1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:02,536 . 2 00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:03,471 - FORGET ABOUT YOUR WHITE CHRISTMAS, FOLKS. 3 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:09,077 THIS HOLIDAY WEEK, IT'S GONNA BE A SCORCHER ACROSS THE SOUTHLAND. 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,612 90s AT THE BEACH, TRIPLE DIGITS IN THE VALLEY. 5 00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,415 LET'S HOPE SANTA REMEMBERS TO HYDRATE. 6 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,418 [Walking in a Winter Wonderland playing] 7 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:21,255 * 8 00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:23,391 - TALK ABOUT A SOCCER MOM ON STEROIDS. 9 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,693 INTERNET SENSATION, REGINA BULLOCK OF DOWNEY, 10 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:28,262 ALSO KNOWN AS FACE-MASK MOM, IS SET TO GO 11 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,364 BEFORE A VAN NUYS JUDGE TODAY. 12 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,365 - HEY, HEY! THAT'S ME! 13 00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:32,633 THAT'S MY CASE! 14 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,502 - BULLOCK TOLD AUTHORITIES SHE HAD NO CHOICE 15 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:37,738 BUT TO GO AFTER THE CHILD WHO HAD, ACCORDING TO BULLOCK, 16 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:42,643 FACE-MASKED HER YOUNGEST CHILD. 17 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:46,180 - MOTHER'S LIKE YOU ARE A MENACE TO SOCIETY. 18 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:48,282 - OH, NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT THE MOM. 19 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:50,351 I'M THE JUDGE. 20 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:55,223 BOOM! 21 00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,224 YEAH. 22 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:59,227 [upbeat music] 23 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:07,335 * 24 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,674 - OH, SURE, SEND THEM THROUGH SECURITY 25 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,243 LIKE THEY'RE LOADED DOWN WITH KNIVES. 26 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,510 SHOW ME A BETTER KID ANYWHERE. 27 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:17,511 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN'T. 28 00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:18,512 THAT'S RIGHT. 29 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:19,647 - MORNING, RAY. 30 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,350 - OH, SO NUNCHUCKS AND HEROIN CAN JUST WALTZ ON IN? 31 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,352 WHY ISN'T ANYONE STOPPING HER? 32 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:25,419 - DEPUTY, DO ME A FAVOR. 33 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:26,820 DON'T BOTHER PUTTING THE COOLER THROUGH SECURITY. 34 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,689 IT'S BANNED. 35 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:30,491 - SORRY, MA'AM. COOLER'S NOT ALLOWED. 36 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,226 IT'S 5,000 DEGREES OUT THERE. 37 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,395 WHAT AM I, SUPPOSED TO LEAVE A COOLER FULL OF ICE AND JUICE 38 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,229 IN THE BACK OF MY VAN? 39 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:36,797 - YOU CAN LEAVE IT HERE IF YOU LIKE. 40 00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:39,233 - WELL, I DON'T LIKE. I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT. 41 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,434 AND KEEP YOUR MITTS OF MY JUICE. 42 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:41,902 I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MANY ARE IN THERE. 43 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:42,903 23. 44 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,906 - I HAD ONE. - 22. 45 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:46,907 - JUDY. 46 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:47,775 - WHAT'S UP, TW? 47 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,311 - OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, BAD NICKNAME, 48 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,780 IT TAKES TWICE AS LONG TO SAY THAT AS MY ACTUAL NAME. 49 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,248 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 50 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,217 - IT'S LIKE 1,000 DEGREES IN THIS BUILDING. 51 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,618 - I'VE BEEN PUT IN CHARGE OF THIS YEAR'S SECRET SANTA. 52 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,253 JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WERE STILL IN. 53 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:02,223 - YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD'VE DONE THAT LIKE DAYS AGO. 54 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,224 CHRISTMAS IS TOMORROW. 55 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,124 - LOOK, I KNOW. 56 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:04,992 LOOK, I LIVE IN AN INDIAN NEIGHBORHOOD 57 00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,328 CHRISTMAS JUST KIND OF CREPT UP ON ME. 58 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:08,329 PLUS, TWO BAILIFFS ARE OUT SICK. 59 00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:12,200 I'VE HAD TO PURELL ALL THE HANDCUFFS BY MYSELF. 60 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,401 LOOK, WHAT DO YOU SAY? 61 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,369 - LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. YEAH, I'M IN. 62 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:16,237 YAY! 63 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,871 OH, HEY LISTEN, YOU SOUND REALLY BUSY. 64 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,573 I CAN TAKE THAT OFF YOUR HANDS IF YOU WANT. 65 00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:21,342 I LOVE SECRET SANTAS. 66 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,310 I CAN ORGANIZE EVERYTHING. 67 00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:23,511 - ARE YOU SERIOUS? REALLY? 68 00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:24,778 YEAH, YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT. 69 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:25,846 THANKS, JUDY. - NO PROBLEM. 70 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:26,980 ALL RIGHT. 71 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,950 OH, LOOK, BEFORE I FORGET, WE'RE HAVING A BLOCK PARTY 72 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,352 IN MARCH FOR RAMA KRISHNA JAYANTI. 73 00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:32,653 LOOK, GONNA BE REAL COOL. 74 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,223 VERY BAHUT MAHAN. 