1 00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:02,735 Adult adam: Back in the '80s, stand-up comedy exploded. 2 00:00:02,737 --> 00:00:05,804 We'd spent hours watching the greats like sam kinison, 3 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,406 Garry shandling, billy crystal, 4 00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,775 And my personal favorite... (all laughing) 5 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:10,676 The diceman. 6 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,511 I can't believe he said that! 7 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:13,312 I know! (laughs) 8 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:14,813 Adult adam: They weren't just my heroes. 9 00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,315 They were my inspirations. 10 00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:20,686 Sure, I never stood in front of a red brick wall with a microphone. 11 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:21,320 (all gasp) 12 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,723 But I still fancied myself quite the comedian. 13 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,125 Nothing but rim. 14 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:26,959 (all laughing) 15 00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:30,129 Yep, I wasn't afraid to get my hands dirty to get a laugh. 16 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,430 Oh, you got a little something. 17 00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,531 Uh, right here? 18 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,099 Right here. Oh, right...Right... 19 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:34,800 Right here, yeah. 20 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,368 (all laughing) adult adam: And I knew one day, 21 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:39,304 I'd get the get the ultimate achievement in comedy... Class clown. 22 00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:41,106 Sorry I'm late. Yearbook is killing me. 23 00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,107 Here, let me carry that for you. 24 00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:45,310 So you can see who's getting voted class clown? Nice try. 25 00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,046 Please. Just let me see it. 26 00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,914 For your sugar bear? 27 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,949 (sighs) just take it. 28 00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,319 Yes! I got best hair on a man. 29 00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:57,222 Oh, yeah. (chuckles) shut up, dave kim. 30 00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,426 Read it and weep. I am... 31 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:03,562 Adult adam: Unfortunately, I got the opposite of that. 32 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,031 "nicest guy"? Are you fricking kidding me? 33 00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:07,800 What? It's a good thing. Dave kim: No, it's not. 34 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:12,838 "nicest guy" is code for "boring guy who just has okay hair." 35 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,506 (school bell rings) 36 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,575 So, who's getting class clown? 37 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,309 Better not be mike levy 38 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,945 'cause he didn't choose for milk to come out of his nose. 39 00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:22,181 He has a deviated septum. So lucky. 40 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,483 David sirota... By a landslide. 41 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,384 Are you kidding me? 42 00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:28,454 People think that putz is funnier than me? 43 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,389 (makes farting noise) 44 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,723 (students laughing) woodburn: Okay. 45 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,726 Whoever's doing that, just stop it! Just stop right now. 46 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,496 David sirota isn't funny. He's ridiculous. 47 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:40,599 Always dancing in the halls and talking trash at gym. 48 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,202 And this bit with mr. Woodburn... 49 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:43,936 Amateur hour. 50 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:46,538 Everyone knows making poots is cheap. 51 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,906 (makes farting noise) 52 00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:49,741 (students laughing) 53 00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:51,176 I am an adult and an educator, 54 00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:52,945 And I command you to stop right now 55 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:55,581 In the name of stephen hawking. Just stop it! 56 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:56,915 Is sirota funnier than me? 57 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,084 For sure, bro. You're not funny. 58 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,419 Of course, I am! It's a fact. 59 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,888 Like africa's hot or the sun sets in the west. 60 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,123 I don't know about that stuff, 61 00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,358 But I definitely know you're not funny. 62 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,893 Erica, back me up here. 63 00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,062 I'd like to, but barry's right. 64 00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:11,563 You use comedy as a defense mechanism, 65 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:14,099 But that doesn't make you a funny person 66 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,033 That people laugh with. 67 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,669 It makes you a lame-o that people laugh at. 68 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,370 But funny's my thing. 69 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:22,708 I mean, I'm not an athlete or a brain or a theater star. 70 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:26,578 So, if I'm not funny, what am I? 71 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:27,546 You're really nice. 72 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,647 Stop saying that! 73 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:32,551 I'm funny, and there's nothing you or anyone else can say 74 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,652 That can change my mind. 75 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,453 That's right, squishy. 76 00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:38,223 I think you are the funniest boy in the whole wide world. 