Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,
my Pop-Pop wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine.
I'll call a moron a moron when he's a moron.
And when he lived with us after his place had a small fire,
his grouchy demeanor got even worse.
Hey, boys, turn down the TV.
I can't hear the screechy neighbor gal
shuffling the stupid tiles.
Ben, shame on you.
I will not allow you to insult my Mahjong tiles.
Thanks, Bev.
What are you watching anyway that's so important?
"Little House on the Prairie."
It's just like the video game "Oregon Trail,"
but with Michael Landon.
I would've dominated in olden times.
I'd tame a buffalo and make fire from dirt.
Please, you'd be lucky if mountain fever took you.
Most likely, you'd be kicked in the head by your own horse. Nah.
I'd befriend a coyote and ride it to the nearest gold mine.
And Mahjong! Ha-ha.
In your face, family and beloved friend.
I am a gorgeous and humble winner.
Impossible. You had to be cheating.
There's no other explanation.
Why would you say such a thing?
'Cause I was cheating.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Whoa. Domino's is hiring classier drivers.
Oh, I have something much better to deliver than a pizza.
Is Benjamin Goldberg here? Who's asking?
I'm from Dopplin Insurance.
I'm happy to tell you your apartment
has been fully repaired.
And I have a check to cover your moving costs.
What kind of scam you running here, fella?
No scam. [ Chuckles ]
I should say most people are typically happy
when I show up with this news.
Don't tell me how to feel, sport coat.
Oh. Adam: Pop-Pop, this is great--
I mean, not being hateful to a stranger--
but now you can finally move out of our basement.
Yes! We can use the hot tub again.
And now I can play "Mario Bros."
without a stream of derogatory comments about Italian plumbers.
"Gelato lover" isn't the slam you think it is.
Italian ice cream in hot water.
Ginzy, make that happen for me--
I'm gonna go get my trunks.
Wait. What?
Well, Bar in a bathing suit-- that's my cue.
Pbht.
Aw, we're gonna miss you, Ben.
But I'm not gonna miss having my washing machine held hostage
by your Velcro shoes.
Best of all, now I can get my morning paper
without hearing "Hey, Robe Lady, I took your sports page."
It's a happy day for everybody.
Couldn't find a bathing suit, so I'm dippin' in the buff.
Hot tub, here I come.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no, my robe!
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
- Captions by VITAC--
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
It was March 8, 1980-something.
Me and my girlfriend, Carmen, were getting serious,
which meant the time had come to meet my family.
I am so nervous. Don't be.
Just follow my carefully crafted instructions,
and they'll love you as much as I...l-like you.
With affection, I'm careful not to prematurely label.
Do you really think that I need these notecards?
I'm pretty good with new people.
For sure, but they're not.
And thanks to my tutoring and her natural charm,
I was hoping she'd be a hit.
First up was Barry.
Um, I love how jacked and Chuck Norris-like your body is.
What a wonderful and accurate hello.
Adam, don't let this one get away.
After that success, she took a swing at my grouchy grandpa.
Mr. Goldberg, this bag of russet potatoes is for you.
The whole gunnysack?
Eh, look at you.
Not a complete waste of space.
Whoa. Pop-Pop's highest compliment.
Then came the final gauntlet, my famously hard-to-please mom.
I hope you like it.
I only used 14 cheeses and every meat available at the butcher.
Hmm.
♪
I love how impossibly full I feel after just one bite!
Mm! Success.
Carmen had done what few before her had dared to even try.
See? They all adore you.
And now the final part of my plan--
we leave before they change their crazy, fickle minds.
But, wait, what about your sister?
You don't have to worry about her.
Trust me, let's go now and leave the rest of these lunatics
wanting more.
[ Chuckles ] Okey-dokey, I guess.
[ Muriel cooing ]
Guess who has two thumbs and ate all of her strained peas?
[ Gasps ] This gal!
That is adorable. You must be Erica.
I'm Carmen.
Oh.
Hello.
Um, I was just heading out,
but I wanted to say how super impressed I am
by your ability to balance motherhood
and applying to law school.
Right back 'atcha.
