ADULT ADAM: Back in the day, a lot could be said about my crazy family.
The one thing that couldn't be denied was that we were bad drivers.
But, despite the highway havoc that we wreaked
and the fender benders that followed us wherever we went,
no one was more psyched to get behind the wheel than my brother, Barry.
When he turned 16, he couldn't wait to hit the open road
and never look back. (BOX JINGLES)
It's jingling. It's keys!
Until my mom put the brakes on his automotive dreams.
What the hell is this?
It's a locket.
It's got my picture inside
so you can always have your mother near your heart.
And so, when I turned 16,
my mom's gift to me was hardly a surprise.
(BOX JINGLES)
It's jingling. Jingling means keys.
It was the sterling-silver Mom locket that all the Goldberg boys got.
I put my picture in there
so you can always have your mama near your heart.
Yes! He got the worst gift, too.
I love it. Thank you, Mama.
Wait. That's your reaction?
You get a garbage locket of Mom instead of a car, and you appreciate it?
Yeah, I'm good with not getting a car.
Or driving in general. You get it.
No! I don't get it at all!
I've got no sense of direction,
I have bad depth perception due to my lazy eye,
and I'm easily startled by birds.
So you're just not gonna drive?
Yeah, I'm not so much a driver
as the guy who sits behind the driver in the backseat.
You mean a rich guy? Exactly.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have play practice.
Father, go fetch your driving pants,
which are just regular pants you refuse to wear.
ADULT ADAM: Refusing to drive baffled my whole family,
but no one more than Barry.
Back when he got his license,
the dude trademarked his own dance.
* Yeah, that's right
* Barry's driving Who's in charge?
* I'm in charge That's right, uh-huh
* Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Unreal. I raised a moron.
ADULT ADAM: But, lucky for me, I got the perfect birthday present that year...
The gift of never driving.
Stop it. My scrumptious little baby-man
does not have to learn to drive until he's absolutely ready.
That's a no! Victory-dance time!
* Mm-mm-mm
* Uh-uh-uh-uh, yeah
* That's right I'm not driving *
Hey! Stop copying my driving dance!
I'm not. It's the not-driving dance.
There's no such thing!
I'm raising complete morons.
It's getting hard to argue.
It's like this. No, it's like this.
If you're gonna copy me, at least do it the right way.
It's my own thing, dude. Face it, this dance is mine.
**
* I'm twisted up inside
* But nonetheless I feel the need to say
* I don't know the future
* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *
ADULT ADAM: It was November 29, 1980-something.
The college fair was in full swing,
and my sister wanted no part of it.
Ugh, look at all these bozos and their lame clubs.
The whole point of going to college is to be left alone.
I thought it was more, like, to learn and grow
and make lifelong friendships.
Meh. I've got enough friends. Do you?
Hey, either of you interested in Ultimate Frisbee?
Are you interested in picking a sport with a ball?
Maybe you should join a club
for freshmen who hate everything.
Great. Where's that table?
Seriously, you're a total downer.
You, like, pooh-pooh everything.
I don't, like, pooh-pooh everything.
Just offer me something cool, and I'm there.
Looking for something cool, eh?
Lucky for you, your RA Srini has the answer, ladies.
Karaoke and togas? Pass.
I see. Well, if you change your mind,
feel free to drop by and RSVP.
Here's my RSVP. Pbht!
Guess that's an RSVP for just one, then.
Wait, you're going? Why?
'Cause it sounds fun, and, unlike you, I, like, like fun.
I, like, like fun, too!
You should've seen me in high school. I was, like, the funnest.
Ow!
Hey, isn't there some weird field that you can play in?
Hi, Craig.
**
Gah! Barry?
Hey, I drank all your 5 Alive.
What are you doing here?
Hello?
It's my college tour! I told you like 10 times!
I knew that, silly.
I just lost track of the days
with all the awesome parties and whatnot.
There's so many parties.
Which are all totally real,
because I am killing it here. (CHUCKLES)
Dude, this weekend is gonna be the stuff of legend!
So, where's the first rager at?
ADULT ADAM: But Erica only knew of one,
that she already passed on.
