This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Yay!
MUSIC PLAYS
Cookie dance, too?
Oh, where's it gone?
Yay!
GASPS
No!
Here we go.
They've got him.
Oh! What you doing?
Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
LAUGHTER
Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
Ha.
What?
Ooh, kiss. Ooh, that's a bit forward.
This is raunchy, isn't it?
Bring on the dilvs.
Yay!
Who's in for the finger this week, isn't it?
Oh. Eww.
It's so bad, it's actually good. It's actually good.
What just happened?
Siri, call Ofcom.
Over a couple of busy festive weeks, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Martin Lewis was showing us his tips on ITV1.
If you want to beat your family and friends at board games, get ready.
As I'm going to jam this show with tactics
and strategies to give you the household bragging rights.
Baz, remember when we used to play chess, me and you? Yeah.
I used to beat you. I know.
I think I've beaten you a couple of times, maybe three
and then you took over, didn't you?
It was weird, no, it was more than three.
Was it? You, for months I was trying to beat you and I couldn't beat you.
But then when I did beat you, that was it after that, wasn't it?
I lost all interest after that.
Yeah, you did, very quickly.
BBC FOUR had a festive throwback for us.
How much I admire the housewives of Britain
in these appalling present conditions for their courage
to try and give their families another super Christmas.
Fanny Cradock, I bet she was friends with Anne Frank?
That's what kind of vibes her name gives me.
Besties with Anne.
Do you know who Anne Frank is?
Yeah.
And that's what kind of vibe I get from... Florence Nightingale.
..Fanny Cradock.
Do you know Florence Nightingale?
Yeah, they might have been like three best friends.
And it was back to Barry on Christmas Day.
It's all right not inviting Neil to the stag, isn't it?
He seemed disappointed when I called him.
He 16, I said to him, "Oh,, give your old man a break."
Neil's 16?
Neil, the Baby?
Yeah, Neil, the Baby's 16!
That's sick. I wonder if they still call him Neil, the Baby?
Of course, they do, he's Neil, the Baby.
Neil, the Baby's 16, my life's gone!
LAUGHTER
In Hull...
Happy Christmas, Jenny.
Oh, thank you very much.
Happy Christmas.
Aw, thank you.
..best friends Jenny and Lee.
I think you've got to...
..take that off, the gold band.
Aww.
What is it, Maltesers?
LAUGHTER
Merry frigging Christmas!
You haven't peed yourself have you?
No, I haven't.
On Christmas Day, BBC One treated us to a festive ballroom bonanza.
Chin-chin, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, one and all.
What are you doing that for?
Getting ready for Strictly, Mary.
I've been buzzing for this, they always have some good celebs
on for this Christmas Strictly.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
Whoa! Sorry.
Different intro as well, isn't it?
Christmas remix. Yeah.
CHEERING
Da, da, da, da, da, hey!
This is your last chance to have a walk on Christmas Day
before it goes dark.
And so... Which would you rather do, go for a walk in the mud?
Or watch Strictly...I know I'd rather watch strictly.
Would you? You hypocrite.
First onto the floor, it's gladiator, Harry Aikines-Aryeetey
and his partner Nancy.
CHEERING
Jesus, look at the size of him.
Oh, look at him!
He's got a real name, I thought it was Nitro.
I'm sure nitro is in that calendar you got me.
Let me have a look.
STRICTLY THEME TUNE PLAYS
CHEERING
ALAN DEDICOAT: Dancing Street Commercial,
Harry Aikines-Aryeetey and Nancy Xu.
They should have got a forklift truck to bring this feller in.
I'd love to see Nat in one of them.
A mirrored unitard with matching sparkly trainers. Yeah.
MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping
What have they done to him?
He's become like an action man. Oh, he's a toy.
Is he supposed to be Stretch Armstrong?
# Bah, humbug, no, that's too strong...
Oh, look he's flexing his...
Look at those pecks. Mm.
Is this a dance competition or Mr Olympia?
LAUGHTER
# All this year's been a busy time
# Don't think I have the energy...
She is waking him up.
Watch me hat.
Go on, lad!
He's throwing a few shapes isn't he?
He's not doing bad, actually.
Nitro's quite flexible when he's got a little bit snowman.
He can move a little bit.
Giddy up.
Lasso, that's right.
He's brilliant, he's better than the professional. Hmm.
# So deck those halls
# Trim those trees...#.
Woo!
The old flipperoo.
Nitro just flipped Nancy like a fidget spinner.
Complete disregard for his dancer and that's how it should be.
Oh, we could do that, have you got some tinsel?
Go and do that at your own house.
While away watching telly over Christmas,
we can do synchronised tinsel waving, there's no reason...
We've still got the use of our arms.
What on earth are you talking about?
Why would I want to do that?
It's Christmas!
Look at that!
Look how strong he is, we should have got him to lift
the turkey out of the oven. Yes.
# Merry Christmas
# Wouldn't miss this one this year #.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, nice power lift.
Holding her above his head.
Like he's won a trophy.
This is the first thing that's made me feel festive, you know.
APPLAUSE
Merry Christmas!
Can't believe a man in a leotard as make me feel festive.
Can I put my Christmas pyjamas on?
Absolutely, you can.
You can put your jammies...you can undo the top button
and then give it an hour.
Take the bra off.
And feel the girls and give it an hour and will be ready
for a bit of cold turkey and stuffing sandwich, I reckon.
I was wondering where that was going.
LAUGHTER
In Blackpool...
Colin.
WHISTLES
Colin. You a bit warm, pal, in your jumper?
Aye, it's a bit warm in here, isn't it?
..Pete and his little sister Sophie.
Not used to having the heating on.
Heating and a coat, he thinks he's in Barbados.
It's Christmas, isn't it? It's a treat.
Not used to having the heating on!
He's sweating.
Poor sod, we better get this off you.
Cutting him out of it.
You won't feel the benefit when you get home.
A week before the big day, Martin Lewis had some tactical
tips for one of our favourite festive activities on ITV1.
Get the pen and paper.
Are you having a laugh? No, I'm not!
Board games and games and stuff a Christmas fun. Yeah.
But games are immediately not fun...
..if you're with people that are dying to win. Yeah.
I don't play board games any more.
Because everybody I play with is a sore loser.
No, you just get nasty.
Let's play.
If you want to beat your friends and family at board games,
get ready as I'm going to jam this show with tactics
and strategies...
Oh, it's all about numbers isn't it?
Oh, I'm buggered then.
Is he doing probability? He's doing probability.
..to give you the household bragging rights.
You know what, that's my favourite part about winning
board games, the bragging.
Oh, my days, you do too much.
Is this just not going to cause more aggravation over Christmas?
Seven!
Do you know what? Martin Lewis has found all the bargains
and all the hacks, in every other part of real-life
he's had to turn to board games.
I like snap.
That's not a board game, that's a card game.
Snap?!
Fucking snap?!
Where's the Monopoly board?
I've delved into Monopoly even deeper than I have before.
He loves a green screen doesn't he, Martin? Oh, God, yeah.
Have you ever played Monopoly before?
Yeah. I haven't.
Are you joking? No.
I don't even know if I've ever played it properly.
I think I might have just played with competitive people
and let them win. Yes.
There are hacks to Monopoly that I think can help people win,
once you know the stats.
