1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,434 Adult adam: The school play... 2 00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:03,335 That time-honored tradition 3 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,571 Where a young, budding performer can walk the boards 4 00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:08,674 And feel the hot spotlight on their face. 5 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,142 Sure, the sets were flimsy 6 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:10,843 And the costumes cheap, 7 00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,012 But to us, it might as well have been broadway. 8 00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:16,782 And I wanted nothing more than to be a part of it. 9 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,517 Jesus christ superstar! 10 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:23,122 (gasps) the school is literally doing my favorite musical! 11 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,056 It's fate! 12 00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,325 You're gonna become a musical-theater actor! 13 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,827 That's every mother's dream for her son! 14 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,562 This is perfect. I know every part. 15 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:33,432 The question is, which one do I audition for? 16 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,934 There is only one role suitable 17 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,204 For my talented, delicious little boy. 18 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,840 My baby...Is jesus. 19 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,642 Mmm. Yeah, that's a pretty demanding part. 20 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:47,312 Maybe adam would be more comfortable playing something like... 21 00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:47,980 Get... 22 00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:49,448 Get out of here! Hey! 23 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:53,052 Filling his head with doubt and stupid ideas! 24 00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:54,319 I don't know, mom. 25 00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,789 It... It really is a tough part, 26 00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:58,157 And I'm always in the chorus. 27 00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:02,194 Boopie, I've heard you sing in the shower, mm-kay? 28 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,529 Not just heard... 29 00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:04,463 Listened. 30 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:05,898 Not just listened... 31 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:06,565 Taped. 32 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,866 And sent to star search. 33 00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:10,669 I got to call them back. I haven't heard from ed mcmahon. 34 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,905 I'll just drop him a line, see what's up. 35 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,073 My baby is a star! 36 00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:16,108 Adult adam: Who was I to argue with beverly goldberg? 37 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:20,913 I took her advice and auditioned for the big j. 38 00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:23,916 ¶ try not to get worried 39 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:25,717 ¶ try not to turn on to... 40 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,986 ¶ problems that upset you... 41 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,289 ¶ oh, don't you know... 42 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,824 ¶ everything's all right 43 00:01:31,826 --> 00:01:33,225 ¶ yes, everything's fine 44 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:36,929 ¶ we want you to sleep well tonight ¶ 45 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:38,730 Can I start over, please? 46 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,132 ¶ and if you try, we'll get... 47 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:43,135 ¶ by... So forget all about us... 48 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:43,802 ¶ tonight 49 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,304 ¶ yes, everything's all right 50 00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:49,141 ¶ yes, everything's all right, yes ¶ 51 00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:50,809 Well done, mr. Goldberg. 52 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,611 You've really improved since last year. 53 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,379 (dramatic music) 54 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:59,284 Oh, god. The cast list is up. 55 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,386 Relax. You always get the lead. 56 00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,221 Man, how are you so calm? 57 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:05,891 Eh, miss cinoman kind of implied that I blew her mind, whatever. 58 00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:07,359 All I know is, there's a good chance 59 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:10,596 That I'm gonna be the jesus to your mary. 60 00:02:10,763 --> 00:02:13,665 Adult adam: It was that classic moment we've all been through, 61 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,100 Whether it was for sports or theater. 62 00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:19,404 We've all stood in front of a list to find out, 63 00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:20,606 "did I make the cut?" 64 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,541 (gasps) you were right! I'm mary magdalene! 65 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,909 Adult adam: I was praying my name would be 66 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,045 Somewhere at the top of the list. 67 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:28,614 Oh, god, no! 68 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,649 Not the dreaded second page! 69 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,386 Yes, I'm jesus! Son of god, baby! 70 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,420 Oh, that's great. 71 00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,923 Um, who did you get, adam? 72 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:41,093 Uh, I... I'll be right back. 73 00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:42,861 Adam: Miss cinoman! 74 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,430 I... I think there's been some kind of mistake 75 00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,733 Because I'm pretty familiar with the musical, 76 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,568 And there is no todd the apostle. 77 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,437 Oh, there's no darnell the apostle, either. 78 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:53,639 But there was such a large turnout, 79 00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,308 I took the liberty of expanding jesus' followers 80 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,009 From 12 to 30. 81 00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,278 30? You can't fit that many people at the last supper. 