That doesn't apply to me.
I-- T-Thank you. [ Chuckles nervously ]
Your skin is super dewy.
I'm gonna go.
[ Muriel cooing ]
It turned out not everyone was a Carmen fan.
What the hell, lady?
What's with the hateful reaction to meeting the woman I...
have intense affection for?
Oh, I've met Carmen before.
I've met her but good.
♪
I was 8 years old.
And we were auditioning for the role of Annie
in the Jenkintown Children's Theater production
of the beloved musical.
And you shared a fun and healthy love of the stage without issue?
She stole my part!
I was a shoo-in for Annie.
No one could sing, dance, or violently scrub a floor like me.
You do carry the anger of a child
whose parents have abandoned her.
She scratched my name off the audition list for Annie
and instead put me up for Daddy Warbucks.
The old bald millionaire?
The old bald billionaire.
This image is haunting,
especially what appears to be a real, lit cigar.
The rest of my career in children's theater,
I was typecast as bald man after bald man.
"The King and I,"
Uncle Fester,
Kojak, and the list goes on and on.
I can't imagine Carmen being capable of sabotage.
Oh, she is a monster,
and I never want to see her in this house again.
♪
I'm concerned I don't look that different.
While my sister was still stuck in the past,
Pop-Pop was looking toward a future in his old apartment.
Is this the right place?
Everything is sorta yellow and sad.
The bums patched the hole in my floor.
[ Scoffs ] And the fridge is working.
Isn't that a good thing? Feh!
My old place was distinctive.
How am I supposed to think if nothing's dripping on me?
Well, if it makes you feel better,
this place still makes me bummed out
that this is how we treat our elderly.
You call those insurance asswipes and tell them
they can stick that check up their keisters.
I'm not falling for their con.
Con? Now, what's really going on here? Fine.
You want to know what's going on, friend of my granddaughter?
Husband. But, yeah.
It's too quiet.
There's nobody here, and it's just gonna be me
and the sound of my own horrible thoughts.
Are you saying that you're gonna miss living at the Goldbergs'?
Way to go, Dick Tracy. You solved it.
Well, why don't you just tell Beverly that you want to stay?
Please, they almost threw a parade
when they heard I was leaving.
I'm sure if you just explain--
Explain nothing.
I don't want to grovel like a yutz.
I want to feel wanted.
H-How do you do it? What do you mean?
I mean, you're just as unnecessary as I am,
but no one seems to want you gone.
Again, I'm Erica's husband and the father
to Beverly's only grandchild. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't need the complete works of Josh Schwab.
That's not my name,
but close enough for me to appreciate the effort.
Come on, spill it.
How come they're not high-fiving over the idea of you leaving?
I guess it's because I'm kind and respectful
and super helpful around the house.
Josh, you're a genius.
I am neither of those things.
You're gonna teach me to be a helpful schmuck like you
so I can fool those idiots into letting me stay.
[ Sighs ] Josh Schwab,
what have you gotten yourself into?
While Pop-Pop had a plan to keep living at our house,
I didn't know how to tell Carmen
she wasn't allowed in mine.
[ Applause ]
Wow, that was the most hop you've ever had in your sock.
Well, I guess I am just fueled by happiness.
Bonding with your family was so amazing.
I'm still buzzing.
Yep. Bonded.
Just like the Krazy Glue guy and his construction hat.
No one's doubting it.
I am jazzed to get to know your sister better.
I feel like Erica and I could be friends.
Don't you think?
Yeah, maybe.
May... be.
Why are you being weird-weird instead
of your usual cute-weird?
Gah, fine.
You and Erica have met before.
And she has this nutso idea in her head
that when you two were in "Annie" as little girls,
you sabotaged her.
W-What?
I would never do anything like that.
I don't even remember her being in "Annie."
She was Daddy Warbucks.
No, that was a large bald boy.
No, that was my insane sister.
And now she holds a crazy grudge against you.
Okay.
I will smooth this over
and apologize for the misunderstanding.
You're amazing.
This is why I lo-- like you so much.
And so, Carmen went to apologize.
