1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,504 ADULT ADAM: Ah, restaurants of the '80s. 2 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:06,374 Back then, dining out with your family was the highlight of the week. 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,342 Unless, of course, you came from a loud family 4 00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:09,643 with no sense of boundaries. 5 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:11,812 A family like mine. 6 00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:13,881 I can't believe you're really here. 7 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,849 So you're not mad that I surprised you at college? 8 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,351 I mean, I know you hate that kind of thing. 9 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:20,588 Geoff, you being here is the perfect gift. Really. 10 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,423 But you know what's an even better gift 11 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,358 than just the two of us celebrating your birthday? 12 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,795 ALL: Surprise. 13 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,697 Wait, it's your birthday? 14 00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,199 You all told me we were coming here 15 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,000 so I can be scouted by the Washington Bullets! 16 00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,502 Oh, my God! 17 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,837 You invited my whole family! 18 00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:39,840 To dinner! In public. Why 19 00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,242 We all drove down together! 20 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:42,810 Murray made me pump gas. 21 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,078 And nobody rides for free. 22 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,814 Do you mind giving me a sec with my special guy 23 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,682 so that I can thank him properly? 24 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,851 Hurry back! Our table's almost ready. 25 00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:53,053 Hi, can you grab our menus? We're ready to sit. 26 00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,256 I'm sorry, there's a few parties ahead of you. 27 00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,057 I'm hungry, Bevy. What's the girl saying? 28 00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,759 The girl's saying there's people ahead of us 29 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,728 but I'm just gonna nudge her until she gives in. 30 00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:02,363 It'll just be a few more minutes, ma'am. 31 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:03,997 What do you mean a few more minutes? 32 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,634 That table just sat down and they arrived five minutes after us. 33 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,137 Ma'am, I understand. But there was a two top ready. 34 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:12,740 So just because I decide to build a life around my family I'm suddenly to blame? 35 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,108 I'm starving, Bevy. 36 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,576 Here's the thing. 37 00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:18,679 My husband's blood sugar is in freefall, we're on borrowed time. 38 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:19,747 Bevy, I'm starving! 39 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,048 BEVERLY: Hear that, he's starving. 40 00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:23,784 How could you? My family, Geoff? My family? 41 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:26,086 Um, yeah? Am I missing something here? It's just dinner. 42 00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:29,923 At a restaurant? It's the worst humiliation known to man. 43 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:32,860 Their most terrible qualities are magnified by a thousand. 44 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,863 You don't even understand the events that you've set into motion. 45 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,199 Leave right now or this relationship is over. 46 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:40,668 You're gonna break up with me over a dinner at Beefsteak Charlie's? 47 00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,803 No! You're gonna break up with me! 48 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:45,339 You're never gonna want to stay after the horrors you see tonight. 49 00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:48,342 Bevy? This isn't good. I'm getting shaky hungry. 50 00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,211 If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna have to lie down. 51 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:51,379 I'll get you a roll, Murray. 52 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,347 Ma, Dad's lying on people again. 53 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:56,417 All right, either get us a table or give this man a hot buttered roll. 54 00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:57,485 No pumpernickel. 55 00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:58,986 He says no pumpernickel! 56 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,222 BEVERLY: For the love of God, no pumpernickel! 57 00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,357 Geoff, look at me. Whatever happens tonight, 58 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,826 I need you to know that I love you with all of my heart. 59 00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:07,795 I'm getting scared, Erica. What's gonna happen? 60 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,364 I'll tell you what's gonna happen. 61 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:12,333 Dinner with the Goldbergs. 62 00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:18,138 ADULT ADAM: Every dinner at a restaurant begins with being seated at a table. 63 00:02:18,206 --> 00:02:20,874 But for my picky family, no table was good enough. 64 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:22,176 Here we are, folks. 65 00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,478 I'm sorry. I... I don't mean to be a nudge 66 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,380 but this table is garbage. 67 00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,382 I mean, look it's right next to the kitchen. 