1 00:00:00,266 --> 00:00:02,501 Adult adam: Back in the '80s, my mom forced us to take 2 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:06,505 The most embarrassing family photos in human history. 3 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,940 Did we agree because we loved her? 4 00:00:07,942 --> 00:00:11,143 Oh, god, no. We did it 'cause she guilted us. 5 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,978 This is so brutal. 6 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,446 But one day, when you abandon me 7 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,482 In an old-age home and never visit, 8 00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:17,683 You'll look at these pictures 9 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,184 And remember how much I loved you. 10 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:21,120 Now, everybody say mahalo. 11 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,154 All: Mahalo! 12 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,390 And her guilting wasn't just for family photos. 13 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,492 It was for family everything. 14 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:27,860 Baby, if you don't eat, 15 00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:29,595 Then I have failed as a mother. 16 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:32,998 I'm gonna die one day, but have fun with your friends. 17 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,434 When I die, don't have a funeral. 18 00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,002 I don't want to take up anybody's time. 19 00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,538 And then there was her signature guilt move. 20 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,540 If we were driving, and she didn't get her way, 21 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,943 She'd jump out of the car and threaten to walk home. 22 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,078 Get back in the car, mom! 23 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,515 We want to have a picnic with you, okay? Barry: Yeah! 24 00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:52,818 I'm so stoked to eat chicken salad on the ground! 25 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:56,121 Well, if that's what you want, then...Yay! Picnic! 26 00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:59,224 Yep. It was her guilt world, and we were just living in it. 27 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,192 Hey, where are the car keys? 28 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,260 We're gonna grab a bite before the movie. 29 00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:04,430 Movie? I thought we had plans to bedazzle all day. 30 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,131 I think you might have dreamed that. 31 00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:08,500 Well, it's possible, but we're all set up, 32 00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,637 So let's make those drab clothes sparkle, huh? 33 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:14,440 Oh, no. What is that? Oh, my god! 34 00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:15,441 It's a harlequin clown 35 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:18,143 Riding a unicorn high fiving a dolphin. Duh! 36 00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:21,280 Yeah, I think we're gonna pass on the debazzler. 37 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,948 Okay, now you're just embarrassing yourself. 38 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:27,820 It's bedazzler, as in regular items become dazzled. 39 00:01:27,822 --> 00:01:30,055 (scoffs) and if you don't wanna do that, 40 00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,723 I'll just join you at the movie. 41 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:32,391 No way! Oh, my god! 42 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,427 Come on. I hardly ever get to see you anymore, 43 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,030 And you're both growing up so fast, and... 44 00:01:38,032 --> 00:01:40,566 You did promise we'd spend the day together. 45 00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,668 Again, that was a dream. 46 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,269 (sighs) it'll be fun. 47 00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,505 Afterwards, we can grab a bite, 48 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:47,706 Split a giant cookie, 49 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,074 You can ride the little mall train 50 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,909 If you're still into it. Ain't no thang. 51 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:53,946 Okay, here is the thang. No. 52 00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,014 Wow. I am being rejected by two people 53 00:01:56,016 --> 00:02:00,352 Who were tethered to my body for nine months by a food cord. 54 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,454 (sighs) that's right. Everything I ate, 55 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,357 You got a tiny, mushed-up version of. Everything! 56 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:07,559 I don't think that's how science works. 57 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,560 You know what? Go. 58 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,062 I'm not even sad. I'm great. 59 00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:13,432 Aw, come on. Not the little pack of tissues! 60 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,968 Barry: Mom tears are the worst tears ever! 61 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:18,003 Fine. Well, if we have no choice... 62 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:21,073 Oh, that's so sweet! And don't you worry. 63 00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:23,909 I promise you won't even notice I'm there. 64 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:26,712 Hey, check out my new jacket. 65 00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:30,215 Oh, no! Oh, my god! 66 00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:32,784 ¶ I'm twisted up inside 67 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:37,189 ¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 68 00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:40,159 ¶ I don't know the future 69 00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:44,363 ¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶ 70 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,231 Adult adam: It was may 11, 1980, something, 71 00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,699 And my dad was pumped to spend the day 72 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:50,836 With his one true love... The phillies. 73 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,704 Hello, wonderful family, 74 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,841 Who I'm not gonna be seeing for the next 75 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,277 Six glorious hours! 76 00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,178 Wait. Where are you going? 77 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,479 To the phillies game with vic. 78 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,915 You never told me that. Did you mark it in the calendar? 