Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,
Country-Western music swept the nation,
from Dolly Parton to Reba McEntire.
The cowboy hats and line dancing
even found their way to suburban Philly.
JTP? What are you doing here?
We came to see if Barry wanted to go to the campus pool
and watch the ladies diving team.
We're extremely lonely, and it's currently not illegal.
Tell me if this is a good pick-up line --
"Nice splash, toots." It's not.
Barry: I hear the JTP! I'm not coming down!
You have to, honey!
We kiss, so you do the things I want.
[ Sighs ] Fine!
But I don't want to hear so much as a peep from anyone!
Tarnation! Holy cowboy.
Very pale rider. Barry: Have at it!
For your information, Joanne has been taking me line dancing,
and since I'm loving and supportive, I have embraced it.
Mm! Not as much as those jeans
have embraced your buttocks and thighs.
Yes, I do traditionally enjoy a loose trouser
that accommodates my thunderous lower half,
but these Lee jeans are surprisingly comfy.
They hug nice. Jo Jo like.
Is that a pearl-snap cowboy shirt?
Good eye, Naked Rob.
You can yank it right off like a Sixers warm-up jersey.
I've done it. It starts the mood.
And I see you've chosen a black hat?
Does that make you the villain?
Don't be absurd, Matt Bradley.
Does your tie-dye shirt make you the chill, mellow, nice guy?
It kinda does, yeah.
Well, I just have one more question --
are there single women at this place?
A ton, and they all dress in Daisy Dukes,
crop tops, and pigtail braids.
I wanna be a good ol' boy! Me, too!
Yee-haw I think! Oh, wait!
If you wanna join us, we have to teach you to dance.
Toes on the line and follow my lead!
♪♪
Channel the pain of a hardscrabble prairie life --
Coaster Step into a Lasso Spin!
Joanne: Oh, y'all are naturals!
Doing things in a line is fun!
Big finish!
Rocking Chair into a Rattlesnake Shimmy!
And Heel, Shuffle, Pose!
Yee-haw!
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
-- Captions by VITAC --
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
It was November 2, 1980-something,
and after losing my job on the movie set,
I had some time on my hands.
Need help with the groceries?
Thank you, Schmoo.
Maybe too much time.
Oh, no. That goes over here.
Oh, that goes, uh, over here.
Oh, my God. These go here.
Oh, no. Honey.
Oh, Jeebus.
Yeah, Schmoo, Schmoo?
Why don't you go play with your Nintendos?
Blech. I've beaten every game.
What's going on in your world, my grumpy gramps?
Sorting buttons.
Why?
So they're in groups.
Enough with the questions, Joe Friday.
Ooh, a swirly one.
Beginner's luck.
Less talkin', more sortin'.
So I started spending more time with the only person
who had nowhere else to go.
Just one time I'd like to see
Judge Wapner sentence someone to death.
Oh, this is much too...
Creamy. ...creamy, yeah.
Uh, another squirrel made it across.
Yep, hanging with Pop-Pop wasn't super exciting,
but it filled the days.
Need help buckling her in?
No, we're okay, but are you?
Oh, yeah.
After my nap, I'm gonna split a pear with Pop-Pop.
Wow. Sounds pretty jam-packed.
Tuesdays, am I right?
It's Friday. Good talk.
Uh, uh...see you around the mulberry tree.
Oh, man, Adam's spending way too much time with Pop-Pop.
Eh, we got our own kid to worry about.
He's probably fine.
But I wasn't.
I really wasn't.
Need help with Muriel?
Nope? Cool.
Dude, I wouldn't let you near our child right now.
She poops herself and she's cleaner than you.
[ Chuckles ] Roger that.
Uh, Erica, what is going on with him?
Remember when I dropped out of college
and I sank into a slovenly self-hating abyss?
Oh, no. That was such an unappealing time for you.
Not my point.
But, yes, we have to help him. Yeah.
Hey, Adam, I say this with love --
you're pathetic and hard to look at.
Smelling you is also no picnic.
That's you?
I thought your mom's been making hard-boiled eggs all week.
I get it, I'm in a bit of a rut.
But it'll pass.
Adam, I've been where you are.
When I stopped going to school, things got dark. Real dark.
