Back in the '80s, I loved
"The Greatest American Hero," in which an encounter
with aliens causes schoolteacher Ralph Hinkley
to reluctantly lead a double life.
What a perfectly realized premise!
Of all the people to get superpowers,
a mild-mannered guy!
Maybe his ordinariness is his superpower.
Either way, these are definitely questions
the show wants us to be asking.
Of course, in my world, there was only one curly blond,
garishly costumed superhero. We're closing.
My beautiful boy needs a pair of acid-washed jeans,
and he needs them right now.
I have demands.
You're gonna give Erica a solo, or it's your ass.
Nothing could stop her from getting what
she and her family sort of deserved.
Change the grade.
Change the... Oh, that's nice.
Unfortunately, I hadn't inherited
my mom's superpower of being super-pushy.
I wanted to rent Lethal Weapon,
but you accidentally gave me Lethal Seduction.
Welcome to adulthood.
I was hoping I could get a refund?
No. Okey-doke.
Unacceptable! Everyone's in trouble!
Erica and Barry, on the other hand,
welcomed all kinds of conflict.
This is what's gonna happen. We're getting 10 free rentals.
And that life-size cardboard cutout
of offbeat hunk Judd Nelson. You know what?
Make it two Judd Nelsons
and all the Haagen-Dazs in the freezer.
I can't do that.
Mr. West Coast Video?
You're about to be super upset!
Fine. If you just leave, you can have everything.
Adam, grab our Judds.
Sorry, Nolan. For your trouble.
Yep, unlike my siblings,
the last thing I wanted was any confrontation.
Oh, man! Lasagna.
Even more delicious layers than a Nora Ephron script.
The love of lasagna's the one thing Garfield gets right.
Hit me, Helen. Gimme a sec.
It's the last piece on the tray,
and she's fighting me.
Oh, yeah.
Um, if it's no trouble,
I'd rather have a nice, steamy piece from that new tray.
And I'd rather have 10 toes
that all point in the same direction.
God hates us both, I guess.
Good luck with your podiatry issues.
I love lasagna.
Adam, what did you get?
Is that a charred baseball glove?
That was left on a desert highway
where it was pummeled by a convoy?
I get it!
My lasagna doesn't look like yours.
Mmm! Beefy goodness. Golden perfection.
Good for you! And why are you guys even here?
I don't have class on Tuesdays,
so I come here for Jenkintown's
best kept secret, high school lasagna.
I do have class on Tuesdays,
but for the first time ever, Barry is correct.
What the hell's this?
Adam, why is most of your family here?
I am the Quaker Warden.
It's a ceremonial position
with unlimited power.
For example, my fully grown children
are able to come here and eat whatever they want.
Schmoopie, go up and get
a new piece of lasagna that's as delicious as you are.
Ma, I just don't want to bother Helen.
She's having a bad day. And life.
Ow!
The little, crusty barbs don't soften in the mouth!
I know the Heimlich! No, Barry. I'm not choking.
No, I wouldn't... No. Barry...
You can expect some broken ribs!
** I'm twisted up inside
** But nonetheless I feel the need to say
** I don't know the future
** But the past keeps getting clearer every day
It was February 24th, 1980-something,
and my dad and Vic were having
a deep, meaningful conversation.
What do you got between your bread today, man?
I don't care.
And that scintillating back-and-forth
was pretty much their lunch every day... Hey, guys!
...until Formica Mike joined the team.
What do you say you guys put down those sad sammies,
we head over to China Garden?
Well, I've been trying to get Murray over there
ever since they opened, but, but he says it's too far.
It's three blocks away!
We're saying the same thing.
Aw, come on, Mur.
My periodontist says it's great.
They got pandas
all over the wall!
I'll pull the Fleetwood around.
Let's eat, Mur.
Yeah, I'd like to, but, unfortunately,
I pulled the footrest out on this La-Z-Boy.
But you clearly haven't.
My mistake.
But it turns out Vic and Formica Mike
shared more than moo shu.
Oh! You missed it, Mur.
Look at the length of this egg roll.
Is this an elephant's trunk or what?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, big food. Where's Vic?
Gave him the rest of the day off. He needed some Vic time.
