1
00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:02,334
(WHIRS)
2
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:03,635
(ENGINES REVVING)
3
00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:06,772
ADULT ADAM:
Growing up in the '80s,
I didn't just love movies...
4
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:09,675
I lived them.
(ENGINES CONTINUE REVVING)
5
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,877
Maybe a little too much.
6
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,179
(IMITATES ENGINE REVVING)
7
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:14,980
Hey, little buddy.
8
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:17,282
Hey, Barry. You want
to be in my movie?
9
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:18,050
I'd love nothing more.
10
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,518
Okay, so I'm inside
the game grid,
11
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,254
and I have
these identity discs,
and you're gonna...
12
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,822
(WHOOSHES)
13
00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,425
That's a wrap, nerd.
14
00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:28,961
I had no kids on my street
to play with,
15
00:00:28,963 --> 00:00:32,931
and my older siblings
weren't exactly interested
16
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,633
in my hobbies.
17
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:35,901
Yo.
18
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:36,969
Yo.
19
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:37,903
Whatcha up to?
20
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,571
Nothin'.
Oh.
21
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,040
'Cause it looks like
you were filming yourself
22
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:43,675
on a "Tron" light cycle
escaping the game grid.
23
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:45,177
You've seen "Tron."
24
00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:45,811
Sixteen times.
25
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:48,180
My mom's actually
kinda worried.
26
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:49,581
Hi, I'm Adam.
27
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:50,182
I'm Chad Kremp.
28
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,217
We just moved in
across the street.
29
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,286
You wanna check out
my light cycle?
30
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:54,753
Sure. Yeah.
31
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,456
And just like that,
I had a new neighbor
and best friend.
32
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:58,857
Even though we had
so much in common,
33
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,994
our families couldn't
have been more different.
34
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:02,528
(DOORBELL RINGS)
35
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,830
The Kremps
were soft-spoken...
36
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,799
Hi. Can Chad play?
37
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,867
Chad, honey,
your friend is here.
38
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:11,670
And the Goldbergs
liked to yell.
39
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,305
Hi. Can Adam play?
40
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:16,308
Adam! Get your ass
down here!
41
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:19,244
The Kremps owned
a fancy flower shop...
42
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:19,845
Here, Adam.
43
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,680
Why don't you
take these home
to your mother?
44
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:22,281
Why?
45
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:25,017
The Goldbergs owned
a discount furniture store.
46
00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:27,953
Hey...
Get off the furniture!
47
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:28,620
I gotta sell this crap.
48
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:32,858
This was a typical
Saturday afternoon
at the Kremps'...
49
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:33,292
Whoa!
50
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,827
Put a little pepper
on that one,
didn't you, son?
51
00:01:34,829 --> 00:01:35,961
DREW: I learned
from the best.
(CHUCKLES)
52
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,296
Hey, lemonade
for my home team.
Ohh!
53
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:40,866
While a Saturday afternoon
at the Goldbergs'
looked more like this...
54
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,067
BEVERLY: What the hell?
Barry Goldberg,
55
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:45,003
you get your butt
out of that tree
right now!
56
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:47,139
What kind of moron
gets stuck in a tree?
57
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:49,775
Adam said I couldn't
climb this high.
58
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:50,542
I showed him!
59
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:51,777
(CHUCKLES) You sure did.
60
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,412
If you don't come down
right now,
61
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:54,947
I am gonna go
get the hose!
62
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,181
BEVERLY: You're not gonna
spray our son.
63
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,550
Stop!
BEVERLY: Erica, I would
like to not have to...
64
00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,485
(CLAMORING)
65
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,954
MURRAY: The hose
is the way to go.
66
00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:03,555
I'll try and catch him...
67
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,524
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Hey, neighbors!
68
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:05,858
Hi!
69
00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:08,627
We have got to get that
barbecue on the books,
don't we?
70
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,662
Definitely.
That'd be great.
71
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,364
He's a moron!
He is!
72
00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:16,301
Hi!
And that's what you'd call
"a Goldberg first impression."
