1 00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:02,768 Adult adam: Anyone who has a big brother will tell you 2 00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:05,504 That quality time together looks like this. (groaning) 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:08,807 But my brother, barry, took it to another level. 4 00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,677 Atomic elbow drop! (adam grunts) 5 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,478 Come here! 6 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:14,947 Most big brothers were content with wedgies and noogies, 7 00:00:14,949 --> 00:00:16,148 No! But not mine. 8 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:17,583 There was the butt hat... 9 00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,785 Oh! Look, your new hat fits perfectly. 10 00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:23,355 The waffle belly... Smells like home cooking. 11 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,990 Adam: Why are you like this? 12 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,158 We're gonna get some waffles. 13 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,728 And the one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy... 14 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:30,929 The jock-xygen mask. 15 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,665 Yeah. Breathe it in. 16 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,400 (muffled scream) 17 00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:37,336 And like any tormenter, barry fell in love with a show 18 00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:40,739 That made beating people up an art form. 19 00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:41,907 (all cheering) 20 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,175 That hurt. That hurt. 21 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,576 What are you watching? 22 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,511 American gladiators. 23 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,780 It mixes showbiz, patriotism, 24 00:00:47,782 --> 00:00:50,082 And spandex for a trifecta of viewing pleasure. 25 00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,718 They pit grossly muscular warriors with cartoonish names 26 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,422 Against accountants and dental hygienists in feats of strength. 27 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,624 Wow! So many new and creative ways 28 00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,792 For people to hurt each other. 29 00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:00,793 Adult adam: And barry wasted no time 30 00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:03,595 Using those new and creative ways to hurt someone... 31 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,764 Me. Why? 32 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,332 You've been gladiated. 33 00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:09,635 That's not even a word! 34 00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:10,436 Whoo! 35 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,172 Adult adam: Yep, barry didn't just watch gladiators, he lived it. 36 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:16,075 When he'd hang out with the jenkintown posse, 37 00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:17,976 It's all they talked about. 38 00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:18,911 Whoo! (cheering) 39 00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:22,114 Goldberg! Reigning champion of powerball. 40 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,315 You destroyed that food! 41 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:24,917 Yeah! And scratched my retina. 42 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:28,287 I'm unstoppable. I own this parking lot. 43 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,856 Sure do, bro. 44 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:32,224 Oh, crap. 45 00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:34,493 Adult adam: It was the meadowbrook mafia, 46 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:37,629 A rival wannabe posse from the next town over. 47 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,264 The meadowbrook mafia. 48 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,399 Those guys are crazy. 49 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,533 Yo, I know their leader. 50 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:45,537 He got kicked out of my tennis camp for disruptive behavior. 51 00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:48,774 Look who it is. The jenkinturd posse. 52 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,110 Shut up, bradley. You know it's jenkintown. 53 00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,845 Hey, why don't you take your ice cream 54 00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:55,247 And go back to that stupid friendly's parking lot 55 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,049 You always hang out at? Bradley: Can't. 56 00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:58,584 It got converted to a daycare center, 57 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,419 And they don't take too kindly to loiterers. 58 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:03,388 That means we got to kick your lame crew out of here. 59 00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:04,156 (scoffs) lame? 60 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,925 We got madman schwartz, naked rob, 61 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:10,662 And the original ladies' man, andy cogan. 62 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,564 Hide your sisters, boys. 63 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,466 But, truth be told, I respect women. 64 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,001 You got nothing on my crew. 65 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:19,371 We got psycho mikowitz, diagnosed with mild depression. 66 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,406 It's a constant numbness, yo. 67 00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,208 That's josh millstein-chang. 68 00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,410 Yes, of millstein-chang toyota. 69 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:26,411 And subaru. 70 00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,980 And that's dumb doug. 71 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:30,549 Don't be fooled. It's an ironic nickname. 72 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,751 Brandeis early admission, holmes! 73 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:35,053 So beat it or eat it. Barry: Hey. 74 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:38,824 Everyone knows that the jtp territory 75 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,292 Runs from this wawa 76 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:44,997 All the way down to that weird church. 77 00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:50,736 Not anymore. 78 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,604 Boop! (laughs) mikowitz: Ooh! 79 00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,706 Sweet treat to the face! 80 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,041 Come on, barry. Do something. 81 00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:59,378 Andy: Don't take that, man. Go. Come on. 82 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,346 That's what I thought. 