1 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,534 MALE NARRATOR: We are often told 2 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:41,248 that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales 3 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:44,918 and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. 4 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:49,131 And yet, on this bright, sunny, Boston afternoon, 5 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:53,260 a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend, 6 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:55,220 proving two things. 7 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:58,474 Happy endings can come true for anyone. 8 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:02,102 And America doesn't give a shit about anything. 9 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,646 Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty, 10 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:08,942 take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband? 11 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,527 I do. 12 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,154 SAM: And do you, Ted, 13 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:15,783 take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 14 00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:17,618 Fuckin' A right, I do! 15 00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:18,786 (GIGGLES) 16 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,705 Then, by the power vested in me, 17 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,666 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 18 00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:25,918 You may kiss the bear. 19 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,255 (ALL CHEERING) 20 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:51,693 WEDDING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds! 21 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:52,903 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 22 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,412 Teddy, this is the best day of my life! 23 00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,414 I just love you so much. 24 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:06,125 I love you, too, baby. 25 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,877 I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight. 26 00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,254 Let's go get shit-faced! 27 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:11,463 Okay! 28 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,842 Thank you. 29 00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:21,390 Hey, congrats, you mofos. 30 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,474 Oh, hey, Guy. 31 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,143 Beautiful ceremony. 32 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,395 Oh. Thank you so much for being a part of it. 33 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,230 Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick. 34 00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:29,439 How you doing? 35 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:30,566 Good, good. 36 00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:34,653 He's a gourmet chef. So he knows how to toss a salad. 37 00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:36,280 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 38 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,577 Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot. 39 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:43,662 Oh, you guys are getting married? 40 00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,664 No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together. 41 00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:47,166 Ha! Fuck you. Fuck you. 42 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,584 Deal. 43 00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:58,260 TED: Hey, buddy. You okay, there? 44 00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,720 You look a little down. 45 00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:02,514 Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party? 46 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,391 Oh! That's nice. 47 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,435 Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it! 48 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,479 (LAUGHS) She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there. 49 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,607 Look at her. She wants it bad! 50 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:12,858 JOHN: Oh, yeah. She wants more 51 00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:15,194 than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh? (MEN LAUGHING) 52 00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,280 TED: That's bigger than the average bear right there, I tell you. 53 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:21,158 JOHN: You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter! 54 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,702 MAN: Oh, shit! Jesus! Come on! 55 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:27,998 I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori. 56 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,751 Oh, Johnny, come on, man. 57 00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,337 It's been six months since you guys got divorced. 58 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,297 I know, I know. It's just that... 59 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,633 Being back in that church again. 60 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,469 I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect. 61 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,221 Yeah. Well, you're not the first guy 62 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,472 to marry the wrong girl. 63 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,350 Hey, hey! Big day, huh, bud? 64 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,479 You guys wanna celebrate with a little something else, hmm? 65 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,898 Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam. Tami-Lynn would kill me 66 00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:54,566 if I did drugs on our wedding day. 67 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,276 Ah, she won't notice. 68 00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,654 I just did a line with a dude in the men's room 69 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,156 and I bet you can't even spot him. 70 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,664 (GLASS BREAKS) 71 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,165 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 72 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:12,042 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) 73 00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:14,920 (SINGING) I'm steppin' out with my honey 74 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:17,172 Can't be bad to feel so good 75 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,633 Never felt quite so sunny 76 00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,593 So I keep on knockin' wood 77 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,012 Yeah, steppin' out with my baby 78 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,431 Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right 79 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,142 Ask me when will the day be 80 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:32,604 The big day may be tonight 81 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,439 TED: This is the best day of my life! 82 00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:36,191 (TEMPO INCREASES) 83 00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:12,806 (MUSIC ENDS) 84 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:27,028 I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there? 85 00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:28,405 I'm curing cancer. 86 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,615 I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing? 87 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:31,908 What do I think you're doing? 88 00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:33,785 I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. 89 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:37,539 Look at this, look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement. 90 00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:39,624 What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars? 91 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,293 I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy? 92 00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:43,879 What do you mean? You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier. 93 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,005 Yeah? So are you! 94 00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:47,841 Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer shit! 95 00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:49,050 Oh, no, no, no, no, no! 96 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,261 You're just buying weed, you're just buying drugs. 97 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:52,345 You should fucking talk! 98 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,515 I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me. 99 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,808 Well, I have to interrupt you or else 100 00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:57,893 I never get to fucking say anything! 101 00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:58,977 Are you gonna let me finish talking? 102 00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:00,061 You're always cutting me off! 103 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,481 Are you gonna let me finish talking? 104 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:03,940 It's important to look good at work. 105 00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,109 I am trying to climb the corporate fence, here! 106 00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,569 Nobody's in there to look at your ass! 107 00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:08,820 You're acting like an asshole! 108 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,489 Oh, what am I acting like, Tami? 109 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:11,990 You're acting like a fucking asshole! 110 00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:13,658 Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like! 111 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:16,578 You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag! 112 00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:18,955 I am the face of the business! Okay? 113 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:20,790 The face of the business? So get the fuck off my case! 114 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,251 Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional! 115 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,670 I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've. 116 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,172 Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole! 117 00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:28,507 He treated me good! 118 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:32,344 And (GASPS) he had a dick! He had an awesome dick! 119 00:08:32,428 --> 00:08:35,597 Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis. 120 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,849 What the fuck did you just call me, fucker? 121 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,309 What did you fucking say? 122 00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:40,685 Jesus! What the fuck? 123 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,771 You wanna call me a whore? 124 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,022 You wanna throw shit? 125 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,315 Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit! 126 00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:46,441 I'll fucking throw shit! (GRUNTS) 127 00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,735 Oh. Wow. There, see! How do you like that? 128 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,195 I'm scared, Teddy! 129 00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,447 I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear! 130 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,907 NEIGHBOR: Shut the fuck up! 131 00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:55,450 Oh, for Christ's sake! 132 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,327 Hey, you shut the fuck up! 133 00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:58,787 Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy? 134 00:08:58,871 --> 00:08:59,996 Yeah, why don't you come up here 135 00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,373 and make me come down there, tough guy? 136 00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,625 I am gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! 137 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,085 Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole? 138 00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:06,962 Get your ass up here and kick my ass! 139 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,296 (SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 140 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,548 Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! 141 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,590 Hey, shut up, lady! 142 00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,634 Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore! 143 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,052 Get the fuck out of here! 144 00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:15,387 People are trying to sleep! 145 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:16,471 God damn it! 146 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,639 Shut the fuck up! 147 00:09:18,432 --> 00:09:20,100 Hey, I'm really sorry! Yeah, me, too. 148 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,518 She's worse than us. 149 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:22,978 Yeah, she's our enemy now. 150 00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:25,313 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 151 00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:30,485 (EXHALES) 152 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,571 Have you guys at least tried marriage therapy? 153 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,990 Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster. 154 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,576 $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing. 155 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,494 $250? Dude, that's ridiculous! 156 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,162 I mean, doesn't your insurance cover that or something? 157 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:44,082 Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet, 158 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,417 but I came back five minutes later, 159 00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,835 she was looking at black cocks. 160 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:48,503 It seems like every time you go online, 161 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,088 you're two clicks away from black cocks. 162 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,381 Look. 163 00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:54,175 See, I'll google "Grand Canyon. " 164 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,886 Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks?" 165 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:58,972 I don't know, man. I got to do something 166 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:00,640 or my marriage is gonna collapse. (SIGHS) 167 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,309 Here you go, guys. 168 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,019 We're gonna be closing in a few, 169 00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:05,645 but I'm going to this after-hours thing 170 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,439 at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join. 171 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,734 Oh, thanks, Allison. But I got an early day tomorrow. 172 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,193 Oh, okay. 173 00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:16,156 Well, if you change your mind, here's the address. 174 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:19,743 I put my cell number on there, too. 175 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,956 Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me? 176 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,082 What? 177 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,334 What do you mean, "What?" After hours? 178 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,252 Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you. 179 00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:31,046 I'm not into it. 180 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:32,964 John, you've been saying that for over a year-and-a-half 181 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,924 about every chick that throws herself at you. 182 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,343 You got to get back in the game, man! 183 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:37,677 No, don't start this shit, all right? 184 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,262 Look, I wasted six years of my life 185 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,764 with the wrong girl and I got burned. 186 00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:42,599 I'm not gonna make that same mistake again. 187 00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,643 Jesus, Johnny, you don't got to marry Allison. 188 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,895 You just got to bang her and maybe pee on her a little. 189 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,188 What? 190 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,316 It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover. 191 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,026 Yeah, I got to take a leak. 192 00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:55,403 (EXHALES) 193 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,072 Sorry, Allison. I tried. 194 00:10:57,239 --> 00:11:00,533 (SIGHS) It's okay. I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute. 195 00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:02,410 Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's 196 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,162 with just a splash of Grey Goose? 197 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,247 Wish I could help you, but we're closing. 198 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,541 Come on, one drink and I promise I won't tell anybody 199 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:11,086 that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex. 200 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,672 JOHN: Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Get off of me! 201 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,590 Sorry, my mistake. 202 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,475 (STRAINING) There we go. Thanks a lot, come again. 203 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,441 Hey. 204 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:34,693 Hello. 205 00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:38,905 I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. 206 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,449 Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix. 207 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,742 That's right. 208 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,955 I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. 209 00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:48,289 Is that correct? 210 00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:52,377 I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix are for kids" in the commercials. 211 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:53,837 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 212 00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:56,423 And is that enforced by law? 213 00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,092 Uh, not to my knowledge, no. 214 00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:03,471 So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble? 215 00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,974 No. No, you... You should be fine. 216 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:09,352 You do understand that I myself am not a child? 217 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,980 Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah. 218 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,151 Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment. 219 00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,653 Uh, yeah, yeah. You'll... You'll be okay. 220 00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:21,656 And, uh, I won't be followed? 221 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:25,201 Uh, no, that's... That's not in our budget here. 222 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,664 Hey. 223 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,542 I won't forget what you've done for me here today. 