73
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,736
♪ I'm twisted up inside
74
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:21,840
♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪
75
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,144
♪ I don't know the future
76
00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:29,181
♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
77
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:32,484
Long before cell phones,
you only had one phone line...
Get off the phone.
78
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,386
Get off the phone.
And it was the source
of all problems.
79
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:36,655
Get off the phone.
Get off the phone.
Hold on, Lainey.
80
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,990
Get off the phone.
I'm talking!
81
00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:41,226
Go away,
or I'll punch you in
the soft part of your skull.
82
00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,628
Mom told you not
to punch me there.
83
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:45,197
Now give me the phone.
I got an important call
to make.
84
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:47,432
Really?
What's so important?
85
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:49,635
I gotta call Roger.
He borrowed
my hockey stick,
86
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,436
and I found
a hornet's nest out back.
87
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:54,773
Your life is so sad
and simple. Go.
88
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:55,474
No. Get off the phone.
89
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,843
Get off the phone.
Get off the phone...
Hey, you know...
90
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,912
When I was your age,
I was a radio man
91
00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:03,148
with the 103rd,
working with the French
and the British.
92
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:08,220
We shared one line,
and we still managed
to win the war.
93
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,255
Can you please stop
with these stories?
94
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:11,823
This is a real life
situation here.
95
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,459
Dad, we gotta get
a second phone line.
96
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:15,327
Two phone lines?
97
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,529
What does this look like...
The white house?
98
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,798
A second line...
Is that even possible
99
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,035
with all those wires
crossing in and out?
100
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:23,802
Can they even do that?
101
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,872
While Pops
couldn't understand
how the phone worked,
102
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,308
my mom couldn't understand
why the Kremps
103
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:32,110
kept ducking her barbecue
invitation.
104
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:33,378
This is getting ridiculous.
105
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,714
I have been nothing
but nice to the Kremps...
106
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,816
And they're clearly
blowing us off.
107
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:41,053
I mean, why would
they want to avoid us?
108
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,388
(BLOWS AIR)
109
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,558
What did you do?
110
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,059
What?
111
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:50,329
You heard me.
What...did you do?
112
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,331
I haven't said a word
to those people.
113
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,932
Well, that's the problem
right there.
114
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:55,567
You're not friendly,
you don't say "hi,"
115
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,502
you water the yard
in your underpants.
116
00:03:57,504 --> 00:03:58,170
It's disconcerting.
117
00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,672
It's like you're trying
to drive people away.
118
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,708
That's because
I am trying to
drive people away.
119
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:05,210
Well, that is why
you have no friends, Murray.
120
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:06,578
I live in a house
full of people
121
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,714
who won't leave me
the hell alone.
122
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,015
That's all the friends
I need.
123
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:13,252
Well, you may not
want friends, but I do.
124
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:14,486
Go over there and apologize
125
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,622
for being a pantsless
grumpy pants.
126
00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:19,725
(SPOON CLINKS)
I should apologize
for being me?
127
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,760
Yes!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
128
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:27,032
Hi. I'm, uh, Murray Goldberg
from across the street.
129
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:30,602
Just thought
I'd come over and
formally introduce myself.
130
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,138
Charles Kremp.
Pleasure to meet you.
Come on in.
131
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,806
Oh, okay. Thank you.
132
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:37,342
This place smells great!
133
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,111
It's the gardenias.
134
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,780
It's a perk of the job.
I'm a florist.
135
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:42,748
Oh, how about that?
That's right.
136
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:47,653
We have a flower spray
that we keep in
the bathroom.
137
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:49,388
It tries.
138
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,089
But the point is,
139
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,692
I am here to invite you
to a barbecue.
140
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:56,361
Yes, that...
That situation.
141
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:59,698
So... It is
a situation, huh?
142
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,300
From now on,
143
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:04,002
I will try and, uh,
144
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,238
wear pants
when I go outside.
145
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:06,972
Try.
