Julie, what's this you've got here? What's what?
Oh, you've got that out of the fridge!
What is it? It's... It's avocado.
Avocado?! Yeah.
Jesus Christ. You're gonna be moving to Chorlton, you, soon.
I'm not moving to Chorlton. They eat lentils.
We don't eat avocado, do we?!
Yeah! You're just getting it in to seem posh. No...
"I've got avocado in the fridge."
# In a perfect world... #
SHE SCREAMS
THEY GROAN
Have you ever done owt like that? Well, I aren't telling you if I had!
# Ba-ba-bap! Ba-ba-bap! #
Oh, Barcelona! Barcelona!
DOG SNEEZES Eurgh!
No, I don't like that this guy's trying to tell me
how to eat my dinner.
BOTH: A what? BOTH:Foot fetish?
I'd no idea that was a thing.
"Remove my britches. Expose your loins."
I like that!
Oh! Oh!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, Ronnie!
This is weird.
Oh, he's a mercenary bugger, isn't he?
This is why I don't date.
That is dicing with the devil. Oh, no!
He suffers for his art, doesn't he? Clearly.
BOTH: A Bentley Continental?!
I think I'd rather call it a day, nutty, wouldn't you?
# Who's been arrested now
# And for what? #
In the week the BBC announced a new presenting trio on Strictly,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
A blast from the past from down under
was doing her thing on Eurovision...
# The world stops for us
# Only love exists... #
I mean, for Australia, having Delta Goodrem in here,
you know, this is like us putting Adele up.
Why don't we put Adele up?
Because she wouldn't be seen dead at Eurovision, Soph.
It is shite.
..we finally got to see who was first past the post on BBC One...
"Please sign in overleaf
"and find out if you won the race and 20,000."
Imagine taking your dad on race across the world.
Sorry! I mean, find him first.
My dad's probably racing across the world.
He's been racing across the world since 1983.
..and there was no escape for dodgy drivers on Channel 5.
On the floor, now!
It is what it is, innit? We find them, we lock them up.
If I ever got pulled over... I wish - I would hope to be there.
I think I'd be stunned,
like a hamster when they see light.
I think it's normally deers.
Not hamsters!
In Wiltshire...
I've been starting to tackle my man cave, Mary...
And? ..and all the stuff from my mother's house.
This is called family 45 records.
..Giles and his wife Mary.
That's the most annoying record of all time, nutty.
What's that? Manhattan Transfer, Chanson d'Amour.
Oh, dreadful! Shall I sing it?
# Ra da da da da... # No!
# Ra da da da da... # No, no. It was the most awful record ever.
# Chanson d'amour... # Stop it!
# Ra da da da da... # Right... Do you remember it, Mary?
Yeah, I do. I hated it.
How's that come back into our lives?
On Saturday night, the BBC was live from Vienna
for the biggest song contest of the year.
Eeyah, this is your first-ever Eurovision. Are you watching it?
Watch it - Eurovision!
I don't know why we need so many bloody flags, Soph.
Well, it's all the countries, in't it?
I know, but I'm not arsed about all the others.
Just the UK.
Just the UK!
Do you know you're as old as the Eurovision Song Contest?
Am I? 70 years old, it is.
God. Bloody hell.
I'm glad I can't remember the first one.
It's bad enough having to sit through this one.
After some stiff competition, it was the UK's chance to shine.
GRAHAM NORTON:There he is! Look Mum No Computer.
Look Mum No Computer?
Has he got a name, or is he Look Mum No Computer?
I mean, I'm sure he's got a real.
I don't think he was, like, born that.
I mean, that's not on his birth certificate.
Come on! Look Mum No Computer - Eins, Zwei, Drei.
"Look Mum No Computer, Eins, Zwei, Drei?"
Sprechen sie Deutsch?
This is supposed to be really crazy.
It is. I've heard it, it's good.
# So sick of doing the whole 9 to 5
# I pay my dues I'm just staying alive
# And I'm so bored of it, bored of it... #
Oh, we've lost.
Yeah, we've lost. Put that away for another year.
# The office cubicle has trapped me again
# Am I a mouse in a cage, am I... #
What the hell?!
HE LAUGHS
God, for the UK act, this has gone very Eurovision, this has. Yeah.
Ah, if only there was a language that I could count in.
He looks like if the two Jedward brothers were one.
Yes!
# Eins, zwei, drei Darlin', I need something salty
# Eins, zwei, drei... #
I quite like this! Get into it!
# Eins, zwei, drei... #
I think this is a bit avant-garde for me, Mary.
# Eins, zwei, drei With a slice of pepperoni... #
HE LAUGHS BOTH:With a slice of pepperoni?!
# With a slice of pepperoni! #
Eeh. I could actually add this to my Spotify. No.
# I'm comin' back to life.
# Eins, zwei, drei... #
I don't know what's going on here.
I think it might be me.
Am I too old for this?
# Countin' in English doesn't cut the mustard
# So sick of munching roly-poly with custard... #
Roly-poly with fucking custard?
