.
- SO WHAT WAS SO PRESSING THAT YOU DEMANDED A WORK LUNCH?
WHAT, WARRANTS PILING UP? EVIDENCE TO REVIEW?
- FULLY LOADED POTATO SKIN TUESDAY.
OH, I HAD A CRAVING,
AND IT'S JUST SO GROSS TO EAT ALONE.
IT'S MUCH FUNNER TO SHARE IT WITH YOUR FAVORITE BAILIFF.
- UH-UH, NO, NO, I CAN'T EAT LIKE THAT.
LOOK, NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I'LL HAVE A BELLY
AND LOOK LIKE WINNIE-THE-POOH IN ALL MY T-SHIRTS.
- MMM.
TAKE A SUBTLE, VERY SUBTLE LOOK ACROSS THE BAR.
SEE THAT GUY SITTING OVER THERE?
HE LOOK FAMILIAR? - WHERE? WHERE?
- DIDN'T I TRY HIM IN MY COURTROOM A COUPLE YEARS BACK?
YES, THAT'S HIM. THAT'S THE GUY.
I KNOW, IT'S BYRON CASH. I REMEMBER HIM.
REMEMBER THE CASE? - YEAH, YEAH, DRUGS, WEAPONS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S OUT ALREADY.
AN EX-CON CHILLING AT A COP BAR,
A COP BAR EVERYBODY KNOWS IS JUDGE WRIGHT'S SPOT.
DON'T FEEL RIGHT. MM-MM, NAH.
[shouting] DON'T...FEEL RIGHT!
- OKAY, TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, TEDWARD.
COME ON, MAN, I'M A JUDGE.
THESE THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.
YOU TRY A GUY, YOU PUT 'EM AWAY, THEY GET OUT.
- YEAH, NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY HUNT YOU DOWN,
STAB YOU IN THE HEAD. YEAH, I KNOW HOW IT GOES.
- STARTING TO FREAK ME OUT.
- WE HAVE THE UPPER HAND RIGHT NOW.
LET'S NOT WASTE IT.
AS YOUR COURT OFFICER,
EVERYTHING I AM,
EVERYTHING I KNOW
HAS LED TO THIS MOMENT.
[Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You plays]
AND IF THAT MAN HAS HARM PLANNED FOR YOU,
IT IS MY DUTY TO STAND BETWEEN YOU
AND THAT HARM.
- TEDWARD, ARE YOU SAYING
YOU WANT TO BE THE BLACK KEVIN COSTNER
TO MY WHITE WHITNEY HOUSTON?
- HE'S ON THE MOVE--I GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE SAFE.
- [whispers] WHAT ARE YOU DOING...
WITH YOUR JACKET?
THIS DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN.
[upbeat music]
*
- DID YOU GET THE CHARLIE LEWIS CASE?
ALL RIGHT, DON'T OVER-THINK THIS ONE, JUDGE.
CUT AND DRY.
YOUR ONLY DECISION IS GONNA BE 25 YEARS OR LIFE.
- GUY DOES NOT DESERVE 25 TO LIFE, TOM.
- ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S A SLAM DUNK.
THE LAW MEANS THIS THIRD STRIKE
IS MANDATORY MINIMUM.
- YEAH, BUT LOOK AT HIS CRIMES, TOM.
STRIKE ONE-- GRAND THEFT AUTO.
- COME ON!
- [groans]
- SERIOUSLY.
STRIKE TWO-- GRAND LARCENY.
THIS ONE IS REALLY STRETCHING IT.
- HEY, MAN, DON'T SWEAT IT.
I'M GONNA PAY FOR EVERYTHING I EAT.
- YOU'RE GONNA PAY $300 FOR A JAR OF CAVIAR?
- [laughs maniacally]
OH!
- WHICH BRINGS US TO THIS CASE,
HIS THIRD STRIKE.
- MOTHER OF PEARL HANDLE, VERY NICE.