77 00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,791 (kissing) 78 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:40,893 We rest our case. 79 00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:42,895 You're a wild and crazy guy! 80 00:02:42,897 --> 00:02:45,964 Again, we rest our case. 81 00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,299 ¶ I'm twisted up inside 82 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:51,303 ¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 83 00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:54,573 ¶ I don't know the future 84 00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:58,443 ¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶ 85 00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,580 Adult adam: It was may 10, 1980, something, and my dad was pondering 86 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,616 The number-one issue plaguing all fathers. 87 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:05,417 Okay, I'm going to lainey's. 88 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:08,020 Not so fast! You didn't fill up the car last night. 89 00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,856 I want a full tank when you get home, no excuses! 90 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,326 Adult adam: Like all dads, mine was obsessed with the gas tank. 91 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,094 I drove the car this morning. 92 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,095 There's a ton of gas in it. 93 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,565 All right, let's take a walk, shall we? 94 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,434 Look at the gas gauge! Look at it! 95 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:23,669 Yeah, so? It's half full. 96 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,337 Which is as good as empty! 97 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,305 Ugh, not this again! 98 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:29,341 We never break the half-a-tank threshold. 99 00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,475 My car, my rules! 100 00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:32,778 Fine, then I'll just walk everywhere (clicking) 101 00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,647 For the rest of my life! (garage door opening) 102 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:41,019 Ho, ho! Yeah, go out walking in that. 103 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:43,488 Adult adam: This is how it went with my dad and my sis. 104 00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,924 They were the two most stubborn people on the planet. 105 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:49,428 I told you, no chewing gum with your braces! 106 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:52,297 God, it's just a pinch! I can do what I want! 107 00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:53,065 My gum, my rules. 108 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,601 Adult adam: Yep, the tiniest of arguments could last months. 109 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:59,538 Both had to win, and neither would ever back down. 110 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:00,405 Ha! I win! 111 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,708 Adult adam: Even if it meant going to the hospital 112 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:05,744 With a bubble gum related injury. 113 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,578 Erica, please. 114 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,846 There might be lightning outside. 115 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:12,584 Good. I would rather get struck by a bolt of red-hot sky fire 116 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,019 Than cave to his stupid will. 117 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,388 Okay, you know what? I'll fill up the tank. 118 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,291 No. You got to back me up on this. 119 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,525 My car, my rules. 120 00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:23,161 I support you on every stupid little thing. 121 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:27,165 You mean sit in your chair and blindly yell, "listen to your mother"? 122 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,533 Exactly. No. 123 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,369 Do not back him up on this. 124 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,804 He is wrong, and you know it. 125 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,439 Just do what your father says. 126 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,475 I can't deal with you people! 127 00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,343 Adult adam: It seemed round one went to erica. 128 00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,012 (thunder rumbling) (erica screams) 129 00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:42,814 God, I can't wait to get out of this house 130 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:43,515 And get away from you! 131 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,785 Adult adam: But actually, round one went to my dad. 132 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,489 And that is how you parent. 133 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:54,459 Man, barry and erica have really got in my head. 134 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,027 Am I unfunny? 135 00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:57,262 Are people laughing at me, not with me? 136 00:04:57,264 --> 00:05:01,566 Absolutely not. You've got your sense of humor from me, 137 00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:04,136 And I'm hilarious. 138 00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:06,772 ¶ my girlfriend had a kitty 139 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:10,342 ¶ she came from kansas city ¶ oh, my god, stop. 140 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,977 Hilarious. (chuckles) 141 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:12,978 But I still need to find a way 142 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,647 To beat david sirota for class clown. 143 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,715 Well, then, let me help. 144 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:19,017 You know, when I was your age, 145 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,620 I was busboying in the catskills. 146 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,422 I saw all the greats. 147 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,489 Really? Like who? 148 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:28,293 Harry 'bottles' mcnaughton, stubby kaye, 149 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,227 The kippleman brothers. 150 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:32,197 One would talk and then the other one would talk, 151 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,999 And then the first one would talk. 152 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,234 Their act was actually just okay. 153 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,603 Yeah, it doesn't sound very current. 154 00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,173 But I've, like, memorized tons of jokes 155 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,641 From all my favorite comedians. 156 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:45,043 Maybe I can bring some of their stuff into school. 