1 00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:02,370 . 2 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:03,304 [5678! by Butterfly Boucher playing] 3 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,506 - FEEL IT, FEEL IT, FEEL IT. 4 00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:07,308 OH, YEAH, AH, AH. 5 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,110 IT'S HAPPENING. IT'S HAPPENING. IT'S HAPPENING. IT'S-- 6 00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:12,513 - OH, HEY, REBECCA, LOOK WHO I RAN INTO. 7 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:16,250 OUR OLD BUDDY FROM LAW SCHOOL, DANA MCCOY! 8 00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:17,518 - DANA. 9 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:21,389 - [laughs] REBECCA, HELLO. HELLO, REBECCA. 10 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,690 - DANA. 11 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,525 - HMM, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE-- 12 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,095 - I WAS APPOINTED JUDGE. [chuckles] 13 00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:29,197 - WELL, CONGRATULATIONS. - MM-HMM. 14 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:33,367 - WHEN I HEARD, I JUST-- I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. 15 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,836 THE GIRL WHO DRY HUMPED A STATUE OF THURGOOD MARSHALL. 16 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:39,573 - YES, I DID, AND IT WAS THUR-GREAT. 17 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:40,641 [laughter] 18 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,176 - I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. 19 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:44,378 - HEY, HEY, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU. 20 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,747 I HEAR YOU FINALLY ARE AN ATTORNEY. 21 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:49,750 I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR YOU TO PASS THAT BAR. 22 00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,685 - MM, WELL, IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW HARD IT IS TO PASS A BAR, 23 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:52,686 IT'S YOU. 24 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,322 GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG. 25 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:57,725 - [laughing] ISN'T THIS GREAT? 26 00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:01,395 THE OLD GANG FROM LAW SCHOOL BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. 27 00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:02,396 - TOM... - YEAH. 28 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,298 - DID NOT TELL ME THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE 29 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:05,299 IN MY COURTROOM TODAY. 30 00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,201 - YEAH, OR ME IN YOURS. 31 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:10,238 - WELL, I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU TWO LOVE SURPRISES. 32 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,873 NOW, REALLY, IS THIS GONNA BE A PROBLEM IN THE COURTROOM? 33 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,874 PLEASE SAY YES. 34 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:14,975 - OF COURSE NOT. 35 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:17,345 I MEAN, I JUST CAME OVER 'CAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE SURE 36 00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:18,679 THAT I GOT A FAIR TRIAL. 37 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,881 YOU KNOW, A LOT OF JUDGES ARE OUT THIS WEEK, SO... 38 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,883 [chuckles] SHORT STRAW. 39 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,252 - YOU'RE SHORT. 40 00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,486 - [chuckles] YEAH. 41 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:26,887 - VERY ON THE NOSE. 42 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,357 - BUT SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. 43 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:30,824 MWAH. 44 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,194 - [clears throat] 45 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,328 - [laughs] - [groans] 46 00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:36,264 - OH, DANA MCCOY. 47 00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:38,832 - SHE HAS NOT CHANGED A BIT. 48 00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,301 SHE'S THE WORST. 49 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,869 - SHE IS, GOD. 50 00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:44,538 BUT I'M SO JEALOUS YOU HAVE A RIVAL. 51 00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:45,839 WISH I HAD A RIVAL. 52 00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,741 I MEAN, MY OIL CHANGE GUY, HE'S PRETTY MEAN, 53 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,211 BUT I THINK HE'S JUST MEAN TO EVERYBODY. 54 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:53,214 [upbeat music] 55 00:01:53,247 --> 00:02:01,255 * 56 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,394 - OKAY, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 57 00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:07,728 - A BOLT OF PELTS. 58 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,163 - WHAT? 59 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,531 PLEASE TELL ME THAT THAT'S NOT REAL FUR. 60 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,300 - NO, IT'S FAUX. - FO SHO? 61 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,634 - FO REAL. 62 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,203 STOPPED BY MY FURRIER THIS MORNING. 63 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,770 - GOSH, HOW MANY FAKE CATS GAVE THEIR LIVES 64 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:17,771 FOR THAT BOLT? 65 00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:18,839 - MM. - WHAT'S IT FOR? 66 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,274 - I'M MAKING A BARBARIAN OUTFIT. 67 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:21,375 - WHAT? 68 00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:23,311 ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT 30 SECONDS TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF 69 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,246 BEFORE YOU GET OUT OF MY OFFICE. 70 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,847 - CONAN-CON. - WHAT? 71 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,450 - CONAN-CON IS A CONVENTION THAT HAPPENS DOWNTOWN 72 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,319 WHERE WE CELEBRATE THE STOIC MAJESTY 73 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:32,820 OF CONAN THE BARBARIAN. 74 00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,222 OKAY, WE DRESS UP, 75 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,324 DRINK MEAD, WATCH THE MOVIE. 76 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,825 - SO IT'S LIKE CAVEMAN COMIC-CON? 77 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:38,892 - FANTASY, THANK YOU. 78 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,328 BUT BASICALLY, 79 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,695 SCHWARZENEGGER'S GONNA BE THERE THIS YEAR. 80 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:43,331 - OOH. - YOU SHOULD COME WITH ME. 81 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,432 - OH, NO, I'M BUSY THAT NIGHT. 