224 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,502 I would prefer that you do. 225 00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:41,843 Jesus Christ. 226 00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:51,853 (SIGHS) 227 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,272 You two still not talking? 228 00:12:54,356 --> 00:12:55,482 No. 229 00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,692 Honest to God, Joy, I don't know how to fix this. 230 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:58,777 I mean, how the hell do you take 231 00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,528 a broken marriage and make it work again? 232 00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:03,990 Well, I'll tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby. 233 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,158 A baby? 234 00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:07,160 Uh-huh. Look at that. 235 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,787 You see them two white niggas over there? 236 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,830 (INDISTINCT) Yeah. What? 237 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:12,624 Look at them. They're so happy. 238 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,418 Because they got that little baby keeping them together. 239 00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:17,128 If they didn't have that baby, 240 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,297 they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas 241 00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:21,007 waiting for Downtown Abbey to come on. 242 00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:23,802 Why, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase? 243 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:24,969 I'm telling you, Ted, 244 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:28,181 y'all better have a baby or your marriage is over. Trust. 245 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,353 (PRICING GUN CLICKING) 246 00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:40,026 Uh, hey. 247 00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,111 Go away, Teddy. 248 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,364 Tami, listen, I just wanna talk to you. Okay? 249 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:45,990 Will you just listen to me for one second? 250 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,826 Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes? 251 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,912 No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay? I'm sorry. 252 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,831 I was an asshole and I didn't mean it. 253 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,332 You know, whatever, Teddy. 254 00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:57,085 Tami, (SIGHS) listen. I love you. 255 00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,003 Okay? And... And I don't want us 256 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,214 to fight like we've been doing the past few months. 257 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:04,092 I don't know, Teddy. Something's got to change, you know? 258 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:07,720 Because I can't do this no more. It's too much. 259 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,515 I know, I know, I know. And... And that's why... 260 00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:13,768 I wanna have a baby. 261 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,396 You do? 262 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:17,689 Yeah. 263 00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:20,108 A baby? Like really? 264 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,234 Yeah. 265 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:23,570 See, I think, if we got a kid to love, 266 00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,864 it'll teach us how to love each other again. 267 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,949 Oh, my God, Teddy. 268 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:29,993 You better not be messing with me. 269 00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,536 I swear to God, not messing with you. 270 00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,204 I think you'd make an awesome mom. 271 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,789 Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? 272 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,916 I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'! (CHUCKLES) 273 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:38,334 So what do you say? We all good? 274 00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,919 Yes! Oh, I love you! 275 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,129 I love you so much! 276 00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,131 Oh, baby, I love you, too! (SMOOCHES) 277 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,633 Let's make a baby! Let's make a baby! 278 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,302 (EXCLAIMS) (KISSES) 279 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,516 (FLICKING LIGHTER) 280 00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:57,145 Okay, you ready? Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 281 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,771 Here it comes. Okay, okay. I'm ready. 282 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,150 (JOHN HUMMING) TED: (SINGING) Let's all go to court 283 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,905 Let's go make some law now 284 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,990 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 285 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,200 Some law now 286 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:12,327 I say we go to court! 287 00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:13,578 JOHN: Yes, let's go to court! 288 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:15,330 TED: We're a bunch of assholes who take up 289 00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,457 a whole hallway with our conversation. 290 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,085 (SINGING) Hey, you lawyer guys 291 00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:25,173 You don't know me and Johnny are watching you 292 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:27,508 While we're high 293 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,136 That was fucking magic. 294 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,388 That felt smooth. That felt really smooth. Oh! 295 00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:33,681 So in the pocket. 296 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,184 Hey, so, uh, listen, I got, uh... 297 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,936 I got some big news to tell ya. 298 00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:39,354 Oh, yeah? What's that? 299 00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:42,857 Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby! 300 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,527 Holy shit! You? 301 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,196 (CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today. 302 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,906 Dude, that's fucking awesome! Congratulations! 303 00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:50,990 Thank you! 304 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,909 Wait, wait, wait. How... How... How do you guys... 305 00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:56,704 Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We, uh... We got to find a sperm donor. 306 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,874 And, um, I'm wondering, what do you think 307 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,793 Sam Jones would say if I asked him? 308 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,253 You want Flash Gordon to father your child? 309 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,630 Yeah, I mean, do you think... 310 00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:07,382 Would that be weird? Would he be freaked out if I... 311 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,633 No, I think he'd be flattered! 312 00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:11,427 And plus, your baby will be a fucking superhero! 313 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,513 Well, that was the logic I arrived at as well. 314 00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:14,806 Yeah, I say do it! 315 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,557 All right. I'll shoot him an e-mail right now, 316 00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,017 and see if I can stop by tonight. 317 00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,394 You come with me? Sure. 318 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,687 All right, great. 319 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:23,982 Shit. 320 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,985 I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop? 321 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,987 Yeah, go ahead. Okay, thanks. 322 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:34,826 (SHOUTS) What the fuck? 323 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,286 Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter? What happened? 324 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,413 What's going on? 325 00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:40,415 There's so much porn! 326 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,375 Well, what the hell are you doing looking at my private shit? 327 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:45,294 What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! 328 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,171 There are literally thousands of files here! 329 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,048 Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that out. 330 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,300 Jesus Christ. Look at the organization here! 331 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:54,095 Clockwise rim job. Counterclockwise rim job! 332 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,597 Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way! 333 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,600 You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with dicks? 334 00:16:59,893 --> 00:17:03,479 Oh, my God! (SOBS) I have a disease, all right? I need help! 335 00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:06,065 There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits! 336 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,483 Oh, this is such a relief! 337 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,777 I'm so glad I'm finally caught. I wanted to be caught! 338 00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:12,530 Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? 339 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,699 You got to get back out there and meet somebody 340 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,617 because you are spiraling out of control here. 341 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,203 All right, fine, I will. Just stop looking at that shit, please! 342 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,538 Johnny, I mean it. All right? 343 00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:22,498 The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game. 344 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:23,833 Fine, I got it. Done. 345 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,668 All right. Now, let's get rid of this. 346 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,670 What do you mean? We'll just delete the files! 347 00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,338 No, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. 348 00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:31,424 We got to smash your laptop with a hammer. 349 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,057 All right, there, you happy? 350 00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,642 No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. 351 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:42,977 We got to bury it in the harbor. 352 00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:01,454 TED: So, uh, basically that's it. We need a sperm donor. 353 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:02,955 So what do ya say? 354 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,707 You'd really be helping me and Tami out. 355 00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:06,459 No can do, my brother. 356 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,169 Well... Well, why not? 357 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,671 Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s 358 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:14,175 and my sperm count's a little low. 359 00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:15,718 Oh. How low? 360 00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,345 One. 361 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:18,429 One? 362 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:22,350 Yeah, little fella's having his own I Am Legend in my nut sack. 363 00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,018 Oh. Can we have that one? 364 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,605 No! Gonna need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea. 365 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,857 Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here? I got to go. 366 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,319 That Sister, Sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself. 367 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,447 TED: Can't believe it. That son of a bitch! 368 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,824 That was really selfish of him. 369 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,283 I know. And after I watched his 370 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,119 piece-of-shit movie, like, a hundred times. 371 00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:42,745 God damn it! 372 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:43,913 (ALARM BLARING) 373 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:44,997 Ah! Oh, shit! 374 00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:52,880 Johnny, please, just help me do this. Okay? 375 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,549 He's the only guy in the world whose sperm 376 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,883 is even close to Flash Gordon's. 377 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,136 Ted, it's insane. We could get in a lot of trouble. 378 00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,679 But not if nobody finds out. 379 00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:00,805 Look, look, John, John. 380 00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:03,224 We sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep 381 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:04,934 and sneak out with the sperm. It'll be easy! 382 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,186 And think how awesome the baby will be. 383 00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,772 Would be a sweet-ass fucking baby. 384 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,609 All right, I'll help you. But we got to have a game plan. 385 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,910 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 386 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,246 (SIGHING) 387 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,290 (SOFTLY) Just calm down. 388 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,459 Yeah, can I help you? 389 00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:34,672 Hey! Um, are you, uh, Tom Brady? 390 00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:36,090 Yeah. 391 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,341 JOHN: Um, hey. Um... 392 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:38,551 Your neighbors called, 393 00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,136 and your air conditioner's making a loud noise 394 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,846 so I'm supposed to check out the unit. 395 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,347 Uh, okay. Yeah, it's around back. 396 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,808 Okay. Um, I just may need a signature in case 397 00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:47,476 I got to get some parts, for the billing. 398 00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:51,606 You could just, uh, write that to John and Ted. Put number 12. 399 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:55,026 And you're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect. 400 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,944 It's around back. All right. Yeah. 401 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,666 (CRACKLING) 402 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:22,136 Stupid idiot. 403 00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,186 TED: Okay. Go, go, go! 404 00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,579 Take the damn raincoat off. It's making too much noise. 405 00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,831 Piss off! I don't wanna get any jizz on me! 406 00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:05,054 Two League MVPs, four Super Bowl rings, 407 00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:07,890 guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer. 408 00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:10,726 Now let's give him a handjob into this red Solo cup. 409 00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:12,311 (WHISPERS) All right. Go ahead. 410 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,272 Wait, what do you mean, "Go ahead"? You got to do it. 411 00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:17,108 What are you talking about? You're the one who needs the sperm. 412 00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:18,567 Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand. 413 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,444 It's got to be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn't work. 414 00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:21,904 No, it doesn't. It's just friction. 415 00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,781 Look, I've never done this before. Neither have I. 416 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:25,700 You do it to yourself. Yeah, but that's different. 417 00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,411 You're an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room. 418 00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:29,620 You're telling me you don't want this? 419 00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:32,790 Yeah, I want it! You know I want it, but I'm nervous. 420 00:21:32,874 --> 00:21:35,001 What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it? He deserves the best! 421 00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:36,210 Pull yourself together, for God's sakes. 422 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,545 He's gonna love it. Go, go, go! 423 00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:39,880 All right. 424 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,467 (GASPS) 425 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,594 Sweet God and baby Jesus. 426 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:46,679 (BREATHES SHAKILY) 427 00:21:46,763 --> 00:21:48,723 And that's at rest. 428 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:50,725 (SHOUTS) What the hell? 429 00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:52,226 Mr. Brady, we just need a moment of your time. 430 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,728 What are you doing here? Who are you? 431 00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:54,812 Get out of my house! 432 00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,272 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 433 00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:57,815 TED: Oh, God! Ahhh! 434 00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:00,568 (STUTTERS) Wait, Mr. Brady! 435 00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,486 Take your goddamn teddy bear with you! 436 00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:04,155 (TED YELLS) 437 00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:06,490 Holy shit! Perfect spiral! 438 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,034 Come on, let's get out of here! 439 00:22:17,044 --> 00:22:18,085 Shit! 440 00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:19,587 What the hell do we do now? 441 00:22:19,671 --> 00:22:20,921 (PANTING) 442 00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,049 Hey, Ted, let me ask you something. 443 00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:24,425 What's that? 444 00:22:24,926 --> 00:22:26,302 Why didn't you just come to me? 445 00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:28,054 What are you talking about? 446 00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,472 For the sperm. 447 00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:34,560 Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man? You were the first person I wanted to go to. 448 00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,687 But you've just been so bummed out 449 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:37,897 over your divorce lately 450 00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:41,525 that I just... You know, I didn't want to put you in an awkward position. 