He's just saying words that rhyme, innit? Yeah.
# Eins, zwei, drei Darlin', I need something salty
# Eins, zwei, drei
# ..with a slice of pepperoni... #
I don't mind this record, but I'd like it to stop now.
He's had enough time.
When I say "eins", you say "zwei"!
Eins! BOTH:Zwei!
# I spy! #
I don't think he's saying I spy!
When I say "eins", you say "zwei"!
HE LAUGHS
I think... I think we've nailed it this year, Julie,
to be honest with you.
I can hear the phone lines buzzing in for this!
Honestly... 12 points everywhere. Honestly...!
Honestly, if I had unlimited minutes on my phone,
I'd be ringing up to vote for this.
You have! Oh...
Battery's flat.
In north London...
Amani, I'm really nervous.
My friend's organising this thing where we're meeting
like a whole bunch of new people...
Mm-hm. ..and I'm a bit nervous.
I've got social anxiety,
and, like, so I want to debut, like, a new laugh.
A new laugh? A new laugh. So I'm gonna try them out.
Tell me which one's the best. OK!
..sisters Amira and Amani.
I was thinking like a silent laugh.
Oh, my days. OK! Yeah, like one of these ones...
Yeah?
That - that's my... like, a silent laugh, you know?
You need help. Cos...!
You actually need help.
Can you just be normal?
My normal is, "HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
"AH-HA-HA!"
That's my normal. I can't do that.
WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER
Yeah, definitely don't do that.
I don't - I can't open my mouth that big, I really shouldn't.
It's not ladylike.
On Tuesday night, we were back at the coalface on Channel 4.
Can't have barbecues at the minute.
We had bloody hailstone the other day.
We've been having four seasons in a day.
You don't know what bloody coat to put on.
Oh, man, I can't wait. I get the shorts out, the T-shirt,
clean up the drum.
Oh, look at Sarah. She's looking at me, like...
What, the jerk drum's coming out?
Yes, the jerk drum is coming out.
Hoo-hoo! The jerk chicken is coming out, girl.
JAMIE OLIVER: The first glimpse of sunshine,
and we just want to get outside and barbecue.
Correct, we do - and I bloody tried that the other day.
It was sunny all the time,
then everyone came round, it pissed it down.
You're smashing it, man.
I've never seen dad so excited about anything.
That's brilliant. It's just barbecue! I love it.
What's on the barbie menu today, then?
So, this is going to be a celebration of breakfast.
HE GASPS
OK. Are you watching this? OK. Are you listening? Yeah.
The full monty English breakfast - but not as you know it.
No, I don't think people have got the energy, Mary.
You gotta get the barbecue going before you can cook on it.
Yeah. You have to start that up at five in the morning, yeah?
So instead of turning, like, 20 bits of bacon,
use a skewer like that.
Ultimately, you've got one thing to turn instead of 20.
GASPS:It's like a little bacon skirt.
Oh, that's sick!
So you're whifting and wafting.
Yeah! Bada-bing, bada-boom.
Then, when it comes to the sausage,
I'm going to do pretty much the same.
Two skewers holding four sausages.
I don't like fat sausages. I like chipolatas.
But we have an opportunity
to add some flavours that sausages absolutely love.
That's onion and sage.
Red onion! Red onion. It's always got to be red onion,
not white onion. Oh, not this debate again. Not always.
Always red onion!
Sage, honestly, it's something I'd never think to use on food.
Like, genuinely. When have you ever used sage?
I've never in my life.
A lot of people put the charcoal everywhere.
Yeah - you do.
We don't want that. We want control.
Oh, there you go, Steve. You listening?
Now, if you've got a gas barbecue, really simple.
Turn one side on full whack, and then the other side on off.
Why don't you know that?
Right. That's what we done, Jamie. Fucking simple.
Gas barbecue.
There's a reason we're not living in caves any more, Jamie.
With the mushrooms here,
take the little stalk in the middle...
Love mushrooms. I hate mushrooms.
I've never tried a mushroom, actually.
..and just cut it off.
Peel the mushrooms.
Who knew you could peel mushrooms?! Oh, yeah.
I love peeling a mushroom like that, Simon.
Really? So therapeutic.
With the mushrooms, turn those over.
I'm going to take a great cheese - halloumi.
We keep forgetting about halloumi, nutty. We do.
Do you know what? I'm not arsed about halloumi.
I think it's overrated. Oh...
I think people just say,
"Oh, yeah, can I have halloumi?"
and they, like, really love halloumi. They don't really.
It's just jumping on the bandwagon.
Just get the core side of a grater.
It's kind of chewy, but it's also a little bit oozy.
Grating halloumi. I've never seen that.
Maybe I should grate halloumi. I've done everything else with it.
Not everything.
As that bacon starts to get crispy...
Yeah, what's going on with the bacon?
..you can pick it up. Look at that.
Come on!
And all the drippings can be brushed over your sausage.
Well. If ever there was a euphemism...
