Every morning, I wake up
and for about two seconds,
I feel pretty good.
And then I remember that Jodi died.
(Sighs)
And I'm trying to be grateful
for those two seconds,
but I can't.
I just hate this disease.
I hate it that it took our friend.
I hate it that I'm going to twice as many meetings,
and they don't seem to help.
I don't... even see the point anymore.
Thanks. That's it.
(Whispering): Why are we clapping?
Who else would like to share?
I would.
Marjorie, alcoholic.
All: Hi, Marjorie.
Unlike everyone else,
I just found out about Jodi's death yesterday,
so... instead of grieving with all of you,
I was on a cruise ship to Alaska.
That's not the choice I would have made...
(Exhales)
... but that choice was made for me.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted you to enjoy your honeymoon.
Hey. This is my share.
Sorry.
Anyway, right now I am so angry and frustrated
that I can't even get to how heartbroken I am
over losing that sweet little girl.
(Door opens, shuts)
I'm Bonnie, I'm an alcoholic.
All (Quietly): Hi, Bonnie.
Last time I lost somebody I loved,
I started using again.
As I recall, it didn't go well.
Went on a three-day tear,
almost destroyed my relationship with my daughter,
and, as a parting gift,
I got a DUI.
So if I start acting squirrely, do me a favor:
Show me my mug shot.
That'll do it.
Am I the only one who's eating this pie?
Too sad to eat.
Isn't that what pie's for?
(Sighs) Let's just get the check.
If I'm gonna be miserable, I'd rather be alone.
Usually, when you're miserable, I prefer that you're alone.
But maybe this time, we do something different.
Like what?
Something to get our minds off of Jodi.
No, I'm not talking about drinking.
An opportunity recently came across my desk.
You don't have a desk.
All right, it was a text message from an old colleague.
You don't have colleagues.
Do you want to hear this or not?
Fine, go.
There's a certain substance...
Pure, uncut...
That we can buy in Canada
for pennies on the dollar,
smuggle back here and sell to my colleague
for an enormous profit.
Our friend just died of an overdose
and you want to smuggle drugs to get over it?
I'm not talking about drugs.
Then what are you talking about?
Maple syrup.
I don't understand.
Is that a street name for something?
No, it's the actual name.
You mean the stuff you put on pancakes?
Or waffles, French toast...
Ooh. Have you ever put it on bacon?
No, that sounds good.
It's incredible.
Even Turkey bacon.
You glaze it, then you put it
- in the oven at 350... - Bonnie: Ladies,
ladies... focus.
My guy says there's a lot of money to be made
for anybody who's willing to... How shall we say...
Get their hands a little sticky.
(Clicks tongue)
But maple syrup isn't illegal.
It is when it fell off the back of a truck.
Wouldn't that just make a mess?
It's a saying, Wendy.
The stuff is stolen?
Oh...
Hot syrup.
Mmm.
You put a little butter in that... forget about it.
Oh, for God's sake. Never mind.
No, no, no, I think this... might be just what we need.
How much money are we talking about?
If we each kick in $500,
we clear five grand apiece.
Wow.
That kind of money would really solve a lot of problems.
Sure would.
Tell me about it.
What?
I need a new purse.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --
Okay, I got our contact's name in Canada,
$1,000 in cash and some pepper spray,
just in case things go sideways.
Great.
Mad Libs or Travel Yahtzee?
You're kidding, right?
This isn't a camping trip, it's a smuggling operation.
We could end up in jail.
I don't care. I'm breaking bad.
Really?
This is usually where you get all judgy,
rat me out to Marjorie, and then she's all,
"Bonnie, you need to think about the consequences."
Well, Marjorie hates me now,
so we're talking a walk on the wild side.
With healthy and nutritious snacks.
Motherhood ruined you.
Hey, I am willing to commit a felony,
but I refuse to sit in a car with you
when you have low blood sugar.
Yeah? Well, I don't want to sit in a car with you, period.
Okay, I just heard it. Give me a carrot.
