1
00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:02,768
Adult adam: Anyone who has
a big brother will tell you
2
00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:05,504
That quality time
together looks like this.
(groaning)
3
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:08,807
But my brother, barry,
took it to another level.
4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,677
Atomic elbow drop!
(adam grunts)
5
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,478
Come here!
6
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:14,947
Most big brothers were content
with wedgies and noogies,
7
00:00:14,949 --> 00:00:16,148
No!
But not mine.
8
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:17,583
There was the butt hat...
9
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,785
Oh! Look, your new hat
fits perfectly.
10
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:23,355
The waffle belly...
Smells like
home cooking.
11
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,990
Adam: Why are you like this?
12
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,158
We're gonna get
some waffles.
13
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,728
And the one I wouldn't wish
on my worst enemy...
14
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:30,929
The jock-xygen mask.
15
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,665
Yeah.
Breathe it in.
16
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,400
(muffled scream)
17
00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:37,336
And like any tormenter,
barry fell in love with a show
18
00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:40,739
That made beating people up
an art form.
19
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:41,907
(all cheering)
20
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,175
That hurt.
That hurt.
21
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,576
What are you watching?
22
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,511
American gladiators.
23
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,780
It mixes showbiz,
patriotism,
24
00:00:47,782 --> 00:00:50,082
And spandex for a trifecta
of viewing pleasure.
25
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,718
They pit grossly
muscular warriors
with cartoonish names
26
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,422
Against accountants
and dental hygienists
in feats of strength.
27
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,624
Wow! So many new
and creative ways
28
00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,792
For people
to hurt each other.
29
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:00,793
Adult adam:
And barry wasted no time
30
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:03,595
Using those new and creative
ways to hurt someone...
31
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,764
Me.
Why?
32
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,332
You've been gladiated.
33
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:09,635
That's not even a word!
34
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:10,436
Whoo!
35
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,172
Adult adam:
Yep, barry didn't just watch
gladiators, he lived it.
36
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:16,075
When he'd hang out
with the jenkintown posse,
37
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:17,976
It's all they talked about.
38
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:18,911
Whoo!
(cheering)
39
00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:22,114
Goldberg!
Reigning champion
of powerball.
40
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,315
You destroyed
that food!
41
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:24,917
Yeah!
And scratched
my retina.
42
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:28,287
I'm unstoppable.
I own this parking lot.
43
00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,856
Sure do, bro.
44
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:32,224
Oh, crap.
45
00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:34,493
Adult adam:
It was the meadowbrook mafia,
46
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:37,629
A rival wannabe posse
from the next town over.
47
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,264
The meadowbrook
mafia.
48
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,399
Those guys
are crazy.
49
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,533
Yo,
I know their leader.
50
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:45,537
He got kicked out
of my tennis camp
for disruptive behavior.
51
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:48,774
Look who it is.
The jenkinturd posse.
52
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,110
Shut up, bradley.
You know it's jenkintown.
53
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,845
Hey, why don't you
take your ice cream
54
00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:55,247
And go back to that stupid
friendly's parking lot
55
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,049
You always
hang out at?
Bradley: Can't.
56
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:58,584
It got converted
to a daycare center,
57
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,419
And they don't take
too kindly to loiterers.
58
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:03,388
That means we got to
kick your lame crew
out of here.
59
00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:04,156
(scoffs) lame?
60
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,925
We got madman schwartz,
naked rob,
61
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:10,662
And the original ladies' man,
andy cogan.
62
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,564
Hide your sisters,
boys.
63
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,466
But, truth be told,
I respect women.
64
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,001
You got nothing
on my crew.
65
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:19,371
We got psycho mikowitz,
diagnosed with
mild depression.
66
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,406
It's a constant numbness,
yo.
67
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,208
That's josh millstein-chang.
68
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,410
Yes,
of millstein-chang toyota.
69
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:26,411
And subaru.
70
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,980
And that's dumb doug.
