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00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:04,872
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
we were all obsessed with
the movie Karate Kid,

2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,042
the tale of a misfit teenager
who teams up with Mr. Miyagi

3
00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:09,510
to crane-kick his way
to victory.

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00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,545
Wax on. Right.

5
00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:13,347
Wax off. Left.

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BOTH:
Wax on. Right hand.

7
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:16,584
Wax off. Left hand.

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00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,452
Wax on. Wax off.

9
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Shh. It's hard enough
to hear the old
karate gardener

10
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,956
without you two morons
talking over him.

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Yep, "Karate Kid"
had something for everyone.

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Oh, man,
I loved how Daniel-san
beat up all those bullies.

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I mean, how many weeks
did he train? Three?
So cool.

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I loved the leg sweeping
and face punches.

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I loved the wise old man
kicking all those kids' butts.

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He should be arrested,
but he's not.

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ADULT ADAM:
It even inspired me

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to write my very own
movie-review column
in the school newspaper.

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Reading anything
good there, Taz?

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Yeah, man, this review of
Karate Kid is fresh.

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That other Adam Goldberg in
11th grade knows his movies.

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What? No.
I wrote that.

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00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,721
It says here
it's by Adam Goldberg.

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You're
Adam F. Goldberg.

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00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,827
ADULT ADAM: With one missing
letter "F," my Karate Kid
journey began.

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Oh, balls!

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You!
Oh, balls!

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Balls, indeed. There he was,
the other Adam Goldberg.

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Indie, artsy,
and my nemesis

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who had been on my mind
a bit lately.

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There's another
Adam Goldberg.

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00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:15,643
There's another Adam Goldberg
in school.

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00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,311
He's in 11th grade.
He's an actor, too.

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He's got more of
a Jim Jarmusch vibe.

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He's more of
a multi-hyphenate.

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He's a loose cannon.

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He's way more likely
to win an award than me.

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And he's very mad about
the whole same-name situation.

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He looks madder
than usual.

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He really does.
Thanks for having my back,
Taz.

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We need to talk,
Adam Goldberg.

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Oh, yeah, sure.
What's on your mind,
other Adam Goldberg?

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For the record,
you're the other
Adam Goldberg,

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and you're
ruining my rep.

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Everyone thinks I wrote
this hacky tripe.

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It's supposed to say
"Adam F."

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It's a simple mistake,
really.

48
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It's like that time
the nurse gave you my inhaler,

49
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even though you don't
have a problem with ragweed.

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00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:53,414
Don't minimize this, bro.
Do you have any idea
how many people

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have congratulated me
on this article?

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Two?
Wow, that's a good guess.

53
00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:00,321
Point is, I'm tired
of the marketplace confusion!

54
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,955
You got to change
your name now.

55
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:05,559
I really don't think
people are gonna be confused
by our names, dude.

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Hey, Goldberg, we're playing
basketball in the gym,

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and your mother is insisting
you wear a jockstrap

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so you don't hurt
your yam bag.

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Ha! He's worried about
his reproductive health.

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His mom
cares about him!
That's a weakness!

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You're changing your name.

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(SIGHS)

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* You're the best around

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* Nothin's gonna ever
keep you down *

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ADULT ADAM: It was March 1,
1980-something,
and Erica was still obsessing

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over her first kiss
with Geoff Schwartz.

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Hey.
Can we talk, you know,

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about that thing that
happened between us

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00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:37,891
with our lips and stuff?

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I know the thing, Geoff.

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Well, even though
that thing was
super-awesome,

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it can't happen again
'cause, like,

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me and Evy are together.
You get it.

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Totally.

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It was a stupid
one-time mistake.

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A one-time mistake that...

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we've made every day...

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for the last three weeks.

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Right, but this is
the last time.
Starting now.

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God!
What is wrong with us?

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This has to stop!

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Does it? It does.
I don't know!

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Does it, though?
It doesn't!
And you know why?

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I'm gonna break up
with Evy today.

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Dude, you say that
exact same thing every day,

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and we always end up hiding
in here while Evy has
volleyball practice.

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You'll see. This time,
I won't get scared of her
and wimp out.

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Well, my lips aren't touching
yours until it's official.
Understood?

