1
00:00:01,547 --> 00:00:04,080
Hi. My name is Christy.
I'm an alcoholic.

2
00:00:04,414 --> 00:00:05,997
Hi, Christy.

3
00:00:05,999 --> 00:00:07,609
And, uh...

4
00:00:09,469 --> 00:00:11,156
that's all I got.

5
00:00:14,234 --> 00:00:15,867
I think there's more.

6
00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:19,179
The plan was to be a lawyer, and
you guys supported me and said,

7
00:00:19,204 --> 00:00:21,593
"Oh, go for it, Christy. You can do it."

8
00:00:21,682 --> 00:00:24,716
Turns out every law school
I applied to disagrees.

9
00:00:24,741 --> 00:00:26,908
And I can't tell you how mean it was

10
00:00:26,933 --> 00:00:29,350
of all you people to
make me believe in myself.

11
00:00:29,679 --> 00:00:31,601
I don't know how you sleep at night.

12
00:00:31,626 --> 00:00:33,576
So, thanks a lot.

13
00:00:36,246 --> 00:00:37,460
Still no.

14
00:00:38,115 --> 00:00:40,117
Anyway, for all of you who say,

15
00:00:40,142 --> 00:00:42,450
"Oh, sobriety's full of miracles... "

16
00:00:44,913 --> 00:00:47,797
Sorry. I should end on
a positive note, so...

17
00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:56,351
Hi. Jill, alcoholic.

18
00:00:56,376 --> 00:00:58,009
Hi, Jill.

19
00:00:58,034 --> 00:01:01,269
Well, transitioning
back to the real world

20
00:01:01,271 --> 00:01:03,062
has been really tough.

21
00:01:03,408 --> 00:01:06,242
Eating healthy was so easy
at the wellness retreat.

22
00:01:06,526 --> 00:01:08,453
I mean, carbs weren't
allowed on the premises,

23
00:01:08,478 --> 00:01:11,896
and I had a inner strength
coach on call 24 hours a day.

24
00:01:12,835 --> 00:01:15,914
It's just not the same FaceTiming
her from the frozen dessert aisle

25
00:01:15,939 --> 00:01:18,523
with a Sara Lee strudel
in my trembling hand.

26
00:01:20,061 --> 00:01:22,511
I mean, temptation's all around me.

27
00:01:23,076 --> 00:01:25,744
Every time I open Google
Maps, it reminds me that I live

28
00:01:25,746 --> 00:01:28,515
three-eighths of a mile
from a Perkins Pancake House.

29
00:01:28,978 --> 00:01:31,061
And they're open all night.

30
00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:33,335
You know, during those dark hours

31
00:01:33,337 --> 00:01:34,968
when you can't stop your thoughts.

32
00:01:36,546 --> 00:01:38,329
Like right now.

33
00:01:44,481 --> 00:01:47,257
Wait, you all hear that
ice cream truck, too, right?

34
00:01:49,648 --> 00:01:51,069
Hey, look at that.

35
00:01:51,071 --> 00:01:52,570
A spot right in front.

36
00:01:52,572 --> 00:01:54,484
That's what you get for
praying to the parking gods.

37
00:01:54,509 --> 00:01:55,921
The only god you believe in.

38
00:01:55,946 --> 00:01:59,531
Not true. I also
believe in the lotto god.

39
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:03,782
Son of a bitch!

40
00:02:06,953 --> 00:02:09,078
Little guy, big motorcycle.

41
00:02:09,103 --> 00:02:10,806
Tiny wiener.

42
00:02:15,781 --> 00:02:18,630
Hey, buddy, we were here first.

43
00:02:18,632 --> 00:02:20,515
You were here first.

44
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,723
You had an opportunity,
but you didn't take it.

45
00:02:22,748 --> 00:02:24,080
Lesson learned.

46
00:02:24,105 --> 00:02:26,773
Check it out, this Muppet
thinks I'm teachable.

47
00:02:26,807 --> 00:02:28,773
Miranda, you're here!

