Okay, a few more announcements.
(all groaning)
We booked three rooms at the sober retreat,
so I took the liberty of assigning roommates.
Bonnie, you're with Christy.
BOTH: Ugh!
- Tammy's with me. - Ugh!
Yay, I'm with Jill! We can gab all night.
Ooh, and I brought cards.
(singsongy): Cards and gabbing!
I wonder how many people have relapsed
on one of these weekends.
Oh, trust me, you're gonna love it.
A weekend in nature to focus on your sobriety.
- It's transformational. - You don't have to keep selling us.
We're all in the car, and it's moving too fast to jump.
You could have mentioned it's all women.
I did my roots for nothing.
Not for nothing. You needed it.
Ooh! You know what I need? That right there.
A tricked-out Mercedes Sprinter Van
with the 5,000-pound payload
and a water cooler strapped to its back.
The only thing I understood
in that whole sentence was "Mercedes."
Ah, Marone, I see that van in my dreams.
My van dreams are more abduction-oriented.
I usually get away, but they're still upsetting.
A van like that says you're a serious contractor.
Don't suppose there are any
"get your hands on some quick cash" workshops this weekend?
No, they hold those out near the airport.
At least I held mine there.
Wait a minute. If I'm sharing a room,
does that mean I'm sharing a bathroom, too?
We're all sharing one. It's a communal bathroom.
(truck horn blares)
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
So, nobody else but me needs to use the ladies' room?
I'll go with you.
My knees have been in my chin for three hours.
(groaning)
Ooh. Ah.
Oh, we're gonna switch places after this, right?
Oh, yeah, sure. Next time we stop.
Yeah. It's not fair.
Oh. Okay, this is that precious moment
when the hostages are left alone. What's the plan?
Can I not be with Marjorie for one weekend of my life?
- Ditto my mom. - That's cool. I'm sick of you, too.
I say we put Wendy with Marjorie.
- Why? - They're both not here.
- Great. I'll take Tammy. - Yeah. Mm.
That leaves you and me, Bonnie,
and I know you didn't bring cards.
I barely brought underwear.
(chuckles)
I thought we were taking turns sitting back here.
Well, that was before you decided
to eat what appears to be an antique hot dog.
You're just jealous.
You're eating mayonnaise on a gas station wiener, honey.
Nobody's jealous.
Tammy, did you bring your sleep mask,
you know, for your night terrors?
Not your problem, 'cause you're bunking with Wendy now.
- Wait. What? - We made a couple
of small changes to the roommate situation.
And what are they?
They're all different, they're locked. Let it go.
Guys, they have goats. Did you see the goats?
I'll go check us in.
Ooh, free cookies. Want one?
Mm. No, thank you. Communal bathroom?
Nothing's going in or out all weekend.
You know, if I had that van, I could go outside right now
and build you your own bathroom.
If only I had enough for a down payment.
Where to get a down payment?
Wendy, you want to go see your goats again?
Hells to the yeah!
You know that's not a real fire.
Six people, five hours, one car.
Let me have this.
That's why I came alone.
Hi. Rebecca.
- Christy. - First time here?
I actually did think this was a real fire, so, yes.
It's my third year, so, I know all the tricks.
See, I say I have a roommate coming
who then backs out so I get a room to myself.
Smart.
My friend Sheila has broken her leg three years in a row.
Ooh. Maybe next year, my mom can break hers.
You're here with your mom?
Wow. I'm here because of my mom.
I'm both.
Ooh! Nice!
We have lived very different lives.
Oh. I'd tip the bellman, but...
(groans) apparently, that's me.
Oh, okay.
Goodbye, bedding that has touched other people.
Ooh! Welcome basket!
Is that what that is?
Looks like they started to make one and just gave up.
Water, sunscreen,
a pear in a little Styrofoam coat.
Hold on.
A journal.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Oh. We ditch the others and go home?
No, this is the weekend I start writing my book.
I've been waiting for the perfect setting and some paper.
Haven't you been starting that book since we met?
Hey, that's called author-shaming, and it's not cool.
I'll try to stay out of your hair,
but, I may be holed up here avoiding Tammy.
- Why? - Why? You heard her.
Van, van, down payment, van.
Well, this is a lot of hard work.
I should have packed my housekeeper.
I think you're being a little paranoid about Tammy.
If only.
When someone shares their dreams loudly three feet away from me,
it means they want me to pay for those dreams.
People have been hitting me up for loans since the fifth grade.
No one has ever paid me back.
In fifth grade, I was showing boys my bra strap
in exchange for their Doritos.
But your story's painful, too.
What's with all the female ranch hands?
Ranch hands are supposed to be dudes.
It's called a "dude ranch." Where are the dudes?!
Marjorie replaced the socks I packed with these.
"We might hike."
The only reason to ever hike is if a guy says,
- "You want to go hiking?" - (chuckles)
Why am I here?
Oh, you're just in a little slump.
