1
00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:02,735
Adult adam: Back in the '80s,
stand-up comedy exploded.
2
00:00:02,737 --> 00:00:05,804
We'd spent hours watching
the greats like sam kinison,
3
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,406
Garry shandling,
billy crystal,
4
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,775
And my personal favorite...
(all laughing)
5
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:10,676
The diceman.
6
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,511
I can't believe
he said that!
7
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:13,312
I know!
(laughs)
8
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:14,813
Adult adam: They weren't
just my heroes.
9
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,315
They were my inspirations.
10
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:20,686
Sure, I never stood
in front of a red brick
wall with a microphone.
11
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:21,320
(all gasp)
12
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,723
But I still fancied myself
quite the comedian.
13
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,125
Nothing but rim.
14
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:26,959
(all laughing)
15
00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:30,129
Yep, I wasn't afraid to get
my hands dirty to get a laugh.
16
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,430
Oh, you got
a little something.
17
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,531
Uh, right here?
18
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,099
Right here.
Oh, right...Right...
19
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:34,800
Right here, yeah.
20
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,368
(all laughing)
adult adam:
And I knew one day,
21
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:39,304
I'd get the get the ultimate
achievement in comedy...
Class clown.
22
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:41,106
Sorry I'm late.
Yearbook is killing me.
23
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,107
Here, let me carry
that for you.
24
00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:45,310
So you can see who's
getting voted class clown?
Nice try.
25
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,046
Please.
Just let me see it.
26
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,914
For your sugar bear?
27
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,949
(sighs)
just take it.
28
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,319
Yes! I got best
hair on a man.
29
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:57,222
Oh, yeah. (chuckles)
shut up,
dave kim.
30
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,426
Read it and weep.
I am...
31
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:03,562
Adult adam: Unfortunately,
I got the opposite of that.
32
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,031
"nicest guy"?
Are you fricking
kidding me?
33
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:07,800
What?
It's a good thing.
Dave kim: No, it's not.
34
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:12,838
"nicest guy" is code for
"boring guy who just
has okay hair."
35
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,506
(school bell rings)
36
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,575
So, who's getting
class clown?
37
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,309
Better not be mike levy
38
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,945
'cause he didn't
choose for milk
to come out of his nose.
39
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:22,181
He has a deviated septum.
So lucky.
40
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,483
David sirota...
By a landslide.
41
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,384
Are you kidding me?
42
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:28,454
People think that putz
is funnier than me?
43
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,389
(makes farting noise)
44
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,723
(students laughing)
woodburn: Okay.
45
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,726
Whoever's doing that,
just stop it!
Just stop right now.
46
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,496
David sirota isn't funny.
He's ridiculous.
47
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:40,599
Always dancing in the halls
and talking trash at gym.
48
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,202
And this bit
with mr. Woodburn...
49
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:43,936
Amateur hour.
50
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:46,538
Everyone knows
making poots is cheap.
51
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,906
(makes farting noise)
52
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:49,741
(students laughing)
53
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:51,176
I am an adult
and an educator,
54
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:52,945
And I command you
to stop right now
55
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:55,581
In the name
of stephen hawking.
Just stop it!
56
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:56,915
Is sirota
funnier than me?
57
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,084
For sure, bro.
You're not funny.
58
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,419
Of course, I am!
It's a fact.
59
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,888
Like africa's hot
or the sun sets
in the west.
60
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,123
I don't know
about that stuff,
61
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,358
But I definitely know
you're not funny.
62
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,893
Erica,
back me up here.
63
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,062
I'd like to,
but barry's right.
64
00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:11,563
You use comedy
as a defense mechanism,
65
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:14,099
But that
doesn't make you
a funny person
66
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,033
That people laugh with.
67
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,669
It makes you a lame-o
that people laugh at.
68
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,370
But funny's my thing.
69
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:22,708
I mean, I'm not
an athlete or a brain
or a theater star.
70
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:26,578
So, if I'm not funny,
what am I?
71
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:27,546
You're really nice.
72
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,647
Stop saying that!
73
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:32,551
I'm funny, and there's
nothing you or anyone
else can say
74
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,652
That can change my mind.
75
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,453
That's right, squishy.
76
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:38,223
I think you are
the funniest boy in
the whole wide world.
77
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,791
(kissing)
78
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:40,893
We rest our case.