God, he's a nerd, isn't he?
See, I need these hacks.
You definitely need them... I never win at Monopoly.
Because you just don't know how to build houses or hotels or nothing.
I like the McDonald's Monopoly.
You just said you never played Monopoly before?
No, I mean, like the freebies that you get.
There's nowt better than getting a free McFlurry.
There is not. Nowt better.
When you are playing any dice game it's crucial
to understand your probability pyramid.
See, I told you it was probability, told you!
Right, boys, take note, you need to know about your probability pyramid.
In the early stages of the game you generally want to buy as many
properties as possible.
But Monopoly properties are not all equal.
No, you've got to buy the dark blue ones.
Tell you what I'm a fan of, a station.
You know, I like the utilities, you know. Mm.
I usually get old Kent Road and Whitechapel.
Worth about 20 quid rent.
One way to compare is by calculating the return on investment, ROI.
Oh, the ROI. Come on!
Six-year-olds play this.
They're not going to work out the return on investment.
And it's also the leverage.
If I've got one of every colour,
it stops anybody getting a full street, you know? Fuck 'em.
Now, when we're starting out,
the most expensive give you the best return,
the least expensive, generally, give you the worst return.
You see? Look, I want to be at the top. Mayfair, Park Lane...
I always like Bond Street and always Oxford Street.
..and I always end up down that bottom bit.
But now let's start gradually adding houses.
And I want you to keep your eyes
on the light blue and the oranges.
Oh, right. So we want orange...
Write this down, Teresa.
Oh, fucking hell.
Sh, I'm listening.
This is really important.
It's not important. It is.
They're starting to move up, you see.
Ah! Why? Buy as much property as you can,
but how where do you put your houses...
Nah. This is what is telling you.
Utilities. One house on each.
It's the light blues that are giving you the best ROI.
The light blue!
Cross out orange, light blue.
And the second best set, it's your oranges.
Listen, when people got houses on the blue and the oranges,
it's sticky, bruv, I'm telling you.
Yeah. Sticky.
Look at you now. I bet you're taking notes.
I might.
If you buy one of each different set
on the board,
your opponent can't develop.
That's so fucking annoying when people do that.
I am a genius.
I've been doing this for donkey's years.
Trying to teach your granny how to suck eggs.
So it's not just about what you buy to build up yourself,
it's about what you buy
to squash them down.
Correct. "Squash them down."
He's serious about this.
That's how I feel about you.
I want to squash you down, bro.
I think he's just describing
the subprime crisis of 2008.
This is how it happened.
But what's going to happen
if everybody applies Martin Lewis's tactics?
What are we going to end up with here?
A...
A gridlock...
That's what I mean. ..of people that cannot win at Monopoly.
That's it. It's fucked for everybody now.
Up and down the country, fucked.
In Manchester...
Right, so...you booked it?
I booked it. Yeah, I booked it is a Sunday.
..the Malones.
But what I'm saying to you is, Tom, you cannot keep saying to me,
"Will you do this? Will you do that?"
And when I do it and I tell you, and I give you the dates,
then, ten times leading up, to me, you're saying,
"What date is it we're doing this? What date is it we're doing that?"
And I'm like, Tom, "I've sent it to you."
"Yeah, I know, but I don't know what I've done with it."
So then I have to get my phone out
and go through everything to find it again.
But the other day you were telling me for weeks
it was going out somewhere on Friday.
"It's happening Friday. We're going down there."
And we planned it all.
It turned out you got the wrong day. It was Thursday.
You rang up to see what time it was started.
You said you're a bit late.
It was yesterday.
On Christmas Day, there was only one place to be
as the nation headed to Wales for the final ever episode of this.
It's not a Long Island,
it's a Barry Island.
Oh, are you putting Gavin and Stacey on? Am I?
Oh, here we go a little bit. Little bit of...
I'm waiting for this. Gavin and Stacey.
Do you remember what happened at the end in the last one?
Yeah. She went down on one knee and asked him to marry her.
Yeah. And does he?
I hope she's not in the same position.
What, after five years?
Yeah. "Are you going to say yeah or no?"
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
"Gavin and Stacey."
Even the music, we love.
It's so good that this is...
That they're doing this.
But there's that bit of sadness
knowing it's going to be the last ever one.
LINE RINGS
Hiya. You all right?
Oh, I'm absolutely buzzing, I am.
There's Stacey.
Oh, my God. She still sounds the same, innit? Exactly.
A whole weekend away.
Just me and you.
Oh, where they going then?
We can lie in without being woken.
Don't forget, me and Smithy
have got our suit fittings first thing tomorrow.
GASPS Suit fittings.For what?
It's on!
It's happening!
Not unless somebody's died in it.
Oh, you would have to bloody spoil it, you!
A wedding!
I know.
I can't believe it.
GASPS Who's the bride to be?
Could be Bryn and his fishing trip lover.
CHUCKLES
Hiya.
Oh, here's old Smithy. Here's old Smithy.
Yeah. Neil Smith.
I'm here to do the wedding list.
Lovely. John Lewis.
Bloody hell!
Oh, God. Oh, what is it?
Where they... The presents. Yeah.
Fucking John Lewis!
Bride to be is already here. Follow me. All right.
Oh. Bride to be. Who is it? Is it Nessa? Is it Nessa?
All right?
Oh. Hi, babe.
Who the hell's that?
It's bloody Sonia!
Oh, for Christ's sake.
No! No!
No!
Someone's already bought the hand-held Dyson. Great.
Corden, you jerk! You ruined it!
Why? Smithy, why?
This is.... This is not right.
Don't spoil my fucking Christmas Day.
No.
I'll be... I'll be ringing Ofcom.
A bit later, it was all eyes on Nessa
as we finally got answers
to what happened on that fateful night five years ago.
I proposed to him, all right?
THEY GASP
Stacey's going to lose her shit, boy.
What?
Yes. "What?"
I told him I loved him, got down on one knee,
held up my ring and asked him to marry me.
That's... Sorry. That just tickled me.
What's wrong with that, dear?
That don't sound right.
"Held up my ring."
Oh, Christ.
And just as he was about to speak, Gav came out.
Gavin!
Gavin's fault, Julie.
Smithy walked away, left me on one knee.
Oh!
Oh, she never responded to her then.
Smithy don't deserve her after that.
You got to promise me...
..you won't tell no-one.
Stacey can't keep a secret to save her life.
Not a soul.
Promise.
You've got to be kidding me.
No!
THEY LAUGH
Straight to the husband.
"You'll never guess what, Gav."
You can't say a word to anyone,
and certainly not Smithy.
Why is this all coming out now?
Oh, he's gone straight to Smithy and told him.
Why haven't you told me? I didn't tell anyone.
It's not like I didn't tell you "pacifically".
"Pacifically"? He's so me, you know.
He's actually so me.
Did he say "pacifically"?
Yes, yes, that's part of the jokes.
I've had a gutsful of this place, Stace.
Oh! That's typical Welsh, innit?
"I've had an absolute bloody gutsful."
What, the slots?
No, Barry.
It might be time for pastures new.
GASPS You can't leave Barry.
Oh, you're not going, Nessa. You can't.
Is it because of Smithy?
Cos he's getting married?
Maybe.
Yeah. She's done, ain't she? Nessa's done.
