1 00:00:01,869 --> 00:00:04,072 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, America was obsessed with running. 2 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:07,175 From Flo Jo and Carl Lewis to Chariots of Fire, 3 00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:09,410 from this running man to this running man, 4 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:11,779 everyone was feeling that runner's high. 5 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,047 Well, everyone except me. 6 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,282 (WHISTLE BLOWS) Come Friday, 7 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:17,451 all of you will be doing the state-mandated mile run. 8 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,153 Here's how it works. 9 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,722 You run a mile, I time you, 10 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:26,394 then I inform the state of how alarmingly inert the modern child has become. 11 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,728 Question. 12 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:30,364 Why is the state so determined to make us move our bodies? 13 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:31,799 Yeah, why focus on us? 14 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,867 It's like what are they running from? 15 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,703 This run is not up for debate. 16 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:39,307 It is law written clear as day in the state's constitution. 17 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,909 Balls. You've won this round, Pennsylvania, 18 00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:45,379 but you've messed with the wrong inactive citizen. 19 00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:46,447 What? 20 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,915 How can they force you to run 21 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,750 when your bones are still growing? 22 00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:51,919 Excessive movement stunts your growth. 23 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,621 That's what I said! 24 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,824 Well, don't you worry, because mama will run a million miles 25 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,059 to help her baby not run one. 26 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:00,861 Just for that, I'm handing out free sugar. 27 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,130 Get in here and grab a lump. 28 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,264 Ooh! 29 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:05,766 You love it. You love it. 30 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,168 "Still growing"? 31 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,269 That's your excuse? 32 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:09,470 Yeah, it's a super bummer, 33 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,472 but what are you gonna do? A note's a note. 34 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:14,675 I didn't think your mother could top "preparing for a haircut." 35 00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,510 I didn't, either. I was impressed, too. 36 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,846 Shame on you. What would William Penn himself say 37 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,448 if he was standing here right now? 38 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,416 "Why aren't you all working the fields? Winter is coming." 39 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,852 Indeed, he would be mystified by our modern world, 40 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,854 but he'd also be very disappointed in you. 41 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,923 I can live with that. Well, looks like Goldfarb 42 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,692 will not be joining you in the mile run. 43 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:32,860 So lame! What a weenie! 44 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,328 You suck, Goldnerd! 45 00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:35,829 Pfft. I can live with that, as well. 46 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:37,465 The good news is, the note says 47 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,433 nothing about him playing goalie, 48 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:42,102 which is what he's going to do right now. 49 00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:43,537 Fire away! 50 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,339 Oh, stop! I'm still growing! 51 00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,441 Re... Read the note! Read the note! 52 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,111 * I'm twisted up inside 53 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:54,748 * But nonetheless I feel the need to say 54 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,819 * I don't know the future 55 00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:02,456 * But the past keeps getting clearer every day * 56 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,493 ADULT ADAM: It was January 16th, 1980-something. 57 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,795 Lainey Lewis had left to pursue her dreams. 58 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,730 But back home, it wasn't so dreamy. 59 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,632 BARRY: I can't believe she actually left. 60 00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:12,800 I know! 61 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,968 How could Lainey just ditch our band? 62 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,205 Now it's just me and my rhythm-challenged drummer. 63 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:18,339 I agree. 64 00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:19,740 Lainey's talent made up for my lack of skill, 65 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,542 and now I'm totally exposed. 66 00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:22,910 You think you miss her? 67 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,313 My baby girl left me in an empty nest. 68 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:28,382 Who's gonna make sure I have towels? Who? 69 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,484 The JTP's heartbroken, too, bro. 70 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,085 ALL: JTP. 71 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,188 I just don't know when the achy feeling in my heart place 72 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:35,423 is gonna go away. 73 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,157 Soon enough, pal. Just take it day by day. 74 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,759 Don't say "day." 75 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,928 Days are how Lainey measured the passing of time. 76 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,364 Isn't that how everyone measures the passing of time? 77 00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:45,266 You knew her so well, Andrew. 78 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,501 Thank you for understanding my pain, 79 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,270 even though you have a tiny peanut heart 80 00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:51,772 like a little hummingbird. 