48
00:02:28,942 --> 00:02:30,835
Oh, Jill!

49
00:02:30,899 --> 00:02:32,984
- You know her?
- Of course.

50
00:02:33,009 --> 00:02:35,480
She's my inner strength
coach from the retreat.

51
00:02:35,482 --> 00:02:37,101
Well, she's a dick.

52
00:02:37,484 --> 00:02:40,151
Oh, you must be Bonnie.

53
00:02:40,153 --> 00:02:43,308
Many people have heard
of me; you're not special.

54
00:02:43,488 --> 00:02:45,657
Thank you so much for coming.

55
00:02:45,659 --> 00:02:48,894
When one of my little lost
bunnies calls me, I'm here.

56
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,503
Energy hug.

57
00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:56,334
I'd like to stay and
mock whatever this is,

58
00:02:56,336 --> 00:02:57,626
but we still got to park.

59
00:02:57,651 --> 00:03:00,032
Ah. Try around the corner.
I'll save you a seat.

60
00:03:00,235 --> 00:03:03,425
Hey, Bonnie, remember, see
the space, take the space.

61
00:03:03,427 --> 00:03:05,743
Hey, see my foot, watch your ass.

62
00:03:13,641 --> 00:03:17,587
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

63
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:24,148
Oh, my God, just having
you here, I feel safer.

64
00:03:24,173 --> 00:03:26,540
I think the donut dreams
are finally gonna stop.

65
00:03:26,565 --> 00:03:29,852
Jill, the only person that
can make you feel safe is you.

66
00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:31,943
What about a fireman?

67
00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:34,020
They always make me feel safe.

68
00:03:34,601 --> 00:03:37,118
Except when you fool around with
one of them in the supply closet

69
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,649
and the next time they
bring in a burn victim,

70
00:03:38,674 --> 00:03:40,474
it's all, "Do I know you?"

71
00:03:41,694 --> 00:03:43,611
And how does that make you feel?

72
00:03:43,636 --> 00:03:44,835
I'm used to it.

73
00:03:44,860 --> 00:03:46,526
Wendy, it's okay to be angry.

74
00:03:46,572 --> 00:03:48,431
You have a voice and we need to hear it.

75
00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:52,209
- Okay.
- Try this.

76
00:03:52,211 --> 00:03:53,961
I will be heard!

77
00:03:55,016 --> 00:03:57,266
I will be heard.

78
00:03:57,875 --> 00:04:00,959
Wow, she actually got quieter.

79
00:04:03,005 --> 00:04:06,006
Turns out the closest spot
was the Home Depot parking lot,

80
00:04:06,008 --> 00:04:07,675
three-quarters of a mile away.

81
00:04:07,677 --> 00:04:10,477
I had to buy this so they don't tow me.

82
00:04:11,013 --> 00:04:12,346
So, what did I miss?

83
00:04:12,743 --> 00:04:15,099
Miranda is helping Wendy find her voice.

84
00:04:15,101 --> 00:04:17,267
You sure that's a
fuse you want to light?

85
00:04:17,269 --> 00:04:18,936
Hey, back off!

86
00:04:19,988 --> 00:04:21,537
There's Wendy the Lion.

87
00:04:21,657 --> 00:04:23,407
All right, give me the hammer.

88
00:04:23,409 --> 00:04:25,693
Yeah. That's probably smart.

89
00:04:26,189 --> 00:04:27,690
So, Miranda, tell us,

90
00:04:27,715 --> 00:04:29,595
what exactly do you do at the retreat?

91
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:31,202
Oh, it's simple, really.

92
00:04:31,322 --> 00:04:34,290
Everyone has an untapped
reservoir of strength,

93
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:37,016
and it's my calling to help
them frack their way into it.

94
00:04:37,041 --> 00:04:38,688
Frack.

95
00:04:39,215 --> 00:04:41,182
That's wonderful.

96
00:04:41,938 --> 00:04:43,563
This woman saved me.

