Hey, Liv. Hey, check you out. My girlfriend's a super hero.
Hey.
Skyvolt! Thank goodness you're here. An evil lurks in the cafeteria.
Liver nuggets!
Okay, well, sorry, Aubrey.
I'm not exactly in super hero mode right now.
I actually just popped over from set to pick up my homework.
But, I mean, let's be honest.
A cape really helps you make an entrance.
Also helps you make an exit.
Skyvolt,
an evil lurks in the cafeteria only you can fight.
Yeah, heard. It's them liver nuggets. [LAUGHS]
Liv, honey, thank goodness you're here...
[ANGRILY] I cannot do anything about these liver nuggets!
Okay. Okay.
The music program's budget is being cut in half.
-What? -Mmm-hmm.
No!
You have to save music, Mrs. Rooney.
Well, I am working on it.
I am planning fund raisers. I'm even gonna have a concert.
A local sponsor will match every dollar that we raise.
Wow. Who's playing at the concert?
Well, I was hoping that The Dream could play.
Now, I know the band broke up when Andie and Holden broke up.
Which maybe I shouldn't have even mentioned.
[LAUGHS] It's cool. I'm with Dump Truck now.
-And I'm with Liv. -And I'm with Joey...
whether he acknowledges it or not.
I mean...
Guys, what do you say?
Do you wanna get The Dream back together?
-Yes! -Let's do it!
Great! So it's this Saturday night.
-Oh, no. Saturday? -Yeah.
You guys, I can't. I'm-- I'm so sorry.
I'm shooting Voltage all weekend.
[BREATHLESS] Skyvolt!
The liver nuggets have mutated. We need you now more than ever.
What the heck. Let's save lunch!
♪ Better in stereo ♪
♪ B-- B-- Better in stereo ♪
-♪ I'm up with the sunshine ♪ -♪ Let's go ♪
-♪ I lace up my high tops ♪ -♪ Oh no ♪
♪ Slam dunk, ready or not ♪
♪ Yeah, show me what you got ♪
-♪ I'm under the spotlight ♪ -♪ Holler ♪
♪ I dare you, come on and follow ♪
♪ You dance to your own beat ♪
♪ I'll sing the melody ♪
♪ When you say yea-ah-ah ♪
♪ I say no-oh-oh ♪
♪ When you say stop ♪
♪ All I want to do is go, go, go ♪
♪ You, you, the other half of me, me ♪
♪ The half I'll never be-e ♪
♪ The half that drives me crazy ♪
♪ You, you, the better half of me, me ♪
♪ The half I'll always ne-ed ♪
♪ But we both know ♪
♪ We're better in stereo ♪
Hey, Mom, do you have a minute to talk?
So I just got a letter from Notre Dame,
and they offered me a basketball scholarship.
So that makes five schools now that have made me offers.
-Five? Can you...? -Yeah.
-Just give me a second. -Yeah.
♪ My baby's going to college for free ♪
Wooh!
So, that's exciting news.
[SNORTS] Ah.
Yeah, and it's exciting to have so many schools interested in me. Um...
I don't know. I just need your help choosing.
Well, what are you thinking?
[CLICKS TONGUE] I've just always had my heart set on
Southern California State University,
and none of these schools are giving me that same feeling of excitement.
Honey, I know that you're disappointed
that SCSU didn't offer you a scholarship, but you...
You still have some great choices.
Yeah.
So let Mama help you decide
by taking you...
on a little trip...
to the future.
So in this therapeutic role-play,
I will be future you after you've chosen a school.
[CLEARS THROAT]
'Sup?
Pick a school, son.
Okay. Uh.
Maybe let's try UConn.
'Sup?
So, like, I totally went to UConn.
And, uh, after retiring from pro ball... [SNORTS AND LAUGHS]
I stopped visiting my mom in Wisconsin, and she died alone.
-A-bam! What? -Mom.
Mom, I don't say, "Bam. What?" after everything.
But in the future, you do. It's a problem.
