1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:05,773 Hi. My name is Christy. I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,275 ALL: Hi, Christy. 3 00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:10,711 And, uh... 4 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,746 that's all I got. 5 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,252 I think there's more. 6 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:21,155 The plan was to be a lawyer, and you guys supported me and said, 7 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,324 "Oh, go for it, Christy. You can do it." 8 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:26,327 Turns out every law school I applied to disagrees. 9 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,362 And I can't tell you how mean it was 10 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,698 of all you people to make me believe in myself. 11 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:33,701 I don't know how you sleep at night. 12 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,503 So, thanks a lot. 13 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,373 Still no. 14 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,542 Anyway, for all of you who say, 15 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,744 "Oh, sobriety's full of miracles..." 16 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,379 (blows raspberries) 17 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,450 Sorry. I should end on a positive note, so... 18 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,485 (blows raspberries) 19 00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:58,259 Hi. Jill, alcoholic. 20 00:00:58,292 --> 00:00:59,660 ALL: Hi, Jill. 21 00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,630 Well, transitioning back to the real world 22 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,266 has been really tough. 23 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,868 Eating healthy was so easy at the wellness retreat. 24 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,271 I mean, carbs weren't allowed on the premises, 25 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:13,407 and I had a inner strength coach on call 24 hours a day. 26 00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,643 It's just not the same 27 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,545 FaceTiming her from the frozen dessert aisle 28 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,148 with a Sara Lee strudel in my trembling hand. 29 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,518 I mean, temptation's all around me. 30 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,355 Every time I open Google Maps, it reminds me that I live 31 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:30,724 three-eighths of a mile from a Perkins Pancake House. 32 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,893 And they're open all night. 33 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,728 You know, during those dark hours 34 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:38,399 when you can't stop your thoughts. 35 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,268 Like right now. 36 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,304 (ice cream truck music playing outside) 37 00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:49,109 Wait, you all hear that ice cream truck, too, right? 38 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,413 BONNIE: Hey, look at that. 39 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,914 A spot right in front. 40 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,317 That's what you get for praying to the parking gods. 41 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,585 The only god you believe in. 42 00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:01,155 Not true. I also believe in the lotto god. 43 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,393 Son of a bitch! 44 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,660 (horn honks) 45 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,764 Little guy, big motorcycle. 46 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,800 BOTH: Tiny wiener. 47 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,308 Hey, buddy, we were here first. 48 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,376 You were here first. 49 00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,412 You had an opportunity, but you didn't take it. 50 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,479 Lesson learned. 51 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:28,416 Check it out, this Muppet thinks I'm teachable. 52 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,318 Miranda, you're here! 53 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,520 Oh, Jill! 54 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,454 You know her? 55 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,822 Of course. 56 00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:36,890 She's my inner strength coach from the retreat. 57 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,892 Well, she's a dick. 58 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,629 Oh, you must be Bonnie. 59 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,832 Many people have heard of me; you're not special. 60 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:47,335 Thank you so much for coming. 61 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,538 When one of my little lost bunnies calls me, I'm here. 62 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:52,806 Energy hug. 63 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,276 (both humming) 64 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,745 I'd like to stay and mock whatever this is, 65 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,413 but we still got to park. 66 00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,615 Ah. Try around the corner. I'll save you a seat. 67 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:04,918 Hey, Bonnie, remember, see the space, take the space. 