146
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:10,876
To be honest, um,
my... my wife Virginia,
147
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:16,915
she can be
a little sensitive,
and, uh... (CHUCKLES)
148
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:20,085
How to put this...
Your wife scares her.
149
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,354
What?
Mmm.
150
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:25,691
That day, my father finally
got to do something
151
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:29,494
he had been waiting
for since the day
he got married.. .
152
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,762
Be right!
153
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,064
(SINGSONG) It's you!
154
00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:33,532
What?
You heard me.
155
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:37,569
It's not me
that's the problem.
It's you!
156
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:38,670
What did I do?
157
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,073
Oh. You scare the woman.
158
00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:41,673
Scare her but good.
159
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:45,377
That is ridiculous.
I have never been
anything but cordial to her.
160
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,111
How can she not like me?
161
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:50,782
You yell.
Uh, you yell inside,
you yell outside.
162
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,318
And apparently,
you climbed up on
163
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,253
a garbage truck to yell
at the garbage man.
164
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,255
And he drove halfway
down the block
165
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,757
with you hanging off
the back.
166
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:03,328
And then he drove back
and picked up our old sink.
167
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:03,962
You're welcome.
168
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,832
Explain it any way
you want to, Bevy.
169
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,801
That woman no likey you.
170
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:12,504
But the idea of someone
not liking my mom
171
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:13,305
was not gonna fly.
172
00:06:13,307 --> 00:06:17,609
Beverly Goldberg
prided herself on
being loved by all.
173
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,746
And she couldn't have it
any other way.
174
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:24,049
Whoo-hoo! Virginia!
175
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:28,453
She turned power walking
into power stalking.
176
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:33,325
Hey! (CHUCKLES)
Whoo! (CHUCKLES)
I didn't see you there.
177
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:36,495
Oh. I didn't know
you power walked.
178
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,396
What a coincidence.
179
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:40,499
I do it every day.
(CHUCKLES)
She didn't.
180
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:43,168
Well, I should...
Keep moving.
181
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,603
I just hit my peak
burn period. So...
182
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:45,804
Oh, good stuff,
good stuff.
183
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:48,807
Listen, I feel
like we got off
on the wrong foot,
184
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,742
and I know we're gonna
be great friends.
185
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:54,146
So, please come over
for a barbecue.
186
00:06:54,148 --> 00:06:56,882
(CHUCKLES)
Sure. Sure.
I'll let you know.
187
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:59,050
Now? Okay, uh,
how about Saturday?
188
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,519
I think it's supposed
to rain on Saturday.
189
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,254
Great, Saturday it is.
Mark it down.
190
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:03,255
You don't have
to bring anything
191
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:07,192
except an open mind
and four sides.
(CHUCKLES)
192
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:09,761
No. Just one side,
if you want.
193
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,129
OKAY. (CHUCKLES)
194
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,632
I'm gonna keep moving.
Okay, I'll lead.
195
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,567
(STRAINED VOICE)
Oh! Aah!
Cramp, cramp, cramp.
196
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:18,570
Okay, Saturday it is.
Prepare to make
some memories.
197
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,438
(CHUCKLES) Ohh!
198
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:23,275
While my mom was trying
to make a connection
with Mrs. Kremp...
199
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:23,842
(LINE RINGING)
200
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,510
My brother was hoping
to make a connection
of his own.
201
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,479
WOMAN: (SEDUCTIVE VOICE)
Hey, there, big boy.
202
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:30,682
You've reached
9-7-6-fox.
203
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:32,451
I'm glad you called.
204
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:35,320
To speak with a hot girl
in a car... press one.
205
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:39,291
To speak with a nasty girl
on a plane... press two.
206
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,493
What the... Hello?
207
00:07:41,594 --> 00:07:43,995
Hang up. Hang up!
208
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:44,663
Hang up!
209
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:48,266
Seriously, you're calling
9-7-6 numbers?
210
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,836
That's a personal call
with a friend!
211
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:51,336
Gimme that.
212
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:54,272
WOMAN:
You've selected
erotic boat ride.