97
00:04:43,565 --> 00:04:45,264
I'd been at the retreat for three weeks

98
00:04:45,266 --> 00:04:47,516
and only lost half a pound
when Miranda looked me

99
00:04:47,518 --> 00:04:48,935
straight in the eyes and said...

100
00:04:48,937 --> 00:04:50,269
I see you.

101
00:04:50,271 --> 00:04:52,021
- You do, don't you?
- Yeah.

102
00:04:53,229 --> 00:04:55,408
She stood by my side
for the next 12 weeks,

103
00:04:55,410 --> 00:04:56,885
and bam, look what happened.

104
00:04:56,910 --> 00:04:59,018
I'm back to being the hottest one here.

105
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,479
Jill, we talked about this.

106
00:05:01,645 --> 00:05:03,096
Sorry.

107
00:05:03,239 --> 00:05:06,378
Everyone's beautiful in
their own peculiar way.

108
00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:11,122
- Better.
- How is that better?

109
00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:13,459
It's important for you to remember

110
00:05:13,461 --> 00:05:15,880
that you had the power
to change all along.

111
00:05:15,905 --> 00:05:18,047
I've been obsessing over
German chocolate cake

112
00:05:18,049 --> 00:05:19,632
with cream cheese frosting

113
00:05:19,634 --> 00:05:21,505
and how it would solve all my problems.

114
00:05:21,719 --> 00:05:24,857
Get out of your problems,
get into your power.

115
00:05:25,607 --> 00:05:28,051
I think I could do that
better back at the retreat.

116
00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:30,359
Aw, would that mean
Miranda has to leave?

117
00:05:30,361 --> 00:05:31,848
Oh, well, off you go.

118
00:05:32,094 --> 00:05:33,754
Jill, no.

119
00:05:33,779 --> 00:05:35,793
The Mindful Cactus is a wonderful place,

120
00:05:35,818 --> 00:05:38,481
but you need to learn to
live in the real world.

121
00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:42,278
And in the real world, cake happens.

122
00:05:43,262 --> 00:05:45,374
So I can have some?

123
00:05:45,376 --> 00:05:47,208
In moderation, sure.

124
00:05:47,233 --> 00:05:50,329
You have the power to take a
bite and push that plate away.

125
00:05:50,619 --> 00:05:52,715
Uh, yeah, Miranda, we're not really

126
00:05:52,717 --> 00:05:54,760
a moderation bunch of gals.

127
00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:58,213
I once drank floor cleaner.

128
00:06:01,314 --> 00:06:03,330
Give me the hammer.

129
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:09,619
You got to be kidding.

130
00:06:09,644 --> 00:06:11,424
- What?
- It's 4:30.

131
00:06:11,449 --> 00:06:13,816
- Don't you have class?
- Why bother?

132
00:06:14,105 --> 00:06:17,216
The world doesn't need another
college-educated waitress.

133
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:19,492
"Let me tell you today's specials

134
00:06:19,494 --> 00:06:22,545
and the difference between
Emily and Charlotte Bronte."

135
00:06:23,220 --> 00:06:25,138
Are those your teachers?

136
00:06:26,794 --> 00:06:28,631
Yes.

137
00:06:29,277 --> 00:06:30,526
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

138
00:06:31,061 --> 00:06:32,649
All of my eggs were

139
00:06:32,674 --> 00:06:35,374
in this law school basket,
and I just dropped the basket.

140
00:06:35,677 --> 00:06:38,177
And that's why you don't put
all your eggs in one basket.

141
00:06:38,202 --> 00:06:39,693
I just got that.

142
00:06:40,787 --> 00:06:44,826
- Maybe I need a Miranda.
- Hey, I'm your Miranda.

143
00:06:44,851 --> 00:06:47,068
Now snap out of it!

144
00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:52,219
Oh, look, there's that
meatball I dropped last night.

145
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,229
Jill, you want to put
away your Elf on the Shelf

146
00:06:57,231 --> 00:06:58,814
and help me clean up here?

147
00:06:58,816 --> 00:07:00,068
Careful, Bonnie.