79 00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:05,384 You have a calendar? Where's this calendar? It's on my desk. 80 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:08,620 Wait, you've got a desk? Where's this desk? 81 00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:09,188 You can't go. 82 00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:12,324 Erica and barry have graciously invited me 83 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:15,761 To see a scary/sexy teen-vampire movie. 84 00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:17,696 Who is gonna watch the baby? 85 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:18,997 Is that me? It is. 86 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,733 I told you. I'm not the baby! 87 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:22,501 I'm a grown, adult man! 88 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,703 And could you please start this orange? 89 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,337 Come on, bevy! 90 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:27,406 Can't the boy stay home alone for the day? 91 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,142 I mean, he is 11 or 14 or whatever. 92 00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:32,211 No! The last time I went out power walking, 93 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:36,114 I came home and found him hiding in the broom closet. 94 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:36,815 See, that's on you, 95 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,684 'cause you bought a house with a ghost. 96 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:41,987 Again with the ghost. There are no ghosts! Sure. 97 00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:44,489 People don't die with unfinished business. 98 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:45,724 Must be nice to live in your world. 99 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:48,360 Okay. We're going to the ballgame. Go get your glove. 100 00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:52,197 My michael jackson glove or my nintendo power glove? 101 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:53,365 Really? 102 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,601 And so, my dad took me to watch the phillies play 103 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:59,338 At old veterans stadium, a beautiful world-class arena... 104 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,138 When it was built. 105 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:03,742 Now it was falling apart at the seams, but we loved it anyway. 106 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,376 Dad, I got to pee. 107 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:07,312 Well, the bathroom's right up there. Go ahead. 108 00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,380 You want me to go by myself? 109 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:11,683 Yeah. Forget what your mother said. You're not a baby. 110 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,885 Now stop acting like a moron and go! 111 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,153 Adult adam: But I didn't have the guts, 112 00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:18,724 So my dad took me, like the little moron baby I was. 113 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,025 The men's room at veterans stadium 114 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:24,263 Was a nightmarish hellscape of people and pee everywhere. 115 00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:26,064 What's that? It's a trough. 116 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:29,268 Aim for a cigarette butt and make a game of it. 117 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:31,870 (stuttering) but where's the dividers? 118 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,305 Where's the handle to flush? 119 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,007 Where's the dignity, man? 120 00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:39,011 If you don't like it, use the stall. 121 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,147 (door creaking) 122 00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:44,650 Mother of mercy. 123 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:45,517 (softly) what happened in there? 124 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,687 (softly) it's on the walls. It's on the walls. 125 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:54,126 Please hurry it up. I feel weird being in here not doing anything. 126 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,133 Adult adam: In that moment, 127 00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:04,736 I had what all men experience at one point or another... 128 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:05,937 Stage fright. 129 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:06,538 I couldn't go. 130 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:10,108 My mind said yes, but my bladder said no. 131 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,843 I'm done. Let's get the hell out of here 132 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:14,313 So I can breathe through my nose again. 133 00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:15,747 While I was running away from my fears, 134 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:19,117 Barry and erica were sitting through a real horror show, 135 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,620 And I don't mean the movie. 136 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,888 So, which boy is lost? 137 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:25,324 His poor mother must be going insane. 138 00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:25,957 Both: Shh! 139 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,193 Oh! I snuck in some snacks. (packets rustling) 140 00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:31,496 Got microwave popcorn, some chips, 141 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,465 And a beautiful tomato. 142 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:34,399 I don't want a tomato. 143 00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:38,403 Well, it's the last day before it turns. Somebody's gonna eat it. 144 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:41,773 (beverly sighs) 145 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,809 This has been the best day. 146 00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:46,812 (chuckling) yeah. It's a real shame it's over. 147 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:47,612 Oh, it doesn't have to be. 148 00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:49,948 I'm gonna make us a dinner reservation at red lobster. 149 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:53,585 Now, it's not lobstober or shrimptember or clamuary, 150 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:56,521 So you're gonna have to order carefully. 151 00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,690 What the hell happened out there? 152 00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,391 Mom happened. 153 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,693 (moans) you know, she guilted us 154 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:02,794 Into hanging out with her again. 