82 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,534 - I DIDN'T TELL YOU WHAT NIGHT IT WAS GONNA BE ON. 83 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,336 - YEAH, BUT GENERALLY FOR THESE TYPES OF INVITATIONS, 84 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,204 I'M BUSY ALL NIGHTS, SO-- 85 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,805 - LOOK, REBECCA, IT'S A GREAT MOVIE. 86 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,274 IT WAS WRITTEN BY OLIVER STONE, 87 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,475 JOHN MILIUS. - OOH. 88 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,977 - JAMES EARL JONES TURNS INTO A SNAKE. 89 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,379 - [gasps] - JUST TURNS INTO A SNAKE. 90 00:02:58,412 --> 00:02:59,179 IT'S A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE. 91 00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:00,581 - YEAH, WELL, IF IT'S SO GREAT, 92 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:01,949 WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BY YOURSELF? 93 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,517 - 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH A BUNCH 94 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:05,286 OF DRUNK WHITE PEOPLE HOLDING SWORDS--I NEED BACKUP. 95 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:06,654 - YOU'RE ASKING ME TO BE YOUR TOKEN WHITE? 96 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,956 - MM-HMM. - I AM DECLINING POLITELY. 97 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:11,191 THANK YOU. 98 00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:16,597 MR. TAD LATARDO, 99 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:20,268 CURRENTLY THE STARTING QUARTERBACK FOR SOCAL STATE... 100 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:23,471 - GO BULLDOGS! [chuckles] 101 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,273 - GOT DRUNK 102 00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,740 AND HUNG HIS BARE BUTTOCKS 103 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,642 OUT THE PASSENGER SIDE WINDOW 104 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,278 OF HIS FRIEND'S CAR. 105 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,812 MS. MAYHEW SAW THE BUTTOCKS, 106 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,515 FELL, AND SUSTAINED MINOR INJURIES. 107 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:37,785 SHE IS SEEKING DAMAGES IN THE AMOUNT OF... 108 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,920 $3 MILLION? - YEP. 109 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,422 - TOM, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. 110 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,356 - I AGREE, REBECCA. 111 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,024 I MOVE FOR SUMMARY JUDGMENT. 112 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,459 LET'S THROW THIS CASE OUT RIGHT NOW. 113 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:46,727 - DANA, UH... 114 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:47,761 [clears throat] MS. MCCOY, 115 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:49,997 I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU AND I HAVE SOME HISTORY 116 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:50,998 OUTSIDE OF THE COURTROOM, 117 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,900 BUT IN MY COURT, 118 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,603 I'D LIKE YOU TO REFER TO ME AS JUDGE WRIGHT. 119 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,271 OKAY? 120 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,039 MR. BARLOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY EVIDENCE 121 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,708 TO SUBSTANTIATE THESE CLAIMS? 122 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,310 - YES, YOUR HONOR. 123 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:05,045 MS. MAYHEW CAN NO LONGER FUNCTION IN SOCIETY. 124 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,947 SINCE THIS INTENTIONAL EXPOSURE, 125 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:10,384 SHE CAN'T EAT FOOD THAT'S SERVED ON BUNS, 126 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,353 SHE WON'T GO OUTSIDE DURING A FULL MOON, 127 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,888 AND SHE LOST HER CRAFTING BUSINESS 128 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:19,560 BECAUSE SHE COULD NO LONGER SAY NOR HEAR THE WORD "BUTTON." 129 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,561 - [gags] - SORRY. 130 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,795 SO SORRY. 131 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,664 - YOU CAN'T PROVE CAUSATION. 132 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:26,400 REBECCA-- WRIGHT, COMMA, JUDGE. 133 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,336 THIS CASE IS ABSURD. 134 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,371 A LOT OF JUDGES WOULD HAVE THROWN THIS CASE OUT ALREADY. 135 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,872 - WELL, I AM NOT A LOT OF JUDGES. 136 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,742 - I'LL SAY. APPOINTED BY SCHWARZENEGGER. 137 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,410 - I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT? - OH, NOTHING. 138 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,244 - NO, GO AHEAD AND SAY IT. 139 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,613 - YOU'RE A SCHWARZENEGGER APPOINTEE. 140 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,081 - AND? - MM? 141 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,750 - OKAY, COUNSELOR, PLEASE APPROACH. 142 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:43,817 - HMM. 143 00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,319 - I'M GONNA JOIN UP HERE. 144 00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:47,321 I WANT TO GET SOME RINGSIDE SEATS FOR THIS ONE. 145 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:49,757 - SO GO AHEAD AND SAY WHAT YOU WERE GONNA SAY. 146 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,493 - OKAY, WELL, IT'S A WELL-KNOWN FACT 147 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,861 THAT WHEN SCHWARZENEGGER WAS GOVERNOR, 148 00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,797 THE NUMBER OF YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE FEMALE APPOINTEES, 149 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:57,965 INCLUDING YOURSELF, 150 00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,501 WENT UP ALMOST, MM, 200%. 151 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,769 I CALL IT THE BREAST LIFT. [chuckles] 152 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,438 - WELL, UH, IT'S ALSO A WELL-KNOWN FACT 153 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:05,873 THAT I GRADUATED TOP OF OUR CLASS, 154 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,341 AND MY RECORD'S IMPECCABLE. 155 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,377 - AND YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST JUDGE EVER APPOINTED 156 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,078 IN THE HISTORY OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA. 157 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,012 - YEAH, I KNOW. 158 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,747 I USE THAT IN ALL MY COMMENCEMENT SPEECHES. 159 00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,416 LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS CHITCHAT, 160 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,885 AND I'M NOT GONNA BUY INTO THESE UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMORS. 161 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,119 - [imitating Schwarzenegger] IT'S NOT A RUMOR. 