1
00:00:01,097 --> 00:00:03,562
Back in the '80s,
National Lampoon's Vacation
2
00:00:03,650 --> 00:00:05,953
was the best
road-trip comedy ever.
3
00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:08,721
Yep, the Griswold family
tore across America,
4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,125
and no one loved it
more than my mom.
5
00:00:11,281 --> 00:00:14,653
Yes! This movie has everything
I love and deserve!
6
00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:17,263
So pack your bags
so I can unpack them
7
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,932
and then repack them
again properly
8
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,403
because the Goldbergs
are going on vacation!
9
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,637
I don't know, Mom.
10
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,073
That family's trip seemed
super stressful and difficult.
11
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,474
And they
like each other.
12
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,068
But we have one week left
13
00:00:29,156 --> 00:00:31,545
before Barry and Erica
jet off to college.
14
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It's 10 minutes away.
15
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:33,914
On nice days,
I might walk.
16
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,820
And Adam's starting life as
a high-school upperclassman.
17
00:00:36,908 --> 00:00:38,804
Now when the juniors
throw food at me...
18
00:00:39,132 --> 00:00:40,121
..they'll be my peers.
19
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,203
- Such a dork.
- You shame us daily.
20
00:00:42,291 --> 00:00:45,810
So we're gonna take one last
unforgettable family vacation
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00:00:45,898 --> 00:00:48,872
before everybody starts the
next big chapter in their lives!
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What do you say?
23
00:00:49,947 --> 00:00:51,595
We love you,
but pass.
24
00:00:51,698 --> 00:00:54,664
You're gonna pass
on a trip to Disneyland?
25
00:00:54,752 --> 00:00:57,035
- Oh, balls!
- I love you now!
26
00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,276
Ah, that's right!
Embrace your mama!
27
00:00:59,364 --> 00:01:00,909
Star Wars just opened
a ride there!
28
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It's called "Star Tours"!
29
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You get to travel to the
forest moon of Endor!
30
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Well, I "Endor" you.
Boop!
31
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Even you can't ruin this.
32
00:01:08,085 --> 00:01:10,901
Star Wars teaming up with
Disney is just so big!
33
00:01:10,989 --> 00:01:13,486
Sure, I wish they'd dedicate
a whole land to Star Wars,
34
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,716
but that's just
a little boy's dream!
35
00:01:16,466 --> 00:01:17,491
Barry?
36
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Wanna give mama a huggy 'cause
she's the best in the game?
37
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I'm not going
to Disneyland!
38
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I'm a grown adult man
who will be starting
39
00:01:24,843 --> 00:01:26,799
a fully accredited
university in a week.
40
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,917
But you love
that Snow White.
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00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:31,424
You've had a crush on her
since you could talk.
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Which was late
for your age.
43
00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:33,640
But still.
44
00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:35,401
Sure, Ms. White
has pretty hair
45
00:01:35,489 --> 00:01:37,276
and she's... patient
with those dwarves
46
00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:38,816
in a way you know
you'd just vibe with her,
47
00:01:38,903 --> 00:01:39,880
but not at all!
48
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Who cares!
49
00:01:40,843 --> 00:01:42,794
I can't believe
we're flying to California!
50
00:01:42,882 --> 00:01:44,850
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
51
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,481
That won't
give me enough time
52
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,567
squished together
with my squishies.
53
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We're driving!
54
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To the airport
and then we're flying?
55
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:53,493
When will I learn
not to hug
56
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:54,934
until I hear
all of the details?
57
00:01:55,022 --> 00:01:57,698
It'll be just like the Griswolds.
We're gonna see America!
58
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,916
This America?
I've seen it.
59
00:02:00,004 --> 00:02:01,201
It's all corn.
60
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:04,705
Look, I just finished following the
Grateful Dead in a van with Geoff.
61
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- I'm not going back out there.
- Me neither!
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If you don't,
I won't pay for college.
63
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Yay, everyone's in!
64
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What's all the noise?
65
00:02:11,311 --> 00:02:13,377
I can barely hear myself
eat my creme cookies.
66
00:02:13,465 --> 00:02:15,148
We're driving
to Disneyland!
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00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,083
I get the feeling
I don't have a say in this.
68
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,985
Hmm, I get that
feeling, too! Yay!
69
00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:20,155
Why did I come in here?
70
00:02:20,243 --> 00:02:21,520
And I got a Polaroid
71
00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:23,542
so I can take a photo diary
of our trip!
72
00:02:23,630 --> 00:02:24,917
Come on,
squeeze together.
73
00:02:25,005 --> 00:02:25,892
I don't want
to be near your dad.
74
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,162
He smells like
coffee and onions.
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- Squeeze in.
- You ain't exactly
76
00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:30,198
cinnamon and sugar,
sweetheart.
77
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I don't know where my body
ends and Adam's begins.
78
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This trip is already the worst
thing that's ever happened to me!
79
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Just take
the damn picture!
