.
Flexors are so tight, Tedward.
Do I need to set another appointment with Thai Vicky?
Yeah, or Thai Barbara.
Thai--okay. All right.
Hey, good news, guys.
Tippy is out of town, so the leash is off.
[laughs] Not that there is a leash,
per say, but if there was one,
Daddy is not wearing it.
Tippy finally leave you
because you always refer to yourself as Daddy?
- [laughs] - No.
You and Tippy are usually attached at the hip.
You're gonna be okay without her?
Please. My schedule is full.
I have restaurants to try, museum exhibits to check out.
Mm.
Daddy's gonna have all kinds of fun with himself.
Well, you know what they say.
When the cat's away, the mice will masturbate.
[laughs]
Judge Wright.
I hear you wrapped up the Smithfield case this morning?
I did, yes. I did.
If you hear three more cases by Thursday,
you will be the youngest judge ever to hit 1,000.
Really?
Right now, Judge Spoleto holds the record.
You'll knock him off his perch.
Well, Spoleto's the devil.
Anti-choice and pro-Prop 8.
And he has a secret camp where he hunts people.
From what I hear.
Tedward, come on. You heard the man.
I have to rule on three cases by Thursday.
Can we do it?
- Yeah, we can do it. - Yeah?
What's on the docket today?
Good Samaritan Retirement Home
versus Aphrodite's Nest Gentlemen's Club.
I am on that case.
Don't expect me to go easy on you
because you're trying to break this stupid record.
Hey, can we go back to Spoleto's "camp"?
He invited me to dinner next weekend.
Y'all think I should go?
[mouths word]
'Cause I did buy a new shirt.
[upbeat music]
*
[elevator bell dings]
- Hey, man. - Hey, what's up?
Big day coming up. What'd you get Rebecca?
- For what? - She's trying her 1,000th case.
Did you not read my newsletter, Ted's Words?
[sighs] I mean, I do the Jumble,
but I don't read all the articles.
Look, this is big, man.
You need to nail it with the perfect gift.
Okay.
Okay, well, you two are weirdly close.
You want to come with me, help me find something for her?
Yeah, but trust me, she is tough to buy for.
You need to put your shopping pants on.
We're going hard in the paint.
All right.
You will never guess who Nick is dating.
Is he dating a personal pan pizza?
'Cause that's what I want for lunch.
Carla Myers.
Ew, Carla from high school, Carla?
- Yes. - Ew.
Yes, she's evil. She hates me. She's always had it out for me.
I think she's sleeping with Nick just to spite me.
That's ridiculous, Michelle.
No, she's mean.
God, don't you remember?
Senior year, talent show.
She had everyone boo us off the stage.
- And we were pretty good. - We were good.
Five, six...
(both) Seven, eight.
(Rose Royce) * At the car wash whoa whoa whoa whoa *
And then I rub wax, and then I wax.
And then I wax, and then we go--
And--and sit.
Oh.
(Rebecca) Oh, my God.
(Michelle) Was it your back again?
No, I just...
I just saw my van.
My van just pulled out and drove down the street.
No, your van died in the desert.
No, it was murdered in the desert.
If something's murdered in the desert,
can it come back to life?
No more NyQuil. No more.
Your Honor, I just want you to know,
I'm on your team.
Between us chickens,
I sometimes don't get down every word in here,
but when I heard you might break that record,
I popped, like, six Sudafeds,
so I am ready to go.
Okay, well, that's good to know.
Ready to go!
Okay.
Your Honor, the plaintiffs live in a retirement home,
and they are suing to shut down the strip club
that opened two doors down.
On what grounds?
Well, it's a Lutheran home, and they hold daily prayer services,
and so they get the same protections as a church.
And as a church, the law says
that strip club can't operate within 1,000 feet of them.
We're good down here. Go, go, go.
Pretty straightforward, Tom.
Why don't you go ahead and call your first witness?
Uh, yes.
We call the Reverend Walter Jensen.
Oh, boy.
[groaning]
[joints popping]
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Whenever you're ready.
Yeah, no-- no, take your time.
Come on!
Uh--
[groans]
All right, touchdown.
All right, well, raise your right hand.
- Do you swear-- - Hold it.
If it's all the same to you,
I'd prefer to use my own Bible.
That's fine. Go ahead.