You've taken it one step too far for me, Jamie.
So, look, I love the idea of, like, pushing barbecue to the next level.
So, an egg going into the pepper...
It's very cool.
Peppers with a fry up?
Yeah. Probably the only thing I'm not loving so far. OK.
Peppers are for fajitas.
Oh, right. And fajitas only.
The smell is incredible!
Oh, look at that!
Oh! Oh, where did he come from?!
What the hell?!
Hold on!
Oh! Oh! That's the pizza guy. What's his name?
It's not Donatella Versace... No, he's...he's clothes.
G-Gennaro?
Go, go, go, go!
A little bit of basil on there. Yeah.
Beautiful. Are you ready to eat?
I am, yeah. Yeah.
If he brought that to the table, I'd say,
"Well, that's all very well, Jamie.
"Could I have mine not burnt?"
Tuck in.My God, what a breakfast you've prepared for me!
Alleluia!
You'd have a full tin of beans, easily,
with your breakfast, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah. And so would you.
I might eat up both them tins of beans.
Let's buy that barbecue, Mary.
It looks so... But we've got one.
I know, but it's crap.
Is it? You haven't even tried it yet.
No, I just don't like old things.
Well... The older I get, the more I want new things, Mary.
What? That's the irony. I like to buy new fresh things. Well, too bad.
I've had a lifetime of hand-me-downs and I'm fed up with it.
I deserve better. No, you don't deserve... I deserve better.
You certainly do not! I deserve one of these, Mary. You don't!
In Blackpool...Tell you what, it was bloody melting, that barbecue
that we hosted the other night, wasn't it? Yeah.
I say we - me and Ben. Yeah, not me. It were all good produce that
and all - meat from the butchers, food from the fancy supermarket.
..Pete and his little sister, Sophie.Well,
the highlight of the whole barbecue for me was,
because you were running late, because you were held up at work,
Mum said to Eva,
"Oh, where's Daddy?" And Eva turned round to her and went,
"Is it Zumba?"
Just cos Paige goes to Zumba on a Thursday,
now everybody goes to Zumba. Just the thought of you at Zumba!
Running late for the barbecue. I can't make it to t'barbecue.
I'm just Zumba-ing at the moment. This week,
the strange goings-on continued on Apple TV.
If you looked at it and it says Widow's Bay,
you think, there's something going wrong there.
Why is it called a Widow's Bay? Because all the men die.
Exactly. So you wouldn't go, would you?
I wouldn't mind going there, actually.
Free next week.
We've never had so many visitors. Oh.
What's that? Princess Anne. What?
How do you know that's Princess Anne?
No, sorry. Whatcha called? Florence Nightingale?
Exactly.
Country lanes at night-time. Forget it.
It's pretty spooky. Yeah.
Hello. What's he looking at?
Somebody's in the road.
Old lady. Oh, no. They're the worst.
Miss?Oh, no. No, no.
There's something very wrong with that figure, Mary.
Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride?!
Oh, hang on, Tom, now. Is he for real?
What is that? She doesn't look well. It's Kate Bush, Nutty.
No, it isn't.
Yep. Reverse. Bye!
Oh, look. Look at her now! Oh, God!
Oh! Oo-oo-oo!
I can't reverse that quick either. He's good, though.
Whoa! What was that?
Something went down the side of the car. I know.
THEY SCREAM
Oh, my God!
She scratched his arm, so. Now he's genuinely frightened,
Mary. He's been touched by a ghoul. Sounds like the Sea Hag.
The what? Your scratch.The Sea Hag. Old fisherman's lore.
You heard of it?Another old lore that I've not heard of.
The Hag targets lonely sailors and follows them home at night.
She scratches you,
and she gets some of your skin under her fingernails
so she can track you down like a bloodhound.
She could track him down anywhere now.
She can track him down by the skin under her fingernails.
Imagine having a woman that interested.
To find out more about the Sea Hag, Mayor Tom popped to Wyck's.
Have you ever heard of a Hag? I have.
Cheeky git! I only know the Sea Hag!
Specifically one that scratches you and then tracks you down?
The look on his face says it's not good.
I would be saying that face is now alarming me.
Yeah. Can I tell you again and you do a different face?
Every sailor knows the story of the Hag.
Oh, they would, though. Every sailor?
He knows a lot, doesn't he? I don't understand.
How do you die? No, I don't neither.
She crawls into your bed and sits on your face.
What?
Look, look, look! He's getting weak, isn't he?
Yeah. The scratch is taking effect.
He's bleeding. The cut's bleeding.
Oh! He's bleeding even more. So she'll be able to smell that man.
Don't fall asleep, Tom. She'll have you!
Oh! Oh, God. Sit up, sit up!
Oh, no! Oh, there she is. No! Oh, no!
Simon, look where she's coming up from.
Oh, my God! Oh, my life!
He can't move!
Ooh, look at those nails! Oh! Hang on. Oh!
No, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, my God. She's going to sit on his face!
Oh, my God!
Oh, he's going to recline the chair.
