ADULT ADAM: The '80s was the peak of the sports comedy,
and my favorite, Major League.
I loved the classic underdog story of a team of misfits
who used questionable methods and voodoo to become champions.
They actually make sports tolerable
with their on-field shenanigans.
And Barry loved the unhinged, badass pitcher, "Wild Thing."
Dude, Wild Thing can't control his rage or his fastball.
That's just like me.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, there was nothing better than rooting
for the ragtag team with the evil owner.
You want us to lose?
What I want is for us to finish dead last.
ADULT ADAM: And then one day, Major League
became a major reality.
You wanted to see me, Earl?
Ah, there's my favorite shop teacher.
We should cut the chitchat.
I have 63 birdhouses to grade.
See, that is just the kind of statement that leads me to believe
you're the perfect man to help me out.With?
I want to get rid of the baseball team.Sure.
See, Coach Mellor's departure has left the team in shambles.
Sure.
They're so bad that even the school paper
has stopped trying to spin the losses.
If our team keeps playing like hot garbage,
I could convince the board to drop the program
and spend that money fixing our budgeting issues.Sure.
Which is why you're gonna be our new baseball coach.
What? I don't know anything about the game.
A-All I played growing up were timber sports.
Timber sports?
Log rolling, speed felling,
speed whittling, speed sanding.
Yeah, you help me lose and that absurd radial arm saw
you've been requesting is all yours.Batter up.
I have taken the liberty of tracking down
some new recruits for the team.
They all happen to be students
who have been dodging their athletic requirements,
if you catch my drift. Good luck.
ADULT ADAM: And with that, Mr. Crosby set out to assemble
the worst high-school team of all time.
Would you look at that? My shoes are untied.
Better lace these up before I trip.
That is a wrap on whatever the hell this is.
Get your hands and feet to the gym, boys.
All right, you've died of dysentery. Time to play sports.
Can I save my... Go! Get your ass to the gym.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Come with me, Dave Kim.
Is this about my birdhouse?
I need an extension.
David Sirota, Jessie Wudders, stop playing pretend government
and start playing real baseball.
But I-I only own penny loafers.
This is gonna be easier than I thought.
ADULT ADAM: Needless to say,
my brother wasn't thrilled with our team's new rookies.
I don't get it.
We haven't won a game all season.
Now they're hamstringing us with you turds?
Hey, we don't wanna be here either.
And what are you wearing?
Coach was a uniform short, so I'm wearing my costume from Damn Yankees.
Adam, today is my first pitching start,
and they are not gonna ruin it.
Relax. We're just here to satisfy our sports requirement.
There's no chance Coach will ever put us in.
Okay, listen up, team.
There's been some changes to the starting lineup.
Shortstop... Dave Kim.
No!
He's, like, the worst Dave Kim of all the Dave Kims.
CROSBY: Moving on.
Playing right field, Adam Goldberg.
What?
He's got a lazy eye and the body to match.
Normally, I'd object but I'm desperate here.
Look at it. These eyes cannot catch a baseball.
Oh, God. Put back on the corrective lenses, man. Please.
♪ Wild thing ♪
ADULT ADAM: It was January 30, 1980-something,
a landmark day for Gerica.
Happy Kissa-versary.
Here are some tulips to celebrate the day
these two lips first kissed those two lips.
Ew. But also aww.
And wait, there's more.
I also booked us a romantic getaway to the Poconos.
Poconos?
That's our most scenic and budget-friendly mountain range.
You know it. Get packing, lady.
This is amazing.
The two of us, alone.
How did you convince your dad to say yes?
Oh, it was easy. Uh, mostly because I haven't done it yet.
But I have a foolproof plan.
I'm going to lie to him.
Well, this was a fun ride.
I'll just rent us a movie.
Oh, come on. What, are you implying I can't lie?
I can lie. I lie all the time.
You really don't. And when you do,
you bail immediately and then overcompensate
by revealing a deeply personal secret
that nobody wants to know.
Surely you're thinking of some other unskilled liar.
Hey, Mom, Geoff has some thoughts
on your new Jazzercise ensemble
that he wants to share with you.