148
00:07:00,093 --> 00:07:02,795
I'll have Santa put you 
on the naughty list.

149
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,566
I'll be right there.

150
00:07:04,834 --> 00:07:06,072
Talk to me, honey.

151
00:07:06,074 --> 00:07:08,209
It's the damn cookie table.

152
00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:10,131
It's my turn to clean it,
but I'm afraid I'm gonna

153
00:07:10,156 --> 00:07:12,256
unhinge my jaw and
clean it with my mouth.

154
00:07:12,630 --> 00:07:16,209
Jill, do you know why I
started riding a motorcycle?

155
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:19,534
Because I used to be afraid
of them, but I'm not anymore.

156
00:07:19,644 --> 00:07:21,470
You're right.

157
00:07:21,472 --> 00:07:23,370
- I need to face my fears.
- Come on.

158
00:07:23,395 --> 00:07:26,003
- Let's do it together.
- Okay.

159
00:07:26,688 --> 00:07:29,639
Oh, good God, where'd
those brownies come from?

160
00:07:29,813 --> 00:07:31,946
Relax, Jill. Marjorie made them.

161
00:07:31,971 --> 00:07:34,167
Hockey pucks with nuts.

162
00:07:34,852 --> 00:07:37,686
Just because things aren't
working out the way you want

163
00:07:37,688 --> 00:07:39,081
doesn't mean they aren't working out.

164
00:07:39,106 --> 00:07:40,890
You just got to have faith.

165
00:07:41,109 --> 00:07:44,193
I do. I believe with all my heart

166
00:07:44,195 --> 00:07:46,362
that my life is gonna suck forever.

167
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:50,116
Hey, are you sober today?

168
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,322
Then you're a winner.

169
00:07:54,347 --> 00:07:56,915
See, you need to look
for small victories.

170
00:07:56,940 --> 00:07:59,074
Did you make your bed this morning?

171
00:07:59,707 --> 00:08:01,874
I threw the bedspread over the mess.

172
00:08:02,213 --> 00:08:04,805
I'm gonna put that in the win column.

173
00:08:04,830 --> 00:08:06,966
I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing,

174
00:08:06,968 --> 00:08:08,852
but you making your bed is not a win.

175
00:08:08,891 --> 00:08:10,140
You need to aim higher.

176
00:08:10,142 --> 00:08:11,858
Thank you, Miranda,

177
00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:14,394
but I've been helping people
work this program for 37 years.

178
00:08:14,396 --> 00:08:16,229
I think I know what I'm talking about.

179
00:08:16,231 --> 00:08:18,198
Oh, I know I'm just a guest here,

180
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,985
but I have a teeny-tiny issue
with the first step of A.A.

181
00:08:21,987 --> 00:08:23,620
Admit you're powerless?

182
00:08:23,622 --> 00:08:25,488
Why do you have to
admit you're powerless?

183
00:08:25,490 --> 00:08:28,335
Because when it comes to
alcohol, we are powerless,

184
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,910
and we need to remember that.

185
00:08:29,912 --> 00:08:31,962
It's just that I've known
y'all for a few days,

186
00:08:31,964 --> 00:08:33,508
and I don't see any powerless women.

187
00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:35,108
That's 'cause we're not drunk.

188
00:08:36,835 --> 00:08:38,718
Don't hide behind your humor.

189
00:08:39,164 --> 00:08:41,148
Then I got nothing.

190
00:08:41,641 --> 00:08:43,150
All due respect,

191
00:08:43,175 --> 00:08:46,142
I'm less interested in,
um... What do you call it?

192
00:08:46,144 --> 00:08:47,677
Your higher power,

193
00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:49,980
and more interested in your inner power.

194
00:08:49,982 --> 00:08:52,030
That's the answer to your problems.

195
00:08:52,055 --> 00:08:55,128
All due respect, you're
talking out your ass.

196
00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:57,988
See, now that's powerful.

197
00:08:57,990 --> 00:09:01,024
Christy, what's stopping
you from reaching your goals

198
00:09:01,026 --> 00:09:03,326
is all that bad energy in your life.