Help fund the music department by competing in Paws On A Porcupine!
The student who keeps his paw on Paulie the longest STYLE ::cue()
wins this... mystery prize.
Oooh.
This competition is generously sponsored by Beef McGravy's.
"It's the place to go when you want beef and gra... and gravy."
Sounds dumb. Won't catch me doing that.
Okay, but I guess you won't win
the Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard.
Did you just say Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard?
Mom had this bad boy delivered to the house.
She hid it in the hamper
where I happened to already be hiding.
I have to put it back now.
It's gotta be the mystery prize.
Okay, okay! Then let's do it!
Because if one of us wins the Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard,
we both win the Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard.
Correction.
It will be I who wins the Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard. [LAUGHS]
Eavesdropping-pays-off-again burn.
All right, contestants,
if your paw leaves Paulie, you're out.
Last competitor standing wins.
Paws up...
And go!
The Rooney brothers will destroy you, Artie.
It's nothing personal.
It's just that we despise you.
Your rage empowers me.
Nothing can distract me now.
-Hey, guys! -[WEAKLY] Except her.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] You're out.
Bless you, Taylor.
You're one self-sacrifice closer to minion of the month.
Um, okay. So has anybody seen Willow?
Because they changed my Voltage schedule,
and now I can do the concert!
Yeah, I think I saw her in the gym.
Thank you,
and, boys, good luck with the contest.
Perhaps a kiss for luck, milady?
I mean...
Yeah, why not?
You can kiss minion of the month goodbye.
[WHISPERS] Just leave.
♪ When we hear the bass We'll be losing our minds ♪
-♪ Say hey! ♪ -♪ First one up ♪
♪ Our song is the one that goes like ♪
ALL: ♪ Say hey, hey... ♪
ALL [GUILTILY]: Hey, Liv...
[DRUMS CLANGING]
Hey.
Are you guys replacing me?
No. No, no, no. We're not replacing you.
We're looking for someone to replace you.
Uh, that did not come out right.
You kicked me out of the band, and you didn't even tell me?
Liv, Aubrey's just here for an audition.
All right? We were looking for somebody to sing with us on Saturday
because you said that you couldn't.
Yeah, and if we couldn't find anyone
we figured we wouldn't have to bring it up at all.
-Wha...? -Still did not come out right.
You know what? You're right, Liv.
We should have told you what we were doing.
I feel like a real jerk-face.
♪ I'm a jerk-face, I was wrong ♪
♪ I dance for you and sing this song ♪
♪ Jerk-face, jerk-face ♪
♪ Jerk-face ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Wow, wow. What? What was that?
The Gustamante Jerk-face song.
It's how my brothers and I apologize to each other.
The stupider you look, the more sorry you are.
I'm super sorry.
We're all super sorry.
Holden, you know you're not supposed to keep secrets from me.
I mean, it wasn't a secret, per se.
Right? It was more of a... delay of information.
Yeah, like how you didn't tell Andie right away
that Holden broke up with her because he was really into you.
What?
Unless you never told Andie that, in which case...
One, two, three, four, five, six! Hey, hey, hey!
Willow, Willow, Willow, stop. Andie, just let me explain.
It's pretty clear.
Holden dumped me for my friend,
who didn't have the decency to tell me about it.
No, Andie. That's not... Andie!
I feel horrible.
Now's probably not the right time,
but I just wanted to say that I can play bass, too.
Just... putting it out there. STYLE ::cue()
We're into hour six
of Paws On A Porcupine sponsored by Beef McGravy's.
"Come for the beef, stay for the gravy."
It's time to thin the herd.
Taylor, onion.
[CRUNCH]
[EXHALES]
[CROWD GROANS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
You two are out!
Bleh.
Artie, using onion breath to eliminate a competitor.
That's devious.
It's Newton's Third Law.
For every action, there's an equal reaction.
Uh, an equal and opposite reaction.
Hush while the grownups are talking, child.
Newton said no such thing.
Are you kidding me? Watch.
Action, opposite reaction.
You're out!
What? No!
[MOCKINGLY] Thanks for the science lesson, youngling'.
-Hey, Mom. Is Dad here yet? -Oh, no, but you know who is?
Future Maddie as a Syracuse Orange.
'Sup?
Mom, you're not gonna die alone.
Joey is never leaving.
[EXHALES]
I know.
Dad's home!
Welcome home, sweetheart.
Dad! I am so happy to see you.
And I am glad to see you, because...
as the head coach of the University of Wisconsin Beloit,
it is my pleasure to offer you a basketball scholarship.
[IN A SURPRISED VOICE] What? Dad!
Oh, this is so great!
How'd you like to play for your dad again?
Now, now. She doesn't have to decide right now.
She has five other offers, and this is a big decision.
Right, yeah. Um.
Yeah, actually, Dad, I've been having a really hard time choosing.
Do you think that maybe we could talk about what school might be best for me?
Oh.
I can't talk to you about other schools. It would be a conflict of interest.
But, you know, maybe you should talk to your mom about it.
[GASPS]
I'll need a Beloit hat for this!
[PANICKED] We have got to talk to Andie.
I mean, she thinks that we're horrible people.
Are we horrible people?
-No, we... -I always thought we were the good guys,
but that is probably exactly what the bad guys think.
-You know, we're not... -Oh!
I'm a super villain.
Okay.
Holden, breath.
I mean, you know, Willow said that Andie calmed down, right?
[WILLOW GRUNTING]
Let me go!
Willow, what did you kidnap her?
Who cares? She's here now. Let's talk.
Wha...?
-I'm out of here. -Wait, wait, wait, just let me explain.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Fine. Make it quick.
Okay.
I liked Holden...
but I backed off when you asked him to prom.
And yes, he did break up with you because he liked me,
but I told him I wasn't gonna go out with him, repeatedly.
That's what happened. I was there.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Andie, I would never betray your friendship.
The only reason that we're finally going out
is because you suggested it.
-But you should have told me. -I know. I know I should have told you,
but you were hurting
and I just thought that this would have made it so much worse.
And if it helps at all...
-It does not. -Okay.
I am so sorry, Andie.
I should have told you sooner. Your friendship means so much to me.
I appreciate your honesty.
I just don't know how I'm gonna get over all this.
Ah, no, totally. I get it.
I mean, I was a real... jerk-face.
♪ I'm a jerk-face, I was wrong ♪
♪ I dance for you, I sing this song ♪
♪ Jerk-face, ah Jerk-face, ah ♪
♪ Jerk-face ♪
[GASPS]
Second verse, same as the first but Holden style, much, much worse.
♪ I'm a jerk-face, I was wrong ♪
♪ I dance for you and sing this song ♪
♪ Jerk-face, ah Jerk-face, ah ♪
♪ Jerk-face Yeah ♪
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
[LAUGHS] That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
You guys must be really sorry.
Are we good?
-We're good. [ALL SIGH IN RELIEF]
HOLDEN: Ha. -Yes! The Dream lives!
Let's go rehearse.
Hold on! A certain kidnapper owes me a jerk-face dance.
Oh, oh.
[LAUGHS]
[IN A SERIOUS VOICE] Willow doesn't jerk-face.
-Okay. -Okay. STYLE ::cue()
-Here we go. -Yeah.
Hey.
Aren't you supposed to be at the Paws On A Porcupine thing?
Yeah. I just stopped by to get snacks. I think Joey might win.
Wow. [CHUCKLES]
That's a sentence I have never heard before.
Right?
So, uh, what's with the hats?
These are the hats of the places that have offered me scholarships.
Yeah. I'm just... I'm sort of struggling with which one to pick.
Well, you'd look good in the orange one.
Thank you, but that's not what this is about. Um.
I just, I'm having a hard time picking a school,
and Dad has made it infinitely more complicated
by offering me the scholarship to Beloit.
Well, how does that make it more complicated?
I don't know. Because playing for Dad sounds like it would be super fun.
