1 00:00:00,667 --> 00:00:01,700 Adult adam: Back in the '80s, 2 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,169 You only had three options for birthday parties... 3 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,438 Roller skating, chuck e. Cheese, 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,640 Or seeing a wildly inappropriate movie 5 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:11,610 Because your parents didn't know any better. 6 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:12,711 And then... 7 00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:13,779 Everything changed! 8 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,447 We're playing laser tag tonight, people. 9 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,116 I know. It's gonna be awesome! 10 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:20,352 But you know what's gonna make it even more fun? 11 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,987 Protective cornea goggles. 12 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,990 No. No way. Why the hell do I need to protect my corneas? 13 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:29,495 Because sue nagleman's son lost his eye to a laser beam. 14 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,897 It wasn't a laser. It was a taser. 15 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:33,932 And you don't talk back to cops. 16 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,034 It's safe, mom. 17 00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:35,834 Laser tag's for little kids. 18 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:40,406 For your information, there are many adults that enjoy playing laser tag. 19 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:41,607 I admit, they look kind of weird 20 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,175 Waiting on that single-player bench, 21 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:46,478 With their desperate eyes just staring at you. 22 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,079 (sighs) 23 00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,714 Whatever! It's fun for everyone! 24 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,382 But mostly dorky, little kids. 25 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,184 Well, I'll never be a fan of lasers, 26 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,920 But my scrumptious, little snuggle monster 27 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,322 Gets whatever he wants on his birthday. 28 00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,425 I want you to stop calling me "snuggle monster". 29 00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:02,995 Can't give you that. But I can... Give you this. 30 00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:05,230 (singsong voice) it's present time! 31 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,733 What the heck is a sleeping angel book? 32 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:11,003 I've been taking pictures of you sleeping once a month 33 00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:14,006 Since you were born, my angel, and I made it into a book. 34 00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:16,708 If you flip through it, you can see how much your head has grown. 35 00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,511 Why does it say "sleeping angel part one"? 36 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,346 You'll find out when you go to college. 37 00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:22,548 Adult adam: While my mom gave gifts, 38 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,716 My dad had his own birthday tradition... 39 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:25,417 Forgetting. 40 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,053 Hey. My foot hurts. What's for breakfast? 41 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,089 Well, we're celebrating you-know-who 42 00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,825 With "a" shaped pancakes. 43 00:01:32,827 --> 00:01:34,093 "a"! 44 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,862 (chuckling) it almost slipped my mind. 45 00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:37,496 Al capone! 46 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:41,200 Geraldo rivera is opening up al capone's vault today 47 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,635 Live on television! 48 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:44,336 It's like my birthday. 49 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:47,039 Wow. Okay, murray. Stop playing around. 50 00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:48,674 You know what day it is. 51 00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,476 Yeah, of course. 52 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,910 It's, um... 53 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,445 Murray: Baby! 54 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,780 Baby out. 55 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:55,914 Baby day. 56 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,850 Baby... Birth. 57 00:01:57,852 --> 00:01:59,418 Baby rocking. 58 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,086 Birth day. 59 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:02,588 Birthday! 60 00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:03,522 My son... 61 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:07,226 Who is way more important than al capone. 62 00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,428 Daddy and I also got you that, didn't we, mur? 63 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:13,332 Yeah. Open it up. It's gonna blow your mind. 64 00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,633 I'm not much for surprises. 65 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,635 How about you tell me what you got me, mur? 66 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,070 Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a surprise. 67 00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:20,739 Tell me what you got me. It's a surprise. 68 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,574 Say it in words. 69 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,308 Um... 70 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,478 It's, uh, a... A dancing lady. 71 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,413 A, uh, dancing... 72 00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:33,352 An angry, dancing karate-monkey. 73 00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:34,820 Wow. 74 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,289 ♪ I'm twisted up inside 75 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:41,693 ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 76 00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:44,530 ♪ I don't know the future 77 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:48,333 ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ 78 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,536 Adult adam: It was mid-April, 1980-something. 79 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,005 I was still on an epic quest to get my first kiss 80 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:56,175 From my kinda/sorta/maybe girlfriend, dana caldwell. 