80
00:02:35,913 --> 00:02:39,198
- ♪ Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-ad ♪
- ♪ Oh whoa whoa, Oh whoa whoa! ♪
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00:02:39,285 --> 00:02:41,285
*THE GOLDBERGS*
Season 07 Episode 01
Episode Title: "Vacation"
82
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It was the last week of
summer, 1980-something,
83
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and the Goldbergs
were about to hit the road.
84
00:02:45,826 --> 00:02:48,596
Of course that meant my dad
was excited about one thing,
85
00:02:48,684 --> 00:02:49,838
saving money.
86
00:02:49,926 --> 00:02:51,051
Lose the bathrobe.
87
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:54,855
It's a traditional Jedi cloak
revered the galaxy over.
88
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:57,354
Well, I'd revere a
tank top if I were you,
89
00:02:57,442 --> 00:02:59,360
because I'm not using
the air conditioning.
90
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,534
You're not cheaping out
on this trip, Murray.
91
00:03:01,622 --> 00:03:02,856
We have
to make it perfect
92
00:03:02,944 --> 00:03:04,492
so that no matter
how old they get
93
00:03:04,580 --> 00:03:06,051
or where
they are in the world,
94
00:03:06,139 --> 00:03:07,958
they'll want to do this
for years to come.
95
00:03:08,046 --> 00:03:09,594
An annual trip?
96
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,238
I was just sitting,
enjoying my cookies.
97
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,140
Now our financial future
is in doubt?
98
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,641
Good news, everyone!
99
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,377
I'm bringing my banjo.
100
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:17,747
No.
Roger that.
101
00:03:17,835 --> 00:03:20,497
Attention,
uneducated masses!
102
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:21,731
As you all know,
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00:03:21,819 --> 00:03:23,616
I'll be attending college
in a week,
104
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,419
so I need to be
in tip-top shape...
105
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,676
Mind and body.
106
00:03:26,766 --> 00:03:28,119
Is that why you're holding
107
00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,323
your mom's
titanium leg pretzel?
108
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,992
This thigh-blasting
machine
109
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,606
is my ticket
to physical dominance.
110
00:03:33,694 --> 00:03:35,551
Just do your dumb thing
in the car.
111
00:03:35,639 --> 00:03:37,021
Where's your sister?
We got to get going.
112
00:03:37,108 --> 00:03:38,464
Saying goodbye
to her boyfriend.
113
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,676
You really
don't want to come
114
00:03:39,764 --> 00:03:42,214
and be jammed in a station
wagon with my family for a week?
115
00:03:42,302 --> 00:03:43,598
And I answered
my own question.
116
00:03:43,686 --> 00:03:44,801
Look, I'll be
on the road, too.
117
00:03:44,888 --> 00:03:46,716
The Dead have four more
concerts left this summer.
118
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I'm hoping by the last one,
I finally like them.
119
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:50,926
Erica! Let's go!
120
00:03:51,411 --> 00:03:52,424
Um...
121
00:03:52,512 --> 00:03:54,551
One more thing,
we need to talk.
122
00:03:54,639 --> 00:03:55,630
Oh? What is it?
123
00:03:55,718 --> 00:03:57,731
Erica!
Gas is burning!
124
00:03:57,819 --> 00:03:58,630
You know what?
It's nothing.
125
00:03:58,725 --> 00:03:59,786
It... It can wait until
after your trip.
126
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,778
I don't want to spoil it.
127
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,825
I better get moving, too.
B-bye!
128
00:04:04,997 --> 00:04:06,223
Erica!
129
00:04:06,445 --> 00:04:07,630
We're doing it!
130
00:04:07,718 --> 00:04:10,002
The Goldbergs
are going on vacation!
131
00:04:10,090 --> 00:04:13,692
♪ I found out long ago ♪
132
00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,936
We couldn't even leave!
133
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,390
But eventually we did.
134
00:04:18,478 --> 00:04:20,873
And once we hit the highway,
it was smooth sailing.
135
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,554
Of course, there were
some bumps inside the car.
136
00:04:23,686 --> 00:04:25,701
Gah! You keep smashing into me!
Stop it!
137
00:04:25,789 --> 00:04:27,480
No can do, Ad-Rock.
138
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:30,116
And be warned,
as my muscles grow, expand,
139
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,512
and explode outward,
I'll need more space.
140
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,054
Why do I always have
to sit in the middle?
141
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,710
'Cause windows
are for college men,
142
00:04:35,798 --> 00:04:37,079
not high school losers!
143
00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:39,149
Yeah, you keep calling
yourself a college man,
144
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,495
but come next week,
you're in for a rude awakening.
145
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:42,629
What's that
supposed to mean?
146
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,374
It means you might be
in college,
147
00:04:44,462 --> 00:04:46,270
but you're just gonna be
a lowly freshman,
148
00:04:46,358 --> 00:04:48,168
totally starting
from scratch socially.
149
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:50,704
Have you not seen the work
I've been doing on my thighs?
150
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:51,972
College is gonna love me.