81 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,542 Okay, it's a normal-sized heart, but... 82 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,244 Bevy, how much longer is this gonna go on? 83 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,911 I want my den back. 84 00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:01,382 Our babies are devastated, and all you can think about is your stupid den? 85 00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:03,717 That's where the TV is. That's my baby. 86 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:07,355 Ugh, I can't stand to see their precious hearts hurting this much. 87 00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:08,556 I have to fix this. No. 88 00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:11,124 Do not try and fix their feelings. I mean it. 89 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,627 But that's a mama's job, to fix everything 90 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,629 so they never learn pain or sadness. 91 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:16,964 It's very healthy. 92 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,432 No, it's not. 93 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:21,402 You soak up all their misery like a sadness sponge, 94 00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:22,636 and then you're a wreck. 95 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,771 It only makes things worse. 96 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,573 Not this time. (SIGHS) 97 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,208 Those little pickles need someone to be their rock, 98 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:31,245 and damn it, that someone is me. 99 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:34,815 (CRYING) 100 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:38,452 Your pain is overwhelming all my senses! 101 00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:39,787 (CRYING CONTINUES) 102 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:40,954 Hey, Mr. G. 103 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,189 I made everyone a nice chamomile tea. 104 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:44,325 You want a mug? You're such a... (BLEEP) 105 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:45,426 Great. 106 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,961 (CRYING) Come into the mom cocoon! 107 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:51,164 I'll snug you until you emerge happy butterflies! 108 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,834 (CRYING) This is obviously our worst and only option! 109 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,936 (ALL CRYING) Yes, it is. 110 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,971 Is it me, or is she making them sadder? 111 00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,507 For once, it's not you. 112 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,742 It's up to us to help those morons move on. 113 00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,744 Sounds like you're including me in a plan to save your family. 114 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:04,812 I'm honored, sir! 115 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,514 Why ya gotta make everything so stupid? 116 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,148 That's on me... Partner. 117 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,587 Okay, after doing lots of research 118 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,456 in psychology and behavioral science, 119 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,725 I have compiled a list of ways to make everyone feel better. 120 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:19,860 This is stupid. 121 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,629 I know how to cheer up kids. 122 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:22,996 They need four things. 123 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:26,099 Stuff, sandwiches, songs, Sixers. 124 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,602 This took me like eight hours, but let's hear your thing. 125 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,203 First I buy 'em stuff. 126 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,939 Stuff makes 'em happy. Uh-huh. 127 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,174 Then I take them to the drive-thru at Arby's. 128 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,643 Kids love Arby's. 129 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,811 They got roast beef. Yeah, no, I've been to Arby's. 130 00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:41,281 Then we drive around, and I play happy songs to make 'em happy. 131 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,283 And then? Then I got Sixers tickets 132 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,185 'cause nothing makes people happier 133 00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:47,287 than watching Dr. J dunk on the Knicks! 134 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:48,556 And then? 135 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:51,058 Then you go home happy and you stay that way! 136 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,560 Okay, uh, devil's advocate? 137 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,328 Uh, maybe all that stuff has worked in the past, 138 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,830 but I'm not sure how slam dunks are gonna solve this. 139 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:59,867 Devil's advocate to your devil's advocate, shut up. 140 00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,201 We're doing your thing. 141 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,737 (BELL RINGS) 142 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,674 That's class! Enjoy the mile run, suckas! 143 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,877 Looks like we'll be chillin' right here with you, sucka. 144 00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,380 We forced our moms to write us notes, too. What? 145 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,981 "My son has water on the knee 146 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,517 and cannot run, jog, or trot." 147 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:17,885 Don't you dare hand that in! 148 00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,187 "Daniel Morse is suffering from puberty pains." 149 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,855 Obviously you are, but still! 150 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,157 "Dave Kim has 'The Andromeda Strain'." 151 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,994 Come on! We can't all lie about our feeble bodies. 152 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,429 Mellor will see right through it. 153 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:29,697 Damn it. He's right. 154 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,565 Gym is pointless, and so is Mellor. 155 00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,367 All he does is push us out of our comfort zone. 156 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,102 The zone I love being in! 157 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,705 Sometimes I wish he would just go away and leave us alone. 158 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,272 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 159 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,409 Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you with heavy heart 160 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,344 and wildly jacked delts to announce 161 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,313 that I am leaving William Penn Academy. 162 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,315 What? 163 00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:50,217 The truth is, I've been offered my dream job 164 00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,020 coaching the country's best wrestlers for the Olympics. 