ADULT ADAM: Ah, restaurants of the '80s.
Back then, dining out with your family was the highlight of the week.
Unless, of course, you came from a loud family
with no sense of boundaries.
A family like mine.
I can't believe you're really here.
So you're not mad that I surprised you at college?
I mean, I know you hate that kind of thing.
Geoff, you being here is the perfect gift. Really.
But you know what's an even better gift
than just the two of us celebrating your birthday?
ALL: Surprise.
Wait, it's your birthday?
You all told me we were coming here
so I can be scouted by the Washington Bullets!
Oh, my God!
You invited my whole family!
To dinner! In public. Why
We all drove down together!
Murray made me pump gas.
And nobody rides for free.
Do you mind giving me a sec with my special guy
so that I can thank him properly?
Hurry back! Our table's almost ready.
Hi, can you grab our menus? We're ready to sit.
I'm sorry, there's a few parties ahead of you.
I'm hungry, Bevy. What's the girl saying?
The girl's saying there's people ahead of us
but I'm just gonna nudge her until she gives in.
It'll just be a few more minutes, ma'am.
What do you mean a few more minutes?
That table just sat down and they arrived five minutes after us.
Ma'am, I understand. But there was a two top ready.
So just because I decide to build a life around my family I'm suddenly to blame?
I'm starving, Bevy.
Here's the thing.
My husband's blood sugar is in freefall, we're on borrowed time.
Bevy, I'm starving!
BEVERLY: Hear that, he's starving.
How could you? My family, Geoff? My family?
Um, yeah? Am I missing something here? It's just dinner.
At a restaurant? It's the worst humiliation known to man.
Their most terrible qualities are magnified by a thousand.
You don't even understand the events that you've set into motion.
Leave right now or this relationship is over.
You're gonna break up with me over a dinner at Beefsteak Charlie's?
No! You're gonna break up with me!
You're never gonna want to stay after the horrors you see tonight.
Bevy? This isn't good. I'm getting shaky hungry.
If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna have to lie down.
I'll get you a roll, Murray.
Ma, Dad's lying on people again.
All right, either get us a table or give this man a hot buttered roll.
No pumpernickel.
He says no pumpernickel!
BEVERLY: For the love of God, no pumpernickel!
Geoff, look at me. Whatever happens tonight,
I need you to know that I love you with all of my heart.
I'm getting scared, Erica. What's gonna happen?
I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
Dinner with the Goldbergs.
ADULT ADAM: Every dinner at a restaurant begins with being seated at a table.
But for my picky family, no table was good enough.
Here we are, folks.
I'm sorry. I... I don't mean to be a nudge
but this table is garbage.
I mean, look it's right next to the kitchen.
No worries. Right this way.
ADULT ADAM: And so this embarrassing display always happened.
This one's right under the air conditioner.
We want dinner, not pneumonia.
I... I can't eat here. There's an echo.
Do you hear it?
We can't do a booth, my husband has a bad back.
He's got to sit in a chair like a human being.
This is way too close to the bathroom.
It has a wobble.
Hello? Ah.
There's an echo.
This just has a bad vibe.
ADULT ADAM: Every meal with the Goldbergs began the same.
First, my dad would ravenously attack the bread basket.
Followed by this classic mom response.
No, Murray! No! One roll for you only.
The same goes for the rest of you.
I will not have you filling up on bread.
What's with your mom and the rolls?
He worst fear in life is that we'll fill up on bread.
But she also can't let anything go to waste.
So that's where her food purse comes in.
Food what now?
ERICA: It's a bottomless purse lined with foil.
Oh, hi. We need some more rolls.
Oh, I'm not your waiter, but I'll tell him.
Wait! It says free refills. I'll have a sprite.
Oh, again. I'm not your waiter, but I'll let him know.
Whoo-hoo! This family now has a bottomless soda.
We're beating the system.
ADULT ADAM: Next, Barry would have his traditional middle child meltdown
over the struggles of being left handed.
Damn it, Geoff, stop! What?
You're masing your dominant hand into mine!
I can't eat like this!
Ignore him. Barry just acts like a big baby because he's a lefty.
You don't know the pain of the southpaw.
I feel like a left handed prisoner of war.
Geoff, switch me!
Enough. You're sitting where you're sitting.