79
00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:42,895
You're a wild
and crazy guy!
80
00:02:42,897 --> 00:02:45,964
Again,
we rest our case.
81
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,299
¶ I'm twisted up inside
82
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:51,303
¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
83
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:54,573
¶ I don't know the future
84
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:58,443
¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
85
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,580
Adult adam: It was
may 10, 1980, something,
and my dad was pondering
86
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,616
The number-one issue
plaguing all fathers.
87
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:05,417
Okay, I'm going
to lainey's.
88
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:08,020
Not so fast!
You didn't fill up
the car last night.
89
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,856
I want a full tank
when you get home,
no excuses!
90
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,326
Adult adam: Like all dads,
mine was obsessed
with the gas tank.
91
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,094
I drove the car
this morning.
92
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,095
There's a ton
of gas in it.
93
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,565
All right, let's take
a walk, shall we?
94
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,434
Look at the gas gauge!
Look at it!
95
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:23,669
Yeah, so?
It's half full.
96
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,337
Which is as good
as empty!
97
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,305
Ugh, not this again!
98
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:29,341
We never break
the half-a-tank threshold.
99
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,475
My car, my rules!
100
00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:32,778
Fine, then I'll just
walk everywhere
(clicking)
101
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,647
For the rest of my life!
(garage door opening)
102
00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:41,019
Ho, ho! Yeah, go out
walking in that.
103
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:43,488
Adult adam:
This is how it went
with my dad and my sis.
104
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,924
They were the two most
stubborn people on the planet.
105
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:49,428
I told you, no chewing gum
with your braces!
106
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:52,297
God, it's just a pinch!
I can do what I want!
107
00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:53,065
My gum, my rules.
108
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,601
Adult adam:
Yep, the tiniest of arguments
could last months.
109
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:59,538
Both had to win, and neither
would ever back down.
110
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:00,405
Ha! I win!
111
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,708
Adult adam: Even if it meant
going to the hospital
112
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:05,744
With a bubble gum
related injury.
113
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,578
Erica, please.
114
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,846
There might be
lightning outside.
115
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:12,584
Good. I would rather
get struck by a bolt
of red-hot sky fire
116
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,019
Than cave to his
stupid will.
117
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,388
Okay, you know what?
I'll fill up the tank.
118
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,291
No. You got to
back me up on this.
119
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,525
My car, my rules.
120
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:23,161
I support you on
every stupid little thing.
121
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:27,165
You mean sit in your chair
and blindly yell,
"listen to your mother"?
122
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,533
Exactly.
No.
123
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,369
Do not back him
up on this.
124
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,804
He is wrong,
and you know it.
125
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,439
Just do what
your father says.
126
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,475
I can't deal
with you people!
127
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,343
Adult adam: It seemed
round one went to erica.
128
00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,012
(thunder rumbling)
(erica screams)
129
00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:42,814
God, I can't wait
to get out of this house
130
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:43,515
And get away from you!
131
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,785
Adult adam: But actually,
round one went to my dad.
132
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,489
And that
is how you parent.
133
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:54,459
Man, barry and erica
have really got
in my head.
134
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,027
Am I unfunny?
135
00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:57,262
Are people laughing
at me, not with me?
136
00:04:57,264 --> 00:05:01,566
Absolutely not.
You've got your
sense of humor from me,
137
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:04,136
And I'm hilarious.
138
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:06,772
¶ my girlfriend had a kitty
139
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:10,342
¶ she came
from kansas city ¶
oh, my god, stop.
140
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,977
Hilarious.
(chuckles)
141
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:12,978
But I still need
to find a way
142
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,647
To beat david sirota
for class clown.
143
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,715
Well, then,
let me help.
144
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:19,017
You know,
when I was your age,
145
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,620
I was busboying
in the catskills.
146
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,422
I saw all the greats.
147
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,489
Really? Like who?
148
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:28,293
Harry 'bottles' mcnaughton,
stubby kaye,
149
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,227
The kippleman brothers.
150
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:32,197
One would talk and then
the other one would talk,
151
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,999
And then the first one
would talk.
152
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,234
Their act
was actually just okay.
153
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,603
Yeah, it doesn't sound
very current.
154
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,173
But I've, like,
memorized tons of jokes
155
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,641
From all my
favorite comedians.
156
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:45,043
Maybe I can bring
some of their stuff
into school.
