I was sheriff of this county when I was 25.
Hard to believe.
Grandfather was a sheriff. Father, too.
Ranchers all.
Working the land through times flush and fallow.
There's a natural order to things.
We know it in our bones.
Jesus was a man, not some bearded lady.
And just as water flows downhill,
a husband is head of his household.
Under him, the woman abides.
She holds her virtue close
until that matrimonial threshold is crossed,
and then she opens to him,
as the flower opens to the sun.
And in exchange,
the man shelters and protects his female,
as the sword has its sheath.
Okay, but what I'm saying is, you...
No. He only raises his hand to her
when she forgets her place and acts the man.
And-and then only for instruction,
never taking any pleasure or satisfaction from the task.
Whereas you, son,
seem to have played a Tommy Lee drum solo
all over your missus's facade.
- This-- I fell is all. - Hey, quiet now.
Sheriff's talking.
Come here. Take comfort, dear.
Daughter, these hard times are over.
All right?
I'll see to your husband's instruction myself.
What 'struction?
Now, be honest.
Do you ever question your man's supremacy
when he speaks?
Just when he drinks or with the crank, you know?
I try to stay out of the way, but...
Don't hurt him.
- We got three boys who need a daddy. - Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you. You got any of that huckleberry pie?
Sure. - That's great.
Lookit, dick cheese, I know you...
Quiet.
Go home. Fix a meal.
Pray on it before you take the first bite.
Forgiveness. Tend to his burns.
Try to be deferential.
Cater to his needs as a man with your mouth
in order to sow harmony.
I'll come by in the morning, see if the lesson stuck.
Go on.
Go.
They missed her.
What happened?
You send a man to do a job without all the information,
how can the job be done?
Yeah, what are you?
The Riddler?
You say the woman is a woman, a...
How do you...?
Housewife.
Never do you mention she is, for real, a tiger.
You're saying you couldn't handle some girl?
100 pounds soaking wet?
Huh?
It was on the wire this morning.
This half-wit shot up a filling station outside Beulah.
Murdered the clerk.
Killed a state trooper.
Put a hole in the leg of another.
And this retard's partner with a cracked skull
and his face half burned off in the morgue.
You say housewife, so I bring one guy.
You say tiger...
that's a different guy.
Cost you three times.
Did they take her? The police?
Fled on foot.
Possibly home.
Possibly to the wind.
Could you find her?
She could be found.
Where people go, the thoughts they have,
these are known to me.
Instincts.
Who flees, who fights.
It's a question of price.
The job it was, not the job you said.
Pain and suffering.
A man, missing an appendage,
self-sewing his own skin.
Scarred for life, he's told.
And then this new ask.
Hunting a tiger.
And it forces the man to ask:
why you want the tiger?
She's my wife.
Don't tell him shit.
I already said I can handle this.
We know where she lives now. Her alias.
She made vows to me.
A pledge.
In sickness and in health.
Consider it a debt unpaid, leaving me in limbo.
Husband yes or husband no.
See, she hid from me nine, ten years.
Interest accrued.
Until the debt could no longer be paid with money.
Then, one day, there she is, fingerprints in the system.
Now the limbo can end,
the debt can be collected.
Tell me something, friend.
If a man is pure,
his actions are only ever good.
You believe that?
I'm a nihilist.
What the fuck does that mean?
I believe in nothing.
You believe in money.
Yeah?
Well, thanks for your help.
Go on with Gator. He'll get you paid.
Dad.
Original plus pain and suffering.
Yeah, of course.
Take it out of the rainy day fund.
Fixing place. Right.
Come on, numbnuts.
A man is grateful.
I'm not saying sorry, but you understand.
I had to rough you up a little back there.
You coming up snake eyes and all.
With her being such a tiny bird, which...
You know...
they used to be dinosaurs.
Hundreds okay?
Surprise, shitbird.
- What's going on, Roy? - Go on, get back to the house now.
