1
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:03,402
Adult adam: Hockey...
2
00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:05,504
A time-honored tradition
for the goldberg gang.
3
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,905
My dad raised us
watching the flyers
4
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:11,744
And dreamed of us being
as cool and tough as
the broad street bullies.
5
00:00:11,746 --> 00:00:13,879
Of course, what I lacked
in size and strength,
6
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,982
I made up for with
clumsiness and asthma.
7
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,650
My costume is
so uncomfortable.
8
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:21,687
It's a jersey,
not a costume.
9
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:22,254
Geez.
10
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,822
It didn't matter
that I was a total scrub.
11
00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,158
My dad thought
I could be great someday,
12
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,527
And I didn't want
to let him down.
13
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,696
You ready?
Hell yeah.
14
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:34,299
I'm ready to
hockey it up.
15
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,935
There he is,
my little ice angel.
16
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:40,873
Remember our rule...
The real winner is safety.
17
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:43,509
It's the big
leagues, bevy!
18
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:44,910
He's in junior
peewee now.
19
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,212
This is the year
that adam scores
his first goal.
20
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,416
Murray, I don't
understand why you
insist he plays.
21
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,418
Adam, be careful on that ice.
22
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,318
It's very slippery.
23
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,587
Why don't you just skate
around with him all game
24
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:56,388
And make sure
he stays safe?
25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,490
I know you're joking,
but I would do that
26
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,793
If the situation
presented itself.
27
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:04,229
Hockey wasn't my thing,
but it was barry's everything.
28
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,798
Whoo! What a hit!
29
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,699
I don't think
he's getting up.
30
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:10,135
I told you, flyers
got to hit to win.
31
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:11,570
(grating voice)
I'm freddy krueger!
32
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,505
I'm gonna haunt
your dreams, fool!
33
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,107
What's he doing?
Just ignore him.
34
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,341
(growls)
ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.
35
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,609
He'll wear himself out.
36
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:18,944
(growls)
ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.
37
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,546
That's enough.
That's enough.
38
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,314
Let me watch the game.
Stop.
39
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:23,282
Just watch
the game, adam.
40
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:26,518
My dad took hockey
very seriously,
41
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,020
And my brother,
barry, did, too.
42
00:01:28,022 --> 00:01:30,622
Out of all the things he
thought he was good at,
43
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,024
This one he actually was.
44
00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,126
(buzzer sounds)
barry: Goal!
45
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,829
And my dad loved
going to his games.
46
00:01:36,831 --> 00:01:38,630
Look at you!
Look at you!
47
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:42,734
But when it came to
my games, not so much.
48
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,069
Go, adam!
49
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,270
(cheering)
50
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:47,206
Even so, my dad
dragged his ass
51
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,141
To those stands
to cheer me on.
52
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,142
No, no!
The other way!
53
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,678
But he never stopped
believing that one day
54
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,079
I would score
that first goal
55
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,548
And live up to
the goldberg potential.
56
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:57,316
Do something!
57
00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:59,451
Then, it finally happened.
58
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,185
My moment...
59
00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:04,790
My big shot to
make my dad proud.
60
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,826
(suspenseful music playing)
61
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:11,930
(buzzer sounds)
62
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,165
Or so I thought.
63
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,534
Yes! I finally scored!
64
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:16,869
Yeah.
65
00:02:16,871 --> 00:02:19,805
Damn it, goldberg.
You scored on our goal.
66
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,573
(crowd jeering)
67
00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,743
I call a do-over!
68
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,546
That's a thing
in sports, right?
69
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:31,350
♪ I'm twisted up inside
70
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:36,255
♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
71
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:38,690
♪ I don't know the future
72
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:41,460
♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
73
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:44,730
Adult adam:
It was February 25,
1980-something.
74
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,231
My sister was prepping
for the sats,
75
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:49,168
And my mom was gonna be
there every step of the way
76
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,670
With words of support
and encouragement.
77
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,906
Okay, I don't want to make
a big deal about this,
78
00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:54,573
But your entire life
79
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,542
Is literally riding
on this one test.
80
00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,844
You've made
that very clear.