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ADULT ADAM:
As Erica and Geoff
were living in denial,

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I was living in fear
about my own name.

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And so it's with
a heavy heart

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I must legally
change my name.

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00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,249
Let's take a look
at option one.

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00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:40,421
Examples of this might be
Snake, Blade, or Axel.

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Axel Goldberg?

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Moving on.

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We have the second option.

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I can be Adam Kenobi,

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00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,964
Adam Balboa,
or Adam "Cobra" Commander.

100
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,800
Or there's option three...

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Pick one of the names
I've carefully crafted
for you.

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Spazitron Spazzowitz.

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Nads Asshattington.

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(CHUCKLES)
Turd Smugglins.

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No! Who would name
their child Turd

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if their last name
was Smugglins?
Who?

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Damn it, you're still going on
about this stupid name thing?

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Dad's right.

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Stop running, and fight
for your name and honor.

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Fight? What fight?
There will be no fight.

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Stay out of this, Bevy.
I'm gonna deal with it.

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First, you bop that kid
in the nose.

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Then you hit him
with a chair.

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Why aren't you
writing this down?

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I think it's easier if I just
peacefully change my name

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'cause the other Adam Goldberg
is slightly inconvenienced
every so often.

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No way.
Your name is perfect,
just like you.

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Mama will take care of this.

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Absolutely not.

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You go tattle-taling
to your mama,

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it's only gonna
make things worse.

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Okay, fine.

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I promise I won't speak
to the other Adam Goldberg

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at all, in any way.

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Your mom called my mom
last night, dude.

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What is wrong with you?

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Damn it!
She found a loophole.

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She convinced my mom
that I should go by AJ

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'cause my middle name's
Jacob. AJ.

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Relax.
No one's calling you AJ.

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Hey, everybody,
the pretentious film
nerd's gonna go by AJ

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00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,841
so we can tell the
difference between him
and the mainstream film nerd.

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Your name's
just letters!
You suck, AJ!

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That's it. I was just gonna
make you change your name,

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but now I'm gonna beat
the crap out of you

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and make you
change your name!

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Let's say you
didn't beat me up,

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and I became a
Mr. Turd Smugglins.
Would that appeal to you?

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No.
Be in the quad at 3:00.

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ADULT ADAM: While I was forced
to face my nemesis,

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Erica was suddenly
feeling bad for hers.

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Evy, hey.

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You...okay?

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(VOICE BREAKING) I'm fine.
You sure?

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Something bad didn't
happen to you,

146
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:36,504
like a paper cut
or a nasty break-up?

147
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:38,639
I think something's going on
between me and Geoffrey.

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00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,742
Geoffrey...
the Toys R' Us giraffe?

149
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Schwartz!

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00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:47,548
I mean, I know
I can be kind of smothering,

151
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but that's only because
I like him so much.

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Um, it's gonna be fine.

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You'll be fine.

154
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Um, maybe not fine.

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Life will move on.

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Erica,
you told her about us?

157
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:01,895
Um, no.

158
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What about you guys?

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00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,499
What? No!
Nothing romantic
is going on

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00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,668
while you're at volleyball
practice between
3:30 and 5:00.

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00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,703
Stop using
so many specifics, Geoff!

162
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All I'm saying is we were
definitely not damaging

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some wind chimes
in a moment of passion.

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Geoff!
I'm so sorry!

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00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,077
Anxiety makes me
get extremely detailed!

166
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,379
Well, anger makes me
throw stuff at cheating jerks!

167
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,515
Ha!
(LAUGHS)

168
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,283
You got a face full
of orange drink!

169
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:24,885
It's fun 'cause
you're sticky now!

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00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:28,055
Dear Lord, are you two
always just lurking around
to bag on people?

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For sure.
It makes me feel better
about myself.

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Barry!
I never thought
I'd say this,

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but I need your street smarts
and karate skills.

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It's one-stop shopping
with me. Continue.

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The other Adam Goldberg
says he's gonna beat me
into a pulp after school.

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You got to save me.
Don't worry, bro.

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I know just what to do.

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As you know, it is strictly
against school policy

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00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,479
to allow students to fight
on school property.

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00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,813
Oh, thank God.