Like we said, this is all just a misunderstanding.
Had a bad day is all.
A bad day?
Yeah.
Left the house a mess.
Last I checked, weren't a crime.
No, ma'am.
I'm a recidivist on that count myself.
Laundry especially.
Oh, laundry.
But what I'm concerned about is the blood.
Told you, I cut my feet up on some glass.
You did.
And I see the wounds.
But what I'm dealing with is the fact
that the blood on your entry floor
is different than the blood type we have on record for you.
Records?
Those...
You know, I heard a man went into the hospital in St. Paul
fer a kidney transplant,
he ended up with someone else's brain.
- No way. - Yeah.
Well, I'm not sure...
That don't sound accurate.
What I'm saying is, hospitals make mistakes.
Then there's the hair DNA from the balaclava in your boudoir.
Told you, I bought that secondhand.
You know, it's my fault.
You know, I came home, front door was wide open, uh,
all the... blood.
Uh, I-I'm not ashamed to say I panicked.
But, you know, Dot's home,
and, uh, that's all that matters.
So, uh, whatever the--
You know, she's my wife. And I believe her.
So, if there's a form or something I can sign to...
you know, drop the charges...
That's not how this works.
- I got to... - Hmm?
It's almost time for pickup.
I told Scotty we could go to DQ after school, so...
Well, okay, then.
Thanks for your time.
Mm-hmm.
We're reviewing traffic cameras in the neighborhood,
so if I have any more questions...
No.
She's...
Wayne, she's not listening to me.
Uh, Danish Graves is our attorney,
so if you need to contact us again,
which you shouldn't, uh...
Okay, then.
So, it's a puzzler.
Spoke to Wayne.
Dot's back.
She's what now?
Yeah, came home on her own.
A little bruised.
Bloody feet.
She escaped?
Well, that's the conundrum.
Says she wasn't taken.
Says it was just a driving around type scenario.
Getting her head straight.
Bullshit.
You saw the police report.
Something's fishy here.
Agreed.
I smell a rat.
You think...
Well, what do you think?
A play, maybe.
Extortion, but she got cold feet.
Kidnapped herself, you're thinking?
I mean, what do we know about this girl, really?
Well, I did the background check when they got engaged.
Well, you said yourself, not much there.
Pretty thin, for sure.
Just the birth certificate,
a few school records, previous addresses.
Well, it's too good to be true, now I'm thinking.
So, what do we...?
Tell you what we don't want-- police digging their noses
into other people's business.
Asking questions that can't be answered.
Then what?
Possibly this thing goes federal.
You know, wrong person makes a phone call.
You don't think Wayne's...
Who knows what to think?
He's got the dealership,
a decent roof over their head,
but maybe she's pushing him for more.
Putting ideas in his head.
Eh... I don't know.
So we separate 'em, like the cops.
You brace him. I go at her.
Get to the bottom of things.
If this deal's for real
and they got a notion to take what's mine,
we need to nip it in the bud.
Keep things in-house.
Ah, geez.
Everything was going along just fine, too.
And now, what do you...
This... enemy within situation.
She made promises. To me.
My son.
To have and to hold.
For richer and poorer.
And that's a debt we're gonna collect.
♪ Well, I get up at seven, yeah ♪
♪ And I go to work at nine ♪
♪ I got no time for livin'♪
♪ Yes, I'm working all the time ♪
♪ It seems to me ♪
♪ I could live my life ♪
♪ A lot better than I think I am ♪
♪ I guess that's why they call me ♪
♪ They call me the workin' man ♪
♪ I guess that's what I am ♪
♪ They call me the workin' man ♪
♪ I guess that's what I am.♪
You gonna make it there, sunshine?
Fucker got the drop on me.
Tell me her name again?
Uh, goes by Dorothy Lyon now.
Lives in a suburb outside the Twin Cities.
Married, you said?
Going on ten years.
Husband owns a car dealership, some kind of...
uh, Korean model.