155 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,062 You know, it is seriously not normal 156 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,132 For teenagers to spend this much time with their mothers. 157 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,101 I rode the train, man! 158 00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:11,837 I rode the tiny train! 159 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:12,204 Look. 160 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,473 She took a picture and everything! Pops: Okay. 161 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:17,976 I can't watch you suffer like this anymore. 162 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,379 Follow me. I'm about to change your lives. 163 00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:24,182 How? I'm gonna teach you how to defeat your mother. 164 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,251 (tense music playing) it's natural for teenagers 165 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:28,553 To separate from their parents. 166 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,288 But your mother loves you so much, 167 00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,523 She'll never let that happen. 168 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:33,592 That's why it's my job to... 169 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,060 Why are you wearing that outfit? 170 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,496 You're gonna teach us how to fight mom, right? 171 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:41,633 No! I'm gonna teach you to combat her guilt. 172 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:44,102 Ohhh! That makes more sense. 173 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:44,870 Should I go change back? 174 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,104 Just focus on me. He'll get what he gets. 175 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:49,608 If you've noticed, when your mom tries to guilt me, 176 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,809 It doesn't work. 177 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:54,012 That's because of my simple mantra... 178 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,047 "it's not real. Don't feel." 179 00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,417 What's not real? The pain she's in. 180 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,953 Her guilt and tears are just a manipulation. 181 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:02,721 Don't fall for it. 182 00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,289 Pops, if your thing was so easy, 183 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,391 We would have done it a long time ago. 184 00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,059 Oh, you're right. 185 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,495 I'm just a silly old man. 186 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,930 I...I should just go home, 187 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,733 Ball up my socks, and go to bed. 188 00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:17,135 No, don't. I'm sorry. Don't do that! We love you! 189 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,870 It's not real! Don't feel! 190 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,639 Wait. That was just an act? 191 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:23,608 Yes! My god, you're weak and soft! 192 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,945 Say it with me. "it's not real. Don't feel." 193 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,680 Both: It's not real. Don't feel. 194 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:32,317 Louder! Both: It's not real! Don't feel! 195 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,186 Not that loud. She'll hear you, 196 00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:35,187 And then, we're all in trouble. 197 00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:38,356 Adult adam: As my brother and sister were learning to fight back, 198 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:42,761 I was battling the 64 ounces of mountain dew in my bladder! 199 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,696 Dad, I have to pee again. 200 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,131 What? You just went! 201 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,400 All right, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. 202 00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,167 My bladder shut down. 203 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,836 There's too much pressure at the trough. 204 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,304 Well, why don't you use the damn stall? 205 00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:54,339 Don't speak of the stall... Ever! 206 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,875 Well, it's too late. The bases are loaded. 207 00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:59,110 I'm not taking you again. So just go! 208 00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,712 Isn't there some private executive washroom 209 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:04,616 With scented soaps instead of a giant metal river of whiz? 210 00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:07,185 When will the hand-holding end, already? 211 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,621 For once in your life, be a man. 212 00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:10,522 You don't think I'm a man? 213 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:14,059 All right, let me answer that question with this question. 214 00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:17,095 What superhero is on your underwear right now? 215 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,165 I outgrew those months ago! Uh-huh. 216 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,433 I'll show you! I'll go! 217 00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,668 Go! Fine! I'm going! 218 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,804 Good! You're doing what I want you to do! 219 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,138 Adult adam: Sure, I was mad at my dad, 220 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,941 But mostly, I was mad at myself, 'cause he was right. 221 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,677 So I set out to prove my manhood once and for all, 222 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:36,648 And the first step was going potty by myself! 223 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:37,115 Nope. 224 00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,518 Excuse me. Which way to the upper level? 225 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,753 I'm thinking the higher you go, the fancier it gets. 226 00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,522 So I headed up to what I figured 227 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:47,025 Was the super-fancy 700 level. 228 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,827 Not fancy. Not fancy. 229 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,896 I finally gave up and headed back to my seats. 230 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:55,400 Just one problem... I had no idea where my seats were. 231 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,744 Oh, balls! 