This programme contains strong language, adult humour
and some shocking scenes some viewers may find upsetting.
This is a nightmare. We'd never have bought them
if I knew you wouldn't be able to get them on.
- They're such a tight fit. - Oh, for God's sake. - It's probably because
I've got high blood pressure. And my feet are puffing.
- Don't say you're going to be trapped in these boots. - No. Um...
I literally am going to have to get a strong man...
Oh, no, they're coming, they're coming. That's fantastic, Mary.
Do you think I should have got size 11s?
THEY SCREAM
Her flabbers have been gasted.
You want some of...this?
All of this.
- Look. - Oh!
No!
Oh, now there's a controversial statement. The gravy.
SHE CACKLES
- Yes! - Yeah.
- Do you like this music? - No, not particularly.
So suck on that.
Oh, wow!
He's been a bad boy.
Don't ever take me to a restaurant like that.
Not a chance, Julie.
Oh!
Yes. Look at that.
He's had an absolute feast.
What?!
For a banana?!
This is insane.
Well, thank God that's over.
I've got a headache, Ron.
It is like putting chicken in a vodka tonic, this.
That's very modern, isn't it, Nutty?
- No-one saw that coming. - No.
In the week, a runaway reindeer named Buddy sparked
an emergency rescue operation in Formby,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
BBC One was treating us to some marvellous miniatures.
What are we going to be doing for you today, please?
Well, I would love to have a model made of the library
that I used as a child.
I do take Ezra to library to story time sometimes.
We haven't been for a while, to be honest.
Couldn't go this morning cos I had to go for me Botox top-up.
- Sorry, Ezra. - Sorry, Ezra. - No library for you. Mummy needs Botox!
Freddie Flintoff had us up for a game of darts on ITV.
- Graham, I heard that you used to be in the police. - I did, yeah.
And as you look around half of this Manchester audience...
LAUGHTER
- Don't worry, he's retired. - Yeah.
Is Freddie stood on something?
Like a milk crate?
I'm not sure. Remember, he was a cricketeer, wasn't he?
- Yeah. - So he's, uh, tall anyway.
- A what, what? - A cricketeer.
- You play cricket. - Cricketer. - Huh?
- Cricketer. - Not cricketeer?
- No. - Yeah.
That as well.
What is someone who plays football?
Footballeer.
And Ed Sheeran was giving it his best shot on Netflix.
And my song Perfect gets used for a lot of proposals,
a lot of weddings. So, um, I'm going to sing it.
He's going to propose. Hopefully, she says yes.
To be fair, I'm glad Ben didn't get Ed Sheeran
playing at our engagement situation.
I don't think he'd have been able to afford it.
Well, also, I'm not that big of a fan.
Yeah. You'd have probably preferred JLS.
Although they wouldn't have fitted into a hotel room.
Just me, Ben and JLS.
In Hull...
Oh. Do you know, I haven't opened
my advent calendar - 1st of December, innit?
..best friends Jenny and Lee.
Ooh.
Number one, where is it?
Why is it...? Who's opened this?
What?
I ain't opened it.
- You have. - I haven't.
What are you eat...?
I can tell - Look at your face. I can tell when you're lying.
You've already opened it, haven't you?
Oh, don't be greedy, Lee.
I thought I'd start it off for you.
- I thought I'd start it off for you. - LEE LAUGHS
- It's stuck to the roof of me mouth. - Good!
This week, a global superstar went
for a stroll around the Big Apple on Netflix.
Ed Sheeran was busking at his start, and you used to busk.
- Yeah, yeah. - So what went wrong?
Why are you sat with me?
I don't mind Ed Sheeran.
He's inoffensive. He's vanilla.
He's vanilla, is what he is. He's a crowd pleaser.
It's like he's doing a live gig on
the streets of New York, and it's all in one take.
PLAYS SHAPE OF YOU
Do you not remember there was a time when Shape of You
was on the radio and you could not avoid that for about five years?
It still is.
# I'm in love with your body
# Oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh... #
# Come on now, follow my lead
# Come, come on now, follow my lead... #
# I'm in love with the shape of you
# Like a magnet do... #
Sorry, I'm getting into it. I can't.
- You're doing too much. - I can't.
I'm very boring but I don't like this sort of music at all.
- Do you think if you kept listening to it, you'd like it? - No.
# I'm in love with... # You all good? You all good?
- Yeah, we're good. - Oh, we'll just finish there, then.
I don't really think he has to rehearse, though,
- do you, really? - Well, he might - it's to get the sound check.
Oh, all right, roadie.
Where are you going? Where are you going, Ed?
- Ah. - The story continues.
- Hey, man, how are you? - Good, how are you?
- Can you take me to the High Line, please? - Yeah.
Does he know who he is?
- Do you know who he is? - Do you know who he is? - That's Ed Sheeran.
This guy got in touch for... I have like songs that people use
in their weddings.
Oh, pick that one up.
- You're a bit of a name, like, are you? - Yeah. Who are you?
Who are you? I'll tell the wife when I get home.
She'll probably know who you are.
And this guy's going to propose to his girlfriend,
so I thought I'd go and surprise him.
Oh, my God, I would die.
What would you do if Nat proposed to you and Ed Sheeran showed up?