68 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,117 No worries. Right this way. 69 00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,920 ADULT ADAM: And so this embarrassing display always happened. 70 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:36,224 This one's right under the air conditioner. 71 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,091 We want dinner, not pneumonia. 72 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,127 I... I can't eat here. There's an echo. 73 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,795 Do you hear it? 74 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,164 We can't do a booth, my husband has a bad back. 75 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:46,534 He's got to sit in a chair like a human being. 76 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,202 This is way too close to the bathroom. 77 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,103 It has a wobble. 78 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,605 Hello? Ah. 79 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:53,674 There's an echo. 80 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,543 This just has a bad vibe. 81 00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:00,914 ADULT ADAM: Every meal with the Goldbergs began the same. 82 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,584 First, my dad would ravenously attack the bread basket. 83 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,919 Followed by this classic mom response. 84 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,222 No, Murray! No! One roll for you only. 85 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,357 The same goes for the rest of you. 86 00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,292 I will not have you filling up on bread. 87 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,793 What's with your mom and the rolls? 88 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,695 He worst fear in life is that we'll fill up on bread. 89 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,464 But she also can't let anything go to waste. 90 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,432 So that's where her food purse comes in. 91 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:19,667 Food what now? 92 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,369 ERICA: It's a bottomless purse lined with foil. 93 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,337 Oh, hi. We need some more rolls. 94 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:24,738 Oh, I'm not your waiter, but I'll tell him. 95 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,708 Wait! It says free refills. I'll have a sprite. 96 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,478 Oh, again. I'm not your waiter, but I'll let him know. 97 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:34,047 Whoo-hoo! This family now has a bottomless soda. 98 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:35,949 We're beating the system. 99 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,519 ADULT ADAM: Next, Barry would have his traditional middle child meltdown 100 00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:40,521 over the struggles of being left handed. 101 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,623 Damn it, Geoff, stop! What? 102 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:45,726 You're masing your dominant hand into mine! 103 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,395 I can't eat like this! 104 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,963 Ignore him. Barry just acts like a big baby because he's a lefty. 105 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,832 You don't know the pain of the southpaw. 106 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,867 I feel like a left handed prisoner of war. 107 00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:55,703 Geoff, switch me! 108 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,272 Enough. You're sitting where you're sitting. 109 00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,274 Ooh, it's a cheddar biscuit. 110 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,342 No, Murray, no! 111 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,179 ADULT ADAM: It was now decision making time. 112 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:10,250 And for my dad, the only choice was how to save money. 113 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:13,621 Okay. It's time for Murray's menu rules. 114 00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:16,023 Remember, no prime cuts, 115 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,725 no fancy sides. 116 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,960 No out of season vegetables. 117 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,194 No market price. 118 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,797 No salad bar. No items in French. 119 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,866 No dry aged anything. 120 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,535 And most importantly... 121 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:31,138 ALL: No appetizers of any kind 'cause that's how they screw you. 122 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,907 Does that include a nice soup? 123 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:36,009 Are you for real? Is he for real? 124 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,379 You're gonna eat a little meal before you eat a big meal? 125 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:39,580 How many meals do you need? 126 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,649 Dad, stop it. If Geoff wants a cup of soup, 127 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,050 let him get a cup of soup! 128 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,152 I don't need the soup. I'm... I'm sorry I even brought it up. 129 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,020 You know what, I don't trust anyone. Hand me your spoons. 130 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:50,090 Murray, it's a special night. Let the kids order whatever they want. 131 00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,025 Yes! I'm gonna get the Porterhouse. 132 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,027 Everyone but you. Excuse me, waiter. 133 00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:57,064 Yoo-hoo! Can we have a children's menu for my baby? 134 00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:00,033 Oh, again, I'm not your waiter. But, uh, I'll let him know. 135 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:03,303 Mom! That menu is specifically for kids eight and under. 136 00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:06,239 I'm in high school now. No one's gonna buy this act anymore. 