1
00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:02,267
Adult adam: Back in the '80s,
being a man's man was simple.
2
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:04,770
All you needed
was muscles or a mustache.
3
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:08,307
Unfortunately, I was miles
from dolph lundgren
4
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:10,075
And no chuck norris...Yet.
5
00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:12,311
Get scared, boys.
Goldberg's coming for you.
6
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:15,748
Adult adam:
I was what you'd call
a late bloomer,
7
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:17,182
Like the latest...Ever.
8
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,985
What's up, goldnerd?
How was your winter break?
9
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:22,254
J.C. Spink? What the...
10
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,222
What happened to you?
11
00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:26,492
Grew a ton, I stink,
got acne all over my back.
12
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:27,059
It's awesome.
13
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,828
But worst of all,
the girls were growing
even faster,
14
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:33,265
Especially my girlfriend,
dana caldwell.
15
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,801
Anthony: Yo, girls.
16
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:36,935
Mainly you.
17
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:37,669
Um, hi.
18
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,604
There's a party
at the water tower.
19
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,406
Usually there's
no freshman allowed,
20
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:41,974
But for you,
I'll make an exception.
21
00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:43,108
Actually,
I'm not a freshmen.
22
00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:45,544
Adam f. Goldberg.
Pleasure.
23
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,146
Uh, what's this
about a party?
24
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,081
Uh, I'll see you there,
dana.
25
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,083
And, uh, don't bring
your little brother.
26
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:54,653
I'm actually four months
and 16 days older than her,
27
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,421
And we're together.
28
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,723
Weird. Anthony balsamo
knows my name.
29
00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,426
And he's such a mensch
to invite both of us.
30
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,393
Wait...
You want to go to that?
31
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,328
It's just gonna be a bunch
of rowdy high-school guys
32
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,130
Spray-painting dirty words
on the water tower.
33
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,800
Big, bad adam ain't afraid
of no water tower.
34
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:08,467
Or ghosts, fyi.
35
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:11,937
Adult adam:
I desperately wanted
my girlfriend, dana,
36
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:12,971
To see me as a man.
37
00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:15,140
Are you standing
on your tiptoes?
38
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:15,674
Don't think so.
39
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,243
Adult adam:
And if it wasn't
gonna happen on its own,
40
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,579
I would kick-start
the process myself.
41
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,914
What the hell
are you doing?
42
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:23,882
I'm stimulating
the follicles.
43
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:24,950
I read it in gq.
44
00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:27,519
It's a magazine
for stylish men of means.
45
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,387
Okay, everybody out.
46
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,289
I need to use the...
Oh, my god.
47
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,657
Are you using
my lady bic?
48
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,892
I'm stimulating
the follicles!
49
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:34,660
Ha, you suck!
50
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,429
Barry, get the camera!
Adam's being adam!
51
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,131
What's with all the yelling?
52
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:39,798
Oh, my joy!
53
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,767
Is my baby
trying to shave?
54
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,069
(gasps)
I'm stimulating
the follicles.
55
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,971
Oh!
I got the polaroid!
56
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,807
Say peach fuzz!
57
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:49,908
¶ I'm twisted up inside
58
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:54,480
¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
59
00:01:55,815 --> 00:01:56,949
¶ I don't know the future
60
00:01:56,951 --> 00:02:00,786
¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
61
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,422
Adult adam:
It was January 7th,
1980-something,
62
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:07,559
And my brother, barry,
had his first
real-live girlfriend,
63
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,293
Lainey lewis.
64
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:11,396
You went through my backpack
and ate my pudding?
65
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:11,964
Who does that?
66
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,733
Aw, so cute
when my boyfriend flies
into a rage over pudding.
67
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:16,368
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
68
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,370
You just said "boyfriend"
out loud,
69
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,772
In front of other
teenage human people.
70
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:22,241
Dude, it's not a big deal.
71
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,809
It's just...
72
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,011
I've never been this happy.
73
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:26,645
Aw.
74
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,980
Don't celebrate just yet.
75
00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,815
My dad has to meet
your dad first.
76
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:30,983
It's like his only rule.
77
00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,218
He needs to know
you come from good stock.
78
00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:33,752
I don't.
79
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,221
You've seen my stock.
It's like terrible stock.
80
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:36,989
I have a plan.
81
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,557
We'll have you guys
come to a football game,
82
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,058
So they'll be distracted
and drinking a lot.
