1 00:00:07,619 --> 00:00:08,699 CHILDREN CHATTER 2 00:00:08,699 --> 00:00:13,019 SCHOOL BELL RINGS 3 00:00:13,019 --> 00:00:15,169 Bore da, dosbarth naw. 4 00:00:15,169 --> 00:00:20,019 STUDENTS: Bore da, Mr Edwards. 5 00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:22,459 Dyma'ch athro newydd Mr Curtis 6 00:00:22,459 --> 00:00:25,299 ac mae'n mynd I'ch dysgu chi yn Saesneg. 7 00:00:25,299 --> 00:00:26,539 STUDENTS GROAN 8 00:00:26,539 --> 00:00:27,659 I was telling them 9 00:00:27,659 --> 00:00:29,869 you're going to be taking all your lessons in English, 10 00:00:29,869 --> 00:00:31,940 which is a very important skill 11 00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:33,799 for those adventurers amongst you 12 00:00:33,799 --> 00:00:35,259 who might be thinking about leaving 13 00:00:35,259 --> 00:00:38,019 the village in the future. 14 00:00:38,019 --> 00:00:40,579 Mr Curtis used to teach at a school in London 15 00:00:40,579 --> 00:00:42,669 so I'm sure he'll have all sorts of exciting stories 16 00:00:42,669 --> 00:00:44,109 to tell us. 17 00:00:44,109 --> 00:00:46,539 They pay £2 for a coffee, don't they? 18 00:00:46,539 --> 00:00:47,739 And the rest. 19 00:00:47,739 --> 00:00:50,379 Oh, dearie me, imagine that! 20 00:00:50,379 --> 00:00:52,019 Now, as you all know, 21 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:54,509 your previous teacher, Mr King, had to leave us 22 00:00:54,509 --> 00:00:56,070 after a wonderful year. 23 00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:58,179 STUDENTS GROAN I know, I know. 24 00:00:58,179 --> 00:01:00,739 But he has sent us this postcard from his travels, 25 00:01:00,739 --> 00:01:02,589 and I wondered if one of you 26 00:01:02,589 --> 00:01:04,619 would like to read it to the class. 27 00:01:04,619 --> 00:01:06,149 Me! Me. 28 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:10,459 Ceri, would you care to do the hon ours? 29 00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:13,589 Good girl. 30 00:01:18,019 --> 00:01:22,459 "Dear Class 9, greetings from down under. 31 00:01:22,459 --> 00:01:24,149 "I'm having an amazing time 32 00:01:24,149 --> 00:01:28,709 "and I'm thinking of you, as you start your next chapter. 33 00:01:28,709 --> 00:01:31,869 "I cherish the memory of our time together 34 00:01:31,869 --> 00:01:34,179 "and getting to know all of you so closely. 35 00:01:34,179 --> 00:01:36,969 "Much love, Mr King." 36 00:01:36,969 --> 00:01:39,669 MR EDWARDS EXCLAIMS JOYFULLY 37 00:01:40,859 --> 00:01:42,070 What a man! 38 00:01:42,070 --> 00:01:44,779 What a teacher, what a man. 39 00:01:44,779 --> 00:01:47,719 Anyway, back down to reality. 40 00:01:47,719 --> 00:01:50,709 Mr Curtis, over to you. 41 00:01:50,709 --> 00:01:52,589 Thank you, Headmaster. 42 00:01:52,589 --> 00:01:54,739 So, here's a question - 43 00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:58,869 what's the difference between me and Pinocchio? 44 00:02:00,659 --> 00:02:02,690 I'm glad to be in Wales. 45 00:02:11,619 --> 00:02:15,509 Ah, now that is because Pinocchio was eaten by a whale. 46 00:02:15,509 --> 00:02:16,899 Have I got that right, Mr Curtis? 47 00:02:16,899 --> 00:02:19,989 Yes, it was just a joke. 48 00:02:19,989 --> 00:02:21,149 Oh. 49 00:02:21,149 --> 00:02:23,749 It was a joke, Class 9. 50 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:26,589 A joke. 51 00:02:27,609 --> 00:02:28,869 WHISPERS: Carry on. 52 00:02:33,149 --> 00:02:34,379 So, as you all know, 53 00:02:34,379 --> 00:02:37,539 our end-of-term assembly is going to be all about 54 00:02:37,539 --> 00:02:40,979 the environment. CHALK SCRATCHES 55 00:02:40,979 --> 00:02:45,459 So, what does that mean? 56 00:02:45,459 --> 00:02:46,599 Anyone. 57 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,509 Euan? Erm... 58 00:02:49,509 --> 00:02:51,589 Our classroom? 59 00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:54,749 Yes, that's our immediate surroundings, what else? 60 00:02:54,749 --> 00:02:56,659 Ooh, fields! 61 00:02:56,659 --> 00:02:59,509 Yes, good. It's any place where people and plants 62 00:02:59,509 --> 00:03:02,749 and animals actually live and grow. 63 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:07,179 So what types of things will affect our environment? 64 00:03:07,179 --> 00:03:09,319 Oh, human beans, sir. 65 00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:11,339 What's that, Gwen? 66 00:03:11,339 --> 00:03:12,799 Human beans. 67 00:03:12,799 --> 00:03:15,989 Not human beans, we're not vegetables, 68 00:03:15,989 --> 00:03:18,469 but human beings, yes, 69 00:03:18,469 --> 00:03:20,879 we certainly have an impact. 70 00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:23,459 And we can affect our environment 71 00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:26,049 in positive ways and in negative ways. 72 00:03:26,049 --> 00:03:28,589 So, what are some of the positive things 73 00:03:28,589 --> 00:03:30,599 that we can do? 74 00:03:30,599 --> 00:03:32,239 Ceri? 75 00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,589 Recycling. 