451 00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:43,194 And plus, after seeing your laptop, 452 00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:44,779 I didn't think you had any left. 453 00:22:45,113 --> 00:22:47,615 Just so you know, I'm totally willing to do it. 454 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,494 Really? You'd... You'd do that for me? 455 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,038 Ted, you're my best friend. I'd do anything for you. 456 00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:58,292 Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off... 457 00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,002 You're ready to be a parent. 458 00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:02,213 God... (CHUCKLES) 459 00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:04,090 I don't know what to say. 460 00:23:04,299 --> 00:23:07,426 Johnny, thank you! Thank you so much! 461 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:10,388 Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember? 462 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:12,598 Thunder buddies for life. 463 00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:15,476 Come on. We got to get out of here before the cops show up. 464 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,605 MALE OFFICER: All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units, please respond. 465 00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,273 What's a 3-17? 466 00:23:21,441 --> 00:23:24,318 Someone's trying to steal Tom Brady's jizz again. 467 00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:27,780 (SIREN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECH) 468 00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:38,999 What is that? What? 469 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:40,668 What are you doing? I'm getting ready, dude. 470 00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:41,752 What do you mean you're getting ready? 471 00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:43,087 What are you doing to your hand? 472 00:23:43,171 --> 00:23:45,756 I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready. I got to go in and perform. 473 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,425 You got your hand on your dick. What are you doing? 474 00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:48,759 I'm trying to get it half hard, 475 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:50,344 so when I get in there I could just bust it out. 476 00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,221 Sitting out here in public, jerking off? 477 00:23:52,305 --> 00:23:54,056 Where do you think you are? Red Lobster? What are you doing? 478 00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,433 What do you think I got to do in there? 479 00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:56,892 Forget it. Now, look, you haven't 480 00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,727 smoked pot for two whole days, right? 481 00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:01,397 Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right? Your baby's gonna be fine. 482 00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:03,357 I'm sorry, I just don't want something 483 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,860 I got to feed with a pitchfork when he's 16. 484 00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:07,361 "John Bennett. " 485 00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:08,446 Hi. 486 00:24:08,530 --> 00:24:11,198 Right this way. I'll show you where to deposit your specimen. 487 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:13,534 Hey, Johnny. Johnny. 488 00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:18,038 (CHUCKLES) 489 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:24,962 I'm John Bennett. 490 00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:27,131 (LAUGHS) I know, I just said your name. 491 00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:29,800 Oh, right, yeah, sorry, I'm just a little nervous. 492 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,011 I've been out of the game for a while. 493 00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:33,262 The game? 494 00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:37,433 I don't talk to pretty girls that often. Pretty women, ladies. 495 00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,185 I see. 496 00:24:40,061 --> 00:24:41,729 Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink? 497 00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:46,400 (STAMMERS) Oh. I don't mean this. I meant, like, a regular drink. 498 00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:48,068 I have a boyfriend. 499 00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:52,323 Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad. You're missing out on a great guy. 500 00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:55,493 Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get 501 00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:57,703 a lube or something? A magazine? 502 00:24:57,954 --> 00:24:59,622 Video? I like Asian teen stuff preferably. 503 00:24:59,706 --> 00:25:00,664 There's lube right there. 504 00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:02,500 All right, yeah, thanks. 505 00:25:07,797 --> 00:25:10,674 Uh, excuse me. Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom? 506 00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:12,134 Down that hallway, to the left. 507 00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:13,636 Okay, thanks. 508 00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:21,519 Oh. No way! (CHUCKLES) 509 00:25:22,729 --> 00:25:26,190 Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys store all the, uh, stuff? 510 00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:30,027 It's the intermediary station before insemination. 511 00:25:30,111 --> 00:25:31,237 Are you submitting? 512 00:25:31,321 --> 00:25:34,532 No. My friend is, uh, yanking out a sample in one of the rooms. 513 00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,408 Oh, well, that's a good friend. Yeah. 514 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,535 I'm Dr. Danzer. 515 00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:38,702 Oh, cool. (CHUCKLES) 516 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:42,498 (SINGING) Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer 517 00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:43,666 Yeah, whatever, I don't know. 518 00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:47,545 Now, wait. You look familiar. Are you that teddy bear who came alive? 519 00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:49,046 I am. That's me, yeah. 520 00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:50,172 See, I was trying to figure out 521 00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:51,549 where I'd seen you before and that's it. 522 00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:52,716 Good eye, good eye. 523 00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:56,220 So, how did you get into this line of work? Do you just love cum? 524 00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:57,721 Uh, uh... 525 00:25:57,806 --> 00:25:59,932 Not especially, but I love helping good people 526 00:26:00,016 --> 00:26:01,809 fulfill their dreams of having children. 527 00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,019 It's amazing what we can do here. 528 00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:06,146 You want to have a look? 529 00:26:06,314 --> 00:26:07,773 Yeah, sure. 530 00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:13,320 This is where we perform our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. 531 00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:15,364 We can eliminate hereditary diseases, 532 00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:18,617 such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia. 533 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:20,411 The list goes on and on, really. 534 00:26:20,495 --> 00:26:21,537 Wow. 535 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,747 Hey, Johnny! You did it! 536 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:24,832 Right here, buddy. 537 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,667 Ew. I mean, awesome! (CHUCKLES) 538 00:26:27,210 --> 00:26:29,044 Excuse me, Doctor, your wife's on the phone. 539 00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:30,421 She said it's an emergency. 540 00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:32,548 Excuse me, I'll be right back. 541 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:36,510 You wanna see it? Huh? You wanna see your kid? 542 00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:37,970 I can see it from here, thanks, yeah. 543 00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:39,430 Dude, take a closer look. It's your kid. 544 00:26:39,514 --> 00:26:40,514 No, no, no! Come on! 545 00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:42,433 You got to take a closer look. That's close enough, Johnny! 546 00:26:42,517 --> 00:26:44,351 He's beautiful. Come on! I'll trade you. Catch. 547 00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,145 Oh, shit! Oh, God! 548 00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:47,980 Fuck! Dude, that's somebody's kid! 549 00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:50,441 Well, it's not my fault, A - Rod! You were supposed to catch it! 550 00:26:50,525 --> 00:26:51,567 We got to find something to scoop it up. 551 00:26:51,651 --> 00:26:53,235 There's containers over there. Scoop it up with that. 552 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,653 Shit. All right. 553 00:26:55,071 --> 00:26:56,113 TED: No, no, that's not gonna work. 554 00:26:56,197 --> 00:26:57,865 You need two of them. You got to scoop one into the other. 555 00:26:58,366 --> 00:26:59,950 Oh, shit! Fuck! 556 00:27:01,202 --> 00:27:02,494 TED: Oh! Oh, fuck! 557 00:27:02,579 --> 00:27:03,579 Oh, my God! 558 00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:04,663 Fuck! Fuck! 559 00:27:04,831 --> 00:27:06,915 Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! 560 00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:08,042 I'm blinking it in! 561 00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:09,376 (GAGGING) You got to fucking help me! 562 00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:11,086 Oh, my God! It's in my fucking mouth! 563 00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:12,838 Hang on. I got to post this on Facebook. 564 00:27:12,922 --> 00:27:14,089 No! (CAMERA CLICKS) 565 00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:16,884 Hashtag "Grr, Mondays. " 566 00:27:17,052 --> 00:27:18,927 (GASPS) Oh, my God! 567 00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:20,971 Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God, it was an accident. 568 00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:22,181 We're so sorry. 569 00:27:22,515 --> 00:27:26,018 Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples. 570 00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:27,561 Ah, you hear that, Johnny? 571 00:27:27,687 --> 00:27:29,605 You're covered in rejected black-guy sperm. 572 00:27:29,689 --> 00:27:30,981 You look like a Kardashian. 573 00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:32,399 Fuck! 574 00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,872 No, make sure you have all the updated 575 00:27:46,956 --> 00:27:48,624 information on our Comic Con placement. 576 00:27:48,708 --> 00:27:52,002 This has to be the biggest, most impressive rollout at the convention. 577 00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:53,212 Morning, Mr. Jessup. 578 00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,422 Good morning. Now... 579 00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,007 My name's Donny. 580 00:27:57,133 --> 00:27:59,385 (SIGHS) Hi, Donny. Hi. 581 00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:01,178 Now this is a multi-platform release, 582 00:28:01,262 --> 00:28:02,471 so I want a full report on all... 583 00:28:02,555 --> 00:28:03,764 Fresh cakes. 584 00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:06,850 What? 585 00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:08,352 In the urinals, sir. 586 00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:10,938 I noticed you always use urinal four, 587 00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:12,773 so I put fresh cakes in there for you. 588 00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:15,901 You're an important man. You should never have to smell pee. 589 00:28:16,611 --> 00:28:19,446 See, most people flip the cakes. 590 00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:21,699 I replace the cakes. 591 00:28:22,617 --> 00:28:24,743 That's the Donny difference. 592 00:28:26,913 --> 00:28:29,748 I need a full report on all the placement of our merchandise. 593 00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:32,042 Contact Bob Jennings at Javits... 594 00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:35,629 I'm afraid I have bad news. 595 00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:38,757 I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure. 596 00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:40,634 Wait, what? Why not? 597 00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:44,805 Tami-Lynn, according to your test results, you're no longer fertile. 598 00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:45,973 What? 599 00:28:46,057 --> 00:28:47,975 Wait, Doc, are you sure about that? 600 00:28:48,143 --> 00:28:50,227 I mean, maybe you should check again or something, you know? 601 00:28:50,437 --> 00:28:51,645 I'm quite sure. 602 00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:54,857 Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use 603 00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,902 your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised. 604 00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,946 What are you talking about? It looks fine. Yeah. 605 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:04,283 Forgive me, that's a normal ovary. 606 00:29:04,367 --> 00:29:05,909 This is Tami-Lynn's. 607 00:29:06,077 --> 00:29:07,244 TED: Jesus! 608 00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:09,621 Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot. 609 00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:11,832 You probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right? 610 00:29:12,125 --> 00:29:14,376 No, not once, not ever. 611 00:29:14,544 --> 00:29:17,755 When I saw this, I threw up. Almost quit medicine. 612 00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:20,758 Bottom line is, insemination is not possible. 613 00:29:21,301 --> 00:29:24,428 (SOBS) I don't understand, okay? None of this makes any sense. 614 00:29:24,512 --> 00:29:26,472 It's okay. It's okay, honey. Come on, let's just go. 615 00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:27,973 No, what does this mean, Teddy? 616 00:29:28,057 --> 00:29:29,266 Does it mean we can't have a baby? 617 00:29:29,350 --> 00:29:30,851 I don't know. But it's gonna be okay. 618 00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,436 Everything's gonna be okay. 619 00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:33,854 It really isn't. 620 00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,577 Well, I have gone through your application 621 00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:50,871 and vetted your personal histories, 622 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:53,957 and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out. 623 00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,126 What? 624 00:29:56,294 --> 00:29:57,377 Why not? 625 00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,004 Well, first of all, there's the question 626 00:29:59,088 --> 00:30:00,756 of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction. 627 00:30:00,924 --> 00:30:02,674 Hey, I did my community service. 628 00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:05,385 Yeah, besides, that was five years ago. She's clean. 629 00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:07,429 There's another issue, 630 00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:10,557 and, honestly, it's the more serious one. 631 00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,893 I was reluctant to bring it up because 632 00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:15,687 it's a little awkward. 633 00:30:16,481 --> 00:30:20,526 Ted, in the eyes of the state, you are not a person. 634 00:30:21,736 --> 00:30:23,320 Wait, what? 635 00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,615 The state official I spoke to said 636 00:30:26,699 --> 00:30:29,827 that technically, you are classified as property. 637 00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:34,414 I'm not a person? 638 00:30:34,833 --> 00:30:37,668 Not according to the government. I'm sorry. 639 00:30:37,752 --> 00:30:39,461 But that is so fucked up! 640 00:30:40,213 --> 00:30:41,505 "Property"? 641 00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:43,590 You know what, Teddy? Let's get out of here. 642 00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:44,842 Come on. 643 00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:46,093 (SIGHS) 644 00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:47,594 Look. 645 00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:49,555 You seem like good people. 646 00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:50,973 Be careful. 647 00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:53,141 What do you mean, "Be careful"? 648 00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:55,185 The state official I spoke to 649 00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:58,897 made it sound like your status had gone under the radar for some time. 650 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,109 Your adoption request may have raised some red flags. 651 00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:05,445 If they choose to investigate the issue, 652 00:31:05,613 --> 00:31:08,156 it may leave you quite vulnerable. 653 00:31:21,296 --> 00:31:23,755 Hey. I just got off work and heard your message. 654 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,465 Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that? 655 00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,259 Yeah, it's unbelievable. "Property. " 656 00:31:27,468 --> 00:31:29,052 They said I'm property. 657 00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:31,221 What does that even mean? Like, you're a thing? 658 00:31:31,306 --> 00:31:33,140 What, like garbage or a piece of shit? 659 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,060 I mean, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah. 660 00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:38,353 What the hell do they know? 661 00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:39,479 It's just a word. 662 00:31:39,564 --> 00:31:41,940 They can't change your whole life just by calling you property! 663 00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,943 Bullshit! You better ask my ancestors. 664 00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:47,487 One minute, you in Africa, washing your clothes 665 00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,489 in the river, titties out. You good. 666 00:31:49,657 --> 00:31:51,366 Then all of a sudden, you somewhere 667 00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,368 across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson. 668 00:31:53,494 --> 00:31:55,829 Wow! You make history come alive. 669 00:31:56,039 --> 00:31:57,915 Why the hell is this just coming up now? 670 00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:00,167 I mean, I've never voted. 671 00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:02,920 I don't have a driver's license, I don't pay taxes. 672 00:32:03,004 --> 00:32:05,047 I mean, hell, this is the first job I ever had. 673 00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:09,009 Ted, can I see you for a moment? 674 00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:11,678 I'm sorry, 675 00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:13,305 but I'm gonna have to let you go. 676 00:32:13,514 --> 00:32:17,184 What? Why? I've been busting my ass at this job for three years! 677 00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:19,686 I just got a call from the Labor Department. 678 00:32:20,688 --> 00:32:22,648 I can't legally keep you on as an employee 679 00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:24,942 because I've been informed that you're technically... 680 00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:28,236 Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ! 681 00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:32,574 I'm sorry. But as of today, you're fired. 682 00:32:33,451 --> 00:32:34,826 (SIGHS) 683 00:32:35,995 --> 00:32:38,038 "Dear Ted, your Chase bank account 684 00:32:38,122 --> 00:32:40,248 "has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship. " 685 00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:43,210 "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked. " 686 00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:46,213 "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member. " 687 00:32:46,422 --> 00:32:47,714 Fuck, that's a big one. 688 00:32:47,882 --> 00:32:49,841 This poor baby bootie. 689 00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:54,388 It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here. 690 00:32:54,555 --> 00:32:57,808 I don't understand. We would have made such great parents. 691 00:32:57,892 --> 00:32:58,892 (INHALES) 692 00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:00,185 Oh, my God. 693 00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:01,979 Oh, my God, Teddy! 694 00:33:02,063 --> 00:33:03,021 (STUTTERS) What? What's wrong? 