Does it talk?
Ooh! God.
Innit good? Yeah.
Look.
Go careful.
Oh, bloody... I'm still getting the hang of it, though.
You are. What...?
Oh! What have you got it for?
Huh? Oh...
This programme contains strong language, adult humour,
scenes of nudity and some scenes of a sexual nature
Oh, God, Lee. Say hello to Jenny.
Hello! Oh, oh, oh!
# In a perfect world... #
THEY GASP No!Here we go.
They've got him. Oh!
What are you doing?!
Oh, she's a chicken nugget! THEY LAUGH
Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
Honk-honk!
What? Oh, kiss! Ooh, that's a bit forward.
This is raunchy, innit?
Bring on the dilfs!
Yes!
Who's in for the finger this week, innit?
Oh! Oh!
It's so bad it's actually good. It's actually good.
What just happened?
Siri, call Ofcom.
In the year there were some big election results
on both sides of the pond, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Nadiya was clearing out her fridge on BBC Two.
We waste over four million potatoes every single day in the UK.
So next, a nifty recipe to make the most of those final few spuds.
Potatoes are so good, like.
Let's just think about potatoes.
You get a roast potato, a hash brown, a chip,
fries - if we're going there - mashed potatoes.
Them like new potatoes.
Dauphinoise potatoes.
Loads of different potatoes.
They're just multi-talented food that...
They bring so much to the table.
Scalloped. Scalloped. Scalloped!
Ooh, scallopeds are naughty! Scallopeds.
I love a scalloped. Yeah.
The big guns of Bondi were busy as ever on E4.
Do you want to give me a few serious vibes?
Yeah, doesn't give a shit! Phew!
Getting hot in here. Oh, yeah. That looks great.
Do you know what it looks like?
He looks like me when I used to get my eyebrows done.
In the single days. When I was single
and I used to get my eyebrows threaded.
You getting your eyebrows waxed at the nail salon!
So stupid!
They looked terrible!
I looked like an absolute dickhead.
Everybody - "They look great!"
And Disney's steamy bonkbuster had us hot under the collar again.
You see, he's giving off a lot of magnetic force, Giles.
He's wearing...
..Old Spice, Mary.
No, he is not. He's too... I bet you he's wearing Old Spice.
He's too up-market for that.
Eau de Cologne?
Probably nothing. He's just giving off man juices.
Ew!
In Leeds...
I think I've out-cheesed myself. Out-cheesed yourself?
And coming from me, that's a bold statement.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
Cos normally what I'll do with the cauliflower cheese is use
the extra mature cheddar in the sauce... Ooh!
..extra mature and parmesan,
and maybe a bit of red Leicester, summat like that.
So I made it, went whole hog,
whole bag of extra mature cheddar in the cheese sauce.
Tasted it - nearly blew my own head off.
Could stand my whisk in it, it were that thick! Oh-ho!
I even had to put a bit more milk in cos I thought...
Bit too cheesy, this. Bit too cheesy, this.
Ooh, I can't wait to taste it.
Never did I think I would utter the words "bit too cheesy"!
In September, the ballroom bonanza was back
as the celebs took to the floor for the first time.
Oh, don't spill it on me!
HUMS STRICTLY THEME
We love a bit of Strictly in this house!
We do, we do! SHAUN HUMS STRICTLY THEME
Some more than others.
I'm excited!
Oh, it's Chris. Oh, I like old Chris.
This has got to be a first for Strictly because he's blind, Ron.
Yeah. He can't see.
I'm going to be honest, I'm shocked Strictly's back on!
Well, this will just be pleasantly...bland.
Dancing the cha-cha, Chris McCausland and Dianne Buswell.
Come on, Chris!
The cha-cha? That's the one that goes like this, innit?
You say every dance goes like that. I'm yet to see one that does.
BAND PLAYS TWIST AND SHOUT
Oh, it's the Beatles!
I mean, a Scouser, you know, dancing to the Beatles.
That's like us, you know, dancing to one of the Nolan numbers.
Exactly. I'm In The Mood For Dancing. Am I!
Oh, he's jiving his hips, look!
Getting a bit of hip movement in there. He's warming up.
He's warming up, the lad.
# Shake it up, baby, now
# Shake it up, baby
BOTH: # Twist and shout! #
Go on, Chris! Look at that.
You wouldn't know he was blind there, would you?
He's only walked with her.
# Twist and shout Twist and shout
# Come on, come on, come on, come on... #
It's proper dad dancing at a christening, in't it?
Come on! That's how you dance.
# Work it on out
# You know you look so good
# Look so good... #
He's not bad, is he?
He's not bad at all.
I suppose if you've got rhythm, you've got rhythm, haven't you?
Yeah, that's it.
He is a bit wooden, though.
It's week one, you've got to give him credit.
He's very good for week one.
Oh, a bit of leg guitar!
Wants to be careful if he's strumming the wrong bit!
There's only so many scandals you can have
before they shut the door.
# Ah!
HIGHER: # Ah! #
Fucking hell, I'm out of breath!
# Ah! #
Woo!
Oh, and a knee slide!
I think he overcooked that a little bit there. Yeah.
He's nearly on his arse, bless him.
# Twist and shout
# Come on, come on, come on... #
Do you know what, how she's guiding him is actually seamless.
Yeah. You wouldn't even notice.
# Ah! #
Oh, no, that wasn't very good. That looked like
he was dragging her out of a burning building, that last bit.
No, that's unreal! Windmills!
Not going to lie, if I was Chris's age,
he'd be looking real hot right now.
CHEERING
Yes! Well done.
I think he could have done better. SHE SIGHS
It's kind of crazy to feel that, you know, there's all this toxic
atmosphere in the background when it's so cheerful. So jovial.
Good for Chris, Mary.
Clearly having the time of his life.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Why are you looking at me like that, Mary. I was just wondering
why you were saying that as if you were a robot.
MONOTONE: Clearly having the time of his life.
Yeah, yeah. Clearly having... Just... Can you be yourself, Giles?
Clearly having the time of his life. Who are you...
Who are you channelling?
Clearly having the time of his life. Oh!
In Caerphilly...
I got to be honest, though, Shirl, you're a hard customer to please.
What, food? Yeah.
Well, I like it done nice, yeah.
..Dave and his wife, Shirley.
But I've seen you leave a whole plate of food
because they've put a piece of...a thing of rice, a little container...
Yeah, well, I didn't ask for rice, so.
Yeah, but it hasn't actually... I don't like rice.
..contaminated the rest of the food, has it?
Well, yes, on my plate.
I don't like salad or rice, and if somebody puts that...
If I say that's all I want is steak and chips,
I don't want any other shit with it.
"Shit"? Yeah. But when they bring it back,
you go like that, don't you? "Dave, look. Look at that shit."
"I told them I didn't want this shit!"
A few months ago, strangers were getting hitched again on E4.
You could not ask for more than to sit on a cold night in September
at 9pm and watch two strangers get married. Mm.
I couldn't ask for more. Yeah.
This is my jam.
You've been waiting for this, innit, Twaine.
Listen, this is the only drama that I accept in my life.
What would you do if I went on MAFS and you was watching me on it?
That would be hilarious. I don't know if I could take it seriously.
Why? Why not? Is my love life a joke?
Yeah!
My dress sense is outgoing, bright and fun.
She's having a good time in that bedroom on her own, isn't she?
Just like me, what you see is what you get.
We've got a live wire on our hands here.
She's bubbly, in't she? She's full of life.
I am a qualified level two animal reiki practitioner.
How many levels are there to animal reiki practitioning?
What college is that from?
It's tranquil, it's calm, it's peace.
Everything I'm not.
HE MIMICS LAUGH
She seems like really good fun. Yeah, she seems like a nice girl.
Yeah, I'd like to be her friend.
I like a guy who is adventurous...
Oh-ho! Well, here he is.
So that's her match. Well, he's out in the sticks.
Fun. Everything that I am.
Oh! Loves animals.
OK, this guy might be the perfect match.
What, just because he's stroking a chicken? Yeah.
Absolutely love music, I've got a piano.
He plays the piano, amazing.
Kieran's got a bit of fizz about him, hasn't he? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think this could be fun.
I hope there's a female version of me out there.
Under 5' 6.
Good things come...
BOTH: ..in small packages!
Oh, shit, wedding day. Let's go.
See, even the names go together,
Kristina and Kieran, don't they? Yeah.
I'm well invested in these two.
So I just want your advice on something.
Go on.
Cos if I do this thing at the wedding it's either going
to go really well or I'm going to be divorced straight away.
Oh, God.
Don't do it. Immediately just don't bother.
If it could go either way, don't do it because at the end
of the day you don't know this person and it's your wedding. Yeah,
exactly. Yeah.
GASPS No!
Oh, no way.
No! Comedy teeth!
Oh, yeah, man. No, mate.
Are you actually?
Wye aye. I love them, me.
Oh, I love him!
No, not at your wedding, mate. Not at your wedding.
I think it'll be absolutely hilarious
and I'll be able to know if she's got a good sense of humour or not.
Fucking hell. I hope this blows up in his face.
Oh, I can't wait to see her reaction.
I bet he does it. He's full of it.
Oh, he's not gone for it. He's just gone for the Turkeys.
CHEERING Do it!
Good lad. He's going for it. Unreal.
Kieran, take 'em out. Please take 'em out.
Leave 'em in! Sh! Leave 'em in!
Take 'em out! You're shitting me!
Honest to God, take 'em out.
He's sat there like a guinea pig.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh-ho-ho!
You all right?