83 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,215 Adult adam: For the first time in his life, 84 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,584 Barry was faced with an opponent that he couldn't defeat 85 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,452 With a butt hat or a waffle belly. 86 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,755 Let's go, boys. (chuckles) 87 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:10,522 He booped me. 88 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,058 He booped an ice-cream cone on my nose, 89 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,626 And I just stood there and took it. 90 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,295 There's no coming back from that. 91 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:16,995 Oh, yes, there is. 92 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:19,998 Back in the army, I was a welterweight boxer. 93 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,234 Now, I can teach you everything I know, 94 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:23,902 But it's gonna take a lot of hard work and... 95 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,837 Enough! Adult adam: But barry didn't like hard work. 96 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:29,174 He liked stupid, convoluted plans. 97 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,443 There's only one logical thing to do. 98 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:32,811 I will become nationally known 99 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,947 As television's greatest warrior, 100 00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:36,848 And that parking lot will be mine. 101 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,284 I thought we were gonna do a whole thing together. 102 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:41,587 We are not. Adam! 103 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:43,555 Whatever it is, no. 104 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,023 Now, go get your nerdy video camera. 105 00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,326 I got to make myself an audition tape. 106 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:48,093 Why would I help you? 107 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,462 All you do is make my life a living hell. 108 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,765 If you don't help me, it'll get a lot worse. Mark my words. 109 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,903 There'll be no butt un-wedgied, no willy un-wetted, 110 00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:58,870 And no nurple un-purpled. 111 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:03,442 It'll be a 24-hour-a-day, full-body beatdown. 112 00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,444 (groans) fine. I'll do it. 113 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,513 Yes! Time to get pumped! 114 00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:10,249 Celebratory butt hat! 115 00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,216 No! (thudding) 116 00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:13,018 Adam: This is not a celebration! 117 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,519 ¶ I'm twisted up inside 118 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:18,457 ¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 119 00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:21,727 ¶ I don't know the future 120 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:25,130 ¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶ 121 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,865 Adult adam: It was November 2, 1980-something, 122 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:31,236 And the presidential election between reagan and mondale was heating up. 123 00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,772 But the real debate was in our living room. 124 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,474 Everything you're saying is wrong! 125 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,743 There's only one choice, and it's mondale. 126 00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:40,545 That nerd can't compete with reagan. 127 00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:41,813 Reagan likes jelly beans. 128 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,182 He's got the hair of a greek god. 129 00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:44,916 What's not to like? 130 00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,785 Well, I care about the issues. 131 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,421 There's only one issue that matters in this race, 132 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,188 And that's taxes. 133 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,691 Mondale specifically said he would raise them. 134 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,227 That's all you care about? Taxes? 135 00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:55,560 Yes! 136 00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:57,863 Why do you think we had adam? He was a write-off. 137 00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:00,165 Murray, change the channel. T.J. Hooker's on. 138 00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,768 Mom, we're talking about important issues right now. 139 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:03,902 Who are you gonna vote for? 140 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,470 Murray, who am I gonna vote for? 141 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,204 Reagan. Reagan. 142 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,839 Mom, you can't just blindly follow what dad says. 143 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:11,176 Your father makes me a little cheat sheet. What do you call it, mur? 144 00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,511 "murray's picks." "murray's picks." 145 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,180 (groans) how do you not care about the world at all? 146 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,848 What are you doing trying to rile up your mother? 147 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,084 What's wrong? You afraid I'm gonna make mom a free thinker 148 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,586 And inspire her to go make a real difference? Yes! 149 00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:24,323 Whenever she gets passionate about something, 150 00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:25,190 She makes me do stuff. 151 00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:28,927 And the last thing I want to do in life... Stuff. 152 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,362 Mom, this affects all of us. 153 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:33,932 Mondale's vice president will be geraldine ferraro... 154 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,168 A woman in the white house. 155 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:39,338 Oh, wow. Amazing. It really is. 156 00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:40,572 I mean, that heather locklear 157 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,407 Sure has a way with a feather brush. 158 00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,710 Her hair doesn't even move when she kicks a gang member. 