Koreans make cars?
I guess.
Anyway, she's got a daughter
named Scotty. She's about nine.
GUARD [on radio]: Roy, we got FBI here.
Let's send 'em up.
What do you want me to...?
Ah, don't worry about it.
Hard day at the office.
Like the sign says, he's a hard man for hard times.
And by "he" I mean me.
Agent "Ja-Queen."
It's Joaquin.
This is Agent Meyer.
We're new in the Fargo office.
We thought we'd come by,
see why you aren't enforcing any of our laws.
What laws?
Oh, you know, gun laws, drug laws.
Any of the half-dozen other American laws
passed and ratified by the United States government
that you don't seem to recognize.
Well, Agent Ja-Queen, I think you'll find
that there is no one on God's green earth
who is a greater enforcer of the laws of this land
than Roy Tillman.
Why do I feel like there's a "but" here?
But...
...what you need to know is that I am the law of the land.
Elected by the residents of this county
to interpret and enforce the Constitution
given unto us by Almighty God.
Mm-hmm.
Freedom.
Amen.
You know, I hear that word a lot out here.
I'm curious...
what you think it means.
Agent, if you don't know what freedom is,
I don't think me saying the words out loud
is gonna teach you.
Why don't you go and do your chores?
Seriously?
Do you want a towel, or...?
Does my discussing matters of state
in moist repose bother you?
Jesus.
Now, what is it you wanted to discuss?
Well, like I said, we're new in town.
We thought we'd come open a collegial dialogue.
Maybe let you know we're looking into the practices
- of your office. - Very unorthodox practices.
Possibly illegal.
Illegal according to who?
Maybe you weren't paying attention,
but I am the law around here.
So you said.
Removable only by the governor or my constituents,
who love me, by the way,
because I say what I want and I do as I please.
And I know the difference between right and wrong.
Don't you mean legal and illegal?
Well...
did you know that in North Dakota it is illegal
for a charitable group to hold
more than two poker games a year?
And similarly, it is illegal
to keep an elk in a sandbox in your own backyard.
I shit you not.
Now, if you were to own a tavern
and serve beer and pretzels at the same time,
I could arrest you.
And in Waverly...
the law forbids horses from sleeping in bathtubs.
You beginning to get the drift here?
I'm a sheriff of the American Constitution.
Bound by duty, blood, and tradition
to enforce what is right and to prosecute what is wrong.
And the law, my friends...
...has very little to do with it.
So, Ja-Queen, Mrs. Ja-Queen,
if you'll excuse me,
I have some justice to administer.
You can see yourself out.
What do you say next time we get an extra Blizzard
and hold it upside down to see how long it takes
for the stuffing to come out, huh?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Your tea selection is atrocious.
How did you get in here?
Hey, Nana.
Are you wearing lipstick?
That's ketchup. We had curly fries.
Like I said, how come you're in my home?
Of course I have a key.
It's my son's house.
Still, sorry if-if we startled you.
Imagine intruders breaking into your house
twice in one week.
Oh, wait.
That didn't happen.
What do you want?
Jerome, could you see my granddaughter to her room?
Maybe she wants to show you her dolls.
I don't have dolls, Nana. I like ninjas.
Is that some kind of cat?
You're silly.
Come on, young Skywalker.
I'll show you how a true samurai fights, hmm?
Whoa.
Well, I guess with you when it rains it pours.
That...
I mean, this is all just a bunch of silliness.
Honestly, I'm embarrassed by all the fuss.
Signs of a break-in, I'm told.
Evidence you fought back, which good for you.
I'd have skinned 'em where they stood.
Please.
More like Mama had a tantrum
and it all got blowed out of proportion.
Honestly, like a snowball rolling downhill.
Well, either you got a screw loose,
or somebody came for you and you got away...
and now you're lying about it.
Mom.
No.
I'm not your mom.
You're married to my son, mother to my granddaughter.