82 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,881 Oh, yeah, there's gonna be another smaller table, off to the side. 83 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,083 I'm at the kids' table at the last supper? 84 00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,953 I'm sorry. There was a lot of competition this year. 85 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:12,491 Remember, there are no small parts, only small actors. 86 00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:14,026 But there are small parts! 87 00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,561 Very small! Like todd! 88 00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:18,530 Do not let your heart be troubled, my child. 89 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,465 Trust...In me. 90 00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:21,833 This putz? 91 00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,102 You made this putz jesus? 92 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:24,503 Unreal! 93 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:27,706 Adult adam: Yep, I was once again shoved into the background. 94 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,642 It was the biggest heartbreak of my young life. 95 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,277 ¶ everything's all right, yes 96 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,079 ¶ everything's fine ¶ beverly: Boopie? 97 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:37,683 (sniffles) I've been calling. Meatloaf's ready. 98 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,518 Are you crying? 99 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,819 No. 100 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:41,653 Who hurt you? 101 00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,989 Tell me and I will hurt them tenfold. 102 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,157 (sobbing) 103 00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:46,725 I didn't get jesus! 104 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,726 I'm a random apostle, 105 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:51,697 And I'm so sad 'cause I'm not good enough! 106 00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,632 I'm gonna ask you a question 107 00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:57,102 That you need to answer with complete honesty. 108 00:03:57,537 --> 00:04:01,273 Is there a world in which you are not 109 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:05,177 The most deserving child for this role? 110 00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:06,678 There is no such world. 111 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,114 Honey, I can get involved. 112 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:12,751 I want to get involved. 113 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,953 But I need to know that's what you want. 114 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,055 Adult adam: Usually, when my mother wanted to mix in, 115 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,957 I'd push her away as far as possible. 116 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,593 This was not one of those times. 117 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,730 Do it, mama. Make me jesus. 118 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,665 ¶ I'm twisted up inside 119 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:31,970 ¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 120 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,039 ¶ I don't know the future 121 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:37,209 ¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶ 122 00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:38,277 (car horns honking) ah! Come on! 123 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,045 Adult adam: It was December 8th, 1980-something... 124 00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,447 (screaming) ...And my dad was driving home from work. 125 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,582 And battling his mortal enemy... 126 00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,784 Green light, people! ...Traffic. 127 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,886 Green light! Why aren't you moving? 128 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,755 Son of a... (screaming) 129 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,290 You're letting him in? 130 00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:52,524 He's part of a funeral! 131 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,725 That could be a hundred cars! 132 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:57,796 What kind of crossing guard crosses one kid at a time? 133 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,597 (guard blowing whistle) 134 00:04:58,599 --> 00:04:59,965 You got to group 'em and herd 'em! 135 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:03,602 Adult adam: Traffic even came before his favorite thing in the world... 136 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,003 Hockey. Ho, ho, ho, ho! 137 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,638 Best game I've ever been to. 138 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,406 Best game hands down. 139 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:10,876 Crowd: (chanting) let's go, flyers, let's go! 140 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,179 Let's go, flyers, let's go! 141 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,514 Let's go, flyers... 142 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,381 Let's go. What? 143 00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:19,117 There's 10 minutes left! It's a tie game. We got to stay! 144 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:19,885 Uh-uh. When the game ends, 145 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,186 We'll be stuck in the parking lot for six hours! 146 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,788 Let's go! Adult adam: That's right. 147 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:26,358 No one in our family had ever seen the end of a game, concert, or show... 148 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,559 Will you just move your leg? 149 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,661 Adult adam: Not when my father had traffic to beat. 150 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,230 29 minutes, door-to-door! 151 00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:34,066 A brand-new record! 152 00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:35,967 My god, am I jealous of you two! 153 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,571 Ron hextall scores the final goal! 154 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,806 Who would've figured that? 155 00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:44,109 Hextall? No, he's the goalie. 156 00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:45,344 Goalies can't score. 157 00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:46,078 That's what I thought! 158 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,613 The first time in nhl history, 159 00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,515 And you guys were there! 160 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,184 He's wrong. Goalies can't score. 161 00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:56,054 Man: And that's the replay of the greatest goal in hockey history. 162 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,957 It's one of those moments that makes you feel lucky to be alive. 163 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,826 Huh. Goalies can score. 