695 00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:04,398 Look at this. 696 00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:05,774 (SOBBING) "Dear Ted, 697 00:33:06,067 --> 00:33:08,735 "the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you 698 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:11,863 "that due to an oversight regarding your legal status 699 00:33:12,407 --> 00:33:16,952 "your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state 700 00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:19,955 "and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled. " 701 00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:22,124 Teddy, can they do this to us? 702 00:33:22,208 --> 00:33:23,250 Let me see that. 703 00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:28,755 This is a nightmare. 704 00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:33,260 You fucking believe that? 705 00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,429 No. This is insane. 706 00:33:35,596 --> 00:33:37,389 I mean, Tami's the woman I love. 707 00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,725 You know, I never would even have tried to adopt a dog 708 00:33:39,809 --> 00:33:42,019 if I had known it was gonna cause me this kind of shit storm. 709 00:33:42,103 --> 00:33:43,854 This whole thing is complete bullshit. 710 00:33:43,980 --> 00:33:45,981 I mean, if you ask me, we got to fight it. 711 00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:48,483 What do you mean? I mean, we get a lawyer. 712 00:33:49,068 --> 00:33:50,360 Oh, my God. Can we do that? 713 00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:51,820 Hell yeah! You know what we do? 714 00:33:51,904 --> 00:33:53,113 We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue 715 00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:54,781 the fucking government for your civil rights! 716 00:33:54,907 --> 00:33:56,742 Johnny, that's a great idea! 717 00:33:56,909 --> 00:33:59,036 Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers 718 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,538 who gets shot in the head, then turns all retarded and nice and goes, 719 00:34:01,622 --> 00:34:02,706 "What we're doing is wrong. " 720 00:34:02,790 --> 00:34:04,916 Yes. You know what, we get out there and we stick it to them good. 721 00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:07,044 We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to. 722 00:34:07,128 --> 00:34:08,170 Yeah. 723 00:34:08,254 --> 00:34:10,797 But we don't know any lawyers. All our friends make sandwiches. 724 00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:13,300 Oh, we just google "Boston lawyers. " Ah. 725 00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,928 Jesus. Look at that black cock. 726 00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:38,158 Uh... 727 00:34:38,701 --> 00:34:41,787 This is a very complicated case you have here. 728 00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:46,416 Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles. 729 00:34:46,709 --> 00:34:48,710 Well, everybody says you're the best in town. 730 00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:52,506 Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. 731 00:34:52,673 --> 00:34:54,674 What is your financial situation? 732 00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:57,928 Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the railroads. 733 00:34:58,012 --> 00:35:00,430 Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad. 734 00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:03,642 We're working on Short Line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens. 735 00:35:03,726 --> 00:35:05,227 And I own four houses on Baltic Ave. 736 00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:07,312 I was thinking about just tearing them down and building a hotel. 737 00:35:07,396 --> 00:35:10,107 I won second prize in a beauty contest. That's $50 right there. 738 00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:12,109 Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff? 739 00:35:12,401 --> 00:35:13,777 Tell you what, I'm gonna go drive around the block, 740 00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:15,237 and I'll be back with $200. 741 00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:17,364 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 742 00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:19,616 My niece recently passed her bar exam 743 00:35:19,700 --> 00:35:22,828 and I've hired her on as a junior associate here at the firm. 744 00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:25,288 I could assign her to your case, pro bono. 745 00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,207 And then you would get a hungry, young attorney 746 00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:30,544 and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return. 747 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,087 So what do you say to that? 748 00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:34,381 Yeah, sure, sounds great. 749 00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:37,175 Um, are those hard candies, like, just to take? 750 00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:39,970 Uh, those aren't supposed to be out. 751 00:35:50,731 --> 00:35:51,731 Hello? 752 00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:53,984 (BANGING) Oh! Fuck! 753 00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:55,735 Hi. 754 00:35:55,820 --> 00:35:56,820 You okay? 755 00:35:56,904 --> 00:35:58,488 Yeah! I'm fine. 756 00:35:58,573 --> 00:35:59,823 You must be Ted. 757 00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:01,825 Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted, 758 00:36:01,909 --> 00:36:03,326 this is my buddy, John. Hi. 759 00:36:03,411 --> 00:36:06,913 Um, my uncle says that you guys are my first clients. 760 00:36:07,248 --> 00:36:10,208 Uh, it's been discussed, 761 00:36:10,710 --> 00:36:12,377 but do you mind if I ask how old you are? 762 00:36:12,545 --> 00:36:14,045 I'm 26. 763 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:15,255 Ah. 764 00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:16,965 What, is there a problem? 765 00:36:17,049 --> 00:36:19,009 Well, you know, I just don't want my lawyer singing 766 00:36:19,093 --> 00:36:20,844 Frozen songs during the opening arguments. 767 00:36:20,928 --> 00:36:22,679 It's just this is a really important case. 768 00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:25,140 Ted has already lost his job, his marriage has been annulled. 769 00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:27,475 I know. My uncle gave me all the details. 770 00:36:27,643 --> 00:36:29,769 Right. You see, the thing is, we don't want to take any chances 771 00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:31,813 because the stakes are so significant. 772 00:36:31,939 --> 00:36:33,106 We can't just rush into anything. 773 00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:34,608 We got to make sure we're making the right decision. 774 00:36:34,692 --> 00:36:36,026 TED: We really appreciate your time, 775 00:36:36,110 --> 00:36:37,319 but I think what we're probably gonna do is 776 00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:38,945 just take a seat and get to work. 777 00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:40,030 Trust you completely. 778 00:36:40,114 --> 00:36:41,489 Yeah, we really feel like you got a lot to offer. 779 00:36:43,910 --> 00:36:44,910 Sorry. 780 00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:46,119 You don't mind the pot, do you? 781 00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:47,329 I get migraines. 782 00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:48,872 Oh, absolutely, me, too. That's fine. 783 00:36:48,956 --> 00:36:51,583 I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes. 784 00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:53,501 Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson. 785 00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:55,170 Ted. How are ya? 786 00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:57,047 Good to meet you. John. Nice to meet you. 787 00:36:57,131 --> 00:36:58,673 Wait, wait, wait. What's your middle name? 788 00:36:59,258 --> 00:37:00,258 Leslie. 789 00:37:00,509 --> 00:37:03,553 Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson! (LAUGHS) 790 00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:05,513 That's fucking great! Just like Sam L. Jackson! 791 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,681 Who is that? 792 00:37:06,807 --> 00:37:09,809 You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy. 793 00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:11,978 (INHALING) 794 00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:14,105 That weed is really good. 795 00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,565 It reminds me of the strain I smoked 796 00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:17,234 last summer called "Here Comes Autism. " 797 00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:19,903 Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called 798 00:37:19,987 --> 00:37:21,613 "How Long Has That Van Been There?" 799 00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:25,200 No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home. " 800 00:37:25,326 --> 00:37:27,452 You know, I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high. 801 00:37:27,536 --> 00:37:28,912 I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting 802 00:37:28,996 --> 00:37:30,455 the War on Drugs and all that shit? 803 00:37:30,706 --> 00:37:32,666 Please, the War on Drugs is a joke. 804 00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:34,084 It's just a way for the government 805 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:35,585 to inflate law enforcement budgets 806 00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:38,296 and lock up minorities for no good legal reason. 807 00:37:38,381 --> 00:37:40,966 And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority. 808 00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:42,717 Yeah. No shit. 809 00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:45,011 They've denied you the same rights s everybody else 810 00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,388 just because you're different, 811 00:37:46,472 --> 00:37:49,099 and I say that's a violation of the Constitution. 812 00:37:49,558 --> 00:37:51,685 So what do you say? Can you get me my life back? 813 00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:53,103 (BUBBLING) 814 00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:56,815 I'm gonna try. 815 00:37:57,149 --> 00:37:58,608 JOHN: Hey, guys? 816 00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,777 (BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm having some trouble over here. 817 00:38:01,070 --> 00:38:02,070 What's the matter? 818 00:38:03,489 --> 00:38:04,906 Can you help me get home? 819 00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:07,951 (SOBBING) I'm having a really hard time here, guys. 820 00:38:08,035 --> 00:38:09,661 TED: Johnny, it's okay, buddy. It's okay. 821 00:38:09,745 --> 00:38:10,912 You're doing fine. You're doing great. 822 00:38:10,997 --> 00:38:11,955 No, I'm scared. All right. 823 00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:13,915 I know. Come on, it's okay, though. 824 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,542 You just have to hang onto the wall. 825 00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:16,876 (HORN HONKS) (SCREAMS) 826 00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:18,378 Don't let the goose get me! 827 00:38:18,879 --> 00:38:20,213 How far away does he live? 828 00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:21,881 Uh, about a mile-and-a-half. 829 00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:23,133 Fuck, okay. 830 00:38:23,217 --> 00:38:26,094 Hey, it's okay. One foot in front of the other. 831 00:38:26,345 --> 00:38:28,221 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 832 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,107 All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson 833 00:38:39,191 --> 00:38:40,984 and Brown v. the Board of Education. 834 00:38:41,068 --> 00:38:45,405 I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason. 835 00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:48,783 I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail 836 00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:52,120 and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing. 837 00:39:13,684 --> 00:39:15,518 Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready? 838 00:39:15,603 --> 00:39:16,686 Yep, bring it on. 839 00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:18,396 You're on the stand, the DA says, 840 00:39:18,481 --> 00:39:20,648 "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?" 841 00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:21,858 Objection! Sustained! 842 00:39:21,942 --> 00:39:22,942 No, the witness can't object. 843 00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:24,027 Overruled! Sidebar? 844 00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:25,070 Guilty! Speculation! 845 00:39:25,154 --> 00:39:26,654 Hearsay! Briefcase! Bailiff! Disregard! 846 00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:28,239 In my chambers! Stop beavering the witness! 847 00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:29,657 I rest. We could totally be lawyers. 848 00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:30,742 Bang. 849 00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:01,606 (INAUDIBLE) 850 00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:58,455 Oh, my God! I'm gonna fall off the building. 851 00:41:04,044 --> 00:41:06,212 Your name is Toby! 852 00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:08,214 You're going to learn to say your name. 853 00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:09,924 Let me hear you say it. 854 00:41:10,759 --> 00:41:12,051 What's your name? 855 00:41:13,345 --> 00:41:15,889 (BREATHING SHAKILY) Kunta. Kunta Kinte. 856 00:41:16,348 --> 00:41:19,559 That's just like me. That's exactly what I'm going through. 857 00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:21,060 Well, it's a little different. 858 00:41:21,395 --> 00:41:25,106 You know, Ted, if you legally become a person, you're gonna need a last name. 859 00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:28,568 Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, okay, I got one. 860 00:41:28,736 --> 00:41:29,736 Okay, what is it? 861 00:41:30,070 --> 00:41:31,571 Clubber Lang. 862 00:41:31,906 --> 00:41:33,323 Who is Clubber Lang? 863 00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:34,532 Who's Clubber Lang? 864 00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,618 Mr. T's character in Rocky lll. Hello? 865 00:41:37,077 --> 00:41:38,661 Is that the boxing movies? 866 00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:39,871 (SHOUTS) The boxing... 867 00:41:39,955 --> 00:41:41,664 You've never seen Rocky? She's not serious. 868 00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:42,874 You've never seen Rocky? 869 00:41:42,958 --> 00:41:43,958 You know... 870 00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:46,294 (IMITATING ROCKY SOUNDTRACK) 871 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:48,922 You know, Rocky! 872 00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:50,673 I'm not gonna remember a movie I've never seen 873 00:41:50,758 --> 00:41:52,467 just because you're singing a song I don't know. 874 00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:55,136 You don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. 875 00:41:55,221 --> 00:41:57,013 You are literally pop culture illiterate. 876 00:41:57,097 --> 00:41:58,515 I have a college degree. 877 00:41:58,599 --> 00:42:01,017 My pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray. 878 00:42:01,101 --> 00:42:02,185 Ever heard of any of them? 879 00:42:02,269 --> 00:42:04,729 No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass! 880 00:42:04,813 --> 00:42:06,773 Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated. 881 00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:11,277 Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby? 882 00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:12,904 Judy Blume? Hitler? 883 00:42:12,988 --> 00:42:14,197 F. Scott Fitzgerald. 884 00:42:14,281 --> 00:42:15,323 Who's that? 885 00:42:15,616 --> 00:42:16,616 The author. 886 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,201 Why are you saying, "Fuck him"? 887 00:42:18,285 --> 00:42:19,244 What? 888 00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:20,703 You just said "Eff Scott Fitzgerald. " 889 00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:22,497 What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you? Yeah. 890 00:42:22,581 --> 00:42:24,290 No, that's his first name. 891 00:42:24,583 --> 00:42:26,251 His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"? 892 00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:27,460 What? No. 893 00:42:27,586 --> 00:42:28,878 Well, then, what's the "F" stand for? 894 00:42:28,963 --> 00:42:29,963 Francis. 895 00:42:30,089 --> 00:42:31,589 No. It's got to be "Fuck. " It must be "Fuck. " 896 00:42:31,674 --> 00:42:33,007 It's got to be "Fuck. " It has to be "Fuck. " 897 00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:34,259 Why the hell would it be "Fuck"? 898 00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,010 Well, because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it? 899 00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:37,470 Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck. " 900 00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:39,389 Come on, read between the lines, Sam. It's "Fuck. " 901 00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:41,641 (LAUGHS) That's completely insane. You guys are idiots. 902 00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:44,811 Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it. 903 00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:50,483 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 904 00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:51,609 Yes! 905 00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:54,487 Sir? 906 00:42:54,822 --> 00:42:57,699 Um, one of the janitors would like to see you. 907 00:42:58,158 --> 00:42:59,158 I'm busy. 908 00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:01,286 Fresh cakes! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 909 00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,162 What is it, Danny? 910 00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:04,581 Uh, Donny, sir. 911 00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:08,084 Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy with the Comic Con presentation... 912 00:43:08,168 --> 00:43:10,545 I'm told that you have an open-door policy here at Hasbro 913 00:43:10,629 --> 00:43:13,172 for new toy ideas from any and all employees? 914 00:43:14,174 --> 00:43:15,967 Yeah, I suppose that's true. 915 00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:18,511 All right, come in. 916 00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:20,138 Okay. 917 00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:22,849 Thank you. Thank you. I love your dress. 918 00:43:28,981 --> 00:43:30,189 Mr. Jessup, 919 00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:32,817 I can make this company a billion dollars. 920 00:43:33,193 --> 00:43:34,360 I'm listening. 921 00:43:35,487 --> 00:43:36,529 Thirty years ago, 922 00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:38,990 a little boy named John Bennett made a wish 923 00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:41,326 that his teddy bear would come to life. 924 00:43:41,493 --> 00:43:43,745 Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears... 925 00:43:43,829 --> 00:43:45,538 Yes, I'm aware of the story. 926 00:43:47,374 --> 00:43:49,083 Have you seen this? 927 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:51,252 (SIGHS) 928 00:43:54,256 --> 00:43:55,340 So what? 929 00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:58,593 Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights. 930 00:43:58,761 --> 00:44:01,638 If he loses, the state will officially declare him 931 00:44:01,722 --> 00:44:04,349 a non-entity with no rights under the law. 932 00:44:04,892 --> 00:44:07,018 That means he becomes property. 933 00:44:07,478 --> 00:44:08,645 Mr. Jessup, 934 00:44:09,688 --> 00:44:13,900 we could take him back, with only a trivial degree of legal consequence 935 00:44:13,984 --> 00:44:15,526 if we were even caught. 936 00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:17,320 And why would we do this? 937 00:44:17,404 --> 00:44:22,408 Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick, 938 00:44:22,576 --> 00:44:26,704 we could manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world. 939 00:44:26,830 --> 00:44:29,415 Hasbro would double its profits overnight. 940 00:44:30,501 --> 00:44:31,542 Go on. 941 00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:34,420 We just have to make sure Ted loses the case. 942 00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:37,674 You use every back channel, every bribe, 943 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:39,050 you call in every favor 944 00:44:39,134 --> 00:44:43,429 and you get the best lawyer in the world on the defense. 945 00:44:43,931 --> 00:44:46,974 When Ted's rights are officially null, 946 00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:49,894 we grab him. 947 00:44:51,313 --> 00:44:54,399 No one's going to kick up a legal fuss over property. 948 00:44:55,109 --> 00:44:58,319 You're a hell of a lot smarter than your urinal cakes, Danny. 949 00:44:58,779 --> 00:44:59,946 Really? 950 00:45:00,114 --> 00:45:02,448 Now, what exactly do you want from this? 951 00:45:03,158 --> 00:45:05,910 Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested in money. 952 00:45:08,330 --> 00:45:10,665 I just want a Ted for my very own. 953 00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:14,961 All right. I think I can handle the defense. 