1
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,849
MAN: Mickey, have a pee before you go!
In the toilet this time!

2
00:01:17,933 --> 00:01:20,769
(DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV)

3
00:01:29,778 --> 00:01:31,405
WOMAN: Mickey! Move!

4
00:01:31,488 --> 00:01:35,993
- Don't sit on the back of the sofa.
- What? Whoa! Ow!

5
00:01:36,076 --> 00:01:37,369
Time to get a move on, OK?

6
00:01:37,452 --> 00:01:40,372
Scottish Granddad and his puppies
are waiting for us.

7
00:01:40,455 --> 00:01:44,209
Let me take this, let me...
Oh! Jeez, what the...

8
00:01:44,668 --> 00:01:47,546
Oh, for f... What's that?

9
00:01:47,671 --> 00:01:48,797
That's Eric.

10
00:01:49,756 --> 00:01:50,924
- Eric?
- Yes.

11
00:01:51,008 --> 00:01:53,552
He wants to come
to Scotland with us, too.

12
00:01:53,677 --> 00:01:55,929
Thing is, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and...

13
00:01:56,013 --> 00:01:59,683
Hang on, there's a... What's this?

14
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:03,687
- That's Norman.
- That's... half a breeze block.

15
00:02:03,770 --> 00:02:07,482
- How did you even pick that up?
- I can't sleep without Norman.

16
00:02:07,566 --> 00:02:09,651
You sleep with... with this in your bed?

17
00:02:09,735 --> 00:02:13,614
No, that would be stupid!
He goes at the bottom of my bed

18
00:02:13,697 --> 00:02:16,700
to make sure the bad ones
don't come in.

19
00:02:16,783 --> 00:02:20,912
- So there's bad stones and good stones?
- Yeah. Like in real life.

20
00:02:20,996 --> 00:02:22,497
Sure.

21
00:02:22,581 --> 00:02:25,334
(CONVERSATION CONTINUES UPSTAIRS)

22
00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:27,919
- (CAR ALARM BLARES)
- MAN: That's our car alarm!

23
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:30,422
WOMAN: Oh, for God's sake!

24
00:02:32,007 --> 00:02:36,303
For Odin! (ROARS)

25
00:02:42,059 --> 00:02:45,270
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Bloody thing.

26
00:02:47,314 --> 00:02:48,649
Bugger off.

27
00:02:48,732 --> 00:02:51,485
(MUFFLED RINGING)

28
00:02:55,072 --> 00:02:58,241
No, I'm sorry, darling,
we can't take Norman to Scotland.

29
00:02:58,325 --> 00:03:00,744
- Or Eric.
- Right, then I'm gonna hold my breath.

30
00:03:00,827 --> 00:03:04,039
No, no, no. Don't do that.
Jess, Jess. Jess, stop it. Jess. Jess.

31
00:03:05,666 --> 00:03:09,211
OK, they can come. Look?
Fine. See? They're coming, it's OK.

32
00:03:09,294 --> 00:03:11,338
Look, look, in they go, in the bag.

33
00:03:12,297 --> 00:03:14,132
So her best friends are stones now?

34
00:03:14,257 --> 00:03:16,218
Not all of them.
Some of them are bricks.

35
00:03:16,301 --> 00:03:19,554
Well, have you, you know,
have you spoken to anyone about it?

36
00:03:19,638 --> 00:03:22,391
What, like a geologist?
Oh, this thing hates me.

37
00:03:22,474 --> 00:03:25,852
I'm just saying that...
obsessive collecting,

38
00:03:25,936 --> 00:03:28,605
it's rather abnormal behaviour
for a child to...

39
00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:30,732
She's behaving abnormally?
I wonder why.

40
00:03:30,816 --> 00:03:32,567
For Christ's sake, Abi, just get...

41
00:03:32,651 --> 00:03:35,570
- OK, sweetie?
- Everything all right?

42
00:03:35,654 --> 00:03:38,156
- I need a list.
- A list?

43
00:03:38,281 --> 00:03:41,910
Yeah, of the lies we're going to tell.
In case I forget one.

44
00:03:44,329 --> 00:03:47,708
- That is a clove hitch.
- It's just a list would be helpful.

45
00:03:47,791 --> 00:03:51,461
- Has anyone seen my house keys?
- Oh, M25 slow moving between...

46
00:03:51,545 --> 00:03:53,714
- Keys, keys, keys.
- ...well, everywhere.

47
00:03:53,797 --> 00:03:55,716
It's just a list would be
really helpful.

48
00:03:55,799 --> 00:03:58,927
It's really very simple.
It's Granddad's 75th birthday party

49
00:03:59,010 --> 00:04:02,514
and we don't want to upset him
because he's been a bit poorly...

50
00:04:02,597 --> 00:04:05,016
He's getting better now.

51
00:04:06,101 --> 00:04:07,561
Yes, but...

52
00:04:07,644 --> 00:04:10,021
- (CAR ALARM BLARES)
- Oh, Jesus H Christ!

53
00:04:10,105 --> 00:04:13,024
Mummy, you're not supposed to
shout Jesus's name like that.

54
00:04:13,108 --> 00:04:15,986
No, that's all right,
it's cos I'm asking for His help.

55
00:04:16,069 --> 00:04:18,029
- To stop the car alarm?
- Yep.

56
00:04:18,113 --> 00:04:21,074
- (CAR ALARM STOPS)
- See? Thank you, Jesus.

57
00:04:21,908 --> 00:04:23,034
Come on, all aboard!

58
00:04:25,328 --> 00:04:27,748
- MICKEY: Enemies of Odin!
- I want the window seat!

59
00:04:27,831 --> 00:04:30,709
- Have you got your key?
- No, I gave you my key, remember?

60
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:34,671
- Yeah. Yep.
- We can't leave the house unlocked.

61
00:04:34,755 --> 00:04:36,590
- No, I'm aware of that.
- Don't start.

62
00:04:36,673 --> 00:04:39,092
Nobody's starting.
You supervise the little ones.

63
00:04:39,176 --> 00:04:42,262
- Well, where are your keys?
- Erm, I think someone's hidden them.

64
00:04:42,345 --> 00:04:45,140
Oh, for f...
We've got to address this.

65
00:04:45,223 --> 00:04:47,225
- How many times?
- Don't start!

66
00:04:47,350 --> 00:04:49,436
- We're not starting, darling.
- OK.

67
00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:51,855
- Well, where are you going?
- Lucy.

68
00:04:51,938 --> 00:04:54,191
OLDER GIRL: She won't let me
put her seat belt on.

69
00:04:54,274 --> 00:04:56,651
- JESS: I don't like it!
- We've got to put it on.

70
00:04:56,735 --> 00:04:59,613
She'll be through the window screen
and cut into tiny pieces.

71
00:04:59,696 --> 00:05:03,200
Yes, thank you, Mickey.
Ooh, I've got a good idea.

72
00:05:03,283 --> 00:05:07,329
Why don't we ask Eric
if he knows how to put...?

73
00:05:07,412 --> 00:05:10,081
- It is Norman, Mum.
- Norman, as I was saying,

74
00:05:10,165 --> 00:05:13,335
why don't we ask Norman if
he knows how to put a seat belt on?

75
00:05:13,418 --> 00:05:14,753
He's a breeze block!

76
00:05:14,878 --> 00:05:18,548
And he doesn't have arms! How could he
possibly put my seat belt on?

77
00:05:18,632 --> 00:05:20,133
Right, I'm putting it on.

78
00:05:20,217 --> 00:05:22,093
It's the stone
that needs the seat belt.

79
00:05:22,177 --> 00:05:25,263
Because if we brake hard,
it will go straight through your head

80
00:05:25,388 --> 00:05:29,184
or Daddy's head if he's driving...
for your information.

81
00:05:31,812 --> 00:05:34,314
Oh, hi, Lucy.
Erm, Abi's managed to lose her keys

82
00:05:34,397 --> 00:05:36,650
and I need to lock up,
so could I borrow the spare?

83
00:05:38,026 --> 00:05:39,486
If you could just let me have...

84
00:05:42,906 --> 00:05:46,201
- Oh.
- Oh, no, Luce, it's fine.

85
00:05:46,284 --> 00:05:47,828
Oh, right.

86
00:05:52,415 --> 00:05:55,293
So, you're off on your travels.

87
00:05:55,418 --> 00:05:57,003
Yeah, to visit my dad.

88
00:05:57,087 --> 00:05:59,548
- You're driving all the way to Scotland?
- That's right.

89
00:05:59,631 --> 00:06:01,299
- Together?
- Yeah.

90
00:06:01,508 --> 00:06:02,968
JESS: 700...

91
00:06:03,051 --> 00:06:05,303
ABI: We cannot drive to the Highlands
in one day.

92
00:06:05,428 --> 00:06:07,430
MAN: I told Gavin
we'd be there tonight.

93
00:06:07,514 --> 00:06:10,392
- We haven't got a cat's hope in hell.
- We can share the driving.

94
00:06:10,475 --> 00:06:13,019
- What, with Jenson Button?
- Please don't argue.

95
00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:15,856
We're not arguing, darling,
we're discussing.

96
00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:18,024
This is how it starts.
You start discussing,

97
00:06:18,108 --> 00:06:21,194
- then end up shouting and screaming.
- Then the policeman comes.

98
00:06:22,362 --> 00:06:24,573
That was just a misunderstanding,
sweetheart.

99
00:06:24,656 --> 00:06:28,326
Sometimes when grown-ups
discuss things... very loudly,

100
00:06:28,451 --> 00:06:31,204
- people get the wrong ideas.
- He let me play with his Taser.

101
00:06:31,288 --> 00:06:34,291
- Well, he didn't let you.
- That was another misunderstanding.

102
00:06:34,374 --> 00:06:38,670
- He didn't say I couldn't.
- Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy?

103
00:06:39,713 --> 00:06:41,506
No, not nice.

104
00:06:45,343 --> 00:06:47,888
JESS: So, we're all going to have
a holiday together?

105
00:06:47,971 --> 00:06:50,765
Yeah, yep. It'll be lovely, won't it?

106
00:06:50,849 --> 00:06:55,979
Does that mean that Daddy's
gonna come and live with us again?

107
00:06:56,062 --> 00:06:59,316
Well, no, sweetheart,
we've been through all this, haven't we?

108
00:06:59,399 --> 00:07:00,984
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey?

109
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:04,446
And the important thing to remember
is that Mummy and Daddy...

110
00:07:04,529 --> 00:07:06,406
...both love you very much,

111
00:07:06,489 --> 00:07:12,037
but then sometimes a mummy and a daddy
reach a point where,

112
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:13,371
well, things change,

113
00:07:13,496 --> 00:07:17,542
and then one of them finds that
they don't really love the other one

114
00:07:17,626 --> 00:07:21,171
like they used to,
and then, maybe because of that,

115
00:07:21,254 --> 00:07:24,758
the other one... makes a mistake.

116
00:07:24,841 --> 00:07:26,217
Like Lloyd's dad?

117
00:07:26,301 --> 00:07:29,429
Well, that was actually
quite a big mistake.

118
00:07:29,512 --> 00:07:31,890
Running over Lloyd's mum with his car,
that was...

119
00:07:32,015 --> 00:07:33,934
No, I'm talking about
a smaller mistake

120
00:07:34,017 --> 00:07:36,645
where, well, one of them does
something that is...

121
00:07:36,728 --> 00:07:39,356
...a little bit silly and selfish
with someone at work,

122
00:07:39,439 --> 00:07:41,816
so they find themselves
having rows and...

123
00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:46,154
...getting cross, and then one of them
goes to someone called a solicitor

124
00:07:46,237 --> 00:07:49,032
and sometimes,
if one of them is getting angry...

125
00:07:49,115 --> 00:07:52,535
...one of them tells his solicitor
to keep saying no to everything

126
00:07:52,619 --> 00:07:54,746
even though they know
they're in the wrong

127
00:07:54,829 --> 00:07:56,373
which means that even though

128
00:07:56,456 --> 00:07:59,709
a mummy and daddy love
the children very, very much...

129
00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:01,211
BOTH: ...and always will...

130
00:08:01,294 --> 00:08:03,296
...they just keep getting crosser and...

131
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:06,341
...crosser, until the mummy and daddy
start blaming each other

132
00:08:06,424 --> 00:08:09,552
for every tiny thing even though
none of this would be happening

133
00:08:09,636 --> 00:08:12,514
if the other one had just
listened to him in the first place.

134
00:08:12,597 --> 00:08:14,140
- Dad?
- Yes, Mickey?

135
00:08:15,392 --> 00:08:17,102
These are a bit tight.

136
00:08:21,106 --> 00:08:25,276
Dad! Dad! We've brought
your 12 o'clock pills!

137
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,072
Oh, chase me round the loch
on water skis, why don't you?

138
00:08:29,155 --> 00:08:33,368
Only, you left them behind!
And, er... and it's 12 o'clock!

139
00:08:33,451 --> 00:08:35,996
Come on, you beauty! Come on!

140
00:08:36,079 --> 00:08:38,915
With his heart,
he is supposed to stay calm.

141
00:08:38,999 --> 00:08:42,669
I mean, how can anybody get
so worked up about fishing?

142
00:08:42,752 --> 00:08:44,713
Oh, Jesus!

143
00:08:44,796 --> 00:08:46,673
Never think of looking left and right?

144
00:08:46,756 --> 00:08:47,757
Dad!

145
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:52,721
(YAWNS)

146
00:08:52,804 --> 00:08:56,141
- Is this Scotland?
- No, darling, this is Watford.

147
00:08:56,224 --> 00:08:57,684
(CAR HORNS BLARE)

148
00:08:57,767 --> 00:09:00,437
When Daddy wakes up,
are you gonna go, "I told you so,"

149
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,397
cos of the traffic congestion?

150
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,232
No, darling.

151
00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:10,321
- (YELPS)
- She's not gonna say, "I told you so."

152
00:09:10,405 --> 00:09:11,865
Jess! What did you do that for?

153
00:09:11,948 --> 00:09:13,450
It's rude to wake someone up.

154
00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:16,703
- That's right.
- JESS: A million thousand...

155
00:09:16,786 --> 00:09:19,247
(MUMBLES TO HERSELF)

156
00:09:19,330 --> 00:09:21,916
Oh, God. Look at this lot.

157
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,002
(PHONE RINGS)

158
00:09:24,127 --> 00:09:25,545
Leave it.

159
00:09:26,629 --> 00:09:27,714
Abi's phone.

160
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,719
Hang on. It's Leon.

161
00:09:32,802 --> 00:09:34,637
I'll call him back.

162
00:09:34,721 --> 00:09:36,931
She'll call you back.

163
00:09:37,015 --> 00:09:39,934
I feel car sick. Can I sit in the front?

164
00:09:40,018 --> 00:09:42,520
Next time we stop, sweetie.
If we're allowed to.

165
00:09:42,645 --> 00:09:45,315
SATNAV: <i>In 50 metres, turn right.</i>

166
00:09:45,398 --> 00:09:47,817
We can't bloody turn right,
there's no right turn.

167
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:51,529
- She can't hear you. She's a robot.
- She is the most overpriced...

168
00:09:51,654 --> 00:09:52,864
Can we change the voice?

169
00:09:52,947 --> 00:09:55,241
Can we have it in Italian
like we did last time?

170
00:09:55,325 --> 00:09:57,118
No. That's how we ended up in Ipswich.

171
00:09:57,202 --> 00:10:00,622
But we can have it in African language,
say for example,

172
00:10:00,705 --> 00:10:03,124
- either like Chad or...?
- Chad isn't a language.

173
00:10:03,208 --> 00:10:05,502
...Zimbabwe or Bahamas.

174
00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:06,753
- (YAWNS)
- (PHONE RINGS)

175
00:10:06,836 --> 00:10:08,421
MICKEY: Or even Israelian.

176
00:10:08,505 --> 00:10:10,256
Oh, God, it's Gavin.

177
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:12,509
Accept it,
we are not gonna get there tonight.

178
00:10:12,592 --> 00:10:15,136
The traffic always gets better
after Leeds. Hi, Gavin.