157 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,612 Yes. Let others do the work for you. 158 00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,282 Adult adam: And so, I pulled out all the greats. 159 00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:51,016 Great wall of china! 160 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:54,052 Adult adam: First, sam kinison. (screaming) say it! Say it! 161 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:54,986 (screaming) 162 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:58,390 Adult adam: And then, I sprinkled in a little gallagher. 163 00:05:58,392 --> 00:05:59,591 And then finish them off 164 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,427 With a classic poem by andrew dice clay. 165 00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:05,230 "old mother hubbard went to the cupboard 166 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,798 "to get her dog a bone 167 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,168 "when she (bleep) rover took over 168 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,170 "and gave her a (bleep) 169 00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,505 "oh!" 170 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,474 Go to your room! 171 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,341 (sighs) 172 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:19,144 I'm sorry I yelled and punished you. 173 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,046 Yeah, I hadn't seen that side of you before. 174 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,582 I just don't understand how you could say 175 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,984 Those horrible things about old mother hubbard. 176 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,986 That's her dog. They're friends. 177 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,756 I guess barry and erica are right. I'm not funny. 178 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:33,325 Pal, you're funny, but comedy is personal. 179 00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:37,195 Think of jokes from your world, stuff you know about. 180 00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:39,131 You think? Of course. 181 00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,500 Take my favorite comedian, don rickles. 182 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,336 He tells jokes about the people in his world, 183 00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,605 And he keeps it personal. 184 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,173 Keep it personal. Yeah. 185 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:52,944 Yeah. I think that could work. Thanks, pops. 186 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,346 Anytime. 187 00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:58,183 Old mother hubbard just wanted to feed her poor dog, and he... 188 00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,985 Got to let it go, man. Got to let it go. 189 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,254 Adult adam: Meanwhile, erica had a plan on how to defeat my dad, 190 00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:07,392 And it required stirring up the most easily stirred-up person on the planet. 191 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:10,695 Damn it! I'm so mad at dad! 192 00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:11,396 Aren't you mad? 193 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,999 No. Why? Should I be? What did he do now? 194 00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,034 Well, he's always saying, "my car, my rules," 195 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:19,638 And forcing us to fill up his gas tank like we're his slaves. 196 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:23,842 He is always talking about that stupid gas! 197 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,610 It makes me very angry. 198 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,511 Well, we can fight back. 199 00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:29,448 I say we pool our money together and buy our own ride. 200 00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:33,452 That way, dad can never say "my car, my rules" ever again. 201 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:34,653 Yes! Let's fight! 202 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,388 God, I have so much rage in my body right now. 203 00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:39,791 Well, let's do this. I only have 60 bucks. How much you got? 204 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:44,129 Oh, I have to move some stuff around but roughly 1200. 205 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,397 Dollars? How? 206 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:48,200 Basically, you've inherited dad's stubbornness, 207 00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:49,801 And I inherited his cheapness. 208 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,838 You see, every day for lunch, mom gives me $2. 209 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,639 I spend 25 cents on chocolate milk 210 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,376 And eat food scraps off friends' plates and random tables. 211 00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,277 We can get any car we want. 212 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:02,814 See? Right here. Look at this sweet little cabriolet. 213 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,281 No, no, no! 214 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,718 It's my cash, and I know exactly what we're buying. 215 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,687 Erica: A crappy van? Better. 216 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,089 Adult adam: Better, indeed. Like every kid back then, 217 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,791 Barry dreamed of being part of the a-team. 218 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,794 They were soldiers of fortune who drove the toughest, most badass, 219 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,129 Most red-striped ride to ever hit the road. 220 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:21,500 Barry, we are not buying the a-team van. It's not happening. 221 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:24,836 Oh, it's happening, and I'll be hannibal 'cause I'm the smart one. 222 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:28,507 We're getting my sporty little soft-top, understand? 223 00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:29,140 End of discussion. 224 00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:32,677 Adult adam: And with that, barry did exactly what he wanted. 225 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,578 He bought the van. 226 00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,213 (theme from the a-team playing) 227 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,148 Barry: ¶ duh-duh, duh, duh 228 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:38,350 ¶ duh-duh, duh 229 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,519 ¶ duh, duh-duh duh, duh 230 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,786 ¶ duh, duh-duh-duh, duh ¶ 231 00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:44,823 (tires squealing) erica: Stop sign! That's a stop sign! 232 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:45,891 Barry: Whoo! 233 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:46,992 What's that smell? 