199
00:09:03,636 --> 00:09:05,412
I can help you get rid of it.

200
00:09:06,082 --> 00:09:08,498
If you're gonna take
out my mom, use poison.

201
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:10,785
She'll see any other weapons coming.

202
00:09:11,036 --> 00:09:12,786
All I'm saying is you need to get rid of

203
00:09:12,788 --> 00:09:14,621
all that negativity out of your system.

204
00:09:14,623 --> 00:09:18,708
If you want, I could give
you an energy cleanse.

205
00:09:18,710 --> 00:09:20,480
You'll have a whole new you.

206
00:09:21,546 --> 00:09:23,630
No offense, but I don't really think

207
00:09:23,632 --> 00:09:25,191
any of that stuff works.

208
00:09:25,464 --> 00:09:27,925
Bonnie, I said put the coffee urn away!

209
00:09:27,950 --> 00:09:29,707
Okay, sorry.

210
00:09:31,152 --> 00:09:33,352
When do we start?

211
00:09:34,226 --> 00:09:36,726
I am so glad you see
what Miranda has to offer.

212
00:09:36,728 --> 00:09:38,361
You are gonna love this.

213
00:09:38,613 --> 00:09:42,232
I hope so. I've never had
my energy cleansed before.

214
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:44,339
It's probably pretty crusty.

215
00:09:44,364 --> 00:09:46,820
Hello!

216
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,624
Hello.

217
00:09:50,626 --> 00:09:52,542
Only she does that.

218
00:09:52,544 --> 00:09:54,587
Oh. Sorry.

219
00:09:55,321 --> 00:09:58,274
Are you ready to go on
a little journey to you?

220
00:09:59,485 --> 00:10:00,978
I guess.

221
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:04,220
Okay, I'm gonna see
you on the other side.

222
00:10:04,222 --> 00:10:05,555
The other side?

223
00:10:05,557 --> 00:10:07,340
The kitchen.

224
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,927
All right, sweetie, I
want you to lie down.

225
00:10:10,929 --> 00:10:12,766
Close your eyes.

226
00:10:14,188 --> 00:10:15,432
Free your mind.

227
00:10:15,434 --> 00:10:21,521
Imagine yourself floating
in a deep, warm river.

228
00:10:24,508 --> 00:10:27,414
Oh!

229
00:10:28,126 --> 00:10:30,613
Sorry, I was clearing my pathway.

230
00:10:30,974 --> 00:10:34,810
Okay, but you really
should warn a person.

231
00:10:36,431 --> 00:10:38,848
I'm going to go into a
little bit of a trance.

232
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,293
I don't know what's going to happen

233
00:10:43,295 --> 00:10:45,462
because every experience is unique.

234
00:10:45,464 --> 00:10:47,297
I'll be processing your energy,

235
00:10:47,299 --> 00:10:49,887
and I may or may not have
visions along the way.

236
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:51,702
We'll see.

237
00:10:51,908 --> 00:10:54,659
Permission to enter your energy space?

238
00:10:56,224 --> 00:10:58,024
I'm gonna need a verbal "yes."

239
00:10:59,121 --> 00:11:01,144
Yes.

240
00:11:20,665 --> 00:11:23,083
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, what was that?

241
00:11:23,085 --> 00:11:25,752
Uh, that's a huge clump of bad energy.

242
00:11:25,754 --> 00:11:27,379
I'm going to throw it away.

243
00:11:45,524 --> 00:11:48,948
Let me guess, that was my childhood.

244
00:11:51,675 --> 00:11:55,001
I'm serious. 24 hours later,
I still feel like I'm high.

245
00:11:55,026 --> 00:11:56,358
Clean energy is incredible.

246
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,538
Settle down, Al Gore.

247
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:02,731
That's so nice that you're
working with Miranda, too.

248
00:12:02,733 --> 00:12:04,783
After she got rid of
Christy's negative energy,

249
00:12:04,785 --> 00:12:07,088
my living room smelled like sulfur.