Oh! Oh!
Catapulted her over his shoulder!
Quick, quick, quick. Shut the door!
Is he getting in the bath? What good is that going to be?
Stop breathing. Sh! Is, um, a shower
curtain sufficient to keep her out? I don't know.
And he didn't lock the door either, did he?
Oh! She's coming. She's getting in! Oh, Lord! The head will appear.
It's not the head I'm worried about.
Oh, here she comes. Oh! Oh, the smell. He can smell her.
Oh, he's retching. Oh, you would be, though, wouldn't you? Ooh!
Hey!Oh, who's that?
It's Wyck!
He got her! Can you kill her?
Oh, no!
Oh! What is that? Is she dead?
Where is she?
She's turned into sea water, hasn't she?
What are you thinking about?
Don't get no funny ideas, you know!
Who would your ideal smother be?
Nitro!
With those arse cheeks, it'd be quick and painless.
In Hull...Hey, do you know the other day, Jenny? Yeah.
There was a police van - speeders, you know. Oh, camera?
Yeah. I'm surprised you haven't been done yet.
Why? ..best friends Jenny and Lee.
You know when you say you go slow? Yeah, I do.
You do not. You was like a shit off a fucking rabbit in there.
On your car. You was. Look at you laughing.
Cos you know, don't you?
I couldn't even keep up with you. What...
What's shit off a rabbit?!
What do you mean, shit off a...
On Sunday night, there were more mad mutts on Channel 5.
There's no such thing as a bad dog. Just a bad owner.
You're quite right.
He seems to be obsessed by you for some reason.
Well, he must be the only one in the family who is. But he's...
Unless you've been feeding him from the table...
Have you? Well, then, you need look no further.
It's cupboard love.
What's this telly? This is nothing to do with you.
This is how the other dogs behave. Not you.
First up, Graeme's in God's own country.Yorkshire!
Well, I'm in Yorkshire today, near Barnsley.
Budgie's from Barnsley. She is, isn't she?
Oh! Nathan and Kathy... Whoa! Wow! Look at him.
..got six-year-old Rio as a puppy.
Oh, he's too big, isn't he?
I wouldn't want to feed that.
I tell you. I couldn't afford to. No.
He's a fantastic dog with a strange personality.
David, a strange personality? Oh, David's gorgeous.
Come on, big lad! Now a 15st adult...
Ooh! 15st?! I'm not far off.
I'm not, though. Come on! Come on, Ri.
He takes some manoeuvring about at times.
Come on now, big boy. Bet he does. He don't want to get out of the car.
He don't want to go out. Come on, Rio.
No, no, don't pancake, please. He knows this is the vet.
Which one of ours was it? It was Bobby.
He knew when he was at the vets.
He didn't like getting out of the car at the vets either.
No. Rio, please. Look!
I don't think saying "please, Rio" is going to do any good.
Do you? No. I don't like going to the dentist.
Exactly. It's the equivalent. Yeah. I remember I've had to get
in and pull you out like this a couple of times.
Yeah. To get a filling.
Rio! And that's not the only issue. What else is there?
Oh, God. There's more.
He will not walk upstairs for anybody.
Oh, golly, oh, golly.
He's a pain in the neck, isn't he? He's stubborn,
isn't he, that dog? Even at home, where bedrooms are up them.
You know what they need there? Stairlift.
What, for the dog? Yeah.
Graeme's meeting Rio...Come on! ..at his vet's car park.
Morning. Come on, Graeme, sort this Rio out.
So what do you do eventually to get him out?
How does this end?Come on!
And then we drag him and pull him, and then he falls out.
Oh, they pull him out on the rope. Gee!
What a palaver. Just down the road, there's another car park.
Oh! What is this one that you don't like?
Oh, we're using the push and pull technique now, are we?
Oh, yeah. Oh, you got there in the end.
Oh, my goodness, Mary. Poor Kathy. You know,
think about it. She's retired.
And this is the shit she's having to do here.
She's on all fours in the back of a Berlingo.
Yeah. Not how she planned to spend her retirement out.
So, basically, anywhere you go, he just refuses to get out?
No. Not really.
There's one place he will go. Where's that?
The pub? That's where I'd go.
And that's the pub.
The pub? He loves the pub!
He knows where he's going, doesn't he?
Yeah. Good Lord!Look at that. Straight in.
There's a spring in his step now.
There's always dog treats in the pub.
That's the thing. There is dog treats in the pub.
You're right there, Shaun.
Oh! Can he have his usual, please?
His usual? Which is?
What's he getting?
THEY LAUGH
He's giving him crisps?
Back at the house,
Graeme had some pub treats for Rio to get him up the stairs.
Now, remember, we need to hit this with a bit of pub energy.
Pub energy! GILES CHUCKLES
Come on, pub energy! Come on, everybody! Giving it pub!
Come on! Rio!
Rio, come on! Come on, Rio!
He's weighing it up. Yeah.
Up, up, up! Come on!
Rio, come on! Come on!
