1 00:00:00,301 --> 00:00:01,934 ADULT ADAM: Long before online dating, 2 00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:05,004 single people bared their souls on videotape, 3 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:07,373 and this is what it actually looked like. 4 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,140 Hi. I'm Maurice. 5 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,976 I'm an executive by day and a wild man by night. 6 00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:13,212 I'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo 7 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:14,747 if you're not afraid to let the wind 8 00:00:14,749 --> 00:00:16,148 mess your hair up a little bit when I take the top down. 9 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:20,853 ADULT ADAM: And video dating had finally hit the suburbs of Philly. 10 00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:21,854 Excuse me, ladies. 11 00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:24,623 How would you like to meet the man of your dreams? 12 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:25,958 Ew. You're really old. 13 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:26,692 Ouch. (CHUCKLES) 14 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:30,929 But, no, I'm talking about the romantic wave of the future, 15 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,364 video dating. 16 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,832 It's a real business. 17 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:36,502 Using our advanced VHS technology 18 00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,971 and a one-time fee of $399, 19 00:00:38,973 --> 00:00:42,041 followed by lifetime monthly fees of only $19.99, 20 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,276 anyone can now find love. 21 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:48,147 So, which of you lonely hearts is looking for Mr. Right? 22 00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:51,150 Well, I'm not, but... (CLEARS THROAT) 23 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,052 I am not a sad-sack loser. 24 00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:55,788 I choose to be alone, and it's the best. 25 00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:57,689 It is the best, isn't it? (CHUCKLES) 26 00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:59,558 Well, that's too bad because for a limited time, 27 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,428 anyone that joins the VD community 28 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,263 gets a free tote bag for just $12.99. 29 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:08,400 I am not carrying around a bag that says, "I heart VD." 30 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,101 My God. 31 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:12,538 Wait, I have the perfect customer for you, my dad. 32 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,873 He's totally ready to get back out there. 33 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:15,507 Hell, no! 34 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:18,177 Why would I ever do video dating? I'm living the dream. 35 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,345 It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in your robe. 36 00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:23,916 So? A robe is just a long jacket made of towel. 37 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:24,983 Lots of people wear these. 38 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,051 Not to other people's homes. 39 00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,087 In this house, we keep it loose. 40 00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,522 Dad, it's been four years since Mom left. 41 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,723 Isn't it time you got set up with someone? 42 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,526 Set up? Did somebody say "set up"? Who am I setting up? 43 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,695 No, stop. We don't need your help. 44 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:38,197 Bill's gonna do video dating. 45 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,599 Video dating? (CHUCKLES) 46 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,234 (ROBOTIC VOICE) Beep, boop, bop, zorp. 47 00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,870 Beep, boop, bop. I will find you love. 48 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:48,240 Sorry, but, uh, your way of matchmaking is a thing of the past. 49 00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,943 (NORMAL VOICE) Please. I am literally responsible 50 00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:53,345 for setting up over 200 couples, 51 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:55,380 which means I'm personally responsible 52 00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:56,815 for over 62,000 babies. 53 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,217 Yeah, that's not real math. 54 00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,718 Bill, would you rather put your heart 55 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,553 in the hands of a proven love champion 56 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:05,591 or risk everything with someone whose romantic record is a little spotty? 57 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,392 Honestly, I'd rather not do either. 58 00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,094 Hey, my record is not spotty. 59 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,497 And I'm, like, the best ever at love. 60 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:12,131 Yeah, not so much. 61 00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,399 And when you think about it, you've only had one boyfriend, 62 00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:15,400 and that was two years ago. 63 00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,736 Right, Dante. What a character. 64 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,138 His name wasn't Dante. 65 00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:19,938 He had that small hand. 66 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:23,575 Who are you thinking of? And I'm alone by choice. 67 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,042 Ha! Please. 68 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:26,912 You only liked Geoff after he wanted nothing to do with you. 69 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,548 Oh, yeah? Well, I'll show you friggin' jerkuses 70 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,283 how friggin' great I am at friggin' love 71 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,085 when your dad's walking down the friggin' aisle. 72 00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:37,022 See, you don't even know that men don't walk down the aisle! 73 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,991 Gah! Bill, get out of your bath clothes! 74 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:41,426 I'm finding you love again. Okay. 75 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,194 Oh! My bad! 76 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,730 (GRUNTS) I'll get... Ohh, my back! 77 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,365 Don't worry, pal. I gotcha. 