71
00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:30,549
Don't be fooled.
It's an ironic nickname.
72
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,751
Brandeis early admission,
holmes!
73
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:35,053
So beat it or eat it.
Barry: Hey.
74
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:38,824
Everyone knows
that the jtp territory
75
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,292
Runs from this wawa
76
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:44,997
All the way down
to that weird church.
77
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:50,736
Not anymore.
78
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,604
Boop! (laughs)
mikowitz: Ooh!
79
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,706
Sweet treat
to the face!
80
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,041
Come on, barry.
Do something.
81
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:59,378
Andy: Don't take that, man.
Go. Come on.
82
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,346
That's
what I thought.
83
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,215
Adult adam:
For the first time
in his life,
84
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,584
Barry was faced
with an opponent
that he couldn't defeat
85
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,452
With a butt hat
or a waffle belly.
86
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,755
Let's go, boys.
(chuckles)
87
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:10,522
He booped me.
88
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,058
He booped an ice-cream cone
on my nose,
89
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,626
And I just stood there
and took it.
90
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,295
There's no coming back
from that.
91
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:16,995
Oh, yes, there is.
92
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:19,998
Back in the army,
I was a welterweight boxer.
93
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,234
Now, I can teach you
everything I know,
94
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:23,902
But it's gonna take
a lot of hard work and...
95
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,837
Enough!
Adult adam: But barry
didn't like hard work.
96
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:29,174
He liked stupid,
convoluted plans.
97
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,443
There's only
one logical thing to do.
98
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:32,811
I will become
nationally known
99
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,947
As television's
greatest warrior,
100
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:36,848
And that parking lot
will be mine.
101
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,284
I thought we were gonna do
a whole thing together.
102
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:41,587
We are not.
Adam!
103
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:43,555
Whatever it is, no.
104
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,023
Now, go get
your nerdy video camera.
105
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,326
I got to make myself
an audition tape.
106
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:48,093
Why would I help you?
107
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,462
All you do is
make my life
a living hell.
108
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,765
If you don't help me,
it'll get a lot worse.
Mark my words.
109
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,903
There'll be
no butt un-wedgied,
no willy un-wetted,
110
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:58,870
And no nurple un-purpled.
111
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:03,442
It'll be a 24-hour-a-day,
full-body beatdown.
112
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,444
(groans)
fine. I'll do it.
113
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,513
Yes!
Time to get pumped!
114
00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:10,249
Celebratory butt hat!
115
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,216
No!
(thudding)
116
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:13,018
Adam: This is not
a celebration!
117
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,519
¶ I'm twisted up inside
118
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:18,457
¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
119
00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:21,727
¶ I don't know the future
120
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:25,130
¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶
121
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,865
Adult adam: It was
November 2, 1980-something,
122
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:31,236
And the presidential election
between reagan and mondale
was heating up.
123
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,772
But the real debate
was in our living room.
124
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,474
Everything you're saying
is wrong!
125
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,743
There's only one choice,
and it's mondale.
126
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:40,545
That nerd
can't compete with reagan.
127
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:41,813
Reagan likes jelly beans.
128
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,182
He's got the hair
of a greek god.
129
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:44,916
What's not to like?
130
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,785
Well, I care
about the issues.
131
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,421
There's only one issue
that matters in this race,
132
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,188
And that's taxes.
133
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,691
Mondale specifically said
he would raise them.
134
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,227
That's all you care about?
Taxes?
135
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:55,560
Yes!
136
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:57,863
Why do you think we had adam?
He was a write-off.
137
00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:00,165
Murray, change the channel.
T.J. Hooker's on.
138
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,768
Mom, we're talking about
important issues right now.
139
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:03,902
Who are you
gonna vote for?
140
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,470
Murray,
who am I gonna vote for?
141
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,204
Reagan.
Reagan.
142
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,839
Mom, you can't just
blindly follow what dad says.
143
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:11,176
Your father makes me
a little cheat sheet.