[ Hushed ] I am so, so sorry if you're still hurt
by something you think I did all those years ago.
[ Hushed ] Something I think you did?
Okay, but I have no recollection of what you're describing,
and I would love to just move on and be friends.
There's no way you don't remember.
[ Hushed ] The important thing to note
is that she's apologizing.
Let's not get lost in the blurry specifics.
I don't accept her empty apology.
She's speaking in a psychotic whisper,
but I think I heard the words, "I accept her apology."
You did not.
Maybe this was a bad time.
I don't want to disturb the baby, who is beautiful.
By the way, she looks just like you.
Why, because she's bald?
While Erica had rejected Carmen's apology,
Geoff accepted the task of teaching Pop-Pop
how to help around the house.
Let's get this thing going before my fiber drink kicks in.
Let's start with the basics.
You've got to be warm.
Ask people how their day was, and listen with a smile.
I don't think my face can do that.
Wow. Your grinning muscles do appear to have withered away,
but with practice we can build them up.
Fine. I'll muster a smirk.
Now, what's next on your stupid list?
Assist around the house. Like with laundry and such.
I'd rather live alone than touch the older boy's under-drawers.
Now get to the next one already.
"N," as in never in the way.
Like the waiter who slides in to clean the table
while you're in the men's room.
You don't know he's there, but you're happy
he's scraping away your crumbs.
So, that's where my table crumbs go?
Some bastard's pocketing them?
Uh, moving on to compliments--
this family thrives on positive attention.
Blech. Needy bastards. Isn't it enough to be alive?
Guess how many dead people I know.
In short, you need to show this family how you WANC.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, no.
My acronym is accidentally filthy.
No. Don't beat yourself up.
I'm ready to do your thing and WANC this family,
and WANC it but good.
In the hopes of continuing living in our house,
my Pop-Pop was finally ready
to be a helpful member of the family.
What is this, Ben? Did you wash my wool sweaters?
Yeah, you're welcome.
Kinda a tight fit, but I guess you're not married anymore.
Wow, okay, it'll be fine.
I guess Muriel will just
out-glitter everyone in her baby group.
Oh.
And by the by, that golden mane of yours,
pickin' up the light and stuff.
Yeah, real yellow and bright.
It was incredibly hard to tell, but was that a compliment?
All the nice words and you look upon me favorably now.
And after that awkward exchange,
Pop-Pop kept doing everything Geoff taught him--
in his own way.
Oh, hello, Ben.
I'm just returning Beverly's casserole dish,
if you wouldn't mind giving it to her.
Sure. In fact, I got something for you, too.
Oh. My missing paper.
I already read it cover to cover on the crapper,
so now it's yours again.
Oh [laughs] and, look, now it's touching my hands.
Mm-hmm.
Made you a little study snack.
Whoa.
Thanks, Pop-Pop.
Is that a peeled lemon?
Oh, you betcha. This is brain food.
And is that just a tub of margarine?
Oh, look who's too good to put a butter substitute on a lemon.
Now who's your number-one grandad?
♪
Why do you keep doing that with your face?
[ Chuckles ]
As crazy as it was,
Geoff's advice seemed to be working.
I have to say, Bevy,
I saw Ben earlier and he wasn't a total crumb.
He's been making a very confusing effort
around here, too.
This morning, he held the door open for me. Hmm.
I didn't want to go anywhere, but it was a nice gesture.
Hmm.
Well, he even yelled at me from across the street
that my body looked shapely enough to take a run at.
Um, you know, I was with my husband and kids at the time,
but in a way it was nice.
Oh, my God. Ginzy, that makes no sense.
Well, you know, I've been playing tennis
and I drink lots of Tab.
No, not about your aging torso. It's Ben.
You don't just suddenly become a nice person in your late 80s.
The man's clearing losing his faculties.
Oh, no. Well, you need to get him to see a doctor.
I don't have to go anywhere
because I have the world's best doctor right here.
Barry! I was thinking more of a specialist
or someone who hasn't recently destroyed my lawn
with a pogo stick.
This better be good.
I was watching "Manimal," and he was a dolphin.