159 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,579 Adult adam: While erica was trying to educate my mom 160 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:48,313 About the outside world, 161 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,283 My delusional brother was ready to show the universe 162 00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:53,218 Just how tough he really was. 163 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:53,585 Okay. 164 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:56,355 Now it's time for me to demonstrate my superiority 165 00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:59,524 In all the official american gladiator events. 166 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,526 Roll camera. 167 00:06:02,595 --> 00:06:05,263 Go ahead... Take a whack at my face. 168 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:09,901 Wait. You want me to hit you, and you won't hit back? 169 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:10,602 Oh, no. 170 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:14,005 I will stand here like a steel mountain. 171 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,775 Adult adam: After a lifetime of taking barry beatings, 172 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,544 It was finally my turn to dish it out. 173 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,780 (soft thuds) 174 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:22,714 Stop! Ow! 175 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,950 That's too much! Ow! 176 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,418 (lisping) I'm biting my tongue! 177 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:29,221 Ow! Right in the ear hole! Time out! 178 00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:32,157 Years of bottled-up anger came flooding out, 179 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,626 And it felt amazing! 180 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,562 Next up... The assault. 181 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,563 Ahhh! I wasn't ready! 182 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:42,134 You think nitro's gonna wait till you're ready? Now dance! 183 00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:44,703 Hold fire! Stop! Ow! 184 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,872 That hurts! Stop! 185 00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:50,075 (groans) stop! Hold fire! 186 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:50,742 Ow! 187 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:55,147 I now give you the human cannonball. 188 00:06:55,615 --> 00:06:57,048 Let's do this! 189 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,217 Three...Two...One. 190 00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,052 Ahhh! 191 00:07:02,054 --> 00:07:03,155 (groans) 192 00:07:03,157 --> 00:07:04,122 Did you at least get the shot? 193 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:07,993 (groans) the lens cap was on. We should go again. 194 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:08,860 Erica: Read it. 195 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:11,930 It's everything you need to know about the election. 196 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,064 Or I could do something meaningful 197 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:17,068 And bake my special double-marshmallow fudgy nut butterscotch bars. 198 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,671 No. There's a whole world outside of this house. 199 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,273 Don't you want to make it a better place 200 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,808 For your children and grandchildren? 201 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,644 Ohhh! You're gonna give me grandbabies! Ohhh. 202 00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:26,845 You're not pregnant now? 203 00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,648 No! Mom, focus. You need to get political. 204 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,850 This is exactly why I joined the politics club 205 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,251 And signed up for the mock debate. 206 00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:34,853 I thought you said the kids in that club 207 00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,221 Were disturbing to the senses. 208 00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:38,590 Yeah. That club's like god's junk drawer. 209 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,726 Point is, my stock at school is plummeting, 210 00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:42,894 And I don't even care. 211 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,095 That's how much this matters. 212 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,665 So please, just give it a read. 213 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:47,365 All right, all right. 214 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,468 If it means that much to you, I'll give it a look. 215 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,937 Adult adam: All erica wanted to do was teach my mom 216 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,004 That politics could change the world. 217 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:57,175 Unfortunately, beverly goldberg was a much more eager student 218 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,477 Than erica expected. 219 00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:01,079 Oh, my god! What? Schmoo, there is a woman 220 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,948 Who's gonna change the course of our nation, 221 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,749 And I need to get behind her. 222 00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:05,517 Geraldine ferraro? 223 00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,451 Nancy reagan! Say what, now? 224 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:10,322 I mean, she is a real spitfire with a killer fashion sense. 225 00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,357 You know, not everyone can pull off 226 00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,358 A red skirt suit like us. 227 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,628 Forget the suit. What about the actual politician... 228 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:17,262 Geraldine ferraro? 229 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:20,098 Oh, that woman with the awful bowl cut? Blech! 230 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,099 Don't you "blech" her. 231 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,368 It's not about her hair. It's about her issues. 232 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,804 Well, her number-one issue should be that hair. 233 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,638 Her hair is fine! 234 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,273 I agree it's not great, but it's fine! 235 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:31,943 Nancy is just like me. She calls all the shots. 236 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,646 She loves kids. She hates crack rock. 237 00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:38,350 She even has her own anti-drug campaign... 238 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,318 "just say no." 239 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,486 "just say no"? 