Ooh, it's a cheddar biscuit.
No, Murray, no!
ADULT ADAM: It was now decision making time.
And for my dad, the only choice was how to save money.
Okay. It's time for Murray's menu rules.
Remember, no prime cuts,
no fancy sides.
No out of season vegetables.
No market price.
No salad bar. No items in French.
No dry aged anything.
And most importantly...
ALL: No appetizers of any kind 'cause that's how they screw you.
Does that include a nice soup?
Are you for real? Is he for real?
You're gonna eat a little meal before you eat a big meal?
How many meals do you need?
Dad, stop it. If Geoff wants a cup of soup,
let him get a cup of soup!
I don't need the soup. I'm... I'm sorry I even brought it up.
You know what, I don't trust anyone. Hand me your spoons.
Murray, it's a special night. Let the kids order whatever they want.
Yes! I'm gonna get the Porterhouse.
Everyone but you. Excuse me, waiter.
Yoo-hoo! Can we have a children's menu for my baby?
Oh, again, I'm not your waiter. But, uh, I'll let him know.
Mom! That menu is specifically for kids eight and under.
I'm in high school now. No one's gonna buy this act anymore.
Hey, moron. I'm not paying for you to get a steak and eat three bites.
Daddy's right, you may be a big boy
but you've still got a little boy belly.
Here you go, buckaroo, and here's a cup with a lid.
ADAM: Thanks. I know it's an octopus
but I'm gonna connect the dots anyway.
I'm sorry. Stop apologizing. We're fine.
Fine We haven't even begun, Geoff.
We haven't? Not at all.
Because after we sit, we order.
Waiter, we're ready to order.
Got ya. I mean, I'm not your waiter but, uh, I'll just take it.
Great, my husband here will have...
Bup-bup-bup. What's with you always ordering for me?
I know what you like.
And I don't? I'll order my own damn meal, thank you.
I'll have the, uh...
ADULT ADAM: Whenever it came time to order my dad had this crazy glitch,
where he would immediately forget what he liked or wanted.
Ah, come back to me.
My grandfather also had his own way of ordering.
Excuse me?
Befriending anyone within a ten table radius.
What's that golden hunk of meat you're enjoying there?
It's a pork chop.
Is it good? Very.
I'm not in the mood for trafe.
What about your handsome friend?
What are you working with? Is that some kind of pilaf?
It's wild rice.
You go, Adam. I get a feeling these people have a story to tell.
I'll have the Li'l wrangler dog and apple sauce.
Sorry. Children's menu is eight and under.
He is eight and under.
Yes, I'm this much.
All right, wrangler dog it is. And what can I get you?
ADULT ADAM: And then there was Barry.
Without fail he'd always order the wrong thing.
You know what? I think I'm havin' a nice piece of fish.
No. Stop right there. This is Beefsteak Charlie's.
Steak is in the name, that means no fish.
How's your steamed trout?
It's not great.
Heard ya loud and clear. Trout me.
Dude, no. Don't do this.
Well, since you've all been such jerks,
I won't be sharing my delicious trout with any of you.
ADULT ADAM: And with Barry's stubborn defiance
came my chance to stage my own revolt.
Done! I was right.
It's an octopus with a lasso but my childhood ends here.
Garson, bring me the biggest steak you got.
No, Adam, no. You're tummy can't handle that big boy food,
it'll destroy your insides and tushie.
I'm taking a stand, I'm a grown ass man
and I know how to man my big honk and meats.
Fine. But if you don't finish it so help me God.
Ready now, sir? I'll have the come back to me.
And what can... Uh... Sir
Hold on. I'm talking to Donald and Vicki over here about their potato.
Okay, you know what? I will just go.
I will have the rib eye, and a side of corn bread. Geoff, order.
Um...
Just, um, some... Some soup.
I'm sorry, what's that? Soup.
I can't really get you. Soup.
Are you saying snook?
Soup. He'll have the soup,
French onion, a bowl not a cup. Deal with it.
Are you trying to ruin the entire night?
And, uh, what else can I get for you?
No, that's, that's it, just... Just the soup.
Decided yet?
I finally got it.
Goddamn it, come back to me.
Okay, ma'am?
Okay, write this down very carefully.
