Adult adam: Back in the '80s,
This is what we did after school...
We'd prepare a feast of our favorite sugary snacks
In preparation for an endless tv marathon.
In those days, our parents didn't pack our schedules to keep us occupied.
That honor went to whatever the three networks chose
To randomly broadcast,
And it was glorious.
Hey! I was watching that! I know.
Then why'd you change it? 'cause I don't care.
I thought that was clear by now.
Dude.
It's like you have no respect for me at all.
It is like that, yes.
I demand your respect! Give it to me right now!
Respect isn't given. It's earned.
You never get off your lazy butt.
When I was your age, I went to school and I had two jobs.
Oh, yeah?
I'll go out right now and get an awesome job,
And then you'll have to respect me.
And I'll learn responsibility and earn my own money
And never depend on you for anything.
You're threatening me with things I want you to do!
This is on you.
No, no, no. Stop.
Come back here and be a weight on my spirit.
Adult adam: Unlike barry,
My sister worked her way up to assistant manager at gimbels.
Erica, you really have a flair for style.
Your bandana work is flawless.
Thank you. (chuckles)
Aah! What the... Stop it!
Hey! It's me! Barry!
I told you to never come where I am.
Awesome news...
You're getting me a job so dad can respect me.
(chuckling) oh, good luck with that.
I've been working my whole life,
And he still calls me "the girl one."
Erica, if your brother is half as good as you, he's hired.
Chuck, I think if you'll give my brother a quick interview,
You'll have all the info you need.
So, tell me... What's your greatest strength?
Easy... Bo staff.
No! Wait.
Busting fresh rhymes. No! Wait.
Handsome. No! Wait.
I was literally born without fear.
I'll let you know.
Boom! He'll let me know.
Adult adam: He didn't, but barry refused to quit looking.
My biggest weakness?
I'm honest, and I'm lazy.
What's your biggest weakness?
Who do I think would win a fight between a tiger and a bear?
(chuckles) that's a good question.
One you didn't ask, but I'll discuss.
Minimum wage?
No, no, no.
What's maximum wage?
(chair squeaks)
¶ I'm twisted up inside
¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say
¶ I don't know the future
¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
Adult adam: It was April 15, 1980 something,
And my mom's day was about to be rocked to its very core.
Boopie, what's this?
Spanish test.
Beverly: "f"? As in "fail"?
No, no. That's literally humanly impossible.
My children don't fail.
I'm as stunned as you are.
Maybe it means "f" as in "fabulous" or "first prize."
I knew you would say that, so I asked.
It's "fail."
My teacher said maybe I'm better off moving down a level.
As in remedial?
Oh-ho, no! Are you mad?
Yes, I'm mad... At your teacher!
Senora taraborelli?
You think this is her fault?
Well, it's certainly not your fault.
You're just a little boy.
That's true. I am a little boy.
A genius little boy.
Please... Be nice.
She's a lovely but fragile woman.
Well, I'm lovely and pissed.
Okay. I got to stop you before this gets nuts.
Clearly, this is the one subject the kid struggles in.
You can't blame the teacher. It's the boy.
It takes a very special educator
To teach such a strange, exotic language,
With all the squiggles over the letters
And the crazy upside-down question marks
And the "rrrrrrrrrrr"s.
Adult adam: That right there is what you call
Beverly goldberg mom logic.
What do you mean he failed drivers ed?
Yep, my mom could explain away our failures
By perfectly placing the blame on anyone but us.
You've got your own pedal in there.
I think you slammed on the brakes yourself
And sabotaged my son. Change the grade.
Change the grade.
Change the... Oh, that's nice.
Adult adam: My mom would now apply mom logic
To why I sucked at spanish.
Look, adam is so smart, and he tries so hard,
But, you know, he just can't keep up with the other kids.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh, I see the situation slightly differently.
How's that?
I see it as entirely your fault.
Oh... Mrs. Goldberg,
I have been teaching spanish for well over a decade.
And have you adequately kept up with changes to the language?
I'm... I'm pretty sure it's set in stone.
Mmm-hmm. Have you ever even traveled
To any of these spanish places?
No, not on a teacher's salary, but look, I'm saving money,
And I intend to find myself in san juan, drinking cervezas
With a very fiery caribbean lover
Who will take me in his taut, muscular arms,
And together, we will dance the forbidden dance.
The lambada.
Wow.
That is... Very graphic.
Yeah. I'm sorry. Look, I just...