Vic time? Why?
Well, it's that daughter of his.
Little Vicky? Asha.
What is she? About 7 now? Seventeen.
You didn't let me finish. Teen.
Yeah, she's going off to college, and he's just...
He's having a hard time knowing that his,
his little girl's leaving forever.
I'm just surprised that you're telling me and not Vic.
I think this is less about
my relationship with Vic and more about yours.
Look, Pete Rose could hit a double with this thing!
Boom!
As my dad realized Vic was a mystery to him,
I had no clue what my mom was about to hit me with.
Adam, I'm concerned.
Gah! My body's bigger, so I need longer showers!
It's just math.
I have failed you.
You are a sweet, kind, patient boy,
and I have no one but myself to blame.
What are you saying?
I think your mom's implying you're a doormat.
Ding-ding-ding! After your sad lasagna incident,
I realized I'm not always gonna be there
to fight your fights for you.
There's gonna be hours, sometimes entire afternoons
where you're all alone.
We have very different visions of my future.
Every Goldberg child must learn to fend for himself.
The world's job is to bend
and often break to my will.
You have to take what's yours, and also what's not.
It's time to teach my coddled baby not to be a pushover.
Or we could all
just leave the gentle, kind-hearted child alone.
No! Here are some phrases you'll need.
"I'd like to speak to your manager,"
"The sign says 'closed,' but the light is on,"
and, "You can't prove this wasn't on the sale rack."
Those seem pretty horrible.
Now you're getting it!
And don't be afraid to use
the environment around you.
Stomp, toss stuff,
knock things over.
I like to swing my emotions around.
One moment, I'm gently pleading.
The next, I'm on the ground crying and kicking security.
Practice scenario.
You're in a clothing store, and Barry is the owner.
Not clothing. It's a BMX store
owned by my character, Spokes Driscoll,
but my real dream is to overcome the issues
that got me kicked off the circuit.
You're gonna give him that long of a creative leash?
It adds color.
Now, you are returning a BMX-icle that you've used
for six years, and you want a full refund.
Go.
Ugh! Fine.
Excuse me. Mr. Driscoll?
Name's Spokes. And we're closed.
Well, when are you open?
For one second a day.
What? That just seems like a bad business plan!
No one criticizes
Spokes Driscoll's business acumen!
Do you even know who I am?
A loose cannon named Spokes Driscoll?
He got it in one.
Now to crank up the difficulty,
Erica has cut in front of you.
I thought the place was closed.
Come any closer, and I'll mace you, perv!
I was just standing here! Hey!
Local deviant. Are you bothering this nice lady?
Spokes' Pool Tables and Bikes might be closed,
but I'm open to kicking your butt.
You sell pool tables now, too?
Excuse me. Are you the owner of that AMC Pacer out front?
Oh, please say I'm not. You are.
I'm attractive local meter maid Isabella Bianco,
and I'm gonna haul that pile of junk to the impound lot
if you don't pay my bribe, a thousand kissies.
Ah.
The Italian meter maid wants to nuzzle me?
Am I the only one losing the thread?
Mmm. Try to follow this. The police are on their way,
and you messed with the wrong lady buying a pool table!
Whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo!
No! Maybe I should come back tomorrow?
No. Tomorrow, we're closed forever.
I'm going back to the circuit!
The BMX tribunal retested my blood. I'm clean, baby.
Good for you, Barry.
I feel like Spokes really needed a win.
And, scene!
Oh! Chills.
Adam, how do you think you did?
Uh, pretty decent, given the situation.
You did crap.
You really did. You suck, bro.
Well, you know what? all of you!
That's right! all of you and your dumb faces!
And that, my Schmoo,
is a great first step in finding your voice!
Oh, my gosh! Yeah.
Let's have ice cream. Whoo!
While I was finding my way,
my dad was still feeling a bit lost.
Mur, you've barely touched your third helping of tater bombs.
What's wrong?
If you had something going on, you'd tell me about it, right?
Depends. Is there anybody else in the world? I'm being serious.
Mur, I love you like a tick loves a hound,
but a listener you are not.
There are things you haven't told me?
So many. Like what?
I hold two boomerang world records.