[whistles]
2 HUNNY?
THAT'S PRETTY STEEP, MY MAN.
ALL RIGHT, I'M TAKING THE PRETTY KNIFE,
SO NOBODY DO ANYTHING STUPID.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT OURSELVES A STANDOFF.
- THE GUY LITERALLY BROUGHT A KNIFE TO A GUN FIGHT.
I MEAN, THE ONLY PERSON HE ENDANGERED WAS HIMSELF.
- I'M GONNA PUT THIS GUY AWAY FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
- TOM--TOM!
TOM, THREE STRIKES IS MISGUIDED, AND YOU KNOW IT.
IT WAS MEANT TO KEEP MURDERERS, RAPISTS,
AND CHILD MOLESTERS OFF THE STREET.
AND INSTEAD WE'RE... - JUDGE HERNANDEZ!
- HANDING DOWN SENTENCES TO GUYS LIKE CHARLIE--
- JUDGE HERNANDEZ, YOUR HONOR, YOUR HONOR,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LOOK, JUDGE GANDHI HERE IS TRYING TO PULL OFF
HER PHILOSOPHICAL ANARCHISM NONSENSE.
- LISTEN, YOU TWO, IT'S MY WEEK OFF,
AND I'M NOT GONNA SPEND ANY ME TIME
REFEREEING ONE OF YOUR ANNOYING LITTLE SCRAPS.
- NO-- - SO, COUNSELOR,
MAN UP. - YOU MEAN MANI-PEDI UP.
- AND JUDGE WRIGHT,
YOU FOLLOW THE LETTER OF THE LAW.
UNDERSTOOD?
- UNDERSTOOD, SIR.
AND HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME ON YOUR VACATION.
- THANK YOU. - YEAH, AT WHAT I CAN
ONLY ASSUME IS A NAVAJO SURF CAMP.
NO, NO...[chuckles]. - OH, HI, JUDGE.
IS IT CASUAL FRIDAY?
'CAUSE I'M IN THE MOOD FOR A LITTLE CASUAL AH-AH!
YOU KNOW?
- GOOD GOD.
- SORRY!
WAIT!
DID I MISREAD THIS WHOLE SITUATION?
- I WISH I HADN'T SEEN ANY OF THAT.
- TOM, I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO BE REASONABLE.
OF COURSE CHARLIE DESERVES SOME JAIL TIME, OKAY?
BUT 25 TO LIFE?
THAT'S WHAT WE GIVE VIOLENT CRIMINALS.
IT JUST--JUST-- IT JUST DOESN'T FIT.
- WELL, JUDGE, I'M THE D.A.
SO I'M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT.
- I JUST HOPE CHARLIE HAS A GOOD DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
- YOUR HONOR, I'VE DECIDED TO REPRESENT MYSELF.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I, UH--
I THINK IT'S COOL THEY'RE LETTING CHICKS
DO THIS WHOLE JUDGE THING NOW.
[rock music]
*
- [sighs]
TEDWARD, I GOT THIS, OKAY?
JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU STOOD GUARD
OUTSIDE MY STALL IN THE LADIES' ROOM.
- OH, YOU KNOW, YEAH, OKAY, THAT WAS--
THAT WAS A BAD-- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.
- YOU THINK?
- BUT I AM NOT BACKING OFF
UNTIL I'M SURE THAT BYRON CASH IS NOT A THREAT.
[alarm disengage beep] GOT SOME OF THE P.D. GUYS
ON THE LOOKOUT TOO.
- TEDWARD, I MISS MY VAN.
RENTAL CAR PLACE ONLY HAD THESE MINI SUVS LEFT.
I'M LIKE A CHICK MAGNET FOR 30-SOMETHING LESBIANS.
- HEY, JUDGE WRIGHT.
IS THAT YOUR NEW RIDE?
DIG IT.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN? ACTUALLY, SHE'S KIND OF CUTE.