What do you call it, mur?
144
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,511
"murray's picks."
"murray's picks."
145
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,180
(groans) how do you not
care about the world at all?
146
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,848
What are you doing
trying to rile up your mother?
147
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,084
What's wrong?
You afraid I'm gonna
make mom a free thinker
148
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,586
And inspire her to go
make a real difference?
Yes!
149
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:24,323
Whenever she gets passionate
about something,
150
00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:25,190
She makes me do stuff.
151
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:28,927
And the last thing
I want to do in life... Stuff.
152
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,362
Mom,
this affects all of us.
153
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:33,932
Mondale's vice president
will be geraldine ferraro...
154
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,168
A woman
in the white house.
155
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:39,338
Oh, wow. Amazing.
It really is.
156
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:40,572
I mean,
that heather locklear
157
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,407
Sure has a way
with a feather brush.
158
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,710
Her hair doesn't even move
when she kicks a gang member.
159
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,579
Adult adam:
While erica was trying
to educate my mom
160
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:48,313
About the outside world,
161
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,283
My delusional brother
was ready to show the universe
162
00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:53,218
Just how tough he really was.
163
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:53,585
Okay.
164
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:56,355
Now it's time for me
to demonstrate my superiority
165
00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:59,524
In all the official
american gladiator events.
166
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,526
Roll camera.
167
00:06:02,595 --> 00:06:05,263
Go ahead...
Take a whack at my face.
168
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:09,901
Wait. You want me to hit you,
and you won't hit back?
169
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:10,602
Oh, no.
170
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:14,005
I will stand here
like a steel mountain.
171
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,775
Adult adam: After a lifetime
of taking barry beatings,
172
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,544
It was finally my turn
to dish it out.
173
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,780
(soft thuds)
174
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:22,714
Stop! Ow!
175
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,950
That's too much!
Ow!
176
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,418
(lisping)
I'm biting my tongue!
177
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:29,221
Ow! Right in the ear hole!
Time out!
178
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:32,157
Years of bottled-up anger
came flooding out,
179
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,626
And it felt amazing!
180
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,562
Next up... The assault.
181
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,563
Ahhh!
I wasn't ready!
182
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:42,134
You think nitro's gonna wait
till you're ready?
Now dance!
183
00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:44,703
Hold fire!
Stop! Ow!
184
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,872
That hurts! Stop!
185
00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:50,075
(groans)
stop! Hold fire!
186
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:50,742
Ow!
187
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:55,147
I now give you
the human cannonball.
188
00:06:55,615 --> 00:06:57,048
Let's do this!
189
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,217
Three...Two...One.
190
00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,052
Ahhh!
191
00:07:02,054 --> 00:07:03,155
(groans)
192
00:07:03,157 --> 00:07:04,122
Did you at least
get the shot?
193
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:07,993
(groans) the lens cap was on.
We should go again.
194
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:08,860
Erica: Read it.
195
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:11,930
It's everything you need
to know about the election.
196
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,064
Or I could do something
meaningful
197
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:17,068
And bake my special
double-marshmallow fudgy
nut butterscotch bars.
198
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,671
No. There's a whole world
outside of this house.
199
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,273
Don't you want to make it
a better place
200
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,808
For your children
and grandchildren?
201
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,644
Ohhh! You're gonna give me
grandbabies! Ohhh.
202
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:26,845
You're not
pregnant now?
203
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,648
No! Mom, focus.
You need to get political.
204
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,850
This is exactly
why I joined
the politics club
205
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,251
And signed up
for the mock debate.
206
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:34,853
I thought you said
the kids in that club
207
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,221
Were disturbing
to the senses.
208
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:38,590
Yeah. That club's like
god's junk drawer.
209
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,726
Point is, my stock
at school is plummeting,
210
00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:42,894
And I don't even care.
211
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,095
That's how much
this matters.
212
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,665
So please,
just give it a read.
213
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:47,365
All right, all right.