I would like the sirloin, medium plus,
with garlic butter sauce on the side.
I would like the vegetable medley,
but instead of asparagus, I would like six pieces of shrimp.
We don't substitute shrimp for vegetables.
Oh, that changes everything.
My God. Here we go. What's wrong now?
It takes my mom ten minutes to order.
To her, the menu is just a vague suggestion.
I would like the hanger steak Pittsburgh style,
but instead of bearnaise sauce, I would like crab cakes.
We also don't swap out sauces for actual food.
Okay, got a whole lot of rules that don't make any sense.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
I would like sirloin, medium plus
with garlic butter sauce on the side.
Okay, let's start over.
I would like a baked potato with sour cream and chives
but extra sour cream on the side.
I would like a petite fillet, a large petite fillet,
red peppers and beans and asparagus
and cream spinach and add the horse radish on the side
but I'm not, like, starving so cut the potato in half
and put half of that to go.
And all the mushrooms you have.
Perfect.
You sir, you look like you're ready to order.
Uh, please come back to me.
There's no one left. Just pick your meat already.
Why don't I just come back in a few minutes and...
No, we're too far in. He'll have the T-bone a little pink inside.
Oh, yeah. That is what I like. All right.
Oh. I almost forgot,
it's our daughter Erica's birthday today
and I believe that means we get a free piece of cake.
Absolutely. Dad, stop.
And by the way, it's his birthday too. Me?
They're twins. They'll have two free big pieces of cake.
Well, happy birthday to both of you.
I'm sorry. Baby, it's fine. Ow.
Hands off. You're twins.
Ouch, my kidney. I...
ERICA: Barry, stop elbowing. May I take your order?
No, Marc, no. Just walk away. ERICA: Stop elbowing.
You got a sweet Hawaiian roll.
No, Murray, no.
Hey, look at the size of Garry's giant fillet.
I just wanna drink this soda like a human being.
Oh, God! It's so cold, but I'm fine.
Waiter, refill on the soda.
And rolls, and sugar packets and more rolls.
ADULT ADAM: It seemed like dinner hit rock bottom,
but it was gonna get much worse.
Geoff had gotten a taste of dinner with the Goldbergs,
but the worst was yet to come.
God. I know exactly what's gonna happen,
but it's still a nightmare to live through.
You gotta calm down, okay? Honestly, you're making it worse.
Me
It's just, you're so yelly.
Yeah. I'm trying to protect you.
I don't need protecting. Just chill out a little.
Fine. From here on out, you're on your own
and believe me, the worst is yet to come.
Hey, no salad bar. That counts as an appetizer.
I tried, buddy. Good luck.
ADULT ADAM: After we ordered dinner,
came the hardest part of the meal
for my impatient family, waiting.
I cannot believe our food isn't here.
Must be some kind of a mistake.
Excuse me, I can't see our waiter anywhere.
No, that's me, I'm your waiter.
Remember, Marc?
All the tables that ordered after us, already got their food.
First we ordered. Then that table, then them.
ADULT ADAM: Like all mothers, my mom watched each table order like a hawk
so she knew when it was our turn to get served.
Then them, then them and then that big group over there with my dad.
They have names, Bevy.
This is Doug and Fran and Lee-Ann and little Bobby.
I'll check on it right away, ma'am.
Oh, I'm getting shaky hungry. I'm gonna have some rolls.
No, Murray, no. Do not touch the rolls.
Oh, wait. Finally. Here it comes.
ADULT ADAM: At long last, our piping hot dinner was on its way to my family.
And we would feast upon Beefsteak Charlie's finest meats.
And... Still not our order.
What in the actual !
That waiter just gave them our food by mistake.
Those bastards.
We gotta get our food.
Wait, like go take it from them.
I want my fish.
I'm getting shaky hungry. I can't wait. I gotta eat the rolls.
Don't touch the rolls. Geoff, Barry, let's go.
Really? Get the food from those poor people?
ADULT ADAM: Okay, you may not believe what happened next,
but this is all true, this happened.
Hi, hello. Uh, you have our food
so we're just going to take that out of your way.
Are you sure? Uh, yeah.
We ordered first and look at this.
That's medium plus, that's what I ordered.
That's rare. These are ours. Yeah.
Sorry about the mix-up.
