ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, America was obsessed with running.
From Flo Jo and Carl Lewis to Chariots of Fire,
from this running man to this running man,
everyone was feeling that runner's high.
Well, everyone except me.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Come Friday,
all of you will be doing the state-mandated mile run.
Here's how it works.
You run a mile, I time you,
then I inform the state of how alarmingly inert the modern child has become.
Question.
Why is the state so determined to make us move our bodies?
Yeah, why focus on us?
It's like what are they running from?
This run is not up for debate.
It is law written clear as day in the state's constitution.
Balls. You've won this round, Pennsylvania,
but you've messed with the wrong inactive citizen.
What?
How can they force you to run
when your bones are still growing?
Excessive movement stunts your growth.
That's what I said!
Well, don't you worry, because mama will run a million miles
to help her baby not run one.
Just for that, I'm handing out free sugar.
Get in here and grab a lump.
Ooh!
You love it. You love it.
"Still growing"?
That's your excuse?
Yeah, it's a super bummer,
but what are you gonna do? A note's a note.
I didn't think your mother could top "preparing for a haircut."
I didn't, either. I was impressed, too.
Shame on you. What would William Penn himself say
if he was standing here right now?
"Why aren't you all working the fields? Winter is coming."
Indeed, he would be mystified by our modern world,
but he'd also be very disappointed in you.
I can live with that. Well, looks like Goldfarb
will not be joining you in the mile run.
So lame! What a weenie!
You suck, Goldnerd!
Pfft. I can live with that, as well.
The good news is, the note says
nothing about him playing goalie,
which is what he's going to do right now.
Fire away!
Oh, stop! I'm still growing!
Re... Read the note! Read the note!
* I'm twisted up inside
* But nonetheless I feel the need to say
* I don't know the future
* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *
ADULT ADAM: It was January 16th, 1980-something.
Lainey Lewis had left to pursue her dreams.
But back home, it wasn't so dreamy.
BARRY: I can't believe she actually left.
I know!
How could Lainey just ditch our band?
Now it's just me and my rhythm-challenged drummer.
I agree.
Lainey's talent made up for my lack of skill,
and now I'm totally exposed.
You think you miss her?
My baby girl left me in an empty nest.
Who's gonna make sure I have towels? Who?
The JTP's heartbroken, too, bro.
ALL: JTP.
I just don't know when the achy feeling in my heart place
is gonna go away.
Soon enough, pal. Just take it day by day.
Don't say "day."
Days are how Lainey measured the passing of time.
Isn't that how everyone measures the passing of time?
You knew her so well, Andrew.
Thank you for understanding my pain,
even though you have a tiny peanut heart
like a little hummingbird.
Okay, it's a normal-sized heart, but...
Bevy, how much longer is this gonna go on?
I want my den back.
Our babies are devastated, and all you can think about is your stupid den?
That's where the TV is. That's my baby.
Ugh, I can't stand to see their precious hearts hurting this much.
I have to fix this. No.
Do not try and fix their feelings. I mean it.
But that's a mama's job, to fix everything
so they never learn pain or sadness.
It's very healthy.
No, it's not.
You soak up all their misery like a sadness sponge,
and then you're a wreck.
It only makes things worse.
Not this time. (SIGHS)
Those little pickles need someone to be their rock,
and damn it, that someone is me.
(CRYING)
Your pain is overwhelming all my senses!
(CRYING CONTINUES)
Hey, Mr. G.
I made everyone a nice chamomile tea.
You want a mug? You're such a... (BLEEP)
Great.
(CRYING) Come into the mom cocoon!
I'll snug you until you emerge happy butterflies!
(CRYING) This is obviously our worst and only option!
(ALL CRYING) Yes, it is.
Is it me, or is she making them sadder?
For once, it's not you.
It's up to us to help those morons move on.
Sounds like you're including me in a plan to save your family.
I'm honored, sir!
Why ya gotta make everything so stupid?
That's on me... Partner.
Okay, after doing lots of research
in psychology and behavioral science,
I have compiled a list of ways to make everyone feel better.
This is stupid.