81
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,312
Now stop hovering.
82
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:03,815
Sorry. I'll just be
quietly over here.
83
00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:08,353
(clangs)
aah! What the hell?
84
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,390
This test is all about
how you handle distraction.
85
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,758
Focus your mind.
86
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,226
Shut out the world.
87
00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:14,793
Mom.
88
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,495
I don't think
there are going to be
89
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,330
Any explosions
at the test center.
90
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,231
You don't know that.
91
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,099
It could be underneath
a discotheque,
92
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:22,668
Or next to
a fireworks factory,
93
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,736
Or in a bad part
of south philly,
94
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,573
Like where your gym
teacher got arrested.
95
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:28,507
You're not helping.
96
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:31,043
And time!
Pencils down.
97
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,845
Okay, you didn't even answer
the last 10 questions.
98
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:37,316
What's wrong with you?
You're what's
wrong with me!
99
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,150
You know what?
100
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:39,718
That's fine.
I'm done for the night.
101
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,753
The night has
just begun, missy.
102
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:42,754
Tuchus down, now.
103
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,990
Look, my sat
tutor said that taking
104
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,759
Too many practice
tests will burn you out.
105
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,795
And that's why
I fired her.
106
00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,196
You fired wendy woo?
107
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,464
I fired wendy woo.
108
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:55,033
She was happy and
kind and patient! Ugh!
109
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,302
Three terrible qualities
in a tutor.
110
00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:59,271
But don't worry.
I hired someone else.
111
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,273
She'll be here
momentarily.
112
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,141
Erica: What?
What's happening?
113
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,643
Surprise!
No...
114
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:05,978
It's me!
I'm your new tutor!
115
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:09,014
Stop doing
what you're doing.
Erica...
116
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,115
The fate of your
college career
117
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,484
Rides on this one single
test, and trust me,
118
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,219
I know how important
college is.
119
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:17,889
The biggest regret of my life
is dropping out to have you.
120
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:18,757
Oh, that sounded awful.
121
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:22,060
I am just gonna
keep on talking
until it fixes itself.
122
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,795
Has it fixed itself?
No.
123
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,430
I think it has. Here.
124
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,000
I've gone through tests
from the past 10 years
125
00:04:28,002 --> 00:04:31,136
And compiled all the most
difficult math problems.
126
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,237
Do them now.
127
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:35,007
What?
These are way too hard.
128
00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:37,109
I believe in you.
129
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:40,112
Adult adam:
While my mom was turning
the screws on erica,
130
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,147
My dad had
given up on me.
131
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,449
What are you doing?
The flyers are on.
132
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,717
I got news
for you, albert.
133
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,387
I'm done with hockey.
That's right.
134
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,622
Adam spoiled the
whole sport for me.
135
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,556
It happens.
136
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,992
Sometimes the puck
deflects off you
137
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,161
And ricochets
into your own goal.
138
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,530
Murray:
No! He aimed. He shot.
139
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,699
He scored. He danced!
140
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,600
I'm so sorry.
141
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,969
Why don't you just
let the boy quit?
142
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,871
He hates hockey.
For now.
143
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,806
But when I force him
to play against his will,
144
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,441
He'll eventually
become great.
145
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:13,712
And then his
bitterness towards me
will turn into love.
146
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:16,915
That, my friend,
is what it means
to be a dad.
147
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,717
Yes,
that's very touching.
148
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,819
But maybe you should
do something
149
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,954
That adam likes
for a change.
150
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:27,959
But he likes space ships
and dragons and video games.
151
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:32,064
Did you know that
the mario brothers
aren't even real?
152
00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:32,664
For three years,
153
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,233
I thought they were
the boys who lived
across the street.
154
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:35,834
Just give it a shot.
155
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:40,038
I think you'll see
that kid is into some
pretty cool stuff.
156
00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,841
(breathing heavily)
157
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,478
Hey, dad,
check it out.
158
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,146
Doesn't it look like
I'm in zero gravity?
159
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:51,416
Yeah. So, this is
what you do, huh?
160
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:53,118
Making a sci-fi movie.
161
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,086
Yeah, space stuff.