68 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:08,322 Hey, see my foot, watch your ass. 69 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,358 ♪♪ 70 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,237 Oh, my God, just having you here, I feel safer. 71 00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:31,945 I think the donut dreams are finally gonna stop. 72 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:35,783 Jill, the only person that can make you feel safe is you. 73 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,350 What about a fireman? 74 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,319 They always make me feel safe. 75 00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:41,889 Except when you fool around with one of them in the supply closet 76 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,857 and the next time they bring in a burn victim, 77 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,759 it's all, "Do I know you?" 78 00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,262 And how does that make you feel? 79 00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:50,297 I'm used to it. 80 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,265 Wendy, it's okay to be angry. 81 00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:54,497 You have a voice and we need to hear it. 82 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:55,736 (quietly): Okay. 83 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,505 Try this. (clears throat) 84 00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,307 I will be heard! 85 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,009 (quietly): I will be heard. 86 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,447 Wow, she actually got quieter. 87 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,419 Turns out the closest spot was the Home Depot parking lot, 88 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,920 three-quarters of a mile away. 89 00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:16,352 I had to buy this so they don't tow me. 90 00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:17,725 So, what did I miss? 91 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,361 Miranda is helping Wendy find her voice. 92 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,563 You sure that's a fuse you want to light? 93 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,864 (loudly): Hey, back off! 94 00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:26,834 There's Wendy the Lion. 95 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,636 All right, give me the hammer. 96 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:31,205 Yeah. That's probably smart. 97 00:04:31,239 --> 00:04:32,840 So, Miranda, tell us, 98 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,908 what exactly do you do at the retreat? 99 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,644 Oh, it's simple, really. 100 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,480 Everyone has an untapped reservoir of strength, 101 00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:42,250 and it's my calling to help them frack their way into it. 102 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,718 Frack. 103 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,687 That's wonderful. 104 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,689 This woman saved me. 105 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,424 I'd been at the retreat for three weeks 106 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,660 and only lost half a pound when Miranda looked me 107 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:53,994 straight in the eyes and said... 108 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,363 I see you. 109 00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:56,964 You do, don't you? Yeah. 110 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,634 She stood by my side for the next 12 weeks, 111 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,270 and bam, look what happened. 112 00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:04,972 I'm back to being the hottest one here. 113 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,974 Jill, we talked about this. 114 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,909 Sorry. 115 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:12,212 Everyone's beautiful in their own peculiar way. 116 00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:14,748 Better. 117 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,450 How is that better? 118 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,619 It's important for you to remember 119 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,255 that you had the power to change all along. 120 00:05:21,289 --> 00:05:23,291 I've been obsessing over German chocolate cake 121 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:24,825 with cream cheese frosting 122 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,860 and how it would solve all my problems. 123 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:30,831 Get out of your problems, get into your power. 124 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:33,501 I think I could do that better back at the retreat. 125 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,469 Aw, would that mean Miranda has to leave? 126 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,004 Oh, well, off you go. 127 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,972 Jill, no. 128 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:41,375 The Mindful Cactus is a wonderful place, 129 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,977 but you need to learn to live in the real world. 130 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:47,915 And in the real world, cake happens. 