You know, if adam is struggling, I suggest you find a tutor.
Excellent. When can you start?
Me? (chuckling) no, no.
That would be a conflict of interest.
Oh, it's really not.
I mean, the school pays you to teach.
Why can't I pay you more to teach him more?
In this case, 50 bucks an hour
To help fund your sensual adventure?
Well, that is very generous,
But I would not feel right about...
Did you say $50?
Adult adam: Yep, mom logic even managed to win over
My earnest, buttoned-up teacher.
The lure of the forbidden dance is calling you.
Adult adam: Well, that and the promise of a sensual, silk-shirted senor.
Meanwhile, my brother had somehow landed
His very first job.
...And the in-depth pizza-box-folding tutorial.
So, any questions?
Nope. I'm good.
Are you?
This entire operation rests on you delivering our food
Hot and on time.
Don't you worry.
Every street in this city
Can tell you a story about barry goldberg.
Some are pretty hard to talk about.
Lot of bad memories.
I, uh, I struggle with stuff.
Point is, I know the streets good.
Hope so.
'cause this may be the pizza depot,
But we're closing in fast on the big boys over at domino's.
See, they've tipped their hand and revealed the secret
To the pizza-delivery gold standard,
And that's the avoidance of this man.
The noid.
Oh, yeah. The funny guy from the commercials.
Funny?
This floppy-eared goblin is a physical manifestation
Of the challenges inherent
In getting a hot pizza delivered on time.
The noid is evil, and he never sleeps.
He makes pizza cold. I'm familiar with the noid.
Are you?
'cause he's the wolf at the gates who will stop at nothing
Until he destroys us and everything we hold dear.
Are you afraid now? Huh?
No.
He's a cartoon.
You're cocky, rookie.
I like that.
Oh! Look at you!
How was the first day on the job? Not bad at all.
Made a ton of dough.
Pizza dough.
It's a joke we say around the shop,
Because "dough" is another word for "money"
But we also cook with it.
I got to admit, I didn't think you'd go through with it.
But hard work like this deserves something special.
What's this?
Bottle of suds.
It's about time you had a beer with your old man.
What the hell is this?
Uh, just a little father-son thing.
Dad's giving me a beer 'cause I'm a working man.
What? I work, and I like beer.
I've said too much. I should go.
Just to be clear, this is a one-time thing.
I can't believe this is happening.
Oh, believe it.
This frosty cold one is a rite of passage,
A symbol of my respect.
Son, you are no longer a moron.
You are a man.
This is too much. I'm freaking out.
Don't freak out.
I'm freaking out! Don't freak out.
(grunts) (glass shatters)
The hell was that?
I panicked! I didn't know what to do!
You drink it! You don't slap it across the room!
I know that now!
Let's just put a pin in this.
Adult adam: While barry was struggling with his newfound respect,
I was hoping my new tutor
Would end my struggles with el espanol.
Gracias, dave kim.
Ah, paco. How'd we do?
Um... No buena.
No? Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
(sighing) oh, boy.
Whew. Okay.
Uh...
Why don't you go ahead and just, uh,
Eh, take another look at 3.
And 6.
And 11.
Really?
Wow. Great.
(chuckles)
Um...
Me puedes...
...Pasar
Los zapatos?
Oh, yeah. You taught me that.
See? I knew you knew it.
Well, thanks. Ah, yeah.
Adios.
Oh. Oh, very good.
Beverly: Squishy!
I knew you could do it!
Congrats, kid.
Let's hear a little bit of the old espanol.
Well, I'm not quite ready to talk and stuff.
Me and my tutor/teacher work mostly in english.
Really?
Yeah, she's got this amazing technique
Where even if I don't know I know the answer,
She reminds me I do know it by telling it to me.
Yay!
My baby's learning.
Little senor.
You see what's going on, right?
You mean the way his little face
Gets more delicious the more you look at it?
I mean this teacher clearly gave him the answers 'cause you paid her.
Oh, poop. She did not.
That would be cheating.
Yes, it is cheating.
No, it is tutoring, during the test.
It's a totally different thing.
For once, stop with the mom logic.
That's not a thing.
Oh, it is. It's how you sleep at night
Even though you know he's learned nothing.
But he thinks he's learning, and thinking is learning.
Again, mom logic.
If cheating's the only way adam can do well,
Just do him a favor and drop him down to remedial.
(bleep) ...That.
Adam can learn six languages,
Because he is perfect and anything but remedial!
Mom logic.
