ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, we were all obsessed with the movie Karate Kid,
the tale of a misfit teenager who teams up with Mr. Miyagi
to crane-kick his way to victory.
Wax on. Right.
Wax off. Left.
BOTH: Wax on. Right hand.
Wax off. Left hand.
Wax on. Wax off.
Shh. It's hard enough to hear the old karate gardener
without you two morons talking over him.
Yep, "Karate Kid" had something for everyone.
Oh, man, I loved how Daniel-san beat up all those bullies.
I mean, how many weeks did he train? Three? So cool.
I loved the leg sweeping and face punches.
I loved the wise old man kicking all those kids' butts.
He should be arrested, but he's not.
ADULT ADAM: It even inspired me
to write my very own movie-review column in the school newspaper.
Reading anything good there, Taz?
Yeah, man, this review of Karate Kid is fresh.
That other Adam Goldberg in 11th grade knows his movies.
What? No. I wrote that.
It says here it's by Adam Goldberg.
You're Adam F. Goldberg.
ADULT ADAM: With one missing letter "F," my Karate Kid journey began.
Oh, balls!
You! Oh, balls!
Balls, indeed. There he was, the other Adam Goldberg.
Indie, artsy, and my nemesis
who had been on my mind a bit lately.
There's another Adam Goldberg.
There's another Adam Goldberg in school.
He's in 11th grade. He's an actor, too.
He's got more of a Jim Jarmusch vibe.
He's more of a multi-hyphenate.
He's a loose cannon.
He's way more likely to win an award than me.
And he's very mad about the whole same-name situation.
He looks madder than usual.
He really does. Thanks for having my back, Taz.
We need to talk, Adam Goldberg.
Oh, yeah, sure. What's on your mind, other Adam Goldberg?
For the record, you're the other Adam Goldberg,
and you're ruining my rep.
Everyone thinks I wrote this hacky tripe.
It's supposed to say "Adam F."
It's a simple mistake, really.
It's like that time the nurse gave you my inhaler,
even though you don't have a problem with ragweed.
Don't minimize this, bro. Do you have any idea how many people
have congratulated me on this article?
Two? Wow, that's a good guess.
Point is, I'm tired of the marketplace confusion!
You got to change your name now.
I really don't think people are gonna be confused by our names, dude.
Hey, Goldberg, we're playing basketball in the gym,
and your mother is insisting you wear a jockstrap
so you don't hurt your yam bag.
Ha! He's worried about his reproductive health.
His mom cares about him! That's a weakness!
You're changing your name.
(SIGHS)
* You're the best around
* Nothin's gonna ever keep you down *
ADULT ADAM: It was March 1, 1980-something, and Erica was still obsessing
over her first kiss with Geoff Schwartz.
Hey. Can we talk, you know,
about that thing that happened between us
with our lips and stuff?
I know the thing, Geoff.
Well, even though that thing was super-awesome,
it can't happen again 'cause, like,
me and Evy are together. You get it.
Totally.
It was a stupid one-time mistake.
A one-time mistake that...
we've made every day...
for the last three weeks.
Right, but this is the last time. Starting now.
God! What is wrong with us?
This has to stop!
Does it? It does. I don't know!
Does it, though? It doesn't! And you know why?
I'm gonna break up with Evy today.
Dude, you say that exact same thing every day,
and we always end up hiding in here while Evy has volleyball practice.
You'll see. This time, I won't get scared of her and wimp out.
Well, my lips aren't touching yours until it's official. Understood?
ADULT ADAM: As Erica and Geoff were living in denial,
I was living in fear about my own name.
And so it's with a heavy heart
I must legally change my name.
Let's take a look at option one.
Examples of this might be Snake, Blade, or Axel.
Axel Goldberg?
Moving on.
We have the second option.
I can be Adam Kenobi,
Adam Balboa, or Adam "Cobra" Commander.
Or there's option three...
Pick one of the names I've carefully crafted for you.
Spazitron Spazzowitz.
Nads Asshattington.
(CHUCKLES) Turd Smugglins.