I mean, I feel like Ed Sheeran showing up would be more believable
- than... - Nat proposing.
# I found a love
# For me... #
- Wow. - He's just going straight into it.
Why is he singing it now?
Oh, I love this song - it makes me cry.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
# Darling, you look perfect tonight
Oh, did you see her? She went...
- Double take! - Flippin' hell! It's Ed Sheeran!
I tell you what, I would turn my mobility scooter round
and follow him, if he was doing this.
# To carry more than just my secrets... #
- This is the couple. Here's the couple. - There they are.
- Oh, they're there. They're there. They're there. - Oh, look.
# Of our own
# We are still kids
and we're so... #
- Oh! - Oh!
- Look. Goose bumps. Literally. - I know, I have.
I'd forget about the proposal.
I'd be like, "Forget this man, I'm here for Ed Sheeran."
- I'd be staring at him the whole time. - Yeah!
"Oh, my God, you're here."
- ED CONTINUES TO SING - You are the most amazing,
beautiful girl in the world.
Ed, can you shut up a minute? I can't hear what he's saying.
I got one question.
Will you marry me?
Oh, what's she going to say?
Course she's going to say yes.
Yes!
Oh, that is lovely.
Oh, she said yes.
Well, she couldn't hardly say no, could she?
Bloody hell, imagine he pulled out big guns with Ed Sheeran
and she said no.
ED CONTINUES TO SING
CHEERING
Oh, he's going in the Subway!
- Don't say he's patronising... - Yes. - ..some more people.
Yeah.
What's going on?
Oh, is he going to perform on the train?
I wouldn't appreciate that.
I'd already be overstimulated in that environment.
And then Ed Sheeran's there with his flippin' rinky-tink guitar.
- Do you guys want a song? - Yes.
"Would you like a song?"
- "Would you like a song?" - "Would you like a song?"
What else are you good for, Ed?
What about singing a song that we've actually heard of, Ed?
- Like Streets of London by... - Ralph McTell. - ..Ralph McTell.
# The sweet perfume of the mountain grass I rolled down... #
Do you know what? This feels a bit too orchestrated for me, this.
Because all these people are very glam.
- I just love her in the brown top! - Yeah.
To Castle on the Hill!
# Driving at 90... #
Get that guitar in your hand. Play me a bit of Ed Sheeran.
Right, what's it worth?
- What's it worth to you? - "Chuck me a tenner."
THEY LAUGH
- Erm... - I could hear it - I could hear it there.
- You could hear? - No, no, I could hear what that was. - First note.
# When your legs don't work like they used to before... #
Don't look at me when you play that, please. That's uncomfortable.
- Yeah, try not to lock eyes. - Mm.
In Caerphilly...
I don't know if you've noticed.
I like to take a hard boiled sweet to bed.
Yeah, I have.
..Dave and his wife Shirley.
You've got some Werther's out there, haven't you?
- Aye. - When do you buy them, then?
I can't remember, I bought them in the week. Specifically for
having a sweet to go to bed.
- Oh, right. - Because as I say goodnight...
- Oh, yeah, I know. - ..I go up there.
- Yeah. - And I... - You say, no, I'm going to bed now.
- I'm off, then. - Yeah, I know.
I think, "Thank fuck for that."
I can have what I fucking want on.
On Monday, it was all about the little things on BBC One.
Good things come in small packages.
That's what Mum always used to say to me when I was growing up.
I don't understand people that want to make things in miniature.
You just want it big.
I want everything big.
They say it's the little things that mean the most.
That's true.
And in this series, we're taking that to heart.
Oh, look at that.
This is up my mam's street, this.
She loves little shit like that.
The craft and skill of our team, of miniaturists...
Miniaturists.
- There's all sorts of ists now, isn't there? - Nudist. - Yeah.
Naturist. Miniaturist.
Yeah. Vapist.
..shines through in every delicate detail.
I've got stupidly fat fingers like Richmond sausages.
There's no way I could do anything like that.
Welcome to The Marvellous Miniature Workshop.
If I was going to have a model done, I think...
- Pontygwindy pub would be yours, wouldn't it? - What?!
Pontygwindy pub.
No. Not necessarily, Shirl.
All right.
Leah, welcome to the workshop.
What are we going to be doing for you today, please?
Well, I would love to have a model made of the library that I used
as a child.
- Aw. - Ooh.
- Oh. - Why?
Our library was good.
Why would you want
the fucking library?
- Well, because it brings back memories. - Sh!
I mean, they're always beautiful buildings, for a start.
- Not always... - No. No.
Are they? I'm not sure they're always beautiful buildings,
- are they? - No. Sturry Library certainly isn't.
- No, it's really not. - Sturry's got a library?
But there is another little bit to it.
- Oh, come on. - Oh, there's backstories, Mary.
I've got a feeling there's a backstory coming on.
My favourite memory is from when I was 14 and a little bit.
I met my husband there.
Oh.
Aw.
So she met her husband in library.
I've always wanted the scenario like that.
- Oh, my God. - We both reached for the same book. - Oh!
And he said something about university,
and I thought he had a place at university.
But when he turned round, I could
see his school cap sticking out of his back pocket.
He pretended to be older than he was.
And, unfortunately, he died just over three years ago.
- Oh, that's really sad. - That's sad.
- I'm so sorry for your loss. - So sorry.
"Anyway."
Anyway! Moving on. What do you want in this library, like?
Let's have a look at this one. Wow.
Oh, gosh. That's impressive.
- Fucking hell. I bet she's going... - FEIGNS GULPING
We're not going to be able to make this, love.
Hannah begins with the outer shell.
MDF walls are taped together to form the grand Edwardian reading room.
I could do that bit.
- What, Sellotaping bits of MDF together? - Yeah.
Then comes the intricate parquet.
Oh, look, she's doing parquet floor.
Oh, God, she's going the whole hog, Lee.
It takes five hours.
Five hours to do that floor? I'm not being funny,
I could probably floor a whole house in five hours.
Hannah is turning her attention to
the most important items in any library...
Books.
Toilets.
..the books.
Ah!
Hannah needs to make 3,000 of them.
3,000 books?!
Tiny jackets are printed in miniature on sticky paper
and wrapped neatly around each block...
Ohhh, it's making me eyes and me fingers go funny just looking.
Me too.
She's made little books, Teresa!
..and with incredible precision,
glues them into position on the shelves.
She's even put them in with tweezers.
And they all look so unique. None of them look the same.
That is amazing.
Now, it's time to find out if Hannah's managed to pull off
a storybook ending.
- Oh, she's gonna come and have a look at it now. - Oh, yeah.
For me, she better be in bits at this.
I'm talking wailing, screaming, crying.
Full scene.
Three, two, one...
- Oh, my God. - Wow. - That's pretty cool.
- Oh, that's smart. - Where's the roof?
She hasn't finished it!
Look at the detail.
That looks so good. I just want to be a miniature person
and go inside there, do you know what I mean?
You ARE a miniature person!
And there's one tiny detail
that's an extra-special surprise for Leah...
Brace yourself.
..the school cap.
Ohhh.
And the old school cap.
Aww, bless.
That'll set her off, Mary.
I've got tears. I've got tears.
Ohhh, she's welling up now.
I thought about you a lot, and Neil.
Thank you for letting me do this.
Honestly, thanks for trusting me.
It's a thankathon, Nutty.
Ah, that's lovely.
I could see myself being able to do that.
Yeah, you've got little, cute hands. I've got pianist hands.
Penis hands?
Pianist.
- Penis hands? - Pianist, like I'd be good playing the piano.
Pianist.
- Pianist. - Not "a penised". You sound like you're saying "penis".
"I've got penis hands."
In Wiltshire...
While you were in London, I've been busy,
and the extraordinary thing is this tree that I bought has been reduced.
Yeah, it's lovely, nutty. It's a lovely one.
- And, erm... - It's in very good condition.
Giles and his wife, Mary.
Can't you put it over in that corner?
Well, then, we lose Mrs Krang's armchair,
Mary, which is very nice for people to sit in that corner
with the reading light.
You put Mrs Krang's cupboard in room four...
Yeah, but it would take a day to empty the contents
of Mrs Krang's cupboard.
Just put it in front of the cupboard and move the table.
Oh, all right.
Won't that be in everyone's way and prickle people?
No, cos I think people would rather have their...
- They'd rather have it than not. - Yeah.
On Sunday night, our favourite darts-based quiz show
was back on ITV.
HE HUMS CHASE THE SUN
Here we go. You and darts.
# 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey! #
- Oh... - Oi!
Two of my favourite things, nutty - darts and trivia.
Mary?
You've spent so much time in London,
you don't know what I'm like any more.
- I... - Darts and trivia.
You've never been interested in darts since I met you
up to 60 years ago.
You'd be surprised how much I've changed
in the last six months, Mary.
I've rewired my brain.
I'm not as good as I was.
- You were shit. - No, I was not.
Holderness Ladies Champion, I'll have you know.
I've hit a couple of 180s in my time.
- You've done one. - I've done one. - You've done one.
- You done it in the flat. - I know, I know,
I couldn't believe it. You thought there was something going wrong.
I think 180, for me, there's no feeling like that in life.
I've never felt that way again.
I'm chasing that high forever.
In the programme, it was Zayia and Lee who had made it to the final.
There's eight red segments on the board
and a prize behind each one.
Here's what they're playing for tonight.
Some of the prizes are crap, in't they?
- I would say 95% of them are shite. - Yeah, yeah.
Cos who the frig wants a trouser press?
In one...
I mean, it was stopped for a reason, wasn't it, this programme?
You've got the power to DIY
with over £1,000 worth of Ryobi tools.
- I wouldn't mind that! - You wouldn't mind that! - Look at that!
I could do a lot of damage with that.
You could do lots of damage with that.
In four...
What else is there?
..you've got to roll with it with this pair of super, smashing skates.
- Roller skates? - Now, I wouldn't mind a pair of them.
- Oh, they're nice. - They're a bit of you.
- Brother, you've got a leotard that would go perfectly with that. - Yeah!
And Bully's special prize...
Oh, is it a holiday?
Tell me it's not Butlin's.
It's Butlin's, it's Butlin's.
..it's a family break, courtesy of Butlin's.
Butlin's?!
Butlin's!
- Ahh, Butlin's! - Bad boys go to...
Butlin's!
Keep out of the black and in the red.
There's nothing in this game for...
..two in a bed.
Two in a bed!
Huh?
Yeah, I didn't get that.
We're all behind you.
Up you step.
- Come on, lads. - Come on, boys.
- This is the darter now. - Oh, is it? Right.
- That's black. - Oh... - Oh, that's black.
Straight in the black. That'll do.
That's not good. He needs to be in the red.
- Black again. - Oh, another one!
- What's wrong with those darts? - Zayia!
And black. Unlucky.
- And black again! - Oh, no!
- Ohh... - Fucking hell, is he the darts player?!
Come on, Lee.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Come on, Lee. - You've gotta do better than Zayia.
Come on.
- Black. - Black.
- SHE GASPS - Oh, shit.
- Oh, black. - Black.
The red, Lee, the red!
Black again.
Black.
No!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, no, it's not going well.
Oh...
- What?! Stop it! - Specsavers, please.
- He's got glasses on! - Yeah, but they ain't working!
I actually don't think we've ever seen this before.
They've not won a single prize.
I bet they're gutted.
- Zayia, you've got the final three darts. - All right, come on, then.
Please get something.
- Black again. - Black.
Black again!
HE LAUGHS
- Come on, Zayia. - Oh, mate.
It'd actually be hard to get black this many times.
- Oh... - And black.
Oh, f...
Oh, that's nowt.
Oh, that's the first time
I've ever seen that!
- I've still got to ask you a big question. - Right.
Do you want to risk nothing...
Yeah.
..and take on one final challenge?
Score 101 or more with six darts
and you leave here with Bully's mystery star prize.
"Nah, to be honest with you, I want to go home with nothing!"
"I don't want to risk it, Fred!"
- Well, it's a no-brainer, isn't it? - What would you do, Jane?
Lee, you're first to throw.
Please step up to the oche.
- For goodness' sake. - Come on, Lee!
They've got to get something here, Simon.
- OK. - Here we go. Come on, Lee.
101 or more in six darts.
- 101 or more in six darts. - That's doable.
You could do that
with your eyes shut.
No pressure.
Or lots of pressure.
- Seven. - Seven. That's a good start for him.
"I like to get the seven out of the way early doors.
"Set me up nicely for a treble 20!"
- Oh... - Five.
Five!
They're hopeless.
That's 12.
And 19.
19. Not bad.
Yeah. If he gets 70, they win.
Is that possible?
Yeah, cos they could get a triple 20 and a 10.
For Bully's mystery star prize.
Come on, Zayia.
This isn't hard, as someone who played darts.
20.
Whoa!
- 20. - Ooh... - Come on, boy!
- 20. - Yes! - Oh, nice!
Oh, he's doing all right here!
It's all on the last dart, Soph.
GROANING
Oh, no.
Oh, he's fucked it.
- Ohhh... - 72. - 72. Well done, lad.
Oh, Lee. Zayia.
Aww, you tried. You tried, guys.
I don't think they tried hard enough!
I don't!
In Derby...
Theodore, look, I'm sitting with Uncie Roz.
Can you see him?
- Yeah. - I'm special.
And there's someone else very special here.
Do you want to say hi?
..the Siddiquis.
Ho-ho-ho!
THEODORE LAUGHS
Have you been good this year, little man?
That's not real, Santa, it's Grandad!
"I know you want a snake for Christmas."
I know what you want for Christmas.
What do you think?
You want a snake!
- No! - Oh! - LAUGHTER ON CALL
He's fallen over.
I don't need a... I don't... I don't want...
Dad, stop telling him!
LAUGHTER
On Friday, there was a famous face doing some festive fiddling on ITV.
Ooh, Sara Davies' Christmas Craft Off, Tom.
- Craft Off? - Yes.
Is Sara Davies...
..Dragons' Den, blonde hair?
- Yes. - Got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's a massive craftie.
- Is she? - Yes.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
- Oh, I like her. - I do.
I can't believe she's made that much money out of cardboard.
Neither can I.
I'm on a mission to spread a bit of home-made festive magic.
Do you know what? You can't beat a bit of...
..home-made festive magic.
You can't.
- Nice little gilded pine... - Wow.
Oh, I love a sparkly pine cone.
So grab your glue guns and let's get Christmas crafting.
I need to get a bad-man glue gun. That's what I need.
- Yeah. - A real bad-man glue gun. - Real bad-man glue gun. - Mm.
Do you know what Christmas crafts equals?
Christmas crap.
Christmas crap, yeah.
I thought, why not do a little Christmas scene in a glass?
Oh, why not?!
- That's what every glass needs at Christmas. - Yep, absolutely.
- A what? - Christmas scene in a glass.
I like fuckin' vodka in my glass.
Yeah, I do, that's the only thing I like in my glass - fluid.
..or a nice Pinot Grigio.
This is a really fun treat and super easy.
I don't have a spare glass.
Look how the other half live, honestly!
How do you do a Christmas scene in a glass?
And what is the point of a Christmas scene in a glass?
Well, just to be festive.
All I'm going to use - little bit of rosemary...
- OK. - Got that in the garden.
We do have that in the garden, grows all year.
Abundance of rosemary.
..some pomegranate seeds...
- Pomegranate seeds? - Hang on!
- Mm-hm. - OK.
We're going to freeze it ready.
- Ooh. - What?
- OK. - What's she doing here, man?
I want to know where this is going here.
In the freezer.
THEY LAUGH
Now, this is low tack tape.
What tape?
Low tack.
Low tack?
She's a bit Blue Peter-y, isn't she?
- Yeah. - I had no idea she was into this type of stuff.
It is going to hold our little miniature Christmas tree in place.
- A miniature Christmas tree? - Yeah.
That's what she's doing with the rosemary.
Where...?
- Oh! - That's going to be the miniature Christmas tree.
And then, you see, that
will be held just nicely in the glass.
Lovely.
And the best thing about that size of using rosemary
is you will have your eye out when you're having a drink.
I think she's showing you how to make a cannabis farm.
We'll start off just with a little bit of water,
cos it's going to be going into the freezer.
Oh, yeah.
What is this?
It's a Christmas scene in a glass.
Ours would end up with frozen peas and sweetcorn in, as well.
- Yeah. - A mix, a country mix.
I wouldn't even get one glass in my freezer.
No, I can't even get
the ice cubes in mine.
And then you just need to take the tape off.
OK, take the tape off, let's have a look.
And what you'll see is...
A twig.
In ice.
..that Christmas tree...
..will have frozen...
..perfectly into place.
Lovely.
- Erm... - HE LAUGHS
Erm...
Right.
I don't even know what to make of it.
I'm so... Like, I'm lost for words.
It looks dead!
Now I'm just adding tonic water to these.
Here we go.
Oh, now she's talking.
Can I have Coke in mine instead?
You can't even see it.
With rosemary.
Oh, I'll have a rosemary and Coke, please.
Oh, come on, get something harder
in there.
Where's the gin?
- HE CHUCKLES - Yeah.
Where's the vodka?
You know what, at least she tried, innit?
That's all that matters. Like, at least she tried.
In Leeds...
I'm going to a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.
Yes, I'd heard about this.
Yeah, so I'm going to an actual American's house
for an actual Thanksgiving dinner.
Lucky you.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
Do you know what, as well, like, I feel really grown-up
and mature to be invited to a Thanksgiving dinner party?
I know.
I've been invited to a dinner party.
Tell me you're old without telling me that you're old.
Me and Nat are going to a dinner party.
We've actually never been to a dinner party.
That's cos none of your friends are sophisticated or hosting parties.
You've just made friends with Neil and Hannah,
and they so happen to be normal human beings.
- SHE LAUGHS - Yeah.
On Monday, fallout from the budget
was still bubbling along on BBC News.
I'm guessing it will be the trouble they're in
because they didn't tell the Cabinet they had a budget surplus notified
by the OBR when they were saying they had a £20 billion black hole.
Have you had your advent calendar this morning?
No, I haven't.
I've had a coffee one, me.
Pinch, punch, first of the month.
No returns.
Good afternoon,
welcome to the BBC News at One.
Our main story, the Prime Minister has insisted...
Oh, he looks a bit alarmed there, your Keir.
- He looks bewildered, doesn't he? - Yeah.
..that his Chancellor, Rachel Reeves,
did not mislead the public before last week's budget.
That's not what I've heard.
- Have you been following this? - Yes, yes.
She, um, exaggerated the...
- Shortfall. - ..so-called fiscal black hole.
Cabinet members have reportedly accused him
and Ms Reeves of misleading ministers.
Yep, I'd have to agree with that.
They didn't mislead them, they just kept some information back,
which helped with what she was doing.
Rachel Reeves has defended her position, saying full details
contained in a budget are never provided in advance.
Pretty big detail to not release, though.
You know, she doesn't release all the details,
just the ones that she wants you to hear.
We know now that on October the 31st,
the Office for Budget Responsibility told Rachel Reeves
that she still had a surplus of £4.2 billion.
What?!
So the economy's doing better than we all thought?
She was telling everybody we were 20 or 30 billion down,
- and she was 4.2 billion up. - Yeah.
This is like what happened with Nana's energy bills.
- Yeah. - THEY LAUGH
Giving a speech in London,
the Prime Minister said there had been no misleading.
Well, of course he would say that.
We had, on the one hand,
£16 billion less than we might otherwise have had,
we had clear commitments that we'd made throughout the process
as to what it was we were going to achieve.
Oh, God, he's so boring.
- Yeah, I've checked out now. - Oh.
It was inevitable that we would always have to raise revenue.
What is that horn noise?
It was a moment of personal pride...
It's not an air raid, is it?
The Tories have asked the financial regulator
to investigate Rachel Reeves.
What? I mean, what's going to happen?
They're going to do an investigation,
it's going to take nine years,
they're going to be out of power, and no-one's going to care.
A CEO who did what Rachel Reeves did would have had to resign.
You tell him, Kemi.
And she should be held to the same high standards.
She's the Chancellor of the Exchequer, she's not a PR lady.
Kemi's just happy to get her neb on telly.
- Oh, God, yeah. - Just to stay relevant.
I mean, fair play to her, she didn't pull a Kwasi Kwarteng.
- Yeah, yeah. - You know?
She has got that on her side.
- Yeah. - Nobody's beat Kwasi Kwarteng yet.
In Yorkshire...
What makes someone beautiful and what makes someone pretty?
It's just an interesting concept.
..Sara and her daughter-in-law Lara.
Well, my sister was beautiful,
and I was just pretty, OK?
So what am I?
You're...
Yikes! Why did I ask that? Why did I ask that?
You are, um, pretty, I suppose.
Attractive, beautiful, I don't know what you are, darling,
what I think you are.
On Saturday night, Alan Carr took us back in time on ITV.
I feel like I get really stuck in the '60s, '70s, '80s, and '90s.
I don't know the difference between them all.
What was going on in the '80s?
With me?
Well, I was fully out then, wasn't I? So it was all fun.
- Well, actually, it wasn't at all. - Oh, God, I don't want to know
what was going on in the '80s with you, then.
He does a young Alan Carr so well, that boy.
Never mind Changing Ends,
you can't change bloody channels for Alan Carr.
Nothing united the UK more than a telethon.
What's a telethon?
We've got telethons now.
No, that's telephone.
Everyone used to sit in baths of baked beans, didn't they?
What the fuck?
Even celebrities came down from their ivory towers
to show us they were just like us.
Oh, they need to bring back things like this. This is proper telly.
Not like the shite we have to watch now.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, Ange, you ain't got a few tins of beans, have you?
We're in a right state.
She's the annoying neighbour over
t' road, in't she?
She's the snobby neighbour
who's always looking down her nose at Alan's mum.
If your cupboards are bare, you can always send the boys to me
for a feed.
- It's a right '80s haircut, that one, innit? - Yeah.
I had that hairdo, remember?
Yeah, but yours looked like an explosion in a mattress factory.
Mine was lovely, I had real good hair.
We're just doing a bath of beans for charity.
Well, we're trying, we're about 20 tins short.
That's why we're here.
Charlie's doing a camp out, Saturday.
Yeah, it was a bit mad, wasn't it, back in the day?
It was constantly something,
you were getting sponsored for something all the time.
He's having a camp out, load of mates coming round.
What about Alan?
Ask Alan to go.
Oh, which mates?
Michael Gudgeon, Bradley.
- Who else? - Jake.
- Oh, Jake. - Oh, Jake, he likes Jake, doesn't he?
He likes Jake, yeah. He'll be there, Alan, won't he?
Maybe Alan could camp out, instead of the beans?
Oh, well, that's very... You'd like that.
Look at his little face.
- He lit up there, didn't he? - Oh, yes, please.
I'll camp out with those boys.
Oh, no. Not with Charlie.
He's done enough for charity already.
- No! - Oh, he doesn't want Alan to come.
After setting up camp with his friend Kaye,
Alan was keen to see what Jake and the lads
were up to in the other garden.
Get yourself in the tent there. Go on, Alan.
Sh! Get in.
Ooh!
Oh, my God, he's in with all the boys now.
Hey. Hi. Hello.
SHE CHUCKLES
That's what you're like when you fancy someone.
I know. That's why I'm single, babe.
- Jake. - Good timing.
- Oh, there's Jake! - Oh, yep.
- He's there. - Very happy.
Let's do something else, eh?
No. Georgie's turn.
No, this is a dangerous game, man. Oh, my God.
Never have I ever...
..done fourth base.
GASPING
What is fourth base?
What's a base?
One, two, three...
Not round the back?!
I don't think it's round the back, they're barely even 15.
I'm sure Alan can help you, Georgie.
Don't worry, Al. It's just a game, innit?
Aww, poor Alan. This is a horrible situation to be in.
I'm bored of this now. Come on.
Go on, Jake, sticking up for Alan, yeah.
Never change, Alan.
Hello, happy campers!
Aww!
Did you see that look?
- He told him, "Never change." - Mm-hm!
Alan, you've left poor Kaye on her own. Out.
Kaye, you grass!
Absolute party pooper.
Give me that.
Right, all of you out, now.
Come on.
Oh, they've been caught.
Bootle of whisky snatched.
Oh, come on.
Georgie.
- SHE GASPS - Oh! Alan giving Jake the eye.
I can't believe this.
You have no idea what's going on in your back garden.
You've got kids...
GASPS
Oh!
Oh, my God, Alan.
- Oh... - Aww!
Jake and Georgie are snogging!
It's tough, Alan.
Who does that on the drive, though?
Yeah, why are two kids necking on?
I really felt that I had a chance.
She just wasn't the one, darling.
Aww!
Mum just got the wrong idea.
I wasn't talking about Georgie.
- Yeah, we know. - We know, Alan.
I know.
- Aww! - Aww!
Aww, what a good friend.
I mean, these days, you'd be pleased to have a gay son, wouldn't you?
Oh, God, yeah, I'm hoping.
Do you know, I'll tell you who
I used to like one time
was Debbie Harry.
Was it?
I don't know. That's not somebody in school, is it?
I can't think of anybody in school.
I used to fancy the window cleaner in school.
- Who? The window cleaner? - Mm.
- Yeah. I did end up going out with him. - Oh.
- In Blackpool... - Tell you what,
- the kids are getting all excited for Christmas, aren't they? - Yeah.
..Pete and his little sister Sophie.
When they were round here the other day,
Jimmy was saying, "We've got a Christmas tree."
I said, "Oh," I said,
"Me and Uncle Ben have put ours up in the other lounge."
Begging me to see it, like, obviously,
so I said, "Yeah, come on then, let's go."
And I've put...
I've had made two little stockings, one for Ben, one for me.
Hung on the fire. Lovely touch. Match all the colour scheme.
Jimmy takes one look at 'em and goes,
"Why have you got two big stinking socks?"
I was like, "They're not stinking socks, Jimmy."
This week, we were all on the edge of our seats
as we waited to find out who was to blame for what on Sky.
- Oh, you know what this is, love. - What? - Don't Blame Her, innit?
"Don't Blame Her"? It's not that. It's "All Her Fault".
Oh, I thought it was...
I thought it was Don't Blame Her.
So what's happened? What have I missed?
So at the start, a child gets kidnapped by a nanny -
not his own nanny.
Another nanny who's got a special interest in him.
She was called Carrie.
As it happens, now called Josephine.
Child's now been reunited with his family.
However, we don't know why.
- We don't know why it's all happened. - Mm.
In the programme, they had a flashback
to show us how it all started.
Oh, Josie had a baby six years ago.
If Josie had a baby, why did she need to steal someone else's?
Oh, look how happy she is, Lee. She's taking him home.
- CRASH - Don't look round!
Oh, you buggers!
Oh! Fucking hell.
- Oh! Fucking hell. - Oh, bloody hell!
CRASHING, GLASS SHATTERS
Shit!
Oh, now, who is in that car?
Is that the mum and the dad of, um...Milo?
No, no, no.
No, I heard him.
Oh, no.
Josie's in hospital.
Yeah, but what's happening to the baby?
- He was crying. - I'm sorry.
He didn't survive the crash.
Oh, no.
What's she saying? She heard the baby crying?
Yeah, she said she heard him.
I think that you're confused.
That must have been the other baby.
- What? - The other baby?
What other baby?
In the other car.
Are we still six years ago, or are we real now?
Real now.
Does the name Josephine Murphy mean anything to you?
- Uh-uh. - Ah-ah!
- Josie, what are you doing with a gun? - What are you doing?
He's my son.
What do you mean, he's your son?
Her son died in the car accident.
My name is Josephine Murphy.
What? No.
They recognise the name.
No. You...
- You died. - I didn't.
- What? - She died. They said she died.
Why did they think she died?
- Why did they think she died? - Said she was dead?
I didn't come here to try to get him back.
Well, what have you come here for, then?
I came here because I need you to promise me...
- What? - ..mother to mother that you'll protect Milo.
I am so confused. I thought she's the baddie!
- She doesn't sound like a baddie. - No.
From... From what?
- From him. - Him.
Oh! Why? What's he done?
You don't know what he's capable of.
Oh, my God, look, look at his face. He's like, "No, please don't.
"Please don't expose me." Like, what are you hiding?
I know you won't believe me if I tell you,
which is why you have to hear it for yourself.
- Shut up! - She's got evidence!
- Oh, my God. - No!
- GUNSHOT - Oh!
No!
- He's shot her! - He done that deliberately, the...
OK.
He done summat, Lee, hasn't he?
- She had the evidence there. - Yeah.
Peter. Whose...?
Whose baby died in that accident?
- Their baby died, and he took... - Hers.
- ..Josie's baby. - Yeah.
He was scared, and he was cold, and I couldn't...
I couldn't just leave him there.
No, no, no, no, no.
So Milo is Josie's baby.
Poor old Josie has been in the right all along.
- You stole her child! - No, I did...
I did what I thought was right.
Aye, you stole a child, mate.
No matter which way you look at it or cut it down,
you still stole somebody's child.
All this time, I thought the kidnapping was my fault,
and you let me think it was my fault.
But it was not my fault. It was yours.
Yeah, he did, didn't he?
Change the title! It's all HIS fault. It's not all her fault.
We knew it would never be her fault. It's always got to be a man's fault.
A bit later, it looked like Marissa had forgiven her husband, Peter.
Why is she being nice to him?
I couldn't kiss him. Knowing what she knows, I couldn't.
What was that for?
Er, I've missed you.
"What was that for?" Nat says that when I snog him -
thinks that I'm up to summat.
Yeah, I missed you, too.
- Mmm. - Peter. Never trust a redhead, mate.
You're on thin ice there.
CLEARS THROAT
COUGHS
- What's he coughing for? - Oh, what's wrong?
That's how Mel reacts when I kiss her.
Oh, shit.
- Er... - What?
- I didn't check all the allergens. - Oh!
- She's had summat on her lips. - Yeah, she's kissed him.
A deadly kiss, Simon.
- I could have had soy by accident. Fuck! I'm so sorry. - I gotta...
Have you got your EpiPen handy, love?
I hope not.
Isn't it like an immediate reaction?
What the fuck?
- It's expired. - What?
Oh, shit. It's not working.
It's expired! Yes!
You always have the emergency kit.
- He knows. - He's worked it out.
That's true. I manage your allergy for you.
Oh.
Read between the lines. "I managed your allergy for you."
Amira, remember when you had to use an EpiPen
because you had some Parmesan?
"Some Parmesan"? Don't make it sound so minuscule, like it...
Amani, I had to be rushed into hospital.
- That was the funniest day ever. - Do you remember?
Do you remember, though, when you were like...
When we called the ambulance and they were like,
"Who's gonna come with her?" And none of you wanted to volunteer.
You were like, "I've got work the next day.
"I don't know how long we're going to be there."
You don't know what could have happened to me.
My lips were huge. They looked like Kylie Jenner's lips.
- In Glasgow... - Work Christmas parties.
The worst part about them is like,
yeah, it's that not knowing where the line is.
There's a clear line, mate. Don't cross it.
..best mates Jake and Calum.
I don't really drink that much so it doesn't, like...
- I never really get to that place. - Never done it?
But I've been to some wild Christmas parties where you're just like...
"Anne from Accounts does not do that on a Monday morning."
It's almost like a superhero, right?
They come out, they show you their true powers,
and on the Monday you're like, "All right?"
- Yeah, back to... - Back to normal.
- Back to your spreadsheets. - Do you not think that's magical?
- It's nice. - You know what I mean? - It's a wee glimmer
- into someone's actual... - It's a glimmer, innit?
- You go, "I know I like you, but we don't need to talk about it." - Yeah.
This week, Strictly had something new in store for us on BBC One.
You ready for Strictly? Ha-ha!
- Are you ready? Easy. - Oh, good catch. Nice.
Should we watch Strictly and at least there'll be some...
..athletic gaiety?
THEY SING ALONG TO THEME TUNE
- Where's your bottom gone? - It's over there. You haven't brought it.
Look, it's on the worktop.
Oh!
- Why has it come off? - Because it's cheap plastic.
That's why it's come off.
Hey, so, do I look like Claudia?
No, you look like that Derek that Ricky Gervais plays.
Welcome to Strictly Come Dancing.
We are back from Blackpool and back to business.
Bloody hell. How big's Tess's hair this week?
That blow-dry'd envy Jane McDonald.
Our couples have another chance to improve their position
on the leaderboard when they take on Instant Dance.
Instant Dance? This is new.
What do you mean, an instant dance? Do you have to, like, "Dance now!"?
Yeah, that's exactly it.
All our couples will be asked to improvise a dance on the spot.
Oh, my God. Improv.
This is...
Ah, shit!
- Improvisation! - LAUGHS
Yeah!
- They're starting to change it, Mary. - Oh, no.
- I think the expression is "change it up" now. - Oh.
After being assigned their dances and picking their own costumes...
- That's mine. - Yes!
- Take trousers. - Trousers are good.
It's chaos, this. What the frig is going on?
- It's a bit like It's A Knockout, Nutty. - Yeah.
The dancers have just ten seconds to confer
before taking to the dance floor.
Flying squirrel!
THEY CONFER, AUDIENCE COUNTS DOWN
- Oh, she's talking him through it. - Yeah.
- Right. - "You do that." "Quick plan. You do that and I'll do that."
"I'm going to do this, you go over there."
- Oh, look at him. - Oh, hello. - Hello!
Just... Yeah, yeah. Just strip. That'll confuse them.
I mean, they're just floating round the room at this stage.
- He doesn't need to do anything. - That's the thing. He's just like...
As long as he does this dance...
"If I just stay there, she'll lead me."
# This is what it sounds like when doves cry. #
Oh! He's done a lift!
- CHEERING - Unbelievable!
- Oh! - Oh, God. He's just thrown her on the floor.
Honestly, I could have done that.
They've done a couple of forward steps,
a couple of backward steps, side steps,
- and then... - I mean... - ..hoyed her on the floor.
Will our final couple, Amber and Nikita, make it onto the floor?
I love how Nikita's come dressed as a car wash.
AUDIENCE COUNTS DOWN
Shit!
She doesn't fuck about, does she?
You start anything like that, and you'll be fine, innit?
That's how I start doing my taxes.
Whenever, Wherever by Shakira
I would need a good bit of warning
if someone were going to toss me in the air like that
with my legs open, because it wouldn't end well for them.
Oh, them ruffles are made for shimmying, aren't they?
When in doubt, you shimmy, innit? When in doubt, you shimmy.
Oh, yeah.
That's the Shakira dance.
Yeah?
# La-la la-la la-lay
# Can't you see
# I'm at your feet
# Whenever, wherever
# We're meant to be together... #
They are nailing this.
Yeah, they've got a bit of Shakira going through them.
# Whenever, wherever
# Whenever, wherever... #
- Oh, God. - The thing is, if all else fails,
just fling your crotch in someone's face.
Listen, it works, clearly.
# If you really feel the way I feel... #
Oh!
She were like a whipping top.
- Oh, yes. - Oh! - Very slick.
- Oh! - Oh! - Whoa!
I think he just took a foot to the bollocks.
- We'll play that game at Christmas. - That'll be fun.
- Instant Dance. - Give that a whirl.
I've gotta tell you, I've not been that interested in Strictly
since Ann Widdecombe was used as a mop to clean the Strictly floor.
- Yeah. - But this has definitely rekindled my interest in it.
# In a perfect world
singing out
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect, perfect world. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media