214
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,468
If it means that much to you,
I'll give it a look.
215
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,937
Adult adam:
All erica wanted to do
was teach my mom
216
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,004
That politics
could change the world.
217
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:57,175
Unfortunately,
beverly goldberg was a much
more eager student
218
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,477
Than erica expected.
219
00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:01,079
Oh, my god! What?
Schmoo, there is a woman
220
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,948
Who's gonna change
the course of our nation,
221
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,749
And I need
to get behind her.
222
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:05,517
Geraldine ferraro?
223
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,451
Nancy reagan!
Say what, now?
224
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:10,322
I mean, she is a real spitfire
with a killer fashion sense.
225
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,357
You know,
not everyone can pull off
226
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,358
A red skirt suit like us.
227
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,628
Forget the suit.
What about
the actual politician...
228
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:17,262
Geraldine ferraro?
229
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:20,098
Oh, that woman with
the awful bowl cut?
Blech!
230
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,099
Don't you "blech" her.
231
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,368
It's not about her hair.
It's about her issues.
232
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,804
Well, her number-one issue
should be that hair.
233
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,638
Her hair is fine!
234
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,273
I agree it's not great,
but it's fine!
235
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:31,943
Nancy is just like me.
She calls all the shots.
236
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,646
She loves kids.
She hates crack rock.
237
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:38,350
She even has her own
anti-drug campaign...
238
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,318
"just say no."
239
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,486
"just say no"?
240
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:42,087
"just say no."
241
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,855
I didn't know
it was that easy.
242
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,056
Let me just call
betty ford
243
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,324
And tell her
to shut the clinic down.
244
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,960
I think I'm gonna go down
to the local campaign office
245
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,862
And start handing out
"just say no" t-shirts.
246
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:54,299
I cannot thank you
enough for opening
my eyes to this, erica.
247
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,435
I hate drugs
so (bleep) much!
248
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,436
(chuckles)
249
00:08:58,438 --> 00:08:59,104
But I love you.
250
00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,139
Adult adam: Erica had lit
a spark in my mom,
251
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,642
And it was about to spread
like wildfire.
252
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:07,078
Hello, and welcome
to the mock
presidential debate.
253
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,347
Boy: (in audience)
you suck!
254
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,949
Mike safris is reagan.
255
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:14,286
Erica goldberg
is miss walter mondale.
256
00:09:14,288 --> 00:09:18,056
But before we begin,
we have a special guest
257
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,592
Who has forced me
to allow her to speak
258
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,827
On behalf
of our first lady...
259
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:23,495
Mrs. Goldberg.
260
00:09:23,497 --> 00:09:25,997
Oh, sweet dear lord
in heaven, no.
261
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,198
Look at me, boopie.
I'm all political.
(chuckles)
262
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,434
Adult adam: That's right.
In the world's most
misguided attempt
263
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:32,804
To make erica proud,
my mom had gotten
politically active.
264
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,106
Set it up
like we rehearsed.
265
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,309
Way, way too active.
266
00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:37,876
Hello, teens.
267
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:42,213
I'd like to speak to you
about nancy reagan's
"just say no" campaign
268
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:46,952
Through a little role-playing
scenario that I wrote myself.
269
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,554
Hi,
popular football player.
270
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,355
I'm a local tough
271
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:54,859
Who slings dope cigarettes
outside this very high school.
272
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:57,262
Would you like drugs?
273
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:57,996
What will I do?
274
00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:00,632
My teenage mind is soft
and easily persuaded
275
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,567
By peer pressure
and the need to fit in.
276
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,169
Adult adam:
For the next 35 minutes,
277
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,537
My mom
passionately inhabited
278
00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:06,805
The role of spider,
the drug pusher,
279
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:11,376
In what became
the most embarrassing moment
of my sister's life.
280
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,078
Beverly:
Be cool, homey.
281
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,613
I've got booger sugar,
282
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,680
Goofballs, poppers,
283
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:19,384
Uppers, downers, ludes,
wammers, and jammers.