151
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,508
Or the safety of the
only world you've known
152
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:55,576
will have vanished,
153
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,478
and you'll discover
that there's no place
154
00:04:57,565 --> 00:05:00,581
for an emotionally out-of-control
doof with a thigh device.
155
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:03,184
What? I am not an emotionally
out-of-control doof!
156
00:05:03,272 --> 00:05:03,984
You are!
157
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,677
Adam, quit working
your brother up.
158
00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:06,820
He's gonna
strain his groin.
159
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,889
Erica, switch seats
with me, please.
160
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,725
Hey, if a guy says he needs to
talk, is that bad?
161
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,727
- Ooh.
- Is that a good "ooh"?
162
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,562
- Uh.
- Is that a good "uh"?
163
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,897
You and Geoff
are toast!
164
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,333
And not good toast with tons
of marmalade and butter.
165
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,768
Bad toast that's burnt
and breaking up with you.
166
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,704
He's not
breaking up with me!
167
00:05:23,850 --> 00:05:25,406
He just got real serious,
168
00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,387
and then said he didn't
want to ruin my vacation
169
00:05:27,475 --> 00:05:29,186
by telling me something
and sped off and...
170
00:05:29,274 --> 00:05:30,689
Oh, my God, Geoff's
breaking up with me!
171
00:05:30,776 --> 00:05:31,757
You should call him.
172
00:05:31,845 --> 00:05:33,180
How?
He's on the road, too!
173
00:05:33,268 --> 00:05:34,883
I guess you just
won't know for a week.
174
00:05:34,971 --> 00:05:36,686
But hey,
look on the bright side...
175
00:05:36,774 --> 00:05:37,821
Star Wars.
176
00:05:37,909 --> 00:05:38,909
Yeah, that sounds fun
177
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:41,508
and so much more important
than my relationship!
178
00:05:41,654 --> 00:05:42,834
You know what's fun?
179
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,031
A sing-along!
180
00:05:44,119 --> 00:05:45,547
Oh, come on!
181
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,383
I'll start us all off.
182
00:05:47,690 --> 00:05:49,631
♪ Row, row, row your boat
183
00:05:49,719 --> 00:05:51,064
♪ Gently down the stream
184
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:51,930
Jump in!
185
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,933
♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily
186
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,068
♪ Life is but a dream
187
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,136
Anyone now!
188
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:58,104
♪ Row, row, row your boat
189
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,606
♪ Gently down the stream
190
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,412
There's your cue!
191
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:02,388
♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily
192
00:06:02,476 --> 00:06:03,698
♪ Life is but a dream
193
00:06:03,786 --> 00:06:04,611
Make it yours.
194
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,547
♪ Row, row,
row your boat
195
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,033
♪ Gently down the stream
196
00:06:08,121 --> 00:06:08,994
Just the girls!
197
00:06:09,082 --> 00:06:10,997
♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily
198
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:15,322
♪ Life is but a dre-e-e-am ♪
199
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,252
That was great!
200
00:06:18,854 --> 00:06:21,623
Yep,
our vacation was off to a slow start.
201
00:06:21,786 --> 00:06:23,501
But somewhere
along the open road,
202
00:06:23,589 --> 00:06:25,937
things were about
to kick into high gear.
203
00:06:26,025 --> 00:06:28,007
What the hell
is this nut job doing?
204
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,337
Hey! Go around!
205
00:06:30,595 --> 00:06:32,369
I think she's flirting
with you, Murray.
206
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,075
Whoa, it's just like
in the movie!
207
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,309
But when you see it
in real life,
208
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,836
it just comes off
as wildly reckless!
209
00:06:38,816 --> 00:06:40,744
You're being
very aggressive!
210
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,148
He's spoken for!
211
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,267
Show her
your wedding ring!
212
00:06:43,354 --> 00:06:45,185
I think
she's eyeballing me.
213
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,656
Move your melon, Murray,
214
00:06:46,744 --> 00:06:49,022
so I can enchant her
with a coy wink.
215
00:06:49,116 --> 00:06:50,565
This can't be real.
216
00:06:51,469 --> 00:06:53,118
Oh, it's real, all right.
217
00:06:53,206 --> 00:06:55,789
My fruit guy's nephew
was seduced by a road hussy
218
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,431
and he woke up in a bathtub
219
00:06:57,549 --> 00:07:00,333
missing his kidney, spleen,
corneas, and rectum.
220
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,908
There are road hussies?
221
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,437
Geoff's on the road!
222
00:07:03,596 --> 00:07:04,675
And single.
223
00:07:04,763 --> 00:07:05,930
We don't know that!
224
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,362
As Pops'
blonde beauty sped away,
225
00:07:10,470 --> 00:07:12,285
we headed towards
our first pit stop,
226
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,886
the Old West.
227
00:07:13,974 --> 00:07:17,161
See, back in 1980-something,
it was 1880-something.
228
00:07:17,249 --> 00:07:19,664
Would you look
at this place?