I was an Admiral in the Coast Guard.
Last year, I found a third nipple on my shoulder.
I love birds.
They can fly!
That's God's best magic trick.
Well, you could've told me. Not that nonsense about
the third nipple, but, you know, about birds.
I love fried chicken.
I've tried, but the moment I start sharing
is the moment you stop caring.
Not anymore. From now on, I'm gonna be there for my friend.
Music to my ears.
Tomorrow, I'm having an elective procedure on my shoulder.
Where you going?
I'm gonna go be there for my friend Vic. I just told you.
Hey, Vic. Any, uh, emotional stuff
you want to get off your chest about your kid
or is everything okay and I can be on my way?
What's happening now?
I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk.
You know, you and me talking. But if... Either/or.
You talk, not talk. It's good with me.
Hey, Vic. What do you say we go over to Mahmoud's
for some fattoush?
I don't know what it is,
but they say it's the best in the city.
Oh, wonderful. The culinary trip continues.
Great! Mur, what do you say?
Nah, I'm good. I'm good. You guys seem to have it down.
Have a good time. It's your loss, because
the falafel, they're as big as volleyballs!
You don't dip them in the hummus. You spike 'em!
Come on, let's go!
While my dad couldn't connect with Vic,
I was trying to connect with my inner Beverly.
You have it in you to get the lasagna you deserve.
Now make your mama proud.
Hello, Helen. I'd like some lasagna.
From the middle, please.
Sorry. Middle's for the pretty people.
In that moment, I decided
I wasn't going to be a doormat forever.
So I dug deep and deployed
one of my mom's favorite phrases.
I'd like to speak to your manager.
Is there a problem, Mr. Goldberg?
There is, Principal Ball.
I eat here every day, and, consistently,
Helen serves me the lasagna dregs.
I appreciate you pointing that out.
Rest assured I will do nothing about it.
Then I will.
Dave Kim, are you still on the school paper?
Yes. I have a weekly humor column.
It's a sardonic look at high school called "Kim's Whims."
Everyone hates it.
So you could write a scathing expose about
how this institution discriminates against students
of the nerd variety?
Negative press?
I've seen the movies. Nerds are vengeful.
And, Brea! You're popular, yes?
I'm not lacking in social capital.
So you could tell the cool kids to eat somewhere else?
Where the cool kids go, everyone goes!
Oh, sir, please, no. We value your business.
Then earn it, or I'll make a scene so insane,
it'll make Beverly Goldberg seem reasonable!
Get this fine gentleman two center-cut pieces.
Yes!
Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.
Next time, ask for me by name. Earl.
Oh...
Did I get a good piece?
I blacked out there for a while.
Schmoo, you got the best piece.
And even better than that, you got my powers!
My dad realized he needed to be a better friend to Vic,
so he turned to an expert on the subject.
Hey, Mr. G. Don't mind me.
I'm just waiting for the ol' ball and chain,
a.k.a. your daughter. I struggle with small talk.
But you're good with big talk, right?
Well, if you mean compassion and understanding,
then, yeah, I'm your fella.
Cop a squat. Come on.
Wow. Is this an overture of friendship?
You know, I always pictured us on a horseback trail ride
or building a log cabin together, but I'll take it.
Yes, horses and logs.
What does it take to be a good friend?
Well, there's more than one thing.
This is becoming a hassle.
The first step is listening.
All right. Hit me with your first step!
I just did, but here's a technique that might also help.
Uh, echoing. Echoing?
See? You're a natural.
Why are you making this so difficult?
Pretend we're best bros.
That's a big ask, but let's do it.
Share something that troubles you.
Nope. Off to a slow start.
But here's another sure-fire tip to make someone know you care.
Give the perfect gift.
Listening and giving gifts.
What are we married?
Ugh!
The worst day ever!
I'm listening, Bar. Tell your amigo Geoff what's wrong.
Nobody signed my petition
to make nunchucking an Olympic sport!
Now I'll have to win gold at something dumb, like swimming.
So nobody signed your petition,
and now your only Olympic hope is dumb swimming.
You get it.
My dismay is subsiding 'cause I feel super heard right now.
Maybe this will also help.
"Hang in There!"?