954 00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:17,547 But let's make one thing clear. 955 00:45:17,631 --> 00:45:19,298 We never had this conversation. 956 00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:22,969 Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him. 957 00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:24,887 Do you understand? 958 00:45:24,972 --> 00:45:26,305 (WHISPERS) Yes, I do. 959 00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:28,224 (EXHALES) 960 00:45:29,852 --> 00:45:31,853 I need Shep Wild. 961 00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:37,275 SAMANTHA: That was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn. 962 00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:39,235 I've never had Pringles on my steak before. 963 00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:40,486 Oh, it's my pleasure. 964 00:45:40,571 --> 00:45:43,948 It's the least I can do with all you're doing for us. Really. 965 00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:46,284 Oh, I haven't done anything yet. 966 00:45:46,368 --> 00:45:48,077 Well, you know, we wanted to take you out to dinner, 967 00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:52,165 but, uh, (SIGHS) all we got is Tami's income these days since nobody will hire me. 968 00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:53,708 Things are getting really tight, huh? 969 00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:56,210 Yeah, I've had to do some things I'm not proud of. 970 00:45:56,503 --> 00:45:59,881 BJs here! Get your BJs! Get your red-hot BJs! 971 00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:02,759 Toothless and ready to go. Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar! 972 00:46:02,843 --> 00:46:04,177 Get your BJs here. 973 00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:05,720 Wow. 974 00:46:05,804 --> 00:46:07,054 Hey, listen, I got an idea. 975 00:46:07,139 --> 00:46:09,682 Uh, Tami, what do you say you and me go do the dishes 976 00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:12,310 and give Sam and Diane here some alone time, eh? 977 00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:14,854 (LAUGHS) All right, all right. 978 00:46:15,147 --> 00:46:17,565 Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch! 979 00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:20,610 What do you think that was about? 980 00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:22,945 Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying I should ask you out. 981 00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:24,071 Ah. 982 00:46:24,156 --> 00:46:25,239 Uh, yeah, look... 983 00:46:25,324 --> 00:46:27,950 We should probably focus our attention on the case for now. 984 00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:29,660 I completely agree. 985 00:46:30,704 --> 00:46:34,791 You know, I am a little bit curious. How is it that a guy like you is unattached? 986 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:40,379 Well, I was married at one point, but it just didn't work out. 987 00:46:40,547 --> 00:46:42,715 Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks. 988 00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:46,344 No. I mean, we'd make it work day to day, 989 00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,429 but she was always just trying to change me 990 00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:49,722 into someone I'm not. 991 00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,599 And I tried, you know? 992 00:46:52,434 --> 00:46:55,895 I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted. 993 00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:59,982 One day I woke up and I just realized I wasn't myself anymore. 994 00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:04,904 You know, as much as I love this person, we're completely wrong for each other. 995 00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:07,824 At least you figured it out early. 996 00:47:08,116 --> 00:47:09,659 Some people go through their whole lives 997 00:47:09,743 --> 00:47:11,577 trying to make it work with the wrong person. 998 00:47:12,162 --> 00:47:13,412 Yeah. 999 00:47:14,706 --> 00:47:16,123 So, we're gonna win this thing? 1000 00:47:16,583 --> 00:47:18,459 Honestly, I don't know. 1001 00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:20,336 Oh, we're betting on you. 1002 00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:23,548 Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00. We got to get up there. 1003 00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:24,924 Hey, Sam, you want in on this? 1004 00:47:25,008 --> 00:47:26,050 What is it? 1005 00:47:26,134 --> 00:47:29,136 On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up and throw apples at joggers. 1006 00:47:33,308 --> 00:47:34,350 Oh, there's one! 1007 00:47:34,434 --> 00:47:35,935 (ALL LAUGH) 1008 00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:37,395 TED: How's your workout? JOGGER: Fuck you! 1009 00:47:37,479 --> 00:47:39,355 Eat my pussy! Have some apples! 1010 00:47:39,439 --> 00:47:40,940 Jesus, what the hell is your problem? 1011 00:47:41,441 --> 00:47:43,651 It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker! 1012 00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:45,152 Bam! 1013 00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:47,405 You sons of bitches! What the fuck is your... (GRUNTS) 1014 00:47:47,948 --> 00:47:49,198 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 1015 00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:52,785 That's the lottery! That's the lottery! 1016 00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:55,496 That's what you get for fucking exercising! 1017 00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,707 That is unbelievable! 1018 00:48:32,159 --> 00:48:33,242 Teddy. 1019 00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:35,745 Teddy, I'm scared. 1020 00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:37,079 Baby, we're gonna be fine. 1021 00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:40,374 I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says. You're my wife. 1022 00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,501 I love you so much. 1023 00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:43,836 And I swear to God, if we lose, 1024 00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:45,504 I'm gonna fucking cut that judge. 1025 00:48:45,672 --> 00:48:47,214 Wait a minute. You brought your switchblade? 1026 00:48:47,299 --> 00:48:48,299 Yeah. 1027 00:48:48,383 --> 00:48:50,760 But they patted us down on the way in here. Where'd you even hide it? 1028 00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:52,261 Oh! 1029 00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:54,555 Hey, Sam. 1030 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:56,933 Who's that buttnut over there? 1031 00:48:59,394 --> 00:49:02,521 That is why we've been working so hard. That's Shep Wild. 1032 00:49:02,606 --> 00:49:04,357 It's our bad luck they put him on the trial. 1033 00:49:05,025 --> 00:49:06,817 He's never lost a case in his life. 1034 00:49:07,444 --> 00:49:11,155 Mr. Wild, your opening statement, if you please. 1035 00:49:11,448 --> 00:49:12,823 Thank you, Your Honor. 1036 00:49:13,742 --> 00:49:16,535 I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury 1037 00:49:16,912 --> 00:49:19,705 for taking time out of their busy schedules 1038 00:49:20,123 --> 00:49:21,958 to be a part of these proceedings. 1039 00:49:22,417 --> 00:49:27,630 Now, the case we'll be examining today is really quite a simple one. 1040 00:49:28,006 --> 00:49:30,257 Is Ted a human being? 1041 00:49:30,717 --> 00:49:32,301 Or a piece of property? 1042 00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:38,933 You know, it really is a very special, very unique thing to be human. 1043 00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:43,521 It's a gift from God bestowed upon only one species. 1044 00:49:43,981 --> 00:49:45,022 Us. 1045 00:49:45,649 --> 00:49:48,442 But if we suddenly decide to share that gift, 1046 00:49:49,444 --> 00:49:50,903 where does that lead us? 1047 00:49:51,571 --> 00:49:53,572 Does your dog deserve human rights? 1048 00:49:54,074 --> 00:49:55,366 Your cat? 1049 00:49:55,450 --> 00:49:56,867 Your toaster? 1050 00:49:56,952 --> 00:49:57,994 (SOFT CHUCKLE) 1051 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,290 Suddenly, being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it? 1052 00:50:04,459 --> 00:50:07,169 I'm confident you'll make the right decision. 1053 00:50:08,213 --> 00:50:10,965 JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Wild, for your opening statement. 1054 00:50:11,341 --> 00:50:12,550 Ms. Jackson? 1055 00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:19,682 Hi. 1056 00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:22,476 I am Samantha Jackson. 1057 00:50:22,936 --> 00:50:25,146 I got to be honest with you. I'm... 1058 00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:27,857 I'm a little nervous. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 1059 00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:29,984 Why am I nervous? Um... 1060 00:50:31,069 --> 00:50:34,613 Well, not because I'm a junior attorney arguing her first case. 1061 00:50:35,282 --> 00:50:36,866 And not because some of you might laugh 1062 00:50:36,950 --> 00:50:39,660 at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear. 1063 00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:41,120 (SOFT LAUGHTER) 1064 00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:46,751 No, I'm... I'm nervous because of one simple word. 1065 00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:50,463 "Justice. " 1066 00:50:51,381 --> 00:50:56,052 I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed 1067 00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:59,221 by smooth talk and a haircut, 1068 00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:03,601 and forget about the most important aspect of this case. 1069 00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:06,145 Justice. 1070 00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:09,273 A hundred and fifty years ago 1071 00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:11,734 a slave by the name of Dred Scott 1072 00:51:11,818 --> 00:51:15,404 sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property. 1073 00:51:15,864 --> 00:51:17,323 He lost. 1074 00:51:17,574 --> 00:51:21,577 And as history has shown us, that wasn't justice. 1075 00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:26,540 In every civil rights conflict, 1076 00:51:27,209 --> 00:51:31,253 we are only able to recognize the just point of view 1077 00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:33,172 years after the fact. 1078 00:51:33,673 --> 00:51:35,841 And when the next conflict comes along, 1079 00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:39,011 we're once again blind to it as it's happening. 1080 00:51:40,013 --> 00:51:43,432 "Well, this is different," we say, but it isn't. 1081 00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:47,770 It is the same beast, just wearing a different face, 1082 00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:49,480 and it's happening again today. 1083 00:51:51,024 --> 00:51:54,235 So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 1084 00:51:54,402 --> 00:51:57,530 not to be a footnote on the wrong side of history. 1085 00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,368 Don't wait too long to be right. 1086 00:52:04,037 --> 00:52:05,121 Thank you. 1087 00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:10,209 Erection. 1088 00:52:10,377 --> 00:52:11,919 Sustained. 1089 00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,550 Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child. 1090 00:52:17,634 --> 00:52:18,676 Is that correct? 1091 00:52:19,052 --> 00:52:20,094 Yeah. 1092 00:52:20,512 --> 00:52:21,804 And if I may inquire, 1093 00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:24,140 why did you not choose to have a child of your own? 1094 00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:26,350 Because Teddy ain't got no dick. 1095 00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:28,102 (LAUGHTER) 1096 00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:31,147 Uh-huh. 1097 00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:35,943 And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage? 1098 00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:37,778 Is it a freak of genetics? 1099 00:52:38,071 --> 00:52:40,489 No, asshole, he ain't got a dick because he's a fucking toy! 1100 00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:41,615 What's your excuse? 1101 00:52:41,741 --> 00:52:43,367 Whoa-ho! Take a burn! 1102 00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:45,911 Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter? 1103 00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:47,204 Yeah! How'd you... What? 1104 00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:49,039 (GAVEL BANGS) Order! 1105 00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:51,333 Mr. Bennett, 1106 00:52:51,918 --> 00:52:55,087 how would you categorize your relationship with Ted? 1107 00:52:56,006 --> 00:52:57,256 He's my best friend. 1108 00:52:57,674 --> 00:52:59,758 So you don't see him as your property. 1109 00:53:00,093 --> 00:53:02,720 No, he's not my property. He's a person. 1110 00:53:02,804 --> 00:53:04,805 He's way more of a person than lots of other people. 1111 00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:06,265 I mean, fucking Steven Tyler? 1112 00:53:06,349 --> 00:53:07,600 What the fuck is that? Some kind of 1113 00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:09,268 weird soccer-mom-looking Goonie monster? 1114 00:53:09,352 --> 00:53:10,853 Your Honor? I'll allow it. 1115 00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:12,646 Thank you, Your Honor. 1116 00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:14,773 Your witness. 1117 00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:16,609 (CLEARS THROAT) 1118 00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:19,486 Mr. Bennett, 1119 00:53:20,363 --> 00:53:22,615 when and where did you first encounter Ted? 1120 00:53:23,116 --> 00:53:25,451 Oh, what do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid. 1121 00:53:25,577 --> 00:53:27,661 A- ha. They "got him. " 1122 00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,623 Where did they get him? 1123 00:53:33,460 --> 00:53:34,710 Child World toy store. 1124 00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:36,712 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that. Could you repeat that, please? 1125 00:53:36,796 --> 00:53:38,422 Child World toy store. You fucking heard me. 1126 00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:39,882 There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett. 1127 00:53:39,966 --> 00:53:41,258 Why? Nobody here likes you! 1128 00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:43,385 I saw you eating lunch alone! You're a loser! 1129 00:53:43,470 --> 00:53:44,553 Your Honor? Mr. Bennett. 1130 00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:46,013 I hope your kids get bird flu! 1131 00:53:46,139 --> 00:53:47,139 Mr. Bennett! 1132 00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:48,224 I'm sorry. 1133 00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:51,518 Now, you said your parents purchased Ted, 1134 00:53:51,686 --> 00:53:54,980 as one might purchase a baseball glove or a Big Wheel. 1135 00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,232 No, it's not like that! 1136 00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:57,316 Objection! 1137 00:53:57,400 --> 00:53:58,609 You can't do that! 1138 00:53:58,693 --> 00:53:59,902 You know what? This is bullshit! 1139 00:53:59,986 --> 00:54:01,737 This court is trying to tell me 1140 00:54:01,821 --> 00:54:03,197 that I'm not as good as other people, 1141 00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:05,491 and this is exactly what you've been doing to the fags! 1142 00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:06,575 Ted! 1143 00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:07,618 Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homos. 1144 00:54:07,702 --> 00:54:09,245 This is exactly what you've been doing 1145 00:54:09,329 --> 00:54:10,829 to the homos, and I say it's wrong! 1146 00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:13,499 Ms. Jackson, please control your client 1147 00:54:13,583 --> 00:54:15,668 or I'll hold both of you in contempt of court! 1148 00:54:15,752 --> 00:54:16,835 Oh, piss off! 1149 00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,588 I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up for the homos! 1150 00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:20,756 We deserve respect! 1151 00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:21,840 Ted, shut up! 1152 00:54:21,967 --> 00:54:23,217 Fine. 1153 00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:25,886 (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) 1154 00:54:32,477 --> 00:54:34,937 Your Honor, I'd like to call Ted Clubber Lang to the stand. 1155 00:54:35,021 --> 00:54:36,021 Yes! 1156 00:54:36,314 --> 00:54:38,274 My turn, assholes! 1157 00:54:43,488 --> 00:54:44,530 Ted, 1158 00:54:45,282 --> 00:54:46,490 do you love your wife? 1159 00:54:46,574 --> 00:54:49,702 Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled. 1160 00:54:49,911 --> 00:54:51,370 I'll rephrase. 1161 00:54:52,497 --> 00:54:53,956 Do you love Tami-Lynn? 1162 00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:57,459 I love my wife. Okay? My wife. 1163 00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:58,961 More than anything in the world. 1164 00:54:59,045 --> 00:55:01,255 We're married. I don't care what anybody says. 1165 00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:05,217 So you're saying you are capable of feeling love. 1166 00:55:05,593 --> 00:55:06,760 Yeah. 1167 00:55:07,095 --> 00:55:08,721 Hey, it must be weird for you guys, 1168 00:55:08,805 --> 00:55:10,180 having a doll up here on the stand 1169 00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:12,474 with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him, huh? 1170 00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:13,684 (CHUCKLES) 1171 00:55:13,768 --> 00:55:14,935 Yeah, no, yeah, no. 1172 00:55:15,020 --> 00:55:17,980 Yeah, I am capable. I love a lot of stuff. Yeah. 1173 00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:22,693 Ted, do you believe you have a soul? 1174 00:55:24,070 --> 00:55:26,447 (SINGING) What did you think 1175 00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:29,450 I would do at this moment 1176 00:55:29,909 --> 00:55:32,745 When you're standing before me 1177 00:55:32,829 --> 00:55:35,539 With tears in your eyes 1178 00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:37,666 That answer your question? 1179 00:55:37,751 --> 00:55:39,209 Objection. Your Honor? 1180 00:55:39,419 --> 00:55:41,170 (SINGSONGY) Overruled! 1181 00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:44,465 A- ha! What it is, man! Dynomite. 1182 00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:46,592 Ted. Right, right. Sorry, sorry. 1183 00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:50,804 Look, I'm not a scientist, okay? 1184 00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:54,767 I don't know exactly what makes a person a person. 1185 00:55:54,934 --> 00:55:57,394 All I know is I feel stuff. 1186 00:55:57,896 --> 00:55:59,271 Just like all you guys. 1187 00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:02,775 And I don't think I ought to be treated any different. 1188 00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:08,280 Capable of love. 1189 00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:11,492 Aware of his own consciousness. 1190 00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:15,996 Seems pretty human to me. 1191 00:56:16,956 --> 00:56:18,874 No further questions. 1192 00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:20,626 Mr. Kidder, 1193 00:56:20,877 --> 00:56:25,130 you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct? 1194 00:56:25,298 --> 00:56:28,217 Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears. 1195 00:56:28,676 --> 00:56:30,219 And what is that stuffing made of? 1196 00:56:30,303 --> 00:56:32,721 A synthetic cotton-poly blend. 1197 00:56:32,889 --> 00:56:34,556 Is there anything else in there? 1198 00:56:34,891 --> 00:56:38,811 The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest 1199 00:56:39,145 --> 00:56:42,272 which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases. 1200 00:56:43,817 --> 00:56:44,817 Hmm. 1201 00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:48,987 Ted, 1202 00:56:49,989 --> 00:56:51,740 would you please press your chest? 1203 00:56:53,952 --> 00:56:54,993 What? 1204 00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:58,163 Please follow the instruction, Mr. Clubber Lang. 1205 00:57:03,336 --> 00:57:04,837 TED TOY VOICE: I love you! 1206 00:57:05,213 --> 00:57:06,422 (CROWD MURMUR) 1207 00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,598 No further questions. 1208 00:57:19,352 --> 00:57:21,186 FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Also in the news, a pending court case 1209 00:57:21,312 --> 00:57:23,355 is beginning to get national attention 1210 00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,399 for its civil rights ramifications. 1211 00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:27,401 Ted, the bear, who some of you may remember 1212 00:57:27,485 --> 00:57:30,988 came to life back in the mid - '80s right here in Boston, 1213 00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:34,158 is suing to prove he is indeed a person. 1214 00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:36,952 Okay, so what are we even talking about here? 1215 00:57:37,036 --> 00:57:40,914 What we're talking about is a civil rights issue. This bear has rights. 1216 00:57:40,999 --> 00:57:42,958 Oh, come on! He does not! He's a toy. 1217 00:57:43,042 --> 00:57:44,543 Then why are you calling it a "he"? 