You nervous?
I got you surrounded.
If I roll a nine or a six, it's over.
Do you need some tissue in case you start crying when you lose?
You gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?
[RATTLING]
When I first moved to Hollywood,
my little brother Parker was 6 and still wore footsie choo-choo train pajamas.
[CHUCKLES]
He's grown up a lot since then.
Yes! A five!
Monkey bubble time! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
[MADDIE MIMICS EXPLOSION]
My sister Maddie, not so much.
We're playing a board game we invented while you were in Hollywood.
It's a mash-up between I Rule the World and Stack It and Smack It.
We call it I Smack Your World.
BOTH: Two, four, six! [HOLLER]
Smack it!
I mean, the two of them have had four years together
to make up games and build forts and play in dirt.
But now it is time for me to do all those things with Parker.
[SQUEALS]
You know, minus the games, forts, and dirt part.
MADDIE: You wanna play? LIV: Sure, yeah.
Um, do I require a helmet?
A helmet? Come on, Hollywood.
Join us in the real world, where we like a little smack in the head.
Yeah, this game actually gets really intense.
Mom banned us from playing in the living room
because one time Parker rolled a 10,
and on his ninth cartwheel, knocked over great gram's urn.
But her memory still lives on, in the dirt vac.
Huh. So I missed out on getting to know Parker,
and I think I might have missed a funeral.
[GIGGLES]
I thought great gram was still with us.
Oops.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ Better in stereo ♪ Better in stereo ♪
♪ I'm up with the sunshine Let's go ♪
♪ I lace up my high tops Oh, no ♪
♪ Slam dunk Ready or not ♪
♪ Yeah, show me what you got ♪
♪ I'm under the spotlight Holler ♪
♪ I dare you, come on and follow ♪
♪ You dance to your own beat I'll sing the melody ♪
♪ When you say yeah I say no ♪
♪ When you say stop All I wanna do is go, go, go ♪
♪ You, you, the other half of me, me The half I'll never be ♪
♪ The half that drives me crazy ♪
♪ You, you, the better half of me, me The half I'll always need ♪
♪ But we both know We're better in stereo ♪
All right, Karen, tonight's the last night the Pastrami Palace is open. You ready?
What's wrong?
[NASALLY] Hi, honey.
I'm trying to loosen my phlegm, so we can go, but I am so sick.
[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, I was sick.
Sick of that Pastrami Palace.
We've been there four times since he found out it was closing.
So I faked a little flu to get out of going.
See, a big part of a healthy marriage is strategic lying.
[NASALLY] I'd suck it up,
but I'd hate to ruin your night of pastrami.
[NORMAL VOICE] I'd hate to ruin my night
of six episodes of Downton Abbey.
[SHARPLY INHALES]
[BRITISH ACCENT] But I love you, Mr. Bates.
Hey, Liv.
Wanna come with me and eat your weight in pastrami?
Oh, ha-ha. I would love to, but I just had pastrami, like, three years ago.
All right. I guess I'll just have to eat enough for everybody.
Um, use the downstairs bathroom when you get home.
[SIREN WAILING ON TV]
Joey, it's Friday night. What are you doing sitting around?
You should be out with your friends.
[TIRES SCREECHING ON TV]
[CHUCKLES] Dad, I am with 12 of my friends right now.
Playing Wheels of Anger 6: I Just Stole Your Car.
No, yeah one second, Harold.
I got a P.O.S.
Parent over shoulder.
[TIRES SCREECH] [CLICKS OFF]
Oh, Dad!
Listen, Joey, when I was your age,
there was no way you would have caught me at home on a Friday night.
I'd have been out having fun.
I'm fun.
Sure you are, Dad.
And I'm super athletic and super smooth with the ladies.
Listen, I'm headed out to my old high school hangout the Pastrami Palace.
Why don't you come with me, and I'll show you some real fun?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Dad, there is absolutely nothing that could happen
to make me want to do that. STYLE ::cue()
WILLOW: Hi, Joey. -[SCREAMS, CLEARS THROAT]
I'm here to study with Maddie, but I wore new body spray in case I saw you.
Take a whiff!
It's okay, Willow. I can smell it from here.
I'm just gotta bolt, though.
I have a date with my dad and fun.
[LAUGHS] So much fun.
I think I'm too shy.
Sorry about that cold, mom.