157
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,612
Yes. Let others
do the work for you.
158
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,282
Adult adam: And so,
I pulled out all the greats.
159
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:51,016
Great wall of china!
160
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:54,052
Adult adam:
First, sam kinison.
(screaming) say it! Say it!
161
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:54,986
(screaming)
162
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:58,390
Adult adam:
And then, I sprinkled
in a little gallagher.
163
00:05:58,392 --> 00:05:59,591
And then finish them off
164
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,427
With a classic poem
by andrew dice clay.
165
00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:05,230
"old mother hubbard
went to the cupboard
166
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,798
"to get her dog a bone
167
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,168
"when she (bleep)
rover took over
168
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,170
"and gave her a (bleep)
169
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,505
"oh!"
170
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,474
Go to your room!
171
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,341
(sighs)
172
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:19,144
I'm sorry I yelled
and punished you.
173
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,046
Yeah, I hadn't
seen that side
of you before.
174
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,582
I just don't
understand how
you could say
175
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,984
Those horrible things
about old mother hubbard.
176
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,986
That's her dog.
They're friends.
177
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,756
I guess barry and erica
are right. I'm not funny.
178
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:33,325
Pal, you're funny,
but comedy is personal.
179
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:37,195
Think of jokes
from your world,
stuff you know about.
180
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:39,131
You think?
Of course.
181
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,500
Take my favorite
comedian, don rickles.
182
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,336
He tells jokes about
the people in his world,
183
00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,605
And he keeps
it personal.
184
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,173
Keep it personal.
Yeah.
185
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:52,944
Yeah. I think
that could work.
Thanks, pops.
186
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,346
Anytime.
187
00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:58,183
Old mother hubbard
just wanted to feed
her poor dog, and he...
188
00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,985
Got to let it go, man.
Got to let it go.
189
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,254
Adult adam: Meanwhile,
erica had a plan on
how to defeat my dad,
190
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:07,392
And it required stirring up
the most easily stirred-up
person on the planet.
191
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:10,695
Damn it!
I'm so mad at dad!
192
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:11,396
Aren't you mad?
193
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,999
No. Why? Should I be?
What did he do now?
194
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,034
Well, he's always saying,
"my car, my rules,"
195
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:19,638
And forcing us to
fill up his gas tank
like we're his slaves.
196
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:23,842
He is always talking
about that stupid gas!
197
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,610
It makes me very angry.
198
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,511
Well, we can
fight back.
199
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:29,448
I say we pool
our money together
and buy our own ride.
200
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:33,452
That way, dad can never
say "my car, my rules"
ever again.
201
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:34,653
Yes! Let's fight!
202
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,388
God, I have so much rage
in my body right now.
203
00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:39,791
Well, let's do this.
I only have 60 bucks.
How much you got?
204
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:44,129
Oh, I have to move
some stuff around
but roughly 1200.
205
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,397
Dollars? How?
206
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:48,200
Basically, you've
inherited dad's
stubbornness,
207
00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:49,801
And I inherited
his cheapness.
208
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,838
You see,
every day for lunch,
mom gives me $2.
209
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,639
I spend 25 cents
on chocolate milk
210
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,376
And eat food scraps
off friends' plates
and random tables.
211
00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,277
We can get
any car we want.
212
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:02,814
See? Right here.
Look at this sweet
little cabriolet.
213
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,281
No, no, no!
214
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,718
It's my cash,
and I know exactly
what we're buying.
215
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,687
Erica: A crappy van?
Better.
216
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,089
Adult adam: Better, indeed.
Like every kid back then,
217
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,791
Barry dreamed of being
part of the a-team.
218
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,794
They were soldiers of fortune
who drove the toughest,
most badass,
219
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,129
Most red-striped ride
to ever hit the road.
220
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:21,500
Barry, we are not buying
the a-team van.
It's not happening.
221
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:24,836
Oh, it's happening,
and I'll be hannibal
'cause I'm the smart one.
222
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:28,507
We're getting my
sporty little soft-top,
understand?
223
00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:29,140
End of discussion.
224
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:32,677
Adult adam: And with that,
barry did exactly
what he wanted.
225
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,578
He bought the van.
