- Hey, bro, I swiped some lunches
from the teachers' lounge.
You want Bradford's bagel bites or Senor Noodleman's noodles?
- Thanks, buddy,
but I got a special lunch planned with Allison.
I even reserved the bubblegum-free bench.
Hey! Don't you dare gum that bench.
- [jazz music]
- Hey there, all you hip cats and dolls,
it's your favorite teacher, Mr. Schecter
bringing you some drama for yo' mama.
- [jazz music]
- Curtains up, people.
The drama club is casting its latest play.
- "A Kiss From My Angel,"
so if you wanna be a star auditions are tomorrow.
- Until then...stay jazzy!
- STUDENTS: [applauding, cheering]
- Hey, I didn't know Allison was in the drama club.
- Till a minute ago I didn't know we had a drama club.
- You worried about her getting the leading role in the play?
- Till a minute ago I didn't know this school did plays.
- Well, as her boyfriend, you should be worried.
It's Nate Lockhart.
He always get the lead and the leading ladies.
They always fall for him even if they already have a boyfriend.
- Yeah, do not trust him around your girlfriend.
That guy's a snake.
Hey, yo, Nate, you like noodles?
What? I don't have a girlfriend.
- You think I care about some dude in drama club?
Allison and I are fine.
- Hasn't she canceled lunch three times this week?
- Max, I have to cancel lunch today.
- Four times this week.
- I have to rehearse for my audition.
If I'm lucky I'll be Nate's next leading lady.
Oh, he is so hot right now.
- Uh, excuse me.
- You know, his public school drama career is on fire
and I wanna be close enough to catch some of that heat!
[laughing]
Talk to you later.
- Nate's on fire, but you're the one who got burned.
- *
* What you see
* Is not what you get
* Livin' our lives with a secret *
* We fit right in
* Bet you never guessed
* 'Cause we're livin' our lives *
* Just like all the rest
* A picture perfect family *
* Is what we try to be
* Look closer, you might see *
* The crazy things we do
* This isn't make believe *
* It's our reality
* Just your average family
* Trying to be normal and stay out of trouble *
* Livin' a double life *
- *
- Hey, girls.
Just, uh...
Uh, Hattie, have I ever told you how awesome you are?
And Roxy, you're amazing.
- Max, why are you lying to my friends?
You know what I mean.
- You two should totally audition
for the female lead in the drama club's play.
- I can't audition. I get stage fright.
- And I get stage rage.
[growly voice] Don't ask!
- So, Phoebe, have I ever told you how amazing you are?
- Ha ha, Max.
I know you don't want Allison to get the lead and fall for Nate,
so if you want me to audition, you know what you gotta do.
- Ugh, fine.
Listen up, everyone!
Phoebe is the best sister,
and you're all lucky to have her as a friend.
#TeamPhoebe.
- Okay, I just wanted you to say "Please,"
but that works, too.
- Wow, I didn't think it'd be that easy.
What's your angle? - No angle.
I happen to like you with Allison.
I'm actually surprised it's lasted this long.
I mean like shocked.
She's like so nice and pretty and you're like you.
- Okay, I get it!
- NORA: Here he comes. Ask him.
- Hey, Dad, do you go to the bathroom
standing up or sitting down?
- Neither.
- What he meant was...
can you build us a playhouse?
- I'd love to.
You guys can play in it for a week and then forget about it,
a bunch of rats will move in, I'll have to tear it down.
Ooh, I'll accidentally poke myself
with a rusty nail and get lockjaw.
Ha ha ha, I can't wait.
- Sweet! We're getting a playhouse.
- Your brain's a playhouse.
- CHLOE: [whooshing]
I'll build it for you.
- Sorry, Chloe, you can't build a playhouse with cuteness.
- Nora, Dad says you can.
[whooshing]
- Come on, maybe Mom will do it,
but you ask this time.
- Hey, Mom, can you build us a playhouse?
- Billy! Don't ask her that.
- But you just said. - [sharp smack]
- You know Dad said Mom wasn't very good with tools
so we shouldn't ask her.
- BILLY & BARB: He did?
- But he said not to say anything.
Please don't tell him Billy blew it.
- Of course not.
So, you kids want a playhouse, huh?
- I'm not sure what's going on anymore.
- Well, I would be happy to build one for you.
Let me just go find those tools I'm "not very good with."
- Okay, Max, I'm ready to practice for my audition.
- Oh, good, I brought in a celebrated actor
to help you prepare.
- Please tell me it's a Hemsworth brother.
- Even furrier.
- Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
- Oh, maybe Romeo left-- just like I'm about to.
- No, wait.
Seriously, Colosso's really good.
He could help you get the lead.
- And if you think you can do better, let's see it.
- Fine.
[clearing throat]
[mock British accent] Romeo! Romeo!
Wherefore art thou?
[high-pitched] Romeo?
- Oh, no, she's terrible.
- Give her a break.
No, seriously, go over there
and break every bone in her body.
- Barb, are you building the kids a playhouse?
- Yeah, despite the rumor,
it turns out I'm pretty good with tools.
- Of course you are--
except I would've used screws not nails.
They last longer.