83
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,927
That's genius!
Think you can get him
to come over?
84
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:45,597
Hey, big tasty knows
how to handle
murray goldberg.
85
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:49,334
There's a 100% chance
my dad will be there.
86
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:52,104
There's a zero percent chance
I will be there.
87
00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:54,006
Please. It's just one
little football game.
88
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:56,808
Little? We're talking
cowboys-eagles here!
89
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,177
It's the biggest game
of the year.
90
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,979
It's the only thing I care
about in the entire world.
91
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,447
More than your child?
Yes.
92
00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,950
You put me in a position
where I had to say it,
93
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,186
And now that I did,
I feel free.
94
00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:10,022
If I hear you say no again,
I'm hulking out.
95
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:13,292
We're talking
screaming and swearing.
96
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,662
I'm gonna smash
this decorative box!
97
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,429
Do not hulk out!
98
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,164
Do not smash
that decorative box!
99
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:22,034
Say goodbye
to the decorative box!
100
00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:24,269
Your mom keeps
her knickknacks in there.
101
00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,605
I'll destroy
her knickknacks, too!
102
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,473
Hulk doesn't respect
knickknacks!
103
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,109
Fine!
I'll do your stupid thing!
104
00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:32,611
Where are we going again?
105
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,146
Do you even listen
when I talk?
106
00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:36,582
I get the gist of it,
say no a lot.
107
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,050
I make it work.
108
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,651
I'm cool with that.
109
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:42,087
Adult adam:
While barry was hulking out
for lainey,
110
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:45,090
I was bulking up for dana.
111
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,192
"buns of steel?"
112
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,494
"just five minutes a day
113
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:51,697
"for the working mom
on the go."
114
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,031
That can vaguely apply
to me.
115
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:55,667
Okay, what's going on
with you?
116
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,703
All the guys at school
are turning into grown men,
117
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,972
And I still have
a little-boy body.
118
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:01,039
Ah, puberty.
119
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,243
I was an early
bloomer myself.
120
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,811
Those were the days.
121
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,246
(sighs)
that's not helpful,
is it?
122
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:11,250
No! My girlfriend's
is about to be stolen
by anthony balsamo.
123
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:14,119
I don't know who this
balsamic character is,
124
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,822
But I'm sure
you don't need to worry.
125
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,323
No, he should worry.
126
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,124
Panic even.
127
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:21,059
I mean,
anthony balsamo's a 10.
128
00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:21,927
Mom says I'm a 10.
129
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,729
She also says
barry can be a doctor.
130
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,998
Oh, god, pops,
help me!
131
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:26,832
It's a lie, I'm not a 10.
132
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,368
If anthony balsamo's
got his eye on your girl,
133
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,269
You got to think big.
134
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,771
In this case,
maybe a diamond or a car
135
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,773
Or an exotic trip
around the world.
136
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:38,310
Adam, you can't buy
a girlfriend.
137
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:39,745
Unless she's
out of your league.
138
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,747
Then you've got to pull out
all the stops.
139
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,482
Okay, then, jewelry it is.
140
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:46,318
I could give her my sweet
green lantern ring.
141
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,085
Or you keep looking.
142
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,321
No, it's perfect.
Just sleep on it.
143
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,256
Why?
It glows and everything.
144
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,392
It's for nerds, okay?
145
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,193
Nerds.
146
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,461
I'm sorry,
147
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:59,164
But you left me
no choice.
148
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,666
Adult adam:
They were right.
149
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,501
They only way
to lock down dana
150
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,502
Was with a big,
sparkly ring.
151
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:07,372
Lucky for me,
my nana left me
the perfect one.
152
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,307
My mom said, one day,
153
00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:09,975
I'd give it to the woman
of my dreams.
154
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:14,012
Surely, she was thinking
middle school, right?
155
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,148
(gasps)
156
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,450
You like?
Adam, it's too much.
157
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:22,421
Nothing's too much
for my number one
special lady friend.
158
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,256
(laughs)
it's beautiful.
159
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,124
Be sure to wear it tonight
to the water tower.
160
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,859
You still want go
to that party?
161
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,328
That balsamo kid
was nice enough
to invite us.
162
00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:32,731
The least we could do
is pop in and
show your ring off.
163
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,066
Adam frederick goldberg!
164
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:36,268
Put it away. Oh, god.
Hide your ring.
165
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,536
Oh, god, she knows.