234 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,960 The smell of action. 235 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:53,164 (tires squealing) 236 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:56,368 What the hell is this thing? 237 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:59,838 Freedom. My van, my rules. 238 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:00,639 Whoo! 239 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:03,475 This is why I eat garbage. 240 00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,781 Adult adam: In the standoff of stubbornness with my dad, 241 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,684 Erica had taken the upper hand. 242 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,819 What's wrong with you? 243 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,187 Who buys a crap van 244 00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:18,089 With bald tires, a broken headlight, 245 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,092 And look, it's leaking oil on my driveway. 246 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,061 It's even worse in here. 247 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,362 No way! 248 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,531 You're not driving this. It's a death trap. 249 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,867 Forget about driving it. They're not keeping it. 250 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,203 Oh, yes, we are. Face it. I won. 251 00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,071 My van, my rules. 252 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:37,776 Oh, that's too bad, because it's my house, my rules. 253 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,077 House trumps van. 254 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,479 You can't do that. You can't just change the rules. 255 00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:45,650 Well, that is a valid point, but, uh, tough crap. 256 00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,719 This isn't fair. We paid for it. 257 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,054 Paid for it! With our own money. 258 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,156 Money! And if it's your house, your rules, 259 00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,425 Then we'll just move out and live in the van. 260 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,161 Live in a van! Wait, what? 261 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,228 Don't think of it as a van. 262 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,864 Think of it as a studio apartment of freedom. 263 00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,600 I don't think I can agree to live in a van. 264 00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:02,334 Well, I love this idea. 265 00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:06,204 Murray, no! Our babies can't live in a van. 266 00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,906 They could get snatched by a kidnapper 267 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,040 Who wouldn't need a creepy van, 268 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,010 Because he's being conveniently provided with one. 269 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:12,877 But none of that matters 270 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:16,247 'cause you completely back me up, right? 271 00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:17,048 (scoffs) 272 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,850 Blindly and without question? 273 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,418 Fine, I'll back you up. 274 00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:25,323 Even though I did make cobbler a la mode for dessert tonight. 275 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:28,693 Ohhh! That's french talk for "pie and ice cream." 276 00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:31,029 Stay with me, and I'll let you paint a red stripe. 277 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,897 How does that sound, hannibal? 278 00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:35,934 Erica wins! She called me the tv character I like. 279 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:39,204 Adult adam: Both erica and my dad refused to stand down, 280 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,040 So I decided to lighten the mood with a little stand-up. 281 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:42,941 Hello, there, everybody. 282 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:46,011 Seemed like it was a good time for a little comedy. 283 00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:46,778 No, thank you. Go away. 284 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:51,249 So, I hear erica is gonna be hanging out in the back of a van. 285 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,551 Or as she likes to call it, 286 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:54,953 A typical Saturday night. 287 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,388 Zing! What is this? 288 00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:58,556 And, of course, there's my mom. 289 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:01,693 Always saying, "I have failed as a mother." 290 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:02,260 Crazy, right? 291 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,895 Although, if you think about it, 292 00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,997 Two of her kids are living in a van, 293 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,566 And the other one's gone into comedy. 294 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:09,734 Ay-oh! 295 00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:10,702 What is this? 296 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,470 And look... There's the mur-man. 297 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,939 My dad is such a slothful sack of crap, 298 00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,977 Even his armchair's like, "really? Again?" 299 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,445 What the hell is this? 300 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,280 I bombed. See, the problem here 301 00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,250 Is you horribly misinterpreted my advice. 302 00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,819 You said, "do rickles." I did rickles! 303 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:31,823 No, I said come up with personal material like rickles, 304 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:37,028 Not do insult jokes about your family to your family. 305 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:37,729 The good news is, 306 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,798 You had no problem coming up with the funny. 307 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,033 Now all you got to do is find the right audience. 308 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,569 Really? You think if I come up with something big, 309 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,771 I still have a shot at class clown? 310 00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,406 Absolutely. 311 00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:51,276 Now, don't misinterpret my advice again. 