78 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,767 No, no, Bruce Lee style. Hyah! 79 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:49,301 Hyah! Hoo-hyah! 80 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,136 Beverly, I'm gonna need a warm towel. 81 00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:54,173 Oh, it's traveling! It's moving south! Aah! 82 00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:54,973 Good luck, Schmoops. 83 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:58,810 Get the small boy. Have the small boy stand on me. 84 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:15,027 ADULT ADAM: It was September 28, 1980-something, 85 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:17,629 the day of the career aptitude test. 86 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,998 Done! Now all I got to do is sit back 87 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,534 and let this test decide my entire future. 88 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,235 Got any predictions? 89 00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,770 It'll either make me an NFL punter, 90 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,372 motorcycle detective, or land pirate. 91 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,409 Bookkeeper? I don't want to be a librarian! 92 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:33,579 Bookkeeper's not a librarian, you moron. 93 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:34,780 It's more like an accountant. 94 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,182 Why didn't I get an awesome job like boat owner 95 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,017 or rap mogul or neighborhood oracle? 96 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:42,054 What the hell's an oracle? A guy who sees the future. 97 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:42,921 I can see your future. 98 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,223 You're mowing lawns for the city. 99 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,658 Never! I will be a rich neighborhood oracle, 100 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,560 and nothing you say can stop me. 101 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,595 (TOY SQUEAKS) Ow! 102 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:50,696 Couldn't predict that, could you? 103 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,165 ADULT ADAM: As Barry was having trouble seeing the future, 104 00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:56,034 Erica was trying to find Bill his future wife. 105 00:03:56,036 --> 00:04:00,539 Trust me, Mr. Lewis, your romantic future starts now. 106 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,875 And to my doubters, you can go on down to Sears 107 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,811 and buy a vacuum so you can suck it. 108 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,180 Yes, Bill, there's no better place to find love 109 00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:09,414 than next to Lady Foot Locker. 110 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:13,352 Put her there, Bill. John Calabasas, love doctor. 111 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,353 No medical degree. 112 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,954 I'm legally required to say that now. 113 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,322 Bill, I want to show you something. 114 00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:21,159 This is a videotape of one of our biggest success stories, 115 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,228 and this could be you. 116 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,633 Why, hello, there. The name's Big Al. 117 00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:31,436 And like a fine wine, I just keep getting better with age. 118 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,473 My God. That's why he's been out every night this month. 119 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:38,143 So... (CLICKS TONGUE) Let's have some fun. 120 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:40,746 Boom! And that's how love is made. 121 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,015 I don't know, Erica. Maybe your mom's right about all this. 122 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:45,617 Your friend makes a good point about me being right, Erica. 123 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,185 Yeah, normally, I just go with the flow, 124 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,353 but I'm starting to take sides here, too. 125 00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:51,056 Everyone stop talking. Trust me, Mr. Lewis. 126 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,592 I know love and romance. It's my jam. 127 00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:54,793 So let's just give it a shot. 128 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,829 And three, two, one, get some! 129 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:01,066 Hi. this is Bill Lewis of Bill Lewis Flooring and Tile. 130 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,968 I'm looking for a nice, clean lady 131 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,470 to spend my days with. 132 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:06,805 It used to be my wife. 133 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,041 Oh, no. Man, she was pretty. 134 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:09,641 Smelled nice. 135 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,877 Tight, little body from all the Jane Fonda. 136 00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:14,446 Son of a bitch, Billy Boy! You had it all! 137 00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:15,747 No. Daddy? 138 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,783 One day she just walked out on me. 139 00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:21,586 All she left behind was this single leg warmer. 140 00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,155 I wear it on my arm to keep her close. 141 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,556 Not good. Hard to watch. 142 00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:27,592 Dang it, I miss you so much, pookie! 143 00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,995 (SNIFFLES) So, so much! 144 00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,130 Also, you must be stacked. 145 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,165 I'm so, so sorry. 146 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,067 Okay, cut. Great. I think we got it. 147 00:05:35,069 --> 00:05:35,834 I don't think you did. 148 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,036 ADULT ADAM: As Erica's matchmaking was stalling out, 149 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:41,373 Barry's career planning was just revving up. 150 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,074 Corporate leader? 151 00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:44,943 I know, right? Evy told me what bubbles to fill in, 152 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:45,911 and now I'm gonna be a CEO. 153 00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:47,279 She says I'm a natural leader. 