181
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Which is why I'm allowing
your brother here

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00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:58,786
to start an official
after-school karate club.

183
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,688
What?
BARRY: Look,
I already signed you up.

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00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,055
I thought you were
going to save me.

185
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,025
I am, by letting
the other Adam Goldberg

186
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:07,695
kick your ass
in a loving, controlled,

187
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,497
school-sanctioned
environment

188
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,331
monitored by our
most lenient teacher.

189
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,468
Karate club, huh?

190
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,470
Too afraid to fight me
on the streets?

191
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:18,639
Yes! I've mentioned that
several times.

192
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,073
Then I'll beat you down
on the mat,

193
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,809
even though we both know
you'll wuss out.

194
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:22,943
Friday.

195
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,546
I'm kicking butts
and taking names.
Literally.

196
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,516
Thanks a lot, Barry.

197
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,718
You officially just
signed my death warrant.

198
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,787
Chill out. I got a plan.

199
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:38,358
The time has come
for you to meet my sensei.

200
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,162
What the hell?
Is it Thanksgiving
already?

201
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,997
No. You've got
a new student.

202
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,767
Uncle Marvin is your sensei?

203
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,203
Hai! Will you train
the lazy-eyed one, master?

204
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,338
Hai.

205
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:52,606
But be forewarned,
Adam-san.

206
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,407
You must always keep
your focus sharp.

207
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,677
You must not give in
to distractions.

208
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,646
And if anyone should walk
in here and say,

209
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,781
"Get out of my apartment,"
what do we say, Barry-san?

210
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,516
I've got squatters rights.

211
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:05,018
Excellent, my pupil.
Excellent.

212
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:07,888
ADULT ADAM:
I always knew my crazy uncle
was a man of many talents,

213
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,423
but I never realized
until that very moment

214
00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:11,959
that karate was one of them.

215
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,360
Soap the counter.

216
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:16,096
Rinse the counter.
Hai!

217
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,598
ADULT ADAM:
And just like Mr. Miyagi,

218
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:21,001
he used household chores
to teach me the art of karate.

219
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,870
Wash the dishes! Hai!

220
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,905
Scrape out that freezer!

221
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,674
Give me that juice!

222
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,241
(GRUMBLES)

223
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:30,077
Cheese my quesadilla!

224
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,178
(GRUMBLES)

225
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,513
Look in the neighbor's
trash for cans!

226
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,782
Good!

227
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,283
Good!

228
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,385
Shred my eight-year-old
tax returns!

229
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:39,753
Hai!

230
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:41,589
Hai!

231
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,156
Take this old TV
to the curb!

232
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,993
ADULT ADAM:
Yes, I was becoming
a martial-arts master.

233
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,696
I'm learning
so much karate.
Hai!

234
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,463
ADULT ADAM: At least
that's what he told me.

235
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,335
ADULT ADAM:
Thanks to Uncle Marvin,
I was almost ready for battle.

236
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,870
I just needed permission.

237
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,506
I need you to sign
my permission slip
for the Karate Club.

238
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,275
I shall face my enemy
in open combat.

239
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,677
Look at you.

240
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,378
Finally listening
to your old man, huh?

241
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:06,880
No, your stuff
was useless.

242
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,016
I'm being trained
by the most deadly

243
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,984
martial-arts sensei
in town.

244
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:12,152
Observe.

245
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,154
Wah!
Spray TV.

246
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,923
Wipe TV.

247
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,491
Spray TV.
Wipe TV.

248
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,594
I don't know
what the hell that was,

249
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:23,230
but good for you
for defending yourself

250
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,198
and for cleaning my TV.

251
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,635
Stay still, Lucky.
Thank you. There we go.

252
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,502
ADULT ADAM: I was officially
ready for battle.

253
00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,972
Meanwhile, Erica and Geoff
were finally official.

254
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,373
So you guys
must feel great

255
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,108
not having to hide
your love anymore.

256
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,610
Yeah, it's, like,
the best.

257
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:40,047
Yeah, you know,
except for... that.

258
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,885
Look at her.
She is a crazy person.

259
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,054
Seriously.
She's gone
full Zabka on us.

260
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,521
Gone what?
Billy Zabka?

261
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,457
The dude who played
the bad guy in Karate Kid.