162
00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:57,823
You ever do
any westerns or
gritty cop dramas?
163
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:58,924
No, not my genres.
164
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,193
Although, technically,
star wars was a western,
165
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,395
And robocop
was incredibly dark.
166
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,063
So just space stuff.
167
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,365
Well, you need a hand?
Really?
168
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:10,836
Yeah, sure.
I'll, um, hold the
camera or something.
169
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,604
Do you want
to act in it?
170
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,239
Do I?
171
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,073
Awesome!
172
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,609
Lie down on the bed,
and whatever happens,
don't move.
173
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,977
Lie down
and don't move.
174
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:22,781
What do you know,
I've been an actor
my whole life.
175
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:23,815
Okay.
176
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,385
In a nutshell,
you're caine,
a space miner
177
00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:29,287
Who has an alien egg
gestating in your belly.
178
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,389
I'm who with the what?
179
00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:31,723
Get ready to freak out.
180
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:32,791
Why would I freak out?
181
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,926
(squirts)
what are you doing?
182
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:35,927
Why would you do that?
183
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:36,828
Stop!
(adam growling)
184
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,830
What is that?
Get it out! Stop!
185
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:39,998
Stop talking.
You're dead.
186
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,268
You ruined my one
good shirt! You're dead!
187
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:43,735
Ah!
188
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,471
Dad, I told you
there was an alien egg
in your stomach.
189
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:47,706
What do you
think that means?
190
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,841
You know what?
Let's go back to hockey.
191
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:50,575
That, I understand.
192
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,645
Adult adam:
While my dad's attempt at
bonding was an utter failure,
193
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:57,682
My mom was pushing
erica to the next level.
194
00:06:58,751 --> 00:06:59,618
How did I do already?
195
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,887
Okay, just know that
this is a practice test
196
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,422
And we still have
a lot of work to do.
197
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,024
Son of a bitch.
That bad?
198
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,793
1,280.
What?
199
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,028
You better come over
here and hug your mama
200
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,097
Before I punch
you in the face.
201
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:12,798
Oh, my god!
202
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,367
I thought you were
just talking like
a crazy person
203
00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:16,601
Like you do every other
second of the day.
204
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:21,039
But you actually
helped me boost my
score by like 100 points!
205
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:21,773
You're damn right I did.
206
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,508
And that's good enough
to get you into penn.
207
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,377
Forget penn.
That's good enough
for stanford.
208
00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:28,580
Wait, what?
Yeah, I need a
1,300 to get in.
209
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,415
Only 20 more
points to go!
210
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,451
Stanford is
in california.
211
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:34,286
I know.
It's so far away.
212
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:39,424
You are not going
to school 20,000 miles
away from me...
213
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,126
Us. The family.
214
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:41,960
You seriously
won't let me go
215
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,830
To one of the best
colleges in the country?
216
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:45,964
I...
(gags)
217
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:46,965
What the hell was that?
218
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,467
I...
(gags, chokes)
219
00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,168
Stop.
I...
220
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,636
(gags)
stop doing that.
221
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,805
What are you doing?
(chokes)
222
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,840
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
223
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,342
It... Stanford's
just so far away. I...
224
00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,946
I wouldn't be able
to just pop in on
the weekends, and...
225
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:03,381
...And hang out with
you and your girlfriends
226
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,117
And try on clothes
and then have you
227
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,285
Take me to the
local college pubs,
228
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:14,626
Where you introduce
me as your older sister,
barbie, to the cute tas?
229
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:17,829
That's your plan?
One of them, yeah.
230
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:22,334
Well, thank god
I learned how to
kick ass on this test.
231
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,736
Thank god.
232
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:27,239
What have I done?
233
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,040
(chokes)
234
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,410
Well look who it is.
235
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:35,680
Try not to score on your
own goal, lame gretzky.
236
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,082
Maybe, instead of
being a total putz,
237
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,483
You could
actually help me?
238
00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:40,452
You want my help? Quit.
239
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:41,620
Quitting isn't
an option.
240
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,722
You know how much
it matters to dad.
241
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,257
I don't want
to let him down.
