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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

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Yay!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Cookie dance, too?

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Oh, where's it gone?

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Yay!

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GASPS

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No!

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Here we go.

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They've got him.

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Oh! What you doing?

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Oh, she's a chicken nugget.

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LAUGHTER

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Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?

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Ha.

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What?

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Ooh, kiss. Ooh, that's
a bit forward.

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This is raunchy, isn't it?

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Bring on the dilvs.

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Yay!

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Who's in for the finger this
week, isn't it?

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Oh. Eww.

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It's so bad, it's actually
good. It's actually good.

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What just happened?

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Siri, call Ofcom.

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Over a couple of busy festive weeks,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.

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Martin Lewis was showing us
his tips on ITV1.

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If you want to beat your family and
friends at board games, get ready.

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As I'm going to jam this
show with tactics

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and strategies to give you
the household bragging rights.

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Baz, remember when we used to play
chess, me and you? Yeah.

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I used to beat you. I know.

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I think I've beaten you a couple
of times, maybe three

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and then you took over, didn't you?

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It was weird, no,
it was more than three.

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Was it? You, for months I was trying
to beat you and I couldn't beat you.

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But then when I did beat you,
that was it after that, wasn't it?

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I lost all interest after that.

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Yeah, you did, very quickly.

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BBC FOUR had a festive
throwback for us.

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How much I admire the housewives
of Britain

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in these appalling present
conditions for their courage

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to try and give their families
another super Christmas.

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Fanny Cradock, I bet she was friends
with Anne Frank?

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That's what kind of vibes
her name gives me.

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Besties with Anne.

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Do you know who Anne Frank is?

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Yeah.

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And that's what kind of vibe
I get from... Florence Nightingale.

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..Fanny Cradock.

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Do you know Florence Nightingale?

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Yeah, they might have been
like three best friends.

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And it was back to
Barry on Christmas Day.

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It's all right not inviting
Neil to the stag, isn't it?

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He seemed disappointed
when I called him.

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He 16, I said to him, "Oh,, give
your old man a break."

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Neil's 16?

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Neil, the Baby?

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Yeah, Neil, the Baby's 16!

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That's sick. I wonder if they still
call him Neil, the Baby?

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Of course, they do,
he's Neil, the Baby.

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Neil, the Baby's 16, my life's gone!

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LAUGHTER

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In Hull...

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Happy Christmas, Jenny.

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Oh, thank you very much.

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Happy Christmas.

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Aw, thank you.

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..best friends Jenny and Lee.

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I think you've got to...

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..take that off, the gold band.

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Aww.

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What is it, Maltesers?

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LAUGHTER

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Merry frigging Christmas!

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You haven't peed yourself have you?

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No, I haven't.

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On Christmas Day, BBC One treated
us to a festive ballroom bonanza.

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Chin-chin, Merry Christmas.

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Merry Christmas, one and all.

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What are you doing that for?

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Getting ready for Strictly, Mary.

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I've been buzzing for this, they
always have some good celebs

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on for this Christmas Strictly.

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Da, da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da.

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Whoa! Sorry.

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Different intro as well, isn't it?

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Christmas remix. Yeah.

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CHEERING

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Da, da, da, da, da, hey!

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This is your last chance to have
a walk on Christmas Day

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before it goes dark.

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And so... Which would you rather
do, go for a walk in the mud?

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Or watch Strictly...I know I'd
rather watch strictly.

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Would you? You hypocrite.

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First onto the floor, it's
gladiator, Harry Aikines-Aryeetey

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and his partner Nancy.

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CHEERING

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Jesus, look at the size of him.

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Oh, look at him!

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He's got a real name, I thought
it was Nitro.

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I'm sure nitro is in that calendar
you got me.

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Let me have a look.

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STRICTLY THEME TUNE PLAYS

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CHEERING

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Dancing Street
Commercial,

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Harry Aikines-Aryeetey
and Nancy Xu.

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They should have got a forklift
truck to bring this feller in.

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I'd love to see Nat in one of them.

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A mirrored unitard with matching
sparkly trainers. Yeah.

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Christmas Wrapping

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What have they done to him?

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He's become like an action man.
Oh, he's a toy.

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Is he supposed to be
Stretch Armstrong?

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too strong...

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Oh, look he's flexing his...

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Look at those pecks. Mm.

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Is this a dance competition
or Mr Olympia?

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LAUGHTER

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She is waking him up.

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Watch me hat.

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Go on, lad!

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He's throwing a few shapes
isn't he?

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He's not doing bad, actually.

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Nitro's quite flexible when he's got
a little bit snowman.

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He can move a little bit.

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Giddy up.

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Lasso, that's right.

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He's brilliant, he's better
than the professional. Hmm.

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Woo!

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The old flipperoo.

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Nitro just flipped Nancy like
a fidget spinner.

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Complete disregard for his dancer
and that's how it should be.

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Oh, we could do that, have you
got some tinsel?

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Go and do that at your own house.

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While away watching telly
over Christmas,

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we can do synchronised tinsel
waving, there's no reason...

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We've still got the use of our arms.

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What on earth are you talking about?

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Why would I want to do that?

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It's Christmas!

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Look at that!

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Look how strong he is, we should
have got him to lift

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the turkey out of the oven. Yes.

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Oh, yeah.

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Yeah, nice power lift.

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Holding her above his head.

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Like he's won a trophy.

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This is the first thing that's made
me feel festive, you know.

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APPLAUSE

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Merry Christmas!

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Can't believe a man in a leotard
as make me feel festive.

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Can I put my Christmas pyjamas on?

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Absolutely, you can.

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You can put your jammies...you
can undo the top button

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and then give it an hour.

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Take the bra off.

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And feel the girls and give it
an hour and will be ready

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for a bit of cold turkey and
stuffing sandwich, I reckon.

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I was wondering where
that was going.

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LAUGHTER

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In Blackpool...

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Colin.

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WHISTLES

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Colin. You a bit warm,
pal, in your jumper?

166
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Aye, it's a bit warm in
here, isn't it?

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..Pete and his little sister Sophie.

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Not used to having the heating on.

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Heating and a coat, he thinks
he's in Barbados.

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It's Christmas, isn't it?
It's a treat.

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Not used to having the heating on!

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He's sweating.

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Poor sod, we better get this
off you.

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Cutting him out of it.

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You won't feel the benefit
when you get home.

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A week before the big day,
Martin Lewis had some tactical

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tips for one of our favourite
festive activities on ITV1.

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Get the pen and paper.

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Are you having a laugh?
No, I'm not!

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Board games and games and stuff
a Christmas fun. Yeah.

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But games are immediately not fun...

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..if you're with people
that are dying to win. Yeah.

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I don't play board games any more.

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Because everybody I play with
is a sore loser.

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No, you just get nasty.

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Let's play.

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If you want to beat your friends
and family at board games,

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get ready as I'm going to jam this
show with tactics

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and strategies...

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Oh, it's all about numbers
isn't it?

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Oh, I'm buggered then.

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Is he doing probability?
He's doing probability.

193
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..to give you the household
bragging rights.

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You know what, that's my favourite
part about winning

195
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board games, the bragging.

196
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Oh, my days, you do too much.

197
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Is this just not going to cause more
aggravation over Christmas?

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Seven!

199
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Do you know what? Martin Lewis has
found all the bargains

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and all the hacks, in every
other part of real-life

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he's had to turn to board games.

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I like snap.

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That's not a board game,
that's a card game.

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Snap?!

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Fucking snap?!

206
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Where's the Monopoly board?

207
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I've delved into Monopoly even
deeper than I have before.

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He loves a green screen doesn't he,
Martin? Oh, God, yeah.

209
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Have you ever played
Monopoly before?

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Yeah. I haven't.

211
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Are you joking? No.

212
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I don't even know if I've ever
played it properly.

213
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,640
I think I might have just played
with competitive people

214
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,280
and let them win. Yes.

215
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,800
There are hacks to Monopoly that
I think can help people win,

216
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,320
once you know the stats.

217
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,840
God, he's a nerd, isn't he?

218
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,080
See, I need these hacks.

219
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,600
You definitely need them...
I never win at Monopoly.

220
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,960
Because you just don't know how to
build houses or hotels or nothing.

221
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,160
I like the McDonald's Monopoly.

222
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,680
You just said you never played
Monopoly before?

223
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,480
No, I mean, like the freebies
that you get.

224
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,600
There's nowt better than getting
a free McFlurry.

225
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,000
There is not. Nowt better.

226
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,120
When you are playing any
dice game it's crucial

227
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,520
to understand your
probability pyramid.

228
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,280
See, I told you it was probability,
told you!

229
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,400
Right, boys, take note, you need to
know about your probability pyramid.

230
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In the early stages of the game you
generally want to buy as many

231
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,080
properties as possible.

232
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,880
But Monopoly properties are
not all equal.

233
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,120
No, you've got to buy
the dark blue ones.

234
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,120
Tell you what I'm a fan of,
a station.

235
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You know, I like the utilities,
you know. Mm.

236
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,800
I usually get old Kent Road
and Whitechapel.

237
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Worth about 20 quid rent.

238
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:06,000
One way to compare is by calculating
the return on investment, ROI.

239
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,520
Oh, the ROI. Come on!

240
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,200
Six-year-olds play this.

241
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,480
They're not going to work out
the return on investment.

242
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,160
And it's also the leverage.

243
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,600
If I've got one of every colour,

244
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,360
it stops anybody getting a full
street, you know? Fuck 'em.

245
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,800
Now, when we're starting out,

246
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the most expensive
give you the best return,

247
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,840
the least expensive, generally,
give you the worst return.

248
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,520
You see? Look, I want to be
at the top. Mayfair, Park Lane...

249
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,280
I always like Bond Street
and always Oxford Street.

250
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,480
..and I always end up
down that bottom bit.

251
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,120
But now let's start
gradually adding houses.

252
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,840
And I want you to keep your eyes

253
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,120
on the light blue and the oranges.

254
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,360
Oh, right. So we want orange...

255
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,520
Write this down, Teresa.

256
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,840
Oh, fucking hell.

257
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,360
Sh, I'm listening.

258
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,760
This is really important.

259
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,280
It's not important. It is.

260
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,360
They're starting to move
up, you see.

261
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,080
Ah! Why? Buy as much
property as you can,

262
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,280
but how where do you put
your houses...

263
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,160
Nah. This is what is telling you.

264
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,440
Utilities. One house on each.

265
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,400
It's the light blues that
are giving you the best ROI.

266
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,720
The light blue!

267
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,320
Cross out orange, light blue.

268
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,280
And the second best set,
it's your oranges.

269
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,840
Listen, when people got houses
on the blue and the oranges,

270
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,480
it's sticky, bruv, I'm telling you.

271
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:11,800
Yeah. Sticky.

272
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,800
Look at you now.
I bet you're taking notes.

273
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,200
I might.

274
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,240
If you buy one of
each different set

275
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,800
on the board,

276
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,360
your opponent can't develop.

277
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,600
That's so fucking annoying
when people do that.

278
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,040
I am a genius.

279
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,240
I've been doing this
for donkey's years.

280
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:32,000
Trying to teach your
granny how to suck eggs.

281
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:36,720
So it's not just about what
you buy to build up yourself,

282
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,360
it's about what you buy

283
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,000
to squash them down.

284
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,440
Correct.
"Squash them down."

285
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,360
He's serious about this.

286
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,880
That's how I feel about you.

287
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,760
I want to squash you down, bro.

288
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,920
I think he's just describing

289
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,080
the subprime crisis of 2008.

290
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,200
This is how it happened.

291
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:55,280
But what's going to happen

292
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,280
if everybody applies
Martin Lewis's tactics?

293
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,200
What are we going
to end up with here?

294
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,520
A...

295
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:01,840
A gridlock...

296
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,040
That's what I mean. ..of people
that cannot win at Monopoly.

297
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,600
That's it.
It's fucked for everybody now.

298
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,320
Up and down the country, fucked.

299
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:17,880
In Manchester...

300
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,880
Right, so...you booked it?

301
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,960
I booked it.
Yeah, I booked it is a Sunday.

302
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,360
..the Malones.

303
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,960
But what I'm saying to you is, Tom,
you cannot keep saying to me,

304
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,640
"Will you do this?
Will you do that?"