76 00:03:35,589 --> 00:03:38,679 Very good, Ceri. Yes. Recycling. 77 00:03:40,669 --> 00:03:42,179 Anyone else? 78 00:03:43,749 --> 00:03:47,459 Well, who here has heard of Greta Thunberg? 79 00:03:50,589 --> 00:03:51,899 None of you? 80 00:03:54,189 --> 00:03:55,820 OK. Er... 81 00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,589 You've probably all heard of global warming? 82 00:03:59,869 --> 00:04:02,589 No? How about climate change? 83 00:04:05,419 --> 00:04:07,149 OK, well, you should have covered 84 00:04:07,149 --> 00:04:09,899 some of this last year, but let me ask you this... 85 00:04:10,979 --> 00:04:13,899 What do you think causes hurricanes? 86 00:04:13,899 --> 00:04:16,389 God farting! 87 00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:18,859 HE BLOWS RASPBERRY LAUGHTER 88 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:21,309 No, don't be silly, Owen. 89 00:04:21,309 --> 00:04:23,419 This is actually a really serious subject. 90 00:04:23,419 --> 00:04:25,979 So, for your homework, I want you all to go home 91 00:04:25,979 --> 00:04:28,189 and learn all about global warming 92 00:04:28,189 --> 00:04:30,149 and the ozone layer. 93 00:04:30,149 --> 00:04:34,269 Sir, Mr King said we didn't have to do homework. 94 00:04:34,269 --> 00:04:35,749 Well, I'm really sorry, 95 00:04:35,749 --> 00:04:37,820 but Mr King isn't your teacher now, I am. 96 00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,509 You know, I don't know if you realise it, 97 00:04:39,509 --> 00:04:41,149 but this is the number one topic 98 00:04:41,149 --> 00:04:43,389 that's going to affect you and all your futures, 99 00:04:43,389 --> 00:04:44,619 so it really isn't something 100 00:04:44,619 --> 00:04:47,029 that you can afford to be ignorant about! 101 00:04:48,669 --> 00:04:50,039 Sorry. 102 00:04:51,109 --> 00:04:52,509 Now, I want you all to do a paragraph 103 00:04:52,509 --> 00:04:53,909 and bring it in on Monday. 104 00:04:53,909 --> 00:04:55,519 Right, you can all get your books out 105 00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:58,339 and do silent reading for 20 minutes. Off you go. 106 00:05:12,429 --> 00:05:14,779 HE HUMS 107 00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:22,429 HE HUMS 108 00:05:22,429 --> 00:05:24,229 Oh, Headmaster? 109 00:05:24,229 --> 00:05:25,950 Er, could I have a word? 110 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,629 Of course, Alan. How can I help? 111 00:05:27,629 --> 00:05:31,139 I wondered if you had an email address for Mr King. 112 00:05:31,139 --> 00:05:32,700 Email.. 113 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,779 Is that the one with the little blue bird? 114 00:05:34,779 --> 00:05:37,239 No, I think that's Twitter. 115 00:05:37,239 --> 00:05:39,139 That's right, yes, Tash-tag. 116 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,669 Email is the @ sign, 117 00:05:41,669 --> 00:05:43,309 isn't it? Yes, I think I've got 118 00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:45,039 a piece of paper with that on in my office. 119 00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:47,319 Oh, thanks, it's just I'd love to talk to him 120 00:05:47,319 --> 00:05:49,869 about what he covered last year and what curriculum he's been using. 121 00:05:49,869 --> 00:05:50,950 Well, no problem. 122 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,960 I'll ask Megan to dig it out and I'll get back to you. 123 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,269 Thanks. 124 00:05:58,229 --> 00:06:00,039 All good otherwise? 125 00:06:00,039 --> 00:06:03,029 Er, yeah, I think so. 126 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,879 Have you started rehearsing for your assembly yet? 127 00:06:05,879 --> 00:06:07,669 Mr King's were always very lavish. 128 00:06:07,669 --> 00:06:10,109 Like West End theatre productions! 129 00:06:10,109 --> 00:06:13,109 Well, I'll... I'll try and make mine Wicked. 130 00:06:13,109 --> 00:06:16,549 That's a musical. Ah. 131 00:06:16,549 --> 00:06:18,830 Another one of your jokes. 132 00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:20,499 Well, I look forward to it. 133 00:06:20,499 --> 00:06:24,239 Always a joy to see the children take centre stage. 134 00:06:24,239 --> 00:06:27,619 We're a small school, Alan, as you can see, 135 00:06:27,619 --> 00:06:30,710 and we've very nearly been closed down a few times, 136 00:06:30,710 --> 00:06:32,499 but bringing in teachers such as yourself, 137 00:06:32,499 --> 00:06:35,463 with all your experience of the world, 138 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,704 it really helps the children grow, you know? 139 00:06:37,704 --> 00:06:40,263 Well, that's... That's all I want, Headmaster, it really is. 140 00:06:40,263 --> 00:06:43,143 Jolly good. Right, well, I'll get that bmail for you, 141 00:06:43,143 --> 00:06:47,133 and I'll get Megan to send it to you as a text. 142 00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:49,263 Take that, Ofsted! 