- YEAH. [women singing on radio]
- YOU KNOW, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME IN COLLEGE I DID--
- UH, BELIEVE ME--BELIEVE ME, I WANT TO HEAR THIS STORY.
LIKE, I DO. I WANT TO HEAR EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID.
- YEAH, YOU DO. - BUT FOR NOW--
WHAT IS THAT?
- IT'S JUST A...NOTE.
"YOU READY TO DIE?"
NO SIGNATURE.
- YOU NEED MORE EVIDENCE THAN THIS?
- ALL RIGHT.
- BYRON CASH WANTS REVENGE.
LOOK, NO MORE SCREWING AROUND, JUDGE.
YOU'RE GETTING A GUN.
- I'M NOT GETTING A GUN. - YES, YOU ARE.
- I'M NOT GETTING A GUN!
YOU'VE SEEN ME AT MCDONALD'S
WHEN I MISS THE BREAKFAST CUTOFF.
YOU WANT TO ADD A WEAPON TO THAT MIX?
- YOU DEAL WITH VIOLENT CRIMINALS.
- AND ONE OF THEM MIGHT BE SCREWING WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, I GET IT, TEDWARD. I DO.
SO I'LL LOCK MY DOORS,
AND I'LL EVEN HAVE THE COPS DRIVE BY.
- THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.
[quirky music]
*
- REBECCA...
REBECCA!
- [screams]
AAAAHHHH! - NOT THE FACE!
NOT THE FACE!
.
- TEDWARD, WHAT THE HELL?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE HELL.
IN UNDER THREE MINUTES, I BROKE IN YOUR HOUSE,
I CLIMBED ON TOP OF YOU, AND I STRANGLED YOU.
GUESS WHAT--YOU'RE DEAD. - [groans]
- YOU DIDN'T EVEN WAKE UP.
AND WHY IS YOUR ALARM CODE 69, 69?
- BECAUSE IT'S HILARIOUS!
- WELL, I GUESSED IT RIGHT AWAY.
REPROGRAM IT.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REPROGRAM IT.
WHAT AM I, NASA? - JUDGE--
JUDGE, THIS IS WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
OKAY, IT'S NOT JUST THIS ONE GUY.
SOMEONE IN YOUR POSITION IS ALWAYS VULNERABLE.
I JUST WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO PROTECT YOURSELF
IF IT COMES TO THAT.
- OKAY, FINE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL GET A GUN.
WE'LL GO SHOPPING FOR IT TOMORROW.
- GREAT.
- [sighs]
- OH, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
I, UH, I MADE A SANDWICH.
- MR. LEWIS, PLEASE APPROACH THE BENCH.
THAT'S A GREAT COLOR ON YOU. - THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
YOU ARE AWARE OF YOUR RIGHT TO WAIVE A JURY TRIAL.
I MEAN, ONE VERY REASONABLE JUDGE
VERSUS 12 UNPREDICTABLE JURORS,
IT'S-- - PERMISSION TO APPROACH.
- YOU MIGHT WANT TO MOVE YOUR BRIEFCASE, COUNSELOR.
- IT'S FINE. IT'S FINE. THIS, THIS--YOU'RE HELPING.
- NO. - YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HELP.
- I AM MERELY INFORMING MR. LEWIS OF HIS RIGHTS.
THEY LAW MAY NOT BE FAIR, BUT HIS TRIAL SHOULD BE.
- YOUR HONOR, I WANT A JURY. I HAVE A STRONG CASE.
AND DON'T FORGET--EVERYONE UNDERESTIMATED ELLE WOODS TOO.
- ELLE WOODS?
I'M--I'M SORRY, SIR.
ARE YOU REFERRING TO THE FILM LEGALLY BLONDE?
- "ALL PEOPLE SEE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME IS BLONDE HAIR
AND BIG BOOBS."
THAT WAS ALL I SAW.
AND IT WAS WRONG.