166
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,770
How does she know?
How do you know?
167
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:41,039
I have an itemized inventory
right here
168
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,508
Of everything that goes in
and out of our house.
169
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,643
Now give me
nana's ring.
No.
170
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:48,647
You said, one day,
I could give it to
the woman of my choosing,
171
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:49,281
And I choose dana.
172
00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:52,718
By woman of your choosing,
I meant of our choosing.
173
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,186
I'm a man,
I made this decision,
174
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,788
And now there's nothing
that you can do about it.
175
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,523
Oh, yes, there is.
176
00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,758
Hi, mrs. Goldberg.
177
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:00,892
Dana, lovely to see you.
178
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,594
I'm gonna need
that ring back.
179
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,763
Mom, do not do this.
180
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:05,864
Ring.
Do not.
181
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,998
Ring, ring, ring.
Do not.
182
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,168
Ring, ring. Who's there?
It's me. I want my ring back.
183
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,503
Okay, I'll take it off.
184
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,337
(ring clatters)
185
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:15,207
Just put it back
on my finger
before you lose it.
186
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,542
(laughing)
check it out.
187
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,911
Goldnerd's proposing
to his mom,
188
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:20,746
And she said yes!
189
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:23,648
That's not what happened!
Oh, she said no.
190
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,217
(all laughing)
191
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,285
There. You're happy now?
192
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,320
I do.
193
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,122
I mean, I am.
194
00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:35,694
Hi, mr. Goldberg,
thanks for coming.
195
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,162
My dad's excited
to meet you.
196
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,230
Hi, barry.
Hey, hey.
197
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,831
Oh, hey, there he is.
Hey, hey.
198
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:40,999
Dad, you know barry,
mr. Goldberg.
199
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,802
Yep. Hey,
bill lewis of bill lewis
tile and flooring.
200
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,304
Murray goldberg
of this moron's father.
201
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,840
(laughs)
classic mur-man.
202
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:49,875
He kids.
203
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,042
Big game today.
204
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:51,676
You guys are lucky
205
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:54,312
'cause I just bought
a brand-new big-screen tv
to watch it on.
206
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,680
What you got, 27?
(whistles)
207
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:56,915
32?
(imitates cranking)
208
00:06:56,917 --> 00:07:00,685
34?
53 inches of pure
magic, my friend.
209
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,921
You are a dirty liar.
210
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,122
Come here.
(chuckles)
211
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,425
Oh...My...God.
It's real.
212
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:09,027
(choir vocalizing)
adult adam: Ah,
the '80s projection tv.
213
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,396
It was blurry
and weighed more than a car,
214
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:14,032
But it was the envy
of every man.
215
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,568
I know we just met...
216
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:20,172
...But I want to live
with you, bill.
I choose you.
217
00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:21,306
Wow. I think this may work.
218
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,442
And it did,
for about two more seconds.
219
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:28,113
Murray, you can come over
for any game you want.
220
00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:32,684
(vocalizing stops)
everybody's welcome
in cowboy country.
221
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,389
Good god.
What is this place?
222
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:39,491
I think he said
cowboy country.
223
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,359
Isn't it great?
224
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,597
How could you
do this to me?
225
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:46,264
They're cowboy fans.
226
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:49,201
I can't watch
the biggest game
of the year
227
00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,101
In enemy territory!
228
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,804
I'm sorry, okay?
Lainey didn't tell me.
229
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,473
Lainey: I did. Remember?
230
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,908
I told you all about it
in your room...
231
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:57,609
When we were studying.
232
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:02,414
You can't expect me
to listen to what
you're saying while we're...
233
00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:02,948
Studying.
234
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:05,317
Morons! I know what
"studying" means!
235
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,719
Look, you can still root
for the eagles,
236
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:08,487
Just not out loud.
237
00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:12,023
Please. It's going so well.
My dad actually likes you.
238
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:12,991
He never likes anyone.
239
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,227
Fine. I will stay
for one quarter,
240
00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:18,763
But after that, I go home
and watch with my chair.
241
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,432
Who wants
some barbecued eagle?
242
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,201
(laughs) I'm just fooling.
It's chicken.
243
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,337
But that's what
the eagles are, right?
244
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:26,838
A bunch of chickens.
245
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,306
(clucking)
246
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,140
(laughs)
247
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,575
Adult adam:
As livid as my dad was,
248
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:34,312
It didn't come close
to the rage in my heart.