81 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:59,378 Thankfully, my favorite afroed tv painter, bob ross, 82 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,613 Was there to break the tension. 83 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,049 I like the way he paints trees. 84 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,019 The best. You should see what he does with cottages. 85 00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:08,187 Bob ross: ...Indication here and there 86 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,122 Of some happy, little evergreen trees. 87 00:03:10,124 --> 00:03:12,958 Well, I should probably get going. 88 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:13,825 Oh. Okay. 89 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:16,828 So, I'll see you at laser tag? Yeah. 90 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,230 I hope I'm on your team. 91 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,899 I'll see what I can do, but no guarantees. 92 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:24,636 There's gonna be two captains. Could get complicated. 93 00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:27,940 So... Happy birthday? 94 00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:36,949 Up high? 95 00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,685 Adult adam: Sure, it wasn't my first kiss, 96 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:43,555 But this double wiggly high-five was just as good, 97 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:46,625 I tried to tell myself. 98 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,060 (door closes) 99 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:48,594 Pathetic, dude. 100 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,896 Oh, like you could do any better. 101 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:51,563 Hell yeah, I could! 102 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,700 Big tasty knows how to tame the booty with the beat. 103 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,535 You got to kiss her, bro! 104 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:57,569 I know! 105 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,037 Just... The timing hasn't been right. 106 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,473 I've been busy, she's been busy. 107 00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,774 Her family went to sarasota. 108 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,444 I had that cold and that spanish quiz. 109 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,813 Well, now the timing's right. 110 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:08,714 It's your birthday. 111 00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:11,516 Tonight, you got to throw a full-on make-out party. 112 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,851 A laser tag make-out party? 113 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,653 Logistically, how would that even work? 114 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:17,756 No laser tag! Just make-out party! 115 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,523 What am I? Scott baio? 116 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,759 I don't know how to throw a make-out party. 117 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,994 That's why you call... 118 00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:23,195 (imitates dialing) 119 00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:25,631 Barry's make-out parties. How can I help you? 120 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,533 Can you tell my brother he's a giant putz? 121 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:29,268 (sighs) 122 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:31,903 Okay, we turn the basement into a love den. 123 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,005 How? It's dark and dusty 124 00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:35,340 And smells like your old, sweaty hockey gear. 125 00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:38,510 Pheromones, bro! Ladies love it. 126 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,078 And we'll light some incense, 127 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,880 Then we'll deck it out with sexy accessories 128 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:46,084 Like moroccan pillows, lava lamps, and bongo drums. 129 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:46,885 I'm intrigued. Go on. 130 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,121 And we serve the sexiest foods. 131 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,156 Go on. Oysters. 132 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:51,990 Soft cheeses. 133 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,992 Go on. And onion dip. 134 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,727 Nothing crunchy. 135 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:56,728 Know why? 136 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,163 Crunchy isn't sexy. Wait. 137 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,732 How do you eat onion dip if you don't have anything... 138 00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:01,867 Spoons! 139 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:02,934 Spoons are sexy. 140 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,937 You obviously know what you're talking about. 141 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:06,638 But (sighs) 142 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,106 How do I get dana to kiss me? 143 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,742 Easy. Break the ice with games. 144 00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,011 Twister, truth or dare, 145 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,913 And the main event... 146 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,647 Seven minutes in heaven. 147 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,317 And you got to wear something seductive, so go to the mall, 148 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:21,119 And buy the first velour clothing you see. 149 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,755 That's the sexiest of all fabrics. 150 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,289 Velour. Got it. 151 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,224 Adult adam: I was so desperate for my first kiss 152 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,559 That barry was actually making sense. 153 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:31,196 Meanwhile, my dad was desperate to watch some "geraldo". 154 00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:32,964 (door closes) mmm! 155 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,232 Smells great in here! 156 00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:37,069 Yeah, I went to the south street italian market 157 00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:40,238 In honor of the opening of al capone's vault. 158 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,907 Truly, it's the most exciting thing to happen to me 159 00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:44,076 In the past 20 years. What about your kids? 160 00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:46,111 Oh, they're not gonna be here. Oh. 161 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,946 Adam's got a thing tonight. 