No! Who would name their child Turd
if their last name was Smugglins? Who?
Damn it, you're still going on about this stupid name thing?
Dad's right.
Stop running, and fight for your name and honor.
Fight? What fight? There will be no fight.
Stay out of this, Bevy. I'm gonna deal with it.
First, you bop that kid in the nose.
Then you hit him with a chair.
Why aren't you writing this down?
I think it's easier if I just peacefully change my name
'cause the other Adam Goldberg is slightly inconvenienced every so often.
No way. Your name is perfect, just like you.
Mama will take care of this.
Absolutely not.
You go tattle-taling to your mama,
it's only gonna make things worse.
Okay, fine.
I promise I won't speak to the other Adam Goldberg
at all, in any way.
Your mom called my mom last night, dude.
What is wrong with you?
Damn it! She found a loophole.
She convinced my mom that I should go by AJ
'cause my middle name's Jacob. AJ.
Relax. No one's calling you AJ.
Hey, everybody, the pretentious film nerd's gonna go by AJ
so we can tell the difference between him and the mainstream film nerd.
Your name's just letters! You suck, AJ!
That's it. I was just gonna make you change your name,
but now I'm gonna beat the crap out of you
and make you change your name!
Let's say you didn't beat me up,
and I became a Mr. Turd Smugglins. Would that appeal to you?
No. Be in the quad at 3:00.
ADULT ADAM: While I was forced to face my nemesis,
Erica was suddenly feeling bad for hers.
Evy, hey.
You...okay?
(VOICE BREAKING) I'm fine. You sure?
Something bad didn't happen to you,
like a paper cut or a nasty break-up?
I think something's going on between me and Geoffrey.
Geoffrey... the Toys R' Us giraffe?
Schwartz!
I mean, I know I can be kind of smothering,
but that's only because I like him so much.
Um, it's gonna be fine.
You'll be fine.
Um, maybe not fine.
Life will move on.
Erica, you told her about us?
Um, no.
What about you guys?
What? No! Nothing romantic is going on
while you're at volleyball practice between 3:30 and 5:00.
Stop using so many specifics, Geoff!
All I'm saying is we were definitely not damaging
some wind chimes in a moment of passion.
Geoff! I'm so sorry!
Anxiety makes me get extremely detailed!
Well, anger makes me throw stuff at cheating jerks!
Ha! (LAUGHS)
You got a face full of orange drink!
It's fun 'cause you're sticky now!
Dear Lord, are you two always just lurking around to bag on people?
For sure. It makes me feel better about myself.
Barry! I never thought I'd say this,
but I need your street smarts and karate skills.
It's one-stop shopping with me. Continue.
The other Adam Goldberg says he's gonna beat me into a pulp after school.
You got to save me. Don't worry, bro.
I know just what to do.
As you know, it is strictly against school policy
to allow students to fight on school property.
Oh, thank God.
Which is why I'm allowing your brother here
to start an official after-school karate club.
What? BARRY: Look, I already signed you up.
I thought you were going to save me.
I am, by letting the other Adam Goldberg
kick your ass in a loving, controlled,
school-sanctioned environment
monitored by our most lenient teacher.
Karate club, huh?
Too afraid to fight me on the streets?
Yes! I've mentioned that several times.
Then I'll beat you down on the mat,
even though we both know you'll wuss out.
Friday.
I'm kicking butts and taking names. Literally.
Thanks a lot, Barry.
You officially just signed my death warrant.
Chill out. I got a plan.
The time has come for you to meet my sensei.
What the hell? Is it Thanksgiving already?
No. You've got a new student.
Uncle Marvin is your sensei?
Hai! Will you train the lazy-eyed one, master?
Hai.
But be forewarned, Adam-san.
You must always keep your focus sharp.
You must not give in to distractions.
And if anyone should walk in here and say,
"Get out of my apartment," what do we say, Barry-san?
I've got squatters rights.
Excellent, my pupil. Excellent.
ADULT ADAM: I always knew my crazy uncle was a man of many talents,
but I never realized until that very moment
that karate was one of them.