305
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,240
And when I do it and I tell you,
and I give you the dates,

306
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,440
then, ten times leading up,
to me, you're saying,

307
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,000
"What date is it we're doing this?
What date is it we're doing that?"

308
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,560
And I'm like, Tom,
"I've sent it to you."

309
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,720
"Yeah, I know, but I don't
know what I've done with it."

310
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,160
So then I have to get my phone out

311
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,680
and go through everything
to find it again.

312
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,320
But the other day you
were telling me for weeks

313
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,840
it was going out
somewhere on Friday.

314
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,280
"It's happening Friday.
We're going down there."

315
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:54,640
And we planned it all.

316
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,840
It turned out you got the wrong day.
It was Thursday.

317
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,520
You rang up to see what
time it was started.

318
00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,840
You said you're a bit late.

319
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,040
It was yesterday.

320
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,040
On Christmas Day, there
was only one place to be

321
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:08,880
as the nation headed to Wales
for the final ever episode of this.

322
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,920
It's not a Long Island,

323
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,760
it's a Barry Island.

324
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,440
Oh, are you putting
Gavin and Stacey on? Am I?

325
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,680
Oh, here we go a little bit.
Little bit of...

326
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,800
I'm waiting for this.
Gavin and Stacey.

327
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,880
Do you remember what happened
at the end in the last one?

328
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,720
Yeah. She went down on one knee
and asked him to marry her.

329
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,040
Yeah. And does he?

330
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,520
I hope she's not
in the same position.

331
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,600
What, after five years?

332
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,120
Yeah. "Are you going
to say yeah or no?"

333
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,560
THEME MUSIC PLAYS

334
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:37,920
"Gavin and Stacey."

335
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,160
Even the music, we love.

336
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,800
It's so good that this is...

337
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,360
That they're doing this.

338
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,920
But there's that bit of sadness

339
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,600
knowing it's going to
be the last ever one.

340
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,400
LINE RINGS

341
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,200
Hiya. You all right?

342
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,080
Oh, I'm absolutely buzzing, I am.

343
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,360
There's Stacey.

344
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,480
Oh, my God. She still sounds
the same, innit? Exactly.

345
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:56,880
A whole weekend away.

346
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,200
Just me and you.

347
00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,560
Oh, where they going then?

348
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,880
We can lie in without being woken.

349
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,160
Don't forget, me and Smithy

350
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,840
have got our suit fittings
first thing tomorrow.

351
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,280
GASPS
Suit fittings.For what?

352
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,600
It's on!

353
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,400
It's happening!

354
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,480
Not unless somebody's died in it.

355
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,800
Oh, you would have
to bloody spoil it, you!

356
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,160
A wedding!

357
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,360
I know.

358
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,400
I can't believe it.

359
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,760
GASPS
Who's the bride to be?

360
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,440
Could be Bryn and
his fishing trip lover.

361
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,120
CHUCKLES

362
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,240
Hiya.

363
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:26,840
Oh, here's old Smithy.
Here's old Smithy.

364
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,120
Yeah. Neil Smith.

365
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,120
I'm here to do the wedding list.

366
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,000
Lovely. John Lewis.

367
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,120
Bloody hell!

368
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,160
Oh, God. Oh, what is it?

369
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,200
Where they... The presents. Yeah.

370
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,360
Fucking John Lewis!

371
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,360
Bride to be is already here.
Follow me. All right.

372
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,280
Oh. Bride to be. Who is it?
Is it Nessa? Is it Nessa?

373
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,320
All right?

374
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,400
Oh. Hi, babe.

375
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,120
Who the hell's that?

376
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,600
It's bloody Sonia!

377
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,400
Oh, for Christ's sake.

378
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,760
No! No!

379
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,680
No!

380
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,160
Someone's already bought
the hand-held Dyson. Great.

381
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,880
Corden, you jerk! You ruined it!

382
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,800
Why? Smithy, why?

383
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,480
This is.... This is not right.

384
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,560
Don't spoil my
fucking Christmas Day.

385
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:10,840
No.

386
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,720
I'll be... I'll be ringing Ofcom.

387
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,120
A bit later, it was
all eyes on Nessa

388
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,240
as we finally got answers

389
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:20,800
to what happened on that
fateful night five years ago.

390
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,120
I proposed to him, all right?

391
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,800
THEY GASP

392
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,960
Stacey's going to
lose her shit, boy.

393
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,200
What?

394
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,480
Yes. "What?"

395
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,440
I told him I loved him,
got down on one knee,

396
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,360
held up my ring and
asked him to marry me.

397
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,240
That's... Sorry.
That just tickled me.

398
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,640
What's wrong with that, dear?

399
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:40,920
That don't sound right.

400
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,600
"Held up my ring."

401
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,000
Oh, Christ.

402
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,040
And just as he was about
to speak, Gav came out.

403
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,440
Gavin!

404
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,000
Gavin's fault, Julie.

405
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,200
Smithy walked away,
left me on one knee.

406
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,360
Oh!

407
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,280
Oh, she never
responded to her then.

408
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,640
Smithy don't deserve
her after that.

409
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,120
You got to promise me...

410
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,800
..you won't tell no-one.

411
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,040
Stacey can't keep a
secret to save her life.

412
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,560
Not a soul.

413
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,040
Promise.

414
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,480
You've got to be kidding me.

415
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:07,920
No!

416
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,480
THEY LAUGH

417
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:10,960
Straight to the husband.

418
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,520
"You'll never guess what, Gav."

419
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:13,800
You can't say a word to anyone,

420
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,160
and certainly not Smithy.

421
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,760
Why is this all coming out now?

422
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,480
Oh, he's gone straight
to Smithy and told him.

423
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,800
Why haven't you told me?
I didn't tell anyone.

424
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,760
It's not like I didn't
tell you "pacifically".

425
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,840
"Pacifically"?
He's so me, you know.

426
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:28,560
He's actually so me.

427
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,960
Did he say "pacifically"?

428
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,440
Yes, yes, that's part of the jokes.

429
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,800
I've had a gutsful
of this place, Stace.

430
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,080
Oh! That's typical Welsh, innit?

431
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,000
"I've had an absolute
bloody gutsful."

432
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,000
What, the slots?

433
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,600
No, Barry.

434
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,400
It might be time for pastures new.

435
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,240
GASPS
You can't leave Barry.

436
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,680
Oh, you're not going, Nessa.
You can't.

437
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,040
Is it because of Smithy?

438
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,920
Cos he's getting married?

439
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,120
Maybe.

440
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,000
Yeah. She's done, ain't she?
Nessa's done.

441
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,520
I've never seen Nessa so vulnerable.

442
00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,560
I'll be OK.

443
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,840
I just never thought
he'd go through with it.

444
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,440
Oh, Nessa.

445
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,000
Neither did we, Ness.

446
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,280
No. I'm still not sure he will.

447
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,800
Oh, here she comes, Sonia.

448
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,920
She is a dick,
but she looks gorgeous.

449
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,680
Oh, this is going to
be hard to watch, isn't it?

450
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:23,800
Oh.

451
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:25,360
Hi.

452
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,680
You look amazing.

453
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,400
Why are you wearing those shoes?

454
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,640
What? "Why are you
wearing those shoes?"

455
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,200
She wants to mould him
into something he's not.

456
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:34,440
He never does nowt right.

457
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,080
He doesn't, does he?

458
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,800
Why is he marrying her?
Control freak.

459
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,520
Because he thinks
he's bettering himself.

460
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:40,760
That's what he thinks.

461
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,200
It's my privilege

462
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:46,360
to welcome you all here to celebrate
the marriage of Neil and Sonia.

463
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,000
Is that the woman from Motherland?

464
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,720
Yeah. She gets about.

465
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,000
Wow.

466
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,000
She's got all the jobs
nowadays, ain't she?

467
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,720
If anyone knows of any
just cause or impediment

468
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:59,440
why these two persons should
not be joined in marriage,

469
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,000
please declare it now.

470
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,120
JANE SQUEALS

471
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,920
Get ready, Jane, you're going to
have to shout if no-one else does.

472
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,680
Don't even think about it.

473
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,640
Pam's dying to get up
and shout summat!

474
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,400
Oh, God. Please, Nessa,
just come in.

475
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:12,800
Oh, don't think she will.

476
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,560
Do you have the rings, Gavin.

477
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,240
Someone say something.

478
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,680
Someone just say it.

479
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,280
Sorry. I'm sorry.

480
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,320
Sorry.

481
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,200
Oh!
Oh, come on, Gav. Come on.

482
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:26,240
I've got to say something.

483
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,480
Oh, my Christ.

484
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,160
"Oh, my Christ."

485
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,680
Iconic. Please.

486
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:31,880
Come on, Gav.

487
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,320
Come on, lad.

488
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,200
I don't...
What's he doing?

489
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,280
Is everything OK, Gavin?

490
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,160
I think you might
be making a mistake.

491
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,480
Ah!

492
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:41,800
GASPS
Yes!Yes!

493
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,240
And I should have
said something before

494
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,640
and not just gone along
with it, and I'm sorry.

495
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:45,760
Gavin, what's going on?

496
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,120
Sonia, I apologise.

497
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,560
I just don't think it's right.

498
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,840
Oh, my God.

499
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,040
Go, Gavin.

500
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,280
And I'm not the only
one who thinks this.

501
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,360
There's a lot of us, isn't there?

502
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,920
SILENCE

503
00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,200
Oh, that would be my luck,
that would.

504
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,800
Paige would get me sat
up there like a lemon

505
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,440
and you and her would be sat...

506
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,000
This is highly irregular.

507
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,880
"I don't know what you're
fucking talking about."

508
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,960
Neil, would you like to
continue, given that Gavin...?

509
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,000
Yes. Of course he does. Christ.

510
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,640
Yes. Yeah. Yes, I want to continue.

511
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,520
Right. Very well. No!

512
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,080
Oh, you silly man.

513
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,360
Gavin's right, Smithy.

514
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,000
Are you sure this is what you want?

515
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,120
Oh. Bryn.

516
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,520
Oh, here we go.

517
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,400
Yes. Come on, Bryn.

518
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,400
I'm sorry, but I don't think
it's right for either of you.

519
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,040
Oh, my God. Stacey!

520
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,240
Come on. Oh!
Oh, they're all getting up.

521
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,080
I agree, mate.

522
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,880
Wahey! Oh! Go on, Pete.

523
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,280
I would now like to
ask the congregation

524
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,040
if you believe Neil and Sonia

525
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,680
should NOT become
husband and wife today,

526
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:44,800
could you please stand?

527
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,760
They're having a vote.
I know, yeah.

528
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,800
What are you doing?
Are you insane?

529
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,920
Come on! Stand!

530
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,160
Come on, Jason. Come on, Pam.

531
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,400
Somewhere Only We Know
by Keane

532
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:05,720
Oh, once Pam's gone...

533
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,960
His boy's getting up an' all. Neil.

534
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,440
Yes! Yes!

535
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:12,680
All of them!

536
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,240
Oh, my God. Everyone is standing up.

537
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,080
Even the bridesmaids!

538
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,920
I feel a bit sorry
for Sonia, really.

539
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,240
No, don't.

540
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,720
Sonia, would you like some...?
Just... Just do the bloody vows.

541
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,080
Oh. No!

542
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:32,880
"Just do the bloody vows"?

543
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,120
He don't... He loves Nessa.

544
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,320
I, Sonia, take you, Neil...
Hang on. Wait.

545
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,720
Mick? Mick? Mick. Yeah.

546
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,880
Oh, he's asking Mick.

547
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,960
The thing is, this is actually
fucking making me a bit emotional.

548
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,760
It's making me...
It's getting me.

549
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:54,600
Cos he's asking... Mick and Pam
are like his mum and dad, really.

550
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:55,720
Jesus.

551
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:56,880
Get up, Mick.

552
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,200
Come on, Mick.

553
00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,800
You know it, Mick.

554
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,680
You know. He loves Mick.

555
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,360
Mick, what are you going to do?

556
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,600
Yes, Mick. Yes, Mick.

557
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,160
Oh! Mick's up.

558
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,880
Oh, my God. Fucking hell.

559
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,560
Are people actually saying that
he shouldn't be marrying me. Hello?!