Criminy. It's back at the table.
(Tedward) Okay, yeah. Where is it?
Let me grab it.
No, no, it'll be quicker if I get it.
- Tedward, just get-- - I know right where it is.
There we go, there we go. There we go. Yeah.
There we go.
Here we go. That is...quick.
.
(woman) And my daughter was visiting.
Her new husband is a heart surgeon.
Oh, what is his name?
It'll--it'll come to me.
Anyway, we took them to the cafeteria,
and they were serving peas again.
Two days of peas.
Now, that's just crazy.
Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but I just asked you to state your name.
Oh, it's Mildred.
- Mm-hmm. - Mildred Belin--
Thank you, Ms. Belin.
No, no. It's Belinikowski-Friedman.
I was one of the first to hyphenate.
It's spelled
B-E-L-I-N-I-K-O-W--
Oh, that's not necessary. Thank you.
And I now see that we are out of time.
So we're gonna have to pick this up first thing tomorrow morning.
Hopefully we can get the address by lunch.
You guys...
Hey.
This is hopeless.
I'm never gonna clear that case fast enough
to get in two more by Thursday.
Hey. Yes, you can.
I believe in you.
Oh, my God. I almost forgot to tell you.
I think I saw my old van the other day.
Yeah, Michelle and I were having lunch,
and it turned left on Riverside.
Rebecca, that van was one of a kind.
Okay, and destroyed beyond repair, by the way.
I saw that van.
- Mm-hmm. - I did.
Yeah, sounds like phantom van pain.
Look, a thousand cases is a big milestone, right?
So it's natural that you would look back over your career
and the person you used to be.
The van represents that.
Hmm.
Yeah, well, I'm never gonna make that milestone now.
I had a very old, geriatric, slow-moving speed bump.
Mm, hey.
Why don't you take a shift in night court?
Tedward, that is a brilliant idea.
I can breeze through three cases, no problem.
[phone chimes] - Yeah.
Oh, man. It's Michelle.
She sounds drunk.
In a text?
Yeah.
Five wine bottles and seven sad faces.
That's like her Bat-Signal.
- Ooh. - All right, I gotta bounce.
- Okay. Bye. - I'll see you. Bye.
And I will see you...
In night court.
- Yes. - [laughs] Later.
Hey, you guys wanna catch a flick with me tonight?
I make my own caramel corn, and I sneak it in
in Tippy's Daughters of the American Revolution tote bag.
Oh, sorry, buddy.
Tedward and I are going shopping later.
I mean, you're more than welcome to join us
if you have no one else to hang out with.
What? No.
I got plenty of people to hang with.
I'll just call one of my other friends.
You know, like my friend Ross.
And, um, Monica's cool.
Chandler. God, could he be any funnier?
Right, yeah, well, you know, it's a--
If you do want to catch up later,
maybe grab a beer with us,
we'll be with Norm.
- Oh, Cliff's gonna be there. - Cliff. Cliff will be there.
- Yeah. - And Woody.
Yeah, sure. What place is this?
Cheers.
Michelle.
Get in the car.
[sighs]
What are you doing in front of Nick's house?
Do you remember when Britney Spears shaved her head
and just sat around on curbs?
That's what you look like.
Carla's in there with him probably doing it.
Michelle, I love you,
but I have to get to night court,
so you have one minute to spill.
Okay, okay.
Remember in high school I liked Kyle Peterson?
- Yeah. - And then Carla told me,
"He's never gonna date you because you're not pretty."
You're gorgeous, and Carla just said that
because she wanted to sleep with him.
Which worked,
and now she's in there doing it with Nick.
You know? She always gets what she wants.
And I hate her, and I have a plan this time
'cause I'm gonna punch her in the face.
We're grown-ups, punching is now called battery,
and they will take you to jail for it.
- Crap. - Yeah.
I know.
I know, I gotta let this go.
Mm-hmm.
I just--I want--
I just wanna sit here for a second.
Just, will you just hold me?
This is nice.
(Tedward) Gary, we've been to five stores.
We have to find something here.
I know, I know.
I-I need to find something meaningful but unconventional.
Oh, you mean like a fancy slow cooker that plays music.
Is that real, or are you just making that up?
I think I just made that up, but the technology does exist.
Oh, you know what? What about a locket?