262
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,126
He got dumped
by Elisabeth Shue
and couldn't get over it.

263
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,295
Not taking sides,
but it really seems like

264
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,397
you guys are the Zabka
in this situation.

265
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,566
Yeah, you're clearly
the bad guys.
Mmm-hmm.

266
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,735
Us? Come on, man.
How can you even say that?

267
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,503
There's no way
that we're the Zabkas.

268
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,773
ADULT ADAM: Wrong.
That night, Geoff went home

269
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,374
and watched a movie marathon.

270
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,643
We're totally the Zabkas.
Okay, what is happening?

271
00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,244
I just watched
every Zabka movie.

272
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,613
Karate Kid.
Zabka snap-kicks Daniel,

273
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,415
who was just handing Ali
back her radio.

274
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,085
Back to School.
Zabka punches
Rodney Dangerfield.

275
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,787
He punches an old man
in the face.

276
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,589
Just One of the Guys.
Zabka throws a girl
in the ocean.

277
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,491
She was just trying
to succeed as a photographer.

278
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:26,927
Hey! Terry lied to everybody
about who she was,

279
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,129
until she told him the truth
with her boobs.

280
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,464
I'm Geoff Schwartz, man.
I can't be the Zabka.

281
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:34,768
I'm the sweet, lovable,
girl-next-door type.
I'm the Elisabeth Shue.

282
00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,704
Well, I am not
the Zabka here.

283
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,872
Whoa! Are you saying
I'm the solo Zabka here?

284
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,307
Evy is your girlfriend.

285
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,642
You said you were
going to break up with her,
but you didn't.

286
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:43,977
Total Zabka move.

287
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,413
Okay, you're being
a major Zabka right now,
and I don't like it.

288
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:49,149
Don't you call me
a Zabka, Zabka!

289
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,551
Ha! Only a Zabka
would call a Zabka a Zabka!

290
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:54,487
Well, if I'm such
a freaking Zabka,
then get out, you Zabka!

291
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,826
We're still gonna make out
in your brother's
tree house later, right?

292
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,293
Obviously!
We're such Zabkas!

293
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,561
I know!

294
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:03,764
Listen up.

295
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,834
The next phase of our training
begins tomorrow.

296
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,702
You will power-wash
the driveway,

297
00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:10,203
like a true Shinobi warrior.

298
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:12,639
Um, I can't wait
till tomorrow.

299
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,475
(CHUCKLES)
I'd rather not wait,
either, grasshopper,

300
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,244
but I have to rent
the power washer

301
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,012
from the hardware store.
It's a whole thing.

302
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,781
No, I have
the tournament tomorrow.

303
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,082
The tournament...
hai... the what?

304
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,317
Tomorrow's the big day
where Adam squares off

305
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,254
against his same-name nemesis,
his namesis.

306
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,488
Wait a minute,
are you telling me

307
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,257
that someone's gonna
put their hands on you
for real-skis?

308
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:31,558
Fear not, Sensei.

309
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:34,261
Once you show me
how the chores
become karate moves,

310
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:35,595
I shall not fail.

311
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,264
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

312
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,799
Okay, here's the deal.

313
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:43,536
Um, technically,
I'm not so much
of a karate expert

314
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,406
as I am a guy
whose housekeeper quit

315
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,877
because he tried
to pay her with "massage."

316
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:50,978
Oh, my God.

317
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,981
(EXCLAIMS) What are you
saying right now?

318
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:56,683
All we've done is clean
this slob's apartment!

319
00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:00,187
I must unleash my anger
through karate!

320
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,090
Oh, God. (SOBBING)

321
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:07,160
This is all I know.
What am I?

322
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:10,597
Uncle Marvin, I have a battle
to the death tomorrow.

323
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,065
What am I going to do?

324
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:14,868
Okay, okay, okay.
I still can teach you
one technique.

325
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,337
It's called duck
and curl up into a ball.

326
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:18,438
Watch and learn.

327
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,174
(WHIMPERING)

328
00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:22,910
Ah-ha!

329
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,511
I just figured it out.

330
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,313
You're trying
to shake my faith.

331
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:27,614
This is all a test.

332
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:28,715
It is?