560
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,200
Wow.

561
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:19,480
Oh, no.

562
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:20,680
There's her true colours.

563
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,000
What's that supposed to mean?

564
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,040
You said it yourself.

565
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,720
Everyone tells you you're
punching above your weight.

566
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,480
Oh, wow.

567
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:27,760
Right, it's all coming out now.

568
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:28,920
We are getting married

569
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,320
and the sooner we do, the sooner we
can get this lot out of our lives.

570
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,120
Oh, this is what I mean. She don't
want any of them in her life.

571
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,760
No. She just wants what's hers,
what she wants.

572
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,560
I don't think you love me.

573
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,000
What?
GASPS

574
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:41,520
Oh, I'm glad he's seen it, Simon,

575
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,240
because I don't think she loves him.

576
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,080
I don't think I love you.

577
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:46,760
CHUCKLES

578
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,360
I don't think this is what love is.

579
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,040
I think we're just
going along with it.

580
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,760
You ain't going to
find better than me, Neil.

581
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,560
Oh, fucking watch me.

582
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,600
Who do you think you are?

583
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,400
I already did.

584
00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,760
Oh! He already did.

585
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,720
17 years ago in Leicester Square.

586
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,600
Bryn, what time does she leave?

587
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,200
Who?
GASPS

588
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,120
Sorry, Smithy?
What time does her boat leave?

589
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,520
5.45, from Southampton.

590
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,360
Oh, why am I looking at my watch?

591
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,520
Gav, we've got to go.

592
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,000
Yes! I really am so sorry.

593
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,200
Yes.

594
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,560
Come on.

595
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:23,680
Go on, son.

596
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:24,960
Yes.

597
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,760
Oh, this is marvellous.

598
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,320
Oh, there she is.

599
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,040
Nessa! There we are. Nessa!

600
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,400
Nessa! Don't get on the boat!

601
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,320
Oh, Mick, I can't take the strain.

602
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,080
All right?
"What's occurring?"

603
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,040
Surely, one last time.

604
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,040
Oh! What's occurring?

605
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,880
Go on, my son.

606
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,240
Come on, Smithy.

607
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:54,520
Tell her how you feel.

608
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,040
This is your time now.

609
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,480
Five years ago, on Christmas Day,
you asked me a question

610
00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:59,960
and I didn't answer you.

611
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,640
I know. And I've thought
about it every day.

612
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,200
And I'm sorry.

613
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:05,640
I'm sorry I left you hanging.

614
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,480
I wasn't ready, I suppose,

615
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:08,640
but I am now.

616
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:10,960
Oh!

617
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,800
Oh, it's a bit too late. I've got a
new bloke... No, it's not. Shut up.

618
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,160
I guess what I'm saying is...

619
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,680
Ask me again.

620
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:17,800
"Ask me again"?

621
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,320
I'd tell him to piss off.

622
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:20,680
I'm saying, "You can ask me now."

623
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,120
He's ballsed that right up!

624
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,840
No. Oh, don't.

625
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,840
Why did I know she
was going to say...?

626
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,280
Don't you spoil my Christmas now.

627
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,400
I only ever ask once.

628
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:32,760
You had your chance.

629
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:33,960
You never took it.

630
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:35,280
Oh. Good girl.

631
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,360
You ask her then, you silly man.

632
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:40,760
You can't do this.

633
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,000
Come on, you can't do it! Nessa!

634
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,640
I don't know what it
is or why it is,

635
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,640
or when this thing that was nothing

636
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,320
became something,

637
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,560
and right now is everything.

638
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,000
But it did.

639
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,920
Oh, he's doing a Hugh Grant waffle.

640
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,840
But I love you, Nessa.

641
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,600
Whoa!

642
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,000
Oh, man.

643
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,200
I always have.

644
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:03,600
I mean, not always,

645
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,160
but most of the time.

646
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:06,400
THEY LAUGH

647
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:07,640
Don't ruin it.

648
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,440
That's it.

649
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:10,680
You don't have to ask me.

650
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,880
I'll ask you.

651
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,480
Oh. The right thing. Go on.

652
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,000
Yeah, ask her.

653
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,400
OK. It's making me cry.

654
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:19,440
Nessa...

655
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,080
"Will you marry me?"

656
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,120
Come on, Ness. Go on, kid.

657
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,360
..I love you.

658
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,560
Will you marry me?

659
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,080
Don't say, "No."

660
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:36,520
Just say, "Yes."

661
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:37,760
Please say, "Yeah," Ness.

662
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,440
Please. Don't say, "No."

663
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,120
I...

664
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,160
..Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins,

665
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,080
take you...
Neil Noel Edmund Smith...

666
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:48,200
Aww!

667
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:49,360
Yes!

668
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:50,960
Oh, yes.

669
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,160
..from this day forward.

670
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,480
Oh, God.

671
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,240
For richer, for poorer.

672
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,640
Till death us do part.

673
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,680
Oh, it's making me cry.

674
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,640
Oh, you big wimp. I'm not crying.

675
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,680
Much!

676
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,120
Which just leaves me to pronounce

677
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,280
that they are now, finally,

678
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:09,920
husband and wife.

679
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,920
BOTH CHEER

680
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,120
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

681
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,960
Woo!

682
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,200
This is literally
the best Christmas.

683
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,720
This is a really good ending

684
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,280
to a really good Christmas Day.

685
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,320
Yes! You may now kiss the bride.

686
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:28,640
No. What? What?

687
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,320
Sorry? We don't...kiss.

688
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,680
Never have. Never will.

689
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,520
Just not something that we do.

690
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:34,680
THEY LAUGH

691
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,440
I forgot about this, you know.
That is so funny.

692
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,880
Knew it!

693
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:43,880
CHEERING

694
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,680
THEY EXHALE

695
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,200
That's made my Christmas, that has.

696
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,440
I know.

697
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,600
I think it's the most rewarding
thing I've ever seen,

698
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,560
even though I wasn't
interested in them before.

699
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,120
Oh, Lee, it's so emotional.

700
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,000
And I mean everybody...
Oh, I popped myself in the eye.

701
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,920
LEE LAUGHS

702
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:02,280
It's a bit like that film,

703
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,600
It's a Wonderful Life
with James Stewart,

704
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,080
where the...

705
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:07,760
..whole village

706
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,000
comes to his house to say

707
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,680
what they feel about him.

708
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:16,400
You don't tend to get "emosh"
as often as you used to, Mary.

709
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,720
Mary, whenever... I know why
you don't get so "emosh".

710
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,720
Because the Queen's dead.
Cos the Queen's dead

711
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,680
and she was always the one
that triggered it. Triggered it.

712
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,800
Look, even the name
of the Queen, Mary.

713
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:35,880
In Leeds...

714
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,520
Do you reckon Nat's going to
propose to me on Christmas Day?

715
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,400
Well, it's one of them.

716
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:41,840
You shouldn't really
dwell on it too much

717
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,120
cos you might let it
spoil your Christmas.

718
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,520
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.

719
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,360
Well, he fucking better not
propose to me this Christmas

720
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:50,960
with this gammy finger.

721
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,320
Imagine t'picture on Facebook.

722
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:54,880
I'd have to crop my finger out.

723
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,240
That'd be just your luck.

724
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,080
Yeah! That would be just your luck.

725
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,760
Waited seven years...

726
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,000
Eight years, is it now?

727
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,480
Yeah. ..for a proposal,

728
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,520
and he proposes to you and
your finger looks like that.

729
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:07,920
Yeah. Scratch that.

730
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,680
I hope he don't propose
to me this year.

731
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,840
BULLSEYE THEME PLAYS
Over the weekend before Christmas,

732
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:16,280
ITV took us on another
trip down memory lane.

733
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:17,680
What is it?

734
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,200
Oh, my God! Bully's Star Prize!

735
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,480
I remember this from the '80s.

736
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,520
The '80s?! The '80s...

737
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,720
Fucking... That was ages ago!

738
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,040
This won't have the same '80s vibe.

739
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,080
There won't be the
casual racism and misogyny.

740
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,520
Good old days.

741
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,560
Yeah. We do miss that.

742
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,240
I think you would have
been the dart player

743
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,480
and I would have been
the non-dart player

744
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,400
cos you was good...
I can't believe I'm saying that.

745
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:48,720
Yeah, but you're thick as well so
we wouldn't even get to the final.

746
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,880
Chase The Sun
by Planet Funk

747
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,440
It's a bull's-eye!

748
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,080
Oi! Oi! Oi!

749
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,520
And here's your super-smashing host,

750
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,600
Freddie "Double Top" Flintoff.

751
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,680
Oh! It's Freddie!

752
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:04,320
Oh, I like Freddie Flintoff.

753
00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:06,520
Wagwan, Freddie, yeah?
He's looking sharp.

754
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:09,360
It's time to reveal
Bully's Famous Prize Board.

755
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,280
It's always shite prizes on bully.

756
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,600
Now this is the chance for you to
see some really naff prizes, Mary,

757
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,000
because I think I remember
in the past thinking,

758
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,080
"Oh, I'd rather not have that."

759
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:21,720
In one...

760
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,200
Here we go, Shirl!

761
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:24,880
"In one..."

762
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:26,600
You're not going to do all eight.

763
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,400
Top of the range Pixel 9
fold phone from Google.

764
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:30,880
Look at that, flip top phone.

765
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:32,840
Oh, nice! Oh, look at that!

766
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,080
That's not bad! Good prize.

767
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,760
That's worth a few hundred.

768
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:37,960
Well, that's worth having,
isn't it, Nutty?

769
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,800
I don't... Maybe.

770
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,280
In five!

771
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:42,800
"In five!"

772
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:47,000
It's an American-style fridge
freezer full of McCain chips.

773
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,160
Oh, now that's a nice prize.
Oh, now that's a nice one.

774
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,840
Oh, my God, look at all
them hash browns and chips!

775
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,320
And Bully's Special Prize...

776
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,800
Enjoy a stunning trip to Cornwall...

777
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:00,840
Ooh! ..thanks to
Great Western Railway.

778
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:02,040
Bloody Cornwall?!

779
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,360
Christ, I thought it
was somewhere abroad.

780
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:08,240
Cornwall, you know, on the
Great Western Railway.

781
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,680
Travel down on the
Riviera Sleeper service.

782
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:12,000
Oh, how lovely.

783
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:15,680
That's my dream to
sleep on a train, Ron.

784
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,200
Is it? It is.

785
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:18,760
Is it a prize or a forfeit, this?

786
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,800
In this game, Tony gets six darts
and Kenny gets three darts.

787
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,720
Are they famous,
those two people?

788
00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:25,520
No. Those are members
of the public, Mary.

789
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:27,600
Tony, you are throwing first.

790
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:29,360
Are you any good at throwing darts?

791
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,160
Oh, I... Would you
need to stand on a step

792
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:32,360
to get level with the board?

793
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:33,440
Probably, yeah.

794
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:36,600
That's red. It's number two.

795
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:37,720
Red, number two!

796
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,120
That's red. It's number one.

797
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,080
The smartphone!

798
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:45,000
God, he ain't doing
bad here, is he?

799
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:47,320
How are two of them going
to win one mobile?

800
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:49,480
It's a flip top.
They'll have to sort it out.

801
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:51,600
Now, Kenny, it's your turn.

802
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,080
Yeah. Now, just settle into it.

803
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:55,800
Kenny... Kenny's the non-player.

804
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:57,240
Hold on, hold on, Kenny.

805
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:58,960
Do not throw that dart.

806
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:00,360
Oh! What's he doing?

807
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:02,560
Kenny, how would
you like Luke Littler

808
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,040
to throw those darts instead of you?

809
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:06,440
Oh, yes! I thought so.

810
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,600
Oh, Luke Littler would
win me them trains.

811
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:13,000
Chase The Sun
by Planet Funk

812
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:14,680
Go on, Luke.

813
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,200
It fascinates me that he's, like, 17

814
00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:20,760
but somehow looks like a
50-year-old father of three.

815
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,000
What number would you
like him to go for?

816
00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:24,320
He wants the fridge freezer.

817
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:25,920
I'll have the trip to
Cornwall, please, Luke.

818
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:27,640
You will, not him. You will.

819
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:29,600
That's your prize, yeah.

820
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:30,920
Make it one way, please.