You OK?
Oh, look!
She's like, "Wow, look at that."
What's your name?
She can't even speak. She can't even speak!
Oh, my! She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to do!
Oh, you look petrified!
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
Do you know what? I love that.
Right, take the second set of jokies out.
Fucking hell, they're worse than the first set!
Put them back in!
You looked so...
I'm so sorry.
Look, she liked it. She liked it and it's broken the ice.
Aw, it worked. It did work. The gambit paid off, man.
That was risky, that was. Yeah, that was.
I'm invested. You're invested. I'm invested now.
If this goes to shit, I'm going to be fuming. I know.
Kieran and Kristina, it's got to last.
In Hull...
Jenny, I'm not being funny, but when we were stood outside...
I know. ..this side of your face is, like, glistening.
Like, I'm going to start calling you Nanny - Nanny Goat.
Yeah, I know.
..best friends, Jenny and Lee.
You've got two down there. It's like...
Are they curling?
Ooh, bloody hell!
I know. Exactly. Oh, look at that, Lee.
Oh, don't! That's how long it... Oh, it's really long.
I know! Is it off my chest?!
Oh, God!
I know, it's massive. Oh, look at it!
Hey, measure it.
Look at that.
Oh, and it's still going!
Oh, oh!
In the autumn, it was all about the boxes on ITV1.
Are you feeling lucky today, Ron?
You'd have to do some serious manifestation
before Deal Or No Deal. Yeah.
What's for me will not go by me. Yeah. No, wait.
I do not chase, I attract. Yeah.
Everything that's for me will come to me.
Decent size muffin, that, in't it?
And fig rolls? Yeah.
Doesn't it just remind you of being at school, though,
Deal Or No Deal, and getting in after school and watching it?
Having a packet of cheese and onion crisps and a caramel.
It doesn't require any level of intelligence, does it, really?
Are you having a dig? No, no, no!
What are you trying to say?
You cheeky cow.
In the programme, a shiny Stephen Mulhern
welcomed Myles to the hot seat.
How are we doing? I'm good, thanks, buddy. How are you? Good to see you.
This is my 21st episode now.
It's his 21st episode! Oh!
He's due a go, then, is Myles.
Bit like being a bridesmaid 21 times and finally he's the bride.
Good luck, Myles. Come on, everybody,
give him lots of encouragement.
Box 17 he's got, then. Oh, that's not a bad number.
17. What's the difference between 1 to 21?
Oh... Why is that not a bad number?
Have you got a bad number? Yeah, I have.
Gemma, straight over to you with Box 15, please, my love.
Here we go. You want it on the blue side, not the red.
Start in style, and make it a lovely blue.
No pressure.
Oh, I've got a horrible feeling already. Oh, Simon.
Come on, a blue.
Oh! No!
Oh, God. Oh, you'd be ill, wouldn't you?
The first box, 75 big ones.
Gutted. Come on, Myles. You can do this.
Time for a blue, isn't it? It is time for a blue.
We need a blue. Come on.
And Claire, number two, you're going to be the person to deliver it.
I really hope so. I didn't get to be your neighbour for long
but I loved being your neighbour.
THEY LAUGH
They do make me laugh with all this emotional bullshit. Yeah.
You're opening boxes!
Fuck me.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
He's having a run of bad luck, Mary.
Paula, 16, come on.
Let's go. Get it open. Right, OK, Smiley Myley,
I do think this is a blue.
For the odds, it's got to be a blue, surely. Yeah, please be a blue.
And with me psychic vibes...
Oh, she's definitely got a red.
There's always someone, in't there? Who's got a psychic vibe, yeah.
I think it's a penny. A penny!
Her psychic vibes are telling her it's going to be a penny.
No. I've got a bad feeling about this, Paula.
ALL GASP
Oh! Oh, you bleeding...! Bloody hell.
100 grand! Bloody hell.
She were only £999,999.99 out.
Easy mistake to make, Pedro.
Paula, you were wrong, pet.
A bit later, with nine boxes left,
Myles was hoping his luck would change.
Don't even think about it. Don't even think about it. You know what?
John. Right, penny. Penny!
All we do not want to see at this moment in time is that £50,000.
Surely to God.
I bet it's 50,000.
So, there's only two reds to go, so surely by the law of averages
this has got to be a blue. 7-2, innit? 7-2 blue.
Keep him in the game, John. Come on, John. It's 50 grand.
Hope it's a good one for you.
Come on, come on.
There's only two reds left.
THEY SHOUT
Oh! No!
Oh, this is terrible.
Somebody needs to start a Go Fund Me for Myles.
Deal or no deal? Right at the end, with two boxes left,
Myles was still smiling.
This is it, Myles. Crunch time.
Literally.
Oh... It's going to be a quid.
It's going to be a quid.
Oh, please. Come on, Myles! A quid!
Don't be cruel.
Oh! SIMON CHUCKLES
Please let it be £50!
Oh, come on. Come on, Myles.
Please be kind.
BOTH: Oh, no!
Yeah! HE LAUGHS
Oh!
That isn't even going to cover his bus fare. No!
APPLAUSE It is what it is.
He wants to watch himself crossing the road tonight.
Yeah. I tell you now, eh?
Cos there's no luck on his side, is there? No, exactly.
Do you know what he wants to be doing with that pound that he's won?
Going and putting the lottery on. Invest it.
In crypto.
So then you'll have minus £10.
In Manchester...
You know how we met up on Saturday, me and my knit group?
Oh, yeah, the knit group. Yeah.
We only got chucked out of the cafe.
What did you do?
Nothing. We were just sat knitting, having a...having a coffee.
..Alison, her husband, George, and her daughter, Helena.
Were you like, "20 of your finest tap waters, please."
It wasn't even tap water.
I had a latte
and Jane had a...something.
How long did you have that latte for? About five hours?
Might be. Can't do that.
I couldn't eat anything cos I'd forgotten my chewing teeth, right?
Mm.
HELENA LAUGHS Jane had...
Jane had done a community breakfast, so she was full.
So that was like...
That was three drinks and one wrap.
And you know what I think swung it?
I think he's got something against knitters.
In October, a couple of likely lads were off on a voyage
of self-discovery on U&Dave.
Will Mellor and Ralf Little, yeah.
I've been looking forward to this.
I like them, you know? I can't get enough Will Mellor in my life.
I think they've been friends for 20 years,
since they met on Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps... Yes.
..which we've never watched even one episode of.
But I'm sure it was good at the time.
It must be good, it's on every night on, you know, old telly.
It's there.
HE SCREAMS
This is Will.
I have no idea who that is.
And this is Ralf.
I think Ralf Little has got better with age as well.
Mm. It happens to some fellas. Yeah.
WILL: We might look like middle-aged blokes...
And we are.
RALF: ..but really, we're just a pair of massive...
Bellends.
THEY LAUGH
..kids. Oh, kids.
It's there.
Will or Ralf?
I think I'd marry Ralf and then have a roll in the hay with Will. Mm.
You'd have a shag in the boathouse with Will. Yes.
We are going to military hostile environment training.
That doesn't sound good at all.
Oh, I'd love to do that.
Would you? Really? Yeah! Yeah, go to...
Well, OK, I don't know what they're going to do exactly, but in my head,
they're going to go around and shoot loads of stuff.
I've done walking marathons before.
Walking? Yeah. You think that's the same as military training?
No, but I'm getting there.
And it was for charity.
Hostile environment training is a serious military training exercise
that teaches you coping strategies for stressful situations
such as combat zones or kidnappings.
I need this to deal with you. You're a hostile environment.
How much are you thinking you'd love it now?
I've gone off the idea. Yeah, yeah, I thought you might.
Listen, whatever happens, I've got you.
We're getting paid.
SOPHIE LAUGHS
What is that? What's what?
Oh, shit, is it happening already?
What? What? What?
That's a roadblock. With people with guns.
No, it's not. Yes, it is. Oh, shit.
Oh-oh. Oh-oh, it's started, Steve. Yeah. It's started. A roadblock.
I need to see some IDs from yourselves, OK?
Yeah, can I get a vehicle index check?
I feel like this lot are retired
and they're just doing a bit of cosplay. Yeah.
You know, he probably does Father Christmas.
At the garden centre.
If you'd like to keep your hands where we can see them, please. Yeah.
BOTH: Oh!
Nah, nah, nah. Amani, you would actually punch him.
Nah. That would piss me off.
Watch my foundation!
I know, I'd be like, "Bloody hell, these eyelashes are fresh."
You're quiet in the passenger seat, what's going on?
Well, this... Stop. Take him out and search him.
Trousers off.
You know what this is like? This is like the start of a porno.
Terrorist attack, we've got two guys we don't recognise,
you're obviously not from here.
Two guys we don't recognise,
that will have kicked them straight in the... Yeah!
..in the python.
THEY SHOUT
What's he got in his hand?
What is it? Detonator!
Oh, he's got a detonator.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Get your fucking hands in the air!
Oh!
Oh! Oh, shit. I was not expecting that.
Get your head down, on your knees!
Oh, I wouldn't like this.
SHOUTING He did it.
Kill him!
Kill him! Kill him?
What? That's a bit mad, innit?
Keep your head still!
They're getting bags on their head!
Where's Will defending Ralf?
THEY LAUGH
I'm going nowhere. "I'll look after you, Ralf, don't worry."
Oh, he's just shot him.
Did they just shoot him?
No! Pretend shoot him? Yes.
Stay still! Stay down.
I didn't realise you'd fucking actually do it.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
They've killed him! Don't be so stupid!