154 00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:48,513 Sit up straight. Yes, my love. 155 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:51,717 BARRY: This is bull crap! There's no practical job that will ever meet 156 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,219 Barry's three criteria for career awesomeness. 157 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:57,422 One, a position of unchallenged authority. 158 00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:59,091 You're stretching all wrong, Matt Raymer. 159 00:05:59,093 --> 00:06:01,360 I want you to drop into a lunge right here. 160 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:02,561 That's the quad. Work the quad. 161 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,229 That is the engine room of the body. 162 00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,231 Two... No desk or formal pants. 163 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:09,000 This is where games are won or lost. 164 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,902 There you go. What are you looking at me for? 165 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:14,139 And three... It requires athletic skill 166 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,141 and physical intimidation. 167 00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,577 You call that a chest pass, Luke Schmidt? 168 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,445 Run laps till you see God. 169 00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:22,414 Shake a leg. (WHISTLE BLOWS) 170 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:23,448 ADULT ADAM: In that moment, 171 00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,550 my brother finally knew what his future would hold, 172 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,553 kickballs, tube socks, and a shiny whistle. 173 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,022 Coach, I want to be your athletic apprentice 174 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:32,758 so that one day I can take your place 175 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,893 when you climb that big rope into the sky. 176 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,629 Ah, I see. Goofing on old Coach, huh? 177 00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:38,697 Well, we'll see who's laughing 178 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:41,166 after you do 3,000 squat thrusts. 179 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,768 No, I'm serious. 180 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,569 I want to teach gym, sir. 181 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:48,073 My God. It's finally happening. 182 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,341 I'm gonna be a mentor. 183 00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:52,144 Are you crying? My eyes are just celebrating. 184 00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:54,513 Here. Take this. 185 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,081 Training begins now! 186 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:56,748 (AIR BLOWS) 187 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,317 Damn it, I broke it! Why do I have such powerful lungs? 188 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:00,886 No, it's a training whistle. 189 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,688 You'll get the tiny, little ball that makes it work 190 00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:05,891 when you're ready. When will that be? 191 00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:06,925 Coach will know. 192 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,729 Now let the physical education education begin. 193 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,799 First up, drink this mix of celery and cod. 194 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,634 Glug hard, boy. Glug hard. 195 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,470 ADULT ADAM: While Barry hit a home run with his new career, 196 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,739 Erica was striking out at matchmaking. 197 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:23,141 Swing and a miss. Bill struck out. 198 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,510 Not one response to his video. 199 00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:26,211 How is that possible? 200 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:28,580 Honestly, I've never seen such a negative reaction, 201 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,650 and a lot of my clients are just me in different costumes. 202 00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,885 There has to be someone for Bill. 203 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,288 This thing guarantees a match. 204 00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:39,858 No, it says it "Gurantees a match." 205 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:40,959 And that's not a real word, 206 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,627 so it's not a legally binding contract. 207 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,763 Don't make me leave empty-handed. 208 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,299 Please, I need to find someone. 209 00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:48,900 Erica? 210 00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:50,802 Oh, hi, guys. What you doing? 211 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,438 Geoff put some charm jewelry on layaway. 212 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,673 What are you doing? 213 00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:55,740 Are you video-dating? 214 00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:56,641 What? No, no, no. 215 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:59,678 I'm only here to help set up my best friend's dad. 216 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,979 I know when I say that out loud, 217 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,682 it doesn't sound great or real, but it's both. 218 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:08,453 Well, best of luck with whatever this is. 219 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:11,656 (JOHN SIGHS) 220 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,859 Gross. Young love. 221 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,962 Look, I need to find Bill someone. 222 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,630 It's how I'm gonna prove that I'm good at this. 223 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:21,266 With the tape Bill made? Not a chance. 224 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,034 Well, then I'll make a better one. 225 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,303 And I've got just the person to help. 226 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:28,139 Nerd, I need you to make an awesome video for Lainey's dad. 227 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,509 Holy balls! My first professional paid gig! 228 00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:33,445 I'm not paying you. Still a professional gig, though. 229 00:08:33,447 --> 00:08:35,547 It's really not. I see it now. 230 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:36,848 We open on a time portal 231 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:40,519 as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth. 232 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,288 He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator. 233 00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,156 Yeah, no nudity or time travel. 