LET'S NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.
- IT'S A VALUABLE LESSON.
YOU CAN-- - SIT DOWN.
- THE DEFENSE WILL ILLUSTRATE THAT THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY
THAT THE DEFENDANT COULD HAVE ATTEMPTED TO STEAL THIS KNIFE.
IT'S--IT--
[knife clattering]
IT DOESN'T FIT.
THE HANDLE IS TOO SMALL FOR MY HAND.
IF THE KNIFE DOESN'T FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT.
- MR. LEWIS... [clears throat]
PLEASE APPROACH.
- PERMISSION TO ALSO APPROACH, YOU HONOR.
- PERMISSION DENIED. SIT.
- OH. - YEAH.
YOU KNOW WE HAVE WITNESSES.
THERE'S VIDEO FOOTAGE OF YOU HOLDING THE KNIFE.
- THINK THAT'LL BE A PROBLEM?
- YOU KNOW, YOU SEEM TO BE AN AVID STUDENT
OF FILM AND TELEVISION.
PERHAPS YOU'VE SEEN
THE, UH, LAW & ORDER SHOW CRIMINAL INTENT.
- OKAY. - HUH?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY,
I WILL SHOW THAT MY CLIENT
HAD NO LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT
OF STEALING SAID KNIFE
UNTIL AFTER HE ENTERED THE GUN STORE.
AND IN ACCORDANCE WITH CALIFORNIA PENAL CODE, UH...
OOH.
- [coughs] 45..
[high-pitched voice] 9.
I LOVE THE GERMAN LANGUAGE, DON'T YOU?
- UH, CODE 459--WITHOUT PRIOR CRIMINAL INTENT,
AN ACT OF THEFT
SHALL NOT BE CONSIDERED FELONY BURGLARY.
BOO-YAH!
I WANT THE TRUTH!
I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
- THAT'S RECESS.
RECESS FOR TWO HOURS.
[ahem] SO WHERE DO WE GO TO GET THESE GUNS?
- I DON'T KNOW. MINE ARE STATE-ISSUED.
- I WONDER WHERE THE DEFENDANT WENT.
HE HAD A REVOLVER, A SEMIAUTOMATIC,
AND SOME OLD-TIMEY DUELING PISTOLS PULLED ON HIM.
OBVIOUSLY THEY HAVE A WIDE SELECTION.
OH, WELL, GUNS, GUNS, GUNS.
- JUDGE, I'M REALLY GLAD WE'RE DOING THIS.
[gunshot] - MM-HMM.
- YOU'RE NOT JUST MY BOSS. - NO.
- YOU'RE MY FRIEND. - I AM.
- AND IF ANYTHING WERE TO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU--
- OKAY, NOPE, NO, NO, GOING TO A MUSHY PLACE, FREAKING OUT--
MAKE IT STOP. - THERE IS A GIANT EX-CON
AFTER YOU, AND YOU'RE FREAKING OUT
ABOUT A LITTLE EMOTION? - YEAH. YIPPEE-KI-AY.
- WHOA, HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU DON'T JUST SHOOT YOUR WEAPON.
YOUR FIRST DEFENSE START HERE.
GUN FACE.
- ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME?
- WELL, IT'S BASICALLY MY "WHO ATE ALL THE PIE?" FACE
- YEAH. - BUT WITH CRAZY EYES.
[gunshot] SO IT'D BE LIKE...
- YEAH, I LIKE THAT. - RIGHT?
- ALL RIGHT. I LIKE TO TRY BEFORE I BUY, SO...
- LADIES FIRST.
WHOO! NICE!
HELLO, YOUR HONOR.
SOMEONE'S BEEN PLAYING A LITTLE LATE-NIGHT CALL OF DUTY.
- NAH, I GREW UP WITH GUNS.
WHEN JANNA HUNSINGER'S DAD WAS TAKING HER TO BALLET CLASS,
MY DAD WAS TAKING ME TO THE DESERT TO BLAST TIN CANS.