Srini! Nice toga, my man!
I changed my mind about your kareoga thing.
Did you, now?
See, my brother's here, and I kinda told him that I'm the queen of college,
so you can see why I now have a sudden interest in your crappy party.
Just party. Not crappy.
That is the single worst RSVP ever. And it's been declined.
What? You can't decline!
You're my RA. You have to include me.
Farewell.
So that's a yes?
ADULT ADAM: As Erica was realizing she'd driven everyone away,
my dad was trying to get me to drive.
I... Hey! My BurgerTime!
Okay, moron.
Lose the disturbing "Mom" necklace,
take these keys. (KEYS JINGLE)
I'm teaching you how to drive.
Ooh. I'd love to, but the ol' ball n' chain
says I'll learn when I'm ready, know what I'm sayin'?
I say you're ready right now.
But what about all the horrible things
Mom says will happen if I don't drive good?
What horrible things? I could get a stop sign through the heart!
Or a guard rail through the heart!
Or a mailbox through the heart!
Why are all these things going through your heart? That's not even possible.
Tell that to Mom's friend Sheila's nephew.
He was driving at dangerous speeds,
and he flipped his car and got a mailbox...
Okay, you gotta stop listening
to these crazy things your mom tells you.
So rabid pigeons won't peck my eyes out through the sunroof?
What is it with you and birds anyway?
They're just so cocky.
So what if they can fly? I can do stuff, too.
Like driving?
I bet you that would really make the birdies jealous.
Yeah, right. Like birds know what a car is.
Get in the car!
ADULT ADAM: With that, my dad left me with no choice but to drive.
The only problem was, I'd have to get in the car first.
I... I can't do it.
You can and you will. Get in!
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
My son's a moron! Can't you see?
Go around!
He's a moron! Go around!
Mom said I don't have to drive!
Well, I say you do. Get in. No!
Get in! No!
Get in! Get in! No! No!
Get in! Get in! Get in! No! No! No!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
See, what'd I tell ya? Nothing bad's gonna happen.
Aah!
(PANTING)
Just remember, I was good with the locket.
ADULT ADAM: As I drove for the last time,
Barry was gearing up for his first college rager.
So? Are we ready to rock or what?
Um, turns out that party is super lame,
but I'm gonna find us something super college-y and great for us.
Say no more. I'll ask around and find the fun.
What? How are you gonna do that?
With this here bag of college!
Bag of wha? College!
In it is everything you need to kick ass here.
**
Jean shorts.
Tie-dye poncho.
Trick dog with leash. Rasta hat.
Fake $100 bill, attached to a quarter mile of string.
Foam hand. Sacks to hacky.
Stunt kite. Oyster crackers.
Unicycle! A Snoopy snow-cone machine!
Boomerang!
Pogo stick. Devil sticks.
Drum sticks. Chopsticks.
Beef sticks. Pickup sticks. A stick I found.
Okay, stop. This bag of crap will not help you.
Trust me, all you need to do is put yourself out there
to show the other attractive party-minded boys and girls
that you mean business.
Dude, that is not how college works.
ADULT ADAM: That is, unless you have sweet dreads and an invisible dog.
(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Check it out, mons and lady mons.
My dog be jammin'!
Hey, uh, I already told you, put this crap away
before you embarrass yourself or worse, me.
Look! His dog is invisible.
His name's Butterscotch.
He's part Beagle and part not real.
I rescued him from a kill shelter,
although I feel like he rescued me.
ALL: Aww!
Okay, what is happening?
Why are you engaging with this idiot?
Ignore her. She's not a dog person.
Clearly. (SCOFFS)
Oh, yeah, I'm the crazy one.
There is no dog. Ow!
I know that was intentional!
ADULT ADAM: As Erica was hit by my brother's instant success,
my mom was about to be struck by some bad news.
There's my handsome men. I just snickered up a batch of doodles.
Should you tell her or should I?
Let me take this.
I was out teaching him how to drive.
The (BLEEP) you say?
Good for you, kiddo!
No, no. It was not so good.
As a matter of fact, it was worse
than any of us could have imagined.
I ruined the car! He ruined the car?
Not great. Oh, my God.