Ah, don't you just love it, Geoffrey?
The Lycra is form-fitting,
but it still gives me the freedom
to explore all my moves.
Uh, well, I suppose I enjoy the bold colors
and the sleeve length and... Oh, my God.
Also, one time at summer camp,
I took a puff of a cigar and then it made me really nauseous
and I threw up in a lake.
And there it is.
ADULT ADAM: And so it was up to my sister to concoct the perfect lie.
The Eastern Pennsylvania Scholastic Achievement Awards?
That's fantastic, but it doesn't surprise me
my Geoffrey is receiving such an honor.
Well, it's really an award for you, too.
You raised a smarty.
Take some videos.
Okay, well, we'll see ya when we see ya.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Geoff lied their way to a dream weekend,
I was living a true nightmare.
Please don't let the ball come to me.
Please. Oh, balls.
I-I don't got it! I don't got it!
I definitely don't got it!
Turns out, our underdog team
wasn't as bad as the one inMajor League.
No, we were worse.
I'm as mad at me as you are.
Boys are looking lousy out there, Crosby. Good coaching.
Whoa. Kremp can actually play.
Yeah, that's on me.
Kid was making a weird movie with Goldberg.
I made some assumptions.
Kremp, you're benched for showboating.
Penny loafer, you're in.
In my defense, I have cleats,
but you insisted I wear these.
CROSBY: Uh-huh. Move it, penny loafer.
Can I just stand in the grass area? They're getting all dusty.
Yeah, you do what you need to do, kid.
ADULT ADAM: And the cherry on top of our suck sundae,
my brother's pitching.
Just a bit outside.
Ball four.
Ball eight.
Honestly, I've lost count.
ADULT ADAM: I just couldn't stop wondering why Crosby and Ball
didn't seem to care that our team was so epically bad.
And then it hit me.
The ball just punched me.
They wanted us to lose, like inMajor League.
Meanwhile, my sister was on a major romantic getaway.
You know, I gotta admit,
the whole time you were lying to my dad,
I had this feeling that something terrible was gonna happen.
Stick with me, Schwartz. I'll never lead you wrong.
Oh, my God!
ADULT ADAM: Yep, this is 100% true.
My oldest sibling snuck off on a romantic getaway
and actually did this to my dad's car.
Oh, God! What are we gonna do?
Cars don't just fall off cliffs at scholastic award shows!
Forget the awards!
My dad's car just rolled off a cliff!
Oh, my dad's gonna kill me!
Please make sure some nice lady gets my eyes! Promise me!
Okay, let's just take a deep breath
of the fresh mountain air and think.
I lied my way into this mess.
I can lie my way out of it.
And just as the scholastic gala was ending,
Geoff and I walked outside and found a sack of abandoned puppies.
Naturally, we raced the car to the animal hospital,
but there was a drawbridge being raised
and we tried to jump it for the puppies
because we're good people, but the car didn't make it.
Luckily, we're fine
and so were the two dozen puppies
that have now all found homes.
Drawbridges are death ramps.
My nail girl's brother tried to jump a drawbridge.
They found his head and torso on a fishing trawler.
He's in culinary school now, but every day is a struggle.
Thank God the two of you were not hurt.
It's a lie.
We were in the Poconos on a secret getaway.
We parked your station wagon on the hill without the parking brake,
and also I copied part of my Bar Mitzvah speech
from a Winston Churchill biography.
So you lied right to my face, Geoffy?
Wait, no. It... It's not Geoff's fault.
It's all mine, and I'm so sorry.
ADULT ADAM: And then my sister braced herself
for a nuclear Murray meltdown.
You sent my car off a cliff!
Wow, he's taking this really well.
I figured that he would be screaming his head off.
Off a cliff! Who does that?
Oh, no. Your father has reached a stage beyond anger.
All my family does is wreck my car!
Third time this year!
Oh, this is not good.
The Poconos.
You could've been killed.
To be honest, I'm digging this way more
than the screaming and the "moron" calling.
My insurance is gonna go through the roof!
Okay, I got to get him inside and try to calm him down
with warm milk and Steak-umms.