226
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,213
(theme from
the a-team playing)
227
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,148
Barry:
¶ duh-duh, duh, duh
228
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:38,350
¶ duh-duh, duh
229
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,519
¶ duh, duh-duh
duh, duh
230
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,786
¶ duh,
duh-duh-duh, duh ¶
231
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:44,823
(tires squealing)
erica: Stop sign!
That's a stop sign!
232
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:45,891
Barry: Whoo!
233
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:46,992
What's that smell?
234
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,960
The smell of action.
235
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:53,164
(tires squealing)
236
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:56,368
What the hell
is this thing?
237
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:59,838
Freedom.
My van, my rules.
238
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:00,639
Whoo!
239
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:03,475
This is why
I eat garbage.
240
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,781
Adult adam: In the standoff of
stubbornness with my dad,
241
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,684
Erica had taken
the upper hand.
242
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,819
What's wrong with you?
243
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,187
Who buys a crap van
244
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:18,089
With bald tires,
a broken headlight,
245
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,092
And look,
it's leaking oil
on my driveway.
246
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,061
It's even
worse in here.
247
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,362
No way!
248
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,531
You're not driving this.
It's a death trap.
249
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,867
Forget about driving it.
They're not keeping it.
250
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,203
Oh, yes, we are.
Face it. I won.
251
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,071
My van, my rules.
252
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:37,776
Oh, that's too bad,
because it's
my house, my rules.
253
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,077
House trumps van.
254
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,479
You can't do that.
You can't just
change the rules.
255
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:45,650
Well, that is a valid point,
but, uh, tough crap.
256
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,719
This isn't fair.
We paid for it.
257
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,054
Paid for it!
With our own money.
258
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,156
Money!
And if it's your house,
your rules,
259
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,425
Then we'll just move out
and live in the van.
260
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,161
Live in a van!
Wait, what?
261
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,228
Don't think of it
as a van.
262
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,864
Think of it as
a studio apartment
of freedom.
263
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,600
I don't think
I can agree
to live in a van.
264
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:02,334
Well,
I love this idea.
265
00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:06,204
Murray, no!
Our babies
can't live in a van.
266
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,906
They could get snatched
by a kidnapper
267
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,040
Who wouldn't need
a creepy van,
268
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,010
Because he's
being conveniently
provided with one.
269
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:12,877
But none of that matters
270
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:16,247
'cause you completely
back me up, right?
271
00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:17,048
(scoffs)
272
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,850
Blindly and without
question?
273
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,418
Fine,
I'll back you up.
274
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:25,323
Even though I did make
cobbler a la mode
for dessert tonight.
275
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:28,693
Ohhh! That's french talk
for "pie and ice cream."
276
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:31,029
Stay with me,
and I'll let you
paint a red stripe.
277
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,897
How does that sound,
hannibal?
278
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:35,934
Erica wins! She called me
the tv character I like.
279
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:39,204
Adult adam:
Both erica and my dad
refused to stand down,
280
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,040
So I decided to lighten the
mood with a little stand-up.
281
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:42,941
Hello, there, everybody.
282
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:46,011
Seemed like it
was a good time
for a little comedy.
283
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:46,778
No, thank you.
Go away.
284
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:51,249
So, I hear erica
is gonna be hanging out
in the back of a van.
285
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,551
Or as she likes
to call it,
286
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:54,953
A typical Saturday night.
287
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,388
Zing!
What is this?
288
00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:58,556
And, of course,
there's my mom.
289
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:01,693
Always saying,
"I have failed as a mother."
290
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:02,260
Crazy, right?
291
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,895
Although, if you
think about it,
292
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,997
Two of her kids
are living in a van,
293
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,566
And the other one's
gone into comedy.
294
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:09,734
Ay-oh!
295
00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:10,702
What is this?
296
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,470
And look...
There's the mur-man.
297
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,939
My dad is such
a slothful sack of crap,
298
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,977
Even his armchair's like,
"really? Again?"
299
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,445
What the hell is this?
300
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,280
I bombed.
See, the problem here
301
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,250
Is you horribly
misinterpreted
my advice.
302
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,819
You said, "do rickles."
I did rickles!
303
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:31,823
No, I said come up
with personal material
like rickles,
304
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:37,028
Not do insult jokes
about your family
to your family.
305
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:37,729
The good news is,
306
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,798
You had no problem
coming up
with the funny.
307
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,033
Now all you
got to do is find
the right audience.