75 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:37,858 OH, YEAH, GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF MY YOGURT. 76 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,393 - GOOD MORNING, JUDGE WRIGHT. - MM. 77 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:41,362 - AS ALWAYS, TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE OUTFIT. 78 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:42,296 - THANK YOU SIR. 79 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,397 I GOT DRESSED IN MY TRUCK THIS MORNING. 80 00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:45,966 IT WAS TOUCH AND GO WHETHER I'D HAVE BOTTOMS AT ALL. 81 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,701 - WELL, WE'RE ALL GRATEFUL YOU DID. 82 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,570 ALTHOUGH, IT IS UNSEASONABLY WARM. 83 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,938 - SIR, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE! 84 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,940 IT'S TOO HOT. WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE WORKING. 85 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,342 WE SHOULD BE AT THE BEACH. 86 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,410 HEY! HEY! BEACH COURT. 87 00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:57,878 WHY ISN'T THAT A SHOW ON MTV? 88 00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,213 - THEY DON'T EVEN PLAY MUSIC ANYMORE. 89 00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,314 IT'S VERY UPSETTING. - YEAH. 90 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:03,717 - SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS ADVENTURE 91 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:04,585 THIS YEAR? 92 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,620 KNIFE-THROWING? RUNNING WITH THE BULLS? 93 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,789 IT IS NOT A CHRISTMAS ADVENTURE, ALL RIGHT? 94 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,559 EVERY YEAR ON CHRISTMAS, I CHOOSE TO GIVE MYSELF THE GIFT 95 00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,395 OF DOING SOMETHING I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE. 96 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:15,396 - OH, LIKE CLOTHED SOBRIETY. 97 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,331 - WELL, I TRIED THAT ONCE. I DID NOT LIKE IT. 98 00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:19,400 - WELL, AS PER USUAL, YOU ARE INVITED 99 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,868 TO JOIN ME AND MY FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER. 100 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,403 MY SON IS BACK FROM COLLEGE. 101 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:23,704 - JESSE? - YUP. 102 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:25,373 - HAS HE DECLARED A MAJOR, YET? 103 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,874 - YUP. POETRY. 104 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:27,741 - OH. 105 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:28,542 - MAYBE HE CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING 106 00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,578 THAT RHYMES WITH $60,000 A YEAR. 107 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,346 - MM. 108 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,749 UGH, IT'S HOT IN HERE, TOO? 109 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,351 - TEDWARD? 110 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,420 - DOWN HERE, JUDGE. 111 00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,355 - WHAT? 112 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,856 WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE? 113 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,358 - HOT AIR RISES. 114 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,660 COOL AIR'S DOWN HERE HANGING WITH ME. 115 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:48,862 LOOK, FACT OF THE MATTER IS, AIR CONDITIONING IS JACKED 116 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,298 ON THIS SIDE OF THE COURTHOUSE. 117 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,465 - NO, NOT AGAIN, MAN. 118 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,033 WHAT IS IT WITH THESE UNION GUYS? 119 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,270 THEY PROTECT THIS $60 THERMOSTAT LIKE IT'S THAT BIG DIAMOND 120 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,539 WITH MAGICAL POWERS IN MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE. 121 00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,707 - IS THAT THE PLOT? 122 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,941 - WELL, I DON'T FOLLOW THE PLOT. 123 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,043 I JUST GO TO WATCH TOM CRUISE RUN AROUND IN HIS MOM JEANS. 124 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,945 SO DID THEY GIVE YOU AN ETA 125 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,447 OF WHEN THE A/C'S GONNA BE UP AND RUNNING? 126 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,316 - WELL, I FILLED OUT TWO REQUESTS, 127 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,883 BOTH OF THEM IN QUADRUPLICATE. 128 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,420 LEFT THREE VOICEMAILS. SENT AN EMAIL. 129 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,787 STILL GOT NOTHING BACK. 130 00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:14,855 LOOK, THEN I JUST TRIED TO OPEN A WINDOW-- 131 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:16,056 - NO. 132 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,359 ORDINANCE 00-294. 133 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,960 ALL ODD-NUMBERED MUNICIPAL STRUCTURES 134 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,795 ZONED BETWEEN '46 AND '78 WINDOWS 135 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,532 MUST BE NAILED SHUT DUE TO JUMPERS. 136 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:25,566 - WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT? 137 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:29,970 - DUDE, MY BRAIN IS A HOARDER. 138 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:30,971 - UH-OH. 139 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,806 WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND, JUDGE? 140 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,375 - WE GOT A HIGH PROFILE CASE WITH TOM, 141 00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:37,345 A HEAT WAVE, NO A/C, HE'S GONNA OBJECT TO EVERYTHING, 142 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,947 SWEAT THROUGH HIS SUIT, SAY HE'S NOT HOT WHEN HE IS, 143 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,383 SPEAK IN TONGUES, MAYBE NOT SPEAK IN TONGUES, 144 00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,485 AND THEN DROP LIKE A DRUNK GIRL A COACHELLA. 