You know, and we can put our-- put our pictures in it.
A locket?
Yeah.
What is it, 1892?
What, are you going out to sea for six months?
I don't know.
What about, like, an expensive scotch, you know?
Play it safe.
The woman has enough alcohol.
If anything, get her a bottle of water and some Advil.
[sighs]
I don't know. I'm in my head, you know?
There's a lot of pressure on this.
- Yeah. - She's hard to shop for.
I mean, if I was shopping for you,
I would know exactly what to get.
This leather jacket.
This jacket is so me.
Yeah. You know what?
Why don't you just try it on?
No, I shouldn't.
Pop this baby on. Come here.
[stammers]
Yeah, come on.
Oh.
Butter.
Yeah, it is like it was made for you.
You know, it's my 1,000th case too.
Really?
No, but look how happy it makes me.
We should find a mirror.
Wow. Rough crowd, huh?
Looks like the emergency tent at Coachella.
Yeah, don't worry, okay? I had them
crank up the sensitivity on the metal detectors.
- Mm. - Same setting they use
for The Source Awards.
Mm-hmm.
Mr. Wheeler,
you are accused of flashing a city bus.
So let's just cut to the chase.
Are you wearing any clothes under that trench coat?
- Oh. - All right, all right.
A simple "no" would have sufficed.
Guilty. Maximum probation and fine.
Yeah, okay, I got it. Hit the gym.
Well, I'm inclined to be lenient
because, let's face it, who hasn't been there?
Passed out on a fire escape in your underwear?
No? Just me?
Well, either way,
one week community service for you, sir.
Next.
Here it is, Judge.
Case 1,000.
Okay.
Oh, simple DUI.
Hmm. Some say boring.
I say it's a classic.
Mm-hmm.
Mr. Kreitz,
it says here that you blew a .18?
I've had nothing to drink tonight, Your Honor.
Yeah? Then how do you explain your Breathalyzer results?
I'm a magician and a fire breather.
No way.
I use alcohol to breathe fire,
which is why it registers on the test.
I was driving home from my show, and I got pulled over.
Oh, okay, well,
I guess the only way we're gonna find out
if you're telling the truth or not
is if you demonstrate your act for us.
- Huh? - Yeah.
- My pleasure, Your Honor. - Yeah?
[crowd chatter]
[crowd gasps and cheers]
- Aah! [fire alarm blaring]
No, no, no, no, wait.
Oh, no.
Guys!
Guys, it's just a little mist.
Please don't go. I have to close this case!
Tedward!
He was good, though.
.
All right. This is it.
- [sighs] - You gotta wrap this up today.
Otherwise, Spoleto keeps his record.
I know.
- Okay. - Good luck.
(Rebecca) All right, Tom, here's the deal.
I'm imagining the rest of your witnesses are
gonna have similar complaints about noise,
moral outrage, and overabundance of peas.
Ah, now they're also worried that
the strippers might cause a shortage of $1 bills,
so they'll have nothing to put
into their grandkids' birthday cards.
Right, so, if we let the court show
that all of your plaintiffs' complaints are logged in,
will you move on?
I think that--
Great. Defense, you're up.
Your Honor, Aphrodite's Nest is an upscale supper club.
To prove that, I'd like to call a waitress
who's worked there over a year.
- Ooh. - [chuckles]
[man whistles]
- [clears throat] - Whoo-hoo!
I got it.
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
Raise your hand and state your name, please.
Apollonia Lavender.
Apollonia Lavender?
That's--that's really your name?
- Yes, it's my only name. - Really?
- Yeah, really. - Okay.
We're gonna need some sort of birth certificate or an ID or--
Fine, fine.
Do you have some sort of legal document
saying that that's her name?
Your Honor, she's from Siberia.
It will take a few hours to get the documents telefaxed.
All right, well--telefaxed?
Jeez, you guys really did quit after the Space Race.
All right, two-hour recess.
I need those documents within that two-hour window,
not a second later.
Hey, do you want to maybe catch some lunch?
Uh, no, I'm having lunch with Mich.
Oh, cool, cool, cool, yeah.
I like to eat alone. It gives me a chance to eat...
by myself. Hey, did you want to--
Nyet.
Thank you. This is a lovely restaur...
[clears throat] Great.
Hi, yeah, can I get the, um...