232 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:08,980 Early bird dinner was over, 233 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:13,118 And erica and barry had been with my mom for six straight hours. 234 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,120 She was going for seven. 235 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,721 Wow. I am stuffed. 236 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,256 (chuckles) what do you say we go home 237 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,824 And burn off some of these calories 238 00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:21,459 With a little bedazzling? 239 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,594 Ugh! Make it stop! 240 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,062 It's too much time with you! 241 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,230 I'm sorry, but I'm done. 242 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,533 If spending time with your mother is some kind of torture, 243 00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:29,968 Then I'll just walk home. 244 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:30,535 Stop the car. 245 00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,837 Adult adam: And there it was, her signature guilt move... 246 00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:37,108 Storming out of the car and making us beg her to come back. 247 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:37,943 Here I go. 248 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:40,478 I'll probably get flattened by a truck, 249 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,212 Not that you'd care. 250 00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:44,749 Aw, man! She's out of the car! Now what do we do? 251 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:45,350 Nothing. 252 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:49,254 Remember what pops said? "it's not real. Don't feel." 253 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:49,721 I'm walking! 254 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,289 We should just drive off and let her walk home. 255 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:55,026 You heard her. She could be flattened by a truck! 256 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:55,794 She's not a squirrel! 257 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,563 We're 10 minutes from home. She'll be fine. 258 00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,332 I'm walking. 259 00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,901 All right, we need to take a stand and drive away. 260 00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,869 Are you with me? I don't know! 261 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:05,570 Still walking! 262 00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:08,506 I need you to look me in the eye and say you are with me. 263 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,274 I'm with you! 264 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:12,944 God save my soul, I'm with you! 265 00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:15,780 (engine revs) 266 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,016 I knew you'd come to your senses. 267 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:20,652 We're doing it! This is really happening! 268 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,888 I've never felt so alive in my life! 269 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,691 Adult adam: As my brother and sister were flying high, 270 00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:29,661 My dad was crashing down to reality. 271 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,962 Damn it. Where is he? 272 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,397 See, back before cellphones, 273 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,666 Getting lost was a much bigger deal. 274 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,401 I'm fine. It's fine. 275 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,136 It's all gonna be fine. 276 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:42,674 So I'm hungry and alone and may never be rescued. 277 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:43,441 It's good times. 278 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,076 The only way to actually find someone 279 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,379 Was to shout their name really loud. 280 00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:47,746 Adam? 281 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,382 When that didn't work, my dad decided to awkwardly approach anyone 282 00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:53,084 Who even looked a little like me. 283 00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:55,120 Tiny lady. Sorry. 284 00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,656 Meanwhile, the more I ran around, the more lost I got. 285 00:10:57,658 --> 00:11:01,660 Luckily, my dad came up with the perfect plan to track me down. 286 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,828 Whoa, whoa. Slow it down there, boss. 287 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:04,663 That's a restricted area. 288 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,031 Yeah, yeah. I got separated from my son, 289 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:09,267 And I need to make an announcement to the entire stadium. 290 00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,168 Okay, that makes sense. 291 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,803 This kid of yours... What's he look like? 292 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:14,873 I don't know. He's a boy. He's normal-looking. 293 00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,374 He's got hair, a face. 294 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,542 I...I don't look at him much. 295 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:20,612 Uh-huh. And, uh, how old is this boy? 296 00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:21,713 Eleven. 297 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,114 Or... 14. 298 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,382 Can I just go make my announcement? 299 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:27,852 Oh, yeah, sure. And after, you wanna visit the dugout 300 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,387 Or shower in the locker room? 301 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:30,622 Very funny. Hey, 302 00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:31,890 How are your fielding skills? 303 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:32,724 You wanna play shortstop? 304 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:35,226 Just know I will make it through that door. 305 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:38,263 Better yet, why don't I have two of my friends 306 00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:40,665 Escort you to the vip section? 307 00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,735 (sighs) 308 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:45,470 (lock rattles) 309 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,739 My kid's in there! 310 00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:50,742 Adult adam: While my dad had hit an all-time low, 311 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,611 Barry and erica were riding high. 312 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:54,612 Dude, we did it! 313 00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,715 For once, we didn't give in to her guilt! 