137 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,777 Hey, moron. I'm not paying for you to get a steak and eat three bites. 138 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,812 Daddy's right, you may be a big boy 139 00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:13,481 but you've still got a little boy belly. 140 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:16,684 Here you go, buckaroo, and here's a cup with a lid. 141 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,486 ADAM: Thanks. I know it's an octopus 142 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:19,887 but I'm gonna connect the dots anyway. 143 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,356 I'm sorry. Stop apologizing. We're fine. 144 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,025 Fine We haven't even begun, Geoff. 145 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,827 We haven't? Not at all. 146 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:29,897 Because after we sit, we order. 147 00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,467 Waiter, we're ready to order. 148 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:37,104 Got ya. I mean, I'm not your waiter but, uh, I'll just take it. 149 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,472 Great, my husband here will have... 150 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:41,008 Bup-bup-bup. What's with you always ordering for me? 151 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,342 I know what you like. 152 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:45,245 And I don't? I'll order my own damn meal, thank you. 153 00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:46,980 I'll have the, uh... 154 00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,483 ADULT ADAM: Whenever it came time to order my dad had this crazy glitch, 155 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,819 where he would immediately forget what he liked or wanted. 156 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,220 Ah, come back to me. 157 00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:55,088 My grandfather also had his own way of ordering. 158 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,356 Excuse me? 159 00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,526 Befriending anyone within a ten table radius. 160 00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:01,261 What's that golden hunk of meat you're enjoying there? 161 00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,362 It's a pork chop. 162 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:03,564 Is it good? Very. 163 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:05,032 I'm not in the mood for trafe. 164 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:06,834 What about your handsome friend? 165 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,503 What are you working with? Is that some kind of pilaf? 166 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,171 It's wild rice. 167 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:14,875 You go, Adam. I get a feeling these people have a story to tell. 168 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:19,713 I'll have the Li'l wrangler dog and apple sauce. 169 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,649 Sorry. Children's menu is eight and under. 170 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,850 He is eight and under. 171 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,518 Yes, I'm this much. 172 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:27,921 All right, wrangler dog it is. And what can I get you? 173 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,222 ADULT ADAM: And then there was Barry. 174 00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:32,059 Without fail he'd always order the wrong thing. 175 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,828 You know what? I think I'm havin' a nice piece of fish. 176 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:38,432 No. Stop right there. This is Beefsteak Charlie's. 177 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:41,168 Steak is in the name, that means no fish. 178 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,070 How's your steamed trout? 179 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:44,137 It's not great. 180 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,839 Heard ya loud and clear. Trout me. 181 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,475 Dude, no. Don't do this. 182 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:49,276 Well, since you've all been such jerks, 183 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,712 I won't be sharing my delicious trout with any of you. 184 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:53,380 ADULT ADAM: And with Barry's stubborn defiance 185 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,783 came my chance to stage my own revolt. 186 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,018 Done! I was right. 187 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,288 It's an octopus with a lasso but my childhood ends here. 188 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,657 Garson, bring me the biggest steak you got. 189 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:06,727 No, Adam, no. You're tummy can't handle that big boy food, 190 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,962 it'll destroy your insides and tushie. 191 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,499 I'm taking a stand, I'm a grown ass man 192 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,366 and I know how to man my big honk and meats. 193 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,803 Fine. But if you don't finish it so help me God. 194 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,138 Ready now, sir? I'll have the come back to me. 195 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,241 And what can... Uh... Sir 196 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:25,746 Hold on. I'm talking to Donald and Vicki over here about their potato. 197 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,414 Okay, you know what? I will just go. 198 00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:30,383 I will have the rib eye, and a side of corn bread. Geoff, order. 199 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,622 Um... 200 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,357 Just, um, some... Some soup. 201 00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:38,959 I'm sorry, what's that? Soup. 202 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,193 I can't really get you. Soup. 203 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,328 Are you saying snook? 