312 00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:54,312 Don't be hurtful. Just be funny. 313 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,580 I 100% got it. 314 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,648 Adult adam: But I didn't. 315 00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,216 Desperate for an easy laugh, I iced a hat box 316 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:04,723 To give to my overly sensitive science teacher, and it would be epic. 317 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:08,026 What's this? It's not even my birthday. 318 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,762 Trust me. You deserve this. (chuckles) 319 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,897 So, you just... 320 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,632 Wow. 321 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,634 You don't know how much this means to me. 322 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,437 I...I honestly thought about quitting this job. 323 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,106 I thought you kids didn't care about science. 324 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:26,177 But this cake means the world to me, changes everything. 325 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,712 Thank you so much, adam. 326 00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,347 My new life starts today! 327 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,717 Who wants a piece? (thudding) 328 00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:36,154 (metal clatters) 329 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:39,491 We're looking at what? A mean-spirited prank? 330 00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,426 Pretty much. 331 00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:42,127 Okay, then. 332 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,429 Everyone read chapter six. I'll be in my office. 333 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,697 I need some time to think. 334 00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:47,532 (door opens) do not knock on this door. 335 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,135 Dude, that was brutal. 336 00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:52,504 Come on, guys. It was a joke. 337 00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:53,738 It's me, the class clown. 338 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,875 It's not official, but it could be, right, guys? 339 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,310 I don't know what that was, but it was mean. 340 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,178 Well, at the very least, 341 00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:01,880 Maybe now, I won't be voted nicest guy. 342 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:04,849 Just so you know, I was the one who nominated you. 343 00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:05,550 What? Why? 344 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:08,086 Why not? Since when is being nice a bad thing? 345 00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,154 Since we're in middle school. 346 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,890 It's basically the worst thing you can say about a dude. 347 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,660 Not to me. Everyone is always trying to be funny or cool 348 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,128 Or someone they're not. 349 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,898 The last thing I want is to be with some clown. 350 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,933 I just want to be with you. 351 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:22,600 Or at least, I did. 352 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:26,704 Adult adam: I was no longer the class clown or the nicest guy in school, 353 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:27,539 And it felt awful. 354 00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:31,643 Meanwhile, erica and barry were feeling even worse 355 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:32,477 In their stinky new home 356 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,713 Adorned with a poorly painted red stripe. 357 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:38,082 God, come on! Would you quit moving? 358 00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,284 You keep kicking me in the face! 359 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:41,219 Hey, you're the one who wanted to sleep head-to-feet. 360 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:44,155 Well, I am not sleeping face-to-face with you. It's super weird. 361 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:48,593 No, what's super weird is we're living in a fricking van. 362 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,162 Look at us. We're van people. 363 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,730 I don't want to be van people. 364 00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,300 You should have just filled up his damn gas tank. 365 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,101 Barry, this is not about the gas. 366 00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:58,770 It's about freedom, honor, 367 00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:01,172 And rubbing it in dad's face when I win. 368 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,607 But how long is that gonna take? 369 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:03,508 Until he cracks. 370 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,211 But dad's too stubborn, and I'm too hungry. 371 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,881 Can't I just sneak in and grab a giant hunk of brisket? 372 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,415 No brisket! 373 00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,984 Our days of food and comfort are over. 374 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,286 This van is our home now, 375 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:18,256 And this canned tuna, our brisket. 376 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:19,424 Now eat it. 377 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,327 (whimpers) (sighs) 378 00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:23,494 Stop! 379 00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,662 I can't. What are you doing? 380 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:25,697 I'm tilting it. You're tilting it! 381 00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,632 I don't belong here, okay? Stop tilting it! 382 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,268 Just take it outside! Brisket! 383 00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,204 Psst. 384 00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:34,672 Mama. 385 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,407 It's me, lovebug. 386 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,609 What are you doing out here? 387 00:14:37,611 --> 00:14:41,012 Eating tuna and getting ready to use the potty bush. 388 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,213 I hate being van people. 389 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,116 Shh. I brought you a home-cooked meal. 390 00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,084 Oh! 391 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,119 (grunting) yes. Go to town. 392 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:51,155 Good boy. Like a little badger. 