314 00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:59,718 I know! We totally drove away! 315 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,221 I feel so exhilarated, like I just killed a man! 316 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,523 Exactly! Wait. What? Barry: Pops, 317 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:06,991 We did just like you said with mom. 318 00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:10,261 Way to go, kiddos. I want to hear all about it. 319 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:13,531 You know that thing mom does when she storms out of the car 320 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,200 And then you have to beg her to get back in? 321 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,434 Oh, yeah... The big guns. Barry: Well, 322 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:20,405 We left her on the side of the road like an old mattress! 323 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,940 Boom! 324 00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,007 What? Are you nuts? 325 00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:27,045 You don't leave your mother on the side of the road! Who does that? 326 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,847 That's exactly what you said to do. 327 00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,482 That's not what I said at all! 328 00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:31,883 Why are you making us feel guilty? 329 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:32,951 I thought you were on our side! 330 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,552 My god! What have you done? 331 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:38,123 (doorbell rings) everybody just chill, okay? 332 00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:40,558 That's her. She's fine. 333 00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:41,726 Evening. 334 00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,528 It was the old man! He put us up to it! 335 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,730 They misunderstood my rhyme! 336 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,333 It doesn't matter. Is our mom okay? 337 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,601 She's fine. I gave her a lift. 338 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:52,237 Lucky for her, I was driving down old york road 339 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,138 And was temporarily blinded 340 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,640 By the sunlight reflecting off of her bejeweled jacket. 341 00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:59,477 Where is she? In the back of my cruiser with a little pack of tissues. 342 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,346 She's pretty certain she failed as a mother. 343 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,315 I know this looks bad, but you have to understand 344 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,084 She uses guilt to get her way. 345 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,752 So... She's like every mom. 346 00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:13,091 Except in this case, you abandoned her on the side of the road. 347 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,726 Shame on you. 348 00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:16,761 Officer: Shame. 349 00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:22,100 Thank you for seeing me home safely, officer. 350 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,568 It was very kind. 351 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,604 You must be a wonderful son. 352 00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:28,573 Mom... 353 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,574 Bup-bup-bup. 354 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:32,343 I have one thing to say to you. 355 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,946 That was (bleep) up. 356 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:39,184 Adult adam: Only one person felt worse than barry and erica... My dad. 357 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,318 He was so desperate to find me 358 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,787 That he sought help in the most unlikely of places... 359 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:46,057 A parking lot full of philly tailgaters. 360 00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:46,457 Hey. 361 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,759 You guys got an extra ticket you could sell me? 362 00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:50,862 I...I got tossed out of the stadium. I need to get back in. 363 00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:51,796 Why'd you get ejected, chief? 364 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:56,434 Um, I got into it with a security guard because I lost my son. 365 00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:57,836 In veterans stadium? 366 00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:01,339 Damn, that is just some bad parenting right there. 367 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,209 I never let my little fella out of my sight. 368 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,877 (sizzling) 369 00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:06,611 Tell you what. 370 00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,913 Let me cb the other camps around the stadium, 371 00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:10,281 See if anybody's seen your kid. 372 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,151 Wow. You'd do that? Well, thank you. 373 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:16,287 It's what phillies fans do. So, how old is he? What does he look like? 374 00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:19,257 Why's everybody need to know that? 375 00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,960 Hey. I...I'm kind of lost. 376 00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,428 Could you please help me find my dad? 377 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,396 Of course, we can help you find your dad. 378 00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:29,634 Why don't you step over there with the other lost kids? 379 00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:33,438 Adult adam: As I looked at that line of lost little tykes, 380 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,405 I knew I couldn't join them. 381 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:38,343 I finally had to man up and become the 11- or 14-year-old 382 00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,078 My dad wanted me to be. 383 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,112 No! Not today! 384 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:44,983 I'm lost, I'm starving, and I still haven't peed, 385 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,352 But I will survive! 386 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:52,323 As I was finally confronting the most disgusting bathroom in the world, 387 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,259 Erica and barry were about to face 388 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:57,328 The most emotionally manipulative mother 389 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:58,696 In the universe. 