143 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,383 That's very good. Is that going to be a pumpkin? Yes. Great. 144 00:06:55,383 --> 00:06:58,954 With some scary eyes on it. Make sure that your paint isn't dripping 145 00:06:58,954 --> 00:07:01,393 when you hang up your paintings, OK? 146 00:07:01,393 --> 00:07:03,103 Is yours still wet, Owen? Er, yes, sir. 147 00:07:03,103 --> 00:07:05,473 Well, put it on top of the tray for now. 148 00:07:05,473 --> 00:07:07,753 That's fantastic. And then, when it is dry, 149 00:07:07,753 --> 00:07:09,623 we will stick them all up on the display. 150 00:07:09,623 --> 00:07:11,023 Oh, thank you, Ceri, that's great. 151 00:07:11,023 --> 00:07:14,423 OK, you've got 15 minutes. Aprons off, go and have a play. 152 00:07:16,773 --> 00:07:18,753 Walking. That's it, off you go. 153 00:07:30,673 --> 00:07:34,263 Ceri, could I have a word with you, please? 154 00:07:37,063 --> 00:07:39,584 I mean, what were you thinking? Hmm? 155 00:07:43,954 --> 00:07:46,903 Those tadpoles are not going to turn into frogs now, are they? 156 00:07:46,903 --> 00:07:48,944 Why not? 157 00:07:48,944 --> 00:07:50,584 Because you boiled them in the kettle. 158 00:07:50,584 --> 00:07:53,023 I mean, why would you do that, Ceri? 159 00:07:53,023 --> 00:07:54,564 Global warming. 160 00:07:54,564 --> 00:07:57,694 I asked you to research it, not recreate it. 161 00:07:57,694 --> 00:08:00,263 Mr King once ate a goldfish. 162 00:08:00,263 --> 00:08:02,824 Yeah, well, I don't care what Mr King did. 163 00:08:02,824 --> 00:08:04,503 I'm getting a bit concerned about you, Ceri. 164 00:08:04,503 --> 00:08:05,574 I mean, last week, 165 00:08:05,574 --> 00:08:08,113 you pushed Simon's face into his birthday cake, didn't you? 166 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,954 What if his hair had caught fire on the candles? 167 00:08:09,954 --> 00:08:12,383 Have you seen that Michael Jackson video? 168 00:08:12,383 --> 00:08:14,824 Not the one about licking boys' bottoms, 169 00:08:14,824 --> 00:08:16,383 the one where his hair caught fire. 170 00:08:16,383 --> 00:08:17,943 It very nearly disfigured him... 171 00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:20,623 .even more. 172 00:08:20,623 --> 00:08:22,193 Who's Michael Jackson? 173 00:08:23,584 --> 00:08:24,913 Never mind. 174 00:08:26,584 --> 00:08:29,623 Is there anything going on at home that you want to tell me about? 175 00:08:30,903 --> 00:08:33,613 We're having an extension. OK. 176 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:36,343 Are Mummy and Daddy getting on all right? No shouting? 177 00:08:36,343 --> 00:08:38,493 Something upsetting you? 178 00:08:38,493 --> 00:08:40,323 I don't want the world to end. 179 00:08:40,323 --> 00:08:41,574 Well, it's not going to end. 180 00:08:41,574 --> 00:08:44,743 Who said it's going to end? The stinking rebellion. 181 00:08:44,743 --> 00:08:46,623 Who? 182 00:08:46,623 --> 00:08:49,673 You asked us to read about it for homework. 183 00:08:49,673 --> 00:08:51,343 You mean the climate change protesters? 184 00:08:51,343 --> 00:08:53,783 It frightened me. 185 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,493 Oh, you mustn't be frightened, Ceri. 186 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:56,673 I mean, you should feel 187 00:08:56,673 --> 00:08:59,113 that emotion and then do something positive with it. 188 00:09:00,824 --> 00:09:02,293 It's all right. 189 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:07,033 There, there. Sorry it frightened you. 190 00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:08,783 Now, do you want to go and play outside or... 191 00:09:09,863 --> 00:09:11,584 ...or do you want to stay inside with me? 192 00:09:11,584 --> 00:09:13,033 Stay with you. 193 00:09:13,033 --> 00:09:14,704 Good girl. 194 00:09:15,993 --> 00:09:17,704 Good girl. 195 00:09:31,143 --> 00:09:32,993 Little bit peckish, are we? 196 00:09:32,993 --> 00:09:34,584 Oh, sorry, Headmaster, 197 00:09:34,584 --> 00:09:35,824 I was just, erm, 198 00:09:35,824 --> 00:09:37,743 just practising a trick for the children. 199 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,793 Well, that's one way of teaching the food chain. 200 00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:41,063 HE CHUCKLES DRYLY 201 00:09:41,063 --> 00:09:43,653 I... I just wanted to have a quiet word with you, Alan, 202 00:09:43,653 --> 00:09:45,193 if you don't mind. Yes, of course. 203 00:09:46,223 --> 00:09:47,783 When you came in for your interview, 204 00:09:47,783 --> 00:09:50,273 you said you were keen to move to a smaller school, 205 00:09:50,273 --> 00:09:52,343 like ours, away from the cut and thrust, 206 00:09:52,343 --> 00:09:55,033 shall we say, of inner-city education 207 00:09:55,033 --> 00:09:57,383 and embrace a quieter pace of life. 208 00:09:57,383 --> 00:10:00,353 Yes, it's, erm, literally what the doctor ordered. 