242
00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:48,159
If I cared at all,
that would make me sad.
243
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,661
Maybe you could
teach me something,
244
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,663
So then, when I look
in the stands,
245
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,131
Dad's not hiding
his face in shame.
246
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,000
What I got
can't be taught.
247
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:58,003
It's called
natural talent.
248
00:08:58,005 --> 00:08:59,437
See, I'm the
type of player
249
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,439
Who controls the
flow of the game.
250
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,208
You, on the other hand,
are a turd on ice.
251
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:06,044
I know! But there's
got to be something
I can do.
252
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,412
I guess you could
always be a goon.
253
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:10,081
A goon?
Like in the goonies?
254
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:13,184
A goon! An enforcer.
255
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,387
They protect
the awesome
players like me
256
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,322
Using violence
and dirty play.
257
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,590
As long
as they can kick butt,
258
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,393
A goon doesn't need
to shoot or score.
259
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,528
Teach me.
I am yours to mold.
260
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,829
Please. Teach me
how to be a goonie.
261
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:28,433
Goon!
Can we just say goonie
if it helps me get there?
262
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,336
Adult adam:
That meant yes,
barry would help me.
263
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:34,773
All I had to do now
was learn how to fight.
264
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,476
Realizing a good test score
meant losing her daughter,
265
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:41,279
My mom changed
her tutoring tactics.
266
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,415
Hey, study buddy.
267
00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:44,082
What's all this?
268
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,951
I just wanted some coffee
so I could stay up and study.
269
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,820
Well, you're in luck,
because nothing
keeps your energy up
270
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,256
Like warm milk
and a big pile of turkey.
271
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,757
Don't those things
put you to sleep?
272
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,659
No, no.
The opposite is true.
273
00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:56,728
I read that in a
magazine I threw away.
274
00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:59,464
Well, you got me
this far. I trust you.
275
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:00,498
Oh, you're sweet.
276
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,900
Oh, listen,
I was thinking,
277
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:04,269
As a reward for
all your hard work,
278
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,704
You might want
to let off some steam
279
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:09,240
And go to see
rick springfield
on Friday night.
280
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:12,377
But that's the night
before the test.
281
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,878
Whoa.
282
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,514
Okay.
Your loss, egghead.
283
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,583
Well, I should probably
get back to work.
284
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,986
Oh, about that,
um, I made up
285
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,888
Some new vocab cards
for you to memorize.
286
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,323
This should get
you the extra points
287
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,392
You need
to get into stanford.
288
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,927
Oh, thanks, mom.
289
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,996
(reading)
"scubulence, noun...
290
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:35,000
"the process of removing
scuba equipment from a boat?"
291
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,735
(chuckles)
weird word.
292
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,170
Yeah, weird and
real. Just like...
293
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,906
(reading)
"flimjam, verb...
294
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:45,176
"to run backwards
in a zig-zag pattern."
295
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:45,910
Got it.
296
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:47,379
Well, that makes
me feel very...
297
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:49,381
(reading)
"torkulent, adjective...
298
00:10:49,383 --> 00:10:51,316
"delighted
and a little scared."
299
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:54,452
Well, let me just
flimjam out of here.
300
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:58,123
And, uh, good luck
with your studying.
301
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:05,930
"fidangle, verb...
To finish dangling."
302
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:08,066
What the hell?
303
00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:16,107
She wouldn't.
304
00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:19,044
She would.
305
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,713
Adult adam: While
my mom was trying to hurt
erica's chances on the sat,
306
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,749
Barry was teaching me
how to hurt people on the ice.
307
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,885
Okay, ad-rock,
listen up.
308
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,753
There are a few crucial
things you need to learn
309
00:11:28,755 --> 00:11:30,555
In order to
be an enforcer.
310
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,890
I'm ready for this.
Teach me.
311
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,058
We'll start
with the basics.
312
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,994
Lesson one...
This is your stick.
313
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:38,296
People like me
use it to score.
314
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,832
People like you
use it as a weapon.
315
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:41,433
Cool. Like a sword.
316
00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:44,669
I can use the moves
I learned in my
stage-combat class.