I don't know if it'll work, but I'm a desperate woman.
Anyway, I-I'm sorry about the bending the truth thing.
It probably won't happen again.
The only reason Geoff is in this mess
is because of your terrible influence,
and it stops now.
This relationship is over.
What? Y-You can't break up with my girlfriend.
W-Wait, can you? Can he?
I don't know. I've never been in this situation before.
Let's go, son.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica's lies had finally caught up to her,
I was catching up the guys on my major revelation.
Gentlemen, Principal Ball and Mr. Crosby
are Major Leagueing this team.What?
Just one glaring problem with your theory.
If he wanted us to lose, they'd never let me pitch.
Barry, he let you pitch because of how bad you are.
Adam. A word?
Just between us, the last thing I would want
is for me to seem weak in front of the team,
but what you just said about my pitching hurt me to the core.
Uh, bro?
We can hear everything you're saying.
You're, like, not that far away.
I'm sorry.
I just thought it was important you all know the truth.
But I don't suck.
I'm literally gonna cry right now.
Guys, it's not so much a distance thing
as a volume thing, 'cause we're getting every word.
Damn it! I'll prove how good I am right now!
Who's got a ball?
I've got a tangerine.
But it's supposed to be for emergency dips in my blood sugar.
This is an emergency.
What are you doing? I'm gonna throw
this little embarrassing emergency orange at you
so you can feel how much I don't suck.
Dude. We're being Major League'd.
What are we gonna do? I'll tell you what.
We're gonna Major League 'em right back.
'Cause in the end, it turns out
that ragtag bunch of losers win it all!
And so will we!
Or we put all our faith in our amazing pitcher
to take us to the championship.
Wild Thing.
Look alive, Shernicke.
Okay, we can just go with his thing.
ADULT ADAM: Even though Earl Ball wanted us to lose,
I'd use my favorite sports movie to help us win.
Okay, our Major Leaguejourney from underdog scrubs
to skilled champions begins with one thing.
Meet Jobu, the idol that Pedro Cerrano prays to
that helps you hit the curve ball.
Uh, bro? That doll seems a little super insensitive.
He's hilarious in the movie,
but presenting it now just makes me feel kinda weird.
Y-Yeah, I'd... I'd put it away.
Okay, we're gonna lose.
Not if we have a sexy incentive for us to win.
Aw, yeah, like in the movie.
Whenever the Indians would win,
they would remove a sliver of clothing from a cardboard cutout
of the team's super hot yet evil owner.
Which is why I made a cardboard cutout of our nemesis,
school principal and avid swimmer, Earl Ball.
Relax. We're only gonna take a piece off
when we don't win.
This team shall never lose again.
We can't let it happen, guys.
For sure! But also, where did you get that picture?
Finally, we have to band together
and address each of our weaknesses.
Like in the movie
when the team had to convince Wild Thing to wear glasses.
Bro, I-I think someone would know if they needed glasses.
Not to be this guy, but we're all painfully aware
that you're super nearsighted but refuse to acknowledge it.
I can see just fine.
I'll prove it. I'll read your shirt. "Spice Inventors."
ALL: No. "Spork Investors"?
No. "Shark Incisors"?
ALL: No. "Snake Inhalers." Yeah?
Nope. "Spanish Inquisition"?
No, that's... "Saint Ignatius"?
What? How have you made it this far?
"Spare Bedroom"? No.
"Spanakopita"?
Here. I'm nearsighted, too.
Oh, it's "Space Invaders."
That makes sense.
So you're finally admitting to yourself that you need glasses?
I've always known! I can't believe you all knew
and never cared enough to tell me.
Why?
I'll get us each a new pair.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, our team was ready to end our losing streak,
and Erica was determined to win over Geoff's dad.
Thank you, Dr. Schwartz, for joining us today in your home.
We've all heard some murmurs that I'm not "good enough" for Geoff.
What's happening right now? You may think you know
the whole story of Geoff and Erica,
but do you really know Geoff and Erica?Yes.
But I think once you see my presentation,
you'll see that I'm the perfect girl for Geoff.