308
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,569
Really? You think
if I come up with
something big,
309
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,771
I still have a shot
at class clown?
310
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,406
Absolutely.
311
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:51,276
Now, don't misinterpret
my advice again.
312
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:54,312
Don't be hurtful.
Just be funny.
313
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,580
I 100% got it.
314
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,648
Adult adam: But I didn't.
315
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,216
Desperate for an easy laugh,
I iced a hat box
316
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:04,723
To give to my overly
sensitive science teacher,
and it would be epic.
317
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:08,026
What's this?
It's not even my birthday.
318
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,762
Trust me.
You deserve this.
(chuckles)
319
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,897
So, you just...
320
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,632
Wow.
321
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,634
You don't know
how much
this means to me.
322
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,437
I...I honestly thought
about quitting this job.
323
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,106
I thought you kids
didn't care about science.
324
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:26,177
But this cake
means the world to me,
changes everything.
325
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,712
Thank you so much, adam.
326
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,347
My new life starts today!
327
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,717
Who wants a piece?
(thudding)
328
00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:36,154
(metal clatters)
329
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:39,491
We're looking at what?
A mean-spirited prank?
330
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,426
Pretty much.
331
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:42,127
Okay, then.
332
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,429
Everyone read chapter six.
I'll be in my office.
333
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,697
I need some
time to think.
334
00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:47,532
(door opens)
do not knock on this door.
335
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,135
Dude,
that was brutal.
336
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:52,504
Come on, guys.
It was a joke.
337
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:53,738
It's me,
the class clown.
338
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,875
It's not official,
but it could be,
right, guys?
339
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,310
I don't know
what that was,
but it was mean.
340
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,178
Well,
at the very least,
341
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:01,880
Maybe now,
I won't be voted
nicest guy.
342
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:04,849
Just so you know,
I was the one
who nominated you.
343
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:05,550
What? Why?
344
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:08,086
Why not? Since when
is being nice a bad thing?
345
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,154
Since we're in
middle school.
346
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,890
It's basically
the worst thing you
can say about a dude.
347
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,660
Not to me.
Everyone is always
trying to be funny or cool
348
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,128
Or someone they're not.
349
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,898
The last thing I want
is to be with some clown.
350
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,933
I just want
to be with you.
351
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:22,600
Or at least, I did.
352
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:26,704
Adult adam: I was no longer
the class clown or
the nicest guy in school,
353
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:27,539
And it felt awful.
354
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:31,643
Meanwhile, erica and barry
were feeling even worse
355
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:32,477
In their stinky new home
356
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,713
Adorned with a poorly
painted red stripe.
357
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:38,082
God, come on!
Would you quit moving?
358
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,284
You keep kicking me
in the face!
359
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:41,219
Hey, you're the one
who wanted to sleep
head-to-feet.
360
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:44,155
Well, I am not sleeping
face-to-face with you.
It's super weird.
361
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:48,593
No, what's super weird
is we're living
in a fricking van.
362
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,162
Look at us.
We're van people.
363
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,730
I don't want to be
van people.
364
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,300
You should have
just filled up
his damn gas tank.
365
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,101
Barry, this is not
about the gas.
366
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:58,770
It's about
freedom, honor,
367
00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:01,172
And rubbing it
in dad's face
when I win.
368
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,607
But how long
is that gonna take?
369
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:03,508
Until he cracks.
370
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,211
But dad's too stubborn,
and I'm too hungry.
371
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,881
Can't I just sneak in
and grab a giant
hunk of brisket?
372
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,415
No brisket!
373
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,984
Our days of food
and comfort are over.
374
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,286
This van is our
home now,
375
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:18,256
And this canned tuna,
our brisket.
376
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:19,424
Now eat it.
377
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,327
(whimpers)
(sighs)
378
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:23,494
Stop!
379
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,662
I can't.
What are you doing?
380
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:25,697
I'm tilting it.
You're tilting it!
381
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,632
I don't belong
here, okay?
Stop tilting it!
382
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,268
Just take it
outside!
Brisket!
383
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,204
Psst.
384
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:34,672
Mama.
385
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,407
It's me, lovebug.
386
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,609
What are you doing
out here?
387
00:14:37,611 --> 00:14:41,012
Eating tuna
and getting ready
to use the potty bush.
388
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,213
I hate being van people.
389
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,116
Shh. I brought you
a home-cooked meal.
