ADULT ADAM: Ah, going away to college.
Back in the day, packing up your life
for a fresh start was a sacred ritual
for high-school seniors everywhere.
And no one was more excited to go away forever than my sister.
Okay, I'm all packed for college.
Now all I need is to befriend my R.A.
so that I can throw a kegger without consequences.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you're three months early.
You haven't even graduated high school yet.
I may have jumped the gun a bit,
but it's only because I'm counting down the hours
until I get out of this hellhole. You get it.
Well, I still have three months left
where you're my little baby schmoo
that I want to gobble up because you're just so delicious!
Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum!
Aww. Your mom-brain is fighting this. It's funny.
There's nothing funny about losing a child... to college.
Mom, face it. Our family is changing.
Everything that you've come to know over the past few years
is about to be turned on its head.
Don't say that!
The Goldbergs will always stay the same!
Nothing will ever change in this house.
Nothing except Lainey leaving for fashion school
and basically taking a dump on my dreams.
Okay, fine. I acknowledge that's also big.
Erica and Lainey are going to college.
But that's it... No more changes.
Hey, Ma, can you pick up some BiC razors?
Mine's a little dull from scraping the old scruff.
No! Bad boy! You do not shave!
I gotta. My old lady, Jackie, likes me smooth.
But I'm your old lady.
You know, saying that kind of stuff was cute
when I was a tiny child, but now it's getting weird.
Fine. Erica and Lainey are leaving.
My little baby boy has grown into a gangly,
deep-voiced, furry young man.
But that's it... No more changes.
Look out, everybody. Make way!
Erica said that I can have her room now that she's gone, right?
Oh, right. You're here, too.
That's right. From now on, it's gonna be W-M-A-R-V playing all the hits.
I'm calling the shots now, Bev.
Screw it! I give up!
Nothing will ever be the same again in this house!
I'm home! Nobody bother me!
TV's mine!
Never change, you beautiful, miserable man!
(GROANS)
* I'm twisted up inside
* But nonetheless, I feel the need to say
* I don't know the future
* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *
ADULT ADAM: It was May 17, 1980-something,
and I was with my favorite girl,
watching my favorite film franchise.
I don't want to overstate it,
but Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
is literally the most important movie of our time.
Sure, it's a critical darling,
but if we're talking about laughs per minute,
then you got to go with Police Academy 3: Back in Training.
Point taken. Hey, do you have time to stay
and watch Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol?
Obviously. Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
comes out tomorrow, and we can't go in unprepared.
Oh, my God! I have a girlfriend
who actually likes Police Academy!
You just called me your girlfriend.
Oh, balls. Did I go... I went too far. I went too far.
I mean, no. You said it, so I'll say it, too. (CHUCKLES)
Boyfriend. Girlfriend.
Boyfriend. A-girlfriend.
Boyfriend. Girlfriend!
Damn it! Why do you insist
on ripping my heart from my shredded pecs
and punting it into a cauldron of flames?
Look, we only have a few months left before I go to college!
Let's not waste it fighting!
But I want our Barry/Lainey Summer of Love Farewell Tour
to be perfect!
And I want that, too,
but this list of mandatory activities is just too much.
I mean, come on. Look at this...
Road trips, picnics, concerts, skiing,
apple picking, berry picking, pear picking... So many fruits.
I don't want to work this hard.
(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) Hi.
This sounds like an intensely personal conversation,
so you may want to take it far, far away
from me and my girlfriend.
Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Girlfriend.
Unh!
Ugh.
Look at us!
Look at us closely and know that one day
you'll end up just like us, you ridiculous children.
This is getting weird and insulting.
All right. You'll see. We're the future you, and it sucks hard.
That'll never be us, right?
Come on. We're rock-solid.
Nothing can shake that.
Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Girlfriend.
Boyfriend. Girlfriend.
ADULT ADAM: It was official. I had a girlfriend who liked Police Academy.
Life was finally looking up until this happened.
Oh, balls. Adam?
Yep. We've all been there...
Running into your ex with your new love.
Naturally, I handled it like a pro.
Dana! Hey!
How are things going up in here?
I was gonna call. I'm back for the summer.
This summer? That's crazy!