821
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,760
One way.

822
00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:34,200
"One way."

823
00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:35,520
Marvellous banter, isn't it, Nutty?

824
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:40,760
That's the bull's-eye!

825
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:42,560
Bull's-eye!

826
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,400
Bull's-eye!

827
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,920
HE SINGS JINGLE

828
00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:49,240
It's the trip to Cornwall!

829
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,120
Pack your bucket and spade.

830
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:53,080
Do you know what I like
about Bullseye is,

831
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,080
they've kept it
authentic in the fact

832
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:56,360
that it's still shite?

833
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:57,640
Yeah, it's the exact same.

834
00:30:57,680 --> 00:30:58,800
Yeah. I love it.

835
00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,640
You wouldn't want to change that.

836
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,800
No. That's the fundamentals, really.

837
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:06,080
In Derby...

838
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,520
I played Santa once.

839
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:09,600
I still don't get
how you played Santa.

840
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,160
It's easy. I wore a
Santa suit, a white beard.

841
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,480
I put a cushion in my...

842
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:17,200
In my tunic and that was it.

843
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:19,000
And then spoke in Santa's voice.

844
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:20,720
..the Siddiquis.

845
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:22,600
Go on. Ho, ho, ho.

846
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,080
That's it. You're Asian though.

847
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:25,640
You should go...

848
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:27,640
Oh-ho-ho!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!

849
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,760
What's wrong with Santa?

850
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,360
"Oh-ho!"

851
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:32,720
I'm a progressive Santa. Yeah.

852
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:35,520
Just before Christmas,

853
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,400
There was a canine
cracker on Channel 4.

854
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,160
Chilli, are we going
to put this one on?

855
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:42,640
This is your favourite programme.
Put it on it.

856
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:44,080
Good girl.

857
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:45,280
Oh! The Doghouse.

858
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,920
That's where you reside
at Christmas, isn't it?

859
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,320
Yeah.

860
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,960
WHISTLING

861
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,000
You do know this is going
to be really, really bad?

862
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:55,760
Because now we don't have a dog,

863
00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:57,760
I'm going to want to get every
single dog that's on there.

864
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,120
I want to get a rescue dog next.

865
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,800
You said, "I, Ellie Warner,
have enough dogs."

866
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,440
Well, yeah, I do have
enough dogs for now.

867
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:09,360
Georgia, a Saluki cross, is being
brought back to Woodgreen...

868
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:10,560
Oh, no! Oh, why?

869
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:13,200
..after struggling to cope
with the external noises

870
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:14,440
at her new home.

871
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:15,920
Look at the poor dog's face,

872
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:17,600
thinking, "I'm back here again."

873
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,320
The environment outside my house

874
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:21,920
is just not for her.

875
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:23,480
Move then.

876
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:25,840
I really love her.

877
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,680
I want the best for her.

878
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,000
Absolutely. Yeah.

879
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:30,920
Oh, what a shame. Oh.

880
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:32,720
She's doing the right thing,
isn't she?

881
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:34,880
Goodbye, darling.

882
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,040
Thank you for bringing her in.

883
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,360
Bye-bye.

884
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:39,800
GEORGIA WHIMPERS

885
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:41,600
Oh.

886
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,120
In all fairness, I might
cry at this. This is sad.

887
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,160
Get you a nice home, shall we?

888
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:47,760
Yes. Oh, don't.

889
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:52,240
Oh, my God, I've become
one of those...dog people.

890
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,840
Can you feel it? Is your heart,
like, breaking for Georgia?

891
00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:57,960
Come on then, monkey. Come on then.

892
00:32:58,000 --> 00:32:59,440
Oh. Disabled wheelchair user person.

893
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,440
Oh, God.

894
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,320
I love Mona so much.

895
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:04,840
She looks quite old, Lee.

896
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:06,080
Which... What? The dog?

897
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,760
No, the dog cos she's
got whiskers, hasn't she?

898
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:11,000
A bit like me.

899
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,480
Looking for a furry friend
for a bit of festive fun

900
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:14,840
are Ellen and Mona.

901
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:17,320
Oh, they've come for
another dog, have they?

902
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,040
We lost her sister in
Christmas last year.

903
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:22,400
Oh. Oh, no.

904
00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:24,880
Oh, I bet Mona's really
missed her sibling.

905
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,440
Una was a Saluki cross.

906
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:27,800
She was a lovely old woman.

907
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,280
Georgia's a Saluki cross, is she?

908
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:30,560
She was.

909
00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:37,240
Right. Well, we'll go and have
a look. See what we can find.

910
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:39,280
They're going through
t'filing cabinet now.

911
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,640
"What have we got in?"
"What have we got in?"

912
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:45,640
We did find a lovely
dog called Georgia.

913
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,280
It's the dog that got dropped off.

914
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,080
So, Georgia is actually
a Saluki cross.

915
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,080
"Do you mind returns?"

916
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:56,920
Should we go and
find your doggy friend?

917
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:58,160
Yes! Yes!

918
00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:00,480
It sounds like a
match made in heaven, this,

919
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:01,920
if it all goes well.

920
00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:06,200
Aw! Oh, here she comes.

921
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:07,880
Jumper on. Nice.

922
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,320
Please like each other.

923
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,160
Oh, look at Mona's tail.

924
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,680
I'm just seeing Mona's little tail.

925
00:34:17,720 --> 00:34:19,200
I'm trying not to cry.

926
00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:20,560
Aw!

927
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,200
What do you think?

928
00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:23,760
What do you think, Georgia?

929
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,080
Georgia's taking a while
to warm up, isn't she?

930
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,480
Yeah. Of course.

931
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:29,120
GEORGIA BARKS

932
00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:30,160
Oh! Oh! Oh!

933
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:31,880
GEORGIA BARKS

934
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:34,360
Oh, get back! She's not
happy, is she, Georgia?

935
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:36,280
No! Georgia. Sit!

936
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,640
I know it's very scary, isn't it?

937
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,320
BARKING

938
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:41,600
Oh, no.

939
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:43,120
She's spiky cos she's scared,

940
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:44,840
not because she doesn't like her.

941
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:46,600
Might be better if Ellen comes in.

942
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:49,400
What, and Ellen can calm
Mona down a bit, can't she?

943
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,400
Hiya, mugs.

944
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,080
Come say hello, poppet.

945
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:54,960
That's really good, Georgia.

946
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,520
Oh, Georgia's gone
over to say hello.

947
00:34:57,560 --> 00:34:58,920
That's a good sign.

948
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:00,920
Come on then.

949
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:02,800
You are... Your little waggy tail,

950
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:03,920
you are so cute.

951
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,520
George is looking like
she wants to get up, ain't she?

952
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:08,200
Yeah. You going to say hello?

953
00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:09,480
Oh. Look at that!

954
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:10,800
Come on, Georgia.

955
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,040
Try and come up.
Come on then. Oh, look.

956
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:14,400
Oh, Mona.

957
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:16,880
Oh, no!

958
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,600
Oh, my word. One up, one down.

959
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,240
Is Mona jealous that
Georgia's getting some fuss?

960
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,240
She's a proper soppy dog, isn't she?

961
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:24,920
She is, yeah.
She's comfortable with you.

962
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,360
Georgia really likes Ellen,
doesn't she?

963
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:28,720
Yeah.

964
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:30,040
So that's working.

965
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,480
Come on. Come on, come on, Mona.

966
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:36,000
Look, see? That's better.

967
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:38,360
GASPS
Yes.Good girl.

968
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:39,880
You funny girls.

969
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:41,080
Good girl.

970
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:42,880
Aww! They're kissing.

971
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,880
There we are. We're sorted.

972
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:46,120
Didn't take long, did it?

973
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:47,440
No.

974
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,040
Zoomies. This is what we needed!

975
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,960
Did we just need mum in the picture?

976
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:52,160
Oh, yay!

977
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:54,240
They're playing! The zoomies!

978
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:55,360
Oh!

979
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,920
Oh, look at them.

980
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,120
They love each other.

981
00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:06,400
Oh, are they going to bark
a lot like that, though?

982
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:07,560
Yeah! Well...

983
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:08,880
I'm not sure about that.

984
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:12,680
Do you think, if you substituted
lonely people for dogs...

985
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:16,560
..people would adopt
a lonely person?

986
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:17,800
Oh, you mean like a
Battersea Dogs Home

987
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,120
for lonely people? Yes.
It's a marvellous idea.

988
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:23,400
And then well-wishers could go
around just before Christmas

989
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,280
and invite them to join them.

990
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:27,280
Yes. If they like the look of them.

991
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,600
And then if they
like the look of them

992
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,320
and they got on really well,
they could have... Keep them.

993
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:34,640
..giant kennels for them, Mary.

994
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:44,720
In Blackpool...

995
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:46,480
Here you are, Pedders,
get the antlers on.

996
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:48,240
Why have I got to wear this helmet?

997
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,120
Because I'm doing the ring toss.

998
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:52,800
..Pete and his
little sister, Sophie.

999
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:54,680
All right. Are you ready?

1000
00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:56,120
Yeah.

1001
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:57,800
Are you even aiming for them?

1002
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,520
No. You've got to aim for...

1003
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:03,720
SOPHIE LAUGHING

1004
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,400
You deserve that.

1005
00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:09,960
Yes. Losing an eye for Christmas.

1006
00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:19,880
As the big day approached,

1007
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,720
we had a visit from
A Ghost of Christmas Past

1008
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,000
on BBC Four.

1009
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:25,880
I need to put mum on puddings.

1010
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,280
Oh, yes.

1011
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:28,600
Does she know this yet?

1012
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:29,960
No, she doesn't know yet.

1013
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,400
And what should I say to her,

1014
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,200
it's Marks's only? Yeah.

1015
00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,520
No, home-made, tell her.

1016
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,360
Do you want 'owt she's made?

1017
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:40,920
Fanny Cradock.

1018
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:42,360
She's old school.

1019
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:43,840
Who's Fanny? She's the OG.

1020
00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:44,880
She's a cook.

1021
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:46,440
She's not a chef.

1022
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:47,600
She's a cook.

1023
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:49,520
Do you like bossy women?

1024
00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:52,000
I've never known anything different.

1025
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:53,640
Hmm!

1026
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:56,520
In Dulci Jubilo
by Mike Oldfield

1027
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:58,080
I do not remember her.

1028
00:37:58,120 --> 00:37:59,960
You will when you see her.

1029
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,160
What a name.

1030
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:05,320
"Fanny Cradock Cooks for Christmas."

1031
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,720
"Royal mincemeat."

1032
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:09,880
Oh, my God, what's she
going to be cooking?

1033
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:11,560
Hello. Oh, my God.

1034
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:12,880
Who is this?

1035
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,480
I remember her!

1036
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:16,640
Be with you in a minute.

1037
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:18,160
"I'll be with you in a minute."

1038
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:19,600
Fuck off.

1039
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,120
In the programme, we were
all trying to keep up

1040
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:24,120
with Fanny's Christmas menu

1041
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:25,800
as she headed to the hob.

1042
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:27,400
Butter...

1043
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,200
..and a proper omelette pan,
I've got here.

1044
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:31,640
What is she going to do for us?

1045
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:33,360
The butter turns brown,

1046
00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:35,080
and that's the right moment
to dip your egg mixture in.

1047
00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:36,360
What's she doing? Egg?

1048
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,320
Now, the egg mixture is,
in fact, just eggs.

1049
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:39,480
What are you making, love?

1050
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,560
Is she cooking
us an omelette? Yeah.

1051
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:43,040
Is this a Christmas omelette?

1052
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,560
Pick up the frills as they
form round the outer edge

1053
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:46,840
with the flat of the fork.

1054
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:48,120
I'm going to be noisy now,

1055
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:49,600
so I'm going to stop talking!

1056
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,200
OK!
JANE LAUGHS

1057
00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:54,000
Thanks for the heads up, Fanny!

1058
00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:56,640
Shake!

1059
00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:58,760
Scoop, scoop.

1060
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:00,400
"Scoop, scoop."

1061
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:02,680
LOUD RATTLING

1062
00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:04,560
What the...? Fucking hell, Fanny!

1063
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:05,880
Fucking hell!

1064
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,720
RATTLING

1065
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:11,920
Now you will want to
turn down your heat.

1066
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:13,400
Right.

1067
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,040
That's not cooked. That's raw, that.

1068
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,720
Because you don't want
it to get like leather

1069
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:19,640
while you're putting
in the mincemeat.

1070
00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:21,040
Oh. What?

1071
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:22,480
No! "Mincemeat"?

1072
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:24,720
What the fuck is she doing?

1073
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,440
JANE LAUGHS

1074
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:30,160
So you put the mincemeat
over the surface in the centre.

1075
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:31,880
Raw egg and mincemeat.

1076
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:33,680
Oh! Give over, Fanny. What?

1077
00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:36,240
You're adding mincemeat
to that, you mad bastard?!

1078
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:37,320
She is.

1079
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:39,000
Now, then.

1080
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:40,080
Over with that chap.

1081
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:41,320
Oh.

1082
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,760
That honestly looks
like a Bushtucker Trial.

1083
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:47,560
And chip pan and omelette
at sharp angles to each other.

1084
00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:50,120
"And find the bin and pour it in."

1085
00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:52,320
But I always feel it looks
a bit naked like that.

1086
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:53,840
What's she putting on there now?

1087
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:57,280
So I like to dust it
with sifted icing sugar.

1088
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,640
Icing sugar on top of the omelette.

1089
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:00,960
Are you all right?

1090
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,040
And there it is.

1091
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:04,680
'Kin' hell.

1092
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,280
They've put about a kilo
of icing sugar on top.

1093
00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:09,680
Oh, God. Who's eating that?

1094
00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:12,760
Get a damp cloth. Because one of
the disfiguring things, I think,

1095
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:15,280
is when you sift the icing sugar on,

1096
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,400
and then you've got...

1097
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:19,160
..an unsightly rim around the edge.

1098
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:23,360
Oh, you can't have an unsightly
rim at Christmas, Lee, can you?

1099
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,400
It'd be unsightly after eating that,
I'll tell you that for nothing.

1100
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:28,840
Let's remember something
about omelettes.

1101
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:31,200
Something utterly and totally vital.

1102
00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:33,120
Oh. Oh, yes. Right. OK.

1103
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:35,680
What I want you to bear
in mind at all times...

1104
00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:37,760
Yes, please.
This is important stuff, Julie.

1105
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,640
That you shouldn't
eat that ever. Ever.

1106
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:42,480
Because I want you to
see when you serve it.

1107
00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:44,360
Now, I want to se this.

1108
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:48,600
That that still is
wet in the middle.

1109
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:50,320
Oh!

1110
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:51,760
My fave.

1111
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,480
There must have been a lot of
strong bellies back in 1975, man.

1112
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:57,680
Strong bellies, blud.

1113
00:40:57,720 --> 00:40:59,120
So, like Tiny Tim,

1114
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:01,240
God bless you all, I say.

1115
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:02,840
Goodnight.

1116
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:06,480
Look at that, Shirl.

1117
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:07,520
A veritable feast.

1118
00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:11,360
Oh, Fanny.

1119
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:14,200
THEY LAUGH

1120
00:41:14,240 --> 00:41:16,760
She was one of a kind,
Fanny Cradock.

1121
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,000
She certainly was.

1122
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:21,880
In North London...

1123
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,160
You know, Amira, the other
day I was, like, to Khaled,

1124
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:27,040
"Like, how has it been
working with Amira?"

1125
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:30,080
And, you know, he
said to me, he goes,

1126
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:31,320
"It's been hell,"

1127
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:32,680
that he's been suffering.

1128
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:33,800
And he said, all this.

1129
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:34,920
Yeah.

1130
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,760
..sisters Amira and Amani.

1131
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:38,560
He did say you do scream a lot.

1132
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:39,640
I scream a lot, yeah.

1133
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:41,120
At people. Yeah.

1134
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:42,160
What?

1135
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:45,680
OK. He might have noticed
a tantrum or two of mine.

1136
00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:48,520
OK. He should be really
telling you these things.

1137
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:51,640
What happened inside stays inside.

1138
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,160
So I don't know why
he's telling you all this.

1139
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:55,880
Yeah, he told me everything.

1140
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:58,080
He said I scream a lot?

1141
00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:00,760
That you're not nice to
the people there as well.

1142
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:04,360
I am nice, I got them
doughnuts last week.

1143
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,280
In the Countdown to Christmas,

1144
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:07,560
Netflix warmed us up

1145
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:09,320
with a brand-new romcom.

1146
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,080
I love Christmas films.

1147
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:12,800
I especially like dead cheesy ones.

1148
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:13,920
Oh, you'll love this one then.

1149
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:15,200
It's pure cheddar.

1150
00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:20,240
"Hot Frosty" is an oxymoron.

1151
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:21,640
You're an oxymoron.

1152
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:22,880
Is it about a snowman?

1153
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:24,120
Got to be.

1154
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:25,760
Hello!

1155
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:28,000
Kathy! What are you doing here?

1156
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:30,040
Oh, it's like a charity shop.

1157
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:32,720
Oh, here we are, Shirl,
like home from home for you.

1158
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:34,080
So, how are you doing, honey?

1159
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:35,600
Oh, good. Yeah. Doing really good.

1160
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:37,080
The diner's keeping me really busy.

1161
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:39,240
And, um... Outside of work?

1162
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:41,360
"Outside of work"?

1163
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:45,320
When I was younger, my mother
always wanted me to meet someone.

1164
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:46,720
She always used to say,

1165
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,480
"You'll never find the warmth

1166
00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:51,240
"unless you venture
out into the cold."

1167
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:55,040
Oh, she's telling her to start
looking around for a partner.

1168
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,040
By the time she got to
the end of that sentence,

1169
00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:01,200
I'd have started fretting, Nutty,
and said, "Must crack on."

1170
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:03,080
Yeah. "I've got lots of
other errands to do.

1171
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:05,360
"I'd love to stay chatting all day,

1172
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:07,760
"but I simply haven't got time."

1173
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,920
MAGICAL JINGLE

1174
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:11,880
Whenever you hear
that sprinkle music,

1175
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:14,440
that means something
magical has happened, Dad.

1176
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:17,040
Right? That's going to be a
magic scarf, that is now, Shirl.

1177
00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:18,560
You can tell.

1178
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:19,840
Yeah.

1179
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:24,960
These are some epic snow sculptures.

1180
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:26,280
Hello!

1181
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:29,960
Now, clearly you've been
doing your push ups.

1182
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:31,720
Who even made that one?

1183
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,040
Now, that is my type of snowman!

1184
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:35,400
Look at those pecs.

1185
00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:38,720
Who's got time to make a
Calvin Klein model out of snow?

1186
00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:44,200
There you go. Cover your...

1187
00:43:44,240 --> 00:43:47,040
Cover your shame, mate.
Cover your shame.

1188
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:49,080
MAGICAL JINGLE

1189
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:52,440
Oh, there was a little
twinkle in his eye, then.

1190
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,960
What's going to happen, Jane?
What's going to happen?

1191
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:57,960
I bet he comes to life, Nutty.

1192
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:02,040
Oh, no.

1193
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:03,560
Oh, here comes the cheesy magic.

1194
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:04,920
This is where I run home.

1195
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,000
Look. The hair.

1196
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:09,400
So, what, is he going to be naked?

1197
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:10,680
It's a naked man.

1198
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:15,640
Look, I told you he'd come to life.

1199
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:16,800
You watch now.

1200
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:20,040
He'll be the best looking
thing since sliced bread.

1201
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:22,800
LEE LAUGHS

1202
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,360
Oh!

1203
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:27,640
God!
Fuck off!

1204
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:29,440
What's that face?

1205
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:30,920
Seriously?

1206
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,160
SIMON LAUGHS

1207
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:38,800
Ooh. He's a bit of
all right, isn't he?

1208
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:41,680
Oh, I prefer him stiff, do you?

1209
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,560
SMIRKS

1210
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:48,760
Is he walking around
with his bare arse out?

1211
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:50,520
Put some clothes on!

1212
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:52,000
Hello!

1213
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:53,200
Hi, there. Uh-oh.

1214
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:54,960
Couple of pensioners out for a walk.

1215
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:56,680
This is the last thing
they need to see.

1216
00:44:56,720 --> 00:44:58,400
DOG BARKING

1217
00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:01,040
What was that? I'm not sure.
Let's investigate.

1218
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:03,360
"Let's investigate."
SHE wants a closer look!

1219
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:05,160
I bet she does.

1220
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:07,840
If you did that around where
I live, you get arrested -

1221
00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:09,800
even at Christmas.

1222
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:11,400
CHATTER

1223
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:12,800
I can move my arms.

1224
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,080
That's him. She doesn't
realise, does she?

1225
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:17,000
I love...talking.

1226
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:19,280
It is... It's amazing.

1227
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,720
Look, there he is.
She'll recognise the scarf.

1228
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:23,920
Hi. Hi.

1229
00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:25,920
Hi. It's... It's you.

1230
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:29,480
How would you feel if
that happened to you, Jane?

1231
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:31,160
I'd run a mile.

1232
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,000
There's a little bit of chemistry
going on, though, isn't there?

1233
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,200
Are these two going
to end up together?

1234
00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:41,600
Yeah. I think that's
where it's going.

1235
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:43,280
This is your idea of hell, isn't it?

1236
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:44,440
Literally.

1237
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:45,680
I love movies like this.

1238
00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:48,080
The cringier, the better.
That's what I think.

1239
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,480
After being arrested
by the town sheriff

1240
00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:52,560
for streaking in the streets...

1241
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,720
Can you just...just
turn the temperature down?

1242
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:57,080
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

1243
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:58,920
To keep you cool.

1244
00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:00,400
Oh, he's going to melt, Steve.

1245
00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:03,720
Has nobody mentioned to the cop
that he's a snowman? Uh-uh.

1246
00:46:03,760 --> 00:46:06,640
..Jack found himself
in a spot of bother.

1247
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:08,480
Jack. Jack!

1248
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:09,960
Jack! Oh, my God, look at him.

1249
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:12,160
He's dying.
Quick! Put him in the fridge.

1250
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:14,120
He's leaking, bro.

1251
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:15,520
CHATTER

1252
00:46:15,560 --> 00:46:17,480
Let us out! Just let us out!
Yep, yep.

1253
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:18,800
Get him out! Get him cold.

1254
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:19,920
That sheriff,

1255
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:21,560
he's got water on his hands.

1256
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:22,840
He has.

1257
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:24,720
Not blood, water.

1258
00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:28,320
Come on. You're a doctor.
Do something.

1259
00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:29,440
Do what?

1260
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,080
Chuck a couple of snowballs at him.

1261
00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:34,120
I'm sorry, but what's a doctor
going to do for a snowman?

1262
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:37,120
The fuck?

1263
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:38,600
I mean, it's crazy.

1264
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:40,680
It's been two weeks, and I know...

1265
00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:42,080
I'm a rational person,

1266
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:44,640
but I am...

1267
00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:46,240
I am falling in love with you.

1268
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,240
Fucking filling up here, me, Julie.

1269
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:50,960
Well, that won't help because
you need to say something cold

1270
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:53,320
and cold-hearted, isn't it?

1271
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:55,120
Not hot stuff, like that.

1272
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:56,920
"Not hot stuff."

1273
00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:00,600
Kathy...he's gone.

1274
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:03,360
Oh. He's gone.
She's not even checked his pulse.

1275
00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:05,000
What kind of doctor are you?

1276
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,760
Diagnosed from a
five-metre distance.

1277
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:09,360
She's not laid a finger on him.

1278
00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:10,600
Doctor says, "Dead."

1279
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:16,320
Oh, don't tell me he's
going to come back now.

1280
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,000
If I know my magical films,

1281
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:20,520
the kiss is all you need.

1282
00:47:20,560 --> 00:47:21,880
Let's go, honey.

1283
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:24,200
Let Sheriff Hunter
take care of this.

1284
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:26,440
They're not all leaving
him there, are they?

1285
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:28,400
Aye, they've got things to do, man.

1286
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:30,680
They've got Christmas
to get on with.

1287
00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:33,800
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

1288
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:35,400
I'm waiting, I'm waiting,
I'm waiting.

1289
00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:36,760
So once they all turn away...

1290
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:39,520
Kathy?

1291
00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:42,360
Oh! He's there.

1292
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:43,440
He's alive.

1293
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,640
He's like Jesus.
It's a Christmas miracle!

1294
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:48,880
CHATTER

1295
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:50,360
APPLAUSE

1296
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:51,400
I thought you were dead.

1297
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:53,440
We all thought... Well, we didn't
think he was dead, did we?

1298
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:54,640
JANE CHUCKLES

1299
00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:56,720
Are you all right, Jane?
Is it a bit too much?

1300
00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:58,240
"I thought you were dead."

1301
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:01,080
"That fucking idiot over
there said you were dead."

1302
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:03,120
"And that's our GP.

1303
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:05,560
"She cut Frank's leg off last week.

1304
00:48:05,600 --> 00:48:06,840
"Questioning that now."

1305
00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:09,040
"He only had an ingrown toenail."

1306
00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:18,520
In Hull...

1307
00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:19,920
Do you know summat, Jenny?

1308
00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:21,920
I haven't got my
regifting bag any more.

1309
00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:23,200
I don't do it now.

1310
00:48:23,240 --> 00:48:25,960
I've seen people with my
present I've bought you.

1311
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:27,120
LEE LAUGHS

1312
00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:29,640
..best friends Jenny and Lee.

1313
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:31,840
"Oh, look what
Lee and Steve got us."

1314
00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:33,800
I'm thinking, "Well,
I got him that last year."

1315
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:37,000
And like the friend I am,

1316
00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:38,480
I never mentioned it.

1317
00:48:38,520 --> 00:48:40,640
Didn't you? Really? Yeah.

1318
00:48:40,680 --> 00:48:43,080
God. You did buy us some shit.

1319
00:48:43,120 --> 00:48:44,760
Over the festive period,

1320
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:46,480
more cake was being baked

1321
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:49,560
to appear as something
fake on Netflix.

1322
00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:50,600
Is it cake?

1323
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:55,280
I think I can safely
say it's not cake.

1324
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:56,800
It's a rock cake.

1325
00:48:56,840 --> 00:48:58,680
It's... Cheese.

1326
00:48:58,720 --> 00:48:59,960
Cheese?!

1327
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,280
OK. Shall we waste some more time?

1328
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:03,720
I'd love to waste some more time.

1329
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:05,400
What is it this time, Nutty?

1330
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:07,160
"Cake..." "Is It A Cake"?

1331
00:49:07,200 --> 00:49:08,200
Oh.

1332
00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:13,120
I don't know if you
know this, Simon,

1333
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:15,440
but many years and
years, and years ago...

1334
00:49:17,320 --> 00:49:19,520
..I made a penis cake
for someone's birthday.

1335
00:49:22,240 --> 00:49:23,840
Thankfully, it wasn't my birthday.

1336
00:49:23,880 --> 00:49:26,160
Here we go, bakers,
it's time to figure out

1337
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:28,160
what each of you is baking today.

1338
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:29,680
I bet it's a cake.

1339
00:49:29,720 --> 00:49:33,200
Johnny! I think I'm going
to go with the ice skate.

1340
00:49:33,240 --> 00:49:36,400
Oh! That's a bit ambitious.

1341
00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:38,080
Oh, do you think? This is...

1342
00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:39,360
I'm a content creator.

1343
00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:41,120
I'm an influencer, I make videos.

1344
00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:44,120
"I'm everything. You name it.
I do it all."

1345
00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:45,240
He's a cake influencer,

1346
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:46,800
and he's been on the show before.

1347
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:48,280
He's really good.

1348
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,080
So many kids and families

1349
00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:51,880
are inspired by stuff
they see on the show,

1350
00:49:51,920 --> 00:49:53,800
things they've seen
on my social media.

1351
00:49:53,840 --> 00:49:55,520
Oh, Shaun, you'd love that.

1352
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,040
A pair of Crocs.

1353
00:49:57,080 --> 00:49:59,160
I do follow this guy, actually.

1354
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:01,000
But I've never made an
ice skate cake before.

1355
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:03,880
There's a lot of structure
that has to happen to this cake.

1356
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,400
It's very similar, though, isn't it?

1357
00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:07,080
It's a piece of footwear.

1358
00:50:07,120 --> 00:50:09,880
If he's done a Croc,
he can do a skate.

1359
00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:14,800
Man, this sole is going
to be harder than I thought.

1360
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:17,120
How the hell would you
make a sole out of cake?

1361
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:21,520
SQUELCH AND CRACK
Oh. Something cracked.

1362
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:24,120
Oh, it's not looking good.
That's not looking stable, is it?

1363
00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:26,840
The ice skate SOLE is breaking
and my SOUL is breaking.

1364
00:50:26,880 --> 00:50:28,800
His "soul" inside is breaking.

1365
00:50:28,840 --> 00:50:29,960
Apparently.

1366
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:31,520
They take this seriously.

1367
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:32,680
Johnny's deep.

1368
00:50:32,720 --> 00:50:34,840
I'm pretty devastated.

1369
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:35,960
Oh. He's crying.

1370
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,040
Christ, it's only a cake, love.

1371
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:41,000
All I want to do right now
is, like, throw in the towel.

1372
00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:42,800
You don't have to
throw in the towel yet.

1373
00:50:42,840 --> 00:50:46,320
You've still got two hours,
46 minutes and 55 seconds.

1374
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:48,120
I let it set. It looks good.

1375
00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:49,240
It's not breaking.

1376
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:50,680
Now, that's looking better.

1377
00:50:50,720 --> 00:50:52,200
Far more stable.

1378
00:50:52,240 --> 00:50:55,400
I'm really hoping that
I can make up for lost time.

1379
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:57,080
Oh. That's amazing.

1380
00:50:57,120 --> 00:50:59,600
Hey, it's coming to look
like a boot, innit?

1381
00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:02,800
A bit later, it was time
to see if the judges

1382
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:05,840
could spot Johnny's cake
amongst four other ice skates.

1383
00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:09,120
Bakers, you finished
your snow day cakes.

1384
00:51:09,160 --> 00:51:12,800
Now it's time to see if you can
make your way through to the finale.

1385
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:14,160
I like this bit.
I like this bit.

1386
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:16,440
This is the best bit, innit?
You always get it wrong.

1387
00:51:16,480 --> 00:51:18,320
I know. You'd be eating
fucking rubber.

1388
00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:20,560
I know. Cake wall, spin.

1389
00:51:21,880 --> 00:51:23,200
Bring on the cakes.

1390
00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:24,840
Hey, we don't get long, you know.

1391
00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:26,400
Let's see if you can find it.

1392
00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:27,640
Ooh, let's have a look now.

1393
00:51:27,680 --> 00:51:29,840
Your time starts now.

1394
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,680
Oh, my God, that's
actually quite hard.

1395
00:51:34,720 --> 00:51:36,640
Fucking hell. Where's my glasses?

1396
00:51:36,680 --> 00:51:37,920
Go on, zoom in.

1397
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:40,560
One looks too perfect.

1398
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:42,160
Don't mislead us.

1399
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,440
Is that a cake?
That looks like a cake.

1400
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:47,240
The lace on one
looked like real lace.

1401
00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:48,440
Yeah. They do.

1402
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:50,280
The laces on one
look like real laces.

1403
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:52,840
And the heel's very
thick and his wasn't.

1404
00:51:54,080 --> 00:51:55,160
Two was just too dirty.

1405
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:56,440
That's got cake vibes, innit?

1406
00:51:56,480 --> 00:51:58,200
Oh, fucking hell,
that looks like cake an' all.

1407
00:51:58,240 --> 00:51:59,560
I think it's two.

1408
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:01,080
I can actually see the jam filling.

1409
00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:02,840
It might not be, you know.

1410
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:05,160
I feel like it's four

1411
00:52:05,200 --> 00:52:07,200
cos it's a little wider
than the rest of them.

1412
00:52:07,240 --> 00:52:08,280
Oh, yeah. Oh. It's four.

1413
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:09,960
Yeah. It's four.
Jesus Christ, it's melting.

1414
00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:11,680
Look at the state of it.

1415
00:52:11,720 --> 00:52:13,320
100%.

1416
00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:16,080
That looks like it's been
assembled with a baseball bat.

1417
00:52:16,120 --> 00:52:18,280
Look at the sole on it.

1418
00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:20,680
Five seconds. Five, four...

1419
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,440
Four. Two.

1420
00:52:22,480 --> 00:52:24,680
This is really hard.
They all look shit.

1421
00:52:24,720 --> 00:52:25,920
What are you going for?

1422
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:27,160
Four is cake.

1423
00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:28,960
I'm going three is cake.

1424
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:32,600
Judges, that was intense.

1425
00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:34,200
Right. They've chosen number four.

1426
00:52:34,240 --> 00:52:35,600
I mean, come on.

1427
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:37,640
It's 100% number four, isn't it?

1428
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:40,960
Is it cake?

1429
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:46,320
Is it? Is it cake?
Is it cake?

1430
00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:49,800
My God. It IS cake.

1431
00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:50,960
It IS cake!

1432
00:52:51,000 --> 00:52:52,920
Oh, yes. It's cake.

1433
00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:54,920
I'm actually not mad.

1434
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:56,800
Like, I'm so grateful.

1435
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:59,400
When someone says,
"I'm actually not mad,"

1436
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:01,160
they're mad. Yeah. Yeah.

1437
00:53:01,200 --> 00:53:03,240
"I'm so OK right now."

1438
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:07,840
"I'm not."

1439
00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:09,360
"I'm so happy."

1440
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:13,600
In Wiltshire...

1441
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:15,640
That's a very, very good idea, Mary.

1442
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:17,200
What is?

1443
00:53:17,240 --> 00:53:20,160
I could have the ultimate
Christmas one-upmanship.

1444
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:22,160
A corkscrew hazel wreath.

1445
00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:24,320
..Giles and his wife, Mary.

1446
00:53:24,360 --> 00:53:27,080
This one's already a bit bendy.

1447
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,640
OK. Shall we test it
to destruction, Nutty?

1448
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,600
Look how bendy that is.

1449
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:35,320
Uh-oh.

1450
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:38,600
Mary... Didn't you make
a tepee once? Look!

1451
00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:40,640
Quite by accident, Mary...

1452
00:53:40,680 --> 00:53:43,640
Yeah. ..we've got the outline
of President de Gaulle.

1453
00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:44,880
Let's see it.

1454
00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:46,200
Oh, very much.

1455
00:53:46,240 --> 00:53:48,960
President de Gaulle, Mary. Yeah.

1456
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:51,400
You've got the outline
of President de Gaulle.

1457
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:52,760
Silhouette portrait.

1458
00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:56,600
This year, Channel 4 was
bringing all the festive feels

1459
00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:59,400
with a special
Christmas edition of this.

1460
00:53:59,440 --> 00:54:02,840
Mine and Nat's dates now consists
of going to the garden centre

1461
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:05,960
for summat to eat, for a
carvery or a full English.

1462
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:07,600
What was our first date like?

1463
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:08,760
Perfect, wasn't it?

1464
00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:10,240
It was really nice. Yeah.

1465
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:12,000
I really fancied you then.

1466
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:13,520
Yeah. What happened?

1467
00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:16,840
All I Want For Christmas
by Mariah Carey

1468
00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:19,720
Will you be taking
Paige out over Christmas?

1469
00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:22,400
Well, if you're willing
to look after the kids, yeah.

1470
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:23,960
Might have known!

1471
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,160
Well, can't leave
them in on their own.

1472
00:54:26,200 --> 00:54:29,600
Returning to the restaurant,
and hoping for some magic

1473
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:30,880
under the mistletoe,

1474
00:54:30,920 --> 00:54:33,560
is 30-year-old Isaac.

1475
00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:35,560
No, now, you see, that's
put me off straight away.

1476
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:37,480
Why is he wearing a
fucking Christmas jumper?

1477
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:39,280
Because maybe he ain't got
none more 'kin' clothes.

1478
00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:42,200
I wouldn't go out with anybody
who wears a Christmas jumper.

1479
00:54:42,240 --> 00:54:44,760
Last time,
I might have overdid it

1480
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:47,960
by talking about Pokemon
a bit too much.

1481
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:49,720
Textbook. We've all been there.

1482
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:51,080
That'll do it.

1483
00:54:51,120 --> 00:54:53,360
How would you have felt if
Nat had just talked nonstop

1484
00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:54,840
about Pokemon on your first date?

1485
00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:56,320
Well, at least he'd
have fucking spoke.

1486
00:54:56,360 --> 00:54:57,680
I were going to say,

1487
00:54:57,720 --> 00:54:59,760
he didn't say two words
on your first date, did he?

1488
00:54:59,800 --> 00:55:01,960
Ready to spread
some Christmas cheer

1489
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:05,000
is Isaac's date Rhiannon.

1490
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:06,280
Rhiannon, yeah?

1491
00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:07,840
OK. She's all about Christmas.

1492
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,520
I think we've cracked the case here.

1493
00:55:10,560 --> 00:55:11,760
Here you are. Enjoy.

1494
00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:14,440
Hi. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Nice to meet you.

1495
00:55:14,480 --> 00:55:15,840
Hi. Oh. Hang on.

1496
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:17,360
He's a bit touchy-feely...

1497
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,960
That's a nice hug.

1498
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:20,440
That was a nice hug.

1499
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:21,840
What's your...?

1500
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:23,200
Take a seat.

1501
00:55:23,240 --> 00:55:24,240
Thank you.

1502
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:25,480
SIMON LAUGHS

1503
00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:26,720
Brilliant.

1504
00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:29,000
Flattered.
Absolutely flattered to meet you.

1505
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:30,440
"Flattered"? No.

1506
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:31,600
How old is your name?

1507
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:34,040
I love the Christmas jumper.

1508
00:55:34,080 --> 00:55:35,960
Oh. Thank you.
I'm glad you like it.

1509
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:37,240
I'm glad it still fits.

1510
00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:38,840
Oh, they like each other, though.

1511
00:55:38,880 --> 00:55:40,320
I think Isaac really likes her.

1512
00:55:40,360 --> 00:55:42,200
He does. He's hit the jackpot.

1513
00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:44,240
I really like a nerdy guy.

1514
00:55:44,280 --> 00:55:45,360
I think, Rhiannon,

1515
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:46,840
you could be in luck.

1516
00:55:46,880 --> 00:55:48,160
Oh... You're killing it.

1517
00:55:48,200 --> 00:55:49,680
You've got the right guy here.

1518
00:55:49,720 --> 00:55:51,960
Do you know?
I don't suppose you know Pokemon.

1519
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,600
Oh, no!

1520
00:55:55,040 --> 00:55:56,840
That lasted long, Isaac.
Nice, mate.

1521
00:55:56,880 --> 00:55:58,760
Don't mention Pokemon.

1522
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:00,360
She might like it, though.

1523
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:01,760
Yeah. I do know Pokemon.

1524
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:03,480
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always...

1525
00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:04,720
Yeah. You might hate me for this.

1526
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:06,520
I've always been more
on the Yu-Gi-Oh side.

1527
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:07,840
GASPS

1528
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:09,240
"Yu-Gi-Oh!"

1529
00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:10,680
Rivals. Yu-Gi-Oh?

1530
00:56:10,720 --> 00:56:12,040
I love Yu-Gi-Oh!

1531
00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:16,080
Oh! They've got such similar
vibes and patter. Yeah!

1532
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:17,800
So if we were out at a bar, like,

1533
00:56:17,840 --> 00:56:20,080
what would you be looking
for in a guy?

1534
00:56:20,120 --> 00:56:22,040
Like, what kind of guy would...?

1535
00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:24,080
Do you mean, like,
what's my usual type?

1536
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:25,200
What's your usual...? Yeah.

1537
00:56:25,240 --> 00:56:28,080
So he's fishing there, ain't he?

1538
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:30,160
Dangerous question.

1539
00:56:30,200 --> 00:56:31,800
My usual type is, like,

1540
00:56:31,840 --> 00:56:33,240
usually long hair.

1541
00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:34,480
Oh.

1542
00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:35,600
Oh.

1543
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:36,760
A beard. OK.

1544
00:56:36,800 --> 00:56:38,520
"Well, I can grow this.
I can grow this."

1545
00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:40,920
"I'll grow all this out."

1546
00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:42,880
Like, sort of Viking-esque.

1547
00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:44,400
"Viking-esque."

1548
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:46,960
I mean, he ain't giving
Viking-esque, is he?

1549
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,720
She wants Jason Momoa.

1550
00:56:48,760 --> 00:56:50,680
She's got Jason Orange.

1551
00:56:50,720 --> 00:56:52,000
Poor cow.

1552
00:56:52,040 --> 00:56:53,880
Oh, that's... That's amazing.

1553
00:56:53,920 --> 00:56:56,040
THEY LAUGH

1554
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:58,280
He's just took a swift
one to the nuts there.

1555
00:56:58,320 --> 00:57:00,600
Yeah. She's gone, "Woof!"

1556
00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:02,120
Straight in the nuts.

1557
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:03,720
Would you like to see
each other again?

1558
00:57:03,760 --> 00:57:05,320
Oh... Please say, "Yes."

1559
00:57:05,360 --> 00:57:07,560
This can either make
or break our Christmas.

1560
00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:08,680
I know.

1561
00:57:08,720 --> 00:57:11,160
These two have got to
see each other again.

1562
00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:12,360
I'm praying.

1563
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:14,600
So, I was going to
suggest a second date...

1564
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:16,960
What...? Isaac! Let her
say something, Isaac.

1565
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:19,000
I was thinking a
picnic in the park...

1566
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:20,720
She hasn't said, "Yeah," yet,
though, has she?

1567
00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:23,520
I will happily go
to a picnic with you.

1568
00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:25,160
Oh! Aw, that's nice. Fantastic!

1569
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:27,480
Oh, my God.

1570
00:57:27,520 --> 00:57:28,680
I'm going to cry.

1571
00:57:28,720 --> 00:57:30,400
They're the perfect
match for each other.

1572
00:57:30,440 --> 00:57:32,680
I think you are absolutely super.

1573
00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:34,000
Oh! "Super!"

1574
00:57:34,040 --> 00:57:35,120
Oh, good.

1575
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:36,560
Perfect, Mary.

1576
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:37,720
Isn't that charming?

1577
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:40,640
"Super" is a word I haven't
heard since the 1970s.

1578
00:57:40,680 --> 00:57:41,720
I know.

1579
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:42,960
FRED CLINKS GLASS

1580
00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:44,400
What's happening?
What's Fred doing?

1581
00:57:44,440 --> 00:57:46,200
Christmas is a time to party.

1582
00:57:46,240 --> 00:57:48,040
And what do we do at Christmas?

1583
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:49,360
We sing!

1584
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:51,000
Do we? Oh, my God.

1585
00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:53,440
All I Want
by Mariah Carey

1586
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:55,840
No way.

1587
00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:57,120
Oh, my gosh.

1588
00:57:57,160 --> 00:57:59,160
Course Isaac's up there
on the bloody microphone.

1589
00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:00,560
Of course.

1590
00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:05,560
It's too much now, Julie.

1591
00:58:05,600 --> 00:58:07,840
Don't start fucking crying.

1592
00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:09,480
Oh, my God!

1593
00:58:09,520 --> 00:58:10,640
Jenny, you're all right. Oh!

1594
00:58:10,680 --> 00:58:11,960
He's getting a shag.

1595
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:13,520
Bless him.

1596
00:58:23,200 --> 00:58:25,200
Merry Xmas Everybody
by Slade

1597
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:27,200
Oh, that's good, that. I loved it.

1598
00:58:27,240 --> 00:58:29,000
That's a happy story, wasn't it?

1599
00:58:29,040 --> 00:58:32,400
Very. Now, we don't often get
happy stories in Britain today.

1600
00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:34,560
Oh, nag off. Nag off!

1601
00:58:34,600 --> 00:58:35,760
What? No, I'm saying that,

1602
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:39,440
isn't that nice to have a happy
story for a change? Yes. Yes.

1603
00:58:46,440 --> 00:58:47,840
In Derby...

1604
00:58:47,880 --> 00:58:50,040
Guys, you won't believe it.
I'm going to the dentist.

1605
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:52,120
The first time in,
like, three years.

1606
00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:55,440
And Mel booked the appointment,
and guess what time?

1607
00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:58,560
..the Siddiquis.
No, it isn't. It is. 2:30!

1608
00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:00,360
No way. It's booked for 2:30.

1609
00:59:00,400 --> 00:59:03,440
You're a fibber. You got that
joke from a Christmas cracker!

1610
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:05,960
Raza, I kid you not, man.
It's proper.

1611
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:07,760
2:30 I'm going. Like, "tooth-hurty".

1612
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:09,040
It's true.

1613
00:59:09,080 --> 00:59:12,080
Yeah. I'm going to the dentist,
too. I wish my time was 2:30.

1614
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:14,240
Oh... Yeah. Forget it.
You're jealous now, aren't you?

1615
00:59:14,280 --> 00:59:15,680
Yeah, I am. Mine's 12:40.

1616
00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:17,240
What are you gonna do with 12:40?

1617
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:18,880
Nothing.

1618
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:20,840
On the Wednesday before Christmas,

1619
00:59:20,880 --> 00:59:24,560
we set sail for our favourite
nautical murder mystery

1620
00:59:24,600 --> 00:59:25,920
on Channel 5.

1621
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:29,320
Good Ship Murder is the only
Christmas present I need.

1622
00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:32,240
You know, it really is...

1623
00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:33,720
..just sensational.

1624
00:59:33,760 --> 00:59:35,280
Shayne Ward there -

1625
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:38,640
singing, dancing and he
can solve murders.

1626
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,280
He's a good all-rounder.

1627
00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:46,680
Dubrovnik! We've been there.

1628
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:48,320
Yeah, we went all round...

1629
00:59:48,360 --> 00:59:50,640
And that was on a cruise.
It was, yeah.

1630
00:59:50,680 --> 00:59:52,760
So, I'm in the airport check-in,

1631
00:59:52,800 --> 00:59:55,600
and I look behind me
and there's Santa

1632
00:59:55,640 --> 00:59:58,120
with a massive sack of presents.

1633
00:59:58,160 --> 00:59:59,760
What is this, stand-up comedy?

1634
00:59:59,800 --> 01:00:01,200
I said...

1635
01:00:01,240 --> 01:00:03,320
"Where's all your reindeers?"

1636
01:00:03,360 --> 01:00:05,920
It's Minty from EastEnders!

1637
01:00:05,960 --> 01:00:07,560
Do you know what I love about this?

1638
01:00:07,600 --> 01:00:10,800
They've got all the waifs and
strays from the soaps. I love it.

1639
01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:13,480
You're out of a job,
get your arse on the cruise.

1640
01:00:13,520 --> 01:00:14,800
And he goes...

1641
01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:17,640
Well, you know Rudolph's red nose,

1642
01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:19,440
turns out to be Covid.

1643
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,240
They're all in lockdown.

1644
01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:22,360
Is he meant to be funny?

1645
01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:23,960
When do the jokes start?

1646
01:00:24,000 --> 01:00:25,160
Yeah.

1647
01:00:25,200 --> 01:00:27,840
Oh, dear. He's dying a
death up there, ain't he?

1648
01:00:29,440 --> 01:00:31,080
Where are you two going,
sponsored walk?

1649
01:00:31,120 --> 01:00:32,560
They're all walking out.

1650
01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:34,360
He's going down like a
lead balloon, isn't he?

1651
01:00:34,400 --> 01:00:35,400
Oh, bless.

1652
01:00:35,440 --> 01:00:38,440
Maybe we could get the
magic act going again.

1653
01:00:38,480 --> 01:00:41,160
I could ring around some
more booking agents.

1654
01:00:41,200 --> 01:00:42,560
Their act is..

1655
01:00:42,600 --> 01:00:44,480
..finitos.

1656
01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:47,000
Yeah. As they say in Dubrovnik.

1657
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:48,960
Forget about the magic act.

1658
01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:53,280
These fingers ain't as
fast as they used to be.

1659
01:00:54,560 --> 01:00:58,360
And let's be honest, no-one
wants to see you in a leotard.

1660
01:00:58,400 --> 01:01:00,080
Wow. "No-one wants to see..."

1661
01:01:00,120 --> 01:01:01,720
"..you in a leotard."

1662
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,160
Oh, dear.

1663
01:01:03,200 --> 01:01:06,600
Would you like to see
me in a leotard, Ronnie?

1664
01:01:09,240 --> 01:01:10,760
Ronnie?

1665
01:01:12,800 --> 01:01:14,960
CHUCKLES

1666
01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:17,880
Bring on the cheese!

1667
01:01:17,920 --> 01:01:21,240
Imagine how much the policy
would be for t'travel insurance

1668
01:01:21,280 --> 01:01:23,120
if you were going on that cruise.

1669
01:01:23,160 --> 01:01:24,800
Be a fortune.

1670
01:01:24,840 --> 01:01:26,480
Nobody comes off it alive.

1671
01:01:31,720 --> 01:01:34,080
It's almost like something
that was made 30 years ago.

1672
01:01:34,120 --> 01:01:35,480
Yeah.

1673
01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:38,240
Before they had more
up-to-date equipment.

1674
01:01:38,280 --> 01:01:40,040
In the festive-themed episode,

1675
01:01:40,080 --> 01:01:43,760
we saw Jack and his team trying
to stop Christmas being cancelled

1676
01:01:43,800 --> 01:01:47,040
by finding someone to play
Santa aboard the cruise.

1677
01:01:48,160 --> 01:01:49,760
Buddy, one bad night

1678
01:01:49,800 --> 01:01:52,280
doesn't mean it's
the end of your career.

1679
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:54,920
What about the other 50 bad nights?

1680
01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:56,720
There he is. Look at him.

1681
01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:58,920
It's your Father Christmas!
Straight away!

1682
01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:00,640
Yes!

1683
01:02:02,440 --> 01:02:04,400
I'll have a coffee
and a Rakia chaser.

1684
01:02:04,440 --> 01:02:05,720
Actually, hold the coffee.

1685
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,800
It's all a bit too
perfect, isn't it?

1686
01:02:07,840 --> 01:02:10,400
He sat down and he half
looks like Santa already.

1687
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:11,560
That's what I think.

1688
01:02:11,600 --> 01:02:14,600
Right, come on.
We need to find a Santa.

1689
01:02:14,640 --> 01:02:16,640
How are you going to
find the right one?

1690
01:02:16,680 --> 01:02:18,520
Through the power of Christmas.

1691
01:02:18,560 --> 01:02:20,840
Turn round, Shayne,
Santa's behind you!

1692
01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:24,000
Oh, no, he isn't!

1693
01:02:24,040 --> 01:02:27,800
Did I hear somebody say
they were looking for Santa?

1694
01:02:27,840 --> 01:02:29,040
Oh, my God.

1695
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:30,880
Christmas is saved!

1696
01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:32,120
See?

1697
01:02:32,160 --> 01:02:34,360
You've just got to believe.

1698
01:02:34,400 --> 01:02:35,880
Oh, you've got the job.

1699
01:02:35,920 --> 01:02:37,600
The magic of Christmas, Simon.

1700
01:02:37,640 --> 01:02:40,280
That was the easiest search
I've ever seen in my life, that.

1701
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:41,600
"We've got to find the Santa."

1702
01:02:41,640 --> 01:02:43,080
"Here's Santa."

1703
01:02:43,120 --> 01:02:45,000
So I said to Rudolph,

1704
01:02:45,040 --> 01:02:47,640
"We don't need your
red nose any more

1705
01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:49,880
"because I've got Santa-Nav."

1706
01:02:49,920 --> 01:02:52,680
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
CHILDREN LAUGH

1707
01:02:52,720 --> 01:02:54,240
Oh, he does a good Santa,
doesn't he?

1708
01:02:54,280 --> 01:02:56,120
He's found his audience
for his jokes, isn't he?

1709
01:02:56,160 --> 01:02:58,080
He's doing very well
as Santa, isn't he?

1710
01:02:58,120 --> 01:02:59,240
Yeah. Four-year-olds.

1711
01:02:59,280 --> 01:03:01,080
It looks like rain, dear. REINDEER!

1712
01:03:01,120 --> 01:03:02,960
Ho, ho, ho!
PHONE RINGS

1713
01:03:03,000 --> 01:03:04,920
Speaking of which,
this is probably Rudolph.

1714
01:03:04,960 --> 01:03:06,680
Oh, 'ey up! Who's this?

1715
01:03:06,720 --> 01:03:08,640
Oh. Maybe not.

1716
01:03:08,680 --> 01:03:10,800
Hang on. He recognises the number.

1717
01:03:10,840 --> 01:03:12,840
Oh, he's got a bad message there.

1718
01:03:14,920 --> 01:03:17,560
Oh, Santa's in the back alley here.
That's not a good sign, is it?

1719
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:21,080
What was that?
What was that then?

1720
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,720
Santa was getting murdered.

1721
01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:26,120
Oh. I'm sorry. "I'm sorry"?

1722
01:03:26,160 --> 01:03:27,720
Who is he talking to?

1723
01:03:27,760 --> 01:03:29,760
I'm really sorry.

1724
01:03:29,800 --> 01:03:30,960
HE GROANS

1725
01:03:31,000 --> 01:03:32,080
THEY GASP

1726
01:03:32,120 --> 01:03:34,040
Oh. He's been... Oh!

1727
01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:38,560
What's that sticking out of him?

1728
01:03:38,600 --> 01:03:41,080
Oh, Santa's been skewered.

1729
01:03:41,120 --> 01:03:43,120
Oh!

1730
01:03:43,160 --> 01:03:47,000
A bit later, and after a few wrong
turns and a couple of red herrings,

1731
01:03:47,040 --> 01:03:49,440
Jack had figured out who done it.

1732
01:03:49,480 --> 01:03:51,640
You see, all of this
has always been about

1733
01:03:51,680 --> 01:03:54,320
people missing people at Christmas.

1734
01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:55,880
Has it? Has it, Jack? Really?

1735
01:03:55,920 --> 01:03:57,120
Are we thinking it's Karen?

1736
01:03:57,160 --> 01:03:58,960
She's next under scrutiny.

1737
01:03:59,000 --> 01:04:01,280
If someone had said I'd
look shit in a leotard,

1738
01:04:01,320 --> 01:04:03,040
I'd kill them with a Christmas tree.

1739
01:04:03,080 --> 01:04:04,960
He didn't want to
tour with you no more.

1740
01:04:05,000 --> 01:04:06,280
Why has he said that?

1741
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:09,200
"He doesn't
want a tour with you no more?"

1742
01:04:09,240 --> 01:04:11,840
He met you to say goodbye,
didn't he, Karen?

1743
01:04:11,880 --> 01:04:13,080
Oh!

1744
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:14,480
Jack's like his in
court now, ain't he?

1745
01:04:14,520 --> 01:04:15,880
It's like he's Poirot.

1746
01:04:15,920 --> 01:04:17,440
And he's the prosecutor.

1747
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:19,120
This is BAFTA-worthy.

1748
01:04:19,160 --> 01:04:20,160
Absolutely.

1749
01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:24,120
I'm sorry.
Oh, here it is.

1750
01:04:24,160 --> 01:04:25,720
I'm really sorry.

1751
01:04:25,760 --> 01:04:27,120
Oh! Oh, jeez.

1752
01:04:27,160 --> 01:04:28,680
It were Karen that murdered him.

1753
01:04:28,720 --> 01:04:30,320
It was an accident.

1754
01:04:30,360 --> 01:04:32,600
Yeah, I'd have said
it was an accident.

1755
01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:34,320
She didn't mean it.
She just pushed him.

1756
01:04:34,360 --> 01:04:35,760
He fell on a tree.

1757
01:04:35,800 --> 01:04:37,680
Oh! It's accidental death

1758
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:39,120
by Christmas tree.

1759
01:04:39,160 --> 01:04:41,720
Please don't let this
ruin your Christmas.

1760
01:04:41,760 --> 01:04:44,280
"I hope it hasn't
spoilt your Christmas."

1761
01:04:44,320 --> 01:04:45,760
Of course it has.

1762
01:04:45,800 --> 01:04:50,680
Why he's fannying about onboard
a cruise ship beggars belief...

1763
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,600
I know. ..because he's got to
be one of the finest detectives

1764
01:04:53,640 --> 01:04:55,360
ever to roam this planet. Yeah.

1765
01:04:55,400 --> 01:04:59,120
Jack Grayling, will you
please bring Christmas home?

1766
01:04:59,160 --> 01:05:00,640
CHEERING

1767
01:05:00,680 --> 01:05:01,720
Here we go.

1768
01:05:01,760 --> 01:05:03,200
Best part of the show.

1769
01:05:03,240 --> 01:05:05,280
This is what it's all about for me.

1770
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:06,640
Time for the sing-song.

1771
01:05:06,680 --> 01:05:08,320
Oh, no. I'm dreading this.

1772
01:05:14,640 --> 01:05:16,800
What is this song?
It's not very Christmassy, innit?

1773
01:05:16,840 --> 01:05:18,520
Yeah. It's the Power Of Love

1774
01:05:18,560 --> 01:05:20,320
by Frankie Goes to Hollywood,

1775
01:05:20,360 --> 01:05:22,160
and also Gabrielle Aplin.

1776
01:05:30,200 --> 01:05:32,600
Oh, he can sing.

1777
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:42,560
Can we have some
Christmas cheer for a change?

1778
01:05:42,600 --> 01:05:44,720
It's a bit dead for
Christmas, isn't it?

1779
01:05:44,760 --> 01:05:46,680
Look! Imagine you have
your Christmas dinner

1780
01:05:46,720 --> 01:05:49,480
and then you come...
You come and listen to this after.

1781
01:05:49,520 --> 01:05:52,840
Just there like,
"Rah, this is depressing."

1782
01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:01,720
Oh, Jack, you sing lovely.

1783
01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:05,960
It's extraordinary that this
programme's popular, isn't it? Yeah.

1784
01:06:06,000 --> 01:06:08,080
VOCALISING

1785
01:06:12,840 --> 01:06:15,360
Whoo!

1786
01:06:15,400 --> 01:06:17,520
Fuckin' hell,
he's turned into Barry Gibb.

1787
01:06:19,080 --> 01:06:21,640
He sounds like he's in agony.
I know.

1788
01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:22,800
Frigging hell.

1789
01:06:22,840 --> 01:06:24,880
SONGS DRAWS TO CLOSE

1790
01:06:24,920 --> 01:06:26,800
Oh, thank God it's over.

1791
01:06:26,840 --> 01:06:29,960
"There's been two murders
on this boat today."

1792
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:32,000
THEY LAUGH

1793
01:06:32,040 --> 01:06:34,760
Remember when Shayne Ward was on
X Factor and Mum was always saying,

1794
01:06:34,800 --> 01:06:36,480
"Oh, he's going to be
Britain's answer to..."

1795
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:37,960
Justin Timberlake.
"To Justin Timberlake."

1796
01:06:38,000 --> 01:06:39,480
And now she's going,
"Oh, he's amazing.

1797
01:06:39,520 --> 01:06:41,040
"He's been on the West End."

1798
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:42,160
"He's been on the West End."

1799
01:06:42,200 --> 01:06:43,960
Yeah, because he got
the wrong management.

1800
01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:45,360
If he would have had the proper...

1801
01:06:45,400 --> 01:06:47,560
If I would have managed Shayne Ward,

1802
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:50,440
he would have been as
big as Justin Timberlake.

1803
01:06:50,480 --> 01:06:53,240
Shayne is on a par
with Jane McDonald now.

1804
01:06:53,280 --> 01:06:54,520
He's a cruise ship singer.

1805
01:06:54,560 --> 01:06:56,160
No, he isn't. Yes, he is.

1806
01:06:56,200 --> 01:06:58,560
No, he isn't. He'd just be
singing on the cruise ship.

1807
01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:01,040
Jane McDonald is
amazing and fantastic.

1808
01:07:01,080 --> 01:07:02,480
Shayne and Jane would
get along great now

1809
01:07:02,520 --> 01:07:03,760
because they're both cruise ship...

1810
01:07:03,800 --> 01:07:05,000
Only thing is, like,

1811
01:07:05,040 --> 01:07:08,080
Jane can't solve fucking
murders like Shayne.