ADULT ADAM: The '80s were filled with monumental moments
that brought us all together.
In my household, that was me graduating high school
and making sure my mom wasn't gonna crumble to pieces.
Thank you for coming. Thank you.
I'm honored that you purchased us a meet-and-greet
with Hollywood actor Bill Bixby.
He's the guy who plays the Hulk when he's lame and not green.
Wait, Adam said that I was getting a lifetime supply
of Maybelline lip products.
Am I not getting my cherry cola gloss?
I will put my hands on you!
Sorry, it was just something I said to get you here.
Then who the hell am I here to meet and/or greet?
Me? Worst day ever!
We're getting off topic.
Tomorrow, I graduate high school,
and Mom is inevitably gonna fall to pieces.
Yeah, she is. Oh, I do get a gift.
All I'm asking is for my loving family
to keep her busy and distracted.
No. Never.
Come on!
You two are my siblings!
We share a bond.
Let me stop you right there.
And?
I just wanted to stop you right there.
Okay, what the dope means is,
we had to go through this when we graduated,
so now you have to go through it, too.
But I'm her last schmoo!
She's gonna freak out way more than with you two.
Oh, I never thought of it like that.
That changes everything. It makes it way funnier.
Best day ever!
Adam, I feel bad for you.
But I also don't feel bad for you.
(DOOR CLOSES) Blessings upon me.
All my boopies together in one place?
What is this?
Everyone just stopped by for my...
"We Are the Jenkintown" charity music video.
Oh, like "We Are the World," but infinitely smaller. What's your charity?
Uh, a really good one.
The Downtown... Women's...Center for Charity...Business.
Be careful, Adam.
Most of these places are gonna rip you off,
and that one sounds a little fake.
Because it is. Adam's scared that you're gonna wig out
and wreck his graduation, like you absolutely will.
You can all relax.
I know tomorrow is a big day in the history of me,
but I'm gonna be fine.
Plus, I've got my job as Quaker Warden to distract me.
Even though it's largely ceremonial?
I am also a woman of many hobbies,
like tennis, bedazzling, and cheesing meats.
Those will fill a minute or two,
but there's, like, eight waking hours in a day.
You sleep way too much, Barry.
Trust me, I got this.
This is a surprisingly refreshing attitude
that I will grasp onto.
Now, stop worrying about me.
Get on out there and live your young lives.
Scoot! Move it!
(CHUCKLES)
Welcome to the rest of your life, Beverly Goldberg.
(CHUCKLES)
ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom had it all planned out.
Until she found herself in an empty house,
totally and completely alone.
(BLEEP)
** I'm twisted up inside
** But nonetheless I feel the need to say
** I don't know the future
** But the past keeps getting clearer every day **
ADULT ADAM: It was May 18th, 1980-something,
and my sister, Erica, and her new husband
were settling into a life of marital bliss.
Done. Check it.
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Schneider,
thank you for the set of Egyptian cotton sheets.
We will think of you every time we climb into bed together."
Roll it back in your head, babe.
Oh, no, I'm an unintentionally naughty boy.
While you're at it, you might want to take another crack at
the one for the Rosens about the espresso machine
and how much fun we'll have grinding every morning?
Aw. Huge news!
You have a key to our apartment?
I had one made so I have a place to shower in this neighborhood.
But I'm gonna be a pop star!
Seems unlikely, but I'll go for a ride.
Cyndi Lauper has a show at the Spectrum,
and one of her backup singers left the tour
to take care of her dad, who got trapped in a grain silo
and developed something called "wheat brain."
Uh-oh, not wheat brain!
It may not be that, but the point is,
Cyndi's holding auditions for a one-night replacement.
It's all over the radio at my therapist's office.
And anyone can try out?
Erica, you got to do this.
I'm sorry, is Erica the one whose parents
bought her a fake Grammy on their trip to California?
Babe, I left my rock 'n' roll dreams behind.
I traded in my guitar for a guy
with long eyelashes and remarkably soft hands.
It's nice that you find beauty in my less masculine features,
but, come on, it's just one night,
and who's got a better voice than you?
Um, the girl who had Dad buy her a piano
that she only used for hiding wine coolers?
Joanne, you don't even sing.
Aunt Mildred says I have the "it" factor.
No, she said you have the "ick" factor.