Oh, you're just...
You know what, you can leave one of those.
That's...
Wow, that is empty.
[laughs]
No, I'm just--I'm dining alone,
but my choice.
[laughs]
Oh, seriously. The chairs?
Oh, so you found something?
Well, not for her, but I got something for you.
No way.
Yeah.
Dude, this is perfect.
I saw you looking at it when we were shopping.
I mean, you always talk about writing.
I figure this will be
just the nudge you need to push you in that direction.
Look, Gary, you were supposed to be buying a present for Rebecca.
What happened, man?
I don't know.
I'm kind of freaking out, Tedward.
I mean, is there something wrong with me
that I can't find a present for this woman I supposedly love?
No, man.
You could look forever
and probably never find the exact, right, perfect thing
to commemorate this huge milestone in her life.
Go, go, go.
Oh, my God, everything looks good,
and I'm starving.
Mm, I know.
Well, I wanted to treat you to lunch
to say thanks for, you know,
talking some sense into me the other day.
You were totally right,
and I have completely moved on.
That is great.
Michelle, honestly, I'm really proud of you.
You don't need to sink down to Nick's level
and get involved in some petty old feud with--
Is that Carla Myers?
What? She works here?
[gasps] She got fat.
I cannot believe you dragged me halfway across town
to come spy on her with you.
I told you, I don't want to do this petty, high school crap.
Hey...
Carla.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
Huh. I just saw Michelle.
She was lurking in the bushes outside of Nick's house.
Boy, you just couldn't wait until Nick and I broke up
to sleep with him.
Oh, is the tomato soup cream-based?
What?
What? We never get to eat at these lunches.
Well, I wouldn't eat at this restaurant.
Because if she's touched anything,
it definitely has herpes.
Okay, listen,
why don't we bury this?
Yes. That's a great idea.
Here, why don't you have a margarita on the house?
Oh, thank--aah!
Aah! Oh, my God!
- Oh, no, okay. - Bitch!
It's okay. [shushing]
Oh, listen, hey, I didn't wait
for you and Nick to break up before I slept with him.
We had sex when you were married too.
What?
- Ooh! - Oh!
What a bitch!
Yeah. Oh, my God!
- Aah! - Oh!
Oh, not today. Please.
You can't arrest me today.
Oh, no, sir, I'm serious.
Just listen to me.
Be reasonable.
Sir.
.
Rebecca, hey.
- Oh. - Oh, God, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
Gary is posting bail for me right now.
Ugh.
How did you find out about this?
Your case is coming through my office.
Are you okay? What's going on?
Between punching this person
and this whole thousandth case record--
No, that's definitely not happening now, so--
So some jerk keeps his record. Who cares?
Why is it such a big deal to you
to be the youngest person to a thousand?
Maybe I like the sound of it, okay?
I'm 45 years old.
I know, I don't look a day over 38.
All right, but when's the next time
I get to be youngest anything anymore?
All right, I'm affected by that too.
You know, my hair is naturally gray.
- Really? - All of it.
- Everywhere. - Okay, I got it.
- I dye it from my head down-- - I get it.
- Okay. - You know.
It's hard, right?
Well, they make a special dye for your sensitive areas.
No, I mean one day you're young,
driving around a cool van, questioning authority.
The next day, you are the authority, the van's gone,
and you find yourself wandering around a CVS
admiring shower stools, thinking,
"Hey, that's actually a really good idea."
Hey, you know what?
The way I see this case-- total self-defense, right?
Michelle's life was in danger,
and Carla was reaching across the table
trying to grab the corkscrew, and you stepped in.
Right? They have no case.
Tom, are you gonna make this case go away for me?
Let's just--okay, maybe a little quieter with that
in the police station.
Wow. That's really nice.
Hey, wait.
Am I the first person that you've revealed this to?
Yeah, why?
Seems like the kind of thing that you would tell a friend.
Like, you're my friend, and I'm your friend,
and we are friends.
- Well, yeah, but-- - Let's leave it at that.
We've come to--let's agree to agree that we're friends.
Judge, you still got 20 minutes to beat this record.
No, it's over. It just wasn't meant to be.
[knocks] Rebecca?
Sounds like you had quite a lunch.
- Ay-yi-yi. - Oh.
Unfortunately, your stripper case will have to be continued.
