Why don't you want to kiss me? I'm kissable, damn it!
Are you even listening to me?
Yes, I just find these tea bags
need to be coaxed in order to steep properly.
Can we get back to the fact
that my husband never wants to kiss me again?
Is there a chance
you're exaggerating the situation?
None.
Shall I relive the horror all over again
now that your orange pekoe's squared away?
Yeah, sure, relive.
Ah, I can't wait to see what you think of my sauce.
I went for sweet
with a little bit of heat.
And you're sure the ribs are cooked enough?
I know they were only on there for 12 hours.
It was six.
You might need to squeeze harder.
Oh!
[laughing]: Not that hard.
So this is my fault?Well...
the goal was to squeeze some sauce
out of the opening, not a child.
What does this have to do with kissing,
you should be asking.
[slurping]
Mmm.
Oh, I see what happened.
A little chunk of onion got stuck in the nozzle.
Well, what the hell's an onion doing in there?
It's developing the depth of flavor.
And ruining our breath. It's date night.
So much for kissing.
[grunts]
What's that supposed to mean?
Eh. Kissing. It's overrated.
Excuse me?
It's like salad.
I mean, you're happy to eat it but you really
just want to get to the main course.
Oh, so what are we doing for foreplay now?
"Grab the sink, I'm coming in"?
I did not promise to love, honor, cherish
and never kiss again.
That's nice.
I've also decided to go back to being a hopeless drunk.
Good for you.
Maybe even take up heroin.
Sounds like a plan.
♪
Mm-hmm.
All right, what's up with you?
You're totally distracted.
You haven't taken a single note.
Yes, I have.
Hey, no...
You have two squiggles and a blob.
The two squiggles are you and Adam.
And the blob is...
your inner child.
Okay.
I apologize, you have my undivided attention.
Sure, when we're almost done and I have to leave early
for Tammy's sober birthday.
Okay, off you go. See you next week.
That's it?
No tools to help me deal with the fact
that Adam thinks kissing is overrated?
He does?
Aah!
You're not getting paid today.
Hold everything.
What's that ceramic wizard doing here?
Casting a positive spell on your mental health.
Sandra took that during the divorce, and I remember
because I was relieved.
I didn't like the way it used to stare at me
during our sessions.
You know, wizards can see through clothes.
How about that?
All right, tell Tammy congratulations
on her sobriety and drive safely.
You know, if my kiss-less marriage crumbles into the sea
between now and next week, it's on you.
Okay.
Don't listen to her.
I just need to get into my safe deposit box.
It's my friend's sober birthday.
So I'm gonna give her my little diamond pin.
Oh, lucky friend.
Yeah, well, her dad killed her mom
and she robbed a steakhouse and spent seven years in prison,
so, you know, good days, bad days.
Okay, I'll go get the key.
Be right back.
Hey, you.
Hey! Hey, Jill.
Didn't expect to run into you here.
Hmm, looks like you didn't expect to run into anybody.
Oh!
Yeah, these mighty calves
are trapped in the prison of long pants all week.
I like to turn 'em loose on my day off.
I see.
And your feet?
Hey, it's everyone's day off.
[laughs] I'm just teasing, you look good.
Now go get on that tram and enjoy the Magic Kingdom.
[laughing]
You done?
For now.
So what are you doing here?
I was just picking out a new check design.
Looks like the Raiders are staying in Vegas.
Looks like you're going to Vegas.
[both laughing]I'm done now.
Do those shoes taste like circus peanuts?
[laughs] I'm sorry.
Done now.
Did you see the wizard?
You know, you have never actually spoken to me before,
and I would not have predicted those would be your first words.
But while you're in a chatty mood,
why does the wizard bother you, too?
Are you gonna put a curse on me
and you need to touch me to do it?
The ex-wife.
[gasps] She's back?
[clucking tongue]
Hey, while I have you here,
what do you think about me and Scooby-Doo checks?
Cool that I like to solve mysteries
or creepy older guy with a van?
I think you just answered your own question.
Okay, what-what about Snoopy,
but as the Red Baron,
not just laying on a house.
Uh, we're ready for you, Ms. Kendall.
Okay.
Well, it was fun running into you.
Enjoy the rest of your day off.
MAN: Everyone, get on the floor!
MAN 2: Get down and stay down!
Hit the dirt!
What?
Get down. Oh!
Is this really happening?
Yes, it's really happening, just-just stay down.
Did you bring your gun?
No, I'm off duty. Did you bring yours?
Yeah, Andy, I always bring my gun to the bank.Okay...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm nervous.
You know, I haven't seen you in a while.
I'm wearing shorts and now this.
MAN: Hello and welcome to the Tuesday speaker meeting...
Where are they?
Honey, they'll be here. They're not gonna miss
giving you a cake for your sober birthday.
But the meeting's starting-- Wendy,
stall 'em-- you know what a heart attack
looks like. Fake one.
If I did it realistically, no one would notice.
They're silent killers.