249
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:35,647
Stop your stomping.
250
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,382
I get it,
your little feet are mad,
251
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:38,283
But you are
much too young
252
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,019
To be giving little girls
big, honking sparklers.
253
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,754
Fine! I'll just get her
a ring of my own!
254
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,390
I'll mow every damn lawn
in this town if I have to.
255
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:48,159
What do I need to score
a ring like that, huh?
256
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:48,693
Ten, twelve g's?
257
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,328
You know what? I thought
we were gonna be able
258
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,563
To discuss this
like reasonable people,
259
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,798
But clearly,
your little body's
all worked up.
260
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,234
Stop calling
my parts little!
261
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,836
I'm a man! A big man!
262
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:58,470
Uh-huh!
263
00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:00,138
Well, you're grounded,
big man.
264
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,574
That means no computer,
no television,
265
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,709
No phone, no dana.
266
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:06,177
(sighs)
267
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:09,147
Don't look at me like that.
I know what you're thinking,
268
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,717
But he crossed a line
with that ring.
269
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:13,418
And don't tell me
270
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,954
I'm trying to keep him
a baby forever
271
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:16,488
Because I'm not,
272
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:18,857
Although he is growing up
at an alarming rate.
273
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:22,260
And this isn't because
I am devastated or jealous
274
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,596
Or threatened that he's got
a new woman in his life,
275
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,098
Because she is not a woman,
she is a girl
276
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,467
And I am the woman.
277
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:33,371
I'm his mother, of course,
but he's mine...
278
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,040
Ours, all of ours.
279
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:36,641
Shut up!
280
00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:40,011
(whirring)
281
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,047
Hey. You okay?
No, I'm not okay!
282
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:45,850
Dana's at the
water tower right now
with anthony balsamo.
283
00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:48,186
I can't let him swoop in
on my gal.
284
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:48,954
I got to fix this.
285
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,623
Oh, good, you came up
with another great way
286
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,258
For a robot
to solve your problems.
287
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,126
I will let love
and eight d batteries
288
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,195
Carry my letter to dana
at the water tower.
289
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,131
There's nothing that
can stand in omnibot's way.
290
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,499
Nothing!
291
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,068
Omnibot, no!
292
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:05,937
You know grass
is your kryptonite!
293
00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:07,205
Well, here's an idea.
294
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,140
A real man would
find dana himself.
295
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:12,210
I can't. You heard mom,
she would ground me forever.
296
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,613
Well, maybe some things
in life are just worth it.
297
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:17,549
Adult adam: In that moment,
I realized erica was right.
298
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:20,452
It was time to stop letting
a robot do a man's job.
299
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:24,255
Run! Run and show her
what a man you are!
300
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,825
What a tiny,
little man you are.
301
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,326
And it's good!
(crowd cheering)
302
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,828
Three on the board!
303
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,830
Three on the board.
(bell rattles)
304
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,566
Three on the board.
Three on the board.
305
00:10:34,568 --> 00:10:35,266
Sweet lord, make him stop.
306
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:39,537
You know, dick vermeil
has no business coaching
men's football.
307
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:42,507
Maybe, at best,
women's volleyball.
308
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,208
Not the olympic kind.
309
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:47,112
Like a casual,
two-woman game on a beach,
am I right, mur?
310
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:48,847
Adult adam:
After a quarter of agony,
311
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,316
My dad was at
his breaking point,
312
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,351
And then this happened.
313
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,186
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Mike quick!
314
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,822
Just beat the kicker!
Just beat the kicker!
315
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,191
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
316
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,159
Touchdown!
317
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,360
Oh, whoa, whoa!
318
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:03,194
Oh, crap.
319
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,496
We're done.
Yeah.
320
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:05,196
You're an eagles fan?
321
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:09,601
This is, uh, philadelphia,
and I root for two teams...
322
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:10,268
The eagles
323
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,037
And whoever's
playing the cowboys.
324
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,740
But at least
we all can agree
the giants suck.
325
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:16,207
Am I right?
326
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:19,177
In my house,
we root for one team
and one team only.
327
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,378
That's america's team.
328
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,846
If anyone's america's team,
it's philly...
329
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:25,483
Home of the liberty bell,
ben franklin, and rocky .
330
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,385
Your city's so bad
you could only come up
331
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,521
With is a mediocre
boxing movie
332
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:30,088
And a broken bell.