284
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,420
What do you say,
impressionable teenager?
285
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,355
Let's chase the dragon.
286
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,590
No. I just say no
to drugs.
287
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:26,424
And scene.
288
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,827
(scattered applause)
vote reagan, everyone.
289
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:32,430
Wow. Well, thank you
very much for that,
mrs. Goldberg.
290
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:36,735
Unfortunately, uh,
we no longer have time
for our debate.
291
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,803
What?
(audience cheering)
292
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,139
Adult adam:
Yep. Erica realized
our dad was right.
293
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:45,677
You never, ever encourage
beverly goldberg.
294
00:10:45,778 --> 00:10:49,914
After the debate,
erica thought my mom was done
with her war on drugs.
295
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:53,184
Unfortunately,
she was just getting started.
296
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:53,752
Again, nothing.
297
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:57,656
We have some books,
lacrosse sticks,
scissors, glue.
298
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,124
You sad, naive man.
299
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,358
What's this,
keith richards?
300
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,161
You gonna sniff it
so you can trip out?
301
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,295
Would that work?
302
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,164
Mom,
what are you doing?
303
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,266
Locker searches?
Are you kidding me?
304
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,834
The whole school
is calling me a narc.
305
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,438
"narc" is just
another word for "hero."
(chuckles)
306
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,307
I'm getting involved,
just like you said.
307
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:17,475
I just love politics.
308
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,444
This has nothing
to do with politics.
309
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,846
Nancy reagan
isn't running for president.
310
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,349
She's just a clueless
housewife, like you.
311
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,886
Now, stop ruining my life
and go home!
312
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,287
I think
she's on the glue stick.
313
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:34,225
Adult adam:
Erica was desperately trying
to crush my mom's enthusiasm.
314
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,160
Be careful
with that tape.
315
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,194
It's gonna
make my brother famous.
316
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,196
Adult adam: Meanwhile,
I was sending off a package
317
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,631
That would crush
barry's dreams.
318
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,966
I hate to break it to you,
but I saw that tape.
319
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:46,304
I...I don't think
it shows your brother
in the best light.
320
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:46,905
Don't worry.
321
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:50,275
It'll get barry
on america's greatest tv show.
322
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,243
Just not the one
you'd think.
323
00:11:53,479 --> 00:11:56,648
We will show no clip
before its time.
324
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,283
It's time.
325
00:11:58,484 --> 00:11:59,517
(man on tv groans)
(adam chuckles)
326
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:03,254
That happy father
got punched in the pistachios
327
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,490
By a toddler
for no reason!
328
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:08,927
This show changes
everything I know about funny.
329
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,028
(screams)
330
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:13,431
(laughs)
are you sure about this?
331
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,101
I mean, you already
got to beat barry up
332
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,535
In the backyard
all afternoon.
333
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:20,305
Do you really need to
humiliate him on national tv?
334
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,174
One afternoon of hitting him
with a stick doesn't make up
335
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,611
For a lifetime
of waffle bellies
and butt hats.
336
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:29,481
By tomorrow, barry's bruises
will have healed,
337
00:12:29,483 --> 00:12:32,016
But revenge like this
stays forever.
338
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,818
But at what price?
339
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,053
10 grand if I win.
340
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,554
Yo! Ad-rock!
341
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:37,856
How's editing going?
342
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:38,890
Did you add in
those fireballs
343
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,492
And karate-chop
sound effects
like I asked?
344
00:12:40,494 --> 00:12:44,229
Oh, yeah! It was so good,
I already shipped it off.
345
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,730
Without even
showing it to me first?
346
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,767
I didn't have a choice.
The deadline was tomorrow.
347
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,435
Way to think ahead,
man!
348
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,836
Once I get on
american gladiators,
349
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,239
The meadowbrook mafia
will bow down
to my awesomeness
350
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,441
And be forced to give us
our parking lot back.