204 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:42,696 Soup. He'll have the soup, 205 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,998 French onion, a bowl not a cup. Deal with it. 206 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,167 Are you trying to ruin the entire night? 207 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,602 And, uh, what else can I get for you? 208 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,838 No, that's, that's it, just... Just the soup. 209 00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:52,405 Decided yet? 210 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,074 I finally got it. 211 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,609 Goddamn it, come back to me. 212 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:56,810 Okay, ma'am? 213 00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,679 Okay, write this down very carefully. 214 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:01,214 I would like the sirloin, medium plus, 215 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,483 with garlic butter sauce on the side. 216 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,285 I would like the vegetable medley, 217 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:08,556 but instead of asparagus, I would like six pieces of shrimp. 218 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:13,193 We don't substitute shrimp for vegetables. 219 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:16,897 Oh, that changes everything. 220 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:19,232 My God. Here we go. What's wrong now? 221 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:21,068 It takes my mom ten minutes to order. 222 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:23,503 To her, the menu is just a vague suggestion. 223 00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,239 I would like the hanger steak Pittsburgh style, 224 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:29,242 but instead of bearnaise sauce, I would like crab cakes. 225 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:33,146 We also don't swap out sauces for actual food. 226 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,883 Okay, got a whole lot of rules that don't make any sense. 227 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,350 All right, here's what we're gonna do. 228 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,419 I would like sirloin, medium plus 229 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,555 with garlic butter sauce on the side. 230 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,990 Okay, let's start over. 231 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,926 I would like a baked potato with sour cream and chives 232 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,428 but extra sour cream on the side. 233 00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:52,165 I would like a petite fillet, a large petite fillet, 234 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:55,468 red peppers and beans and asparagus 235 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,606 and cream spinach and add the horse radish on the side 236 00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:01,108 but I'm not, like, starving so cut the potato in half 237 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,810 and put half of that to go. 238 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,748 And all the mushrooms you have. 239 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,082 Perfect. 240 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,418 You sir, you look like you're ready to order. 241 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:12,886 Uh, please come back to me. 242 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,188 There's no one left. Just pick your meat already. 243 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:16,924 Why don't I just come back in a few minutes and... 244 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,493 No, we're too far in. He'll have the T-bone a little pink inside. 245 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,030 Oh, yeah. That is what I like. All right. 246 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,765 Oh. I almost forgot, 247 00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,834 it's our daughter Erica's birthday today 248 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,637 and I believe that means we get a free piece of cake. 249 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:31,304 Absolutely. Dad, stop. 250 00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:33,073 And by the way, it's his birthday too. Me? 251 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:36,343 They're twins. They'll have two free big pieces of cake. 252 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,445 Well, happy birthday to both of you. 253 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:40,948 I'm sorry. Baby, it's fine. Ow. 254 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,983 Hands off. You're twins. 255 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,284 Ouch, my kidney. I... 256 00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:45,753 ERICA: Barry, stop elbowing. May I take your order? 257 00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,554 No, Marc, no. Just walk away. ERICA: Stop elbowing. 258 00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:49,089 You got a sweet Hawaiian roll. 259 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,357 No, Murray, no. 260 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,426 Hey, look at the size of Garry's giant fillet. 261 00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,729 I just wanna drink this soda like a human being. 262 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,331 Oh, God! It's so cold, but I'm fine. 263 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,367 Waiter, refill on the soda. 264 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,970 And rolls, and sugar packets and more rolls. 265 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,504 ADULT ADAM: It seemed like dinner hit rock bottom, 266 00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,506 but it was gonna get much worse. 267 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,011 Geoff had gotten a taste of dinner with the Goldbergs, 268 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,246 but the worst was yet to come. 269 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:14,948 God. I know exactly what's gonna happen, 270 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,516 but it's still a nightmare to live through. 271 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,819 You gotta calm down, okay? Honestly, you're making it worse. 272 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:20,788 Me 273 00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,622 It's just, you're so yelly. 