- Not what the directions say, Hank!
- Well, sometimes you just gotta follow your instincts.
- [hammering] Sorry, can't hear you!
I'm too busy using this hammer properly.
- Just trying to help.
- I think we might be able to get two playhouses out of this.
Follow my lead.
- This isn't what you meant. Got it.
- I wish there was a way to know
who could build a better playhouse--
By the Book Barb or Freestylin' Hank.
- I don't know. Mom's already got a head start.
There's no way Dad could catch up.
- Yeah, it's not like he could fly away
and be back with an armful of lumber in 30 seconds.
- Fifteen! Freestylin' Hank, away!
- [hammering faster]
- Hi, I'm Allison and I'll be doing a monologue
from the hit teen military comedy "Sergeant Selfie."
OMG! Today was my first day at boot camp and guess what?
These are the worst boots ever!
- Gouda, Gouda, Gouda! Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!
Blah, blah, blah!
- Allison's out there nailing it
and you're back here practicing barfs?
- I'm not barfing. This is a training exercise.
- But you have to do great,
if you wanna beat Allison for the lead.
So remember, everything you did in my lair,
don't do that.
- Just leave me alone. I got this.
- AUDIENCE: [light applause]
- Hi, I'm Phoebe Thunderman and I'll be performing a monologue--
- Hold!
You call those angel wings?
I've seen prettier feathers on truck stop pigeons.
Pencil!
- Stand up straight. You're slouching.
- What are you doing? - Helping you.
Now move into the light.
Ugh, gross, your elbows look way bigger now.
- Stop it!
I can do this without you.
For once in your life just trust me.
I know it's hard for you, but you have no choice,
'cause I'm the one up here, I'm the one doing the work.
I'm the one who's gonna crush it, all for you,
so just go back in the hole you crawled out of
and leave me alone.
- I've seen enough!
- What? Ha, no, that wasn't--
- Next!
- Oh, I'm too nervous. I can't do it. You look.
- Yes! - I got the lead?
- No-o-o.
- Well, then who did?
- I got the lead?
- Oh, oh, oh, of course you did.
Your monologue was amazing.
It was like you were talking directly to
the person you hate the most.
A star is born and her name is Poobie Tinderman!
- It's, uh, Phoebe Thunderman.
- Change it! [snapping fingers]
- I'm looking forward to working with you, Phoebe.
- [spritzing mouthwash]
I'll see you at rehearsals.
- So, you get to be angel number three, huh?
Well, that'll be cool.
You get to wear a halo, some wings, do angel stuff.
Yeah, I read the play.
- Well, thanks for being so mature about this, Max.
It makes me realize I'm with the right guy.
- Hey, I'd support you no matter how small
and meaningless your part is.
- I'm talking about you being so cool
with me having a big kissing scene with Nate.
I'm catching that heat! [laughing]
- I should've read the play.
I should've read the play.
- Dude, congrats. I heard Phoebe got the lead in the play.
You got what you wanted.
- Yeah, but Allison got angel number three
and has to kiss Nate. - What?
That's not what you wanted.
- We both know what will happen if she kisses him.
- [wedding music]
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Ha! Been there, done that.
- [palm slap]
- [wedding bells chiming] - [pounding on glass]
[muffled screaming]
- [wedding bells echoing]
- This is a nightmare. - I know.
I can't believe they're gonna ride off together
on a talking dragon.
- Phoebe!
Why didn't you tell me angel number three kisses Nate?
- You should've read the play.
- I know I should've read the play!
How are we gonna fix this?
- It's just a stupid kiss.
It's not like Nate and Allison are gonna fall for each other
and get married in a high school hallway.
- It could happen!
- Relax, Max. This is all in your head.
Nate's only interested in leading ladies,
and hello, leading lady.
- Phoebe, Phoebe! - Roxy!
- We're here entourage now.
We do not call her by her first name.
- Guys, I know having an entourage is one of my perks,
being the star and all,
but I'm still the same old Phoebe--
just without a chai latte in my hand, thank you.
- Nate, wants to run lines with you over lunch.
He even reserved the bubblegum-free bench.
- PHOEBE: [giggling]
See, Max? That silly kiss won't even matter.
The big stars always wanna be with other big stars.
It's just the natural order of things.
Just like how wherever I go, my entourage follows.
Guys!
- Oh, right, sorry!
- [sighing] Phoebe's wrong.
This is not all in my head.
- Who's got two lips and is about to kiss your girlfriend?
[exaggerated kissing] - [locker door slams]
- You figure it out yet? [exaggerated kissing]
- [locker door slams]
- It doesn't matter how I got here.
What matters is that I'm with you now.
- You must hide.
No one at Angel Prom can know you are not an angel.
- Silence!
I mean, take five.
- Why do we always take fives during my scenes?
- Because I can hear you through the ear plugs.
- Ignore Schecter. I dig your method.
It's so real. You're my perfect leading lady.
- [laughing]
- Great job, Phoebe. - Cool death scene.
- Wait, that wasn't a death scene.
- Told you.
- Let's do the final scene.
Nate, this is when you find love and kiss Allison.
Angel number three, pucker up.
- Will you make me the happiest non-angel and kiss me?