162 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,921 - OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU COMING DOWN WITH, LIKE, A HEAD COLD? 163 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,623 - NO, IT'S SCHWARZENEGGER, KINDERGARTEN COP. 164 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,124 - SPOT-ON SCHWARZENEGGER. 165 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,258 THAT WAS-- - YEAH, THANK YOU. 166 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:27,628 - I THINK WE SHOULD LEAVE THAT OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM 167 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,697 BECAUSE I THINK THESE PEOPLE DESERVE BETTER, HMM? 168 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,099 - THAT'S WHAT I SAID WHEN I FOUND OUT YOU WERE A JUDGE. 169 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,133 - GOD, IF YOU WERE ANY TALLER, 170 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,702 I WOULD SLAP YOU ACROSS THE FACE, 171 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,570 BUT YOU'RE SO SMALL, I CAN'T REACH YOU. 172 00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:39,707 FYI, SCHWARZENEGGER DID NOT MAKE ME VALEDICTORIAN, 173 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,442 HE DID NOT HELP ME PASS THE BAR, 174 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:42,676 AND HE DID NOT MAKE ME A STELLAR D.A. 175 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:43,944 TOM, CALL YOUR WITNESS. 176 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,514 - YES, LET'S DO. - [whistles] 177 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:53,487 . 178 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:54,555 - MS. MAYHEW, COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE NIGHT IN QUESTION? 179 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,758 - I WAS OUT FOR EXOTIC SMALL PLATES 180 00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:58,992 WITH MY SCRAPBOOKING GROUP. 181 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,895 WE HAD JUST FINISHED A VERY INVOLVED SESSION 182 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:02,930 HELPING ONE OF OUR MEMBERS SCRAP 183 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,765 A FAMILY VACATION TO LEGOLAND, 184 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,066 AND WE NEEDED TO UNWIND. 185 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,801 WE WERE WAITING TO CROSS THE STREET 186 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:12,105 WHEN THE DEFENDANT'S CAR PULLED UP, AND... 187 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,941 I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THIS IN COURT. 188 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,108 - GIVE IT A SHOT. 189 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,777 I'LL PULL YOU BACK IF YOU GO TOO FAR. 190 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:19,880 - WELL, THIS DISGUSTING YOUNG MAN 191 00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,482 LEANED OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW 192 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,484 AND YELLED 193 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:24,718 "YOLO, HOS" 194 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,086 TOWARD MY FRIENDS AND I. 195 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,822 THEN HE PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS 196 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:31,759 AND HUNG HIS BUTTOCKS AND... 197 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,160 MAYBE A LITTLE EXTRA OUT THE WINDOW. 198 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,828 - A LITTLE EXTRA? 199 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,864 - YOU KNOW, THE... 200 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,868 THE DRAGON FRUIT. 201 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:41,702 I WAS SO SHOCKED BY THE SIGHT OF IT, 202 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:42,870 I TRIPPED BACKWARDS OVER THE CURB, 203 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,805 AND I STUMBLED INTO A BUSH, 204 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,840 WHERE I INCURRED BODILY INJURY. 205 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:48,942 - DID YOU THINK IT WAS GOING TO CHASE YOU, 206 00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:49,943 MS. MAYHEW? 207 00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,845 - THE PHYSICAL INJURIES HEALED, 208 00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:54,815 BUT PSYCHOLOGICALLY, 209 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,950 THOSE BARE BUTTOCKS ARE IN MY MIND 210 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,952 UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. 211 00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:00,988 - THANK YOU, MS. MAYHEW. 212 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,990 YOUR WITNESS. 213 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,593 - YOU'VE MENTIONED THAT THE DEFENDANT'S BUTTOCKS 214 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,828 HAS BEEN BURNED IRREVOCABLY 215 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:08,829 INTO YOUR MIND. 216 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:09,830 - YES. 217 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,465 - SO IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME 218 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,634 THAT YOU CAN ACCURATELY DESCRIBE THE DEFENDANT'S BUTTOCKS. 219 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,102 - YES, I CAN. 220 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,937 - SO NO MOLES, NO BIRTHMARKS, 221 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,072 NO IDENTIFYING FEATURES OF ANY KIND? 222 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,674 - NO. - OKAY. 223 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,175 YOUR HONOR, THE DEFENSE 224 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,678 WOULD LIKE TO SUBMIT EXHIBIT A, 225 00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:27,247 A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE DEFENDANT'S BUTTOCKS. 226 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,149 LET THE RECORD SHOW 227 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:32,853 THE DEFENDANT HAS A TATTOO ON HIS RIGHT BUTTOCKS. 228 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,922 - BUTTOCK. IT'S SINGULAR. 229 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,924 - WELL, WHEN IT COMES TO THAT PART OF THE ANATOMY, 230 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:37,925 YOU'RE THE EXPERT. 231 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:38,792 - YEAH, I AM, 232 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,193 'CAUSE I'M LOOKING AT ONE RIGHT NOW. 233 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,930 - CLEARLY THAT WAS NOT THE BUTTOCK 234 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,932 YOU SAW. 235 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,634 - SO, UH, MR. LATARDO, 236 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,969 WHAT--WHAT IS THAT EXACTLY? 237 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,003 - IT'S ALEC BALDWIN. 238 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,672 HE'S DOPE. 239 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:52,840 - AH. 240 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,107 LOOKS A LITTLE MORE LIKE BILLY BALDWIN. 241 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,609 - WAS HE IN BIO-DOME? 242 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,844 - THAT'S AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BALDWIN. 243 00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,546 - THAT'S STEPHEN BALDWIN. 