145 00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:47,388 - OH, HE HIS DEFINITELY GONNA SPEAK IN TONGUES 146 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,357 AND THAT'S GONNA BE THE SWEET SPOT OF MY DAY. 147 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,725 both: MM. 148 00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:53,761 - LET'S DO THIS. - LET'S DO IT. 149 00:04:57,498 --> 00:05:00,501 [moaning] 150 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,873 - JUDGE, YOU'RE MAKING SOME MIGHTY PRIVATE SOUNDS THERE. 151 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,008 - OH, TEDWARD, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A BEER COMMERCIAL, 152 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,444 AND I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE. 153 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:17,918 . 154 00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:19,119 - MRS. BULLOCK, IT'S THE COURT'S UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU'VE PL-- 155 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,891 ALL RIGHT, LOOK, MRS. BULLOCK, WHATEVER, I GET IT, ALL RIGHT? 156 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,026 YOU HEAR "ALL RISE," YOU GET UP, YOU STAND UP, 157 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,796 YOU REALIZE I'M THE JUDGE YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR. 158 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,698 WHAT WAS IT? HEROIN AND NUNCHUCKS? 159 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,600 SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 160 00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:36,504 ANYWAY, I BEAR NEITHER GRUDGES NOR FOOLS, SO WE'RE ALL GOOD. 161 00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,873 BUT YOU DO HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE COURT. 162 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,475 REGINA BULLOCK, IT'S THE COURT'S UNDERSTANDING 163 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,711 THAT YOU HAVE PLED "NO CONTEST" TO CALIFORNIA PENAL CODE 164 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,914 273-A, MISDEMEANOR RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT OF A CHILD, 165 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:47,981 IS THAT CORRECT? 166 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,883 - CORRECT. - SHE HIT A KID! 167 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:50,884 - OBJECTION. 168 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:51,752 all: BOO! 169 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,421 - OH, OBJECTION TO THIS. 170 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:54,555 - YOU, OVER-RULED. AND THE SAME FOR YOU. 171 00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,524 AND TO THE SHORTIES IN THE HOUSE, 172 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:57,625 THERE'S NO BOOING, OKAY? 173 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:58,959 AND THERE'S NO CHEERING. 174 00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,629 AND IF YOU THINK I WON'T CITE A KID FOR CONTEMPT, 175 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:05,999 IT'S ON MY BUCKET LIST. TRY ME. 176 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,968 COUNSELOR, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOU CLIENT? 177 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,037 - ONLY THAT MRS. BULLOCK WITNESS HER YOUNGEST CHILD 178 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,606 GET FACE-MASKED BY A MUCH LARGER CHILD. 179 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,174 MRS. BULLOCK THEN EMBARKED ON A BRISK WALK 180 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,043 BEFORE GENTLY PUSHING THE LARGER CHILD TO THE GROUND. 181 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:19,813 THE CHILD, YOUR HONOR, WHO WAS PROTECTED HEAD-TO-TOE 182 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:20,648 WITH REGULATION PADS AND A HELMET. 183 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,716 - OBJECTION! HE'S CHARACTERIZING-- 184 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,552 - SUSTAINED. I SAW THE VIDEO, COUNSELOR, ALL RIGHT? 185 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,186 NOBODY GETS 9 MILLION HITS ON YOUTUBE 186 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,888 FOR DOING ANYTHING "GENTLY." 187 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:31,759 TEDWARD, CAN YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS HEAT? 188 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,765 - YOU CAN HAVE MY JUICE, SIR. 189 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,900 - FINE. 190 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,670 OKAY, FINE. FINE. LET THE COOLER IN. 191 00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:43,737 children: YAY! 192 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:45,873 - HEY, JUDGE. - HEY JUDY. 193 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,207 - I'M IN CHARGE OF SECRET SANTAS. 194 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,075 TEDWARD ASKED ME. 195 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,777 SAID HE WANTED THE RESPONSIBILITY TO GO 196 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,812 TO SOMEONE HE FINDS ATTRACTIVE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH-- 197 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,747 I DON'T KNOW, I STOPPED LISTENING. 198 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:54,848 ANYWAY, HERE YOU GO. 199 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,884 THE RULE IS YOU HAVE TO DROP OFF YOUR GIFT TOMORROW. 200 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,986 - NO, LOOK, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, JUDY, 201 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:01,154 I HAVE NO TIME TO SHOP FOR GIFTS. 202 00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,823 - THAT'S NOT MY FAULT, THAT'S ON TEDWARD. 203 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,958 LOOK, THERE'S ONLY ONE SLIP LEFT. 204 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,595 IF YOU DON'T TAKE IT, SOMEONE DOESN'T GET A PRESENT. 205 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:09,697 NO PRESENT, IMAGINE THE HEARTBREAK. 206 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,566 DO YOU REALLY WANT TO RUIN SOMEONE'S CHRISTMAS 207 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,235 LIKE SOME SWEATY, RED-GLASSES WEARING GRINCH? I MEAN-- 208 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,472 - ALL RIGHT! I WILL TAKE IT IF YOU STOP TALKING. 209 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:24,478 - I THINK SOMEONE'S HEART GREW THREE SIZES JUST NOW. 210 00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:25,979 BUT JUDY, WHAT'S THE SPENDING LIMIT? 211 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:26,980 - $50. 212 00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,182 ALTHOUGH, YOU DO MAKE FOUR TIMES AS MUCH AS I DO 213 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:33,887 SO WHATEVER THAT MEANS TO YOU. 214 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,756 - A LITTLE ORDER IN THE COURT PLEASE, ALL RIGHT? 215 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:36,990 FRESHEN UP, SETTLE DOWN, 216 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:42,963 AND CAN YOU TOSS ME A COUPLE OF THOSE JUICE BOXES, PLEASE. 