I WAS THE ONLY 11-YEAR-OLD IN THE COUNTY
WITH A LICENSE TO CARRY.
- THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON, YOU'RE UP, COWBOY.
- [clears throat]
[gunshot]
AAH!
NAILED IT!
BOOM!
WHOO!
[gunshots]
- THIS IS MY "BAILIFF SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL" FACE.
- THAT IS HURTFUL.
- THIS CAR IS LIKE A CORRECTIVE TODDLER SHOE.
- WOMEN LOVE BABY SHOES. THEY THINK IT'S CUTE.
- WELL, NOT EVERYTHING SMALL IS CUTE.
- AH, AH, LEFT MY WALLET IN THE CAR.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE.
- HEY. NO-- HEY, STAY IN MY SIGHTS, OKAY?
- OH, COME ON, THAT'S RIDICULOUS, TEDWARD.
- HEY, I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.
- OH!
JUDGE HERNANDEZ. - YOU IDIOT! GET OFF ME!
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON VACATION.
- I WAS!
WOULD YOU STOP?
- OKAY, IS NOW A BAD TIME
TO TAKE A CRACK AT RESORT-CASUAL BOLO TIE?
'CAUSE I AM SITTING ON A GOOD ONE, SIR.
.
- I SHOULD CHARGE YOU WITH CONTEMPT FOR ALLOWING
YOUR BAILIFF TO BODY-SLAM ME!
- YOU HONOR, I AM SORRY.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO PROTECT HER.
- HE THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.
WE'RE SO SORRY.
SIR, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
- TOM CALLED ME ABOUT THE CHARLIE LEWIS CASE.
- HE TATTLED?
- JUDGE WRIGHT, I AM WELL AWARE
OF YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THREE STRIKES.
YOU ARE NOT HERE TO FIX THE LAW.
YOU'RE HERE TO UPHOLD IT.
DO YOUR JOB.
NOW, I'M OFF TO MY MASSAGE.
- YOU WANT ME TO-- - [blusters]
IF I'M CALLED AWAY TO DEAL WITH ANY MORE OF YOUR NONSENSE,
THERE WILL BE NO HAPPY ENDING.
I HEARD IT. NOT A WORD.
both: HE SAID "HAPPY ENDING."
[both laughing]
- HE IS MAD, THOUGH, HUH?
- YEAH, DUDE. OKAY, DUDE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M ABOUT TO GO ALL COMMANDING OFFICER
FROM EVERY BAD COP MOVIE EVER MADE ON YOUR ASS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CRAP I JUST ATE
FOR THAT LITTLE STUNT YOU PULLED BACK THERE?
YOU'RE A GOOD OFFICER, BUT YOU'RE A HOTHEAD.
AND YOU'RE COSTING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO THE CITY
IN DAMAGES.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.
- NO, THAT WAS GOOD. - YEAH?
- THAT WAS INTIMIDATING. I WAS SCARED.
- I'M SERIOUS, AND THE POINT IS, YOU GOT TO STAND DOWN, TEDWARD.
- AH. LOOK, I FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY.
I THINK YOU STILL MIGHT BE IN A LITTLE DANGER.
- WELL, OKAY, BUT THERE'S MORE PRESSING ISSUES
THAN THE HYPOTHETICAL PROBLEM OF BYRON, OKAY?
IF I DON'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO HELP CHARLIE,
HE'S GONNA END UP SPENDING THE REST OF HIS LIFE IN JAIL.
- YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR THIS ANYMORE?
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! SHUT--STOP!
STOP!
OH, I SEE.
I SEE. OKAY.
OKAY, YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M IN CHARGE!
SHUT YOUR MOUTH! - OH, MY GOD.
- OH. - THAT'S NOT GOOD.
- THAT IS NOT GOOD.