179
00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:17,430
- Tell him we won't make it today.
- (SIGHS)

180
00:10:17,514 --> 00:10:20,016
Yeah, it is safe me talking to you.
Abi's driving.

181
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:21,476
Tell him.

182
00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:23,895
Because in England we let women drive.

183
00:10:23,978 --> 00:10:26,397
Tell him.

184
00:10:26,481 --> 00:10:30,110
No, we will make it tonight,
just probably quite late. OK.

185
00:10:30,944 --> 00:10:32,695
OK, bye. Bye-bye.

186
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:38,451
(TRAFFIC NOISE)

187
00:10:55,844 --> 00:11:00,431
Hello, I wondered
if Sir Donald was in. Thank you.

188
00:11:00,515 --> 00:11:02,267
We've got three bulimics.

189
00:11:02,350 --> 00:11:05,603
Do you think we should put them next
to the buffet or a long way from it?

190
00:11:06,229 --> 00:11:09,149
I think near the toilet's
probably more important.

191
00:11:09,232 --> 00:11:11,526
Er, do you know, I think Doreen...

192
00:11:12,652 --> 00:11:15,613
...er, she'd be more comfortable
away from the top table.

193
00:11:15,738 --> 00:11:19,033
Maybe we should let your dad decide,
because she is one of his oldest...

194
00:11:19,117 --> 00:11:22,996
- Sir Donald. Gavin. Yeah.
- ...friends.

195
00:11:23,079 --> 00:11:24,998
Gavin.

196
00:11:25,081 --> 00:11:26,708
Gavin McLeod. Yeah.

197
00:11:26,791 --> 00:11:29,002
I hear you got a hole-in-one
at the 13th.

198
00:11:44,642 --> 00:11:49,397
(CHUCKLES)
Well, he won't be bothering us again.

199
00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:52,525
Just wait there, kids.

200
00:11:52,609 --> 00:11:56,404
JESS: I like being sick,
it's like being a fountain.

201
00:11:56,487 --> 00:11:58,740
- MICKEY: I was sickest most.
- JESS: No, I was.

202
00:11:58,823 --> 00:12:01,534
Thanks for stopping for the night.

203
00:12:02,452 --> 00:12:04,454
I just want to get there
as soon as possible.

204
00:12:04,537 --> 00:12:06,456
- No, I know.
- His T-shirt.

205
00:12:06,539 --> 00:12:08,833
His T-shirt was full of vomit
because of me.

206
00:12:08,917 --> 00:12:10,001
Listen, Doug...

207
00:12:10,084 --> 00:12:11,461
- (PHONE RINGS)
- (SIGHS)

208
00:12:14,005 --> 00:12:16,633
It's a draw. You both
produced an equal amount of sick.

209
00:12:16,716 --> 00:12:18,635
JESS AND MICKEY: But I still won.

210
00:12:20,053 --> 00:12:23,598
Er... why are we putting ourselves
through all this?

211
00:12:23,681 --> 00:12:26,476
Maybe we should just
tell your dad the truth.

212
00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:28,728
No, no, it's too big a risk.

213
00:12:28,811 --> 00:12:31,356
It could really upset him,
the idea of us splitting.

214
00:12:32,690 --> 00:12:34,275
Please, Abi.

215
00:12:34,359 --> 00:12:37,528
He can't have long, let's just...

216
00:12:37,612 --> 00:12:39,364
Let's just let him have his party.

217
00:12:48,957 --> 00:12:53,336
Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no, no.

218
00:13:07,684 --> 00:13:11,521
Lottie, no one's gonna ask you if
Mum and me are living in the same house.

219
00:13:11,604 --> 00:13:13,940
Is there anything else
you've not told me?

220
00:13:14,023 --> 00:13:15,191
No.

221
00:13:16,651 --> 00:13:19,862
- Why are you writing that down?
- So you can't say you didn't say it.

222
00:13:20,571 --> 00:13:24,867
OK. Kids, just to remind...
Mickey, stop playing chip Jenga.

223
00:13:24,951 --> 00:13:28,288
Just to remind everyone, what we're
saying is, when we get to Scotland,

224
00:13:28,371 --> 00:13:33,251
nobody is to tell anyone that Mum and me
are living in different houses, OK?

225
00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:37,046
Can we tell them that you walked in
while the headmistress was doing a poo?

226
00:13:37,130 --> 00:13:38,464
It's not really...

227
00:13:38,548 --> 00:13:41,384
Can we tell them about tadpoles
turning into frogs?

228
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:44,262
Absolutely. I think that'd be
an excellent conversation.

229
00:13:44,387 --> 00:13:46,848
That's a much better
topic of conversation.

230
00:13:46,931 --> 00:13:50,643
So as long as we're all agreed,
none of us mention anything about this.

231
00:13:50,727 --> 00:13:53,438
I wasn't gonna mention it anyway.
It's boring.

232
00:13:53,521 --> 00:13:55,273
- Exactly.
- It's lying.

233
00:13:55,398 --> 00:13:57,775
It's... It's not lying, it's not.

234
00:13:57,900 --> 00:14:00,945
It's not...
It's not mentioning something.

235
00:14:01,029 --> 00:14:03,865
What if someone asks,
"Are your mum and dad getting divorced?"

236
00:14:03,948 --> 00:14:08,202
You're visiting your granddad,
not going on <i>The Jeremy Kyle Show.</i>

237
00:14:10,204 --> 00:14:13,708
GRANDDAD: I hope we get another sunset
tonight. Last night was fantastic.

238
00:14:13,791 --> 00:14:17,337
It's the volcanic dust in the air
refracting the low-level sunlight.

239
00:14:18,421 --> 00:14:19,839
Really?

240
00:14:19,922 --> 00:14:22,675
I thought it was those new pills
the doctor's got me on.

241
00:14:22,759 --> 00:14:25,595
Must give you
a couple of packets of the blue ones.

242
00:14:25,678 --> 00:14:29,557
You can take them to school, sell them
to your friends, make a tidy wee profit.

243
00:14:33,102 --> 00:14:34,979
Play something.

244
00:14:38,858 --> 00:14:42,862
(PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE)

245
00:14:42,945 --> 00:14:45,531
Nah, nah, nah.
Play the proper stuff.

246
00:14:45,615 --> 00:14:48,701
You know you like it.
And you've got to cut loose, Kenny.

247
00:14:48,785 --> 00:14:50,161
Go mental.

248
00:14:51,454 --> 00:14:54,082
Dad says I need to concentrate
on my exam pieces.

249
00:14:54,165 --> 00:14:58,086
(RESUMES CLASSICAL PIECE)

250
00:15:03,883 --> 00:15:07,095
(POLICE SIREN)

251
00:15:41,337 --> 00:15:43,589
SATNAV: <i>In 50 metres, turn right.</i>

252
00:15:43,673 --> 00:15:46,300
- Right.
- (CAR HORNS HONK)

253
00:15:46,384 --> 00:15:48,886
Oh, Jesus. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

254
00:15:49,011 --> 00:15:50,763
Why didn't you wake me?

255
00:15:50,847 --> 00:15:53,474
- You said it was rude.
- Not while I'm driving.

256
00:15:53,558 --> 00:15:54,559
What's happening?

257
00:15:54,642 --> 00:15:57,854
Daddy didn't like me
driving when he was asleep.

258
00:15:57,937 --> 00:16:00,481
- What? You were asleep?
- Is this Scotland?

259
00:16:00,565 --> 00:16:02,900
Do you mean you actually fell asleep?

260
00:16:03,025 --> 00:16:04,444
Not really.

261
00:16:04,527 --> 00:16:07,655
- Yeah, these are the Highlands.
- How high are the Highlands?

262
00:16:07,738 --> 00:16:10,908
- ABI: Were you sleeping?
- DOUG: High. Higher than the Lowlands.

263
00:16:11,033 --> 00:16:12,577
ABI: Did you fall asleep?

264
00:16:48,279 --> 00:16:51,324
(DOGS BARK)

265
00:16:51,407 --> 00:16:52,992
Puppies!

266
00:16:55,328 --> 00:16:57,413
GAVIN:
Forgotten the way to Scotland then?

267
00:16:57,497 --> 00:16:59,332
(DOUG LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

268
00:16:59,415 --> 00:17:03,211
(VOMITING)

269
00:17:03,294 --> 00:17:05,671
(TOILET FLUSHES)

270
00:17:15,932 --> 00:17:18,059
So, Mickey, belated birthday present.

271
00:17:18,184 --> 00:17:20,561
I expect you can guess what it is.

272
00:17:20,686 --> 00:17:22,522
- Is it a bicycle?
- (LAUGHTER)

273
00:17:22,605 --> 00:17:25,942
Is it a... joke cushion that
stabs you in the bottom?

274
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:27,735
- No, it is not.
- Is it a cow pie?

275
00:17:27,860 --> 00:17:29,028
CHILDREN: Granddad!

276
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:31,739
- MICKEY: Happy birthday!
- Hello, darling.

277
00:17:33,407 --> 00:17:35,034
Hey, Dad.

278
00:17:36,369 --> 00:17:37,703
- ABI: Gordie.
- Hello.

279
00:17:37,787 --> 00:17:41,040
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks very much.

280
00:17:41,082 --> 00:17:44,210
- How's things, Dad?
- Fine, fine, good.

281
00:17:44,293 --> 00:17:45,753
And how's things with you?

282
00:17:45,878 --> 00:17:47,380
- Fine.
- Brilliant, brilliant.

283
00:17:47,421 --> 00:17:48,589
I mean, super. More than.

284
00:17:48,714 --> 00:17:51,384
- Brilliant, tremendous.
- It is more fun actually. Fun.

285
00:17:51,467 --> 00:17:53,386
- Yeah.
- Isn't it? Yeah.

286
00:17:53,469 --> 00:17:56,472
- Really, really, really good.
- Right.

287
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:59,725
- I did you a birthday card, Granddad.
- Oh, thanks, Lottie.

288
00:17:59,809 --> 00:18:01,936
She's got something of your mother.

289
00:18:02,061 --> 00:18:04,564
- Can he not play with that?
- Oh, Mickey!

290
00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:08,317
Sorry, I just wanted to show Granddad
the badger in the revolving doors

291
00:18:08,401 --> 00:18:09,777
and the nun with two heads.

292
00:18:09,902 --> 00:18:11,779
Nobody wants to see
a nun with two heads.

293
00:18:11,904 --> 00:18:14,323
- I do.
- GAVIN: That computer's not for kids.

294
00:18:14,407 --> 00:18:17,076
All the terminals are connected.
It's a...

295
00:18:17,118 --> 00:18:19,078
- Synergised system.
- That's right.

296
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,664
You know, the whole house
is virtually wireless.

297
00:18:21,747 --> 00:18:24,125
It's, well, more than an iCloud, it's...

298
00:18:24,250 --> 00:18:26,335
iFog?

299
00:18:27,003 --> 00:18:28,754
It's an intelligent house.

300
00:18:28,838 --> 00:18:31,257
JESS: Is it as intelligent

301
00:18:31,299 --> 00:18:32,925
as a squid?

302
00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:36,137
- As a squid?
- Cos it can fit through a hole.

303
00:18:36,262 --> 00:18:37,597
It's intelligent in a way...

304
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,766
- Can it draw a leopard?
- What?

305
00:18:40,808 --> 00:18:42,101
And can it do cartwheels?

306
00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,979
If this house is more intelligent
than you...

307
00:18:45,104 --> 00:18:47,773
- Mickey.
- This system cost a lot of money.

308
00:18:47,815 --> 00:18:50,985
Well, it doesn't always mean
it's intelligent if...

309
00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:52,987
- MICKEY: It cost loads of money.
- Yeah.

310
00:18:53,112 --> 00:18:54,947
You're not explaining it at all well.

311
00:18:55,031 --> 00:19:00,119
I think we should take you to
the headmaster of your place

312
00:19:00,161 --> 00:19:02,330
- because...
- It's an intelligent house, OK?

313
00:19:04,457 --> 00:19:06,125
You know, it's connected.

314
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:07,460
Let there be light.

315
00:19:08,044 --> 00:19:09,795
(GAVIN CLAPS AGAIN)

316
00:19:09,837 --> 00:19:13,299
Now then, clan of McLeod,
if you'll excuse me...

317
00:19:13,382 --> 00:19:15,051
Hmm.

318
00:19:16,802 --> 00:19:19,221
Where are the keys?
They were there a moment ago.

319
00:19:19,305 --> 00:19:22,224
Who could have taken them?

320
00:19:22,308 --> 00:19:23,392
ABI: I don't know.

321
00:19:25,311 --> 00:19:26,520
Magpies?

322
00:19:30,232 --> 00:19:31,817
Magpies?

323
00:19:32,985 --> 00:19:37,031
This is my domain.
Only special people come here.

324
00:19:39,325 --> 00:19:40,326
After you, my dear.

325
00:19:43,162 --> 00:19:44,997
Ta-dah!

326
00:19:54,924 --> 00:19:59,720
Jess? This is insane!
I only asked you where the keys were.

327
00:19:59,845 --> 00:20:03,015
Jessie, Jessie, just breathe,
take a big, big breath.

328
00:20:03,099 --> 00:20:04,517
A big, deep breath.

329
00:20:04,558 --> 00:20:06,852
- She holds her breath?
- Yeah.

330
00:20:06,936 --> 00:20:10,189
Ah, well.
She can't do herself too much harm, eh?

331
00:20:10,231 --> 00:20:13,192
Well, actually...

332
00:20:13,234 --> 00:20:15,695
Till she blacks out? Unconscious?

333
00:20:15,778 --> 00:20:20,408
That's quite extreme, isn't it?
To hold your breath that long.

334
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:23,536
Well, she can always become
a pearl diver.

335
00:20:28,374 --> 00:20:29,625
Where's Sir Donald gone?

336
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:33,546
Have you noticed anything odd
about Doug and Abi?

337
00:20:33,629 --> 00:20:36,257
Hey, what have you done to that helmet?

338
00:20:36,382 --> 00:20:38,092
I took the horns off it.

339
00:20:38,926 --> 00:20:40,761
London manners. Eh?

340
00:20:40,886 --> 00:20:45,224
Doug can't control them.
And as for her...

341
00:20:45,266 --> 00:20:48,561
That's what happens when
you marry someone too clever.

342
00:20:53,149 --> 00:20:55,234
GORDIE: That's me when I was 20.

343
00:20:55,317 --> 00:20:57,069
Only my skin was a little less orange.

344
00:21:00,614 --> 00:21:02,408
LOTTIE: Is that you with the monkey?

345
00:21:02,450 --> 00:21:05,286
Yeah, that was my 30th birthday
in Northern Rhodesia.

346
00:21:05,411 --> 00:21:08,622
- We were looking for silver.
- Kneel before mighty Odin!

347
00:21:08,748 --> 00:21:11,292
Do you not get birthdays
after you're 75?

348
00:21:11,417 --> 00:21:12,418
GORDIE: What?

349
00:21:12,460 --> 00:21:16,797
Dad said to Mum it's going to be
Granddad's last birthday. I heard him.

350
00:21:18,007 --> 00:21:19,925
Ooh, Blu-Tack. Can I have this?

351
00:21:19,967 --> 00:21:23,429
Sure. Tell you what, why don't you
go check out on the puppies?

352
00:21:23,471 --> 00:21:25,431
- See if they're OK.
- Sure.

353
00:21:25,514 --> 00:21:27,266
I'm building a big...

354
00:21:33,147 --> 00:21:35,357
You've heard of cancer?

355
00:21:35,441 --> 00:21:37,818
Well, I've got that.

356
00:21:37,902 --> 00:21:39,779
But you will get better.

357
00:21:39,862 --> 00:21:43,157
Well, actually, no,
they can't make me any better

358
00:21:43,282 --> 00:21:45,284
and the treatments
they've been giving me

359
00:21:45,326 --> 00:21:47,620
have been putting
a terrible strain on my heart.

360
00:21:51,624 --> 00:21:56,629
But right now,
right this second, I feel brilliant.

361
00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:02,301
- What is this?
- It's my notebook.

362
00:22:03,469 --> 00:22:05,554
You know, Lottie,

363
00:22:05,638 --> 00:22:09,350
a lot of life doesn't look very good
written down.