Please tell me you made him wear a seatbelt.
Technically, I didn't get that far.
Doesn't matter. You always wear a seatbelt.
Why? Because of the road pirates.
What the hell are road pirates?
They're like sea pirates, but instead of other ships,
they plunder mid-sized sedans and hatchbacks.
That's right. Without a belt,
they'll just reach into the window
and yank you out of the car.
What are these words? What are you teaching him when I'm not around?
The good news is, I've officially decided
I'm not ready to drive this year.
Adam, you are my little cookie.
My scrumptious oatmeal-nibble man.
If you're not ready for the next three decades, so be it.
Your little cookie thanks you, Mama.
Here's a little crumb. Mwah.
Oh, I could just eat you up.
It's easy, 'cause I'm a soft-baked cookie.
Oh, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!
Nom, nom, nom, nom!
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!
Oh... Just go!
(LAUGHS) Nom, nom!
What the hell did you do, Murray?
I finally agree with you.
That kid should never drive,
and he should stay your little baby forever.
No! Adam needs to drive!
Then what's with the cookie business?
And the road pirates?
I spent the last five years scaring Adam with my stories
so he'd be a... A super terrified, very cautious driver.
Now's the time for you to swoop in
and call him a moron until he learns to drive.
Wait, that's your plan?
Worked perfectly for Erica and Barry.
I don't know what went wrong here.
I have a theory. Your stories didn't teach him to be cautious.
They just terrified a very gullible, anxious child.
No one wants your objective opinions based on facts, Dad.
We'll handle it, Al.
ADULT ADAM: With that, my parents shut down my grandfather,
who went upstairs and bribed me to drive.
Okey dokey, it's happening.
We'll see you in a few hours.
What? Where are you going?
To take the kid out driving, just like we agreed.
Uh, no.
You had your driver's license taken away, remember?
So? Doesn't mean I can't still drive.
That's exactly what it means.
Wait, are you still driving?
Sure. How else do you think I get here every day?
The bus. You told us you took the bus.
Why would I do that? I got a car.
Did you know about this?
Of course. We have crazy adventures every week.
How do you think we get there?
Oh, my God, Dad! It's not safe for you behind the wheel!
You crashed into a drive-through!
What crash? It was a nudge.
We both know it wasn't a nudge.
I nudged it. In fact, I don't even think I touched it.
This is becoming a whole thing.
I'm gonna rain check, but we can pick this up again in a few years.
No! No rain checks!
Your hero Pops is gonna teach you how to drive. End of story!
ADULT ADAM: Finally! Things are looking up.
But we're coming, too.
Nope! They sucked again.
It was Barry's first day at college, and people were noticing.
Turns out being overly confident and unembarrassable
got him mocked in high school, but in college, he quickly became the life of the party.
Gah! It's been three hours. Can we just go?
For sure. We got a ton of stuff to do.
Stuff? What Stuff? Delta Nu has a pig roast,
and I got invited to a kareoga party.
Wait, isn't that in your dorm?
Uh, yeah, but no one's going to that weird-ass party.
Yo! It's my boy Srini!
Question about your party...
No, no, no! No questions!
Wait, you know this girl, Big Tasty?
She's my sister.
Ah, she sucks at first, but you'll come to love her.
We're currently still in the sucking phase.
Oh, my God! What world am I living in?
Fine. Since you're related to Big Tasty,
I'm willing to overlook your extremely hurtful words
and re-invite you to my soiree.
You hear that, Erica?
He's gonna ignore how terrible you are.
Forget it! You can just go.
If some stupid party is more important
than your own flesh and blood, then have a blast.
I will! Thanks!
Who wants snow cones?
Ow! Okay, now I know you're clearly doing it on purpose!
ADULT ADAM: While Erica felt burned,
I was the one hoping not to crash.
You're doing great, kiddo.
Just keep going on Rydal Road.
No, Dad. Rydal Road intersects the train tracks.
Wait, a train's coming?
No! Maybe, maybe.
Look for the flashing red lights
and the up-and-down-gate thingy.
Oy vey, Bev. There is no train.
Essie Karp's pool man thought the same thing until... Boom!