274 00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,324 Yeah. I'm trying to protect you. 275 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,794 I don't need protecting. Just chill out a little. 276 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,029 Fine. From here on out, you're on your own 277 00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,231 and believe me, the worst is yet to come. 278 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,134 Hey, no salad bar. That counts as an appetizer. 279 00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:35,903 I tried, buddy. Good luck. 280 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:39,740 ADULT ADAM: After we ordered dinner, 281 00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:40,874 came the hardest part of the meal 282 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,043 for my impatient family, waiting. 283 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,245 I cannot believe our food isn't here. 284 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,880 Must be some kind of a mistake. 285 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,950 Excuse me, I can't see our waiter anywhere. 286 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,551 No, that's me, I'm your waiter. 287 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,153 Remember, Marc? 288 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,123 All the tables that ordered after us, already got their food. 289 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:59,126 First we ordered. Then that table, then them. 290 00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:03,063 ADULT ADAM: Like all mothers, my mom watched each table order like a hawk 291 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,098 so she knew when it was our turn to get served. 292 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:08,535 Then them, then them and then that big group over there with my dad. 293 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,537 They have names, Bevy. 294 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:15,008 This is Doug and Fran and Lee-Ann and little Bobby. 295 00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,376 I'll check on it right away, ma'am. 296 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,248 Oh, I'm getting shaky hungry. I'm gonna have some rolls. 297 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,550 No, Murray, no. Do not touch the rolls. 298 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:26,519 Oh, wait. Finally. Here it comes. 299 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:29,890 ADULT ADAM: At long last, our piping hot dinner was on its way to my family. 300 00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:33,326 And we would feast upon Beefsteak Charlie's finest meats. 301 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,729 And... Still not our order. 302 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,266 What in the actual ! 303 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:42,002 That waiter just gave them our food by mistake. 304 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,103 Those bastards. 305 00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,271 We gotta get our food. 306 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:45,939 Wait, like go take it from them. 307 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:47,574 I want my fish. 308 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,443 I'm getting shaky hungry. I can't wait. I gotta eat the rolls. 309 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:52,880 Don't touch the rolls. Geoff, Barry, let's go. 310 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,148 Really? Get the food from those poor people? 311 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,050 ADULT ADAM: Okay, you may not believe what happened next, 312 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:59,052 but this is all true, this happened. 313 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,888 Hi, hello. Uh, you have our food 314 00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,489 so we're just going to take that out of your way. 315 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,324 Are you sure? Uh, yeah. 316 00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,093 We ordered first and look at this. 317 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,995 That's medium plus, that's what I ordered. 318 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,729 That's rare. These are ours. Yeah. 319 00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:10,798 Sorry about the mix-up. 320 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:14,167 Oh, boy. Everybody look away 321 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,735 'cause this is not gonna be pretty. 322 00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:17,771 Damn it. I waited this whole time 323 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,206 and they still don't have my dinner. 324 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:22,309 Waiter, excuse me. My boy never got his river fish. 325 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,978 I'm not your waiter and where did this come from? 326 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,279 They took it from our table. 327 00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:27,948 Ma'am, this is not your food. 328 00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:30,717 Oh, no. Did we just touch and steal food from those nice people? 329 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:34,021 Okay, here we go every... Oh, boy. 330 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,523 ADULT ADAM: And that's when our dinner really did arrive. 331 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,627 Uh, hi, hello. Over here. 332 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,931 So sorry about the mix-up, you can just come and take your food back. 333 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,165 No. You poked it. 334 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,399 Well, it was just a little poke. 335 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:47,835 Uh, I didn't poke anything. 336 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,637 But I did. I jammed my thumb in there like a champ. 337 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:51,905 Many apologies, sir. 338 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,306 We'll rush out another order. 339 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:54,641 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going with that? 340 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,910 To throw it out. No, that's a waste. 