I saw it and thought of you.
'Cause I'm like the jacked kitten
whose perseverance will inevitably be rewarded!
Thanks, Geoff! You're a great friend.
And that's how it's done.
As my dad was buying into Geoff's advice,
my new powers of being impossibly difficult
had made me unstoppable.
I'm sorry. I was next.
Congratulations. You're still next.
I picked my movie from the "Staff Picks" section.
Tell Brad P. from Allentown to get his eyes and ears checked,
'cause this movie sucks!
Sure, it took a while for me to find my voice,
but I was finally a nightmare.
Goldberg! What the hell are you doing?
Just taking a load off at my new desk.
Oh, no, no, no. That's mine.
That's where I keep my papers and my gum.
Not anymore, unless you want me to speak to your manager.
Oh, Earl!
Hi.
It seems that young Goldberg has learned how to harness
his disgruntlement much like his mother.
So let the boy sit where he wants.
Smart choice. Damn it!
Yep, for better or worse, I had all my mom's powers,
and it was awesome!
'Sup, fools? A phone without wires?
More like a future without limits!
And why do you have it, exactly?
The Radio Shack manager gave it to me
to stop threatening legal action when they kept me
waiting in line to buy batteries. Nice, huh?
Actually, that's kinda gross, Adam.
I miss the old version of you, the spineless guy who was weak
and unintimidating and barely landed Brea.
He has a good point.
Just a sec.
Go for Goldie.
Forget 'em. They can't grasp our powers.
You'll lose many important relationships along the way.
Like my girlfriend and best pal?
Just a sec.
You got Gold.
It's a small price to pay for always
getting what you're entitled to.
Didn't you guys graduate like three years ago?
Come on, Adam. Leave these phoneless drips, okay?
We're gonna go enjoy the spoils of your newfound powers.
Wow! I have a feeling these cellphones
are gonna change people for the better.
While Barry and Erica kept me on the path to being pushy,
my dad was ready to pull out
some of Geoff's signature moves.
So, Vic, what you got happenin'?
First, there was listening.
Do I have bok choy in my 'stache or something?
I'm just listening, like I always do.
We were chatting about father-daughter stuff.
Then he echoed.
Chattin' about father-daughter stuff.
That's what I just said.
Yeah, yeah, that's what you just said.
Why are you repeating everything I say?
Why am I repeating everything you say?
I don't know, and it's making me wildly uncomfortable.
When none of that worked, he gifted.
You know, when my kids went off to college,
someone gave me a Penn sweatshirt,
and I want to do the same for you.
What is this? MIKE Arizona State!
Nice! America's number-one party school.
But Asha's going to Dartmouth.
Swing and a miss.
Those two institutions are not alike.
And I'm the one who gave you the Penn sweatshirt.
Are you sure? Yeah, I<m sure!
Vic, I'm trying here.
Oh, you're trying?
What's my daughter's name?
Mmm-hmm. Exactly.
And where's she going to college?
Oh, come on! We just said it! You got this, Mur!
It starts with a "Z."
No school starts with "Z"!
This is why I don't tell you anything, Mur,
because you don't listen!
And what's worse,
you can't even pretend to care.
It was Dartmouth. It's a good school.
You know, Dr. Seuss went there.
Turns out communication was my dad's kryptonite
but my superpower had no weakness.
Except this. Oh, no.
An adult leaving their workplace with a box of personal effects?
Movies and TV have taught me that can only mean one thing.
Yeah, they canned me.
Hope you liked your "edible lasagna."
I did, but not like this. I'll fix this.
Poopy, what's wrong? You're all flustered and worked up.
Wait. Is this a prom-posal?
Are we going? Is this happening?
What? Never!
Your loss. You'll never see the dress
I picked out that matches your eyes.
Enough! They fired Helen.
Oh, that's a shame. That's it?
A full-grown lady lost her livelihood because of me.
Not because of you. She wasn't doing her job well.
It's terrible, but it happens.
You know, I used to think you were like Ralph Hinkley.
The guy that shot Reagan? No!
The Greatest American Hero!
Well, I've never seen it. You know what is a good show?
"Unsolved Mysteries" with Robert Stack.
You know what else is a mystery?