I've just, I haven't been excited about playing anywhere other than SCSU.
Great, so tell Dad that you'll play for Beloit.
No. It's not great.
This is the biggest decision that I've ever had to make, and...
What if I'm just letting my heart talk and not my head?
Yeah. You're confusing me?
Uh, this, uh touchy-feely stuff
is too touchy and too feely, so...
See you.
Parker, not sure how much more of this I can take.
We're 18 hours in, and there's no end in sight.
Ref, is slapping a contestant against the rules?
I don't think so.
Thank you.
Minions, slap me.
You're out!
I can't even look at the two of you.
Artie...
I'm so tired right now. I can't even despise you.
Let's make a deal.
I'm listening...
Sort of. I'm delirious.
We'll share custody of the Geohawk Free-Hands Electric Skateboard.
-Deal. [JOEY LAUGHS]
Fine, and seal it with a promissory oath.
Parker, will you administer, please.
Artie, repeat after me.
I, Artie Smalls...
Have just taken my hand off Paulie.
[GASPS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS] You're out!
JOEY: Ha, ha! -[CRYING] No!
BOTH: Rooney-brothers-beat-you burn.
We have a winner!
Oh, please. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Congratulations, Joey.
You have just won...
BOTH: The Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard!
What? No, that's not the prize.
-What? -Well,
why else would you have a Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard?
To show all the kids that I'm down with their sick rides.
So, what is the prize?
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Oop.
It is a certificate for a college counseling lunch
with Vice Principal Rooney at Beef McGravy's.
"Where you major in beef and minor in gravy."
BOTH [SCREAMNG]: No!
Hey, Dad.
Can I talk to you for a second?
It's not about college or basketball or anything.
Its... Actually, it's about, um...
A cow.
Nothing in the rules against talking about a cow.
Right, so... So there's this cow.
Uh, and she's trying to choose a... meadow.
Um, and-- And, you know, there are a lot of really...
great meadows, but there's only one that's making her feel excited.
Okay, so-- So, what's this cow like about this particular...
...meadow?
Well, there's this farmer there
who taught her how to eat grass when she was a calf.
Um...
And...
the problem is, she just, she can't tell if...
she likes the meadow because she loves her farmer...
or, you know, because it's the right meadow for her.
Well, you should tell your...
...cow
as long as you give each meadow serious consideration...
the emotional choice can still be the right choice. STYLE ::cue()
Yeah. Got it.
Also...
tell that cow...
no matter what,
the farmer's always gonna love her...
and support whatever decision she makes.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm choosing Beloit.
I wanna play basketball for you.
Yes!
I thought that's what we were talking about, but I wasn't sure!
[PETE SQUEALING] -Yeah!
[LAUGHING] Oh.
'Sup? Ha, ha, ha.
-I'm going to Beloit! -Yeah!
I am proud to say, the music program has been saved!
[CHEERING]
Thanks to our generous sponsor, Beef McGravy's,
"where the beef is boffo, and the gravy..."
You know what? We reached our goal. I am not doing this. Okay.
Put your hands together for... The Dream.
[CHEERING]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh- oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ You missed the bus And rain is pouring down ♪
♪ So you dance in the puddles ♪
♪ It's been uphill forever it seems now ♪
♪ Any day you'll be at the top
♪ No one told you that The story of your life ♪
♪ Would have chapters That would force you to cry ♪
♪ Every ending is a new beginning ♪
-♪ Battle through the hard times ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Be grateful for the good ones ♪
♪ Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
-♪ Every time you fall down ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Just sing in the key of life
♪ Oh-oh-oh- oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh- oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ You're never out of tune If you sing in the key of life
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, Joey,
we need to schedule our lunch.
Mom, why aren't you on your Geohawk Hands-Free Electric Skateboard
instead of using your stupid feet?
No, no.
I nearly broke my neck trying to ride that thing.
I sold it online.
Hello, Rooneys. [LAUGHS]
Have fun using your stupid feet.
[CHUCKLES]
Minions, we glide.