390 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,231 Hey, mama. 391 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,835 I don't think she heard you. Do it again. 392 00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:04,235 Hey. 393 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,871 Oh, stop it. I heard you. I'm just not answering. 394 00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:08,306 We feel horrible. 395 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,574 And we made a little peace offering 396 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,109 To show you how sorry we are. 397 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,912 It's a picture of you. See? 398 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:14,913 You're smiling, like you used to 399 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:18,016 Before we ditched you on the side of the road like human trash. 400 00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:22,086 Your shading and tones don't quite capture my loving essence, 401 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,955 But I appreciate the effort. 402 00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:24,822 Maybe you could teach us. 403 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,892 How does that sound? We bedazzle for the rest of the day. 404 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,460 Well, that's a good first step, 405 00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:30,728 But it's gonna take a lot more 406 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,530 Than rhinestones and glitter 407 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,032 To make up for what you did. 408 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,234 Name it. Anything. 409 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,835 I want huggies. Fine. 410 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:38,603 And snuggies. On it. 411 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,338 And kissies. Absolutely. 412 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,873 And nubbies. 413 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:42,941 Lots and lots of nubbies. 414 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:46,644 I don't know what that is, and I'm scared to find out, but sure. 415 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,680 We're gonna go set up the bedazzler. 416 00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:50,415 We'll meet you upstairs. 417 00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:54,152 Adult adam: And just like that, my mother realized 418 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,386 That getting abandoned on the side of the road 419 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,989 Was the best thing that could have happened to her. 420 00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,792 Erica: Mom, are you coming? 421 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,328 I'll be there in a minute. 422 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,830 Adult adam: It was the bottom of the ninth. 423 00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,999 I was still lost, but at least I wasn't alone. 424 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:12,870 I guess I just really want to show my dad what I'm made of, you know? 425 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:16,007 In here. Does that make sense? 426 00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:17,608 (noisemaker blows) 427 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,410 Okay, you've done that three times. 428 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:20,211 I don't know what that means. 429 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,814 Adult adam: As I was getting annoyed with my new green friend, 430 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,282 Barry and erica were bedazzling 431 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,918 With all the colors of the rainbow. 432 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:27,652 What's all this? 433 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:31,622 Oh, just a bunch of bedazzmanian devils going crazy! 434 00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,157 (imitates tasmanian devil) 435 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,126 (chuckles) it's been a fun hour. 436 00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:36,461 You know what? We're out of silver studs. 437 00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,763 I'm gonna go get some from my craft drawer. 438 00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:39,764 Yes! We need more. 439 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:43,434 This is so fun! (chuckles) help us. 440 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,870 I'm sorry. You hurt her for real. 441 00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,105 You got to pay the price. 442 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,807 But we bedazzled everything. 443 00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:50,341 Look. 444 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,076 I even bedazzled my flyers jersey, 445 00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:54,812 And in some weird way, I think it looks amazing. 446 00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:58,182 And what are nubbies? What are nubbies? 447 00:16:58,184 --> 00:16:59,851 She said "nubbies"? 448 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,886 Oh, you're way too old for that. 449 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:03,721 I'll talk to her. 450 00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:05,056 Bevy, listen, 451 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,593 The kids don't deserve all the blame for what they did. 452 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:12,797 I may have taught them how to stand up to your guilt. 453 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,532 That was you? 454 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,534 Thank you so much. 455 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,770 Thank you for this wonderful gift. 456 00:17:18,772 --> 00:17:22,140 (stuttering) wait. What's happening? You're not angry? 457 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,976 This is literally my dream come true. 458 00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,577 Now they're under my thumb forever. 459 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:29,447 I get to decide how they live, who they marry, 460 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,115 Where they take me on vacation, 461 00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:34,485 And all because they left me on the side of the road. 462 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,255 Honey, you can't hold them hostage with guilt 463 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,189 For the rest of their lives. 464 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,391 They're just gonna end up resenting you. 465 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,494 But...What else am I supposed to do? 466 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,129 I'm their mom. If it were up to them, 467 00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:46,264 They'd never spend time with me. 468 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:50,401 Have you ever wondered why they love hanging out with me so much? 469 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,470 'cause I don't force them to. 470 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:56,541 Also, I'm pretty frickin' delightful. 