131 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:50,484 So I can have some? 132 00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,620 In moderation, sure. 133 00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:55,456 You have the power to take a bite and push that plate away. 134 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,891 Uh, yeah, Miranda, we're not really 135 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,861 a moderation bunch of gals. 136 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,897 (loudly): I once drank floor cleaner. 137 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,602 Give me the hammer. 138 00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:13,341 (sighs) 139 00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,808 You got to be kidding. 140 00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,744 What? It's 4:30. 141 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,180 Don't you have class? Why bother? 142 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:22,216 The world doesn't need another college-educated waitress. 143 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:24,585 "Let me tell you today's specials 144 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,755 and the difference between Emily and Charlotte Bronte." 145 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,158 Are those your teachers? 146 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,428 Yes. 147 00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:35,763 I don't know what I'm gonna do. 148 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:37,765 All of my eggs were 149 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,368 in this law school basket, and I just dropped the basket. 150 00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:43,437 And that's why you don't put all your eggs in one basket. 151 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,639 I just got that. 152 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:47,608 Maybe I need a Miranda. 153 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,910 Hey, I'm your Miranda. 154 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,146 Now snap out of it! 155 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:57,251 Oh, look, there's that meatball I dropped last night. 156 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,390 Jill, you want to put away your Elf on the Shelf 157 00:07:02,423 --> 00:07:03,857 and help me clean up here? 158 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,058 Careful, Bonnie. 159 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,196 I'll have Santa put you on the naughty list. (clicks tongue) 160 00:07:08,229 --> 00:07:09,730 I'll be right there. 161 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,199 Talk to me, honey. 162 00:07:11,232 --> 00:07:13,401 It's the damn cookie table. 163 00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,536 It's my turn to clean it, but I'm afraid I'm gonna 164 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,705 unhinge my jaw and clean it with my mouth. 165 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:21,642 Jill, do you know why I started riding a motorcycle? 166 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,845 Because I used to be afraid of them, but I'm not anymore. 167 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,547 You're right. 168 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:28,682 I need to face my fears. Come on. 169 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:31,885 Let's do it together. Okay. 170 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,855 Oh, good God, where'd those brownies come from? 171 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,191 Relax, Jill. Marjorie made them. 172 00:07:37,225 --> 00:07:39,893 (brownie clanks) Hockey pucks with nuts. 173 00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:42,730 Just because things aren't working out the way you want 174 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,398 doesn't mean they aren't working out. 175 00:07:44,432 --> 00:07:46,267 You just got to have faith. 176 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:49,337 I do. I believe with all my heart 177 00:07:49,370 --> 00:07:51,305 that my life is gonna suck forever. 178 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,209 Hey, are you sober today? 179 00:07:55,243 --> 00:07:57,878 (blows raspberries) 180 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,780 Then you're a winner. 181 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,949 See, you need to look for small victories. 182 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,817 Did you make your bed this morning? 183 00:08:05,286 --> 00:08:07,421 I threw the bedspread over the mess. 184 00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:09,957 I'm gonna put that in the win column. 185 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,959 I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing, 186 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,262 but you making your bed is not a win. 187 00:08:14,295 --> 00:08:15,629 You need to aim higher. 188 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:16,864 (chuckles) Thank you, Miranda, 189 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:19,800 but I've been helping people work this program for 37 years. 190 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,669 I think I know what I'm talking about. 191 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,671 Oh, I know I'm just a guest here, 192 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:27,375 but I have a teeny-tiny issue with the first step of A.A. 193 00:08:27,408 --> 00:08:29,009 Admit you're powerless? 194 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,944 Why do you have to admit you're powerless? 195 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,281 Because when it comes to alcohol, we are powerless, 196 00:08:33,314 --> 00:08:34,982 and we need to remember that. 197 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,351 It's just that I've known y'all for a few days, 198 00:08:37,385 --> 00:08:38,952 and I don't see any powerless women. 199 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,488 That's 'cause we're not drunk. 