Terry Jr.: WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
YOU PROMISED YOURSELF
YOU'D NEVER LET BASEBALL INTO YOUR LIFE AGAIN.
COME ON, DAD! HIT IT OUT AND SEND THESE FREAKS HOME!
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU SO DEEP
YOU'RE GONNA BE MAKING ME BREAKFAST, BABY.
[ LAUGHS ]
-- Captions by VITAC --
***
[ LAUGHTER ]
Boy: YEAH! COME ON!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
SO, BASEBALL, HUH?
HOLD ON.
IS IT HIM? HMM?
DID MY FATHER, SIR DRINKS-A-LOT, GET IN YOUR EAR
AND TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO PLAY BASEBALL?
BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PLAY,
UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO.
MOM, THE CANNON DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REASON?
HER.
OHH.
SHE GO TO YOUR NEW SCHOOL?
YEP. VANESSA.
AND SHE DIGS BALLPLAYERS.
YOU'RE DOING ALL THIS FOR A GIRL?
[ LAUGHS ]
AND, LOOK, I KNOW YOU HAVE PROBLEMS
WITH THE CANNON AND BASEBALL, BUT THINGS WILL BE OKAY.
THINGS ARE GONNA BE GREAT. I GOT A COUPLE OF JOB INTERVIEWS LINED UP.
WE'LL BE OUT OF HIS HOUSE IN NO TIME.
GOOD, 'CAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE A HOT VAN FULL OF MONKEY ASS.
[ LAUGHS ] Man over P.A.: PLAYERS TRYING OUT,
PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIELD.
PLAYERS TRYING OUT... OKAY, BUDDY, THAT'S YOU.
...PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIELD.
NOW, YOU JUST GO OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN, OKAY?
JUST HAVE FUN.
Terry Sr.: COME HERE, KID.
NOW -- NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
WHEN YOU GET YOUR SHOT TO PITCH,
YOU FIRE IT AS HARD AS YOU CAN
AND HIT THAT FIRST KID SQUARE RIGHT IN THE FACE.
YOU'LL SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ALL OF THEM.
NO! [ Laughing ] NO.
NO, LET'S NOT HIT ANY KIDS IN THE FACE, OKAY?
GO HAVE FUN, BUD. GO.
YO.
DON'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU HIT THAT KID IN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD
AND THEY HAD TO PUT ONE OF THEM GIANT FRANKENSTEIN SHOES ON HIM
SO HE COULD GET HIS BALANCE BACK?
I WAS 9.
I THREW THAT PITCH
BECAUSE YOU PROMISED ME ICE CREAM AND A PONY.
WELL, HOW BIG A SUCKER COULD YOU BE? HOW BIG?
WHERE THE HELL WAS I GONNA GET A PONY?
I DO REMEMBER THAT YOU THREW SIX PERFECT GAMES THAT YEAR,
AND WE WENT TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP. MM-HMM.
YEP, AND I REMEMBER YOU
PEEING ON HOME PLATE IN PROTEST AFTER WE LOST.
THE GUY WAS OUT BY 10 FEET!
AND THAT'S THE WAY I PROTEST.
EXACTLY. SANE PEOPLE ARGUE THAT CALL.
THEY DON'T PULL OUT THEIR JUNK IN FRONT OF LITTLE KIDS.
HE WAS OUT!
[ GROANS ]
I MEAN, WHAT DON'T YOU GET?!
HI. HELLO.
NOT YOU.
[ SIGHS ] OH, COME ON, BUDDY.
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN DO THIS.
OH, GOD.
THE KID STINKS. YOU STINK!
OKAY, HONEY, THROW IT OVERHAND, THROW IT OVERHAND.
[ GROANS ]
HE'S GONNA BE FINE. [ CHUCKLES ]
HERE.
GO AHEAD. IT'S JUST TEQUILA.
OHH.
USUALLY I'M A SCOTCH GIRL.
OH, SCOTCH? I'VE GOT SCOTCH.
ROCKS? UH, NO, THANK YOU.
OKAY.
HELLO, THERE. HI.
I'M LULU. HI. I'M TERRY.