Take 'em all.
Look at us. Sneakin' stuff across the border, just like the old days.
Yeah. We are a couple of bad-asses.
Ooh! I forgot my mittens.
♪ ♪
Wendy: I have to pee.
Oh, for God's sake. I asked you
if you needed to pee before you got in the car.
Yeah, well, at the time, I didn't.
Did you even try?
Don't talk to me like I'm a child,
just 'cause I have to tinkle.
Get off at the next exit.
We'll find a gas station.
Oh, not a gas station.
Those bathrooms are too dirty.
Okay, Wendy, where would you like to tinkle?
I've had good luck at Denny's and McDonald's.
Hmm.
Good to know.
Pull over. Let's see what kind of luck she has
crouched behind a guard rail.
She's kidding, right?
Afraid not.
♪ ♪
♪ Turn around ♪
♪ bright eyes ♪
♪ every now and then I fall apart ♪
♪ turn around bright eyes ♪
♪ every now and then I fall apart ♪
♪ and I need you now tonight ♪
♪ and I need you more than ever ♪
♪ and if you'll only hold me tight ♪
♪ we'll be holding on forever... ♪
- When do we come back in? - When it's your car.
♪ And we'll only be making it right... ♪
♪ ♪
Male reader: The hot sting of the riding crop
across her tender buttocks
filled Samantha with humiliation
and desire.
The part of her that hated Dirk for stealing her ranch
wanted to say, "No. Stop."
But the rest of her could only cry out
"harder! Harder!"
Yeah, I'm not comfortable
getting horny in front of my mom.
Well, she's not my mom.
Press "play."
No, let's... do something else.
Have a nice conversation.
I wonder what Marjorie thought
when we didn't show up at the meeting tonight.
Who cares?
Ooh. Raggin' on Marjorie.
I like it.
Hey.
She decided to make me the bad guy
for caring about her happiness,
so the hell with her.
Oh, damn it.
"Harder. Harder!"
I'm sorry, but if Samantha really wanted her ranch back,
couldn't she arrange some sort of payment plan with the bank?
♪ ♪
(Exhales) Where is this guy?
Don't worry, he'll be here.
What are you doing?
Posting my picture on Instagram.
Are you crazy?
What?
My followers like to know what I'm up to.
You've been posting pictures the whole trip?
No...
I swear to God,
if I got to jail, it's gonna be for murder.
They're here, they're here!
Calm down, Wendy.
It's not an ice cream truck.
You got the money?
Right here.
Let's do it.
No, no, no, no, no.
We got this. You guys stay here.
Okay, we got your back.
First sign of trouble,
get in the car, we're out of here.
Are you Shoshanna?
That's me.
Shoshanna.
Nice.
You have the stuff?
You have the money?
Slow down.
I'm gonna need to taste what we're buying.
Oh, yeah, that's right out of the tree.
Can I have some?
Sheesh, it's like bring your kid to work day.
Christy: Mmm...
What are you doing?
Mmm. Sorry, old habit.
Okay.
100 gallons; We've got a deal.
So where does a guy your size buy pants?
I'm thinking you're too big and tall for "Big & Tall".
Can you hear me up there?
Uh, Shosh?
I think we have a problem.
Whoa.
How much does that thing weigh?
300, 400 pounds.
Uh, I'm assuming you'll help us put it in the car, right?
Nope.
Did I piss you off about the big and tall thing?
'Cause I'm big and tall, too.
I got this.
Any chance you have
a few thousand more of those tiny squeeze bears?
Thanks for the help, fellas!
Canadian dicks.
Mexican criminals are so much more courteous.
Until they make you dig your own grave.
How are we gonna get this in the car?
Good for you. You spotted the problem.
Well, I guess the first thing we do
is walk it over there.
Yep, I guess.
Okay.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
(Groaning, grunting)
- Other way, other way. - Which other way?
Toward the car, genius.
Whoo! Somebody has low blood sugar.
Rock it up and spin, spin, spin.