1218 00:57:44,627 --> 00:57:46,962 Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she," 1219 00:57:47,046 --> 00:57:50,382 but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel. 1220 00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:51,508 Oh, good point. 1221 00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:54,970 Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is. Mmm-hmm. 1222 00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:56,263 (SCOFFS) Now, come on! 1223 00:57:56,347 --> 00:57:57,973 Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me 1224 00:57:58,057 --> 00:57:59,766 that this stuffed doll is a person? 1225 00:57:59,851 --> 00:58:00,809 No. Not at all. 1226 00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:02,060 We all agree all the time. 1227 00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,480 I don't think he should want to be considered a person. 1228 00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,440 After all, you know, Ted spent many years 1229 00:58:06,524 --> 00:58:08,317 sleeping and cuddling with a child. 1230 00:58:08,401 --> 00:58:10,235 That's cute when you're a stuffed animal. 1231 00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:12,321 When you're a person, that's a felony. 1232 00:58:12,405 --> 00:58:13,906 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1233 00:58:14,240 --> 00:58:17,201 Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense? 1234 00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:21,955 I am not an animal! 1235 00:58:22,415 --> 00:58:23,916 (LAUGHTER) 1236 00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:26,752 You see, Your Honor? 1237 00:58:26,836 --> 00:58:28,170 He's not an animal. 1238 00:58:28,546 --> 00:58:29,546 (SNIFFLES) 1239 00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,173 (GROWLING) 1240 00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:39,097 I'm sorry, Your Honor. I'm on my period. 1241 00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:45,270 And live from New York, it's Saturday Night! (APPLAUSE) 1242 00:58:45,855 --> 00:58:47,898 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 1243 00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:04,706 What is taking them so long? 1244 00:59:04,791 --> 00:59:06,583 Oh, is it bad that they're taking this long? 1245 00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:08,293 It's not good or bad. It just means 1246 00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:09,836 that they're probably having a debate. 1247 00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:12,673 Johnny, it may be time to play the Betelgeuse card. 1248 00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:13,757 What do you mean? 1249 00:59:13,841 --> 00:59:15,425 I mean saying his name three times. 1250 00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:16,552 What? 1251 00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:17,803 Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse. 1252 00:59:17,887 --> 00:59:18,971 Shut up! 1253 00:59:19,138 --> 00:59:20,389 You fucking crazy? We don't want 1254 00:59:20,473 --> 00:59:21,640 that guy running around in here. 1255 00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:22,891 No, Johnny, he'll be on our side. 1256 00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:24,309 He'll help us. Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse... 1257 00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:26,979 You are meddling with powers you do not understand. 1258 00:59:27,063 --> 00:59:28,146 Cut the shit. 1259 00:59:28,565 --> 00:59:30,107 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 1260 00:59:40,326 --> 00:59:41,410 Please be seated. 1261 00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:47,082 Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict? 1262 00:59:47,333 --> 00:59:49,167 Yes, we have, Your Honor. (CLEARS THROAT) 1263 00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:53,922 Um, in the case of Ted v. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, 1264 00:59:54,048 --> 00:59:59,344 we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth in that Ted is not a person. 1265 00:59:59,846 --> 01:00:01,138 (CROWD MURMURING) 1266 01:00:08,021 --> 01:00:09,021 (SIGHS) 1267 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,148 (GAVEL BANGING) 1268 01:00:11,649 --> 01:00:12,691 JUDGE: Very well. 1269 01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:15,736 The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property. 1270 01:00:16,279 --> 01:00:18,864 The definition entails the rights thereof 1271 01:00:18,948 --> 01:00:21,408 and will be recognized in the terms set 1272 01:00:21,492 --> 01:00:23,869 by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. 1273 01:00:23,953 --> 01:00:27,039 The court wishes to thank the jury for its service. 1274 01:00:34,213 --> 01:00:36,131 Are you sure you can get him? 1275 01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:38,216 Remember, you're on your own out there. 1276 01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:40,177 Hasbro can have no connection to this. 1277 01:00:40,345 --> 01:00:41,845 Oh, I'll get him. 1278 01:00:42,305 --> 01:00:44,389 And when I have him, I'll call you with the code phrase. 1279 01:00:45,725 --> 01:00:47,351 Do you remember what it is? 1280 01:00:47,727 --> 01:00:48,935 Yes, I remember it. 1281 01:00:49,103 --> 01:00:50,354 Should we say it just for safety? 1282 01:00:50,438 --> 01:00:51,438 No, that's not necessary. 1283 01:00:51,522 --> 01:00:52,481 Say it. Just say it. Say it. 1284 01:00:52,565 --> 01:00:53,732 I don't want to. I don't have to. 1285 01:00:53,858 --> 01:00:57,069 Fresh cakes. 1286 01:01:05,578 --> 01:01:07,496 (SNIFFLING) This isn't fucking fair. 1287 01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:09,498 Teddy's a good man. 1288 01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:12,459 Why is he being treated differently than everybody else? 1289 01:01:12,877 --> 01:01:15,087 (SCOFFS) It's what this country does best. 1290 01:01:15,171 --> 01:01:17,172 Putting different people into little groups 1291 01:01:17,256 --> 01:01:18,632 and making them watch Tyler Perry. 1292 01:01:18,716 --> 01:01:19,925 It's wrong! 1293 01:01:21,302 --> 01:01:22,678 I'm so sorry, baby. 1294 01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:26,264 No, I'm sorry! I thought I'd built a better case. 1295 01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:27,516 It's just... 1296 01:01:27,600 --> 01:01:29,851 The reality is you have a really shitty lawyer. 1297 01:01:29,977 --> 01:01:31,019 Hey, come on. 1298 01:01:31,104 --> 01:01:33,772 Nobody's blaming you for this. You did everything you could. 1299 01:01:33,898 --> 01:01:35,941 (SIGHS) I... I'm sitting here 1300 01:01:36,025 --> 01:01:38,360 and I... I can't believe it's official. 1301 01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:40,362 Oh, so what are we gonna do now? 1302 01:01:40,446 --> 01:01:43,281 I mean, we can't take this Iying down, right? We got to do something. 1303 01:01:44,075 --> 01:01:46,785 You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan. 1304 01:01:46,953 --> 01:01:48,036 Who's that? 1305 01:01:48,329 --> 01:01:50,997 He is the top civil rights attorney in America. 1306 01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:53,542 Wait. Is he the one who got that female midget into the Marines? 1307 01:01:53,626 --> 01:01:54,626 Yeah. 1308 01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:56,044 Yeah, that had a sad ending though, you remember? 1309 01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:57,504 She was at a Veterans Day parade, 1310 01:01:57,588 --> 01:01:58,839 and somebody handed her a bunch of balloons 1311 01:01:58,923 --> 01:02:00,090 and... (WHOOSHES) Gone! 1312 01:02:00,299 --> 01:02:02,259 It was very sad. Very sad for the family. 1313 01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:04,886 You know what? If anyone can get this verdict overturned, it's him. 1314 01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:06,054 He's not cheap, 1315 01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,223 but we've become such a high profile case, 1316 01:02:08,307 --> 01:02:10,559 I feel like he might take it pro bono. 1317 01:02:10,643 --> 01:02:12,060 He's a sucker for media. 1318 01:02:15,857 --> 01:02:17,566 Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh? 1319 01:02:17,650 --> 01:02:19,151 Yeah, that's a good idea. 1320 01:02:20,319 --> 01:02:22,904 Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan. This is Samantha Jackson. 1321 01:02:22,989 --> 01:02:26,324 I defended Ted Clubber Lang in Ted v. Massachusetts. 1322 01:02:27,243 --> 01:02:28,243 Hey! 1323 01:02:28,327 --> 01:02:32,372 Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you so much for taking my call. 1324 01:02:33,040 --> 01:02:34,082 (JOHN GRUNTING) 1325 01:02:34,167 --> 01:02:36,918 Oh, you've been following the case. That's great. 1326 01:02:37,962 --> 01:02:39,838 Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling. (BOTH GRUNTING) 1327 01:02:39,922 --> 01:02:41,757 Yeah, I was wondering 1328 01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:46,178 if, um, maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict. 1329 01:02:48,055 --> 01:02:52,017 Well, yeah. I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation 1330 01:02:52,101 --> 01:02:54,269 because we're not really working with much money. 1331 01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:56,563 But I think you'll be impressed with my client. 1332 01:02:56,647 --> 01:02:58,440 Oh! Ha-ha! Motherfucker! 1333 01:02:58,524 --> 01:02:59,775 Sure. 1334 01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:03,153 Yeah, great. Okay. Thank you so much! 1335 01:03:03,237 --> 01:03:05,572 Okay, I'll see you then. Bye. 1336 01:03:05,865 --> 01:03:07,032 Oh, my God! 1337 01:03:07,116 --> 01:03:08,992 He said he'll meet with us on Friday at 9:00 a. m. 1338 01:03:09,076 --> 01:03:10,494 at his office in New York. 1339 01:03:10,578 --> 01:03:11,787 Is he gonna take the case? 1340 01:03:11,871 --> 01:03:13,914 I don't want to jinx it, but I think so. 1341 01:03:14,081 --> 01:03:16,208 Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny? (LAUGHS) 1342 01:03:16,292 --> 01:03:17,501 I still get a shot! JOHN: Yes! 1343 01:03:17,585 --> 01:03:19,211 Oh, my God! We got to celebrate! 1344 01:03:19,378 --> 01:03:20,462 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1345 01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:22,881 Let's go down to the improv and yell sad suggestions? 1346 01:03:22,965 --> 01:03:23,965 Fuck yeah! 1347 01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:27,052 So first we need a historical event. Who's got an event? 1348 01:03:27,220 --> 01:03:28,220 TED: 9/11. 1349 01:03:28,387 --> 01:03:30,889 (STUTTERS) Okay, maybe something else. 1350 01:03:31,057 --> 01:03:32,641 All right, let's start with a person. 1351 01:03:32,725 --> 01:03:33,809 JOHN: Robin Williams! 1352 01:03:33,976 --> 01:03:37,187 Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real. Who's got a person? 1353 01:03:37,271 --> 01:03:39,147 TED: Robin Williams on 9/11. 1354 01:03:39,232 --> 01:03:40,982 All right, we've heard from these guys. 1355 01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:43,819 Let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. 1356 01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:45,695 How about a location? Let's go with a location. 1357 01:03:45,780 --> 01:03:47,739 TED: The offices of Charlie Hebdo. 1358 01:03:48,032 --> 01:03:50,909 Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need a location. 1359 01:03:50,993 --> 01:03:52,202 JOHN: Ferguson, Missouri. 1360 01:03:52,286 --> 01:03:53,662 TED: Germanwings cockpit. 1361 01:03:53,830 --> 01:03:55,789 Okay, I heard "Starbucks. " TED: No, you didn't. 1362 01:03:55,873 --> 01:03:57,040 JOHN: Nobody said "Starbucks. " 1363 01:03:57,124 --> 01:04:00,252 All right, Starbucks. Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks? 1364 01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:01,586 TED: Bill Cosby. 1365 01:04:01,754 --> 01:04:02,921 You people are monsters. 1366 01:04:03,172 --> 01:04:04,673 JOHN: We're giving you the tools, buddy. 1367 01:04:04,757 --> 01:04:06,258 Come on, make some fucking comedy. 1368 01:04:17,603 --> 01:04:19,646 All right. We'll be back tomorrow afternoon. 1369 01:04:19,814 --> 01:04:21,815 I love you so much, Teddy. 1370 01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:25,318 You go kick some ass because I am not taking off this wedding ring. 1371 01:04:25,486 --> 01:04:28,613 I love you too, baby. I'll see you soon. 1372 01:05:03,649 --> 01:05:05,775 (HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO) 1373 01:05:13,200 --> 01:05:15,201 (SINGING) Ifyou wanna sit there with a pie of meat 1374 01:05:15,286 --> 01:05:17,495 Just fuck your own brother in the front seat 1375 01:05:17,580 --> 01:05:20,373 Oh, why can't you just say please? 1376 01:05:20,458 --> 01:05:22,959 Hey! Must be the money 1377 01:05:23,669 --> 01:05:26,254 Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag that says "Arizona State"? 1378 01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:27,714 Because that's where I went to school. 1379 01:05:27,840 --> 01:05:29,883 What, you went to Arizona State? 1380 01:05:29,967 --> 01:05:30,967 Yeah, why? 1381 01:05:31,052 --> 01:05:33,094 Oh, man, that's why we lost the case. 1382 01:05:33,179 --> 01:05:34,262 Hello? You're dicks. 1383 01:05:34,347 --> 01:05:37,599 Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been fucked on a houseboat? 1384 01:05:37,725 --> 01:05:39,684 (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) 1385 01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:40,852 Oh, come on. 1386 01:05:40,937 --> 01:05:42,103 Did you write your dissertation 1387 01:05:42,188 --> 01:05:44,522 on the collected works of, uh, Red Bull? 1388 01:05:44,690 --> 01:05:46,691 Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it. 1389 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:51,071 TED: So do you say "Arizona State University" or do you just say "HPVU"? 1390 01:05:55,910 --> 01:05:58,453 This is perfect. We're gonna get to the city before 10:00. 1391 01:05:58,871 --> 01:06:00,664 Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad? 1392 01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:02,207 Mmm, it's actually delicious. 1393 01:06:02,375 --> 01:06:04,292 Everybody always says that about their salad. 1394 01:06:04,377 --> 01:06:05,627 They're all a bunch of fucking liars. 1395 01:06:05,795 --> 01:06:07,671 No, I love it. It's really good. 1396 01:06:07,755 --> 01:06:10,090 Have some Cookie Crisp. You need something nutritional. 1397 01:06:10,216 --> 01:06:11,549 Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp? 1398 01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:13,385 Because you've been staring at it, and you want it. 1399 01:06:13,552 --> 01:06:16,388 Hey, what's the deal here? You guys ever gonna make out or what? 1400 01:06:16,722 --> 01:06:17,973 Teddy, come on, dude! 1401 01:06:18,057 --> 01:06:21,309 No, I'm just saying. You look like you're hitting it off, you know? 1402 01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:23,269 Sam, you dig him, right? 1403 01:06:25,272 --> 01:06:26,314 MAN: Hey! 1404 01:06:26,399 --> 01:06:28,274 Where the hell's my coffee? I've been waiting for 10 minutes. 1405 01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:30,568 I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot. I'll get it right away. 1406 01:06:30,695 --> 01:06:33,488 Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets. Figure it out! 1407 01:06:34,073 --> 01:06:35,490 What a prick! 1408 01:06:35,950 --> 01:06:38,576 Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a Cookie Crisp into his ass crack. 1409 01:06:38,744 --> 01:06:39,911 Wait, let me try. 1410 01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:42,455 I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State. 1411 01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:44,416 Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom? 1412 01:06:44,667 --> 01:06:46,001 Shut up. 1413 01:06:46,752 --> 01:06:48,503 Oh, my God! Holy shit! 1414 01:06:48,587 --> 01:06:50,338 Who did that? 1415 01:06:50,589 --> 01:06:53,341 Oh, Jesus Christ. You got to be kidding me! 1416 01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:55,176 Now, we're assholes. Look what you did. 1417 01:06:55,261 --> 01:06:58,013 I swear to God, I'll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it? 1418 01:06:58,097 --> 01:07:01,016 Uh, sir, I apologize for my 5-year-old son. 1419 01:07:01,225 --> 01:07:02,475 (IN KID'S VOICE) I'm sowwy! 1420 01:07:02,601 --> 01:07:03,643 Sowwy, sir. 1421 01:07:03,769 --> 01:07:06,187 Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies. I'm sowwy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 1422 01:07:06,772 --> 01:07:10,108 Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay. 1423 01:07:10,568 --> 01:07:12,694 Oh, my God. Now we're even bigger assholes. 1424 01:07:12,778 --> 01:07:14,446 Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass. 1425 01:07:14,613 --> 01:07:15,905 You guys making trouble over here? 1426 01:07:15,990 --> 01:07:17,657 Uh, no, ma'am. We're just minding our business. 1427 01:07:17,992 --> 01:07:20,118 Let's try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah? 1428 01:07:20,870 --> 01:07:22,287 Oh, he's not my boyfriend. 1429 01:07:22,705 --> 01:07:23,705 Oh. 1430 01:07:24,123 --> 01:07:25,331 Good. 1431 01:07:25,624 --> 01:07:27,042 We'll just get the check. Thanks. 1432 01:07:27,126 --> 01:07:28,418 Of course. 1433 01:07:30,755 --> 01:07:31,755 TED: Oh, my God. 1434 01:07:31,839 --> 01:07:34,799 John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1435 01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:36,051 No, she wasn't. 1436 01:07:36,135 --> 01:07:37,469 She was giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1437 01:07:37,636 --> 01:07:38,845 What are the fuck-me eyes? 1438 01:07:39,013 --> 01:07:41,514 Some women just have fuck-me eyes. 1439 01:07:41,974 --> 01:07:43,224 Do I have fuck-me eyes? 1440 01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:45,727 No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes. 1441 01:07:46,312 --> 01:07:47,312 We better get going. 1442 01:07:47,396 --> 01:07:49,397 We got two hours of driving left and I'm kind of beat. 1443 01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:51,149 Yeah, we got to be well rested for tomorrow. 1444 01:07:51,233 --> 01:07:53,151 I'll drive. You can take a nap. 1445 01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:54,486 You don't have a license. 1446 01:07:54,570 --> 01:07:56,071 Who cares? Johnny lets me drive 1447 01:07:56,155 --> 01:07:57,572 every once in a while when he's too hammered. 1448 01:07:57,656 --> 01:07:58,656 I'm a fucking pro! 1449 01:07:59,283 --> 01:08:00,492 Besides, 1450 01:08:00,576 --> 01:08:03,078 I've been kicked around a lot this week. I just... 1451 01:08:03,412 --> 01:08:05,246 I want to feel useful, you know? 1452 01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:06,998 Twenty minutes behind the wheel. 1453 01:08:07,166 --> 01:08:08,166 Yay! 1454 01:08:08,334 --> 01:08:09,876 (R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) 1455 01:08:32,316 --> 01:08:34,526 (TIRES SCREECHING) (HORN HONKING) 1456 01:08:57,883 --> 01:08:59,425 (LIP-SYNCHING TO SONG) 1457 01:09:09,812 --> 01:09:10,979 (SONG ENDS) 1458 01:09:11,981 --> 01:09:13,565 Ah! Ah! Shit, shit, shit! 1459 01:09:14,942 --> 01:09:16,067 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1460 01:09:21,907 --> 01:09:22,907 (HORN HONKING) 1461 01:09:44,180 --> 01:09:45,430 What the fuck? 1462 01:09:45,514 --> 01:09:47,974 Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes. You wanna take over? 1463 01:10:01,197 --> 01:10:02,989 (STUTTERS) Hey, listen, Sam, I'm real sorry. 1464 01:10:03,073 --> 01:10:04,782 That barn just came out of nowhere. 1465 01:10:04,867 --> 01:10:07,202 No, no, it's my fault. I... I, uh... 1466 01:10:07,286 --> 01:10:08,912 I should never have let you drive. 1467 01:10:08,996 --> 01:10:10,580 Yeah. You were wrong. 1468 01:10:10,664 --> 01:10:12,290 You were wrong to do that. Yeah. 1469 01:10:12,374 --> 01:10:16,294 But that and the trial are the only two things you fucked up. So, uh... 1470 01:10:17,129 --> 01:10:18,880 I can't see shit in there. 1471 01:10:18,964 --> 01:10:21,049 We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out. 1472 01:10:21,383 --> 01:10:23,968 Uh, wait. Are we gonna spend the night here? 1473 01:10:24,136 --> 01:10:26,679 Yeah, it'll be fine. We just got to find some firewood. 1474 01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:38,733 What the hell? 1475 01:10:42,196 --> 01:10:43,446 (SNIFFS) 1476 01:10:44,740 --> 01:10:46,908 Holy shit! Hey, Ted! 1477 01:10:47,952 --> 01:10:51,162 You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze. 1478 01:10:51,247 --> 01:10:52,372 It's a really rare strain. 1479 01:10:52,456 --> 01:10:54,666 It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. 1480 01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:56,042 It's totally potent. 1481 01:10:56,126 --> 01:10:57,418 I've only had it once in my life 1482 01:10:57,503 --> 01:10:59,003 and it was one of the best highs I ever had. 1483 01:10:59,213 --> 01:11:00,421 What the hell is a leaf of this stuff 1484 01:11:00,506 --> 01:11:01,673 doing out in the middle of a... 1485 01:11:12,851 --> 01:11:14,852 (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) 1486 01:11:31,036 --> 01:11:33,830 Dear God! Dear God in heaven! 1487 01:11:34,790 --> 01:11:36,374 (SOBS) So beautiful. 1488 01:11:37,626 --> 01:11:39,294 It's so beautiful. 1489 01:11:39,962 --> 01:11:41,421 No words. 1490 01:11:42,381 --> 01:11:44,632 No words. (SNIFFLES) 1491 01:11:44,717 --> 01:11:46,718 They should've sent a poet. 1492 01:11:54,059 --> 01:11:55,893 They're moving in herds. 1493 01:11:56,812 --> 01:11:58,730 They do move in herds. 1494 01:12:02,860 --> 01:12:05,653 Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip. 1495 01:12:05,738 --> 01:12:08,656 TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of an awkward position, here. 1496 01:12:08,741 --> 01:12:10,199 I mean, we wanna get high, too. 1497 01:12:10,284 --> 01:12:11,617 I don't have any papers or nothing. 1498 01:12:11,744 --> 01:12:14,620 Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. 