213
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,574
(CHUCKLES) Oh, man.
214
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,275
You are so busted.
215
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,110
Don't tell dad, please?
216
00:07:59,112 --> 00:07:59,845
I'll do anything.
217
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:03,081
I'll give you one week
of uninterrupted
phone time.
218
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,450
Hmm, that's hard to pass up.
219
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:09,254
Dad! Barry's calling
9-7-6 numbers!
220
00:08:10,356 --> 00:08:10,856
What?
221
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:13,492
Those calls are like
$5.99 a minute.
222
00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:14,626
The first two minutes
are free,
223
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,661
and I never go beyond
the second minute.
224
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,464
I use the timer
from boggle.
It's legit.
225
00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:21,633
Oh, you want legit?
226
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:23,368
No phone for a month!
227
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:24,236
What?
228
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:24,836
This is your fault!
229
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,606
How is it my fault that
you want to get frisky
in a rowboat?
230
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:28,373
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
231
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,509
That wasn't the selection
I was gonna make.
(DOOR CLOSES)
232
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,143
MURRAY: Okay,
now you're in trouble.
233
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:35,113
Your son has been
calling smut numbers.
234
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:35,814
I don't care.
235
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:38,250
I have something
very important
to tell you.
236
00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:41,253
The Kremps
are coming over
for a barbecue.
237
00:08:41,255 --> 00:08:43,421
Yes! That is big!
238
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:46,091
Now let's focus on this
and not my thing.
239
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:48,360
Tell us more about this
important barbecue.
240
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,929
Wait, are we talking
about all the Kremps here,
241
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:51,763
like, the boys, too...
242
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,698
The one that's Adam's age,
and the one that's my age
243
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,634
with sandy brown hair
and blue eyes?
244
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,336
You still want
to have a barbecue
with these people,
245
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,805
even though that woman's
terrified of you?
246
00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:01,673
Not anymore.
247
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:03,141
I woke up early
this morning,
248
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:04,943
followed her
for two miles on foot,
249
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:07,178
then chased her down
and convinced her
250
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,180
there's nothing
scary about me.
251
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:12,617
Come on. I had nothing
planned this weekend.
252
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:13,218
It was perfect.
253
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,087
Well, now you do.
And you will be
warm and inviting,
254
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:20,659
and so help me God,
you better not fall asleep
in front of these people.
255
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:24,095
Okay! Let's get cookin'!
256
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,464
Off. Take it off.
257
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:28,099
It's an icebreaker...
258
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,267
Sometimes more.
259
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,169
Dad, these are good people.
260
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,804
We need to be on
our best behavior.
261
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,439
That means
no dirty jokes,
262
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,441
no limericks,
no lewd comments.
263
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,910
This party sounds like
a real drag.
264
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,512
As for the rest of you,
265
00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:41,613
no yelling,
266
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:42,447
no cursing,
267
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:43,915
no fighting.
268
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:44,616
Mark my words.
269
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:49,888
This will be the best
backyard barbecue
in the history...
270
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,523
...of backyard barbecues.
271
00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:52,958
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
272
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:53,592
ADULT ADAM: Or not.
273
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:57,295
It was gonna be
a very stormy weekend
with the Kremps.
274
00:09:57,297 --> 00:10:00,532
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Even though it rained
during the big barbecue,
275
00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:01,499
it didn't stop
me and Chad
276
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:04,402
from reciting
"Empire strikes back"
by heart.
277
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:07,272
BOTH:(ROBOTICALLY)
No, no, that's not true.
278
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,607
That's impossible.
279
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:12,644
It also didn't stop
my sister from warming up
to Drew Kremp,
280
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:13,812
or my dad
from falling asleep,
281
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:17,849
or my mom
from trying to get
Virginia to warm up to her.
282
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,517
I brought you some wine.
283
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:20,085
What?
284
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,720
(LOWERED VOICE)
I brought you some wine.
285
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:22,520
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
286
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:25,590
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so naturally
soft-spoken.
287
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:26,791
I brought you some wine.