240 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:42,087 "just say no." 241 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,855 I didn't know it was that easy. 242 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,056 Let me just call betty ford 243 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,324 And tell her to shut the clinic down. 244 00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,960 I think I'm gonna go down to the local campaign office 245 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,862 And start handing out "just say no" t-shirts. 246 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:54,299 I cannot thank you enough for opening my eyes to this, erica. 247 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,435 I hate drugs so (bleep) much! 248 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,436 (chuckles) 249 00:08:58,438 --> 00:08:59,104 But I love you. 250 00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,139 Adult adam: Erica had lit a spark in my mom, 251 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,642 And it was about to spread like wildfire. 252 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:07,078 Hello, and welcome to the mock presidential debate. 253 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,347 Boy: (in audience) you suck! 254 00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,949 Mike safris is reagan. 255 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:14,286 Erica goldberg is miss walter mondale. 256 00:09:14,288 --> 00:09:18,056 But before we begin, we have a special guest 257 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,592 Who has forced me to allow her to speak 258 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,827 On behalf of our first lady... 259 00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:23,495 Mrs. Goldberg. 260 00:09:23,497 --> 00:09:25,997 Oh, sweet dear lord in heaven, no. 261 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,198 Look at me, boopie. I'm all political. (chuckles) 262 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,434 Adult adam: That's right. In the world's most misguided attempt 263 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:32,804 To make erica proud, my mom had gotten politically active. 264 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,106 Set it up like we rehearsed. 265 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,309 Way, way too active. 266 00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:37,876 Hello, teens. 267 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:42,213 I'd like to speak to you about nancy reagan's "just say no" campaign 268 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:46,952 Through a little role-playing scenario that I wrote myself. 269 00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,554 Hi, popular football player. 270 00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,355 I'm a local tough 271 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:54,859 Who slings dope cigarettes outside this very high school. 272 00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:57,262 Would you like drugs? 273 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:57,996 What will I do? 274 00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:00,632 My teenage mind is soft and easily persuaded 275 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,567 By peer pressure and the need to fit in. 276 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,169 Adult adam: For the next 35 minutes, 277 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,537 My mom passionately inhabited 278 00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:06,805 The role of spider, the drug pusher, 279 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:11,376 In what became the most embarrassing moment of my sister's life. 280 00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,078 Beverly: Be cool, homey. 281 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,613 I've got booger sugar, 282 00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,680 Goofballs, poppers, 283 00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:19,384 Uppers, downers, ludes, wammers, and jammers. 284 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,420 What do you say, impressionable teenager? 285 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,355 Let's chase the dragon. 286 00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,590 No. I just say no to drugs. 287 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:26,424 And scene. 288 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,827 (scattered applause) vote reagan, everyone. 289 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:32,430 Wow. Well, thank you very much for that, mrs. Goldberg. 290 00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:36,735 Unfortunately, uh, we no longer have time for our debate. 291 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,803 What? (audience cheering) 292 00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,139 Adult adam: Yep. Erica realized our dad was right. 293 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:45,677 You never, ever encourage beverly goldberg. 294 00:10:45,778 --> 00:10:49,914 After the debate, erica thought my mom was done with her war on drugs. 295 00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:53,184 Unfortunately, she was just getting started. 296 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:53,752 Again, nothing. 297 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:57,656 We have some books, lacrosse sticks, scissors, glue. 298 00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,124 You sad, naive man. 299 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,358 What's this, keith richards? 300 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,161 You gonna sniff it so you can trip out? 301 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,295 Would that work? 302 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,164 Mom, what are you doing? 303 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,266 Locker searches? Are you kidding me? 304 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,834 The whole school is calling me a narc. 305 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,438 "narc" is just another word for "hero." (chuckles) 306 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,307 I'm getting involved, just like you said. 307 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:17,475 I just love politics. 308 00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,444 This has nothing to do with politics. 309 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,846 Nancy reagan isn't running for president. 310 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,349 She's just a clueless housewife, like you. 311 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,886 Now, stop ruining my life and go home! 312 00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,287 I think she's on the glue stick. 313 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:34,225 Adult adam: Erica was desperately trying to crush my mom's enthusiasm. 314 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,160 Be careful with that tape. 315 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,194 It's gonna make my brother famous. 316 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,196 Adult adam: Meanwhile, I was sending off a package 317 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,631 That would crush barry's dreams. 318 00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,966 I hate to break it to you, but I saw that tape. 319 00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:46,304 I...I don't think it shows your brother in the best light. 320 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:46,905 Don't worry. 