164 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:02,027 You! 165 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,462 Really? You're gonna make a thing out of this? 166 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,098 You made me miss the greatest moment of my life! 167 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:10,302 And for what? Traffic? It isn't that bad! 168 00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:11,436 Stop right there! 169 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,271 You should be thanking me. 170 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:14,606 Thanking you? For what? 171 00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,042 You don't know the traffic that I've seen! 172 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,911 Miles of cars lined up for hours, 173 00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,012 Horns blaring! 174 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,247 I know what traffic is! 175 00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,216 Grown men with their shirts off 176 00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,985 Walking around 'cause it's so damn hot! 177 00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,588 An ac's not meant to run that long. 178 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,489 It's not! 179 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,923 It's hockey season! 180 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:32,491 It's cold outside! 181 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:34,793 No one gets shirtless! You want to know something? 182 00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:35,527 If I could, 183 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:38,897 I'd go back in time and do it all over again. 184 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,732 As a matter of fact, I'd leave earlier! 185 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,168 That's what you'd do with a time machine? 186 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,604 You'd go back and miss traffic? 187 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:47,472 You wouldn't help people? 188 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:48,907 Save president lincoln? 189 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,008 Oh, I'd help abe! 190 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:50,709 I'd go to the theater, 191 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,111 I'd say, "hey, man, you ought to leave early tonight. 192 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,714 "traffic's horrible! Trust me!" 193 00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,115 Boom! Just saved his life! 194 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,518 Adult adam: While my dad was sticking to his guns, 195 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,121 My mom was in the principal's office with hers blazing. 196 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,589 She stormed into my drama class, 197 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,258 Ranting at me like a crazy person. 198 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:10,462 We had to do a 45-minute massage train just to calm me down. 199 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,263 Well, that's on you. 200 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,697 I mean, you wouldn't know a good jesus 201 00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,833 If he walked right in here and punched you in the face. 202 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,435 Ball: Okay. 203 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:20,372 I'm glad to see that we're all calm now. 204 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,841 Some...Ugly things were said. 205 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,009 (scoffs) 206 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,010 And done. 207 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,411 Mostly by mrs. Goldberg. 208 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,212 Look, I am sorry. 209 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:30,682 Adam is very enthusiastic, and he works so hard. 210 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:34,486 He's just not as skilled as like, say, dave kim. 211 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,822 If I may, I just have one question. 212 00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,957 Are you (bleep) kidding me? 213 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,158 Whoa, whoa! Cinoman: Hey! 214 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,227 Out of line! Ball: Mrs. Goldberg. 215 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,895 Mrs. Goldberg, this is a school. 216 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,363 We can't speak like that. 217 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:46,264 Well, hear this. 218 00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:51,336 My son will be starring in his own school musical. 219 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,437 His what? 220 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:53,438 What does that even mean? 221 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,706 (mockingly) "what does that even mean?" 222 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:55,774 That's how you sound. (exclaims) 223 00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:59,411 It means adam will be putting on a rival play. 224 00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:02,214 Yeah, well... Well, here's the thing. 225 00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:03,748 This is junior-high theater, 226 00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:06,084 And we have a budget for one play, 227 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,420 And even that's a struggle to fill seats. 228 00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:09,821 Tell me something, earl. 229 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,157 Uh, how's your wife? 230 00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,160 She's fine. 231 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,261 Lovely woman. 232 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,329 Pam, is it? 233 00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,798 Remind me again how you two got together. 234 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,400 Well, you knew her from jazzercise class. 235 00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,769 You introduced us. 236 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,137 Did I, now? 237 00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:26,872 Oh. 238 00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,106 And how was the wedding? 239 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:28,840 You were at the wedding. 240 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,943 You made a speech, even though nobody asked you to. 241 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,278 Well, from what I remember, 242 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,379 That was the night you said, 243 00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,214 "how can I ever repay you?" 244 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:39,851 And I said, "one day, I will come to you, 245 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,186 "and I will ask you for a favor." 246 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:45,423 And you said, "but of course, beverly. 