351
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,376
Sounds like
an airtight plan.
352
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,712
(sighs) I know
I don't say this a lot, but...
353
00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:02,547
You really are
a good brother.
354
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,015
You really don't need
to thank me.
355
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,818
That's why I decided
to get you a little something.
356
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,553
Here.
357
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:09,821
That's the first day
we ever met.
358
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:13,158
Mom and dad said
they were bringing me a gift
back from the hospital,
359
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,927
And it turned out
to be you.
360
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:19,564
You were the greatest gift
I ever got.
361
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,966
Ooh.
362
00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:26,004
That's too nice
for the circumstances.
363
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,172
I'm gonna go
hang out by the phone
364
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,840
And wait for
the gladiators to call.
365
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,709
You're the best,
ad-rock.
366
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,677
We need
to get that tape back.
367
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,913
Adult adam:
While I was determined
to right my wrong,
368
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,281
My mom was determined
to show erica
369
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,250
She was anything
but a clueless housewife.
370
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:39,818
Erica: My god!
371
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,087
What horrible thing
is happening
in my house right now?
372
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:43,688
Something glorious.
373
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:46,024
Your mother is
going to single-handedly
374
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,058
Get the gipper re-elected.
375
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,328
You can't get
reagan re-elected
just to spite me.
376
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,196
Oh, I can, and I will.
377
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,364
I will change
the course of history
378
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,500
Just to show you
how clue-ful I am.
379
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:59,637
So you'd turn
this great country into
a nightmarish hellscape
380
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:00,605
Just to prove a point?
381
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,540
Oh, yes, but it will be
a magical land
382
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:06,578
Where president reagan
gives every american
free jelly beans,
383
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:09,581
A world where sons
just say no to drugs
384
00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:13,952
And daughters say yes
to respecting their mothers.
385
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,486
You know,
for the last two years,
386
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,356
All I've cared about
is boys and clothes
387
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,324
And what my friends think.
388
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:23,461
And for once,
I got excited
about something real.
389
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,263
I thought that I could make
a difference
390
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,098
And get people
to see the world like I do.
391
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:31,870
But you've proved that
I can't even do that
with my own mom.
392
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:32,537
So...
393
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,205
Thanks for ruining
the only thing
394
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,040
I've cared about
in a long time.
395
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:39,110
Adult adam:
While my mom had realized
just how much she hurt erica,
396
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:44,082
I was hoping pops
could help me
from hurting barry.
397
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,283
Oh, thank god.
398
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,484
How did it go
at the post office?
399
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,453
Did you seduce the mail lady
with your charms?
400
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,688
She was built
like a steamer trunk.
401
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,091
I'm not going out
that way, kid.
402
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,259
What am I gonna do?
403
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,094
I've called bob saget
a hundred times.
404
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,295
His people
are icing me out.
405
00:14:57,297 --> 00:15:00,465
I hate to say it,
but I think you're gonna
have to bite the bullet
406
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,433
And tell barry
what you did.
407
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,268
I can't do that.
408
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,803
He's your brother.
He'll understand.
409
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,071
I will murder your face!
410
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,774
Relax! There's no way
bob saget will pick your tape.
411
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,776
All you did
was get relentlessly hit
412
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,912
In the nose, head,
face, testicles...
413
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,546
Oh, god.
He is gonna pick it.
414
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:18,516
That's it! You are no longer
my favorite gift!
415
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,117
Aw, don't say that.
416
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,420
That honor now goes
to the stilts I got
for my birthday.
417
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,488
I can't believe
you did this to me.
418
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:27,558
What did you expect?
I was sick of
getting dead-legged
419
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,960
And my belly waffled.
420
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:29,694
It really hurts.
421
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:32,430
And my skin
doesn't bounce back
the way it once did.
422
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,499
But beating you up
is our thing!
423
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,501
How is violence upon me
our thing?
424
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:40,138
That's how we bond!
What else am I
supposed to do?