You know, I didn't even want to take a cake.
Oh, come on, it's nice to acknowledge
how much time you've got for the newcomers.
Three years is a big deal.
Nobody takes a cake in prison.
They're considered weak, like books
or conjugal visits.
Bonnie pushed me into this.
Now I have to do it without her?
Well, Marjorie and I are still here.
What about a stroke? Those are messy.
Not always.
You know, you brag all the time about being a nurse,
but when the chips are down, where are you?
[door opens]
Aha!
Lean Cuisine!
Oh, my God, we're not done?
A voice in my head said
something wasn't right about you.
The wizard's back, you're counting calories,
and Marta explicitly said Sandra was sniffing around.
You add those clues up, I think Sandra's sniffing around.
That was one of the clues.
So you're saying I'm right.
No, I'm saying it's none of your business.
Okay, switch seats, we need to talk.
I'm not... Sit!
Look, Bonnie, I am your therapist.
I'm not gonna talk to you about my personal life.
I'm the therapist. I'm in the therapist chair.
The chair really has nothing to do with it.
Yes, it does-- it's about who's in the chair
and who's acting crazy, and I'm in the chair
and you're acting crazy.
What am I doing that's so crazy?
You're letting the woman who ruined your life back into it.
We're just having dinner tonight.
And six months from now, you'll be back in that corner crying,
and I'll be the one helping you blow your nose.
Now, you may want to go through that again,
but I do not.
What are they doing over there?
They're clearing out the cash drawers.
Hopefully one of the tellers triggered the silent alarm.
Well, how much longer do you think they'll take?
You want me to ask them to move it along?
It's just, you see this in the movies all the time,
but in real life it goes a lot slower.
Yeah, well, we're in Napa.
Everything's slower.
You know, if they decide to go out the back exit,
they're gonna come right through here.
I don't want you to end up being a hostage.
Well, thanks for putting that idea in my head.
Shh!
See? I won't make a good hostage, I'm mouthy.
Jill. I'm serious.
I'll complain about the food too much.
No, I got this.
Oh, God, what are you doing?
I'm shielding you with my body.
[long exhale]
That's very sweet, but...
you're squishing me.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
[heavy breathing]
[shushing]
MAN: Hey! I said stay down!
Was he just yelling at you?
He's right, I peeked.
I'm sorry, I've just never been
in this situation before. You're the professional.
It's okay, the important thing is to just stay calm.
Okay, you know I don't do that well.
Well, just, you know what?
Focus on your breathing, okay? Look-look into my eyes.
[breathing in unison]
I'm sorry, I'm sweaty.
Did you work out?
No, we're being robbed by men with guns.
Damn it, there goes my breathing!
Okay, you got to do something to help me keep my mind off
what's really going on.
O-Okay, okay, uh, let's see, what's been going on with me?
Oh, I had my fantasy baseball draft about a week ago.
I waited too long on a catcher so I ended up
with the White Sox backup.
That's not gonna go well.
Also, um...
I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
Really?
Yeah.
What exactly were you thinking?
That-that maybe I made a mistake.
That maybe I was crazy to let you go.
Well, I thought so.
Yeah, I definitely made a mistake.
You're making another one now by talking.
[laughs softly]
MAN: Let's get moving!
Okay, they're gone.
We can get up now.
Why would you let a woman who called you
a toxic narcissist back into your life?
I don't think you get her sense of humor.
She's called me many things, but she's changed.
Has she, or did she find life
without a doormat husband more challenging?
Wow, you really don't like her.
That's because I'm Team Doormat.
Okay, you know, that's hurtful stuff, too.
Was it as hurtful as when she cleaned you out in the divorce
and moved to Oregon to start her soy milk empire?
How could she have known there was a cold wind blowing
and its name was oat milk?
It's so good.
It really-- it-it's so foamy.
Soy, oat, it's-- it doesn't make a woman change.
But she has changed. How?
So many ways.
I also realized I was doing something wrong, too.
Stick to her.
Well, she's taken up cycling.
Oh, my God, and here I am standing in the way of love.
Go to her, Trevor.
Buy matching spandex shorts
and cycle off into the sunset.
You know, that sarcasm isn't exactly
right out of the therapy handbook.
Oh, you want the handbook? Why are you lying to yourself?
Bonnie, this is somebody I once loved.
I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt
that it's gonna be different this time.
I think you're going back to what's familiar
because you're scared of being alone and you think
you're never gonna meet anyone else ever again.
May I please eat my Salisbury steak in peace?
♪ Happy birthday, dear Tammy
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Keep coming back.
[applause]
Oh, thanks. Uh, hi. Tammy, alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Tammy.
Uh, you know, thanks to everyone who actually did
show up for my birthday.
It's my first time taking a cake.
It's not even real, and I prefer pie, but thank you.
The only reason I'm doing it today is because it's important
to someone who couldn't even be bothered to be here.
[laughs] I mean, you feel me, Jim.