165 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,254 Wow. Where? 166 00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:56,390 Just 30 minutes away at the Foxcatcher Farm, 167 00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:59,593 owned by the wild-eyed eccentric billionaire John du Pont. 168 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,695 But why would a billionaire want to coach wrestlers? 169 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,297 Hard to say. He's an intense fella. 170 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,299 Either way, it's an opportunity of a lifetime 171 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,968 with zero chance of ending badly. 172 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,570 Proud of you, coach. You're the man. 173 00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:10,871 We'll miss you every day. 174 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,406 Yeah, big blow. 175 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,042 Point of procedure, what happens with the mile run? 176 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,277 The mile run is hereby postponed 177 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:21,949 until the school can find a suitable, inferior replacement for me. 178 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,150 (VOICE BREAKING) Damn it, Rick, 179 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,652 you said you wouldn't let your eyes sweat. 180 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,821 Walk it off, big guy! 181 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,057 Let's go maximize what little time we have left with him! 182 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,393 Yes, oh, yeah, yeah! 183 00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:34,995 Such a bummer, guys! 184 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,064 We feel so bad. 185 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,932 (WHISPERING) Mellor's gone! 186 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,435 (ALL QUIETLY CHANTING "MELLOR'S GONE!") 187 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,972 (CHANTING GROWS LOUDER) 188 00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,776 ADULT ADAM: While we were happy Coach was leaving, 189 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:51,579 my mom took a stab at curing everyone's depression. 190 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,080 That's right. 191 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,583 Focus on the fudge and not the fact that 192 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:59,086 you may never have love, music, or a daughter ever again. 193 00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,387 Oh, damn it. 194 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,956 She's pouring a gallon of sadness on their fire. 195 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,257 We gotta get rid of her. 196 00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,426 Got it. But how? 197 00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:08,762 I'll take care of it, and I'm sorry. 198 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,097 Hey, Bevy! 199 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,332 The boy here needs his sweater bedazzled, 200 00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:14,535 and he said you wouldn't be good at it. 201 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,037 Geoff Schwartz, let's go! Move! 202 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,706 All right, you sad sacks. 203 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,907 Enough moping. 204 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:22,476 It's time to get out for a day of dad fun. 205 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,977 Pass! (MUFFLED) Please, just go, 206 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:25,378 and let us be miserable in peace. 207 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,315 Why be miserable here when you can go out 208 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:31,151 and listen to your brand-new car stereo! 209 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:32,853 What? No way! 210 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,557 Mur! This is the fancy kind where you pop off the face and take it with you, 211 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,126 and then car thieves are like, "What?" 212 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:40,494 MURRAY: And that's not all. 213 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:41,962 You know what's in that car stereo? 214 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,631 Is that a compact disc? 215 00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,799 You said this family fully invested in the cassette 216 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,535 and there were no new formats we'd ever need! 217 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:51,304 So what do you say we drive around, listen to music, 218 00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,707 and eat some of our favorite meats! 219 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,843 That's right! We're going to Arby's! 220 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,344 But that's top-shelf fast food! 221 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,747 We only get that as a treat after we go to the dentist. 222 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:00,914 Their fries are curly! 223 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,550 That's a special-occasions potato. 224 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,984 And that's just the start. 225 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:06,920 I also got us tickets to the 76ers game! 226 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,321 No way! 227 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,923 Hey, feels good to stand. 228 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,925 Why don't you put on some clothes, and we'll head on out? 229 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:17,097 Ah, look who's a big, sparkly man! 230 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,532 It's me. 231 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,901 Damn it, Schwartz. (QUIETLY) I told you to keep her occupied. 232 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,536 I tried! She bedazzles like the wind! 233 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,204 I didn't even have to take the sweater off! 234 00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:26,840 ADULT ADAM: And so my dad piled everyone in the car, 235 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,209 dead set on lifting their spirits. 236 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,277 On, off. 237 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,213 On, off, on, off! 238 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:36,216 Stereo bandits have met their match! 239 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,351 Well, Bill's happy. What about the rest of you? 240 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:39,519 My life is garbage. 241 00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,254 Lainey would throw stuff in the garbage. 242 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:44,024 That was her thing... When she had trash. 243 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,359 Murray, just turn the car around and take us home. 244 00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:49,129 No! We're going to the Sixers game, and we're gonna be happy! 245 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:52,032 Here, listen to this music disc and smile, damn it! 246 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,467 * If you like pina coladas * God, turn it off! 247 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,137 These joyful words just remind me of my own misery. 