- Yes, Seth from Kentucky, yes!
- Not on my watch. - [powers zapping]
- [column thuds, sphere rolls]
- Whoa, that was weird.
Allison, are you okay?
- Max, what are you doing here?
- Well, I signed up to be a stagehand
to support my girlfriend and all her acting buddies.
Hey, Nate!
- Excuse you.
We're trying to rehearse the big kiss.
Step aside, stagehand.
Let's try that big kiss again.
And action!
- Yes, Seth from Kentucky, yes!
- [powers zapping] - [pail clatters]
- What the heck is going on?
- Amateurs. Am I right, Mr. Schecter?
- What are you talking about?
- Well, I don't need to tell an experienced
theater person like you-- it's obviously bad luck
to rehearse a kiss before opening night.
You know, the kiss curse.
I mean, look what just happened.
- Of course, the kiss curse.
Yes, one of the biggies and I know all about it
because I didn't lie about
my theater experience to get this job.
- Okay, so we're not rehearsing the kiss?
- Keep up, amateur.
No kiss until opening night!
- The director has spoken!
- BARB: [hammering]
- Fooling Mom and Dad was easier than I thought.
- I know, we got two playhouses.
Someone should put our pictures up in the Kids Hall of Fame.
- Yeah, after we get Mom and Dad to build it.
- NORA: [laughing]
- *
- So, here we are, Nate, opening night.
- [sandbag thuds] - NATE: [screams]
Why does that keep happening?
- I have a few ideas.
- Listen, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.
- Oh, Nate, I'm flattered,
but, uh, I can't string you along anymore.
There's never gonna be an "us."
- Yeah, duh!
- I'm glad you understa-- Wait, what?
- Phoebe, you're cute and all, but you're just not my type.
I like girls who are into theater.
- I'm literally in the play.
- Oh, sorry, I didn't finish.
I like girls who are into theater and can act.
- Wow, I thought you said I was the perfect leading lady.
- I did.
I couldn't have you quit and jeopardize the play.
Then I wouldn't get to kiss Allison and steal her from Max.
I just wanted to ask which breath spray I should use--
lime or mint?
I'll use both.
It's gonna be a lo-o-o-ong kiss.
- Hey, what happened?
- Oh, no, Mom and Dad are so old
they forgot they were supposed to build two playhouses.
- Actually, your father and I
put aside our creative differences...
- ...and decided to make one, big beautiful house.
- Call before you come visit.
- For Chloe. - BOTH: Chloe?
- You blew it, baby!
- That'll teach you not to play
your mother and me against each other.
- That's right. We heard everything.
- But what about us?
- You two go get ready for Phoebe's play.
- We have to go to Phoebe's play?
Haven't we been punished enough?
- Max.
- I wasn't gonna drop a ladder on Nate.
Oh, it's you.
- Max, you were right. Nate really is after Allison.
- That's what I've been telling you.
Now, use those pointy elbows to help me cut some of these ropes.
- No, I have another way to shut down the play.
They can't go on with the show without their...leading lady!
- Great idea.
This is gonna hurt. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, I'm gonna fix this with acting.
- Ugh.
- Just go tell Allison I'm sick and the play is canceled.
- What about your entourage?
- I already cut them loose.
It's worth it if it means you get to keep Allison.
I miss them, but to be honest their chai lattes were all foam.
- Thanks.
Allison, there you are.
Bad news. The play's canceled.
Phoebe's sick and I'm just so worried about her.
- Yeah, right, stagehand.
I know what's going on.
You've been trying all week to stop me from kissing Nate.
- What?
Is that this play?
- Yes, it's this play.
- [sighing]
Fine, I don't want you to kiss Nate
and marry him in the school hallway.
There I said it.
- What?
For someone so cute, you sure sound like a dummy.
I really like you and no stupid kiss
in a high school play is gonna change that.
- Well, I guess I have been kind of a...
- The word is "dummy." - Yeah, that.
But in my defense, I've never been in a relationship before.
This is all new territory for me.
- Well, get over it!
We're stuck with each other. [kisses]
- Mr. Schecter, I'm not feeling well.
I know the show must go on, but the fever, oh, the fever.
- That's okay, we'll cancel.
Strike the set!
- Nope, she's fine!
Trust me, just pre-show jitters.
- Ugh! Places, everyone!
Ear plugs.
- Max, why'd you do that?
I just gave the performance of a lifetime.
- It's okay, I'm good. Seriously.
You tried helping me, so I'm helping you
keep something important to you.
Entourage!
- You're going to steal the show!
- Chai latte? It's extra foamy.
- I know.
- AUDIENCE: [applauding] - It's show time.
- [harp music]
- So this is Kentucky!
- *
- Farewell Kentucky! You'll always be in my dreams.
The light dims. She exits.
- I like it when they explain what's happening.
- The kiss is next. Are you okay?
- I'm Max Thunderman. I can handle this.
- Will you make me the happiest non-angel and kiss me?
- Yes, Seth from Kentucky, yes!
- I lied, I can't watch. - Don't worry, I got you.
- Thanks.
- Wow, it really is a long kiss.
- Ohhh...
- *