Adult adam: After a half day of rigorous training at the pizza depot,
Barry was confident he'd crush his first day of deliveries.
(tires squeal)
He did not.
Glen oaks?
I need oak glen!
Where am I?
Sadly, barry was in oak ridge.
He was lost, and this meant sheer panic.
See, back then, our cars didn't have navigation systems
Or cellphones with google maps.
Barry's only choice was to wrangle an actual map and stress-eat.
Oh, no!
I'm not paying for this, bro. Why?
Well, first of all, you're an hour and a half late.
And, secondly...
You clearly ate a piece.
Dude, you don't understand.
If you don't pay me, it comes out of my check.
Oh. I didn't realize that.
Yeah.
Uh...
You're fired. What? Why?
'cause you're the noid.
I am not the noid!
You have successfully delivered four pizzas.
You know it. Out of 37.
Please don't fire me. Just take the mistakes out of my check.
Oh, I did, until there was no check left.
You now owe us $314.
This is a job.
You pay me. I don't pay you.
Yeah. That's how it usually works.
Yet here we are.
Aah!
A noid knocking a noid down.
How ironic.
Adult adam: As my brother was losing his job,
I was getting a "b" in spanish, and it felt awesome.
Well, to me.
Hola, friendos!
Who's ready por esloppy joses for lunch-o, eh?
(chuckles)
What's with the silent treatment? Are you guys mad at me?
Adam, everyone knows what's going on
With you and senora taraborelli.
You mean my tutoring?
Seems like a little more than that.
Dana. Babe, it's me.
I would never step out on you like that.
No one thinks you're dating the spanish teacher, dude.
We study for hours just to pass,
While you get to cut all the corners.
Corners? No!
I'm getting tutored, and I'm excelling.
Trust me, it's all on the up-and-up.
In fact, I bet she'd tutor all of us.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
There has been a huge misunderstanding.
If it's the money, I bet you my parents will pay double.
Oh. No. No.
My family owns a restaurant.
Help me out, and you could be ass-deep in crab rangoon.
Wha...
Oops. Left my wallet there on the desk.
I'm gonna turn around and count to three.
If it turns up empty, so be it.
Dave kim knows nothing in life is free.
You can't quit!
Things have gotten completely out of hand.
Dave sirota put a $10 bill in my waistband
And told me to "think about it."
Well, what about san juan?
The lambada!
Who am I kidding?
It's a forbidden dance! I'm not allowed!
Anyone can dance that dance.
Look, Monday, we're doing our oral presentations.
And if adam doesn't pass,
He's being moved down to remedial spanish.
But we had a deal.
Well, that deal is off.
I'll just spend another summer in ohio,
Sleeping on the couch, because mother's cat has priority of the bed.
Adult adam: While my disgruntled teacher was shutting down my mom,
Barry was keeping up the illusion of still having a job.
There he is! Working man!
How was your day? Good.
And I am definitely not the noid.
Well, I want to show you something.
(smacks lips) the whole beer thing didn't work out,
Because you're a moron.
But this, this here... This is our moment. Come here.
And just like that, my father gave barry the ultimate sign of respect...
The la-z-boy.
I get my own chair?
Yeah.
And that's not all.
And the remote?
Last time I touched this thing,
You threw a photo cube at my head.
Well, times have changed.
You used to be this boy...
And now you're this man.
And that means you get to choose what we watch.
(gasps)
(sighs)
(siren wails)
(up-tempo music playing)
And you chose a grown man in tights.
What the hell is this?
First beer, and now a chair?
And the remote.
Last time I touched that thing,
You threw a photo cube at my head.
Well, it's different for me 'cause I'm a working man.
Hello? I've been working my whole life!
This is a total double standard.
No, it's not.
Dad's just giving me special treatment
'cause I'm a boy and you're not, so you lose.
That's the definition of a double standard, you idiot!
Seriously?
Erica: And why do you keep watching that? It's so weird!
I wish I could move my hips like that.
Adult adam: Erica refused to sit back
And let barry rub his newfound respect in her face,
So she went to his job to let him have it.
I told you, you can't sit here all day!
Just give me one more chance.
No, no, no. You don't work here anymore!
Now beat it, noid!
(horn honking)
Adult adam: Fortunately for her, there was no job.
Don't you worry, schmoo.
Your teacher may have failed you, but not your mama.
I will see to it that you ace that oral presentation.
You're even worse at spanish than I am.
It's hopeless. I should just go down to remedial.
A presentation has nothing to do with knowledge.