229
00:07:19,899 --> 00:07:22,054
It's like
stepping back in time!
230
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,491
The hotel room prices
are certainly up-to-date.
231
00:07:24,630 --> 00:07:25,859
Howdy, folks.
232
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:29,463
Welcome to Durango Gulch,
population 237.
233
00:07:29,669 --> 00:07:30,950
Oops.
234
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,895
Looks like 236.
235
00:07:33,014 --> 00:07:34,387
Funny stuff,
Quick Draw McGraw.
236
00:07:34,479 --> 00:07:35,927
But, um,
where's the pay phones?
237
00:07:36,060 --> 00:07:37,808
It's the 19th century,
ma'am.
238
00:07:37,896 --> 00:07:41,173
I don't reckon to know what hifalutin
contraption you're speaking about.
239
00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:43,510
Okay, so you're just gonna
keep doing the thing?
240
00:07:43,817 --> 00:07:45,591
Great.
I'll be in the saloon.
241
00:07:46,451 --> 00:07:48,973
Ooh, looks like we got
a real cowboy here.
242
00:07:49,061 --> 00:07:50,750
You just step off the
trail, pardner?
243
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,819
I'm walking like this
because I blasted my thighs
244
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,921
with unbridled intensity
for 300 miles.
245
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,389
How would
you two little wranglers
246
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,348
like to be my deputies?
247
00:07:59,263 --> 00:08:01,178
"Little wrangler"?
248
00:08:01,266 --> 00:08:04,082
I'm a man who could grow
twice the mustache you have
249
00:08:04,207 --> 00:08:05,956
except then
you'd be humiliated,
250
00:08:06,051 --> 00:08:07,118
and I'd become sheriff,
251
00:08:07,206 --> 00:08:09,075
and I don't want
that responsibility.
252
00:08:09,875 --> 00:08:12,145
Ohh... Ow, ow. Ohh.
253
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:15,114
Not cool, man!
Not cool!
254
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,983
Yeah, I don't think he totally
gets what this place is.
255
00:08:19,362 --> 00:08:21,299
There's no way
he's breaking up with me.
256
00:08:21,391 --> 00:08:23,507
I mean, look at me.
I'm a catch.
257
00:08:23,799 --> 00:08:25,291
I guess
I am a little bossy,
258
00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:27,276
but what man
doesn't like that?
259
00:08:28,866 --> 00:08:30,747
Damn it!
He's so leaving me!
260
00:08:30,948 --> 00:08:31,925
Love isn't real!
261
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,323
Neither is your ID.
262
00:08:33,411 --> 00:08:34,760
Oh, sure,
you don't have phones,
263
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,526
but you check
my fake driver's license?
264
00:08:36,614 --> 00:08:37,628
Pick a century!
265
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,698
Yo, wanna go ride
a dead-eyed mule in a circle?
266
00:08:43,786 --> 00:08:44,713
It's super sad!
267
00:08:44,801 --> 00:08:46,955
No! I'm not going on
some dumb kid's ride.
268
00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:48,007
Just leave me alone.
269
00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:50,511
Are you really still upset
that I accurately suggested
270
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,679
you're not ready for the next
major step in your life?
271
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:56,116
Please, your devastating words
had no effect on me.
272
00:08:56,297 --> 00:08:57,732
I know I'm a man!
273
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,476
Oh, no!
274
00:09:01,564 --> 00:09:03,843
Bandits have surrounded
the stagecoach!
275
00:09:03,931 --> 00:09:04,945
And I'm gonna prove it!
276
00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:06,851
Is there
one man brave enough
277
00:09:06,939 --> 00:09:09,721
to stop these banditos
with this here lasso?
278
00:09:09,809 --> 00:09:13,029
I am that one man,
Fake Sheriff.
279
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,735
You know your way
around a rope, son?
280
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,002
Of course I know ropes.
281
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,271
I've played tug-of-war
and the board game Clue...
282
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:20,765
But we lost that piece,
so we use an old checker.
283
00:09:20,873 --> 00:09:24,310
Now just swing this thing
in a slow circular pattern.
284
00:09:25,337 --> 00:09:26,352
Yah!
285
00:09:26,486 --> 00:09:27,772
Yah!
286
00:09:28,010 --> 00:09:29,024
Yah!
287
00:09:29,112 --> 00:09:31,381
Yah! Yah!
288
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:35,321
Is that one of those
cheap plate-glass windows
289
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,790
that cowboys are always
crashing through?
290
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:37,991
It is not.
291
00:09:40,091 --> 00:09:41,160
Morons!
292
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,430
I mean, who gets kicked out
of an imaginary Western town?
293
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,266
Those rooms
were non-refundable!
294
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,459
Well,
this is just perfect.
295
00:09:47,547 --> 00:09:49,403
Where are we supposed
to stay tonight?
296
00:09:49,491 --> 00:09:51,358
Don't you worry
about me.
297
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,781
Hey, Al.
Ready to go?
