1 00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:03,402 Adult adam: Hockey... 2 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:05,504 A time-honored tradition for the goldberg gang. 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,905 My dad raised us watching the flyers 4 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:11,744 And dreamed of us being as cool and tough as the broad street bullies. 5 00:00:11,746 --> 00:00:13,879 Of course, what I lacked in size and strength, 6 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,982 I made up for with clumsiness and asthma. 7 00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,650 My costume is so uncomfortable. 8 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:21,687 It's a jersey, not a costume. 9 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:22,254 Geez. 10 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,822 It didn't matter that I was a total scrub. 11 00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,158 My dad thought I could be great someday, 12 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,527 And I didn't want to let him down. 13 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,696 You ready? Hell yeah. 14 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:34,299 I'm ready to hockey it up. 15 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,935 There he is, my little ice angel. 16 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:40,873 Remember our rule... The real winner is safety. 17 00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:43,509 It's the big leagues, bevy! 18 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:44,910 He's in junior peewee now. 19 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,212 This is the year that adam scores his first goal. 20 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,416 Murray, I don't understand why you insist he plays. 21 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,418 Adam, be careful on that ice. 22 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,318 It's very slippery. 23 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,587 Why don't you just skate around with him all game 24 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:56,388 And make sure he stays safe? 25 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,490 I know you're joking, but I would do that 26 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,793 If the situation presented itself. 27 00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:04,229 Hockey wasn't my thing, but it was barry's everything. 28 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,798 Whoo! What a hit! 29 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,699 I don't think he's getting up. 30 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:10,135 I told you, flyers got to hit to win. 31 00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:11,570 (grating voice) I'm freddy krueger! 32 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,505 I'm gonna haunt your dreams, fool! 33 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,107 What's he doing? Just ignore him. 34 00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,341 (growls) ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. 35 00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,609 He'll wear himself out. 36 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:18,944 (growls) ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. 37 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,546 That's enough. That's enough. 38 00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,314 Let me watch the game. Stop. 39 00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:23,282 Just watch the game, adam. 40 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:26,518 My dad took hockey very seriously, 41 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,020 And my brother, barry, did, too. 42 00:01:28,022 --> 00:01:30,622 Out of all the things he thought he was good at, 43 00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,024 This one he actually was. 44 00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,126 (buzzer sounds) barry: Goal! 45 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,829 And my dad loved going to his games. 46 00:01:36,831 --> 00:01:38,630 Look at you! Look at you! 47 00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:42,734 But when it came to my games, not so much. 48 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,069 Go, adam! 49 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,270 (cheering) 50 00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:47,206 Even so, my dad dragged his ass 51 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,141 To those stands to cheer me on. 52 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,142 No, no! The other way! 53 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,678 But he never stopped believing that one day 54 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,079 I would score that first goal 55 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,548 And live up to the goldberg potential. 56 00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:57,316 Do something! 57 00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:59,451 Then, it finally happened. 58 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,185 My moment... 59 00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:04,790 My big shot to make my dad proud. 60 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,826 (suspenseful music playing) 61 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:11,930 (buzzer sounds) 62 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,165 Or so I thought. 63 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,534 Yes! I finally scored! 64 00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:16,869 Yeah. 65 00:02:16,871 --> 00:02:19,805 Damn it, goldberg. You scored on our goal. 66 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,573 (crowd jeering) 67 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,743 I call a do-over! 68 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,546 That's a thing in sports, right? 69 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:31,350 ♪ I'm twisted up inside 70 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:36,255 ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 71 00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:38,690 ♪ I don't know the future 72 00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:41,460 ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ 73 00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:44,730 Adult adam: It was February 25, 1980-something. 74 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,231 My sister was prepping for the sats, 75 00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:49,168 And my mom was gonna be there every step of the way 76 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,670 With words of support and encouragement. 77 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,906 Okay, I don't want to make a big deal about this, 78 00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:54,573 But your entire life 79 00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,542 Is literally riding on this one test. 80 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,844 You've made that very clear. 