247 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,425 "but of course." 248 00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:50,362 That day is today. 249 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,397 What's going on? 250 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,700 Adam is starring in a rival play. 251 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,539 I'm home! 252 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:01,206 Come on, murray! 253 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:04,442 A very special love boat is almost on! 254 00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:07,112 They're docking at fantasy island! 255 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,013 They're crossing over! 256 00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,215 Oh, my god! That's unprecedented! 257 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,484 (panting) all right. 258 00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:13,985 Gimme the remote. 259 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:14,719 What? I thought you had it. 260 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,321 I just came in the door! Why would I have a remote? 261 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,523 I... I don't know. I figured you took it to work. 262 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:19,958 Why would I take the remote to work? 263 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,394 Who the hell knows? You're a quirky guy. 264 00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:25,730 Fine. I'll use my hand like an animal. 265 00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:27,599 Where's the knob? 266 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:30,268 Do you mean this knob? 267 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,236 I'm so sorry. 268 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,505 Are you missing something historical? 269 00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:34,906 Perhaps a crossover event 270 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,008 Of your two favorite shows that you'll never see, 271 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,044 And it will haunt you for the rest of your life? 272 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,445 Gimme the knob. No. 273 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:41,179 Gimme the knob! No. No. 274 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,014 Gimme the knob! Gimme the knob! No. No. 275 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,416 (shouting) gimme the knob! 276 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:45,083 No. No. No. 277 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,651 You took something I love. 278 00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:47,819 Now I'm taking something you love. 279 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:51,389 Well, what about me? I'm just an innocent bystander! 280 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,425 Sorry, pops. Wrong place, wrong time. 281 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,627 But I got to see this show. 282 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:59,197 Tattoo and gopher in the same room. 283 00:09:59,199 --> 00:09:59,831 How's that gonna end? 284 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,667 You are grounded, moron. Six months! 285 00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:05,103 Fine! I'm never going to a hockey game with you again. 286 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:09,040 But you... You can't do that. Hockey's our thing. 287 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:09,908 Not anymore. 288 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:10,642 Gimme the knob. No. 289 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,444 Gimme the knob. Gimme the knob. No. No. No. 290 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,646 (shouting) gimme the knob! Fine! 291 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,314 Adult adam: So, my dad finally got the remote, 292 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:20,151 But he lost his favorite thing to do with his son. 293 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,454 Forever. (television clicks) 294 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,923 Adam: I can't believe I'm doing a rival play! 295 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:27,392 Now the question is, what's our show? 296 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,660 (stammering) it's got to be big. 297 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:29,361 Bigger than jesus. 298 00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:31,029 Music man? (scoffs) yawn. 299 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:31,930 Guys and dolls? Seen it. 300 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:34,532 Phantom? You want to cover half of this face? 301 00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:35,900 Wait! What? 302 00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:37,502 It's so obvious. 303 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,637 Who wants to waste their evening 304 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:41,840 Sitting through a silly musical about bible times 305 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,109 When they can go to the future? 306 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:44,643 The future. 307 00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:48,513 Our musical is going to be an experience of sight and sound 308 00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:51,916 With actors not in common shoes, 309 00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,351 But roller skates, 310 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,787 A story not about people, 311 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,889 Something bigger. 312 00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,424 Trains. Trains. 313 00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,393 Starlight express! 314 00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:02,293 (gasps) 315 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:02,994 (screaming) 316 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,996 (stammering) look at my arm! Ooh. 317 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,631 Goosebumps. Ooh! 318 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:07,165 (both laughing) 319 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,534 All right! Well, all we need is a cast. 320 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:13,238 Actually, I know a mighty talented girl named dana 321 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,241 Who'd follow me to the ends of the earth. 322 00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,109 Uh, no. 323 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:19,210 We need to keep looking. 324 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,612 Well, we don't have a lot of options 325 00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:22,981 When it comes to leading ladies. 326 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:26,051 I suppose I could maybe be the one to... 327 00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,052 You cannot. 328 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:29,054 This is a show for children. 329 00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,622 Got it. 330 00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:33,358 (sighs) well, if it can't be me... 331 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,294 And I think we've ruled that out. 332 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,029 We have. Right. 