244 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,981 - BILLY BALDWIN WAS IN BACKDRAFT. 245 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,151 HEY, WHEN YOU SIT DOWN, DOES IT TURN INTO DANIEL BALDWIN? 246 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,153 - HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET. 247 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,187 - [chuckles] 248 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,822 NOW, MR. LATARDO, I'M ASSUMING 249 00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,858 THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THAT BUTT, 250 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,993 IT DOES BELONG TO YOU, IN FACT. - YUP. 251 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:15,262 - I AM TELLING YOU, THAT TATTOO WASN'T THERE. 252 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,830 - ORDER, MS. MAYHEW, ORDER. 253 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:19,667 - THAT MAN ATTACKED MY EYES 254 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,968 WITH HIS BODY. 255 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,102 HE USED IT AS A WEAPON, 256 00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,303 AND YOU DON'T EVEN GET IT. 257 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,972 I WISH I HAD GOTTEN A REAL JUDGE 258 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,807 INSTEAD OF SOME BIKINI MODEL 259 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,241 WHO GOT THEIR JOB FROM THE BOTTOM 260 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:30,010 OF ARNOLD'S HOT TUB. 261 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,044 - MS. MAYHEW-- 262 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,613 TOM-- MS. MAYHEW. 263 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:33,714 FIRST OF ALL-- 264 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,048 WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, 265 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,950 BECAUSE I DO TRY TO DO WHAT I CAN TO KEEP FIT, 266 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:37,751 SO YOU KNOW-- 267 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,286 BUT I AM A REAL JUDGE, ALL RIGHT? 268 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,789 I WIELD REAL POWER IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA, 269 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,056 AND I GET TO DO THIS. 270 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,057 [gavel claps] - OH. 271 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,560 - BOOM, LUNCH. 272 00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:48,962 MMM, HECTOR, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS ALL MORNING. 273 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:50,698 I SWEAR, IF YOU WEREN'T PARKED RIGHT HERE, 274 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:51,765 I WOULD ISSUE A BENCH WARRANT. 275 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,066 - [chuckles] OH, MIRA. 276 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,167 ONE MORE THING. 277 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,203 FRESH GUAC. IT'S ON THE HOUSE. 278 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,906 - HEY, UM, HECTOR, I'VE GOT TO ASK. 279 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:02,142 HOW COME YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME FREE GUAC? 280 00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,878 - AH, I GIVE ALL THE PRETTY LADIES FREE GUACAMOLE. 281 00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:05,746 - ALL THE PRETTY LADIES? 282 00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,280 - YEAH, AND ESPECIALLY THE REDHEADS. 283 00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,349 RAWR! 284 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,918 - I'D LIKE TO PAY FOR IT. 285 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,219 - OH, ALL RIGHT. 286 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,021 YEAH, THAT'LL BE-- THAT'LL BE $7. 287 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,889 - STARTING NEXT TIME, OKAY? 288 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,858 - CONAN THE BARBARIAN FESTIVAL, 289 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,593 DOWNTOWN CONVENTION CENTER, 290 00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,228 TOMORROW NIGHT. 291 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,630 GOT TWO TICKETS. 292 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:23,631 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 293 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:24,765 - OH, TWO TICKETS. 294 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,834 NO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE A THIRD WHEEL, SO-- 295 00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:27,835 HEY, HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FRIEND. 296 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:28,836 - NO-- 297 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,803 HAVE YOU EVER HAD MEAD? 298 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,705 I'M TALKING, LIKE-- THIS IS GOOD MEAD TOO. 299 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:32,906 GIRL, IT'LL GET YOU MESSED UP. 300 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:33,974 - LISTEN, I WISH I COULD, 301 00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,676 BUT I HAVE IRONCLAD PLANS. 302 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,210 I'M INTEGRATING MY CATS, 303 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,812 AND TOMORROW NIGHT IS A CRUCIAL MOMENT. 304 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,314 IT'S--IT'S THEIR FIRST MUTUAL LITTER BOXING. 305 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,183 [exhales sharply and murmurs] 306 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,818 - ALL THE MUTTON YOU CAN EAT. 307 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:45,919 ON ME, HUH? 308 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,354 - TIPPY DOESN'T LIKE ME TO EAT LAMB. 309 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,623 SHE SAYS IT MAKES ME LETHARGIC. 310 00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:52,025 PLUS, THAT TICKET SHOULD GO TO A REAL FAN. 311 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:54,161 - TOM, MUTTON-- IT'S THE MEAT OF WARRIORS. 312 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,629 IT'S A MAGICAL NIGHT. 313 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:56,930 I MEAN, THAT I CAN PROMISE YOU. 314 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,766 - I AM NOT GOING. 315 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,267 - OKAY, BUT WHAT IF I SAID-- - UH, EXCUSE ME. 316 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,035 MAY I BORROW YOU FOR JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE? 317 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,804 - ABSOLUTELY, TEDWARD, YOU WAIT RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE. 318 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:04,905 COME ON, LET'S GO. LET'S GO, LET'S GO. 319 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,874 - MUTTON, OKAY? REMEMBER MUTTON. 320 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,877 - SIR, HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE BREAST LIFT? 321 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,311 - YOU BET. MY WIFE HAD ONE FIVE YEARS AGO. 322 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,412 FANTASTIC. 323 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,613 - NO, NO. 324 00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,315 SIR, I'M TALKING ABOUT WHEN SCHWARZENEGGER WAS GOVERNOR, 325 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,885 HE APPOINTED AN UNUSUALLY HIGH NUMBER 326 00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,820 OF ATTRACTIVE WOMEN TO THE BENCH. 