Long before I was a free spirit
who treated life as one big party,
I actually used to be a doofy bookworm
who went to bed by 9:00, just like Geoff here.
So you think my son is a doof?
Uh, Geoff, you wanna maybe jump in here
and talk about our love? You bet.
Erica's a great influence on me.
Are you drinking a beer?
Moving on.
Look. Last week, she took me mini golfing for half-price Tuesdays.
But Tuesday's a school day.
Moving on.
See, Erica's really thoughtful, Dad.
She threw me a surprise party,
and it was the best night of my life.
Is that my living room?
Did you throw a party when I was in Miami?
Erica, please take over again.
No! I've had enough.
This just confirms what I already knew.
You may love my son,
but it doesn't mean you're good for him.I'm .
ADULT ADAM: As Erica's apology project fell apart,
our team's bigMajor League plan was coming together.
How's it going, Coach?
Are we gonna win at sucking or what?
Got my worst men on it, sir.
Strike! Three, three!
Yes!
Two down, two down. Play's at second.
They can play and know the lingo.
It seems they've figured out
that you're Major Leagueingthem
and now they're Major Leagueingyou back.
Unless we change the schedule.
We have to play Meadowbrook High?
They're the best team in the city.
This is bad.
Ball knows we know he's Major Leagueingus
and that we're Major Leagueinghim back.
I'm confused, but ready to act with anger.
Good. 'Cause now we're at the top of our game,
and nothing can bring us down.
Well, look who it is.
It's the JTP,
AKA the Jenkintown Posers.
You know that's not what it stands for, bro!
Balls, balls, this just got bad fast.
It was the Meadowbrook Mafia,
the JTP's rival posse from one town over,
and they were led by theater star and hotshot athlete Bradley Cooper.
Word on the suburban street is the baseball schedule changed
and now we get to destroy you on Friday.
Doesn't matter who we play,
'cause as long as I'm pitching,
we're guaranteed the "W."
Can't wait to see you on the mound, four-eyes.
Shows what you know.
I'm pitching, not my nerd brother.
No, you're the four-eyed nerd.
I can't wait to hit your first pitch
all the way to the school library.
Where you'll probably find it the next day,
because you have glasses
and thus an uncool love of reading.
Well, I'll have you know Barry never reads.
He's more of a TV guy.
"I have glasses, and I'm a Dork Lord."
They just called me a four-eyed nerdling.
That's so hurtful.
Who talks to people like that just because they wear corrective lenses?
You? Almost every single day of my life?
Well, yeah, 'cause you're a four-eyed nerdling...
Oh, no!
I get it now!
You're just now getting that being called a nerd is hurtful?
Yes. Now that I'm affected, I care.
Great. 'Cause we actually have a chance
to stand up and fight back.
No, guys...
I can't wear these things.
What's the worst that happens?
Look, there's a reason I refused to admit I needed these things.
Yeah, I act all cool, but I'm not.
And these glasses will just make it worse.
I'm sorry. I can't do it.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out my overconfident brother
was more insecure than I thought.
And while glasses made Barry quit the team,
Geoff was determined to see Erica,
no matter how risky.
Gah! Geoff, what are you doing?
I'll stop at nothing to see you!
That's sweet, but you could've just used the front door.
It's your dad who doesn't want us together.
Oh, God, I'm so upset I'm not thinking straight.
Relax. You're forgetting that I have parents, too.
And once Beverly Goldberg hears that your dad
called her baby girl a bad influence,
she'll unleash such unbridled fury
that your dad will wish he was in that car.
Yeah, not my place.
Not your place?
Everywhere's your place! You have no boundaries!
Schmoo, how do I put this delicately?
We agree with Lou.
You're a horrible influence on the boy.
What? You're supposed to be on my side.
Oh, how do I put this delicately?
Geoff is a college-bound future doctor.
You're a drop-out liar who can't even hold a job.
Would you just let her put it delicately one time?
Look, Erica,
we don't think you're not good enough for Geoff.
It's just that, right now,
it seems Geoff is too good for you.
Thank you, Mom.
Wait. That's exactly the same thing.
You just said it in a nicer tone.