298
00:09:57,899 --> 00:09:59,334
You know it, sweetie.
299
00:10:00,003 --> 00:10:01,780
I'm gonna miss you guys.
300
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,420
You know,
you're welcome to stay.
301
00:10:03,508 --> 00:10:05,920
I... I'm being polite.
Punch it!
302
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,055
Okay.
303
00:10:09,178 --> 00:10:10,891
We're still together mostly.
304
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,193
Don't worry,
I've already thought of
305
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,028
a cheap, available place
for us to sleep.
306
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,492
That night,
our hotel didn't have four stars.
307
00:10:17,594 --> 00:10:18,674
It had four wheels.
308
00:10:18,762 --> 00:10:20,733
Stop fluffing me,
I'm not a pillow!
309
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:21,835
Then get softer!
310
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,623
Will you two dopes
shut up?
311
00:10:23,908 --> 00:10:26,467
My God, this trip sucks.
312
00:10:26,561 --> 00:10:28,541
At least it's the last one
we'll ever take together.
313
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,712
Until Mom forces us to do
this all again next year.
314
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,547
Dummy, we're going off
to college.
315
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,983
We're not doing
this again. Ever.
316
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,219
Yeah, we're
not just moving out.
317
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,154
We're moving on
for good.
318
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,223
In that moment,
I realized our family
319
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,225
was truly going
their separate ways.
320
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,527
No more crazy adventures
with my brother or sister.
321
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,114
And no more middle seat.
322
00:10:49,202 --> 00:10:50,273
I'm okay with it.
323
00:10:50,361 --> 00:10:53,218
But there was one person who
would never be okay with it.
324
00:10:55,482 --> 00:10:58,037
Our family vacation
was still on track for Disneyland,
325
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,547
but my mom's mind
was on a different path.
326
00:11:00,635 --> 00:11:02,470
Murray, the kids aren't
gonna go away to college
327
00:11:02,557 --> 00:11:04,277
- and never come back, right?
- I dunno.
328
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,218
Sure they're growing up,
but they love us
329
00:11:06,306 --> 00:11:08,682
- and want to stay in our lives forever!
- I dunno.
330
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,951
My children will spend
every summer with me
331
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,431
until the day I die!
332
00:11:12,519 --> 00:11:14,249
And even then,
they're gonna carry my urn
333
00:11:14,337 --> 00:11:15,856
on every vacation
they ever take.
334
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,978
Of course! Well,
you're finally agreeing with me?
335
00:11:18,066 --> 00:11:19,981
Of course they're
screwing me at the pump!
336
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,086
$9 to fill up a tank?
337
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,538
Our babies are choosing to
de-latch from our collective bosom
338
00:11:25,626 --> 00:11:28,001
and all you care about
is gas mileage!
339
00:11:28,089 --> 00:11:29,270
What do you want from me?
340
00:11:29,358 --> 00:11:30,974
I don't know what those
morons are gonna do.
341
00:11:31,061 --> 00:11:32,375
But I do know
they're here now,
342
00:11:32,463 --> 00:11:35,306
so let's, uh, drive around
or, uh, whatever.
343
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:36,441
That's right!
344
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,911
They're with us now!
345
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,046
So if we make this trip
extra special,
346
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,858
they're gonna want
to come back for more!
347
00:11:41,946 --> 00:11:43,516
Yeah, I dunno.
348
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,767
As my mom was trying
to keep her family together,
349
00:11:45,884 --> 00:11:49,155
my sister was trying to keep her
relationship from falling apart.
350
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,814
Hey, Geoff, it's Erica.
351
00:11:50,986 --> 00:11:52,376
Just checking in to
see
352
00:11:52,464 --> 00:11:54,040
what you meant by,
"We need to talk."
353
00:11:54,158 --> 00:11:56,931
Probably just wanted to say
how we have no problems
354
00:11:57,019 --> 00:11:58,700
and we're a perfect couple.
355
00:11:59,027 --> 00:12:01,228
Okay, well, have fun
on the road, bye!
356
00:12:01,592 --> 00:12:04,525
Unfortunately, she couldn't
leave just one message.
357
00:12:04,613 --> 00:12:06,806
Here's what "We need
to talk" means to me.
358
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,508
It means
we have a problem.
359
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:09,810
So is... Is it me?
360
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,150
You're the problem, Geoff!
361
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:12,779
Maybe I don't want you!
362
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,299
Come back to me,
my widdle Geoffy-weffy.
363
00:12:14,386 --> 00:12:15,423
You're a butt!
364
00:12:15,511 --> 00:12:17,226
And not just
the tiny part of the butt,
365
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:18,530
but the whole mound.
366
00:12:18,618 --> 00:12:21,486
The cheeks, the smelly
region, all of it.
367
00:12:22,215 --> 00:12:24,030
Okey-doke.
I think I got it.
368
00:12:24,226 --> 00:12:25,207
Thanks, Dr. Schwartz.
369
00:12:25,295 --> 00:12:26,375
Oh, I almost forgot.