327 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,789 I MEAN, IS THAT TRUE? 328 00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:24,725 - WHO CAN SAY? TRUTH IS SO SUBJECTIVE. 329 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,126 - YEAH, BUT I MEAN IS IT SOMETHING THAT YOU'VE HEARD? 330 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,828 - I DON'T KNOW. 331 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,263 ONE HEARS SO MANY THINGS IN THESE HALLS OF JUSTICE. 332 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,431 - YOU'RE DODGING MY QUESTION. 333 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,933 - ABSOLUTELY NOT-- I'M SO SORRY, 334 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,401 BUT I THINK I LEFT TEDWARD WAITING FOR ME. 335 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:35,435 TEDWARD. 336 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,870 TEDWARD? 337 00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:46,847 . 338 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,180 - TEDWARD... 339 00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:51,351 I'M LOOKING AT ALL THE JUDGES THAT SCHWARZENEGGER APPOINTED. 340 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,253 THEY'RE ALL ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. 341 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,022 LOOK AT THESE WOMEN. HOT. 342 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,691 HOT. HOT. 343 00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:58,558 SUPER HOT. 344 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,460 - LOOK, I'M SURE THEY'RE NOT ALL HOTTIES. 345 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,428 LOOK. 346 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,063 OH, LOOK, THEY HIRED HER FOR HER PERSONALITY. 347 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,132 SCHWARZENEGGER APPOINTEE RIGHT THERE. 348 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,399 - LINDA SHRIVER. 349 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,101 - OKAY, WELL, THAT WAS A BAD IDEA. 350 00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:09,102 - EH. 351 00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,771 - JUDGE WRIGHT, YOUR HONOR, 352 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,405 I'M SO SORRY, ALL RIGHT? 353 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,808 MY CLIENT WAS TOTALLY OUT OF LINE IN THERE. 354 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,343 ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT A SEXY JUDGE. 355 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,411 [laughs] I MEAN YOU ARE, BUT-- 356 00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:21,048 OH, I SEE NOW WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE. 357 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,049 IT'S LIKE A VERBAL TRAP. 358 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,250 - ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, 359 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,752 DO YOU THINK THERE'S REALLY ANY VALIDITY 360 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,652 TO WHAT DANA SAID? 361 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:26,619 I MEAN, DO YOU THINK THERE IS A THING? 362 00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:29,356 THIS BREAST LIFT THING, YOU THINK IT'S TRUE? 363 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:30,457 - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. - NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 364 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,458 - NO, NO. - THAT'S NOT--MM-MM. 365 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,126 - RIDICULOUS. - ALL RIGHT. 366 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,294 BOTH OF YOU... - MM-HMM. 367 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:35,462 - I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME 368 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,464 AND SAY THE FIRST WORD 369 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:38,866 THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND. GO. 370 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:39,933 - PRETTY. 371 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,401 - CHLAMYDIA. 372 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:42,402 - WHAT? 373 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,403 - [grunts] 374 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:44,805 YOU SAID THE FIRST WORD THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD, 375 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:45,773 AND THAT WAS THE WORD. 376 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:48,275 - WHY IS THE FIRST WORD A VENEREAL DISEASE? 377 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,410 - I CAN'T POSSIBLY ANSWER THAT. 378 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,512 THE HUMAN MIND AND ITS WORKINGS 379 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,247 ARE STILL A MYSTERY TO US ALL. 380 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,248 - MM. 381 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,449 - THAT IS-- THAT IS VERY TRUE. 382 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:57,350 - LISTEN, TOM. 383 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,787 AS MUCH AS I APPRECIATE YOU SUCKING UP 384 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,421 OR TRUTH TELLING, 385 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,157 I THINK YOU SHOULD PREPARE YOUR CLIENT FOR THE WORST. 386 00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:05,525 I'M PROBABLY GONNA THROW THE CASE OUT. 387 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,961 - OH, GOD, THAT IS GREAT. 388 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:08,796 THANK YOU. 389 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,463 SHE HAD A COMPLETE BREAKDOWN AT LUNCH 390 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:12,499 WHEN SOMEONE BUTTERED THEIR BUN. 391 00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,500 - MM. 392 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,501 - NO MORE PRO BONO WORK. 393 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,302 - ALL RIGHT. 394 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,870 - SEE YOU IN THERE. - BYE, TOM. 395 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,806 - TEDWARD, 396 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,207 I THINK I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO COME TO TERMS 397 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,776 WITH THE FACT THAT I WILL NEVER KNOW 398 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,445 WHY SCHWARZENEGGER APPOINTED ME. 399 00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,447 - YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. 400 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,951 I MEAN, THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD TALK TO HIM IS IF... 401 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,119 - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. [gasps] 402 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,520 - [gasps] 403 00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,422 - I COULD ASK HIM. HE'S GONNA BE AT CONAN-CON. 404 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:36,456 - YES, HE IS. 405 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,325 - * OH, TEDWARD 406 00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:40,127 - MM-HMM? - I'M GONNA BE YOUR DATE. 407 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,796 - ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 408 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:43,663 - WHAT? 409 00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,765 - YOU GO, YOU GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY. 410 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,236 - FULL REGALIA? 411 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,470 - FULL REGALIA! 412 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:53,473 [dramatic music] 413 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:59,913 * 414 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,815 LOOK AT YOU, GIRL. YOU LOOK GOOD. 415 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:06,053 - WHO RUNS BARTERTOWN? 416 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,021 - THAT'S THE WRONG MOVIE. THAT'S MAD MAX. 417 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,890 - OH. THAT'S NOT THIS? 418 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:12,059 - NO, BUT YOU LOOK GREAT, THOUGH. 419 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,060 - THANK YOU. - YEAH. 420 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,594 - SO DO YOU. I LIKE WHAT YOU DID WITH THAT SKIRT. 421 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,096 I GUESS I THOUGHT IN MY MIND, 422 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,564 IT WOULD BE A LITTLE MORE, YOU KNOW, 423 00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,432 SHIRTS-AND-PANTSY, BUT I LIKE IT. 424 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,434 - YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, 425 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:22,936 GOING TO THE ATM BEFORE I GOT HERE 426 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,604 WAS A LITTLE WEIRD, KIND OF AWKWARD. 427 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,039 - YEAH, WHERE DID YOU PUT THE MONEY? 428 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,574 - IT'S IN THERE. - MM. 429 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,043 * 430 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:32,512 TEDWARD, THIS IS LIKE A SAD NERD MUSEUM. 431 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:33,446 AND NOBODY DRESSED UP. 432 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,549 THAT GUY-- THAT GUY HAD A FANNY PACK ON. 433 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,852 COME ON, THEY'RE NOT VERY BARBARIANY. 434 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,554 - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON-- LOOK, LET ME CHECK. 435 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,490 OKAY, LOOK, IT SAYS HERE 436 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:46,093 20TH ANNUAL CONAN-CON. 437 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:50,063 LOOK, PRIZES, SCREENINGS, PANELS, COSTUME. 438 00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:51,464 both: OPTIONAL. 439 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,600 - OH, TEDWARD, I'M GONNA KILL YOU. 440 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,468 LOOK AT ME. WHERE'S THE MEAD? 441 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,104 - LOOK, CHILL OUT, JUDGE. 442 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,605 LOOK, YOU LOOK GREAT, 443 00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:00,473 AND LOOK, WE'RE NOT THE ONLY PEOPLE HERE IN COSTUMES. 444 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,110 WE GOT GRAY HAIR PONYTAIL BARBARIAN. 445 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,012 WE GOT PARENTS DRESSING THEIR KIDS UP 446 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,379 LIKE BABY BARBARIANS. [dog barks] 447 00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:07,580 LOOK AT THOSE WILD DOGS OVER THERE. 448 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,149 - THOSE ARE POMERANIANS. 449 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,251 THE WILD POMERANIANS OF ENCINO. 450 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,252 [dog barks] 451 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,154 WHERE IS AHNULD? 452 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,088 - I DON'T KNOW. 453 00:14:15,122 --> 00:14:16,589 - ATTENTION, BARBARIANS, WIZARDS, WITCHES, 454 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,091 AND THOSE NOT IN COSTUME, 455 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,960 PLEASE ACCEPT OUR SINCERE APOLOGY. 456 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,628 WE JUST LEARNED THAT MR. SCHWARZENEGGER 457 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,596 WILL NOT BE ATTENDING TONIGHT'S EVENT DUE TO 458 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:25,999 WE MISREAD HIS RSVP CARD. 459 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,235 BUT MONGOL GENERAL NUMBER THREE 460 00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,470 IS STILL IN THE LOBBY HANDING OUT FREE MUGS OF MEAD. 461 00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,940 - WHAT? MONGOL GENERAL NUMBER THREE? 462 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,441 - WHAT'S HE GONNA DO FOR ME? 463 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,643 UNLESS HE SERVED UNDER SCHWARZENEGGER. 464 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,411 MAN. 465 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:41,214 - JUDGE, WHY DOES THIS RUMOR BOTHER YOU SO MUCH? 466 00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:43,283 - 'CAUSE IT JUST DOES, TEDWARD. YOU KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING. 467 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:46,186 IT'S LIKE A FLY BUZZING AROUND MY HEAD. 468 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,187 [cape tears] 469 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,655 GET OFF MY CAPE, TEDWARD. 470 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:53,293 - LOOK, I'M IN THAT COURTROOM WITH YOU EVERY DAY, 471 00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,594 AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT YOU'RE THE BEST JUDGE 472 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,528 I'VE EVER BEEN A BAILIFF FOR. 473 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,530 - HOW MANY JUDGES HAVE YOU BAILIFFED FOR? 474 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,531 - WELL... 475 00:14:58,565 --> 00:14:59,566 - I'M THE ONLY ONE, RIGHT? 476 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:00,767 - YES, MM-HMM. 477 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,603 I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO GIVE YOU A QUOTE FROM CONAN, BUT-- 478 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:08,641 - GO RIGHT OVER MY HEAD LIKE SUBOTAI'S GOD. 479 00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,577 - YOU WATCHED THE MOVIE. 480 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:11,711 - WELL, FIGURED IF I WAS GONNA BE 481 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,580 AROUND A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN WHITE PEOPLE WITH SWORDS, 482 00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:14,982 I BETTER KNOW WHAT I'M IN FOR. 483 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:18,018 - MM-HMM. 484 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,391 - [clears throat] 485 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,392 - [grunting] 486 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,160 - EVERYTHING OKAY, MR. LATARDO? 487 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,662 - NO, NO PROBLEM AT ALL, YOUR HONOR. 488 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,264 - WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING 489 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,265 A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE THERE. 