209 00:10:00,353 --> 00:10:02,743 Now, I know it's important we talk sensitively 210 00:10:02,743 --> 00:10:03,903 about mental health, 211 00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,183 so I just wanted to clarify... 212 00:10:07,263 --> 00:10:09,193 You went a bit doolally, didn't you? 213 00:10:10,783 --> 00:10:12,223 No. No, I... 214 00:10:13,273 --> 00:10:14,663 It was just the workload. 215 00:10:14,663 --> 00:10:18,103 I was exhausted, both physically, mentally. 216 00:10:18,103 --> 00:10:20,033 I did lose myself for a time, 217 00:10:20,033 --> 00:10:22,793 but, erm, coming here's done me the world of good. 218 00:10:22,793 --> 00:10:24,623 Why do you ask? 219 00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:25,834 Well, the thing is... 220 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,343 HE SIGHS 221 00:10:27,343 --> 00:10:29,423 ...an allegation has been made against you, 222 00:10:29,423 --> 00:10:32,293 and it's my duty to investigate it. 223 00:10:32,293 --> 00:10:35,013 What allegation? I can't divulge that at the moment. 224 00:10:35,013 --> 00:10:36,983 Well, who's made it? She doesn't want to say. 225 00:10:36,983 --> 00:10:39,933 So it's a girl? She may or may not be. 226 00:10:39,933 --> 00:10:41,783 The point is I promised Ceri's parents 227 00:10:41,783 --> 00:10:44,834 that she, or he, would have absolute anonymity. 228 00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:47,663 So it's Ceri? Yes. Right. 229 00:10:47,663 --> 00:10:50,863 So now you've wormed that out of me, can you tell me 230 00:10:50,863 --> 00:10:52,023 in your own words 231 00:10:52,023 --> 00:10:54,663 what happened Tuesday morning, break time? 232 00:10:54,663 --> 00:10:58,513 What do you mean, what happened? Nothing happened. 233 00:10:58,513 --> 00:11:00,143 She'd been behaving strangely for a while. 234 00:11:00,143 --> 00:11:02,063 She killed all the tadpoles. 235 00:11:02,063 --> 00:11:03,633 I kept her behind to talk to her about it. 236 00:11:03,633 --> 00:11:06,704 And at no point did you ask her 237 00:11:06,704 --> 00:11:09,183 if she wanted to play the hairy meat whistle? 238 00:11:09,183 --> 00:11:11,584 What? No. 239 00:11:11,584 --> 00:11:13,373 And you didn't say, 240 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:17,353 "Do you want to see how sir can make his own tadpoles?” 241 00:11:17,353 --> 00:11:20,704 Definitely not, that's horrible. Are you sure? 242 00:11:20,704 --> 00:11:22,783 Yes, I think I'd remember saying that. 243 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:25,063 Well, where do you suppose she's got this from, then? 244 00:11:25,063 --> 00:11:27,273 Because I don't recall that being in the Biff and Chip books. 245 00:11:27,273 --> 00:11:28,574 I don't know. Maybe she saw something 246 00:11:28,574 --> 00:11:30,483 inappropriate online, it happens all the time. 247 00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:32,863 Not with our Wi-Fi connection, it doesn't. 248 00:11:32,863 --> 00:11:36,113 It takes me all weekend to download one Country file. 249 00:11:37,183 --> 00:11:39,933 Did you talk to her about Michael Jackson doing things 250 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,193 with boys' anuses? 251 00:11:44,733 --> 00:11:46,633 Yes, but I never said anuses. 252 00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:48,943 Well, that's something. 253 00:11:50,023 --> 00:11:51,704 Now, I've talked the girl's parents down 254 00:11:51,704 --> 00:11:53,483 from making an official complaint, 255 00:11:53,483 --> 00:11:54,993 but I don't want to drag the police into it 256 00:11:54,993 --> 00:11:56,193 if I can help it. 257 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,714 We're an independent school and we like to deal 258 00:11:58,714 --> 00:12:00,793 with these types of things within the community. 259 00:12:00,793 --> 00:12:02,594 What, so this has happened before? 260 00:12:03,783 --> 00:12:05,834 You're new here, and I'm not being funny, 261 00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:07,433 but I don't know you from Alan. 262 00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:09,553 It's Adam. Oh, sorry, I thought it was Alan. 263 00:12:10,633 --> 00:12:13,133 I'm sure you understand, Adam, that, as head of this school, 264 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,863 I have to establish the facts of this matter 265 00:12:15,863 --> 00:12:17,353 before I can allow Ceri 266 00:12:17,353 --> 00:12:18,993 back into your clutches, so to speak. 267 00:12:18,993 --> 00:12:22,063 Yes, of course. You want me to make a statement? 268 00:12:22,063 --> 00:12:24,223 No, I want you to show me your penis. 