234 00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,193 Just make Mr. Lewis look cool, you know, macho. 235 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:51,596 We're making a picture! An Adam F. Goldberg joint. 236 00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:52,297 What's with the "F"? 237 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,599 There's another Adam Goldberg at school. 238 00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:55,433 He's super-sensitive. 239 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,302 I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion. 240 00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,004 Don't worry about it. No one cares about either of you. 241 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:02,941 ADULT ADAM: But I wasn't the only one landing a gig 242 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,776 in my chosen profession. 243 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:05,510 (AIR BLOWS) 244 00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:08,480 That looks broke. Let me fix that. 245 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:11,516 Hey, I was practicing my tooting skills. 246 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,351 Coach said the whistle is the foundation 247 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:15,153 from which the gymnasium arts were built. 248 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,721 You're just gonna sit here and let him do this. 249 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:20,258 It was nice and quiet. He said it was for school. 250 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,026 It is! 251 00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,328 I've finally decided on a career path. 252 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,830 I'm gonna be a P.E. teacher. 253 00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:26,364 Oh, my. 254 00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,800 Dad, you're right. It's time I find my place in society. 255 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:31,870 And what could impact society more than me teaching youth 256 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:34,906 how to do light exercise and parachute games? 257 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,909 I fully support you 100%. 258 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:38,643 Seriously? Dude! 259 00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,146 I thought you were gonna stomp on this dream like all the others. 260 00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:42,614 Nah, it's too good. It is. 261 00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,649 In fact, I'm gonna go grab some shut-eye. 262 00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:45,283 It's 6:30. 263 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,320 I'm waking up at dawn. Me and Coach are going on a 12-mile jog, 264 00:09:48,322 --> 00:09:50,422 then we're powering down a classic English breakfast. 265 00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,757 Why? He likes to start each morning 266 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,259 with 5,000 to 6,000 calories, 267 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,994 bangers and mash, kippers, kidneys, 268 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,897 boiled and fried potatoes, black and white pudding, 269 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:01,466 three kinds of meats. His mom's British. 270 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:02,200 Seems like a lot. 271 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,469 She's a handful, but I like her. (CHUCKLES) 272 00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,071 Anyway, off to bed. 273 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:06,905 I don't understand, Mur. 274 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:11,242 Are you actually okay with your son being a gym coach? 275 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,010 Just like everything else, 276 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,713 the kid will move on to the next stupid dream of his. 277 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:15,714 And what if he doesn't? 278 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,082 Believe me, he ain't getting up 279 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:20,585 at 5:00 in the morning to move his body. We're golden. 280 00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:23,288 Dig deep. Imagine a jaguar's chasing you. 281 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,022 Let's go. 282 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:27,425 I'm miserable, but happier than I've ever been. 283 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:29,327 Oh! (BLEEP) 284 00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:35,834 ADULT ADAM: It was the day of the big premiere of a dating video. 285 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,636 But, hey, it was still a premiere. 286 00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:40,338 Before I begin, I have a few words to say. 287 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:44,209 Webster's Dictionary defines "masterpiece" as... 288 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,243 Press "play." 289 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,277 Okay, without further ado, 290 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:53,284 I present to you Bill Lewis, as requested, a real macho man. 291 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:12,671 Hi. I'm Bill Lewis. 292 00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,906 And I like to dance, get sweaty, and have some fun. 293 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,175 I'm ship shape and ready for love. 294 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,044 Hey, let's build a relationship. 295 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,514 You have the right to fall in love 296 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:26,718 with Bill Lewis of Bill Lewis Tile and Flooring. 297 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,686 Hey, what are you doing? 298 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:29,287 Destroying this and starting over. 299 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:33,324 But I gave you exactly what you asked for, macho. 300 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,060 Your dad was a shirtless cowboy, 301 00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:38,196 a sweaty cop, a leather-clad biker. 302 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:38,763 Oh, I see it now. 303 00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:41,366 Erica, it's time to hand me the reins. 304 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,568 This is the job for the Yentadex. 