200 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,989 (laughs) 201 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,924 Don't hide behind your humor. 202 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,560 Then I got nothing. 203 00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:48,629 All due respect, 204 00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:51,532 I'm less interested in, um-- what do you call it?-- 205 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,966 your higher power, 206 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,403 and more interested in your inner power. 207 00:08:55,436 --> 00:08:57,037 That's the answer to your problems. 208 00:08:57,070 --> 00:09:00,408 All due respect, you're talking out your ass. 209 00:09:00,441 --> 00:09:03,444 See, now that's powerful. 210 00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:06,547 Christy, what's stopping you from reaching your goals 211 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,782 is all that bad energy in your life. 212 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,884 I can help you get rid of it. 213 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,987 If you're gonna take out my mom, use poison. 214 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,557 She'll see any other weapons coming. 215 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,326 All I'm saying is you need to get rid of 216 00:09:18,359 --> 00:09:20,294 all that negativity out of your system. 217 00:09:20,328 --> 00:09:23,931 If you want, I could give you an energy cleanse. 218 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:27,067 You'll have a whole new you. 219 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,069 No offense, but I don't really think 220 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,505 any of that stuff works. 221 00:09:31,539 --> 00:09:33,574 Bonnie, I said put the coffee urn away! 222 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:36,076 Okay, sorry. 223 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,312 When do we start? 224 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,949 I am so glad you see what Miranda has to offer. 225 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,851 You are gonna love this. 226 00:09:43,884 --> 00:09:47,621 I hope so. I've never had my energy cleansed before. 227 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:50,458 It's probably pretty crusty. 228 00:09:50,491 --> 00:09:52,326 (singsongy): Hello! 229 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:56,096 (singsongy): Hello. 230 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,998 Only she does that. 231 00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,501 Oh. Sorry. 232 00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:04,037 Are you ready to go on a little journey to you? 233 00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,507 I guess. 234 00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:09,643 Okay, I'm gonna see you on the other side. 235 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:10,978 The other side? 236 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,846 The kitchen. 237 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,350 All right, sweetie, I want you to lie down. 238 00:10:16,384 --> 00:10:18,952 Close your eyes. 239 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,954 Free your mind. 240 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:26,827 Imagine yourself floating in a deep, warm river. 241 00:10:29,597 --> 00:10:30,798 (shouts) 242 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,367 Oh! 243 00:10:33,401 --> 00:10:36,199 Sorry, I was clearing my pathway. 244 00:10:36,204 --> 00:10:39,573 Okay, but you really should warn a person. 245 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:44,278 I'm going to go into a little bit of a trance. 246 00:10:44,312 --> 00:10:46,180 (gentle music begins) 247 00:10:46,214 --> 00:10:48,616 I don't know what's going to happen 248 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,651 because every experience is unique. 249 00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,653 I'll be processing your energy, 250 00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,289 and I may or may not have visions along the way. 251 00:10:55,323 --> 00:10:57,191 We'll see. 252 00:10:57,225 --> 00:10:59,693 Permission to enter your energy space? 253 00:11:01,562 --> 00:11:03,364 I'm gonna need a verbal "yes." 254 00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:06,300 Yes. 255 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,908 (sings high-pitched note) 256 00:11:16,644 --> 00:11:19,247 (sings high-pitched note) 257 00:11:20,581 --> 00:11:22,350 (sings high-pitched note) 258 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,986 (sings high-pitched note, then low-pitched note) 259 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,422 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, what was that? 260 00:11:28,456 --> 00:11:30,858 Uh, that's a huge clump of bad energy. 261 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:32,793 I'm going to throw it away. 262 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,364 (knuckles crack) 263 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,634 (groaning) 264 00:11:40,668 --> 00:11:44,204 (guttural grunting) 265 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:54,348 Let me guess, that was my childhood. 266 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:04,158 I'm serious. 24 hours later, I still feel like I'm high. 267 00:12:04,192 --> 00:12:05,293 Clean energy is incredible. 268 00:12:05,326 --> 00:12:07,461 Settle down, Al Gore. 269 00:12:07,495 --> 00:12:11,632 That's so nice that you're working with Miranda, too. 270 00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,701 After she got rid of Christy's negative energy, 271 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:16,337 my living room smelled like sulfur. 