81 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,312 Now stop hovering. 82 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:03,815 Sorry. I'll just be quietly over here. 83 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:08,353 (clangs) aah! What the hell? 84 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,390 This test is all about how you handle distraction. 85 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,758 Focus your mind. 86 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,226 Shut out the world. 87 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:14,793 Mom. 88 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,495 I don't think there are going to be 89 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,330 Any explosions at the test center. 90 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,231 You don't know that. 91 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,099 It could be underneath a discotheque, 92 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:22,668 Or next to a fireworks factory, 93 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,736 Or in a bad part of south philly, 94 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,573 Like where your gym teacher got arrested. 95 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:28,507 You're not helping. 96 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:31,043 And time! Pencils down. 97 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,845 Okay, you didn't even answer the last 10 questions. 98 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:37,316 What's wrong with you? You're what's wrong with me! 99 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,150 You know what? 100 00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:39,718 That's fine. I'm done for the night. 101 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,753 The night has just begun, missy. 102 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:42,754 Tuchus down, now. 103 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,990 Look, my sat tutor said that taking 104 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,759 Too many practice tests will burn you out. 105 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,795 And that's why I fired her. 106 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,196 You fired wendy woo? 107 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,464 I fired wendy woo. 108 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:55,033 She was happy and kind and patient! Ugh! 109 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,302 Three terrible qualities in a tutor. 110 00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:59,271 But don't worry. I hired someone else. 111 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,273 She'll be here momentarily. 112 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,141 Erica: What? What's happening? 113 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,643 Surprise! No... 114 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:05,978 It's me! I'm your new tutor! 115 00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:09,014 Stop doing what you're doing. Erica... 116 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,115 The fate of your college career 117 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,484 Rides on this one single test, and trust me, 118 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,219 I know how important college is. 119 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:17,889 The biggest regret of my life is dropping out to have you. 120 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:18,757 Oh, that sounded awful. 121 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:22,060 I am just gonna keep on talking until it fixes itself. 122 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,795 Has it fixed itself? No. 123 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,430 I think it has. Here. 124 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,000 I've gone through tests from the past 10 years 125 00:04:28,002 --> 00:04:31,136 And compiled all the most difficult math problems. 126 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,237 Do them now. 127 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:35,007 What? These are way too hard. 128 00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:37,109 I believe in you. 129 00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:40,112 Adult adam: While my mom was turning the screws on erica, 130 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,147 My dad had given up on me. 131 00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,449 What are you doing? The flyers are on. 132 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,717 I got news for you, albert. 133 00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,387 I'm done with hockey. That's right. 134 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,622 Adam spoiled the whole sport for me. 135 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,556 It happens. 136 00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,992 Sometimes the puck deflects off you 137 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,161 And ricochets into your own goal. 138 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,530 Murray: No! He aimed. He shot. 139 00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,699 He scored. He danced! 140 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,600 I'm so sorry. 141 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,969 Why don't you just let the boy quit? 142 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,871 He hates hockey. For now. 143 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,806 But when I force him to play against his will, 144 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,441 He'll eventually become great. 145 00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:13,712 And then his bitterness towards me will turn into love. 146 00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:16,915 That, my friend, is what it means to be a dad. 147 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,717 Yes, that's very touching. 148 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,819 But maybe you should do something 149 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,954 That adam likes for a change. 150 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:27,959 But he likes space ships and dragons and video games. 151 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:32,064 Did you know that the mario brothers aren't even real? 152 00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:32,664 For three years, 153 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,233 I thought they were the boys who lived across the street. 154 00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:35,834 Just give it a shot. 155 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:40,038 I think you'll see that kid is into some pretty cool stuff. 156 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,841 (breathing heavily) 157 00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,478 Hey, dad, check it out. 158 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,146 Doesn't it look like I'm in zero gravity? 159 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:51,416 Yeah. So, this is what you do, huh? 160 00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:53,118 Making a sci-fi movie. 161 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,086 Yeah, space stuff. 162 00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:57,823 You ever do any westerns or gritty cop dramas? 163 00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:58,924 No, not my genres. 164 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,193 Although, technically, star wars was a western, 165 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,395 And robocop was incredibly dark. 166 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,063 So just space stuff. 167 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,365 Well, you need a hand? Really? 168 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:10,836 Yeah, sure. I'll, um, hold the camera or something. 169 00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,604 Do you want to act in it? 170 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,239 Do I? 171 00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,073 Awesome! 172 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,609 Lie down on the bed, and whatever happens, don't move. 173 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,977 Lie down and don't move. 174 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:22,781 What do you know, I've been an actor my whole life. 175 00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:23,815 Okay. 176 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,385 In a nutshell, you're caine, a space miner 177 00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:29,287 Who has an alien egg gestating in your belly. 178 00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,389 I'm who with the what? 179 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:31,723 Get ready to freak out. 180 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:32,791 Why would I freak out? 181 00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,926 (squirts) what are you doing? 182 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:35,927 Why would you do that? 183 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:36,828 Stop! (adam growling) 184 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,830 What is that? Get it out! Stop! 185 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:39,998 Stop talking. You're dead. 186 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,268 You ruined my one good shirt! You're dead! 187 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:43,735 Ah! 188 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,471 Dad, I told you there was an alien egg in your stomach. 189 00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:47,706 What do you think that means? 190 00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,841 You know what? Let's go back to hockey. 191 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:50,575 That, I understand. 192 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,645 Adult adam: While my dad's attempt at bonding was an utter failure, 193 00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:57,682 My mom was pushing erica to the next level. 194 00:06:58,751 --> 00:06:59,618 How did I do already? 195 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,887 Okay, just know that this is a practice test 196 00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,422 And we still have a lot of work to do. 197 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,024 Son of a bitch. That bad? 198 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,793 1,280. What? 199 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,028 You better come over here and hug your mama 200 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,097 Before I punch you in the face. 201 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:12,798 Oh, my god! 202 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,367 I thought you were just talking like a crazy person 203 00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:16,601 Like you do every other second of the day. 204 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:21,039 But you actually helped me boost my score by like 100 points! 205 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:21,773 You're damn right I did. 206 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,508 And that's good enough to get you into penn. 207 00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,377 Forget penn. That's good enough for stanford. 208 00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:28,580 Wait, what? Yeah, I need a 1,300 to get in. 209 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,415 Only 20 more points to go! 210 00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,451 Stanford is in california. 211 00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:34,286 I know. It's so far away. 212 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:39,424 You are not going to school 20,000 miles away from me... 213 00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,126 Us. The family. 214 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:41,960 You seriously won't let me go 215 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,830 To one of the best colleges in the country? 216 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:45,964 I... (gags) 217 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:46,965 What the hell was that? 218 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,467 I... (gags, chokes) 219 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,168 Stop. I... 220 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,636 (gags) stop doing that. 221 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,805 What are you doing? (chokes) 222 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,840 I'm sorry. I can't help it. 223 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,342 It... Stanford's just so far away. I... 224 00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,946 I wouldn't be able to just pop in on the weekends, and... 225 00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:03,381 ...And hang out with you and your girlfriends 226 00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,117 And try on clothes and then have you 227 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,285 Take me to the local college pubs, 228 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:14,626 Where you introduce me as your older sister, barbie, to the cute tas? 229 00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:17,829 That's your plan? One of them, yeah. 230 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:22,334 Well, thank god I learned how to kick ass on this test. 231 00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,736 Thank god. 232 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:27,239 What have I done? 233 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,040 (chokes) 234 00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,410 Well look who it is. 235 00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:35,680 Try not to score on your own goal, lame gretzky. 236 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,082 Maybe, instead of being a total putz, 237 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,483 You could actually help me? 238 00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:40,452 You want my help? Quit. 239 00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:41,620 Quitting isn't an option. 