You know, you need some chicken soup and, uh, acting lessons.
Dad might believe you're really sick,
but, one actress to another, you are no actress.
I'm so relieved.
I didn't wanna have to pretend to be sick all night.
Your dad's out. Parker's leaving for a sleepover with his karate buddies.
That means I've got a date with [ENGLISH ACCENT] Downton Abbey.
[NORMAL VOICE] Do not interrupt except for fire.
PARKER: Mom!
Ready for the sleepover?
[NASALLY] Yup, I got you packed up and ready to go.
Uh, go where? The sleepover's here.
Oh, no, no, no, Parker. I've got it marked on the calendar.
Your sleepover is at our house.
You forgot? My dojo bros are coming any minute.
This party has to be epic. I need playground buzz at school.
"Playground buzz"?
Look, I need kids to be talking about this at recess,
so I get invited to other parties.
Parker, I'm gonna chaperone your party!
PARKER & KAREN: You are?
Yeah. I mean, Mom is way too sick to do it.
[COUGHS] I am. I am so sick. I am so sick.
-Thanks, Liv. LIV: Yeah. Oh! Wait, Mom.
Don't forget this.
And remember, do not use these tissues too quickly
or else you'll get a brain freeze.
[CHUCKLES]
[SQUEALS, GIGGLES]
Just remember, the entire future of my social life is riding on this night.
[DOORBELL RINGS] They're here!
[CHEERING]
Come on in, guys.
This is my sister Liv.
Liv, this is Cooper, Isaac, Kalden, Jack, Richie and Steve.
Oh, and that's Evan. He's a year younger, but he's cool.
Come on, guys. Party starts upstairs.
[BOYS WHOOPING, CHEERING]
Have fun. [GIGGLES]
Hi, I'm Evan! My mom wants proof that I was well-behaved.
Can you initial the box that says "greeted the host of party politely"?
Evan. [CHUCKLES] You just said hi. It's not like you brought me flowers.
[LAUGHS]
I'm messing with you. Ha-ha-ha. Of course, I'll sign.
Is this your first time at a sleepover?
Because I am sure you will do great.
Me too!
I have tons of self-confidence because that's an important part of character.
Well, you certainly are a character.
Thanks. Mind putting that in the additional comment section?
Oh, and this is my mom's phone number, in case there's any kind of emergency.
I really don't think that's gonna happen.
Really?
I was hoping things would get nuts, and I'd end up in a cast or something.
-Evan, you don't get out much, do you? EVAN: Never.
[BOYS HOLLERING]
What was that?
Is that what fun sounds like?
[LAUGHS] I don't know.
[CHANTING] Do it! Do it! Do it!
[CRASHING]
[CHEERING]
And that's how you start a party.
[LAUGHS]
Hey.
Seriously? Books already?
How about a quick game of one on one before we start?
Maddie, we gotta get this History assignment done. It's half our grade.
And Willow don't flunk!
Willow, relax.
You know I work best when I put everything off until the last minute.
I mean, how bad can this be? It's the French Revolution.
I saw Les Mis.
Did you even look at the assignment?
Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]
"I heart Joey. Mrs. Willow Rooney. Willow Rooney..."
Wrong notebook.
"Write a page report."
What? Willow, we can't do this all in one night!
Why put this off until the last second?
You know this is half our grade!
"Or you may submit a visual representation of the era."
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-Oh, yeah. We build a giant baguette! MADDIE: Guillotine!
Guillotine's better. We'll use it to slice our baguette.
BOTH: Yes!
[GRUNTS]
So, uh, quick game of one on one before we start?
WILLOW: Madison! MADDIE: Fine. STYLE ::cue()
[CLICKING]
Oh, come on!
We're hanging and having fun.
Life doesn't happen on a video screen.
[SIREN BLARES]
Oh man!
Any chance I can get my phone back?
I like to post a picture of you
getting a ticket for texting while driving.
[PETE SIGHS]
Say, "Pastrami." [CAMERA CLICKS]
[BOYS SHOUTING]
[TOY GUNS CLICKING]
Cease fire!
Cease fire.
PARKER: Everyone having fun? ALL: Yeah.
We're definitely gonna be talking about this on Monday.
Remember your favorite anecdotes.
Are you kidding? This party rocks. I never get to do this.
Use fun blasters inside?