217 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,131 THANK YOU. 218 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:47,100 - YOUR HONOR, IN THE SPIRIT OF MOVING THINGS ALONG... 219 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,502 - YES, COUNSELOR. 220 00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:49,870 GIVEN THE HEAT AND THE FACT THAT THE DEFENSE 221 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:53,173 HAS ALREADY PLED NO CONTEST, I'D REALLY LIKE TO GET 222 00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:56,009 TO MRS. BULLOCK'S PETITION FOR LENIENCY. 223 00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:57,845 UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE PROSECUTION 224 00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,848 WANTS TO DO A WHOLE SONG AND DANCE ABOUT MAXIMUM SENTENCING. 225 00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:01,782 - OH, WE DO. 226 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,651 100% WE WANT TO. 227 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:04,918 MAXIMUM JAIL TIME. 228 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,253 COMMUNITY SERVICE. 229 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,588 BIG FINE. 230 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:08,656 DIP INTO THEIR COLLEGE FUNDS. 231 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,825 - ALL RIGHT, COUNSELOR, PLEASE APPROACH THE BENCH. 232 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,795 - WHAT? 233 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:15,863 - COLLEGE FUNDS, TOM. 234 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:16,864 YOU NEED TO COOL OFF. 235 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,298 WILL YOU PLEASE HAVE A JUICE? 236 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,800 - NOT FROM MY COOLER! 237 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:20,834 - DON'T NEED IT. 238 00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:21,969 NO HOT. 239 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,537 WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT THAT YOU'RE AFFECTED BY THE HEAT 240 00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:24,538 LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. 241 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,873 - I'M NOT AFFECTED BY THE HEAT. 242 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,241 THEY ARE. THIS JURY IS PUTTY IN MY HANDS. 243 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:31,812 - OH, TOM, THERE'S NO JURY, JUST A BUNCH OF NUBBY CHAIRS 244 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,747 WITH MYSTERY STAINS. 245 00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:36,917 - STEP AWAY FROM THAT THERMOSTAT, SON. 246 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,119 - WAYNE CAMPBELL. LOCAL 617. 247 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,588 LET'S SEE HERE. 248 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,955 WELL, AS MUCH AS I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT, 249 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,691 YOUR TOUCHPAD'S GOOD. 250 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,759 THE TROUBLE'S WITH YOUR DIAL, WHICH IS TECHNICALLY A KNOB. 251 00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:48,261 AND THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT UNION ALTOGETHER. 252 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,798 KNOBS AND DIALS AND THINGS LIKE THAT, 253 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:51,865 THAT'S DANTE. 254 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,601 IF YOU SEE HIM, WHEN YOU SEE HIM, 255 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,669 PLEASE TELL HIM OF OUR SUFFERING. 256 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,705 - YES, MA'AM. 257 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:02,075 - IT'S HOT, THEY SAY. 258 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,744 BUT I AM NOT HOT. 259 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:06,079 - [groans] 260 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,615 - COME WITH ME. LET'S IMAGINE-- 261 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,982 - OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR. RELEVANCE. 262 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,250 SUSTAINED. 263 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,586 TOM, GET TO THE D.A.'S RECOMMENDATION, PLEASE. 264 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,922 - LET'S IMAGINE OURSELVES IN A DEPRESSION-ERA 265 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,323 MISSISSIPPI COURTROOM. 266 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,158 - I'D RATHER NOT. 267 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:18,992 - LOOK, GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT. 268 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:20,828 SEE IF YOU CAN FIND THIS DANTE GUY, 269 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,631 - I'D RATHER NOT DO THAT EITHER. 270 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,165 OH, I SEE. OKAY. 271 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,134 YOU'RE BRINGING OUT THE LOOK. 272 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:31,772 - AND THIS MOTHER GUY IS A CHILD MISDANGERER. 273 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,774 ENDANGEROUS. MISDANGERMENT. 274 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,275 - OKAY, HE CALLED ME A MOTHER GUY. 275 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,644 YOU GOT THAT RIGHT? 276 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,311 - I GET EVERYTHING. I DON'T EVEN TRY. 277 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,747 ALL RIGHT, THE DISTRICT TURTTORNEY 278 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,881 NEEDS A LITTLE TAIL TIME. 279 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,015 - OOPS, YOU LOST ME. 280 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,383 AND SPEAKING IN TONGUES, CHECK. 281 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,786 TOM, IF YOU CAN STILL HEAR ME, DON'T HIT YOUR HEAD 282 00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,821 ON THE WAY DOWN. 283 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:48,922 HE'S DOWN. 284 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:54,261 . 285 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,395 - TEDWARD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE AFRAID OF THE BASEMENT. 286 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,631 - YOU KNOW WHAT, JUDGE, I AM NOT AFRAID 287 00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,232 OF BASEMENTS, OKAY? 288 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:02,102 I DO NOT LIKE BASEMENTS 'CAUSE THEY'RE HOTBEDS FOR MURDER 289 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,837 AND THE OCCULT, OKAY? 290 00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:05,238 AND, LOOK, LET ME TELL YOU, IT'S NOT FEAR. 291 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,940 THAT IS KNOWLEDGE, OKAY? 292 00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,041 THAT'S KNOWLEDGE-- YOU KNOW, HOW-- 293 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,042 AFRAID? - OKAY. 294 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:12,245 - THAT IS A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS, YOUR HONOR. 