MY BOY AND I JUST MOVED HERE FROM MICHIGAN.
OH, I LOVE CANADA. [ LAUGHS ]
IT'S NOT IN -- I LOVE IT.
YEAH, OKAY.
SO, WHICH ONE'S YOURS?
OH, UM, HIM OVER THERE. THAT'S MICHAEL.
IS HE...DANCING?
YES. HE'S SO GAY.
* BALL
JUST LIKE HIS FATHER. YOUR HUSBAND'S GAY?
DEAD. DIED...BEHIND ME.
YEAH, PRODUCED MOVIES, LEFT ME MILLIONS --
SILVER LINING! [ LAUGHS ]
SO, ANYWAY, TELL ME ABOUT YOU.
OH, UH, WELL, LET'S SEE. UM, MESSY DIVORCE.
OH. LOST EVERYTHING.
UH, LIVING WITH MY FATHER, WHO CRIPPLED ME EMOTIONALLY.
SILVER LINING! [ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE FUNNY.
OKAY, LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL. OKAY.
SO, THEY ARE THE SMARMY ARMY.
THE ONE IN BLUE IS DICK SLINGBAUGH.
LEAGUE PRESIDENT. RECENTLY DIVORCED.
AND RUMOR HAS IT HE'S CARRYING QUITE THE BAT DOWN THERE. MM.
"OLD HICKORY" I CA-- THEY CALL IT.
LIKE THE BAT. [ LAUGHS ] YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
OH, DARLING, LOOK. YOUR BOY, HE'S UP.
OH, GOD. COME ON, CATCH IT.
[ SIGHS ] WOW. THAT KID SCREAMS "SINGLE MOM."
I WISH I WAS 12 SO I COULD PUNCH THAT KID.
[ LAUGHTER ] COME ON, GUYS,
WE'RE HERE TO BUILD THESE KIDS UP, NOT TEAR THEM DOWN.
SHUT UP, STAN. DON'T MAKE ME USE MY BELT.
WHAT KIND OF A PARENT LETS THEIR KID COME OUT HERE
AND EMBARRASS HIMSELF LIKE THAT?
THE ONLY THING THAT KID'S GONNA CATCH IS A BEATING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AAH!
OW! AAH! MAN, WHO THREW THAT?!
WAS THAT YOU, FRECKLES?
YOU HAVE ISSUES. HMM.
WE'RE GONNA BE GREAT FRIENDS. MM-HMM.
[ BURPS ]
HEY, UM, EMPTY.
HMM? OH.
WHAT AM I DOING?
I AM NOT YOUR 10-YEAR-OLD WAITRESS ANYMORE.
GET IT YOURSELF.
WOULD YOU, UH --
WOULD YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?
NO. LAST TIME I CLOSED MY EYES, YOU FARTED ON ME.
I AM SITTING DOWN.
COME ON, HONEY, JUST FOR A SECOND. NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I'M NOT CLOSING -- PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES FOR A SECOND, PLEASE.
OKAY, NOW, WHAT DO YOU SEE? NOTHING.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU PAY HERE.
SO IF YOU AND THE KID WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING HERE,
YOU'LL START BEING A LITTLE NICER TO ME.
[ THUMPING IN DISTANCE ] WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
A RACCOON GOT CAUGHT IN THE WALL A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.
PROBABLY NOT DEAD YET. OKAY.
WHERE'S DANNY? WHO?
[ THUMPING CONTINUES ]
HEY, BUDDY.
WHATCHA DOIN'? WELL, THE CANNON SAID THAT
I HAVE TO THROW A THOUSAND OF THESE OR WE CAN'T LIVE HERE.
[ DOOR CLOSES ] A THOUSAND THROWS?
LOOK, I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO HELP,
BUT PLEASE DON'T.
FIRST OF ALL, GET THAT TOILET THING OUT OF MY FACE.
SECOND OF ALL, DID YOU SEE THAT KID THROW?
HE'S GOT AN ARM LIKE A DUCK.
DUCKS DON'T HAVE ARMS.
PRECISELY MY POINT.
LOOK, I CAN TEACH THAT KID SOME THINGS.
OH, NO. NO TEACHING.
