- Previously on Mom... - I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.
- ALL: Hi, Bon... - Bonnie Plunkett?!
- You ruined my life! - (screams)
You got me kicked out of that house.
No, no, you got kicked out because
you stole our foster father's wallet.
No, you stole his wallet and planted it
- in my book bag. - Oh, yeah.
I went to the prison officials and explained
your attack on me was totally justified.
- Do you still draw? - What?
You used to draw all those crazy snakes everywhere.
Remember I drew one on the neck of that
crazy redheaded guy when he was asleep?
- What was his name? - I don't remember. Man, he was psycho.
- Good in bed, though. - Yeah, he was.
♪♪
Sorry I'm late.
I got everything on your list, so if the guards tell you
there were no Skittles, then your conspiracy theory
becomes cold, hard fact.
Don't need 'em, don't care.
I'm getting out of this place.
You're escaping? Are you using my plan?
I swear, it'll work.
No, I got parole.
How? I mean, great!
Yeah. Yeah, fourth time's the charm.
Turns out, you throw enough Bible quotes at them,
and who punched who during what riot just fades away.
Well, hallelujah.
That's fantastic news.
Yeah, and none of it would've happened without you.
- Me? - Yeah. Before you came back in my life,
I had no idea people like us could change,
but then I look at you and the life
you've built for yourself, and it gives me hope.
You're my role model.
Oh, damn it, why is Marjorie never around
when I'm being praised?
So, uh, what's the deal? When do you get out?
Next Wednesday, 4:00 a.m.
The big gate opens, I get my pocketknife back,
and the shuttle takes me to the halfway house.
- 4:00 a.m.? - Yeah, they save a breakfast that way.
Oh.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Crazy idea:
What if instead of the halfway house,
I pick you up and you come live with me?
Really?
H-How can I be a role model
if you're not around to see me work my magic?
You better not be messing with me,
because I would totally love that.
This is a decision that should probably
take some thought, but let's do it.
Man, I would hug you if there wasn't
bulletproof glass between us.
- Oh, come on, what the hell? - Oh, no.
I-If you knew what's been rubbed on that glass,
- you might not want to... - Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Ugh. Yeah.
- It's, uh, it's pretty moist. - Yeah.
♪♪
Listen, I have to be the first share
at the meeting tonight and then I'm splitting.
We're allowed to leave if we get bored?
You two mind if I go before you?
I'm not leaving because I'm bored.
If I catch the first half of the AA meeting,
I can catch the second half of my Gamblers Anonymous meeting
before I go home and read 300 sexy pages of property law.
May I remind you that any problem
can be an opportunity for growth.
May I remind you, most of your day is drinking tea
while sitting still.
I'm hungry.
You're eating.
I'm tired.
- Hey. - Hey. - Hey.
(whoops) 200 miles with the windows open,
I still smell like jail.
That what that is?
I thought it was Wendy's soup.
Oh, I thought it was your spray tan.
MARJORIE: So...
- How is Tammy doing? - She's getting out.
You're kidding; that's great.
Yeah, good for her.
You know what's even better for her? Me.
Challenge.
Accepted.
Turns out she looks up to me.
She says she wouldn't even be getting out
if it weren't for the positive impact I've had on her life.
To be fair, she wouldn't have been in there if it weren't
for the "positive impact" you had on her life.
Oh, roasted and toasted.
Do you want to hear my story or not?
Can you skip the part about you?
Ooh! Wendy with the three-pointer.
Instead of landing in a halfway house,
Tammy's gonna live with me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Me," as in us? 'Cause "us" includes me.
Yeah. I mean, what kind of person would I be
if I left her on her own?
Well, the kind of person you usually are.
If you high-five one more person,
I'm gonna poke you right in the boob.
I'm actually fine with you bringing her home.
Really? Because I spent the whole drive over here
fighting with you in my head about this.
I will never get over the things you said.
Mom, I get it. You're being of service.
Which is what the program tells us to do.
But I want to be perfectly clear.
She's your responsibility.
You feed her, you walk her,
you clean up after her.
Understood. You won't have to do a thing; I got this.
I'm sure you don't. But let's crash forward anyway.
Ooh, y'all gonna be living with a felon.