269 00:12:24,223 --> 00:12:25,473 What? 270 00:12:25,473 --> 00:12:28,793 The girl has given quite a vivid description 271 00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:31,103 and I believe made a Plasticine model, 272 00:12:31,103 --> 00:12:32,783 but I didn't want to touch it. 273 00:12:32,783 --> 00:12:37,073 I need to see if this tallies with the real thing. 274 00:12:37,073 --> 00:12:39,383 So I've got to do an identity parade? What if it's not mine? 275 00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:41,714 Are you going to take it around the kingdom like Cinderella? 276 00:12:41,714 --> 00:12:43,143 Don't be facetious, Adam, 277 00:12:43,143 --> 00:12:45,824 I'm trying to get to the bottom of this, one way or the other. 278 00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:47,473 Either you're lying or the girl's lying. 279 00:12:47,473 --> 00:12:49,103 I just can't believe this. 280 00:12:49,103 --> 00:12:51,353 I can always contact your union representative... 281 00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:52,714 No... 282 00:12:52,714 --> 00:12:53,863 No. 283 00:12:53,863 --> 00:12:56,633 Well, just make it quick, all right? 284 00:13:02,863 --> 00:13:04,383 Ooh... 285 00:13:08,223 --> 00:13:10,853 All very neat and tidy, that's what I like to see. 286 00:13:10,853 --> 00:13:12,923 What are you looking for, exactly? 287 00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:15,063 Ah, now that would be telling. 288 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,663 They say... 289 00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:19,503 ...they're like snowflakes - 290 00:13:19,503 --> 00:13:21,223 no two are alike. 291 00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,023 This is ridiculous. 292 00:13:24,023 --> 00:13:25,714 DOOR OPENS 293 00:13:25,714 --> 00:13:28,714 Oh, sorry, Winnie, we're a bit busy here. 294 00:13:28,714 --> 00:13:29,993 Oh! 295 00:13:29,993 --> 00:13:32,503 Hello, Mr Curtis, you're here late. 296 00:13:32,503 --> 00:13:34,714 Is it all right for me to clean now? 297 00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:36,303 Not just at the moment. 298 00:13:36,303 --> 00:13:39,673 Oh, don't worry about Winnie, she's blind as a bat. 299 00:13:39,673 --> 00:13:41,633 It's fine, Winnie, you go right ahead. 300 00:13:41,633 --> 00:13:43,313 Is that you, Mr Edwards? 301 00:13:43,313 --> 00:13:45,943 I didn't see you down there. You keeping busy? 302 00:13:45,943 --> 00:13:48,353 Yes, I've got my hands full, as usual. 303 00:13:48,353 --> 00:13:49,863 CAMERA CLICKS 304 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:52,464 Don't worry, I can clean around you. 305 00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:55,383 I have to save some time to tackle the boys' toilets. 306 00:13:55,383 --> 00:13:58,584 The size of some of those stools... 307 00:13:58,584 --> 00:14:00,663 I don't know what their mothers feed them. 308 00:14:00,663 --> 00:14:03,353 Like airport Toblerones, some of them. 309 00:14:09,203 --> 00:14:10,273 Ugh. 310 00:14:12,553 --> 00:14:14,594 Are you all done here? 311 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,383 I think so, yes. 312 00:14:18,594 --> 00:14:21,454 MR EDWARDS GROANS I'll be in touch 313 00:14:21,454 --> 00:14:24,113 once I've got my head around this. CHUCKLES 314 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,873 Thank you, Adam. 315 00:14:31,643 --> 00:14:37,093 We were just, erm, discussing a possible arts project. 316 00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:40,793 Oh, I thought he was taking photographs of your cock. 317 00:14:41,863 --> 00:14:46,423 OK, Class 9, I'm handing out these worksheets on fractions. 318 00:14:46,423 --> 00:14:49,743 You have got 15 minutes. 319 00:14:49,743 --> 00:14:51,263 Do as many as you can. 320 00:14:51,263 --> 00:14:53,913 Remember to put your names at the top, please. 321 00:14:53,913 --> 00:14:56,433 Sir, what happened to Ceri? 322 00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:57,823 What do you mean? 323 00:14:57,823 --> 00:14:59,943 Where is she? I don't know. 324 00:14:59,943 --> 00:15:03,993 Now tight lips, please, Owen. We listen with these, not these. 325 00:15:10,153 --> 00:15:11,943 WHISPERING 326 00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:13,633 Quiet. 327 00:15:16,223 --> 00:15:17,663 GIGGLING 328 00:15:19,233 --> 00:15:21,033 I said, quiet! 329 00:15:21,033 --> 00:15:23,743 GIGGLING INTENSIFIES 330 00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:26,073 What have you got there? 331 00:15:26,073 --> 00:15:28,823 Owen, what is that? 332 00:15:28,823 --> 00:15:31,343 Nothing, sir! I'm not an idiot, show me. 333 00:15:32,343 --> 00:15:34,153 All right, who's got it? 334 00:15:34,153 --> 00:15:37,753 Give it to me. Give it to me now. 335 00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,393 What's this? Gwen? 336 00:15:43,393 --> 00:15:44,714 Gwen? 337 00:15:44,714 --> 00:15:46,093 Ca... 338 00:15:46,093 --> 00:15:47,663 LAUGHTER ERUPTS 339 00:15:47,663 --> 00:15:48,983 Carrot, sir. 340 00:15:48,983 --> 00:15:50,103 A carrot? 