333
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:33,625
Okay, we're all
saying things that are
hurtful and untrue.
334
00:11:33,627 --> 00:11:34,492
I say we hug.
335
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,227
We'll start.
You guys join.
336
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,095
No.
337
00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,498
I never understood
why you liked this bonehead,
338
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,868
But after meeting his dad,
I really don't get it.
339
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:47,205
I don't have to sit here
and watch my son be insulted
340
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,743
By a man who sells the
fourth-best type of flooring.
341
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:54,379
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
342
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:58,083
There's only one thing
worse than bad-mouthing
the cowboys,
343
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,285
And that's talking nonsense
about tile.
344
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:04,089
You can't name one better
flooring option!
345
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:04,556
Not one!
346
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:09,160
Carpet, wood, linoleum,
brick, marble, astroturf.
347
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,495
Enough!
348
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:11,429
It'll be a cold day in hell
349
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,899
When my daughter dates
a no-good, tile-hating
eagle fan.
350
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,167
I think you guys
should leave.
351
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,937
I'm a step ahead of you!
Ca-caw!
352
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:19,704
Stop it.
What is that?
353
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:23,475
I am an eagle,
flying on my wings
to victory.
354
00:12:23,477 --> 00:12:24,609
Ca-caw!
355
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:25,410
Eagles don't "ca-caw!"
356
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,546
Nobody knows the sound
an eagle makes!
357
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,281
(shouts) nobody!
358
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,617
(door opens)
359
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:33,718
Barry.
360
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,220
Eagles don't ca-caw.
361
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:35,954
Murray: Ca-caw!
362
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,757
Adult adam:
As barry was watching
his first love fly away,
363
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,892
I was getting ready
to climb to new heights
364
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,961
To show dana
what a man looked like.
365
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,662
Adam? I thought
you were grounded.
366
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:47,465
This is how grounded
I'm not.
367
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:48,099
(rattling)
368
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:51,770
Wait. You can't climb that,
it's too dangerous.
369
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:54,038
(crowd murmuring)
370
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:58,143
Dana isabelle caldwell,
you're worth it.
371
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:01,146
Adult adam:
And so, my climb
into greatness began.
372
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:05,016
Sure, I was a clumsy doof
with limited hand
and leg strength,
373
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,985
But I wouldn't let
my shortcomings stop me.
374
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,587
I had to show anthony balsamo
and the rest of my school
375
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:13,925
That adam goldberg
was the manliest of men.
376
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:14,826
It was my moment.
377
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,761
The wind was at my back,
my heart was pounding,
378
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,596
And I knew exactly
what I needed to write
379
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:23,168
To show all of jenkintown
that dana was my girl.
380
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:26,171
Nothing on god's green earth
could stop me.
381
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:27,272
No!
382
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,007
Come on! Damn it!
383
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:33,144
Well, nothing,
except for an empty can
of spray paint.
384
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,946
Oh, balls!
385
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:38,416
Do you know that guy,
dan?
386
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:39,117
Not that well.
387
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,152
Adult adam:
Even more unfortunate...
388
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:41,786
Oh, balls!
389
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,154
I got so swept up
in being man
390
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:48,760
That I'd forgotten
about my crippling
fear or heights.
391
00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:49,327
(siren wails)
392
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,565
Also unfortunate,
they had to call
the fire department.
393
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:55,266
Turns out,
being swaddled like a baby
394
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:59,170
Didn't help my case
on proving my manhood.
395
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,408
Hey, you okay, bro?
396
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:04,776
(bleep) dan.
397
00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:08,546
Adult adam:
Even though the eagles
lost pretty bad that day,
398
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,382
Barry was taking his loss
even harder.
399
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,317
What the hell
are you doing?
400
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:15,320
Just sorting
through the treasures
of our relationship.
401
00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:17,388
The flyer shirt
she hated,
402
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,858
The stop sign
where she wanted to go left
403
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:20,892
And I wanted to go right,
404
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,927
So I got nervous,
went straight.
405
00:14:22,929 --> 00:14:26,264
You might not
understand this, but...
406
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:30,301
Eagles and cowboys
just don't mix.
407
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,704
You and lainey
were doomed from the start.
408
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,239
We just root
for different teams.
409
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,674
So what?
So it gets complicated.
410
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:39,377
I've seen people try,
but it's, uh...
411
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,712
Well, that's a tough life.
412
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,113
You're living
in the past!