You better hide all your expensive st...
Never mind.
- Morning. - Hey.
Man, your mom blew out of here in the middle of the night.
Yeah, I heard her trip over the metal chair in the courtyard.
Hard to believe she was once a burglar.
So, tell me about Tammy. What am I in for?
Huge, pushy, loose cannon...
Well-intentioned, but a little scary.
So, in other words, Bonnie.
Yeah, but fresh out of the cage.
Yikes. Permission to get high?
Granted.
- (loud clatter outside) - BONNIE: Damn!
Who the hell left a chair tipped over
in the middle of the courtyard?!
Here we are. Welcome to our humble abode.
- Dog! - Tammy!
Come back; he's harmless.
Sorry, uh, dogs and me have never been
on the same page. Uh...
Don't worry; he loves everybody.
Uh, lot of challenges today; just power through.
(clears throat) Hi, I'm Tammy.
- Adam. - Oh, the touch of a man.
(gasps) Sorry.
Sorry, that one just snuck up on me. (laughs)
Hey, Christy.
- Hi, Tammy, welcome. - Uh, so, give me the tour.
Well, this is the part we're proud of.
Oh. You should be.
I mean, you got furniture, a TV.
I can stretch my arms out and not touch the walls.
Okay, bathroom's over here, couch pulls out,
and you're welcome to anything in the fridge.
The rice in the Tupperware is for the dog, just know that.
Super cool of you guys to let me stay here.
- Bring it in, Big Sauce. - Ah.
- (grunting) - Oh!
Sh-She, she calls me Big Sauce.
Well, I'm off to law school.
Wait, you're in law school?
That's right, Tammy. I can be inspiring, too.
Okay. So, you want to unpack your, uh, suitcase?
Nah, it's just a toothbrush and a catsuit
that doesn't fit me anymore.
Hey, were you serious about the fridge?
- Anything you want. - Awesome. Thank you.
Friend.
Friend. F-Friend.
So?
I like her. She's got a lot of energy.
Well, she's a little overexcited right now; she'll calm down.
TAMMY: Whoa, what the hell's coconut water?!
Wait till she spots the almond milk.
TAMMY: Oh, my God!
I just can't believe a dead pet comes back in my dream
and has nothing to say to me.
I also had a sex dream about the parking guy at Neiman's.
I forgot to get my ticket validated
and it just went on from there.
Anyway.
Desperate for sex, miss my dog, grateful to be sober, thanks.
Okay, who else would like to share?
- Get in there, kid. - Oh, okay, sure.
Hey, uh, Tammy, alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Tammy.
Wow, I just... I can't believe
I'm sitting here out in the world,
living in a really nice place thanks to this
Wonder Woman right here. Is it okay that I say that?
- It's your share. - Okay.
Uh, anyway.
I got sober in prison, so, uh, doing the program
on the outside's a little scary.
There's so many new ways to get wasted now.
I mean, cotton candy-flavored vodka?
Where were you when I was sad, right?
Anyway, I got to get phone, I got to get a job...
Hell, I got to get pants.
But, again, you know, thank God I have a friend here
who's got my back. P.S. I have hers, too.
So that's your warning. I'm serious.
I'm giving each and every one of you the eye.
You... Tammy.
- It-It's okay. - Oh, sorry. Prison. (laughs)
(sighs)
I'm just really grateful to be sober.
And I'd love to tongue kiss whoever made these cookies.
No.
You don't even know what I was gonna ask.
I'm pretty sure I do.
I didn't get to bed till 3:00 a.m., so, no.
- 3:00 a.m.? - (groans)
Tammy's a talker.
And a crier.
And a laugher.
And then a talker again.
Sorry you had a rough night.
(sighs): No, no.
It's good.
(yawning): 'Cause when you're doing good things
in the world, it's... mm... good.
Mm. Hmm.
- Great, you're up. Oh, hey, Adam. - (screams)
- How are you today? - Uh...
Pillow makes his hair kind of fluffy.
Hey, I wanted to make you breakfast,
but I wasn't sure if you like eggs, you like bacon...
Damn it! Everyone likes bacon.
- Think it through, Tammy! - It's okay.