341 00:15:50,103 --> 00:15:51,714 Well, why are you laughing, then? 342 00:15:51,714 --> 00:15:54,153 Is it because this bit looks like a penis? 343 00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:55,183 CLASS SILENCES 344 00:15:55,183 --> 00:15:57,233 A big floppy penis?! 345 00:15:57,233 --> 00:16:00,673 Everything all right, Mr Curtis? 346 00:16:00,673 --> 00:16:05,513 Yes, we were just doing fractions and... biology. 347 00:16:05,513 --> 00:16:08,793 Interesting combination. 348 00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:11,183 I have young Ceri Morgan for you. 349 00:16:11,183 --> 00:16:14,023 Ceri, would you like to take a seat? Good girl. 350 00:16:16,153 --> 00:16:19,153 Everything, er, all right now, Headmaster? 351 00:16:19,153 --> 00:16:23,163 Yes, yes, all cleared up, no further action required. 352 00:16:23,163 --> 00:16:25,433 Suffice to say there was quite a big discrepancy 353 00:16:25,433 --> 00:16:26,714 between the two images. 354 00:16:26,714 --> 00:16:28,383 In your favour, I have to add. 355 00:16:28,383 --> 00:16:30,633 So, you know, every cloud... 356 00:16:30,633 --> 00:16:33,464 Oh, well. Good, thanks. 357 00:16:33,464 --> 00:16:34,633 As you were. 358 00:16:37,993 --> 00:16:39,553 It's nice to have you back, Ceri. 359 00:16:53,553 --> 00:16:55,673 Just to say, 360 00:16:55,673 --> 00:16:58,183 if you're struggling to find the right answer... 361 00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:01,753 ...don't just make something up, 362 00:17:01,753 --> 00:17:03,943 because that has consequences. 363 00:17:03,943 --> 00:17:06,383 Just put your hand up and talk to me. 364 00:17:06,383 --> 00:17:09,353 I can't help you if I don't know what's going on. 365 00:17:09,353 --> 00:17:11,873 So don't go behind my back. 366 00:17:11,873 --> 00:17:13,993 OK? Good. 367 00:17:51,183 --> 00:17:52,823 Oh. Hi, Winnie. 368 00:17:52,823 --> 00:17:54,233 Oh, hello, dear. 369 00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:57,153 I just wondered if you wanted to take a leek. 370 00:17:57,153 --> 00:17:58,393 Sorry? 371 00:17:58,393 --> 00:18:00,113 For the harvest festival. 372 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:01,793 I've had a good crop this year. 373 00:18:01,793 --> 00:18:04,513 Nice big potatoes, radishes... 374 00:18:04,513 --> 00:18:07,673 My turnips have won prizes, you know. 375 00:18:07,673 --> 00:18:10,393 Well, congratulations. 376 00:18:12,903 --> 00:18:14,233 Winnie... 377 00:18:15,543 --> 00:18:20,033 What was, erm, Mr King like with the children? 378 00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:22,623 Oh, well, I'm not in the lessons, like. 379 00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:24,313 They all seemed to love him. 380 00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:26,883 He was a real star! 381 00:18:26,883 --> 00:18:28,113 Quite a dish, too. 382 00:18:29,714 --> 00:18:31,594 He sounds too good to be true. 383 00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:36,793 Well, your, erm, neeps are very impressive, Winnie. 384 00:18:39,604 --> 00:18:40,953 Thank you. 385 00:18:43,673 --> 00:18:45,903 This is a brand-new Playtex. 386 00:18:47,313 --> 00:18:50,623 Lift and separate. 387 00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:54,963 I, er, meant the vegetables. 388 00:18:54,963 --> 00:18:58,623 Well, that's Mother Nature working her magic. 389 00:19:01,313 --> 00:19:04,523 Winnie, I promised the headmaster I'd get those reports to him 390 00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:06,594 by the end of the day - it's completely slipped my mind. 391 00:19:06,594 --> 00:19:09,383 You don't, erm... You don't happen to have a... 392 00:19:09,383 --> 00:19:12,443 ...key to his office, do you? 393 00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,823 Please? 394 00:19:14,823 --> 00:19:17,233 Oh, go on, then. 395 00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:18,953 As long as you're quick. 396 00:19:18,953 --> 00:19:21,103 Thank you. I'll be two minutes. 397 00:19:54,604 --> 00:19:55,953 No King. 398 00:20:35,243 --> 00:20:36,803 Headmaster, it's Alan Curtis. 399 00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,963 Oh, hello, Adam, what can I do for you? 400 00:20:38,963 --> 00:20:42,344 I need to talk to you urgently about several things, 401 00:20:42,344 --> 00:20:44,393 firstly about Mr King. 402 00:20:44,393 --> 00:20:48,113 This school has no record of him ever having worked here. 403 00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,623 What's that? Sorry, it's a very bad line. 404 00:20:50,623 --> 00:20:52,393 Something about Mr King? 405 00:20:52,393 --> 00:20:55,063 The class teacher last year was a Mr Hardy, 406 00:20:55,063 --> 00:20:56,263 a completely different person. 