His truck was T-boned by a commuter train.
Now he holds the skimmer with a homemade clamp.
Homemade clamp?
It's attached to his shoulder.
He opens and shuts it with wires he keeps in his mouth.
No arm part? Just a clamp and a shoulder?
Pulleys. It works very well.
Wouldn't he just choose a different career
if he had a homemade clamp?
Skimming is his life, Murray. It's what he knows.
It's what he knows!
Everything you're saying right now is very distracting.
Wait, if the clamp gets wet, doesn't it get rusty?
Of course it gets rusty. He works around water and metal.
That's why he wears a bag over the clamp.
Ah, come on, there's gotta be a better way to clean pools
than a homemade clamp with a bag over it.
He's a very determined man!
Please drop it already.
You know he cleans gutters in the fall?
He just swaps in a scooper for the clamp.
Scoop? What kind of scooper? (LAUGHS)
He scoops with a homemade ladle.
He scoops out all the gutters.
So he's scooping gutters with a homemade ladle?
He scoops and skims! You expect me to believe that?
He scoops in the fall and skims in the summer! Scoops and skims.
* So, come on
* Take a bottle, shake it up
* Break the bubble, break it up
CROWD: (MUFFLED) * Pour some sugar on me
Enough with the sugar and the pouring! Turn it down!
Wow, you're, like, really harshing on Def Leppard right now.
I can't believe you're actually going to that dumb party.
Totally, and I'm, like, super bummed
you're not gonna be there.
Well, you don't have to be sarcastic about it.
I'm, like, not. This is just how I talk.
Okay, screw this!
There's no way I'll let my brother be better at college than me.
It's time to show 'em how it's done.
* I once was lost
ADULT ADAM: So Erica would prove she could kill it,
by literally murdering all the fun out of the party.
* ...was blind, but now I see *
(MAN COUGHS)
Okay!
Let's keep this party going! Who's up next?
I was gonna sing The Go-Go's,
but I didn't realize this party is religious-themed.
What? No. (CHUCKLES)
That's just a beautiful song that showcases my voice.
Oh. Job well done, then.
Oh, she's not being mean. That's just how she talks.
No, this time, it was totally meant to be mean.
(GASPS)
Come on, Erica, don't go! Come on.
What's the point? I can't win here.
What am I supposed to do?
Use your stupid bag of college? This is nuts.
Hey, mon, I'm Barry Goldberg.
I have a see-through dog,
and I ride a unicycle with a stick.
Or how about a Snoopy snow cone
while I strap on breakdancing pants
and wear this captain's hat for some reason?
Okay, when you use them all at once, you just look silly.
(CLATTERS) Don't you get it, dude?
No one likes me here. I don't even like me here.
Then it's time you show them the Erica we all knew back home.
How? High school was so easy.
I didn't even have to try to make friends.
I get it. It's new, and it's scary.
But I guarantee, if you put yourself out there,
everyone will love the real Erica Goldberg.
How do I introduce everyone to the real me?
Mmm, I got a plan.
MURRAY: So he's scooping. BEVERLY: He scoops.
MURRAY: I'm sorry, what's you're saying, science fiction!
You just made all this crap up.
I didn't. I... Oh, yeah, you did.
I'm not that creative.
Oh, yeah, scooping with a ladle, I'd argue, is very creative.
Listen, listen. Listen to me.
Please drop it already!
It's doubters like you that make him want to skim harder.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out Pops was right.
My dad's nagging pressure to make me drive,
coupled with my mom's constant car-safety stories,
weren't exactly prepping me for the road.
I was in full panic mode.
Stop talking about clamps and pool men.
Here come the train tracks. What do I do?
Just drive, moron.
He's right. I am a moron. Grab the wheel.
No! Ignore your dad and the pool-guy story.
I don't see flashing lights or gates lowering. What if it's broken?
Just punch it, kiddo.
Balls!
(BREATHING HEAVILY) You did it!
He did it!
I did it! You were right, Pops.
This whole driving thing isn't so...
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Well, that was a little more than a nudge.
ADULT ADAM: Pops was an excellent driving teacher.