272 00:12:16,370 --> 00:12:19,240 I don't know what she did, but I am a different person now. 273 00:12:19,273 --> 00:12:21,542 A better person. If only. 274 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:24,478 I don't think Miranda made you a better person. 275 00:12:24,512 --> 00:12:27,381 I'm guessing the program had a lot more to do with it. 276 00:12:27,415 --> 00:12:29,517 Oh, sure, sure, sure. 277 00:12:29,550 --> 00:12:32,686 But I hit a wall, and Miranda's helping me break through. 278 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,257 Okay. Just one last thing I'm gonna say. 279 00:12:36,290 --> 00:12:37,858 Again, if only. 280 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:41,729 Just want to remind you there are no quick fixes. 281 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:45,299 I don't know. This was pretty quick and I feel pretty fixed. 282 00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:49,237 Miranda told me I have limitless power. 283 00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:52,273 And so now I am recommitting to my dream of going to law school. 284 00:12:52,306 --> 00:12:54,308 (loudly): How? 285 00:12:56,644 --> 00:12:59,513 Sorry. 286 00:12:59,547 --> 00:13:01,382 I'm gonna go see the admissions people, 287 00:13:01,415 --> 00:13:03,284 and I'm gonna change their minds. 288 00:13:03,317 --> 00:13:07,455 Oh. I believe I also suggested you do some follow-up, 289 00:13:07,488 --> 00:13:11,359 but maybe you needed to hear it in a squeaky voice. 290 00:13:11,392 --> 00:13:13,461 All I can say is 291 00:13:13,494 --> 00:13:15,629 that cleanse was the best 500 bucks I've ever spent. 292 00:13:15,663 --> 00:13:18,666 (stutters) What? 293 00:13:18,699 --> 00:13:20,768 You don't have that kind of money to throw around. 294 00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:22,836 And if you do, where have you been hiding it? 295 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,505 I put it on my credit card. 296 00:13:24,538 --> 00:13:25,806 You don't have a credit card. 297 00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:28,209 And if you do, where have you been hiding it? 298 00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:31,312 Miranda said she'd love to do it for free, 299 00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:33,714 but the universe needs to know a sacrifice has been made. 300 00:13:33,747 --> 00:13:36,284 And you bought that? When did you become a boob? 301 00:13:37,518 --> 00:13:39,220 Hey, what's that say about me? 302 00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:40,521 Well, you can afford to be a boob. 303 00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:42,790 Back me up here, loudmouth. 304 00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:44,825 (loudly): Bonnie's right. 305 00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:52,266 (chanting): Namo amitabha, namo amitabha, namo amitabha. 306 00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:53,701 Hello, Bonnie. 307 00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,337 How did you know it was me? 308 00:13:56,370 --> 00:13:59,240 The temperature changed, the energy shifted, 309 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:02,443 and your car backfired in the driveway. 310 00:14:02,476 --> 00:14:04,812 Were you looking for Jill? Looking for you. 311 00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,815 Look, I don't care if you're dipping into Jill's Botox fund, 312 00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,883 but when you start taking money from my daughter, 313 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:12,586 who's barely scraping by, that's when you hear from me. 314 00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:15,189 Oh, Bonnie, who hurt you? 315 00:14:15,223 --> 00:14:16,590 Don't even try. 316 00:14:16,624 --> 00:14:18,459 No, seriously, I want to know. 317 00:14:18,492 --> 00:14:20,428 And I got to tell you, I respect the fact 318 00:14:20,461 --> 00:14:21,829 that you're protecting your daughter, 319 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,732 because I sense you were not protected by your mother. 320 00:14:24,765 --> 00:14:27,201 Well, who told you that? Jill? 321 00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:29,470 You did, just now, with your eyes. 322 00:14:29,503 --> 00:14:31,405 What kind of carny hustle is this? 323 00:14:31,439 --> 00:14:33,441 What, are you gonna guess my cholesterol next? 324 00:14:33,474 --> 00:14:35,476 It's too high to joke about. 325 00:14:35,509 --> 00:14:37,745 Look, you may not believe in what I do, 326 00:14:37,778 --> 00:14:40,681 but that doesn't change the fact that I care about you. 327 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:43,817 You don't even know me. Why would you care about me? 328 00:14:43,851 --> 00:14:46,554 Exactly. You have a hard time believing 329 00:14:46,587 --> 00:14:50,558 someone can care about you because you were abandoned. 330 00:14:50,591 --> 00:14:53,527 Uh, I'm here to talk about Christy. 331 00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:55,396 And it's not your fault your mother left you. 332 00:14:55,429 --> 00:14:56,597 You were just a baby. 333 00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:57,865 Babies are pure, they're perfect. 334 00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:00,234 You... sh-shut up! 335 00:15:00,268 --> 00:15:03,704 Oh. There is a perfect baby inside of you. 336 00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:04,872 I am not falling for this. 337 00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:07,441 Baby Bonnie! 338 00:15:07,475 --> 00:15:10,911 Oh, God, you-you smell like cookies. 339 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:17,451 Come, lie down. Let me take away your pain. 340 00:15:17,485 --> 00:15:18,919 I'm not sure I... On the house. 341 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,954 Face up or face down? 342 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,866 Just checking in. It's been a couple hours. 343 00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:35,803 Any chance the admissions director is gonna see me? 344 00:15:35,836 --> 00:15:38,439 I told you before, you should've made an appointment. 