295 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,249 - PUT THAT THING AWAY, IT'S A BASEMENT! 296 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,285 - YEAH, EXACTLY! 297 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,956 - IT'S FREEZING IN HERE! - OH, A/C! 298 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:28,295 - JUDGE JORDAN? 299 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,330 WHAT THE-- 300 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,803 - $100 BUY-IN. 301 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,070 - OH, WE DIDN'T COME TO PLAY. 302 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:38,338 - OKAY. OKAY. 303 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:43,310 SO LET'S SEE, I SEE POKER CHIPS, CARDS, CASH, BOOZE, GAMBLING. 304 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:46,980 NO, LOOK, THE ONLY CRIME THAT I SEE IS THAT A BUNCH OF YOU 305 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,282 ARE WEARING PARKAS IN A BASEMENT 306 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,085 WHILE IT'S 110 DEGREES UP IN MY COURTROOM! 307 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,086 PARKAS? 308 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,688 I GOT BOOB SWEAT. 309 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:55,823 - WE DON'T WANNA CATCH COLDS. 310 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:57,290 - ARE YOU TRYING TO CATCH A HAND TO THE BACK OF THE FACE? 311 00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:01,762 HUH? Y'ALL DO REALIZE SHE'S A JUDGE, RIGHT? 312 00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:03,296 - OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, YOUR HONOR? 313 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:04,131 - OH, "WHAT'S UP"? 314 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,799 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S UP, BARRY WHITE. 315 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:06,967 WHICH ONE OF YOU'S DANTE? 316 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,902 I'M LOOKING FOR DANTE, THE KNOB GUY. 317 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:09,903 - I'M DANTE. 318 00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,371 YOU NEED A KNOB. I ALREADY KNOW. 319 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,405 RELAX. 320 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,406 YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE LIST. 321 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,142 OH, I'M ON THE LIST? REALLY? 322 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,309 THE--YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT ON YOUR LIST? 323 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,012 IS THAT FOUR-FIVE OFF SUIT AND THE FLOP'S A JACK-QUEEN. 324 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,213 I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR. 325 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,715 TEDWARD, SHOW 'EM HOW WE DO. 326 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,717 - ALL RISE, DANTE. ALL RISE! 327 00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,986 - GET YOUR VELVETY VOICE-ASS UP TOO. 328 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,354 ALL RISE. 329 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,423 COURT IS NOW IN SESSION, THE HONORABLE REBECCA WRIGHT, 330 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,025 JUDGE PRESIDING. 331 00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,326 PLEASE BE SEATED AND COME TO ORDER. 332 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,462 [A/C whirs] 333 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:38,065 - [chuckles] 334 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,199 [applause] 335 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:44,938 - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE LOVELY AND TALENTED, DANTE. 336 00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,974 - WOO. - THANK YOU. 337 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:50,410 - NO LAST NAME, APPARENTLY. [clears throat] 338 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,245 COUNSELOR, YOUR CLIENT. 339 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:54,514 - BEFORE YOU SENTENCE ME, CAN I JUST SAY-- 340 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,317 UH, CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING? 341 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:58,919 I'M A MOTHER, YOU ARE A MOTHER-- 342 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,788 - NO, SHE'S NOT. NOT A MOM. 343 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:01,889 - THANK YOU, TOM. 344 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,390 - WELCOME. 345 00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:04,391 - IT'S A WELL-KNOWN FACT. 346 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,859 PEOPLE SAY IT ALL THE TIME. 347 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,227 ESPECIALLY OPRAH. 348 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,763 YOU KNOW, BACK IN WHEN SHE WAS "OPRAH" OPRAH. 349 00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:13,000 BEING A MOTHER IS THE HARDEST JOB ON EARTH. 350 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:16,804 - WELL, I WOULD TELL ALL THOSE DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF OPRAH, 351 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,806 AND ANYBODY ELSE, THAT THEY SHOULD WATCH 352 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,074 WORLD'S DEADLIEST CATCH 'CAUSE THAT'S ACTUALLY THE HARDEST JOB. 353 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,943 - SINCE YOU'RE NOT A MOM, YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY QUALIFIED 354 00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,144 TO SAY, ARE YOU? 355 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,979 - WELL, I'M NOT AN ALASKAN CRAB FISHERMAN, 356 00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,480 AND IT LOOKS VERY DANGEROUS 357 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,149 AND VERY EXHAUSTING FROM MY COUCH. 358 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,351 - WELL THAT'S BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY EDIT IT. 359 00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:32,953 AND THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO TO ME. 360 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,455 THEY MAKE ME OUT OT BE THIS CRAZY-ASS FACE-MASK MOM, 361 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,424 BUT I AM A GOOD MOTHER, OKAY? 362 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,059 - OBJECTION, IRRELEVANT. 