390
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,084
Oh!
391
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,119
(grunting)
yes. Go to town.
392
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:51,155
Good boy.
Like a little badger.
393
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:52,390
(door opens)
394
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,691
You.
395
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:54,359
You.
396
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,093
What is wrong
with you?
397
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,394
You couldn't even
last one night?
398
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,096
You were supposed to
back me up, bevy,
399
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,798
And that doesn't mean
bringing the boy dinner.
400
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,800
Dear lord, what did he
do to that corn?
401
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,737
Well, I'm sick
of this, murray.
Adam was right.
402
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:08,473
I have failed
as a mother, literally.
403
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:11,876
Our children
are van people.
404
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:12,810
Please end this.
405
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:16,414
Fine. Barry, I will buy
your portion of the van,
406
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,050
Full price,
in cash.
Deal!
407
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,787
Boom!
My van, my rules! I win!
408
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,623
You will never win.
You see this face?
409
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,258
This is the face
of a winner.
410
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,093
And I don't care
how long it takes.
411
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:32,096
I will crush you
with the weight
of a thousand suns.
412
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,866
Never! I will dowse
your suns
413
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:37,268
With a thousand
buckets of water.
414
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,737
Stop. I hate how
you two always do this.
415
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,172
Me? It's his fault.
416
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,607
No, it's both of you.
417
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:46,144
You both think
you're so different,
but you're exactly the same.
418
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,012
So, if you're not
gonna end this, I will.
419
00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:51,282
I demand that
you hug each other.
420
00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:55,386
Where are
the damn huggies?
421
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,890
Adult adam: Turns out
my fake cake for mr. Woodburn
422
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,892
Got me in a very real
amount of trouble.
423
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:02,927
Thanks for coming.
424
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,395
As you know,
adam's little joke
425
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,333
Has sent mr. Woodburn
to a very dark
and horrible place.
426
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:12,704
I can assure you,
adam is very sorry
for what he did.
427
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:14,372
I'm really, really sorry.
428
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,340
That's...That's fine.
429
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,309
But we may be dealing
with larger issues here.
430
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,612
When a nice boy
like adam acts out,
431
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:24,048
It's usually because...
432
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,249
Something's going on
at home.
433
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,417
What are you saying,
earl?
434
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,919
Well, I'm saying
it came to my attention
435
00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:30,888
That a couple
of your children
are van people.
436
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:34,559
No, no, no. None of our
children are van people.
(scoffs)
437
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:35,927
They tried
to live in a van,
438
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:39,630
But those morons
didn't even make it
through the night.
439
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,765
What my husband means
440
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,634
Is that there was
a minor disagreement
441
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,236
That resulted in our kids
442
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:49,340
Briefly moving into
a carpeted vehicle.
443
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:50,341
What you doing?
444
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,976
Um, I'm just
taking some notes.
445
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:55,446
It looks like a "v."
you better not be
writing "van people."
446
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,449
I can confirm
that the "v"
is for "van."
447
00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,984
How dare you
question our parenting?
448
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:03,621
I'll have you know
that we are very
loving and kind,
449
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,423
And each one
of our little angels
450
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,960
Cherishes every moment
spent in our home.
451
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,895
(panting) there you are!
452
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:11,929
Erica's at
the bus station.
453
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,098
She told lainey
she's buying a ticket
to new york
454
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:17,368
So she never
has to live in your
stupid house again.
455
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:19,504
Adult adam: True to her word,
456
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:22,940
My sister went to new stubborn
heights by fleeing the state.
457
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,410
Beverly: We're
blocked in by a bus?
458
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,178
How is that
even possible?
459
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,246
It's a school!
460
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,448
(sighs) we're never
gonna make it in time.
461
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,116
Oh, yes, you will.
462
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:35,920
(theme from
the a-team playing)
(brakes screeching)
463
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,321
¶ duh-duh, duh, duh
464
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,090
Oh! Oh!
¶ ba, ba, ba ¶
465
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,291
Stop with that song!
466
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,861
Shut up! I love you,
but shut up!
467
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,799
(engine sputtering)
468
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:51,669
(theme music slows down)
beverly: No, no, no, no,
no, not slower! Faster!
469
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,104
Hit the gas, barry!
470
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:56,574
What's happening?
Why isn't my
a-team van working?