1499 01:12:14,913 --> 01:12:15,913 (LAUGHS) 1500 01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:17,832 It's so stupid. Here, try it. 1501 01:12:17,916 --> 01:12:19,000 Uh, no. 1502 01:12:19,084 --> 01:12:20,126 Why? 1503 01:12:20,210 --> 01:12:22,670 I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth. 1504 01:12:22,755 --> 01:12:24,130 Oh, you think this is big? 1505 01:12:24,340 --> 01:12:25,340 (LAUGHS) 1506 01:12:25,424 --> 01:12:27,050 Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal. 1507 01:12:27,134 --> 01:12:28,092 This is all I brought. 1508 01:12:28,177 --> 01:12:30,011 How about this? I'm gonna go check out the barn 1509 01:12:30,095 --> 01:12:32,096 and I'm gonna see if I can find a soda can or something 1510 01:12:32,181 --> 01:12:33,348 for us to make an actual bong. 1511 01:12:33,432 --> 01:12:35,266 Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong. 1512 01:12:35,517 --> 01:12:38,186 Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the South Korean president. (LAUGHS) 1513 01:12:38,270 --> 01:12:39,354 Right? 1514 01:12:39,605 --> 01:12:40,855 She gets... You get it. 1515 01:12:40,939 --> 01:12:41,939 Right? No. 1516 01:12:42,107 --> 01:12:43,149 What? 1517 01:12:43,317 --> 01:12:44,984 Okay, I'll be back. 1518 01:12:45,527 --> 01:12:46,819 Sorry. 1519 01:12:46,987 --> 01:12:49,489 No. This is nice. 1520 01:12:49,656 --> 01:12:51,491 You know? I always wanted my ex-wife 1521 01:12:51,575 --> 01:12:53,201 to get stoned with me. She never would. 1522 01:12:53,369 --> 01:12:54,369 Really? 1523 01:12:54,453 --> 01:12:57,372 Wow. That's the cornerstone of any great marriage. 1524 01:12:57,539 --> 01:12:58,956 I agree. (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1525 01:13:02,961 --> 01:13:05,505 So, you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us? 1526 01:13:05,672 --> 01:13:08,508 I mean, honestly, I don't know. Um... 1527 01:13:09,885 --> 01:13:11,386 But we're going to the right place. 1528 01:13:12,554 --> 01:13:14,138 Listen, I just really want to thank you 1529 01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:16,057 for all you've done, all you're doing for us. 1530 01:13:16,141 --> 01:13:17,934 I know it's not making you rich. 1531 01:13:18,018 --> 01:13:19,060 Please. 1532 01:13:19,144 --> 01:13:21,396 There are more important things in life than money. 1533 01:13:22,815 --> 01:13:24,023 Look, 1534 01:13:24,733 --> 01:13:26,943 I don't know what kind of mojo was in 1535 01:13:27,027 --> 01:13:28,736 that wish you made when you were a child, 1536 01:13:28,821 --> 01:13:30,696 but this bear is alive. 1537 01:13:31,657 --> 01:13:35,701 And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life, 1538 01:13:36,328 --> 01:13:38,496 how soon before it devalues another? 1539 01:13:38,831 --> 01:13:40,748 Who gets subjugated after the bear? 1540 01:13:42,376 --> 01:13:44,377 You're really smart, you know that? 1541 01:13:45,754 --> 01:13:46,963 How come you don't have a guy? 1542 01:13:47,339 --> 01:13:49,590 Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? 1543 01:13:49,675 --> 01:13:51,676 I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy 1544 01:13:51,760 --> 01:13:53,678 with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket 1545 01:13:53,762 --> 01:13:56,180 and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope. 1546 01:13:56,265 --> 01:13:57,306 Yeah. (CHUCKLES) 1547 01:13:57,391 --> 01:13:58,683 That's so dumb. 1548 01:13:59,685 --> 01:14:01,185 (GRUNTS) I couldn't find any cans, 1549 01:14:01,270 --> 01:14:03,938 but I got to tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn. 1550 01:14:04,022 --> 01:14:07,066 Take a look at this. I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar. 1551 01:14:07,276 --> 01:14:08,651 Hey, be careful with that, huh. 1552 01:14:08,819 --> 01:14:09,944 No, it's okay. It's not loaded. 1553 01:14:11,905 --> 01:14:14,073 And my fucking nose came off. 1554 01:14:15,576 --> 01:14:17,535 Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to. 1555 01:14:17,661 --> 01:14:19,620 Maybe we should find someplace else. (PLAYS GUITAR) 1556 01:14:19,705 --> 01:14:21,706 We're in the middle of nowhere. 1557 01:14:21,790 --> 01:14:23,833 If we get out of here by dawn, we should be fine, right? 1558 01:14:26,086 --> 01:14:27,336 You play the guitar? 1559 01:14:28,213 --> 01:14:30,715 A little bit. I learned when I was a kid. 1560 01:14:40,058 --> 01:14:43,060 (SINGING) Mean ol' moon 1561 01:14:43,228 --> 01:14:45,563 It must be fun 1562 01:14:46,982 --> 01:14:52,111 To shine upon me as I come undone 1563 01:14:52,738 --> 01:14:58,576 Till I'm all alone beneath the sun 1564 01:14:59,077 --> 01:15:05,249 You mean ol' moon 1565 01:15:05,709 --> 01:15:11,172 With your beam you led the way 1566 01:15:12,591 --> 01:15:18,095 And found me love I thought was here to stay 1567 01:15:18,347 --> 01:15:24,685 Then you went and took my love away 1568 01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:29,941 You mean ol' moon 1569 01:15:30,609 --> 01:15:36,948 Oh, you mean ol' stars above 1570 01:15:37,491 --> 01:15:43,579 The games that you play with me 1571 01:15:44,081 --> 01:15:49,043 I could find some happiness 1572 01:15:50,128 --> 01:15:56,133 If all of my nights were cloudy 1573 01:15:56,552 --> 01:15:59,345 Mean ol' moon 1574 01:15:59,846 --> 01:16:02,306 I hope it's true 1575 01:16:03,767 --> 01:16:08,813 You're takin' all the light that's left in you 1576 01:16:09,481 --> 01:16:15,736 And saving it up for you know who 1577 01:16:15,821 --> 01:16:28,833 You mean ol' moon 1578 01:16:47,352 --> 01:16:49,020 Yes! 1579 01:17:04,786 --> 01:17:05,911 You got it. 1580 01:17:06,204 --> 01:17:07,288 You got it! 1581 01:17:07,539 --> 01:17:09,040 Come on, put your legs into it. 1582 01:17:11,293 --> 01:17:13,085 There you go! Nice job! 1583 01:17:13,170 --> 01:17:14,170 Jesus. 1584 01:17:14,254 --> 01:17:15,671 So, listen, I got to ask. 1585 01:17:15,756 --> 01:17:18,883 Was it just kissing last night? Or was there finger stuff? 1586 01:17:25,057 --> 01:17:27,516 Man, we got a lot of pot in this car. I wish we could smoke it. 1587 01:17:27,601 --> 01:17:28,851 Oh, we're gonna smoke it, all right, 1588 01:17:28,935 --> 01:17:30,144 but just stuff it under the seat for now. 1589 01:17:30,228 --> 01:17:31,228 We don't wanna go to jail. 1590 01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:32,563 Yeah, that's a good idea. 1591 01:17:38,695 --> 01:17:40,446 (LIGHTER FLICKERING) 1592 01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:42,990 (INHALES) 1593 01:17:49,164 --> 01:17:50,164 (CAMERA CLICKS) 1594 01:17:50,248 --> 01:17:51,749 Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing? 1595 01:17:51,917 --> 01:17:54,919 Hashtag "My amazing summer. " 1596 01:17:55,212 --> 01:17:57,004 God damn it! What the hell's wrong with you? 1597 01:17:57,089 --> 01:17:58,422 Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard. 1598 01:17:58,507 --> 01:17:59,757 What do you mean? I was just messing around. 1599 01:17:59,841 --> 01:18:01,801 Oh, shut up and suck that dick. 1600 01:18:01,885 --> 01:18:02,885 Oh, fuck you. 1601 01:18:03,345 --> 01:18:04,929 (BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING) 1602 01:18:30,831 --> 01:18:32,289 MEN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 1603 01:18:32,332 --> 01:18:34,125 Watch it. Jesus! Watch where you're going! 1604 01:18:34,209 --> 01:18:37,128 It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way! Yeah. 1605 01:18:37,212 --> 01:18:38,212 BOTH: Whoa! 1606 01:18:38,296 --> 01:18:40,631 Hey, what the hell you doing walking around dressed like Star Wars? 1607 01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:43,759 It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're going to the Javits Center. 1608 01:18:43,844 --> 01:18:45,219 You're the idiots, because you three guys 1609 01:18:45,303 --> 01:18:46,554 would never be walking together! 1610 01:18:46,638 --> 01:18:49,557 Yeah, you're his boss and you two guys are enemies! 1611 01:18:49,641 --> 01:18:51,267 Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk! 1612 01:18:51,351 --> 01:18:53,102 Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek! 1613 01:18:53,186 --> 01:18:54,395 Yeah, that's two different franchises. 1614 01:18:54,563 --> 01:18:56,105 Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn't know. 1615 01:18:56,189 --> 01:18:58,566 Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 1616 01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:00,985 All right, let's go. 1617 01:19:02,237 --> 01:19:03,904 Oh, hey, come on. It's not worth it, man. 1618 01:19:03,989 --> 01:19:05,573 Come on. 1619 01:19:14,040 --> 01:19:15,750 (SIGHS) 1620 01:19:23,759 --> 01:19:26,385 This Patrick Meighan's got a classy setup, huh? 1621 01:19:26,470 --> 01:19:27,511 Mmm. 1622 01:19:32,225 --> 01:19:34,852 And there is our first impression. 1623 01:19:35,353 --> 01:19:37,354 Ms. Jackson? Mr. Meighan will see you now. 1624 01:19:37,439 --> 01:19:39,023 Oh, okay. Thank you. 1625 01:19:45,739 --> 01:19:48,115 Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in. 1626 01:19:48,700 --> 01:19:50,534 Mr. Meighan, this is such an honor. 1627 01:19:50,702 --> 01:19:52,286 Thank you so much for meeting with us. 1628 01:19:52,370 --> 01:19:54,622 Not at all. It's my pleasure. Please, sit down. 1629 01:19:54,831 --> 01:19:56,957 Oh, this office is fucking awesome. 1630 01:19:57,042 --> 01:19:58,959 Yeah, totally. Hey, hey. 1631 01:19:59,211 --> 01:20:00,461 You ever bring chicks up here? 1632 01:20:01,379 --> 01:20:02,546 What do you think? 1633 01:20:02,798 --> 01:20:05,883 I think I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice. 1634 01:20:07,552 --> 01:20:09,011 I'll get right down to it. 1635 01:20:09,304 --> 01:20:11,096 I don't want to waste too much of your time. 1636 01:20:12,891 --> 01:20:15,726 Ted, I've been reviewing your file. 1637 01:20:16,019 --> 01:20:18,312 And while I'm sympathetic to your cause, 1638 01:20:18,396 --> 01:20:21,607 I'm sorry to say I won't be taking your case. 1639 01:20:21,733 --> 01:20:22,817 What? Why? 1640 01:20:22,901 --> 01:20:23,901 Why not? 1641 01:20:24,027 --> 01:20:25,820 Well, it comes down to this. 1642 01:20:27,906 --> 01:20:30,699 You want to be human in the eyes of the law. 1643 01:20:31,034 --> 01:20:33,410 That's a hard sell, even for me. 1644 01:20:33,912 --> 01:20:36,330 See, the important thing about being human 1645 01:20:36,414 --> 01:20:38,791 is making a contribution to society. 1646 01:20:38,875 --> 01:20:41,252 Assisting in the betterment of your race. 1647 01:20:41,628 --> 01:20:43,420 You've done none of that. 1648 01:20:43,588 --> 01:20:45,214 I've read about your life. 1649 01:20:45,382 --> 01:20:48,551 The drugs, the parties, the prostitutes, the arrests. 1650 01:20:48,635 --> 01:20:51,053 Mr. Meighan, we've come a long way to meet you 1651 01:20:51,137 --> 01:20:52,763 because you said that you could help us. 1652 01:20:53,098 --> 01:20:55,015 I said I would consider it. 1653 01:20:55,600 --> 01:20:56,934 And I have. 1654 01:20:58,270 --> 01:21:00,604 Ted, you're special. 1655 01:21:00,939 --> 01:21:03,315 You could've been an inspiration to the world. 1656 01:21:03,483 --> 01:21:05,651 Could've been a leader, a role model. 1657 01:21:06,611 --> 01:21:08,237 Instead you're 1658 01:21:09,114 --> 01:21:10,281 Justin Bieber. 1659 01:21:10,824 --> 01:21:11,824 Fuck you! 1660 01:21:11,950 --> 01:21:13,200 Hey, Ted! Come on! I'm sorry. 1661 01:21:13,285 --> 01:21:15,286 He doesn't mean that. Please forgive me, I'm sorry. 1662 01:21:15,453 --> 01:21:16,745 There's just no indication 1663 01:21:16,830 --> 01:21:19,748 that you've had any positive effect on the world around you. 1664 01:21:19,916 --> 01:21:22,585 Well, that's not true. He's had a positive effect on me. 1665 01:21:22,752 --> 01:21:25,629 Would that positive effect be your joint arrest 1666 01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:28,048 for purchasing marijuana in 2003? 1667 01:21:28,133 --> 01:21:30,843 Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert? 1668 01:21:32,679 --> 01:21:34,722 You know why you lost this case? 1669 01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,309 It can't be argued by reason. 1670 01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:41,812 The precedent it sets would affect the public directly. 1671 01:21:42,022 --> 01:21:45,274 And unfortunately, the public doesn't judge by reason. 1672 01:21:45,358 --> 01:21:47,568 It judges by emotion. 1673 01:21:48,945 --> 01:21:51,780 And you can't appeal an emotional conviction. 1674 01:21:52,198 --> 01:21:55,659 Nonetheless, I wish you all the best in your efforts. 1675 01:21:57,996 --> 01:21:59,496 He needs help. 1676 01:21:59,998 --> 01:22:01,498 And from what I know about you, 1677 01:22:01,666 --> 01:22:04,043 at one point in your career that would've been enough. 1678 01:22:04,920 --> 01:22:08,339 I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be. 1679 01:22:17,057 --> 01:22:18,891 Are those Tootsie Rolls just, like, to take? 1680 01:22:21,019 --> 01:22:23,228 Those aren't supposed to be out. 1681 01:22:34,366 --> 01:22:36,408 So that's it. I'm property. 1682 01:22:37,202 --> 01:22:39,078 No rights, no nothing. 1683 01:22:39,704 --> 01:22:42,706 Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks. 1684 01:22:43,083 --> 01:22:44,541 I feel terrible. 1685 01:22:45,168 --> 01:22:47,044 I let you guys down all over again. 1686 01:22:47,170 --> 01:22:50,381 Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. 1687 01:22:51,591 --> 01:22:53,175 And, look, regardless of all this shit, 1688 01:22:53,259 --> 01:22:55,844 you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. 1689 01:23:02,060 --> 01:23:03,060 Oh. Oh, that... 1690 01:23:03,269 --> 01:23:04,395 That's great! That's fucking great! 1691 01:23:04,479 --> 01:23:05,521 I'm glad you guys are so happy! 1692 01:23:05,605 --> 01:23:06,647 What? 1693 01:23:06,731 --> 01:23:08,691 What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here. 1694 01:23:08,775 --> 01:23:11,276 And you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, 1695 01:23:11,361 --> 01:23:13,028 and she's probably still fucking billing us! 1696 01:23:13,113 --> 01:23:15,197 Well, don't yell at us, dude! We didn't do anything! 1697 01:23:15,365 --> 01:23:16,657 Yeah, exactly! Exactly! 1698 01:23:16,741 --> 01:23:19,827 Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other, 1699 01:23:19,911 --> 01:23:22,746 Sam could've won this thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing! 1700 01:23:22,831 --> 01:23:24,999 Like garbage or a piece of shit! 1701 01:23:25,458 --> 01:23:27,793 Hey, we've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. 1702 01:23:27,877 --> 01:23:28,919 And remember, you're the one 1703 01:23:29,004 --> 01:23:30,004 who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. 1704 01:23:30,088 --> 01:23:32,006 I finally meet someone and you're giving me shit for it? 1705 01:23:32,090 --> 01:23:33,674 Oh, no, you're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. 1706 01:23:33,758 --> 01:23:34,842 You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. 1707 01:23:34,926 --> 01:23:37,344 I got no job, no marriage and no life! 1708 01:23:37,429 --> 01:23:40,514 But you have fun porking Gollum here, while I'm left with shit! 1709 01:23:40,682 --> 01:23:41,765 Ted! 1710 01:23:41,933 --> 01:23:42,975 Who's Gollum? 1711 01:23:43,059 --> 01:23:45,102 She's a model. Ted, come back! 1712 01:23:45,270 --> 01:23:46,353 Leave me alone! 1713 01:23:46,479 --> 01:23:47,604 JOHN: Ted! SAMANTHA: Ted! 1714 01:23:48,940 --> 01:23:50,107 (SIGHS) 1715 01:23:51,776 --> 01:23:52,901 Shit. 1716 01:24:03,455 --> 01:24:04,455 MAN: Whoa. 1717 01:24:05,457 --> 01:24:06,540 Sorry, bro. 1718 01:24:43,828 --> 01:24:45,287 GUY: Hey, Ted! 1719 01:24:47,332 --> 01:24:48,415 Guy? 1720 01:24:48,500 --> 01:24:49,875 I thought that was you. What's happening, man? 1721 01:24:49,959 --> 01:24:51,960 Hey, Rick! It is Ted. 1722 01:24:52,045 --> 01:24:53,087 Hey, how you doing? 1723 01:24:53,463 --> 01:24:55,339 Hey, what's going on? What are you doing here? 1724 01:24:55,465 --> 01:24:59,843 (SIGHS) I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here? 1725 01:25:00,136 --> 01:25:02,721 Well, you know, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag. 1726 01:25:02,806 --> 01:25:06,141 Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds. 1727 01:25:06,226 --> 01:25:07,434 Hey, spaz. 1728 01:25:07,519 --> 01:25:10,395 Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh? 1729 01:25:10,522 --> 01:25:11,772 (GROANS) 1730 01:25:13,066 --> 01:25:14,358 (BOTH LAUGH) 1731 01:25:14,609 --> 01:25:17,569 Uh-huh. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there. 1732 01:25:17,654 --> 01:25:19,029 Right on. You, too, man. 1733 01:25:20,073 --> 01:25:22,491 God damn it, that underwear had shit on it! 1734 01:25:27,372 --> 01:25:28,455 Hey. 1735 01:25:29,040 --> 01:25:30,249 Are you Ted? 1736 01:25:30,542 --> 01:25:32,209 Uh, yeah. 1737 01:25:32,502 --> 01:25:33,502 (LAUGHS) 1738 01:25:33,586 --> 01:25:34,962 This is so exciting! 1739 01:25:35,046 --> 01:25:37,381 I was such a big fan of yours in the early '90s. 1740 01:25:37,632 --> 01:25:40,342 Oh, thanks a lot. What's your name? 1741 01:25:40,510 --> 01:25:41,969 I'm Raphael. 1742 01:25:42,053 --> 01:25:44,054 Hey, do you think I could take a picture with you? 1743 01:25:44,347 --> 01:25:45,764 Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem. 1744 01:25:45,849 --> 01:25:47,641 Great, great! Here, follow me. 1745 01:25:49,435 --> 01:25:51,687 Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here? 1746 01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:52,938 Well, you're a celebrity. 1747 01:25:53,022 --> 01:25:55,190 I just don't want you to get mobbed when people recognize you. 1748 01:25:55,275 --> 01:25:58,152 Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken for an Ewok three times today. 1749 01:25:58,236 --> 01:25:59,278 All right, let's do this. 1750 01:26:04,117 --> 01:26:05,993 Holy shit! Donny! 1751 01:26:06,452 --> 01:26:08,412 It's so good to see you, Ted. 1752 01:26:09,414 --> 01:26:10,789 It's been some time, hasn't it? 1753 01:26:11,082 --> 01:26:13,250 What, you mean since you ripped me in half? 1754 01:26:14,252 --> 01:26:15,961 That wasn't supposed to happen. 1755 01:26:16,129 --> 01:26:17,629 That was an accident. 1756 01:26:18,464 --> 01:26:20,716 I have some big plans for you, Ted. 1757 01:26:21,467 --> 01:26:22,926 Very big plans. 1758 01:26:23,428 --> 01:26:25,053 I need you to come with me now. 1759 01:26:25,221 --> 01:26:26,180 Go to hell! 1760 01:26:26,264 --> 01:26:27,264 (GRUNTS) 1761 01:26:39,319 --> 01:26:41,111 RICK: Nice lunch, spaz. 1762 01:26:50,914 --> 01:26:52,331 Hey! What the hell! 1763 01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:58,670 He could be anywhere. We're not gonna find him. 1764 01:26:58,755 --> 01:27:00,047 We should just wait by the car. 1765 01:27:00,131 --> 01:27:01,715 What do you mean? We have to find him, okay? 1766 01:27:01,799 --> 01:27:03,842 He's a teddy bear on his own in New York, for God's sakes. 1767 01:27:03,927 --> 01:27:05,636 (SCOFFS) (CELLPHONE RINGING) 1768 01:27:07,639 --> 01:27:08,680 Hello? 1769 01:27:08,765 --> 01:27:10,557 Johnny, Johnny, it's me. You got to help me. 1770 01:27:10,642 --> 01:27:12,976 Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you. 1771 01:27:13,186 --> 01:27:16,647 I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny! He's here! 1772 01:27:16,773 --> 01:27:18,232 He's after me. You got to get over here. 1773 01:27:18,316 --> 01:27:19,900 What the fuck? Did you just say "Donny"? 1774 01:27:19,984 --> 01:27:21,068 John, what's going on? 1775 01:27:21,152 --> 01:27:22,694 Yes, it's him! He's... 1776 01:27:24,614 --> 01:27:25,822 Oh, shit! 1777 01:27:29,202 --> 01:27:30,827 Ted! Ted, hello? 1778 01:27:31,079 --> 01:27:32,913 What's the matter? Oh, my God. Déjà vu. 1779 01:27:33,164 --> 01:27:34,665 We got to get to Comic Con. Come on! 1780 01:27:39,337 --> 01:27:41,004 Get out of the way! 1781 01:27:52,684 --> 01:27:54,184 You know, 1782 01:27:55,228 --> 01:27:57,396 I really love that Neil Diamond. 1783 01:27:58,064 --> 01:28:02,859 Especially that song they sing at the Red Sox games. 1784 01:28:04,654 --> 01:28:06,530 It's just so infectious. 1785 01:28:07,115 --> 01:28:09,241 You just can't help but sing along. 1786 01:28:10,410 --> 01:28:14,746 (SINGING) Hands touching hands 1787 01:28:16,332 --> 01:28:18,292 Reaching out 1788 01:28:19,294 --> 01:28:24,756 Touching me, touching you 1789 01:28:25,133 --> 01:28:28,802 Sweet Caroline 1790 01:28:28,886 --> 01:28:30,304 Bah, bah, bah! 1791 01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:31,388 Fuck! 1792 01:28:32,098 --> 01:28:33,223 Crazy son of a bitch! 1793 01:28:33,933 --> 01:28:35,267 (TED GRUNTING) 1794 01:28:36,853 --> 01:28:37,978 MAN: Hey! 1795 01:28:38,062 --> 01:28:39,396 What are you doing to that bear? 1796 01:28:39,814 --> 01:28:41,064 I'm sorry. I, uh... 1797 01:28:41,232 --> 01:28:42,983 You better be planning on buying that! 1798 01:28:43,568 --> 01:28:45,777 He just reminds me of when I was a kid. 1799 01:28:45,862 --> 01:28:46,820 Yeah, that's great. 1800 01:28:46,904 --> 01:28:47,904 $40. 1801 01:28:47,989 --> 01:28:49,239 Okay. 1802 01:28:50,408 --> 01:28:51,908 I have $40, here. 1803 01:29:01,794 --> 01:29:02,836 You see him anywhere? 1804 01:29:02,920 --> 01:29:04,671 No. Let's try in there. 1805 01:29:07,759 --> 01:29:10,469 Hi. Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear run through here? 1806 01:29:10,553 --> 01:29:12,596 Shh. They're about to announce the new Superman. 1807 01:29:12,680 --> 01:29:15,265 The new Superman is... 1808 01:29:15,558 --> 01:29:16,808 Jonah Hill! 1809 01:29:17,060 --> 01:29:18,101 Fuck! 1810 01:29:18,186 --> 01:29:19,561 Who's Superman? What? 1811 01:29:19,645 --> 01:29:21,688 I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you. Come on! 1812 01:29:22,523 --> 01:29:24,775 And if that is not big enough news, 1813 01:29:24,859 --> 01:29:27,694 Hasbro will be unveiling a brand-new line 1814 01:29:27,779 --> 01:29:30,614 of Transformers merchandise next fall. 1815 01:29:30,865 --> 01:29:32,240 (CHEERING) 1816 01:29:32,700 --> 01:29:34,284 We've got a brand-new line of Decepticons... 1817 01:29:34,369 --> 01:29:35,369 Hey! 1818 01:29:35,453 --> 01:29:36,787 ...that is gonna be... Fresh cakes. 1819 01:29:36,871 --> 01:29:40,791 Fresh cakes. 