305 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:44,636 What the hell is that? 306 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:46,237 Every yenta has a Rolodex 307 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:49,274 filled with perfect matches for everyone they know. 308 00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:50,709 So buckle up, Bill. 309 00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,477 You're about to go on the ride of your life. 310 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,313 No, there will be no buckling. I'm handling this. 311 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:58,149 Okay, I appreciate everyone's help, 312 00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,418 but I'm shutting this down. I'm just... 313 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,620 I'm not over my wife. 314 00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,390 We all get one true love, and she was mine. 315 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,959 There is no way you only get one soul mate in life 316 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,728 because he's in love with someone else, 317 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,196 and then I'm gonna be alone forever, 318 00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:14,132 and I'm not gonna let that happen to you, Bill! 319 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:18,002 Wow. She's a passionate young lady. 320 00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,170 Got most of her facts wrong, 321 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,573 but her heart's in the right place. 322 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:24,142 Hey, guys, I really need your help. 323 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,010 Each of you grab a leg and push. 324 00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:29,714 I ate nine bananas, but I'm still cramping up something nasty. 325 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,616 Damn it, you ate all my bananas? 326 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,685 I'm in real athletic pain! 327 00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:34,152 Sit, Al. 328 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,255 Nobody is touching those legs in those tiny shorts. 329 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,091 These are official coaching bottoms. 330 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,826 Sure, they cinch up the bathing-suit area, 331 00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,695 but Coach says I'll eventually reach 332 00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:45,263 a healthy level of crotchular numbness. 333 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,866 For the love of God, take 'em off! 334 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,000 You'll never have kids. 335 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,169 Gym teachers don't have kids. 336 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,105 Their kids are the students they teach. 337 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,874 All right, enough with this gym crap. 338 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,710 Sit down. Clash of the Titans is on. 339 00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:00,678 They've got oracles. You love oracles. 340 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,449 Eh, seers and wizards don't fit into my new, healthy lifestyle. 341 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,984 I'm gonna go blend up a power shake. 342 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:09,754 So much fiber. The body really is an amazing organ. 343 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,823 One point, two points, three points. 344 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,025 (CHUCKLES) Four points, Barry. 345 00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,127 What imaginary game is he playing? 346 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:16,961 There's no way to know. 347 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,830 I mean, of all his farkakte dreams, 348 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:21,065 this is the one he's going with. 349 00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,167 This is a nightmare. 350 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,601 Do something! 351 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,270 I will! 352 00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,472 Thanks for sitting down with me, Rick. 353 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,407 Anything for my protege's old man. 354 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,476 In a way, it's like we're married. 355 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,611 Yeah, that's gonna make this easier. 356 00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,947 Uh, thing is, Barry's not gonna be a gym teacher. 357 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:39,317 What's that now? I think that Woody Allen said it best. 358 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,753 (IMITATING WOODY ALLEN) "Those that can't do, teach. 359 00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:45,056 "And those that can't teach, teach gym." 360 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:45,990 How dare you. 361 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,159 You call that a Woody Allen impression? 362 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:51,696 (IMITATING WOODY ALLEN) This is a Woody Allen impression. 363 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,731 That's exactly what I'm doing. 364 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,301 You got to stammer like...like this. 365 00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:57,168 Use your hands more. 366 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,370 (NORMAL VOICE) Forget Woody! Here's the deal... 367 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:02,040 No more physical education education! 368 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,374 (NORMAL VOICE) Seems to me you're implying 369 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,643 that being a gym coach isn't good enough. 370 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,746 No, I think what you do is amazing. 371 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:09,480 Just not for my son. 372 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:10,982 You've seen your life. You get it. 373 00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:14,252 Well, he may be your son, but he's my gym son. 374 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,087 That's not a thing. Oh, it is. 375 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:17,155 There's no such thing. 376 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:18,723 There's no greater bond in the world 377 00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:21,559 than between a coach and his boy protege. 378 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,062 I think except for the bond 379 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,064 between a dad and his actual boy. 380 00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,665 Well, may the best father win. 381 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,667 Well, that's me. I'm his father. 382 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,169 And I'm his coach-father. 383 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:31,903 We're done here. 384 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:34,072 ADULT ADAM: And so began the war over Barry's future. 