321 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:50,275 It'll get barry on america's greatest tv show. 322 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,243 Just not the one you'd think. 323 00:11:53,479 --> 00:11:56,648 We will show no clip before its time. 324 00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,283 It's time. 325 00:11:58,484 --> 00:11:59,517 (man on tv groans) (adam chuckles) 326 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:03,254 That happy father got punched in the pistachios 327 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,490 By a toddler for no reason! 328 00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:08,927 This show changes everything I know about funny. 329 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,028 (screams) 330 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:13,431 (laughs) are you sure about this? 331 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,101 I mean, you already got to beat barry up 332 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,535 In the backyard all afternoon. 333 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:20,305 Do you really need to humiliate him on national tv? 334 00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,174 One afternoon of hitting him with a stick doesn't make up 335 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,611 For a lifetime of waffle bellies and butt hats. 336 00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:29,481 By tomorrow, barry's bruises will have healed, 337 00:12:29,483 --> 00:12:32,016 But revenge like this stays forever. 338 00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,818 But at what price? 339 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,053 10 grand if I win. 340 00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,554 Yo! Ad-rock! 341 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:37,856 How's editing going? 342 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:38,890 Did you add in those fireballs 343 00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,492 And karate-chop sound effects like I asked? 344 00:12:40,494 --> 00:12:44,229 Oh, yeah! It was so good, I already shipped it off. 345 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,730 Without even showing it to me first? 346 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,767 I didn't have a choice. The deadline was tomorrow. 347 00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,435 Way to think ahead, man! 348 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,836 Once I get on american gladiators, 349 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,239 The meadowbrook mafia will bow down to my awesomeness 350 00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,441 And be forced to give us our parking lot back. 351 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,376 Sounds like an airtight plan. 352 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,712 (sighs) I know I don't say this a lot, but... 353 00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:02,547 You really are a good brother. 354 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,015 You really don't need to thank me. 355 00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,818 That's why I decided to get you a little something. 356 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,553 Here. 357 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:09,821 That's the first day we ever met. 358 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:13,158 Mom and dad said they were bringing me a gift back from the hospital, 359 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,927 And it turned out to be you. 360 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:19,564 You were the greatest gift I ever got. 361 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,966 Ooh. 362 00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:26,004 That's too nice for the circumstances. 363 00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,172 I'm gonna go hang out by the phone 364 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,840 And wait for the gladiators to call. 365 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,709 You're the best, ad-rock. 366 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,677 We need to get that tape back. 367 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,913 Adult adam: While I was determined to right my wrong, 368 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,281 My mom was determined to show erica 369 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,250 She was anything but a clueless housewife. 370 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:39,818 Erica: My god! 371 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,087 What horrible thing is happening in my house right now? 372 00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:43,688 Something glorious. 373 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:46,024 Your mother is going to single-handedly 374 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,058 Get the gipper re-elected. 375 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,328 You can't get reagan re-elected just to spite me. 376 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,196 Oh, I can, and I will. 377 00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,364 I will change the course of history 378 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,500 Just to show you how clue-ful I am. 379 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:59,637 So you'd turn this great country into a nightmarish hellscape 380 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:00,605 Just to prove a point? 381 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,540 Oh, yes, but it will be a magical land 382 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:06,578 Where president reagan gives every american free jelly beans, 383 00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:09,581 A world where sons just say no to drugs 384 00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:13,952 And daughters say yes to respecting their mothers. 385 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,486 You know, for the last two years, 386 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,356 All I've cared about is boys and clothes 387 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,324 And what my friends think. 388 00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:23,461 And for once, I got excited about something real. 389 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,263 I thought that I could make a difference 390 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,098 And get people to see the world like I do. 391 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:31,870 But you've proved that I can't even do that with my own mom. 392 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:32,537 So... 393 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,205 Thanks for ruining the only thing 394 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,040 I've cared about in a long time. 395 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:39,110 Adult adam: While my mom had realized just how much she hurt erica, 396 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:44,082 I was hoping pops could help me from hurting barry. 397 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,283 Oh, thank god. 398 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,484 How did it go at the post office? 399 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,453 Did you seduce the mail lady with your charms? 400 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,688 She was built like a steamer trunk. 