364
00:22:10,142 --> 00:22:13,312
So, cousin Kenneth
is the one who took the keys?

365
00:22:13,395 --> 00:22:14,980
Yeah, isn't he a naughty boy?

366
00:22:15,022 --> 00:22:17,566
And where did cousin Kenneth
put the keys?

367
00:22:21,737 --> 00:22:22,738
Right.

368
00:22:22,863 --> 00:22:24,657
- GAVIN: Lost something?
- BOTH: No.

369
00:22:24,698 --> 00:22:26,992
- Ready for football?
- (PHONE RINGS)

370
00:22:27,076 --> 00:22:30,663
Leon, hi. No, still very keen.

371
00:22:30,746 --> 00:22:33,249
- Oh, nice header.
- Yeah, all right. Yeah.

372
00:22:33,374 --> 00:22:35,167
- It's mine!
- Hey?

373
00:22:35,209 --> 00:22:36,669
Oh! There you go.

374
00:22:37,127 --> 00:22:39,004
Maybe your parents just lied
to protect you.

375
00:22:39,046 --> 00:22:42,091
- Do you ever lie?
- Well, I've told lots of lies.

376
00:22:42,174 --> 00:22:44,426
Lots and lots of lies.
I always lied to policemen

377
00:22:44,510 --> 00:22:46,345
who said, "What speed were you going?"

378
00:22:46,387 --> 00:22:49,390
I say, "30mph," when I was clearly
doing much faster than that.

379
00:22:51,851 --> 00:22:53,894
And I don't care.

380
00:22:54,019 --> 00:22:56,188
(LAUGHS)

381
00:22:56,272 --> 00:23:01,277
Sometimes, if your intentions
are good, it's OK to lie.

382
00:23:01,402 --> 00:23:04,864
And if you don't like
someone's food at someone's house,

383
00:23:04,905 --> 00:23:07,032
and you say, "This is great,"
even though...

384
00:23:07,074 --> 00:23:10,286
That's what you do. You don't say,
"My God, I think I'm gonna vomit here."

385
00:23:10,411 --> 00:23:15,875
(LAUGHS) What you're saying is,
it's OK to lie to some people sometimes?

386
00:23:15,958 --> 00:23:17,459
Yeah, it's also good fun.

387
00:23:17,543 --> 00:23:18,961
For instance...

388
00:23:20,212 --> 00:23:23,048
Maybe we can find him in here.
George Judd.

389
00:23:24,550 --> 00:23:25,968
There he is, that's him there.

390
00:23:26,051 --> 00:23:29,388
When he told him there was an
elephant leech clinging to his bollocks,

391
00:23:29,430 --> 00:23:31,557
he got such a fright,
he completely fainted.

392
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,392
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

393
00:23:34,602 --> 00:23:36,979
- Is that you?
- No, I'm the wee one.

394
00:23:37,062 --> 00:23:38,898
LOTTIE: So who's that?

395
00:23:39,773 --> 00:23:41,442
Er...

396
00:23:44,403 --> 00:23:46,071
How could I forget?

397
00:23:46,113 --> 00:23:49,241
Dip me in vinegar
and call me a fish supper.

398
00:23:49,283 --> 00:23:52,494
I have here
a chocolate model of the Alps.

399
00:23:52,578 --> 00:23:54,455
Ta-dah!

400
00:23:55,915 --> 00:23:59,960
GAVIN: Here he comes,
weaving his magic.

401
00:24:00,085 --> 00:24:02,087
- And he's clean through...
- (GRUNTS)

402
00:24:02,129 --> 00:24:04,673
- GAVIN: Foul!
- DOUG: Come on! I hardly touched you!

403
00:24:04,757 --> 00:24:06,467
And so it begins.

404
00:24:06,592 --> 00:24:08,469
GAVIN: Kenneth, your ball!

405
00:24:08,594 --> 00:24:10,930
- Oh, for Christ's sake!
- WIFE: Gavin!

406
00:24:11,013 --> 00:24:13,474
GAVIN: What is wrong with you?
For crying out loud.

407
00:24:13,974 --> 00:24:16,602
- Mickey, this is your ball!
- I'm a Berserker!

408
00:24:16,685 --> 00:24:18,646
Will you stop being a Berserker? Ow!

409
00:24:18,771 --> 00:24:20,940
- And England are rattled.
- I'm not England.

410
00:24:21,023 --> 00:24:23,651
You're so English,
you're practically French.

411
00:24:23,776 --> 00:24:27,655
Oh, no! I think I see
a marauding Berserker!

412
00:24:27,780 --> 00:24:29,531
Help! (GROANS)

413
00:24:29,615 --> 00:24:31,867
- That would have killed me.
- I've killed you!

414
00:24:31,992 --> 00:24:34,495
But I moved my heart
to the other side, thank goodness.

415
00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:36,664
- You can't.
- You can when you're Scottish.

416
00:24:36,789 --> 00:24:39,667
- You've got a movable heart.
- You're dead.

417
00:24:39,792 --> 00:24:41,794
DOUG: Jess! Kick it in the goal!

418
00:24:41,835 --> 00:24:43,295
Kenneth, you spaz!

419
00:24:43,379 --> 00:24:45,297
Gavin, please!

420
00:24:45,339 --> 00:24:48,842
GAVIN: Get the bloody ball!
She's gonna score!

421
00:24:52,304 --> 00:24:54,848
DOUG: Jess! Oh, God. Jess, are you OK?

422
00:24:54,974 --> 00:24:57,476
- ABI: Darling!
- KENNETH: I'm so sorry, Jess.

423
00:24:57,559 --> 00:24:58,978
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

424
00:24:59,061 --> 00:25:01,480
- I'm really, really sorry.
- It wasn't your fault.

425
00:25:01,522 --> 00:25:03,899
No, no, it was his fault.

426
00:25:04,024 --> 00:25:05,901
- LOTTIE: Is she OK?
- No harm done.

427
00:25:06,026 --> 00:25:07,861
Come on, let's get you some ice cream.

428
00:25:09,655 --> 00:25:10,823
I'll make you a hot chocolate...

429
00:25:12,574 --> 00:25:14,535
I'm just gonna take this penalty.

430
00:25:15,828 --> 00:25:18,372
- Did you really play for Scotland?
- Aye, I did.

431
00:25:18,497 --> 00:25:19,999
Just the once, against Cyprus.

432
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,334
- Did you score?
- I certainly did.

433
00:25:22,418 --> 00:25:26,839
A cracking header into the top corner...
of my own net.

434
00:25:26,922 --> 00:25:29,925
That's probably why
you only played once.

435
00:25:30,050 --> 00:25:33,679
DOUG: Somebody going to go in goal?
Gavin?

436
00:25:33,721 --> 00:25:36,015
So how are you feeling?

437
00:25:36,098 --> 00:25:39,852
Really, really pissed off
with this dying thing.

438
00:25:39,935 --> 00:25:43,939
Terribly, utterly
100 percent pissed off.

439
00:25:44,064 --> 00:25:45,441
Like millions before me.

440
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:50,696
You could look on the bright side.
You dodged Alzheimer's.

441
00:25:50,779 --> 00:25:53,365
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- DOUG: Gavin!

442
00:25:53,866 --> 00:25:57,870
This morning I was thinking of Doug
when he was Jess's age.

443
00:25:57,953 --> 00:26:01,373
I used to tickle him
and he'd go, "No, no, no!"

444
00:26:01,457 --> 00:26:04,918
Then when I was finished,
he'd go, "More, more, more, more!"

445
00:26:05,044 --> 00:26:08,213
Which sums up
exactly how I feel about living.

446
00:26:10,758 --> 00:26:12,217
One-all.

447
00:26:12,718 --> 00:26:16,722
GAVIN: Right, time, everybody!
Margaret!

448
00:26:19,892 --> 00:26:21,060
The keys are back

449
00:26:21,143 --> 00:26:23,103
Hm-hmm.

450
00:26:23,812 --> 00:26:27,441
Uncle Gavin, are you rich?
This place is enormous.

451
00:26:27,566 --> 00:26:30,235
Er, no, no, no. Comfortable.

452
00:26:30,277 --> 00:26:34,615
This isn't actually...
This is owned by my company, not by me,

453
00:26:34,740 --> 00:26:36,492
so I use, like, a tax wrapper...

454
00:26:36,617 --> 00:26:39,328
- Are you like a tax man?
- No. No, no...

455
00:26:39,411 --> 00:26:40,954
What is your actual job then?

456
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,415
Well, er, I have an interest
in a fund...

457
00:26:43,499 --> 00:26:47,086
- So you're a banker?
- No. No, I work with banks...

458
00:26:47,127 --> 00:26:50,464
- Dad said bankers are scum.
- Hmm!

459
00:26:50,589 --> 00:26:54,176
Did I say...? Well...
I might have done, yeah.

460
00:26:54,259 --> 00:26:56,929
Would you ever have thought
that you would own this house

461
00:26:57,012 --> 00:26:58,972
if you were not a banker?

462
00:26:59,098 --> 00:27:01,850
- I'm not a banker.
- Yeah, Gav. What is your actual job?

463
00:27:01,934 --> 00:27:04,478
- What is scum?
- I use money to make money.

464
00:27:04,603 --> 00:27:07,272
- That doesn't make sense.
- Margaret!

465
00:27:07,314 --> 00:27:09,983
When will we ever get
this answer out of you?

466
00:27:10,109 --> 00:27:12,027
I'm giving you the answer, you're not...

467
00:27:12,152 --> 00:27:15,030
- Is it gonna be the 12th of July?
- Enough.

468
00:27:15,155 --> 00:27:18,659
- I'm a short seller.
- You sell shorts?

469
00:27:19,201 --> 00:27:20,327
JESS: A short sailor?

470
00:27:21,161 --> 00:27:24,665
Not a short sailor, a short seller.

471
00:27:24,790 --> 00:27:28,377
Your friends, do they sell shoes,
socks, hairpieces?

472
00:27:28,460 --> 00:27:30,629
What sort of millionaire are you?

473
00:27:30,712 --> 00:27:33,549
OK, I've got lots of money, OK?
Lots of money!

474
00:27:33,674 --> 00:27:36,969
I've got shares, I've got property,
I've got gold.

475
00:27:37,052 --> 00:27:39,221
I've got lots of money! Can we just...?

476
00:27:39,304 --> 00:27:41,056
Margaret!

477
00:27:41,181 --> 00:27:43,809
(KENNETH PLAYS VIOLIN)

478
00:27:54,403 --> 00:27:57,739
If this has got another two minutes,
we're gonna get obese.

479
00:27:57,823 --> 00:28:01,326
I can even feel myself
getting obese now.

480
00:28:02,411 --> 00:28:04,872
Sweetie, that's...

481
00:28:04,997 --> 00:28:07,249
MICKEY: This is killing me.

482
00:28:07,332 --> 00:28:09,585
Right now,
do you realise this is killing me?

483
00:28:11,336 --> 00:28:13,213
You should have told me about Granddad.

484
00:28:13,338 --> 00:28:15,048
- I'm sorry.
- Shh, shh, shh!

485
00:28:16,842 --> 00:28:19,344
You and Mum need to stop lying.

486
00:28:20,053 --> 00:28:21,513
(FINISHES PIECE)

487
00:28:21,555 --> 00:28:23,765
(APPLAUSE)

488
00:28:27,060 --> 00:28:29,730
If you didn't lie so much,
maybe you'd still be together.

489
00:28:29,855 --> 00:28:31,440
Bravo!

490
00:28:31,523 --> 00:28:34,860
And maybe Mum wouldn't be on the phone
to her solicitor all night

491
00:28:34,902 --> 00:28:37,529
banging on about breaches
and leave to remove.

492
00:28:37,571 --> 00:28:38,614
More!

493
00:28:42,910 --> 00:28:44,703
Wasn't that great?

494
00:28:52,127 --> 00:28:53,795
(GROANS)

495
00:29:06,725 --> 00:29:08,268
(FAINT WHIMPERING)

496
00:29:15,609 --> 00:29:18,070
(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)

497
00:29:24,451 --> 00:29:27,079
(WOMAN WEEPS)

498
00:29:32,793 --> 00:29:34,336
Sorry, I shouldn't have...

499
00:29:34,419 --> 00:29:37,422
Kenneth, darling, it's fine.

500
00:29:37,506 --> 00:29:41,635
This, it's just something women do
when they get a bit older.

501
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:43,637
It's perfectly normal.

502
00:29:43,762 --> 00:29:46,807
Just letting off a bit of steam.

503
00:29:48,016 --> 00:29:51,478
Is this about the... incident?

504
00:29:52,938 --> 00:29:56,608
Incident? What incident?

505
00:29:56,692 --> 00:29:59,486
Mum, it's on YouTube.

506
00:30:12,082 --> 00:30:14,960
- Leave to remove?
- I need the toilet.

507
00:30:19,089 --> 00:30:21,383
- Doug!
- I texted my solicitor.

508
00:30:21,466 --> 00:30:22,592
I'm dying for a pee.

509
00:30:22,676 --> 00:30:25,262
You're planning to take
my children away, aren't you?

510
00:30:25,345 --> 00:30:29,433
- Somewhere that's...
- Newcastle, OK? Newcastle, right?

511
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,270
- Now is not the time to talk about it.
- When is a good time?

512
00:30:33,353 --> 00:30:34,855
When I'm not on the toilet.

513
00:30:38,859 --> 00:30:40,152
- Newcastle?
- Yeah.

514
00:30:40,235 --> 00:30:43,196
You're seriously gonna take my children
to live in Newcastle?

515
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,116
- ABI: I'm thinking about it.
- DOUG: Have you told the kids?

516
00:30:46,199 --> 00:30:49,536
- You found this?
- Yeah.

517
00:30:49,619 --> 00:30:53,498
MICKEY: I think it's a king's brooch
because it's got the Tree of Life on it.

518
00:30:53,582 --> 00:30:55,959
Is it true you're a Viking?
Cos Dad said you were.

519
00:30:56,043 --> 00:30:59,838
Oh, yeah. University Hospital
were doing DNA tests

520
00:30:59,963 --> 00:31:02,174
and wanted volunteers.

521
00:31:02,257 --> 00:31:04,760
And seeing as they were
forever taking my blood anyway,

522
00:31:04,843 --> 00:31:07,304
seems I'm 84 percent Viking.

523
00:31:09,890 --> 00:31:11,475
That's most of me.

524
00:31:19,566 --> 00:31:23,028
Look, come on. I thought we agreed
that this weekend was about your dad

525
00:31:23,111 --> 00:31:26,281
and we'd put all personal issues
on hold. We agreed, didn't we?

526
00:31:26,365 --> 00:31:28,450
- Yeah.
- Then unlock the bloody door.

527
00:31:28,533 --> 00:31:30,952
- How would I see the kids?
- You'd come to Newcastle.

528
00:31:31,036 --> 00:31:32,537
- What?
- A few hours on the train.

529
00:31:32,621 --> 00:31:34,873
- Four hours at least.
- Three hours 12 minutes.

530
00:31:34,998 --> 00:31:37,501
- Nearly seven hours there and back.
- Will you let me out?

531
00:31:37,584 --> 00:31:39,711
- Every weekend, seven hours?
- I'd like to leave, please.

532
00:31:39,795 --> 00:31:42,381
Weekends would be much worse,
they do engineering work.

533
00:31:42,506 --> 00:31:44,591
I'd spend my life
on a bus replacement service.

534
00:31:44,674 --> 00:31:46,802
- Let me out.
- You're doing this out of revenge.

535
00:31:46,885 --> 00:31:49,930
Either behave in a mature
and adult way

536
00:31:50,013 --> 00:31:52,557
or I scream "rape" out of this window.

537
00:31:52,641 --> 00:31:55,727
Oh, not that again.

538
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,106
GORDIE: Why did you pull
the horns off your helmet?

539
00:31:59,189 --> 00:32:01,316
Cos it's historically incorrect.

540
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,360
Cos Viking helmets didn't have horns.

541
00:32:03,443 --> 00:32:06,905
Ah, but they didn't have two holes
in them there and there, did they?