I know how to cheer up kids.
They need four things.
Stuff, sandwiches, songs, Sixers.
This took me like eight hours, but let's hear your thing.
First I buy 'em stuff.
Stuff makes 'em happy. Uh-huh.
Then I take them to the drive-thru at Arby's.
Kids love Arby's.
They got roast beef. Yeah, no, I've been to Arby's.
Then we drive around, and I play happy songs to make 'em happy.
And then? Then I got Sixers tickets
'cause nothing makes people happier
than watching Dr. J dunk on the Knicks!
And then?
Then you go home happy and you stay that way!
Okay, uh, devil's advocate?
Uh, maybe all that stuff has worked in the past,
but I'm not sure how slam dunks are gonna solve this.
Devil's advocate to your devil's advocate, shut up.
We're doing your thing.
(BELL RINGS)
That's class! Enjoy the mile run, suckas!
Looks like we'll be chillin' right here with you, sucka.
We forced our moms to write us notes, too. What?
"My son has water on the knee
and cannot run, jog, or trot."
Don't you dare hand that in!
"Daniel Morse is suffering from puberty pains."
Obviously you are, but still!
"Dave Kim has 'The Andromeda Strain'."
Come on! We can't all lie about our feeble bodies.
Mellor will see right through it.
Damn it. He's right.
Gym is pointless, and so is Mellor.
All he does is push us out of our comfort zone.
The zone I love being in!
Sometimes I wish he would just go away and leave us alone.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you with heavy heart
and wildly jacked delts to announce
that I am leaving William Penn Academy.
What?
The truth is, I've been offered my dream job
coaching the country's best wrestlers for the Olympics.
Wow. Where?
Just 30 minutes away at the Foxcatcher Farm,
owned by the wild-eyed eccentric billionaire John du Pont.
But why would a billionaire want to coach wrestlers?
Hard to say. He's an intense fella.
Either way, it's an opportunity of a lifetime
with zero chance of ending badly.
Proud of you, coach. You're the man.
We'll miss you every day.
Yeah, big blow.
Point of procedure, what happens with the mile run?
The mile run is hereby postponed
until the school can find a suitable, inferior replacement for me.
(VOICE BREAKING) Damn it, Rick,
you said you wouldn't let your eyes sweat.
Walk it off, big guy!
Let's go maximize what little time we have left with him!
Yes, oh, yeah, yeah!
Such a bummer, guys!
We feel so bad.
(WHISPERING) Mellor's gone!
(ALL QUIETLY CHANTING "MELLOR'S GONE!")
(CHANTING GROWS LOUDER)
ADULT ADAM: While we were happy Coach was leaving,
my mom took a stab at curing everyone's depression.
That's right.
Focus on the fudge and not the fact that
you may never have love, music, or a daughter ever again.
Oh, damn it.
She's pouring a gallon of sadness on their fire.
We gotta get rid of her.
Got it. But how?
I'll take care of it, and I'm sorry.
Hey, Bevy!
The boy here needs his sweater bedazzled,
and he said you wouldn't be good at it.
Geoff Schwartz, let's go! Move!
All right, you sad sacks.
Enough moping.
It's time to get out for a day of dad fun.
Pass! (MUFFLED) Please, just go,
and let us be miserable in peace.
Why be miserable here when you can go out
and listen to your brand-new car stereo!
What? No way!
Mur! This is the fancy kind where you pop off the face and take it with you,
and then car thieves are like, "What?"
MURRAY: And that's not all.
You know what's in that car stereo?
Is that a compact disc?
You said this family fully invested in the cassette
and there were no new formats we'd ever need!
So what do you say we drive around, listen to music,
and eat some of our favorite meats!
That's right! We're going to Arby's!
But that's top-shelf fast food!
We only get that as a treat after we go to the dentist.
Their fries are curly!
That's a special-occasions potato.
And that's just the start.
I also got us tickets to the 76ers game!
No way!
Hey, feels good to stand.
Why don't you put on some clothes, and we'll head on out?
Ah, look who's a big, sparkly man!
It's me.
Damn it, Schwartz. (QUIETLY) I told you to keep her occupied.