- I NEED YOUR EXPERT PSYCHIATRIC OPINION ON CHARLIE LEWIS.
I THINK HE'S NOT JUST-- HMM, HOW SHOULD I SAY--DIM.
I THINK HE MIGHT BE CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS.
I MEAN, TOTAL CUCKOO-ROO NUT BALLS MCGEE.
- OKAY, YEAH, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S THE OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS
THAT WE USE, BUT--
- CAN YOU EVALUATE HIM FOR ME, PLEASE?
BECAUSE IF YOU CAN FIND ANYTHING CLINICAL--
AND IF THAT'S THE CASE,
I CAN PROBABLY GET THE JURY TO MAYBE GO EASIER ON HIM.
- [clears throat] DR. BOYD, JUDGE...
- HMM? - YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS.
BLOCKED PHONE CALL ON LINE ONE.
- [breathing heavily] - OOH.
- LET ME FIND BYRON CASH AND SHUT THIS DOWN.
- NO. TEDWARD, COME ON-- - PLEASE, THIS DUDE IS CRAZY.
- TEDWARD, THAT COULD BE
THIS ASTHMATIC HAMMER THROWER I DATED.
JUST LET IT GO.
- OKAY, UM, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
- OH, WELL, THERE WAS A CIRCUS COMING THROUGH TOWN,
AND THIS GUY THREW HAMMERS.
IT WAS PRETTY HOT. YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
- NO, NO, NOT THAT. THAT.
- OH, OH, YEAH. NO, THERE'S THIS EX-CON THAT I PUT AWAY.
HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE STALKING ME.
TEDWARD'S FREAKING OUT. - WHAT?
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
- BECAUSE... - NO, NO, NO--THAT'S IT.
I'M STAYING OVER. - OH, HEY, HEY, EASY, TIGER.
I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN GUNNING FOR THAT TOOTHBRUSH POSITION,
AND IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. - [sighs]
COME ON, I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU,
YOU KNOW, AS A FRIEND AND SOMEONE WHO CARES.
- WELL, DON'T WORRY, ALL RIGHT?
WE'VE GOT EXCELLENT SECURITY HERE AT THE COURTHOUSE,
AS YOU CAN SEE, AND I'M GONNA GET A GUN.
- YOU? A GUN? THAT'S, UH, THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.
YOU HAVE A TEMPER. - NO, I DON'T.
- YEAH, YOU DO. YOU TELL ME ALL THE TIME.
- NO, BUT JUST HEARING YOU SAY IT
MAKES ME WANT TO THUMP YOU IN THE NARDS, GARY!
- INTERESTING. - [growls]
SERIOUSLY, GARY...
PLEASE, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TALK TO CHARLIE?
- ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M STAYING OVER TONIGHT, OKAY?
AND I'M BRINGING MY SWIFFER SWEEPER
WITH MY STEAK KNIFE DUCT-TAPED TO THE END OF IT.
- OOH, I FEEL SAFER ALREADY.
- GO AHEAD, DOC.
[Austrian accent] I WILL OPEN MY MIND TO YOU.
- THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD FREUD IMPRESSION.
- [normal voice] NO, THAT WAS SCHWARZENEGGER
FROM TOTAL RECALL. I JUST LIKE DOING IT.
- CHARLIE, YOUR CRIMES SO FAR HAVE BEEN THEFT RELATED.
ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN,
HOW UNCONTROLLABLE IS YOUR URGE
TO TAKE THINGS THAT ARE NOT YOURS?
- ZERO.
- THAT'S WEIRD. I JUST HAD MY PEN.
HEY, CHARLIE, IS THAT MY PEN?
- THIS? - YEAH.
- NO. IT'S--IT'S, UH...
FOOT SCRATCHER.
HEY, THIS MIGHT BE SOMETHING.
I BREAST-FED TILL I WAS FIVE. IS THAT A THING?
'CAUSE IT FEELS LIKE IT MIGHT BE A THING.