393 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:52,390 (door opens) 394 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,691 You. 395 00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:54,359 You. 396 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,093 What is wrong with you? 397 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,394 You couldn't even last one night? 398 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,096 You were supposed to back me up, bevy, 399 00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,798 And that doesn't mean bringing the boy dinner. 400 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,800 Dear lord, what did he do to that corn? 401 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,737 Well, I'm sick of this, murray. Adam was right. 402 00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:08,473 I have failed as a mother, literally. 403 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:11,876 Our children are van people. 404 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:12,810 Please end this. 405 00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:16,414 Fine. Barry, I will buy your portion of the van, 406 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,050 Full price, in cash. Deal! 407 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,787 Boom! My van, my rules! I win! 408 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,623 You will never win. You see this face? 409 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,258 This is the face of a winner. 410 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,093 And I don't care how long it takes. 411 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:32,096 I will crush you with the weight of a thousand suns. 412 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,866 Never! I will dowse your suns 413 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:37,268 With a thousand buckets of water. 414 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,737 Stop. I hate how you two always do this. 415 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,172 Me? It's his fault. 416 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,607 No, it's both of you. 417 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:46,144 You both think you're so different, but you're exactly the same. 418 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,012 So, if you're not gonna end this, I will. 419 00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:51,282 I demand that you hug each other. 420 00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:55,386 Where are the damn huggies? 421 00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,890 Adult adam: Turns out my fake cake for mr. Woodburn 422 00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,892 Got me in a very real amount of trouble. 423 00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:02,927 Thanks for coming. 424 00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,395 As you know, adam's little joke 425 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,333 Has sent mr. Woodburn to a very dark and horrible place. 426 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:12,704 I can assure you, adam is very sorry for what he did. 427 00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:14,372 I'm really, really sorry. 428 00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,340 That's...That's fine. 429 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,309 But we may be dealing with larger issues here. 430 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,612 When a nice boy like adam acts out, 431 00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:24,048 It's usually because... 432 00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,249 Something's going on at home. 433 00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,417 What are you saying, earl? 434 00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,919 Well, I'm saying it came to my attention 435 00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:30,888 That a couple of your children are van people. 436 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:34,559 No, no, no. None of our children are van people. (scoffs) 437 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:35,927 They tried to live in a van, 438 00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:39,630 But those morons didn't even make it through the night. 439 00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,765 What my husband means 440 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,634 Is that there was a minor disagreement 441 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,236 That resulted in our kids 442 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:49,340 Briefly moving into a carpeted vehicle. 443 00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:50,341 What you doing? 444 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,976 Um, I'm just taking some notes. 445 00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:55,446 It looks like a "v." you better not be writing "van people." 446 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,449 I can confirm that the "v" is for "van." 447 00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,984 How dare you question our parenting? 448 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:03,621 I'll have you know that we are very loving and kind, 449 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,423 And each one of our little angels 450 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,960 Cherishes every moment spent in our home. 451 00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,895 (panting) there you are! 452 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:11,929 Erica's at the bus station. 453 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,098 She told lainey she's buying a ticket to new york 454 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:17,368 So she never has to live in your stupid house again. 455 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:19,504 Adult adam: True to her word, 456 00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:22,940 My sister went to new stubborn heights by fleeing the state. 457 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,410 Beverly: We're blocked in by a bus? 458 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,178 How is that even possible? 459 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,246 It's a school! 460 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,448 (sighs) we're never gonna make it in time. 461 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,116 Oh, yes, you will. 462 00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:35,920 (theme from the a-team playing) (brakes screeching) 463 00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,321 ¶ duh-duh, duh, duh 464 00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,090 Oh! Oh! ¶ ba, ba, ba ¶ 465 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,291 Stop with that song! 466 00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,861 Shut up! I love you, but shut up! 467 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,799 (engine sputtering) 468 00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:51,669 (theme music slows down) beverly: No, no, no, no, no, not slower! Faster! 469 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,104 Hit the gas, barry! 