You'll get out of it.
It's more than that. I'm invisible.
No one's ever gonna be attracted to me again.
At my funeral, people will say,
"Oh, why'd that old lawyer lady die alone?
She was kind of cute."
At least you're gonna be a lawyer.
Unlike me, who's just a van-less loser.
Guess my time's up.
You're not a van-less loser.
You just need a... a van.
Hey, what do you think Jill would say
if I asked her for a loan?
It's all about how you ask.
You have to make her feel like it's a win-win.
And it really helps to throw in the big sad eyes.
Wow. I'd give you anything.
(laughs) Okay.
(clears throat) How's this?
Good, good.
I definitely don't feel like you're gonna murder me at all.
(phone chimes)
Well, that's rude.
Okay, Tammy, don't blame me when you get blisters.
Oh. I am so tired of having to be scout leader.
"Oh, Marjorie, will you be my sponsor?"
Then does anybody listen to me? No!
(stomach gurgling)
Sorry.
No. Honey, I'm sorry.
Here I am venting, and look what it's doing to you.
- I'm giving you a little anxious tummy. - I don't think it's you.
I think it's the gas station hot dog.
Or maybe the gas station mayonnaise.
You don't have to protect me.
- I just dumped my toxicity on you. - It's not about you!
(retching)
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
Was the drain in your shower completely clogged?
Yeah, I basically took a bath from my ankles down.
The joys of communal bathrooms.
Ugh. I've seen worse.
- College dorm? - Jail.
Just a few nights here and there,
but you know, I dipped my toe.
How long have you been sober?
- Coming up on seven years. - Nice.
It's weird. Every time I say it, I feel like I'm lying,
like I must've drank at some point.
But nope, seven years.
I've got 12.
I should have 15, but I went out on NyQuil...
The nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing,
"so you can get high as a kite" medicine.
- That really should be on the bottle. - Right.
Hi, Christy!
(retching)
Yeesh.
That thing's caught more than dreams.
Oh, hey.
What's going on?
Wendy has food poisoning, Marjorie's here now.
The hot dog?
What do you think? It cost 59 cents.
That would've been cheap when I was a child.
Hey, look at that.
You did your own "Marjorie's old" joke.
Well, since Marjorie's moved herself in,
I'm gonna go bunk with Jill.
Don't forget the sunset meeting in the woods!
I'll wear the damn socks!
I did a lap around the building.
Even the cooks in the kitchen are all women.
How can you lay on that bedspread?
Have you never seen 20/20?
I survived a youth hostel in American Samoa.
I think I will prevail over bedding.
I wasn't always this prissy.
I passed out on so many public bathroom floors,
and never even gave it a second thought.
But when you get sober, you realize
the world really is so icky.
Damn it!
What?
Writing! It's hard!
I can talk. How come I can't write?
Well, what's your story about?
I try not to discuss my work when it's still in its infancy.
You don't have squat, do ya?
- Nope. - (knocking)
Wendy yacked up her wiener,
and Marjorie's bunking in our room,
so I am officially in play.
Here?
Yeah, yeah, I'll just... I'll crash on the floor.
No, no. You take my bed.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
Oh, it's fine. I'll bunk with Christy.
Oh. Okay, listen, before you go,
there was something I wanted to ask you.
Oh. No time. Packing up.
But just, could you look at me please?
Are you trying to hypnotize me?
Or move something with your mind?
Jill Kendall, are you familiar with that great feeling you get
- when you help a friend? - Uh-huh.
Well, you have a unique opportunity
to get that great feeling by loaning me money for a van.
It's a win-win in some way.
I promise I'll pay you back.
(sighs) I'm sorry, Tammy.
I love you, and I want you to succeed,
but I just don't believe in lending money to friends.
Got it.
Oh, you were trying to do Christy eyes.
Ugh.
CHRISTY: Oh...
Where the hell is this meeting?!
I told you, we follow the arrows
along the path until the clearing.
We haven't seen an arrow in quite a while,
and FYI, I think the rain washed away the path.
Why didn't we just leave with the rest of the group?
Because the only one in the lobby
when the group left was me.
There's an arrow!
It's pointing straight down.
So the meeting's in hell.
Well, good, then we're here.
Okay, we'll go to the left.
If we're wrong, we'll come back and go to the right.
And this is how we've ended up,
lost and cold.
And it's all Marjorie's fault.
It is Marjorie's fault.
(breath quivering)
I love you, Adam.
(soft clattering)
What was that?
- Wendy? - WENDY: What?!
I brought you some soup.
I don't want it!
Wendy, please let me take care of you so I don't have to write.
I have food poisoning, you moron!
Okay, I'm just gonna leave it outside the door.
There were no crackers, by the way.
It's okay, Wayne. They're asleep.
My, you get right to it, don't you?
Thick woolen socks... but that's it.
- We will never speak of this again. - Never.
Hi.