He didn't realise. "I didn't realise you'd actually do it!"
Get that body in the boot. Fucking move!
They've just shot Ralf.
Get it in! Stay still.
Get in. Get him in! Put your head in. Put your...
Oh, he's in. Poor Ralf! THEY LAUGH
Oh, Ralf is playing it well.
Considering he's dead, the fact that he's managed to fold himself
into that boot's fantastic.
Back in! Head forward, head forward!
Go, go, go! Stay there! Move! Go! Go, go, go!
Oh, they're pissing off.
What's going on? Yeah, what's going on here?
Does he know they've ran away?
Now what?
RALF: About 27 minutes went past.
Oh, you are joking. Geez!
How long would you wait, though? Oh, you'd leave me forever.
You'd have caught the next bus home, you!
He's creeping!
Mate, it's me. You all right?
Did he really stay in there with that over his head?
I don't believe that. I'd have took that off
the minute they closed the lid!
GUNFIRE Fucking hell!
Oi-yoi-yoi!
Fuck off!
THEY LAUGH
Will went to go put the bag back on his head!
I've actually been in a boot before. Have you?
Yeah, I'm hardcore like that, yeah.
Yeah, I took one for the team because there wasn't enough space
in the car and as the tallest one, I said to them,
"Guys, don't worry, I'll get in the boot."
And I was in there for like 30 minutes,
we're going over speed bumps and everything.
Banging my head the whole time. Yeah.
Back and forth. Yeah.
So I took one for the team, so you can rely on me.
Yeah. In a hostile environment, I'm the one you go to. Yeah.
You can be in the boot! I'll be in the boot, mate.
Balaclava and all.
In Blackpool...
Hey, Soph? What? Took the old three-wheel van out
for a little spin the other day. Happy day.
Just so I could listen to my new cassettes. Yeah.
..Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
In fact, that reminds me, I was in the shop around the corner. Yeah.
And a woman comes up to me and she said,
"Oh, has your Pete got a three-wheel van?"
I said, "Yeah, yeah, he has."
And she went, "He's a knob, ain't he?"
Cheeky cow!
I hope you stuck up for me.
I just said yeah.
In September there were more mid-morning matters
keeping us entertained on ITV1.
Here you are, Friday morning. Croissant.
There you are, instead of your cereal, have a croissant.
Oh, lovely.
You're going to be watching This Morning every day
when your maternity starts.
You're going to start going crazy again, like you did last time.
Is it Dermot and Alison on a Friday? Yes, it is.
Now, it's one of Britain's oldest and most bizarre traditions...
Right. What's this?
..dating back to 2067.
Sorry?!
2067? It's only 2024 now!
1267. 2067 hasn't happened yet. What did I say?
You said 2067! Did I?
Yeah! You did, Alison.
Can somebody get Alison a coffee?
She's half asleep.
The Gurning World Championships kicks off this weekend!
I love gurning.
Gurning's like that, isn't it?
You want to go in a few nightclubs around here, fucking disgusting!
Got a competition on in them.
Joined by two of the best in the biz - 18-time champion
Tommy Mattinson, and seven-time champion Claire Lister.
They don't look like gurners, do they? No.
Explain where the origins of this is, cos it's a...
Crab apple fair. Right.
Ooh, the crab apple fair.
What's an apple got to do with gurning?
The story goes that somebody bit the crab apple, it's a very sour apple.
Oh, right.
So I suppose it made you, like...
Pull a face when you bit into one. Mm.
You know like if you eat a piece of lemon, you're like, "Ooh"? Yeah.
That's it, isn't it?
You're the eighth world champion. No, I've won it 18 times. 18?!
Fucking hell. "You're not very good with your figures today,
"are you, Alison? Wake up, my love. 18, I've won it."
You know what I'd win on? What? Resting bitch face.
Oh, yeah, you've got plenty of that.
My father was a world champion, he won it ten times.
So it runs in their family. Of pulling funny faces?
We ain't got nothing that follows on... I thought you had,
I thought you had shoplifting!
OK, will you show us some of your favourite faces?
Oh, can't wait for this!
Will you show us the wolf?
The wolf?! Oh, they have different names for them.
OK, so, here we go.
GROWLING
Why is he making that noise?
What's he sniffing at?
GRUNTING
Oh, Ronnie!
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
That's so good.
What's happened to his face?
Look at his nose! His nose is bent!
He's totally changed, hasn't he?
GRUNTING That is so good!
And it's the sounds as well.
SHE GRUNTS
SHE LAUGHS
GRUNTING
Oh, yeah, you can get there, Anne.
You look so different. Go on, Claire...
Let's go, Claire, do it for the ladies.
LAUGHTER Wow!Love it!Yes!
Oh!
SHE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
I think it's with the eyes crossed...
Do it with your eyes half shut.
That's it.
That's a lovely face, Mary.
In South East London...
Who's... Who's that? Get that.
Oh... Bloody hell.
You know who it'll be - someone trying to sell us something. Quick!
..Sue and her husband, Steve.
There you are. Oh, you...
Oh, it's gone now.
With the, uh... What's that number?
Oh, it's out of area.
It's me mother.
Oh. Just as well I didn't answer, then, eh?
In May, a controversial subject was making the headlines on ITV.
Are you having butter and cheese?
No, I'm about to have a "snaccident"!
I've just ordered me lunch.
I shouldn't even be having any of this.
I've gone for a double burger.
Double burger?!
I know! And it's only dinner time.
This is the ITV lunchtime news.
Oh, look, it's my favourite, Mary.
What? Lucrezia.
Lucrezia Millarini.
Good afternoon.
Ooh! She's gone lighter at the ends, like me.
She's had a few balayage pieces put in.
She's not as dark, is she? Suits her.
Finally this lunchtime -
how our continental cousins are calling in their chips.
Must be a slow news day.
A new poll suggests French fries
are now more popular here in Britain than the chunky alternatives.
What?!
This is one of the reasons why we left the EU.
So shit like this wouldn't happen.
But it's happened anyway. Yeah.
I must admit, I do like fries.
I like French fries. No, I don't like chunky chips.
Yeah, I like both.
Their greasy nature and tendency to go soggy
have been blamed for their fall from favour.
Do you know what? I don't even mind a soggy chip.
Yeah. I like soggy chips. Love a soggy chip.
But at one fish bar we visited today,
the old favourites remain king.
Well, I should bloody hope so.
Unapologetically carb heavy and calorific.
And delicious. They've missed that bit.
All that needs there now, for me, is wrapping
in a bit of newspaper with salt and vinegar.
Living the dream.
Chunky chips. A favourite British classic.
Oh, they look good.
They look good.
You cannot beat a chunky chip.
If you're going to have a chip, it's got to be worth having.
Yes. Decent size.
And I do like a little bit of curry sauce to dip it in.
Apparently, these chunky chips have been replaced
as the nation's favourite by their much skinnier rival, the French fry.
Not by me, Sangeeta.
Does it not depend on what you're eating
if you have a chunky chip or a thin chip?
Oh, here we go. "Catering college."
If you're having fish and chips, you've got to have those chips.
But if you're having a burger,
you've got to have the French fries.
I mean, there's chips for different things.
Is this chip etiquette we're talking about here?
Well, it's just, you can't have French fries with a piece of cod.
Why not? No!
But some people have got a chip on their shoulder about it.
This is real journalism. This is what we need.
People on the front line eating chips.
No, definitely not, old-fashioned chips
from a chip shop like that, still the best.
BOTH: Yay!
Thank you.
Absolutely.
He's livid. I don't blame him.
I think it's complete rubbish.
Because they're slightly larger, you get more texture in the middle
rather than just being crispy. And then nothing.
There is a place for the French fry,
but definitely not in the chip shop. No. No.
That's taking liberties, that is. That is.
The survey of 2,000 Brits was conducted
by French restaurant chain Cote Brasserie.
Course it's been conducted by a French chain that only sells
fucking chippy fucking French chips.
I've never been to Cote Brasserie
and I wouldn't waste my bloody time.
They say "62% of people in Britain
"prefer our French chip counterpart to the chunky version."
No, don't believe that. Who have they been speaking to?
I want names and addresses. This is wrong.
Has the votes been verified by an independent adjudicator?
Have they balls!
But in any case, Brits apparently eat chips or fries
on average three times a week.
Huh? Do they really?
Not round my house. It's seven times a week.
So the poll shows we are still partial to the potato -
whatever way it's shaped.
Oh, look!
That's me. I'm partial to a potato - whatever way it's shaped.
And I am potato shaped.
Do you know what I would say we do -
at the next general election,
give a second ballot paper just to solve this! Yeah.
Because it's disgusting the way we've been hung out to dry.
In Surrey...
I've noticed this thing going around town, Jane,
cos I'm on my mobility scooter,
and when I'm trying to cross the road,
sometimes people stop in the middle. I mean, they shouldn't stop.
It's not like a proper crossing.
And they'll stop and they'll just let me go because I'm on a scooter.
..Simon and his sister, Jane.
It's the motorcycle people, I've noticed.
And because a car will flash you or do that.
But they can't. They've got to hold on.
So these motorbike people, every time I do it, they go...
"Oh, you're getting me across!"
Three times this week, they've...
With their full helmet on?
Yeah, the whole helmet goes...
But they've got a way of doing it. It's like a little flick,
like you're flicking your hair and it really makes me laugh.
I have to be careful. I'm like, thank you.
It's weird, innit?
All right.
Earlier in the year, pulses were racing again on Netflix.
I do like a bit of Bridgie.
So, last episode, Penelope and Colin shared a kiss.
Are they putting this shite on again, this Bridgerton? Jesus!
You love it!
Oh, it's Penelope.
She's just getting over that big smackarooney.
Colin. Thank you for meeting me.
I apologise for the late hour, but I had to see you immediately.
Oh, why?
What is it?
I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss.
I've not been able to sleep.
I know, my sleeping is terrible as well at the minute.
I-I can barely speak these days.
SHE SQUEALS
He can't eat. He can't sleep.
Says it all, doesn't it? He's smitten.
You occupy my every thought.
WHISPERS: Why are they talking like that?
They're confessing to each other! No way. There's no way!
Goo-ah! They're canoodling!
Up against the wall, Simon.
Colin.
Colin!
Oh, shit.
Jesus! That escalated!
Oh, he was fucking dreaming.
Oh, my God. His mind's racing with the thought of their kiss.
Oh, blinkin' heck! Got us all excited there for nothing.
A bit later, Penelope found herself
in the arms of another eligible bachelor at a fancy party.
Is everything all right, Miss Featherington?
Everything is wonderful.
Oh, so Debling might propose to Penelope tonight.
Yeah.
She wants Colin. Why settle for second best?
Because she doesn't think she's going to get Colin.
May I ask you a question, my lord? Anything.
Why am I sat on the edge of my fucking seat for this?
Do you imagine that, with time,
love may one day grow?
Oh, well, that's the question. Huh.
Oh, she wants love.
I do not know.
To be honest, my work has such a large portion of my heart,
it may be difficult to make more space.
That's a red flag.
"I don't know if I'll ever love you."
COLIN: Do you mind if I interrupt? It should only take a moment.
Oh, Colin. Yes. Break it up.
Can I have an "excuse me"?
It appears you two have something to resolve.
Oh. Ohhhh, they definitely do, I'll tell you.
Colin, you're going to ruin things between me and Debling.
Well, perhaps, that is for the best. What do you mean?
Oh. She's fuming! Our Pen's fuming.
You cannot marry him. You hardly know him.
Why not? You don't want to marry her, Colin, do you?
I said I would help you find a husband,
but I cannot stand by and watch you make a mistake.
Oh. Debling's going. Oh, he's stomping off now.
The only mistake was me ever asking for your help in the first place.
Oh. Oh.
Are you just going to let her go, Colin?
Taxi!
COLIN: Wait!
Oh, hello. Oh! Oh! Hang on.
Penelope... Yes!
If he's faster than a horse, then she needs to marry him.
I do not wish to speak with you. Yes, you do!
Let me in. "I love you!
"I had a naughty dream about you and I can't think of anything else."
We will stop at Bridgerton House first.
Right, Colin, now tell her.
What do you want? "You, you daft sod!"
Did Lord Debling propose? What's it got to do with you, Colin?
Why am I sat on the edge of my seat again with this?
I don't know. Sh!
He will leave you, and he is too particular.
And he is... He is... Not me!
Yeah, that's what he wants to say.
"He's not me."
"You want me, Penelope!"
What if I did have feelings for you?
About time, Colin. Oh, crikey Moses. I know, it took him...
It's taken a while. I know.
It is everything I have wanted to say to you for weeks.
Oh, he's admitted it. He's admitted it!
Admitted it, man.
THEY PANT
Ah!
I love it!
This is very Mills and Boon, isn't it? Very.
This is filth on wheels.
This is raunchy, innit?
See, that's the trouble with Bridgerton.
It starts off as a little kiss and now it goes to porn, Simon.
Porn!
He's kissing her tits!
Ha-ha!
Not bosom-handling! Yes.
Ah! Argh!
He's going south!
"Yep. Ravish me."
Not on the first date!
Hey, hey! I don't think they did that in them days, did they?
Well, I hope she's got her going-out knickers on.
"Colin!"
Ohhhh!
SHE GASPS
Oh, God. I was really into it.
And now I'm sitting there watching it with you.
Oh! Somebody really knocking on the window.
Oh, we're here, madame!
Colin. What? We're at your house.
Tell him to go round the block!
Could the carriage driver not keep on driving?
What's he saying? Could the carriage man keep on driving?
Yeah! Go on!
"Because me hand's stuck." Yeah.
Are you coming with me? Oh, he's inviting her in!
Your family will see me.
For God's sake, Penelope Featherington,
are you going to marry me or not?
Argh! Oh, my God, he proposed!
Well, that was jolly, wasn't it, Mary?
She's been fingered and proposed to in the same night.
What a night for Penelope. What a night!
In Wiltshire...
You've still got your own hips, haven't you, Mary?
Yes. And knees.
I'm afraid that jogging isn't that good for you.
Because people that jogged a lot
have got fake hips and knees now. Have they? Yes.
..Giles and his wife, Mary.
You said that you've got banana bosom, Mary.
I didn't. I said a woman risked banana bosom.
Banana bosom? Yes. Through running.
What is banana bosom?
You know perfectly well what it is, Charles.
Tell me again. It's when the poitrine...
The what?! Could you speak in English?
When your chest does not remain taut, you know...
OK. You know that.
And that's why, when I went to that trainer years ago,
he said, "Never run on a running machine.
"It's very bad for your bosom.
"Walk uphill fast instead." Right.
In October, Chef Nadiya was back on the BBC,
making something out of nothing.
The problem with watching this is
Nadiya's food looks a lot nicer than yours.
She does present it well, to be fair, doesn't she?
Dad would cook about once a month.
And it'd be like the most diabolically, like, nice meal. Yeah.
But it's only, like, once a month. But you are a better cook.
No, but compared...
Dad's like Ronaldo and you're like Messi.
If I see leftovers in the fridge, I'm like...
Like, not for me. Nah.
And if it's in the Tupperware already... Nah.
New meal. New meal, thank you.
I was so bad, but it's the truth.
We always make Dad eat the leftovers.
Yeah! Mum's always like, "That's Dad's."
Next, an absolutely brilliant gathering board
that's designed to share.
A gathering board? What the bloody hell is a gathering board?
We had to bring a board night for my 29th birthday, didn't we?
Yeah. That were good, that, weren't it?
Jess Wilson made that salami Christmas tree.
Ooh, yeah.
This beautiful breakfast is not only now
my favourite way to serve eggs...
Well, we love eggs.
Yeah, I like a poached egg. I like a fried egg. Yeah.
Give me a scrambled egg any time.
..it's also a great way to start off
someone's special day.
# In the summertime... #
I shall die. Is that...?
My party-perfect poached eggs
and cook once, eat twice creamy beetroot dip.
Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, I love beetroot, Ronnie.
I'm not even on the fence on this one. Eggs and beetroot.
That's a no.
# Life is for living... #
Poached eggs should be on toast. That is it. Yeah.
See, now you could do something
but not have that beetroot there, couldn't you?
And do... Egg.
My favourite way to eat an egg is poached.
I love a warm, runny yolk.
Can you make poached eggs?
Because they're the hardest eggs to make.
Well, I can, but sometimes I'll use six eggs
to get to the one egg that I'm going to eat.
I've tried loads. I've tried swirling it around
what people say... And then drop it in, yeah.
Put it in vinegar. Yeah.
Oh, I've had... Oh, I don't put vinegar.
I've had them in clingfilm.
Put them in there, burnt me fucking fingers.
I just can't do poached eggs.
First, get a pan of water on the hob
and one bowl for every single egg. Oh!
How much washing-up does she want to make?
You can tell she's got a dishwasher.
And then just drop them in.
OK.
We've been hitting it in the tornado blasters.
So she's just going to crack it right in there?
No, she's got that wrong. Yeah.
Should be swirly, swirly. Should be swirly, swirly.
Sorry, Mr Professional Chef over here.
Now for my third tip for poached-egg perfection.
A bowl of cold water, plus some ice cubes.
Oh, put them in iced water, innit?
Oh, let's be fair.
Who wants to be fannying about like this?
I bet it's Joseph Joseph, that, about £300.
Yeah, for an ice-cube tray.
It won't be the one that's come with the freezer.
Oh, God, no!
Now to build my breakfast board.
Why a board? Why a board?
I suppose she can't really afford to use any more plates
because they're all in the washing-up...
That's why it's on a board.
She's probably got that out of the garage.
This kind of beats having beans on toast, doesn't it?
No. No, no.
Don't slag off beans on toast.
Students for centuries have got by on beans on toast.
Not beetroot smoothie. No.
Remember, we eat with our eyes.
If somebody served you this, you'd be like, "Wow!"
It wouldn't be wow. No.
What have you done?
I want to add some texture.
So I've got pickled red cabbage.
Red cabbage. If she puts red cabbage, no, I'm out.
Red cabbage for breakfast?!
And wait for it...
What's she done? Now what's she putting on?
..a drizzle of honey.
Honey and eggs? Honey and eggs?
Oh, my days! Nadiya is a rule-breaker in the kitchen.
Like, you just don't know what to expect with her.
We like honey, don't we? Not on an egg, though.
Yes. Not on a bloody egg. No.
Best way to eat this is with warm, crispy buttered toast.
Thank you. Jeez, I did wonder. Oh!
Yeah. Warm, crispy, buttery toast.
Now we're talking!
Do you know what I'd rather have for breakfast?
A ciggie and I don't even smoke.
I think that this might be all right in London.
In a city where there's lots of different nationalities.
But you're not going to get some old Tory doing this, Nutty,
in the shires. Oh, you are. You're not. Yes, you are, Tubs.
A Tory's going to look at that and they're going to scream.
In Leeds...
You want to know why I went to Huddersfield Uni?
Do you know this story, actually?
No, we went to the same uni and I absolutely do not know.
..best friends Danielle and Daniella.
So I went to Huddersfield Uni
because Patrick Stewart was like the chairperson.
He was the Chancellor. Chancellor. Me too.
And I was a Star Trek fan.
And I was like, I'm going to meet him at my graduation.
I didn't meet him at my graduation.
I did! You met him? I had him at my graduation.
Oh! He wasn't at mine.
And he's the reason why I went to Huddersfield Uni.
Not because I was a Trekkie, just cos I love Patrick Stewart.
Oh! But he was at mine. I'm fuming!
Oh, you poor... I know!
And there was a Facebook group that was called,
"When I graduate, I'm going to lick Patrick Stewart's head."
So my tutor thought I set it up.
On an autumn night...
..more kids were meddling with their parents' love life
on ITV1.
Oh!
God, I can't imagine watching Mum or Dad date.
That would cringe me out to the bone.
That would be so cringe.
Just the thought of them being romantic in general...
Eugh, no, thank you. ..it's just making me ill.
# Baby, baby, when I look at you... #
I'm at the right age. But I don't have kids.
Could I borrow Max for the purposes of the show?
He'd probably prefer you on it than me on it.
So, yes. Good point. You probably could borrow Max.
My Mum, Your Uncle. Yeah.
In the programme, Davina had a surprise in store
for the middle-aged singletons.
DAVINA: I want to talk to you about something
that you haven't been aware of.
Oh. What's that?
And that is a secret room that you lot have not had access to.
Oh, it's not a love den, is it?
It's a red room.
I don't think it's a red room, Jenny.
It's called "the snug".
Sexy snug. Oh, the sexy snug.
It's just a really nice private space
for two of you to get to know each other better.
Oh, how disgusting!
Do you think it's got cameras in there?
Of course it's got cameras. Oh!
But... The kids don't know...
What don't the kids know? What don't the kids know?
You have the power to cut the feed to the kids' bunker.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, that means they can get jiggy.
So if they wanted to have a bit of, uh, quiet time.
You were just going to say sex, Shirl,
I don't know why you didn't say it.
The children chose...
..Danny.
Fantastic! BOTH: Ohhhh!
Lovely!
Jenny, would you like to come with me to the snug?
I'd love to. Oh, fantastic.
No, I would not want to be Jenny's son right now. Honestly.
Oh, I'll be saying, "My mum's not going in there.
"My bloody lovely mother's not going anywhere near the fucking snug!"
"Get your hands off my mother in that snug."
"She is a saint!" "You pig!"
Enjoy. Have a great time, both of you.
Oh, they're going now?!
Oh, right. Strike while the iron's hot!
They're going snogging in the snug.
Snogging in the snug. Eugh!
Could you imagine Mum snogging? Eugh!
# Crown you in my heart
# Your love is king
# Never need to part... #
It is sexy in there, isn't it?
That is a sexy, sexy room.
That's a shag pad if I've ever seen one.
Oh, I bet it smells like an Avon catalogue in there.
What's this?
"Switch me off?"
There's the switch!
"Switch me off." Look.
Are there any questions that you want to ask me
away from everyone?
Come on.
This is when you can get the juicy information out.
Yeah. This is your chance.
I want to know everything about you. Aw!
That's a good answer, isn't it? Yeah.
What's the matter? I don't know.
I don't know if I'm finding him cringey yet or if it's because...
Of course they're cringey.
So I went to an all-girls Catholic school.
Right.
When Malachi was young,
I started retraining to become a solicitor.
But the law conversion took two years.
Oh, no, Jenny.
Jenny, you're killing the vibe. Oh, Jesus.
You're killing the vibe. This is you!
Yeah, 1,000%.
And, um, worked for a financial adviser.
He's fidgeting! He's like...
It's actually a CV.
Became a PA.
And then I worked in HR for the Manchester Airport.
Oh, no.
He's wishing that switch
would fucking stop her talking now, isn't he?
Oh. Bless her.
She probably hasn't done this in a long time, isn't it? Mm.
What about you? What...?
Where do you want me to start? What do you want me to do?
Do you want my career history, much like yourself?
No, no, I didn't either. But thanks for letting me have it.
Daddy's got... She finds everything funny, man.
You've got amazing lips.
Here we go!
Yeah, he's putting the groundwork in now. Yeah.
I've been looking at your lips ever since we had that bowls match.
You've got the most incredible lips.
Ohhhhh! Oh, my God!
He likes her lips, mind, doesn't he?
Kiss them, then. Yeah, go on.
# Couldn't stand to be kept away... #
Here we go. Flick it, flick it, flick it.
Cut the feed, cut the feed. Come on!
Yay! Ohhh!
We get it, though.
No!
Malachi's face. Look at Malachi's face.
Oh, yes. You got a new daddy!
Every morning, I've woken up really excited
to come downstairs and see everybody.
They're still talking. No way, man!
You flipped the switch. What are you doing? Shut up. Kiss!
Now, I've been waking up every morning excited to find you.
Oh... I can't! Oh, that's so sweet.
He's just switched the camera off so that he can get all soppy.
Yeah.
What's that? What's that? That's a cute... That's a cute face.
Oh, she just went for it.
Yeah. Go on. Thank Jesus Christ.
That was a quick peck. Yeah, it was a peck. That's enough.
What else? Oh, I don't know.
Let's think of something to talk about quickly.
Argh!
Ohhhhh! Let's think of something to...bleurgh.
Well, it's been a very, very good evening.
Thank you very much for inviting me to the snug.
Oh! Is that it?
Cos the kids are going to be imagining a lot worse
than what actually happened as well. They are. They are.
Accidentally switch it back on.
It gets knocked back on! He's on all fours.
It gets knocked back on and he's like...
"Have they left us any choice?"
In North London...
I feel like I've been away for a whole week
and so many, so much around the house has changed.
Dad's gone and messed up the whole bathroom.
Yeah, a lot has happened.
..sisters Amira and Amani.
One thing about me is when I move out of my house,
everything's getting done by a professional.
I ain't calling Dad for nothing.
No DIY. No DIY!
When I said to him like, "Oh, yeah, I'm in...
"You know, I'm still looking for houses and stuff."
And then he was like, "Oh, yeah, when you move out,
"yeah, I'll come and fix up the place for you,
"whatever you need, anything need installing.
"I'll be there, don't worry."
And I said, "Dad..." "I'm all right."
"I'm OK, thank you. Put those tools to rest, please."
"RIP to your repair skills."
He used to be better before. He's just too old now.
Yeah, 100%.
In May, we partied along to another edition
of Europe's annual singing competition.
Are you ready for the Eurovision Song Contest, Simon?
Oh, Jane, every year, I wait for it and hope it passes.
It's the Eurovision final. I need a drink.
I thought you were dressed as a European man.
You look quite German. Why?
German? Why?
In the show, we were treated to
a special performance from Finland.
GRAHAM NORTON: You've seen quite a lot of male nudity already tonight.
Well, stand by for some more.
BOTH: Windows 95 Man.
My kind of man!
# Welcome
# My name is Vindows Vindows 95 Man
Oh, my goodness. Is that an egg, Mary?
# And the rule is...
# No rules!... #
No rules.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
# No rules!... #
What the hell?
He's coming out of an egg, Jane! Looks like it.
# Silence! I say... #
Has he got no trousers...?
He's got no trousers on.
Has he got any pants on?
# Watch me... #
I don't think he has!
Where the f... is his troosers?
# Is there something wrong with the way I look?
# Is there something wrong... #
Hey. Hello. I like it.
# Tell me why do I
# Look so beautiful tonight?
# No rules!... #
Oh!
No rules! No rules. Brilliant! No rules.
Welcome to Finland.
Did he say no balls?
No balls! Ha-ha-ha!
I thought he said no balls.
No balls. Fuck me!
No, you haven't neither.
# No rules... # No rules!
# It's how I live
# How I find the wind beneath... #
Look at his arse. He's got his bare arse out.
Oh, you stupid little man. What's he doing, Mary?
Trying to shock the audience.
# Let's go! No rules! #
The things they do with smoke machines these days.
I hope that's not dry ice.
# The other night With the thrill of the fight... #
The cameraman's hiding him.
That's a paid professional. Exactly.
Having to cover a man's cock with his camera!
They'd have to have a bigger camera
if it were me there with nowt on. GoPro.
You cheeky bastard!
# It's all I live for now... #
Oh, and somebody's hat.
Is this a...? It's a family show.
No, it's when you've got no talent, you just try to shock instead.
# If I'm not all right,
# Tell me why do I look so beautiful tonight?
# No rules! #
His pants have turned up!
Oh, finally.
Thank God, get the shorts on him, please.
# No rules!... #
What the fuck? Piro pants.
No wonder he's had to put his pants on for this.
He wouldn't want sparks on his meat and two veg.
# The wind beneath my wings... #
Whoa! He goes crazy.
Let's go! Woo!
You've got to admit, it's quite funny.
This guy's my hero!
He is the sort of guy you want to go out with, though, isn't he?
#..the thrill of the fight... #
Why are you vibing? This is mint!
# No rules! #
No wonder we don't do very well at it. We're too normal.
I know! We are too normal.
We are too normal.
Windows 95 Man?!
I always thought it was more about the music,
but now I'm starting to realise it's a lot about your stage show.
The whole... The whole "package". Yeah.
Oh, my days!
In Solihull...
The only downside of going up to Cumbria
on that west coast, it's such a long drive.
Kills us, doesn't it? 4.5 hours.
Yeah. It is a long way.
..Teresa and her wife, Anita.
It's all right when you're younger, you don't mind driving. No.
You just get over it so quick.
Whereas now, we're getting a bit old.
But it's nice stopping at Tebay.
Oh, that services is lovely, isn't it? Yes, very nice.
The little picnic area on the way up.
Mm.
It's just something to look forward to, isn't it?
It is. What, Tebay? Yeah, I think so.
How sad are we that we look forward to going to the bloody
service station?
It's a sign we're getting older!
In spring, there was some bobbing about on boats on Channel 4.
I'm just scared of anything near by water,
living in water, or by water.
I like the thought of it, I do. Do you? Do you? Yeah.
I bet you didn't know this
but narrow boats actually have a flat bottom -
very much like myself.
The Great British canal network.
Hey, how are you? All right?
This is a bit of me, this.
You used to love Rosie and Jim when you were younger.
I think that's where it stems from.
Will these intrepid Brits stay afloat...
Welcome to boating.
..or will they be cast adrift?
I've got no paddles.
I don't know about this.
Yeah.
I would like to have a narrow boat and also live in a house.
What, and just frequent the narrow boat every now and then? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Nah, you don't want to be that person, Dad.
Remember, like, Ken Barlow when he was having an affair
with that lady on a narrow boat? Yeah.
You've got a reputation to uphold. You don't want to be that...
What's wrong with that? What? Your point is?
I'm going to tell Mum.
36-year-old bicycle repairman, Sam Skinner, who's was currently
moored in Hertfordshire, north of London.
He's giving me living-on-a-boat vibe. Oh, yeah.
He's got a crop top on.
He repairs, restores and sells bikes to fellow boaters
who find him on the towpath.
Oh, what a nice lifestyle that is.
Oh, wow, OK. Maybe it's less stressful.
I just like swimming.
It's good for, you know, for your body.
Not in a canal, you don't.
I hope he's had his jabs.
Sam isn't one to stand on ceremony and commits to the full monty.
Oh. Ah.
He's just going to jump in there stark bollock naked?
Yeah.
Wait, he's got no pants on.
Move the bike.
I'm glad that nut in the middle of the wheel's just that size.
If the sun's out and it's warm enough,
then there's no reason to wear clothes.
He's a nudist, isn't he, at heart? He's a nudist.
He ain't shy, old Sam, is he? He's not shy.
If you swim naked, then it's better in multiple ways.
He's having a lovely time, in't he?
It's all fun and games until the school trip's
taking a walk down by the canal.
It's not advised to swim in the river, but thankfully,
Sam has a hot shower planned.
Otherwise known as a bucket over the head.
A bucket over the head, that's it?
Oh, here we go.
That's the first bit.
Oh, God.
He's not going to wash his bellend in front of t'crew, is he?
He doesn't care. He's just living his best life.
He lives that free life. I love that for you, Sam.
There's a time and a place, Lee, in't they?
He's only having a shower.
I wouldn't mind having a boat next to his.
Sam's taking a break from bike work to make one
of his favourite dinners.
My classic meal on the boat is just a stew.
Oh, I like stew. Yeah, we like stew.
I like pork stews, basically.
So I put leek, pork, potatoes, onions.
Sounds all right. Sounds delish.
I do it without chopping anything. Oh, OK.
He's not peeling or chopping anything?
So I literally just go...
Uh?
No.
I can't be bothered to chop stuff up, so I just bite it.
He's quite funny, isn't he?
Do you lot on the camera want some of this?
Cos I can bite enough for three of us.
Some people think you need a knife for an onion.
Oh, no, he's not doing onion n'all.
But you don't. ONION CRUNCHES
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, not onions. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I didn't think about the big veg.
No.
What the fuck?
He's just chomping on a leek.
Now time to heat up the sausages, too.
What's he going to do with them? I dread to think.
Put the sausages in.
It does look good.
Surely he should have cut up his sausages or bit
up his sausages. Oh, shut up, Shaun.
Sam certainly has his own cooking style.
You can say that again.
I bet he's got a really good immune system.
Now it's time for the tasting.
Mm. Yeah, it's wicked.
Oh, you couldn't live like that.
I wouldn't lick the butter and then put it on your toast.
No...
Oh, I bet he does, cos he hasn't got any cutlery.
Dip it in. What do you want on your toast?
Butter.
Oh, my God.
In Derby...
Raz, you're looking a bit tired. Are you all right?
I've been training a bit more than I normally do.
I've got my black belt grading coming up in a few days.
Oh, wow. This is third dan.
..the Siddiquis.
Raza, you are the strongest Siddiqui now, aren't you? Yeah.
I don't really like talking about that kind of stuff.
But you are the strongest Siddiqui, aren't you?
I don't know if I'm the strongest, but I could...do some damage.
Never be ashamed of being the most "est" Siddiqui.
Definitely not. Like, I'm the funniest Siddiqui.
You're the strongest, Siddiqui.
Dad's the... Prettiest.
..prettiest Siddiqui, yeah.
In October, loaded Aussies were splashing the cash on E4.
I'm loving this. I'm loving all the drama.
It's just the Australian version of Made In Chelsea.
It's a bag of shite this, Julie.
Do you know what, I tune in to watch Made in Bondi
purely because of Lawson and his animated self.
Like, why is your neck turning 90 degrees?
It's like he's constantly acting.
Yeah.
OK, this is looking really good.
Whoa! Who's that?
Do you want to give me a few serious vibes?
Oh, no.
Oh, it's Lawson.
Do you know, he's a very odd boy, that Lawson.
He's got a good body, but not a good...
Brain or face. That's the one.
So how are things going with Bella?
Things are good, Emsie.
Why does he speak like that?
"I'm good, Emsie!" Yeah!
Believe me.
Built up this very special date for Bella and I,
and...I'm out of ideas.
He is rich, so he should be able to come up with something good.
The textbook one is cinema -
hole in the bottom of the popcorn.
I think that I wanted to speak to you.
Oh, no.
BOTH: "Oh, no."
"Where is this going?"
I've always kind of had this weird thing that it feels like I'm not
good enough for you.
No.
Did you see how long the eyes closed for?
This is him.
It...
..kills me
to hear you.
Speak faster, man!
We got stuff to do.
You're everything and more.
And you mean more to me than anyone on this planet.
He's just saying what he thinks he needs to say in the moment.
Do you reckon? That is exactly it. That's it.
He's saying what she wants to hear. Yeah.
The problem we've got here is it's bullshit.
Yeah, yeah.
And there's going to be a big but on the end of this.
"You mean more to me than anyone in the world...
BOTH: "But..."
But,
I can't lie,
to come, from my side, out of the blue...
Bella's been saying how she feels from the get-go
that she wants something serious.
How could it be blindsided?
..which is why I need time to think.
What?! You need time to think?!
What's there to think about?
You either love her or you don't.
# I don't want to lose you... #
WHISPERING: Give me some time.
Oh. Wow.
"I can give you some time."
I think I've seen it all now.
Hi, lovely ladies. Hello.
After having some time to think, Lawson and Bella were reunited
at a fancy ball.
HE EXHALES SHARPLY My mind has been a battleground.
That's a great line. I'm going to start using that at work. Yeah.
Oh, God.
So dramatic, isn't he?
Yes.
So I've thought deep and hard.
Fucking hell. Wow.
He's drawing this out, innit?
Bloody hell. Is he milking this or what?
I wouldn't have patience for him.
And I can't see myself being a boyfriend in this present moment.
Eh?! What?!
Oh, mixed signals central. Piss off.
Like, I have no more time for this now. None.
Yes, Bella. BOTH: You tell him.
Exactly. Kick him in t'bollocks and walk off.
I completely understand that it's at the end of the line.
MIMICS INTONATION: "That it's the end of the line."
Who ever talks like that? It's so dramatic. Nobody talks like that.
Why does he look so sad? It's his decision.
It's the fake quivering of the lip for me.
Now he's regretting it. Could you see that?
He just realised what happened.
She's looking over her shoulder to see if he's gone after her.
Yeah. Oh, no, he hasn't. Oh, no. Oh...
No, he's definitely being serious.
..he's just getting an egg mayo sandwich off the buffet.
And he's talking to some other girl.
In Bristol...
Do you know what, I was looking through social media
and my old photos, and some of the stuff that I used to wear,
wow.
I used to wear V-necks all the time.
I never got those. The low ones? Yeah. Simon Cowell mans.
And I used to put, like, Vaseline in the crease as well to like,
do you know what I mean? To make it shine? Yeah, make it shine.
Nah, you went too far.
..brothers Tremaine, Twaine and Tristan.
So you used to contour your chest hair?
Yeah, contour. You know what I mean?
That's what I mean.
To make it, like, pop out a bit.
You know what I'm saying?
You shouldn't have told me that.
That's some footballers ting, man.
In November, we took a step back in time for a romp around the '80s
on Disney+.
Rivals, a bit of smut, Pedders.
It's my weekly dose of smut, this, I like it.
Have you been watching this? No, no, it don't bother me, sex.
It's all about sex, innit? Is it about sex?
Yeah, near enough. No, I'm not interested.
MUSIC: Y Viva Espana by Sylvia Vrethammar
Oh, hang on. Where are we?
Oh, Blackpool, man. Wicked, innit?
# Y viva Espana... #
Spain. Just got back last night.
# Espana, por favor. #
Oh, this is Cameron.
She's a hotshot producer that works for Tony, but she's also
Tony's bit on the side.
KNOCK AT DOOR
She's expecting someone.
Senorita Cook?
Oh, flowers.
Not what she was expecting. Ooh, roses.
Hello? OVER PHONE: It's me.
Lord Baddingham sends his apologies, but he won't be joining you.
What?
I'm so sorry, Cameron.
Good luck tomorrow.
Goodbye.
He doesn't look bothered, does he?
He can't even do his own dirty work and ring her and let
her know himself.
Uh!
Oh. Fwoo!
She won't be bought with a bunch of flowers, will she? I'd have been.
Careful. You'll scare the pigeons.
HE CHUCKLES
Look who it is, right on cue.
It's Rupert.
No, Tony? Surprised the oily baron missed the opportunity
for a few days of fun in the sun.
So he knows that...
Yeah, she's knocking him off. Knocking off Lord Baddingham.
Why is he always one step ahead?
You should join me for dinner.
Excuse me?
Ooh.
Hmm, you can see what's going to happen here.
So he's trying to move to her, then, innit?
Isn't he always?
He's trying to move to every woman.
Imagine how furious Tony would be if he knew you were actually
having a good time.
He's read her like a book.
She's going to be straight there. That'll piss Tony right off.
Do you know what it reminds me of, Lee? Just a load of swingers.
It does, honest.
They're all bed-hopping with everybody else.
I think that's what people used to do in the '80s.
Really? Where was I?
What's Tony's appeal.
He was in Doctor Who.
I can see why he finds you irresistible.
Oh, he's a smooth talker, in't he?
I know what you're doing, and you're wasting your time.
BOTH: I don't think he is.
Rupert has got a plan.
And it's just, it's not only just to get Cameron in bed.
We know what's going to happen, Pedro.
Do we, though? I think she's going to say no.
I suppose this is goodnight.
Yes, it is, you big perv.
"Have you got any of them Tassimo pods left in your room?"
"I've run out of little milks in my room.
"Can I come in for a brew?"
It's happening!
Well, they're going to have some fun.
I think we're going to have some fun watching.
I'd rather not with you.
Look at them perky boobies. I was just going to say.
Do you think they had body doubles and clingfilm and all of that?
No, no.
Ooh, look at that bum.
Oh, you would have a good squeeze, wouldn't you?
I'm sick of seeing his arse.
I'm not.
That's not realistic.
It's not realistic. You'd be like, "Oh, stop jiggling me."
Yeah. "I've had a load of potatoes bravas."
Wish you could come tonight.
I'm not sure I fancy pretending to be Lord Baddingham for the evening.
She's getting ready for the awards, isn't she?
MUSIC: Call me (Spanish version) by Blondie
# Pintame la vida entera
# Pintame color
# Siento asi... #
Ta-ra! Arrivederci.
# Call me... #
He's off. He's off.
Oh, what's he up to?
# Call me... #
What's he doing? Oh, going through all her stuff. Yeah.
He's looking for something in her room, in't he?
Yeah.
# Call me. #
Jackpot!
Right, so this is striking me as a Tony file, innit?
She meant nothing at all to him.
Well, no. It's all...
Yeah, it's just sex, innit?
Well, it's not sex.
He just wants to get back at his main rival, doesn't he?
Hello? I've got something of an emergency on my hands, and I need
these very important documents copied quickly.
Can you do that?
Photocopiers, they worked, didn't they, Mary? Mm.
Cos all through the '80s, people used to sit
on top of the... Photocopiers. ..Xerox machines and send pictures
of their bottoms. Yeah.
Oh, she's back!
Shit, he'll have to run like hell now, won't he?
God, no. I couldn't be arsed with those stairs. I'd give up.
I'd have to admit that I'd stolen some documents.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
He's not going to beat the lift.
Have you ever been stuck in a lift?
No. No. Have you? No.
I used to want to be stuck in a lift when I was a child
with Cliff Richard. Oh, sweet.
Cos I imagined that would be the only way I'd get his attention.
Oh, do you reckon Rupert's done it?
This prick!
How in the fucking hell did he get away with that?
I fucking did it.
"So did I."
Is this what people did in the '80s before smartphones,
before the t'internet? 100%. Right, take me back.
Has he got wandering hand disease, Mary?
Well, he just...
He basically just throbs with such virility that he just has to stand
next to a woman, and she finds herself kind of collapsing into him.
Yielding. Yeah.
In Glasgow...
We've spoken about this before, but you need to stop shouting
when you're playing the Xbox. Why?
Because people are starting to give me weird looks when I come
out the house. ..Roisin and her boyfriend, Joe.
What's that got to do with me?
Joe, do you know what you were shouting yesterday
with the windows fully open in the afternoon?
You were shouting "Take it, take it, take it!"
Which you followed up with, "The hog is getting obliterated."
The hog was getting obliterated.
Yeah, but people are going to put two and two together and get five
and think I'm the hog.
In April, Channel 4 entertained us with the return of this.
Ellie, quick! A new series of The Piano!
Do you know something, at Christmas we went to Antalya and they had
a grand piano in the foyer and all like that,
and this bloke was playing it like mad and all like that.
Well, as the night went on, I went by and I thought,
oh, that piano's still going.
It was fucking electric.
Had he pissed off? And he'd gone!
This year, our piano will travel to even more train stations
up and down the nation...
Lovely to meet you. I'm Claudia.
..celebrating more incredible undiscovered pianists
than ever before.
I love this programme. The music programme with
everyone playing the piano and all that.
I'm proper jealous.
I wish I could play an instrument.
You said you was going to learn to play the ukulele, but you never.
It's hard.
This is The Piano.
The Piano.
# Pia, pia, piano... #
# P&O. #
My favourite kind of ferry.
Just in case this gets a bit moving for you.
Cheers, son.
We're at Manchester Piccadilly.
Manchester Piccadilly. We were there not that long ago. Yeah.
They do a fantastic pasty. Yeah.
And for the very first time on The Piano, we're about to meet
a married couple.
Oh, married couple.
This will end in tears. I was going to say, argument pending.
Hello. I'm Claudia.
Fran. Hi, Fran. Duncan. Hello, Duncan.
Duncan. Duncan, come and have a seat.
Duncan, I believe you're going to play. Yeah.
Duncan's the pianoist.
How long have you been playing the piano?
Since I was four.
No way.
I've got to start Theodore on it now.
I'm 80 now, so a little while ago.
SHE GASPS Wow.
76 years.
I reckon he can bang out a good tune, this guy. Bloody hell.
76 years.
The first time I heard him play, which is a long time ago now,
I said to him...
Stop.
"There's something rather special in your touch on the piano."
Oh. Oh. What a chat-up line.
That's what made her fall in love with Duncan.
We first set eyes on each other in 1964.
Oh, this is going to be a love story, this, Lee.
Duncan came into the room, and when I looked at him,
what went through my mind was that's exactly the sort
of man I would like to marry.
BOTH: Aww.
Must have been very similar when you looked at me. Mm-hm.
I haven't had that experience.
Neither have I.
In fact, in ten days we will have been married 42 years.
42 years. Friggin' Nora! I could have killed you
and I would have been out before then. Wow.
How many years have we been married?
I don't know, Giles, but can you stop? Pipe down? Yeah.
INTERVIEWER: And how does that feel, 42 years together?
Absolutely fine.
There's no feeling of being bored, being bored with the situation.
He's got a bit of a stutter, hasn't he?
No, hang on a minute.
Except...
Er, no...
Yeah, Duncan obviously seems like he's struggling
with getting his words out.
Oh, do you think he's got...?
Oh, Lee, I think he's going to say he's poorly.
Yeah.
Don't tell me he's got dementia, because that will upset me.
I do have this difficulty with dealing with one or two
of the questions you might ask me, simply because I've got,
you know, dementia, and I've had it for six years.
Oh, no.
Oh, bless him.
He still hasn't lost the ability to play piano. No, no.
Marvellous.
The future is unknown.
But Duncan is everything to me.
I would have him in any situation rather than not have him.
Oh, don't be saying that.
Why is it always happening on this programme?
That's what you want someone to say to you about you, don't you?
Yeah, you do. That's real love.
What are you going to play for us today?
It's the Theme for Fran.
So, this is Fran.
It's a great big thank you.
He wrote it. He wrote this for her to say thank you.
Even now, if he's just playing anything and then he plays that,
I just have to go across and give him a kiss.
Aah.
You know, there's no material gift that would be better
than that, is there? No.
Have a wonderful time. Enjoy it. OK, will do.
"Have a wonderful time." Oh, they're adorable.
Get ready, Jane.
Come on, Duncan.
Oh, nice. It's really lovely.
Really light and chirpy and delicate.
And I like it very much.
Oh, look at Fran.
I once went on a first date with somebody, and they played
the piano and sang to me.
And then I never went on another date with them ever again.
Gave you the ick, didn't it? Yes.
He hasn't forgot anything, Lee? No, he hasn't.
You do feel like you get, like, a glimpse of their life, don't you...
Yeah, defo. ..when he's playing that?
It's like a story he's telling, or something, isn't it?
This could be Mum and Dad.
Bloody hell. Aah!
Oh, God.
I can't help it, I'm sorry. I can't.
It just gives me such total feeling about the girl I found
and the girl I married.
The girl I love and always will.
Right, where's my Duncan?
I want a Duncan.
Is that too much to ask?
You do not get this in this day and age, do you?
Men in 2024 are scraping the barrel.
They're not fit to lace Duncan's boots, are they?
No.
Well done, Duncan.
That was unbelievable.
I like that bit at the end.
Yeah. I like his little panachey bit with his hands.
Little flourish. Yes.
Do you and Nat have a song?
Do we 'eck!
There's no romance in mine and Nat's relationship.
There's more romance in that.
In Leeds...
So, you know that air fryer you sent me? Mm-hm.
Well, I've ordered it, and you'll know how buzzing
I am over this - it's got a temperature probe.
Oh, I've seen that the new ones have got the temperature probe.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
She cooked a turkey in it. I watched the full QVC video.
It was fantastic.
And with the probe?
With the probe. She cooked it with the probe.
You're jealous of my probe, aren't you?
I can't believe you've got a probe.
Your pig-sick about my probe.
I'm pig-sick about your...
Do you know what, I'm not actually that bothered for a probe.
You liar!
I'm not that bothered for a probe because...
Wait until you come to mine for Christmas dinner
and I've been probing everything!
In autumn, Sir David graced our screens once more, and this time
he was taking us to the Far East.
One of the continents when I was at school was Australasia.
Well, it might have changed, then, from when you was at school.
The world was flat then, wasn't it?
I've never been to Asia yet.
It's on the list. I want to go to Japan.
I've been to the Taste of Asia in town. It's spot-on. Oh, yeah.
Lovely.
Of all the wonderful places in the world, one continent holds
more riches than any other.
He actually looks all right for 98.
98.
Obviously, he looks old.
Well, I'll tell you what, he's got a good surgeon.
I don't think he's had work done. Wye aye, he has, man.
He's got wrinkles. You don't look like that at 98.
See, I can't tell which part of the world that is.
Can you?
It's Asia.
There's so much for us to see before we die, Steve.
Yeah.
Mangroves...
ALL: Ooh.
Mangrove swamps are dense. Mangroves.
The lungs of the planet.
That's what they call the mangroves, isn't it?
I've seen this recently on Go Jetters.
These are places where nothing is as you might expect.
Trees grow in the sea...
Trees grow in the sea.
They aren't actually mango trees.
Mangroves, not mangoes.
LAUGHING: They're not mangoes.
Fucking idiot!
..and fish live on land.
And what lives on land? Fish live on...? Fish?!
Oh, I bet it's the mudskipper.
Oh, you're a funny looking thing.
A dusky-gilled mudskipper.
That's not a fish, is it?
No, it looks like a hair grip. It looks like you. Fuck off.
I've not had one of them from t'chippy before.
I love a lightly battered mudskipper.
Only 5cm long, but a master of these swamps.
They're mad-looking bastards, aren't they?
Joints in their pectoral fins enable them to walk.
It's got legs!
That is weird.
I didn't know fish could walk. Did you?
And they can leap with a flick of their tail.
Oh, it can jump and n'all.
That's why it's called the mudskipper.
This one is seeking a mate with whom to start a family.
He's not going to shag a crab, is he?
He's not going to what? Shag a crab?
Well, he's a mudskipper.
Why would he want to shag a crab?
I can't see anyone else there.
And when there is a dead end...
What does he do? Don't tell me he's going to fly now.
Oh!
..the mudskipper simply skips across the water's surface.
Jeez!
That is one talented fish.
What's this?
Oh, hello.
His eyes are bulging.
It's like it's got a very untreated thyroid problem. Yeah.
An open arena...
..full of females.
HE WOLF-WHISTLES
Oh! Oh! he's got his pick.
It's an all-you-can-eat buffet. Bingo.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: But there are also other males here
looking for partners.
That one looks so evil.
Oh, these are the males. There'll be a fight now, you watch.
Oh, you watch now. To win a female,
they must duel.
SHE SINGS INDIANA JONES THEME
I've got a fiver on the one with the googly eyes.
But no-one is backing down.
Look at him. Oh-ohh!
They'll just nudge each other.
What? What, fam?
Get off of my girl.
Victory, and the opponent beats a hasty retreat.
Yeah. Get out of here, you scumbag!
The female mudskippers are going to be impressed.
And it looks like this male...
..has caught someone's eye.
Oh, hello.
She's beautiful.
Oh, my God. The way the eyes move! That's so cute.
He's like, "I can't believe what I just saw."
It's love at first sight.
A quick wave should seal the deal.
Yoo-hoo!
Come on. Back to my place, love. You've copped.
This way.
Come and see my hole.
Aww!
If you said to me bulging eyes and slimy and muddy,
I'd say, "Yuck."
But the reality is the most charming creature... Mm.
..that you could hope to see.
You know, this is like being in town on a Friday night. Yeah.
You know, they've had a scrap. Yeah.
Somebody's going home with no teeth.
The other one's got the girl.
And to be honest with you, in the morning,
they'll both regret it.
NARRATOR: In Wiltshire...
Where are you going?
I'm going to go and identify a fresh stain on the staircase.
..Giles and his wife, Mary...
Oh. I'm wondering if a bird's got in, Mary.
Not another bird.
Oh, that could be it! It could be bird poo.
That's what it is. Is it?
It's another bird's come into the cottage and it's shat.
Oh, don't say those words!
Oh, sorry.
Well, how else... What else should I say?
It's urinated? Say, "It's had an accident."
It's had an accident on the staircase.
In November, it was all about the numbers and letters again
on Channel 4.
Do you know this was the first-ever show on Channel 4?
The first show that was broadcast when it was first day.
Was it? Yeah. I sat there as, like, a ten-year-old, going,
"Ooh, new channel!"
You've got to have a special mind for this. Yeah.
And sadly... We haven't got it, have we?
De-de, de-de. It's like a clock ticking, innit?
Well, that's what it is, isn't it? Yeah. It's Countdown. Yeah.
I didn't think of that!
Right, here we go. Jenny, it hasn't even started yet.
I'm getting ready.
And we welcome back, a second time
in the company of Logan Skelton.
Go on, Logan.
Second time in the chair.
Oh, yeah. Cos this is what happens, innit? If you're really good,
you just stay on. Correct. Mm.
Afternoon again, Rachel. Afternoon, Logan.
Let's start with a consonant, please. Thank you.
Start today with...L
L
Another consonant. We've got to think of a word?
Is that right, Mary? Yeah. You can only use each letter once.
And a third.
R
Get an S! And a fourth.
S. Boom! Sorted.
Now hit your vowels.
A vowel. I.
I. So...
And a third.
U
Have you got anything so far? Er...
And a final...
N
Flippin' heck. Here we go.
Come up with a four at least, Jane.
SURE
Is SURE there? Yep. Oh, yeah. OK.
I thought you were just telling me you would.
LITRES. LISTEN.
L-I-S-T...
E-R. LISTEN. Shirl! Good shout. LISTEN.
URINE. URINE! U-R-I-N-E.
I think I've got a seven. What have you got, George?
LOITERS. LOITERS! LOITERS!
Oh, that's... I tell you off for loitering. That is SO you.
That is, yeah. It's always loitering.
I've told him off for it.
Logan? I think I'll try a nine.
Ooh! A nine!
Nine? Nine?
Oh, it's a clever dick, that one. That's all of them.
Steve? Seven.
Can we have the pathetic seven, please?
LUSTIER. Oh! LUSTIER.
Doesn't it tell you a lot about people, hey?
It's a loiterer and he's lustier. And he's lustier!
Logan? OUTLINERS.
OUTLINERS?! What?!
OUTLINERS. We missed a trick. OUTLINERS.
We use them every single day. OUTLINERS in Excel,
when I outline my table. Any data, babe. Any data.
Jesus Christ. You know what, all those outliers.
Can I have a consonant, please?
Thank you, Logan.
S
BOTH: Ooh!
And a vowel.
E
Steve. It's Steve, innit?
That's a nice name.
And a consonant.
P
STEP. PIE...S.
PIES. PIES.
LOGAN: And another consonant.
D. Stupid! Stupid!
There's no U. There's no U.
Why are you getting excited? Because I'm stupid!
And another consonant.
N
PENIS
And a final...
R. And here we go.
Oh, there's nothing leaping out at me, is there? Could do seven.
POINTED. Oh, aren't you good?!
PONER
Where's that? PONDER. What's that?
Oh, well done. That's six. Six.
TOGETHER: PONDERS. Seven!
STIPEND. Well done, Mary.
STRIPED. POINT. STRIPED. POINTERS.
S-T-R-I-P-E-D. POINTERS. Seven!
P-O-I-N-T-E-R-S.
Eight! Oh! POINTERS. Daniella!
Right. You've got eight. I've got seven.
I mean, I could have done better.
And that's time. How many, Logan?
Not sure it'll be good enough. Eight.
Eight. He got bloody eight.
Not good enough?!
You got more than me.
What's yours, Logan?
PORNIEST. Yes.
PORNIEST?! Porn... Oh, you dirty bastard.
Why didn't I think of that?
PORNIEST. What does that mean?
It's the most pornographic.
PORNIEST. I said porn!
Yeah, you did.
And that is actually specified in the dictionary.
I didn't think it would be, but that's a very good eight.
It's there. Well done. Yeah.
What the...?! Listen. Horniest, porniest.
It's porny photos. It's porn!
Oh.Porniest. SHE CACKLES
Never thought I'd see porn on Countdown.
So, you might say,
"Do you want to watch Deep Throat?"
And the other person would say, "No, the porniest film is..."
And then name a film. You wouldn't know cos you've never
looked at pornography. No.
MUSIC: Perfect World by Kodaline
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect world, singing
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect, perfect world. #