Yay! Come on, then! Come on!
Yeah, you can do it!
Yeah. Yay!
Come on! We're doing it now. Oh, I know!
Go on, Rio! Come on! Come on!
CHEERING
Go on, Rio!
Clever lad.
You've never been up here! LAUGHING
He's up!
And who would've thought by feeding a dog treats
it would actually do what you want? It would do... Exactly.
Never come across that.
In Wiltshire...
Now, I'm just doing an inquest about this pork pie, Nutty.
Oh, yes. Are you pleased with it?
Erm, sadly, no.
..Giles and his wife Mary.
And I'm not being funny nor nothing, Mary,
but that is not a proper pork pie.
So what? It's nicer than a pork pie.
It's a sophisticated... It's called a pork and pickle pie...
Yes. ..which should immediately send red lights...buzzing
in anyone's head.
It's soggy. Ew.
Oh, you horrible man. Stop touching it!
I'm going to take it away... It's soggy. ..if you're ungrateful.
There are 100 men who would say,
"Ooh, that's a sophisticated take on a pork pie, Mary.
"I'm going to have that, thank you."
You're not having it again.
On Monday, the police were on patrol again on Channel 5.
I think you'd be quite a good Interceptor cos...
I think if I was the driver and you were giving me directions,
we would intercept a lot of criminals. Oh, yeah.
If I was the driver and you were giving direction,
we'd end up in Wales.
Intercepting a ditch. Yeah.
Do you know the reason why I couldn't be a police officer?
Too short.
No.
I wouldn't be able to remember me collar number.
That's... That's not a very nice thing to say.
There's a van that's just hit the camera at Alfred Street.
Oh, the old ANPR's triggered off.
What's that?
Automatic Number Plate Recognition.
Get you!
Could work in the police.
So, comments marker, I think I put it on two days ago,
the vehicle's in a bad condition.
Oh. Uh-oh.
I didn't know Alastair Campbell had joined the police!
So, a white van, while I was off-duty,
I noticed that the windscreen was all smashed.
Goes to bed wearing the badge.
Welly Road, my sister's shop used to be on there.
Oh, is that where it was? Yeah.
There we go, it's her, innit?
After a few minutes,
Michael arrives in the area the van last triggered ANPR.
Oh, he's gonna find him if it kills him.
Yeah, he's looking. Yeah, Michael's gonna have him.
There it is.
So he lights him up, and the chap complies.
Comply or die.
OK, so reason I'm stopping you, obviously your windscreen's smashed.
Oh, I've had that before.
Literally happened this morning. No, it didn't.
Oh, porky pies!
Oh, he's a chancer, isn't he?
"Oh, just happened this morning, that. Stone on the road."
It's got no MOT and no tax.
No MOT?
THEY LAUGH
I love it, the way he's going... "No MOT?"
Are you sure?
I wouldn't say that, you see. I would say, "It's a fair cop, guv,
"and you've got me bang to rights." Mm.
Right, cos your tax has expired
and it's out of date by three months or more...
LEE GASPS
..it gives us the power to seize your vehicle.
Take it, it's smashed anyway.
I'd give him it and say, "Here, take it, mate."
While the driver gathers his things...
Michael's going to have him for fly-tipping in a minute. I think so.
Handbrake don't work, does it?
It does. It does not work!
What did he...? The handbrake don't work.
What the hell has he been doing?
There's nothing on that at all.
That's the handbrake?
Or it's NOT the handbrake. Yeah.
It's like Fred Flintstone's car.
Doesn't even start now.
How does the van start?
Just got to wiggle it a bit, lad. Yeah. Shake it.
Give it a jimmy and then rock right to left
and the engine'll start, yeah.
Oh, my God, it's a shed on blood wheels, that thing.
So, those are the details you need to give
to get your vehicle back, all right?
Thanks very much. All right?
Good luck to you.
Have a nice day.
ON PHONE: Our policies require them to have a valid MOT and tax.
Oh! He's got a hat-trick here has mate who was driving. Yeah.
..saying that the vehicle is taxed and MOT'd.
If it is not, it immediately invalidates his cover.
You know he's like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes!"
So he's not insured now. Oh, my God. Oh, God.
The driver pleaded guilty to no insurance, no MOT,
and driving a dangerous vehicle.
What does he get, then?
He got six points on his licence
and over £1,700 in fines.
1,700 quid in fines.
Shit a brick.
More than the van's worth.
SHE LAUGHS
Offset it against the van.
Can I part-ex the van on my fines?
In the Cotswolds...
Oh, my God, the tiredness in my body knows no bounds.
Well, the tiredness in his body, but he's to blame.
He's completely to blame.
I don't know what that was about,
until 4:30 in the morning last night.
..Andrew and his husband Alfie.
Were you literally up all night with him? Yes, pretty much.
OK, this is not funny, Pablo.
Yeah, I need a nap, kid.
Excuse me. Pablo. Hello? Wake up.
I'm not surprised he's like that. Pablo.
Are you interested in watching television?
Earth to Pablo.
Not happening.
That should be me.
On Friday, it was all eyes on Burnham
in a by-election on BBC News.
It should come out.
Go on! Go on!
He ain't there, Ann. He is.
What are you flapping about with?
He's not there.
In southern Ireland, it's such a small community
that the news is genuinely interesting,
and they would have somebody on saying...
BAD IRISH ACCENT:"A woman's car broke down
"in, erm, Blanchardstown yesterday at three o'clock
"and a very kind man stopped and helped her to get it going again.
"When she got home, she found his jacket in the back of the car
"and she's no idea what his name was.
"If you're watching, would you come forward?"
NORMAL VOICE:And then by the end of the programme... Yeah.
..the man whose car it was would've rung in. Yes.
Do they all speak as if they've got a Jamaican accent, Nutty?
Jamaicans and Irish are very, very similar.
Jamaican and Irish is very similar.
Good evening and welcome to the BBC News at Six.
BAD IRISH ACCENT:A lorry driver parked his car on O'Connell Street
yesterday, just left it for a minute, but while he was gone,
somebody stole his mobile phone
with his last pictures of his daughter on them.
Would you give it back?
The Mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy Burnham,
has tonight been given permission by Labour's ruling body,
the National Executive Committee, to stand in the Makerfield by-election.
Which is what he was hoping for.
It's happening. Cos he can't go for Prime Minister if he isn't an MP.
Yes, a bit tricky, that one.
After he was blocked from taking part in another by-election
earlier this year.
Oh, he was, yeah, that's right.
He would've won that, as well. Keir blocked him.
Team Burnham, so we want him doing all right across the country.
The Labour MP Josh Simons announced he was stepping down yesterday
to give Andy Burnham a chance to make it back to the Commons.
Don't you find it all quite creepy and weird, this?
Cos the chap's had to give up, hasn't he?
Said, "Right, I'll give up, and you can stand in my seat." Yeah.
Allowing him then to challenge Sir Keir Starmer for the leadership.
Yeah, but he has to win that seat.
It's not guaranteed, is it? No. No.
Of course he'll win that seat. He's the king of the north.
Get ready for an almighty by-election race.
Oh, dear.
A bit small, the shorts, aren't they?
Andy Burnham has been given the green light
to apply to be Labour's candidate.
He's doing the old, er, Boris Johnson method,
running in tiny shorts.
It worked for him.
I don't know if it did!
I'd be fuming if someone caught me like that, honestly.
You've got to give it to him, though, his calves are really good.
Are they not? Look at them.
All right? All right, mate, yeah. Good to see you, man.
The Mayor of Greater Manchester is popular with Labour's left...
Well, he's popular with that one man.
"Good to see you, man." Yeah, he got one.
It's quite a feat to nail a handshake
on an escalator going the other way.
..who think he could turn things around for the Government
and could soon be challenging Keir Starmer
for the keys to Downing Street.
I think Burnham's done a decent job around Manchester.
He stopped the congestion charge and that's good enough for me.
That would've cost us silly money every day.
Now he's made the buses better.
The Prime Minister wants you to think he's getting on with the job.
Wants YOU to think he's getting on with the job.
He really wants you to think that, yeah. But, actually,
the economic indicators over the last few weeks are bloody good.
The country, GDP had gone up
and waiting times on the NHS had gone down.
So it's like he's quietly getting on with it.
There's a lot of stuff that needs fixing.
Do we really need to be messing about
with a bloody leadership change? No.
We don't, do we? I don't think.
In Makerfield today, Labour were out campaigning already...
You'd be buzzing if you were from Makerfield, wouldn't you?
Putting your town on map, be a chance to get your head on telly.
Exactly. You'd be up and down t' high street, wouldn't you,
all t' time trying to get someone to throw a mic at you
so you can give an opinion?
..including Josh Simons, the man who's standing down
to give Andy Burnham a route back into Parliament.
It depends how many people turn out on the day, innit,
how much they're interested?
But saying that, this is building up a lot of interest in it,
so people will come out to vote, won't they? Hopefully.
Cos this could be, like, country changing leadership.
A bumpy week for Labour, the Government, and the country.
It's unlikely to be the last.
I just think, are we ever going to have a Prime Minister
do the full term that they've been elected for?
It'd be nice, wouldn't it? It'd be nice for a change. Yeah.
The pound is plummeting,
and they're going to throw the country into disarray...
Yeah. ..when there's a global stage we should be standing on.
And, yes, Keir Starmer is boring,
but it's early on, just let him get on with it,
because no-one else, at this stage, is going to make it any better.
They're not. They're going to probably make it worse.
In Blackpool...Soph, you know how Paige has been begging me
to get rid of the three-wheeled van out the garage?
Have you sold it? No. No, she's never getting sold.
But I've been able to put it in a lock-up.
..Pete and his little sister Sophie.
I managed to get it in the back of a long wheelbase transit van.
Jesus Christ. Almost like a Russian doll set-up.
Straight in the back of a van. Van in a van. Yeah.
So, we lifted it straight in, it was dead easy.
But to get it out, we thought, "Oh, well, we'll just roll it out."
So we put the two planks either side to wheel it out.
Only we'd forgotten that it was three wheels.
Yeah, what about the middle wheel?
Well... THEY LAUGH
As we're pushing it out the back of the van... Oh, no.
..it just went... SHE LAUGHS
On Thursday night,
the end was in sight for these backpackers on BBC One.
Watch out! Beep, beep!
Race Across The World. Sit!
It's now not Race Across The world, Soph, it's The Final Race.
Final Race Across The World. Across The World.
I mean, could you imagine me doing Race Across The World, Steve?
I'd have to get taxis everywhere.
And then where would... Taxi. Limo.
Let's do this. 5:00am.
Departing as race leaders for the second time...
Thank you. Thank you so much. ..Jo and Kush.This is it.
This is the last leg now, innit? Last leg.
Do you know, these are real good mates, these two. Yeah, they are.
They've got each other through it, I think. Hatgal. Let's go.
Hatgal. Hatgal. Hatgal! Hatgal!
Hatgal. Where the hell's that? Mongolia.
The boys plan to swing east,
taking a chance on connections from the capital
to Mongolia's second largest city, Erdenet.
That's the route I'd take. The train?
Well, where you're well-connected. Yeah.
It's a bit like sometimes you just gotta go into London
to get back out. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
Let's find an overnight train to Erdenet.
What the hell? Oh, what's the matter?
Don't tell me they're all cancelled.
What are you thinking? There's no trains we can get tonight.
No trains they can get tonight.
God. Get a bus. A bus? Autobus?
"Un bus." "Beep-beep."
No? Only train ticket.
This is really a case of computer says no, Nutty, isn't it? Yeah.
They've dropped a bollock herself. This could be the difference
between winning or losing this, you know.
Andrew and Molly have pushed into the lead
by arriving into Tsetserleg.
Oh, they've gone the other route.
OK, they've overtaken them. Yeah. This is going to be close.
Can we ask you a really important question?
We need to get to Jargalant. Jargalant.
They are enlisting the help of guest house owner
and tour operator Murray.
Oh, now, that's clever. A tour operator.
He's going to know what he's doing, doesn't he?
Andrew and Molly. Jammy, aren't they?
Landed right on their feet with him, haven't they?
That's it there. OK.
How many Jargalants are there?
Oh, there's loads of them. What, all the same names? Yeah.
Throughout Mongolia, it's common for places to share the same name,
Jargalant being especially popular.
There's loads!
Well, how do you know which bleeding Jargalant you're going to go?
Well, I suppose you've got to go for the one in the middle.
Middle Jargalant. Yeah, it's that middle one.
"Take me direct to middle Jargalant." Not gonna go over
to the right, are you? Fuck right Jargalant.
Oh, my goodness.
This is travelling, Jane.
Oh, my God, look at that road!
Well, that's a boneshaker, isn't it?
You'd be as sick as a dog. Oh!
Very in the middle of nowhere.
Andrew and Molly have arrived in Jargalant.
Oh, they're there. Jargalant. Here we go.
I hope this is the right Jargalant. So do I.
ALL:Oh!
Oh, no! He's took him to the wrong one. He's took him to the wrong one.
He's took him to the wrong one. No!
Well, I mean, there was five. It's easy done.
Where is he?
I don't understand. I don't understand either,
but I know you're in the wrong frigging place.
We pointed to the right one, I think, on the map last night.
This is where the blame game starts now.
The dad's mad, he's just gone silent.
She's the mouthpiece in this. He's gone nonverbal.
Are we in the wrong one?
You know what? You won't be the first, you won't be the last
that's mixed up your Jargalants.
Surely, now they have to rethink what they're doing. Oh, yeah.
They can't be staying in Jargalant any more.
No, no, Jargalant is a no-go now.
They'll have to go to Jargalant instead. Yeah.
Later in the programme, after getting things back on track,
both teams were closing in on the finish line.
Let's go. Let's go.
I see it, Katie. I'm coming!
Right, come on. Who's in front?
Is that... Is that the end? ..Molly and Andrew? I can't tell.
No, no. I can't tell. I think it's Jo and Kush.
This is it, bro.
Oh, they're nearly there. Yeah.
Oh, let the best team win. Come on. Yeah.
I feel sick, I feel sick.
I think that's the boys. It's the boys. Are they first?
Well, let's see, when the open the book.
If you open that book and there's another name in it, you'd be sick,
wouldn't you? "You've successfully reached the finish line."
"Please sign in overleaf and find if you won the race."
Yeah, but are they the first? Who's the first? Who's first?
Oh, turn it over! I know, it's killing me, the suspense.
I know, yeah. Come on!
Three. Two. One.
They won. THEY CHEER
Oh! Fantastic, boys!
Oh, my God!
THEY SHOUT AND LAUGH
Yo!
Well, they deserved to win. You need to sign it first, you cretin!