248 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,039 Hey, what's going on up there? I hear shouting! 249 00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,208 It's like the song is rubbing its happiness 250 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,610 into our sad faces! 251 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:03,777 Stop pushing buttons! 252 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,912 You're just fast-forwarding the song! 253 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,114 We need it to make you happy! 254 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,116 (GRUNTS) Uh, wait, wait, wait. 255 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,417 (GROANS) Murray, 256 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,252 I think the kids broke the stereo's face. 257 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:14,087 Relax, it just clicks back... 258 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,823 Oh, no, it's not clicking back on. 259 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,090 BARRY: Give it to me! 260 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,558 I'll align the delicate components with force! 261 00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,293 Just turn it off, Murray! 262 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,496 I can't! It's now a stereo without buttons! 263 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,065 We'll just wait for the song to end! 264 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:28,135 * Come with me and escape * 265 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:29,236 (SONG ENDS) 266 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,739 (SIGHING) 267 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,574 (RUPERT HOLMES' ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG) PLAYS) BARRY: Oh, my God. 268 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:37,010 What's happening? It started over. It's on repeat! 269 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,679 It's just gonna play over and over! * If you like pina coladas * 270 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:39,980 We're stuck in a happy loop! 271 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,949 I don't feel happy! I feel anger! 272 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,417 My anger is growing! GEOFF: I don't know how much longer I can roll around... 273 00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:47,520 ADULT ADAM: Yep, my dad's happy plan just turned everyone angry. 274 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,757 Meanwhile, Coach Mellor's plan was to find his replacement. 275 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:53,593 After an extensive search, I'd like you all to meet Neelo Green. 276 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:55,595 Sup. 277 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:56,664 ALL: Sup. 278 00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,165 Take it away, Coach Green. 279 00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,200 Layups, two lines. 280 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,369 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 281 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,073 Y'all terrible! 282 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,176 All day long! 283 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,444 Terrible. 284 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,747 You sure about this guy? He seems a little bonkers. 285 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,783 Hey, every coach has his methods. 286 00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,685 Sometimes the crazier the better. 287 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:20,187 In my gym, we got two rules. 288 00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:22,155 Number one, we never give up! 289 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,623 We're on the same page. 290 00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:24,792 Number two, 291 00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:27,527 aliens are real and they walk among us! 292 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:28,896 Different page... 293 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,497 Now I want to see some squats! 294 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:31,899 Back on track. 295 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,302 When the invasion happens, you will be probed. 296 00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:39,406 And trust me, you do not want to be probed. 297 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,009 It is very unpleasant! 298 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,011 Okay, we're gonna keep on looking. 299 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,481 (HORNS HONKING) ADULT ADAM: It was hour three in the car, 300 00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:51,551 and my dad's plan to cheer everyone up was at a dead standstill. 301 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:55,022 * If you like pina coladas * No, I do not like pina coladas! I hate them! 302 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,656 I hate all frozen beverages! 303 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:57,925 I'm unraveling! 304 00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:01,061 Oh, no, Barry's unraveling! Oh, don't unravel, boofie. 305 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:02,495 Just ignore the song. 306 00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:05,866 I can't! My only thoughts are these delightful lyrics! 307 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,768 Just drive the car, Murray! Punch it! 308 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,102 Drive anywhere! 309 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,370 I can't! 310 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,706 There's construction up and down 95! 311 00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,607 There's no way out! 312 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,843 (SONG ENDS) 313 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,181 Could it be? 314 00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,851 (RUPERT HOLMES' ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG) PLAYS) Nope! Can't do it! 315 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,086 Bill, no! We're on the expressway! 316 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,856 I hate you all! (ROARS) 317 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:33,426 * I'm the love that you've looked for 318 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,462 * Write to me and escape * (BILL GRUNTS) 319 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,964 Good news, class! 320 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,899 After a pretty big false start, 321 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:42,369 I finally found a perfect replacement for Coach Mellor! 322 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,537 My brother! Coach Mellor! 323 00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,609 Oh, balls. 324 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,178 What is that giant man doing here? 325 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:52,479 He coaches college football! 326 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:53,847 Not anymore. 327 00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:56,984 After my mutual decision to be fired from Villanova, 328 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,186 I decided to be a more... 329 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,288 Caring and sensitive coach. 