Soap the counter.
Rinse the counter. Hai!
ADULT ADAM: And just like Mr. Miyagi,
he used household chores to teach me the art of karate.
Wash the dishes! Hai!
Scrape out that freezer!
Give me that juice!
(GRUMBLES)
Cheese my quesadilla!
(GRUMBLES)
Look in the neighbor's trash for cans!
Good!
Shred my eight-year-old tax returns!
Hai!
Take this old TV to the curb!
ADULT ADAM: Yes, I was becoming a martial-arts master.
I'm learning so much karate. Hai!
ADULT ADAM: At least that's what he told me.
ADULT ADAM: Thanks to Uncle Marvin, I was almost ready for battle.
I just needed permission.
I need you to sign my permission slip for the Karate Club.
I shall face my enemy in open combat.
Look at you.
Finally listening to your old man, huh?
No, your stuff was useless.
I'm being trained by the most deadly
martial-arts sensei in town.
Observe.
Wah! Spray TV.
Wipe TV.
Spray TV. Wipe TV.
I don't know what the hell that was,
but good for you for defending yourself
and for cleaning my TV.
Stay still, Lucky. Thank you. There we go.
ADULT ADAM: I was officially ready for battle.
Meanwhile, Erica and Geoff were finally official.
So you guys must feel great
not having to hide your love anymore.
Yeah, it's, like, the best.
Yeah, you know, except for... that.
Look at her. She is a crazy person.
Seriously. She's gone full Zabka on us.
Gone what? Billy Zabka?
The dude who played the bad guy in Karate Kid.
He got dumped by Elisabeth Shue and couldn't get over it.
Not taking sides, but it really seems like
you guys are the Zabka in this situation.
Yeah, you're clearly the bad guys. Mmm-hmm.
Us? Come on, man. How can you even say that?
There's no way that we're the Zabkas.
ADULT ADAM: Wrong. That night, Geoff went home
and watched a movie marathon.
We're totally the Zabkas. Okay, what is happening?
I just watched every Zabka movie.
Karate Kid. Zabka snap-kicks Daniel,
who was just handing Ali back her radio.
Back to School. Zabka punches Rodney Dangerfield.
He punches an old man in the face.
Just One of the Guys. Zabka throws a girl in the ocean.
She was just trying to succeed as a photographer.
Hey! Terry lied to everybody about who she was,
until she told him the truth with her boobs.
I'm Geoff Schwartz, man. I can't be the Zabka.
I'm the sweet, lovable, girl-next-door type. I'm the Elisabeth Shue.
Well, I am not the Zabka here.
Whoa! Are you saying I'm the solo Zabka here?
Evy is your girlfriend.
You said you were going to break up with her, but you didn't.
Total Zabka move.
Okay, you're being a major Zabka right now, and I don't like it.
Don't you call me a Zabka, Zabka!
Ha! Only a Zabka would call a Zabka a Zabka!
Well, if I'm such a freaking Zabka, then get out, you Zabka!
We're still gonna make out in your brother's tree house later, right?
Obviously! We're such Zabkas!
I know!
Listen up.
The next phase of our training begins tomorrow.
You will power-wash the driveway,
like a true Shinobi warrior.
Um, I can't wait till tomorrow.
(CHUCKLES) I'd rather not wait, either, grasshopper,
but I have to rent the power washer
from the hardware store. It's a whole thing.
No, I have the tournament tomorrow.
The tournament... hai... the what?
Tomorrow's the big day where Adam squares off
against his same-name nemesis, his namesis.
Wait a minute, are you telling me
that someone's gonna put their hands on you for real-skis?
Fear not, Sensei.
Once you show me how the chores become karate moves,
I shall not fail.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay, here's the deal.
Um, technically, I'm not so much of a karate expert
as I am a guy whose housekeeper quit
because he tried to pay her with "massage."
Oh, my God.
(EXCLAIMS) What are you saying right now?
All we've done is clean this slob's apartment!
I must unleash my anger through karate!
Oh, God. (SOBBING)
This is all I know. What am I?
Uncle Marvin, I have a battle to the death tomorrow.
What am I going to do?
Okay, okay, okay. I still can teach you one technique.
It's called duck and curl up into a ball.
Watch and learn.
(WHIMPERING)
Ah-ha!
I just figured it out.
You're trying to shake my faith.
This is all a test.
It is?
Of course I'm a 10th degree black belt.
I have to be.
Otherwise, reality as I know it would implode,
and I'd find myself in a deep darkness and never fully recover.
Oh, man.
Back to training!
ADULT ADAM: My fate was sealed.
But little did I know, there was a warrior still out there fighting for me.
I demand you shut down the Karate Club.
Woof! You're awfully worked up.
Must be a handful at home, huh?
You think? You do realize
Adam shouldn't even be in this club?
You know, there's gonna be teachers and mats and referees.
This is literally the easiest way for Adam to take on a bully.
Well, then, you leave me no choice.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)
I am entering the karate tournament.
(MUSIC DIES) No, you're an adult.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
(BLEEP)
ADULT ADAM: But Mrs. Mom-yagi had one more move up her sleeve.
Thanks to her, I'd fight someone
she could easily bend to her will.
Welcome to the Huntington All Valley Karate Club!
(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
First match, Adam F. Goldberg vs. Big Tasty.
I don't remember arranging that, but it's on the big board,
so let's do this!
(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Mama, did you do this wonderful thing for me?
I'm always on your side, boopie.
(CHUCKLES)
Take him out.
Are you telling me to sweep the leg?
If he wins, he has to face the other Adam Goldberg.
I want my schmoo out of commission.
But then I'll get disqualified.
Show no mercy.
You hear me? Sweep the leg.
Wait, why did Mom yell, "Sweep the leg"?
Eh, no reason. Sweep the leggy.
Are you gonna sweep my leg?
Eh. Sweep the leggy, sweetie.
You are! You're gonna sweep my leg!
Sweep the leggy!
Do not sweep the leg!
ADULT ADAM: There was no way Barry would listen to my mom and sweep the leg.
Leg sweep! Ooh!
ADULT ADAM: Balls! He swept my leg! He swept it but good!
Oh!
Disqualification! Adam F. advances to fight the other one,
if he can ever walk again.
(GROANS)
(GROANS) He did it! He swept my leg!
How could you let this happen?
I'm sorry. I had a brilliant plan
to get you a little bit hurt
so you wouldn't have to fight the other Adam
and get very hurt.
That is so...
Genius!
I'm gonna hug your body!
(GASPS) Hug it.
Hey, your leg's better.
Yeah, it was just a kick.
Barry usually hurts me way worse.
Yesterday he threw me out of a tree.
Okay, well, this, uh, faking your way out of this fight,
it'll be our little secret.
Shh. It's Dad.
Hey, Dad. Bad news.
Got my leg swept.
Fight's off.
But thanks for finally coming to one of my school things.
Looks fine to me.
Well, let's not dig too deep.
The point is my baby is safe.
Listen, I want to tell you a story.
Forget it! I don't want to hear
how you bopped a bully in the nose!
Adam, I was the bully.
I was an unhappy kid, and I took it out on other people.
And you know when I stopped?
When a kid was brave enough to bop me back.
I thought you could be that kid.
I guess I was wrong.
* Tonight it's very clear
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, my dad made me realize
I could no longer run and hide.
* 'Cause we're both lying here...
And that day, my sister realized she couldn't hide the truth.
She knew in her heart she didn't want to be the bad guy.
As hard as it was, she did the one thing she thought she never would.
I can't believe this is happening.
I'm sorry, Geoff.
I thought being with you was the only thing that mattered,
but now I'm not so sure.
But we're supposed to be together.
Not this way.
We don't want to start our relationship by hurting someone else.
Then when?
Not until it feels right.
(SIGHS) I'm such an idiot.
I've known you for 10 years,
and the timing has never been right.
Someday.
Hopefully.
**
* I am a man who will fight for your honor...
Where are you going?
Dad was right.