I wanted a girl with papers,
but my Wayne always liked a sassy thing
with a tight caboose, so here you are.
Haven't you ever had one of those days?
So what if I do got a screw loose?
Stress and the like.
I'm holding up my end of the deal.
We're man and wife,
him and me,
and he loves me.
There are ways we could change that.
The holy bond.
Revocation of the trust.
And cut you both out of the will,
see if that moves the marker.
What are you saying?
I'm saying I don't trust you.
You're up to something.
And I won't have you dragging my son down.
So...
best you make excuses,
you go back to wherever it is you were before you met.
If you go easy, I could even see my way to...
staking you for the first... two years.
Listen, bitch.
I've climbed through six kinds of hell to get where I am.
And no Ivy League royal wannabe is gonna run me off
just because she doesn't like the way I smell.
If you want to tussle with me...
...you better sleep with both eyes open.
Because nobody takes what's mine and lives.
Anyhoo...
thanks for stopping by.
Dinner Sunday?
I'll bring my blue salad.
Jerome.
We're leaving.
Always nice to see you, dear.
Maybe think about getting some iron into your diet.
You look like a corpse.
Mom?
Ooh.
I'm hungry.
What?
You just had DQ.
It didn't take.
Oh. What's going on down there?
A wedgie.
Tell you what.
How about we make a vegetable medley
with carrot sticks and the bell peppers you like?
And then you can help Mom do some kind of craft project.
What kind of craft project?
You're gonna have to go downstairs to find out.
Come on.
Ah! Bye-bye.
Nice done.
Awesome.
- Ooh. - ♪ Did you ever have ♪
♪ That feeling in your life ♪
♪ That someone was watching you?♪
♪ He don't have no reason, that's right ♪
♪ But still he's there watching you ♪
♪ Someone is waiting just outside the door ♪
♪ To take you away ♪
♪ Everybody knows just what he's there for ♪
♪ To take you away ♪
You ready? Yeah.
♪ But who wasn't there ♪
♪ That you should look out for?♪
- Whoa. - ♪ Who wasn't there that you should look out for?♪
♪ Get back inside your wall and shut the door ♪
♪ Get back inside your wall and shut the ♪
♪ Door...♪
Keep your hands off the ball chain, huh?
Mama doesn't want you getting smooshed like a bug.
Can we do my room next?
Oh, yeah.
Let's go.
Race you.
WOMAN [over P.A.]: Don't forget our special 30% off winter deal on...
Great deal, heck of a deal.
Oh, sure, yeah, I got those VIN numbers right here.
Actually, Phil, I'll have to call you back.
All right.
Finally saw the light on that Porsche, did you?
What are you, uh...?
- What are you...? - I got some business to discuss, Wayne.
Ah.
Is he on?
Mom?
Got a problem here, kid. Need your help with it.
Of course, yeah.
Is it that landscaper again?
No, it's not the landscaper, moron.
It's your wife.
Now hold on. That's, uh...
This whole kidnapping that ain't a kidnapping thing,
well, there's something fishy about that.
Full low tide, if you ask me.
Like the dog's breath.
Now, we talked about this, uh...
She had a bad day.
Son.
I talked to the police.
They got hard evidence your wife was abducted.
Not to mention,
I just learned they think they got one of the guys
on a slab over in North Dakota.
Broke his skull in the commode of a filling station.
- G-Geez. - Yeah, officer on the scene said
there was a female present who matches Dot.
Get your head out of your ass, kid.
She's making a play here, your missus.
In cahoots with the kidnappers maybe,
or maybe just seizing the opportunity.
I'm not sure what or why.
But any way you tell the story,
it ends with me writing a check.
Oh, come on now, Ma, n-not everything's about money.
Slap him.
I'm... sorry?
You heard me.
My son needs a slap
and I'm not there to give it to him.
So, as my attorney, I authorize you
to knock his fucking block off.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute-- Aah!
Ow.
Listen to me, boy.