471 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,609 You are pretty delightful. 472 00:17:58,611 --> 00:17:59,444 And so are you. 473 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:03,681 (john hiatt's have a little faith in me playing) 474 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:07,151 (sighs) put the stud guns down. You're free to go. 475 00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,320 No, really. We're having fun. 476 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,221 You're not. 477 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:12,723 You've done this long enough, and we're even. 478 00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:15,393 But we're just trying to apologize for what we did. 479 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:18,830 No, I'm the one who needs to apologize. 480 00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:25,470 I guilt you kids way too much. 481 00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:27,572 It's just, uh... 482 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:32,543 When you were little, all you wanted to do was spend time with me. 483 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:37,181 And, you know, a mom gets used to that. 484 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:39,083 You two will never understand 485 00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:43,121 How much it hurts when that goes away. 486 00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:46,824 I think that's just the way things are right now. 487 00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:47,592 You know, 488 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,661 We really meant what we bedazzled. 489 00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,263 We do love you. 490 00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:53,264 I know. 491 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,299 Just no nubbies. 492 00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:56,300 Deal. 493 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,402 Adult adam: While my mom had found common ground with barry and erica, 494 00:18:58,404 --> 00:19:02,206 I still hadn't found my dad, but we weren't out of options. 495 00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:03,741 Back then, whenever you got lost, 496 00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:09,013 The last resort was always the same... Meet at the car. 497 00:19:09,848 --> 00:19:12,250 Of course, I had no idea where we were parked, 498 00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:16,454 So I had to wait until every single car was gone. 499 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:20,525 ¶ and have a little faith in me 500 00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:27,098 ¶ and have a little faith in me 501 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:33,004 ¶ and have a little faith in me 502 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,372 Adult adam: I was ready to give my dad hell. 503 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,909 I wanted to tell him how I survived on my own and proved him wrong. 504 00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:39,310 I wanted to tell him I was a man. 505 00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:43,548 I wanted to tell him that I didn't need him anymore. 506 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,350 But instead, I did this. 507 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,818 (sobbing) 508 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,321 (sniffles) I know. 509 00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:54,158 You're safe. You're safe. 510 00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:57,395 ¶ just turn around and you... 511 00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,430 Adult adam: I spent most of that day lost, 512 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,232 But what I remember most is what I found. 513 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,534 I found out that I could do okay on my own, 514 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:07,171 And my dad discovered he didn't want me to grow up too fast. 515 00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:10,007 ¶ just have a little faith in me ¶ 516 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,075 Hey, ma. 517 00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:11,809 Hi. 518 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,477 Back from another normal day. 519 00:20:13,479 --> 00:20:16,314 Well, come into the nook. (chuckles) 520 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,083 It's battle of the network stars, 521 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,219 Fonzie sure can throw a javelin. 522 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,120 Adult adam: That's the thing about parents... 523 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:24,222 They always drive you crazy. 524 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,158 Oh. Got a beautiful tomato if you're hungry. 525 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,693 Mom, enough with the tomato. 526 00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,127 Someone's gonna eat this thing today. 527 00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:32,163 But in a world where we all get lost sometimes... 528 00:20:32,165 --> 00:20:34,298 Stop! Stop, mom! Kissy shark! Kissy shark! 529 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,534 Stop! Stop it! Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah! 530 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,535 ...There's nothing better 531 00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,171 Than having people who love you so much, 532 00:20:40,173 --> 00:20:42,273 They never want to let you go. 533 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:45,276 Erica: No! No, no, no! Mom, mom! 534 00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:50,314 Three...Two...Fire! 535 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,752 (ding) 536 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:01,659 Hey! 537 00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,794 Hey. Whoa! What is that? 538 00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:05,663 (laughing) oh, you mean the shirt? 539 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,032 I'm going to the phillies game later with dad, 540 00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:11,135 So I bedazzled this as a joke just to drive him crazy. 541 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,471 I mean, I would never wear this to the game. 542 00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,406 Unless you think I could maybe wear it to the game. 543 00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:18,476 You know, you shouldn't just wear it to the game. 544 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:19,844 I would wear it to school. 545 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,313 That's what I thought! Thank you! 546 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:26,517 I mean, this is a joke, but... But thank you!