385 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:36,507 Meanwhile, my sister was so shaken by Bill's words 386 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:39,677 that she turned her matchmaking skills on herself. 387 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,480 Hi. I'm Erica. I'm not desperate or anything. 388 00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:44,782 I just want to make sure that I don't miss my one chance 389 00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:47,085 to have a happy life with Geoff. 390 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,520 Can I start over? 391 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:52,323 Webster defines "love" as... Nope. 392 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,091 (BLUBBERING) 393 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,760 Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff. Okay. 394 00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,061 I think I got it out of my system, 395 00:14:57,063 --> 00:15:00,298 so let's Geoff this one more time. 396 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,133 I mean, look at this photo of Evy. 397 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,368 Are you freaking kidding me? 398 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:04,435 (CRYING) He's gonna be an eye doctor 399 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,504 because he's gonna follow in his dad's footsteps. 400 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:10,208 It's a safe career, but we would have had a beautiful home. 401 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,711 I'm sorry. I shouldn't be crying. 402 00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,314 This is bad. 403 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,348 I don't know who this Geoff guy is, 404 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,784 but I think he may have dodged a bullet. 405 00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,487 All right, ladies and actual ladies, 406 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:25,790 it's time to pick captains for today's game, 407 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,091 which would be... 408 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,093 It's your class, Coach. Your call. 409 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,028 Not today. 410 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,363 I want you to take this little cork ball 411 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,832 and jam it into your whistle, 412 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:35,266 Coach. 413 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,202 Physical education education just got real. 414 00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,872 You mean I'm ready? Damn right you're ready. 415 00:15:40,874 --> 00:15:41,973 This is your class now. 416 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,342 Today their fate is in your hands. 417 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,411 Name your game. Anything? 418 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,045 Even crab soccer? 419 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:49,347 You can crab any sport you like, son. (ALL GASP) 420 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:52,016 He who holds the whistle makes the laws. 421 00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:53,818 You heard Coach Tasty. 422 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,286 Crab formation now! 423 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:55,887 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 424 00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:58,923 ADULT ADAM: That day, Barry invented crab hockey. 425 00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,792 As a gym coach, he was a natural. 426 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,794 Show me some hustle! (BLOWS WHISTLE) 427 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:06,864 Second place is the first place of losers. 428 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:11,970 "Winning" spelled backwards is "gninniw." 429 00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:15,206 It's never okay to put butter on a donut! 430 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:18,209 Champions are losers who forgot to give up! 431 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:23,848 Sweat is the body's tears crying away the weakness! 432 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,950 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 433 00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,388 It doesn't fit! 434 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:31,255 This game doesn't make any sense! 435 00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:33,157 Some things aren't meant to be crabbed! 436 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:36,828 Then run laps, Atkins! Now! 437 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,296 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 438 00:16:38,932 --> 00:16:39,530 How'd it feel, son? 439 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:43,401 I'll never forget this moment, Coach, as long as I live. 440 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:47,438 Hey, Bar, look what I got for you at Spencer's Gifts. 441 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,806 Is that a crystal ball? 442 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,676 Just like the real professional oracles use. 443 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,078 That's what you want to be when you grow up, isn't it? 444 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,348 It is! See you around, Coach. 445 00:16:57,751 --> 00:16:59,584 What just happened? Well, Coach... 446 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,520 I'll put it in terms you can understand. You lost. 447 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,188 But I gave him a whistle ball. 448 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,790 And I gave him a better ball. 449 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,825 Don't sweat it. You'll find another gym son. 450 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:12,096 No, for once, someone really looked up to me... 451 00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:13,564 What I do, who I am. 452 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:16,768 And you took it away with a trip to the toy store. 453 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:20,338 I hope you feel good about yourself. 454 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,810 It hurts when you put your tongue to it. 455 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,948 ADULT ADAM: Convinced she was facing a loveless life alone, 456 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,153 my sister was desperate to find out her future. 457 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,054 Very desperate. 458 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:40,124 Hey, um, gonna be honest here. 459 00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:41,159 I'm struggling real bad, 460 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,261 and I heard that Dad bought you a crystal ball. 461 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:46,064 I've been expecting you, my lost child. 462 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:48,733 To be clear, I know this is ridiculous and not real. 463 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,935 I just need to hear something encouraging. 