401 00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,091 I'm not going out that way, kid. 402 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,259 What am I gonna do? 403 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,094 I've called bob saget a hundred times. 404 00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,295 His people are icing me out. 405 00:14:57,297 --> 00:15:00,465 I hate to say it, but I think you're gonna have to bite the bullet 406 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,433 And tell barry what you did. 407 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,268 I can't do that. 408 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,803 He's your brother. He'll understand. 409 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,071 I will murder your face! 410 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,774 Relax! There's no way bob saget will pick your tape. 411 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,776 All you did was get relentlessly hit 412 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,912 In the nose, head, face, testicles... 413 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,546 Oh, god. He is gonna pick it. 414 00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:18,516 That's it! You are no longer my favorite gift! 415 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,117 Aw, don't say that. 416 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,420 That honor now goes to the stilts I got for my birthday. 417 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,488 I can't believe you did this to me. 418 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:27,558 What did you expect? I was sick of getting dead-legged 419 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,960 And my belly waffled. 420 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:29,694 It really hurts. 421 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:32,430 And my skin doesn't bounce back the way it once did. 422 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,499 But beating you up is our thing! 423 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,501 How is violence upon me our thing? 424 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:40,138 That's how we bond! What else am I supposed to do? 425 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:40,772 Give you a hug? 426 00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,707 Yes! A hug would be nice! 427 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,842 A hug would feel good on my body! 428 00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:48,146 Nipple cripples are my way of showing you love, okay? 429 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:48,813 It's how I hug you. 430 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,982 But after this, I'm never beating you up again! 431 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:54,152 Oh, come on. You don't mean that. 432 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,787 Give me a nipple cripple. Never! 433 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:59,057 You'll never feel the painful sting of my touch again. 434 00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:02,694 Now, leave my room quietly and safely. 435 00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:09,467 And please... Watch your fingers! 436 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,303 Adult adam: Barry would never forgive me 437 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,940 For making a hilarious mockery of his gladiator audition, 438 00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,875 But I had a way to change that. 439 00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,377 What do you want? 440 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:19,978 Hey. 441 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,313 I know you're mad, and you deserve to be. 442 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:25,016 But there's something you need to see. 443 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:27,285 (tape plays) 444 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:30,455 Barry: (on tv) force! Force! Force! Yeah! 445 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,057 Pain! Pain! Pain! Yeah! 446 00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,826 Yeah! 447 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:37,428 (grunting) 448 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,030 Yeah! 449 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,531 No tennis ball can hurt me! 450 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,735 Bring it! (grunts) 451 00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:46,938 Ahhh! I feel nothing! 452 00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:48,072 Adam: Look how tough you are, man. 453 00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:50,308 If you could take an ass-kicking like this, 454 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,277 I know you can take a hundred ice-cream boops 455 00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:54,345 From those meadowbrook punks. 456 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:58,016 You think one video's gonna change the way I feel about you? 457 00:16:58,018 --> 00:16:59,150 No. 458 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,853 But you need to know how I feel about you. 459 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:02,453 You're the gift. 460 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,423 I could have ended up with any brother in the world, 461 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:10,028 But mine is loud and tough and emotionally unstable. 462 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:13,197 But I wouldn't have it any other way. 463 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:15,033 Get the jtp on the horn. 464 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,402 We got a wawa to conquer. 465 00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:20,505 Good heelwork, millstein-chang. 466 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:25,576 This is my sack now, just like this is my wawa. 467 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:28,780 Well, well. Somebody grew a pair. 468 00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:29,414 (chuckles) 469 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,049 Yo, dumb doug, give me your soft serve. 470 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,584 Okay, but you owe me 75 cent... 471 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,454 Looks like someone's cruisin' for a boopin'. 472 00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,790 I'm not afraid of you, bradley cooper. 473 00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:40,391 I'm not afraid of anything. 474 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,959 What are you gonna do with that, goldberg? 475 00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:45,463 Something I should have done a long time ago. 476 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,231 (baltimora's tarzan boy plays) 477 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,100 ¶ oh, oh, oh, oh 478 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,737 (yells) bring the pain! 479 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:53,504 Ahhh! 480 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,674 Adult adam: And bring the pain he did. 481 00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:57,208 Barry: Ahhh! 482 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,677 Adult adam: Barry booped, batted, and beat himself up pretty bad that day. 483 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:02,647 I...Am... Emotionally...Un...Stable! 