Barry, we have reason to believe
that Pop-Pop is in mental decline.
For sure. You know, the man actually tried to hug me.
I was so confused I almost round-housed him.
My GP could recommend someone.
Barry, what do we do?
Everything I say.
See, it is my duty as chief medical officer of this house
to diagnose, treat, and cure, whether they want it or not--
anyone who crosses our threshold.
That's way wrong. And probably illegal, just...
My perfect doctor boy is gonna fix everything.
There is a world-renowned medical center
like three miles from here, and you're both walking away.
With that, Barry would help my mom figure out Pop-Pop.
And my sister had figured out a way to end her feud
with Carmen.
What's this?
You wanted to fix our little feud.
Well, I found a way.
You decided to see a therapist about your rage issues
and this is your giant prescription?
This is for an open audition for "Annie" at a small theater.
We're both gonna audition and everyone's gonna finally see
who deserves that part.
Erica, stop. You're a mother now.
And I'm gonna teach my daughter how to right a wrong.
It's fine.
Maybe it's time to remind you
why you didn't get that part then-- or now.
Great. It is great.
The greatest.
Maybe something even greater than that.
What could be greater than the greatest?
I'm glad you asked. It's me.
Damn it, that was good.
Good enough that you don't want to do this anymore?
Oh, no.
In two days, we'll see how good you really are
on that stage outside of Smyrna, Delaware.
And it specifically says, don't park at the church
across the street, so don't. I won't.
Well, you're not getting my spot.
Because besides the part of Annie,
I'm getting that, too.
♪
[ Sighs ] Hoo, that escalated quickly.
Yeah. You're really getting to know my family.
So, Carmen had no choice but to suck it up and audition.
Meanwhile, Pop-Pop was still trying to be nice,
even though he didn't know how the vacuum worked.
What's he doing? I think he thinks he's vacuuming.
But he doesn't realize he has to turn it on.
This looks bad.
With that, Dr. Barry was reporting to the den.
Hey, respected elder.
Do you know where you are right now?
Of course I do. A hell of my own making.
And how many fingers am I holding up?
I'll hold up one if you don't get out of my face.
Interesting answer.
Final question-- what day is it?
How the hell would I know that?
Monday, Thursday-- they're all exactly the same to me.
It's worse than I thought.
Take off those shirt and pants. I'll wash 'em in the sink.
Generous offer, I'm just gonna run over here real quick, okay?
Well, I'll wash your pants or anyone else's.
So?
Your instincts were right.
His brain is mush.
Oh, God. We can't let him move out now.
[ Exhales sharply ] Save your strength.
You'll need it to bathe and carry Pop-Pop.
I'm sorry.
♪
Your wild swings from terrible to vaguely kind
have them convinced you're totally nuts.
What are you jabbering about?
They think you're gonna need to be watched
like a hawk for the rest of your life.
So, they're gonna move some German lady in with me
to spoon-feed me applesauce and wash my bits?
Not at all. Damn cheapos.
Won't spring for a sturdy nurse.
It's all very surprising but turns out
they actually want you here.
You've got to come clean and tell them what you been up to.
Or I let 'em keep thinking
I'm a walking thumb and I get it all.
As Pop-Pop figured out a way to avoid being nice,
there was no avoiding the showdown
at the big "Annie" audition.
Erica Goldberg.
That will be the last time you say that name
without deep reverence and awe.
And you're auditioning for...?
Annie.
Right.
But which role?
Annie.
Okay then.
I got a Game Boy, so do whatever you're gonna do.
With that, my sister pulled out all the stops.
She danced with a mop, twirled with a mop,
did whatever this was with a mop--
Sandy.
She even got our dog involved.
[ Laughs ] Good girl, Sandy.
I work well with animals.
And finally... she sang.
♪ Tomorrow ♪
♪ I love ya tomorrow ♪
♪ You're only a day awaaaaay ♪
Yep.
No one could deny that Erica crushed it.
Break a leg. And I mean literally.
You're better off going to the hospital than on that stage.
I, too, will be auditioning for the role of Annie.