250
00:12:07,956 --> 00:12:10,501
I don't know what she did, but
I am a different person now.

251
00:12:10,526 --> 00:12:12,575
- A better person.
- If only.

252
00:12:13,487 --> 00:12:15,985
I don't think Miranda
made you a better person.

253
00:12:16,010 --> 00:12:18,464
I'm guessing the program
had a lot more to do with it.

254
00:12:18,466 --> 00:12:20,276
Oh, sure, sure, sure.

255
00:12:20,301 --> 00:12:23,729
But I hit a wall, and Miranda's
helping me break through.

256
00:12:24,229 --> 00:12:27,173
Okay. Just one last thing I'm gonna say.

257
00:12:27,175 --> 00:12:28,841
Again, if only.

258
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:32,761
Just want to remind you
there are no quick fixes.

259
00:12:33,146 --> 00:12:36,898
I don't know. This was pretty
quick and I feel pretty fixed.

260
00:12:37,685 --> 00:12:40,102
Miranda told me I have limitless power.

261
00:12:40,307 --> 00:12:43,475
And so now I am recommitting to
my dream of going to law school.

262
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,409
How?

263
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,604
Sorry.

264
00:12:50,784 --> 00:12:52,548
I'm gonna go see the admissions people,

265
00:12:52,573 --> 00:12:54,033
and I'm gonna change their minds.

266
00:12:54,870 --> 00:12:58,782
Oh. I believe I also suggested
you do some follow-up,

267
00:12:58,807 --> 00:13:02,374
but maybe you needed to
hear it in a squeaky voice.

268
00:13:03,042 --> 00:13:06,679
All I can say is that cleanse was
the best 500 bucks I've ever spent.

269
00:13:06,681 --> 00:13:09,682
What?

270
00:13:09,684 --> 00:13:11,717
You don't have that kind
of money to throw around.

271
00:13:11,719 --> 00:13:13,852
And if you do, where
have you been hiding it?

272
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:16,722
- I put it on my credit card.
- You don't have a credit card.

273
00:13:16,724 --> 00:13:19,024
And if you do, where
have you been hiding it?

274
00:13:19,518 --> 00:13:22,061
Miranda said she'd
love to do it for free,

275
00:13:22,063 --> 00:13:24,647
but the universe needs to
know a sacrifice has been made.

276
00:13:24,649 --> 00:13:27,534
And you bought that? When
did you become a boob?

277
00:13:28,737 --> 00:13:30,186
Hey, what's that say about me?

278
00:13:30,188 --> 00:13:31,688
Well, you can afford to be a boob.

279
00:13:31,690 --> 00:13:33,534
Back me up here, loudmouth.

280
00:13:33,836 --> 00:13:36,036
Bonnie's right.

281
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:43,283
Namo amitabha, namo 
amitabha, namo amitabha.

282
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:44,918
Hello, Bonnie.

283
00:13:46,073 --> 00:13:47,598
How did you know it was me?

284
00:13:47,838 --> 00:13:50,123
The temperature changed,
the energy shifted,

285
00:13:50,125 --> 00:13:52,573
and your car backfired in the driveway.

286
00:13:53,368 --> 00:13:56,012
- Were you looking for Jill?
- Looking for you.

287
00:13:56,014 --> 00:13:58,898
Look, I don't care if you're
dipping into Jill's Botox fund,

288
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,017
but when you start taking
money from my daughter,

289
00:14:01,019 --> 00:14:03,736
who's barely scraping by,
that's when you hear from me.

290
00:14:03,738 --> 00:14:07,740
- Oh, Bonnie, who hurt you?
- Don't even try.

291
00:14:07,742 --> 00:14:09,325
No, seriously, I want to know.

292
00:14:09,327 --> 00:14:11,361
And I got to tell
you, I respect the fact

293
00:14:11,363 --> 00:14:12,651
that you're protecting your daughter,

294
00:14:12,676 --> 00:14:15,782
because I sense you were
not protected by your mother.

295
00:14:16,112 --> 00:14:18,117
Well, who told you that? Jill?