425
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:40,772
Give you a hug?
426
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,707
Yes!
A hug would be nice!
427
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,842
A hug would feel good
on my body!
428
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:48,146
Nipple cripples are my way
of showing you love, okay?
429
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:48,813
It's how I hug you.
430
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,982
But after this,
I'm never beating
you up again!
431
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:54,152
Oh, come on.
You don't mean that.
432
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,787
Give me
a nipple cripple.
Never!
433
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:59,057
You'll never feel
the painful sting
of my touch again.
434
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:02,694
Now, leave my room
quietly and safely.
435
00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:09,467
And please...
Watch your fingers!
436
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,303
Adult adam:
Barry would never forgive me
437
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,940
For making a hilarious mockery
of his gladiator audition,
438
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,875
But I had a way
to change that.
439
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,377
What do you want?
440
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:19,978
Hey.
441
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,313
I know you're mad,
and you deserve to be.
442
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:25,016
But there's something
you need to see.
443
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:27,285
(tape plays)
444
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:30,455
Barry: (on tv)
force! Force!
Force! Yeah!
445
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,057
Pain! Pain!
Pain! Yeah!
446
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,826
Yeah!
447
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:37,428
(grunting)
448
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,030
Yeah!
449
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,531
No tennis ball
can hurt me!
450
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,735
Bring it!
(grunts)
451
00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:46,938
Ahhh!
I feel nothing!
452
00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:48,072
Adam: Look how tough
you are, man.
453
00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:50,308
If you could take
an ass-kicking like this,
454
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,277
I know you can take
a hundred ice-cream boops
455
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:54,345
From those
meadowbrook punks.
456
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:58,016
You think one video's
gonna change the way
I feel about you?
457
00:16:58,018 --> 00:16:59,150
No.
458
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,853
But you need to know
how I feel about you.
459
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:02,453
You're the gift.
460
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,423
I could have ended up
with any brother in the world,
461
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:10,028
But mine is loud and tough
and emotionally unstable.
462
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:13,197
But I wouldn't have it
any other way.
463
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:15,033
Get the jtp
on the horn.
464
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,402
We got a wawa
to conquer.
465
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:20,505
Good heelwork,
millstein-chang.
466
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:25,576
This is my sack now,
just like this is my wawa.
467
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:28,780
Well, well.
Somebody grew a pair.
468
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:29,414
(chuckles)
469
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,049
Yo, dumb doug,
give me your soft serve.
470
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,584
Okay, but you owe me
75 cent...
471
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,454
Looks like someone's
cruisin' for a boopin'.
472
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,790
I'm not afraid of you,
bradley cooper.
473
00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:40,391
I'm not afraid
of anything.
474
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,959
What are you gonna do
with that, goldberg?
475
00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:45,463
Something I should have done
a long time ago.
476
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,231
(baltimora's tarzan boy
plays)
477
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,100
¶ oh, oh, oh, oh
478
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,737
(yells)
bring the pain!
479
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:53,504
Ahhh!
480
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,674
Adult adam:
And bring the pain he did.
481
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:57,208
Barry: Ahhh!
482
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,677
Adult adam: Barry booped,
batted, and beat himself up
pretty bad that day.
483
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:02,647
I...Am...
Emotionally...Un...Stable!
484
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:03,714
He reclaimed the wawa
485
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,217
Using pure strength
and unreasonable power.
486
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,151
Get out of here!
Jtp!
487
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:12,957
Yep, there was only one
true american gladiator...
Barry goldberg.
488
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,129
Hey, sweetie.
489
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,564
Debate's about
to come on tv.
490
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:23,534
Pass.
I'm going with lainey
to the mall.
491
00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:25,369
I'm sorry, okay?
492
00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:27,905
I went overboard.
493
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:28,306
(sighs)
494
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:32,343
Y-you know, parents
always want their kids
to look up to them,
495
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:34,011
But you've gotten
so smart,
496
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:36,114
I'm the one
who looks up to you.