I tried! She bedazzles like the wind!
I didn't even have to take the sweater off!
ADULT ADAM: And so my dad piled everyone in the car,
dead set on lifting their spirits.
On, off.
On, off, on, off!
Stereo bandits have met their match!
Well, Bill's happy. What about the rest of you?
My life is garbage.
Lainey would throw stuff in the garbage.
That was her thing... When she had trash.
Murray, just turn the car around and take us home.
No! We're going to the Sixers game, and we're gonna be happy!
Here, listen to this music disc and smile, damn it!
* If you like pina coladas * God, turn it off!
These joyful words just remind me of my own misery.
Hey, what's going on up there? I hear shouting!
It's like the song is rubbing its happiness
into our sad faces!
Stop pushing buttons!
You're just fast-forwarding the song!
We need it to make you happy!
(GRUNTS) Uh, wait, wait, wait.
(GROANS) Murray,
I think the kids broke the stereo's face.
Relax, it just clicks back...
Oh, no, it's not clicking back on.
BARRY: Give it to me!
I'll align the delicate components with force!
Just turn it off, Murray!
I can't! It's now a stereo without buttons!
We'll just wait for the song to end!
* Come with me and escape *
(SONG ENDS)
(SIGHING)
(RUPERT HOLMES' ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG) PLAYS) BARRY: Oh, my God.
What's happening? It started over. It's on repeat!
It's just gonna play over and over! * If you like pina coladas *
We're stuck in a happy loop!
I don't feel happy! I feel anger!
My anger is growing! GEOFF: I don't know how much longer I can roll around...
ADULT ADAM: Yep, my dad's happy plan just turned everyone angry.
Meanwhile, Coach Mellor's plan was to find his replacement.
After an extensive search, I'd like you all to meet Neelo Green.
Sup.
ALL: Sup.
Take it away, Coach Green.
Layups, two lines.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Y'all terrible!
All day long!
Terrible.
You sure about this guy? He seems a little bonkers.
Hey, every coach has his methods.
Sometimes the crazier the better.
In my gym, we got two rules.
Number one, we never give up!
We're on the same page.
Number two,
aliens are real and they walk among us!
Different page...
Now I want to see some squats!
Back on track.
When the invasion happens, you will be probed.
And trust me, you do not want to be probed.
It is very unpleasant!
Okay, we're gonna keep on looking.
(HORNS HONKING) ADULT ADAM: It was hour three in the car,
and my dad's plan to cheer everyone up was at a dead standstill.
* If you like pina coladas * No, I do not like pina coladas! I hate them!
I hate all frozen beverages!
I'm unraveling!
Oh, no, Barry's unraveling! Oh, don't unravel, boofie.
Just ignore the song.
I can't! My only thoughts are these delightful lyrics!
Just drive the car, Murray! Punch it!
Drive anywhere!
I can't!
There's construction up and down 95!
There's no way out!
(SONG ENDS)
Could it be?
(RUPERT HOLMES' ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG) PLAYS) Nope! Can't do it!
Bill, no! We're on the expressway!
I hate you all! (ROARS)
* I'm the love that you've looked for
* Write to me and escape * (BILL GRUNTS)
Good news, class!
After a pretty big false start,
I finally found a perfect replacement for Coach Mellor!
My brother! Coach Mellor!
Oh, balls.
What is that giant man doing here?
He coaches college football!
Not anymore.
After my mutual decision to be fired from Villanova,
I decided to be a more...
Caring and sensitive coach.
I guess you could say I've Mellor'd out.
(LAUGHS) Nice.
Gentle? Playful puns?
I'm digging this guy.
Look, I know you guys got the mile run you got to do,
but I say, no more.
In fact, if there's anybody
that would prefer to be elsewhere,
like computer lab or theater practice, just go.
I believe people should follow their dreams.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Busted!
Now I know who doesn't wanna be here!
Oh, no! It was a trap!
And we were immediately exposed!
The mile run is back on.
Move!
I'm sorry I fell!
Don't eat me!
(VOICE BREAKING) I'm just so glad to see this job is staying in the family.