NO SCREWING HIM UP LIKE YOU DID ME.
I SCREWED YOU UP? YEAH.
HOW ABOUT WHEN I GOT MY FIRST PERIOD, HUH?
YOU TOLD ME TO "WALK IT OFF."
THERE WAS NO INTERNET THEN.
OR WHEN I LEFT FOR COLLEGE?
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID TO ME THEN?
"TAKE THE DOG OR HE'LL DIE."
AFTER THAT.
YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD SEE EVERY GAME I EVER PLAYED IN.
I WOULD LOOK UP IN THE STANDS. I NEVER SAW YOU ONCE.
DANNY IS NEVER GOING TO FEEL THAT, OKAY?
THE -- THE GANNON CURSE OF BEING A MINOR LEAGUER IN LIFE
WILL STOP WITH HIM -- I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT.
THAT IS FINE.
TELL YOU WHAT, GO, UH --
GO GET DONNY AND I'LL APOLOGIZE TO HIM.
IT'S DANNY. WHATEVER. GO GET THE GUY.
GO GET HIM AND, UM, I WILL APOLOGIZE.
STILL A SUCKER.
HEY! HEY!
YOU GET BACK HERE!
20 BUCKS IF YOU CAN NAIL HIM.
I TOLD YOU HE SUCKS.
[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ]
***
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
HEY.
Y-YOU DROPPED THIS. THANKS.
I'M DANNY GANNON.
YOU WERE AT THE BASEBALL FIELD THE OTHER DAY. YEAH.
I'M GONNA BE PLAYING THIS YEAR. COOL.
YOU HAVE RIDICULOUSLY BROWN EYES.
[ LAUGHS ]
SHE'S MINE. YOU DON'T EVER TALK TO HER. YOU GOT IT?
DAVID, HE'S NEW. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT BULLYING AT OUR AGE
IS LINKED TO COMPENSATING FOR A SMALL PENIS? [ LAUGHS ]
LISTEN, FREAK,
I SEE YOU AROUND HER AGAIN, AND I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE'S NOT A THING YOU CAN DO --
Boy: EW!
[ GRUNTS ]
YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER A-AND ME.
UGH! WEIRDO.
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
THAT KID'S SCARED OF ME NOW.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY, BUT...HE IS.
YOU'RE WEIRD. I LIKE THAT.
SEE YA.
BYE.
RACCOON! LUNCH!
[ GRUNTS ]
HEY.
OH, OH.
COME HERE A SECOND.
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?
I KISSED A BOY.
HERE WE GO.
YOU'RE NOT A PICCOLO PLAYER, ARE YOU?
CANNON, I'M NOT GAY.
A KID WAS PICKING ON ME, SO I THOUGHT KISSING HIM
WOULD FREAK HIM OUT AND THROW HIM OFF HIS GAME.
[ CHUCKLES ] I GET IT.
Both: YOU DO? ABSOLUTELY.
I ONCE BATTED AGAINST VIDA BLUE WITH MY JOHNSON OUT.
HE WALKED ME ON FOUR STRAIGHT PITCHES. [ LAUGHS ]
MY KID PUNCHED ME.
OKAY, YOU GET A PIPE OR A BRICK.
WHEN THE KID COMES AROUND THE CORNER...
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] ...YOU COME OUT AND YOU CRACK HIM.
NO! NO! [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
NO BRICKS. NO PIPES.
HELLO?
A BAG OF NICKELS. HUH?
LET ME SEE THAT.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. IT'S NOTHING.
GO GET THREE CANS OF BEER,
PUT ONE OF THEM COLD ONES RIGHT ON YOUR EYE, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT DO I DO WITH THE OTHER TWO?
HANDS.
Terry Jr.: NO BEER!
ICE.
WHAT'S WITH THE FACE?
PROBLEM WITH THE "SHE-GINA"?
WHAT? SOMETHING?
THAT WAS SOMEONE FROM THE LEAGUE.
YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE TEAM.
I'M REALLY SORRY, BUDDY.
Danny: WELL, THAT SUCKS.
NOW HOW AM I GONNA IMPRESS VANESSA?