317
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:45,870
Ow!
318
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,772
Lesson two...
Every time you say
something like that,
319
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,275
You get a nerd punch in
the meaty part of your arm.
320
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,877
Smart. The pain
will motivate me.
321
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,446
Nerd punch!
322
00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:54,979
Ow!
323
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:58,249
Lesson three...
Your stick is to
never touch the ice.
324
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:03,054
It's used for slashing,
hooking, butt-ending,
and spearing.
325
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,724
Any questions?
Aren't all those
penalties?
326
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,425
Nerd punch!
Aah!
327
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,426
Lesson four...
Fighting.
328
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,862
But I didn't learn lessons
one through three yet.
329
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,064
Maybe you did,
maybe you didn't.
330
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,099
I didn't.
Or did you?
331
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,934
I didn't!
Nerd punch!
332
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,303
Now, the trick
to a hockey fight
is the first person
333
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,905
Who sheds their
gloves strikes first.
334
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,074
Go! Again!
335
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,809
Come on,
hurry, hurry, hurry.
336
00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:25,744
Again!
337
00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,212
Quick, quick,
quick, quick, quick!
338
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:30,014
You're gonna lose to
a kid with looser gloves.
339
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:32,016
Again!
I think I got it now.
340
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:34,819
You got it
when I say you got it.
341
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:35,754
Which is now.
342
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:39,524
Lesson five, and
the most important
lesson of them all...
343
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,258
When you're in a fight,
344
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,527
You grab the bottom
of your opponent's jersey
345
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,163
And yank it over
his head, like so.
346
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,532
Adam: Stop it!
I can't see!
347
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,101
Good.
You're learning.
348
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:54,038
Lesson six...
349
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,174
Watch out for elbows.
350
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:58,076
Adam: Ah!
351
00:12:58,410 --> 00:12:59,844
There's my
little genius.
352
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:02,280
You all geared up for
the big test tomorrow?
353
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,615
All thanks to your help.
354
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,083
You know, I thought
a lot about what you said,
355
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:08,686
And I decided that penn
is a great choice for me.
356
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:09,854
Oh, it's happening.
357
00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:11,656
We're going to penn!
I know!
358
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:14,225
I'm so excited that
I decided to get
a head start
359
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,594
On my essay for
their application.
360
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,196
Here it is.
361
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:19,864
(reading)
"I believe...
362
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:22,300
"that the university
of pennsylvania
363
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,401
"is the right
school for me
364
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:29,874
"because of its
torkulent history and
diligord reputation."
365
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:32,076
Oh, boy.
Don't stop.
Keep going.
366
00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:33,278
Ah, I'd rather not.
367
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,880
Okay, pops,
would you mind?
368
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,917
(pops reading)
"I feel that I could...
369
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,753
"really benefit from
being part of its...
370
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:44,255
"cromtormulous student body
371
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,391
"and weepeggle faculty."
372
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,093
Weepeggle?
What the (bleep)
373
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:50,395
Keep reading.
374
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:54,532
"I would be bumgubbled
to quarp a university
375
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,334
"that is so
vernaciously proggle
376
00:13:56,336 --> 00:14:01,806
"that even the
most zeticent student
could gobulate."
377
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:02,340
Gobulate?
378
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,709
Honest question...
When you wrote this,
379
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,144
Were you smoking
a jazz cigarette?
380
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,812
Oh, it's much
worse than that.
381
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,348
I have a mother
that taught me
fake vocab words
382
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,351
To screw me
out of the college
I want to go to.
383
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,854
What? That's crazy.
384
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:18,523
That is crazy, right?
385
00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:20,225
I can explain.
386
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:20,992
Oh, no.
387
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,429
What kind of mother
sabotages her daughter?
388
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:25,430
Who does that?
389
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,165
Just go to penn.
390
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,333
It's only 20 minutes away.
391
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,134
I can cook for you
and do your laundry
392
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:33,204
And clean your room because
it's only 20 minutes away,
393
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,607
So you should
live here and commute.
394
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:36,908
Oh, well,
I've got news for you.
395
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,843
California
ain't far enough away.