407 00:20:56,263 --> 00:20:58,153 I don't know what this King has been doing here, 408 00:20:58,153 --> 00:20:59,833 being given access to children, but... 409 00:21:01,063 --> 00:21:02,843 ...I think there's been abuse going on, 410 00:21:02,843 --> 00:21:05,063 it's been covered up, and I think you, Mr Edwards, 411 00:21:05,063 --> 00:21:06,963 are part of it! 412 00:21:06,963 --> 00:21:09,683 I'm losing you, Adam, it's a terrible connection. 413 00:21:09,683 --> 00:21:12,513 I'm just in the field - I'll come and see you shortly, OK? 414 00:21:12,513 --> 00:21:14,563 You won't get away with this, do you hear? 415 00:21:25,553 --> 00:21:28,983 Oh, Class 9, what's this? 416 00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:31,403 We want to show you our assembly. 417 00:21:31,403 --> 00:21:33,983 Oh, well, I was just going to do quiet reading today, 418 00:21:33,983 --> 00:21:35,793 but, erm, maybe tomorrow we could... 419 00:21:35,793 --> 00:21:37,073 Oh, please, sir, 420 00:21:37,073 --> 00:21:39,393 we've been working really hard on what you taught us. 421 00:21:39,393 --> 00:21:41,523 Er... OK, go ahead. 422 00:21:41,523 --> 00:21:42,913 BOY CLEARS THROAT 423 00:21:42,913 --> 00:21:44,953 DRAMATICALLY: Welcome to our assembly! 424 00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:49,673 We have glued ourselves 425 00:21:49,673 --> 00:21:52,153 to the Prime Minister's house to protest 426 00:21:52,153 --> 00:21:53,553 against climate change. 427 00:21:53,553 --> 00:21:55,163 Ha! Very good. 428 00:21:55,163 --> 00:21:57,513 Global warming is the biggest threat 429 00:21:57,513 --> 00:22:02,193 to our planet, planet Earth. 430 00:22:02,193 --> 00:22:06,683 What can we do to stop it? Hmm... 431 00:22:10,623 --> 00:22:14,063 Hey, you! What are you doing? 432 00:22:14,063 --> 00:22:17,183 Me? Nothing. It's only plastic. 433 00:22:17,183 --> 00:22:18,344 HE GAGS 434 00:22:18,344 --> 00:22:20,783 Plastic is slowly choking me... 435 00:22:22,543 --> 00:22:25,523 ...filling my oceans and killing wildlife. 436 00:22:25,523 --> 00:22:26,673 What can I do? 437 00:22:26,673 --> 00:22:29,243 CHILDREN: Recycling! 438 00:22:29,243 --> 00:22:30,993 HE CHUCKLES 439 00:22:30,993 --> 00:22:32,153 Take that. 440 00:22:33,793 --> 00:22:35,673 We'll recycle him later. 441 00:22:35,673 --> 00:22:38,243 Oh, I don't think that's appropriate, Class 9. 442 00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:47,193 What have you done to this chair? 443 00:22:47,193 --> 00:22:48,833 Superglue. 444 00:22:48,833 --> 00:22:51,354 You're part of the protest too, sir. 445 00:22:51,354 --> 00:22:53,763 That isn't funny, Ceri. All right, stop this now. 446 00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:56,963 Saving the planet started thousands of years ago. 447 00:22:56,963 --> 00:22:59,143 In the beginning, the Earth Goddess was 448 00:22:59,143 --> 00:23:03,513 the one who expressed herself through the many. 449 00:23:03,513 --> 00:23:06,503 She was the great void, the beginning of all things. 450 00:23:06,503 --> 00:23:09,263 All souls were born from her sacred womb, 451 00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:12,713 lived for a span upon her body, the Earth, 452 00:23:12,713 --> 00:23:15,123 then returned to her tomb-womb 453 00:23:15,123 --> 00:23:16,833 at death. Tomb-womb? 454 00:23:16,833 --> 00:23:19,203 I'm sorry, I don't think that's key stage 2. 455 00:23:19,203 --> 00:23:21,553 But Mr King said... 456 00:23:21,553 --> 00:23:23,323 Look, I don't know who this Mr King was 457 00:23:23,323 --> 00:23:27,123 or what he was teaching you, but it's not normal, all right? 458 00:23:27,123 --> 00:23:29,843 I'm going to make an official complaint. 459 00:23:29,843 --> 00:23:31,913 Now please get me out of this chair. 460 00:23:31,913 --> 00:23:33,983 In the 15th century, 461 00:23:33,983 --> 00:23:37,683 Peru children were sacrificed to the gods 462 00:23:37,683 --> 00:23:41,243 to try and end natural disasters. 463 00:23:41,243 --> 00:23:46,633 But in modern times, we the children are demanding sacrifices of our own. 464 00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:48,873 What are you talking about? 465 00:23:48,873 --> 00:23:51,713 Wait, wait, is this why you killed the tadpoles? 466 00:23:51,713 --> 00:23:55,043 To try and end climate change? No talking, Mr King. 467 00:23:55,043 --> 00:23:57,273 We listen with these, not these. 468 00:23:57,273 --> 00:23:59,763 I'm not Mr King! 469 00:23:59,763 --> 00:24:01,753 Tight lips, sir. 470 00:24:01,753 --> 00:24:03,474 No, no, don't... 471 00:24:03,474 --> 00:24:04,793 HE MUMBLES 472 00:24:12,763 --> 00:24:14,953 We have learned about reusable energy. 473 00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:17,703 We have learned about recycling and rebirth. 474 00:24:17,703 --> 00:24:21,594 John Barleycorn was the first man to recycle himself, 475 00:24:21,594 --> 00:24:25,323 to replenish the Earth's bounty. This is his story. 