Ow.
ADULT ADAM: We were doomed.
I had to make sure original Coach Mellor never left us,
and I wouldn't take no for an answer.
No. Come on, man!
I suddenly recognize you have value.
Just because me and Nick have different methods,
doesn't mean his is wrong. Sure it does!
The point is, we're both trying to teach you the same thing,
to be a winner, not a Rosie Ruiz.
A Rosie Who-now?
Okay, Goldfarb.
One last lesson before I go...
ADULT ADAM: That lesson was about Rosie Ruiz,
a world-class runner in the '80s,
famous for winning the Boston Marathon
by taking the subway.
REPORTER: Rosie, have you been doing a lot of heavy intervals?
Um, someone else asked me that,
and I'm not sure what intervals are.
This woman cheated to win the Boston Marathon?
And no one noticed? Nope.
Everybody was too caught up in the excitement
that an unfit woman who knew nothing about the sport
didn't even break a sweat while shattering a world record.
Wow. That is so wrong. Yeah.
She took the subway?
The subway!
Everyone has a sports hero, and Rosie Ruiz is mine.
Controversial, but okay.
That's why during the mile run, I'll jump into your car,
and you can drive me to the finish line?
Aw, kiddo. I... I can't help you.
'Cause cheating is wrong?
No! Cheating's that rush that keeps me ticking.
I can't help you 'cause I don't have a license.
You're really gonna let the state
tell you you can't drive?
The same state that says I have to run a mile?
But you can run a mile.
And you can drive a mile.
That I can. Screw the state, I'm in!
ADULT ADAM: Just like Rosie Ruiz,
I would cheat my way out of the mile run.
All I needed was the perfect excuse.
You guys go ahead! I'm getting a cramp in my running muscles!
Hey, what's Goldberg doing?
Cheating! How dare he!
And I want in.
ADAM: Punch it, Pops!
I think your friends are on to us.
Let us in on this or we're ratting you out.
Fine! We'll do a group Rosie Ruiz.
Who's that? My sports hero, just get in.
My God!
You kids broke the five-minute mark!
Who knew we had Olympic-level runners in our midst!
Now we can take State!
Are you kidding me with this?
I told you not to be Rosie Ruiz!
In my defense, I didn't know you'd be here!
You cheated.
NICK: Is that the thing you learned from me?
Why does it even matter?
We're not your star athletes.
You won't even remember us in 20 years.
COACH MELLOR: Is that right?
You think I taught at this school
for the Ruben Amaro Jrs. of this world?
Being that he's gonna be a major-league player, yeah?
Okay, fine. He's a nice perk.
But the real reason I do this job
is to help kids who hate gym believe in themselves.
Guess I inspired you to be nothing.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out, pulling a Rosie Ruiz
was a real disappointment for Coach.
And for my family, things were even less rosy.
* Yes, I like pina coladas
* And getting caught in the rain *
I don't really hear the song anymore.
It's become a part of me. BARRY: Oh, my God!
I've gone from loving the song to hating it,
but now I kinda respect and enjoy it,
but also fear it!
No, don't give into the pina colada, man! You gotta fight it!
Fine! Let's go home!
Screw it! We'll do it!
I'll break all the laws to get there!
BARRY: Good! ERICA: Let's do it!
BEVERLY: Oh, Murray, Murray! There's a cop!
I see the cop!
Maybe he hasn't seen us!
He's looking right at us!
Well, act casual! Don't look at him!
Aw, damn it! I looked!
Oh, no, we're making direct eye contact!
License and registration.
What?
Turn off the pina-colada song, sir!
What? Just get out of the car.
We're gonna get out of the car now
because we can't hear you!
I'm giving you a ticket for riding in the breakdown lane.
Well, my family's having a breakdown.
Doesn't that count for something?
It does not. (SCOFFS)
Great! He's writing me a ticket. Are you happy?
No! We didn't want any of this, Dad!
Yeah, they were perfectly fine at home
in their warm mom cocoon!
Fine! You wanna mope around for the rest of your lives,
mope away!
Please, you didn't do any of this for them.