288
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,027
Okay, who needs dogs?
289
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,830
Mmm. Wow.
Thank you so much.
290
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,933
Look... Oh, you warmed
my buns.
291
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:35,333
Yes.
292
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,501
I don't know
if I can handle
all this meat.
293
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:39,337
(UNDER BREATH) Is she
kidding me with this?
(UNDER BREATH) Just go.
294
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,207
ADULT ADAM:
No one was really
enjoying themselves...
295
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:45,310
Except for Barry.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
296
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:47,712
Hello, sister.
297
00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:49,581
Perfect day for
a barbecue, isn't it?
298
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:52,384
No, weirdo.
It's pouring outside.
299
00:10:52,386 --> 00:10:53,018
Oh, I'm sorry.
300
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,453
I meant,
it's a perfect day
for revenge.
301
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:56,287
(BUTTON CLICKS)
302
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,822
ERICA: (ON TAPE)
Drew Kremp is so delicious.
303
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:01,026
I want to dunk him
in a glass of milk
and eat him up.
304
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,761
(RECORDING STOPS)
What the hell?
305
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,195
You recorded
my private phone call?
306
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:07,499
Funny... How I just
happened to pick up
when you were on the phone.
307
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:10,001
Should I play the rest
for the guests
we're entertaining?
308
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,236
(LOWERED VOICE)
Okay, you win.
309
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,570
You can use the phone
whenever you want, okay?
310
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:14,372
Just please don't play it,
I'm begging you.
311
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,509
Kind of like
how I begged you
not to tell dad, huh?
312
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:19,911
Perchance, can you remind me
how that turned out?
313
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,747
Will you stop
talking like that and
just give me the damn tape?
314
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:23,715
No.
Just give it...
315
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:24,883
Not giving it to you.
Stop it!
316
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,551
(STRAINED VOICE)
You're embarrassing yourself.
317
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,752
Give it...
Stop!
318
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,054
Oh, my God! Stop!
(TAPE RECORDER THUDS)
319
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,690
ERICA: ( ON TAPE)
I mean, doesn't
Erica Kremp sound perfect?
320
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:32,957
When we get married,
we're gonna ski
321
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:36,861
and speak French
all day and have
super blonde kids.
322
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:38,096
Whoa.
323
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,064
Oh, dear.
324
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,566
That.was not the plan.
325
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:42,634
What was the plan?
326
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:45,437
(SHOUTING)
What was the plan?
Aah!
327
00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:46,438
Kids, enough!
BARRY: Ow! Ow!
328
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,339
This is so out of
character for them.
ERICA: Stop moving.
329
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,574
ERICA: Let me punch you!
BARRY: Get off me!
330
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,343
Kids, I told you
not to punch each other
in the privates.
331
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,212
No phone for
either of you.
Ow, ow, ow!
332
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,182
ERICA: Stop moving!
(BARRY GRUNTING)
333
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,049
ERICA: Eat it!
334
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,285
Murray, wake
the (BLEEP) up!
335
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,253
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
336
00:12:02,955 --> 00:12:03,488
(GASPS)
337
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,989
Well, you know, it's...
It's getting late.
338
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:06,257
We should probably
head out.
339
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,026
Okay. Bye-bye now.
Good times.
340
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,495
ADULT ADAM:
A week went by,
and I hadn't seen Chad.
341
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:14,199
Thankfully, Pops was always
there when I needed him.
342
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,367
Okay, and we're rolling.
343
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:17,836
Action!
344
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:20,472
What's my first line?
345
00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:21,840
Oh, come on, seriously?
346
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:22,774
You got fruit punch
on your suit?
347
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:26,978
Oh, it's okay. I...
I've given the character
a lot of thought.
348
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,414
This robot loves
fruit punch.
349
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,448
He's a messy robot.
350
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,117
I told you,
you're not a robot.
351
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,520
You're a program
living inside a digital
computer world.
352
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:39,991
Or... Instead of him going
to a computer world,
353
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:42,026
how about he goes
to a juice world?
354
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:44,596
(ANGRILY)
There's no such thing
as a juice world!
355
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,297
But computer worlds
are real?
356
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:47,031
(SIGHS) Just go.
357
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,234
I don't know
why a robot
can't like juice.
358
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,035
Where's Chad today?
359
00:12:51,037 --> 00:12:55,073
Uh, I... I don't think
he's available.
360
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:55,740
What do you mean?
361
00:12:55,742 --> 00:13:00,078
His mom just said
we can't play together
for a while.
362
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,045
What?
363
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:01,913
The nerve of that woman.
364
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,047
I'm marching over there
right now
365
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:04,449
and giving her
a piece of my mind.
366
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:08,019
No! Wait! your mind
is the part that
scares her the most.
367
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,255
Promise me you won't
go over there.
368
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:13,124
Please. You'll just
make it worse.
369
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,826
All right, lovebug.
370
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,060
I won't go over there,
I promise.
371
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:19,197
ADULT ADAM:
My mom was a woman
of her word.
372
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,099
She didn't march
over there.
373
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:22,433
Instead, she called.
(LINE RINGING)
374
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:25,637
VIRGINIA: (OVER VOICEMAIL)
Hello. You've reached
the Kremps.
375
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:29,174
Please leave a message
and have a wonderful day.
376
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:29,607
(BEEPING)
377
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,911
Virginia, it's
Beverly Goldberg.
Pick up.
378
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:35,513
Oh, please, I see you
lurking behind the curtain
379
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,382
like a weirdo
in your own home.
380
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:38,483
Would you pick up
the phone already?
381
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,051
(RECEIVER CLATTERS)
So sorry, I was just
in the shower.
382
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:43,087
Cut the crap and tell me
why Adam can't play
with Chad.
383
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:48,159
I'm sorry.
Look, I just hink that
we have different styles...
384
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,361
Different ways of speaking
385
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,129
in front of our children,
386
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:57,569
and just generally
different ways of
being in the world.
387
00:13:57,571 --> 00:13:58,336
Fine.
388
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,438
If Chad can't play
with Adam,
389
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,473
Adam can't play with Chad.
390
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,442
And I could give a hoot
whether or not you like me
391
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:09,214
because I have buttloads
of friends, okay?
392
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,515
Buttloads.
393
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,117
(SLAMS DOWN RECEIVER)
(GASPS)
394
00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:17,322
I... kept my promise.
395
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:19,591
I didn't go over there.
396
00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:21,459
(RAPID FOOTSTEPS DEPART)
ADULT ADAM:
And just like that,
397
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:24,596
my mom had hung up
on my friendship
with Chad.
398
00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:27,632
But we weren't
the only ones getting
our lines crossed.
399
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,635
My brother and sister's
battle over the phone
400
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,503
had stretched on
another day.
401
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:35,373
But what Barry would soon
realize was the fight
402
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,710
was about to be
taken outside.
403
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:41,713
I'm serious, Lainey.
Drew Kremp
heard everything.
404
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:45,884
I'm thinking of
quitting school
and skipping town.
405
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:47,285
Busted! You are so busted,
406
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:49,554
and I'm telling,
and Barry wins.
407
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,522
Mom and dad said
we couldn't use the phone
408
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:52,156
in the house.
409
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:55,093
Technically...
I'm outside the house.
410
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,127
That's very intelligent.
411
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,929
Give it to me!
I gotta make a call!
412
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,330
No way!
It was my idea!
413
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,732
Just give it to me!
Stop!
414
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,101
Lainey, hold on!
415
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:04,302
(BELL DINGS)
416
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,105
(STRAINED VOICE)
Give it...to me.
417
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,973
(WHOOSHES)
418
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:11,109
(GRUNTS)
419
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:13,244
You broke it!
420
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,513
Maybe you should call
9-7-6-new-phone.
421
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,382
Maybe you should call...
422
00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:18,683
Shut up!
423
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:19,951
(GASPS)
424
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,786
Are you kidding me?
425
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,454
I stand by what I did.
426
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:24,923
God!
427
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,324
Why are we like this?
428
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,159
'Cause we're a family.
429
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:28,927
That's what a family does.
430
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:32,463
All we ever do is fight,
and it's exhausting.
431
00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:33,865
Wait.
432
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:37,001
You're not gonna
throw mud back in my face?
433
00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:39,137
What do I do?
434
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:42,040
Tell me, what do I do?
435
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:47,478
ADULT ADAM:
For the next week,
my mom and Virginia Kremp
436
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,246
avoided each other.
437
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:52,717
But in a small town,
you can only avoid
someone for so long.
438
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:57,288
I knew something
was wrong because when
I bit into the eclair,
439
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,923
it tasted like sour cream
and pickles.
440
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:02,126
If they went bad,
they went bad
on your watch.
441
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,328
I can see
why you would think that.
442
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:07,131
And normally I would never...
Ever, ever make a fuss.
443
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,968
But I did purchase these
less than 24 hours ago,
444
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,536
and I still have the receipt.
445
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,204
I'm not takin' these back!
446
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:13,805
Are you kidding me?
447
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:16,841
ADULT ADAM:
My mom may have been able
to give up on Virginia,
448
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:20,078
but she couldn't give up
on who she was.
449
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:20,712
Mrs. Goldberg,
450
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:22,213
I... I didn't know
you two knew each other.
451
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:23,581
Damn right we do.
We're neighbors.
452
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:27,251
Now... Go back
and get her
some fresh eclairs.
453
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:28,720
Or would you
like a repeat...
454
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:32,090
(LOUDLY)
...of the birthday
cake fiasco?
455
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,759
Who writes
"Sorry for your loss"
456
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,127
on a 10-year-old's
birthday cake?
457
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:39,163
It was a mistake,
and Victor was let go.
Yeah.
458
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,833
Well, that was a dark day
for this store.
459
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,535
But it could get
a lot darker.
460
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:45,603
I'll take care of it.
461
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:48,673
Sorry, ma'am.
I'll fix you right up.
462
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,609
(SIGHS)
463
00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:54,879
I know I just made
a big, loud scene.
464
00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:58,683
It's just what I do.
465
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,389
Knock, knock. Honey?
466
00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:05,623
Are you in there?
467
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,559
ADAM: Go away.
I don't wanna talk to you.
468
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:13,031
You're right.
I should give you
some space.
469
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:18,369
At least close the door,
and don't turn on
the lights.
470
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,638
Darkness is my only friend.
471
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:25,143
(DOOR CLOSING)
472
00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:27,111
BEVERLY:
Adam, I am so sorry.
473
00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:29,347
ADAM: You should be sorry!
Look at me!
474
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,682
I'm in a glow-in-the-dark
unitard!
475
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,852
(SIGHS) And Chad
was the only friend
that got me...
476
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,187
Who got this!
477
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,189
And you just had to
ruin it...
478
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:42,827
Just because one person
in this world
didn't like you.
479
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:44,896
(SWITCH CLICKS)
480
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:48,933
Sweetie, you're the one
that matters.
481
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:50,435
I'd rather have nobody
like me
482
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,938
than have you be
mad at me forever.
483
00:17:57,042 --> 00:18:00,678
Not forever, just for
about a month and a half.
484
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,413
Well...
485
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,882
Let's see if I can
shorten that up
just a bit.
486
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:07,585
(STARSHIP'S NOTHING'S GONNA
STOP US NOW PLAYING)
487
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,087
Yo.
488
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:11,422
Yo.
489
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,091
Whatcha doin'?
490
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,258
Nothing.
491
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,760
Want to finish our movie?
492
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:16,561
Yeah. Do you?
493
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,996
(CHUCKLES) Hell, yeah.
Chad, "h" word.
494
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,565
Sorry.
495
00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:25,369
Cool.
496
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:29,207
What the hell's
the "h" word?
497
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,410
So I was thinking
tomorrow we could
go for a power walk.