341 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,711 Pack it up. We'll take it to go. 342 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,048 You want to take home the meal that wasn't yours? 343 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,250 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna throw it in a big garbage bag. 344 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,985 Why don't you put it in a little doggie bag? We'll take it. 345 00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,820 Okay, now he's actively stealing. 346 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,756 Don't look at me. I'm busy enjoying the other table's fries. 347 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:12,459 Sure, it's no problem. We'll wrap all of this. 348 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:19,032 ADULT ADAM: For my family, dining out wasn't about the quality of the food, 349 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,700 it was about the quantity. 350 00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,802 And it was best expressed with one word. 351 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,304 The portions, huh? 352 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:26,373 Such big portions. 353 00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:27,674 The biggest portions in town. 354 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,776 Can you believe the portions? 355 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,211 I don't like my large portion. 356 00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:32,712 This portion's not good. 357 00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,381 My portion's, like, huge. 358 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,884 Why are there three baked potatoes on here too? 359 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,318 It's madness. 360 00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,453 Psst! I'll trade you this fish for anything you got. 361 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,289 Dude, if I don't eat this while giant steak, 362 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,858 Mom's never gonna let me order off the adult menu again. 363 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,129 What's going with you? Is your little tummy full already? 364 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:51,899 Nope. Barry's just mad 'cause I'm gonna finish this all on my own. 365 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,533 I told you not to get that fish. 366 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,169 Geoff. I'm your best friend, 367 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,571 pour half of your soup into my glass. 368 00:13:58,638 --> 00:13:59,839 Geoff, do not. 369 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,308 I'm so hungry, please. 370 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,643 He knew better than to order trout at a steak house. 371 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,245 Don't support his bad judgment. 372 00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:06,947 Erica, please help me. 373 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,949 I wouldn't worry about it. Everything's gonna be sent back anyway. 374 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,050 What do you mean? 375 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:11,651 Oh, it's all going back. You'll see. 376 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,286 I don't wanna see. Just tell me what's gonna ha... 377 00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:18,926 ADULT ADAM: We finally began our meal and it tasted damn fine. 378 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:22,762 But fine was not good enough for my mom who always did this. 379 00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:26,133 Excuse me, waiter. Ugh. My fries are ice cold. 380 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,135 Hi, I kinda switched with Alex 381 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,569 'cause you keep ordering from him. 382 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,338 Feel them, ice cold. 383 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:35,208 Also, I ordered the T-bone a little pink inside, but it's way overdone. 384 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:36,709 I'll fix both of yours right away. 385 00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:40,313 Geoff, didn't you order a bowl of soup? That's a cup. 386 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,182 No, I'm fine, totally fine. 387 00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,284 It's not a problem. I'll take it back and make sure it's right. 388 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:45,585 If things are getting sent back, 389 00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:47,754 maybe I should get the petite filet 390 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,689 instead of this Longhorn Gutbuster? 391 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,025 Also please take back this stinky fish. 392 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:55,028 Oh, no. You got the fish, you keep the fish. 393 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,964 You all get to send back for new meat 394 00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:59,632 and I'm stuck with this old soggy trout? 395 00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:02,069 Do me a favor, uh, wrap that up, we'll take it. 396 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,771 You want me to wrap up the food you don't like? 397 00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:07,607 What is it with this restaurant and wasting food? 398 00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:09,176 We'll also have a refill on the soda. 399 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,112 And more rolls and straws and Sweet'n Low and more rolls. 400 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,548 ADULT ADAM: Like always, Barry hated his order. 401 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,751 As for the rest of us, we finally stopped yelling and started eating. 402 00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:20,153 At this point, my hungry dad 403 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,022 would go into a blissful food zone, 404 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,690 and then, this would happen. 405 00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:25,925 He'd choke. 