296
00:14:18,401 --> 00:14:20,537
You did, just now, with your eyes.

297
00:14:20,539 --> 00:14:22,505
What kind of carny hustle is this?

298
00:14:22,507 --> 00:14:24,457
What, are you gonna
guess my cholesterol next?

299
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:26,342
It's too high to joke about.

300
00:14:26,344 --> 00:14:29,252
Look, you may not believe in what I do,

301
00:14:29,409 --> 00:14:31,798
but that doesn't change the
fact that I care about you.

302
00:14:32,558 --> 00:14:34,861
You don't even know me.
Why would you care about me?

303
00:14:34,886 --> 00:14:37,437
Exactly. You have a hard time believing

304
00:14:37,439 --> 00:14:41,474
someone can care about you
because you were abandoned.

305
00:14:42,002 --> 00:14:44,477
Uh, I'm here to talk about Christy.

306
00:14:44,479 --> 00:14:46,312
And it's not your fault
your mother left you.

307
00:14:46,314 --> 00:14:48,831
You were just a baby.
Babies are pure, they're perfect.

308
00:14:48,856 --> 00:14:51,094
You... sh-shut up!

309
00:14:51,948 --> 00:14:54,754
Oh. There is a perfect
baby inside of you.

310
00:14:54,756 --> 00:14:57,573
- I am not falling for this.
- Baby Bonnie!

311
00:14:59,469 --> 00:15:02,206
Oh, God, you-you smell like cookies.

312
00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:08,284
Come, lie down. Let
me take away your pain.

313
00:15:08,286 --> 00:15:10,003
- I'm not sure I...
- On the house.

314
00:15:10,005 --> 00:15:12,205
Face up or face down?

315
00:15:20,932 --> 00:15:23,883
Just checking in. It's
been a couple hours.

316
00:15:24,088 --> 00:15:26,886
Any chance the admissions
director is gonna see me?

317
00:15:26,888 --> 00:15:29,556
I told you before, you
should've made an appointment.

318
00:15:29,953 --> 00:15:33,443
Normally I would've, but it was
recently brought to my attention

319
00:15:33,445 --> 00:15:35,391
that I have limitless power.

320
00:15:37,259 --> 00:15:39,070
You don't.

321
00:15:45,624 --> 00:15:47,740
Alice, I blanked on Frank's birthday.

322
00:15:47,742 --> 00:15:50,743
Get me a reservation
somewhere fantastic tonight.

323
00:15:50,745 --> 00:15:52,912
Of course, no problem.

324
00:15:52,914 --> 00:15:55,048
I'm screwed.

325
00:15:56,047 --> 00:15:58,468
Wow, 5:00.

326
00:15:58,470 --> 00:16:00,670
Every restaurant in
town's gonna be full.

327
00:16:00,672 --> 00:16:02,125
Thanks.

328
00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:04,340
Are you familiar with the Rustic Fig?

329
00:16:04,342 --> 00:16:06,476
Yeah, but they're booked
a month in advance.

330
00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:09,395
Unless you know someone
who has the limitless power

331
00:16:09,397 --> 00:16:11,219
of a waitress.

332
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,297
What is happening to me?!

333
00:16:21,125 --> 00:16:23,576
I opened you up.

334
00:16:23,578 --> 00:16:26,250
Well, snap me shut!

335
00:16:26,624 --> 00:16:28,374
You'll be okay.

336
00:16:28,399 --> 00:16:30,560
I just wouldn't make any
important life decisions

337
00:16:30,585 --> 00:16:32,535
for, say, 36 hours,

338
00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:35,622
and I would avoid operating
any heavy equipment.

339
00:16:35,624 --> 00:16:39,258
But what if I have to drive a backhoe?

340
00:16:39,719 --> 00:16:41,844
Good, you're already thinking big.

341
00:16:41,846 --> 00:16:44,130
Miranda, I did it!

342
00:16:44,132 --> 00:16:47,100
I baked a batch of cookies
and only ate half of one!