333 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,466 How about the closest thing to me? 334 00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:43,601 (screams) 335 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,636 Hello, daughter. Have a seat. 336 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:49,107 I just happened to be digging around in your closet, 337 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,909 And guess what I found. 338 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,210 Three beers, 339 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,078 A fake id, 340 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,145 And sick notes for school 341 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,114 That I don't remember writing. 342 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:59,718 There is a simple explanation for all of that. 343 00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:02,120 I just need half an hour to collect my thoughts. 344 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,823 Perhaps there's a world where I could overlook all this. 345 00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:08,326 Really? I can give you a pass this time. 346 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,461 Just know that one day, 347 00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:12,931 I will come to you and ask you for a favor. 348 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,599 Yeah, great. That's totally fair. 349 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,201 And that day is right now. 350 00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,903 Adult adam: While my mom was forcing erica to do the musical, 351 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:23,341 My dad had forced pops to replace barry. 352 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,677 You're crowding me. Come on, man. 353 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:28,179 Your... Your jacket's puffing into my side. 354 00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,548 So what? It's cold as hell in here. 355 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:33,785 You think you can get them to turn the heat on? 356 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:37,088 No! There's a huge block of ice out there! 357 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,358 Ugh! What's that terrible smell? 358 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,025 What are you eating? 359 00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:43,862 I made myself a whitefish-salad sandwich. 360 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:44,996 Well, it's wafting! 361 00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:47,365 Barry and I get hot dogs because they don't waft! 362 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:51,136 You know, I don't think this is about the whitefish 363 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,704 Or this giant thermos 364 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:54,539 Of borscht I'm about to open. 365 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:58,343 I think this is about barry. 366 00:12:58,345 --> 00:12:59,144 Oh, please. It is not. 367 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:02,247 It's obvious you want to be here with him. 368 00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:02,781 (sighs) 369 00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:06,384 Well, I... I do miss the moron a little. 370 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,385 Hockey was our thing. 371 00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:10,622 Then just sit in traffic already. 372 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:11,956 It's that simple. 373 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,691 Traffic is non-negotiable. 374 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:17,195 Murray, sometimes you have to do things you hate 375 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,131 For the people that you love. I know. 376 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,934 Like how I'm here with you now. 377 00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:27,772 Adult adam: As much as my dad hated the sweet stink of borscht... 378 00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:28,506 Oh! Oh, that smell. 379 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,976 He was still too stubborn to give in. 380 00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:34,579 Welcome to the first rehearsal 381 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,714 Of the disco-pop masterpiece 382 00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:37,982 Starlight express. 383 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,618 (chuckles) as you know, I'm adam goldberg, 384 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:43,321 Your director and leading man. 385 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,222 And now please welcome 386 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:48,059 My choreographer/ assistant/mom, 387 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,295 Beverly goldberg. 388 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,629 Hmm. 389 00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:54,532 Now, I need you all to pay real close attention, 390 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,701 'cause I only want to do this once, okay? 391 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,169 It's like I want to scream and run, 392 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,438 But I also want to see what happens next. 393 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,407 Beverly: Five, six, seven, eight! 394 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:04,142 Starlight express! 395 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,443 Starlight express! 396 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,680 The name of the show is starlight express. 397 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:09,881 Smoking car. 398 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,049 Smoking car. 399 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:12,116 Dining car! 400 00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:13,218 Dining car! 401 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,285 Sleeping car. 402 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,019 Sleeping car. 403 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,454 I think I can! I think I can! 404 00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,156 I think I can! Smile! 405 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,858 (vocalizing) 406 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,927 There's a hobo on the train. 407 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,496 (scattered applause) 408 00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:27,966 What fun. Thank you. 409 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,802 (sighs) all right. Everybody got it? 410 00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:31,603 Let's see it! 411 00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:33,738 Five, six, seven, eight! 412 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,874 Starlight express! 413 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,508 Starlight express! 414 00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,644 Ah, I like how some of you are going forwards 415 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,714 And some of you are going sideways. 