476 00:24:28,983 --> 00:24:30,553 HE MUMBLES 477 00:24:40,703 --> 00:24:42,793 ALAN'S BREATH QUICKENS 478 00:24:44,993 --> 00:24:47,073 FOLK MUSIC PLAYS 479 00:24:50,873 --> 00:24:53,583 ♪ There were three men come out of the west 480 00:24:53,583 --> 00:24:56,973 ♪ Their fortunes for to try 481 00:24:56,973 --> 00:24:59,793 ♪ And these three men made a solemn vow 482 00:24:59,793 --> 00:25:01,153 ♪ John Barleycorn should die... ♪ 483 00:25:01,153 --> 00:25:03,484 What on earth is going on here?! 484 00:25:03,484 --> 00:25:04,513 MUSIC STOPS 485 00:25:06,073 --> 00:25:07,433 What do you think you're doing? 486 00:25:07,433 --> 00:25:09,153 We're doing our assembly, sir. 487 00:25:09,153 --> 00:25:11,433 Assembly? That's not till next week. 488 00:25:11,433 --> 00:25:12,723 ALAN GRUNTS LOUDLY 489 00:25:12,723 --> 00:25:14,993 Are you all right, Mr Curtis? ALAN GRUNTS 490 00:25:14,993 --> 00:25:17,403 What have they done to your mouth? 491 00:25:17,403 --> 00:25:18,494 ALAN GRUNTS LOUDLY 492 00:25:18,494 --> 00:25:21,484 We were about to tell the story of John Barleycorn. 493 00:25:25,484 --> 00:25:29,494 Ah, my favourite part. Carry on. 494 00:25:29,494 --> 00:25:33,633 John Barleycorn represents the life cycle of the field. 495 00:25:33,633 --> 00:25:35,833 He is crowned once a year at the start 496 00:25:35,833 --> 00:25:40,053 of the harvest festival and revered as the Corn King. 497 00:25:41,043 --> 00:25:42,873 Last year, as you discovered, 498 00:25:42,873 --> 00:25:44,763 Mr Hardy was given the hon our. 499 00:25:44,763 --> 00:25:47,113 This year, the crown is yours. 500 00:25:47,113 --> 00:25:50,484 We discovered you are as nature intended. 501 00:25:50,484 --> 00:25:53,433 Uncut and still sheathed. 502 00:25:55,693 --> 00:25:59,003 A perfect candidate for our new corn king. 503 00:25:59,003 --> 00:26:01,923 Thank you, Ceri, you did it beautifully. 504 00:26:01,923 --> 00:26:04,283 When his reign is ended, the King is returned 505 00:26:04,283 --> 00:26:07,283 to the land and honoured with a triple death - 506 00:26:07,283 --> 00:26:09,683 drowned, strangled and dismembered, 507 00:26:09,683 --> 00:26:12,153 his broken body buried in the field 508 00:26:12,153 --> 00:26:14,593 to ensure a fertile harvest. 509 00:26:14,593 --> 00:26:16,193 Like human beans! 510 00:26:16,193 --> 00:26:19,403 MR EDWARDS CHUCKLES Exactly, Gwen, like human beans. 511 00:26:19,403 --> 00:26:21,153 GWEN CHUCKLES 512 00:26:22,643 --> 00:26:25,203 You and your fancy friends in London 513 00:26:25,203 --> 00:26:26,643 may pat yourselves on the back 514 00:26:26,643 --> 00:26:29,763 that you've finally woken up to environmental issues, but... 515 00:26:31,043 --> 00:26:33,923 ...we've been doing our bit for the planet for centuries now. 516 00:26:35,303 --> 00:26:37,303 Come, children. 517 00:26:37,303 --> 00:26:41,273 The King is dead. Long live the King. 518 00:26:41,273 --> 00:26:44,313 CHILDREN: Long live the King! 519 00:26:44,313 --> 00:26:45,863 DRUM THUMPS 520 00:26:50,484 --> 00:26:51,783 HE MUMBLES 521 00:26:53,123 --> 00:26:55,843 GRUNTING 522 00:27:13,723 --> 00:27:18,003 Winnie, we're ready for you now. 523 00:27:32,073 --> 00:27:35,803 You're going to do my leeks the world of good. 524 00:27:35,803 --> 00:27:38,354 ♪ There were three men come out of the west 525 00:27:38,354 --> 00:27:41,403 ♪ Their fortunes for to try 526 00:27:41,403 --> 00:27:44,153 ♪ And these three men made a solemn vow 527 00:27:44,153 --> 00:27:46,244 ♪ John Barleycorn should die 528 00:27:46,244 --> 00:27:50,633 ♪ Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 529 00:27:50,633 --> 00:27:52,883 ♪ Fa la la la la la la 530 00:27:52,883 --> 00:27:55,563 ♪ Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 531 00:27:55,563 --> 00:27:58,474 ♪ Fa la la la la la la 532 00:27:58,474 --> 00:28:01,773 ♪ They wheeled him all around the field 533 00:28:01,773 --> 00:28:03,593 ♪ A prisoner to endure 534 00:28:03,593 --> 00:28:07,203 ♪ And in the barn poor Barleycorn 535 00:28:07,203 --> 00:28:10,023 ♪ They laid him upon the floor 536 00:28:10,023 --> 00:28:12,923 ♪ Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 537 00:28:12,923 --> 00:28:15,793 ♪ Fa la la la la la la 538 00:28:15,793 --> 00:28:18,203 ♪ Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 539 00:28:18,203 --> 00:28:21,484 ♪ Fa la la la la la la 540 00:28:21,484 --> 00:28:24,484 ♪ They hired men with the crab tree sticks 541 00:28:24,484 --> 00:28:27,433 ♪ To cut him skin from bone 542 00:28:27,433 --> 00:28:30,283 ♪ And the miller, he served him worse than that 543 00:28:30,283 --> 00:28:33,033 ♪ For he ground him between two stones 544 00:28:33,033 --> 00:28:36,153 ♪ Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 545 00:28:36,153 --> 00:28:38,923 ♪ Fa la la la la la la 546 00:28:38,923 --> 00:28:41,953 ♪ Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 547 00:28:41,953 --> 00:28:44,843 ♪ Fa la la la la la la... ♪