370
00:12:26,463 --> 00:12:28,491
Geoffrey called and passed on
a message of his own.
371
00:12:28,579 --> 00:12:29,495
What did he say?
372
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,814
He said he needs to
tell you in person,
373
00:12:31,933 --> 00:12:34,181
but it's big
and possibly upsetting.
374
00:12:34,269 --> 00:12:36,369
That doesn't help at all.
It just makes everything worse!
375
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:37,876
Sure thing, honey.
Bye now.
376
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,141
Why didn't you
get a slushie?
377
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:42,675
They had your favorite...
Blue.
378
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,311
Real men don't drink
that delicious crap.
379
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:46,780
They drink
boiling-hot coffee.
380
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,087
But you hate coffee.
381
00:12:48,175 --> 00:12:49,939
That was Yesterday Barry.
382
00:12:50,027 --> 00:12:53,181
But now my taste buds and
skittish tummy have matured.
383
00:12:54,943 --> 00:12:56,792
How could you put this
in your body?
384
00:12:56,892 --> 00:12:57,993
Ugh!
385
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,134
I love it.
386
00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:03,368
Okay, Bar, clearly I freaked you
out about starting college...
387
00:13:03,456 --> 00:13:04,603
I'm not freaked out!
388
00:13:04,691 --> 00:13:05,986
If anything,
I'm freaked in!
389
00:13:06,074 --> 00:13:08,323
- That doesn't mean anything.
- You don't mean anything!
390
00:13:08,411 --> 00:13:10,469
You're a tiny boy who
doesn't know the struggles
391
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:13,212
of a fully grown
college gentleman!
392
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,423
Hot! Hot!
393
00:13:18,655 --> 00:13:20,236
This is hard to watch.
394
00:13:20,362 --> 00:13:22,509
But the good news is we'll
be in Anaheim in two days.
395
00:13:22,619 --> 00:13:23,933
Change of plans!
396
00:13:24,021 --> 00:13:27,103
I've got a surefire way to make sure
everybody loves this vacation...
397
00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:29,321
Make it way longer!
398
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:30,454
Oh, balls.
399
00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:33,692
We are gonna hit every major
attraction from here to California.
400
00:13:33,874 --> 00:13:34,821
But that'll
take forever.
401
00:13:34,909 --> 00:13:36,428
What about
my "Star Tours" ride?
402
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,618
Schmoopie, it's about the
journey, not the destination.
403
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:42,068
Ha! You have to
appreciate the journey!
404
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,838
Ah, see? Barry's excited!
Who else?
405
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,240
Might as well,
my relationship is probably over.
406
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,585
See? Another one of my
babies didn't say no!
407
00:13:49,673 --> 00:13:50,310
Murray?
408
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,845
I don't care what we do,
as long as it's free.
409
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:52,806
Ah! See?
410
00:13:52,894 --> 00:13:55,877
Everyone's in and happy
and we're making memories,
411
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:59,204
and this is gonna be the best
Goldbergs vacation ever!
412
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,759
Say, "Cheese"!
413
00:14:01,847 --> 00:14:04,295
And so we saw America.
414
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,875
In all its weird
and magnificent glory.
415
00:14:06,963 --> 00:14:08,754
There were sculptures
made of cars,
416
00:14:08,999 --> 00:14:10,814
mountains made of faces,
417
00:14:11,026 --> 00:14:12,969
one big hole.
418
00:14:13,165 --> 00:14:14,880
But what took
our breath away the most
419
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,914
was the crappy motel our dad
insisted staying at.
420
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,540
This is the kind of motel
where people live full-time.
421
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:21,774
Uh, it's gross.
422
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,000
It's cozy.
423
00:14:23,088 --> 00:14:24,669
There's police tape
around the pool.
424
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:28,188
That shows the police have
already been here. So it's safe.
425
00:14:28,276 --> 00:14:30,928
Look! They got one of those
Magic Fingers bed massagers.
426
00:14:31,016 --> 00:14:31,873
No!
427
00:14:31,961 --> 00:14:33,094
Nobody touch anything
428
00:14:33,182 --> 00:14:35,097
until I hit it with
some Lysol Pine action.
429
00:14:35,185 --> 00:14:36,432
I'm turning it on!
430
00:14:36,535 --> 00:14:39,024
My thighs and tummy muscles
are still sore!
431
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:43,090
Let's soothe
my aching bones!
432
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,987
Lemme turn it down.
433
00:14:48,509 --> 00:14:49,891
Damn it, moron!
434
00:14:49,979 --> 00:14:51,774
They don't have
any more rooms!
435
00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:53,516
What do you do
with these things?
436
00:14:53,604 --> 00:14:56,516
I've got a super fun idea
that solves everything!
437
00:14:57,660 --> 00:14:59,341
Who can sleep like this?
438
00:14:59,616 --> 00:15:02,166
Yeah,
we barely slept a wink that night.