Why I thought behaving like you was okay.
Principal Ball had fired Helen because of me.
There was no way I could let that stand.
Mr. Goldberg. Are you finding everything to your liking today?
I'm not. It's about Helen.
I fired her. Was that not good enough?
I'd be very happy to do it again in front of more people
if it would please you.
Opposite. I'm humbly asking you to hire her back.
I was the one who was out of line.
Her only mistake was permanent crankiness.
That and the 17 unexplained absences this semester.
Really? I'm a heavy sleeper.
Well, no one's perfect.
Helen certainly isn't.
She also stole many food items from the cafeteria.
You can't prove I was the one who swiped
14 gallons of liquid cheese to throw a nacho party
for some sailors on leave.
What a long and oddly specific denial.
And there was the unauthorized use of our cafeteria
during Winter Break for a three-day "pajama-jammy-jam."
For God's sake, Helen!
I told you, I'm a heavy drinker.
You said "sleeper"!
It's all connected.
Petty criminal or not, Helen's a fixture here.
She used to slip me extra pizza
when I got anxious in kindergarten.
Sure, they were lousy corner pieces, but once in a while,
a pepperoni would find its way on top.
So, if you could, just please give her
whatever number chance this would be.
That was a very impassioned defense of her character,
despite all the evidence to the contrary.
I try to see the good in people.
As head of a Quaker school,
I guess that's something we should all strive for.
Helen, welcome back.
We did it! Not so fast.
I'd like a raise. No!
Whatever. I'll get mine.
Still kind of a win.
With that, I learned to use my powers for good.
But I wasn't the only one trying to right a wrong.
I, uh, just want to say that, uh,
I'm sorry for not being there for you and what not.
It's okay, Murray. It is what it is.
Again, my dad came up short.
But then, instead of following everyone else's advice,
he followed his heart.
Naps.
Naps? What are you talking about?
When Barry and Erica went off to college,
I missed them terribly.
I didn't know that, Murray. Yeah.
And whenever I felt really bad,
I'd go take a nap in one of their rooms. Really?
I don't know if it was picturing them or the memories,
but when I woke up, felt great.
Wow.
I'm gonna try that.
Works every time.
Well, thanks, Murray. That means a lot.
Look, I know I'm not good with feelings or saying stuff,
but, uh, I want you to know you mean a lot to me.
Oh, Murray, you, you big, beautiful man, you.
Get on in here.
No, no. Don't do that.
Oh... That's not what I... Oh.
Hey. Hey to you.
Look, I never should have said those things.
It's okay. I know who I am.
But, more importantly, I know who you are.
A sweet, kind-hearted kid
who always sees the best in people.
You're not upset that I don't want to stand up for myself
like you do?
Adam, I was wrong.
You being polite and accommodating is not a weakness.
It's your greatest strength.
Caring, compassion, kindness,
those are your superpowers.
I wouldn't go that far.
I saw what you did for Helen. That was pretty heroic.
Thanks. But it was probably a mistake.
She's not great.
Well, maybe not. But you are.
** Believe it or not I'm walking on air
That day, I learned that maybe the best way
to stand up for yourself is by just being yourself.
** Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer
'Cause the truth is, listening, opening up,
and doing the right thing,
those are the superpowers we all have.
** Believe it or not it's just me
The trick is having the courage
to know when to use them.
In the end, the greatest heroes
are the ones who will be there for you no matter what.
I hope he's not using your prom tape!
Oh, he is. Are you using my side?
Where's the tape of his prom? It's in the den.
I want it in the camera. Come on. Boom.
Mike, stop!
Would you... Please?
Scenario! Spokes Driscoll has ventured
into the lucrative world of professional trampolining.
I'm not doing this.
It combines the acrobatics of men's gymnastics
with the whimsy of jumping on a bed.
Just get on with it.
You want to buy the Spring-atron 5000 from me
at the price of the much crappier Spring-atron 4000.
Go!
May I please... Never.
Now try to get me to honor
a competitor's coupon
for 99% off.
It doesn't seem likely, but...
Never! Now ask to see the manager.
Are you the... Never!
You know what? Keep the trampoline. I'm leaving.
We value your business.
Aha!