330 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,623 I guess you could say I've Mellor'd out. 331 00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:05,993 (LAUGHS) Nice. 332 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,895 Gentle? Playful puns? 333 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,296 I'm digging this guy. 334 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,999 Look, I know you guys got the mile run you got to do, 335 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,101 but I say, no more. 336 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,903 In fact, if there's anybody 337 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,670 that would prefer to be elsewhere, 338 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:21,741 like computer lab or theater practice, just go. 339 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,710 I believe people should follow their dreams. 340 00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,314 (WHISTLE BLOWS) Busted! 341 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,349 Now I know who doesn't wanna be here! 342 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,818 Oh, no! It was a trap! 343 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,319 And we were immediately exposed! 344 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,822 The mile run is back on. 345 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:35,956 Move! 346 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,759 I'm sorry I fell! 347 00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:42,262 Don't eat me! 348 00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:45,298 (VOICE BREAKING) I'm just so glad to see this job is staying in the family. 349 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:46,366 Ow. 350 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,935 ADULT ADAM: We were doomed. 351 00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,803 I had to make sure original Coach Mellor never left us, 352 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,204 and I wouldn't take no for an answer. 353 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,106 No. Come on, man! 354 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,475 I suddenly recognize you have value. 355 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,477 Just because me and Nick have different methods, 356 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,712 doesn't mean his is wrong. Sure it does! 357 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,649 The point is, we're both trying to teach you the same thing, 358 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,185 to be a winner, not a Rosie Ruiz. 359 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:06,286 A Rosie Who-now? 360 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,354 Okay, Goldfarb. 361 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,689 One last lesson before I go... 362 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,825 ADULT ADAM: That lesson was about Rosie Ruiz, 363 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:13,693 a world-class runner in the '80s, 364 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,896 famous for winning the Boston Marathon 365 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,430 by taking the subway. 366 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,798 REPORTER: Rosie, have you been doing a lot of heavy intervals? 367 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,200 Um, someone else asked me that, 368 00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:21,534 and I'm not sure what intervals are. 369 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:24,471 This woman cheated to win the Boston Marathon? 370 00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,206 And no one noticed? Nope. 371 00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:27,875 Everybody was too caught up in the excitement 372 00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,510 that an unfit woman who knew nothing about the sport 373 00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:34,214 didn't even break a sweat while shattering a world record. 374 00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:37,817 Wow. That is so wrong. Yeah. 375 00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,054 She took the subway? 376 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,422 The subway! 377 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,992 Everyone has a sports hero, and Rosie Ruiz is mine. 378 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:47,094 Controversial, but okay. 379 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,162 That's why during the mile run, I'll jump into your car, 380 00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,597 and you can drive me to the finish line? 381 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,900 Aw, kiddo. I... I can't help you. 382 00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,167 'Cause cheating is wrong? 383 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:57,237 No! Cheating's that rush that keeps me ticking. 384 00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,772 I can't help you 'cause I don't have a license. 385 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,241 You're really gonna let the state 386 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:02,842 tell you you can't drive? 387 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,912 The same state that says I have to run a mile? 388 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,446 But you can run a mile. 389 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,115 And you can drive a mile. 390 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,751 That I can. Screw the state, I'm in! 391 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,253 ADULT ADAM: Just like Rosie Ruiz, 392 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,455 I would cheat my way out of the mile run. 393 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,557 All I needed was the perfect excuse. 394 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:20,827 You guys go ahead! I'm getting a cramp in my running muscles! 395 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,733 Hey, what's Goldberg doing? 396 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,369 Cheating! How dare he! 397 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,138 And I want in. 398 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,239 ADAM: Punch it, Pops! 399 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,807 I think your friends are on to us. 400 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,643 Let us in on this or we're ratting you out. 401 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,745 Fine! We'll do a group Rosie Ruiz. 402 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:41,148 Who's that? My sports hero, just get in. 403 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:45,352 My God! 404 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,254 You kids broke the five-minute mark! 405 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,990 Who knew we had Olympic-level runners in our midst! 406 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,724 Now we can take State! 407 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,026 Are you kidding me with this? 408 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,395 I told you not to be Rosie Ruiz! 409 00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,764 In my defense, I didn't know you'd be here! 410 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,132 You cheated. 411 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:00,300 NICK: Is that the thing you learned from me? 412 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:01,634 Why does it even matter? 413 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,937 We're not your star athletes. 