396
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,745
I'm going
to japan university.
397
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:43,348
That's right. Good luck
popping in on me there.
398
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,816
Do you really think
that'll stop me?
399
00:14:44,818 --> 00:14:46,451
I'll fly halfway
around the planet
400
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,719
Just to see you every
weekend if I have to.
401
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:51,689
Fine! Then I'll
just colonize the moon
and go to college there!
402
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,224
Then I'll get on
a rocket every weekend
403
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,726
Just so I can
give you a hug.
404
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,661
You can't do that!
Oh, I can.
405
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:59,230
And I will bring you tang
and I'll iron your space suit
406
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,866
And I'll take your alien
roommates to bennigan's!
407
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:04,569
I hate that you
love me so much!
408
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:08,373
Adult adam:
While my mom and erica
had taken the gloves off,
409
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:11,376
I was about to do the same.
410
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,184
(yells)
411
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:29,994
Nooo!
412
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,331
This wasn't the plan!
413
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,065
Fight back, adam!
414
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,567
Use your stick,
just like I taught you!
415
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:37,602
You taught him what?
416
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,538
Nothing.
I taught him nothing.
417
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,473
No, no, stop!
I'm the enforcer.
418
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,709
You can't enforce
the enforcer.
419
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:45,610
Ball up!
420
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,178
Curl into a ball!
421
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,280
Dear god, no!
422
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,516
(buzzer sounds)
423
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:57,255
Adam! Get back here.
We need to talk.
424
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,390
No.
Just leave me alone.
425
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,326
This is your fault,
you moron.
426
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,160
I'm a moron?
427
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,195
Adam's the one who got
suspended for fighting.
428
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,064
Yeah, you're
the one who taught
him how to fight!
429
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,231
I was trying
to help him.
430
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,233
All he wanted to
do was impress you.
431
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,402
How's it supposed
to impress me
432
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,804
To have him
dragged by the face
433
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,839
And turned into
a human hockey puck?
434
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,307
I don't know.
You won't let him quit,
435
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,909
So what else is
he supposed to do?
436
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:20,044
Do you know why
I won't let him quit?
437
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,246
You and I
have a ton in common.
438
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:25,650
We talk about
sports, food, cars.
439
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,251
But adam...
This is all we've got,
440
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:30,755
And if you take
hockey away,
there's a good chance
441
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:34,158
That adam and I
might never speak again.
442
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,527
I see what you're saying.
443
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:37,462
I'm your favorite son.
444
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:38,730
Didn't say that.
I get it.
445
00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:40,098
No, you don't.
You love me more.
446
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,366
You're an idiot.
You can say
it all you want.
447
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,635
You're an idiot.
But we all know
how you really feel.
448
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,037
You're an idiot.
I get it.
449
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,538
Just stop.
Okay.
450
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:51,509
Listen, I know
adam's hobbies
are weird to us.
451
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,343
No.
Weird to everyone.
452
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:56,781
But the kid tried
for five years
to do your thing.
453
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:58,282
Maybe now it's time
to try his thing
454
00:16:58,284 --> 00:16:59,617
For more
than five minutes.
455
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:00,918
That's pretty
smart, barry.
456
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,821
Of course!
I'm your favorite.
457
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,623
And back to stupid.
458
00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:11,462
Poopie,
can mama come in?
459
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,731
Let me guess.
460
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,266
You're here
with "directions"
461
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,201
To the new test center
that doesn't exist?
462
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,738
I'm here to apologize.
What I did was wrong.
463
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:22,140
You know, you always
say you want
464
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,107
What's best
for your children,
465
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:25,443
But, really, you just
want what's best for you.
466
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,779
Okay, I was selfish.
467
00:17:27,781 --> 00:17:29,781
But... I just
love you so much.
468
00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:30,948
I never want
to let you go.
469
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,253
And you think that
that's supposed to make
what you did any better?
470
00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:36,854
Look...
471
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:39,524
I know you're gonna go
off to college one day,
472
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:43,494
But the reality of you
moving all the way
across the country
473
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:47,298
And starting
a whole new life,
that freaked me out.