363 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,560 WE'RE NOT HERE TO DETERMINE THE QUALITY 364 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,329 OF FACE-MASK MOM'S MOTHERING. 365 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:43,997 - STOP CALLING ME THAT! 366 00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:45,332 - SUSTAINED. 367 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:46,867 TOM, THERE'S A PUDDLE FORMING UNDER YOUR CHAIR. 368 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,335 JUST BE AWARE. 369 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,871 AND THE PROSECUTION IS CORRECT. 370 00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:52,339 WE ARE HERE BECAUSE REGINA BULLOCK 371 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,441 WILLFULLY CHASED AND TACKLED A CHILD. 372 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,043 HOWEVER, IT IS THE COURT'S OPINION 373 00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:59,479 THAT SHE DID NOT INTEND GREAT BODILY HARM OR DEATH. 374 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:03,283 THEREFORE, THERE WILL BE NO JAIL TIME SERVED. 375 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:06,353 MRS. BULLOCK, WILL YOU PLEASE STAND FOR SENTENCING? 376 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,989 I'M SENSING A LOT OF HOSTILITY HERE. 377 00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,959 - WH--WHAT? COUNSELOR? 378 00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,593 - NO ONE'S GONNA QUESTION ME, I WILL QUESTION MYSELF. 379 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,895 BIBLE PLEASE? 380 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,163 - MRS. BULLOCK, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY. 381 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,366 - OKAY, WELL, IT'S HAPPENING. 382 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:20,868 WHOLE TRUTH, NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, 383 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,870 BIBLE, BIBLE, BIBLE-- THAT'S ALL I KNOW. 384 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,404 OKAY, THAT LITTLE BOY OVER THERE, 385 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:25,505 THAT IS MY SON. 386 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:29,542 SOMEONE GRABBED HIM BY THE FACE-MASK AND SWUNG HIM. 387 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,411 OKAY? LIKE A BIG FAT PURSE. 388 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:32,846 WHERE IS THE YOUTUBE OF THAT? 389 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,114 I WILL ASK YOU. 390 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,315 I'D--I'D TACKLE THAT KID ALL OVER AGAIN. 391 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,617 AND ONLY I'D DO IT HIGHER AND HARDER. 392 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,486 PROBABLY SOMEWHERE NEAR THE KIDNEYS, YOU KNOW? 393 00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:40,921 REALLY GIVE IT TO HIM. 394 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,023 - MRS. BULLOCK, PLEASE MEET ME IN CHAMBERS. 395 00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:44,324 - OBJECTION! 396 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,458 GIRL TALK. 397 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:49,162 - YOU CANNOT SAY THAT YOU WOULD WILLINGLY HARM A CHILD. 398 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,332 IT MAKES IT VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO GO EASY ON YOU. 399 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,434 - THIS OFFICE IS A MESS. YOU LIVE LIKE A GOAT. 400 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,303 LOOK, I CAN PUT JAIL BACK ON THE TABLE. 401 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,271 DON'T CROSS YOUR ARMS AT ME. 402 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:01,041 - FINE. 403 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,310 - OKAY, NOW YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANGRY CARTOON CHARACTER. 404 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,345 SERIOUSLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE STEAM AND SMOKE 405 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:06,346 COMING OUT OF YOUR EARS. 406 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,414 SIT DOWN. 407 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,615 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? 408 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:13,286 I MEAN, WHY ARE YOU SO TIGHTLY WOUND? 409 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,423 YOUR HONOR, MY ENTIRE LIFE IS DEVOTED TO MY CHILDREN. 410 00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,491 IT'S WHY I GET UP EVERY MORNING. 411 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,094 AND THREE MONTHS AGO, MY HUSBAND WALKED OUT ON US 412 00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,930 FOR THE GIRL AT THE GENIUS BAR. 413 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,432 - FIXED YOUR IPAD, BROKE YOUR HOME. 414 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,201 I'M SORRY, PLEASE CONTINUE. 415 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,503 - SO A BOMB HAS GONE OFF IN THERE LIVES 416 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,572 AND THERE IS LITERALLY NOT ONE THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. 417 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:37,077 SO, YES, MAYBE I TRY TO PROTECT THEM FROM EVERYTHING ELSE. 418 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,046 - I SEE. 419 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,114 AND LOOK, I SAW THAT VIDEO, THAT LITTLE DOUCHEBAG 420 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,115 DID HAVE IT COMING. 421 00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:43,650 BUT STILL, HE'S A CHILD. 422 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,152 - WELL, YOU JUST CALLED HIM A DOUCHEBAG. 423 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:49,990 - YES, BUT I'M NOT ON TRIAL HERE. 424 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,458 - YOU KNOW, TOMORROW IS THE FIRST CHRISTMAS 425 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,094 THAT I WON'T BE WITH MY KIDS. 426 00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:58,431 THEY'LL BE SPENDING IT WITH THEIR DAD AND THE STUPID GENIUS. 427 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,200 SHE'S NOT EVEN A GOOD ONE, YOU KNOW? 428 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,335 SHE HAD TO ASK THE SUPERVISOR FOR HELP. 429 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:03,670 - THAT'S TOUGH. 430 00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:04,871 BUT LOOK, LOOK. 431 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,240 MAYBE THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO DO SOMETHING FUN 432 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:08,475 FOR YOURSELF. 433 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:12,345 I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU REALLY LET YOUR HAIR DOWN 434 00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:14,481 AND HAD FUN? 435 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,083 - I DON'T KNOW. 436 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,318 OH, THREE DAYS AGO I RENEWED MY SUBSCRIPTION 437 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,287 TO COOKING LIGHT. 