Who cares? I'm gonna be a star.
Barry's really rubbing off on her.
Yeah, he is. Please, do it for me.
You know how much I used to love watching you perform.
I guess it'd be fun to just audition.
Fun, the thing that girls just want to have, per Cyndi.
Fine, you may have the looks and the incredible voice
and a stage presence that draws the eyes,
but you don't got what I got.
Is it the address?
I can just turn on the radio. Oh, damn it.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica was gonna chase her dreams again,
my mom was interrupting mine.
Aah!
So not okay!
No, what's not okay is you keep moving.
How else am I supposed to finish sketching
the front of my "Adam Sleeping Angel" book?
I didn't sign off on that project.
I'm an adult.
Please don't be in my room while I sleep.
Oh, poo, you don't mind it when I brush your hair.
What? Why do you think it's so silky smooth
when you wake up in the morning?
It's the mama hair fairy. Ugh!
Fine, I'll do it from memory.
ADULT ADAM: It was a waking nightmare.
Graduation day was almost here,
and my mom was still treating me like I was a baby.
This is your captain speaking.
I have a Pancake Airlines flight yumming in for a landing.
ADULT ADAM: And from there, believe it or not, it only got worse.
Look what I found!
A painful memory from my childhood?
Fun story -- I was up in the attic
just rooting through all the dozens of boxes
of your childhood clothes with my headlamp on,
and I just stumbled across it.
That is fun, if "fun" means totally and disturbingly insane.
Oh, I knew you'd be excited, too. Wanna try it on?
Not even a little, which is what that is,
because, again, I wore it as a child.
Well, I'm gonna let it out a little bit
to accommodate your beautifully developing man body.
(LAUGHS)
To think if I hadn't stopped to load up on groceries,
I would've missed this incredibly awesome moment.
Why are you here again?
Picking up toilet paper, cereal, string cheese,
a variety of juice boxes.
You want me to go to the market like an animal?
They want money for that stuff!
I gotta go make some last-minute alterations.
Oh, this is so much fun!
This is bad.
She's in total denial that I'm graduating.
I know you already said no,
but I really need your help, man.
Suppose I were to help you, what's in it for me?
The deep gratitude of your only brother?
Worthless.
I guess I could take all your graduation gifts.
But they're a way for the people in my life
to honor my biggest achievement.
And now they'll be honoring me.
Fine, all the extremely personal, tailor-made gifts
to start my adult life are yours.
Yeah, they are. And for no other reason
beyond cruel whimsy, I want the cards too.
ADULT ADAM: As Barry drove a hard bargain for my stuff,
Erica was ready to strut her stuff
and crush her audition for Cyndi Lauper.
Hey, how are you feeling?
I guess, nervous.
I mean, I don't usually get stage fright,
but I just threw up in a plastic plant.
That's because I'm in your head, girl.
Look at me.
I've prepared nothing, and I haven't even broken a sweat.
Joanne, what are you gonna do? Freestyle, baby.
I'm best when I'm in the moment.
(SCATTING)
Yeah!
Music... it's easy.
Attention, nameless hopefuls.
I am Delia Thornton, Ms. Lauper's manager,
confidant, and second cousin.
It's all about who you know, and thankfully,
I know my grandpa's brother's granddaughter.
Well, be prepared to have your socks knocked off.
I'm assuming you're wearing socks, because if not, gross.
Hard pass. What? I-I haven't even sung a note.
I don't like your energy.
Thank you for your consideration. Mm.
Erica Goldberg. ERICA: Here.
Um, I'm gonna sing "Time After Time."
Oh, great, I haven't heard that one today. Oh, good.
A one, two, three.
** Then you say, "Go slow"
** I fall behind
** The second hand unwinds
** If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
** Time after time **
** If you fall I will catch you
** I will be waiting
** Time after time **
No, no. That's enough.
(WHISTLES, IMITATES EXPLOSION)
Bomb city.
You're hired. Everybody else, you can leave.
GEOFF: For real? Yeah, for real?
For real. You've got pipes,
and I desperately want this to be over.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
You get to sing with Cyndi Lauper!
How do you feel? I feel...
ADULT ADAM: While Erica panicked about performing for a full house...
(DOORBELL RINGS) ...Barry was gonna show my mom that it wasn't so bad
to have an empty one.