All you wanted was peace and quiet
so you could watch TV again.
You think I don't miss Lainey?
I watched that girl grow up.
She's like a daughter to me.
But I can't ever say that
because I'm supposed to be the strong one for this family,
who's never allowed to feel sad.
And that makes it hurt even worse.
ADULT ADAM: My dad's plan to cheer up the family had backfired,
and now he was sadder than anyone.
Stop looking at me! I'm fine.
In all fairness, it's hard to look away
knowing you're all mushy inside and missing Lainey, too.
I thought you only get sad when the Eagles lose.
I do! Now drop it, okay?
You want a huggy? No!
How about laying on some warm laundry?
What am I, a cat? No.
Do you want my garlic bread? No.
Y... Yes.
But other than garlic bread, I'm fine!
Let's just eat and feel nothing.
ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately, the silence only made everyone's mind
wander back to an unlikely little ditty
about a frozen island drink.
(SINGSONG VOICE) Do-do-do, do-do-do-do.
Oh, no.
(SINGSONG VOICE) Do-do-do-do, do-do-do.
Don't! I just got it out of my head!
* If you like pina coladas
I really don't.
BOTH: * And getting caught in the rain
No one wants to be wet!
* If you're not into yoga
I'm not into any of this!
BOTH: * If you have half a brain
You have half a brain, morons!
* If you love making love at midnight
Midnight? That's a whole new day.
BOTH: * In the dunes of the cape
I hate that we all know the words to this song.
ALL: * I'm the love that you've looked for
* Write to me and escape
I like pina coladas.
(STRAINING) And?
And... Getting caught in the rain.
ALL: * I got to meet you by tomorrow noon
Aw, damn it, it's working!
ALL: * Through all this red tape
MURRAY: I feel happy. This is terrible.
ADULT ADAM: As unlikely as it seemed,
my dad's plan saved our family.
And for the first time since Lainey left,
things didn't feel so sad. * Yes, I like pina coladas *
Even better, our dad learned
he didn't always have to be the strong one.
And even though my family never may have made it to the Sixers game in person,
they did get to watch Charles Barkley
dominate on the court together.
As for me and my friends, we finally ran our first mile.
And, yeah, it was probably the slowest mile in school history,
but thanks to some great coaching,
we pushed ourselves, didn't give up,
and made it across that finish line.
And... Eighteen minutes and 27 seconds.
Now, that I believe.
Did we pass? Congrats.
Thanks, Coach.
Don't thank me.
Truth is, I was gonna let you bail,
but Rick said you had it in you.
Your brother really is one hell of a coach.
Maybe that's something you ought to let him know.
* I knew her smile in an instant
* I knew the curve of her face *
Coach, wait.
I ran the mile. For real.
I didn't doubt you for a second.
Before you go...
I want you to know how much you taught me.
Well, that's nice to say.
But it's true.
You taught me to give 110%,
and that rubbing dirt on a bruise will cure it.
But most of all,
you taught all the kids like me to never give up.
Just doing my job, Goldberg.
Hey, you got my name right.
Only 'cause you've earned it.
ADULT ADAM: Back then, Coach Mellor always said
one day I would come to appreciate him.
Turns out, that day came when he made me run that mile.
And it continues even now.
All you need in life is a good coach to remind you that
it's not about just making it to the finish line.
It's about what it takes to get there.
* Come with me and escape *
The, uh, first award that we have is the coach's award.
(BELL DINGS)
What can I say? I will always love you.
Dude, you got to stop this.
You're just hurting yourself.
Trust me. You're gonna be fine.
Don't say "fine."
Lainey was fine.
That was her thing, being fine.
Okay, we got to cheer you up.
How about we go play smashball at the Wawa?
(SIGHS) Lainey used to go to the Wawa. That was her thing.
We could go toilet-paper Principal Ball's house.
Lainey used to use toilet paper. That was her thing.
Okay...
Oh! I know how to prove you can find love again.
We can watch a teen rom com.
(CRYING) Lainey used to love teen rom coms!
That was her thing.
(TISSUE BOX SLAMS)