You're always saving a seat for someone who doesn't show.
You know, one of the things that AA
has taught me is, you show up for people.
If you say you're gonna be somewhere, you're there.
[phone chimes]
Oh, look who's texting me.
We're supposed to turn our phones off.
I just want to sit.
So, Bonnie said she's gonna be late,
and we all know what that means.
[laughs]
Hang on, I'm texting her back.
Well, I'm not even getting the three dots. That's real nice.
[chuckles] Anyway, you know, I'm not here to complain.
I'm here to celebrate the fact that I have three years
of sobriety, which is pretty freakin' awesome.
[chuckles] Oh, hang on, three dots.
Nope.
Bottom line is, I'm really grateful to be sober.
Thanks a lot.
[applause]
Uh-- I don't know anything about the road that led you to Sandra.
Tell me about that.
Not much of a road.
More of a driveway, really.
Uphill, had a basketball hoop, need to shovel the snow?
What-what does that mean?
It means Sandra was the first relationship I ever had.
Ever?
Well, there was somebody in high school,
but that was more of a friendship with a girl
that I liked who didn't notice me.
So you had one unrequited crush, then a wife,
and yet you're guiding me through life.
Yes, and I meant to tell you, I'm raising my rate.
So, this crush, you ever ask her out?
Oh, God, no.
But once, I gave a report on Alaska
and I said that I'd like to someday kayak the fjords,
and she said, "Wow, pretty cool."
What ever happened to her?I don't know.
Oh, come on, you got divorced. You never looked her up?
She sells real estate in Mendocino.
Has a pet turtle.
You've been lonely for a whole year and you didn't call her?
You can't just pick up the phone and call somebody
you haven't talked to in that many years.
Yes, you can. You pick up the phone,
you dial the sequence of numbers, they say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hi, it's Trevor, the guy you caught
staring at you all through high school."
And then she hangs up.
Or...
she's been waiting for your call for 30 years.
You think?
No, probably not.
But there is a good chance
she won't call you a toxic narcissist.
And I'm not leaving till you do it.
And you know I'm stubborn,
'cause you gave me a book about it, which I never read.
And you can't make me.
[exhales] Thanks for giving me a ride.
My hands are still shaking.
Oh, yeah, that was a pretty good kiss.
So...
was what you said in there just adrenaline talking
or did you really mean it?
Because I don't want to go down that road again
if-if it's not real.
Look, I've b-- I've been thinking a lot
about our relationship, and, um...
...I was just scared.
Not "bank robbery with guns" scared.
"Getting married and having kids" scared,
which is way worse.
But you're not scared anymore?
Oh, are you kidding? I'm terrified.
But I-I realized in that bank that...
...I'd die for you.
So, yeah, let's do this.
[both laugh softly]
I'm in.
So, where are you taking me, anyway?
I actually have no idea.
I can't drive and be emotionally honest at the same time.
[laughs]
Well, how about we just pull over and kiss some more?
That's a solid idea.
I do like kissing. [laughs]
Me, too.
Well, pull over.Oh, right, right.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
[quietly]: She's divorced and miserable.
Yes.
Well, if you ever need someone to talk to...
No.
You want a new girlfriend, not a new patient.
I mean, not as a therapist, I mean as a friend.
M-More than a friend. I mean, start as friends
and see what happens.
If it happens, it happens. You know, boy-girl stuff. Uh...
Hey, pull it together or the wizard dies.
How about dinner?
With wine? Like a date.
Uh, lunch with wine could work. Sure.
Sometimes I have eggs for lunch.
Uh, like a frittata.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. Uh...
Let's do Saturday.
Sounds great. I'll call you.
[laughs, whoops]
Yeah! That's how it's done.
No, it's not, but it worked.
Wait.
Hand me that wizard.
[shouts]
[shatters]
Now you are free.
[wind whooshing]
I mean, it was eerie.
Like a Stephen King level of eerie.
Trevor smashed the wizard, it got ten degrees colder,
and then Marta turned into a crow and flew away.
Seriously?
I didn't see it, but I went inside to get my keys
and when I came back out, there was just a bird.
I'm sorry, who's Marta?
Exactly.
All right, look, since it seems you saved Trevor's life,
you're forgiven for missing my birthday.
You're not gonna believe what happened to me.
Just know you're gonna have to top a human
who turned into a crow.
Andy and I were in a bank robbery.
He saved my life and we're in love again.
They're really different stories,
but I think Jill wins.
Uh, so Trevor's taking a three-month leave of absence?
Yeah. He went to lunch with his high school crush,
and now they're going to kayak the fjords.
So...
the guy who grounds you e-emotionally
twice a week is gone for th-three months?
He said I'd be okay without him. What do you think about that?
I'm thinking you could still Zoom with him
if there's an emergency, right?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
And I apologize in advance for the bad choices
I might make during this period.
Apology accepted.[both chuckle]
Ha. You don't mean that.
Still not buying it.
Okay, that one counted.[clears throat]
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