I'm just gonna pop into the bathroom for a second.
Roger that, boss.
So what's on the agenda for today?
'Cause anything is okay with me.
I mean, there's so many places I haven't been in seven years.
The beach, the park, Denny's.
You can't beat a menu with pictures.
Hey, I know I got to get started looking for a job,
but then I thought, "Oh, come on, Tammy.
Give yourself half a day."
(toilet flushes)
I'm a much better planner after coffee.
Oh, shoot! I was gonna make you coffee,
but you got that flimsy top loader there,
and I'm used to making coffee for 200 women.
Hey, I found this in your couch.
Hope it's okay I'm using it.
Water goes in there. Got it.
- Morning. - Hey, Spoonful.
Your mom's showing me how to make coffee.
Yeah, making coffee's the one thing she can do
before she has coffee.
Hey, maybe Spoonful can walk you through this
while I go grab a shower.
Love to, but got to get to school.
Plus, the way you make coffee is so...
inspirational and super role modely.
Smug is not a good color on you.
Yes, it is.
Have a great day, Christy!
(whirring) - Whoa! - (barking)
(shrieks) Take her.
Hello. Can I help you?
I'm looking for Tammy Diffendorf.
- You a friend of hers? - I'm her parole officer,
here for an inspection.
I don't think she knows you're coming.
Yeah, that's kind of the idea.
Uh, right. That door there.
- Oh. Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
(knocking)
(glass breaking)
- (door slams shut) - Hey!
- Where's your shadow? - (scoffs)
Two stories and a glass of water,
but I finally got her down.
What did you guys do today?
You know that geyser in Calistoga we've never seen?
Well, I've seen it, and you don't need to.
Is Big Sauce having second thoughts?
Not at all.
Tammy is a delight, and I will see you in the morning.
Hold up. Where do you think you're going?
- Adam's. - Oh, no, no. No, no, you are not.
What's the big deal? I want to be with my fiancé.
- Why can't he sleep here? - He can.
He just finds it difficult living under Tammy's parole restrictions, and...
He can't get high.
I don't care! You are not leaving me alone with her!
You promised that she would be your responsibility.
But I miss Adam.
Well, you should have thought of that before...
(Tammy screaming)
- No! - Tammy!
Tammy, wake up!
(groaning)
Tammy, it's me, Big Sauce!
- Oh! - Whoa!
- So close. - TAMMY: What?
What happened?
You were having a bad dream.
(sighs) No.
That was a night terror.
I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention I get night terrors?
It's okay, Tammy.
My mom is here for you.
Good night.
Will you read me Goodnight Moon again?
I would have been okay at a Goodwill.
We didn't have to go fancy.
When you can buy tires
at the same place you're buying clothes, it's not that fancy.
- You just need some basics. - Mm.
Well, as long as they got a little zing to 'em.
I want to start dating ASAP.
How about we focus on an outfit for a job interview?
See, that's why I need you.
Here I am, craving a hairy back I can scratch up,
and you got your eye on the big picture.
Okay, let's start you off with some jeans.
Everyone needs a solid pair of those. What's your style?
- Oh, I don't really know. - Okay, well, you got
the boot cut, the boyfriend cut, the low-rise, the high-rise.
Personally, I like a nice jegging.
What the hell's a "jegging"?
They're leggings that look like jeans.
Well, what are you saying? Can't I just have blue?
Well, sure. You want the stonewashed, prewashed, vintage?
- Oh, my God, stop. - What's wrong?
You're just... you're coming at me with a lot of stuff.
I mean, for the last seven years,
I've worn nothing but prison sweats.
Well, great. Let's go check out some sweats.
Why would I want sweats?! That's all I've been wearing
for seven years. Haven't you been listening?!
Tammy, it's okay. Take a breath.
(wheezing) I'm trying. Can't. Can't breathe.
Too many damn choices!
Are you ladies finding everything okay?
- We're fine. - I'm not.
Well, if you don't see anything you like,
we've got more choices in the back.
No more choices! I make bad choices.
That's how I ended up in prison!
Why is everyone staring at me?
Stop looking at me. Don't look at me!
Oh, my God, this is so soft.
Do you have it in my size?
They're called night terrors.
She has them all the time.
Last night, she actually got a lock of my mom's hair.
Poor Bonnie.
Are you kidding me?
This is the greatest payback in the history of the universe.
I finally believe in God.
Ooh, buckle up.
Here comes 12 feet of scary.
- Ah. Look at you, Tammy. - Ooh.
- Yeah, you look very nice. - Thanks. I picked 'em out myself.
- So shopping was a success. - We got out alive.
- What happened? - Oh, I totally freaked out
and punched a mannequin, but after some deep breaths
and a trip to Color Me Mine with Big Sauce here, I calmed down.
Your mugs are all on the way.
Well, you just got out of prison.
It's a big adjustment.
I remember when I first got out, took me a few months
to take a shower without bringing a knife.
See? Knife in the shower.
It's a muscle memory.
We had a little Bates Motel incident this morning.
Hey, put me down for a Denver omelet.
- I got to hit the can. - Tammy?
- The knife. - Right, right, right.
We were just talking about it.
Be better, Tammy.
I am so proud of you.
You're doing a wonderful thing.
Yeah, I'm seeing you in a whole new light.
I got to get rid of her.
Yeah, I told you she wouldn't last more than two days.
You all owe me five bucks.
I can't do this.
I feel like one of those people who brings in a dog
and realizes it's a coyote.
Bonnie, a person just out of prison is gonna be a challenge.
Yeah, I know that now, Marge.
The worst part is, this was my idea.
She was all set to go to a halfway house
where they probably have some vague notion what they're doing,
but I had to open my big, generous mouth. Uh.
Why couldn't you just tell me "no"?
You're usually so good at that.
I was trying to be supportive. It'll never happen again.
So, who's gonna tell her she's got to go? Christy?
Marjorie? Christy?
Oh, no, if she's gonna be driven out to the country
and left in a field, you're doing it.
Fine.
I just have to wait for the right moment when she's happy
and there's plenty of people around.
But not us, right?
How sweet is a dumper with a door?
(whispers)
- There you are! - I wasn't hiding.
Man, I just cannot get used
to this having no structure, you know?
Nobody telling me where to be, what to do,
when to go outside for an hour.
Yeah, that's a tricky one. (sniffles)
You think it might help if maybe... I don't know...
You were in a more structured environment?
Maybe around people who were going through
what you're going through?
No, I got you.
Sure, sure.
So, what's the problem there?
Oh. Not a clue. I know it's leaking.
I'm just taking it apart looking
for something with a crack in it.
- Hand me that wrench. - Why?
- I want to take a shot at it. - Oh. Sure, yeah. Knock yourself out.
All right. (groans)
- (sighs) - You know, Tammy,
people are a lot like washing machines.
When they're broken, they need to go
to a special place for broken machines.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I just don't think...
- There you go. - What?
The fill hose was loose. I tightened her back up.
- Wait. It's fixed? - As good as new.
I mean, for a piece of junk that's 20 years old.
How did you know how to do that?
Oh, God, are you kidding me? I was locked up for seven years.
I took building maintenance, electrical, plumbing, carpentry.
Every time I signed up for cosmetology, it was full,
so I can't cut your hair.
But I can Sheetrock like a son of a bitch.
Huh.
Hot damn, it feels good to finally do something for you.
Huh.
♪ Do, do-do-do, do, do ♪
♪ Dah, Dee, Dee, bee, badoop-boo. ♪
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm almost afraid to ask.
Did you talk to Tammy?
Oh, I started to, but you know,
it's really only been a couple of days.
I mean, is it tough? Yes.
Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.
But is it worth it?
I think we both know the answer to that.
Hey, I re-keyed the lock on 2A,
and fixed the blind guy's air conditioner.
Now I got to started on the floodlights.
But I might need a ride to the hardware store
to pick up some Romex and conduit.
I don't know what any of that is, but you got it.
Great. I'm just gonna grab a coconut water.
Leave me alone. It's a win-win.
(Tammy yelling)
That's your cue, Big Sauce.
Oh. (groaning)
(water shooting, Tammy yelling)
BONNIE: Christy, help! I got too close!
- Ow! - Be right there.
(muffled yelling and groaning)
Christy, help!