414 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,738 You won't even remember us in 20 years. 415 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:06,940 COACH MELLOR: Is that right? 416 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,241 You think I taught at this school 417 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,143 for the Ruben Amaro Jrs. of this world? 418 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,579 Being that he's gonna be a major-league player, yeah? 419 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,647 Okay, fine. He's a nice perk. 420 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,583 But the real reason I do this job 421 00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:19,386 is to help kids who hate gym believe in themselves. 422 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:24,124 Guess I inspired you to be nothing. 423 00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:25,993 ADULT ADAM: Turns out, pulling a Rosie Ruiz 424 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,860 was a real disappointment for Coach. 425 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:31,298 And for my family, things were even less rosy. 426 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:34,934 * Yes, I like pina coladas 427 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:38,005 * And getting caught in the rain * 428 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,606 I don't really hear the song anymore. 429 00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,941 It's become a part of me. BARRY: Oh, my God! 430 00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,377 I've gone from loving the song to hating it, 431 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,646 but now I kinda respect and enjoy it, 432 00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,115 but also fear it! 433 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,550 No, don't give into the pina colada, man! You gotta fight it! 434 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,185 Fine! Let's go home! 435 00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:53,320 Screw it! We'll do it! 436 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,921 I'll break all the laws to get there! 437 00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,223 BARRY: Good! ERICA: Let's do it! 438 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,825 BEVERLY: Oh, Murray, Murray! There's a cop! 439 00:15:58,891 --> 00:15:59,892 I see the cop! 440 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,228 Maybe he hasn't seen us! 441 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,662 He's looking right at us! 442 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,231 Well, act casual! Don't look at him! 443 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,498 Aw, damn it! I looked! 444 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,701 Oh, no, we're making direct eye contact! 445 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,003 License and registration. 446 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,138 What? 447 00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:13,473 Turn off the pina-colada song, sir! 448 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,908 What? Just get out of the car. 449 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,910 We're gonna get out of the car now 450 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,846 because we can't hear you! 451 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,982 I'm giving you a ticket for riding in the breakdown lane. 452 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,717 Well, my family's having a breakdown. 453 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:25,918 Doesn't that count for something? 454 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,487 It does not. (SCOFFS) 455 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,890 Great! He's writing me a ticket. Are you happy? 456 00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,525 No! We didn't want any of this, Dad! 457 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,227 Yeah, they were perfectly fine at home 458 00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,928 in their warm mom cocoon! 459 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,598 Fine! You wanna mope around for the rest of your lives, 460 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:39,832 mope away! 461 00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,701 Please, you didn't do any of this for them. 462 00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:43,370 All you wanted was peace and quiet 463 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,672 so you could watch TV again. 464 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,307 You think I don't miss Lainey? 465 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,277 I watched that girl grow up. 466 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,878 She's like a daughter to me. 467 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,613 But I can't ever say that 468 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,249 because I'm supposed to be the strong one for this family, 469 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:59,086 who's never allowed to feel sad. 470 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,221 And that makes it hurt even worse. 471 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,528 ADULT ADAM: My dad's plan to cheer up the family had backfired, 472 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,530 and now he was sadder than anyone. 473 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,639 Stop looking at me! I'm fine. 474 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,441 In all fairness, it's hard to look away 475 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,976 knowing you're all mushy inside and missing Lainey, too. 476 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,079 I thought you only get sad when the Eagles lose. 477 00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,814 I do! Now drop it, okay? 478 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,182 You want a huggy? No! 479 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,783 How about laying on some warm laundry? 480 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,319 What am I, a cat? No. 481 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,487 Do you want my garlic bread? No. 482 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,622 Y... Yes. 483 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,124 But other than garlic bread, I'm fine! 484 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,426 Let's just eat and feel nothing. 485 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:42,462 ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately, the silence only made everyone's mind 486 00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,764 wander back to an unlikely little ditty 487 00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:47,100 about a frozen island drink. 488 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,902 (SINGSONG VOICE) Do-do-do, do-do-do-do. 489 00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:52,472 Oh, no. 490 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,507 (SINGSONG VOICE) Do-do-do-do, do-do-do. 491 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,143 Don't! I just got it out of my head! 492 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,812 * If you like pina coladas 493 00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,148 I really don't. 494 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,682 BOTH: * And getting caught in the rain 495 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,151 No one wants to be wet! 496 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,052 * If you're not into yoga 497 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:07,254 I'm not into any of this! 498 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,955 BOTH: * If you have half a brain 499 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,357 You have half a brain, morons! 