I'm crazy! Summer!
Hot times! Fun in the sun!
Camp.
I'm Jackie.
Hi. Dana.
Sorry! Yes! Jackie, meet Dana!
Dana, meet Jackie! Introductions, new friends...
Not friends, just street ladies, ladies of the street.
No. You know what I mean.
Well, when you're free, we should get together and catch up.
Ketchup!
* Mustard, pickles
* Onions on a sesame-seed bun *
Welp, great seeing everybody. Bye, now.
Wait! What about Police Academy?
ADULT ADAM: As I desperately escaped my worst nightmare,
my mom was dreaming up ways to spend the summer with her baby.
Erica and Geoff. So funny running into you here.
Damn it. She's got the chalkboard!
Oh, no. I'm upset, but why?
That thing only comes out when someone wants something dumb
that only makes sense with a visual aid.
Hey, there's nothing dumb about my Cuddle Calendar.
Oh, God, it's got a catchy, but terrible name. Run, Geoff.
Shield your innocent eyes! Go, go, go!
I can't! The board's blocking us! We're trapped!
According to my calculations,
you have 63 days left before you leave this house
and break my heart, literally killing me dead,
which is why I made this schedule...
To maximize mommy-daughter time.
Okay, according to this ridiculous calendar,
I'm spending every waking second with you.
When do I hang out with Geoff?
Well, you see that little sliver?
Right there is a little sliver.
Well, maybe you don't see it, but it says "G.S."
Oh, that's me. I get Erica time.
Bro, let me handle this. Check.
Okay, here. Let me draw you a chart of my own.
This circle represents how I'll be splitting up the rest of my time.
Erica, please.
I'm just gonna miss you so much.
I need to spend as much time with you as I can.
Babe, as much as I love your circle of Geoff,
I couldn't enjoy it knowing it's killing your mom.
I'll be back for my sliver.
Until then, be with her.
No! Stop feeling so deeply!
It's what I love about you,
but it's very inconvenient right now! (DOOR CLOSES)
Gah! This is exactly why I can't wait
to leave this house and never come back.
Oh, poop. We both know you're gonna miss my cuddles
and snuggies and plubbies next year.
I'm sorry. "Plubbies"?
It's something I've been workshopping,
and I think it's ready to go.
(CHUCKLES) Guard your belly button.
Gah!
Hey.
Look, I'm sorry.
Dana was my first real girlfriend,
and seeing her took me by surprise.
That's all. I swear.
It's okay. I get it. You do?
Yeah. It's... It's still weird
between me and my old boyfriend.
Uh, where is he?
All I see is Ruben Amaro, Jr.
casually displaying his athleticism.
Yeah. That's my ex.
Wait. You were with Ruben Amaro, Jr.,
the Ruben Amaro, Jr.?
From seventh to ninth grade. Why?
You spanned three grades with the guy
who isn't afraid to change into his gym clothes
without a towel around his waist?
This is not okay!
Oh, so, you can be weird around Dana,
but I can't be weird around my ex?
I'm not worried about you being weird.
I'm worried about you two still having a spark.
I didn't say there was a spark.
It's Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Even I feel a spark when he walks by.
Okay, is this what's going on with Dana?
Do you still have feelings for her?
Don't try to turn this around on me.
I'm still turning this around on you.
Okay, you're being insane,
so have fun figuring things out with your ex
and don't let me be a part of it.
Told you, bro. All love ends.
Stop! We'll work it out.
No, you won't. You'll just end up like me,
sniffing a sweater Lainey left in my room to remind me of her.
That's Mom's. No!
ADULT ADAM: Time was running out for Barry and Lainey,
and the same was true for Geoff and Erica.
Just look at everyone, cleaning out lockers,
signing yearbooks, saying goodbye.
Let's cherish these moments, people!
Cherish my butt! You suck, Schwartz!
Sorry. That was uncalled for.
I have a hard time with transitions.
Why are you the one freaking out here?
I'm graduating, not you.
I can't help it. Don't you realize this is the last time
we'll ever walk down this hallway together?
Last time we'll ever reach your locker side-by-side?
Last time I'll ever watch your nose crinkle as you spin that lock?
Last time I overlook that you might be gross?
Okay, please stop narrating all my last things.
There is so much stuff in here.
What's with all these notes from your mom?
She put one in my lunch every day like a crazy lady,
and I just chuck them in here.
"Dear Schmoo, I love you more today than I ever have before.
"I am here for you always."
Okay, that one's kind of sweet.
"Dear Boopie, you're a perfect angel,
"and Drew Kremp doesn't deserve you.
"P.S. His Mustang now has some serious scratches"?
Holy crap. She's the one who keyed Drew's car?
"Dear Squishy, I know change is hard, but I promise you,
"sweetie, your boobies will grow just like the rest of you."
Okay, maybe I shouldn't read all these.
Wow. I should have paid a bit more attention to these.
You okay?
I'm really not.
I just realized...
my mom is amazing.
I'm gonna miss her so damn much!
What? She's always been there for me.
How will I survive without her?
Maybe you should ask her.
Don't be mad. I'm not here to bother you.
I'm just subbing for Senora Gomez.
But I did make you these marshmallow fudge chubbies.
Adios, mija. (SMOOCHES)
So good. I know.
These are my last marshmallow fudge chubbies.
God, I hate her so much for making me love her like this!
ADULT ADAM: The big day was here... Graduation.
It was a time to celebrate the past, look forward to the future,
and, for my family, be irritated in the present.
Bev, stop with the crying.
I can't hear the children say stupid things. (SOBBING)
But my baby is graduating from high school,
a day I've been dreading since she graduated from my body.
She's gone forever!
Hoo-hoo! One down, two to go!
I think both of your attitudes
are very extreme and terrible.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for...
I'd like to invite our graduating seniors
to get in line and receive their diploma.
( POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE PLAYING)
(SIGHS HEAVILY) I can't believe my baby's going off to college
in just a few days.
You mean a few months.
Uh, sure. Months.
Not on Tuesday morning before traffic gets bad.
What? I didn't borrow my cousin Greg's flatbed truck.
So, yeah, months.
It sounds like you borrowed your cousin Greg's flatbed truck
'cause my girlfriend is leaving on Tuesday.
You should talk to Lainey. Lainey!
I didn't mean now. Sit down!
What is this about you leaving in a few days?
Mr. Goldberg, could you please not interrupt our joyous ceremony?
Oh, God. He knows I'm leaving early for Savannah. How does he know?
I'm sorry, baby! He got it out of me!
William Vanica. Dang it!
If you're not graduating, take a seat!
Oh, crap! He's on the move!
He's coming over. What do I do?
I don't know, man.
I got a really deep emotional thing with my mommy going on.
I'm, like, not okay in the head.
Dude, how could you leave early and not tell me?
I'll explain everything when the time is right, which is not now!
No! No way! Do not walk away from me.
I'm not walking away.
I'm slowly and deliberately marching to receive my diploma.
Joyce Basilone. Congratulations.
Mr. Goldberg, you are not part of the processional.
Do not process!
This was supposed to be our Barry/Lainey Summer of Love Farewell Tour!
Now it's done!
I was gonna tell you at the graduation party
'cause I didn't want to ruin today,
which is exactly what you're doing right now!
Lainey Lewis.
Not the time, man!
You know what? Maybe it's best I'm leaving early.
Maybe it is!
(VOICE BREAKING) Thank you so much. I'm very happy.
You're not the only one whose life is crumbling, you big butt!
And we'll just move right along to...
...Erica Goldberg.
ADULT ADAM: My sister was steps away from starting her adult life,
but as she stood speechless on that stage,
nothing scared her more.
Yeah, I'm good. Erica, please let's just end this.
Just take it. No.
Take the diploma. Pass.
You can't pass.
But I can, and I do.
Take it. Take the diploma!
No. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Don't come at me with that diploma. You take this!
No! Fight it! Fight that diploma!
Take this. You earned it. Never!
No fighting, just graduating!
Seriously, it's a great moment for you!
I will never graduate!
You cannot force my life to start!
Erica, please, just take it!
No! Get away from me! It's one of the rules!
Just take it! Sorry. I slept in.
Did Erica have her Bat Mitzvah yet?
Come on! Get out of here!
Just take it! Stop following me!
Take the diploma!
Oy. What a mess.
Tell me about it. How could Jackie date Ruben Amaro, Jr.
and not even tell me?
ADULT ADAM: Okay, yeah, I was insanely jealous
of Jackie's jockey ex-boyfriend.
And so I made a date with my ex, Dana.
Like they say, old love dies hard. (LAUGHTER)
Isn't this awesome?
Yeah. I guess.
You just checked your watch instead of laughing hysterically
at how tall Bubba Smith is. What's going on?
I don't get it. This is part 5.
Shouldn't they have graduated the Academy after the first one?
I think the problem is you're focusing on logic,
not the lovable cast of characters.
(BLOWING FUNNILY)
Okay, in what world would an officer of the law
stop a jewel thief by making weird mouth noises?
That's Michael Winslow. He's a national treasure.
They're LAPD. They wouldn't have any jurisdiction in Miami.
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, it was clear that our spark was gone forever.
Dana was my past love, but Jackie was the future
and I had to get her back.
But first, I had to end it with Dana and break her poor heart.
Okay, what's going on?
Look, I've been wrestling with these emotions
much like Hightower wrestled that alligator.
And just as Steve Guttenberg had to move on
from the Police Academy franchise...
* I know just how to whisper ...I, too, must move on.
* And I know just how to cry * Wait.
Do you think this was a date?
ADULT ADAM: Uh-oh.
The way you say that makes me feel like...
Oh, balls.
...I misread this entire situation.
Adam, I'm sorry if you thought that... Don't be.
It was really great seeing you again, Dana.
I hope it's not the last time.
That day, I looked like an epic tool in front of Dana,
but, even worse, I had lost Jackie.
As for my mom and Erica, they found out
that avoiding graduation wasn't an option.
I can't believe I graduated.
More than that, I can't believe I let Principal Ball catch me.
The man's like a bald cheetah. Who knew?
What the hell? This isn't a diploma.
It's a note from that putz with the whistle!
"Insufficient credits. See Coach Mellor"?
What does that mean? Somebody say something.
Mellor always said that if I skipped too much gym,
I wouldn't get my diploma.
I thought he was full of crap
because, you know, gym is stupid, but it's real!
You mean... you're not going to college?
I'm not going to college!
You're not going to college!
My life has come to a grinding halt!
It's everything I've ever hoped for!
Wait a second! This is insane!
Yay! I'm a cautionary tale!
(LAUGHS)
What? Can't I enjoy the success of my failing child?
Believe me, I don't want to see her go, either,
but she's leaving, end of story.
Murray, I can't handle losing her
for the next four years.
I'd rather lose her for a few short years
than hold her back forever.
ADULT ADAM: My mom was about to do the hardest thing of her life...
Force the school to turn over Erica's diploma.
Coach Mellor, we meet again one last, final time.
I take it you read that little note I left for Erica.
All right, let's tango.
She's not coming. It's just me.
But I kind of need her here.
I had a big, angry speech meant to guilt and shame her
for missing my class 27 times this year.
This is an outrage. You have no right to target her...
27 times? Wow. That's a lot.
And she forged a doctor's note
saying she couldn't run or jump because of "lady problems."
How dare you accuse her of forgery when you're...
"Dr. Edmund T. Doctorman."
Oh, come on. I warned her for three years...
Fail gym, pay the price.
Okay, she's still a wonderful girl,
and I will stop at nothing until you give me that diploma.
Ugh. Here you go.
That's it? Brace yourself.
Ready to have your mind blown? I have no real power.
My greatest weapon is threatening the kids with failing gym.
So, every year, I terrify the attractive, popular kids
to let them know that their actions have consequences,
even though they really, really don't.
Oh, I'm sorry. (SIGHS)
Do you want me to call Erica and bring her in here?
Eh, the moment's gone. (SIGHS)
You raised an amazing woman, Beverly Goldberg.
It's been a pleasure doing battle with you.
Pleasure's been mine.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out my mom didn't need to fight after all.
As for Barry, he was just plain devastated
after his graduation fight with Lainey.
Wow.
You're really clutching your Wrestling Buddy there.
You only do that when you're super sad.
Lainey's never gonna forgive me for spazzing up her graduation.
Her dad said she's not even coming to Erica's party.
Oh, God, I've never seen you this bad.
Well, I may not be able to fix things with Lainey,
but I think I know a way to at least make you smile.
**
Police Academy 5?
Assignment Miami Beach,
guaranteed to wash away your heartache.
Balls, balls. It's Jackie. Let's get out of here.
Wait. She's seeing this thing by herself,
and you just want to walk away?
* I know just where to find the answers What about you?
* And I know just how to lie I'll be fine. You've found your nerd-mate.
Now go.
* I know just how to fake it
* And I know just how to scheme
Is this seat taken?
Well, look who it is.
I know it seems like I'm stalking you,
but this is a legit coincidence,
which makes me think I was a huge idiot, and I'm sorry.
What about Dana?
She was my first girlfriend, and she'll always be,
but that doesn't mean she's the one.
Just sit your butt down already.
* And I know when to let you lose
* And I know the night is fading
Boyfriend.
* And I know that time's gonna fly
Girlfriend.
ADULT ADAM: And so we decided to let go of our romantic pasts
and just live in the moment.
As for my mom, she was ready to make sure
Erica didn't put her future on hold.
Hey, love bug. Whatcha doin'?
Unpacking.
* And I know the ways to fame Listen...
...you know it's my dream for you to always be my little baby chicken.
Don't say "but." But...
...as scary as it is, I think we both know it's time for you to go.
My diploma? Oh, no. What did you do to Coach Mellor?
Actually, even he knows it's time for you to move on.
For the last four years, I've made fun of you for dreading this day.
* Out of nothing at all And now it's here.
* Out of nothing at all And I'm more scared than you ever were.
* Out of nothing at all But you should know,
no matter where you are or what you're doing
(VOICE BREAKING) I will always fight for you
in an embarrassing and inappropriate way.
* Out of nothing at all You're gonna change the world, Erica Goldberg.
* Out of nothing at all And you're gonna visit... a lot.
ADULT ADAM: In the end, sometimes we need that little push
to get us where we're meant to go.
And sometimes the journey is hard...
...and we struggle to accept the bumps along the way,
but it's the people you love most...
...that can help you get through it.
Sorry, I'm late. BARRY: Lainey.
I didn't think you'd ever talk to me again,
you know, after ruining your graduation
and embarrassing you in front of everyone you've ever known.
Yeah, that was bad. It wasn't great.
It was basically the worst.
Well... I don't blame you if you hate me forever.
* And I can make all your demons be gone Hate you?
After everything we've been through,
all those memories, the best moments of my life?
I could never hate you.
We really had some good times, huh?
* And I'm never gonna make it... We had some great times.
(CHUCKLES) And you know what?
* Making love This is the spot where we had our first real conversation.
* Out of nothing at all Yep.
I threw that party, made an ass of myself...
* Out of nothing at all ...and you were the only one who was there for me.
* Out of nothing at all God, so much has changed since then.
I mean, not everything. (CHUCKLES)
* Out of nothing at all Even back then, I knew I loved you.
* Making love
And no matter where we go, we'll always have that.
* Making love
* Out of nothing at all
* Making love
* Love
* Out of nothing at all You coming?
* Making love I'll be there in a sec.
* Out of nothing at all
* Making love
How do you know so much stuff about me?
Your sister's my best friend.
I've known you my whole life, and I can honestly say there's...
no one like you.
* Out of nothing at all Thanks.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out Erica was right...
Our family would never be the same.
To my peanut. ALL: To peanut!
Not a person in that room knew what the future held,
and, yeah, it was scary...
...but that's the thing about growing up.
You learn that the things that scare you most
end up being the greatest memories.
And for me, the best had yet to come.
Sure, sometimes I forget details
and always seem to get the dates wrong,
but everything we knew was changing.
And those next few years of 1980-something,
well, they'd become the stuff of legend.
Get ready to gobble-gobble, Goldbergs.
And your taste buds are about to explode.
ALL: * Happy birthday, dear Murray and Bev *
ADAM: Ah, no! Don't hurt me!
MURRAY: You almost broke that light!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
**