[elevator bell dings] - SO IT LOOKS LIKE YOU SUFFER
FROM AN IMPULSE-CONTROL DISORDER,
EXACERBATED BY CONCURRENT PERSONALITY DISORDERS,
WHICH MANIFEST MOSTLY AS KLEPTOMANIA.
- WHOO-HOO.
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW, MY--MY TESTIMONY COULD HELP YOU GET LESS TIME.
- YEAH, ABOUT THAT...
AS MY ATTORNEY,
I'VE ADVISED MYSELF NOT TO ALLOW THAT INTO EVIDENCE.
- CHARLIE, YOU KNOW THIS COULD MEAN THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A FEW YEARS AND FOREVER.
- I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT.
I GOT THIS JURY WRAPPED AROUND MY LITTLE FINGER.
BESIDES, I DON'T WANT TO BE LABELED AS CRAZY.
THAT KIND OF THING DOESN'T SIT TOO WELL
WITH THE LADIES. [squeaks lips]
- NO, IT DOESN'T.
- OH!
SORRY, MY MAN.
I BELIEVE THESE ARE YOURS.
- HEY. - UH--IT WASN'T ME.
I DIDN'T CALL HERNANDEZ.
- DO YOU KISS YOUR WIFE WITH THAT LYING MOUTH?
- TIPPY DOESN'T ALLOW MOUTH KISSING.
- LISTEN, GARY EVALUATED CHARLIE, OKAY?
HE'S GOT SOME EXTENSIVE MENTAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES,
BUT HE WON'T ALLOW THEM ADMITTED INTO THE CASE.
I MEAN, YOU REALLY WANT TO THROW THE BOOK AT A GUY
THAT'S TOO INCOMPETENT TO DEFEND HIMSELF?
- DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD
WHERE GUYS LIKE CHARLIE
CAN JUST REPEAT THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR AGAIN AND AGAIN?
- NO, TOM, I WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE NOBODY POOPS
AND THE MATRIX SEQUELS DON'T SUCK, OKAY?
BUT THIS IS A GUY'S LIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- ALL RIGHT, REBECCA,
THIS GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO LAW SCHOOL, RIGHT?
YOU'RE THIS KNOW-IT-ALL THAT'S BIGGER THAN THE RULES.
THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?
I FOLLOW THE RULES. - I KNOW.
- RULES MAKE LIFE FAIR,
BUT YOU HAVE TO ENFORCE THEM, OKAY?
SO TAKE GARY'S-- - OH, GREAT, THANK YOU!
- OH, NO, THAT WAS NOT-- COME ON, THAT WASN'T ON PURPOSE.
I WAS JUST-- [light arguing]
- I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.
.
- YOU PUT ME AWAY FOR FIVE YEARS, JUDGE.
- I WAS NOT ON THAT...
PARTICULAR CASE.
- AND I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU.
- BECAUSE PRISON TURNED OUT TO BE SO DELIGHTFUL?
- I WAS GOING DOWN A BAD ROAD,
BUT I WASN'T SOME KIND OF THUG THAT HURT PEOPLE.
THE SYSTEM WAS SET UP TO JUST THROW ME OUT LIKE GARBAGE,
BUT YOU DIDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.
YEAH, I GOT TIME,
BUT NOT SO MUCH I COULDN'T HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.
- MM.
- THIS IS MY FAMILY. - SURE.
- OH, WOW.
CUTE KIDS, BYRON.
TOM...
SOMETIMES I DO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
- YES, THIS ONE ODDLY,
COINCIDENTALLY VERY SIMILAR CASE.
I WILL THINK ABOUT IT. DON'T RUB IT IN, OKAY?
- IS THAT YOUR GRANDMA?
- THAT'S MY WIFE.
- AH, WELL...
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, BYRON.
- THANKS AGAIN.
[groaning]
- OH. WHA-- - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- WHOO! I GOT YOUR BACK, REBECCA!