416 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,382 Train hands. 417 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:47,151 Starlight express! 418 00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:48,953 Starlight express. 419 00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:53,524 Wow. You seriously think this is worth it? 420 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,094 Thank you for this wonderful gift, mama. 421 00:14:56,096 --> 00:15:01,165 Adult adam: Sure, it was a train wreck, but she had my undying love. 422 00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,668 It's totally worth it. 423 00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:07,605 Adult adam: The opening night of starlight express 424 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,073 Was quickly approaching, 425 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,041 And I was melting down 426 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,277 'cause our show was going off the rails. 427 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:15,513 Beverly: Three, four, five, six, seven, eight! 428 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,815 Join on! Get there! 429 00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:18,850 Get there! 430 00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:20,952 What? (grunts) 431 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,123 Are you kidding me right now? 432 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,960 You're going too fast, and I couldn't hook in. 433 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,061 And I'm fine. Thanks. 434 00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,263 Uh, I... I think we need to take five. 435 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,166 Do you think superstar is taking five? 436 00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,401 No! They sold out! 437 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,003 And how many tickets have we sold, tyler? 438 00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:39,671 Seven. 439 00:15:39,673 --> 00:15:42,140 Seven tickets! And do you know why? 440 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:46,511 It's because some of you, who shall remain nameless, 441 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:47,478 Have no talent. 442 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,481 Sanjeev, darlene, ethel, skinny david, other david. 443 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:51,282 You know what, adam? 444 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,152 I'm not taking five. I'm quitting. 445 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:58,356 Fine! Quit! We don't need you! 446 00:15:58,524 --> 00:15:59,490 (groans) aw, wait! 447 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,293 She's the caboose! Mom, stop her! 448 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:03,928 Hey. 449 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:04,595 'sup? 450 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:05,563 I haven't seen you in a while. 451 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,566 I know you've been super busy, but I miss you. 452 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,002 Maybe later we could grab a bite? 453 00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:13,237 Who sent you? What? 454 00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:13,905 Was it miss cinoman? 455 00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:16,074 'cause this has her cinoman-y stink all over it. 456 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,842 I'm not spying on you, adam. 457 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,744 That's exactly what a spy would say. 458 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:22,347 Oh, whatever. I'm gonna go. 459 00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,882 Honey, you need to go apologize. 460 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,150 I have to apologize? 461 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,619 Have you seen your choreography? 462 00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:29,787 Back to one, people! 463 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,723 Adult adam: In that moment, my mom realized 464 00:16:31,725 --> 00:16:33,958 She didn't make her little boy a star. 465 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,393 She made him a monster. 466 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,463 Meanwhile, my dad was still being monstrously stubborn. 467 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:42,066 Out of options, he brought his favorite employee, vic, 468 00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,234 To the next game. 469 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,103 Whoa. Right on the glass. 470 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,604 Best seats for my best pal. 471 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,039 Hey, not bad. Thank you. 472 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:52,210 Announcer: Please stand for the canadian national anthem. 473 00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:56,581 ¶ o canada 474 00:16:56,583 --> 00:17:01,285 ¶ my home and native land... ¶ 475 00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:02,020 What are you doing? 476 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:06,090 I'm singing the song of my country. What country? 477 00:17:06,092 --> 00:17:06,557 Canada. 478 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,394 I'm from edmonton. I've told you... 479 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:10,294 Oh, forget it. 480 00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:14,532 (off-key) ¶ o canada 481 00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,001 ¶ we stand on guard 482 00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,536 (crowd boos) 483 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,270 ¶ for thee ¶ 484 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,972 Adult adam: As 10,000 people booed my father, 485 00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:24,008 He officially realized how much he missed barry. 486 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,676 (crowd jeering) what are you doing? 487 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,079 Adult adam: Back at home, my mom missed the days 488 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:31,983 When I was happy just to be a schmo in the chorus. 489 00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:33,885 Sorry I quit the play. 490 00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:36,087 But in my defense... 491 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,122 It's a turd on wheels. 492 00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:39,123 Oh, it really is. 493 00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:42,860 How did my sweet, little boy turn into such a monster? 494 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:46,531 You shifted the world so it entirely revolves around him. 495 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,232 Of course! It's what I do! 496 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:51,569 But usually someone steps in and stops me. 497 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,838 Look, I know adam's your little superstar, 498 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,841 But there's a reason he's always in the chorus. 