No, stay up past 7:30!
Oh, Mom, you made snacks for us?
Oh. For you.
I thought you were too sick.
[SNEEZES]
Oh, no. It's all contaminated.
I'll have to throw this out in the garbage can in my room.
Liv, where are you?
My sister says she has a surprise for us.
No spoilers from me, but let's just say she's friends with the Rock.
His movies are not age appropriate for me.
Okay, I have got something totally...
♪ Coolsies for you guys ♪
Everyone get in a circle and sit crisscross applesauce.
Tell me she did not just say, "Crisscross applesauce."
You're all going to love this,
and I know that because dinosaurs have always been Parker's favorite.
[CAWS]
She's choking!
My mom prepared me for this. I'll give her the Heimlich.
Oh. Evan, honey, I'm not choking.
That is just my pterodactyl impression.
It would have been better if she was choking.
Who is ready for some duck, duck...
♪ Dinosaur ♪
Duck.
Dinosaur! Whoo! [LAUGHING]
Yes! [LAUGHS]
Whoo. Come on. Get up and chase me.
[LAUGHS]
Catch me!
Whoo!
Dude, even my mom would think this was lame.
Come on, guys. Let's go eat something without washing our hands.
Where are you going?
-Duck, duck, dinosaur? LIV: Yeah.
Liv, what were you thinking?
I thought you loved this game.
When I was 6!
Way to embarrass me in front of my karate buddies.
You're killing my playground buzz.
Parker...
[HORN HONKS]
Beat it, Terry. It's not happening.
[HORN HONKS SADLY]
[BOTH LAUGH]
We rocked this guillotine!
Who knew carpentry camp would pay off, right?
You ready to get your slice on? Bring out the prisoner!
[FRENCH ACCENT] Baguette, for crimes against the state,
having too many carbs, and fraternizing with the American cheese,
I condemn you!
WILLOW: Oh! [LAUGHS]
Maddie, I need your help.
So how's the sleepover going? Are you and Parker buds yet?
Hardly. I tried playing duck, duck, dinosaur,
and it was a disaster of Jurassic proportions.
Yeah, Liv, he kind of grew out of dinosaurs in the first grade.
That's interesting. What was Joey like in the first grade?
Smaller head, same glasses.
So then, I made fish sticks for them,
the really cool ones that are shaped like racecars?
I even made ketchup headlights.
He used to love ketchup art.
Uh, Liv, those have been sitting in the freezer
since he was in third grade.
Well, now they're sitting in my stomach.
I ate one to show they were good,
and then, I ate the rest because they are so good.
Maddie, cool if I guillotine your Math book?
Yeah, sure Willow, whatever.
Liv, why are you doing all these little kid things?
This is a 10-year-old sleepover.
Well, because those are the things that Parker and I liked to do together
before I left for Hollywood.
That was a really long time ago. I mean...
You just need to find things he likes doing now.
Okay, well, then, what do 10-year-old boys like to do?
Uh, they like to smash things. They're incredibly immature.
Yeah!
What's the cosine of that, trigonometry? [LAUGHS] STYLE ::cue()
Just like some 16-year-old girls.
Let me do the talking.
Ooh, here's a tip, if he's carrying a boom box, he is not a real cop.
I learned that the hard way.
Sir, it's illegal to text and drive.
I wasn't texting. My son was texting, Officer Clarkson.
Mike Clarkson?
Pete Rooney, is that you?
What is happening?
Mike and I were buddies in high school.
When he wasn't off winning state championships in basketball.
Your Dad, one of the coolest guys in high school.
How many guys were in this high school?
I'm not gonna write you up, Pete.
I believe you weren't texting and driving
because you never could do two things at once, right?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Thanks, pal.
Hey, you know what? We're headed out to the Pastrami Palace.
The Palace? No way!
Hey, let me clock out for dinner early. I'll drive you over there myself.
How would you like to ride in a real cop car there, little buddy?
Little buddy?
I will have you know I have three chest hairs, sir.
Did you ever get dragged to a party you didn't want to go to,
then, ended up having a great time?
This was not one of those situations.
Come on, Joey. Lighten up. This is fun.
Attention, Car 591,
I'd like to report a teenage boy having the night of his life, over.
I wish this was over.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Car 591, dispatch.
We have a 10-99 in progress. Red sedan headed west on Route 20.