474
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,433
But I know
this isn't about me,
475
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:52,003
So if stanford is what
you want, then, damn it,
476
00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:54,105
We are gonna get
you into stanford.
477
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,573
Do you mean that?
I don't.
478
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,176
Understood.
But I'll work on it.
479
00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:01,345
And maybe in
a year or so...
480
00:18:01,347 --> 00:18:02,880
I will.
481
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:10,221
You know, um...
I never finished college,
482
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,756
So I could always apply.
483
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,358
Don't ruin the hug.
Okay.
484
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,429
Hey. How you doing?
485
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,364
Well, I discovered
the only thing worse
486
00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:21,399
Than scoring
on your own goal
487
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,668
Is getting scored
into your own goal.
488
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,838
Look, I know you're
not enjoying hockey,
489
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,408
And I'm not enjoying
you not enjoying hockey,
490
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:31,242
So I thought,
"there has to be
491
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,910
"something else
we can do together."
492
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,378
Please don't make
me play football.
493
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,914
No, no, no. No sports.
Done with sports.
494
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,584
So, I went to the store,
and I got you...
495
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,419
A family-size
bottle of ketchup...
496
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:46,090
And a three pack
of t-shirts for
you to ruin,
497
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,025
In case you
want to give that
498
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,694
Alien movie
thing another try.
499
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,797
You mean it?
Yeah. Why not?
500
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:57,401
Well, if we do this,
we do it right.
501
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:01,506
♪ I never took the smile
away from anybody's face
502
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,709
♪ and that's a desperate way
to look for someone
503
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:07,912
♪ who is still a child
504
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,914
♪ in a big country
505
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,549
(groaning)
506
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:15,052
(screaming)
507
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:17,522
Oh! Oh, my god!
508
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:20,158
Call the robot president!
509
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:20,758
(chomping)
510
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,294
Adult adam:
My dad learned that,
while I was nothing like him,
511
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,630
He could meet me halfway,
and even though
512
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:29,233
I didn't play hockey anymore,
he still had barry...
513
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:30,234
Barry: Goal!
(whistle blows)
514
00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:33,938
Oh, yeah!
All, man! Whoo!
515
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,008
...Which was a mixed bag.
516
00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:40,444
Put it in, scorekeeper.
Put it in.
517
00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:43,681
As for erica, she was
feeling quite torkulent
518
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,383
As she sat down
to take the sat.
519
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,753
Nothing would stop her,
not even fireworks.
520
00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,888
Woman: And begin...
521
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,731
Mail just came.
522
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:04,735
Oh, my god!
523
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,170
I knew
you could do it.
524
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:09,207
I may actually
go to california.
525
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,443
I'll follow you
to the moon, baby.
526
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:15,046
♪ in a big country,
dreams stay with you
527
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:18,216
Adult adam:
In the end, my parents
realized all they could do
528
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:23,187
Was let us be who we wanted
to be and just enjoy the ride.
529
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:26,157
♪ stay alive
530
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,627
And we're rolling.
531
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,062
Alien dad. The sequel.
532
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,530
Okay,
here's the backstory.
533
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,599
You're a space miner
about to explore
534
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,267
An alien vessel
all by yourself.
535
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,337
By myself? An alien vessel?
No, no, no, no.
536
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,606
Let's just send in
a dog or something.
A dog?
537
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,874
We'll give it a flashlight.
Strap a camera on its back.
538
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,510
You're on a solo mission.
There is no dog.
539
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:49,447
Only a moron would go
on a ship by himself.
540
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:52,516
Well, you're going in there,
so I guess you're a moron.
541
00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:53,651
How are things
going in here?
542
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,586
He's refusing to go
on the alien ship.
543
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,389
Murray, just go
in the damn ship.
544
00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:00,625
Fine! I will go
in the damn ship.
545
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,994
Good, 'cause now an
alien attacks your face
546
00:21:02,996 --> 00:21:04,528
And implants an egg
inside your belly.
547
00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:07,999
Well, that's exactly
the reason
I didn't want to go in.
548
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,671
(bell dings)
549
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,275
(bell dings)
550
00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:21,846
(bell dings)