345 00:15:38,472 --> 00:15:42,576 Normally I would've, but it was recently brought to my attention 346 00:15:42,610 --> 00:15:44,712 that I have limitless power. 347 00:15:44,745 --> 00:15:47,548 You don't. 348 00:15:52,586 --> 00:15:54,555 (intercom beeps) 349 00:15:54,588 --> 00:15:56,724 HARRINGTON: Alice, I blanked on Frank's birthday. 350 00:15:56,757 --> 00:15:59,827 Get me a reservation somewhere fantastic tonight. 351 00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:01,895 ALICE: Of course, no problem. 352 00:16:01,929 --> 00:16:04,031 I'm screwed. 353 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:07,468 Wow, 5:00. 354 00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:09,637 Every restaurant in town's gonna be full. 355 00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:11,605 Thanks. 356 00:16:11,639 --> 00:16:13,507 Are you familiar with the Rustic Fig? 357 00:16:13,541 --> 00:16:15,509 Yeah, but they're booked a month in advance. 358 00:16:15,543 --> 00:16:18,579 Unless you know someone who has the limitless power 359 00:16:18,612 --> 00:16:20,614 of a waitress. 360 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:30,624 (crying): What is happening to me?! 361 00:16:30,658 --> 00:16:32,526 I opened you up. 362 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,763 Well, snap me shut! 363 00:16:35,796 --> 00:16:37,498 You'll be okay. 364 00:16:37,531 --> 00:16:39,567 I just wouldn't make any important life decisions 365 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,569 for, say, 36 hours, 366 00:16:41,602 --> 00:16:44,605 and I would avoid operating any heavy equipment. 367 00:16:44,638 --> 00:16:48,442 But what if I have to drive a backhoe? 368 00:16:48,476 --> 00:16:50,878 Good, you're already thinking big. 369 00:16:50,911 --> 00:16:53,414 (crying) Miranda, I did it! 370 00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:56,083 I baked a batch of cookies and only ate half of one! 371 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,117 Breakthrough! 372 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,986 (both laugh, hum) 373 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:01,689 Wait for me! 374 00:17:01,722 --> 00:17:03,724 (all humming) 375 00:17:04,692 --> 00:17:06,294 I have amazing news. 376 00:17:06,327 --> 00:17:07,728 (crying): Me, too. 377 00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:09,763 What happened? 378 00:17:09,797 --> 00:17:13,434 Miranda fracked me pretty good. 379 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,802 Isn't she incredible? 380 00:17:14,835 --> 00:17:17,771 She is. What's your news? 381 00:17:17,805 --> 00:17:20,441 I went to see the head of admissions, stated my case, 382 00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:22,310 and she told me I was on the bubble. 383 00:17:22,343 --> 00:17:23,511 They almost accepted me. 384 00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:24,945 If I bump my LSAT scores up a notch, 385 00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,514 she'll find a place for me next year. 386 00:17:26,547 --> 00:17:29,450 Oh, baby! (laughs) 387 00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:31,352 Tell me again what the LSAT is. 388 00:17:31,385 --> 00:17:32,686 The big lawyer test, Mom. 389 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,656 I thought that was the bar exam! (crying) 390 00:17:35,689 --> 00:17:37,658 That's the other big lawyer test. 391 00:17:37,691 --> 00:17:39,627 Can I please finish my story? 392 00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:42,296 I'm sorry. I've always interrupted you. 393 00:17:42,330 --> 00:17:43,864 It's okay, Mom. Sometimes you just... 394 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,600 It's not o... When will I stop?! 395 00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:49,303 (crying) 396 00:17:49,337 --> 00:17:51,505 (ringtone playing) 397 00:17:51,539 --> 00:17:53,507 Hello? 398 00:17:53,541 --> 00:17:54,642 Christy, it's Miranda. 399 00:17:54,675 --> 00:17:56,477 Hey, you are not gonna believe 400 00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,512 what happened to me, and it's all thanks to you. 401 00:17:58,546 --> 00:18:00,848 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had the power within you the whole time. 402 00:18:00,881 --> 00:18:03,384 Listen, we got a bit of a situation over here. 403 00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:07,388 I went out for a hike, I came back, and I found her like this. 404 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:09,423 Oh, my God. What happened? 405 00:18:09,457 --> 00:18:11,559 I was working with her on moderation. 406 00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:14,328 I convinced her she could eat half a cookie, then stop. 407 00:18:14,362 --> 00:18:15,696 So she tried it with booze. Yeah. 408 00:18:15,729 --> 00:18:17,565 (slurring): I messed up. 409 00:18:17,598 --> 00:18:19,633 Don't worry, honey, we're here. 410 00:18:29,810 --> 00:18:32,346 I can't believe I threw away all that time. 411 00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:34,482 I'm so stupid. 412 00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:37,085 You're not stupid; you're an alcoholic. 413 00:18:37,118 --> 00:18:38,486 I'm really sorry, Jill. 414 00:18:38,519 --> 00:18:40,554 Not your fault, Miranda. 415 00:18:40,588 --> 00:18:43,557 You can't make someone get sober and you can't make them drink. 416 00:18:43,591 --> 00:18:46,294 Marjorie? 417 00:18:46,327 --> 00:18:47,395 Yes, honey? 418 00:18:47,428 --> 00:18:49,263 Half a cookie doesn't work. 419 00:18:49,297 --> 00:18:50,431 Not for you, sweetie. 420 00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:54,435 None of us are half a cookie people. 421 00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:56,504 (crying): Even though I really want to be. 422 00:18:56,537 --> 00:18:59,440 (loudly): Oh, pipe down. It's not about you! 423 00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,742 Marjorie, Wendy's being mean to me. 424 00:19:03,344 --> 00:19:06,380 Okay, this may be your fault.