343
00:16:47,102 --> 00:16:48,134
Breakthrough!

344
00:16:49,706 --> 00:16:52,173
Wait for me!

345
00:16:55,810 --> 00:16:57,193
I have amazing news.

346
00:16:57,195 --> 00:16:58,861
Me, too.

347
00:16:58,863 --> 00:17:00,947
What happened?

348
00:17:00,949 --> 00:17:04,173
Miranda fracked me pretty good.

349
00:17:04,402 --> 00:17:05,952
Isn't she incredible?

350
00:17:05,954 --> 00:17:08,821
She is. What's your news?

351
00:17:09,210 --> 00:17:11,324
I went to see the head of
admissions, stated my case,

352
00:17:11,326 --> 00:17:13,292
and she told me I was on the bubble.

353
00:17:13,294 --> 00:17:14,377
They almost accepted me.

354
00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:16,045
If I bump my LSAT scores up a notch,

355
00:17:16,047 --> 00:17:17,463
she'll find a place for me next year.

356
00:17:17,465 --> 00:17:20,416
Oh, baby!

357
00:17:20,418 --> 00:17:22,301
Tell me again what the LSAT is.

358
00:17:22,303 --> 00:17:23,836
The big lawyer test, Mom.

359
00:17:23,838 --> 00:17:26,839
I thought that was the bar exam!

360
00:17:26,841 --> 00:17:28,808
That's the other big lawyer test.

361
00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:30,760
Can I please finish my story?

362
00:17:30,762 --> 00:17:33,229
I'm sorry. I've always interrupted you.

363
00:17:33,231 --> 00:17:37,614
- It's okay, Mom. Sometimes you just...
- It's not o... When will I stop?!

364
00:17:43,411 --> 00:17:45,775
- Hello?
- Christy, it's Miranda.

365
00:17:45,777 --> 00:17:47,360
Hey, you are not gonna believe

366
00:17:47,362 --> 00:17:49,412
what happened to me, and
it's all thanks to you.

367
00:17:49,414 --> 00:17:51,864
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had the
power within you the whole time.

368
00:17:51,866 --> 00:17:54,417
Listen, we got a bit of
a situation over here.

369
00:17:55,059 --> 00:17:58,421
I went out for a hike, I came
back, and I found her like this.

370
00:17:58,423 --> 00:18:00,423
Oh, my God. What happened?

371
00:18:00,425 --> 00:18:02,542
I was working with her on moderation.

372
00:18:02,544 --> 00:18:05,178
I convinced her she could
eat half a cookie, then stop.

373
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:06,713
- So she tried it with booze.
- Yeah.

374
00:18:06,715 --> 00:18:08,715
I messed up.

375
00:18:08,951 --> 00:18:11,117
Don't worry, honey, we're here.

376
00:18:17,255 --> 00:18:19,672
I can't believe I threw
away all that time.

377
00:18:19,674 --> 00:18:21,466
I'm so stupid.

378
00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:24,426
You're not stupid; you're an alcoholic.

379
00:18:24,653 --> 00:18:25,961
I'm really sorry, Jill.

380
00:18:25,963 --> 00:18:27,942
Not your fault, Miranda.

381
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:31,033
You can't make someone get sober
and you can't make them drink.

382
00:18:32,012 --> 00:18:33,602
Marjorie?

383
00:18:33,604 --> 00:18:34,803
Yes, honey?

384
00:18:34,805 --> 00:18:36,555
Half a cookie doesn't work.

385
00:18:36,557 --> 00:18:37,890
Not for you, sweetie.

386
00:18:38,614 --> 00:18:41,489
None of us are half a cookie people.

387
00:18:41,514 --> 00:18:43,896
Even though I really want to be.

388
00:18:43,898 --> 00:18:46,403
Oh, pipe down. It's not about you!

389
00:18:46,479 --> 00:18:49,146
Marjorie, Wendy's being mean to me.

390
00:18:50,655 --> 00:18:53,656
Okay, this may be your fault.

391
00:18:55,095 --> 00:18:58,677
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --