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[patriotic music]
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- Harriet tubman was like,
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This is about to be,
like, a real stealth operation.
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You [bleep] have never seen
no [bleep] like this before.
5
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Why would you wait till
I'm at my drunkest to do this?
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- Virginia hall
had a wooden leg.
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Ow.
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But she's blowing up bridges,
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And the head of the gestapo
is like, that bitch.
10
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But he was a bad guy,
so he used terrible language.
11
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- Roald dahl was a
fighter pilot who crash-landed,
12
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And he was a [bleep] spy.
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Literally a [bleep] spy.
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[patriotic music]
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♪ ♪
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[suspenseful music]
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- Well, a spy
during war
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Is gonna go
behind enemy lines,
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And they're going
to try to--
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Oh, wait. I'm drunk.
I can't use big words.
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- [laughs]
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- For a spy, I would need
maybe an austin martin,
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I mean--or an aston martin,
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For the chicks.
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- Who was harriet tubman?
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- I love harriet tubman.
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Underground railroad.
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Freed millions--
well, maybe not millions.
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I don't know the exact amount.
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But freed a number of slaves.
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- She was like
the james bond of georgia.
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- Wait. Give me that song again.
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- Which one?
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- Bitch called me
about a week ago.
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- [laughs]
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First of all, how do you
not know this song?
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- I can't hear.
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- ♪ bitch, caught a body
'bout a week ago ♪
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♪ [bleep] with us
and then we tweakin', ho ♪
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♪ tweakin, ho ♪
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- ♪ bitch called me
'bout a week ago ♪
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- No. It's--
[laughs]
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He's saying, "bitch, I caught
a body 'bout a week ago,"
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Meaning, "I killed somebody
about a week ago."
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- Oh, now, that's
where I draw the line.
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- [laughs]
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Hi, my name is crissle,
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And today we're gonna talk
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About the civil war spy
harriet tubman.
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So harriet tubman does not
get her just due.
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Like, you hear her name,
and you think,
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She led the slaves
to freedom.
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But you most certainly
do not know
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That she was a spy
for the union.
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So the thing was,
when the civil war started,
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Harriet tubman was like,
wait a minute.
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I can do way more.
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So she went down there
to port royal,
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Which is in south carolina,
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And the union had, like,
taken it over.
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But it was still com--
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It was still, like--
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Like, not smothered
and covered.
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That's [bleep]
like biscuits.
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It was--it was surrounded
by confederacy,
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Like, places and [bleep].
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And at first, she's just
like a regular-ass person.
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She was a nurse.
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And that's when she was like,
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I know can do better
than this.
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Like, I know can free
way more slaves
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Than what you guys
are doing right now.
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And that's when she went
to the colonel and was like,
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I could totally be
a spy for you.
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I have connects, and, like,
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When I dress up and [bleep],
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Those people
have no idea who I am.
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And the colonel was like...
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[belches]
excuse me.
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I got, like,
a good 15 minutes left in me
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Before the liquor takes over,
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And god only knows
what I'll say.
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- That's great.
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- [laughs]
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And so then
the colonel was like, yeah,
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Obviously my white ass
can't go down there.
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Absolutely, you can be a spy.
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You down there,
do what the [bleep] you do.
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So she's like, okay, let me
put on my field hand clothes.
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And she was, like,
five feet tall,
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So it was very easy
for her to, like,
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Blend into the background.
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And she is able to, like,
go to the plantations,
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And she was like,
hey, guys, like,
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Not to stir up any [bleep]
or whatever,
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But, like, I know y'all
are tired of being slaves.
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I was totally tired
of being a slave.
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And none of us have to be
slaves anymore, so, like,
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Whoever's down to help
the union, just let me know.
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So everybody was like,
cool.
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And then she would go out--
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She had these friends
who were mariners,
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Which are basically just, like,
people who work in the water--
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Like, with water [bleep].
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And she's like, I know
there are mines out here,
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So let's work together and
find out where this [bleep] is,
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Because I'm a spy,
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And I'm gonna
get this [bleep].
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Like, I'm gonna burn
this [bleep] down.
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And so then she went back to
the colonel, and she was like,
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I have this idea to burn up
all the plantations.
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Here's all my research,
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And you should just
let me do it.
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And the colonel was like,
well, [bleep] it.
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Like, I don't have
[bleep] to lose.
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Like, let's work together
and burn that [bleep] down.
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And so they got together,
and she was like,
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Listen, this is about to be--
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Like, I'm not even
about to [bleep] you.
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This is about to be
some [bleep].
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Like, this is about to be,
like, a real stealth operation.
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You [bleep] have never seen
no [bleep] like this before.
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Like, I got some dope-ass
[bleep] planned out.
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But I need y'all
to all be down
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And just do
what the [bleep] I say.
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I got this [bleep].
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And June 1, 1863--yes.
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On 1863, they begin this raid.
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So harriet tubman is, like,
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On the combahee river
and [bleep].
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She was like,
I'm down for this [bleep].
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Like, I'm ready.
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And so when
the raid started, like,
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She knew where the mines
and [bleep] were in the water.
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She and her team of mariners--
it would have been like,
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Aw, [bleep] that,
aw, [bleep] that.
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Like, we're not gonna
get caught
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By your stupid-ass traps,
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You [bleep] slave owners.
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00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:09,875
And then the owners
of the plantation--
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These crazy-ass
racist white people
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Would see
all these black people coming,
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And they'd be like,
what the [bleep] is this?
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What the--
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What the--the mic moved.
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- Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
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- Is it still--
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I'm sorry.
I'm focused.
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And they were like, hey,
hey, racist-ass white person.
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Here's another
racist-ass white person
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Here to warn you that,
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You know,
harriet tubman is coming
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With her army
full of bad bitches.
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And so then they would start
shooting and [bleep].
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But by then,
harriet tubman was like,
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Bitch, you're too late.
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Like, me and my people
are already here.
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And guns back then was
[bleep], like,
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Just basic as [bleep].
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Them guns wasn't doing [bleep].
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So they would take
their torches and [bleep]
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And be like, yah!
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And go there--
and go in and just
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[bleep] burn these
plantations down and then dip.
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And then they would go again.
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Like, this raid,
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It was 25 miles
along the combahee river.
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And they're just, like, burning
[bleep] down, freeing slaves,
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Getting on the boat,
traveling again,
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Avoiding the mines.
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And so at the end of the day--
night--end of the raid,
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Harriet tubman was like,
goddamn, I freed 750 slaves.
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Like, this [bleep]
is dope as hell.
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And her plan--it was
the first military operation
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That was executed
and led by an american woman.
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And it was planned
by a former slave
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Who could not read or write,
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Who was only five feet tall,
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Who was both black and a woman.
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And she still
pulled this [bleep] off.
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She helped the union
win the war.
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She freed, like, at least
1,000 slaves in her lifetime.
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She was just dope as hell.
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God, black people have been
through so much [bleep].
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00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,705
Black people have been
through so much.
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- I don't know
how to respond to that.
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- [laughs]
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- Except I agree.
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[suspenseful music]
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- I'm sorry.
Tell me your australian accent?
191
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:06,691
- I can't do accents.
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00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:07,826
- Can you say "fair crack
of the whip, mate"?
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00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,528
- And is that saying,
like, good job?
194
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:12,898
- No, it's like,
give me a fair go.
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- Okay.
196
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,966
Fair crip--
197
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,935
Fair...Grip.
198
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:17,669
- Crack.
199
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,838
- Fair crack of the whip, mate.
200
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,973
- It's not terrible.
201
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,543
- Fair crack of the whip, mate.
202
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,844
Believable?
203
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,045
- [laughs]
204
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,981
- Where does our story
take place?
205
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,117
- It takes place
all over the place.
206
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:35,654
But the story starts
in baltimore.
207
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,055
Are you from baltimore?
208
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,123
- Bal'more.
209
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:38,990
- Bal'more.
210
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:39,858
- Yeah.
- Okay.
211
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,726
Hello, I'm claudia o'doherty,
212
00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:45,597
And today we are gonna be
talking about virginia hall,
213
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,666
Who was a very good spy.
214
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:51,603
So in 1906, in baltimore,
virginia hall was born.
215
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,839
And she's like, I love europe.
216
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,974
Maybe I should get a job
for the foreign service.
217
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,742
I'm very qualified
for that kind of thing
218
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:58,944
'cause I'm so smart
and good at languages.
219
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:03,882
And then she takes the entrance
exam for the foreign service,
220
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:07,886
But she fails
because it's a very hard exam.
221
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:08,653
She was very sad.
222
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:12,624
When she got the results,
she was like, oh, man.
223
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,159
But she said, you know what?
224
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,627
I need to blow off some steam.
225
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,496
And then she decided
to go to europe.
226
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,030
And she's having a good time.
227
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,933
When she was in turkey in 1933,
though, she was like,
228
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,169
Hey, friends,
let's go on a hunting trip.
229
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,471
And they're
just having a very good time
230
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,305
Shooting all the animals.
231
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:31,142
And then she's like, I'll just
climb over this wall--
232
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:31,910
Or a fence.
233
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,078
I'll just climb over
this fence.
234
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,647
And she's climbing over,
her legs get caught,
235
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,649
And she shot her left foot off.
236
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,116
Ow.
237
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,251
- Ahh.
- Mm-hmm.
238
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:41,920
And she gets fitted
with a custom prosthetic leg.
239
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,955
And she called her leg
cuthbert.
240
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,891
- Cuff bit?
- Cuthbert.
241
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:46,658
- Cuthbert.
242
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,559
- That's what she calls it.
243
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:49,895
And then what happens?
World war ii.
244
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,797
And she's like,
hmm, huh, not cool.
245
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:54,699
But anyway,
I know what I'll do.
246
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:57,736
I'll sign up to be
an ambulance driver
247
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:58,670
For the ambulance corps.
248
00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:02,574
That's a very dangerous job
in paris in 1939,
249
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:05,043
And she is like,
I don't even care.
250
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,945
So then she goes to london.
251
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:07,812
She goes to a dinner party,
252
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,916
And the dinner party's
in a bomb shelter
253
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:11,750
During an air raid.
254
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,752
So she's having a good time
at the dinner party,
255
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,620
And she meets this woman
named vera atkins,
256
00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:20,692
Who is like, ooh, this woman
could be of use to us.
257
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,627
So she says to virginia,
by the way,
258
00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:28,066
I work for soe:
Secret operations executive.
259
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,067
It's a british spy gang.
260
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,602
And she brings in this big,
handsome french guy,
261
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:33,705
And he says, would you like
to be a spy for us?
262
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,674
And virginia is like, yes,
that would be incredible.
263
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:39,010
So she goes back to France,
and she assumes a new identity.
264
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,712
And she's just, like,
a really nice journalist.
265
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:45,183
But actually, she's organizing
the french resistance.
266
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,619
So she's supplying weapons,
267
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:49,788
Supplying money,
organizing guys.
268
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:54,125
She's also organizing
escapes from prison camps.
269
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,861
She is just causing such
trouble for the germans.
270
00:09:56,863 --> 00:10:00,565
And they're hearing rumors
about this woman
271
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:01,866
Who was organizing
the french resistance.
272
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,735
And they didn't know
who she was,
273
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,870
But they knew
that she had a limp,
274
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,305
Which was embarrassing
for virginia,
275
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:08,773
'cause she didn't think
she did have a limp,
276
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,810
So that's a very sad part
of the story, right?
277
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:15,080
And the head of the gestapo
is klaus barbie,
278
00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:16,781
Who's also known
as the butcher of lyon.
279
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,783
And he's like,
what I wouldn't give
280
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:23,288
To get my hands
on the neck of that bitch.
281
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,089
- You said bitch.
282
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:28,026
- Yeah, but he was a bad guy,
so he used terrible language.
283
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,828
So everybody's looking
for her now.
284
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,731
There are "wanted" posters
with her likeness on them.
285
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,032
They're like,
look out for this limping lady.
286
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:37,369
And she's like, excuse me,
I don't even limp.
287
00:10:37,371 --> 00:10:39,037
But she probably--anyway.
288
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,171
So she's like,
how am I gonna get out?
289
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,773
I can't go through
any of the checkpoints.
290
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,908
So because
she's got no other option,
291
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:48,146
She hikes over the snowy
pyrenees mountains
292
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,216
With one leg,
and she gets out of there.
293
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,985
But then
who's entered the war?
294
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:54,886
The americans.
295
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,087
And they're like,
we're looking for spies,
296
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:58,923
And she's like, hello,
I'm a very good spy.
297
00:10:58,925 --> 00:10:59,824
And they're like, great,
298
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,161
But you're gonna need
a really good disguise.
299
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,063
And so she dyed her hair gray,
300
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,731
Put on two skirts
and two sweaters,
301
00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:08,900
And she had
her fillings changed
302
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:12,337
So she had french fillings
rather than american fillings.
303
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,806
- She looks like mrs. Doubtfire.
304
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:15,640
- Exactly.
305
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:18,943
And also, she shuffled so she
didn't have a limp anymore.
306
00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:20,812
So then she goes
back into France,
307
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:24,049
And she's just
delivering cheese everywhere.
308
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,750
But actually,
she is wreaking havoc.
309
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:28,053
She's blowing up bridges,
310
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,789
Blowing up train lines,
cutting telephone lines,
311
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,323
But it's very dangerous.
312
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:33,692
The whole time, the germans
are looking for her.
313
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:37,862
And then the war ended.
314
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,230
- That's kind of good.
315
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,098
- So that was good.
316
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:44,202
So then truman is like,
I'm gonna give you a medal.
317
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:48,807
And it is called the
distinguished services cross.
318
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,942
So she gets the award,
and she goes,
319
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,377
You know what
I'd like to do now?
320
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,779
I'd like to finally
join the foreign service
321
00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:55,714
Like I've always wanted.
322
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,682
And they're like,
budgetary cutbacks.
323
00:11:57,684 --> 00:11:59,184
You can't be in
the foreign service.
324
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:01,720
But we've got
this new organization.
325
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:03,154
Would you mind joining that?
326
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,323
And that turned out
to be the cia.
327
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,960
And so she's the first woman
to ever be recognized
328
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:12,731
As a member
of the cia's career staff.
329
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,734
So virginia hall
was a true legend,
330
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:18,002
And she didn't
let anybody tell her
331
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:20,171
What she could and couldn't do.
332
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:23,374
Not bad for a girl
from bal'more.
333
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:28,413
Stay tuned for more
"drunk history: Spies."
334
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,914
- [laughs]
335
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,349
[patriotic music]
336
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,283
- Here's roald [bleep] dahl.
337
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,819
Ladies were
just going nuts for him.
338
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:35,587
So they [bleep] a lot,
339
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:40,091
And he got so much information
through so much of his dick.
340
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:46,898
- So what I was thinking is,
I want to spy on this bar
341
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,967
So no one's gonna know
who I am.
342
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,236
- All right.
Let's do this.
343
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,170
- Let's do it.
344
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:55,440
[suspenseful music]
345
00:12:55,442 --> 00:13:01,312
♪ ♪
346
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,947
[bleep] "drunk history."
347
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:06,384
[crowd chattering]
348
00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:10,355
- Where are you from?
349
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,858
- Originally
from tennessee.
350
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:17,562
Have you ever seen
this program?
351
00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:21,099
- Is it funny?
352
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:25,804
Doesn't sound--
I've seen, like--
353
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:32,210
- On, like, a scale of one
to ten, ten being funny...
354
00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:39,050
- I like jeff dunham.
You know, with the puppets?
355
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,586
That light's real bright.
356
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,021
- You just have to put
your arm down, though.
357
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,190
That's the only thing.
358
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,524
What makes
an amazing spy?
359
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:52,564
- In order to be a spy,
you have to be silent.
360
00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:54,999
And sometimes people
end up trusting you
361
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,068
And tell you information
that they otherwise
362
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,270
Wouldn't tell you
if you were a spy.
363
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,339
- Awesome.
Thank you guys so much.
364
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:01,940
- We get pay?
365
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:02,974
Do we get paid?
366
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:07,879
What do you guys want us
to say now?
367
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,280
- All right.
368
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,117
Holy [bleep].
It's d money.
369
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:18,423
This is mission: Impossible 5:
D money."
370
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,129
- Lucius.
371
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:25,597
- Yes.
372
00:14:25,599 --> 00:14:28,132
- Please grab that glass.
373
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:29,033
- What glass?
374
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:32,403
It's called balance.
375
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,339
Remember this?
376
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:35,440
Whatever.
You can be as drunk as you want.
377
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:38,576
See? Look.
You think that's gonna go down.
378
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:39,310
- Grab it.
379
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,179
- It's so not.
No, no, no.
380
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,247
You think "grab it."
no.
381
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,148
- It's making me--
it's freaking me out.
382
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,150
- No. I know.
Remember this?
383
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:48,953
- No. Why do you keep saying
do I remember that?
384
00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:49,587
- [laughs]
385
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,322
- Why the [bleep]
would I remember that?
386
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:55,293
Do I remember my hands? Sure.
387
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:56,961
- My name is lucius dillon.
388
00:14:56,963 --> 00:15:00,064
Today we're gonna talk
about roald dahl...
389
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:00,932
[blows raspberry]
390
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,934
And his life as a british spy.
391
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:07,438
World war ii, roald dahl was
a fighter pilot for the raf,
392
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,640
The royal air force.
393
00:15:08,642 --> 00:15:10,108
And he loved
fighting them nazis,
394
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,143
And he's like, aww,
this is great.
395
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:16,381
And so he had to go and fly
to a base in the desert.
396
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:20,618
He ran out of gas, hit the
ground at 75 miles an hour,
397
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:21,352
Cracked his skull.
398
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,955
He had to drag himself
out of the plane
399
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:26,090
Before the gas tanks exploded.
400
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,127
So he was pretty much
was, like,
401
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:32,664
Invalided out
of the royal air force.
402
00:15:32,666 --> 00:15:34,966
But then a famous author,
c.S. Forester,
403
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,534
Wanted to interview him
about his crash.
404
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,503
Dahl was like, okay,
you know what?
405
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:39,404
My mind's a little spotty.
406
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:42,173
Let me just write down
some notes for you.
407
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,343
Forester's like, okay,
send it to me later.
408
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,245
So dahl sat down
to kind of write it,
409
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,547
And his mind
was kind of muddled
410
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:50,515
Because he went through
a crash.
411
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,251
But he wrote, like,
a really good story,
412
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:54,052
Sent it to forester,
413
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,253
And forester wrote back
and was like,
414
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,423
Okay, look, you were
supposed to give me notes,
415
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,960
Not write
a full [bleep] story.
416
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,128
This--this is great.
417
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,064
This is amazing.
418
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,231
I'm not changing a word.
419
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,167
I'm sending this straight
to "the Saturday evening post."
420
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:12,136
So that got sent, and it was
actually really popular.
421
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:15,239
He realized, like, okay,
I can tear a pretty good yarn,
422
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,710
Or, I don't know if
that's the right term, but--
423
00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:19,444
[laughs]
424
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,179
I can write
a pretty good story.
425
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:25,550
[sputtering and squeaking]
426
00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:29,988
See? You got to tickle it.
You got to know--
427
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:30,688
- Just keep going.
428
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,090
- He was the talk of the town,
429
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,225
And so he was invited
to a lot of these parties.
430
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,694
And he met up
with a really cool guy
431
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:37,662
Called bill stephenson.
432
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:41,699
And bill stephenson's like,
hey, what's going on with you?
433
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:45,303
And dahl's just like,
I want to help out England.
434
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,671
I didn't bust my nuff--
435
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,574
I didn't bust my nut enough
in England.
436
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:50,508
And I still didn't do enough.
437
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,110
Stephenson was like,
well, I-I--
438
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,479
There is other stuff
you can do.
439
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:58,649
So dahl was hired into
a dark propaganda section
440
00:16:58,651 --> 00:16:59,684
Referred to as the bsc,
441
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,786
Which stands for
british security council.
442
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,054
And a lot of other people
were hired:
443
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:05,089
Noel coward, who was a famous
playwright and actor,
444
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:09,127
And also ian fleming,
who some people might know
445
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:11,129
As james [bleep] bond.
446
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:11,896
And stephenson was like,
447
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:14,365
Let's put you into
some good political parties,
448
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,501
And meet everyone
you [bleep] can
449
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:19,070
And report everything
back to us.
450
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:19,771
He was like, okay.
451
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:21,139
So here's
roald [bleep] dahl,
452
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:23,241
Tall, handsome [bleep],
453
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:26,344
Long-ass face,
eloquent-ass tongue.
454
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,712
But every time
when he was at the party,
455
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,314
Like, he'd be eavesdropping
on newspaper people,
456
00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:32,817
Politicians
and secretly just, like,
457
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:36,087
Scribbling, you know, little
things on, like, napkins
458
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:36,954
And reporting it to England.
459
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:41,259
He would also get into finding
information through pillow talk.
460
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:44,328
So he had a list of ladies
that he would go through,
461
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:48,099
Like cissy patterson
had her claws
462
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,168
Into the
"washington herald-times,"
463
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,703
And she's like,
you want to see the boudoir?
464
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:53,604
And he's like, yes please.
465
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,807
So he [bleep] the [bleep]
out of her for a while
466
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:57,141
And got whatever information
that he could.
467
00:17:57,143 --> 00:17:59,644
Then he went to evalyn mclean.
468
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:01,079
She knew every politician
in the world,
469
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,381
So they [bleep] a lot.
470
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,516
So he met claire booth luce.
471
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:09,220
She was a congresswoman,
and they [bleep].
472
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:13,224
And he got so much information
through so much of his dick.
473
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:16,160
But after a while,
and this is an exact quote,
474
00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:18,196
Like, he called ambassador
halifax and was like,
475
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:21,699
Look,
I am [bleep] out, okay?
476
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:22,800
This goddamn woman
has [bleep] me
477
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,669
From one end of the room
to the other.
478
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:27,238
I'm done. I can't do it.
I'm squirting dust.
479
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,173
And the ambassador's like,
480
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:31,275
Just close your eyes
and think of England.
481
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:34,645
And dahl's like, great, okay.
I guess I will.
482
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,746
- Get your chin
off my neck.
483
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,516
- I'm just--
no, it's--
484
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,452
No, that wasn't--
my chin wasn't on you at all.
485
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,287
- I feel like we're
laying on two muppets.
486
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,156
- [laughs]
487
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:46,724
Yes.
[coughs]
488
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,760
- Oh, jesus.
Is this your death scene?
489
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:52,163
If you die on the show,
we're [bleep].
490
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:55,666
[suspenseful music]
491
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:01,539
- I'm not puking enough.
492
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:02,874
- You don't need to puke.
493
00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:03,674
[glasses clink]
494
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:04,542
[bleep],
I got to drink this.
495
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:07,512
- No!
[groans]
496
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:11,382
- Ooh. How have you had
this much of that?
497
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:14,418
- I've had seven
glasses of this.
498
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:18,022
Okay,
so fdr is in his third term.
499
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:20,525
Britain was like, okay,
he's getting old.
500
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:21,959
We are worried
that he's gonna die,
501
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,427
Because he's our biggest
supporter right now.
502
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:24,495
You need to let us know
503
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,831
Everything
that's wrong with him.
504
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,567
And he's like,
yeah, I'll be right over.
505
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:30,034
Uhh,
506
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,836
And now I'm here, right now.
507
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,672
And so, luckily,
eleanor roosevelt is like,
508
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:39,410
Hey, I'm a big fan of yours,
so meet my husband.
509
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:41,879
And he's like, oh, yeah,
nice to meet you, fdr.
510
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:44,649
Nice to meet you too,
roald dahl.
511
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,717
And they have a lovely time.
512
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:47,485
They drink a lot.
513
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:48,986
So he took note of everything,
514
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,721
Wrote it all
in a 12-page document,
515
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:54,792
And it worked out very well
until fdr died.
516
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:55,626
And then the war ended,
517
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:59,297
And dahl's life
as a spy was over.
518
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:02,567
He was like, [bleep],
what can I do now?
519
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:03,834
He's like, well,
I need to make a buck,
520
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:05,937
So let me just go for
the easy money and just--
521
00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:07,505
I'll just write some
[bleep] children's novels.
522
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,307
That'll be great.
523
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,542
So he wrote
"james and the giant peach,"
524
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,444
Which was amazing.
525
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:14,345
And then in the same year,
526
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,447
He wrote "charlie
and the chocolate factory,"
527
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:18,482
Which, holy [bleep],
was the best.
528
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:21,452
And he wrote "charlie
and the great glass elevator,"
529
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:22,920
Wrote "the witches,"
530
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,021
Wrote "the bfg,"
531
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,623
Wrote "fantastic mr. Fox."
532
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,491
He's hands down,
[bleep] dr. Seuss,
533
00:20:27,493 --> 00:20:32,463
The greatest children's author
of all time.
534
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,365
And he was a [bleep] spy!
535
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,067
Literally, a [bleep] spy.
536
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:41,038
And because of his dick,
England was a better place.
537
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,773
I enjoy jay-drinking.
538
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,008
I enjoy drinking
with you.
539
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:44,976
- Jay-drinking?
540
00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:47,678
- I enjoy day-drinking.
541
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,647
- And you're continuing.
542
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:52,850
[patriotic music]
543
00:20:52,852 --> 00:21:01,092
♪ ♪
544
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:10,768
- Back before they had
cures for stds
545
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,536
And y'all would just [bleep]
anything that would walk,
546
00:21:12,538 --> 00:21:14,438
You would go to the doctor,
547
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,973
And you would be like,
hey, my dick hurts.
548
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:16,841
And the doctor would be like,
549
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:17,942
All right, put your dick
on the table.
550
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:21,012
And they took a rubber hammer
and just hammered at your dick,
551
00:21:21,014 --> 00:21:21,045
And the infection would fly out.