- TEDWARD! HE WAS THANKING ME!
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
OH, MAN, HEY. HEY, BRO. HEY.
HEY, DO NOT SUE ME. I CAN'T--
OH, I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH.
- MAN, HIS GRANDMA/WIFE'S GONNA BE PISSED.
GENTLEMEN, YOU'VE REACHED AN AGREEMENT?
- YES, YOUR HONOR.
THE DEFENDANT AGREES TO PLEAD GUILTY
TO MISDEMEANOR BURGLARY
AND WILL SERVE TWO YEARS
AT A MINIMUM-SECURITY PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY.
- I THINK...
- THINK THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME.
- AND 'CAUSE I DIDN'T GET TO GIVE CLOSING STATEMENT
IN FRONT OF THE JURY--
- WELL-- - YOU PROMISED.
NO BACKSIES. - NO BACKSIES, TOM.
- ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT NO BACKSIES.
YES, THE PROSECUTION, IN TURN, WILL ALLOW MR. LEWIS
TO PRESENT HIS CLOSING STATEMENT TO THE COURT.
HE'S ALL YOURS.
- THANK YOU, THOMAS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY...
"THESE PEOPLE DON'T DREAM ABOUT BEING RICH.
"THEY DREAM ABOUT BEING ABLE TO WATCH THEIR CHILDREN
"SWIM IN A POOL
"WITHOUT WORRYING THAT THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
A HYSTERECTOMY BY THE AGE OF 20!"
- ERIN BROCKOVICH. - YES.
- GREAT FLICK. - YEAH.
- SHE HAD GREAT BRAS.
- YEAH, I JUST REMEMBER HER BOOBS.
- WELL DONE, SIR.
both: HEY. - WHAT'S UP?
- CAME TO RESET YOUR SECURITY SYSTEM,
MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. - MM-HMM.
- GARY'S NOT MUCH OF A BODYGUARD AND YOU WON'T GET A GUN.
- OH, NO, NO, I GOT A GUN. LOOK, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
PRETTY CUTE, HUH? JUDY GOT IT FOR ME.
- NOT BAD. - YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? AND THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE
I FEEL COMFORTABLE CARRYING A GUN.
YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT BYRON, ALL RIGHT?
I TOLD YOU--I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE WRONG ABOUT SOMEBODY
WHILE CARRYING A GUN,
BUT I DID GET THIS BAD BOY.
RARR! PSHH!
MY DAD TAUGHT ME HOW TO USE IT.
TAUGHT THE WHOLE FAMILY-- BIG HUNTING PEOPLE.
- WHO IS YOUR FAMILY-- DUCK DYNASTY?
OKAY, SO WHAT ABOUT THE NOTE THAT BYRON LEFT ON YOUR CAR?
- OH, THAT WAS JUDY. - "YOU READY TO DIE?"
YEAH, I WANTED TO SEE
IF SHE WANTED TO GO TO A HOT-YOGA CLASS.
BY THE WAY, I MIGHT HAVE BUTT-DIALED YOU DURING HOT YOGA.
SORRY. - LINE ONE.
- OKAY, HEAVY BREATHING. - MM-HMM.
- CAN I TAKE A BATH IN YOUR TUB?
MINE'S ALL FULL OF BUTTONS AND DOLL HEADS.
LONG STORY. - YOU KNOW THE WAY.
YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WHILE JUDY BATHES?
- NO, NOT REALLY.
I MEAN, GARY HAS A SWIFFER SPEAR.
YOU GOT A CROSSBOW, AND JUDY NAKED.
- ALL RIGHT, JUST PARK YOUR ASS DOWN, OKAY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME LEARN HER NAME.
- HEY.
I ALMOST KILLED NAKED JUDY.
- YOU WANT IT SHAKEN OR STIRRED?
- CLOTHED. - TOO LATE FOR THAT, MY FRIEND.