It's all about flash.
I'm pretty sure it's all about spanish words.
Oh, no. It's about showmanship.
You're a natural performer, and with my help,
You will dazzle them with your talent, grace, and dignity.
Adult adam: That's right... Beverly goldberg's mom logic
Convinced me that I could pass a spanish test
Without the use of actual spanish.
Me gusto mucho "pet cementerio."
(chuckles) muy bueno, dave kim.
(chuckling) okay.
(applause)
Y finalmente... Senor goldberg.
Adult adam: This was it... Go time.
With the help of my trusty assistant,
An exotic musical score from faraway lands,
And one he-man pinata, I would ace my spanish class.
(la bamba plays)
Maracas!
Guacamole!
Ole!
Adult adam: By today's standards, the content was questionable.
Salsa! Salsa!
Salsa?
Adult adam: And sure, I borrowed heavily
From the stereotypes I saw in the movies.
The three amigos.
Adult adam: Man, did I kill it.
Wow. Well, what a wonderful summary
Of a very beautiful and vibrant culture.
(chuckling) okay.
But you didn't answer the question.
(speaking in spanish)
Adult adam: For once, beverly goldberg had no mom logic
To cover up the fact that I was a literal failure.
Erica knew barry's secret
And how it would crush him if my dad found out,
Which is exactly why she made sure that was gonna happen.
(doorbell rings)
That's me. I ordered pizza.
(gasps) yes!
Pizza! Pizza!
Oh, crap. Pizza.
That'll be $314. What?
Erica? How many toppings did you order?
None. You owe him money because you lost 33 pizzas.
Who gets a job and ends up owing them money?
Me!
I'm sorry. I finally had your respect, and I got fired in two days.
Eh, don't beat yourself up.
Wait... What, now?
Eh, he's going through a rough patch.
Did I ever tell you about the time
That I got fired from the deli for refusing to wear a hairnet?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you actually bonding with him over getting fired?
What is wrong with you?
I've babysat, I've tutored, I've sold hot dogs on sticks
And oranged thousands of juliuses.
And in all that time, you never showed me a shred of respect.
Erica, wait!
Adult adam: As my dad realized there really was a double standard,
My mom finally accepted it was time to lower hers.
How's my little pinto bean? Don't.
You used my love of performance against me,
And I completely embarrassed myself.
I know. And I'm sorry.
It's just that...
I always see you as my perfect little angel.
And when the world doesn't agree with me, I go a little nuts.
A little?
Okay, a lot.
Look, I realize no one's perfect.
God knows I'm not.
But when it comes to you...
I can never see you any other way.
Well, I guess that's not the worst thing in the world.
Hey, mama?
(speaking in spanish)
I don't know what that means, but it's beautiful.
Adult adam: Sure, my family didn't always speak the same language.
Luckily, I learned just enough spanish
To tell my mom how I really felt
Without her ever really knowing.
Go away.
Not until we talk.
What's there to talk about?
You've made everything pretty clear.
Look, even though barry's a moron,
He's a lot like me.
I get him.
And the reality is, I was never a teenage girl.
Well, that's a relief to hear.
What I mean is,
I just wanted to have the big rite of passage with my son,
When I should have been having it with my daughter.
(clears throat)
Here's to you. You're a man now.
(chuckles)
Thanks, dad.
What the... What is this?
You are in big trouble, missy!
But dad just... I caught her with these.
Oh, my... You are so grounded!
You're lucky your dad got here before me!
So lucky!
(mouthing)
Adult adam: That's the thing about growing up.
Sometimes you take the fall
Or you struggle to make the grade.
Looks like the remedial class is more my speed.
(gasps) you are so going to harvard.
I'm not, but sure. (chuckles)
I made dinner.
Barry: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Adult adam: And sure, you may be far from perfect,
But with your family close by, life comes pretty darn close.
You know, I wish you'd fight over my salads like that.
Me niego de contestar esta pregunta.
(bell ding)
Esta clase es tan aburrida.
Muy bien, clase!
Adios!
Kid: Adios!
How many years of experience do I have as a cpa?
(scoffs) let me answer that with a follow-up question.
What is a cpa?
This kid's head is weird.
(sighs)
Are you related?
(rapping) ¶ I've got fresh rhymes and I gotta pay my bills
¶ you've got a lot of grime and I got some cleaning skills ¶
Then I put the second piece of tape this way,
And I'm a pig! (chuckles)
(beat-boxing)
Hire me.