471
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,142
Murray: Look.
You ran out of gas.
472
00:17:58,144 --> 00:18:01,079
But there was
half a tank
this morning.
473
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,513
Murray: Morons!
474
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:06,284
Okay, we got to
mobilize and track
down my little girl.
475
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,351
I'll call the police
and set up a roadblock.
476
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:10,321
Murray, you call all
your new york city
furniture contacts.
477
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:13,191
Honey,
she's right there.
478
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:18,096
Ohhh! My little munchkin.
I got to go squeeze her.
479
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,831
No, no, no, no.
480
00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:22,500
I think I should be
the one to talk to her.
481
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:27,105
(bruce hornsby and the range's
that's the way it is playing)
482
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:32,510
Well, if you were
trying to kill us
from worry,
483
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:35,446
You're the big
winner here.
484
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:35,980
No, you are.
485
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:40,985
I know I always talk about
how much I hate this house
and your dumb rules.
486
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:44,489
(sighs) but when
I actually got
a chance to go,
487
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,123
I couldn't do it.
488
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:48,759
Yeah. This one
really got away from us.
489
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:51,729
I am so damn stubborn
that I almost ran away,
490
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,564
Because I didn't want
to put gas in the car.
491
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:57,635
All right.
So, you and me,
we don't back down.
492
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,936
I don't see that
as a bad thing.
493
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:02,373
You don't seriously
believe that, do you?
Oh, yeah.
494
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,643
When I was your age,
I was a crappy student.
495
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,646
There was this guidance
counselor who told me
496
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:09,947
That I should
take up a trade
497
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,651
'cause no college would
ever take a guy like me.
498
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,186
So out of spite,
499
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:17,221
I worked my butt off.
500
00:19:17,223 --> 00:19:18,656
I got into penn state,
501
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,391
And that's where
I met your mother.
502
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:21,792
So, I literally
wouldn't be here
503
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,362
If you weren't such
a pigheaded jerk?
504
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:25,263
That is correct.
505
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:29,500
And mark my words,
when you do finally
leave this house,
506
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,603
The world
better watch out.
507
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:34,305
(sighs)
508
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,375
But give me
a few more years.
509
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:40,645
I'm not ready
to let you
go just yet.
510
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,183
Adult adam: As my dad
and my sister finally
embraced who they were,
511
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,618
I realized it was time
for me to do the same.
512
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,887
Mr. Woodburn,
I made you this.
513
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,689
¶ 'cause the law don't
change another's mind ¶
514
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,225
I don't get it.
What's the joke?
515
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:54,825
No joke.
516
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,695
Just wanted to show
my favorite teacher
517
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,696
That I'm sorry.
518
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,865
Favorite? Wow.
Thank you.
519
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:04,135
Adult adam: 'cause in the end,
it's not about labels people
give you.
520
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:07,305
It's about being okay
with who you really are.
521
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:08,172
That was nice, adam.
522
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,341
Yeah, well, that's
what I was going for.
523
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:13,477
Adult adam: And I may not
have been the class clown,
524
00:20:13,479 --> 00:20:14,278
But lucky for me,
525
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:18,849
Nice guys don't
always finish last.
526
00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:23,054
(laughing)
527
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,928
(ding)
528
00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:41,205
Please welcome david sirota!
529
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,474
(inaudible)
530
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,209
(inaudible)
531
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:49,647
(adam, barry
and erica laughing)
(inaudible)
532
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:50,114
(laughing)
533
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,750
(tv turns off)
okay, enough
with this potty mouth
534
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:53,484
In the leather trousers.
535
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:57,321
I'm gonna show you
what funny was
back in my day.
536
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,589
Pops:
¶ oh
537
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,993
¶ I took my new girl
to the fishing hole
538
00:21:01,995 --> 00:21:05,029
¶ I gave her my jacket
'cause she was cold
539
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:09,233
¶ I puckered my lips
I offered my tongue
540
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,135
¶ and that's when she said
541
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,237
¶ no, thank you
we're done ¶
542
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,672
Hey!
543
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,775
That was...
544
00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:18,542
Good.
545
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:21,279
Yeah, I liked
the part about the...
546
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,748
What was it?
The fishing place?
547
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,215
Hole.
548
00:21:24,217 --> 00:21:26,017
(chuckles)
he said "hole."
549
00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:28,286
(all laughing)