413
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:44,182
I don't see teams,
I see people.
414
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,316
Everyone sees teams.
415
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,886
Well, as much as I care
about the eagles...
416
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,454
I care about lainey more.
417
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,290
That's a damn big thing
to say.
418
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,826
I know it is.
You better mean it.
419
00:14:54,828 --> 00:14:55,693
I do.
420
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:58,096
Well, let's get in
the damn car.
421
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,230
And bring
the stop sign.
422
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,033
We got to put it back.
It's a serious crime.
423
00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:04,736
Bill, we need to talk.
424
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,004
I've got nothing
to say to you.
425
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,506
Look, I know
things got personal.
426
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,308
You said some things
about rocky.
427
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,010
I said some things
about floor tiling.
428
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:15,113
We got great kids,
and they like each other.
429
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,148
So let's just
move past this.
430
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,750
Mur, I'm a reasonable man.
431
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:19,584
I'll let lainey see barry
432
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:24,022
If you admit the cowboys
are america's team.
433
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:24,489
Reasonable?
434
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,958
That's not reasonable,
that's the opposite
of reasonable.
435
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,161
Dad, come on.
Let him try it on.
436
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:32,764
I'll do it.
Wait, seriously?
437
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,032
(sighs)
438
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,734
(mumbling)
the cowboys are...
What's that?
439
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:37,669
Cowboys...
(speaks gibberish)
440
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,604
I couldn't quite
hear you.
Cowboys... (mumbles)
441
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,974
Adult adam:
Even though my brother liked
lainey more than the eagles,
442
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,777
He hated watching
our dad get ridiculed.
443
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,979
The cowboys...
444
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:48,413
Suck!
445
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,648
They suck!
The cowboys suck!
446
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,651
I'm sorry, lainey,
they suck so hard.
447
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:54,552
I think we're done here.
448
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:57,755
Damn right we are! Ca-caw!
Ca-caw!
449
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:58,356
Stop it!
Ca-caw!
450
00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,791
Eagles don't make
that noise!
451
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,526
Ca-caw!
It makes no sense!
452
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:02,360
Both: Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
453
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,962
Adult adam:
While barry and my dad
were flying high,
454
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,030
Erica was trying to keep
my smother grounded.
455
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:07,799
Where is he?
Where is my boy?
456
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,334
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
457
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,102
Tell me
where my favorite child is,
458
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,004
Or this is gonna get
real mean.
459
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,672
Meaner than that?
Cut it out.
460
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,140
Do what you will,
I won't crack.
461
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,776
Wow. Standing up
for your brother.
462
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:21,045
I'm proud of you, really.
463
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,413
What are you doing?
464
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:25,249
Just demonstrating
how I'll be showing up
to school next year
465
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,150
If you don't start talking.
466
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,686
(scoffs) you think
a few curlers scare me?
467
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,289
Wow. You put those in fast,
you're like a hair ninja.
468
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,524
Oh, it won't just
be curlers.
469
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,761
It'll be the whole
pre-bedtime routine.
470
00:16:37,896 --> 00:16:40,531
(lisping) hi, erica,
it's me, your mother.
471
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,434
He's at the water tower.
You're weak.
472
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,303
I know.
473
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:52,810
Hey!
474
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,912
You are in
so much trouble, mister!
475
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,614
You thought
you were grounded before?
476
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,850
Well, you are
really grounded now.
477
00:16:58,852 --> 00:16:59,650
It doesn't matter!
478
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:04,355
After tonight,
dana will never want
to see me again anyway.
479
00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:06,958
What happened?
480
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,026
You were right.
481
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:08,760
I'm a little boy,
482
00:17:08,762 --> 00:17:10,695
And every time
I try and be a man,
483
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:15,033
I just end up proving
I'm the farthest thing
from it.
484
00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:16,234
I just...
485
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:17,935
I hate who I am right now.
486
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,370
Don't say that.
487
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,140
Look, I know this is hard
for you to understand,
488
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:25,043
But this period
of your life...
(clicks tongue)
489
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,311
It's only gonna last
a little while.
490
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:31,682
I'm sure, for you,
it seems like
it'll last forever,
491
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:35,953
But believe me,
it doesn't.
492
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:37,955
In fact, for me,
493
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:41,626
It all seems like
it's just going by so fast.
494
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:42,827
Just take me home.
495
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:46,030
(dire straits
romeo and juliet plays)
496
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,707
(brakes squeal)
497
00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,077
Okay. Here's your stop.