499 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,042 Well, I can't tell him that. 500 00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:00,478 It would shatter his precious heart. 501 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,512 Aw. 502 00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,648 Lucky for you, I can. 503 00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:06,017 (spray can hisses) 504 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,685 Hey, buddy. 505 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:11,589 Mom needs to tell you something about the show. 506 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,493 She thinks it sucks. 507 00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:16,327 What? 508 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,128 Don't get her wrong, 509 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,130 She thinks you're the most talented, delicious boy 510 00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:22,700 In the whole world, who deserves to be the star. 511 00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:25,670 But no one else does. 512 00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:27,371 Mom? 513 00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:28,973 (stammering) is this true? 514 00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,175 Honey, I, uh... 515 00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:34,278 I think we both got a little bit carried away. 516 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,746 Maybe a little. 517 00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,648 I know how much you want this, 518 00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,718 And I want this for you. 519 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,154 But sometimes... 520 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,355 You just got to be todd the apostle. 521 00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:48,092 Adult adam: Hearing that, coming from the woman who loved me too much, 522 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,529 Meant that it was time for me to hang up my skates. 523 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,531 It's probably for the best. 524 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,799 Dana's not talking to me, 525 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,568 And sanjeev did break his collarbone. 526 00:18:57,936 --> 00:19:00,838 But thanks for always believing in me, mama. 527 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,442 (sighs) even when you probably shouldn't. 528 00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,081 I'll never stop. 529 00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:18,890 Hey. Busy. 530 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:24,529 Too busy for the greatest rivalry in the history of hockey? 531 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:27,698 The flyers-rangers game? No way! 532 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:30,701 Still not interested. 533 00:19:30,802 --> 00:19:32,270 What if we stay till the end? 534 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,138 And get stuck in traffic? 535 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:36,107 Why would you ever do that? 536 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,709 I miss you. 537 00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:40,411 Say it again. 538 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:41,279 (scoffs) no. 539 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:44,515 You love me more than you hate traffic. Say it! 540 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,550 You're a moron. 541 00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:46,584 Say the words. No. 542 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,685 Say the words. No. 543 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:48,986 Say the words. Say the words. No. No. No. 544 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,588 Say the words. Say the words. No. No. No. 545 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,089 Say the words. Say the words. No. No. No. 546 00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,925 Adult adam: My dad never said the words, 547 00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:54,926 But barry knew he meant them 548 00:19:54,928 --> 00:19:56,994 When he heard the final buzzer. 549 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,029 (buzzer buzzing) 550 00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:58,596 (all cheering) 551 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,198 Adult adam: It wasn't a historical hockey moment, 552 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,667 But it was a historical night for the goldberg's... 553 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:06,504 The first time any of us saw the end of a game. 554 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:09,407 And, sure, they got stuck in traffic for two hours 555 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,342 And complained the whole time... 556 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,945 Murray: Whoa! What? What is she doing? 557 00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:14,478 (groaning) 558 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,646 Adult adam: But my dad didn't care 559 00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:20,785 'cause it meant being stuck for two hours with his kid. 560 00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,687 And turns out, miss cinoman was right. 561 00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,922 There are no small roles, 562 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,457 Only small actors. 563 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,158 (audience applauding) 564 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,061 I was the greatest 30th apostle at the kids' table 565 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,262 The world had ever seen. 566 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:34,198 I love you, todd the apostle! 567 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,368 Adult adam: And it felt great. 568 00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,537 Beverly: Whoo! 569 00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:43,641 (dinging) 570 00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:51,682 ¶ can it be what it seems? 571 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:55,419 ¶ there will be no more love 572 00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:59,290 ¶ there will be no more dreams ¶ 573 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:02,927 (shouting) come on! 574 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:06,197 Green light, people! Green light! 575 00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:08,199 One car went through! 576 00:21:08,201 --> 00:21:09,400 One car! 577 00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:11,135 Move it, lady! 578 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,837 What are you, sally field? 579 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:14,739 Put your makeup on at home! 580 00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,607 Oh, there's a baby on board? 581 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:20,544 I'll tell you what, there's a moron on board! 582 00:21:20,546 --> 00:21:21,045 Moron! 583 00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:23,180 Son of a... (screaming) 584 00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,548 (screaming) 585 00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:26,217 Car full of morons!