497
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,483
I just wanted
to make you proud.
498
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,650
You do make me proud.
499
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,886
And just because
you don't share my opinion
500
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,387
Doesn't mean you're wrong.
501
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:45,423
Even though you are.
502
00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:48,593
Erica: That's right.
I will raise taxes,
503
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:52,497
Because nothing is free,
except this country...
504
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:56,234
The greatest country
in the whole
friggin' universe.
505
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,036
Adult adam:
No one was prouder
than beverly goldberg.
506
00:18:59,038 --> 00:18:59,937
Seeing erica on that stage,
507
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:04,675
My mom knew there was
no one else in the world
she'd rather look up to.
508
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:05,910
¶ night to night
509
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,079
Adult adam:
We never found out
who mom voted for that year,
510
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:12,650
But what we do know
is she never needed
a cheat sheet again.
511
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,852
Unfortunately,
the real election
512
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,788
Didn't quite work out
the way erica hoped.
513
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:18,556
Look at that.
514
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,424
Biggest landslide
in us history.
515
00:19:20,426 --> 00:19:23,394
You were right.
He should have lied
about taxes.
516
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,631
All that work I put in,
and it was for nothing.
517
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:30,301
You may have swayed
somebody at the debate.
518
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:33,037
Wait. I got you
to vote for mondale?
519
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:35,606
Tell me
you voted for mondale!
520
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,207
¶ jungle life
521
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,442
¶ you're far away
from nothing
522
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:40,111
Dude!
It worked!
523
00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:41,412
We got the wawa back!
524
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,381
Well, glad I could help.
525
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:44,949
Cool.
526
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,084
Cool. (chuckles)
527
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:50,388
¶ oh, oh, oh, oh-oh,
oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ¶
528
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:53,658
Adult adam: Yeah, every family
shows their love
in crazy ways.
529
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,195
Some brothers give noogies,
wedgies, and waffle bellies,
530
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:58,629
Ow! Stop!
It was a sweet moment!
531
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:02,133
And some moms take
"just say no"
to embarrassing extremes.
532
00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:04,569
Stop showing me love!
Too much love! (laughs)
533
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:06,237
Sure, at the time,
you wish they never happened,
534
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,940
But later, you look back
and wish you could relive
535
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:14,879
Each and every wonderfully
painful moment one more time.
536
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:20,051
Do you know
what I want to talk about?
537
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:24,689
Drugs... It's a ver...
Very bad thing to...Deal with.
538
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,524
Here we have drugs.
539
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,292
(bell dings)
540
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:31,162
This thing can totally
destroy your mind.
541
00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:33,931
It's very bad for you!
542
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,167
Drugs! Drugs!
543
00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:37,902
Drugs.
544
00:20:40,939 --> 00:20:44,442
Ahhh! He could be
seriously hurt right now!
545
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,344
Why am I laughing?
546
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,312
Look at this jamoke!
547
00:20:48,314 --> 00:20:51,148
You don't swing-dance
that close to a pool.
548
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,718
You got to be a real putz
to get on this show.
549
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,821
Bob saget: (on tv)
I'll bet by now you've chosen
your favorite video,
550
00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:59,690
But not so fast, buster...
And busterettes.
551
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:00,691
You haven't seen this one.
552
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,693
Barry: (on tv)
stop! Hey!
That's too much!
553
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:03,761
(lisping)
I'm biting my tongue!
554
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,596
Ow! My back!
Please stop!
555
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:09,300
Ahhh! I wasn't ready!
(groans)
556
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,668
Is that...
Oh, my god!
557
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:14,105
I need to record this!
How do I record this?
Barry: Adam!
558
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:18,009
I'm gonna show you
I love you
so hard right now!
559
00:21:18,011 --> 00:21:18,809
Ohhh! (laughs)
560
00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:22,146
Look!
Our baby's on tv!
561
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:25,616
(laughs) ohhh!
I hope we win money.