Like, "What am I doing with this person?" dark.
Easy, now.
But now she follows basic hygiene like the rest of us.
You're doing it, baby! Guys, it's all good.
I'm just gonna chill on the couch and watch "Gunsmoke"
until I can finally go to NYU.
It's not all good. You look and smell like hot ass.
Find a new job.
Hey! Lay off the kid.
He's got Lyme disease.
Adam doesn't have Lyme disease.
I thought that's why he's being such a lazy slug.
Some tick stole his life force, no?
Fine, I'll look for a job.
Yeah, I'll even help.
Everywhere I turn, he's there.
And his button sorting is [bleep]
My life didn't give me much to brag about.
But as a new grandmother, my mom was as boastful as ever.
Oh, my signature client.
What are we doing today?
How about nothing because you're perfect?
[ Chuckles ] Oh, Frank, stop.
Why hasn't some gal scooped you up yet?
That's a mystery to my mother, too.
Have I shown you the most recent
200 photos of my granddaughter?
Ginzy, can you pick up the end?
Yeah! Always happy to help.
Maybe, um, go down a little bit. Okay.
Really stretch it taut so he can get a bird's-eye view.
Frank, I, too, am Muriel's grandmother.
Linda, please, this is my time.
Prepare yourself, Frank.
You're gonna love these more than that Elton John concert
you wouldn't shut up about.
[ All chuckle ] Beverly Goldberg.
But who's guarding the bridge if the troll is here?
Jane Bales. That's quite an outfit.
Is your horse hitched outside?
Or are you the horse and Jane is hitched outside?
It's all so confusing because you both have,
wait for it...
horse faces. [ Neighs ]
Tedious and clumsy, just like you.
We're going line dancing.
Not something you'd be familiar with, Grandma.
Oh, so you heard the incredible news
that I created someone who created someone?
I was referring to your gray, desiccated, listless hair.
[ Scoffs ] I can't see any gray.
It's blurry.
You really should pick up those bifocals
that Lou ordered [clears throat]
is something that I should've said privately.
Don't worry.
This old crone can't hear you unless you shout.
So, will I see you all tonight at Rhinestones and Roses?
Hold up!
You guys go line dancing together?
Well, we invited you.
But you said you were,
you know, too tired from being a grandma.
I said that?
Your exact words were, "I'm tired.
Being a grandma makes me tired. I'm a tired grandma."
Well, when you put as much effort into it as I do,
it can be tiring because I am not just a good grandma --
Oh, God, please say it.
I am a great grandma. [ Gasps ]
There it is.
Yes, you are a great, great grandma.
Damn it! So much unfortunate word play.
This has honestly been too perfect.
So, good luck with your grays, Granny.
I'm gonna get out of Frank's way
because God knows he's got his work cut out for him.
[ Chuckles ] Bye!
Well, thanks for getting my back, Essie!
I don't know. I thought it went fine.
Oh, really? Is this fine?
[ Gasps ] Why?!
Linda was closer!
Frank will fix it when he's done with me.
Get those fingers flying, Frank.
Jane Bales had rattled my mom.
Meanwhile, I was reeling from the lack of job opportunities.
Okay, I found the perfect job for you --
mortician's assistant.
Magician's assistant?
Saw me in half and pull a rabbit outta my butt, I'm in!
Mortician. Their only trick
is to pickle dead people so they don't rot too fast.
Considering I threw up when I saw
whatever's going on with your heel, I'm gonna pass.
Oh, my. Didn't realize I was splitting an egg cream with the Prince of Persia.
Happy birthday, Mr. Presidents.
I'm sex symbol Marilyn someone.
Uh, what'll it be?
What the hell is this place?
It's a '50s diner, gramps.
People are suckers for nostalgia.
'50s, feh. Why did TV need color?
Carla, I'll handle this table.
Blue suede shoes. [ Grunts ]
Can I take your order?
Johnny, it's Adam. You know me.
Oh, hey, Goldnerd.
Welcome to the old times. What can I get you?
How about another waiter?
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Normally, I just manage the place,
but we're short-staffed.
Ha! Short-staffed.
I'm in a position of authority.
Oh, man, this is actually perfect.
I'm looking for a job.
You got any experience waiting tables?
No, but I have tons of experience
eating at tables.
That's not nothin'.
Follow-up question -- Are you now,
or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
I don't think so.
You're hired. That's it?
The kid's spilled three times,
and we haven't ordered a thing yet.
The bar is real low here.
Nice. I did it.
So I was gonna be a waiter.
Meanwhile, my mom wasn't gonna have to wait much longer
to prove to Jane Bales that she was still young.
Wait, don't tell me you boys are into line dancing, too.
It's awesome and sweaty and fun!
It's like sports, but there's girls.
Girls play sports.
You've oversimplified my new passion.
I'm partial to jazz and tap, but it fills a void.
Wait, am I the only person in Jenkintown
who hasn't tried this? Yes, ma'am.
In fact, I was thinking, we should all have cowboy names.
And then at the honky-tonk,
that's what we use to talk to each other.
That's perfect.
Great! Okay. 'Cause I already got my name -- Bronco.
I'll be Bronco. Wait, what?
I'm feeling like a Tex. It's my very first thought,
but I also don't care, 'cause I freakin' love it.
You got it, Tex. Thank you kindly, Bronco.
Wait, that's my name. What about Colt for me?
It's settled. You're Colt,
Naked Rob is Tex, Barry is Bronco,
and Andy is Half-Pint. Half-Pint?
What does that have to do with anything country?
Oh, and I'll be Miss Lula Blaze from Tombstone Gulch.
You're joining us for some boot-scootin', Mrs. G?
If it's what the young people are doing,
it's what I'm doing, too.
Let's rock! Okay.
♪ Hey, ho, here we go, let's ride... ♪
Beverly, so great to see you here!
And that "Cowgirl" sweater
is adorable.
And accurate,
because "girl" is what I am.
Other words that might go here are
"agile," "energetic," "robust,"
and, of course, "proud American."
Oh, that seems like
that would require a lot of rhinestones.
Hi, Barry. I'm not Barry, I'm Bronco.
Colt. Tex.
Andy's fine.
Okay, cowboys and cowgirls, time to hit the dance floor!
Mom, you sure you wanna do this?
It's harder than it looks.
Please, Barry.
Disco, salsa, break, belly --
there isn't a dance I haven't mastered.
[ Grunts ] Let's go.
Beverly, you're here.
Did one of these fine men throw a rope around you
and try to take you to auction?
If that's not clear, I'm suggesting --
It's clear.
I love your 10-gallon hat and your 20-gallon skirt.
If that wasn't clear -- It's clear!
Now let's get to steppin'!
[ Cheering ] Yee-haw!
Man: Two, three, four!
And step my mom did. Oh.
She stepped on Essie. Ow! Ow!
Essie! Watch your big feet.
Sorry! They're just a little big.
She stepped on Linda. Oh!
It's okay, it happens all the time.
Stay in your space.
And finally, she stepped on herself.
Whoa! Oh! Ow! Ow!
Ooh, we have a nag down in the barn.
Mom! A nag is down in the barn.
I'm being folksy, but I think that woman is really hurt.
Ooh, my gorgeous ankle!
And just like that, my mom's attempt to rise above
Jane Bale's insults led to her falling on the dance floor
and feeling lower than ever.
After my mom's spill on the dance floor,
she was determined to get herself back on track.
But there were some obstacles.
Good news, it's just a sprain.
But you will need some help walking.
And her new bifocals were just so-so. [ Sighs ]
Are you sure these make me seem younger?
Absolutely.
You look like all my aunts I had crushes on.
But they're stylish, right?
Beverly, when it comes to eyewear,
no one knows hip like King Louie.
King Louie?
Would I refer to myself in such regal terms
if I wasn't completely confident?
And, unfortunately, there was a hiccup at the hair salon.
Goodbye, gray. Hello, platinum blonde!
Uh-oh.
[ Gasps ] What the [bleep] Frank?!
[ Door bell jingles ] Things couldn't get any worse for my mom...
until the absolute worst walked in.
[ Sighs ] Perfect.
Beverly, nice to see you.
Why aren't you hurling insults at me?
I look like the "Where's the beef?" lady
from the Wendy's commercial.
Don't be silly.
Are you pitying me?
[ Scoffs ] Nonsense.
Just, um, taking a little break
from our usual sparring.
Look me in the eye, Jane.
I'd rather not.
Jane, look me in the eye and insult me!
Beverly, don't make me.
"Where's the beef?" Please don't say that.
"Where's the beef?" Beverly, stop it!
"Where's the beef?"
That's enough! Okay?
You just -- God, you look so old.
And it is so sad.
And I just feel awful for everything I've ever said to you.
As my mom was hitting a new low...
How far have I fallen?
...I was hitting the bongos in my new role as a beatnik.
Specials.
Carrot soup...tuna...
and truth.
Here's some truth -- the tuna was also yesterday's special.
Read into that what you will.
♪♪
[ Indistinct chatter on television ]
Hey, there he is. Yo, daddy-o, how's it cookin'?
You're not at work. Don't talk like that.
Dig it. Where you going?
"Wheel" is on.
Can't. I gotta bone up on my diner lingo.
Did you know "Adam and Eve on a raft" is toast and eggs?
So folksy and unnecessary.
Eh, not sure about this job.
What are you talking about? This is great for him.
Yeah, he pulled himself out of his rut so fast.
Erica went ungroomed for months.
We covered that part of my past, Geoff.
I had to buy a horse-mane brush from the feed shop.
Yep, peaks and valleys. We all got 'em.
Once, I saw her make a Cheetos sandwich.
Before she took a bite she told it, it was her best friend.
That cheesy, crunchy sandwich
is definitely topping you right now.
First Adam's a beatnik, next thing you know,
he's shooting dice with Lenny Bruce and the Black Panthers.
That seems like a logical next step after a diner job,
but the kid has a purpose again.
If you're worried about him, just go down to the diner.
You'll feel better seeing Adam working hard.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Also, all this sad sandwich and horse-brush talk
makes me want to take a break from you two for a while.
While Pop-Pop was missing me at home,
my mom was missing her youth.
"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe."
And she was probably younger than me.
[ Babbles ]
I mean, look at her, so vibrant,
living the dream in her downtown shoe.
That's not how that goes.
How it goes is downhill from here.
Watch Muriel for a sec.
I gotta get her pacifier.
Why are you carrying your purse?
Because that's what old ladies do.
We clutch our purses filled with Geritol tablets,
frayed bingo cards, and memories of what was.
Alright, Mom, this is ridiculous.
Just put this down.
Get off me, you whippersnapper.
Whippersnapper?
That's right. That's a word I use now.
That's enough!
You are not that old, and you know it.
And the doctor said your ankle's back to normal,
so you can stop with the cane.
Okay, well, it doesn't matter.
I feel old.
I'm a grandma, a widow.
It's obvious my best days are behind me.
Oh, stop it.
You're the most energetic, relentless,
and intrusive person I've ever known.
Oh, Barry.
How is it you always know the exact right thing to say?
What do you say?
We practice a little more
and hit Rhinestones and Roses tonight?
I say yee-haw!
Thanks to Barry, my mom was on a roll,
and I was serving one to an unexpected customer.
Hey, Pop-Pop!
This roll is stale.
An unexpected and difficult customer.
New one coming up. Good to see you.
And coffee. You got it.
I don't want what's been sitting around.
Fresh pot.
Snap, snap, snap.
An unexpected, difficult, and rude customer.
And things got worse from there.
That was too close to Marlon Brando.
He changed tables.
Tomatoes are too wet.
He sent back food.
And, Marilyn, you were never good enough for DiMaggio.
Not even close!
I don't know or care who that is.
And, of course, the service was not to his liking.
Oh, thanks for remembering me.
I had to yell at that guy
who was dressed like Frank Sinatra.
That's just a guy with blue eyes.
And why are you riding me like this?
What, because I'm your grandfather,
I should let you slack off? Huh?
With that attitude, you get no tip. Fine.
I'll give you a tip instead. You're bad news, daddy-o.
That's it. Where's Elvis?
I demand to see Elvis!
Love me tender. How can I help you?
This beatnik has no respect.
To think people like me fought in a war
so that he could smoke clove cigarettes
and write poems that don't rhyme.
You didn't fight in the war.
I said people like me!
Why are you being such a turd right now?
Whoa, Goldnerd, much as I respect you
for treating customers like this,
you can't treat customers like this.
You're fired. What?
No, I-I didn't mean -- Save it!
All you wanted was for me to get a job
and learn how to work hard, then you come here and ruin it?
Thanks a lot, Pop-Pop.
♪♪
With Barry's help, my mom was ready
to honky-tonk the night away and reclaim her youth.
But she forgot one thing...
Okay, we're off.
Muriel just woke up, and, uh, she's in a mood. Enjoy.
Wait, you guys are going out?
Remember? You're babysitting?
We have Lou's dumb eye man award ceremony.
Geoff: He's being honored by
the Professional Ophthalmologists of Philadelphia.
Yes, the acronym is POOP,
and, no, I don't know why they don't change it.
So Lou's winning a...?
You know it's a Poopie.
And how would you phrase it if he won?
[ Sighs ] My dad brought home the Poopie.
Yeah, worth it.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I guess it's for the best.
I would've just embarrassed myself again anyway.
Back to being just a grandma.
Maybe there's another option.
[ Country music playing ]
So they did what any fun, youthful grandma would do --
bring a baby to a Country-Western bar.
I need to borrow the mic for a second.
That's not something we really -- Yes. Yeah.
[ Clears throat ] Attention, honky-tonkers.
Barry: Whoo!
The other night,
I made a bit of a fool of myself
here on the dance floor,
and I have to admit, I was feelin' kind of low.
But then someone reminded me
that just because you get a little older,
it doesn't mean you're not still young at heart.
I'd like to dedicate this first dance to him.
We don't do dedications.
To my son, Bronco Goldberg.
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ]
You may begin the hoedown!
Whoo!
-Yee-haw! -Whoo-hoo!
This is a terrible idea, Beverly.
You are gonna fall on that baby.
The only thing I'm gonna destroy
is the dance floor.
What?
No. No. I said "fall."
Did you not hear me?
I'm even more concerned now.
And with that, my mom was back in the saddle...
I'm the first woman to have it all!
...while I was still saddled with disappointment.
You got a second?
Whatever.
I got your job back.
Thanks.
But I still don't understand
why you came in and acted that way.
It was like you were mad at me or something.
I dunno.
Sort of got used to having you around.
And I thought maybe it didn't mean as much to you
as it did to me.
So...you missed me.
Hey, don't put words in my mouth.
But, yeah, I guess I did.
You could have just said something.
I'm not so good at yapping about my feelings and whatnot.
It's not what I do.
Well, I think you're doing it right now.
You know, you're pretty smart for a total idiot.
♪♪
Getting older can be hard, no matter what age we are.
[ Groans ]
Yee-haw!
But the amazing thing is,
that doesn't mean we can't change for the better.
Wanna hold her? [ Gasps ] Yes.
Oh!
Oh, she's so precious.
You must be so happy, Beverly.
I am. I really am.
And at least now you've got someone
who's your intellectual equal.
Gasp! Was that a swipe at me?
Thank you, Jane Bales.
Because no matter how many candles burn on our cake,
what keeps us young is the fire that burns in our hearts.
♪♪
And regardless of what age we are,
the lessons we learn along the way
are most special...
Oh. Aw! Ah!
...when we share them with the people we love.
Whoo-hoo!
♪♪
events have caused me to realize
that country music is incredibly simple
to write and perform.
That's not even remotely true.
Well, I've written a song and I want you to record it,
vaulting us both to stardom
as a mother-daughter country duo.
Give it a whirl.
I can whirl it into the nearest trash can.
I'll finish folding all of Muriel's laundry.
Ladies and gentlemen, "Bubbe's Waltz."
[ Chuckles ]
[ Strumming guitar ]
♪ Drove her wagon down to the farm ♪
♪ Had a cold beer with some hot shrimp parm ♪
♪ She wears a sweater and bedazzled boots ♪
♪ She gives nom-noms to her schmoopie-poops ♪
♪ She's a bubbe baby with a golden mane ♪
♪ She's a bubbe baby with looks and brains ♪
What do you think?
I think I'm an incredible singer,
and I still can't make this work.