333
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,251
Of course I'm a 10th degree
black belt.

334
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:32,552
I have to be.

335
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,522
Otherwise,
reality as I know it
would implode,

336
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,792
and I'd find myself
in a deep darkness
and never fully recover.

337
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:39,893
Oh, man.

338
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,194
Back to training!

339
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:42,863
ADULT ADAM:
My fate was sealed.

340
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:46,033
But little did I know,
there was a warrior still
out there fighting for me.

341
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,035
I demand you shut down
the Karate Club.

342
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:49,837
Woof!
You're awfully worked up.

343
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,704
Must be a handful
at home, huh?

344
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,440
You think?
You do realize

345
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,508
Adam shouldn't even be
in this club?

346
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:59,112
You know, there's gonna be
teachers and mats
and referees.

347
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:03,716
This is literally
the easiest way for Adam
to take on a bully.

348
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,485
Well, then,
you leave me no choice.

349
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,354
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)

350
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:11,058
I am entering
the karate tournament.

351
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,560
(MUSIC DIES)
No, you're an adult.

352
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:14,995
Oh, yeah, that's right.

353
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,397
(BLEEP)

354
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:20,533
ADULT ADAM:
But Mrs. Mom-yagi had
one more move up her sleeve.

355
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,469
Thanks to her,
I'd fight someone

356
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:25,005
she could easily bend
to her will.

357
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:29,809
Welcome to the Huntington
All Valley Karate Club!

358
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:30,944
(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

359
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:39,619
First match,
Adam F. Goldberg
vs. Big Tasty.

360
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:42,555
I don't remember
arranging that,
but it's on the big board,

361
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,324
so let's do this!

362
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,792
(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

363
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,228
Mama, did you do this
wonderful thing for me?

364
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,030
I'm always
on your side, boopie.

365
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,098
(CHUCKLES)

366
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:54,134
Take him out.

367
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,903
Are you telling me
to sweep the leg?

368
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,071
If he wins, he has to face
the other Adam Goldberg.

369
00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,839
I want my schmoo
out of commission.

370
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,274
But then
I'll get disqualified.

371
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,944
Show no mercy.

372
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,779
You hear me?
Sweep the leg.

373
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:08,815
Wait, why did Mom yell,
"Sweep the leg"?

374
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,483
Eh, no reason.
Sweep the leggy.

375
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:11,551
Are you gonna
sweep my leg?

376
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,386
Eh.
Sweep the leggy, sweetie.

377
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,654
You are!
You're gonna sweep my leg!

378
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,722
Sweep the leggy!

379
00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:17,357
Do not sweep the leg!

380
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,927
ADULT ADAM: There was no way
Barry would listen to my mom
and sweep the leg.

381
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,594
Leg sweep!
Ooh!

382
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,497
ADULT ADAM:
Balls! He swept my leg!
He swept it but good!

383
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,066
Oh!

384
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,768
Disqualification!
Adam F. advances
to fight the other one,

385
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:30,337
if he can ever walk again.

386
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,804
(GROANS)

387
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:37,044
(GROANS) He did it!
He swept my leg!

388
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,378
How could you
let this happen?

389
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,313
I'm sorry.
I had a brilliant plan

390
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,581
to get you
a little bit hurt

391
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,183
so you wouldn't have
to fight the other Adam

392
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,317
and get very hurt.

393
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:45,919
That is so...

394
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,488
Genius!

395
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,323
I'm gonna hug your body!

396
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:51,624
(GASPS) Hug it.

397
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,660
Hey, your leg's better.

398
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:54,995
Yeah, it was just a kick.

399
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,596
Barry usually
hurts me way worse.

400
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,165
Yesterday he threw me
out of a tree.

401
00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,733
Okay, well, this, uh,
faking your way
out of this fight,

402
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:01,801
it'll be our
little secret.

403
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,070
Shh. It's Dad.

404
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,072
Hey, Dad. Bad news.

405
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,107
Got my leg swept.

406
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,308
Fight's off.

407
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,510
But thanks for finally coming
to one of my school things.

408
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:11,578
Looks fine to me.

409
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,280
Well, let's not
dig too deep.

410
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,348
The point is
my baby is safe.

411
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:17,517
Listen, I want to
tell you a story.