240 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,722 You know how much it matters to dad. 241 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,257 I don't want to let him down. 242 00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:48,159 If I cared at all, that would make me sad. 243 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,661 Maybe you could teach me something, 244 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,663 So then, when I look in the stands, 245 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,131 Dad's not hiding his face in shame. 246 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,000 What I got can't be taught. 247 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:58,003 It's called natural talent. 248 00:08:58,005 --> 00:08:59,437 See, I'm the type of player 249 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,439 Who controls the flow of the game. 250 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,208 You, on the other hand, are a turd on ice. 251 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:06,044 I know! But there's got to be something I can do. 252 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,412 I guess you could always be a goon. 253 00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:10,081 A goon? Like in the goonies? 254 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:13,184 A goon! An enforcer. 255 00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,387 They protect the awesome players like me 256 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,322 Using violence and dirty play. 257 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,590 As long as they can kick butt, 258 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,393 A goon doesn't need to shoot or score. 259 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,528 Teach me. I am yours to mold. 260 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,829 Please. Teach me how to be a goonie. 261 00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:28,433 Goon! Can we just say goonie if it helps me get there? 262 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,336 Adult adam: That meant yes, barry would help me. 263 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:34,773 All I had to do now was learn how to fight. 264 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,476 Realizing a good test score meant losing her daughter, 265 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:41,279 My mom changed her tutoring tactics. 266 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,415 Hey, study buddy. 267 00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:44,082 What's all this? 268 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,951 I just wanted some coffee so I could stay up and study. 269 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,820 Well, you're in luck, because nothing keeps your energy up 270 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,256 Like warm milk and a big pile of turkey. 271 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,757 Don't those things put you to sleep? 272 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,659 No, no. The opposite is true. 273 00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:56,728 I read that in a magazine I threw away. 274 00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:59,464 Well, you got me this far. I trust you. 275 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:00,498 Oh, you're sweet. 276 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,900 Oh, listen, I was thinking, 277 00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:04,269 As a reward for all your hard work, 278 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,704 You might want to let off some steam 279 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:09,240 And go to see rick springfield on Friday night. 280 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:12,377 But that's the night before the test. 281 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,878 Whoa. 282 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,514 Okay. Your loss, egghead. 283 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,583 Well, I should probably get back to work. 284 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,986 Oh, about that, um, I made up 285 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,888 Some new vocab cards for you to memorize. 286 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,323 This should get you the extra points 287 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,392 You need to get into stanford. 288 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,927 Oh, thanks, mom. 289 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,996 (reading) "scubulence, noun... 290 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:35,000 "the process of removing scuba equipment from a boat?" 291 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,735 (chuckles) weird word. 292 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,170 Yeah, weird and real. Just like... 293 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,906 (reading) "flimjam, verb... 294 00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:45,176 "to run backwards in a zig-zag pattern." 295 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:45,910 Got it. 296 00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:47,379 Well, that makes me feel very... 297 00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:49,381 (reading) "torkulent, adjective... 298 00:10:49,383 --> 00:10:51,316 "delighted and a little scared." 299 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:54,452 Well, let me just flimjam out of here. 300 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:58,123 And, uh, good luck with your studying. 301 00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:05,930 "fidangle, verb... To finish dangling." 302 00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:08,066 What the hell? 303 00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:16,107 She wouldn't. 304 00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:19,044 She would. 305 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,713 Adult adam: While my mom was trying to hurt erica's chances on the sat, 306 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,749 Barry was teaching me how to hurt people on the ice. 307 00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,885 Okay, ad-rock, listen up. 308 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,753 There are a few crucial things you need to learn 309 00:11:28,755 --> 00:11:30,555 In order to be an enforcer. 310 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,890 I'm ready for this. Teach me. 311 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,058 We'll start with the basics. 312 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,994 Lesson one... This is your stick. 313 00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:38,296 People like me use it to score. 314 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,832 People like you use it as a weapon. 315 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:41,433 Cool. Like a sword. 316 00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:44,669 I can use the moves I learned in my stage-combat class. 317 00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:45,870 Ow! 318 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,772 Lesson two... Every time you say something like that, 319 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,275 You get a nerd punch in the meaty part of your arm. 320 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,877 Smart. The pain will motivate me. 321 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,446 Nerd punch! 322 00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:54,979 Ow! 323 00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:58,249 Lesson three... Your stick is to never touch the ice. 324 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:03,054 It's used for slashing, hooking, butt-ending, and spearing. 325 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,724 Any questions? Aren't all those penalties? 326 00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,425 Nerd punch! Aah! 327 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,426 Lesson four... Fighting. 328 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,862 But I didn't learn lessons one through three yet. 329 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,064 Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. 330 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,099 I didn't. Or did you? 331 00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,934 I didn't! Nerd punch! 332 00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,303 Now, the trick to a hockey fight is the first person 333 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,905 Who sheds their gloves strikes first. 334 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,074 Go! Again! 335 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,809 Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry. 336 00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:25,744 Again! 337 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,212 Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick! 338 00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:30,014 You're gonna lose to a kid with looser gloves. 339 00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:32,016 Again! I think I got it now. 340 00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:34,819 You got it when I say you got it. 341 00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:35,754 Which is now. 342 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:39,524 Lesson five, and the most important lesson of them all... 343 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,258 When you're in a fight, 344 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,527 You grab the bottom of your opponent's jersey 345 00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,163 And yank it over his head, like so. 346 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,532 Adam: Stop it! I can't see! 347 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,101 Good. You're learning. 348 00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:54,038 Lesson six... 349 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,174 Watch out for elbows. 350 00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:58,076 Adam: Ah! 351 00:12:58,410 --> 00:12:59,844 There's my little genius. 352 00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:02,280 You all geared up for the big test tomorrow? 353 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,615 All thanks to your help. 354 00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,083 You know, I thought a lot about what you said, 355 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:08,686 And I decided that penn is a great choice for me. 356 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:09,854 Oh, it's happening. 357 00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:11,656 We're going to penn! I know! 358 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:14,225 I'm so excited that I decided to get a head start 359 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,594 On my essay for their application. 360 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,196 Here it is. 361 00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:19,864 (reading) "I believe... 362 00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:22,300 "that the university of pennsylvania 363 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,401 "is the right school for me 364 00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:29,874 "because of its torkulent history and diligord reputation." 365 00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:32,076 Oh, boy. Don't stop. Keep going. 366 00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:33,278 Ah, I'd rather not. 367 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,880 Okay, pops, would you mind? 368 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,917 (pops reading) "I feel that I could... 369 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,753 "really benefit from being part of its... 370 00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:44,255 "cromtormulous student body 371 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,391 "and weepeggle faculty." 372 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,093 Weepeggle? What the (bleep) 373 00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:50,395 Keep reading. 374 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:54,532 "I would be bumgubbled to quarp a university 375 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,334 "that is so vernaciously proggle 376 00:13:56,336 --> 00:14:01,806 "that even the most zeticent student could gobulate." 377 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:02,340 Gobulate? 378 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,709 Honest question... When you wrote this, 379 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,144 Were you smoking a jazz cigarette? 380 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,812 Oh, it's much worse than that. 381 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,348 I have a mother that taught me fake vocab words 382 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,351 To screw me out of the college I want to go to. 383 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,854 What? That's crazy. 384 00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:18,523 That is crazy, right? 385 00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:20,225 I can explain. 386 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:20,992 Oh, no. 387 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,429 What kind of mother sabotages her daughter? 388 00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:25,430 Who does that? 389 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,165 Just go to penn. 390 00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,333 It's only 20 minutes away. 391 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,134 I can cook for you and do your laundry 392 00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:33,204 And clean your room because it's only 20 minutes away, 393 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,607 So you should live here and commute. 394 00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:36,908 Oh, well, I've got news for you. 395 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,843 California ain't far enough away. 396 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,745 I'm going to japan university. 397 00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:43,348 That's right. Good luck popping in on me there. 398 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,816 Do you really think that'll stop me? 399 00:14:44,818 --> 00:14:46,451 I'll fly halfway around the planet 400 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,719 Just to see you every weekend if I have to. 401 00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:51,689 Fine! Then I'll just colonize the moon and go to college there! 402 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,224 Then I'll get on a rocket every weekend 403 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,726 Just so I can give you a hug. 404 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,661 You can't do that! Oh, I can. 405 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:59,230 And I will bring you tang and I'll iron your space suit 406 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,866 And I'll take your alien roommates to bennigan's! 407 00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:04,569 I hate that you love me so much! 408 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:08,373 Adult adam: While my mom and erica had taken the gloves off, 409 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:11,376 I was about to do the same. 410 00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,184 (yells) 411 00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:29,994 Nooo! 412 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,331 This wasn't the plan! 413 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,065 Fight back, adam! 414 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,567 Use your stick, just like I taught you! 415 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:37,602 You taught him what? 416 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,538 Nothing. I taught him nothing. 417 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,473 No, no, stop! I'm the enforcer. 418 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,709 You can't enforce the enforcer. 419 00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:45,610 Ball up! 420 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,178 Curl into a ball! 421 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,280 Dear god, no! 422 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,516 (buzzer sounds) 423 00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:57,255 Adam! Get back here. We need to talk. 424 00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,390 No. Just leave me alone. 425 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,326 This is your fault, you moron. 426 00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,160 I'm a moron? 427 00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,195 Adam's the one who got suspended for fighting. 428 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,064 Yeah, you're the one who taught him how to fight! 429 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,231 I was trying to help him. 430 00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,233 All he wanted to do was impress you. 431 00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,402 How's it supposed to impress me 432 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,804 To have him dragged by the face 433 00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,839 And turned into a human hockey puck? 434 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,307 I don't know. You won't let him quit, 435 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,909 So what else is he supposed to do? 436 00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:20,044 Do you know why I won't let him quit? 437 00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,246 You and I have a ton in common. 438 00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:25,650 We talk about sports, food, cars. 439 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,251 But adam... This is all we've got, 440 00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:30,755 And if you take hockey away, there's a good chance 441 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:34,158 That adam and I might never speak again. 442 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,527 I see what you're saying. 443 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:37,462 I'm your favorite son. 444 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:38,730 Didn't say that. I get it. 445 00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:40,098 No, you don't. You love me more. 446 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,366 You're an idiot. You can say it all you want. 447 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,635 You're an idiot. But we all know how you really feel. 448 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,037 You're an idiot. I get it. 449 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,538 Just stop. Okay. 450 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:51,509 Listen, I know adam's hobbies are weird to us. 451 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,343 No. Weird to everyone. 452 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:56,781 But the kid tried for five years to do your thing. 453 00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:58,282 Maybe now it's time to try his thing 454 00:16:58,284 --> 00:16:59,617 For more than five minutes. 455 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:00,918 That's pretty smart, barry. 456 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,821 Of course! I'm your favorite. 457 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,623 And back to stupid. 458 00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:11,462 Poopie, can mama come in? 459 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,731 Let me guess. 460 00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,266 You're here with "directions" 461 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,201 To the new test center that doesn't exist? 462 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,738 I'm here to apologize. What I did was wrong. 463 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:22,140 You know, you always say you want 464 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,107 What's best for your children, 465 00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:25,443 But, really, you just want what's best for you. 466 00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,779 Okay, I was selfish. 467 00:17:27,781 --> 00:17:29,781 But... I just love you so much. 468 00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:30,948 I never want to let you go. 469 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,253 And you think that that's supposed to make what you did any better? 470 00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:36,854 Look... 471 00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:39,524 I know you're gonna go off to college one day, 472 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:43,494 But the reality of you moving all the way across the country 473 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:47,298 And starting a whole new life, that freaked me out. 474 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,433 But I know this isn't about me, 475 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:52,003 So if stanford is what you want, then, damn it, 476 00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:54,105 We are gonna get you into stanford. 477 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,573 Do you mean that? I don't. 478 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,176 Understood. But I'll work on it. 479 00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:01,345 And maybe in a year or so... 480 00:18:01,347 --> 00:18:02,880 I will. 481 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:10,221 You know, um... I never finished college, 482 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,756 So I could always apply. 483 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,358 Don't ruin the hug. Okay. 484 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,429 Hey. How you doing? 485 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,364 Well, I discovered the only thing worse 486 00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:21,399 Than scoring on your own goal 487 00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,668 Is getting scored into your own goal. 488 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,838 Look, I know you're not enjoying hockey, 489 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,408 And I'm not enjoying you not enjoying hockey, 490 00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:31,242 So I thought, "there has to be 491 00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,910 "something else we can do together." 492 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,378 Please don't make me play football. 493 00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,914 No, no, no. No sports. Done with sports. 494 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,584 So, I went to the store, and I got you... 495 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,419 A family-size bottle of ketchup... 496 00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:46,090 And a three pack of t-shirts for you to ruin, 497 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,025 In case you want to give that 498 00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,694 Alien movie thing another try. 499 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,797 You mean it? Yeah. Why not? 500 00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:57,401 Well, if we do this, we do it right. 501 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:01,506 ♪ I never took the smile away from anybody's face 502 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,709 ♪ and that's a desperate way to look for someone 503 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:07,912 ♪ who is still a child 504 00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,914 ♪ in a big country 505 00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,549 (groaning) 506 00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:15,052 (screaming) 507 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:17,522 Oh! Oh, my god! 508 00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:20,158 Call the robot president! 509 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:20,758 (chomping) 510 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,294 Adult adam: My dad learned that, while I was nothing like him, 511 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,630 He could meet me halfway, and even though 512 00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:29,233 I didn't play hockey anymore, he still had barry... 513 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:30,234 Barry: Goal! (whistle blows) 514 00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:33,938 Oh, yeah! All, man! Whoo! 515 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,008 ...Which was a mixed bag. 516 00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:40,444 Put it in, scorekeeper. Put it in. 517 00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:43,681 As for erica, she was feeling quite torkulent 518 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,383 As she sat down to take the sat. 519 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,753 Nothing would stop her, not even fireworks. 520 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,888 Woman: And begin... 521 00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,731 Mail just came. 522 00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:04,735 Oh, my god! 523 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,170 I knew you could do it. 524 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:09,207 I may actually go to california. 525 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,443 I'll follow you to the moon, baby. 526 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:15,046 ♪ in a big country, dreams stay with you 527 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:18,216 Adult adam: In the end, my parents realized all they could do 528 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:23,187 Was let us be who we wanted to be and just enjoy the ride. 529 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:26,157 ♪ stay alive 530 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,627 And we're rolling. 531 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,062 Alien dad. The sequel. 532 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,530 Okay, here's the backstory. 533 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,599 You're a space miner about to explore 534 00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,267 An alien vessel all by yourself. 535 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,337 By myself? An alien vessel? No, no, no, no. 536 00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,606 Let's just send in a dog or something. A dog? 537 00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,874 We'll give it a flashlight. Strap a camera on its back. 538 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,510 You're on a solo mission. There is no dog. 539 00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:49,447 Only a moron would go on a ship by himself. 540 00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:52,516 Well, you're going in there, so I guess you're a moron. 541 00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:53,651 How are things going in here? 542 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,586 He's refusing to go on the alien ship. 543 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,389 Murray, just go in the damn ship. 544 00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:00,625 Fine! I will go in the damn ship. 545 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,994 Good, 'cause now an alien attacks your face 546 00:21:02,996 --> 00:21:04,528 And implants an egg inside your belly. 547 00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:07,999 Well, that's exactly the reason I didn't want to go in. 548 00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,671 (bell dings) 549 00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,275 (bell dings) 550 00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:21,846 (bell dings)