-Whoa. 10-99. That means a stolen car. MIKE: How do you know that?
Oh, I play a lot of Wheels of Anger.
I hate that game.
Why, because it glorifies crime?
Nope. Because I can't get past level three.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh! Oh! That's a red sedan. That's our perp.
Light them up, Mike. Light them up!
[SIREN BLARES]
WOMAN ON RADIO: Car 591, dispatch. Air support's en route.
He's evading. He's evading.
Oh yeah, he's evading. That is 12,000 bonus points.
Car 591, we are in hot pursuit.
I told you we'd have fun!
[LAUGHING] This is awesome!
Oh, turning left. He's turning left.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, air support is closing in.
Run, buddy, run!
Hey.
I'm sorry. I have never played this game as the cop before.
Come on, guys. We can still have fun.
Pizza and orange juice. Delicious separately.
But who wants to see how they taste together?
[KIDS BOOING]
Okay, I know we weren't all fans of duck, duck, dinosaur,
but there is something waiting for you outside
that is going to blow your 10-year-old minds.
I'm 9.
Just come outside.
Okay, but if there's someone out there in an Elmo suit, I'm gonna lose it!
[SQUEALS]
Terry, cue my jam.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoa, what did you do?
It's Liv Rooney's karate watermelon...
♪ Smash-a-thon ♪
Dojo bros, attack.
Go, Parker!
[CHEERING]
Come on, smash it!
[CHEERING]
Whoo!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Whoo!
Hiya! This is so awesome!
Do you hear that, Liv?
That's what playground buzz sounds like.
[SQUEALS]
What I heard was a big sister finally bonding with her little brother.
I also heard Terry the Clown laying down some sick beats.
[BEATBOXING]
KIDS: Whoo! Parker!
PARKER: Ya! BOYS: Yeah!
[KIDS GROAN]
And that's when those racecar fish sticks roared right out of me.
[RETCHES]
ALL: Ew.
[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]
We've been chasing this dirtbag for, like, 50 miles.
How often does this happen?
Just another day in the life of a cop.
You've never done this before, have you, Mike?
No. [CHUCKLES]
This is so awesome!
Oh, he's stopping.
Oh, you got him. Box him in, Mikey. Box him in. STYLE ::cue()
You guys stay in here while I track him down.
But... Take some pictures of me in action?
This never happens.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Sorry, buddy. Looks like we're not gonna make it to the Pastrami Palace.
Sorry? Are you kidding me? This is the greatest night of my life.
Dad, you are so right. Life doesn't happen on a video screen.
I got my boy off the couch and showed him that life could be pretty exciting.
It was a good night.
This is not the kind of sandwich I had in mind.
Sorry, Pete.
But I gotta take these dirtbags back to the station for processing.
Officer Mike, how slowly can you drive?
You really need to hydrate, honey. You lost a lot of fluid, and solids.
Mom, I'm fine. I just...
Tonight was a complete disaster.
Oh no, sweetie. I got to watch four episodes of... Oh, for you.
I mean, that's what I get for being away for so long.
I just really wanted Parker to see me as his cool older sister,
and instead, I am a girl who can't hold her fish sticks.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Parker, I'm really sorry I ruined your party.
Are you kidding?
Between blasting watermelons,
you spewing like a volcano, and that clown's sweet tunes,
I'm gonna have more playground buzz than Stevie Hudacky's sleepover.
Wait, so the boys like the party?
Check it out.
[KIDS LAUGHING]
Ooh, I'm a big Hollywood actress.
Oh! You hit me in the belly with the melon.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
[RETCHES]
[CHUCKLES]
I'll never forget this night.
Thanks, Liv. It's so great to have you back.
Hey.
If you really want playground buzz,
I am pretty sure I saw a possum eating my puddle of barf in the backyard.
[LAUGHS]
Come on, boys, the show's not over.
[CHEERING]
Willow, this is gonna work great.
I'm so glad we found this in the Halloween stuff.
WILLOW: I also found this gem.
Ohh!
Let them eat cake! [LAUGHS]
You ready to do this?
Let's crank it to its highest notch and see what this baby can really do.
♪ Drop it like it's hot ♪
[LAUGHS]
[SCREAMING]
Zee head! I want zee head!
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
I love your family, Mrs. Rooney.
Oh, thank you, Evan. That is so sweet.