412
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:18,685
Forget it!
I don't want to hear

413
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,587
how you bopped a bully
in the nose!

414
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:23,723
Adam, I was the bully.

415
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,793
I was an unhappy kid,
and I took it out
on other people.

416
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:28,728
And you know
when I stopped?

417
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:32,332
When a kid
was brave enough
to bop me back.

418
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,003
I thought you could be
that kid.

419
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,270
I guess I was wrong.

420
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,438
* Tonight it's very clear

421
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:40,773
ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
my dad made me realize

422
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:41,975
I could no longer
run and hide.

423
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,576
* 'Cause we're both
lying here...

424
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:47,214
And that day,
my sister realized
she couldn't hide the truth.

425
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,717
She knew in her heart
she didn't want to be
the bad guy.

426
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:55,155
As hard as it was,
she did the one thing
she thought she never would.

427
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:57,224
I can't believe
this is happening.

428
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,194
I'm sorry, Geoff.

429
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:03,630
I thought being with you was
the only thing that mattered,

430
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,398
but now I'm not so sure.

431
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,500
But we're supposed
to be together.

432
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,469
Not this way.

433
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:12,705
We don't want to
start our relationship
by hurting someone else.

434
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:13,940
Then when?

435
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,009
Not until it feels right.

436
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,810
(SIGHS) I'm such an idiot.

437
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,280
I've known you for 10 years,

438
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,015
and the timing
has never been right.

439
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,183
Someday.

440
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:24,884
Hopefully.

441
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,153
Hopefully.

442
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,722
**

443
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:33,893
* I am a man who will fight
for your honor...

444
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:34,961
Where are you going?

445
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:36,963
Dad was right.

446
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,765
It's time to stop running

447
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:41,168
and face the other
Adam Goldberg
once and for all.

448
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,636
But you can't.
You have a slight limp.

449
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,040
If Daniel-san can fight
with a messed-up leg,
so can I!

450
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:50,510
Daniel-san also had
his sensei by his side.

451
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:51,744
And so shall you.

452
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,513
Uncle Marvin, you came!

453
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:57,150
I wasn't about to abandon
my star pupil in his time
of need.

454
00:16:57,184 --> 00:17:01,521
Also, Bevy,
I need to borrow $8,300.

455
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:02,589
More on that later.

456
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,023
Let's focus on that leg.

457
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,759
(HUMMING)

458
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,829
He's gonna use
the ancient wisdom of
the Orient to save me.

459
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,999
What? Oh, no, I was just
trying to think of a way
for you to win this thing.

460
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,567
(HUMMING)

461
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,103
I got nothing.
You're a dead man.

462
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,337
BEVERLY: Out of my way.

463
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,773
Look, Schmoo, all I ever
wanted to do was protect you,

464
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,009
but maybe this time,

465
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,044
protecting you actually
hurts you in the end.

466
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,879
Does that mean you're okay
with Karate Club?

467
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,281
Oh, God, no.

468
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,750
I'll never stop
worrying about you.

469
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,752
But this is your battle.

470
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,421
And if you need to
fight for your honor,

471
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,189
then you fight with
everything you've got.

472
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:37,957
I will, Mama.

473
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,460
(VOICE BREAKING)
Now go be a man,
my delicious little baby boy.

474
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:47,867
* I am a man who will fight
for your honor *

475
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:51,171
Last chance to give up,
Gold Nerd. Ha!

476
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:52,972
Know what, other Adam?

477
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:54,707
I've had enough of this!

478
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,510
Who cares about
marketplace confusion?

479
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,112
We're not that important!

480
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:02,349
No one gives a crap
about us but us!

481
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:03,583
Let's do this!

482
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:06,085
ADULT ADAM:
Yep, it was time to go
get my ass kicked

483
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:07,487
in front of everyone.

484
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,356
Yeah, here's the thing.

485
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,958
I technically don't know
how to, uh...

486
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:13,426
(MUSIC DIES)
...fight.

487
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,395
What?
But you said you did.

488
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,863
It's called acting, bro.

489
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,131
I was certain
you'd wuss out.

490
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:19,732
Really bit me
in the ass here.

491
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,033
This is horrible!