498
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:01,245
But this is
dana's house.
499
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,413
Yeah. Go talk to her.
500
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:06,317
Really? You said
I wasn't allowed
to see her anymore.
501
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,486
I know what I said.
502
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:09,854
Go.
503
00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:15,560
¶ a lovestruck romeo
504
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,396
¶ sings the streets
a serenade
505
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:21,065
¶ laying everybody low
506
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:24,001
¶ with a love song
that he made
507
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:26,037
¶ finds a streetlight
508
00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,406
¶ steps out of the shade
509
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,108
¶ says something like... ¶
510
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,976
Adam?
We need to talk.
511
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,578
Okay, I'll come down.
512
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:34,712
No, wait.
513
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,647
I'll come up.
514
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,417
Adult adam: That night,
I was determined
515
00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:40,985
To climb my way
into manhood.
516
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,720
Or at least make it
to dana's window
517
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,856
Without having
to be rescued
by firemen.
518
00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:46,691
You know, you really need
to stop climbing things.
519
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:50,695
Look, all I wanted
was to be seen
as your boyfriend,
520
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,563
Not some little kid.
521
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:53,297
No one thinks that.
522
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,833
Of course they do.
Look at me.
523
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,635
Adam, look at me.
524
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,070
People think
I'm in high school,
525
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,272
And they stare at me,
and it sucks.
526
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,107
I don't want to go
to their parties.
527
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:07,111
I just want to ride my bike
and play video games...
528
00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:09,046
With you.
529
00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:12,817
(chuckles)
that sounds awesome.
530
00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:15,520
So, now what?
531
00:19:16,421 --> 00:19:18,556
Now I kiss you?
532
00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:21,058
I'm good with that.
533
00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:25,863
I can't believe you were
actually gonna say
534
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,098
The cowboys were better
than the eagles for me.
535
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:30,334
For your information,
I was never going
to say that.
536
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:33,104
Oh, you were
gonna say it.
I wasn't going to say it.
537
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:33,804
You were gonna say it.
538
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:37,008
Okay, maybe I like you
a little bit more
than the eagles.
539
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,876
Don't tell the eagles.
540
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,845
(knocking on door)
541
00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:43,548
Lainey, what are you...
542
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,448
My dad hates your guts.
543
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,850
Oh, my god,
he hates you so much.
544
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,285
He forbid me from
ever seeing you again.
545
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,921
Well, thanks for delivering
that message in person.
546
00:19:49,923 --> 00:19:51,389
Don't you get it?
547
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:52,156
He forbid me.
548
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,091
Forbidden love!
That is so hot!
Huh?
549
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:57,228
Oh, can't you guys just wait
until I leave the room
550
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,297
Before you start studying?
551
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,731
Ugh. I just ate.
552
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:03,034
Oh, and by the way,
553
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:05,703
Even though
the cowboys suck...
554
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,372
I think
barry chose well.
555
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,541
I chose him.
556
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,076
Hmm.
557
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,012
¶ all I do is kiss you
558
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,782
¶ through the bars of a rhyme
559
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:22,186
¶ julie, I'd do the stars
with you any time ¶
560
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,423
It's my green lantern ring.
561
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:29,560
It's actually
not worth anything, but...
I love it.
562
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,630
Adult adam:
That's the thing
about young love.
563
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:36,434
It's weird, it's awkward,
it's confusing as hell,
564
00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:40,638
But no matter what size
you are, it's worth it.
565
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:49,213
(bell dinging)
566
00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:54,819
Holy why?
567
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:55,786
Hi, erica.
568
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:56,654
Okay, fine!
You got me!
569
00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:58,823
But I was only
in atlantic city
for a few hours,
570
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:00,458
And I wasn't even
with those dudes
571
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,325
When they were arrested.
572
00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:03,027
Adam forgot his lunch.
I just brought it to him.
573
00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:06,163
You said
you would come to school...
574
00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:08,466
I thought you knew.
I didn't.
575
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:09,467
Then why are you here
576
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:10,901
Dressed as
my worst nightmare?
577
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:11,736
'cause some mornings,
578
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,105
It's just tougher to get it
together than others.
579
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,474
Now, moving on
to your punishment?
580
00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:18,643
Oh, I love you, too,
erica!
581
00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:21,612
Yes, this is my daughter!
582
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,981
I baked her in my tummy!