406 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,694 Um, is your father okay? 407 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,197 Eh, he's fine. This is just what he does when he gets in the zone. 408 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,065 But he's choking. He'll power through it. 409 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,366 Doesn't seem like he will. 410 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,302 Trust us, there's plenty of air going around the meat. 411 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,603 There's no air. 412 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,338 Look at him. This is a full-on real choke. 413 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:41,508 No. Look, he's trying to put mushrooms on his fork right now. 414 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,476 Why is he doing that? Why does he continue to feed? 415 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:44,744 The man is dying. 416 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,046 What's with all the hubba? 417 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,081 I can't just sit here and let him choke like this. 418 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:51,884 Against my better judgment, I'm letting you know that this is the happiest my dad gets. 419 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,888 Don't worry, Mr. G. I'm a lifeguard at the JCC. 420 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,690 Arms up. Find the sternum. 421 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:58,758 Don't find the sternum. 422 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:01,028 Why are you touching me? Don't touch me. 423 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,129 GEOFF: I'm trying to save your life. 424 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,131 Why? Sit down. 425 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:07,600 ADULT ADAM: And with that, the Goldberg's officially broke the sweetest 426 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,768 boyfriend in the world. 427 00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:10,270 Waiter. Over here. 428 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,539 No. This has never been our waiter. 429 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:15,275 Look at his face. He's an entirely different person. 430 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:16,876 Geoff. You're making a scene. 431 00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:18,578 Oh, right. Because the last thing we want 432 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,313 is some unwanted negative attention. 433 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,416 This family should be barred from any and all dining establishments. 434 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,185 I'm talkin' Beefsteak Charlie's, 435 00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:27,854 China Garden, Applebee's, even Tony Roma's. 436 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,589 I hear they make a top-notch shrimp scampi. 437 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,891 Oh, my God. At a steak place you get steak 438 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,561 and in a place for ribs, you eat ribs with your dominant hand 439 00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:36,863 without complaining that the world is prejudiced against you. 440 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,565 Burn. He got you good. 441 00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,267 And you. You know, despite your age, 442 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,968 you still sound look like and sound like a tiny boy, 443 00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,170 so just order accordingly. 444 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,205 He's right, you barely touched steak. 445 00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:48,041 And, you. You turned your purse into a mini fridge. 446 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,542 You took an hour to order, 447 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:52,079 then stole food from that table and then sent it back. 448 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:56,049 Hey. We're trying to enjoy Devon's graduation dinner in peace. 449 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,717 And you. 450 00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,619 That's just a nice family trying to have a special meal together. 451 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:00,687 Leave them alone. 452 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:01,921 What's captain soup going on about? 453 00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,256 And you. 454 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,825 With your menu rules and your communal soda 455 00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:07,860 and your forcing me to just eat soup. 456 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:09,262 You think I didn't want steak? 457 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,563 I chose this place. 458 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,299 I love their meats and their sides 459 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,568 and why do you keep eating through everything I'm saying right now? 460 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,537 You know, you really are ruining our good people's name 461 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,005 and you know what I'm talking about. 462 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:22,075 * Happy birthday to you 463 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:25,078 * Happy birthday to you 464 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:29,316 * Happy birthday Erica and Geoff 465 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,820 * Happy birthday to both of you * 466 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,860 ADULT ADAM: It was time for the final stage of dinner, 467 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,862 the moment Beverly ceased to be a mother 468 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:45,598 and became the world's greatest forensic accountant. 469 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,170 Well, it's a good thing I travel with my calculator 470 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:52,705 because we are being aggressively overcharged. 471 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,241 Okay, the cake is free, 472 00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,508 double check there's no cake out there. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. 473 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,876 I'm gonna go outside. BEVERLY: Waiter, 474 00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:59,212 it says we're being charged for a larger steak 475 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,114 when my son switched to the petite. 