492
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,170
We're gonna embarrass
ourselves in front
of the whole school.

493
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,638
I know. It's like a nightmare
version of Karate Kid.

494
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,307
Wait, you saw the movie?

495
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,941
I thought you hate
big studio fare?

496
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,144
Eh, after I read your review,
I gave it a shot.

497
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,445
You're an okay writer.

498
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:34,747
Not good enough for books.
Maybe sitcoms or something.

499
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,216
Thanks.

500
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:39,452
Look, I... I really am sorry
about all the confusion.

501
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,722
Truth is, I'm a huge fan
of your work.

502
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,056
I've always
looked up to you.

503
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:47,594
I just want to be friends.

504
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,095
Cool.

505
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,363
None of this changes the fact

506
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,031
that we're about
to bomb out there.

507
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,534
Wait a minute,
we both do school theater,

508
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,404
we both know stage combat,
and we both know Karate Kid.

509
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,138
So?
So what do you say

510
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:02,074
we go out there and give
those people a real show?

511
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:04,211
It's showtime!

512
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,646
I mean, aah!
Aah!

513
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,014
Hyah!
Aah!

514
00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:11,083
All right, the moment
we've been waiting for.

515
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,920
Due to injury,
the winner by default...

516
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:16,356
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

517
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,358
Adam Goldberg's
gonna fight?

518
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,393
Adam Goldberg
is gonna fight!

519
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,462
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

520
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:26,032
(JOE ESPOSITO'S
YOU'RE THE BEST PLAYS)

521
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,335
* Try to be best
'Cause you're only a man...

522
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:31,304
Take your bows.
Fight!

523
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,673
ADULT ADAM: And so the other
Adam Goldberg and I

524
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:36,243
acted out the final scene
of Karate Kid perfectly.

525
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:37,477
Hyah!

526
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,945
(CROWD GROANS)

527
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:40,980
Fight!

528
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,149
Hyah!

529
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,717
Aah!
(GRUNTS)

530
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:48,221
It was an epic performance
filled with fake punches
and flying kicks.

531
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,458
And it was awesome.

532
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,960
* You're the best around...

533
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,094
I'm okay. I'm okay.

534
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:57,697
Hyah!

535
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,198
Aah!

536
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,634
(CROWD JEERING)

537
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,506
Put him in a boy bag, Adam!
Which Adam?

538
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,707
Uh, either one.

539
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,743
You ready
for your big finale?

540
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:11,944
Our finale.

541
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,547
Fight.

542
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,384
Here it comes.

543
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,551
No way.

544
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:20,720
Double crane kick?
It can't be done.

545
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:24,056
Ohh!

546
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,224
(CROWD GASPS)

547
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,659
That's a tie.

548
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,728
Both nerds get
to keep their name.

549
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,530
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

550
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,799
* You're the best around

551
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,268
* Nothin's gonna ever
keep you down

552
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,504
* You're the best around

553
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,006
* Nothin's gonna ever
keep you down

554
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:42,041
* You're the best around

555
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,010
* Nothin's gonna ever
keep you down *

556
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,078
He learned that move
from me.

557
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:48,014
**

558
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:51,718
Hyah!
Oh, no! Don't hurt me!

559
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,119
Ow!

560
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:55,622
He's coming in with
a right and a left.

561
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:58,558
MAN: Stop it, Barry.
You almost broke that light!

562
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,795
Wow, we're in
a real karate class.

563
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,531
This is gonna be
so much fun.

564
00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:06,899
I hear the sensei's
a really good guy.

565
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:09,201
Love exists in this dojo,
doesn't it?

566
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:10,903
ALL: Yes, master!

567
00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:13,640
Kindness exists
in this dojo, doesn't it?

568
00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:15,308
ALL: Yes, master!

569
00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:18,311
Everyone is a special winner
in this dojo, aren't they?

570
00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:19,846
ALL: Yes, master.

571
00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,080
And what do we study here?

572
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:24,050
ALL: Hug first, hug hard,
show mercy.

573
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:25,885
Hey, you're
the best around.

574
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,954
Nothing's gonna
ever keep you down.

575
00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:29,456
(BOTH LAUGH)

576
00:21:29,489 --> 00:21:30,690
(GRUNTS)