439
00:15:02,237 --> 00:15:03,850
And we were so exhausted
the next morning,
440
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,586
everyone passed out
in the car.
441
00:15:05,674 --> 00:15:07,055
And I mean everyone.
442
00:15:26,945 --> 00:15:29,640
Do you think this will
affect our time at Disneyland?
443
00:15:31,482 --> 00:15:33,731
Barry,
this is all your fault!
444
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,648
You and your stupid
bed massager.
445
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,836
I know! I'm not a man!
446
00:15:38,057 --> 00:15:41,173
I'm starting college,
but the truth is I still feel like a boy.
447
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:42,708
Like sad, pathetic
little Adam here.
448
00:15:42,797 --> 00:15:43,797
Hey!
449
00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:44,974
Will you shut up?
450
00:15:45,062 --> 00:15:46,226
I mean, look at this!
451
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,328
Now I'll never get to a
phone and learn the truth
452
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:49,762
that I definitely
don't wanna know!
453
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:50,897
My God!
454
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,999
You're both
just selfish jerks!
455
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,167
You know,
I actually thought
456
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,536
I was gonna miss you next
year, but good riddance!
457
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:57,703
Stop!
458
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,039
Tell me the truth...
459
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:02,414
Are you all gonna head out the door
for college and never look back?
460
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,768
I see.
461
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,582
Every one of these pictures
breaks my heart.
462
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:12,052
You all look sad or angry
or miserable.
463
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,859
And that is not
what I wanted.
464
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,056
- Bevy...
- No!
465
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,594
Let's just go home
and be done with it.
466
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,327
I can't take another day
of family vacation
467
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,429
if this is the last one
I'm ever gonna have.
468
00:16:27,082 --> 00:16:30,002
Our car and
our mom were broken,
469
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,938
and all we wanted
was to go home.
470
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,706
I thought we had more
suitcases than this.
471
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:34,774
We did.
472
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,392
At least this
horrible trip is over.
473
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,744
But it wasn't.
Not for my dad.
474
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,847
He was about to head down
a road we never expected.
475
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,449
You know what I think?
476
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,085
I think you're all ****
in the head.
477
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,786
- Whoa!
- Motel language!
478
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:47,887
You're just
gonna give up?
479
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:48,955
- Yeah.
- Kinda.
480
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:49,793
Do we have a choice?
481
00:16:49,881 --> 00:16:53,058
Your mom worked her ass off
to plan you a great vacation,
482
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:54,699
and I didn't know why.
483
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,996
But, damn it, I do now.
484
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,764
Murray,
what are you saying?
485
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,566
I'm not sure
about the future,
486
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:02,802
but right here, right now,
487
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,605
there's no amount of money
I wouldn't spend
488
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,640
for my family
to have a great vacation.
489
00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:08,808
Dad's suddenly
thoughtful!
490
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,310
He must've banged his head
in the accident!
491
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,411
Are you serious?
492
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,519
To keep
this family together,
493
00:17:13,863 --> 00:17:15,802
I would spend
every last penny.
494
00:17:17,671 --> 00:17:19,019
Hey, Goldbergs,
need a lift?
495
00:17:19,107 --> 00:17:21,150
Thank God! Everybody get in!
Come on!
496
00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:22,746
Geoff!
How did you find us?
497
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,392
Well, you left my dad a lot
of very upsetting messages,
498
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:26,959
so I drove here
as fast as I could.
499
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,928
I followed your suitcases
like bread crumbs!
500
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:31,027
So, what did you want
to talk to me about?
501
00:17:32,997 --> 00:17:34,179
Well...
502
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:37,770
I had such an amazing time
doing nothing this summer,
503
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,058
that I want it
to continue.
504
00:17:40,237 --> 00:17:41,637
I'm not going to school
in the fall.
505
00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:43,861
Oh, my God!
That's it?
506
00:17:43,949 --> 00:17:46,346
Well, yeah. I mean,
it's a pretty big deal.
507
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,680
My dad's not thrilled.
508
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:48,981
And your messages
didn't exactly
509
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,650
fill him with hope
for my future.
510
00:17:50,785 --> 00:17:52,785
You jerk! I thought you
were breaking up with me!
511
00:17:52,910 --> 00:17:54,187
What? Never.
512
00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,274
You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.
513
00:17:56,490 --> 00:17:57,771
I never doubted it.
514
00:17:57,881 --> 00:18:00,463
Turns out some trips
are about finding your way,
515
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,613
and not losing track
of where you're headed.
516
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,797
Hey, Bar.
About what I said.
517
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,466
No, you were right.
518
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:07,832
I'm not ready for college.
519
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:08,967
Of course you are.
520
00:18:09,058 --> 00:18:10,536
You're Big Tasty.
521
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,706
You attack everything you do with
the full force of your being.
522
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,486
Trust me, college is gonna be
a piece of cake for you.
523
00:18:16,574 --> 00:18:17,710
You really think so?
524
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:18,931
I know so.
525
00:18:19,622 --> 00:18:21,113
Thanks, Ad-Rock.