Mom, Pop-Pop's come for a visit!
Mama, look, it's treasured family friend, Bill Lewis!
Mother of mine, it's neighbor and unlikely confidant,
John Glascott.
Grizzled Grandpappy, a query.
You've raised two kids.
How's life been since they went out on their own?
Best years of my life.
Without a doubt, it has been nice.
While I have almost no living relatives or progeny,
I consider my empty home a gift.
ADULT ADAM: Barry had considered everything,
except that this was a terrible idea.
I'm completely alone.
Every sound at night is just a burglar
coming to extinguish the pain of existence.
Sure, there were some dark days after Lainey left.
Dark, dark, daaaaark days.
And nights, which are naturally dark.
I currently fill my time
updating John and Bev's Adventure List.
This notebook contains over 100 fun activities and vacations
that you and I can go on once Adam's out of my way.
I spend my evenings at the window
flinging pistachio shells at the mice I've given names to.
Oh, who am I kidding? They're rats!
Never cleaned Lainey's room.
She'd left a bowl of Doritos
that rotted into mushy green triangles.
Every once in a while, I'd eat one
and I swear I can hear her laughter.
And if you look on page 37,
you'll see the Ottawa Non-Alcoholic Wine Festival.
But eventually, you get up, brush your tongue,
and pretend life is okay.
Every time I fall, I say, "This is where I'm going to die."
It's just Canadian grape juice.
But the real buzz comes from the people.
Mama, your mouth is hanging open. That's good, right?
For sure, schmoopie.
(BEVERLY SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Hard to know, but I think I made it better.
ADULT ADAM: The show had just ended, but my sister was still buzzing
with excitement for living out her rock star dream.
Oh, my God, that was amazing!
You were amazing! I was?
I mean, I felt like I was, but you felt it, too?
Totally! I mean, I was sitting right next to the fog machine,
so for a while, I thought you were the keyboardist. He has bangs, too.
He also has a soul patch.
Like I said, it was foggy.
Hon, thanks so much for pushing me to do this.
This was the best night of my entire life.
How would you like to have 243 more just like it?
Um, what are you talking about,
Cyndi Lauper's cousin's cousin?
I'm talking about you coming with us on the European tour.
Cyndi likes you.
Oh, my God, she does? She does.
You blend in perfectly with the background in every way.
So, are you in?
Oh, my God, I-I don't know.
I mean, uh, we just got married and I'm still in school.
Uh, do I have to decide right now?
No, no, take your time.
I'll just tell Cyndi you're on the fence
about traveling the world with her.
Wait, no, she's doing it.
Geoff, are you serious?
This has always been your dream.
Until it wasn't your dream for a little while,
but then it became your dream again,
and you gotta follow that dream to Europe,
home of all the great wars.
Fun guy you got there.
So, I'm gonna pencil you in as yes?
I guess this is happening. (CHUCKLES)
It's really happening. Yeah, it is.
ADULT ADAM: While Geoff knew Erica couldn't turn down that offer,
Barry turned to the Frentas to help with my mom.
There you are.
It was so hard to find you two,
because neither of you have jobs.
Uh, I have a thriving floral business.
Don't make me repeat myself.
And motherhood is a full-time...
Save it. Barry Goldberg!
I'm sorry, I'm just really worried about my mom.
Oh, no! Is she okay?
She's mumbling about building a time machine
to go back when her little baby
suckled at her life-giving grocery store. Her words.
And yet you remembered them
and thought to repeat them loudly in public.
I'm not looking for a give-and-take, Ginzy.
Time to throw on your unflattering jogging suits
and lift her spirits with one of your power walks!
Well, I wish I could, but I sprained my ankle at aerobics class.
Well, crossing the street to get to the wine bar after.
Also, I didn't go to aerobics class.
No one cares about your lack of discipline, Essie.
You need to help distract my mom from the sad reality
that her weirdest and youngest child is leaving home!
Barry, despite your unappealing words,
I understand, because my Chad is also graduating today.
Never heard of him. Stop with these flimsy excuses
and do your duty
as my mother's best friends/pathetic followers.
Now, go! Go, go! Oh. Okay.
Mama, look!
Your dear and aged friends are here of their own free will!
Why, so they can say goodbye forever like everybody else?
Sniffle, sniffle.
I'm sorry, I would sniffle for real, but all the crying
has left me stripped of my natural moistures.
Actually, we're here to take you
on a little pick-me-up power walk.
Fresh air, Mama.
God's Renuzit.
Well, I guess a little exercise might be a good thing.
There you go!
Now hit the open road with these two tumbleweeds.
Come on, off you go.
ADULT ADAM: As Barry sent my mom out walking,
Geoff was prepping Erica for the road.
Surprise! You're all packed.
Wow, look at you. Ready to get rid of me.
No, but I bet you'll never guess where all your underwear is.
Is it stuffed in my shoes?
Yeah, it's the patented Schwartz space saver.
And don't forget to layer up,
because Europe has seven different climates.
Uh-huh.
(GRUNTS) What are you doing?
Geoff, just stop! Stop what?
You always do this!
You're always such a supportive and loving husband
who puts my needs first!
I don't mean to! Of course you never mean to.
You just are.
And I'm sick of it!
You're always like "you, you, you, Erica,"
but what about your needs, damn it?
Well, my only need is for you to be happy.
How dare you?
What about your happiness, mister?
Have you ever considered yourself
for one single, solitary second?
No. Of course you haven't, you unselfish jerk.
I thought I was doing what you wanted.
You are... always, and I've had enough.
I'm sorry, I guess?
Well, you shouldn't be.
Every time you open your mouth, something nice spills out
and you make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
I can do better. You can't, you sweet son of a bitch.
You're literally perfect.
I don't have to be. I can change.
I can be the bad man you want.
You say that, but you don't mean it.
Just let me try. Fine!
For once in your life, stop being so damn loving
and tell me what you want.
I don't want you to go to Europe with Cyndi Lauper.
And there it is!
But guess what?
I don't want to go either.
I'm so lost.
So, wh-what's gonna happen?
I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna stay right here with my amazing husband.
You are? But what about your dream?
Geoff, you're my dream.
You.
My God, I love you so much.
I love you, too.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Geoff made a big decision together,
it was finally time for my big day.
Graduation was here,
and everything was just as I'd imagined,
except for the fact that Beverly Goldberg was missing.
Where the hell's my mom?
The only possible answer is
she's trapped at the bottom of a wishing well.
Dave Kim!
It's more plausible than her missing
her schmoopie's special day.
Adam, I'm sure she's just parking.
Or maybe Dave Kim's bottom-of-the-well thing.
It is odd.
Barry, where's Mom?
She's not up there with you?
Why would Mom be with me?
I don't know. To make you sit in her lap one last time?
What you two have is weird.
What's weird is that I'm here, and too early, if I may add.
And spare me some speeches some kid makes
that life is too short.
Not short enough, if you ask me.
Fine.
Keep an eye on our uplifting grandfather.
I'll go find Mom. Excuse me.
ADULT ADAM: And so, my brother hit the streets with one mission...
Get Beverly Goldberg to graduation.
(TIRES SQUEAL) Where the hell is my mom?
She was so fast.
Like a racehorse, you know?
We couldn't keep up.
Which way? There's no way to tell.
I blinked and she was beyond the horizon.
She has another gear, man.
Like, so explosive through her thighs and glutes.
Now, please, take me to my son's graduation!
Sorry, no time!
(TIRES SQUEAL) ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom had gone rogue,
and nothing was gonna stop Barry from finding her...
(HORN HONKING)
...except this.
Officer Puchinski, let me go through.
I have a minor family emergency.
Oh, I'm aware.
Get her out of the road. (CAR DOOR SLAMS)
(ENGINE REVS)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Mama!
What are you doing?
Oh, hey, boopie, I'm just getting a little power walk in.
It's just, Adam is graduating from high school right now.
Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
If I'm not there, it couldn't possibly be happening.
Look, I know you're having a hard time right now,
but you can't miss this. It's really important.
What's important is I keep walking and no one grows up
and no one ever leaves me and nothing ever changes.
But that's not how it works.
Why can't it?
Then my babies would still be here,
and I wouldn't be completely clueless
about what to do with the rest of my life.
I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
You're gonna face it head-on.
Might not always be easy.
In fact, it... it might hurt sometimes,
but you're so lucky, 'cause Adam?
He's gonna miss you as much as you're gonna miss him.
How do you know?
Because that's how I feel.
Why do you think I'm always at the house?
Groceries?
Obviously, but also because it's home.
It's where you and Dad are.
That will never, ever change.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm missing my baby's graduation!
The hell you are. I heard every word.
Stay on my tail.
(TIRES SQUEAL) (SIREN WAILS)
Beverly! Wait!
ADULT ADAM: The time to graduate was here,
but my mom still wasn't.
Welcome, students and families,
to the graduation of the class of 198...
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
If everyone would please take a seat,
we will...commence.
(LAUGHS) Randall Henry Abington,
come get your diploma.
What the hell, man?
It's starting, and my mom is nowhere in sight.
Mine is.
What? Does everything have to be about you?
Brea Bee!
Come on down!
Sorry, Ad, kinda gotta do this.
At least try to stall.
Stall? Vamp?
Do a little soft shoe? Tell a story with your feet.
PRINCIPAL BALL: Brea, I got a lot of names here.
If you'd just put a little zip in your howdy.
He has no power over you anymore.
You are molasses, baby.
Let's go, youngsters.
There you are. Where've you been?
Oh, um, I was still nauseous,
so I just popped in to see the doctor.
Is everything all right? Actually, yeah.
Better than all right.
(SIREN WAILING)
(HORN HONKING)
(SPECTATORS MURMUR)
(CAR DOOR CLOSES) BEVERLY: Whew!
You may begin, I'm here.
And I'm here, too! I'm so sorry, Chadwick!
Your father saved us terrible seats.
Oh, Mom! You made it out of the wishing well.
What does that mean, schmoopie?
It's one of the many working theories of your whereabouts.
Any chance you were buried under rubble?
I had $20 on it.
Barry, thank you.
No problem, Ad Rock.
It's a pretty big day for all of us.
And that includes all the other people here
who aren't Goldbergs.
Now can I please get these kids off my books?
Do your thing! I'm barely here.
Adam Frederick Goldberg.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(TIME AFTER TIME BY CYNDI LAUPER PLAYING) Whoo!
ADULT ADAM: And with that, it was a few steps to the end of an era.
It happened in a blink, and I can only imagine
what that felt like for my mom.
** The second hand unwinds
** If you're lost you can look and you will find me
** Time after time
** If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
** Time after time
** If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
** Time after time
** If you fall I will catch you I will be waiting
** Time after time
ADULT ADAM: Yeah, I couldn't have done any of it without her or my dad.
And standing up there, I thought about
all the people who got me to this day...
The friends, the teachers...
And another page turns.
Way to go, young people!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ADULT ADAM: ...but especially the greatest, most insane,
loving family a kid could ever ask for.
Mama, you okay?
(SIGHS)
You know what? I am. I am.
I know there's no more babies at home, but it's okay.
I'm excited for what's next.
Yeah, Mom, about that.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God.
You're not.
What isn't she?
Actually, I am.
(screams)
(LAUGHING) Why is she screaming?
Geoff, we're having a baby.
(SCREAMS)
Really? I'm gonna be a dad?
You're gonna be the best dad.
Mazel tov, kiddos.
My baby's having a baby!
I'm gonna be a grandma!
That's the most important person in a new child's life!
(LAUGHS)
ADULT ADAM: You know, my Pops once said,
"Always bet on the side of love."
I miss him every day, but he lives on,
because like with all matters of the heart, he was right.
That's just what my family does.
We bet on love.
And for the most part, it's worked out pretty great.
Of course, looking back,
every little detail may not have been exactly right.
But there's one thing I am sure about...
It was a day I would never forget.
You know how it goes by now.
It was 1980-something, the year I graduated high school,
the year I became an uncle, and it was awesome.
** Time after time **
Hurry up, I'm excited!
ADAM: Just know I'm doing this as a graduation gift to you.
(GASPS) Holy (BLEEP)
An angel has fallen to earth and put on a sweater.
I immediately regret this.
(LAUGHS) Cool train, bro.
That means you're a train lover.
It's open to interpretation!
Oh, but wait, there's more. Please say there's a hat.
You know there's a damn hat!
For the kissy express,
of course the conductor wears a hat.
Chugga-chugga-schmoo-schmoo!
Oh!
Holy (BLEEP)