476 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,150 And don't forget one soda, make sure. 477 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:06,153 Also you said you'd take off for the icy cold fries. 478 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:09,822 Zero cake, one soda, triple check. 479 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,558 All right, Murray, you're just slowing me down. 480 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,193 All right, which one of you is the waiter? 481 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,394 I'll tell you who your waiter was. 482 00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:15,595 No, no, Alex, it's not worth it. 483 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,397 You're right, you're right. 484 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,034 Hey. 485 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,906 Look, I don't need to hear I told you so. 486 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:29,142 I just wanted to be closer to your family, 487 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,344 but I made a mess of everything. 488 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,147 No. You didn't. 489 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,115 Look, I have to admit something. 490 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,652 I love you, but I never thought 491 00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:43,022 that we could go the distance because I didn't think you could handle my family. 492 00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:44,924 But... 493 00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:49,729 Man, the way you stood up to them was awesome. 494 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,431 You're one of us, Geoff. 495 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,333 You think? 496 00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,034 I know. 497 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:56,869 MURRAY: Bap-bap. 498 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,272 Remember, you guys are twins. 499 00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,674 Keep the lie up until I get my credit card back. 500 00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:03,075 We're having a moment, Dad. 501 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:06,746 I need to have a moment with Soupy Sales if you don't mind. 502 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,582 Don't worry. I'll be very nice. I promise. 503 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,590 Look, before you say anything, 504 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:21,228 just let me apologize for, you know, grabbing you 505 00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:24,130 and yelling at you and suggesting that you're a thief. 506 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,366 What are you apologizing for? 507 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,035 That's what happens at all our dinners. 508 00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:31,971 So you're not mad? Even about the soup? 509 00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:36,142 The next time, you can have soup and an entree. 510 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,911 Wow, that's... 511 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:40,012 Really? 512 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,582 Just don't tell the others. 513 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,851 ADULT ADAM: That night, Geoff did the impossible. 514 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,886 He survived dinner with the Goldbergs. 515 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:49,556 But even better, he gained my Dad's respect. 516 00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:56,028 Thank you for making sure my schmoo had a great birthday. 517 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:57,430 It was a special night. 518 00:19:57,497 --> 00:20:00,267 Yeah, I certainly will never forget it. 519 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:07,907 GEOFF: And they're gone. 520 00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,443 At least until they realize, they left Pops inside. 521 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:13,846 Wait, he's still in there talking to that couple that just got engaged? 522 00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:15,181 For sure. 523 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,016 So do you wanna go get actual food now? 524 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:20,420 Yeah, all I had was soup and Barry stole half of it. 525 00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:23,256 ADULT ADAM: In the end, this dinner with the Goldbergs was just like any other. 526 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,858 It was noisy, messy, highly embarrassing 527 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:30,330 but somehow we always left feeling closer and our hearts filled with love. 528 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,965 And my mom's purse filled with rolls. 529 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,611 MAN: Barry! Barry! 530 00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:50,016 WAITERS: * Happy birthday to you 531 00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,424 Breakfast is served. 532 00:20:57,490 --> 00:21:01,328 The only thing better than eating out is leftovers the next day. 533 00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:04,497 Steak and eggs for you. Steak and eggs for you and for Barry, 534 00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:07,534 a fishy scramble made from last night's half eaten trout. 535 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,269 What? That thing should've never left the restaurant. 536 00:21:10,337 --> 00:21:13,506 And let it go to waste. Oh, no, mister. You eat that fishy scramble. 537 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:15,342 I don't want the fishy scramble. 538 00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:17,610 You eat that fishy scramble right now. 539 00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:19,245 Ugh! 540 00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:23,015 Mm. Wow. This fishy scramble is yummy. 541 00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:24,684 Want to get on this, Adam? I'm good. 542 00:21:24,751 --> 00:21:27,654 How about you old man? It's like fish scramble heaven over here. 543 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,356 Please take that plate away from me. 544 00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:30,757 Eat it!