500 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,392 * If you love making love at midnight 501 00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:14,261 Midnight? That's a whole new day. 502 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,663 BOTH: * In the dunes of the cape 503 00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:19,299 I hate that we all know the words to this song. 504 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,701 ALL: * I'm the love that you've looked for 505 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,803 * Write to me and escape 506 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,840 I like pina coladas. 507 00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:29,242 (STRAINING) And? 508 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,346 And... Getting caught in the rain. 509 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:36,048 ALL: * I got to meet you by tomorrow noon 510 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,550 Aw, damn it, it's working! 511 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,918 ALL: * Through all this red tape 512 00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,820 MURRAY: I feel happy. This is terrible. 513 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,322 ADULT ADAM: As unlikely as it seemed, 514 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,824 my dad's plan saved our family. 515 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,893 And for the first time since Lainey left, 516 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,961 things didn't feel so sad. * Yes, I like pina coladas * 517 00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:50,497 Even better, our dad learned 518 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:53,300 he didn't always have to be the strong one. 519 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:57,237 And even though my family never may have made it to the Sixers game in person, 520 00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,672 they did get to watch Charles Barkley 521 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:02,342 dominate on the court together. 522 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:05,378 As for me and my friends, we finally ran our first mile. 523 00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:08,047 And, yeah, it was probably the slowest mile in school history, 524 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,882 but thanks to some great coaching, 525 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,018 we pushed ourselves, didn't give up, 526 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,753 and made it across that finish line. 527 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:17,357 And... Eighteen minutes and 27 seconds. 528 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,025 Now, that I believe. 529 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,993 Did we pass? Congrats. 530 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,630 Thanks, Coach. 531 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:25,698 Don't thank me. 532 00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,867 Truth is, I was gonna let you bail, 533 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,802 but Rick said you had it in you. 534 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,106 Your brother really is one hell of a coach. 535 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,075 Maybe that's something you ought to let him know. 536 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,511 * I knew her smile in an instant 537 00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:41,648 * I knew the curve of her face * 538 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,616 Coach, wait. 539 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,118 I ran the mile. For real. 540 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,954 I didn't doubt you for a second. 541 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,357 Before you go... 542 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,759 I want you to know how much you taught me. 543 00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:54,193 Well, that's nice to say. 544 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:55,528 But it's true. 545 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,964 You taught me to give 110%, 546 00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,800 and that rubbing dirt on a bruise will cure it. 547 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,201 But most of all, 548 00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:05,572 you taught all the kids like me to never give up. 549 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,374 Just doing my job, Goldberg. 550 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,910 Hey, you got my name right. 551 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,279 Only 'cause you've earned it. 552 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:18,951 ADULT ADAM: Back then, Coach Mellor always said 553 00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:21,120 one day I would come to appreciate him. 554 00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:23,956 Turns out, that day came when he made me run that mile. 555 00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,259 And it continues even now. 556 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:29,095 All you need in life is a good coach to remind you that 557 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,598 it's not about just making it to the finish line. 558 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,733 It's about what it takes to get there. 559 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,404 * Come with me and escape * 560 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,143 The, uh, first award that we have is the coach's award. 561 00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,278 (BELL DINGS) 562 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:53,820 What can I say? I will always love you. 563 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,855 Dude, you got to stop this. 564 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:56,989 You're just hurting yourself. 565 00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:58,525 Trust me. You're gonna be fine. 566 00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,959 Don't say "fine." 567 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,160 Lainey was fine. 568 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:02,962 That was her thing, being fine. 569 00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:05,131 Okay, we got to cheer you up. 570 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,966 How about we go play smashball at the Wawa? 571 00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:10,169 (SIGHS) Lainey used to go to the Wawa. That was her thing. 572 00:21:10,236 --> 00:21:12,439 We could go toilet-paper Principal Ball's house. 573 00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:15,342 Lainey used to use toilet paper. That was her thing. 574 00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:16,676 Okay... 575 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:19,779 Oh! I know how to prove you can find love again. 576 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,381 We can watch a teen rom com. 577 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,483 (CRYING) Lainey used to love teen rom coms! 578 00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:25,251 That was her thing. 579 00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:26,519 (TISSUE BOX SLAMS)