You're back at the kiddie table on this one.
That's official.
Now shut your hole and listen to me talk.
Trooper?
Saved.
From what?
Concord grape, I think.
Hmm.
How... may I help you?
Sure, well, I'm, uh, Deputy Olmstead,
Scandia Police Department over in Minnesota.
I wanted to ask you some questions
about events that transpired last night.
You and everybody else.
Well, sir, I think I might have a piece of your puzzle.
To wit, the identity of the missing female you assisted.
If I'm right, which I think I am.
Color me intrigued.
Taken from her home yesterday afternoon by two men, we think.
We found blood from one.
Looks like she burned the other fella's face pretty bad.
Sounds like my girl.
Rambo, basically.
Or, uh, the other fella from the TV, uh...
- MacGyver. - Well, I got a picture.
Mm.
What do you know?
It's a party.
Indira Olmstead, Scandia Police Department.
Ah. City girl.
Well, we prefer "women" these days.
But the rest is accurate.
How can we help you, stranger?
Sheriff's Deputy, Stark County.
Sounds like you had a mix-up in my neck of the woods last night,
which we run a pretty tight ship, so...
I take it personal when bad men appear.
This job will grind you down, you take it too personal.
What can I say? I like being on the right side of a gunfight.
Heard you say you had a picture of the perps?
Uh, victim. Female. Right.
Saw something about, uh, a woman got taken.
Or escaped or something?
We think these fellas grabbed her up in Minnesota.
Taking her to points west when the trooper pulled them over.
She killed one, the recidivist Donald Ireland,
I think they said. The other one got away.
Sounds like a real Comanche, this female you're hunting.
Like I said, I got a photo. Excuse me.
So, what, she some kind of criminal, also?
Not exactly.
Had a mix-up at her daughter's school this week.
Tased an officer by accident.
How's that happen?
Heat of the moment, I'm guessing.
Used to be a saying:
"Minnesota nice." But I was there.
Nothing nice about Minnesota that day.
Oops. What'd I do?
- What did you...? - I must've, I don't know, I pressed something.
Darn it, you deleted the victim, her photo.
Yeah, me and technology don't see eye to eye.
Especially now.
This wrist-breaker... ah.
No, it-it's my fault.
I'm not sure what I was thinking just bringing the one.
Well, I sure hope you find her.
If it was her, saved my life, I think.
Oh, no, she's home. A little worse for wear
but intact.
Strangest thing, though.
Despite all evidence,
she's claiming it never happened.
Never... what now?
Says nobody broke in.
Says she wasn't taken.
Just went for a wander for ten hours
and then came home and cooked breakfast.
Cry for attention, sounds like.
Drama queen trying to make her husband sick.
Who said she has a husband?
No, I mean, I'm assuming.
Description said 30s in the police report, so...
Well, all I know is, the woman I met broke loose
like somebody who knows how small the cage can get.
Wish you had that picture.
Like to meet that woman again, thank her.
For what? Far as I can tell,
she's the one got you shot in the first place.
Oh, the job got me shot.
She was just...
trying to get free.
But you know what they say.
Protect and serve.
Yeah, I'm down with "protect," but...
I ain't in the service industry.
I'm in the kicking ass and taking names business.
You two have a nice day.
Consider that bitch flummoxed.
What the heck?
Hiya, hon.
What the heck?
Made some shepherd's pie.
Scotty.
What you doing there?
For security. Mom said.
Yeah. Oh.
Hon...
Yeah?
Why is there a sledgehammer over the front door?
Well, we talked about an alarm system,
but you said we couldn't afford a good one, so we...
Well, what the heck is...?
Oh, no, hon, I wouldn't touch that. It's electrified.
It's what?
It's plugged into the wall.
Anyone tries to bust in,
well, they'll get a righteous shock.
Hon, c-can we talk? I...
Wait, how, I'm just gonna...
How about you go upstairs and, uh,
watch some cartoons on your Samsung?