ADULT ADAM: For the first time,
my mom said no to defending her kids
and then felt so bad, she caved.
Hey.
Wanna talk about it?
Everyone was right.
Geoff deserves someone better than me.
Schmoo, when I see that boy
and how much he loves you and how hard he tries,
makes me wonder if maybe you could be trying a little harder, too.
I love Geoff so much.
The last thing I want to do is hold him back.
And, in this case, maybe that means
I don't get to be with him,
no matter how much I want to.
ADULT ADAM: The big game against Meadowbrook was starting,
and everyone was there...
Everyone, that is, except Barry.
CROSBY: Goldberg, you're up.
Swing or don't swing.
How you strike out is up to you.
The moment had arrived.
I'd never been a sports hero,
butMajor League taught me anything was possible.
Just not this time. Oh, God!
My tender boy body.
Adam?
Barry? Are you dead, too?
Oh, I'm alive.
And I'm sick of being a joke.
I'm gonna get revenge for you,
and every other four-eyed nerd out there.
Coach, I'm pitching next inning.
Good thinking. They're only up a run.
Go get us into a jam.
ADULT ADAM: Barry didn't just come back to our team to defend my honor,
he returned to show the world he was finally done with hiding who he really was.
♪ Wild thing
♪ You make my heart sing
ADULT ADAM: Yep, it's true.
After years of calling me a four-eyed Dork Lord,
Barry Norman Goldberg now had glasses.
What is this song? Where is it even coming from?
Oh, yes. Just like his hero,
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn inMajor League,
Barry could finally see clearly,
and he'd use it to win once and for all.
♪ Wild thing
Ooh. Except he didn't.
♪ Wild thing ♪
That day, Barry didn't use his new glasses
to strike out the other team.
Instead, he struck 'em down,
and it felt glorious.
You're out of here!
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, I had a new sports hero...
Barry "Wild Thing" Goldberg.
Hey, get up. What?
You heard me. Get up. Get dressed.
Maybe run a comb through your hair.
Why? Where are we going?
To get Geoff back.
What about Lou?
If he thinks he's gonna keep my baby from the man she loves,
then he's gonna find out what a bad influence I can be.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, no one messes with Beverly Goldberg.
Sure, it took her a while to get onboard,
but now Geoff's dad was about to face off with our Wild Thing.
Evening, Lou.
Thank you for coming to this ambush.
How dare you say my daughter isn't good enough for your...
Mom, wait.
I know I begged you to fix this,
but this is something I have to do on my own.
But I'm all revved up.
Please, rev down. I got this.
Look, I know I get Geoff into trouble
and force him out of his comfort zone
and have him throw parties in your living room.
But there is not a slide show in the world
that will make you see just how much I love your son.
Even though I'm selfish and moody
and have so much growing up to do,
you still love me.
So, yeah, I'm not nearly good enough for a guy like you.
But you make me wanna do whatever it takes to prove I can be.
Maybe they do bring out the best in each other.
No maybe, Lou.
They just do.
ADULT ADAM: Sometimes we've got to fight for what we love,
but what good is a fight without a little backup?
Just a bit outside.
That's the thing about family.
You're a team...
A team that never stops believing in each other.
And when that happens,
it makes everything a little more groovy.
♪ Wild thing ♪
ADULT ADAM: How come when I wear glasses, you call me a nerd,
but when you wear glasses you look awesome?
That's not very fair.
ADULT BARRY: I like the glasses.
Okay. Move, dumbass. We can't see.
I know. I was once like you.
But thanks to major advances in contact-lens technology,
I now have the vision of an eagle holding a telescope.
Now that I have better-than-perfect vision,
a whole new world of careers has opened up for me.
Behold.
I can now be a fighter pilot, umpire,
professional Where's Waldofinder,
avid reader, guy who writes things on rice,
long-distance peeping tom, and Olympic athlete.
It's a tad late to start training for the Olympics.
Not with these laser-focused baby browns.
Oh, God, my contact lens popped out.
Help. Help me.
Mark my words, if Barry somehow makes it in,
it will be the most memorable thing
to ever happen at the Olympics.