Oh, boy. Everybody look away
'cause this is not gonna be pretty.
Damn it. I waited this whole time
and they still don't have my dinner.
Waiter, excuse me. My boy never got his river fish.
I'm not your waiter and where did this come from?
They took it from our table.
Ma'am, this is not your food.
Oh, no. Did we just touch and steal food from those nice people?
Okay, here we go every... Oh, boy.
ADULT ADAM: And that's when our dinner really did arrive.
Uh, hi, hello. Over here.
So sorry about the mix-up, you can just come and take your food back.
No. You poked it.
Well, it was just a little poke.
Uh, I didn't poke anything.
But I did. I jammed my thumb in there like a champ.
Many apologies, sir.
We'll rush out another order.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going with that?
To throw it out. No, that's a waste.
Pack it up. We'll take it to go.
You want to take home the meal that wasn't yours?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna throw it in a big garbage bag.
Why don't you put it in a little doggie bag? We'll take it.
Okay, now he's actively stealing.
Don't look at me. I'm busy enjoying the other table's fries.
Sure, it's no problem. We'll wrap all of this.
ADULT ADAM: For my family, dining out wasn't about the quality of the food,
it was about the quantity.
And it was best expressed with one word.
The portions, huh?
Such big portions.
The biggest portions in town.
Can you believe the portions?
I don't like my large portion.
This portion's not good.
My portion's, like, huge.
Why are there three baked potatoes on here too?
It's madness.
Psst! I'll trade you this fish for anything you got.
Dude, if I don't eat this while giant steak,
Mom's never gonna let me order off the adult menu again.
What's going with you? Is your little tummy full already?
Nope. Barry's just mad 'cause I'm gonna finish this all on my own.
I told you not to get that fish.
Geoff. I'm your best friend,
pour half of your soup into my glass.
Geoff, do not.
I'm so hungry, please.
He knew better than to order trout at a steak house.
Don't support his bad judgment.
Erica, please help me.
I wouldn't worry about it. Everything's gonna be sent back anyway.
What do you mean?
Oh, it's all going back. You'll see.
I don't wanna see. Just tell me what's gonna ha...
ADULT ADAM: We finally began our meal and it tasted damn fine.
But fine was not good enough for my mom who always did this.
Excuse me, waiter. Ugh. My fries are ice cold.
Hi, I kinda switched with Alex
'cause you keep ordering from him.
Feel them, ice cold.
Also, I ordered the T-bone a little pink inside, but it's way overdone.
I'll fix both of yours right away.
Geoff, didn't you order a bowl of soup? That's a cup.
No, I'm fine, totally fine.
It's not a problem. I'll take it back and make sure it's right.
If things are getting sent back,
maybe I should get the petite filet
instead of this Longhorn Gutbuster?
Also please take back this stinky fish.
Oh, no. You got the fish, you keep the fish.
You all get to send back for new meat
and I'm stuck with this old soggy trout?
Do me a favor, uh, wrap that up, we'll take it.
You want me to wrap up the food you don't like?
What is it with this restaurant and wasting food?
We'll also have a refill on the soda.
And more rolls and straws and Sweet'n Low and more rolls.
ADULT ADAM: Like always, Barry hated his order.
As for the rest of us, we finally stopped yelling and started eating.
At this point, my hungry dad
would go into a blissful food zone,
and then, this would happen.
He'd choke.
Um, is your father okay?
Eh, he's fine. This is just what he does when he gets in the zone.
But he's choking. He'll power through it.
Doesn't seem like he will.
Trust us, there's plenty of air going around the meat.
There's no air.
Look at him. This is a full-on real choke.
No. Look, he's trying to put mushrooms on his fork right now.
Why is he doing that? Why does he continue to feed?
The man is dying.
What's with all the hubba?
I can't just sit here and let him choke like this.
Against my better judgment, I'm letting you know that this is the happiest my dad gets.
Don't worry, Mr. G. I'm a lifeguard at the JCC.
Arms up. Find the sternum.
Don't find the sternum.
Why are you touching me? Don't touch me.
GEOFF: I'm trying to save your life.
Why? Sit down.
ADULT ADAM: And with that, the Goldberg's officially broke the sweetest
boyfriend in the world.
Waiter. Over here.