Oh, goody. Another full-grown lady.
So, my sister had a good voice.
But so did Carmen.
She could go toe-to-toe with Erica in anything.
There was no way she couldn't do this.
Okay. I can't do this.
It's true, Erica.
I did steal your part when we were kids.
I knew it!
Vindicated!
You were the better Annie.
Oh, damn right, son!
That. Is. How. You. Do. It.
Back then, we were poor and my voice
was the only thing I owned.
Oh, no.
And you had something that I could never buy.
I mean, true talent.
So I-- I panicked, and I did the worst thing
I've ever done, and I regret it every single day.
And I'm so, so sorry.
Oof, you're making it real hard to dance in the end zone here.
What's worse is I-- I tried to cover it up and...
lied to the guy I love,
and I...
It is dawning on me now how weird it was for me to force
another adult to compete for a child's part.
Who cares about your pointless break-through?
Carmen just said she loves me.
♪
Thinking that being off his rocker
would keep him living at our house for good,
my Pop-Pop took a wild swing.
Ben, dinner! It's everyone's favorite!
Chili cheese dog cacciatore.
Ah, hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I was getting dressed.
When will my wife be joining us?
Beverly: Oh, no.
He doesn't know where or when he is
and he's wearing his underwear like a hat.
Is that bad? I think it's bad.
Alright. Pop-Pop, listen to me.
Your wife hated you and left you years ago.
Oh, nonsense, I'll call her.
Operator, get me the prettiest gal in town.
Okay. Pop-Pop, this has gone too far.
Geoffrey Goldberg Schwartz, where is your compassion?
Okay, goodbye, Harry Truman.
Oh. Stop eating your presidential corn phone
and just tell them the truth.
The truth? What's he talking about?
Alright, fine.
I'm not crazy.
I was just acting like that because...
I don't want to go back to my apartment.
But you endlessly complain about this place.
You call it a noisy craphole.
Yeah, well, I kinda like this noisy craphole.
And the people in it?
A couple of you are okay.
Why didn't you just say something?
I don't know.
I do.
He was afraid you didn't want him here.
You know, 'cause you guys kinda celebrated
when he was out the door.
♪
Well, then let's celebrate his return.
Because pain in the ass or not,
you're family and we love you.
I don't hear that a lot.
Well, now that you're living here again, get used to it.
While Pop-Pop was feeling right at home,
I was off to set things right with Carmen.
♪
Adam, I don't even know where to begin.
You don't have to. I know what's in your heart.
You do?
Yeah. Love.
For me apparently.
[ Chuckles softly ]
I did say it, didn't I? And you meant it?
I really did.
I love you, Adam.
Well-- Well, that's good because I--
[ Sighs ]
Oh, God.
You can't say it, can you?
I just wanted it to be special,
but I just realized that every moment
with you has been special.
♪
So...
...I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
♪
Guess you can say it.
♪
That's the thing about life.
One day, we can be so afraid to say what we're thinking.
♪ Waiting for a star to fall ♪
The next day, we find we have the courage
to admit our deepest wants and needs.
The truth is, whether it's our love, our vulnerability,
or even our most embarrassing secrets from yesterday...
[ Laughter ]
...there will always be a better tomorrow...
♪ Waiting for a star to fall ♪
...when you're surrounded by the people you love.
♪ And carry your heart into my arms ♪
Wasn't Erica amazing? Totally, that's why we're here.
To support her and for no other reason.
[ Laughter ]
Geoff, I told you not to bring them here.
But your performance was so... hairless.
Fearless! He said fearless.
Yep, it was truly bald.
Bold! He meant to say bold.
Like your silly head. [ Laughs ]
I really shouldn't have brought you here.
You blew it again, Geoff.
♪
Wasn't Erica amazing? Totally, that's why we're here.
To support her and for no other reason.
[ Laughter ]
Geoff, I told you not to bring them here.
But your performance was so... hairless.
Fearless! He said fearless.
Yep, it was truly bald.
Bold! He meant to say bold.
Like your silly head. [ Laughs ]
I really shouldn't have brought you here.
You blew it again, Geoff.
♪