MAYBE YOU STOP KISSING BOYS.
VANESSA'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO LEARN TO LOVE YOU
FOR YOUR BRILLIANT MIND AND YOUR BOYISH GOOD LOOKS.
WELL, I'M SCREWED.
GOD.
I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM. YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP.
WHAT?! YOU'RE RELIEVED.
NOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY REASON TO GO TO THAT FIELD
OR BE AROUND THAT MISERABLE GAME.
BUT THAT KID WANTS TO BE OUT THERE,
AND YOU SHOULD FIX IT FOR HIM, OKAY?
WELL, RIGHT NOW, I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW,
SO BASEBALL WILL HAVE TO WAIT.
NO PROBLEM. I WILL FIX IT.
I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THAT MEETING THEY GOT TONIGHT.
IT'S, UH, ONE OF THEM -- WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
A LEAGUE ORIENTATION MEETING,
WHICH I WILL ATTEND, AND I WILL SPEAK FOR DONNY.
NO. NO. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO DOWN THERE.
I WILL FIX THIS.
AND IT'S DANNY! [ DOOR OPENS ]
I REALLY WISH WE COULD HAVE TAKEN EVERY KID.
BUT WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE EQUIPMENT, THE UNIFORMS,
OR A COACH, SO...BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.
[ CHUCKLES ]
GO. GO NOW. GO NOW. NOW. UM, YEAH.
UM, EXCUSE ME. HI, HI.
WHO MAKES THE FINAL DECISION
ABOUT WHICH KIDS MAKE THE LEAGUE?
UH, RIGHT HERE. THIS GUY.
[ LAUGHS ] WELL, UH,
I ONLY ASK BECAUSE IN GOOGLING YOU,
I FOUND OUT THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN PLAY HIGH-SCHOOL BASEBALL.
Man: WELL...
YEAH, I, UH -- I PULLED MY GROIN MY JUNIOR YEAR,
AND THEN MY S-- WHAT AM I DOING? LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
LADY, I APOLOGIZE IF YOUR KID
WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE IT, OKAY, BUT THIS ISN'T SOCCER.
WE DON'T GIVE EVERY KID A TROPHY HERE.
AND BESIDES, WE DON'T HAVE THE EQUIPMENT OR A COACH.
SO THIS LITTLE WHATEVER THIS IS IS OVER.
UH, NO, I-I'LL PAY FOR ALL THE EQUIPMENT.
YEAH, I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING --
MATS, TIGHTS, RIBBONS ON STICKS,
EVERYTHING -- THE WHOLE SHEBANG.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR THAT, CRAZY SPICE,
BUT WE STILL DON'T HAVE A COACH.
SO IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
[ SIGHS ]
OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW WHAT?
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
I'LL COACH.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHS ] THAT'S A -- THAT'S A CUTE IDEA.
BUT THESE KIDS NEED A MAN
WHO UNDERSTANDS THEM AND THE GAME.
WELL, UNLIKE YOU, DICK,
I PLAYED IN HIGH SCHOOL,
AND THEN I WAS AN ALL-AMERICAN SOFTBALL PLAYER IN COLLEGE.
SO HOW ABOUT THIS?
YOU AND ME ON THE FIELD TOMORROW.
I THROW YOU ONE PITCH.
YOU HIT IT, YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME OR MY KID AGAIN.
BUT YOU MISS IT, I GET TO COACH MY KID
AND ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS WHO DIDN'T MAKE YOUR LEAGUE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN...
Lulu: OI! OI!
THERE'S A BET ON THE TABLE HERE.
SO I THINK THERE'S ONLY QUESTION LEFT,
AND THAT IS, ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO TAKE IT...
DICK?
OH, LADY, I'M MAN ENOUGH TO TAKE BOTH OF YOU ON.
WITH 15 MINUTES IN BETWEEN, MAYBE 20.
BUT, HEY --
MAYBE 25 --
YOU GOT YOURSELVES A BET.
IS THAT THE KID THAT HIT YOU?
Danny: YEAH. OKAY, LOOK.