162 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:48,914 A thing? 163 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,315 It's his birthday party. 164 00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:53,352 Tell me at least you remembered it this year. 165 00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:56,121 Ah. It's not whether or not I remembered. 166 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,390 It's whether he thinks I remembered. 167 00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,092 I don't think you remembered. 168 00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:01,860 There's the man I'm looking for. 169 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,896 Happy birthday, kiddo. 170 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:07,933 Holy god. 171 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,068 A digital pac-man watch? Do you like it? 172 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:13,505 Uh, it's a video game on my wrist! 173 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:14,506 I love it! 174 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,073 Thanks, pops. 175 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,909 You are the greatest man I've ever known. 176 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,812 Literally the greatest man. 177 00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:30,222 What was that all about? 178 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,157 Did you not give him a gift? 179 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,593 It's not whether I got him a gift, 180 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:38,130 It's whether he thinks I got him a gift. 181 00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:38,830 Adam: I don't! 182 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,066 Murray, you do this every year. 183 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,301 For once, just get him something! 184 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:47,038 Everybody knows that I'm not good at birthdays 185 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,075 Or giving gifts or remembering events. 186 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,243 It's my thing! 187 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,978 Well, you're missing out. 188 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:55,447 I mean, did you see the look on adam's face 189 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:58,950 When I gave him that puckm'n watch thing? 190 00:06:58,952 --> 00:06:59,384 Pure joy! 191 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,887 That's why we should say the watch is from both of us. 192 00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:05,290 Just go get the kid a damn gift already! 193 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,560 Adult adam: While my dad had to suck it up and get me a gift, 194 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:09,494 I was about to hurt my mom 195 00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:13,064 Worse than having all her leg hair yanked out by an epilady. 196 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,200 Whoops! Ooh, I'll come back. 197 00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:15,901 No, it's fine, boopie. 198 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,737 (buzzing) good. 'cause I was thinking, 199 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:19,504 Instead of laser tag, 200 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:24,009 Maybe me and my friends could hang out in the basement and watch "ghostbusters". 201 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,178 What? I'm not canceling laser tag. 202 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:28,780 (buzzing stops) they wanted a $100 deposit 203 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,048 Until I yelled at the guy to waive it. 204 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,784 I know it's last minute, but I really want this. 205 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,987 I guess I could make a "ghostbusters" cake. 206 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:39,057 Yeah... I'm also thinking no cake. 207 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,425 No cake? No cake. 208 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,226 No cake? No cake. 209 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:45,263 If there's no cake, then I can't hug you and sing "happy birthday". 210 00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,031 Which works out well, 211 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:49,601 'cause I'm also thinking no song and... No you. 212 00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,636 Then I wouldn't be there. Uh-huh. 213 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,304 I have to be there. 214 00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:55,574 Look, starting with this birthday, everything changes. 215 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,275 I'm like an adult now. But... 216 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,411 This is my special day. 217 00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:00,178 (sighs) please, mama? 218 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,880 Adult adam: I only pulled out the "mama" 219 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,348 When it was absolutely necessary, 220 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:07,219 And when I did, she was putty in my hands. 221 00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:09,087 Okay, fine. 222 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:14,693 Sad, boring, cakeless, songless, momless basement party it is. 223 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,629 Adult adam: With my mother successfully neutralized, 224 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,064 My make-out bash was a go. 225 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,700 I scored everything on barry's sexy checklist, 226 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,069 Right down to the velour shirt. 227 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,571 And that last smooth soul jam 228 00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:30,175 Was dedicated to all you lovers in the crowd. 229 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,011 You know who you are. 230 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,747 Why is he nodding at us? 231 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,282 No idea. 232 00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,718 Stop nodding at us! 233 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,989 Adult adam: Turns out, make-out parties are awesome in theory, 234 00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:46,157 But awkward in reality. 235 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,860 Next up is twister, y'all! 236 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:49,494 Hope you stretched, 237 00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:53,798 'cause it's about to get real bendy in here. 238 00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:57,536 So, um, what happened to laser tag? 239 00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,539 I just thought this might be more fun. 240 00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:01,873 Oyster? Mmm. 241 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:05,443 Soft cheese? Oh, wow. That's really stinky. 