498
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:36,114
And then you could
come over and we could
split an eclair.
499
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,149
Or I could come over
right now,
500
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,151
and we could each have
our own eclair.
501
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:42,553
Mmm, Beverly Goldberg,
you are bad.
(CHUCKLES)
502
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,790
I am bad.
I am the worst.
(LAUGHS)
503
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,992
Let's do it.
(WHISPERS) Let's do it.
504
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:48,426
Okay.
505
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,361
ADULT ADAM:
And just like that,
the one person out there
506
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,663
who didn't like my mom
became her best friend.
507
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:57,135
Even my dad,
who prided himself
on having no friends,
508
00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:01,038
started to come around
to the idea.
509
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,341
(KEYS JANGLE)
Yo.
510
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,542
Yo.
511
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:05,643
Whatcha doin'?
512
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,912
Uh, nothin'.
Hey, uh...
513
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:10,581
I don't know if you're
interested, but, um...
514
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,050
I got Eagles
season tickets...
515
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,853
50 yard line.
(CHUCKLES)
516
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:16,487
You around Sunday?
517
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,690
♪ And we can build
this thing together ♪
518
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,025
Yeah!
519
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,360
ADULT ADAM:
Watching the Kremp kids
get along
520
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:26,430
inspired Barry and Erica
to try something
new and crazy.. .
521
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,399
Look out for each other.
522
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:29,100
BARRY: Hey, Chad.
523
00:19:29,102 --> 00:19:32,036
You want to bet
I can't climb the tree
in your yard?
524
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,337
Yeah!
525
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,406
♪ Nothing's gonna stop us
526
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:38,476
♪ Nothing's gonna stop us
527
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:39,710
♪ Now. Whoa, oh
528
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,546
ADULT ADAM:
we learned a lot
from each other.
529
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:42,513
We taught them
it was okay
530
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,382
to raise your voice
now and then.
531
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:45,783
I asked for paper-thin.
532
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:46,784
You gave me slices...
533
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:49,954
Thick as my thumb...
Not acceptable.
534
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,356
♪ I will stay here
with you ♪
535
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:55,059
ADULT ADAM:
While they learned how to be
more like the Goldbergs,
536
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:58,429
we learned to be
a little more
like the Kremps.
537
00:19:58,431 --> 00:19:59,764
Erica, telephone.
538
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:02,333
ERICA: What?
Push the button, mom.
539
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,901
Uh... It's not hard.
Erica...
540
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:06,604
How many times
do I have to show you
how this works.
541
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,139
How does this
stupid thing work?
542
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:09,740
Erica, telephone...
Talk into the box!
543
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,409
(SHOUTING)
Erica! Telephone!
Hello?
544
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,911
Pick up the damn phone!
What's the matter
with you? Mom?
545
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,714
ADULT ADAM:
Yep, we were different
than the Kremps...
546
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,816
Not better, not worse.. .
547
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,151
Just... Different.
548
00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:21,619
Told you I could
do it again.
549
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:22,620
You're so stupid
for doubting me.
550
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:27,959
ADULT ADAM: (SIGHS)
Oh, though Barry
didn't help our case.
551
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,762
Okay, folks.
Today we're re-enacting
552
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:33,698
some "Empire strikes back."
553
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:34,532
Are you ready?
554
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,000
Dude, are you sure
about this?
555
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,970
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, I'm sure.
Keep it rolling.
556
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:41,305
(CLATTERING)
557
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:46,043
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
558
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:48,813
What's goin' on?
559
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:49,480
(LAUGHS)
560
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:52,350
Oh, why do you always
do this crap?
561
00:20:52,851 --> 00:20:53,618
I'm your father!
562
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,621
(VOICE BREAKING)
No, that's not true.
563
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:57,355
That's impossible!
564
00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:59,590
What do you mean
"impossible"?
(MASK CLATTERS)
565
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,993
Get the hell outta here!
Run!
566
00:21:01,995 --> 00:21:03,794
(BOTH LAUGHING)