1820 01:29:43,086 --> 01:29:44,127 Comic Con fans, 1821 01:29:44,212 --> 01:29:46,046 let's take a look at this thrilling sizzle reel 1822 01:29:46,130 --> 01:29:47,923 with all of our exciting new toys. 1823 01:29:48,549 --> 01:29:49,591 Take a look. 1824 01:29:49,675 --> 01:29:50,801 (CHEERING) 1825 01:29:55,807 --> 01:29:58,183 Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs. 1826 01:29:58,267 --> 01:29:59,267 Is that him? 1827 01:29:59,352 --> 01:30:01,353 Yeah, there was an issue, so he's 1828 01:30:01,437 --> 01:30:02,896 unconscious now, but yeah, this is him. 1829 01:30:02,980 --> 01:30:05,190 Jesus! Why did you bring him here? 1830 01:30:05,274 --> 01:30:07,359 I've been following him around since yesterday. 1831 01:30:07,443 --> 01:30:10,904 This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast. 1832 01:30:10,988 --> 01:30:12,030 Hey, Ted! 1833 01:30:13,866 --> 01:30:14,908 Is that you? 1834 01:30:14,992 --> 01:30:16,952 Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. 1835 01:30:17,036 --> 01:30:19,996 He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a stroller 1836 01:30:20,081 --> 01:30:22,582 so we're gonna take him back and sober him up. 1837 01:30:22,667 --> 01:30:24,418 Ah, rock on, Ted. 1838 01:30:24,502 --> 01:30:25,627 Eff yeah. 1839 01:30:25,711 --> 01:30:29,506 Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch. 1840 01:30:30,049 --> 01:30:31,842 Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man. 1841 01:30:38,516 --> 01:30:39,766 Hey, Johnny. 1842 01:30:39,851 --> 01:30:40,892 Guy? 1843 01:30:41,185 --> 01:30:43,478 Man, it's a goddamn party here today. 1844 01:30:43,813 --> 01:30:45,647 Hey, I remember you from the wedding. 1845 01:30:45,815 --> 01:30:47,691 You get a nose job? No. 1846 01:30:48,025 --> 01:30:49,693 Yes, you did, you fucking liar. 1847 01:30:49,777 --> 01:30:51,319 Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted. 1848 01:30:51,404 --> 01:30:52,446 Ted? Where is he? 1849 01:30:52,530 --> 01:30:55,866 He got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up. 1850 01:30:56,033 --> 01:30:57,033 Did you see which way they went? 1851 01:30:57,160 --> 01:30:58,952 Yeah, yeah. Back hallway, past the photo booth. 1852 01:30:59,036 --> 01:31:00,162 Come on! 1853 01:31:00,997 --> 01:31:02,205 Thirsty, Urkel? 1854 01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:05,208 I fucking love this place. 1855 01:31:11,924 --> 01:31:12,924 (GRUNTS) 1856 01:31:14,218 --> 01:31:16,803 What the fuck? What the fuck's going on here? 1857 01:31:16,971 --> 01:31:18,054 Who the hell are you? 1858 01:31:18,264 --> 01:31:20,640 He really is extraordinary, isn't he? 1859 01:31:20,725 --> 01:31:23,143 You son of a bitch! This is kidnapping! 1860 01:31:23,311 --> 01:31:25,061 No, it's not. 1861 01:31:25,313 --> 01:31:29,733 Kidnapping only applies to people. And you, Ted, you're property. 1862 01:31:29,859 --> 01:31:31,735 Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece. 1863 01:31:35,531 --> 01:31:37,073 What do you say there, happy face? 1864 01:31:37,241 --> 01:31:40,327 Right there. Death to Ming. Yeah! Come on. All right. 1865 01:31:40,411 --> 01:31:41,912 Happy guy. 1866 01:31:42,079 --> 01:31:45,415 Right there. Death to Ming. Good, yeah. 1867 01:31:47,251 --> 01:31:48,502 Hey, Bennett! 1868 01:31:49,879 --> 01:31:50,879 Oh, shit! 1869 01:31:50,963 --> 01:31:52,422 You messed up my car. 1870 01:31:52,507 --> 01:31:54,049 What the hell is wrong with you? 1871 01:31:54,133 --> 01:31:56,718 Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted. 1872 01:31:56,802 --> 01:32:00,305 But it was a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though. 1873 01:32:00,389 --> 01:32:02,140 Hey, fuck your Chrysler! 1874 01:32:02,642 --> 01:32:03,767 (YELLS) 1875 01:32:07,813 --> 01:32:09,147 (RIPS) (GASPS) 1876 01:32:11,484 --> 01:32:12,692 Holy shit! 1877 01:32:12,777 --> 01:32:15,111 Look, Donny, Donny! You don't wanna do this! Okay? 1878 01:32:15,404 --> 01:32:17,113 Think about what happened at Fenway. 1879 01:32:17,198 --> 01:32:20,700 You remember? You cut me open, that's it! I'm gone, dead! 1880 01:32:21,285 --> 01:32:22,869 Just a regular old teddy bear. 1881 01:32:22,954 --> 01:32:24,996 I won't be any fun then, will I? 1882 01:32:25,289 --> 01:32:26,957 This isn't about you, Ted. 1883 01:32:27,500 --> 01:32:29,000 You're only one bear. 1884 01:32:29,335 --> 01:32:31,002 We're gonna figure out what makes you real, 1885 01:32:31,087 --> 01:32:32,671 and then we're gonna make millions of Teds. 1886 01:32:32,755 --> 01:32:34,714 One for every child in the world. 1887 01:32:35,258 --> 01:32:36,633 One for me. 1888 01:32:38,678 --> 01:32:41,555 One that loves me just as much as you love John. 1889 01:32:41,806 --> 01:32:44,391 Look, Donny, I can never love you. 1890 01:32:44,559 --> 01:32:47,310 God, that sounds fucked up. Listen, I don't wanna die. 1891 01:32:47,478 --> 01:32:48,520 Okay? So, uh... 1892 01:32:48,896 --> 01:32:50,647 What if I gave you a hand job outside 1893 01:32:50,731 --> 01:32:52,482 your pants while you ate an ice cream? 1894 01:32:55,653 --> 01:32:57,320 I'll give you a minute. 1895 01:32:58,573 --> 01:32:59,781 (SAM GRUNTING) 1896 01:33:03,661 --> 01:33:04,661 Come here! 1897 01:33:06,455 --> 01:33:07,664 (GRUNTING) 1898 01:33:10,960 --> 01:33:12,168 (SCREAMING) 1899 01:33:16,507 --> 01:33:17,507 (YELLS) 1900 01:33:21,637 --> 01:33:22,637 (GASPS) 1901 01:33:22,972 --> 01:33:24,222 (YELLING) 1902 01:33:26,100 --> 01:33:27,684 (SCREAMING) 1903 01:33:38,279 --> 01:33:39,904 Hey, check it out. Nerd fight. 1904 01:33:40,239 --> 01:33:41,239 Ah! 1905 01:33:45,369 --> 01:33:46,369 (WHOOPING) 1906 01:33:47,872 --> 01:33:48,872 (SCREECHING) 1907 01:33:53,169 --> 01:33:54,210 Come here. 1908 01:34:00,384 --> 01:34:01,509 Come on. 1909 01:34:08,184 --> 01:34:10,018 I'll see you in heaven, Ted. 1910 01:34:17,485 --> 01:34:19,152 Ted! Johnny! 1911 01:34:19,320 --> 01:34:20,362 Who the hell are you? 1912 01:34:20,905 --> 01:34:22,781 Get away from him, you bastard! 1913 01:34:22,865 --> 01:34:24,949 Ted, you okay, buddy? Johnny, thank God! 1914 01:34:25,034 --> 01:34:26,034 I'm out. 1915 01:34:26,118 --> 01:34:28,453 Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go. Come on, we can still do this. 1916 01:34:28,537 --> 01:34:31,164 You're on your own, Danny. I can't be implicated in any of this. 1917 01:34:31,248 --> 01:34:32,415 Wait, wait, wait. Who are you? 1918 01:34:32,750 --> 01:34:34,250 I work for Mattel. 1919 01:34:36,253 --> 01:34:37,587 You piece of shit. 1920 01:34:37,755 --> 01:34:39,923 Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? 1921 01:34:40,549 --> 01:34:41,716 What do you wanna do now? 1922 01:34:41,801 --> 01:34:45,345 You don't deserve him, John. You never did. You never did! 1923 01:34:45,638 --> 01:34:47,639 I've been wanting to do this for a long time. 1924 01:34:50,101 --> 01:34:51,142 TED: A-ha! I fucking knew it! 1925 01:34:52,311 --> 01:34:53,561 Come on. 1926 01:35:05,241 --> 01:35:08,326 Listen, Johnny, I wanna tell you how sorry I am. 1927 01:35:08,494 --> 01:35:09,703 No, forget it, buddy. 1928 01:35:09,787 --> 01:35:12,580 Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't have brushed it off. I'm so sorry. 1929 01:35:12,665 --> 01:35:13,748 No, listen to me. 1930 01:35:13,833 --> 01:35:16,084 Just listen to me. You, too, Sam. 1931 01:35:16,168 --> 01:35:18,128 I acted like an asshole. 1932 01:35:18,212 --> 01:35:21,798 All right? I was just hurting because I knew I'd lost. 1933 01:35:22,591 --> 01:35:26,720 And that, in the eyes of the world, I'll always be property. 1934 01:35:27,471 --> 01:35:29,889 But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right? 1935 01:35:29,974 --> 01:35:33,268 It doesn't matter what the world calls me. I know who I am. 1936 01:35:33,644 --> 01:35:35,145 And that's all that's important. 1937 01:35:35,855 --> 01:35:37,605 And I know who my friends are. 1938 01:35:38,023 --> 01:35:39,315 And honest to God, 1939 01:35:39,400 --> 01:35:42,902 if you two want to be together, nothing would make me happier. 1940 01:35:43,279 --> 01:35:44,738 Aw, buddy, I love you for that. 1941 01:35:44,822 --> 01:35:46,698 Thanks, Ted. That means a lot. 1942 01:35:48,868 --> 01:35:52,162 And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned, 1943 01:35:52,788 --> 01:35:53,997 you're a person. 1944 01:35:54,457 --> 01:35:56,750 As much as anybody I've ever known. 1945 01:35:56,834 --> 01:36:01,671 Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State. 1946 01:36:18,022 --> 01:36:19,189 Ted! 1947 01:36:28,199 --> 01:36:29,491 Holy shit! Johnny! 1948 01:36:29,617 --> 01:36:31,451 Oh, my God. John! Johnny! 1949 01:36:31,535 --> 01:36:32,744 John! Oh, Jesus! 1950 01:36:32,828 --> 01:36:34,287 Are you okay? Johnny, you all right? 1951 01:36:34,371 --> 01:36:35,371 Shit. 1952 01:36:35,456 --> 01:36:36,790 John, hey. Oh, my God. 1953 01:36:36,874 --> 01:36:38,124 Jesus, what happened here? 1954 01:36:38,209 --> 01:36:39,542 The rocket ship just hit him! 1955 01:36:39,710 --> 01:36:41,961 Jesus Christ, that's the starship Enterprise... Forget it. 1956 01:36:42,046 --> 01:36:43,463 Somebody call 911! 1957 01:36:43,547 --> 01:36:45,423 Johnny? John, come on, stay with me, pal. 1958 01:36:45,549 --> 01:36:47,801 We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th. 1959 01:36:47,885 --> 01:36:49,135 How the hell did it fall? 1960 01:36:49,220 --> 01:36:50,220 I don't know! 1961 01:36:53,265 --> 01:36:54,307 TED: It was him! 1962 01:36:54,391 --> 01:36:55,767 The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle! 1963 01:37:01,190 --> 01:37:02,232 Which one? 1964 01:37:02,399 --> 01:37:06,027 All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit, you son of a bitch! 1965 01:37:06,111 --> 01:37:07,362 Sam, give me your phone. 1966 01:37:18,207 --> 01:37:20,124 (80s POP SONG PLAYING) 1967 01:37:27,591 --> 01:37:28,591 That's him. 1968 01:37:32,555 --> 01:37:35,473 Get off me! 1969 01:37:37,893 --> 01:37:39,102 Johnny? 1970 01:37:39,562 --> 01:37:40,728 Johnny, come on. 1971 01:37:41,397 --> 01:37:43,022 Johnny, you got to wake up, pal. 1972 01:37:43,607 --> 01:37:44,649 Johnny, wake up! 1973 01:37:45,401 --> 01:37:46,818 Wake up, Johnny. 1974 01:37:47,736 --> 01:37:49,153 Johnny. 1975 01:37:49,238 --> 01:37:50,613 Johnny, wake up! 1976 01:37:51,991 --> 01:37:53,825 Johnny, wake up. 1977 01:38:39,330 --> 01:38:42,165 Hi. How is he? Is he gonna come out of it? 1978 01:38:42,499 --> 01:38:45,376 I don't know, Ms. Jackson. We've done everything we can 1979 01:38:45,586 --> 01:38:47,587 and it's all up to him now. 1980 01:38:57,681 --> 01:38:58,848 John, 1981 01:38:59,683 --> 01:39:01,351 please wake up. 1982 01:39:06,231 --> 01:39:08,942 (HEART MONITOR FLAT LINING) 1983 01:39:09,985 --> 01:39:10,985 Somebody help! 1984 01:39:11,070 --> 01:39:12,612 Oh, my God, John! John? Johnny? 1985 01:39:12,780 --> 01:39:14,697 Hello? There's something happening. 1986 01:39:14,907 --> 01:39:15,949 Mr. Bennett? 1987 01:39:16,408 --> 01:39:18,326 Something's wrong. What's going on? What's happening to him? 1988 01:39:18,410 --> 01:39:19,869 Mr. Bennett? John? 1989 01:39:20,704 --> 01:39:23,039 We have a Code Blue in Room 134! What does that mean? 1990 01:39:23,123 --> 01:39:24,457 I'm sorry. You three are gonna have to wait outside. 1991 01:39:24,541 --> 01:39:25,792 What the hell is going on? Is he gonna be okay? 1992 01:39:25,876 --> 01:39:26,918 The doctors will do everything they can, 1993 01:39:27,002 --> 01:39:29,087 but I need you to go to the waiting area now, please. 1994 01:39:29,171 --> 01:39:30,338 Excuse me, excuse me. 1995 01:39:30,422 --> 01:39:31,464 What's the status? 1996 01:39:31,548 --> 01:39:33,132 He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive. 1997 01:39:33,217 --> 01:39:35,385 The monitor says he's in asystole. He's not breathing, no pulse. 1998 01:39:35,469 --> 01:39:37,053 Start compressions. Prepare to intubate. 1999 01:39:37,179 --> 01:39:38,304 Give him a milligram of epinephrine. 2000 01:40:08,627 --> 01:40:10,253 I'm sorry. 2001 01:40:11,714 --> 01:40:12,880 He didn't make it. 2002 01:40:16,552 --> 01:40:17,635 What? 2003 01:40:19,096 --> 01:40:20,304 Johnny. 2004 01:40:21,056 --> 01:40:23,224 If you'd like, you can go in 2005 01:40:23,308 --> 01:40:24,976 and say your goodbyes. 2006 01:41:04,808 --> 01:41:06,100 Johnny. 2007 01:41:08,312 --> 01:41:10,229 You were my thunder buddy. 2008 01:41:12,649 --> 01:41:15,068 You were my thunder buddy for life. 2009 01:41:17,404 --> 01:41:21,157 And you gave up your own life to save mine. 2010 01:41:24,453 --> 01:41:26,204 The only problem is 2011 01:41:28,499 --> 01:41:31,751 I don't know how my life works without you. 2012 01:41:36,048 --> 01:41:37,507 Goodbye, John. 2013 01:41:40,719 --> 01:41:42,637 I got you, motherfucker! (ALL SCREAMING) 2014 01:41:43,889 --> 01:41:46,432 Holy shit! Zombie! He's a fucking zombie! 2015 01:41:47,184 --> 01:41:48,851 I totally fucking got you! 2016 01:41:49,686 --> 01:41:50,812 Holy shit! 2017 01:41:50,896 --> 01:41:52,730 You should have seen your fucking face! 2018 01:41:52,981 --> 01:41:54,232 You son of a bitch! 2019 01:41:54,316 --> 01:41:55,817 That was fucking classic! 2020 01:41:55,901 --> 01:41:58,820 Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you think that I was retarded! 2021 01:41:58,904 --> 01:42:00,279 You made me think you were retarded! 2022 01:42:00,364 --> 01:42:01,405 Oh! Well done! 2023 01:42:01,532 --> 01:42:03,282 Well done, man. High five. (LAUGHING) 2024 01:42:03,367 --> 01:42:04,408 High five. 2025 01:42:04,535 --> 01:42:06,536 What the fuck is going on? 2026 01:42:06,620 --> 01:42:10,790 What's going on, is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon. 2027 01:42:10,874 --> 01:42:13,417 You are the fucking greatest, man. Holy shit! 2028 01:42:13,877 --> 01:42:15,628 Wait. How was the doctor in on it? 2029 01:42:15,712 --> 01:42:17,797 They got me out of it with the paddles. I was totally fine. 2030 01:42:17,881 --> 01:42:19,257 So I talked him into going along with the bit. 2031 01:42:19,341 --> 01:42:21,300 Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious. Thanks. 2032 01:42:21,552 --> 01:42:23,553 No problem. We're a fun hospital. 2033 01:42:23,846 --> 01:42:27,014 You asshole! You think this shit is funny? 2034 01:42:27,266 --> 01:42:28,766 Do you know how devastated I was? 2035 01:42:28,851 --> 01:42:30,518 I put a frowny face on Facebook! 2036 01:42:30,602 --> 01:42:33,020 How am I supposed to explain that to everybody? 2037 01:42:33,313 --> 01:42:35,356 You could change your relationship status from "single" 2038 01:42:35,440 --> 01:42:37,608 to "it's complicated. " 2039 01:42:38,068 --> 01:42:40,153 You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. (SNIFFLING) 2040 01:42:41,113 --> 01:42:44,824 How about, "in a relationship with John Bennett"? 2041 01:42:45,617 --> 01:42:49,245 Well, we'll have to talk about that. 2042 01:42:54,126 --> 01:42:55,751 Okay, well, good talk. 2043 01:43:01,258 --> 01:43:02,592 Hey, if you guys want to bang, 2044 01:43:02,676 --> 01:43:04,051 me and Teddy can totally leave the room. 2045 01:43:04,136 --> 01:43:06,387 No, no, honey, honey, they're classy, they're not like us. 2046 01:43:06,471 --> 01:43:08,139 They're good people. 2047 01:43:08,348 --> 01:43:11,392 I'm happy to see everyone has made a full recovery. 2048 01:43:11,518 --> 01:43:12,602 Mr. Meighan. What the hell? 2049 01:43:12,686 --> 01:43:13,811 Holy shit! 2050 01:43:13,896 --> 01:43:15,188 Is it all right if I come in? 2051 01:43:15,731 --> 01:43:17,148 Sure, yeah. 2052 01:43:18,108 --> 01:43:19,483 How are you feeling, John? 2053 01:43:19,902 --> 01:43:21,235 I'm alive. 2054 01:43:21,778 --> 01:43:23,237 You're very lucky. 2055 01:43:23,405 --> 01:43:25,323 I saw what you did on TV. 2056 01:43:25,490 --> 01:43:27,617 Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did. 2057 01:43:27,784 --> 01:43:30,578 You know why? Because he's a person. 2058 01:43:30,954 --> 01:43:32,038 And no matter how many 2059 01:43:32,122 --> 01:43:33,623 of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down, 2060 01:43:33,707 --> 01:43:34,916 you're not gonna change that. 2061 01:43:35,000 --> 01:43:36,417 Not in our eyes. 2062 01:43:36,627 --> 01:43:37,752 Ted is real. 2063 01:43:38,086 --> 01:43:39,629 So you can go fuck yourself. 2064 01:43:40,547 --> 01:43:41,839 I will. 2065 01:43:42,466 --> 01:43:45,009 And as soon as I'm done fucking myself, 2066 01:43:45,385 --> 01:43:47,386 I'd like to take your case, Ted. 2067 01:43:47,638 --> 01:43:48,679 What? Seriously? 2068 01:43:48,764 --> 01:43:50,389 TED: Oh, my God! You heard that? 2069 01:43:50,474 --> 01:43:52,350 Oh, my gosh! TED: I don't believe it! (CLEARS THROAT) 2070 01:43:53,644 --> 01:43:55,269 Maybe we don't want you now. Shut up. 2071 01:43:55,354 --> 01:43:57,313 No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you. 2072 01:43:57,397 --> 01:43:59,273 What made you change your mind? 2073 01:43:59,441 --> 01:44:01,567 Well, when I saw what John did for you, 2074 01:44:02,402 --> 01:44:05,154 that he was willing to give his life for yours, 2075 01:44:05,572 --> 01:44:07,573 it gave me a kick in the ass. 2076 01:44:07,658 --> 01:44:10,868 Reminded me of why I chose to do the kind of work I do. 2077 01:44:12,079 --> 01:44:14,288 I'm sorry I turned you away. 2078 01:44:14,373 --> 01:44:15,748 I was wrong. 2079 01:44:16,500 --> 01:44:18,042 As far as I'm concerned, 2080 01:44:18,293 --> 01:44:22,463 anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person 2081 01:44:22,547 --> 01:44:24,423 deserves to be called human. 2082 01:44:25,592 --> 01:44:26,676 You mean it? 2083 01:44:26,760 --> 01:44:28,344 I certainly do. 2084 01:44:29,221 --> 01:44:30,221 So, 2085 01:44:30,514 --> 01:44:32,139 shall we get started? 2086 01:44:42,442 --> 01:44:44,110 What defines a person? 2087 01:44:46,530 --> 01:44:48,239 What defines property? 2088 01:44:49,408 --> 01:44:51,033 What's the difference? 2089 01:44:52,744 --> 01:44:57,039 The anthropologist and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes 2090 01:44:57,416 --> 01:45:02,545 argues that the standards for personhood include self-awareness, 2091 01:45:03,213 --> 01:45:06,382 an ability to understand complex emotions 2092 01:45:06,717 --> 01:45:09,260 and a capacity for empathy. 2093 01:45:11,096 --> 01:45:16,058 We're all in agreement that Ted is self-aware. 2094 01:45:18,478 --> 01:45:19,645 What is your name? 2095 01:45:20,230 --> 01:45:21,772 Ted Clubber Lang. 2096 01:45:26,486 --> 01:45:29,947 As for complex emotions and the capacity for empathy, 2097 01:45:30,699 --> 01:45:32,950 we all saw the distressing images 2098 01:45:33,035 --> 01:45:35,494 of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend, 2099 01:45:35,996 --> 01:45:37,038 John Bennett. 2100 01:45:37,539 --> 01:45:39,206 In those images, 2101 01:45:39,333 --> 01:45:44,378 Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood. 2102 01:45:46,506 --> 01:45:48,883 It's right there for anyone to see. 2103 01:45:50,093 --> 01:45:54,472 And I believe that a just court must, by definition, 2104 01:45:55,307 --> 01:45:59,143 grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them, 2105 01:46:00,437 --> 01:46:03,147 just as the Emancipation Proclamation 2106 01:46:03,398 --> 01:46:06,942 and the Thirteenth Amendment did so many years ago. 2107 01:46:09,529 --> 01:46:12,156 So, ladies and gentlemen of the court, 2108 01:46:14,326 --> 01:46:16,243 I invite you 2109 01:46:17,621 --> 01:46:19,830 to change the world. 2110 01:46:22,084 --> 01:46:23,667 (ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 2111 01:46:39,434 --> 01:46:42,561 Well, Johnny, this is the second time you've made me real. 2112 01:46:43,313 --> 01:46:44,438 Thanks, pal. 2113 01:46:44,523 --> 01:46:46,399 Hey, you were always real to me, buddy. 2114 01:46:46,566 --> 01:46:47,733 Even when you weren't. 2115 01:46:47,901 --> 01:46:49,151 Congratulations, Ted. 2116 01:46:49,528 --> 01:46:50,820 Thanks, Sam. 2117 01:46:52,781 --> 01:46:53,823 FEMALE REPORTER: Ted! 2118 01:46:54,157 --> 01:46:56,033 MAN 1: Ted! MAN 2: Ted! Over here! 2119 01:46:56,118 --> 01:46:57,326 Ted! 2120 01:46:58,703 --> 01:47:00,496 This is quite a victory for you. 2121 01:47:00,580 --> 01:47:02,665 Is there any statement that you'd like to make 2122 01:47:02,749 --> 01:47:04,166 now that you're legally a person? 2123 01:47:04,709 --> 01:47:06,127 Yes, there is. 2124 01:47:08,547 --> 01:47:10,047 Tami-Lynn McCafferty, 2125 01:47:10,424 --> 01:47:12,091 will you marry me? 2126 01:47:13,677 --> 01:47:14,844 Yes. 2127 01:47:15,053 --> 01:47:16,345 (ALL CHEERING) 2128 01:47:20,559 --> 01:47:23,352 MALE NARRATOR: And so our story comes to an end. 2129 01:47:23,687 --> 01:47:26,647 Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, 2130 01:47:26,731 --> 01:47:31,444 and soon afterward, they adopted a fine, young baby boy. 2131 01:47:31,695 --> 01:47:33,863 Johnny, meet your new godson, 2132 01:47:34,030 --> 01:47:35,781 Apollo Creed Clubber Lang. 2133 01:47:35,866 --> 01:47:37,950 JOHN: Oh, Teddy, he's adorable. 2134 01:47:38,118 --> 01:47:40,786 Oh! And we got something for him, too. John, show him. 2135 01:47:40,871 --> 01:47:42,288 Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on. 2136 01:47:42,372 --> 01:47:43,831 TAMI-LYNN: He got you something. 2137 01:47:45,417 --> 01:47:46,459 Huh? 2138 01:47:46,543 --> 01:47:47,960 Oh, Johnny! 2139 01:47:48,128 --> 01:47:50,004 TAMI-LYNN: Oh, Johnny, it's perfect. 2140 01:47:50,172 --> 01:47:53,007 Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, 2141 01:47:53,175 --> 01:47:54,508 maybe he'll come to life 2142 01:47:54,676 --> 01:47:56,802 and you guys can do all kinds of drugs together. 2143 01:47:57,095 --> 01:47:58,804 That's all I want for him. 2144 01:47:58,889 --> 01:48:02,808 Oh! It smells like somebody's got a poopy diaper. 2145 01:48:02,976 --> 01:48:04,185 Teddy, it's your turn to change him. 2146 01:48:04,478 --> 01:48:05,811 Oh, yeah, no problem. 2147 01:48:06,605 --> 01:48:09,064 TED: Oh! Fuck me! TAMI-LYNN: What's the matter? 2148 01:48:09,149 --> 01:48:10,941 TED: That can't be normal. He's got to be sick. 2149 01:48:11,026 --> 01:48:12,943 TAMI-LYNN: He's not sick, it's just baby doody. 2150 01:48:13,028 --> 01:48:14,278 JOHN: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy. 2151 01:48:14,404 --> 01:48:16,280 TED: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross? JOHN: No. 2152 01:48:16,406 --> 01:48:17,823 TED: All right. Here, catch. (DIAPER SQUISHING) 2153 01:48:17,908 --> 01:48:20,326 JOHN: Oh, Teddy, what the fuck? (SCREAMING) 2154 01:48:20,452 --> 01:48:23,412 (TED LAUGHING) Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker! 2155 01:48:23,580 --> 01:48:26,332 (CAMERA CLICKING) TED: Hashtag "Shit happens. " 2156 01:48:26,750 --> 01:48:28,209 (BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)