526
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,089
Venturing out
can be scary,
527
00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:24,683
but it's easier
to take that trek
528
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,863
when you're riding
with the people you love.
529
00:18:27,035 --> 00:18:28,855
Family vacations are hard.
530
00:18:28,943 --> 00:18:31,793
They're stressful
and expensive,
531
00:18:32,074 --> 00:18:33,566
and uncomfortable.
532
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,069
But the thing
that makes them great
533
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,582
are the memories
of doing it all together.
534
00:18:38,011 --> 00:18:39,730
We're really here.
535
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:41,597
Thank you, Mama.
536
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,569
Anything for you, schmoo.
537
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,838
Maybe next year we can go
to Walt Disney World.
538
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:46,906
That sounds pretty cool.
539
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,074
Yeah, I guess I'd try it.
540
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,310
Wait... You guys
would wanna do this again?
541
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:51,877
I'm open to it.
542
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,605
Ah! My schmoopies
will be with me forever!
543
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,457
Are we too late?
544
00:18:58,599 --> 00:19:01,144
- We got lost.
- Intentionally.
545
00:19:01,232 --> 00:19:03,277
Just in time, Pops!
We're running for it!
546
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,371
Oh, sorry,
park's closed.
547
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,779
What? Oh, no!
S-someone do something!
548
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,364
I'm here!
549
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,590
Don't worry, schmoo.
Mama's got this.
550
00:19:30,798 --> 00:19:31,779
In that moment,
551
00:19:31,867 --> 00:19:33,908
Beverly Goldberg
did what she did best...
552
00:19:33,996 --> 00:19:35,973
She lied her ass off.
553
00:19:36,061 --> 00:19:38,776
She told elaborate,
far-fetched tales of our journey.
554
00:19:38,987 --> 00:19:41,270
Apparently,
we were attacked by bald eagles
555
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,196
and a motorcycle gang?
556
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:46,369
There was a tornado,
and then a tsunami.
557
00:19:46,457 --> 00:19:48,278
And then another tornado.
558
00:19:48,366 --> 00:19:52,168
She wove a tapestry of lies
so intricate, so beautiful,
559
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,407
by the end, none of us knew
what was real.
560
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:55,975
..and that is when
little Adam
561
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:59,044
had to help his grandpa
by sucking out the venom.
562
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:02,145
Wow, you guys have been through
a whole lot as a family.
563
00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:04,315
And you know what? I had no idea
there were zebras in Arizona.
564
00:20:04,402 --> 00:20:06,184
Zebras are the piranhas
of the sand.
565
00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:08,853
Well, you know what?
All I meant was the park is closed now.
566
00:20:08,947 --> 00:20:10,645
But it opens
in 15 minutes.
567
00:20:11,648 --> 00:20:13,309
Why didn't you
say something?
568
00:20:13,397 --> 00:20:15,489
Well, I tried, but you were
going on and on and on.
569
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,330
But go on in!
Come on, the park's all yours!
570
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,942
Rusty, you're the best!
571
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:21,291
Let's do it, Adam!
Let's go ride "Star Tours"!
572
00:20:21,379 --> 00:20:22,302
No, no!
573
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,171
I think I know something that would
be more fun for the whole family.
574
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,639
♪ Holiday road
575
00:20:26,825 --> 00:20:29,434
We finally made it
to the happiest place on Earth.
576
00:20:29,522 --> 00:20:32,076
And as magical as it was,
thanks to my mom,
577
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:35,121
I realized the best part
of the Goldberg vacation
578
00:20:35,209 --> 00:20:36,490
was the journey.
579
00:20:36,689 --> 00:20:39,405
To this day,
we still travel as a family.
580
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:41,204
Of course,
it never gets easier,
581
00:20:41,292 --> 00:20:43,720
but I wouldn't trade it
for the world.
582
00:20:45,540 --> 00:20:50,204
- ♪ Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-ad ♪
- ♪ Oh whoa whoa, Oh whoa whoa! ♪
583
00:20:50,384 --> 00:20:55,336
- ♪ Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-ad ♪
- ♪ Oh whoa whoa, Oh whoa whoa! ♪
584
00:21:05,147 --> 00:21:08,552
Wakey-wakey! Get out!
I was just dreaming about
585
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,182
scoring a touchdown
for the Eagles!
586
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,484
But I brought you
breakfast.
587
00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:12,585
Well, finally!
588
00:21:12,673 --> 00:21:15,029
I've been trying to take my
meals in my room for years.
589
00:21:15,117 --> 00:21:16,155
Gimme!
590
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:17,623
This is
a whole lotta liquids.
591
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:19,687
All part of
a balanced breakfast.
592
00:21:20,549 --> 00:21:21,863
No! My juices!
593
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,863
Oh, no! My hot coffee!
594
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:26,165
Oh, no! Adam! Hit stop!
595
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:28,133
I should have never
stolen this from the motel!
596
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,695
Yeah,
I'm gonna miss you.