542
00:32:07,030 --> 00:32:09,199
They did if they fell off a cliff
onto a stag.

543
00:32:09,282 --> 00:32:10,617
I never thought of that.

544
00:32:10,700 --> 00:32:12,202
What if somebody threw a spear?

545
00:32:12,285 --> 00:32:15,288
It could have gone through the side
and out the other side.

546
00:32:15,372 --> 00:32:18,542
But that would hit the helmet though,
wouldn't it?

547
00:32:19,876 --> 00:32:21,837
You know,
my favourite Norse god is Odin.

548
00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:23,463
Is it? Why's that?

549
00:32:23,547 --> 00:32:28,760
Because he's got these, erm, ravens
called Memory and something else.

550
00:32:28,844 --> 00:32:29,886
What did they do?

551
00:32:31,638 --> 00:32:34,224
- They're ravens.
- And that's a job, is it?

552
00:32:34,307 --> 00:32:35,934
- They're really dangerous.
- Ooh.

553
00:32:36,059 --> 00:32:38,395
- I pray to him sometimes.
- You pray to Odin?

554
00:32:38,478 --> 00:32:42,232
Yeah. He roams the world
testing people's hospitality.

555
00:32:43,108 --> 00:32:46,445
Well, in the mortal world,
we have a word for that. "Scrounging."

556
00:32:46,570 --> 00:32:47,571
(CHUCKLES)

557
00:32:54,244 --> 00:32:56,246
Happy 75th birthday.

558
00:32:57,622 --> 00:33:00,584
(ABI AND DOUG ARGUE UPSTAIRS)

559
00:33:03,211 --> 00:33:04,880
They're fine.

560
00:33:04,963 --> 00:33:07,799
And they don't live
in different houses by the way.

561
00:33:22,314 --> 00:33:25,275
GAVIN: I'll be running,
er, well, all the important stuff.

562
00:33:25,358 --> 00:33:28,445
Margaret, I've got you
on the flowers, the food,

563
00:33:28,528 --> 00:33:31,490
the signage and the cloakroom.
Er, and the taxis.

564
00:33:32,866 --> 00:33:37,496
And the photographer. Doug, I need you
to set up the marquee for the band.

565
00:33:37,621 --> 00:33:39,414
Hello. And set up the tables.

566
00:33:39,498 --> 00:33:42,709
Kenneth is on parking and conage.

567
00:33:42,792 --> 00:33:44,836
I'm going to West Beach
with Dad and the kids.

568
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:48,423
I think not.
214 guests we've got coming.

569
00:33:48,507 --> 00:33:50,675
- 214?
- MARGARET: 215.

570
00:33:50,759 --> 00:33:53,178
- Patsy Cameron found a man on the internet.
- Too late.

571
00:33:53,261 --> 00:33:55,639
Although Jimmy Cazerotto's
stuck in New Zealand.

572
00:33:55,722 --> 00:33:57,933
- Dad can't manage the kids.
- I'm not senile.

573
00:33:58,016 --> 00:34:01,144
No, but what if...
Mickey, put the puppy back.

574
00:34:01,228 --> 00:34:05,649
- Dad, it is your birthday...
- And this is how I'd like to spend it.

575
00:34:05,732 --> 00:34:08,193
And we don't want to upset him. Do we?

576
00:34:08,276 --> 00:34:11,947
- We'll be back by seven.
- Well, no, you need to be back bef...

577
00:34:12,030 --> 00:34:14,366
So that's agreed then.
I'll take my mobile.

578
00:34:14,449 --> 00:34:15,867
- Come on, kids.
- Yes!

579
00:34:15,951 --> 00:34:17,244
But, Dad...!

580
00:34:19,162 --> 00:34:22,040
Gordie, are you sure
you're up... for this?

581
00:34:22,165 --> 00:34:24,876
It's... Margaret said
your medications make you feel...

582
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,087
I'm giving the medications
a rest today.

583
00:34:27,170 --> 00:34:28,463
Oh, well, is that a good...

584
00:34:28,547 --> 00:34:31,174
No need to worry,
I've carried out a risk assessment.

585
00:34:32,717 --> 00:34:35,095
No, I haven't. It's a joke.

586
00:34:36,972 --> 00:34:38,807
Remember jokes?

587
00:34:59,411 --> 00:35:01,204
Hey!

588
00:35:03,748 --> 00:35:07,794
Are you not stopping to say hello,
you miserable old bastard?

589
00:35:07,877 --> 00:35:10,380
Jesus, Doreen,
can you not mind your language?

590
00:35:10,463 --> 00:35:11,673
They're only weans.

591
00:35:11,756 --> 00:35:13,091
She's got animals!

592
00:35:13,216 --> 00:35:15,051
DOREEN: What's the matter with you?

593
00:35:16,261 --> 00:35:18,555
I'm just saying go easy on the swearing.

594
00:35:18,638 --> 00:35:21,099
They're from London,
everybody swears in London.

595
00:35:21,224 --> 00:35:23,852
Mum and Dad swear all the time.

596
00:35:23,935 --> 00:35:26,563
- Well, maybe so, but...
- Mum used the c-word.

597
00:35:26,646 --> 00:35:29,357
- And the other ones.
- OK, but...

598
00:35:29,441 --> 00:35:35,655
"Tell that to your poxy effing c-word
of a solicitor, you effing b-word."

599
00:35:37,449 --> 00:35:39,659
She thought I was in the garden

600
00:35:39,743 --> 00:35:43,079
but I was in the toilet
peeing very quietly

601
00:35:43,163 --> 00:35:46,833
by aiming for the side of the toilet
but not the water.

602
00:35:49,502 --> 00:35:50,754
Though I did miss a bit.

603
00:35:51,504 --> 00:35:53,465
- Right.
- JESS: She's got goats!

604
00:35:53,548 --> 00:35:55,175
I'm coming!

605
00:35:57,260 --> 00:35:58,345
JESS: And pigs!

606
00:36:03,850 --> 00:36:05,435
I wonder what's in here.

607
00:36:07,354 --> 00:36:09,981
- Shall we have a look?
- Whoa, look at the size of him!

608
00:36:10,065 --> 00:36:13,693
- JESS: They're like massive chickens.
- They look like meerkats.

609
00:36:13,777 --> 00:36:17,697
- Only with no arms.
- (GIGGLES)

610
00:36:17,781 --> 00:36:20,158
MICKEY: I'm gonna race one.

611
00:36:20,283 --> 00:36:23,036
GORDIE: You've got an escapee
charging about like a loony

612
00:36:23,119 --> 00:36:25,288
- down by the burn.
- That'll be Wiggins.

613
00:36:26,998 --> 00:36:30,210
- How are you feeling today?
- Oh, I'm fine.

614
00:36:30,293 --> 00:36:31,711
It's one of my good days.

615
00:36:32,587 --> 00:36:35,423
You are such a crap actor.

616
00:36:35,507 --> 00:36:42,514
Come on! Call yourselves ostriches?
I'm a lion! Come on! Race me! (GROWLS)

617
00:36:42,597 --> 00:36:46,726
So this came out of
a ostrich's bottom?

618
00:36:46,810 --> 00:36:48,520
That's why they're so bad tempered.

619
00:36:48,603 --> 00:36:51,815
Could you get an ostrich egg
and push it back up its bottom?

620
00:36:52,524 --> 00:36:53,900
No, I don't think so.

621
00:36:53,983 --> 00:36:56,736
Because you'd have to
hold the ostrich still

622
00:36:56,820 --> 00:36:58,988
and nobody's gonna volunteer for that.

623
00:36:59,072 --> 00:37:01,825
I reckon you could get it
halfway up the crack.

624
00:37:01,908 --> 00:37:02,951
You could push it up.

625
00:37:03,034 --> 00:37:05,912
If you caught it halfway,
you think you could push it back up?

626
00:37:05,995 --> 00:37:08,039
- Yeah.
- Next time one's going to lay,

627
00:37:08,123 --> 00:37:10,959
- I'll get in touch with you.
- One little push like...

628
00:37:11,042 --> 00:37:14,379
- Like a volleyball.
- Right.

629
00:37:15,130 --> 00:37:19,342
Look, I know your mum and dad
are going through a difficult time.

630
00:37:19,426 --> 00:37:21,845
So you know what's happening to them?

631
00:37:21,928 --> 00:37:25,098
- I put two and two together.
- So you know they're getting divorced?

632
00:37:27,350 --> 00:37:30,603
Well, no, I didn't know that.

633
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:38,486
Look, Lottie, people sometimes change
but they still love you, both of them.

634
00:37:38,570 --> 00:37:41,281
You'll see.
They'll muddle through this eventually.

635
00:37:41,364 --> 00:37:44,284
- Dad had an affair.
- Right, er...

636
00:37:44,367 --> 00:37:47,287
With a Paralympic athlete lady
with one foot.

637
00:37:47,370 --> 00:37:50,290
I probably don't need to know
all the details.

638
00:37:51,624 --> 00:37:53,334
Do you look after
the ostriches on your own?

639
00:37:53,418 --> 00:37:55,837
- No, Morag helps me.
- Who's Morag?

640
00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:58,256
- She's my girlfriend.
- Oh, for goodness' sake!

641
00:37:58,381 --> 00:38:00,216
- What?
- You could have said "friend".

642
00:38:00,300 --> 00:38:03,470
Girlfriend? Boys have girlfriends.

643
00:38:03,553 --> 00:38:05,430
Now we have to explain the whole thing.

644
00:38:05,513 --> 00:38:08,558
Fine, I'll explain.

645
00:38:09,601 --> 00:38:12,979
- Do you know what a lesbian is?
- Is it someone from Lesbia?

646
00:38:13,062 --> 00:38:17,984
(LAUGHS) That's right, Mickey.
I am from the magical kingdom of Lesbia.

647
00:38:18,067 --> 00:38:20,987
You're just gonna confuse them
even more!

648
00:38:21,070 --> 00:38:26,075
GAVIN: Margaret! There's a wrong
apostrophe on the toilet signage!

649
00:38:27,660 --> 00:38:31,498
- What the hell? Newcastle.
- It's a vibrant, growing city

650
00:38:31,581 --> 00:38:36,211
- with a great... public transport hub.
- But it's hundreds of miles...

651
00:38:36,294 --> 00:38:38,421
The Tyne is the best salmon river
in Britain

652
00:38:38,505 --> 00:38:40,590
and otters have been seen in Gateshead.

653
00:38:40,632 --> 00:38:42,675
- Abi, listen.
- There's lots of castles.

654
00:38:42,759 --> 00:38:45,595
- Eh?
- Around Newcastle. Kids love castles.

655
00:38:45,678 --> 00:38:48,640
Bamburgh Castle, Dunstanburgh,
Alnwick, Holy Island.

656
00:38:48,765 --> 00:38:50,975
Is this job
with the Newcastle tourist board?

657
00:38:51,059 --> 00:38:54,813
- I'm just saying, it's...
- Abi, please.

658
00:38:54,938 --> 00:38:56,648
Please. Don't take them away.

659
00:39:00,151 --> 00:39:02,570
Margaret needs this heather.

660
00:39:03,822 --> 00:39:05,657
Margaret?

661
00:39:05,740 --> 00:39:07,283
Margaret!

662
00:39:20,380 --> 00:39:22,549
LOTTIE: Granddad,
your mobile's turned off.

663
00:39:22,632 --> 00:39:24,425
GORDIE: Aye, that's the way I like it.

664
00:39:24,509 --> 00:39:28,638
And the batteries are dead,
just to make sure.

665
00:39:29,514 --> 00:39:32,392
Oh, just look at that. Look at it.

666
00:39:37,772 --> 00:39:40,275
- (FARTS)
- Bless you.

667
00:39:40,358 --> 00:39:42,735
Lovely manners. (CHUCKLES)

668
00:39:42,819 --> 00:39:44,571
MICKEY: Can we drive for a bit?

669
00:39:44,654 --> 00:39:47,323
- Don't be stupid. Kids can't...
- Yes, you can drive.

670
00:39:47,407 --> 00:39:48,658
Mickey, toot the horn.

671
00:39:48,741 --> 00:39:51,160
- (TOOTS HORN)
- Jess, you're the look-out.

672
00:39:51,244 --> 00:39:53,621
Stick your head out
and shout, "Look out!"

673
00:39:53,705 --> 00:39:56,624
- Look out!
- Lottie, you steer.

674
00:39:56,708 --> 00:39:59,836
- (ENGINE STARTS)
- What? But I... I can't...

675
00:39:59,919 --> 00:40:04,841
When I press this pedal on the floor
that makes it go, then it's down to you.

676
00:40:04,924 --> 00:40:07,594
- What? But I...
- (ENGINE REVS)

677
00:40:07,677 --> 00:40:09,721
- Left a bit. Left a bit.
- (JESS SQUEALS)

678
00:40:09,804 --> 00:40:12,223
But it's not allowed.
I'm ten, I'm not insured.

679
00:40:12,307 --> 00:40:14,517
I don't care.

680
00:40:14,601 --> 00:40:17,061
That's good. Left, left. That's lovely.

681
00:40:18,813 --> 00:40:22,108
- I don't think that...
- You need to live more and think less.

682
00:40:22,191 --> 00:40:26,070
- More right, more right! Oh!
- JESS: Lottie!

683
00:40:26,154 --> 00:40:28,698
Well done!
I've been trying to hit that for years.

684
00:40:28,781 --> 00:40:32,452
- What did it say?
- It said "Do not let children drive".

685
00:40:32,535 --> 00:40:35,413
<i>GORDIE:
# Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim?</i>

686
00:40:35,538 --> 00:40:37,540
<i># Yes, my darling daughter</i>

687
00:40:37,624 --> 00:40:39,709
<i># Watch the boys don't see your bum</i>

688
00:40:39,792 --> 00:40:41,794
<i># Keep it well under the water</i>

689
00:40:41,878 --> 00:40:44,172
CHILDREN (JOINING IN):
<i># Mother, can I go out to swim?</i>

690
00:40:44,255 --> 00:40:46,174
<i># Yes, my darling daughter</i>

691
00:40:46,257 --> 00:40:48,468
<i># Watch the boys don't see your bum</i>

692
00:40:48,551 --> 00:40:50,678
<i># Keep it well under the water</i>

693
00:40:50,762 --> 00:40:52,805
GORDIE:
<i># Watch the boys don't see your bum</i>

694
00:40:52,889 --> 00:40:54,682
<i># Keep it well under the water #</i>

695
00:40:54,766 --> 00:40:55,934
MICKEY: Yay!

696
00:40:56,559 --> 00:40:57,560
JESS: Whoo-hoo!

697
00:40:57,644 --> 00:41:00,271
- MICKEY: We might see a killer whale.
- (KIDS CHEER)

698
00:41:23,711 --> 00:41:25,713
LOTTIE: Don't go on those rocks!

699
00:41:28,716 --> 00:41:31,636
JESS: I found a pebble!

700
00:41:46,109 --> 00:41:48,111
Is it nice being a lesbian?

701
00:41:49,612 --> 00:41:51,239
What the hell are you asking me for?

702
00:41:51,322 --> 00:41:54,701
I suppose it must be, otherwise
they wouldn't be one, would they?

703
00:41:54,784 --> 00:41:57,078
(CHUCKLES)

704
00:41:57,161 --> 00:41:59,664
How do people know what they are?

705
00:41:59,747 --> 00:42:01,833
Well, they just kind of find out.

706
00:42:01,916 --> 00:42:06,045
We all find out eventually what we are.
Then the world has to lump it.

707
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:10,174
Can lesbians make babies?

708
00:42:10,258 --> 00:42:12,760
Er... Well, er...

709
00:42:12,844 --> 00:42:15,596
Why don't you nip over there
and get some wood for the fire

710
00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:19,600
- at the old Viking burial mound?
- That's a Viking burial mound?

711
00:42:19,684 --> 00:42:21,060
Yeah. So they say.

712
00:42:22,395 --> 00:42:24,355
That's where I found the brooch.

713
00:42:33,072 --> 00:42:34,907
Are you OK, Granddad?

714
00:42:34,991 --> 00:42:37,452
Aye, indigestion, princess.

715
00:42:38,411 --> 00:42:40,788
I've had it all my life.
Don't chew enough.

716
00:42:40,872 --> 00:42:44,167
Granddad! I've lost my pebble.

717
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:47,879
Right.

718
00:42:51,507 --> 00:42:55,595
MICKEY:
I'll race you! Look out for jellyfish.

719
00:43:00,183 --> 00:43:03,269
- Is this official?
- GORDIE: Is what official?

720
00:43:03,352 --> 00:43:05,772
What it says on this rock.

721
00:43:05,855 --> 00:43:09,358
"Keep off. F and G's beach."

722
00:43:09,442 --> 00:43:11,778
Oh, God.

723
00:43:11,861 --> 00:43:13,863
I carved that.

724
00:43:13,946 --> 00:43:18,326
Well, I helped. Actually I didn't do
all that much, I was only small.

725
00:43:18,409 --> 00:43:21,954
- Frazer did most of it.
- Who's Frazer?

726
00:43:22,038 --> 00:43:24,123
He was my big brother.
He died in the war.

727
00:43:24,207 --> 00:43:25,374
In Afghanistan?

728
00:43:25,458 --> 00:43:28,294
No, he was fighting
a very stupid man called Hitler

729
00:43:28,377 --> 00:43:30,505
who wanted to take everybody's land.

730
00:43:30,588 --> 00:43:35,176
- Like Monopoly?
- Aye, just like Monopoly.

731
00:43:35,259 --> 00:43:36,844
Except with more screaming.

732
00:43:36,928 --> 00:43:39,722
Anyway, Frazer used to bring me here,

733
00:43:39,806 --> 00:43:41,849
- taught me how to swim.
- How did he die?

734
00:43:41,933 --> 00:43:43,601
Someone made a terrible mistake.

735
00:43:43,726 --> 00:43:46,229
A pilot thought
Frazer's platoon were Germans.

736
00:43:46,312 --> 00:43:47,730
Where's he buried?

737
00:43:47,814 --> 00:43:50,399
He isn't buried anywhere.

738
00:43:50,483 --> 00:43:52,485
I know about dying.

739
00:43:52,568 --> 00:43:53,986
Right.

740
00:43:54,070 --> 00:43:59,867
Cos of Bambi's mum and Babar's dad
and Simba's dad and Nigel.

741
00:44:01,119 --> 00:44:04,747
- Our next-door neighbour.
- I don't think this is my pebble.

742
00:44:04,831 --> 00:44:07,291
Oh, it definitely is.
I'd recognise it anywhere.

743
00:44:07,375 --> 00:44:10,294
Let's go, little beavers!
More driftwood.

744
00:44:15,508 --> 00:44:19,720
- Can we bury you, Granddad?
- Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere.

745
00:44:19,804 --> 00:44:22,223
I definitely don't want to be buried,
thank you.

746
00:44:22,306 --> 00:44:24,475
- Not even when you die?
- Jess!

747
00:44:24,559 --> 00:44:26,894
Well, that's what happens
when someone dies.

748
00:44:26,978 --> 00:44:29,814
You bury them
and then everyone eats cake.

749
00:44:29,897 --> 00:44:33,234
- That's right, isn't it, Granddad?
- GORDIE: Absolutely, sweetheart.

750
00:44:33,317 --> 00:44:35,862
I've never seen
the point of funerals myself.

751
00:44:35,945 --> 00:44:38,281
Nice people
all standing around in the kirk

752
00:44:38,364 --> 00:44:41,868
while the priest tells a pack of lies
about what a great man you were.

753
00:44:41,951 --> 00:44:44,704
Nah, put me out with the recycling.

754
00:44:44,787 --> 00:44:47,915
Purple bin, isn't it,
for plastics and dead granddads?

755
00:44:48,499 --> 00:44:52,628
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, come on, it's only a joke.

756
00:44:52,712 --> 00:44:55,798
No, if I had to choose
a kind of funeral,

757
00:44:55,882 --> 00:44:58,843
just give me a good old Viking funeral,
like my ancestors.

758
00:44:59,635 --> 00:45:03,514
Just stick me on a burning boat
and float me out to sea.

759
00:45:03,598 --> 00:45:08,102
No stupid family fights,
no stupid rows about who gets what

760
00:45:08,186 --> 00:45:13,316
or who does what.
Just a warrior's farewell.

761
00:45:13,399 --> 00:45:16,444
Can we go out
and catch some fish to cook it?

762
00:45:16,527 --> 00:45:19,363
Yeah, get some crabs while you're there.

763
00:45:20,114 --> 00:45:22,533
There are sandwiches in the pick-up,
aren't there?

764
00:45:22,617 --> 00:45:25,745
Yeah, but you can't hunt sandwiches,
can you?

765
00:45:25,828 --> 00:45:28,080
The water won't be cold,
will it, Granddad?

766
00:45:28,164 --> 00:45:30,166
Course not, it's only
the North Atlantic.

767
00:45:30,249 --> 00:45:31,918
Why on Earth would it be cold?

768
00:45:32,001 --> 00:45:33,836
(JESS AND MICKEY CHEER)

769
00:45:35,213 --> 00:45:38,090
- (THEY SCREAM)
- MICKEY: It's freezing!

770
00:45:38,174 --> 00:45:41,010
(LAUGHS)

771
00:45:41,093 --> 00:45:42,970
You lied to us!

772
00:45:49,852 --> 00:45:52,188
Look, you've got to pat it down
like this.

773
00:45:52,271 --> 00:45:56,651
- I'm decorating it.
- That's after.

774
00:45:56,734 --> 00:45:58,319
Are you OK back there?

775
00:45:58,402 --> 00:46:02,198
Aye, I'm grand,
apart from the sand up my arse.

776
00:46:03,199 --> 00:46:06,369
Oh, look. Look up there,
it's the osprey.

777
00:46:06,452 --> 00:46:09,121
Oh, look at that.

778
00:46:09,205 --> 00:46:10,748
It's just a bird.

779
00:46:10,873 --> 00:46:12,833
GORDIE: 17 years
she's been coming back.

780
00:46:12,917 --> 00:46:14,627
Flown all the way from Africa.

781
00:46:14,710 --> 00:46:20,258
You can't really lay a egg in Africa
cos you'll get a fried egg.

782
00:46:20,383 --> 00:46:23,636
- How far is Africa?
- About eight million miles away.

783
00:46:23,719 --> 00:46:26,430
That's rubbish, isn't it, Granddad?

784
00:46:30,226 --> 00:46:31,936
Hey, Granddad.

785
00:46:32,019 --> 00:46:34,480
Perhaps he's asleep.

786
00:46:38,234 --> 00:46:39,652
Granddad?

787
00:46:46,909 --> 00:46:48,494
- Granddad?
- (YELLS)

788
00:46:48,577 --> 00:46:51,455
(SCREAMS)
Granddad! That wasn't funny!

789
00:46:53,082 --> 00:46:55,293
- Well, it was quite funny.
- No, it wasn't.

790
00:46:55,418 --> 00:46:57,712
- It was funnier than monkeys!
- (GORDIE LAUGHS)

791
00:46:58,963 --> 00:47:01,882
(CHILDREN SHOUT)

792
00:47:02,967 --> 00:47:04,468
LOTTIE: Mum and Dad lie so much.

793
00:47:04,552 --> 00:47:07,013
I just don't trust them any more.

794
00:47:07,722 --> 00:47:10,808
They make me so angry. (SIGHS)

795
00:47:10,850 --> 00:47:13,686
Well, I used to feel like that
about my lot, too.

796
00:47:13,811 --> 00:47:15,146
Until I suddenly realised

797
00:47:15,187 --> 00:47:17,815
there was no point in being angry
with people I loved

798
00:47:17,857 --> 00:47:19,150
for being what they are.

799
00:47:19,233 --> 00:47:23,321
I mean, so what if your dad
is a complete and utter bloody shambles?

800
00:47:24,071 --> 00:47:27,658
Or your Uncle Gavin's
a bit of a tight-arse?

801
00:47:27,742 --> 00:47:31,037
All that social climbing!
He can't help himself

802
00:47:31,162 --> 00:47:36,334
any more than his wife can help
being scared of her own shadow

803
00:47:36,375 --> 00:47:38,544
or your mum can help
being a bit mouthy.

804
00:47:39,587 --> 00:47:42,548
The truth is,
every human being on this planet

805
00:47:42,673 --> 00:47:45,343
is ridiculous in their own way.

806
00:47:46,427 --> 00:47:48,679
So we shouldn't judge
and we shouldn't fight,

807
00:47:48,721 --> 00:47:50,848
because in the end...

808
00:47:52,516 --> 00:47:55,353
(SIGHS) In the end,

809
00:47:55,436 --> 00:47:59,523
none of it matters, none of this stuff.

810
00:48:01,359 --> 00:48:04,070
JESS: Lottie, this shell's got legs!

811
00:48:04,195 --> 00:48:06,864
It's OK, it'll be a hermit crab.

812
00:48:39,772 --> 00:48:43,901
Frazer? What are you doing here?

813
00:48:46,278 --> 00:48:50,157
Oh... I get it.

814
00:48:50,282 --> 00:48:53,077
Are you coming in for a swim,
you big Mary?

815
00:49:19,603 --> 00:49:22,148
MICKEY:
Hey, Granddad, can we cook this crab?

816
00:49:22,273 --> 00:49:26,527
Or will it be unfair on the beach?
I can put it back if you want or...

817
00:49:28,946 --> 00:49:32,950
Oh, Granddad. Stop mucking around.

818
00:49:32,992 --> 00:49:35,327
I'm not falling for that again.

819
00:49:49,300 --> 00:49:53,512
Lottie! There's something not right
with Granddad.

820
00:49:55,389 --> 00:49:57,683
Oh, he's just doing
that stupid joke again.

821
00:49:57,808 --> 00:49:59,477
Come on, Granddad.

822
00:50:05,149 --> 00:50:06,192
Granddad?

823
00:50:07,860 --> 00:50:09,403
Granddad.

824
00:50:10,404 --> 00:50:12,156
Granddad?

825
00:50:14,158 --> 00:50:15,367
I think he might be dead.

826
00:50:26,837 --> 00:50:28,047
He's not breathing.

827
00:50:30,090 --> 00:50:32,384
I'm gonna check his pulse.

828
00:50:34,178 --> 00:50:36,013
They taught us this in Brownies.

829
00:50:54,949 --> 00:50:56,367
Granddad's got no pulse

830
00:50:56,408 --> 00:51:00,871
and we better get back
to tell everyone he's died.

831
00:51:00,913 --> 00:51:05,626
Such bad luck.
Dying just before your birthday party.

832
00:51:05,709 --> 00:51:08,879
Come on. The grown-ups
will know what to do.

833
00:51:08,921 --> 00:51:10,965
- They'll just argue.
- Hey?

834
00:51:11,048 --> 00:51:14,134
They'll argue and fight,
like Granddad said.

835
00:51:15,553 --> 00:51:17,805
And he said he didn't want that.

836
00:51:17,930 --> 00:51:23,602
If we leave him, he might get eaten
by badgers and seals and puffins.

837
00:51:23,686 --> 00:51:27,439
You go back, Lottie.
We'll stay here and guard Granddad.

838
00:51:27,565 --> 00:51:29,567
You're sure you'll be OK with that?

839
00:51:29,608 --> 00:51:31,735
Well, that's very brave
and grown-up of you.

840
00:51:31,819 --> 00:51:34,572
Do you think it'll be all right
if I can have the Swiss roll?

841
00:51:34,613 --> 00:51:36,115
I think that'll be all right.

842
00:51:36,240 --> 00:51:39,660
We won't eat Granddad's,
just in case.

843
00:51:39,743 --> 00:51:42,830
I won't be long! Be sensible!

844
00:52:03,767 --> 00:52:08,647
I read in a newspaper article that
said when people had stopped breathing,

845
00:52:08,772 --> 00:52:11,609
when people's heart stopped,
they die

846
00:52:11,692 --> 00:52:16,155
and then when they die, they felt
themselves leave their bodies

847
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:20,492
and they find themselves
hovering their own bodies

848
00:52:20,618 --> 00:52:23,370
and looking down on people.

849
00:52:39,803 --> 00:52:42,014
DOUG: You said it'd be
a small family gathering.

850
00:52:42,139 --> 00:52:44,808
- It's more like Glastonbury.
- GAVIN: Don't exaggerate.

851
00:52:44,850 --> 00:52:48,479
- Parading Dad. "Meet my dad..."
- Dad knows these people, OK?

852
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:50,898
- You should give him what he wants.
- He's very ill.

853
00:52:51,023 --> 00:52:53,984
He doesn't know what he wants.
We have to make decisions for him.

854
00:52:54,068 --> 00:52:56,153
But you wouldn't know about that,
would you?

855
00:52:56,236 --> 00:52:58,155
- Cos you're never here.
- Oh...

856
00:52:58,238 --> 00:53:02,534
This is going to be a reasonable-sized
gathering to celebrate Dad's life.

857
00:53:02,660 --> 00:53:05,913
Where have you booked for the funeral?
Westminster Abbey? The O2 Arena?

858
00:53:06,038 --> 00:53:08,415
- Shh! Yeah, Leon, I'm just...
- Who's that?

859
00:53:08,540 --> 00:53:11,335
(GEORDIE ACCENT) Oh, Leon?
Geordie Leon? My kids' new dad?

860
00:53:11,377 --> 00:53:14,338
- Oh! Hello, Leon!
- ABI: You pathetic child!

861
00:53:14,421 --> 00:53:16,840
- Mum...
- Leon is my new boss.

862
00:53:16,882 --> 00:53:18,842
The man I'm screwing is called Wallace.

863
00:53:20,928 --> 00:53:23,389
Wallace? Do the kids know?

864
00:53:23,514 --> 00:53:26,558
- I'll tell them when it's time.
- Does he have a dog called Gromit?

865
00:53:26,684 --> 00:53:28,394
ABI: Here come the stupid jokes.

866
00:53:41,865 --> 00:53:45,202
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

867
00:54:00,926 --> 00:54:02,553
(DOOR SHUTS)

868
00:54:21,155 --> 00:54:24,241
- She ate Granddad's Swiss roll.
- JESS: I didn't mean to!

869
00:54:24,283 --> 00:54:26,285
- It was a accident.
- It wasn't an accident.

870
00:54:26,410 --> 00:54:29,329
- It doesn't matter.
- Where are the grown-ups?

871
00:54:29,413 --> 00:54:32,082
(SIGHS) Fighting. Mickey was right.

872
00:54:32,166 --> 00:54:34,752
They can't be trusted
to do what Granddad wanted.

873
00:54:34,835 --> 00:54:36,670
So we're gonna do it.

874
00:54:36,754 --> 00:54:39,089
We're gonna give him
the funeral he wanted.

875
00:54:39,131 --> 00:54:41,008
- A Viking one?
- Yeah.

876
00:54:41,133 --> 00:54:43,635
- Cool.
- Where will we find a Viking boat?

877
00:54:45,262 --> 00:54:46,972
There's one in York.

878
00:54:47,097 --> 00:54:49,767
But I'm not sure
the museum will lend it to us

879
00:54:49,808 --> 00:54:51,935
if we tell them we're gonna burn it.

880
00:54:52,019 --> 00:54:54,772
Right, now listen,
we've all got to work together.

881
00:54:54,813 --> 00:54:57,691
- This is our present to Granddad.
- Shotgun the matches!

882
00:55:03,781 --> 00:55:04,823
GAVIN: Margaret!

883
00:55:09,328 --> 00:55:10,496
(STRAINS)

884
00:55:13,165 --> 00:55:15,626
That's drop-off point B. Turn around.

885
00:55:20,714 --> 00:55:23,675
So it won't be
a proper Viking longboat then?

886
00:55:23,801 --> 00:55:25,969
- No, it'll be a raft.
- How are we gonna move it?

887
00:55:26,011 --> 00:55:28,013
We'll put it in Granddad's car.

888
00:55:28,138 --> 00:55:30,808
- But we can't drive.
- Yes, we can.

889
00:55:30,849 --> 00:55:32,351
(ENGINE RUNS)

890
00:55:34,978 --> 00:55:38,232
Mickey, you push the pedal
and I'll do the wheel.

891
00:55:38,982 --> 00:55:40,692
(ENGINE REVS LOUDLY)

892
00:55:41,944 --> 00:55:43,904
I think we need to do
something with this.

893
00:55:43,987 --> 00:55:46,240
Which one should I do?
One, two, three or R?

894
00:55:46,323 --> 00:55:49,660
- One.
- I think we should go with R

895
00:55:49,701 --> 00:55:52,996
because we want the car
to go... (ROARS)

896
00:55:53,080 --> 00:55:57,626
I'm gonna do one. Do you think
we'll get into trouble for this?

897
00:55:57,709 --> 00:55:59,837
The grown-ups
might be annoyed at first,

898
00:55:59,878 --> 00:56:02,339
but once we tell them
this is what Granddad wanted...

899
00:56:02,422 --> 00:56:05,008
- (GEARS CRUNCH)
- Do the pedal again!

900
00:56:07,261 --> 00:56:09,054
(ENGINE REVS)

901
00:56:09,847 --> 00:56:12,558
The car sounds a bit annoyed!

902
00:56:12,683 --> 00:56:15,561
- MICKEY: How's that?
- Do I do left or right?

903
00:56:15,686 --> 00:56:18,105
Right. No!

904
00:56:19,106 --> 00:56:22,401
JESS: I'm not wearing a seat belt!
(LAUGHS)

905
00:56:24,695 --> 00:56:26,738
LOTTIE: A bit more. Turn a bit harder.

906
00:56:26,864 --> 00:56:27,865
(STRAINS)

907
00:56:27,948 --> 00:56:30,117
MICKEY: Is that better?

908
00:56:34,788 --> 00:56:37,207
How are we going to get that
in the back?

909
00:56:38,625 --> 00:56:41,295
MICKEY:
I've used every knot I know back there.

910
00:56:41,378 --> 00:56:43,422
Granddad said the tide's coming in,

911
00:56:43,547 --> 00:56:45,591
so if we leave the car
at the edge of the sea...

912
00:56:45,716 --> 00:56:48,135
MICKEY: Whoa! This is bumpy!

913
00:56:49,261 --> 00:56:51,889
Jess, shout when it's at the edge.

914
00:56:53,599 --> 00:56:55,225
Edge!

915
00:56:58,770 --> 00:57:00,480
- Oh, for God's sake!
- Yay! We did it!

916
00:57:00,564 --> 00:57:05,527
- Do you think we should lock it?
- Yes, we don't want it getting stolen.

917
00:57:07,571 --> 00:57:09,740
To be a proper Viking funeral,

918
00:57:09,781 --> 00:57:13,619
it's crucial that you need to take
his favourite things to heaven.

919
00:57:13,744 --> 00:57:14,995
I thought of that.

920
00:57:18,624 --> 00:57:21,251
MICKEY:
Oh, his Scotland shirt. Brilliant!

921
00:57:21,293 --> 00:57:22,753
(FART)

922
00:57:25,339 --> 00:57:28,342
- Granddad! He's alive!
- Granddad!

923
00:57:28,425 --> 00:57:30,677
Wake up! Come on, Granddad!

924
00:57:30,802 --> 00:57:33,096
JESS: Wake up, Granddad!

925
00:57:33,180 --> 00:57:35,349
Granddad.

926
00:57:36,767 --> 00:57:38,018
Come on.

927
00:57:43,106 --> 00:57:44,316
He's cold.

928
00:57:47,486 --> 00:57:50,280
I think people do farts
after they're dead.

929
00:57:50,822 --> 00:57:56,453
I saw it on this programme
called <i>The Real Silent Witness.</i>

930
00:57:56,536 --> 00:58:00,958
- This woman said so.
- Are you sure?

931
00:58:00,999 --> 00:58:06,463
She was wearing a white coat.
She said dead people are full of gas.

932
00:58:09,466 --> 00:58:11,510
I'm scared.

933
00:58:13,136 --> 00:58:16,348
It's OK. It's only Granddad.

934
00:58:19,059 --> 00:58:23,313
He sort of died in battle
cos he was fighting cancer,

935
00:58:23,397 --> 00:58:25,399
so we'll give him a warrior's funeral.

936
00:59:02,185 --> 00:59:05,022
LOTTIE: I didn't think
this would work.

937
00:59:05,063 --> 00:59:08,859
Well, it works at Stonehenge.
Druids moved huge rocks.

938
00:59:08,900 --> 00:59:13,030
Not granddads. So well done, my brain.

939
00:59:13,947 --> 00:59:16,199
I so can't wait to go back to school

940
00:59:16,283 --> 00:59:20,203
when we get to write about
what I did on our half term.

941
00:59:20,287 --> 00:59:23,623
But I bet Shona's done
something more interesting

942
00:59:23,707 --> 00:59:24,916
like she always has.

943
00:59:49,066 --> 00:59:50,734
Goodbye.

944
00:59:51,651 --> 00:59:53,070
You were nice.

945
00:59:56,948 --> 00:59:59,159
Please accept my pebble.

946
01:00:18,804 --> 01:00:22,933
We are gathered here,
to remember Gordie McLeod.

947
01:00:24,101 --> 01:00:25,852
I'm sorry you died, Granddad.

948
01:00:28,772 --> 01:00:31,191
I liked having someone to talk to.

949
01:00:34,694 --> 01:00:37,447
Have a good Valhalla.

950
01:00:38,198 --> 01:00:39,199
Amen.

951
01:01:13,316 --> 01:01:15,735
He'd be so proud of us.

952
01:01:47,642 --> 01:01:50,020
We can do folk rock,
we can do country,

953
01:01:50,061 --> 01:01:52,939
we can do country folk rock,
indie folk rock.

954
01:01:54,608 --> 01:01:57,444
Oh, my goodness. Where have you been?

955
01:01:57,527 --> 01:01:59,237
- We need...
- I told Granddad seven.

956
01:01:59,321 --> 01:02:01,114
- But...
- Oh, you're all mucky.

957
01:02:01,198 --> 01:02:03,325
- Come on, bath time.
- But we need...

958
01:02:03,408 --> 01:02:05,619
Did I mention bluegrass?
We can do bluegrass.

959
01:02:05,702 --> 01:02:07,746
But not so fast
since Billy had his stroke.

960
01:02:07,829 --> 01:02:09,706
Chop chop, the party's starting soon.

961
01:02:09,789 --> 01:02:13,001
- I've laid your clothes out.
- Granddad died.

962
01:02:14,461 --> 01:02:15,879
- What?
- Granddad died.

963
01:02:15,962 --> 01:02:18,048
Oh, crikey, guys,
what time do you call this?

964
01:02:18,131 --> 01:02:21,092
Doug. They're saying Gordie's died.

965
01:02:21,176 --> 01:02:25,513
Hallelujah. At last. So what have
you done with your granddad, eh?

966
01:02:25,639 --> 01:02:30,435
- Well...
- He died. On the beach.

967
01:02:30,518 --> 01:02:32,395
OK, I'm on it.

968
01:02:32,479 --> 01:02:34,856
- I shouldn't have let him...
- It's all right, love.

969
01:02:34,940 --> 01:02:36,983
Yes, ambulance, quickly,
please to, erm...

970
01:02:37,067 --> 01:02:39,653
- Lottie, where exactly is Granddad now?
- Out at sea.

971
01:02:42,155 --> 01:02:44,866
- Out at sea?
- And on fire.

972
01:02:47,661 --> 01:02:51,957
He wanted a Viking funeral,
so we built a raft, put the body on it,

973
01:02:52,040 --> 01:02:54,751
set it on fire
and floated him out to sea.

974
01:02:56,253 --> 01:02:57,754
Can you hold on a sec?

975
01:02:57,837 --> 01:03:01,424
Lottie. Stop being silly,
just tell us, where is Granddad?

976
01:03:01,508 --> 01:03:04,261
Ah, yeah. This is a wind-up.

977
01:03:04,344 --> 01:03:05,929
He's put you up to this, hasn't he?

978
01:03:06,012 --> 01:03:08,348
This is one of Granddad's
stupid jokes, isn't it?

979
01:03:08,431 --> 01:03:10,517
Well, he did do it as a joke
to pretend to die,

980
01:03:10,600 --> 01:03:13,270
but this time, it's not a joke.

981
01:03:14,104 --> 01:03:17,190
- WOMAN ON PHONE: <i>Hello?</i>
- Yes, er, yeah.

982
01:03:17,274 --> 01:03:21,319
We're just getting the details if you
could just show us a bit of patience.

983
01:03:21,403 --> 01:03:24,114
I know that you're going to tell me
exactly what happened.

984
01:03:24,197 --> 01:03:26,866
Well, I found lots of wood and...

985
01:03:26,950 --> 01:03:29,369
- Er...
- ...and I found lots of crabs.

986
01:03:29,452 --> 01:03:31,037
- Right...
- I lost my rock.

987
01:03:31,121 --> 01:03:34,624
- At the end of the day, I found it.
- But what happened to Granddad?

988
01:03:34,708 --> 01:03:39,462
There was a lady with a girlfriend
that lived with lots of pigs.

989
01:03:39,546 --> 01:03:41,339
- After the lady.
- She sweared a lot.

990
01:03:41,423 --> 01:03:44,009
- Back to Granddad.
- It's vital you tell the truth.

991
01:03:44,092 --> 01:03:46,052
- We do tell the truth.
- Keep it down.

992
01:03:46,136 --> 01:03:49,222
Nothing to do with the fish
or the crab or your stone, sweetie.

993
01:03:49,306 --> 01:03:50,307
Where is Granddad?

994
01:03:50,390 --> 01:03:52,475
If you listen, I'll tell you the story.

995
01:03:52,559 --> 01:03:55,353
- I know, darling, but faster.
- So will you listen?

996
01:03:55,437 --> 01:03:56,479
Hm-hmm.

997
01:03:56,563 --> 01:03:58,648
- Grandpa farted.
- Oh.

998
01:03:58,732 --> 01:04:02,652
Yes, we do still need an ambulance.
And the police.

999
01:04:02,736 --> 01:04:05,613
And possibly the coastguard.

1000
01:04:05,739 --> 01:04:09,200
No, we don't need the fire brigade,
and I don't appreciate your tone.

1001
01:04:09,284 --> 01:04:11,536
Well, he is on fire.

1002
01:04:11,619 --> 01:04:14,205
- Quickly now.
- I found some fishes.

1003
01:04:14,289 --> 01:04:17,667
- Yep, after...
- Lottie knocked over some signs.

1004
01:04:17,751 --> 01:04:18,877
What happened next?

1005
01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:22,589
Yes, it is an emergency, we just
don't know what sort of emergency.

1006
01:04:22,672 --> 01:04:23,882
And then?

1007
01:04:23,965 --> 01:04:27,052
I stopped the crows
from eating Grandpa.

1008
01:04:27,135 --> 01:04:28,136
OK.

1009
01:04:28,261 --> 01:04:31,014
I'm perfectly aware
that it is a criminal offence

1010
01:04:31,097 --> 01:04:32,640
to make prank calls, but...

1011
01:04:33,892 --> 01:04:36,436
She's hung up! 999 has hung up!

1012
01:04:36,519 --> 01:04:38,688
Do we still have to have a bath?

1013
01:04:38,772 --> 01:04:41,733
- Erm... Er, no.
- Yay!

1014
01:04:41,816 --> 01:04:45,570
Car keys! Where the bloody hell
are the car keys?

1015
01:04:45,653 --> 01:04:47,697
We'll take ours.

1016
01:04:47,781 --> 01:04:50,408
MARGARET: Okey-dokey.

1017
01:04:50,492 --> 01:04:53,620
Now then, I have some very important
cake-tasting needs done.

1018
01:04:53,703 --> 01:04:56,414
Do I have any volunteers
to help me with that?

1019
01:05:03,380 --> 01:05:05,465
(THUNDER)

1020
01:05:48,341 --> 01:05:49,968
You stupid...!

1021
01:05:55,765 --> 01:05:59,018
- You stupid...
- Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

1022
01:05:59,102 --> 01:06:02,147
Come on. No, no! Whoa, whoa! All right!

1023
01:06:02,230 --> 01:06:04,816
- (WAILS)
- All right, all right, it's all right.

1024
01:06:04,899 --> 01:06:07,610
It's OK. It's all right.

1025
01:06:15,243 --> 01:06:17,745
(BAND TUNES UP)

1026
01:06:22,208 --> 01:06:25,503
- Two, three, four.
- (BAND PLAYS UPBEAT FOLK TUNE)

1027
01:06:37,557 --> 01:06:41,269
I don't believe this.
This is a bloody nightmare.

1028
01:06:41,394 --> 01:06:43,855
Sir Donald, glad you could make it.

1029
01:06:43,938 --> 01:06:45,440
A bloody total nightmare.

1030
01:06:45,523 --> 01:06:48,985
Hughie. (LAUGHS) Good to see you.

1031
01:06:49,068 --> 01:06:51,321
A bloody total nightmare.

1032
01:06:51,404 --> 01:06:54,324
- Gavin, language. The children.
- GAVIN: Right, yeah.

1033
01:06:54,407 --> 01:06:57,327
They can't hear "bloody"
but they can set fire to my father.

1034
01:06:57,410 --> 01:06:59,704
We didn't hurt him. He was dead.

1035
01:06:59,787 --> 01:07:02,582
- Let's hope so.
- For Christ's sake. They were...

1036
01:07:02,665 --> 01:07:05,752
MARGARET: Someone best break it
to the ones who've arrived.

1037
01:07:05,835 --> 01:07:08,963
- We just did what Granddad wanted.
- GAVIN: He didn't want this.

1038
01:07:09,047 --> 01:07:12,258
He wanted to be cremated. Don't say it.
I'm looking for someone to punch

1039
01:07:12,342 --> 01:07:15,762
- and your children are too small!
- DOUG: Enough!

1040
01:07:22,018 --> 01:07:23,353
Odin.

1041
01:07:26,481 --> 01:07:29,734
Excuse me. Excuse me!

1042
01:07:29,817 --> 01:07:32,320
(GLASSES CLINK)

1043
01:07:34,822 --> 01:07:36,032
Sorry, no photos.

1044
01:07:36,115 --> 01:07:38,451
- Thank you all so much for coming.
- (FEEDBACK)

1045
01:07:38,535 --> 01:07:42,247
Gordie would be pleased to see so many
of his friends gathered together.

1046
01:07:43,998 --> 01:07:46,709
Except sadly,

1047
01:07:46,793 --> 01:07:49,587
Gordie can't be pleased because...

1048
01:07:51,673 --> 01:07:55,009
...he passed away today.

1049
01:07:55,093 --> 01:07:56,719
(MUTTERING)

1050
01:07:56,803 --> 01:07:58,805
We think.

1051
01:07:58,888 --> 01:08:03,393
W-W-We're fairly certain he has.

1052
01:08:06,729 --> 01:08:09,983
Anyway,
I know you won't feel like dancing,

1053
01:08:10,066 --> 01:08:14,404
but do please have a drink
and make yourselves at home.

1054
01:08:14,487 --> 01:08:17,282
- (FEEDBACK)
- Jimmy Cazerotto?

1055
01:08:17,365 --> 01:08:18,408
Margaret!

1056
01:08:18,491 --> 01:08:23,246
- We thought you were in New Zealand.
- Where is the old bastard? Huh?

1057
01:08:25,331 --> 01:08:28,543
- Jimmy, I'm Abi.
- What?

1058
01:08:34,924 --> 01:08:38,261
(BAND PLAYS FOLK TUNE)

1059
01:08:56,362 --> 01:08:59,115
Where's Kenneth?
He's supposed to be...

1060
01:08:59,198 --> 01:09:03,620
- Aha! You took your time, Murdo.
- It's Andy Mackay's stag night.

1061
01:09:03,703 --> 01:09:05,788
A dwarf got thrown through a window.

1062
01:09:07,332 --> 01:09:10,418
- This is Agnes Chisholm.
- From the Child Welfare Unit.

1063
01:09:10,543 --> 01:09:12,920
I'll require a room for interviews.

1064
01:09:13,046 --> 01:09:15,965
I found this child outside.
Unaccompanied.

1065
01:09:16,049 --> 01:09:18,468
Yeah, that's my son.

1066
01:09:21,137 --> 01:09:22,180
Thank you.

1067
01:09:22,263 --> 01:09:25,183
Why have they called the police?
We've done nothing wrong.

1068
01:09:25,266 --> 01:09:27,226
Please do exactly as I ask.

1069
01:09:27,310 --> 01:09:30,063
There is a procedure
for this kind of situation.

1070
01:09:31,064 --> 01:09:33,650
- There is?
- Oh, yes.

1071
01:09:33,733 --> 01:09:35,485
ABI: So he's at peace.

1072
01:09:35,568 --> 01:09:37,070
At... At peace.

1073
01:09:37,570 --> 01:09:40,573
Can I see him one last time?

1074
01:09:41,783 --> 01:09:44,285
I've come all the way
from New Zealand, you know.

1075
01:09:46,079 --> 01:09:49,040
I'm afraid that's not possible, Jimmy.

1076
01:09:49,123 --> 01:09:52,877
(LOUDLY) It's not... not... possible.

1077
01:09:57,924 --> 01:10:02,512
Sir Donald.
Very sorry about this, Sir Donald.

1078
01:10:03,721 --> 01:10:05,139
It's funny, this morning...

1079
01:10:05,223 --> 01:10:11,562
And we think...
we think that's what happened

1080
01:10:11,646 --> 01:10:13,898
but obviously, that's...

1081
01:10:13,981 --> 01:10:15,483
That's what?

1082
01:10:17,276 --> 01:10:20,279
(WHISPERS) Confidential.

1083
01:10:21,030 --> 01:10:25,535
(SHOUTS) That the kids burnt his body
and floated him out to sea?

1084
01:10:25,618 --> 01:10:27,870
(SILENCE)

1085
01:10:35,128 --> 01:10:38,131
Er, yes, well, the kids, erm...

1086
01:10:39,757 --> 01:10:41,008
They're from London.

1087
01:10:42,969 --> 01:10:44,929
So, thank you for that, Jess.

1088
01:10:45,012 --> 01:10:46,347
And if it's OK with you,

1089
01:10:46,431 --> 01:10:50,351
I'll just keep this lovely drawing
I asked you to do of the three of you

1090
01:10:50,435 --> 01:10:53,604
setting fire to your grandpa.

1091
01:10:53,688 --> 01:10:57,358
- Do you want to put it on your fridge?
- No. That's not...

1092
01:10:57,442 --> 01:11:01,487
There wasn't exactly
a unicorn on the beach

1093
01:11:01,571 --> 01:11:03,197
but I just got bored.

1094
01:11:03,281 --> 01:11:05,450
Perhaps we could hang on to the picture.

1095
01:11:05,533 --> 01:11:08,661
It will be returned to you
when the investigation's completed.

1096
01:11:08,745 --> 01:11:09,746
JESS: Can I go now?

1097
01:11:09,829 --> 01:11:13,374
- I was halfway through a Cheese String.
- OK.

1098
01:11:18,504 --> 01:11:23,176
So she holds her breath
quite often, does she?

1099
01:11:41,360 --> 01:11:47,200
So, Mickey, the idea
for the special funeral,

1100
01:11:47,283 --> 01:11:49,494
- who did that come from?
- Odin.

1101
01:11:52,205 --> 01:11:53,206
Odin?

1102
01:11:53,289 --> 01:11:57,126
He walks the Earth with one eye
and a big hat and an eight-legged horse

1103
01:11:57,210 --> 01:11:59,962
disguised as a traveller
to see if people's nice to him

1104
01:12:00,046 --> 01:12:01,672
and he's here now.

1105
01:12:01,756 --> 01:12:06,969
So, Odin, the Norse god,
is currently here

1106
01:12:07,053 --> 01:12:10,139
with an eight-legged horse?

1107
01:12:15,812 --> 01:12:19,398
(BAND PLAYS)

1108
01:12:19,482 --> 01:12:22,610
Ach, sod it, lads. Let's call it a day.

1109
01:12:32,870 --> 01:12:34,539
GAVIN: Kenneth! Kenneth!

1110
01:12:34,622 --> 01:12:36,499
Where the hell is he?

1111
01:12:40,419 --> 01:12:43,381
Is this an effective use
of police resources?

1112
01:12:43,464 --> 01:12:46,425
Shouldn't you be out
looking for evidence of my father?

1113
01:12:46,509 --> 01:12:48,219
We haven't got a submarine.

1114
01:12:48,302 --> 01:12:51,973
Oh. (LAUGHS) Jokes is it now?

1115
01:12:52,682 --> 01:12:55,142
Make it bigger! Bigger!

1116
01:12:55,268 --> 01:12:57,270
Don't stress, I'm trying.

1117
01:12:57,353 --> 01:12:58,855
This isn't cats.

1118
01:12:58,938 --> 01:13:00,940
It's something
Kenneth's been watching.

1119
01:13:01,023 --> 01:13:04,652
Don't just press buttons at random.

1120
01:13:08,781 --> 01:13:11,117
(MURMURING)

1121
01:13:12,577 --> 01:13:14,412
MAN: Is that the YouTube thing?

1122
01:13:15,538 --> 01:13:18,791
I've thought of a joke.
A very funny joke. Yeah.

1123
01:13:20,960 --> 01:13:23,045
- (LAUGHTER)
- I make an official complaint

1124
01:13:23,129 --> 01:13:26,716
to your Chief Superintendent
who happens to be a friend of mine

1125
01:13:26,799 --> 01:13:32,805
who happens to be in my house right now
as a guest, so...

1126
01:13:36,684 --> 01:13:40,563
So, Lottie,
when your granddad passed away...

1127
01:13:42,607 --> 01:13:45,359
Ten to four. Approximately.

1128
01:13:46,861 --> 01:13:48,529
That's a pretty wee notebook.

1129
01:13:49,405 --> 01:13:52,325
What sort of things do you put in that?

1130
01:13:52,408 --> 01:13:55,328
Thoughts, facts, information.

1131
01:13:56,454 --> 01:13:57,538
Lies that I get told.

1132
01:13:57,622 --> 01:13:59,916
Could I possibly have a look at that?

1133
01:14:05,671 --> 01:14:08,007
Do you think
I could hang on to this for a bit?

1134
01:14:08,090 --> 01:14:11,302
Is that really necessary?
Why would...

1135
01:14:11,385 --> 01:14:13,012
Why would you need to hang on to it?

1136
01:14:13,095 --> 01:14:16,140
You're not thinking of...
removing us anywhere, are you?

1137
01:14:16,223 --> 01:14:20,019
Don't be silly, darling. This lady's
not here to do that. Are you?

1138
01:14:20,102 --> 01:14:22,521
At this stage,
I'm just making an assessment.

1139
01:14:26,150 --> 01:14:28,486
(LAUGHTER)

1140
01:14:29,445 --> 01:14:31,447
WOMAN: What is that?

1141
01:14:31,530 --> 01:14:33,866
God, what is she doing?

1142
01:14:37,161 --> 01:14:39,205
(LAUGHTER)

1143
01:14:40,456 --> 01:14:42,541
I take it you hadn't seen this,
Mr. McLeod.

1144
01:14:42,625 --> 01:14:44,126
No charges were brought.

1145
01:14:44,210 --> 01:14:48,047
No, the staff at the mini mart
were very good about it.

1146
01:14:48,130 --> 01:14:51,884
Everyone... you know,
understood that your wife was,

1147
01:14:51,968 --> 01:14:56,722
you know, adversely affected
by her medication.

1148
01:14:56,806 --> 01:15:01,268
- Medication?
- Yeah, the anti-depressants.

1149
01:15:02,019 --> 01:15:03,980
For the depression.

1150
01:15:07,650 --> 01:15:09,527
It's not your night, is it?

1151
01:15:12,279 --> 01:15:14,448
MARGARET: Who fancies a dram?

1152
01:15:15,741 --> 01:15:17,118
I'm taking orders.

1153
01:15:17,201 --> 01:15:20,913
I've got Glengoyne or Glenmorangie.

1154
01:15:24,250 --> 01:15:25,626
It's finished. Play it again.

1155
01:15:25,668 --> 01:15:28,337
Oh, for Christ's sake! Kids!

1156
01:15:36,053 --> 01:15:37,221
Everything all right?

1157
01:15:37,304 --> 01:15:41,225
Please don't go anywhere
without notifying me, will you?

1158
01:15:52,987 --> 01:15:54,697
Has something happened?

1159
01:16:09,211 --> 01:16:12,214
(CUTLERY CLATTERING)

1160
01:16:18,554 --> 01:16:21,640
Why is the knives and forks so loud?

1161
01:16:21,724 --> 01:16:23,142
Oh!

1162
01:16:24,727 --> 01:16:28,481
- Have you ever read Lottie's notebook?
- No. Have you?

1163
01:16:28,564 --> 01:16:30,399
No.

1164
01:16:30,483 --> 01:16:32,777
Well, not... not much.

1165
01:16:32,860 --> 01:16:34,695
She writes down everything.

1166
01:16:34,779 --> 01:16:36,655
Hey, sleep OK, sweetheart?

1167
01:16:39,533 --> 01:16:42,953
And now intervention woman's got it.

1168
01:16:43,037 --> 01:16:45,414
- Intervention?
- That's the word she keeps using.

1169
01:16:48,709 --> 01:16:50,836
I think maybe we should get a lawyer.

1170
01:16:50,920 --> 01:16:54,048
Another lawyer? They've been great
at calming things down.

1171
01:16:54,173 --> 01:16:56,884
The important thing is
not to antagonise her.

1172
01:16:56,967 --> 01:16:58,594
- We just need to...
- Good morning.

1173
01:16:58,677 --> 01:17:00,471
DOUG: Morning.

1174
01:17:00,554 --> 01:17:02,807
Jesus, no, no!

1175
01:17:02,890 --> 01:17:04,141
(REPORTERS SHOUT)

1176
01:17:04,225 --> 01:17:06,185
For God's sake, Kenneth!

1177
01:17:09,688 --> 01:17:11,482
How did they find us so fast?

1178
01:17:11,565 --> 01:17:14,235
That'll be that bloody Donny Mackay.

1179
01:17:15,903 --> 01:17:18,447
He'll do anything
to fill his bloody guest house.

1180
01:17:20,324 --> 01:17:21,951
MARGARET: Oh, what's the point?

1181
01:17:22,034 --> 01:17:24,453
No one gets to keep
any secrets any more.

1182
01:17:24,537 --> 01:17:26,205
Well, you can say that again.

1183
01:17:26,288 --> 01:17:29,750
No one gets to keep
any secrets any more.

1184
01:17:30,584 --> 01:17:33,212
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Bloody vultures!

1185
01:17:33,295 --> 01:17:36,173
Why can't Scotland have
a law of trespass like a real country?

1186
01:17:36,257 --> 01:17:39,260
ABI: Oh, Lord.
It's Little Miss Sunshine.

1187
01:17:40,302 --> 01:17:42,555
- Oh, Christ. Just be...
- Be what?

1188
01:17:42,638 --> 01:17:44,765
Just be... You know...

1189
01:17:49,770 --> 01:17:52,565
I came through the back lane
to evade all the media.

1190
01:17:52,648 --> 01:17:54,900
Well, thank you.

1191
01:17:56,610 --> 01:17:57,611
May I come in?

1192
01:17:57,736 --> 01:17:58,863
- Of course.
- Why?

1193
01:17:58,946 --> 01:18:00,781
- I'm sorry?
- Why do you want to come in?

1194
01:18:00,865 --> 01:18:03,450
- Abi, she's just...
- I need more information.

1195
01:18:03,534 --> 01:18:04,743
What sort of information?

1196
01:18:04,827 --> 01:18:08,539
Information to help assess
which of the range of outcomes...

1197
01:18:08,622 --> 01:18:12,376
- Outcomes? What outcomes?
- Outcomes, Abi.

1198
01:18:12,459 --> 01:18:14,545
A range of outcomes
from intervention to...

1199
01:18:14,628 --> 01:18:16,630
There! She said it.

1200
01:18:16,755 --> 01:18:19,133
I could involve the police
in this conversation.

1201
01:18:19,258 --> 01:18:21,051
You can come in when I get an assurance

1202
01:18:21,135 --> 01:18:23,762
that there is no possibility
of you taking away my kids.

1203
01:18:23,846 --> 01:18:26,682
- Abi.
- As I was in the process of saying...

1204
01:18:26,765 --> 01:18:29,268
- I'll take that as a no, then.
- Abi!

1205
01:18:29,351 --> 01:18:31,770
Jesus. Look at this.

1206
01:18:32,688 --> 01:18:34,398
Look at it. Look.

1207
01:18:34,481 --> 01:18:37,026
We're front page of
the <i>Daily Mail</i> as well.

1208
01:18:37,109 --> 01:18:39,069
- Thank you, Kenneth.
- And the <i>Express.</i>

1209
01:18:39,153 --> 01:18:41,989
- Kenneth, that's enough.
- "Feral Children Sacrifice..."

1210
01:18:42,072 --> 01:18:45,284
Kenneth! We can do without
the bloody rolling bulletin!

1211
01:18:45,367 --> 01:18:47,369
- Thank you.
- We need to deal with this.

1212
01:18:47,453 --> 01:18:50,289
- It's not helpful.
- I'm trying to be informative.

1213
01:18:50,372 --> 01:18:52,791
- Kenneth!
- (WASP BUZZES)

1214
01:18:59,173 --> 01:19:02,551
Look, Gavin,
about the supermarket episode...

1215
01:19:02,635 --> 01:19:05,387
There's nothing... helpful
to be said about that.

1216
01:19:10,559 --> 01:19:12,978
- Ah, I was wondering...
- I'd like my notebook back.

1217
01:19:13,062 --> 01:19:17,483
I'm sorry, Lottie, I'm only permitted to
talk to you in an interview situation.

1218
01:19:18,651 --> 01:19:22,696
Actually, could I just nip in
and use your phone for a moment?

1219
01:19:26,742 --> 01:19:29,954
(REPORTERS SPEAK
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES)

1220
01:19:30,037 --> 01:19:31,830
(US ACCENT) But the Prime Minister
has tweeted

1221
01:19:31,914 --> 01:19:34,959
that the incident is the symptom
of a broken society.

1222
01:19:35,918 --> 01:19:38,212
(SIGHS)

1223
01:19:38,337 --> 01:19:41,382
Don't worry, Dad, I told you,
Odin will sort all this out.

1224
01:19:41,465 --> 01:19:43,050
Mickey, you didn't see Odin.

1225
01:19:43,133 --> 01:19:45,135
Miss Pringle said that she saw Jesus

1226
01:19:45,219 --> 01:19:47,554
and if she can see Jesus,
I can see Odin.

1227
01:19:47,638 --> 01:19:49,682
You didn't see Odin!
There is no Odin.

1228
01:19:49,765 --> 01:19:51,475
This is the real world.

1229
01:19:52,476 --> 01:19:55,688
- JESS: We're on television!
- (GROANS)

1230
01:19:57,064 --> 01:19:59,692
TV: <i>The three children</i>
<i>from this family</i>

1231
01:19:59,775 --> 01:20:01,860
<i>who cannot be named
for legal reasons...</i>

1232
01:20:01,944 --> 01:20:04,738
- Oh!
<i>- ...are inside the house.</i>

1233
01:20:04,863 --> 01:20:07,658
<i>- The police have announced...
- We can only confirm</i>

1234
01:20:07,741 --> 01:20:10,452
<i>that the body of a man
in his mid-seventies</i>

1235
01:20:10,536 --> 01:20:15,916
<i>was... destroyed and floated out to sea</i>

1236
01:20:16,000 --> 01:20:17,584
<i>possibly with some valuables.</i>

1237
01:20:17,668 --> 01:20:18,794
(PHONE RINGS)

1238
01:20:19,712 --> 01:20:20,796
Hi, there.

1239
01:20:20,879 --> 01:20:23,590
I forgot to put
the brooch in my drawing.

1240
01:20:23,674 --> 01:20:25,217
- Yes, it was.
- Brooch?

1241
01:20:25,301 --> 01:20:28,178
Granddad's Viking brooch.
We put it on the raft.

1242
01:20:28,262 --> 01:20:31,140
All Vikings went to Valhalla
with their treasure.

1243
01:20:31,890 --> 01:20:33,767
You morons!

1244
01:20:33,892 --> 01:20:35,811
Well, that's just rude.

1245
01:20:35,894 --> 01:20:37,479
You, stupid, stupid little...

1246
01:20:37,563 --> 01:20:40,649
- Whoa, whoa, enough!
- They've destroyed a family heirloom.

1247
01:20:40,733 --> 01:20:43,277
- Dad found it.
- It's worth £15,000.

1248
01:20:43,402 --> 01:20:46,238
- 15,000?
- I had it valued.

1249
01:20:46,322 --> 01:20:49,700
- Oh, I get it.
- What's that supposed to mean?

1250
01:20:49,783 --> 01:20:51,243
- Thinking ahead?
- Doug...

1251
01:20:51,327 --> 01:20:54,955
Thought we'd keep that secret
till after we divided up Dad's things?

1252
01:20:55,039 --> 01:20:58,584
I was going to announce it
as a surprise for his birthday.

1253
01:20:58,667 --> 01:21:01,670
Please! I'm glad
he's not here to listen to this.

1254
01:21:01,754 --> 01:21:04,506
He probably would be here
if it wasn't for your mental kids!

1255
01:21:04,590 --> 01:21:06,592
- It is not the kids' fault!
- That's right!

1256
01:21:06,675 --> 01:21:08,052
- It's his.
- What?

1257
01:21:08,135 --> 01:21:09,720
Lottie tried to get us to listen

1258
01:21:09,803 --> 01:21:12,806
and you were too busy having
an argument with your stupid brother.

1259
01:21:12,931 --> 01:21:16,143
- This isn't getting us anywhere.
- Oh, just go chuck a pumpkin!

1260
01:21:16,226 --> 01:21:18,729
- GAVIN: That's enough.
- DOUG: It's not enough.

1261
01:21:18,812 --> 01:21:21,482
- Nothing's enough for you, is it?
- LOTTIE: Stop!

1262
01:21:21,565 --> 01:21:26,070
Stop it now! This is exactly
what Granddad said would happen.

1263
01:21:27,112 --> 01:21:31,116
He wanted a Viking funeral so it would
give you all less to fight about.

1264
01:21:31,200 --> 01:21:34,661
He said no one should fight,
because at the end of the day,

1265
01:21:34,745 --> 01:21:37,831
it doesn't matter
if Uncle Gavin's a tight-arse

1266
01:21:37,956 --> 01:21:42,878
and Dad's a shambles
and Mum's a bit mouthy

1267
01:21:42,961 --> 01:21:48,675
and Auntie Margaret's...
something or other.

1268
01:21:48,759 --> 01:21:51,470
He said you mustn't mind about that
in the people you love.

1269
01:21:52,513 --> 01:21:57,559
Because... we're all... ridiculous,
and none of this matters.

1270
01:21:58,519 --> 01:22:02,523
Erm, well, I'm sorry, Gavin.
I shouldn't have said all that stuff.

1271
01:22:02,606 --> 01:22:07,986
No, no, it was me.
I didn't... I was being a...

1272
01:22:08,070 --> 01:22:10,322
Listen, kids. I'm really sorry, but...

1273
01:22:11,824 --> 01:22:14,827
Sometimes when adults
get a little bit upset,

1274
01:22:14,910 --> 01:22:15,994
they just become a...

1275
01:22:16,078 --> 01:22:18,288
Where's Mickey?

1276
01:22:18,372 --> 01:22:20,290
He's on there.

1277
01:22:20,374 --> 01:22:23,627
<i>I'm fed up of being stuck inside.
I've come out to explain.</i>

1278
01:22:23,710 --> 01:22:26,672
- Jesus!
- Tell them "no comment"!

1279
01:22:26,755 --> 01:22:28,340
Cos this is the real world.

1280
01:22:28,424 --> 01:22:31,468
Granddad stopped breathing
and then what happened...

1281
01:22:31,552 --> 01:22:33,762
- (REPORTERS SHOUT)
- That's enough, thank you.

1282
01:22:33,846 --> 01:22:36,932
- You best go back inside.
- I was trying to explain everything.

1283
01:22:37,015 --> 01:22:40,060
- Yeah, I know but...
- As it's all our fault,

1284
01:22:40,144 --> 01:22:42,855
I thought it might stop the shouting.

1285
01:22:44,398 --> 01:22:46,775
No, it's not all your fault.
Nothing's your fault.

1286
01:22:50,070 --> 01:22:51,864
You head inside, go on.

1287
01:22:52,573 --> 01:22:54,366
(REPORTERS SHOUT)

1288
01:22:54,450 --> 01:22:57,035
<i>- We have no comment to make.</i>
- Good. Straight bat.

1289
01:22:57,119 --> 01:22:58,537
You were on TV!

1290
01:22:58,620 --> 01:23:00,664
We have no comment to make
at this juncture.

1291
01:23:00,747 --> 01:23:03,876
REPORTER: Mr. McLeod,
can you confirm reports...?

1292
01:23:03,959 --> 01:23:07,671
Except to say... you should
all be ashamed of yourselves.

1293
01:23:07,754 --> 01:23:09,756
- What's he doing?
<i>- You're a disgrace!</i>

1294
01:23:09,840 --> 01:23:10,924
Don't provoke them!

1295
01:23:11,049 --> 01:23:13,886
You have guidelines.
My son is six years old!

1296
01:23:13,969 --> 01:23:16,472
Then why's he wandering about alone?

1297
01:23:16,555 --> 01:23:19,266
He was... We have no further comment.

1298
01:23:19,349 --> 01:23:22,686
Why were young children left
in the care of an elderly, sick man?

1299
01:23:22,769 --> 01:23:24,897
- REPORTER: Mr. McLeod, over here!
- Well...

1300
01:23:24,980 --> 01:23:28,317
<i>We... we did deliberate over that.</i>

1301
01:23:28,400 --> 01:23:29,443
Walk away, man.

1302
01:23:31,570 --> 01:23:33,739
Is your divorce
affecting your children?

1303
01:23:35,657 --> 01:23:38,118
Your divorce, caused by your affair.

1304
01:23:39,745 --> 01:23:41,580
Do you take responsibility

1305
01:23:41,663 --> 01:23:45,209
for the actions of your children?
Do you feel you've failed as a father?

1306
01:23:48,337 --> 01:23:49,671
Sorry, what?

1307
01:23:49,755 --> 01:23:52,090
Do you feel you've failed as a father?

1308
01:23:52,925 --> 01:23:54,510
Well, I'm not sure that...

1309
01:23:55,636 --> 01:23:57,930
I mean...

1310
01:23:58,013 --> 01:24:01,391
- It's true that I've certainly...
- REPORTER: Mrs. McLeod.

1311
01:24:01,475 --> 01:24:04,144
My husband is a good and loving father.

1312
01:24:04,228 --> 01:24:06,146
We have no further comment.

1313
01:24:06,230 --> 01:24:08,732
Would you describe your marriage
as dysfunctional?

1314
01:24:08,815 --> 01:24:12,903
Oh, the magic word, "dysfunctional".
Yeah! Yep, fine.

1315
01:24:12,986 --> 01:24:15,364
- Fine, we're dysfunctional.
- She's doing it now.

1316
01:24:15,447 --> 01:24:17,157
If you mean by "dysfunctional"

1317
01:24:17,241 --> 01:24:20,452
that we're two average people
who have made a few mistakes,

1318
01:24:20,536 --> 01:24:22,829
and are trying very hard
to muddle through

1319
01:24:22,913 --> 01:24:24,414
while trying our utmost

1320
01:24:24,498 --> 01:24:29,419
to protect and nurture
our three... fantastic children,

1321
01:24:29,503 --> 01:24:31,255
Jess, Mickey and Lottie...

1322
01:24:31,338 --> 01:24:33,757
- Yes! Name check.
- Yay!

1323
01:24:33,840 --> 01:24:36,802
Yes, we are dysfunctional.
Thank you.

1324
01:24:36,885 --> 01:24:39,137
(REPORTERS SHOUT)

1325
01:24:40,472 --> 01:24:42,224
MARGARET: Bravo, Abi.

1326
01:24:42,307 --> 01:24:46,436
GAVIN: Well done, Abi.
You certainly put them in their place.

1327
01:24:58,865 --> 01:25:00,409
Has something else happened?

1328
01:25:12,963 --> 01:25:17,134
I've learnt my lesson. Next time I'm
with someone who's died on the beach,

1329
01:25:17,217 --> 01:25:20,679
I'll tell an adult
and I won't set fire to them.

1330
01:25:21,430 --> 01:25:22,806
Very sensible.

1331
01:25:22,889 --> 01:25:24,600
Cheers.

1332
01:25:26,685 --> 01:25:30,063
- It's nice that Mickey wants to be...
- I said no to the Newcastle job.

1333
01:25:31,940 --> 01:25:34,860
- Did you?
- Yeah.

1334
01:25:36,278 --> 01:25:37,279
Thanks.

1335
01:25:41,074 --> 01:25:43,410
I've decided I don't need a solicitor.

1336
01:25:43,493 --> 01:25:46,038
I know. My solicitor told me.

1337
01:25:46,121 --> 01:25:47,998
- Already?
- Yep.

1338
01:25:48,081 --> 01:25:50,334
She said it gave me a huge advantage.

1339
01:25:50,417 --> 01:25:53,295
She used the phrase "easy meat".

1340
01:25:54,463 --> 01:25:55,797
I'm gonna get rid of her.

1341
01:25:58,133 --> 01:26:00,594
Let's do this humanely.

1342
01:26:01,553 --> 01:26:03,221
Hmm.

1343
01:26:03,305 --> 01:26:05,849
GAVIN: OK, everybody.

1344
01:26:05,932 --> 01:26:08,393
Everyone, if you could
just gather round.

1345
01:26:08,477 --> 01:26:11,855
Sorry the midges are out
in their hordes.

1346
01:26:11,938 --> 01:26:14,191
- This is...
- GAVIN: Over here, guys.

1347
01:26:14,274 --> 01:26:18,236
Lottie? I'm not sure
there's any actual, real evidence

1348
01:26:18,320 --> 01:26:20,947
that the Vikings actually
buried their dead

1349
01:26:21,031 --> 01:26:25,327
by burning them
and floating them out to sea.

1350
01:26:26,536 --> 01:26:28,288
Mickey?

1351
01:26:28,372 --> 01:26:32,084
Never, ever say that out loud again.

1352
01:26:32,626 --> 01:26:35,921
GAVIN: Over here. Thanks.

1353
01:26:37,255 --> 01:26:39,633
My brother Doug
is going to say a few words.

1354
01:26:51,895 --> 01:26:53,146
Thanks for coming.

1355
01:26:53,271 --> 01:26:56,191
(CLEARS THROAT) Well done
for shaking off the reporters.

1356
01:26:56,274 --> 01:26:58,235
(LAUGHTER)

1357
01:26:58,318 --> 01:27:02,030
The press have portrayed
my father's death as a disgrace.

1358
01:27:03,407 --> 01:27:06,201
But what better way to die
could he have had...

1359
01:27:09,871 --> 01:27:11,623
...than on his favourite beach...

1360
01:27:17,045 --> 01:27:19,715
...watching the grandchildren
that he loved play...

1361
01:27:22,467 --> 01:27:24,094
...play...

1362
01:27:25,679 --> 01:27:27,305
(SIGHS)

1363
01:27:28,306 --> 01:27:31,017
I don't know what Dad
would have made of all this.

1364
01:27:32,978 --> 01:27:37,482
Actually, I do.
He'd have laughed himself stupid.

1365
01:27:39,109 --> 01:27:42,821
He'd have laughed at everyone turning up
for his party except for him.

1366
01:27:42,904 --> 01:27:44,740
He'd have laughed at the authorities

1367
01:27:44,823 --> 01:27:47,367
trying to find
the relevant form to fill in...

1368
01:27:47,451 --> 01:27:48,785
(LAUGHTER)

1369
01:27:48,869 --> 01:27:53,623
He'd certainly have laughed at
Margaret's starring role on YouTube.

1370
01:27:53,707 --> 01:27:58,420
4,458,207 hits at last count.

1371
01:28:00,088 --> 01:28:02,424
- Three of them mine.
- (LAUGHTER)

1372
01:28:04,843 --> 01:28:08,430
And me, he'd have laughed at me.
A lot.

1373
01:28:08,513 --> 01:28:10,390
And my main regret,

1374
01:28:10,474 --> 01:28:12,642
apart from not having
a bit more time with Dad,

1375
01:28:12,726 --> 01:28:17,272
is that he couldn't see us all
running around like idiots.

1376
01:28:19,149 --> 01:28:22,027
I'm sure many of you believe
that he can see us,

1377
01:28:22,110 --> 01:28:25,489
but for my part, I think death is it.

1378
01:28:25,572 --> 01:28:28,909
I, er, I think life...

1379
01:28:30,202 --> 01:28:34,498
This life is all you get,
and Gordie McLeod had a hell of a life,

1380
01:28:34,581 --> 01:28:39,085
and so should we
cos that's all death is good for.

1381
01:28:39,169 --> 01:28:41,421
It's to give us a kick up the arse

1382
01:28:41,505 --> 01:28:43,924
and say, "Get on with it,
and love those around you."

1383
01:28:45,634 --> 01:28:51,932
And... and now my wonderful son,
Kenneth, is gonna play something.

1384
01:28:55,393 --> 01:28:57,562
(PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE)

1385
01:28:57,646 --> 01:29:00,148
No, no. Play something he'd like.

1386
01:29:01,525 --> 01:29:03,610
Go mental.

1387
01:29:05,111 --> 01:29:06,905
(PLAYS UPBEAT FOLK TUNE)

1388
01:29:11,660 --> 01:29:13,662
(BAND JOINS IN)

1389
01:29:22,170 --> 01:29:23,755
(GAVIN WHOOPS)

1390
01:29:58,373 --> 01:30:00,458
(TUNE ENDS)

1391
01:30:03,628 --> 01:30:05,797
He lives in that
and then he walks around in it.

1392
01:30:05,881 --> 01:30:08,258
That keeps his back end all safe.

1393
01:30:08,341 --> 01:30:11,177
- So he doesn't show his bottom?
- Exactly.

1394
01:30:11,261 --> 01:30:12,679
He keeps it in a shell.

1395
01:30:12,762 --> 01:30:15,056
JESS: Can we do that
with a large shell?

1396
01:30:15,140 --> 01:30:17,934
Listen, kids, we, erm...

1397
01:30:18,018 --> 01:30:22,522
Dad and me, we just wanted to...
to say something.

1398
01:30:22,606 --> 01:30:25,066
We know that
we've not behaved very well recently

1399
01:30:25,150 --> 01:30:30,238
and, er... well, we just
wanted to say sorry.

1400
01:30:30,322 --> 01:30:31,406
DOUG: That's right.

1401
01:30:31,489 --> 01:30:35,452
And, erm,
while we'll still be living apart,

1402
01:30:35,535 --> 01:30:38,830
in different... different houses,

1403
01:30:38,914 --> 01:30:44,210
we, er... from now on,
we're going to behave like grown-ups.

1404
01:30:46,338 --> 01:30:49,132
(YELLS)

1405
01:30:49,215 --> 01:30:50,467
(ALL LAUGH)

1406
01:30:50,550 --> 01:30:51,885
Inappropriate behaviour!

1407
01:30:52,010 --> 01:30:55,347
- Lottie, write that down in your book.
- I've chucked the book away.

1408
01:30:57,891 --> 01:30:59,935
I don't think I'll need it any more.

1409
01:31:02,854 --> 01:31:05,148
(SHRIEKS)

1410
01:31:14,199 --> 01:31:16,117
Get him!

1411
01:31:22,540 --> 01:31:25,335
ABI: Get him. Get Dad! Get Dad!

1412
01:31:25,418 --> 01:34:43,903
DOUG: Come on, then!