Unfortunately, I was not a great student.
Surprising amount of paperwork for a tiny, little nudge.
Dad, we T-boned a cop.
And you told him to stop making a big deal out of it.
I think that cop had something going on at home.
**
Okay, first things first.
Give me your keys, Al. No more driving.
How is this on me? Adam was behind the wheel.
You know how it works. It's the circle of driving.
Somebody loses a license, someone gets a license.
Or, Pops keeps driving, 'cause I'm not.
See? The circle of driving ends with me.
The circle of driving does not end with you.
Or...
Pops keeps driving, 'cause I'm not.
See? The circle of driving ends with me.
You can't end the circle of driving.
Oh, I just did! The circle is complete!
Listen, Cookie Bite. I know you're scared to drive.
But you shouldn't be.
Truth is, I might've slightly exaggerated
the safety of the highways and byways,
just to make sure you were safe.
So I won't stall out on train tracks
and end up cleaning pools with my face?
Not if you get regular oil changes and fill up your car...
Beverly. Sorry.
Train tracks are fine.
Murray? What about you?
What about me?
Well, maybe you apologize
for always calling the kid a moron.
(GRUMBLES)
Aw. That's the nicest sound you ever made at me.
Even morons can drive.
Especially you.
**
Um, hey.
I thought we could keep kareoga going.
Um, we're good, Whitney Houston.
Look, I just wanted people to like me.
Then, when they didn't, I acted judgey and showed off.
Maybe I can make up for it?
Okay.
Hey, everybody, I'm Erica.
I'm also Big Tasty's sister.
ALL: (CHEERING) Big Tasty! Mmm-hmm.
Anyway, I hear part of kareoga is singing along,
so join in if you want.
(PLAYING POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME)
* Love is like a bomb, baby, come on, get it on
* Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
* Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
* I'm a demolition woman, will you be my man
(GUITAR STRUMMING)
**
Hey, Pops? Got a second?
Sure thing, kiddo.
Listen, I was thinking...
Maybe Mom and Dad are right.
Maybe it's time for you to stop driving.
For real this time.
Your parents put you up to this?
No. This time, it's coming from me.
I know Mom drilled car safety into my head and all,
but I think, in your case, you really should listen.
Adam, I can't just stop driving.
I mean, how are we gonna go on all our crazy adventures?
Easy. I'll drive us. You?
If getting my license means I get to keep hanging out with you,
then I'm all in.
You'd do that for me?
Then I guess these are yours now.
(KEYS JINGLING)
(CLATTERS)
I'll work on that. Come here.
ADULT ADAM: And with that, the circle of driving was finally complete.
ERICA: * Shake it up
* Break the bubble, break it up
ALL: * Pour some sugar on me
* In the name of love
* Pour some sugar on me
* Come on, fire me up
ADULT ADAM: There's nothing harder in life
than facing what scares you most.
Sometimes you just need a little nudge
to get behind the wheel and hit the gas.
Drive safe, moron.
And when your family's along for the ride,
nothing you can't do, nowhere you can't go.
ERICA: * Listen
* Red light, yellow light, green-alight, go
* Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up
ADULT ADAM: That magic night, Erica finally found her place at college.
And I found that history had a way of repeating itself.
I know you're bummed about giving up driving,
so I thought this place would cheer you up.
**
You know me well, kiddo.
Oh, hell no!
We're going to the Spaghetti Warehouse across the street.
Don't even look at this place.
ALL: * Pour some sugar on me
* Oh, in the name of love
* Pour some sugar on me
ADULT ADAM: In the end, all it takes is finding the courage to crank it up,
hit the road, and keep on driving.
* I'm hot, sticky sweet
* From my head to my feet, yeah
(POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME PLAYING)
* Take a bottle, shake it up
(DINGS)
* Break the bubble
(WATER RUNNING)
(GASPS)
Happy birthday! What do you want for breakfast?
Privacy!
Oh, please.
Don't forget to wash your bottom.
**
(WATER RUNNING)
(GASPS) Happy birthday, Schmoo.
What do you want for breakfast?
How's about some pancake dippers?
Don't forget to wash your bottom. ADAM: On it!