490 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:33,566 - OH, YEAH, I JUST-- 491 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,535 I GOT INJURED IN PRACTICE. 492 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,503 - YOU PRACTICE AT NIGHT NOW? 493 00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:37,704 - YUP. 494 00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:38,705 HELMET TO HIP. 495 00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,373 IT'S A VIOLENT SPORT. 496 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:43,543 - SEEMS LIKE YOUR INJURY'S RIGHT AROUND YOUR ALEC BALDWIN. 497 00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,745 - YOUR HONOR, I DON'T SEE HOW HIS INJURY IS RELEVANT. 498 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,214 - SIT DOWN, COUNSELOR. 499 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:51,118 I HAVE A THEORY, MR. LATARDO. 500 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,453 YEAH, I THINK YOUR ALEC BALDWIN'S NEW. 501 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,555 I THINK YOU GOT IT FOR YOUR DEFENSE, 502 00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:58,191 AND I THINK ALEC BALDWIN'S INFECTED. 503 00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,459 - NOPE, NEXT WITNESS. 504 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:01,094 - NO, I CALL THE NEXT WITNESS, 505 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:06,433 AND I CALL ALEC BALDWIN TO THE STAND. 506 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,534 MR. LATARDO, COME ON. 507 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,036 COME ON. 508 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,670 - [shuddering] 509 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:12,705 OKAY, YEAH, IT'S A NEW TATTOO, 510 00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:14,641 AND IT'S PRETTY FRICKIN' INFECTED. 511 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,709 - OKAY, SO JUST TO BE CLEAR, 512 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,746 YOU GOT THIS NEW TATTOO DURING THESE COURT PROCEEDINGS, 513 00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:21,281 YOU PUT SOMETHING ON IT TO MAKE IT LOOK OLD 514 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,482 FOR THE EVIDENCE PHOTOS, 515 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:23,616 AND WHATEVER THAT WAS-- 516 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:24,784 PROBABLY TALCUM POWDER, I'M GUESSING, 517 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:25,785 CAUSED THE INFECTION? 518 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,020 - HOW DID YOU KNOW? 519 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,688 - BECAUSE I GOT A TATTOO MYSELF. 520 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:29,822 UPPER RIGHT THIGH. 521 00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:33,060 - OBJECTION--RELEVANCE AND NAUSEOUSNESS, YOUR HONOR. 522 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,362 - OVERRULED, COUNSELOR. 523 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,630 ANYWAY, I CHANGED MY MIND HALFWAY THROUGH, 524 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:38,865 SO I GOT YIN BUT NO YANG. 525 00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:43,070 SO I KNOW A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT INFECTIONS IN BAD PLACES. 526 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,804 - YES, WE'RE ALL VERY AWARE OF THAT. 527 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,439 - ALL RIGHT, COUNSELOR, APPROACH. 528 00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:47,607 - OH. 529 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,442 YES? 530 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:50,577 - ONE MORE COMMENT LIKE THAT, 531 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,079 AND I WILL FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT. 532 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,146 - [gasps] 533 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,248 WELL, I FIND IT CONTEMPTIBLE 534 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,549 THAT YOU BRING YOUR SORDID LITTLE PERSONAL LIFE 535 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:57,784 INTO THE COURTROOM. 536 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,219 AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, 537 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,620 I WILL BE FILING A FORMAL COMPLAINT 538 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:01,821 WITH THE JUDICIAL BOARD OF REVIEW, 539 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,391 AND AHNULD ISN'T ON THAT. 540 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:08,728 - [clears throat] 541 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:11,631 RECESS WHILE I FIGURE OUT 542 00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,366 WHAT I SHOULD DO YOU WITH YOU, MR. LATARDO. 543 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,368 COURT NEEDS ABOUT TEN MINUTES TO THINK ABOUT YOUR ASS. 544 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:16,403 [gavel claps] 545 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:26,313 . 546 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:26,779 - PLEASE BE SEATED. 547 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,450 SORRY, MR. LATARDO. 548 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,152 YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. 549 00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:33,686 - OKAY. 550 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,222 MS. MAYHEW, 551 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:36,523 YOU SAW AN ASS. 552 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,158 I'M SORRY YOU FELL INTO A BUSH, 553 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,227 BUT YOU DON'T GET $3 MILLION FOR IT. 554 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,228 YOU DON'T EVEN GET 1. 555 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,696 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SHOWING ONE ANOTHER THEIR ASSES 556 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,198 SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME. 557 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,134 WE DO IT BECAUSE IT'S HILARIOUS. 558 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,568 ALL RIGHT? 559 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,837 THROWING THE CASE OUT. 560 00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,272 I'M NOT FINISHED. 561 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:53,440 MR. LATARDO, 562 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:56,409 YOU TOOK A SMALL THING AND MADE IT WORSE 563 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,145 BY GETTING THAT TATTOO. 564 00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,547 YOU TAMPERED WITH EVIDENCE, AND YOU LIED TO A JUDGE. 565 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,681 LUCKILY FOR YOU, 566 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,616 I HAVE PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE OF HOW 567 00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:06,453 A TERRIBLE TATTOO CAN BE ITS OWN FORM 568 00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:07,754 OF PUNISHMENT, 569 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,856 SO I WILL SENTENCE YOU TO NOTHING MORE. 570 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,327 - GLAD YOU FINALLY DID YOUR JOB, REBECCA. 571 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,829 - ACTUALLY, DANA, 572 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,198 IF YOU WERE DOING YOUR JOB, 573 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,432 YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YOUR CLIENT 574 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,367 WAS LYING TO YOU, 575 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,169 AND I WARNED YOU ABOUT CALLING ME REBECCA. 