I've never seen Nessa so vulnerable.
I'll be OK.
I just never thought he'd go through with it.
Oh, Nessa.
Neither did we, Ness.
No. I'm still not sure he will.
Oh, here she comes, Sonia.
She is a dick, but she looks gorgeous.
Oh, this is going to be hard to watch, isn't it?
Oh.
Hi.
You look amazing.
Why are you wearing those shoes?
What? "Why are you wearing those shoes?"
She wants to mould him into something he's not.
He never does nowt right.
He doesn't, does he?
Why is he marrying her? Control freak.
Because he thinks he's bettering himself.
That's what he thinks.
It's my privilege
to welcome you all here to celebrate the marriage of Neil and Sonia.
Is that the woman from Motherland?
Yeah. She gets about.
Wow.
She's got all the jobs nowadays, ain't she?
If anyone knows of any just cause or impediment
why these two persons should not be joined in marriage,
please declare it now.
JANE SQUEALS
Get ready, Jane, you're going to have to shout if no-one else does.
Don't even think about it.
Pam's dying to get up and shout summat!
Oh, God. Please, Nessa, just come in.
Oh, don't think she will.
Do you have the rings, Gavin.
Someone say something.
Someone just say it.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Sorry.
BOTH: Oh! Oh, come on, Gav. Come on.
I've got to say something.
Oh, my Christ.
"Oh, my Christ."
Iconic. Please.
Come on, Gav.
Come on, lad.
I don't... What's he doing?
Is everything OK, Gavin?
I think you might be making a mistake.
Ah!
GASPS Yes!Yes!
And I should have said something before
and not just gone along with it, and I'm sorry.
Gavin, what's going on?
Sonia, I apologise.
I just don't think it's right.
Oh, my God.
Go, Gavin.
And I'm not the only one who thinks this.
There's a lot of us, isn't there?
SILENCE
Oh, that would be my luck, that would.
Paige would get me sat up there like a lemon
and you and her would be sat...
This is highly irregular.
"I don't know what you're fucking talking about."
Neil, would you like to continue, given that Gavin...?
Yes. Of course he does. Christ.
Yes. Yeah. Yes, I want to continue.
Right. Very well. No!
Oh, you silly man.
Gavin's right, Smithy.
Are you sure this is what you want?
Oh. Bryn.
TREMAINE AND TWAINE: Oh, here we go.
Yes. Come on, Bryn.
I'm sorry, but I don't think it's right for either of you.
Oh, my God. Stacey!
Come on. Oh! Oh, they're all getting up.
I agree, mate.
Wahey! Oh! Go on, Pete.
I would now like to ask the congregation
if you believe Neil and Sonia
should NOT become husband and wife today,
could you please stand?
They're having a vote. I know, yeah.
What are you doing? Are you insane?
Come on! Stand!
Come on, Jason. Come on, Pam.
MUSIC: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane
Oh, once Pam's gone...
His boy's getting up an' all. Neil.
Yes! Yes!
All of them!
Oh, my God. Everyone is standing up.
Even the bridesmaids!
I feel a bit sorry for Sonia, really.
No, don't.
Sonia, would you like some...? Just... Just do the bloody vows.
Oh. No!
"Just do the bloody vows"?
He don't... He loves Nessa.
I, Sonia, take you, Neil... Hang on. Wait.
Mick? Mick? Mick. Yeah.
Oh, he's asking Mick.
The thing is, this is actually fucking making me a bit emotional.
It's making me... It's getting me.
Cos he's asking... Mick and Pam are like his mum and dad, really.
Jesus.
Get up, Mick.
Come on, Mick.
You know it, Mick.
You know. He loves Mick.
Mick, what are you going to do?
Yes, Mick. Yes, Mick.
Oh! Mick's up.
Oh, my God. Fucking hell.
Are people actually saying that he shouldn't be marrying me. Hello?!
ALL: Wow.
Oh, no.
There's her true colours.
What's that supposed to mean?
You said it yourself.
Everyone tells you you're punching above your weight.
Oh, wow.
Right, it's all coming out now.
We are getting married
and the sooner we do, the sooner we can get this lot out of our lives.
Oh, this is what I mean. She don't want any of them in her life.
No. She just wants what's hers, what she wants.
I don't think you love me.
What? GASPS
Oh, I'm glad he's seen it, Simon,
because I don't think she loves him.
I don't think I love you.
CHUCKLES
I don't think this is what love is.
I think we're just going along with it.
You ain't going to find better than me, Neil.
Oh, fucking watch me.
Who do you think you are?
I already did.
Oh! He already did.
17 years ago in Leicester Square.
Bryn, what time does she leave?
Who? GASPS
Sorry, Smithy? What time does her boat leave?
5.45, from Southampton.
Oh, why am I looking at my watch?
Gav, we've got to go.
Yes! I really am so sorry.
Yes.
Come on.
Go on, son.
Yes.
Oh, this is marvellous.
Oh, there she is.
Nessa! There we are. Nessa!
Nessa! Don't get on the boat!
Oh, Mick, I can't take the strain.
All right? "What's occurring?"
Surely, one last time.
Oh! What's occurring?
Go on, my son.
Come on, Smithy.
Tell her how you feel.
This is your time now.
Five years ago, on Christmas Day, you asked me a question
and I didn't answer you.
I know. And I've thought about it every day.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I left you hanging.
I wasn't ready, I suppose,
but I am now.
Oh!
Oh, it's a bit too late. I've got a new bloke... No, it's not. Shut up.
I guess what I'm saying is...
Ask me again.
"Ask me again"?
I'd tell him to piss off.
I'm saying, "You can ask me now."
He's ballsed that right up!
No. Oh, don't.
Why did I know she was going to say...?
Don't you spoil my Christmas now.
I only ever ask once.
You had your chance.
You never took it.
Oh. Good girl.
You ask her then, you silly man.
You can't do this.
Come on, you can't do it! Nessa!
I don't know what it is or why it is,
or when this thing that was nothing
became something,
and right now is everything.
But it did.
Oh, he's doing a Hugh Grant waffle.
But I love you, Nessa.
BOTH: Whoa!
Oh, man.
I always have.
I mean, not always,
but most of the time.
THEY LAUGH
Don't ruin it.
That's it.
You don't have to ask me.
I'll ask you.
Oh. The right thing. Go on.
Yeah, ask her.
OK. It's making me cry.
Nessa...
"Will you marry me?"
Come on, Ness. Go on, kid.
..I love you.
Will you marry me?
Don't say, "No."
Just say, "Yes."
Please say, "Yeah," Ness.
Please. Don't say, "No."
I...
..Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins,
take you... Neil Noel Edmund Smith...
BOTH: Aww!
Yes!
Oh, yes.
..from this day forward.
Oh, God.
For richer, for poorer.
Till death us do part.
Oh, it's making me cry.
Oh, you big wimp. I'm not crying.
Much!
Which just leaves me to pronounce
that they are now, finally,
husband and wife.
BOTH CHEER
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Woo!
This is literally the best Christmas.
This is a really good ending
to a really good Christmas Day.
Yes! You may now kiss the bride.
No. What? What?
Sorry? We don't...kiss.
Never have. Never will.
Just not something that we do.
THEY LAUGH
I forgot about this, you know. That is so funny.
Knew it!
CHEERING
THEY EXHALE
That's made my Christmas, that has.
I know.
I think it's the most rewarding thing I've ever seen,
even though I wasn't interested in them before.
Oh, Lee, it's so emotional.
And I mean everybody... Oh, I popped myself in the eye.
LEE LAUGHS
It's a bit like that film,
It's a Wonderful Life with James Stewart,
where the...
SOBBING: ..whole village
comes to his house to say
what they feel about him.
You don't tend to get "emosh" as often as you used to, Mary.
Mary, whenever... I know why you don't get so "emosh".
Because the Queen's dead. Cos the Queen's dead
and she was always the one that triggered it. Triggered it.
Look, even the name of the Queen, Mary.
In Leeds...
Do you reckon Nat's going to propose to me on Christmas Day?
Well, it's one of them.
You shouldn't really dwell on it too much
cos you might let it spoil your Christmas.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
Well, he fucking better not propose to me this Christmas
with this gammy finger.
Imagine t'picture on Facebook.
I'd have to crop my finger out.
That'd be just your luck.
Yeah! That would be just your luck.
Waited seven years...
Eight years, is it now?
Yeah. ..for a proposal,
and he proposes to you and your finger looks like that.
Yeah. Scratch that.
I hope he don't propose to me this year.
BULLSEYE THEME PLAYS Over the weekend before Christmas,
ITV took us on another trip down memory lane.
What is it?
Oh, my God! Bully's Star Prize!
I remember this from the '80s.
The '80s?! The '80s...
Fucking... That was ages ago!
This won't have the same '80s vibe.
There won't be the casual racism and misogyny.
Good old days.
Yeah. We do miss that.
I think you would have been the dart player
and I would have been the non-dart player
cos you was good... I can't believe I'm saying that.
Yeah, but you're thick as well so we wouldn't even get to the final.
MUSIC: Chase The Sun by Planet Funk
It's a bull's-eye!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
And here's your super-smashing host,
Freddie "Double Top" Flintoff.
Oh! It's Freddie!
Oh, I like Freddie Flintoff.
Wagwan, Freddie, yeah? He's looking sharp.
It's time to reveal Bully's Famous Prize Board.
It's always shite prizes on bully.
Now this is the chance for you to see some really naff prizes, Mary,
because I think I remember in the past thinking,
"Oh, I'd rather not have that."
In one...
Here we go, Shirl!
"In one..."
You're not going to do all eight.
Top of the range Pixel 9 fold phone from Google.
Look at that, flip top phone.
Oh, nice! Oh, look at that!
That's not bad! Good prize.
That's worth a few hundred.
Well, that's worth having, isn't it, Nutty?
I don't... Maybe.
In five!
"In five!"
It's an American-style fridge freezer full of McCain chips.
Oh, now that's a nice prize. Oh, now that's a nice one.
Oh, my God, look at all them hash browns and chips!
And Bully's Special Prize...
Enjoy a stunning trip to Cornwall...
Ooh! ..thanks to Great Western Railway.
Bloody Cornwall?!
Christ, I thought it was somewhere abroad.
Cornwall, you know, on the Great Western Railway.
Travel down on the Riviera Sleeper service.
Oh, how lovely.
That's my dream to sleep on a train, Ron.
Is it? It is.
Is it a prize or a forfeit, this?
In this game, Tony gets six darts and Kenny gets three darts.
Are they famous, those two people?
No. Those are members of the public, Mary.
Tony, you are throwing first.
Are you any good at throwing darts?
Oh, I... Would you need to stand on a step
to get level with the board?
Probably, yeah.
That's red. It's number two.
Red, number two!
That's red. It's number one.
BOTH: The smartphone!
God, he ain't doing bad here, is he?
How are two of them going to win one mobile?
It's a flip top. They'll have to sort it out.
Now, Kenny, it's your turn.
Yeah. Now, just settle into it.
Kenny... Kenny's the non-player.
Hold on, hold on, Kenny.
Do not throw that dart.
Oh! What's he doing?
Kenny, how would you like Luke Littler
to throw those darts instead of you?
Oh, yes! I thought so.
Oh, Luke Littler would win me them trains.
MUSIC: Chase The Sun by Planet Funk
Go on, Luke.
It fascinates me that he's, like, 17
but somehow looks like a 50-year-old father of three.
What number would you like him to go for?
He wants the fridge freezer.
I'll have the trip to Cornwall, please, Luke.
You will, not him. You will.
That's your prize, yeah.
Make it one way, please.
One way.
"One way."
Marvellous banter, isn't it, Nutty?
That's the bull's-eye!
Bull's-eye!
HE SINGS JINGLE
It's the trip to Cornwall!
Pack your bucket and spade.
Do you know what I like about Bullseye is,
they've kept it authentic in the fact
that it's still shite?
Yeah, it's the exact same.
Yeah. I love it.
You wouldn't want to change that.
No. That's the fundamentals, really.
In Derby...
I played Santa once.
I still don't get how you played Santa.
It's easy. I wore a Santa suit, a white beard.
I put a cushion in my...
In my tunic and that was it.
And then spoke in Santa's voice.
..the Siddiquis.
Go on. Ho, ho, ho.
That's it. You're Asian though.
You should go...
WITH AFFLICTION: Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
What's wrong with Santa?
"Oh-ho!"
I'm a progressive Santa. Yeah.
Just before Christmas,
There was a canine cracker on Channel 4.
Chilli, are we going to put this one on?
This is your favourite programme. Put it on it.
Good girl.
Oh! The Doghouse.
That's where you reside at Christmas, isn't it?
Yeah.
WHISTLING
You do know this is going to be really, really bad?
Because now we don't have a dog,
I'm going to want to get every single dog that's on there.
I want to get a rescue dog next.
You said, "I, Ellie Warner, have enough dogs."
Well, yeah, I do have enough dogs for now.
Georgia, a Saluki cross, is being brought back to Woodgreen...
Oh, no! Oh, why?
..after struggling to cope with the external noises
at her new home.
Look at the poor dog's face,
thinking, "I'm back here again."
The environment outside my house
is just not for her.
Move then.
I really love her.
I want the best for her.
Absolutely. Yeah.
Oh, what a shame. Oh.
She's doing the right thing, isn't she?
Goodbye, darling.
Thank you for bringing her in.
Bye-bye.
GEORGIA WHIMPERS
Oh.
In all fairness, I might cry at this. This is sad.
Get you a nice home, shall we?
Yes. Oh, don't.
Oh, my God, I've become one of those...dog people.
Can you feel it? Is your heart, like, breaking for Georgia?
Come on then, monkey. Come on then.
Oh. Disabled wheelchair user person.
Oh, God.
I love Mona so much.
She looks quite old, Lee.
Which... What? The dog?
No, the dog cos she's got whiskers, hasn't she?
A bit like me.
Looking for a furry friend for a bit of festive fun
are Ellen and Mona.
Oh, they've come for another dog, have they?
We lost her sister in Christmas last year.
Oh. Oh, no.
Oh, I bet Mona's really missed her sibling.
Una was a Saluki cross.
She was a lovely old woman.
Georgia's a Saluki cross, is she?
She was.
# Did you hear what I hear? #
# I heard what you heard. #
Right. Well, we'll go and have a look. See what we can find.
They're going through t'filing cabinet now.
"What have we got in?" "What have we got in?"
We did find a lovely dog called Georgia.
It's the dog that got dropped off.
So, Georgia is actually a Saluki cross.
"Do you mind returns?"
Should we go and find your doggy friend?
Yes! Yes!
It sounds like a match made in heaven, this,
if it all goes well.
Aw! Oh, here she comes.
Jumper on. Nice.
Please like each other.
Oh, look at Mona's tail.
I'm just seeing Mona's little tail.
I'm trying not to cry.
Aw!
What do you think?
What do you think, Georgia?
Georgia's taking a while to warm up, isn't she?
Yeah. Of course.
GEORGIA BARKS
Oh! Oh! Oh!
GEORGIA BARKS
Oh, get back! She's not happy, is she, Georgia?
No! Georgia. Sit!
I know it's very scary, isn't it?
BARKING
Oh, no.
She's spiky cos she's scared,
not because she doesn't like her.
Might be better if Ellen comes in.
What, and Ellen can calm Mona down a bit, can't she?
Hiya, mugs.
Come say hello, poppet.
That's really good, Georgia.
Oh, Georgia's gone over to say hello.
That's a good sign.
Come on then.
You are... Your little waggy tail,
you are so cute.
George is looking like she wants to get up, ain't she?
Yeah. You going to say hello?
Oh. Look at that!
Come on, Georgia.
Try and come up. Come on then. Oh, look.
Oh, Mona.
Oh, no!
Oh, my word. One up, one down.
Is Mona jealous that Georgia's getting some fuss?
She's a proper soppy dog, isn't she?
She is, yeah. She's comfortable with you.
Georgia really likes Ellen, doesn't she?
Yeah.
So that's working.
Come on. Come on, come on, Mona.
Look, see? That's better.
GASPS Yes.Good girl.
You funny girls.
Good girl.
BOTH: Aww! They're kissing.
There we are. We're sorted.
Didn't take long, did it?
No.
Zoomies. This is what we needed!
Did we just need mum in the picture?
Oh, yay!
They're playing! The zoomies!
Oh!
Oh, look at them.
They love each other.
Oh, are they going to bark a lot like that, though?
Yeah! Well...
I'm not sure about that.
Do you think, if you substituted lonely people for dogs...
..people would adopt a lonely person?
Oh, you mean like a Battersea Dogs Home
for lonely people? Yes. It's a marvellous idea.
And then well-wishers could go around just before Christmas
and invite them to join them.
Yes. If they like the look of them.
And then if they like the look of them
and they got on really well, they could have... Keep them.
..giant kennels for them, Mary.
In Blackpool...
Here you are, Pedders, get the antlers on.
Why have I got to wear this helmet?
Because I'm doing the ring toss.
..Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
All right. Are you ready?
Yeah.
Are you even aiming for them?
No. You've got to aim for...
SOPHIE LAUGHING
You deserve that.
Yes. Losing an eye for Christmas.
As the big day approached,
we had a visit from A Ghost of Christmas Past
on BBC Four.
I need to put mum on puddings.
Oh, yes.
Does she know this yet?
No, she doesn't know yet.
And what should I say to her,
it's Marks's only? Yeah.
No, home-made, tell her.
Do you want 'owt she's made?
Fanny Cradock.
She's old school.
Who's Fanny? She's the OG.
She's a cook.
She's not a chef.
She's a cook.
Do you like bossy women?
I've never known anything different.
Hmm!
MUSIC: In Dulci Jubilo by Mike Oldfield
I do not remember her.
You will when you see her.
What a name.
"Fanny Cradock Cooks for Christmas."
"Royal mincemeat."
Oh, my God, what's she going to be cooking?
Hello. Oh, my God.
Who is this?
I remember her!
Be with you in a minute.
"I'll be with you in a minute."
Fuck off.
In the programme, we were all trying to keep up
with Fanny's Christmas menu
as she headed to the hob.
Butter...
..and a proper omelette pan, I've got here.
What is she going to do for us?
The butter turns brown,
and that's the right moment to dip your egg mixture in.
What's she doing? Egg?
Now, the egg mixture is, in fact, just eggs.
What are you making, love?
Is she cooking us an omelette? Yeah.
Is this a Christmas omelette?
Pick up the frills as they form round the outer edge
with the flat of the fork.
SHOUTING: I'm going to be noisy now,
so I'm going to stop talking!
OK! JANE LAUGHS
Thanks for the heads up, Fanny!
Shake!
Scoop, scoop.
"Scoop, scoop."
LOUD RATTLING
What the...? Fucking hell, Fanny!
Fucking hell!
RATTLING
Now you will want to turn down your heat.
Right.
That's not cooked. That's raw, that.
Because you don't want it to get like leather
while you're putting in the mincemeat.
Oh. What?
No! "Mincemeat"?
What the fuck is she doing?
JANE LAUGHS
So you put the mincemeat over the surface in the centre.
Raw egg and mincemeat.
Oh! Give over, Fanny. What?
You're adding mincemeat to that, you mad bastard?!
She is.
Now, then.
Over with that chap.
Oh.
That honestly looks like a Bushtucker Trial.
And chip pan and omelette at sharp angles to each other.
"And find the bin and pour it in."
But I always feel it looks a bit naked like that.
What's she putting on there now?
So I like to dust it with sifted icing sugar.
Icing sugar on top of the omelette.
Are you all right?
And there it is.
'Kin' hell.
They've put about a kilo of icing sugar on top.
Oh, God. Who's eating that?
Get a damp cloth. Because one of the disfiguring things, I think,
is when you sift the icing sugar on,
and then you've got...
..an unsightly rim around the edge.
Oh, you can't have an unsightly rim at Christmas, Lee, can you?
It'd be unsightly after eating that, I'll tell you that for nothing.
Let's remember something about omelettes.
Something utterly and totally vital.
Oh. Oh, yes. Right. OK.
What I want you to bear in mind at all times...
Yes, please. This is important stuff, Julie.
That you shouldn't eat that ever. Ever.
Because I want you to see when you serve it.
Now, I want to se this.
That that still is wet in the middle.
Oh!
My fave.
There must have been a lot of strong bellies back in 1975, man.
Strong bellies, blud.
So, like Tiny Tim,
God bless you all, I say.
Goodnight.
Look at that, Shirl.
A veritable feast.
Oh, Fanny.
THEY LAUGH
She was one of a kind, Fanny Cradock.
She certainly was.
In North London...
You know, Amira, the other day I was, like, to Khaled,
"Like, how has it been working with Amira?"
And, you know, he said to me, he goes,
"It's been hell,"
that he's been suffering.
And he said, all this.
Yeah.
..sisters Amira and Amani.
He did say you do scream a lot.
I scream a lot, yeah.
At people. Yeah.
What?
OK. He might have noticed a tantrum or two of mine.
OK. He should be really telling you these things.
What happened inside stays inside.
So I don't know why he's telling you all this.
Yeah, he told me everything.
He said I scream a lot?
That you're not nice to the people there as well.
I am nice, I got them doughnuts last week.
In the Countdown to Christmas,
Netflix warmed us up
with a brand-new romcom.
I love Christmas films.
I especially like dead cheesy ones.
Oh, you'll love this one then.
It's pure cheddar.
"Hot Frosty" is an oxymoron.
You're an oxymoron.
Is it about a snowman?
Got to be.
Hello!
Kathy! What are you doing here?
Oh, it's like a charity shop.
Oh, here we are, Shirl, like home from home for you.
So, how are you doing, honey?
Oh, good. Yeah. Doing really good.
The diner's keeping me really busy.
And, um... Outside of work?
"Outside of work"?
When I was younger, my mother always wanted me to meet someone.
She always used to say,
"You'll never find the warmth
"unless you venture out into the cold."
Oh, she's telling her to start looking around for a partner.
By the time she got to the end of that sentence,
I'd have started fretting, Nutty, and said, "Must crack on."
Yeah. "I've got lots of other errands to do.
"I'd love to stay chatting all day,
"but I simply haven't got time."
MAGICAL JINGLE
Whenever you hear that sprinkle music,
that means something magical has happened, Dad.
Right? That's going to be a magic scarf, that is now, Shirl.
You can tell.
Yeah.
# I can't sleep... #
These are some epic snow sculptures.
Hello!
# Baby, it's you. #
Now, clearly you've been doing your push ups.
Who even made that one?
Now, that is my type of snowman!
Look at those pecs.
Who's got time to make a Calvin Klein model out of snow?
There you go. Cover your...
Cover your shame, mate. Cover your shame.
MAGICAL JINGLE
Oh, there was a little twinkle in his eye, then.
What's going to happen, Jane? What's going to happen?
I bet he comes to life, Nutty.
Oh, no.
Oh, here comes the cheesy magic.
This is where I run home.
Look. The hair.
So, what, is he going to be naked?
It's a naked man.
Look, I told you he'd come to life.
You watch now.
He'll be the best looking thing since sliced bread.
LEE LAUGHS
Oh!
God! Fuck off!
What's that face?
Seriously?
SIMON LAUGHS
Ooh. He's a bit of all right, isn't he?
Oh, I prefer him stiff, do you?
SMIRKS
Is he walking around with his bare arse out?
Put some clothes on!
Hello!
Hi, there. Uh-oh.
Couple of pensioners out for a walk.
This is the last thing they need to see.
DOG BARKING
What was that? I'm not sure. Let's investigate.
"Let's investigate." SHE wants a closer look!
I bet she does.
If you did that around where I live, you get arrested -
even at Christmas.
CHATTER
I can move my arms.
That's him. She doesn't realise, does she?
I love...talking.
It is... It's amazing.
Look, there he is. She'll recognise the scarf.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. It's... It's you.
How would you feel if that happened to you, Jane?
I'd run a mile.
There's a little bit of chemistry going on, though, isn't there?
Are these two going to end up together?
Yeah. I think that's where it's going.
This is your idea of hell, isn't it?
Literally.
I love movies like this.
The cringier, the better. That's what I think.
After being arrested by the town sheriff
for streaking in the streets...
Can you just...just turn the temperature down?
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
To keep you cool.
Oh, he's going to melt, Steve.
Has nobody mentioned to the cop that he's a snowman? Uh-uh.
..Jack found himself in a spot of bother.
Jack. Jack!
Jack! Oh, my God, look at him.
He's dying. Quick! Put him in the fridge.
He's leaking, bro.
CHATTER
Let us out! Just let us out! Yep, yep.
Get him out! Get him cold.
That sheriff,
he's got water on his hands.
He has.
Not blood, water.
Come on. You're a doctor. Do something.
Do what?
Chuck a couple of snowballs at him.
I'm sorry, but what's a doctor going to do for a snowman?
The fuck?
I mean, it's crazy.
It's been two weeks, and I know...
I'm a rational person,
but I am...
I am falling in love with you.
Fucking filling up here, me, Julie.
Well, that won't help because you need to say something cold
and cold-hearted, isn't it?
Not hot stuff, like that.
"Not hot stuff."
Kathy...he's gone.
Oh. He's gone. She's not even checked his pulse.
What kind of doctor are you?
Diagnosed from a five-metre distance.
She's not laid a finger on him.
Doctor says, "Dead."
Oh, don't tell me he's going to come back now.
If I know my magical films,
the kiss is all you need.
Let's go, honey.
Let Sheriff Hunter take care of this.
They're not all leaving him there, are they?
Aye, they've got things to do, man.
They've got Christmas to get on with.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting.
So once they all turn away...
Kathy?
Oh! He's there.
He's alive.
He's like Jesus. It's a Christmas miracle!
CHATTER
APPLAUSE
I thought you were dead.
We all thought... Well, we didn't think he was dead, did we?
JANE CHUCKLES
Are you all right, Jane? Is it a bit too much?
"I thought you were dead."
"That fucking idiot over there said you were dead."
"And that's our GP.
"She cut Frank's leg off last week.
"Questioning that now."
"He only had an ingrown toenail."
In Hull...
Do you know summat, Jenny?
I haven't got my regifting bag any more.
I don't do it now.
I've seen people with my present I've bought you.
LEE LAUGHS
..best friends Jenny and Lee.
"Oh, look what Lee and Steve got us."
I'm thinking, "Well, I got him that last year."
And like the friend I am,
I never mentioned it.
Didn't you? Really? Yeah.
God. You did buy us some shit.
Over the festive period,
more cake was being baked
to appear as something fake on Netflix.
Is it cake?
I think I can safely say it's not cake.
It's a rock cake.
It's... Cheese.
Cheese?!
OK. Shall we waste some more time?
I'd love to waste some more time.
What is it this time, Nutty?
"Cake..." "Is It A Cake"?
Oh.
I don't know if you know this, Simon,
but many years and years, and years ago...
..I made a penis cake for someone's birthday.
Thankfully, it wasn't my birthday.
Here we go, bakers, it's time to figure out
what each of you is baking today.
I bet it's a cake.
Johnny! I think I'm going to go with the ice skate.
Oh! That's a bit ambitious.
Oh, do you think? This is...
I'm a content creator.
I'm an influencer, I make videos.
"I'm everything. You name it. I do it all."
He's a cake influencer,
and he's been on the show before.
He's really good.
So many kids and families
are inspired by stuff they see on the show,
things they've seen on my social media.
Oh, Shaun, you'd love that.
A pair of Crocs.
I do follow this guy, actually.
But I've never made an ice skate cake before.
There's a lot of structure that has to happen to this cake.
It's very similar, though, isn't it?
It's a piece of footwear.
If he's done a Croc, he can do a skate.
Man, this sole is going to be harder than I thought.
How the hell would you make a sole out of cake?
SQUELCH AND CRACK Oh. Something cracked.
Oh, it's not looking good. That's not looking stable, is it?
The ice skate SOLE is breaking and my SOUL is breaking.
His "soul" inside is breaking.
Apparently.
They take this seriously.
Johnny's deep.
I'm pretty devastated.
Oh. He's crying.
Christ, it's only a cake, love.
All I want to do right now is, like, throw in the towel.
You don't have to throw in the towel yet.
You've still got two hours, 46 minutes and 55 seconds.
I let it set. It looks good.
It's not breaking.
Now, that's looking better.
Far more stable.
I'm really hoping that I can make up for lost time.
Oh. That's amazing.
Hey, it's coming to look like a boot, innit?
A bit later, it was time to see if the judges
could spot Johnny's cake amongst four other ice skates.
Bakers, you finished your snow day cakes.
Now it's time to see if you can make your way through to the finale.
I like this bit. I like this bit.
This is the best bit, innit? You always get it wrong.
I know. You'd be eating fucking rubber.
I know. Cake wall, spin.
Bring on the cakes.
Hey, we don't get long, you know.
Let's see if you can find it.
Ooh, let's have a look now.
Your time starts now.
Oh, my God, that's actually quite hard.
Fucking hell. Where's my glasses?
Go on, zoom in.
One looks too perfect.
Don't mislead us.
Is that a cake? That looks like a cake.
The lace on one looked like real lace.
Yeah. They do.
The laces on one look like real laces.
And the heel's very thick and his wasn't.
Two was just too dirty.
That's got cake vibes, innit?
Oh, fucking hell, that looks like cake an' all.
I think it's two.
I can actually see the jam filling.
It might not be, you know.
I feel like it's four
cos it's a little wider than the rest of them.
Oh, yeah. Oh. It's four.
Yeah. It's four. Jesus Christ, it's melting.
Look at the state of it.
100%.
That looks like it's been assembled with a baseball bat.
Look at the sole on it.
Five seconds. Five, four...
Four. Two.
This is really hard. They all look shit.
What are you going for?
Four is cake.
I'm going three is cake.
Judges, that was intense.
Right. They've chosen number four.
I mean, come on.
It's 100% number four, isn't it?
Is it cake?
Is it? Is it cake? Is it cake?
My God. It IS cake.
It IS cake!
Oh, yes. It's cake.
I'm actually not mad.
Like, I'm so grateful.
When someone says, "I'm actually not mad,"
they're mad. Yeah. Yeah.
"I'm so OK right now."
"I'm not."
"I'm so happy."
In Wiltshire...
That's a very, very good idea, Mary.
What is?
I could have the ultimate Christmas one-upmanship.
A corkscrew hazel wreath.
..Giles and his wife, Mary.
This one's already a bit bendy.
OK. Shall we test it to destruction, Nutty?
Look how bendy that is.
Uh-oh.
Mary... Didn't you make a tepee once? Look!
Quite by accident, Mary...
Yeah. ..we've got the outline of President de Gaulle.
Let's see it.
Oh, very much.
President de Gaulle, Mary. Yeah.
You've got the outline of President de Gaulle.
Silhouette portrait.
This year, Channel 4 was bringing all the festive feels
with a special Christmas edition of this.
Mine and Nat's dates now consists of going to the garden centre
for summat to eat, for a carvery or a full English.
What was our first date like?
Perfect, wasn't it?
It was really nice. Yeah.
I really fancied you then.
Yeah. What happened?
MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carey
Will you be taking Paige out over Christmas?
Well, if you're willing to look after the kids, yeah.
Might have known!
Well, can't leave them in on their own.
Returning to the restaurant, and hoping for some magic
under the mistletoe,
is 30-year-old Isaac.
No, now, you see, that's put me off straight away.
Why is he wearing a fucking Christmas jumper?
Because maybe he ain't got none more 'kin' clothes.
I wouldn't go out with anybody who wears a Christmas jumper.
Last time, I might have overdid it
by talking about Pokemon a bit too much.
Textbook. We've all been there.
That'll do it.
How would you have felt if Nat had just talked nonstop
about Pokemon on your first date?
Well, at least he'd have fucking spoke.
I were going to say,
he didn't say two words on your first date, did he?
Ready to spread some Christmas cheer
is Isaac's date Rhiannon.
Rhiannon, yeah?
OK. She's all about Christmas.
I think we've cracked the case here.
Here you are. Enjoy.
Hi. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Nice to meet you.
Hi. Oh. Hang on.
He's a bit touchy-feely...
That's a nice hug.
That was a nice hug.
What's your...?
Take a seat.
Thank you.
SIMON LAUGHS
Brilliant.
Flattered. Absolutely flattered to meet you.
"Flattered"? No.
How old is your name?
I love the Christmas jumper.
Oh. Thank you. I'm glad you like it.
I'm glad it still fits.
Oh, they like each other, though.
I think Isaac really likes her.
He does. He's hit the jackpot.
I really like a nerdy guy.
I think, Rhiannon,
you could be in luck.
Oh... You're killing it.
You've got the right guy here.
Do you know? I don't suppose you know Pokemon.
Oh, no!
That lasted long, Isaac. Nice, mate.
Don't mention Pokemon.
She might like it, though.
Yeah. I do know Pokemon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always...
Yeah. You might hate me for this.
I've always been more on the Yu-Gi-Oh side.
GASPS
"Yu-Gi-Oh!"
Rivals. Yu-Gi-Oh?
I love Yu-Gi-Oh!
Oh! They've got such similar vibes and patter. Yeah!
So if we were out at a bar, like,
what would you be looking for in a guy?
Like, what kind of guy would...?
Do you mean, like, what's my usual type?
What's your usual...? Yeah.
So he's fishing there, ain't he?
Dangerous question.
My usual type is, like,
usually long hair.
Oh.
A beard. OK.
"Well, I can grow this. I can grow this."
"I'll grow all this out."
Like, sort of Viking-esque.
"Viking-esque."
I mean, he ain't giving Viking-esque, is he?
She wants Jason Momoa.
She's got Jason Orange.
Poor cow.
Oh, that's... That's amazing.
THEY LAUGH
He's just took a swift one to the nuts there.
Yeah. She's gone, "Woof!"
Straight in the nuts.
Would you like to see each other again?
Oh... Please say, "Yes."
This can either make or break our Christmas.
I know.
These two have got to see each other again.
I'm praying.
So, I was going to suggest a second date...
What...? Isaac! Let her say something, Isaac.
I was thinking a picnic in the park...
She hasn't said, "Yeah," yet, though, has she?
I will happily go to a picnic with you.
Oh! Aw, that's nice. Fantastic!
Oh, my God.
I'm going to cry.
They're the perfect match for each other.
I think you are absolutely super.
Oh! "Super!"
Oh, good.
Perfect, Mary.
Isn't that charming?
"Super" is a word I haven't heard since the 1970s.
I know.
FRED CLINKS GLASS
What's happening? What's Fred doing?
Christmas is a time to party.
And what do we do at Christmas?
We sing!
Do we? Oh, my God.
MUSIC: All I Want by Mariah Carey
# No, I... #
No way.
Oh, my gosh.
Course Isaac's up there on the bloody microphone.
Of course.
# There is just one thing I need... #
It's too much now, Julie.
Don't start fucking crying.
Oh, my God!
Jenny, you're all right. Oh!
He's getting a shag.
Bless him.
# All I want for Christmas...
# Is you... #
# ..you. #
MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade
Oh, that's good, that. I loved it.
That's a happy story, wasn't it?
Very. Now, we don't often get happy stories in Britain today.
Oh, nag off. Nag off!
What? No, I'm saying that,
isn't that nice to have a happy story for a change? Yes. Yes.
In Derby...
Guys, you won't believe it. I'm going to the dentist.
The first time in, like, three years.
And Mel booked the appointment, and guess what time?
..the Siddiquis. No, it isn't. It is. 2:30!
No way. It's booked for 2:30.
You're a fibber. You got that joke from a Christmas cracker!
Raza, I kid you not, man. It's proper.
2:30 I'm going. Like, "tooth-hurty".
It's true.
Yeah. I'm going to the dentist, too. I wish my time was 2:30.
Oh... Yeah. Forget it. You're jealous now, aren't you?
Yeah, I am. Mine's 12:40.
What are you gonna do with 12:40?
Nothing.
On the Wednesday before Christmas,
we set sail for our favourite nautical murder mystery
on Channel 5.
Good Ship Murder is the only Christmas present I need.
You know, it really is...
..just sensational.
Shayne Ward there -
singing, dancing and he can solve murders.
He's a good all-rounder.
Dubrovnik! We've been there.
Yeah, we went all round...
And that was on a cruise. It was, yeah.
So, I'm in the airport check-in,
and I look behind me and there's Santa
with a massive sack of presents.
What is this, stand-up comedy?
I said...
"Where's all your reindeers?"
BOTH: It's Minty from EastEnders!
Do you know what I love about this?
They've got all the waifs and strays from the soaps. I love it.
You're out of a job, get your arse on the cruise.
And he goes...
Well, you know Rudolph's red nose,
turns out to be Covid.
They're all in lockdown.
Is he meant to be funny?
When do the jokes start?
Yeah.
Oh, dear. He's dying a death up there, ain't he?
Where are you two going, sponsored walk?
They're all walking out.
He's going down like a lead balloon, isn't he?
Oh, bless.
Maybe we could get the magic act going again.
I could ring around some more booking agents.
Their act is..
..finitos.
Yeah. As they say in Dubrovnik.
Forget about the magic act.
These fingers ain't as fast as they used to be.
And let's be honest, no-one wants to see you in a leotard.
Wow. "No-one wants to see..."
"..you in a leotard."
Oh, dear.
Would you like to see me in a leotard, Ronnie?
Ronnie?
CHUCKLES
# I'm going on an adventure... #
Bring on the cheese!
Imagine how much the policy would be for t'travel insurance
if you were going on that cruise.
Be a fortune.
Nobody comes off it alive.
# I'm going on an adventure with you on my mind. #
It's almost like something that was made 30 years ago.
Yeah.
Before they had more up-to-date equipment.
In the festive-themed episode,
we saw Jack and his team trying to stop Christmas being cancelled
by finding someone to play Santa aboard the cruise.
Buddy, one bad night
doesn't mean it's the end of your career.
What about the other 50 bad nights?
There he is. Look at him.
It's your Father Christmas! Straight away!
Yes!
I'll have a coffee and a Rakia chaser.
Actually, hold the coffee.
It's all a bit too perfect, isn't it?
He sat down and he half looks like Santa already.
That's what I think.
Right, come on. We need to find a Santa.
How are you going to find the right one?
Through the power of Christmas.
Turn round, Shayne, Santa's behind you!
BOTH: Oh, no, he isn't!
Did I hear somebody say they were looking for Santa?
Oh, my God.
Christmas is saved!
See?
You've just got to believe.
Oh, you've got the job.
The magic of Christmas, Simon.
That was the easiest search I've ever seen in my life, that.
"We've got to find the Santa."
"Here's Santa."
So I said to Rudolph,
"We don't need your red nose any more
"because I've got Santa-Nav."
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! CHILDREN LAUGH
Oh, he does a good Santa, doesn't he?
He's found his audience for his jokes, isn't he?
He's doing very well as Santa, isn't he?
Yeah. Four-year-olds.
It looks like rain, dear. REINDEER!
Ho, ho, ho! PHONE RINGS
Speaking of which, this is probably Rudolph.
Oh, 'ey up! Who's this?
Oh. Maybe not.
Hang on. He recognises the number.
Oh, he's got a bad message there.
Oh, Santa's in the back alley here. That's not a good sign, is it?
What was that? What was that then?
Santa was getting murdered.
Oh. I'm sorry. "I'm sorry"?
Who is he talking to?
I'm really sorry.
HE GROANS
THEY GASP
Oh. He's been... Oh!
What's that sticking out of him?
Oh, Santa's been skewered.
Oh!
A bit later, and after a few wrong turns and a couple of red herrings,
Jack had figured out who done it.
You see, all of this has always been about
people missing people at Christmas.
Has it? Has it, Jack? Really?
Are we thinking it's Karen?
She's next under scrutiny.
If someone had said I'd look shit in a leotard,
I'd kill them with a Christmas tree.
He didn't want to tour with you no more.
Why has he said that?
FAUX MAFIOSO VOICE: "He doesn't want a tour with you no more?"
He met you to say goodbye, didn't he, Karen?
Oh!
Jack's like his in court now, ain't he?
It's like he's Poirot.
And he's the prosecutor.
This is BAFTA-worthy.
Absolutely.
I'm sorry. Oh, here it is.
I'm really sorry.
Oh! Oh, jeez.
It were Karen that murdered him.
It was an accident.
Yeah, I'd have said it was an accident.
She didn't mean it. She just pushed him.
He fell on a tree.
Oh! It's accidental death
by Christmas tree.
Please don't let this ruin your Christmas.
"I hope it hasn't spoilt your Christmas."
Of course it has.
Why he's fannying about onboard a cruise ship beggars belief...
I know. ..because he's got to be one of the finest detectives
ever to roam this planet. Yeah.
Jack Grayling, will you please bring Christmas home?
CHEERING
BOTH: Here we go.
Best part of the show.
This is what it's all about for me.
Time for the sing-song.
Oh, no. I'm dreading this.
# Ay, ay, ay
# Feels like fire. #
What is this song? It's not very Christmassy, innit?
Yeah. It's the Power Of Love
by Frankie Goes to Hollywood,
and also Gabrielle Aplin.
# Dreams are like angels
# They keep bad at bay, bad at bay
# "Bad at bay." #
Oh, he can sing.
# Scaring darkness away... #
Can we have some Christmas cheer for a change?
It's a bit dead for Christmas, isn't it?
Look! Imagine you have your Christmas dinner
and then you come... You come and listen to this after.
Just there like, "Rah, this is depressing."
# The power of love
# A force from above... #
Oh, Jack, you sing lovely.
It's extraordinary that this programme's popular, isn't it? Yeah.
VOCALISING
SINGS IN HIGHER REGISTER: # Make...
Whoo!
Fuckin' hell, he's turned into Barry Gibb.
He sounds like he's in agony. I know.
Frigging hell.
SONGS DRAWS TO CLOSE
Oh, thank God it's over.
"There's been two murders on this boat today."
THEY LAUGH
Remember when Shayne Ward was on X Factor and Mum was always saying,
"Oh, he's going to be Britain's answer to..."
Justin Timberlake. "To Justin Timberlake."
And now she's going, "Oh, he's amazing.
"He's been on the West End."
Yeah, because he got the wrong management.
If he would have had the proper...
If I would have managed Shayne Ward,
he would have been as big as Justin Timberlake.
Shayne is on a par with Jane McDonald now.
He's a cruise ship singer.
No, he isn't. Yes, he is.
No, he isn't. He'd just be singing on the cruise ship.
Jane McDonald is amazing and fantastic.
Shayne and Jane would get along great now
because they're both cruise ship...
Only thing is, like,
Jane can't solve fucking murders like Shayne.
# In a perfect world
# Singing out
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect, perfect world. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media