470 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:56,574 What's happening? Why isn't my a-team van working? 471 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,142 Murray: Look. You ran out of gas. 472 00:17:58,144 --> 00:18:01,079 But there was half a tank this morning. 473 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,513 Murray: Morons! 474 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:06,284 Okay, we got to mobilize and track down my little girl. 475 00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,351 I'll call the police and set up a roadblock. 476 00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:10,321 Murray, you call all your new york city furniture contacts. 477 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:13,191 Honey, she's right there. 478 00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:18,096 Ohhh! My little munchkin. I got to go squeeze her. 479 00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,831 No, no, no, no. 480 00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:22,500 I think I should be the one to talk to her. 481 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:27,105 (bruce hornsby and the range's that's the way it is playing) 482 00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:32,510 Well, if you were trying to kill us from worry, 483 00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:35,446 You're the big winner here. 484 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:35,980 No, you are. 485 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:40,985 I know I always talk about how much I hate this house and your dumb rules. 486 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:44,489 (sighs) but when I actually got a chance to go, 487 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,123 I couldn't do it. 488 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:48,759 Yeah. This one really got away from us. 489 00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:51,729 I am so damn stubborn that I almost ran away, 490 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,564 Because I didn't want to put gas in the car. 491 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:57,635 All right. So, you and me, we don't back down. 492 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,936 I don't see that as a bad thing. 493 00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:02,373 You don't seriously believe that, do you? Oh, yeah. 494 00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,643 When I was your age, I was a crappy student. 495 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,646 There was this guidance counselor who told me 496 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:09,947 That I should take up a trade 497 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,651 'cause no college would ever take a guy like me. 498 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,186 So out of spite, 499 00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:17,221 I worked my butt off. 500 00:19:17,223 --> 00:19:18,656 I got into penn state, 501 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,391 And that's where I met your mother. 502 00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:21,792 So, I literally wouldn't be here 503 00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,362 If you weren't such a pigheaded jerk? 504 00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:25,263 That is correct. 505 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:29,500 And mark my words, when you do finally leave this house, 506 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,603 The world better watch out. 507 00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:34,305 (sighs) 508 00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,375 But give me a few more years. 509 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:40,645 I'm not ready to let you go just yet. 510 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,183 Adult adam: As my dad and my sister finally embraced who they were, 511 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,618 I realized it was time for me to do the same. 512 00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,887 Mr. Woodburn, I made you this. 513 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,689 ¶ 'cause the law don't change another's mind ¶ 514 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,225 I don't get it. What's the joke? 515 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:54,825 No joke. 516 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,695 Just wanted to show my favorite teacher 517 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,696 That I'm sorry. 518 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,865 Favorite? Wow. Thank you. 519 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:04,135 Adult adam: 'cause in the end, it's not about labels people give you. 520 00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:07,305 It's about being okay with who you really are. 521 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:08,172 That was nice, adam. 522 00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,341 Yeah, well, that's what I was going for. 523 00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:13,477 Adult adam: And I may not have been the class clown, 524 00:20:13,479 --> 00:20:14,278 But lucky for me, 525 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:18,849 Nice guys don't always finish last. 526 00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:23,054 (laughing) 527 00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,928 (ding) 528 00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:41,205 Please welcome david sirota! 529 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,474 (inaudible) 530 00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,209 (inaudible) 531 00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:49,647 (adam, barry and erica laughing) (inaudible) 532 00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:50,114 (laughing) 533 00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,750 (tv turns off) okay, enough with this potty mouth 534 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:53,484 In the leather trousers. 535 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:57,321 I'm gonna show you what funny was back in my day. 536 00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,589 Pops: ¶ oh 537 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,993 ¶ I took my new girl to the fishing hole 538 00:21:01,995 --> 00:21:05,029 ¶ I gave her my jacket 'cause she was cold 539 00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:09,233 ¶ I puckered my lips I offered my tongue 540 00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,135 ¶ and that's when she said 541 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,237 ¶ no, thank you we're done ¶ 542 00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,672 Hey! 543 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,775 That was... 544 00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:18,542 Good. 545 00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:21,279 Yeah, I liked the part about the... 546 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,748 What was it? The fishing place? 547 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,215 Hole. 548 00:21:24,217 --> 00:21:26,017 (chuckles) he said "hole." 549 00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:28,286 (all laughing)