It's time to stop running
and face the other Adam Goldberg once and for all.
But you can't. You have a slight limp.
If Daniel-san can fight with a messed-up leg, so can I!
Daniel-san also had his sensei by his side.
And so shall you.
Uncle Marvin, you came!
I wasn't about to abandon my star pupil in his time of need.
Also, Bevy, I need to borrow $8,300.
More on that later.
Let's focus on that leg.
(HUMMING)
He's gonna use the ancient wisdom of the Orient to save me.
What? Oh, no, I was just trying to think of a way for you to win this thing.
(HUMMING)
I got nothing. You're a dead man.
BEVERLY: Out of my way.
Look, Schmoo, all I ever wanted to do was protect you,
but maybe this time,
protecting you actually hurts you in the end.
Does that mean you're okay with Karate Club?
Oh, God, no.
I'll never stop worrying about you.
But this is your battle.
And if you need to fight for your honor,
then you fight with everything you've got.
I will, Mama.
(VOICE BREAKING) Now go be a man, my delicious little baby boy.
* I am a man who will fight for your honor *
Last chance to give up, Gold Nerd. Ha!
Know what, other Adam?
I've had enough of this!
Who cares about marketplace confusion?
We're not that important!
No one gives a crap about us but us!
Let's do this!
ADULT ADAM: Yep, it was time to go get my ass kicked
in front of everyone.
Yeah, here's the thing.
I technically don't know how to, uh...
(MUSIC DIES) ...fight.
What? But you said you did.
It's called acting, bro.
I was certain you'd wuss out.
Really bit me in the ass here.
This is horrible!
We're gonna embarrass ourselves in front of the whole school.
I know. It's like a nightmare version of Karate Kid.
Wait, you saw the movie?
I thought you hate big studio fare?
Eh, after I read your review, I gave it a shot.
You're an okay writer.
Not good enough for books. Maybe sitcoms or something.
Thanks.
Look, I... I really am sorry about all the confusion.
Truth is, I'm a huge fan of your work.
I've always looked up to you.
I just want to be friends.
Cool.
None of this changes the fact
that we're about to bomb out there.
Wait a minute, we both do school theater,
we both know stage combat, and we both know Karate Kid.
So? So what do you say
we go out there and give those people a real show?
It's showtime!
I mean, aah! Aah!
Hyah! Aah!
All right, the moment we've been waiting for.
Due to injury, the winner by default...
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
Adam Goldberg's gonna fight?
Adam Goldberg is gonna fight!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(JOE ESPOSITO'S YOU'RE THE BEST PLAYS)
* Try to be best 'Cause you're only a man...
Take your bows. Fight!
ADULT ADAM: And so the other Adam Goldberg and I
acted out the final scene of Karate Kid perfectly.
Hyah!
(CROWD GROANS)
Fight!
Hyah!
Aah! (GRUNTS)
It was an epic performance filled with fake punches and flying kicks.
And it was awesome.
* You're the best around...
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Hyah!
Aah!
(CROWD JEERING)
Put him in a boy bag, Adam! Which Adam?
Uh, either one.
You ready for your big finale?
Our finale.
Fight.
Here it comes.
No way.
Double crane kick? It can't be done.
Ohh!
(CROWD GASPS)
That's a tie.
Both nerds get to keep their name.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
* You're the best around
* Nothin's gonna ever keep you down
* You're the best around
* Nothin's gonna ever keep you down
* You're the best around
* Nothin's gonna ever keep you down *
He learned that move from me.
**
Hyah! Oh, no! Don't hurt me!
Ow!
He's coming in with a right and a left.
MAN: Stop it, Barry. You almost broke that light!
Wow, we're in a real karate class.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I hear the sensei's a really good guy.
Love exists in this dojo, doesn't it?
ALL: Yes, master!
Kindness exists in this dojo, doesn't it?
ALL: Yes, master!
Everyone is a special winner in this dojo, aren't they?
ALL: Yes, master.
And what do we study here?
ALL: Hug first, hug hard, show mercy.
Hey, you're the best around.
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(GRUNTS)