576 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,536 I'M FINDING YOU IN CONTEMPT. 577 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:26,239 TEDWARD, CUFF HER AND GET HER OUT OF MY COURTROOM. 578 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,208 - MY PLEASURE. 579 00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,243 - I MEAN, REALLY. 580 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:34,214 - [kisses] 581 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,216 - YOU'RE REALLY KILLING THE OLD GANG HERE, REBECCA. 582 00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:37,217 YOUR HONOR. 583 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,285 [clears throat] JUDGE WRIGHT. 584 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,353 - HERE YOU GO. - THANK YOU. 585 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:44,557 HERE YOU GO, TEDWARD. 586 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,260 TWO SHOTS OF YOUR FAVORITE. 587 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,430 - WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 588 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,200 - IT'S TWO SHOTS OF BIRTHDAY CAKE VODKA. 589 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,601 - NO WHIPPED CREAM? 590 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,204 CAN'T DRINK BIRTHDAY CAKE VODKA WITHOUT WHIPPED CREAM. 591 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:58,271 - WHAT? 592 00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,272 - GIVE ME THOSE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 593 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:00,273 GOTTA DO EVERYTHING. 594 00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:01,841 - WHAT'S NEXT, SPRINKLES? 595 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,811 - HEY, JUDGE, HOW YOU DOING? 596 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,214 - [sighs] SIR. - REBECCA. 597 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,283 - NICE TO SEE YOU SLUMMING IT WITH US PLEBS. 598 00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:11,484 - DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE BRIEF. 599 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:12,485 MAY I? 600 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,487 - YEAH, PLEASE DO. 601 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:16,756 - I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU 602 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:19,192 THAT I FEEL A BIT GUILTY ABOUT HOW OUR CONVERSATION ENDED 603 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,193 THE OTHER DAY AT THE COURTHOUSE. 604 00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:23,596 - OH, SIR, UM, PLEASE, THAT'S-- 605 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:25,365 THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, BUT, UH-- 606 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,200 - JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT JUDGES-- 607 00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,769 REALLY ALL PEOPLE IN POSITIONS OF POWER-- 608 00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:32,672 HAVE MOMENTS WHEN THEY QUESTION HOW THEY GOT THERE. 609 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,241 YOU MAY WONDER IF YOU ROSE THROUGH THE RANKS 610 00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,608 BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, 611 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,977 OR YOU... [sighs] 612 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,811 MAY JUST THINK IT WAS BECAUSE 613 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,714 YOU WERE JUST ANOTHER MINORITY HIRE. 614 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,250 [clears throat] 615 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:44,784 AND I'M HERE IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT 616 00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,420 THAT I DON'T LIKE MUCH TO TELL YOU THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER. 617 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:50,223 DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU GOT THE ROBE, REBECCA. 618 00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:53,226 IT JUST MATTERS WHAT YOU DO WITH IT 619 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,294 ONCE YOU GET THERE. 620 00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:56,763 AND YOU, 621 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,898 YOU DO A GREAT JOB. 622 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:05,972 - WOW, UH... 623 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,774 THANK YOU, SIR. 624 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:11,311 I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR THAT, AND... 625 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,313 UH, WELL, IT MEANS A LOT TO ME, 626 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,515 COMING FROM YOU. 627 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:16,849 - [mutters indistinctly] 628 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:17,950 [clears throat] 629 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:20,320 UM, I'M-- I'M GONNA GO TO THE BAR, 630 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:21,588 AND I'M GONNA GET A SHOT OF TEQUILA, 631 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:22,822 AND I'M GONNA DRINK IT. 632 00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,591 THEN I'M GONNA TAKE MY TWO FRENCH BULLDOGS 633 00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,426 ON A VERY BRISK HIKE. 634 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,427 I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. 635 00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,461 - GOOD NIGHT, SIR. 636 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:30,563 - BYE, JUDGE. 637 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,300 WHAT'D HE WANT? 638 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:38,371 - HE WANTED TO TELL ME THAT 639 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,039 I'M A GOOD JUDGE. 640 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,040 - REALLY? 641 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,542 - [chuckles] 642 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:46,279 - I TELL YOU THAT ALL THE TIME! 643 00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,281 ALL THE TIME, AND I GET NOTHING. 644 00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:49,982 AND THEN BOLO TIE RIDES IN HERE ON HIS WHITE HORSE, 645 00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:51,951 AND YOU JUST BREAK DOWN AND START SNIFFLING? 646 00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,019 UGH. 647 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,288 IT'S NOT RIGHT. IT'S NOT RIGHT. 648 00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:55,955 LOOK--NO, NO. OH. 649 00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:56,956 - WHAT? 650 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,991 - NO BIRTHDAY CAKE VODKA FOR YOU. 651 00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:01,328 - UGH. THAT'S NOT BOOZE EITHER. 652 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:04,331 THAT'S A KIDS ICE CREAM FLAVOR. 653 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,065 THAT IS NOT A PUNISHMENT FOR ME. 654 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,500 I JUST WANT YOU TO BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT. 655 00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:09,502 - * DON'T BRING ME DOWN 656 00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:11,504 [crowd cheering]