438 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,688 I PAID FULL PRICE. 439 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:26,626 - WOW, STILL RIDING THAT HIGH, HUH? 440 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:29,296 MRS. BULLOCK, I MAY NEVER FULLY RELATE 441 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,064 TO WHAT DROVE YOU TO TACKLE THAT BOY. 442 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,100 WHEN IT COMES TO A MOTHER'S INSTINCT 443 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,468 TO PROTECT HER CHILDREN, I'M CERTAINLY NO GENIUS. 444 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,104 - GENIUS? REALLY? 445 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,405 - POOR CHOICE OF WORDS. ALL RIGHT? 446 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:42,442 I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO SIX MONTHS COUNSELING. 447 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,445 THE FIRST CARD, YOU WILL FIND DR. GARY BOYD. 448 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,480 HE SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND FAMILY COUNSELING. 449 00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:49,983 THE NEXT CARD, THERE'S AN ADDRESS WRITTEN ON THE BACK. 450 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,584 YOU'RE TO REPORT THERE TOMORROW MORNING. 451 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,153 10 A.M. SHARP. 452 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:55,155 - WAIT, TOMORROW MORNING IS CHRISTMAS. 453 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:57,224 - WELL, I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE NO OTHER PLANS. 454 00:15:57,257 --> 00:16:00,460 SO HO-HO-HO! 455 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,363 - 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT YOU FORGOT 456 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,497 ABOUT SECRET SANTA-- 457 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,233 - OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE RIGHT. 458 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:10,137 - YEAH, UH, JUST A REMINDER, THAT, UH, STORES CLOSE EARLY. 459 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,204 ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE SHOPPING FOR SOMEONE 460 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:15,408 WHO MIGHT WANT GUCCI LOAFERS IN A MEN'S SIZE 11. 461 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:17,377 JUST SAYING. AN 11. 462 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,146 MALL RACE, SHERMAN OAKS GALLERIA. 463 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:20,147 ASK FOR PAUL. 464 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:27,087 . 465 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:27,954 [Up On the Housetop by Pomplamoose] 466 00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:38,131 * 467 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:42,269 - MERRY FRIGGIN CHRISTMAS! 468 00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:45,105 - OH, GOD. WHY HAVE YOU LURED ME TO YOUR HOME? 469 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,240 THIS FEELS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A DATELINE STORY. 470 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,276 - WELL, I'M PROBABLY NOT GONNA MURDER YOU. 471 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,579 BUT EVERY YEAR ON CHRISTMAS, I DO SOMETHING FUN AND NEW, 472 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:56,349 AND THIS YEAR, YOU ARE DOING IT WITH ME. 473 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:57,384 ALL RIGHT? - OH, OKAY. 474 00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:00,587 THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS WORSE THAN BEING MURDERED. 475 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:07,794 * 476 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,397 - SO THIS IS YOUR BIG PRESENT TO YOURSELF? 477 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,299 YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE BEACH BEFORE? 478 00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:13,533 - HERE, DRINK THAT. 479 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,068 OH, NO, THANK YOU. 480 00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,203 - IT'S NOT OPTIONAL. 481 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:19,372 THIS IS A COURT-ORDERED SHOT. 482 00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:21,241 MERRY CHRISTMAS, REGINA. BOTTOMS UP. 483 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:25,778 - MERRY CHRISTMAS. 484 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:26,846 OKAY, ALL RIGHT. - WOO! 485 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,149 - SO THERE I DID YOUR SHOT OF TEQUILA ON THE BEACH 486 00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:31,084 ON CHRISTMAS DAY. 487 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:32,419 I FEEL LIKE A NEW WOMAN. 488 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:33,586 - WOO! - SO CAN I GO HOME NOW? 489 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,388 - NO, NO, NO. WE'RE NOT GOING HOME. 490 00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:36,389 WE'RE GOING IN. 491 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:37,457 - I'M SORRY, IN THE WATER? 492 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:38,725 - YEAH. - NO, SIR. 493 00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,193 IT'S DECEMBER, IT'S GONNA BE FREEZING. 494 00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:41,328 - NO, NO, THAT'S WHAT THE TEQUILA WAS FOR. 495 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:42,629 WARMS US UP. 496 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:43,863 - OH, NO. WELL, I DON'T HAVE A BATHING SUIT. 497 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:44,864 SO THERE'S THAT. 498 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:45,865 - IT DOESN'T MATTER. 499 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,268 IT'S A NUDE BEACH. 500 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,836 - OH, NO. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES-- 501 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,671 - YEAH! YEAH! - ARE YOU CRAZY? 502 00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:56,876 - WELL, DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES, OKAY? 503 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,811 THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA IS ORDERING YOU 504 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,213 TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, ALL RIGHT? 505 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,314 SO STRIP. 506 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,749 - YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DRINK ALCOHOL 507 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,351 AND STRIP PUBLICLY? 