HERE'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO --
YOU TAKE YOUR LIT CIGARETTE
AND YOU FLICK IT OVER HIS SHOULDER, SEE,
JUST LIKE THAT.
YOU TAKE THIS BAT,
AND YOU BASH HIS KNEES IN.
NO! I AM NOT HITTING A KID.
AND I DO NOT SMOKE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Man: * UNGAWA! Men: * WAH!
* UNGAWA! * WAH!
* YOUR MAMA! * WHOA!
[ BEATBOXING ]
***
COME ON, DAD! SHUT UP!
AAH!
OHH!
[ GASPS ] THAT'S MY BOY!
HE DIDN'T HIT IT! WE HAVE A TEAM! WE HAVE A TEAM!
OH!
Terry Jr.: DIDN'T HIT IT.
* UNGAWA! * WAH! I'M FINE!
* UNGAWA! * WAH! SEE YOU ON THE FIELD, DICK.
* YOUR MAMA! * WHOA! Lulu: WELL DONE, TERRY!
[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS ]
HEY, I'M SORRY TO BUG YOU AT HOME,
BUT I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE PRACTICE TOMORROW.
I WANTED TO GET YOU YOUR UNIFORMS.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE THE ANGELS.
GREAT. HOW'S THE EYE?
OH, IT DOESN'T HURT. I HAVEN'T EVEN ICED IT.
WELL, I'M SORRY I THREW AT YOU,
BUT YOU WERE ACTING LIKE A JACKASS.
NO, HEY. I GET IT.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE GIRLS IN THE SCHOOLYARD
WHEN THEY PUNCH YOU IN THE ARM 'CAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE HOT.
IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE YOUR LOOK.
A LOT OF GIRLS HAVE BEAUTY, BUT...
YOU'RE NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THAT.
YOU HAVE CHARACTER.
CHARACTER? HMM. YEAH.
IT'S LIKE YOUR CLOTHES. YOU DON'T --
YOU DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS. HMM.
AND YOUR HAIR...
IT'S LIKE YOU WERE ANGRY WHEN YOU CUT IT.
[ SIGHS ]
THIS YOUR HOUSE? MM-HMM.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD INVITE ME IN SOMETIME FOR...
SOME BUGS. [ SIGHS ]
YOU SEE MY CAR? I DID.
BET IT'S A REAL HOOKER MAGNET.
WELL, LOOK, I JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU GUYS GOOD LUCK.
AND, UH, THE SLING SAYS GOOD NIGHT.
[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS ]
[ DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
THE "ANGLES"?
WHAT A DOUCHE.
I AM THE ONE THEY CALL "DONG."
Both: WE COME FROM THE SAME EGG.
FIRE IS THE ONLY THING THAT LOVES ME.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
I SUCK.
* I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK, BABY
* I WAS BORN THIS WAY
ARE YOU A LESBIAN?
YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN.
I KILLED A WOLF.
OKAY, UH...
A COUPLE OF THINGS I WANT US TO FOCUS ON.
NUMBER ONE -- GOT TO WEAR YOUR SHOES ALL THE TIME.
EVEN IN THE BATHROOM?
TWO -- AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
I EVEN HAVE TO ADDRESS THIS --
UH, THE CUPS YOU WEAR ARE NOT FOR DRINKING.
Both: THEN THEY SHOULD CALL THEM SOMETHING ELSE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?
THESE JERSEYS SUCK.
WHAT THE HELL'S AN "ANGLE," ANYWAY?
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT THE ANGLES ARE.
THEY'RE MISFITS.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS FIT IN.
[ CAN OPENS ] JUST LIKE ALL OF US.
Terry Sr.: WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP.
HEY, IT'S SANTA.
[ LAUGHTER ] GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE YOU'RE FEEDING THESE KIDS?
"OH, JUST TRY YOUR BEST."
LOOK, TELL THEM THAT BASEBALL IS NOT JUST A GAME --
THAT IT'S, UH, LIFE LESSONS. [ SCOFFS ]
TEACH THEM WHAT I TAUGHT YOU.
I AM NOT DOING THIS HERE.
OKAY, SO, BASEBALL IS...
BASEBALL IS WHAT?
BASEBALL IS...