No. This has never been our waiter.
Look at his face. He's an entirely different person.
Geoff. You're making a scene.
Oh, right. Because the last thing we want
is some unwanted negative attention.
This family should be barred from any and all dining establishments.
I'm talkin' Beefsteak Charlie's,
China Garden, Applebee's, even Tony Roma's.
I hear they make a top-notch shrimp scampi.
Oh, my God. At a steak place you get steak
and in a place for ribs, you eat ribs with your dominant hand
without complaining that the world is prejudiced against you.
Burn. He got you good.
And you. You know, despite your age,
you still sound look like and sound like a tiny boy,
so just order accordingly.
He's right, you barely touched steak.
And, you. You turned your purse into a mini fridge.
You took an hour to order,
then stole food from that table and then sent it back.
Hey. We're trying to enjoy Devon's graduation dinner in peace.
And you.
That's just a nice family trying to have a special meal together.
Leave them alone.
What's captain soup going on about?
And you.
With your menu rules and your communal soda
and your forcing me to just eat soup.
You think I didn't want steak?
I chose this place.
I love their meats and their sides
and why do you keep eating through everything I'm saying right now?
You know, you really are ruining our good people's name
and you know what I'm talking about.
* Happy birthday to you
* Happy birthday Erica and Geoff
* Happy birthday to both of you *
ADULT ADAM: It was time for the final stage of dinner,
the moment Beverly ceased to be a mother
and became the world's greatest forensic accountant.
Well, it's a good thing I travel with my calculator
because we are being aggressively overcharged.
Okay, the cake is free,
double check there's no cake out there. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna go outside. BEVERLY: Waiter,
it says we're being charged for a larger steak
when my son switched to the petite.
And don't forget one soda, make sure.
Also you said you'd take off for the icy cold fries.
Zero cake, one soda, triple check.
All right, Murray, you're just slowing me down.
All right, which one of you is the waiter?
I'll tell you who your waiter was.
No, no, Alex, it's not worth it.
You're right, you're right.
Hey.
Look, I don't need to hear I told you so.
I just wanted to be closer to your family,
but I made a mess of everything.
No. You didn't.
Look, I have to admit something.
I love you, but I never thought
that we could go the distance because I didn't think you could handle my family.
But...
Man, the way you stood up to them was awesome.
You're one of us, Geoff.
You think?
I know.
MURRAY: Bap-bap.
Remember, you guys are twins.
Keep the lie up until I get my credit card back.
We're having a moment, Dad.
I need to have a moment with Soupy Sales if you don't mind.
Don't worry. I'll be very nice. I promise.
Look, before you say anything,
just let me apologize for, you know, grabbing you
and yelling at you and suggesting that you're a thief.
What are you apologizing for?
That's what happens at all our dinners.
So you're not mad? Even about the soup?
The next time, you can have soup and an entree.
Wow, that's...
Really?
Just don't tell the others.
ADULT ADAM: That night, Geoff did the impossible.
He survived dinner with the Goldbergs.
But even better, he gained my Dad's respect.
Thank you for making sure my schmoo had a great birthday.
It was a special night.
Yeah, I certainly will never forget it.
GEOFF: And they're gone.
At least until they realize, they left Pops inside.
Wait, he's still in there talking to that couple that just got engaged?
For sure.
So do you wanna go get actual food now?
Yeah, all I had was soup and Barry stole half of it.
ADULT ADAM: In the end, this dinner with the Goldbergs was just like any other.
It was noisy, messy, highly embarrassing
but somehow we always left feeling closer and our hearts filled with love.
And my mom's purse filled with rolls.
MAN: Barry! Barry!
WAITERS: * Happy birthday to you
Breakfast is served.
The only thing better than eating out is leftovers the next day.
Steak and eggs for you. Steak and eggs for you and for Barry,
a fishy scramble made from last night's half eaten trout.
What? That thing should've never left the restaurant.
And let it go to waste. Oh, no, mister. You eat that fishy scramble.
I don't want the fishy scramble.
You eat that fishy scramble right now.
Ugh!
Mm. Wow. This fishy scramble is yummy.
Want to get on this, Adam? I'm good.
How about you old man? It's like fish scramble heaven over here.
Please take that plate away from me.
Eat it!