The one fax machine in Siberia is down until Monday.
Oh, man. What a crap day.
Well, I'm just gonna go home.
- Yeah, looks good. - Thank you.
Actually, I need you to cover a case for me.
My wife has come down with something,
and I--I gotta go.
All right, but don't blame me if I go tough on him.
I was in solitary.
It was a private holding area, 'cause you're a judge.
You don't know what I've seen.
I've changed.
Mr. Brock is here for committing fraud
against Mastro's Steakhouse.
Tom?
Yes, uh, he allegedly ordered the seafood tower,
two bottles of wine, two steaks with all the sides,
and the pecan pie,
and then he tried to leave without paying.
A dine and dash?
Dine and dash.
We actually might be able to get through this
pretty quickly.
Uh, is it a strong case?
40 witnesses in the restaurant.
Instagram photos of him with the seafood tower,
and he was arrested at the valet.
- Allegedly. - Tedward, can we do this?
We got four minutes. We can do this.
- Tom? - I'm in.
Opening statement.
He ate. He didn't pay. He left. Done.
- Oh, and the defense? - Your Honor, I--
- Objection. - On what grounds?
- We get it. - Sustained.
All right, the prosecution would like to call Mr. Brock
to the stand.
All up here to the stands.
[claps] You got two minutes!
[overlapping chatter] - Come on, come on, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, whole truth, nothing but the truth.
He's good. You got it?
All right, that was a lot of food to eat.
Were you there with someone else?
Yes, I was on a date. Why are you talking so fast?
Did you order the food, did you eat the food,
did you pay for the food, did you intend to pay
for the food, did you leave without paying for the food?
Yes--no. I don't know. What is happening?
Think I got a confession in there.
- Prosecution rests. - Tedward?
- 30 seconds, Your Honor. - All right, Mr. Brock.
How about you pay back the restaurant and I give you
6 months' probation?
- That sounds good. - No. he doesn't agree.
Too late.
And, Mr. Brock, don't ever lie to impress a girl.
If she needs all that, she's just not that into you.
- Court adjourned. - Time.
[gasps] I made it?
Congratulations, Your Honor!
[all cheering]
1,000. 1,000.
- Uh! - Yes!
[whistles]
Whoo!
[whistles]
What? Sir, what are you doing here?
I thought your wife was sick.
Well, I did what I had to do to see that justice was served.
If you didn't break that record, it would have been a crime.
I've got something for you.
Oh, no, no, no. Sir, I couldn't.
You need that to trade with.
[laughs]
I didn't always wear bolos.
I got this from Judge Carlton when I hit a thousand cases,
and I've been wearing them ever since.
Judge Rebecca Wright, I want you to have this.
Thank you, sir, very much.
I know part of the reason you gave me this is
so I won't make fun of them anymore,
but I'm gonna continue to make fun of them.
Congratulations.
Thank you, sir. Feels good.
- Okay, hey. - Yes?
Tedward and I have a gift for you.
- You do? - Yeah, you ready?
Sounds a little dirty but, yeah, okay.
- Where are you guys going? - Cover your eyes.
- Wait, where are we going? - Come on.
- Okay, right out here. - Yeah.
- Careful, take a step down. - Okay.
There you go, over here.
- Don't peek. - All right.
Okay?
What are you going to do to me?
Ready--one, two, three.
No.
How?
[gasps]
Am I dead?
We saw the same van you saw, and we chased it down
because we are awesome.
But turns out, the guy who airbrushed yours made two.
Yeah, one for himself and one for his desert queen,
who had a gambling problem.
- I love you, Gary. - I love you too.
- [chuckles] - Congratulations, Judge Wright.
- Tedward, thank you. - You're welcome, Judge.
- Oh. - I love you.
Oh, Judy. Oh.
- [sighs] - Here you go.
[laughs]
[engine starts]
[musical ringtone]
[groans]
(Audra Mae and the Almighty Sound) * I'm bored of these pills
Oh, okay. Yes.
* Across town just to sit still *
* I'm going my way
* I'm gonna let loose
* No, I don't care
* Letting down my hair
* Letting go of my balloon
* Well, I'll follow this road
All rise.
The Honorable Rebecca Wright.
Judge presiding.
[clears throat]
[sighs]
Be seated.
[crowd cheers]