484 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:03,714 He reclaimed the wawa 485 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,217 Using pure strength and unreasonable power. 486 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,151 Get out of here! Jtp! 487 00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:12,957 Yep, there was only one true american gladiator... Barry goldberg. 488 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,129 Hey, sweetie. 489 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,564 Debate's about to come on tv. 490 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:23,534 Pass. I'm going with lainey to the mall. 491 00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:25,369 I'm sorry, okay? 492 00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:27,905 I went overboard. 493 00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:28,306 (sighs) 494 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:32,343 Y-you know, parents always want their kids to look up to them, 495 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:34,011 But you've gotten so smart, 496 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:36,114 I'm the one who looks up to you. 497 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,483 I just wanted to make you proud. 498 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,650 You do make me proud. 499 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,886 And just because you don't share my opinion 500 00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,387 Doesn't mean you're wrong. 501 00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:45,423 Even though you are. 502 00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:48,593 Erica: That's right. I will raise taxes, 503 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:52,497 Because nothing is free, except this country... 504 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:56,234 The greatest country in the whole friggin' universe. 505 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,036 Adult adam: No one was prouder than beverly goldberg. 506 00:18:59,038 --> 00:18:59,937 Seeing erica on that stage, 507 00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:04,675 My mom knew there was no one else in the world she'd rather look up to. 508 00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:05,910 ¶ night to night 509 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,079 Adult adam: We never found out who mom voted for that year, 510 00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:12,650 But what we do know is she never needed a cheat sheet again. 511 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,852 Unfortunately, the real election 512 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,788 Didn't quite work out the way erica hoped. 513 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:18,556 Look at that. 514 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,424 Biggest landslide in us history. 515 00:19:20,426 --> 00:19:23,394 You were right. He should have lied about taxes. 516 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,631 All that work I put in, and it was for nothing. 517 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:30,301 You may have swayed somebody at the debate. 518 00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:33,037 Wait. I got you to vote for mondale? 519 00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:35,606 Tell me you voted for mondale! 520 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,207 ¶ jungle life 521 00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,442 ¶ you're far away from nothing 522 00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:40,111 Dude! It worked! 523 00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:41,412 We got the wawa back! 524 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,381 Well, glad I could help. 525 00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:44,949 Cool. 526 00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,084 Cool. (chuckles) 527 00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:50,388 ¶ oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ¶ 528 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:53,658 Adult adam: Yeah, every family shows their love in crazy ways. 529 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,195 Some brothers give noogies, wedgies, and waffle bellies, 530 00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:58,629 Ow! Stop! It was a sweet moment! 531 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:02,133 And some moms take "just say no" to embarrassing extremes. 532 00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:04,569 Stop showing me love! Too much love! (laughs) 533 00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:06,237 Sure, at the time, you wish they never happened, 534 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,940 But later, you look back and wish you could relive 535 00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:14,879 Each and every wonderfully painful moment one more time. 536 00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:20,051 Do you know what I want to talk about? 537 00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:24,689 Drugs... It's a ver... Very bad thing to...Deal with. 538 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,524 Here we have drugs. 539 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,292 (bell dings) 540 00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:31,162 This thing can totally destroy your mind. 541 00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:33,931 It's very bad for you! 542 00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,167 Drugs! Drugs! 543 00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:37,902 Drugs. 544 00:20:40,939 --> 00:20:44,442 Ahhh! He could be seriously hurt right now! 545 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,344 Why am I laughing? 546 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,312 Look at this jamoke! 547 00:20:48,314 --> 00:20:51,148 You don't swing-dance that close to a pool. 548 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,718 You got to be a real putz to get on this show. 549 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,821 Bob saget: (on tv) I'll bet by now you've chosen your favorite video, 550 00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:59,690 But not so fast, buster... And busterettes. 551 00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:00,691 You haven't seen this one. 552 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,693 Barry: (on tv) stop! Hey! That's too much! 553 00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:03,761 (lisping) I'm biting my tongue! 554 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,596 Ow! My back! Please stop! 555 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:09,300 Ahhh! I wasn't ready! (groans) 556 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,668 Is that... Oh, my god! 557 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:14,105 I need to record this! How do I record this? Barry: Adam! 558 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:18,009 I'm gonna show you I love you so hard right now! 559 00:21:18,011 --> 00:21:18,809 Ohhh! (laughs) 560 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:22,146 Look! Our baby's on tv! 561 00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:25,616 (laughs) ohhh! I hope we win money.