464 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:53,771 I've been expecting you, my lost child. 465 00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:56,808 Stop talking like that and tell me I'll have a boyfriend one day. 466 00:17:56,810 --> 00:17:58,943 I've been expecting you, my lost child. 467 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:01,446 I hate you. Then take my hand... 468 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:05,483 ...and let's journey into tomorrow and beyond. 469 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:06,751 (SIGHS) AL: Come on, Mur. 470 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:10,254 Are you sure this is better than gym coach? 471 00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,659 From way downtown! Bang! 472 00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:18,196 (SIGHS) I got a hole in my heart. 473 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,031 Hey. 474 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:21,632 Is everything okay in here? 475 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,201 What do you care, dream crusher? 476 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,837 About the other day... I feel bad. 477 00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,573 I shouldn't have said that what you do isn't good enough. 478 00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,374 What do you feel bad for? 479 00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:31,142 Just telling the truth. 480 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,011 Look, if Barry wants to have a career like yours, 481 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,113 I won't stand in the way. 482 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,715 What about his new life as a boy-witch? 483 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,050 That's not gonna last. 484 00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,885 Hey, you were the only one 485 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,687 who made him take his future seriously. 486 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:46,457 Yeah, well, I guess that's what a halfway decent coach does. 487 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,827 More than a coach. Gym dad. 488 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,363 Damn you, Goldbergs. 489 00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:56,534 (VOICE BREAKING) You always know how to hit me in my biggest muscle... 490 00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,436 My heart. 491 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,005 (SIGHS) Although my... 492 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,406 My biceps are nuts, huh? 493 00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:05,877 ADULT ADAM: It wasn't up to my dad to decide Barry's future. 494 00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:09,347 But Erica was hoping my mom knew hers. 495 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,381 Wow. 496 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:13,217 You swore you'd never look in my Yentadex. 497 00:19:13,219 --> 00:19:14,752 You were right. 498 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,721 I'm, like, really bad at love. 499 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,756 Trust me. You're not. 500 00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:22,093 I just wish I didn't blow it with Geoff. 501 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,464 It really hurts, you know? 502 00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:29,600 (VOICE BREAKING) It just... It hurts. 503 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:37,642 But you'll find the right guy when the timing is right. 504 00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:43,181 ADULT ADAM: That day, my sister realized there were no easy answers 505 00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:46,684 when it comes to who you're supposed to be with. 506 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,754 Even though my mom knew otherwise. 507 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,023 ADULT ADAM: Truth is when you're a kid, 508 00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,991 the future is always uncertain. (WHISTLE BLOWS) 509 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,931 There's no crystal ball that can give you the answer. 510 00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,436 I thought you might want this back. 511 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,305 No, keep it. 512 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,141 Maybe you need a hand putting away those hockey sticks? 513 00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:13,544 Eh, you run along. I got this. 514 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:17,782 ADULT ADAM: But with the right people in your corner supporting you, 515 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:21,986 you'll always come out a winner in the end. 516 00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,992 (BELL DINGS) 517 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,233 (BELL DINGS) 518 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,768 (CHEERING) 519 00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:43,441 Mr. Lewis? Hello! 520 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:46,711 The sun's out. Where's your day robe and your overall bummer vibe? 521 00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:49,146 Well, I guess all this dating talk got me thinking 522 00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:50,948 maybe I am ready to give love another shot. 523 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:54,218 Well, unfortunately, Mom's not here, and she hides her Yentadex. 524 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,355 But perhaps I can help. Come, my child. 525 00:20:57,357 --> 00:21:00,124 I see a beautiful, bubbly blonde. 526 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,393 She loves shorts and the beach. 527 00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,362 Oh, yeah, I like where this is going. 528 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,463 And she has a friend. 529 00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:07,932 There's two girls? Yes, three is company. 530 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,033 Hot damn. When do I get to meet 'em? 531 00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,602 All you got to do is knock on their door. 532 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,170 I do? They've been waiting for you. 533 00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:16,040 It's Three's Company, Bill. It's a popular TV show. 534 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:19,343 He forgets what he watches, and he thinks it's the future. 535 00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:20,011 All right! Forget that! 536 00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:22,280 Let me clear my mind and start over. 537 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:23,748 I see you and a woman. 538 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:27,551 One of you is the boss. But who is the boss? 539 00:21:27,553 --> 00:21:28,619 (GLASS BREAKS) 540 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,955 I actually saw that coming.