Yeah, cos someone could come up behind you
while you're larking around.
I think if, um...
I would have won £10,000 at 19 years old,
it would have been blown in River Island and on Jagerbombs.
I feel sorry for Jo and Kush because there's not going to be
a Wetherspoons around there to celebrate in.
In Leeds...
I'm practising my waitress skills.
Look. Daniella, you're stressing me out.
Why? Keep it sensible. Oh, God, you know what?
You ruin all the fun. I don't ruin the fun.
I just like to play it safe.
..best friends Danielle and Daniella.
Show me. How would you carry them? Show me.
You only had two. And a mug.
So you hold it like that.
And then, see these two here, that's a stable... Yeah?
Oh, piss... Oh!
THEY LAUGH
On Sunday night, a bunch of Gen Z's were swapping their lives
for something completely different on Channel 5.
If somebody took over my... They'd love it. Oh, yeah. They wouldn't
want to go back to their normal life. No, they wouldn't.
They're likely being a lazy bastard.
HE LAUGHS
Is this that film with, erm... With that man in it... No.
..where they're... No. No.
If you had to trade places, who would you trade places with?
With Nitro's wife.
Jesus. Yeah. You didn't take long enough to think about that. No.
That was instantaneous, that was. I know. Bang! Yeah.
Steeped in history and tradition...
..Christ College Brecon
is among the most prestigious boarding schools in the country.
It's so prestigious, we haven't heard of it. Yeah.
I think it's quite prestigious in Wales.
And it's about to welcome three new students who'd written school off.
This is like the real-life boarders. Yeah.
I'm not an academic person at all. I get easily distracted.
That's like me. Mm.
I like to question authority. If I don't understand why
you're telling me to do something, I'm just not going to do it.
This is going to be interesting. I love these shows, man.
That's going to go down well, in the private school.
I used to get in trouble just from talking too much.
Me too. Here, I'm like all of these children in the back of this car.
Just all mixed into one.
They're going to mix with people that want to do well.
Which might brush off. Exactly.
Christ college is run by headmaster Mr Pearson...
He looks rather fierce.
..a no-nonsense former Royal Marine...Oh, bloody hell.
..who leads the school with a cast-iron belief in the Brecon way.
People are like dogs. Dogs need to be trained
and disciplined and punished, and people need to be punished, too,
if they're not working.
For a prospective family looking to buy this education,
that could be £250,000 over five or six years.
A lot of money. What?! How much?!
50 grand a year? That's more than me house is worth.
You'll come here for breakfast, lunch and supper.
Breakfast is quite early, by the way. 7:30. 7:30am?
Yeah, "am". It's breakfast. She's literally doing the maths.
She's like, "I'm going to have to get up at 4:00am
"so I can get my edges laid."
The next day, after an early start, it was off to assembly.
Got to be on time. I'm actually going to die.
I think the discipline might be hard for them.
If you take your coat off. Yeah. Thank you. I'll live.
It's just you'll be the only one and you won't want to stand out.
I think she does want to stand out. That is her aim.
Well, can you take your cape off?
I'd be saying, "You've got a cape on, son."
Why is it so formal? They all come walking in in a straight line.
That would not happen at my school.
She can't understand why the other children are disciplined.
She's never seen disciplined children before.
Yeah. No-one's like, "Oh, yeah, high five, oh, my days."
Now, you may have noticed that we've got three brave young people
that are going to join us as pupils for the week.
"Oh, my God, I'm going to die."
So, in no particular order, we have Shadiya.
HE LAUGHS She's like, "Why?
"Why you got to do that for?"
..Danny and Molly. Do come down.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, they're bringing them down!
Oh, put the spotlights on them as well.
HE LAUGHS
They're getting a good reception.
"This is what poor children look like. Please come to the front."
Later on, we saw the visiting students join an English lesson.
We're going to continue our study of Thomas Hardy's poems
that he wrote in the wake of the death of his wife.
Who's that? I only know Tom Hardy the actor.
I know a lot about him. HE LAUGHS
I want you to write on the window or the board
just what stands out to you. On the window?
I think he's saying he's, like, gone crazy cos he's dead.
For Shadiya, this way of learning is a game-changer.
Is she liking this now?
We were writing on, like, the windows and stuff. It was different.
No wonder why they get better results in boarding school.
Cos they write on the windows? No, cos they just do a different method.
Ah.
Hardy is tired of feeling the grief of losing Emma.
Go on, Shadiya. She's interested now.
However, this is a paradox of grief
as he pairs the word with craze, which contradicts himself.
Fucking hell. Oh!
What the heck? Mate, she's quite clever.
Mic drop. She said, "Mic drop," in front of the teacher.
Like that, yeah. "I can do this. I can do this."
"I can do this." Yeah. "In this environment,
"this suits me, but it costs 50 grand."
Do you know, I love me children.
Do I love them quarter of a million quid apiece for education?
No. I don't think I do.
# In a perfect world
# Singing
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect world... #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media