Hi. Without a lot of questions being asked,
is it okay if I stay with you?
You're here with your mom. I expected you hours ago.
(knocking)
WENDY: I told you, I don't want any damn food!
What kind of idiot brings food to a person who's barfing?
What?
Did somebody lick your hair?
Why are you here?
'Cause I want to play cards and gab. Let's get to it.
It's just I'd already started visualizing myself in that sweet van.
Look, I get it.
Jill was the fast, convenient way to get the money,
but you don't need her.
No, I think I do. No, you don't, because you've got you.
You survived prison,
you survived living with Marjorie,
you started your own business and made it
so successful, you need a fancy van to put it in.
You know what you are?
You're a bad-ass sober woman.
I guess.
And think about it. If Jill lent you the money,
you'd have a van and a not-so-silent partner.
Oh, she does have opinions. Yeah.
Opinions are what rich people call working.
You're right. I can do it.
Yes, you can, because you're a... ?
Bad-ass sober woman.
I can't hear you!
I'm not gonna say it again.
Okay, but you get it.
I do. And you know what?
I'm gonna shut up now so you can get back to writing.
Oh. (sputters) Forget it.
Ooh. I give up.
You'd think a... a-a book about teenage zombie astronauts
would write itself, but it does not.
You need to write about what you know.
(sighs)
I suppose I could make the astronauts middle-aged.
No, no, you need to write about your life!
The stories you tell, the things you've gone through,
that's your book.
You're the baddest bad-ass sober woman ever.
You son of a bitch.
I don't know whether to hug you
or wing this pear off the side of your head.
Do both!
I looked for you at the meeting in the meadow,
but I couldn't find you.
We tried to come, but we got lost.
My mom almost fought a goat.
My sponsor has us on a tight schedule.
She wants us all to be up for a sunrise meditation tomorrow,
which really is just sleeping which I could do right here.
Well, I was gonna go to the sunrise thing,
but if you want to sleep in,
that's cool with me.
No matter what I do, I end up back in bed with my mother.
How 'bout some pear?
They're very good for gut health.
You don't think I know that, Einstein?
I went to frickin' nursing school.
Again, what did we say about lashin' out?
I just hate being sick.
It reminds me of all the times I was hungover,
getting my stomach pumped, feeling humiliated.
I get that. I had my own suite at the ER.
I hated people helping me then and I hate it now.
And let's get real, you don't want to be here.
Sure, I do.
Please, you didn't want to here
before I got sick.
I know and I'm sorry,
but... I'm here now, you're here,
there are cards...
So what do you say we deal 'em up?
You don't want to play.
You're right.
Sometimes friends do things they don't want to do
and then they find out they're really glad they did.
Want to make it interesting, play for a few bucks?
Sure, sounds fun.
Okay, Texas Hold'em, limit with a half kill,
- we'll run it twice. - Okay.
I'll talk you through it.
All right, car's loaded up
and Mom looks like she's about to start honkin' the horn.
Okay. Well, I guess that's that.
What's wrong?
This weekend was a disaster.
I got fragged by my own troops.
I just... wanted this retreat to be special for all of you.
- (horn honking) - And I hear you!
She will leave without us.
Great. Let's go lock this energy in a car for five hours.
Oh, Christy.
I'll-I'll meet you out there!
Hey, we were just leaving.
I just wanted to say again, I'm sorry I misread the signals.
You mean me showing up in my pajamas
at the traditional booty call hour?
- Hard to blame you for that. - Yeah.
Uh, to be honest, I was very flattered.
It's been a while since anyone's noticed me, so...
Are you kidding? I noticed you the minute you came in.
- (horn honking) - Oh, God, that's my mom.
I better go before she scares the goats.
Well, safe travels.
(mumbles)
♪♪
Tammy, I've been thinking about it,
and I'd be happy to loan you the money for the van.
Wow, thanks.
But you know what? I decided I'm gonna get it myself.
It might take me a little longer,
but I'm gonna do it, 'cause I'm a bad-ass sober woman.
We all are. (chuckles)
Ooh, that truck stop has ceviche!
A hot dog took you down but you're gonna roll the dice
on road fish?
Well, if I get sick, I will let you all take care of me.
Hey, any of you have a spare journal?
I filled mine up.
Take this one. Ignore the angry scratchings on page one.
Read them the part you showed me.
- I don't know. - Oh, I want to hear.
Okay, be gentle. (clears throat)
"I guess my only memory before I went into foster care
"was the dollhouse my mom gave me on my fourth birthday.
"Of course, we couldn't afford any furniture for the inside,
"so we made everything out of paper.
"Little paper beds, chairs, even a little paper rug.
"I had no idea it was gonna take me a lifetime to get back
to a house where I felt that safe and loved."
It's just a rough draft, but you get the idea.
- That's so great. - I love it.
That was beautiful.
I kissed a girl!
Couldn't let me have it, could ya?
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --