1 00:00:01,303 --> 00:00:03,489 Hey. How's my little buddy doing? 2 00:00:03,514 --> 00:00:06,431 Well, he's still got that goop in his eye, but otherwise, fine. 3 00:00:07,209 --> 00:00:09,411 I meant Tammy. I miss her. 4 00:00:09,436 --> 00:00:11,820 Oh, please. You miss her doing your job for you. 5 00:00:11,855 --> 00:00:14,155 Yeah, exactly. So when do I get her back? 6 00:00:14,365 --> 00:00:16,691 Sorry, babe, Tammy's really helping me get things ready 7 00:00:16,743 --> 00:00:19,444 - for our grand opening. - Isn't she a beaut? 8 00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:21,830 Hold on a second, Bon... 9 00:00:21,865 --> 00:00:23,498 Hey, really nice. 10 00:00:24,475 --> 00:00:25,662 I'll be in the men's room. 11 00:00:25,687 --> 00:00:26,959 Good choice. Oh, hey. 12 00:00:26,984 --> 00:00:28,240 You looking for high arc, 13 00:00:28,265 --> 00:00:30,341 low arc, straight shot? 14 00:00:32,138 --> 00:00:35,912 - Your call. - He trusts me. Sweet! 15 00:00:36,311 --> 00:00:39,395 Oh, my God, you've got her installing toilets? 16 00:00:39,481 --> 00:00:41,084 That's so degrading. 17 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,408 Yeah. What do you need her for? 18 00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:44,576 Installing a toilet. Love you. Bye. 19 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,498 If my fiancé didn't have oral sex down to a science 20 00:00:47,523 --> 00:00:49,623 I would've left him a long time ago. 21 00:00:50,748 --> 00:00:53,159 So, this is my mother, Bonnie. 22 00:00:53,677 --> 00:00:56,027 - Mom, this is Stacy. - Hi. Nice to meet you. 23 00:00:56,052 --> 00:00:57,686 Ooh, I should probably wash my hands first. 24 00:00:57,711 --> 00:00:59,834 I've been pulling rats out of traps all morning. 25 00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:01,942 - We're studying, Mom. - Got it. 26 00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:04,104 Hey, Stacy, is that your motorcycle out front? 27 00:01:04,129 --> 00:01:06,129 - No. - It's really cool. 28 00:01:06,154 --> 00:01:08,271 Sweet shade of blue, real vintage-y vibe. 29 00:01:08,296 --> 00:01:09,545 Still not hers, Mom. 30 00:01:10,052 --> 00:01:11,543 Good. 'Cause I was gonna say, 31 00:01:11,568 --> 00:01:13,312 you're a little small for a big bike like that. 32 00:01:13,337 --> 00:01:15,003 She drives a Prius, Mom. 33 00:01:15,028 --> 00:01:17,562 Prius, huh? Do strangers just hop into your back seat 34 00:01:17,587 --> 00:01:19,513 thinking you're an Uber driver? 35 00:01:20,238 --> 00:01:21,638 'Cause on the news, they say that happens a lot. 36 00:01:21,663 --> 00:01:23,623 - Mom! - Christy! 37 00:01:25,230 --> 00:01:26,395 (sighs): Sorry. 38 00:01:26,517 --> 00:01:28,433 It's okay. I have one of those, too. 39 00:01:28,841 --> 00:01:30,496 Oh, you don't have one of those. 40 00:01:30,521 --> 00:01:32,354 No one's got one of those. 41 00:01:32,379 --> 00:01:34,248 Do you listen to that podcast, The Mother of All Problems? 42 00:01:34,273 --> 00:01:36,156 - No. What is it? - This woman tells 43 00:01:36,181 --> 00:01:37,781 these crazy-ass stories about her mother. 44 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,412 It'll make you grateful for the mom you have. 45 00:01:39,658 --> 00:01:41,177 BONNIE: Christy! 46 00:01:41,461 --> 00:01:42,961 I'm stranded on the bowl! 47 00:01:42,986 --> 00:01:44,935 Need another roll! 48 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,025 Oh, I love it when this happens. 49 00:01:48,050 --> 00:01:49,888 Sometimes I get a whole hour. 50 00:01:52,848 --> 00:01:54,097 (upbeat music plays) 51 00:01:54,635 --> 00:01:56,302 WOMAN: Hey, listeners. 52 00:01:56,327 --> 00:01:58,911 Welcome to my podcast, The Mother of All Problems. 53 00:01:58,936 --> 00:02:00,552 I'm your host, Violet. 54 00:02:00,577 --> 00:02:01,993 Violet? My Violet? 55 00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:04,063 The holidays are around the corner, 56 00:02:04,088 --> 00:02:06,254 so great time to dive into horror stories 57 00:02:06,279 --> 00:02:08,362 about growing up with a drunken stripper 58 00:02:08,387 --> 00:02:11,021 who I unfortunately had to call Mommy. 59 00:02:11,693 --> 00:02:14,443 Wait, I'm the Mother of All Problems?! 60 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:17,951 ♪♪ 61 00:02:26,811 --> 00:02:28,455 So, when does Adam's bar open? 62 00:02:28,479 --> 00:02:30,062 One week from today. 63 00:02:30,148 --> 00:02:32,415 I can't believe our dream is finally coming true. 64 00:02:32,483 --> 00:02:33,983 Wait a minute... your dream? 65 00:02:34,035 --> 00:02:35,985 You've been complaining since he bought it. 66 00:02:36,443 --> 00:02:38,154 That's not how I remember it. 67 00:02:38,239 --> 00:02:40,289 You said Adam has no experience, 68 00:02:40,314 --> 00:02:43,002 no business plan, and I quote, "He's so stupid, 69 00:02:43,027 --> 00:02:45,161 I can't believe how stupid he is." 70 00:02:45,486 --> 00:02:48,037 I said, "That's not how I remember it." 71 00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:50,917 My daughter has a podcast 72 00:02:50,942 --> 00:02:52,692 about what a terrible mother I am. 73 00:02:52,717 --> 00:02:54,364 (laughing) JILL: Oh, my God. 74 00:02:54,389 --> 00:02:56,339 Sorry. Mm-mmm. 75 00:02:56,685 --> 00:02:57,974 Tell us everything. 76 00:02:58,256 --> 00:03:00,343 Well, I was bitching to my study partner 77 00:03:00,368 --> 00:03:02,496 about what a horrible mom you are, 78 00:03:02,521 --> 00:03:04,889 and she told me about this podcast that would cheer me up. 79 00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:07,178 It did not. 80 00:03:08,102 --> 00:03:10,353 Violet never mentioned it to you? 81 00:03:10,378 --> 00:03:12,328 We haven't spoken in over a year. 82 00:03:12,662 --> 00:03:15,145 She asked for space, and, being the healthy mother 83 00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:17,670 in recovery that I am, I knew it was important 84 00:03:17,695 --> 00:03:18,995 to respect her wishes. 85 00:03:20,791 --> 00:03:22,834 And she changed her number. 86 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:24,951 How bad is it? 87 00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:27,123 Really bad. Couldn't be worse. 88 00:03:27,148 --> 00:03:28,646 She tells the truth. 89 00:03:28,671 --> 00:03:30,389 (laughing) 90 00:03:31,292 --> 00:03:34,240 What? The irony of this is delicious. 91 00:03:37,059 --> 00:03:38,358 VIOLET: I remember this one night 92 00:03:38,383 --> 00:03:40,716 my mom barged into my room, drunk off her ass, 93 00:03:40,768 --> 00:03:43,185 and started yelling at me for stealing her car. 94 00:03:43,373 --> 00:03:46,022 Turned out she left the car at a 7-Eleven, 95 00:03:46,057 --> 00:03:48,391 which I figured out while cleaning up the Slurpee 96 00:03:48,416 --> 00:03:50,119 she threw up in my closet. 97 00:03:50,144 --> 00:03:52,728 Wild cherry, if anyone was wondering. 98 00:03:53,943 --> 00:03:55,698 So, cheer up, Lisa from Portland, 99 00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:57,533 your mom's minivan getting repossessed 100 00:03:57,568 --> 00:03:59,060 might be a good thing. 101 00:03:59,404 --> 00:04:00,904 - Our next e-mail is... - Turn it off. 102 00:04:00,929 --> 00:04:02,262 From Dan in Tex... 103 00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:03,906 I have to move. 104 00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:06,342 Are they sending people to Mars yet? 105 00:04:07,507 --> 00:04:09,674 Honey, I know this is hard. 106 00:04:10,123 --> 00:04:12,381 I remember how humiliating it was 107 00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:14,050 when my son brought a picture of me 108 00:04:14,085 --> 00:04:15,751 to school for show and tell. 109 00:04:15,837 --> 00:04:18,568 - What's wrong with that? - It was my mug shot. 110 00:04:19,841 --> 00:04:21,257 Okay, that's bad. 111 00:04:21,309 --> 00:04:23,175 But Violet is telling thousands of people 112 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:24,783 every awful thing I ever did. 113 00:04:24,811 --> 00:04:26,227 Hundreds of thousands. 114 00:04:26,252 --> 00:04:27,751 - Wendy! - Wendy! - Wendy! 115 00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:31,400 The episodes have clever titles. 116 00:04:31,436 --> 00:04:33,769 Let's listen to "Jell-O Shots and the Truth About Santa." 117 00:04:33,794 --> 00:04:35,188 That's enough. We're done listening. 118 00:04:35,273 --> 00:04:36,500 - Thanks. - JILL: Ooh! There's one called 119 00:04:36,524 --> 00:04:38,574 "My Grandmother, the Life Preserver." 120 00:04:38,850 --> 00:04:40,767 Well, maybe we have time for one more. 121 00:04:43,448 --> 00:04:46,749 No. Please don't tell the school bus story. 122 00:04:47,263 --> 00:04:48,417 Not true! 123 00:04:48,453 --> 00:04:50,873 Only one of my boobs popped out! 124 00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,089 Still going, huh? 125 00:04:53,124 --> 00:04:55,124 I can't stop. I keep thinking, 126 00:04:55,149 --> 00:04:57,766 "Maybe in the next episode she'll say something nice." 127 00:04:57,791 --> 00:04:59,241 Quit torturing yourself. 128 00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:02,214 Easy for you to say... she calls you the Life Preserver. 129 00:05:02,239 --> 00:05:03,822 I know. It's so sweet. 130 00:05:03,968 --> 00:05:06,435 Adorable. I just wish Violet would hate me to my face 131 00:05:06,471 --> 00:05:08,437 and stop venting for the world to hear. 132 00:05:08,473 --> 00:05:09,889 Look, you've got two choices. 133 00:05:09,974 --> 00:05:11,974 You can either keep listening to the podcast 134 00:05:12,026 --> 00:05:15,214 and feel for yourself, or you could just call her. 135 00:05:16,314 --> 00:05:17,636 You're right. 136 00:05:21,628 --> 00:05:23,652 Okay, you have one choice. 137 00:05:23,738 --> 00:05:26,455 How can I call her? I don't even have her number. 138 00:05:26,491 --> 00:05:28,352 She changed it, because... In case you forgot... 139 00:05:28,376 --> 00:05:30,326 I am the Mother of All Problems. 140 00:05:30,378 --> 00:05:32,411 - I have her number. - What? 141 00:05:32,497 --> 00:05:34,747 Well, it's not called The Grandmother of All Problems. 142 00:05:35,487 --> 00:05:39,001 In fact, you should call her from my phone. That way she'll answer. 143 00:05:39,053 --> 00:05:42,004 - God, you're shady. - What are you waiting for? 144 00:05:42,090 --> 00:05:43,650 I need to figure out what I'm gonna say first. 145 00:05:43,674 --> 00:05:45,369 Don't think about it. Just speak from your heart. 146 00:05:45,393 --> 00:05:46,809 Also, it's ringing. 147 00:05:46,844 --> 00:05:48,844 (groans) Oh, good. Voice mail. 148 00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:50,930 Just don't do that weird thing you always do. 149 00:05:51,015 --> 00:05:53,265 - What weird thing? - Hi! Violet! 150 00:05:53,351 --> 00:05:54,683 It's me, your mom. 151 00:05:54,769 --> 00:05:57,520 Uh... so, doot-dah-doo... 152 00:05:57,635 --> 00:05:59,221 That's the weird thing. 153 00:05:59,690 --> 00:06:01,524 So, heard your podcast. 154 00:06:01,609 --> 00:06:04,042 Would love to chitty-chat about that. 155 00:06:04,362 --> 00:06:06,362 Or anything. (chuckles) 156 00:06:07,143 --> 00:06:09,376 I haven't talked to you in such a long time. 157 00:06:09,401 --> 00:06:11,880 Of course, I'm not the one who changed her number. 158 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,739 But not pointing fingers. 159 00:06:16,436 --> 00:06:17,685 Doot-dah-doo. 160 00:06:19,971 --> 00:06:21,544 Hey, good news. 161 00:06:21,892 --> 00:06:24,080 I'm in law school now. (chuckles) 162 00:06:24,215 --> 00:06:27,216 Yep. Learnin' about torts. 163 00:06:27,268 --> 00:06:29,718 Turns out they're not just dessert. 164 00:06:30,315 --> 00:06:31,554 Wrap it up. 165 00:06:32,198 --> 00:06:34,056 Okay, well, uh... 166 00:06:34,313 --> 00:06:36,363 it's me, your mom, Christy. 167 00:06:37,445 --> 00:06:39,549 End of voice mail. 168 00:06:39,781 --> 00:06:42,557 Boy, I was wrong... you should have thought about it first. 169 00:06:45,236 --> 00:06:47,069 Wow! 170 00:06:47,121 --> 00:06:50,360 (gasps) This place looks fantastic! 171 00:06:50,385 --> 00:06:52,802 It's even better than we dreamed it. 172 00:06:52,827 --> 00:06:55,077 (slurring): I made a huge mistake. 173 00:06:55,693 --> 00:06:57,943 Well, I'm not giving the ring back. 174 00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,916 The bar is never gonna work, lady. 175 00:07:01,471 --> 00:07:03,252 What happened here? 176 00:07:03,304 --> 00:07:04,920 I was picking beers. 177 00:07:05,393 --> 00:07:07,590 By drinking them. 178 00:07:08,370 --> 00:07:11,227 So many people are gonna have to come in this place 179 00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:14,712 and spend so much money for this joint to work. 180 00:07:14,737 --> 00:07:16,009 This chair... 181 00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:18,517 has to bring in a thousand dollars a week, 182 00:07:18,542 --> 00:07:21,297 and-and this chair and this chair... 183 00:07:21,322 --> 00:07:23,167 and nobody's gonna want to sit in that chair, 184 00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,158 'cause it's right under the air conditioning. 185 00:07:27,111 --> 00:07:29,245 Aw, honey, I think you're just having 186 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,618 a case of pre-opening jitters. Completely normal. 187 00:07:31,643 --> 00:07:34,884 I have no experience, and I spent all of my money. 188 00:07:34,909 --> 00:07:36,202 Why would I do that? 189 00:07:36,287 --> 00:07:38,454 Well, that's exactly what... 190 00:07:38,506 --> 00:07:40,623 Okay. 191 00:07:41,221 --> 00:07:43,438 When I asked you that very question, 192 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,751 you confidently replied that you have a dream 193 00:07:45,776 --> 00:07:46,795 that's important to you, 194 00:07:46,820 --> 00:07:49,320 and you want to feel like your life has purpose again. 195 00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:51,300 "Purpose" sounds like "porpoise." 196 00:07:51,385 --> 00:07:53,102 (footsteps approaching) 197 00:07:53,137 --> 00:07:55,137 Hey, boss, your coasters just arrived. 198 00:07:55,189 --> 00:07:59,308 Ugh. I bought 10,000 of 'em... 10,000! 199 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,810 - The delivery guy needs a check, so... - Not now! 200 00:08:01,896 --> 00:08:04,526 Oh. Family drama. I'll go flirt with him. 201 00:08:05,376 --> 00:08:07,793 Do you know how many drinks I have to sell 202 00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:09,485 to use 10,000 coasters? 203 00:08:10,119 --> 00:08:12,502 - Ten thousand? - I don't know, maybe. 204 00:08:14,526 --> 00:08:17,303 Look at me. Adam, look at me. 205 00:08:17,651 --> 00:08:21,224 You have overcome far bigger obstacles than opening a bar. 206 00:08:21,249 --> 00:08:23,632 You were a successful Hollywood stuntman. 207 00:08:23,668 --> 00:08:25,467 How many people can say that? 208 00:08:25,792 --> 00:08:28,170 You fought your way back from a terrible accident. 209 00:08:28,195 --> 00:08:29,777 How many people can say that? 210 00:08:29,924 --> 00:08:31,974 You are in a successful relationship with me, 211 00:08:32,009 --> 00:08:34,948 and I can tell you, no one has ever been able to say that. 212 00:08:35,737 --> 00:08:37,263 I hired waitresses. 213 00:08:37,348 --> 00:08:38,981 I hired a bartender. 214 00:08:39,016 --> 00:08:42,440 They're gonna want to be paid... with money. 215 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,382 You're gonna make it work, and you're not gonna do it alone. 216 00:08:46,407 --> 00:08:48,190 I know. I hired waitresses. 217 00:08:48,215 --> 00:08:50,265 - I hired a bartender. I... - Now... 218 00:08:50,290 --> 00:08:51,756 zip, zip, zip it. 219 00:08:51,889 --> 00:08:55,057 The point is this bar is gonna be a huge success. 220 00:08:55,082 --> 00:08:56,699 It's gonna blow up! 221 00:08:56,893 --> 00:09:00,452 Yes. We could blow it up and collect the insurance money. 222 00:09:00,598 --> 00:09:02,348 (groans): That's ridiculous. 223 00:09:02,373 --> 00:09:04,373 It's also much more difficult than you think. 224 00:09:06,427 --> 00:09:10,296 Okay, State of Washington v. International Shoe. Go. 225 00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:13,382 Stacy. 226 00:09:14,125 --> 00:09:16,518 I wasn't gonna say anything, but I know who you are. 227 00:09:16,554 --> 00:09:18,554 You're the Mother of All Problems. 228 00:09:18,988 --> 00:09:21,105 (quietly): Son of a bitch. 229 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,059 How'd you find out? 230 00:09:24,254 --> 00:09:26,838 I guess you haven't listened to today's podcast. 231 00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:30,376 VIOLET: So, my mom left me a voice mail. 232 00:09:30,401 --> 00:09:33,906 I can't tell if it's sincere or deeply manipulative. 233 00:09:33,931 --> 00:09:36,238 - So you decide. - Oh, no. 234 00:09:36,290 --> 00:09:38,073 CHRISTY: Hi! Violet! 235 00:09:38,788 --> 00:09:41,721 It's me, your mom. 236 00:09:42,555 --> 00:09:44,713 So, um... 237 00:09:45,344 --> 00:09:47,916 - doot-dah-doo... - Turn it off. 238 00:09:48,469 --> 00:09:50,811 I... know this may not be the best time to ask, 239 00:09:50,836 --> 00:09:52,921 but did you really take her to a birthday party 240 00:09:52,946 --> 00:09:54,695 and not come back for two days? 241 00:09:55,625 --> 00:09:57,403 Yes. But the family I left her with 242 00:09:57,428 --> 00:10:00,095 gave her sushi for the first time that weekend. 243 00:10:00,545 --> 00:10:02,078 Does she mention that? 244 00:10:02,889 --> 00:10:04,639 I'm asking. Does she mention that? 245 00:10:04,935 --> 00:10:06,769 - (door closes in distance) - Sorry. 246 00:10:07,492 --> 00:10:09,772 Wow. Stacy. Well, 247 00:10:09,824 --> 00:10:12,691 I got to tell you, you're back and the motorcycle's back. 248 00:10:12,716 --> 00:10:15,133 If it's really not yours, somebody's following you. 249 00:10:15,158 --> 00:10:17,423 Oh, my God, you're the Life Preserver. 250 00:10:17,448 --> 00:10:19,448 Yes, I am. Would you like a picture? 251 00:10:19,533 --> 00:10:20,616 Yes. 252 00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:22,117 Honey, do you mind? 253 00:10:23,838 --> 00:10:25,587 (sighs) 254 00:10:26,699 --> 00:10:28,315 Scrunch together. 255 00:10:36,119 --> 00:10:38,481 I thought I was leaving that voice mail for one person, 256 00:10:38,506 --> 00:10:39,930 not everyone in the world. 257 00:10:39,955 --> 00:10:41,154 I have a question. 258 00:10:41,239 --> 00:10:42,978 What's "doot-dah-doo"? 259 00:10:44,356 --> 00:10:45,939 Not now, Jill. 260 00:10:46,305 --> 00:10:48,055 I thought when I got sober all this stuff 261 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,223 with Violet would get better. 262 00:10:49,247 --> 00:10:51,118 Well, you've gotten better. 263 00:10:51,143 --> 00:10:53,727 You're not who you were, and that's a big deal. 264 00:10:53,752 --> 00:10:55,418 I just wish she could see that. 265 00:10:55,504 --> 00:10:57,610 - You should tell her. - But in person. 266 00:10:57,635 --> 00:11:00,181 Doot-dah-do not leave another message. 267 00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:03,236 What do you think, Marjorie? 268 00:11:03,261 --> 00:11:05,345 I might be the wrong person to ask. 269 00:11:05,370 --> 00:11:07,954 I don't have a relationship with my son. 270 00:11:08,642 --> 00:11:11,461 So all I can do is focus on my sobriety 271 00:11:11,486 --> 00:11:13,603 and hope that one day he'll forgive me. 272 00:11:13,655 --> 00:11:15,603 Oh, poo to that. 273 00:11:16,704 --> 00:11:20,245 My mom died before we were able to figure out our stuff. 274 00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:22,570 Don't wait. You could die, Christy. 275 00:11:23,665 --> 00:11:26,884 And call your son, 'cause you're definitely gonna die before her. 276 00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:30,120 New bar opening this Friday. Free wings with this flyer. 277 00:11:30,205 --> 00:11:31,871 New bar. Free wings. 278 00:11:31,896 --> 00:11:33,195 Flyer. Free. 279 00:11:33,291 --> 00:11:34,924 Wings. New. 280 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,127 Where have you been? 281 00:11:37,179 --> 00:11:38,795 Trying to make sure Adam doesn't go broke 282 00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:40,357 because of his stupid idea. 283 00:11:40,382 --> 00:11:42,215 But you said it was a dream you shared. 284 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,220 (groans) Not how I remember it. 285 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,447 You are each responsible 286 00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:49,773 for bringing ten people to the opening. 287 00:11:50,439 --> 00:11:51,641 So, what'd I miss? 288 00:11:51,693 --> 00:11:53,228 My death is imminent. 289 00:11:53,252 --> 00:11:55,111 Cool, what else? 290 00:11:55,564 --> 00:11:57,400 Jill and Wendy think I should go see Violet. 291 00:11:57,425 --> 00:11:58,570 I agree. 292 00:11:58,595 --> 00:12:00,424 Even if I wanted to, I don't know where she lives. 293 00:12:00,449 --> 00:12:03,673 I do. I mean, I could probably figure it out. Okay, I've been there. 294 00:12:14,743 --> 00:12:16,666 This is the part where you knock. 295 00:12:16,991 --> 00:12:19,075 I'm too nervous. You do it. 296 00:12:24,197 --> 00:12:25,341 What the hell was that? 297 00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:27,644 I don't know. You made me overthink it. 298 00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:31,314 Hi, Grandma. Violet. Mm! 299 00:12:31,349 --> 00:12:34,017 - Hi, Violet. - Hi. 300 00:12:35,251 --> 00:12:36,686 You weren't supposed to tell her where I live. 301 00:12:36,772 --> 00:12:38,345 I'm sorry, but I was caught in the middle, 302 00:12:38,370 --> 00:12:40,470 and my instinct is always to heal. 303 00:12:41,688 --> 00:12:43,855 It's not Grandma's fault. I made her tell me. 304 00:12:44,112 --> 00:12:46,908 Well, you're here, so... come on in. 305 00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:51,720 Ah. Oh, this is a great setup. 306 00:12:51,908 --> 00:12:53,536 Luke must be doing well. 307 00:12:53,622 --> 00:12:56,476 Actually, Mom, Luke isn't in the picture anymore. 308 00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:59,125 But thank you for assuming I couldn't pull this off on my own. 309 00:12:59,781 --> 00:13:02,114 - Strike one. - You're doing great. 310 00:13:03,459 --> 00:13:05,426 So... 311 00:13:05,884 --> 00:13:08,635 you are obviously here to talk about the podcast. 312 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:09,853 Yes, I am. 313 00:13:09,888 --> 00:13:11,137 So... ? 314 00:13:11,162 --> 00:13:12,529 So... 315 00:13:12,724 --> 00:13:14,524 I know you had a difficult childhood, 316 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:17,088 and I'm glad you found a way to process it. 317 00:13:17,113 --> 00:13:19,530 I don't really need your approval, but okay. 318 00:13:21,149 --> 00:13:24,415 - Here's the thing you need to know. - (crunching) 319 00:13:28,330 --> 00:13:30,630 What? You know I love pretzels. 320 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,600 The person you've been talking about 321 00:13:34,625 --> 00:13:37,709 isn't who I am anymore. I've changed. 322 00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:40,939 (muffled): It's true, she has. 323 00:13:42,504 --> 00:13:45,505 But the podcast is about being raised by an alcoholic mother, 324 00:13:45,530 --> 00:13:47,901 which I was... The damage is already done. 325 00:13:47,926 --> 00:13:49,676 She's got you there. 326 00:13:50,001 --> 00:13:51,344 Well... 327 00:13:51,489 --> 00:13:53,990 can you at least tell your listeners I'm sober now 328 00:13:54,015 --> 00:13:56,001 and trying to clean up the mess I made? 329 00:13:56,318 --> 00:13:58,184 I got to say, that seems reasonable. 330 00:13:58,270 --> 00:13:59,270 Okay. 331 00:13:59,430 --> 00:14:01,013 Thank you. 332 00:14:02,157 --> 00:14:04,107 Put these on, talk into this, 333 00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:06,192 and if you're chewing any gum, spit it out. 334 00:14:06,278 --> 00:14:07,443 What's happening? 335 00:14:07,529 --> 00:14:09,028 We're doing a podcast. 336 00:14:09,053 --> 00:14:10,864 If you want people to hear your side, tell them. 337 00:14:10,949 --> 00:14:13,176 Oh. You can't just do an episode called 338 00:14:13,201 --> 00:14:15,451 - "My Mom's Doin' Good Now"? - No. 339 00:14:15,504 --> 00:14:18,788 Wait. This is all you need, and you make money from it? 340 00:14:18,874 --> 00:14:20,039 Not a ton, but yeah. 341 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,958 I am definitely starting a podcast. 342 00:14:22,010 --> 00:14:23,939 Sober woman marrying a guy in a wheelchair, 343 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,251 sing a couple of songs... Something for everybody. 344 00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:29,326 And here we... go. 345 00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:31,301 - I'm not ready. - It's okay. Take your time. 346 00:14:31,353 --> 00:14:33,102 Three, two, one. 347 00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:34,470 Hello, people. 348 00:14:34,689 --> 00:14:37,473 While I was deciding whether or not to talk to my mom, 349 00:14:37,498 --> 00:14:40,115 she took that choice away from me by showing up. 350 00:14:40,195 --> 00:14:42,259 So now here she is with her side. 351 00:14:43,177 --> 00:14:44,868 That's you. You're her mom. 352 00:14:46,909 --> 00:14:48,602 Um, okay. 353 00:14:50,655 --> 00:14:52,455 Hello. 354 00:14:52,490 --> 00:14:54,962 I, uh, I'm Christie, 355 00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:56,775 and, um... 356 00:14:57,298 --> 00:15:00,747 I'm Violet's, um, mom, 357 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,498 and, um... 358 00:15:02,551 --> 00:15:05,301 Wait, I said "um" too much. Can we start it again? 359 00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:06,836 No. 360 00:15:06,922 --> 00:15:08,504 Okay. Um... 361 00:15:10,225 --> 00:15:12,475 Well, I guess if I'm gonna tell my side, 362 00:15:12,510 --> 00:15:14,177 I should start at the beginning. 363 00:15:14,256 --> 00:15:16,206 I was conceived in a van. 364 00:15:16,231 --> 00:15:18,181 Well, technically, it was a minibus, 365 00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:19,933 and it was way more normal for people 366 00:15:19,958 --> 00:15:22,345 to have sex in vehicles back then. 367 00:15:24,195 --> 00:15:27,595 Also, this is Life Preserver. Hello to all my fans. 368 00:15:30,255 --> 00:15:32,398 I'm actually sponsoring three women. 369 00:15:32,423 --> 00:15:34,697 They call me with their problems, and I help them. 370 00:15:35,298 --> 00:15:37,344 So what I'm trying to say is yes, 371 00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:40,548 all those horrible stories you've told about me are true. 372 00:15:40,872 --> 00:15:43,670 But... nowadays, my idea of a good time 373 00:15:43,695 --> 00:15:46,696 is hitting a meeting and going to coffee with my friends. 374 00:15:47,712 --> 00:15:49,545 I've changed. 375 00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:52,142 If I say I'm gonna be somewhere, I'm there. 376 00:15:52,259 --> 00:15:55,018 I pay my bills. I keep my promises. 377 00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:56,954 That's who I am now. 378 00:15:58,315 --> 00:15:59,597 Anyway... 379 00:15:59,939 --> 00:16:01,224 that's my side. 380 00:16:01,892 --> 00:16:04,175 Thanks for letting me tell it. 381 00:16:05,313 --> 00:16:08,095 First, I want to say, um... 382 00:16:08,923 --> 00:16:10,543 you sound really good. 383 00:16:11,241 --> 00:16:13,046 Clearly, you've done a lot of work on yourself, 384 00:16:13,071 --> 00:16:14,737 and I'm happy for you. 385 00:16:14,789 --> 00:16:16,111 Thanks. 386 00:16:16,697 --> 00:16:18,236 But here's the thing. 387 00:16:20,773 --> 00:16:22,940 I missed out on being a child. 388 00:16:25,478 --> 00:16:27,383 When most kids were just showing up to school 389 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:29,687 and focusing on algebra, I was always worried 390 00:16:29,712 --> 00:16:31,231 about what was going on at home. 391 00:16:31,462 --> 00:16:33,233 I could never bring friends over, 392 00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:35,306 because I didn't know what we would be walking into. 393 00:16:35,868 --> 00:16:37,727 When I should have just been going to ballet 394 00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:39,262 and Rollerblading, 395 00:16:39,314 --> 00:16:41,397 I was the one that was home cleaning the house 396 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,750 and cooking dinner and making sure that bills got paid. 397 00:16:46,016 --> 00:16:47,812 I would see you passed out on the couch 398 00:16:47,837 --> 00:16:49,754 and not even know if you were gonna wake up. 399 00:16:51,943 --> 00:16:53,242 I worried about stuff 400 00:16:53,278 --> 00:16:56,079 that no kid should ever have to worry about. 401 00:16:59,015 --> 00:17:00,818 Violet, I am so sorry. 402 00:17:01,202 --> 00:17:03,252 I wish I could go back in time 403 00:17:03,277 --> 00:17:05,277 and be the mother you deserved. 404 00:17:07,643 --> 00:17:09,755 I wish that, too. 405 00:17:12,294 --> 00:17:14,263 What do you say we build from here? 406 00:17:14,646 --> 00:17:16,966 I really want to be in your life. 407 00:17:17,283 --> 00:17:20,651 Actually, it's been really good not having you in my life. 408 00:17:22,857 --> 00:17:25,108 I'm finally in a healthy place right now, and I think 409 00:17:25,143 --> 00:17:26,809 that what would be best for me is to not 410 00:17:26,834 --> 00:17:28,284 have a relationship with you. 411 00:17:29,814 --> 00:17:31,114 (softly): Oh. 412 00:17:31,344 --> 00:17:34,294 But thank you so much for coming on the podcast. 413 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:37,499 Okay. 414 00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:47,163 Seriously, thank you for doing that. 415 00:17:47,308 --> 00:17:49,559 It's actually gonna be a really good episode. 416 00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,100 So we're done? 417 00:17:52,125 --> 00:17:54,592 Yeah. It was great to see you, Grandma. 418 00:17:54,672 --> 00:17:56,796 It's great to see you, too, sweetie. 419 00:17:57,513 --> 00:18:00,336 - Bye, Mom. - Bye. 420 00:18:10,978 --> 00:18:13,515 You okay? Mm. 421 00:18:15,193 --> 00:18:16,943 (sighs): Mm. 422 00:18:17,028 --> 00:18:18,945 (both sigh) 423 00:18:19,041 --> 00:18:21,341 I know that's... 424 00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:24,273 not how you wanted that to go down, but... 425 00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:27,870 remember... 426 00:18:27,956 --> 00:18:29,539 five years ago, 427 00:18:29,564 --> 00:18:31,781 this right here wouldn't have been possible. 428 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,110 ♪ ♪ 429 00:18:49,621 --> 00:18:51,916 I'm sure you'd rather be... at home 430 00:18:51,941 --> 00:18:53,198 curled up in the fetal position, 431 00:18:53,223 --> 00:18:55,390 watching The Real Housewives of... 432 00:18:55,415 --> 00:18:56,864 somewhere... 433 00:18:57,463 --> 00:18:59,816 but it means a lot to me that you showed up. 434 00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,581 It's okay. Kind of like the old days, 435 00:19:02,878 --> 00:19:05,402 - only now I'm drowning my sorrows in hot wings. - (chuckles) 436 00:19:05,427 --> 00:19:06,760 - And these are hot. - Yeah. 437 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,546 I actually can't feel my lips. 438 00:19:09,926 --> 00:19:11,259 You know... 439 00:19:11,344 --> 00:19:13,261 the podcast hasn't aired yet. 440 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,034 I could break into Violet's apartment, 441 00:19:15,059 --> 00:19:16,975 destroy the tapes... Problem solved. 442 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,933 First of all, no one uses tapes anymore. 443 00:19:21,054 --> 00:19:23,638 And also, I don't want to destroy the podcast. 444 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,644 It's helping her. And probably other people. 445 00:19:26,669 --> 00:19:30,253 Ah, look at you, eating chicken and taking the high road. 446 00:19:31,719 --> 00:19:33,218 You know... 447 00:19:33,243 --> 00:19:36,444 all of this has made me realize I owe you an apology. 448 00:19:36,659 --> 00:19:38,158 Awesome. 449 00:19:38,855 --> 00:19:39,954 Why? 450 00:19:40,006 --> 00:19:42,105 Because I focused too much on who you were 451 00:19:42,130 --> 00:19:45,425 and not enough on the person you've become. I'm sorry. 452 00:19:45,795 --> 00:19:48,095 Aw. Thank you. 453 00:19:48,131 --> 00:19:49,630 So from here on out, 454 00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,905 I promise I will only get mad at you 455 00:19:51,930 --> 00:19:53,581 for the things you do in the present. 456 00:19:53,606 --> 00:19:57,141 And I promise to give you plenty to work with. 457 00:19:59,234 --> 00:20:01,339 Hey. You use the urinal? 458 00:20:01,894 --> 00:20:04,945 - Yeah. - Were you happy with the trajectory? 459 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:09,409 - I guess. - Hot guy says yes. 460 00:20:12,905 --> 00:20:15,456 There he is, Mr. Successful Bar Owner. 461 00:20:15,491 --> 00:20:17,487 Oh, you must be thrilled. Look at all the people. 462 00:20:17,512 --> 00:20:18,811 Yeah, yeah, big turnout. 463 00:20:18,998 --> 00:20:21,222 - I did that. - Yes, you did. 464 00:20:21,247 --> 00:20:23,581 You brought 75 sober people to a bar. 465 00:20:24,678 --> 00:20:26,628 I'm running out of Diet Coke. 466 00:20:26,653 --> 00:20:29,683 Also, next time you promise everyone free wings, 467 00:20:29,722 --> 00:20:31,088 don't do that. 468 00:20:32,018 --> 00:20:34,902 - Hey, congratulations. - Yeah, this place is so cute. 469 00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:36,800 Thanks. What can I get you ladies? 470 00:20:36,825 --> 00:20:39,275 - An iced tea. - Me too. - Cranberry juice. 471 00:20:39,766 --> 00:20:42,316 I don't have an infection. I just like it. 472 00:20:44,354 --> 00:20:47,480 I sunk my life savings into a lemonade stand. 473 00:20:48,019 --> 00:20:50,167 Okay, so, a guy asked me for my number. 474 00:20:50,192 --> 00:20:52,566 I have a date. Or he wants me to do work on his house. 475 00:20:52,591 --> 00:20:54,284 But either way, yay!