Yeah?
- Yeah. - Let me get my apron off at least.
Uh, Mom came by the lot today.
Er, well, her man did.
Uh, she called in.
Yeah, she...
I saw her, too.
But don't worry.
I think we came to an understanding.
She said that, or...?
- No. - Oh.
But women understand each other.
Well, hon, I don't think you do...
u-understand each other.
She... She's litigating against you, see.
She, uh...
Well, she thinks you made this whole thing up.
I... I mean, the whole thing sounds... loony.
But she-she thinks you're some kind of con woman.
Uh, playing us for our money.
Uh, in league with the kidnappers.
I just...
Told you, there were no kidnappers, just...
Drove around to-to clear your head.
But-but, hon, the-the...
The-the car was here the whole time.
Walking, I said, or I-I...
Listen, I believe you.
I'm not the one you got to... I just...
And she said she can get the cops out of the equation.
You know, her friend the attorney general, but, hon...
You know, from-from where she's sitting the-the whole thing
don't make a lot of sense.
But it makes sense to us.
That's what matters, right?
Yeah, maybe.
But, hon... wh-why-why is there a, a-a sledgehammer
in the vestibule?
A-And how come Scotty's making a zombie killer?
Well, like she said. Security.
From what?
Hon...
No, I-I'm just trying to, you know...
No. You can't. You-you weren't there.
At the school board.
Neighbor against neighbor.
Society's breaking down here.
The social structure.
What side you're on, whether you're for or against,
I-I'm just saying...
We need to wake up here.
Protect ourselves, in case...
In case what?
In case...
ruffians at the door.
Or Mr. Abernathy decides he wants revenge.
Or a thousand other maybes.
Uh, who?
Scotty's math teacher.
The fella I tased before the cop.
Y-You tased the math teacher?
Well...
I got a bad feeling, hon.
- Yeah. - People do.
It's not just me.
And I'm, I-I'm not saying that we should build a bunker.
Or stockpile long guns.
A few common sense...
Hon, y-y-y-you got electric wire on the windows.
A few practical solutions.
Unless you're ready to step up
and go state of the art, really sink some capital into it.
I-I... Should we, I don't know, sh-sh-sh-should we get a gun?
See? Oh. Now you're thinking.
A gun is a great idea. We should get a shotgun.
- Oh. - And maybe a pistol for the bedroom.
- Ah. - And maybe we could replace my Taser, too.
And, I don't know, maybe some kind of net.
- Just in case they, uh... - A net?
- Huh? - Huh?
All I'm saying is-is,
now we're speaking the same language.
Oh, you're such a gentle guy.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I know how hard this is.
I-I just want to play floor hockey
in my socks with Scotty again and watch Real Housewives.
I know.
And we can and we will.
Hey. We just got to take care of a few things first.
All I ever wanted was...
Y-You're my dream come true.
And you're mine.
Come on, mister.
Before your daughter's brain turns to sludge.
Yeah.
Hey, Scotty.
Let's eat!
♪ Boys and girls of every age ♪
♪ Wouldn't you like to see something strange?♪
♪ Come with us and you will see ♪
♪ This, our town of Halloween ♪
♪ This is Halloween, this is Halloween ♪
♪ Pumpkins scream in the dead of night ♪
Pull in here. I got to take a piss.
♪ This is Halloween, everybody make a scene ♪
♪ Trick or treat till the neighbors gonna die of fright ♪
♪ It's our town, everybody scream ♪
♪ In this town of Halloween ♪
♪ I am the one hiding under your bed ♪
♪ Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red ♪
♪ I am the one hiding under your stairs ♪
♪ Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair ♪
♪ This is Halloween, this is Halloween ♪
♪ Halloween, Halloween Halloween, Halloween.♪
- Want a pop? - No, I'm fine.
Whoa.
I got us some jerky.
Spicy kind.
You better keep those windows down.
Fuck, that's hot.
Where is this guy?
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Now I get it.