Whoa!
Rock it up and spin, spin, spin.
(Exhales)
This is fun.
You've never had actual fun, have you?
♪ ♪
... spin, spin, spin.
(Grunts)
Oh, oh!
Girl power!
(Whoops) Oh!
Stupid men would've probably
just backed the car up to the barrel.
What?
♪ ♪
Okay.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
(Grunting)
Little higher, little higher.
We're not gonna make it.
We don't have a choice. Lift!
Don't get mad, but I have to pee again!
Nobody pees until this barrel's in the car.
(Bellowing)
Pick me up at the Denny's across the street!
♪ ♪
Wendy: Do you think they have syrup-sniffing dogs?
Yes, Wendy, they've given up on drug cartels
in order to crack down on Aunt Jemima.
They are searching all the cars.
Maybe we should turn around.
A u-turn at the border?
Yeah, that won't look suspicious.
Oh, my God, we're all gonna go to prison!
A little louder, Wendy.
I don't think the border guards heard you.
All right, everybody just calm down.
I got us through Marjorie's wedding after Jodi died
and I can get us through this.
Of course, if I had taken Jodi's phone call,
none of this would be happening.
Don't go there.
What do you mean, don't go there?
It's all I think about.
She needed me and I was too busy
with the stupid wedding. (Sniffles)
No one blames you.
Yeah, well...
I blame me.
- (Crying) - No. Don't start.
If you start, I'll...
(Crying): I'm starting.
Me, too.
(Sniffles)
(All crying)
- (Tapping at window) - What?
Oh...
(Sniffling)
Hello, officer.
Everything okay in here?
No. Nothing's okay.
Our friend died and we came up here to get away from it
but you can't get away from it, 'cause it's just too awful.
(Sobbing)
Tell 'em to pop the trunk.
Nah, they're cool.
Drive safely.
♪ ♪
What are you doing?
(Sighs)
I need a meeting.
Here?
Why not?
We've got four drunks and a bunch of crappy snacks.
Sounds like a meeting to me.
All right.
I guess we're having a meeting.
Welcome to the Interstate 5,
Mile Marker 23 meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'll start.
(Sighs)
Hi, I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.
All: Hi, Christy.
I know we joke a lot
about... all the crazy stuff we did
when we were drunk and loaded.
(Sniffs)
And maybe it's funny 'cause we got away with it.
We're still here.
But Jodi's not.
And I've got to find some way
to make sense of that.
Otherwise, her dying is just...
a complete waste.
We have to make it mean something.
I have to...
... make it mean something.
(Sighs)
And the only way I can do that
is by... never taking my sobriety for granted.
I don't know how many second chances I'll get.
I've had eight.
Anyway...
(Clears throat)
That's it.
Would anyone else like to share?
I'm not following that.
I think you said it all.
Okay.
Serenity prayer.
(Sniffs)
(Clears throat)
God...
All: ... Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
All: Amen.
(Knocking)
- Hi. - Hi.
This a bad time?
That depends. Are you gonna yell at me?
No.
Then come on in.
You want some tea?
Uh, no, thanks.
So... what's up?
I'm here because I owe you an amends.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
I know your heart was in the right place
when you didn't tell me about Jodi.
You wanted me to enjoy my honeymoon, and I did.
I'm glad.
- (Sighs) - That is... all I wanted.
I think I just channeled all my emotions about Jodi
into being angry at you,
which was wrong.
- I totally get it. - (Laughs)
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry.
What are you sorry about?
I don't know.
I'm just more comfortable being the one who apologizes.
(Chuckling)
(sighs)
So how are you doing?
Better than I was.
That's good to hear.
So what were the four of you
doing up in Canada?
Canada?
Yeah, I follow Jill on Instagram.
There was a whole bunch of pictures of your trip.
Oh, yeah...
We just decided, you know,
spur of the moment, to hit the road
process and heal...
You could almost call it sort of a...
spiritual retreat.
Christy!
Look what I... Hey! Hi! Hello!
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --