Mine and Ronnie's favourite.
SHE CRUNCHES
It's easier getting it out with your finger. You get a lot more.
I like using me finger. You are joking?!
You get more on it.
Ooh! You're disgusting!
This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
It gets in the corners, your finger, better than this.
Are your fingers insured? Mm. Yeah. They need to be.
♪ In a perfect world... ♪
THEY SCREAM AND GROAN
Have you ever done 'owt like that? Well, I'm not telling you if I had.
HE SINGS
BOTH: Oh, Barcelona!
Ugh! No, I don't like that this guy's trying to tell me
how to eat my dinner.
ALL: A what? BOTH: Foot fetish?
I'd no idea that was a thing.
"Remove my britches! Expose your loins!"
I like that.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, Ronnie! This is weird.
He's a mercenary bugger, in't he?
This is why I don't date.
That is dicing with the devil. Oh, no!
He suffers for his art, doesn't he? Clearly.
BOTH: A Bentley Continental?!
I think I'd rather call it a day, Nutty, wouldn't you?
♪ Who's been arrested now? And for what? ♪
In the week Artemis II splashed down in the Pacific
after popping to the moon and back, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Gordon Ramsay was giving restaurateurs a rollicking
on Channel 4...
I've seen everything, and I am shocked.
That is traditional Greek food.
That's not traditional Greek food.
There's nowt traditional about that, hon. No, you've been caught.
One time I wasn't going to school and I decided to go to Asda instead.
What a choice! And I forgot me auntie worked there,
so I hid behind a bag of Doritos.
Attenborough was peering over garden fences again on BBC One...
She'll need to eat all she can...
...to produce enough milk for her hungry youngsters.
Did you know hedgehogs were lactose intolerant like you?
No, I didn't know that. That's crazy, innit? How random is that?
What milk must they produce, then?
Well, their milk must not have lactose in it.
Lactose-free milk? Lactose-free milk, yeah.
You better have some hedgehog milk soon. No, thank you.
And things were looking shifty on Discovery.
Now you can open your eyes and look at your hands.
But here's the catch.
Not everyone can be hypnotised.
I'm cynical already, so probably I wouldn't be. No. I don't think so.
I don't know, Dad. I think you'd strut in cynical,
and you'd come out and go, "Where are my trousers?"
In Wiltshire...
So what happened was, Giles,
that two irons, one after the other...
IRISH ACCENT: Irons!
...caused fusing throughout the cottage yesterday
while you were gardening. I'm glad I wasn't there.
So now I'm going to take this off,
put in a new fuse. I've got the right number...
...Giles and his wife, Mary.
What could I have done?
You see, if you go online...
Let me hold it. You might be giving it bad vibes.
Don't drip water out of it.
Hold it upright! Something's happening, Mary. It's squirting.
That's cos you're pressing the squirter. Oh, I see.
Hold it up. IRISH ACCENT: I'm pressing the squirter.
Hold it upright!
Norris McSquirter.
BOTH: Ohh!
My God!
What's happened? Oh, no. It's broken the whole bloody system.
The whole cottage is, um...
Did I do that by squirting? Yes, it must be your fault.
For God's sake, Giles!
This week, we were navigating the rocky road to love on Netflix.
I think we're all on the spectrum.
I'm definitely borderline ADHD. I know I am.
And Julia certainly is. ADHD?
Oh, she's... OCD, you mean?
That's right, OCD. Get your Ds right. Yes.
Yeah, you see, when you had your first date with Ben,
I just remember you coming back and not shutting up about him,
and that is when you know that somebody is mint. Yeah.
You know? Thinking, "Bloody hell, even I wanna shag him."
Hello. Hello.
I'm Logan, I'm 25 years old.
25? That's prime time.
We've got the same hairstyle, Logan. Yass! Yeah.
Can you tell me about your dating history?
Oh, dating history? Hmm.
It has been zero.
Aw, pretty lacklustre. This is his first date, then, love, I expect.
I just want somebody who dresses nice...
Oh, yeah. Yeah. ...smells good... Yes.
...has curvy straight hair...
Oh, quite specific on the hair.
Curvy straight? Yeah. What's curvy straight hair?
Is that like a wave? OK...
I'd hit that brief.
Look at that - a bunch of red roses. How classy.
You can do this. You can do this, Logan.
He doesn't seem ready at all. He's not ready.
You can, we're behind you. You absolutely can do this.
Who's this beauty? Who's this?
Logan is meeting Hayley.
Oh, she's lovely. She's lovely.
She likes hockey players fighting...
Oh, so do I, Hayley.
That should be in every sport!
...and men in suits.
Men in suits! Yes!
So all he has to do is twat someone with a hockey stick and he's sorted.
Hello!
Oh, how beautiful.
Hi.
Oh, he got nervous. "Hi..."
I'm Hayley.
And I'm Logan. Nice to meet you.
Oh, Logan, you should have got up, mate. Never mind, never mind.
No, the poses are taking me out!
Yeah, like I said...
Oh, I'm Logan. Did I mention that? Hi, Hayley.
He's nervous though, in't he? Give him a chance. He'll warm into this.
I wish he'd give her the flowers. That might break the ice.
I work at a high school
as a food service worker.
Serve to the students, perfect food,
all kinds of stuff.
Oh, tell me more about this.
Oh, nice one! Yes! Good, good.
Now you're talking. Go on, Logan!
I'd love it if I had a girlfriend that was a dinner lady
and they could bring, like, all the leftovers home.
What is your favourite like to do?
I like to crochet and I like model trains.
Oh, he likes to crochet.
Model trains - right up my street.
I could have a conversation with him.
I've got the Flying Scotsman model set at home. You have.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Oh, he's died. He's died a death.
It's awkward silence, Julie. Come on, Logan!
Say, "I've brought you the flowers."
Ohh! Oh, she's struggling as well now.
What is...?
What do I come at this with?
What are your favourite things?
Logan, are you gonna help her out a bit or nah?
It's like she had a list of questions
and she's gone through them in a minute. Yeah, she has.
Now she's stuck. Yeah.
Are those...?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yes! Oh, she's looking at the flowers.
I mean, these are for you. Ohh. Thank you.
ALL: Aw...
Things are looking up, aren't they? Yes.
What is your favourite TV show?
Hannah Montana.
A lot of people teased me before
and say it's for little kids,
but I don't care what they say.
Well done for not caring what they say.
Aw, dude, you like what you like.
I was obsessed with that show.
Sometimes, people are really mean to me,
they make fun of me, about me.
Hayley, I'm sorry that happened.
Whew...
He's mirroring her language as well.
Well, Hayley, just... just... just...
Just remember, if you need a friend, I'm always here for you. Mmm.
Aw!
He's cementing it in. "I'm your friend." Oh, my heart!
I gotta say, Hayley, you look really nice today.
Aw...
He's relaxing! I told you, man!
That is ace. He's a little gent, in't he? He's a gent.
He's going for it.
I like that blue jacket. Mm-hm.
I figured you would.
"I figured you would2! Yeah!
He knows what he's doing!
Now look at him. Look how cocky he is!
He's gone from shy to, like, "Yeah, I knew you would."
Ready to go? Yeah. Let's go.
This is so sweet.
You know, I had a lot of fun.
Did you?
Yeah, I do.
I really like you a lot.
Mostly.
SHE CACKLES
Yeah, Mel said that to me countless times. Mostly? Mostly, yeah.
"Mostly" is how she finishes most of her compliments. Not 100%. Yeah!
Would you like to go on another date with me?
Ohh! What's she gonna say?
Please.
I would like to go on another date with you.
Aw! Yeah!
THEY CHEER
It was really nice to meet you,
Logan.
It was nice to meet you too, Hayley. Bye. Take care of yourself. Bye.
It's charming, isn't it? Absolutely.
Yeah! Oh, yes, Logan!
Let's go, Logan!
You did it. I loved that.
Josh, do you think we fell in love so quick, like Logan and Hayley?
You did.
Ah! You cheeky bastard!
When did you first know you'd fallen in love with Percy?
It wasn't like a bolt of lightning.
It's something that grew. Yes, which I think is more sustainable.
Yeah. It grew over the years.
And...
And that was that.
Aw...
That's sweet.
That's adorable.
Aw.
In Blackpool...
How are my two little pals, my niece and nephew?
They're all right. Don't get me wrong, I love them to bits. Yeah.
But they just smash everything up.
They don't treat anything with respect.
...Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
I suppose the beauty is,
and you're quite lucky that this is
a bit of a shithole anyway.
Oh, you cheeky bastard!
What?! SHE LAUGHS
No, it's good, because then at least you don't have to put it right,
do you?
On Tuesday night, Gordon Ramsay had something new for us
from across the pond on Channel 4.
Overall, I think he's a good sort.
I wish he was Prime Minister.
Don't be so silly, Giles.
It makes me think you should be sectioned
when you say things like that.
That's the sort of thing a toddler would say.
When restaurants see me coming... Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Oh, hell no.
...they cover up their problems.
Oh, they all panic when they see Gordon. Yeah.
Yeah, because nobody wants an arse-tanning from Gordon.
I've seen enough.
So now I need to go undercover.
Oh, he's got a covert van!
007 Ramsay in here. Exactly.
With the help of my insider...
Keep your head down and speak the truth.
...I'll restore the restaurant... Let's get cooking.
...from the inside out.
So, basically, somebody's tipped off Gordon
to say, "We're working in a shithole."
You're like a snitch, aren't you? Yeah.
You're doing it for the right reasons,
but you are dobbing all your team in.
In't this just like Kitchen Nightmares,
except he's outside in a van?
Yeah, but you can't say that. It's a Secret Service instead.
Right, OK.
Let's all pretend like it's not that, then.
One o'clock in the morning?! Gordon, go to sleep.
Oh, James and Jo have been to Washington, haven't they? Yeah.
I'm on my way to Parthenon.
Now, this restaurant's been a staple Greek restaurant
in the neighbourhood for years.
Oh, he's undercover.
He's got a cap on - that changes everything!
My insider left me key.
It's not that undercover when you've got 20 film cameras there, either.
Jase, come in.
"Quick, quick! Get in, get in, get in."
How's he getting in there now, then? Well, he knows.
He'll have had instructions from his informant. Oh, right.
Oh, my goodness me.
Oh, my God! Gordon's gone in with his UV light.
I don't know, actually, what he's looking at, but I'm assuming...
It doesn't look good. No! It's bad.
I don't think this thing's been cleaned for months.
That is so gross.
Look at that. Urgh! Look at the fat.
I was always brought up, though,
"What you don't see,
you don't miss."
LAUGHING: No, yeah!
Oh, boy. This is a band saw.
A band saw... in a restaurant?!
No, no, no. What in the design technology is this?
These are so old-fashioned. Mate, that's dirty.
Oh! Oh, look at that. It's disgusting.
This is like his wet dream, a filthy band saw. Yeah.
That is disgusting.
Now, this is an ATP test.
Oh, see, Ellie, I've tried to buy one of these machines before.
I've seen it on Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners.
This is going to give me an indication of live bacteria.
Some bacteria's healthy, you know.
Er, SOME bacteria's healthy, Jenny. That'll fucking kill you!
Under 30 is acceptable.
A dirty toilet seat will go to 1,400.
This is going to be higher than a dirty toilet. Surely not.
Oh, my goodness. DEVICE BEEPS
5,550.
Fucking hell, love.
Five times dirtier than a toilet seat?! Yeah. Yeah. Wow!
Just a quick comms check.
Oh, look at his set-up. That's amazing!
Look at him. I bet he's...
Jenny, I bet he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing in there.
It's just like a Game Boy to him. LAUGHING: Yeah!
Guys, ready to go?
That's... Pete, the owner, there.
Pete, you're going to be in trouble, mate.
You know what you should have on the tables is coffee cups.
That is Susie, Pete's wife.
Oh, it's a family affair, then,
this business.
Susie looks well put-together. Susie looks like she's a clean lady.
Why is that kitchen not clean?
Shit. This is what I swabbed last night.
Urgh! look at him!
He's cutting the lamb chops on that band saw,
where all the bacteria was!
It's all flavour, in't it? Ugh!
I've seen enough. I'm on my way. Stand by.
"Stand by"! Oh, here we go!
I think Gordon's just going to storm in there
and the like, "Right!" Yes, "Shut this restaurant down!"
Hi.
Holy...! Oh, my God!
Look at everyone's eyes. They are all like...
Deer in the headlights, innit? LAUGHING: Yeah, totally!
I cannot believe what I've just been watching.
"We try our best"!
BOTH: "We try our best"? Your best ain't good enough.
I've seen everything, and I am shocked.
That's... that's traditional Greek food.
Stop now!
I think any Greek person would go, "Don't associate me with that!"
And do you know what really shocked me?
The band saw. When was the last time that was cleaned?
Oh, "I don't know"!
He doesn't know.
Should be every day, twice a day, after every time it's been used!
Breaking news - we're screwed!
"We're screwed"! Like that.
He's with them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not "You're screwed."
He's not against them. No. It's just, "Wake up!"
It's tough love.
Wow...
CRAIG: A bit later, after the restaurant was given a new look...
Oh, my! And the kitchen
is now fully equipped with brand-new chopping boards,
incredible knives, pans, you name it.
Jeez. Look at that. That is a real makeover, innit?
They've got loads of free shit. They've got merch.
It's worth having a dirty kitchen.
There's one more thing I need to talk to you about, quite seriously.
...Gordon was ready to reveal who the grass was.
Would the insider reveal themselves?
Oh! Who's the fucking insider? Ooh! Who's the little snitch? Come on!
The insider was me. Ha!
The wife?! Oh, it's his wife!
Typical, you see?
Women who've got these stubborn husbands,
they have to go behind the scenes
and take in outsiders to help them. Yes.
Thank you, Chef Ramsay.
Without you, this would never have happened.
He's a national treasure. I say "national treasure" -
not many people know that, the Scottish roots.
Yeah. Used to play for Rangers. Used to play for Rangers. Yeah.
And he also hurt his knee, like myself.
Ah, yes. An old Gordon Ramsay protege.
But I can't cook or play football, so... You know.
And he's got stuff that I can do that he can't. Which is?
Use the air fryer.
In the Cotswolds...
My God, darling, I can't believe that I actually can now say
that I've also survived a scorpion attack.
...Andrew and his husband, Alfie.
Yeah, well, I found it in the bathroom
and, with my bare hands, killed it.
You did with your bare hands?
Well, I didn't do it with my BARE hands -
I pulled a bit of tissue paper off.
I thought you had a shoe or something.
No, no, no, no, darling.
I did then use the bin in the bathroom, the wicker one,
to sort of finish it off. My hero!
Yeah, but you're lucky. They're not that...
This might be... might be the most butch thing you've ever done.
On Sunday night, Attenborough
was keeping it local on BBC One.
You love a nature documentary. Yes. It's your absolute favourite.
You perk up, you come all alight, like a light bulb.
THEY LAUGH
I haven't got no secrets in my garden.
Neither have I.
I've got a bit of grass. I've got a lovely, gorgeous tree.
I've got a shed. I've got...
Just what everyone else has got.
Welcome to a hidden world, right on our doorsteps.
He's 100 next month and he's still grafting.
State of the economy, Pedro. Yeah.
Wants to click his heating on, he's going to have to keep grafting.
That's what my garden looks like. Does it fuck!
I think your garden looks better in the dark. Well, yeah.
I've got some lights on my bush just at the end.
As dusk falls...
...most residents of the garden hide away.
Ooh! Let's see who comes out at night.
But this is the time when one of them begins to stir.
Who's this? Don't know.
Once, there were over 30 million in Britain.
30 million what? What is it? Bees? Birds? What?
But, today, fewer than a million remain.
What is this animal?
I'm going frog. Barn owl?
What is that? What is it?
Tell us what it is, man!
What about moles? We used to have loads of moles, didn't we? Yeah.
Aww! It's a hedgehog. I love hedgehogs.
Yay! It's a Mrs Tiggy-Winkle.
Well, I'll tell you something -
round us, the badgers have eaten the whole lot.
Hedgehogs.
Do you know what? I'd see my gran and grandad - I think, every night,
they've got, like, five hedgehogs that visit them. Oh, really?
They've got little houses set up and it's called Hedgehog Village
and they put food in it.
So they're keeping at least five of the one million going.
After five months in hibernation, this female is raring to go.
Is it mating season after the old hibernation, is it?
And so it seems, are her fleas.
Eurgh!
Nothing that a quick scratch can't fix.
Oh, I can't get my leg up that high.
I'd just be riddled with fleas.
She needs to be at her best tonight...
Ooh, where you going, girl?
She ain't meeting someone. Date night, this.
...because she's looking for a mate.
Hedgehog sex tonight, Julie, on here. Oh, don't!
Well, how do you have sex with something prickly like that?
HE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER
The problem is, as the only hedgehog in a walled garden...
Aww! Oh, no! She's in a walled garden.
...she's hardly spoiled for choice.
Well... There's nae fucker around.
That's why they say to have hedgehog highways in gardens now.
But Lou and her neighbours have made a small change
that goes a long way to help...
Oh, there - that must be a hedgehog highway.
They've opened it all up so they can intermingle? Mm!
SHE GASPS Fraternise, even. Mm! Mm!
...opening up her dating pool to 16 gardens.
She's bound to cop off in one of them gardens, isn't she?
16 gardens.
And what do you know...
Oh, here!
Ah... bingo!
...something smells very promising indeed.
Ooh! There's a fella!
A male.
Sauntering in round the pot.
Look at him.
Fine specimen.
What? You all right, Baas?
Yeah, no, getting too invested in this. Yeah, you are!
He, too, has been attracted by her musky odour.
He maybe likes that in a woman.
Full of fleas and stinks.
THEY GRUNT
Here we go. Oh, he's mounting her.
And, of course, he takes care.
If you're a hedgehog, love can really hurt.
All right, Billy Ocean!
DISTANT SIREN
She's got what she wanted.
Quick how's-your-father and it's back home to bed. Solid.
But rather than head back to bed,
she is making the most of her big night out.
She's looking for more lads. No!
She's not having another one, is she?
Jesus Christ.
And she mates with not just a second partner...
What?!
...but a third.
Oh! Easy! In one night?!
Well, the randy old thing.
So a single litter may have multiple fathers.
Eh?! What?!
Oh, wow. Ooh!
It's a way of ensuring genetic diversity among her young.
Well, use whatever excuse you want, love.
That's what you tell the children. Yeah.
You know, we hear noises in the night. Mm. Out there.
It could be a hedgehog gangbang...
...going on at the end.
In Bristol...
So when you play football, you don't run?
He don't run. I don't run.
But you run, like, 5K twice a week? Of course.
You don't move on the pitch. Cos you're there.
Nah, not having that.
...brothers Tremaine, Twaine and Tristan.
Trem, this is what don't make no sense.
Surely you'll be pushing yourself in the games, innit?
Is that not the point of running 5K twice a week,
so you can run as much as you need to on a football pitch?
Nah. I don't run... I only run... When I was younger,
I used to chase lost causes and run down the channel,
but now I'm older now, what am I running down...?
We're talking about football, not relationships. It is!
On Saturday, tough nut Ross Kemp
was back on his Bridge again on BBC One.
See, I've got quite a nose for a liar.
Mm.
I know a liar when I... Yeah.
Sniffs them out.
I don't know if I can tell if Twaine's lying, to be fair.
Twaine waffles. Does he? Yeah. You get sheepish.
Yeah, I just like... Yeah. That. Yeah, that is it.
This is Celebrity Bridge Of Lies,
where winning is simple.
For you, it is!
In the programme, TV's Matt Baker had a go on the Bridge.
Oh, we like Matt Baker from Countryfile.
Bridge, what are we looking for?
Film. Oh, I'm good with films. I'm not.
I'm trying to think of films that I know.
The only one is 12 Monkeys. That's the only one I can think of.
Oh, The Wolf Of Wall Street, Kung Fu Panda. Kung Fu Panda.
Kung Fu something, Jack Black.
Classics.
See? Now, you remember certain films?
Yeah. No, I do now. Yeah, yeah. 12 Monkeys, boy!
Um...
Kung Fu Panda. Oh, left or right! Either one. Yeah. Fucking hell.
Which way do I want to go?
Truth or lie? I'm feeling this way.
That is the truth.
Very easy start on the Bridge Of Lies, though.
I will say that. It starts getting a lot harder.
I might have to go this way, actually.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go this way. Truth or lie?
No, Matt! No, he's going to another right answer,
so it'll open up summat else.
Yeah, OK, he's going to another right answer.
Dangerous something, Glenn Close.
That could be Dangerous Dogs.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
Dangerous Liaison, isn't it? Oh...
12 something, Brad Pitt.
What's the Brad Pitt one? 12...
Monkeys. Is it? Are you bantering?
Is Brad Pitt in it as well? He is!
Oh, wow. How crazy's that?!
Well, this one is a great film. That's 12 Monkeys.
Time's a-ticking, Matt.
Pick one! I'm going on this one. Truth or lie?
It is 12 Monkeys.
BOTH: 12 Monkeys.
Yeah, you're giving your
whole life story.
Just step on the bloody thing.
Pelican Brief. That opens up The Mighty Something, Emilio Estevez.
The Mighty Ducks! Oh, yeah, The Mighty Ducks!
Go, Mighty Ducks! Coach Bombay!
Something Box, Sandra Bullock.
Bird Box. Bird Box with Sandra Bollock.
Sandra Bullock, Bird Box. Yes, Bird Box! That's a really good film.
Have you seen it? It's not that good. That's really good.
I liked it. It's not that good. Yes, it is.
It's not that good. It's really good. It's really not that good.
That opens up Kiss Of The something Woman, William Hurt.
Kiss Of The Elephant Woman.
Kiss Of The Spider Woman.
The Men Who Stare At something, George Clooney.
Women?
The Men Who Stare At Women?
The Men Who Stare At Goats, is it?
Goats?
Yeah, I know it sounds a bit bizarre. I'm sure there's a film...
Red something, Jennifer Lawrence.
Red Squirrel up the top left, is it?
Er...
No. What is it, then?
I don't think it's Red Squirrel.
Something man, Jim Carrey.
Something man with Jim Carrey.
Oh...
Animal Man, Jim Carrey. I'm sure it is. Really?
No.
Something On A Hot Tin Roof, Elizabeth Taylor.
Man On A Hot Tin Roof.
That's Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.
Oh, is it? Oh, I thought it was Man.
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is Elizabeth Taylor.
How the fuck do you guys know this shit?!
Cos we're old. Cos it's old shit.
Why is a cat on a hot roof?
War something, Jonah Hill.
War Horse! War Horse!
War Dogs. Oh, yeah. It's War Dogs.
Jonah Hill, Miles Teller. They're selling guns.
It's War Dogs. There you go.
Come on! Truth or lie?
Yes! War Dogs.
War Dogs! War Dogs!
Come on, we're nearly at the end, Matt.
The Little something, Bette Davis.
The Little Beaver.
The Little Beaver?
Oh, go on, Bette Davis. Oh, Bette Davis.
The Little what? The Little Fox.
Little something... 30 seconds remaining.
Truth or lie? Little Animal.
Is it right? Is it right?
The Little Foxes.
BOTH: Yes!
Yes!
Oh, Fox-es. Oh, yeah. Oh, you said Fox.
I know, but... Sorry, there was more than one.
Wrong! Yeah, but it don't matter, does it? No! Wrong! Oh...
The Green something, Seth Rogen.
It's The Green... Between The Green something and The Green something.
The Green Giant? Er...
Oh, no, that's the guy that does the peas.
Sweetcorn, yeah. Sweetcorn. ♪ Green Giant. ♪
You've got a 50-50. You've got 18 seconds.
Oh, come on! There's only... You've gotta go! Come on!
Just jump. Just jump, you silly little man.
I think it's a Green Parrot.
Truth or lie? Ten seconds.
Oh, shit! Is it right?
Come on! It's the truth!
Yes!
CHEERING
Yes! He's done it!
He winged that the way I did with my, erm...
CV? ..theory test.
I didn't do any practice for my theory.
I just randomly put ones and I passed it.
That's nice to know when we're sat in the passenger seat, Shaun,
to be honest. Yeah.
In Leeds...
So when you're getting into summer,
I'm, like, "I need my feet doing.
"I need to get all the hard skin off my feet.
"I need to get all my skin sorted."
Do you know what I mean? There's stuff to be done, now the sun's out.
...best friends Danielle and Daniella.
My feet need doing.
My toenails are that long, they're busting through my socks.
I know, I saw. Oh, man.
Pterodactyl claws out here, man.
Right, we need to sort ourselves out now.
100%. Glow-up. It's glow-up time. Operation Glow-Up. Yeah, agreed.
Start with me hay fever. How about that? And your beard.
On Friday night,
tantalising questions
were being answered on Discovery.
Oh, I love a conspiracy theory!
You think everything's a conspiracy.
Somebody was telling me that we've all got colds at t'minute
because t'Government's been spraying stuff in t'sky.
Really? That's why we've all got t'same symptoms.
No...
Let's face it, we live in a time when fear and distrust
are at an all-time high.
Oh, don't we know it?!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Me no' trust nobody!
Since leaving CIA, I've made it my mission
to shed light on the lies, cover-ups, conspiracies
and tactics used to conceal them.
Oh, he's a whistle-blower. I like that.
Yes! I love this!
Help me separate fact from fiction.
Is this programme even real?
Exactly. Maybe...
Maybe this is a conspiracy theory cover-up in itself
to actually take our minds away from what they WANT us to believe!
When Thomas Crooks planned his shot
on then-presidential candidate Donald Trump,
he was looking at that, in the distance, on a stage.
Ooh, are we going straight in for the graze on the ear? Donald Trump?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. The assassination attempt.
Who was he? What drove him?
And was this 20-year-old acting alone?
20-year-old acting alone? Hmm...
Sounds a bit sus to me.
Maybe Thomas Crooks wasn't just some angry young shooter.
Maybe he was part of something more sinister -
a pawn under the control of the deep state.
So, basically, what they're saying is,
is he's been mind-controlled
so that he wants to go and shoot Donald Trump.
There's been loads of films about this.
Yeah, brainwashing people.
Cruciatus Curse on Harry Potter. Mm.
And you can just sleep deep, all the way down.
Max Major is one of the country's leading hypnotists.
You watch this guy, he's unbelievable.
He touches you and you're gone. Yeah.
Do you know what? I think our Claire's been hypnotised
as well, you know. Has she? You'll have to ask her. Yeah.
That's why I think he's going to be my perfect partner on this mission.
I like what they're doing here. This makes sense to me.
Yeah, I can... I can...
Hypnotise, plant the seed, "This is what we want you to do,"
send 'em back out there.
Not everyone can be hypnotised.
Some people struggle to focus and resist letting go of control.
That's me. Control freak.
Yeah, you can't trick me! You can't trick me! Not happening!
But Max isn't trying to hypnotise everyone -
he's looking for the few,
the few who CAN give up that control.
Oh, so he basically gets the easiest ones to influence.
He's almost searching for a prey. Yeah.
You know, who are the weak ones in the pack? Yeah.
Having identified the most suggestible candidate...
And Clyde...
...is following orders right now.
Oh, God, he's very programmable.
Clyde. Clyde is going to be the guy.
We've got cameras covering everywhere.
...it was time to carry out the experiment on him.
This brain teaser exercise is like an anchor point -
what the subject will be asked to work on before
and after delivering the poison.
The poison?!
So now they're going to hypnotise him
to poison people
without knowing he's done it? Yeah.
And as this hand starts to come in,
you'll notice your eyes change focus.
And when you notice your eyes,
you can just sleep deep, all the way down, deeper.
Oh, my God! Did you see how quickly he went?
Out like a light! Ha!
How can he, like, take over someone's mind like that?
Amira, my head!
Oh, sorry. What the hell?!
You'll walk over to the table in front of you,
you'll take the glass bottle out of your pocket.
Surely not. Yes, 100%! I believe this!
You'll open it up...
...and you'll dump its contents into the glass of water on that table.
As if he was spiking someone.
That's a lot of instructions. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say!
I'd wake up from hypnosis and go, "Sorry, what was that?"
Ah, there's the glass. Here we go.
Let's see if this goes according to plan.
When he hears that click now... Yeah, click. ..that's his cue.
Up he goes. Oh...
Stop it!
Oh, my God, you're joking.
No...
He's doing it! He's actually doing it!
I can't believe that, that he's just got up
and put the contents of the glass bottle in the water.
None the wiser that he's done it. I don't think he is.
Now for a little drama,
where we really test the limits of this experiment.
Is he going to keel over now?
Oh, he's gonna start pretending to be poisoned!
Oh! Damn!
Andrew went to drama school. Look at that.
Oh, look at him. Clyde don't remember doing it. He's shocked.
Look, he's saying, "Oh, what's happening?"
I mean, if that is real, that's really frightening.
Did you see what happened? I know you were doing the...
Er... I just heard him collapse. That was it.
He's just poisoned someone. He hasn't, technically.
Clyde has just poisoned someone!
Well, he could have done in real life.
And unfortunate for you, Clyde, you're now going to prison.
Is he actually?
No!
Dad, honestly, when we were growing up, you were like,
"Medicine this, lawyer that, accountant this."
You should have been saying "hypnotist", shouldn't you, man?
I should have. I know, granted, we didn't do any of those things
you asked us to do...
...but, still, I think we would have been hypnotists.
In Leeds...
What breed of chicken are they? Do you know?
Yeah, they're Marans.
Oh, my God.
I hope you've put a bit of bloody kitchen roll in t'bottom
of my clean towel basket.
Cost me 12 quid, that!
...sisters Ellie and Izzi.
What colour are they?
So they're going to be grey.
They'll be silver. Aww. Oh!
Aaaargh! Aaaargh!
So the chicks have crapped in me towel basket,
crapped on me tray, and now they're eating it!
Crying out...
Oh, my God, it's bleeding everywhere!
You'd rather have crap on there
than crap in your towel basket, wouldn't you?
I'd rather not crap anywhere, to be honest.
I'd rather not have bird poo all over my house.
Aww, look at 'em!
On Friday, something big was making the headlines on the BBC.
Wagging her tail for the news is Fudge! She loves it.
God, I've never known a dog love the news so much!
I can see the tape.
SHE LAUGHS Shut up!
Now, since retiring,
Steve Wainwright
from Peterborough started to think big,
making super-sized versions of everyday items as a hobby.
God, man, when you retire, you lose your mind.
In all honesty, I want to get to that part of my life.
Because, like, there's... You ain't got nothing else to do.
Yeah. Yeah. Just make big stuff.
After retiring as an ambulance technician,
Steve Wainwright was busy with the household chores.
You know why he's doing this?
Because his wife will have made a list of jobs for him to do.
Yeah. And he'll be going,
"Oh, sorry, I can't, you know, fix the curtain pole
"cos I'm making a big screwdriver." Yeah.
But then he started to think big.
He had an idea to make household objects...
Look at him with his fingers and his acting!
I love this. He should have gone into acting, not making big stuff.
Yeah, he wants a Bafta, this lad.
...in his shed, larger than their actual size.
I love tinkering
in the garage and the shed.
Do you? Oh, yeah. Or in the greenhouse. Just love tinkering.
I just love fucking around, basically.
I went out into my garage, which was my workshop,
picked up a three-pin plug and thought,
"I'm going to make this but ten times its size."
ALL: Why?! For what reason?
What could you make ten times bigger?
SHE LAUGHS
He's now getting one of the biggest plugs ever on TV.
Oh, God, this is too cheesy!
It took him two and a half weeks to make,
and it's designed as a cupboard.
Oh, isn't that charming, Mary?
Can you remember that week I stood on two plugs, one on each foot,
and I couldn't walk?
I do remember that very clearly. And they got infected.
I had to go to the walk-in. Imagine standing on that fucker!
The first time I saw the plug,
it was out at the front of the garage,
and I reversed the car back up the drive,
and it was just sitting there.
"And I said, 'What the fuck is that?!' "
And it's just... You had to laugh.
Or cry.
She's going to do one of them.
He sharpened up his incredible DIY skills to make a huge pencil...
SHE LAUGHS
I'm dying! He's actually writing with the big pencil!
Writing his next ideas down there.
...made from a garden stake.
Go on, Steve!
That's the thing. When you retire early, you've got to fill your days.
Yeah. You know, he's making big shit.
He could have turned to drink and drugs,
but at least, you know, he's just making big shit.
His attention to detail is incredible.
He's constantly sizing up the situation.
SHE LAUGHS
He's just wandering around
his friggin' house with big items!
Imagine being his neighbour!
"What are you making today, Steve?"
"Just a fucking massive spanner!"
In Durham...
I had to go my first-ever boob measure in my whole life.
Can't say I've been to one of them. You don't want to go for one.
It was so awkward. She said,
"Do you want me to step out of the room while you get changed?"
I said, "No, I couldn't give a monkey's. It's only a tit." Yep.
...best friends Abbie and Georgia.
I wouldn't do that.
I've got to 26 without having to do that. I just guess.
Yeah, but guessing, she said,
because I've been guessing for 25 years,
she said the bra I was wearing has been lying on my tissue
where the duck pellets are.
Duck pellets?!
What's it called?
Where you breast-feed. Duck...
Your... your ducts?
Ducts! Boob duct? She said my...
Duck pellets?! That's duck food!
She said my bra has been lying on my...
What's it called?
I don't actually know!
On that, so... And it can cause issues if you want to breast-feed.
So now I've got bras that will fit and be perfect
if I ever want to breast-feed in the future,
and not... Oh!
...hurt my... duck... duck feathers or whatever you call it.
This week it was a creepy bestseller turned into a movie
keeping us on our toes.
Oh, I'm excited by this, Nutty. I didn't know this had been made.
This is the book I've just been listening to. Oh, well done!
I feel like the movie's going to be better than the book.
Don't you think? I doubt it. I doubt it.
Books are always better.
But then, you'd never know, because you don't read.
I'm not illiterate, you know that, right?
Sydney Sweeney.... Yeah? ...big Trump fan. Wow!
What, her?! Yeah.
Oh, is that outside Waterstones?
Oh, that's gorgeous! They've even got their own roundabout! Wow!
I'd love my own roundabout.
I'm just going to say, I think you might be overqualified
for this job, with all this experience and a college degree.
No, I know,
I just realised I really enjoy being a housemaid.
She's got all them degrees and she still wants to be a housemaid!
Why can't she get a proper job?
You're going to think it's a little bit small,
but it's got a lot of privacy,
and we figured that that was the most important thing.
Oh, this is going to be her room, up in the attic. Up in the gods.
Well, does that mean that she's got the job, then?
Ta-da! You can make it your own, of course.
Oh, well, yeah, I mean, I'm sold. Come on.
It's lovely. Yeah. That's nice, that.
It's perfect. OK, good.
She likes it, Mary.
It was definitely described a lot worse in the book.
That's not too bad. Oh, here we go with the book!
This is why I hate watching with book readers!
Has that got scratches all round it? It looks like it, Simon.
Looks like... trying to get out.
Oh! Oh, do you think they'll lock her in on a night?
Lock on the exterior. I wouldn't be liking that.
Thought of somebody being able to lock me in that room!
And that's why you're at the top, top, top floor.
You can't even jump out. Yeah, and you can scream as much as you like,
but nobody can hear you.
What?! What's going on here?!
Nina!
Where are they?!
Oh! What?!
Last time I seen someone in the fridge like that, it was Shaun!
Where are what? My PTA notes!
Well, they're not going to be in the bloody fridge, Nina, are they?
Could be, in this house! Yeah...
I found my phone in the fridge before.
With you around,
it could be anywhere, actually.
Hey!
Here's hubby! Come on, calm her down.
What's going on?! Millie threw away my notes for the meeting tonight!
Just sniffing around in his tight vest top.
Yeah. Where's the rest of Take that?
Come on. It's OK.
I'd be pretty freaked out now, right?
Oh, yeah, what, if you're Millie? Yeah!
Definitely, man. Yeah.
A guy who can deal with my crazy, psychotic self?
That's a win right there.
And with arms like his!
Yeah, he's staying.
Later, having asked Millie to pick up some tickets
for a show on Saturday, Nina went off on one again.
What is this?
Uh-oh. Envelope.
They're the Broadway tickets and the hotel reservation.
For Saturday? Yeah.
It's what you asked for.
But why would I have you book tickets
for the day that I'm driving Cece to Arts Camp in DC?
Why would I do that?
Oh, stop it. No, she said... Nina said Saturday. Don't do that.
Is this banter?!
Oh, my days!
Nina, I did what you asked me to do.
Fine. They're going to come out of your pay cheque.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, she's gaslighting her, Lee. Fucking gaslighting her?!
What's that?! I don't even know. Ha!
You know, that's more than I have saved. Hey.
Andrew to the rescue.
What's wrong?
Millie booked tickets for a non-refundable weekend for us
that we can't even use.
Yeah, Millie! Get a grip!
You don't have to pay for anything.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
What is going on here? Yeah.
The vibes are vibing. Mm-hm!
With Nina away from home,
Andrew came up with a good idea for the tickets...
OK, well, just, um, how about you and I go?
Ba-ba-ba-boom! Whoa! Whoa!
Hello! I thought this might be leading up to something like that.
Yes. Yeah.
...and one thing led to another.
I know that you fucked her.
THEY GASP
Nina! I don't know who you are.
Ooh!
I would like you to leave.
Oh! Oh, really?!
To his wife?!
You can't do that.
Now!
SHE SQUEALS
Whoa. Oh.
Oh! Oh!
Where's Nina going? That's the bit I find fascinating.
She doesn't care at the moment, Simon.
THEY CHUCKLE
Whoa! Oh, no!
It's like when you call a quick sub, just after half-time.
Yeah. Just like that.
Single bed? All that house
and they've gone for the single bed in the loft.
Don't look, Steve. Don't look.
Ready?
CORK POPS
Straight in her face!
"You broke... You broke my nose!" "You fucking idiot!"
What's this now?
Where's she at? Rough night.
Has he drugged her?!
Oh! What happened to the room?!
Oh, shit! How long has she been out?
Well, where's the kettle? There was a kettle there, wasn't there?
She can't even make a cup of tea.
SHE GASPS No!
And that's why he had a lock on the outside.
Andrew, can you hear me? Can you let me out?
I will.
Just not yet.
What do you...? What do you mean?
What?! Wh... Why? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?!
What? What are you talking about?
Andrew, open the door. KNOCKING, DOOR KNOB RATTLES
Andrew!
Where's he going?! Andrew! Go back!
SCREAMING: Let me out of here!
NINA SCREAMS
What?! I think Andrew did that with Nina,
and that's why there are all scratch marks on the door.
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
Oh! Oh! Mad laughter!
That's happiness. That's happiness. Is she laughing? Yeah.
That's happiness. Why is she laughing?!
Because she's escaped.
Oh, my... She planned the whole thing.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Whoooo!
Oh! The penny's dropped.
So she was Millie, in Millie's position.
Oh, my God. And she's had to recruit the replacement.
Right!
You know, this just goes to show, you should never trust men.
Especially ones with beautiful piercing blue eyes like that.
And arms like that, as well. Yeah.
It must be lovely, innit? You know what I mean?
Finally think, "Oh..." Yeah. "..I'm free."
Yeah.
It would be, wouldn't it?
THEY LAUGH
♪ In a perfect world
♪ Singing out
♪ In a perfect world
♪ In a perfect, perfect world. ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media