WHAT IS IT? COME ON.
IT'S OKAY, MOM. LET IT OUT.
I JUST LET IT OUT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT BASEBALL REALLY IS?
BASEBALL...
IS A LITTLE BLOND GIRL WHO LOSES HER MOTHER
AND THEN HAS TO GO TO MEXICO WITH HER FATHER
TO WATCH HIM COACH AND THEN DISAPPEAR
SO THAT SHE HAS TO LIVE WITH THE PARROT MASCOT,
NEVER KNOWING IF HE WAS COMING BACK FOR HER!
I TOLD YOU I WAS IN JAIL!
AND BASEBALL IS NEVER GOING TO THE PROM
BECAUSE THE BOY YOU LIKE MYSTERIOUSLY GETS HIT BY A CAR
ON THE WAY TO PICK YOU UP.
AND BASEBALL IS MARRYING A MAN
WHO CHEATS WITH A DENTAL HYGIENIST
AND BLAMES IT ON YOU BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T GET A BOOB JOB!
I LIKE YOUR BOOBS. THANK YOU, OWEN!
WELL, IF I DID SUCH A BAD, BAD JOB,
WHY DID YOU COME HOME?
AND IF BASEBALL DID ALL THAT HORRIBLE STUFF TO YOU,
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING COACHING?
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
I AM HOME
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.
AND I WANTED SOMETHING BETTER FOR DANNY.
I AM COACHING BECAUSE NOBODY WANTED THESE KIDS.
AND I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
PEOPLE...
PEOPLE ARE GONNA CALL YOU...
WEIRD AND CREEPY...
AND FOREIGN...
AND GA-- FEMININE AND --
HEY, DON'T FORGET "FAT."
THAT KID LAYING THERE, THAT KID IS FAT.
REALLY?
SO WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT... IF, JUST ONE TIME,
YOU COULD TAKE ALL OF THE INSULTS
AND ALL OF THE BULLYING
AND YOU COULD JUST SHOVE IT RIGHT UP THEIR BUTTS?
I DO. I WANT TO SHOVE IT UP THEIR BUTTS.
All: YEAH.
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS,
I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THAT
RIGHT HERE ON THIS FIELD.
NOW, ANGLES... ARE YOU WITH ME?
[ CHEERING ] TAKE THE FIELD!
OKAY, ANGLES, LET'S GET ONE.
AAH!
[ BAT CLINKS ]
OHH! OHH! OW!
BUDDY? HEY, BUDDY, IS YOUR WIENER OKAY?
BUDDY? YOU COULDN'T MANAGE A LIQUOR STORE.
[ KIDS GROANING ]
Danny: MOM?
BACK HERE, BUD.
UM, THE CANNON WANTS TO KNOW WHEN DINNER WOULD BE READY.
[ SCOFFS ] TELL HIM AS SOON AS I GET MY CHILDHOOD BACK.
OKAY.
[ Chuckling ] NO.
STAY OUT HERE AND HELP ME LOOK FOR MY COLLEGE MITT.
MOM, WHAT ARE ALL THESE?
OH, THESE ARE VIDEOS.
OF ALL OF MY COLLEGE GAMES.
UM...HEY, BUD.
WHY DON'T YOU GO INSIDE? I'LL BE RIGHT IN, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
***
THAT SON OF A BITCH.
[ SIGHS ]
I COULD USE SOME HELP WITH PRACTICE,
IF YOU'RE UP FOR IT.
YEAH, OKAY. UM...
I COULD BE MANAGER.
NO.
NO, YOU'LL HELP.
SO...
TUESDAYS AT 4:00.
GOOD NIGHT, DAD.
GOOD NIGHT, TERRY.
***
[ DOOR OPENS ]
Man: HEY! STOP!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU GEEK.
IF YOUR KID TOUCHES MY GRANDSON ONE MORE TIME,
I'M NOT COMING BACK FOR HIM.
I'M COMING BACK TO BEAT YOU LIKE A DRUM.
YOU GOT THAT?
I DON'T HAVE A KID!
IS THIS 4266 SOMERSET?
IT'S 4622!
NEVER MIND.