242 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,078 You know it. 243 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,648 (cheese thuds) check this out. 244 00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:12,017 Moroccan pillow. 245 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,120 Boop! 246 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:18,089 Oh, it's hard. Sorry. 247 00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:21,092 Adult adam: And with that, the best night of my life 248 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:26,364 Had officially become a kissless, velour nightmare. 249 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,602 Amazingly, my mom took my momless party in stride. 250 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:31,269 This is madness. 251 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,370 Adult adam: Or not. 252 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,673 I mean, what boy wants a basement party? 253 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:39,711 There's no pin the tail on the donkey, no balloons, no cake. 254 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:40,712 You know what? Screw it. 255 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:43,815 Give me the phone book. I'm calling a (bleep) clown. 256 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,584 No! Stop! 257 00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:46,818 No clown. 258 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,553 I know my son. 259 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,789 He needs me down there. 260 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,357 I can literally feel him call me 261 00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:56,127 To bring him this festive platter of bagel bites. 262 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,829 You promised adam. 263 00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,532 I'll bring him the stupid bagel bites. 264 00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,134 Gimme. 265 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,135 You stay put. 266 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,737 Adult adam: The last thing erica wanted 267 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,640 Was for my overbearing smother to ruin my party. 268 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,710 But then she saw the soft, pink mood lighting... 269 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,813 ...And the gooey, sexy foods? 270 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:15,914 And chachi! 271 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:19,351 And just like that, my sister went into full mom mode. 272 00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,453 What the hell is happening here? 273 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,489 Looks like a love dungeon in a serial killer's house. 274 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,726 It's a make-out party, and I got to say, bagel bites? 275 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,694 Not sexy. Get 'em out of here. 276 00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:31,963 'sup, erica? Didn't know you'd be here. 277 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,433 Okay, get your body away from me, dave kim. 278 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:39,738 Seriously? This whole thing is upsetting and wrong. 279 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,672 And it has to stop right now. 280 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:44,442 Okay, this is all I could find for spin the bottle, but it's completely full. 281 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:47,145 Barry to the rescue. I'll take it down. 282 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,813 My body loves calcium. 283 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,416 Adult adam: That day, my brother found out the hard way 284 00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,252 It's physically impossible to drink that much milk. 285 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:57,122 (sighs) is this from a cow? 286 00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:58,990 Why is it so hard? 287 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,627 (exhales sharply) 288 00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:04,629 My body says no, but... 289 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,599 I'm gonna do this for you guys. 290 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:08,867 Erica: Are you kidding me? 291 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:12,103 Spin the bottle, mood lighting, and velour? 292 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:12,704 This isn't you. 293 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,372 Can we talk about this later? 294 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,676 You're kind of giving off a... Mom vibe. 295 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,611 I am not mom! 296 00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:21,479 I will never be mom! 297 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,247 Now, take these bagel bites 298 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,816 And blow on them three times or they'll scald your little mouth, 299 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,685 And get away from me, dave kim! 300 00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:31,022 Okay. I'm gonna need you to leave my party. 301 00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:32,557 Oh! 302 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,158 Oh, I'm leaving. 303 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,795 I'll go up there and tell mom all about your creepy freak fest. 304 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,196 Hold on. 305 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,998 You win, okay? 306 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,132 At least let me tell her. 307 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:45,770 And it's just I thought I knew what kind of party I wanted. 308 00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:46,771 (sighs) 309 00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:47,939 But I realize now... 310 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,275 What is it, honey? I really want a cake! 311 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,110 Something that reminds me of my childhood. 312 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:56,848 It would make me so happy, but now it's too late... 313 00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:58,850 Mama. (pan clangs) 314 00:11:58,852 --> 00:11:59,884 Oh! 315 00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:00,518 Mama's here, baby. 316 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,587 Mama's going to the store right now. 317 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:05,623 Mama will be back in 20 minutes. 318 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:06,958 Wait. Mom! 319 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,126 Out of my way! 320 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,260 I... I want bert and ernie! 321 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,063 Anything for my birthday boy. 322 00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:13,531 (door closes) 323 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,500 Well, that was good. 324 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,468 But you leave me no choice. 325 00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:19,337 When mom gets back, I'm gonna tell her everything. 326 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,338 Oh, I don't think so. 327 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,575 Unless you want her to hear what happened at the winter formal. 328 00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:26,544 What? And when you were on that ski trip. 329 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,580 What? Three words... 330 00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,848 South padre island. 331 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,684 What? I have been the coolest little brother in the world 332 00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:36,421 Until now. You keep my secret, I'll keep yours. 333 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,456 Now, do we understand each other? 334 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,491 Yes! Good. 335 00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:42,026 Adult adam: While my sister was trying to figure out a way 336 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:42,594 To end my party, 337 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:46,865 Barry was doing all he could to keep it chugging along. 338 00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:49,434 Are you almost done? 339 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,437 People are starting to lose interest in spin the bottle. 340 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,404 (sighs) I'm trying! 341 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,939 Son of a bitch! This thing is bottomless! 342 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,275 (electronic gunfire) that bottle wasn't the only thing bottomless. 343 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,377 Murray: Pew! Pew! Just then, my dad decided to pick 344 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:03,348 The worst moment to finally give me my birthday gift. 345 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,316 Where's the man of the hour? 346 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:08,486 Dad, what the hell? You're not wearing any pants! 347 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,555 Oh, they know how it works around here. 348 00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,323 Murray: You notice anything else? 349 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:13,725 (electronic gunfire) 350 00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:14,292 Laser tag! 351 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,161 I bought a bunch for you and your friends. 352 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,730 Yeah. Great. Now please leave. 353 00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:21,232 I just went and bought you 354 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,535 The thing you wanted most in the world. 355 00:13:23,537 --> 00:13:24,402 (electronic gunshot) 356 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,304 You could at least give me a thumbs-up, 357 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,339 A thank-you, a look of appreciation. 358 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:31,242 Happy? That's a fake smile, and you know it. 359 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,045 It's not a fake smile. It's got teeth and everything. 360 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:34,879 I hate that smile! 361 00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:37,749 I don't even like laser tag, okay? 362 00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,717 Want to get me a present? 363 00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,252 Go. 364 00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:45,123 My dad finally bought me a gift from the heart, 365 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,524 And I flat-out rejected him. 366 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,993 I was sacrificing everything for that kiss, 367 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,329 And nothing would stop me. 368 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,564 (gags) 369 00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:54,199 Hah! Hah! It burns! 370 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,434 (sighs) can I get some milk? 371 00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:58,002 (exhales sharply) 372 00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,470 Seriously! 373 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:00,638 Now you ask me? 374 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,140 You're unb... (belches) 375 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:05,643 I got to go. I got to go. 376 00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:09,881 I had neutralized erica with threats 377 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,815 And my mother with cake, 378 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:14,385 But I knew that wasn't gonna hold them off forever. 379 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,153 Is the cake ready yet? 380 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,655 I mean, how much more baking do you need to do already? 381 00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:20,792 Get off my back, erica. I'm a mother, not a pastry chef. 382 00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:23,361 Beverly: Ugh. This looks like "sloth" from "the goonies". 383 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:27,699 Why is it so hard to make an oblong bert head? 384 00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,001 No, no, no, no! Don't start over! 385 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,570 (scoffs) just go downstairs right now 386 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,405 And see what's going on, okay? 387 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,707 No, I can't barge in. 388 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,308 What do you mean you can't barge in? 389 00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,176 That's all you do! 390 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,945 I finally made some headway with adam. 391 00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,580 He asked for a cake. 392 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,348 If I play my cards right, 393 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:47,185 I can get some huggies when we sing "happy birthday"! (chuckles) 394 00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:50,121 Mom, do you remember the time that you snuck in the basement 395 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,289 And spied on me and lainey 396 00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,824 Drinking mango madness wine coolers 397 00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:54,859 And then grounded me for two months? 398 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:55,727 Yes. That was a good day. 399 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,330 Okay, well, I need you to go downstairs. 400 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,999 And just in case adam does mention 401 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,569 Something about south padre island, he's a liar. 402 00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:06,504 And I'm sorry. 403 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,240 Adult adam: While my meddling smother plotted her next move, 404 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,844 The plot thickened outside al capone's vault. 405 00:15:12,846 --> 00:15:14,612 Geraldo rivera: ...The real secret tunnel. 406 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:15,346 I can't believe it. 407 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,783 That little moron ruined al capone's vault for me. 408 00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:19,517 Stop it, murray. 409 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,420 In 10 minutes, he's gonna blow open that vault 410 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,223 And with it, our minds. 411 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,491 How am I supposed to enjoy it? 412 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,526 I don't buy adam a gift, he's pissed at me. 413 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,995 I buy him a gift, he's even more pissed at me. 414 00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:31,562 I can't win. 415 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,665 Erica: Our baby grew up so fast, didn't he? 416 00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:37,502 It's, like, one minute, he's this little, four-eyed dork. 417 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,570 Then you blink, and he's a man. 418 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,140 A man with needs. 419 00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,408 What's happening? 420 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:46,911 I miss that little lovebug. That's what's happening. 421 00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:47,845 Oh, my god. I am mom! 422 00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:51,316 You are, and I got to tell you, it's a real downer. 423 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:54,585 You know how many gifts my dad bought me growing up? 424 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:55,119 Zero. 425 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,355 That's all I got from that man... Nothing. 426 00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:00,058 Do you think it hurt? Damn right, it hurt. 427 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:00,758 Oh, my god! 428 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,127 Why are you coming to terms with this now? 429 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,762 They're about to blow the safe! 430 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:07,565 See, that's why I don't give gifts. It's all a sham. 431 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,734 I wish we could just stop time, you know? 432 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:12,270 And keep him our special, little boy forever. 433 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,138 Okay. That's it. 434 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,007 I'm watching tv upstairs. 435 00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:16,908 No one follow me. 436 00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:19,777 Adult adam: While my dad and sister were having a breakdown, 437 00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:23,548 My mom was plotting a break-in. 438 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:28,987 My god, she was like a silent, manicured, nosy ninja. 439 00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:31,990 Smooth move, adam. 440 00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:34,158 It's not my fault. It's too big a bottle. 441 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,060 It's meant for milk, not spinning. 442 00:16:36,062 --> 00:16:38,029 Maybe we should just go. 443 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:39,831 No! (chuckles nervously) 444 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:40,698 Don't go. 445 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,301 How about, uh, seven minutes in heaven? 446 00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:44,202 Girl: Yeah. Boy: Yeah. 447 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,838 It's your birthday, dude, so you pick first. 448 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,873 This kiss was my al capone's vault. 449 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:54,278 The buildup was excruciating, and it was finally time to get it over with. 450 00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,748 Dana, I guess? 451 00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:57,715 Um... Okay. 452 00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,718 Even though my big moment was here, 453 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,419 I was blissfully unaware 454 00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:05,723 That the other woman in my life had crashed my party. 455 00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,364 (beeping) 456 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:17,468 Are you playing pac-man? 457 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,337 No, I... I'm trying to set the timer. 458 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,406 The directions are in japanese. 459 00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:24,242 It's very complicated. Oh. 460 00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,411 There we go. 461 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,679 We're on the clock. 462 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,150 Are you sweating? 463 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,919 It's the velour shirt. It doesn't breathe. 464 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:37,188 It reminds me of my nana's robe. 465 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,890 (chuckles) 466 00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:43,561 Adam: So... We got 6:38 left. 467 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,595 What are you thinking? 468 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:48,266 I guess we could, um, you know. 469 00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:53,304 Okay. Let's... You know. 470 00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:55,473 (beverly snorting) 471 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:56,541 What's wrong? 472 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,342 Me? I thought that was you. 473 00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:00,078 Uh... 474 00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:02,980 Hi, poopie. 475 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:03,681 Oh, my god. Hey, dana. 476 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,784 Oh, my god! Wow. That is an adorable dress. 477 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:07,385 (gasps) 478 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,320 I was just seeing if the ski boots 479 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,823 Were all where they're supposed to be, and, uh 480 00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,559 (clicks tongue) they are. 481 00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:16,661 Dana! 482 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,262 I don't want to talk to you. 483 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:19,130 Wait. Just give me a sec. 484 00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:21,265 Your mom was in our seven minutes in heaven! 485 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,302 I'm sorry. This whole thing has been a complete disaster. 486 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,937 Why'd you even throw this stupid party? 487 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,472 What was wrong with laser tag? 488 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,507 Nothing! I love laser tag. 489 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:32,677 Then why didn't we just play laser tag? 490 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:33,444 You big idiot. 491 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,546 (just like heaven playing) 492 00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,749 You're right. I am an idiot. 493 00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:41,652 Let's just play laser tag. 494 00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:42,653 (electronic gunfire) 495 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,554 (children shouting playfully) 496 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,858 That night, my worst birthday ever became the best. 497 00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:48,326 Yeah, we all wanted that first kiss, 498 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,460 But for one more night, 499 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:53,164 We were all happy to keep on being kids. 500 00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:55,900 What a little dork. 501 00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:57,702 Thank god. 502 00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:58,703 Dad! 503 00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,304 (electronic gunshot) 504 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,239 Best gift ever! 505 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,840 Albert: See that smile? 506 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:06,444 That's it! That's the look! 507 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:10,248 Come on. Let's go see that handsome devil open that vault. 508 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,817 Oh, just tell me what happens. 509 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,585 (electronic gunfire) 510 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,687 (music continues) 511 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,724 It seems, at least up to now, 512 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:20,892 That we've struck out with the vault. 513 00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:22,927 I'm disappointed about that, as I'm sure you are. 514 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,197 Adult adam: Turns out, al capone's vault was empty. 515 00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:29,000 All that buildup and no payoff. 516 00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:32,036 Poor mustachioed bastard. 517 00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:34,572 Hi. 518 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,307 We're just taking a break. 519 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,742 Oh. I just finished the cake. 520 00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:41,078 It's terrible, isn't it? I should just start over. 521 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,281 No! I love it. 522 00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:48,119 Let's eat. Happy birthday, snuggle monster. 523 00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:50,688 Thanks, mama. 524 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,691 ♪ you're just like a dream 525 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,627 ♪ you're just like a dream 526 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,062 There's too many of them. 527 00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,665 You run, I'll cover you. 528 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,634 (electronic gunfire) 529 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,336 Gotcha! 530 00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,471 (distorted) no! 531 00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:09,840 (electronic warbling) 532 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,076 You saved me. 533 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,878 I... Guess I did. 534 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,480 ♪ I opened up my eyes 535 00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:19,417 ♪ I found myself alone, alone 536 00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:22,119 ♪ alone above a raging sea 537 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:26,424 ♪ that stole the only girl I loved 538 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:27,124 ♪ and drowned her... 539 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,026 Adult adam: Even though al capone's vault may have been a complete letdown, 540 00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:34,131 Some things in life are as amazing as you'd hoped they'd be. 541 00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:40,938 (ding) 542 00:20:41,206 --> 00:20:43,241 (ding) 543 00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,243 Adam: Who should I kiss? 544 00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,477 Boy: Come on, adam! 545 00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,913 She's not gonna let me kiss... 546 00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:50,681 Okay. 547 00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,650 As student council treasurer, 548 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,352 We should go over the budget first, 549 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,020 And then, if we have time, talk bake sale. 550 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,189 Why exactly are we meeting down here? 551 00:20:58,191 --> 00:20:59,457 No reason. 552 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,626 Soft cheese? Oyster? 553 00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:03,160 Not you, sanjeev. 554 00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,629 Let's begin, shall we? 555 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,364 Unfortunately, there's no chairs, 556 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:10,101 So we're gonna have to sit in a circle on the floor. 557 00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:13,704 Oh! Look! 558 00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,774 A bottle! Here's a crazy idea. 559 00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,376 Spin the bottle! 560 00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:20,378 I'll go first. 561 00:21:23,482 --> 00:21:25,182 Bagel bites?