508 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,752 - THAT'S RIGHT. 509 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,254 - IF YOU WERE A FRATERNITY, THEY WOULD TAKE AWAY 510 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,788 YOUR CHARTER FOR HAZING. 511 00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:09,889 - IF I WERE A FRATERNITY, I WOULD HAVE BURNED 512 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,023 TO THE GROUND A LONG TIME AGO. 513 00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:14,361 [Walking in a Winter Wonderland by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy] 514 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,362 * 515 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:16,363 READY? 516 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,797 - NOT AT ALL, NO. 517 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:20,833 - ONE...TWO...THREE! 518 00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,869 [screaming] 519 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,745 [laughing] 520 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,816 - WE'RE DOING IT! 521 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:40,320 - OH, MY GOD! IT'S FREEZING! 522 00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,855 - OH, MY GOD. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS 523 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,424 IN AGES. 524 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:49,529 AND I LOVE IT! IT'S AMAZING! 525 00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,231 AND OUR BOSOMS JUST TOUCHED. 526 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:54,267 [laughing] 527 00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,571 [sobbing] 528 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,879 - WOO! I FEEL LIKE I JUST WITNESSED A WATER BIRTH. 529 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,881 YEAH! - YEAH. 530 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,250 THAT FEELS BETTER. 531 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:13,686 - GOOD! WOO-HOO-HOO! 532 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,723 - WAIT... 533 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,792 THIS ISN'T A NUDE BEACH, IS IT? 534 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,829 - NO. IT'S NOT. 535 00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:26,899 MERRY CHRISTMAS. 536 00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,635 - OH, RELAX. NO ONE'S BEEN SHOT. 537 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,804 JUST A COUPLE OF NAKED LADIES. 538 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,478 THANK YOU, REBECCA. 539 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,813 YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT MY KIDS ONCE? 540 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:41,748 - REALLY? 541 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,816 - NO, I THOUGHT ABOUT THEM THE ENTIRE DAY. 542 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,652 EXCEPT FOR THAT 20 MINUTES WHERE I COULDN'T FEEL 543 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:46,553 HALF MY BODY. 544 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,754 - I SHOULD THANK YOU FOR COMING ALONG. 545 00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:51,924 I HAVE OFFICIALLY SKINNY DIPPED IN ALL FIVE OF THE OCEANS. 546 00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:52,792 - WOW. 547 00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:54,861 - AND THE MOAT AT THE MINI GOLF CASTLE. 548 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:55,862 - [chuckles] 549 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,330 - YEAH. 550 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,232 - I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE TRAUMATIZED THAT FAMILY. 551 00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,501 - YEAH. I DON'T-- NO, I ACTUALLY THINK 552 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,969 BOUGHT THE MERMAID STORY. 553 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:05,805 [laughing] 554 00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:08,775 [Twinkle (Little Christmas Lights) by JD McPherson] 555 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,810 * 556 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,945 FROM JUDGE HERNANDEZ? HMM. 557 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,314 [rings doorbell] - HEY, JUDGE. 558 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:15,114 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 559 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,516 - I GOT JUDY FOR MY SECRET SANTA. 560 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,517 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 561 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,552 - I GOT JUDY, TOO. 562 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:20,787 - THAT'S WEIRD. REALLY? 563 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,822 - THAT IS WEIRD. 564 00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:26,926 - WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? 565 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,761 OH, IS THIS LIKE A PARTY? 566 00:20:28,795 --> 00:20:31,798 'CAUSE I CANNOT STAY FOR MORE THAN LIKE, AN HOUR. 567 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,800 - NO, WE BOTH GOT JUDY FOR SECRET SANTA. 568 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,768 - NO, WAIT--I-- YOU GOT JU-- 569 00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:36,803 I GOT JUDY! 570 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:37,804 - WAIT A MINUTE. - WHAT? 571 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,372 - WE ALL GOT JUDY A PRESENT? 572 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:40,873 - YOU KNOW, THEY SAY IT'S BETTER TO GIVE 573 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,675 THAN RECEIVE ON CHRISTMAS. 574 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:45,712 BUT I SAY THAT IS A BUNCH OF MALARKEY. 575 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,414 SO HAND THEM OVER. 576 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,415 - I GOTTA GIVE YOU CREDIT. 577 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,949 - THANK YOU. - JUDY! 578 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,684 - JUST BE CAREFUL WITH THIS. - WOW. 579 00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:55,021 - TIPPY SPENT LIKE, AN HOUR ON THAT. 580 00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,957 - MOM, JASMINE, EZEKIEL, 581 00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:00,993 SANTA DROPPED OFF MORE PRESENTS! 582 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:06,566 - IT'S A BOLD MOVE BUT I GOTTA SAY, I LIKE HER STYLE. 583 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,701 - IS EZEKIEL HER CAT? 584 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:10,637 - I THINK THEY'RE ALL HER CATS. 585 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,672 - EVEN MOM?