Keep your hands off of me!
Come on, Scotty.
Now, if anybody tries to stop us,
you just bite 'em on the ankle, okay?
No one's listening to me!
- Oh, God! - Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, oh! No!
- No, no! No! - It was a human error! - Wait.
I can ex-- Not deliberate! Human error. Oh, God!
Scotty, wait, Scotty.
- Mom! - Scotty! Don't worry, okay?
- Where's my daughter? - Mom!
Scotty!
Oh, it's okay, hon.
Don't worry, the police are just helping Mommy.
Mom!
No, I...
- Mom! - Scotty!
Scandia Middle School meeting is now over!
The meeting is over.
Freedom!
Shoot.
I tell ya.
Ma'am, I'm sorry, could you...
I'm worried about my daughter,
who just saw her mama carted away in handcuffs.
Well, you should have thought about that
- before you tased the officer. - Should have thought,
"Oh, boy, I hope my daughter
don't see her mama carted away in handcuffs"?
What's the world coming to is all I'm saying.
Neighbor against neighbor.
That... I agree with you there.
We were just trying, me and my girl, to get out.
School board meeting, my A-S-S.
And then Mr. Abernathy, the math teacher,
he came at me like something from a zombie movie.
Which, don't come at a mama lion when she's got her cub.
You know what I mean?
But the officer-- that...
He was just wrong place, wrong time.
Well, here's what I know.
It's a beautiful day.
And you know what they call a herd of lions?
A pride.
So think about that.
Makeup bag.
Can I at least fix my h--
My prints, do they...
Is there a national database you put those in?
Why? You some kind of fugitive?
No. I just...
...don't want this to turn into a big deal.
Oh, geez, hon. Looks like you had a heck of a time of it.
Last school board meeting I ever do.
- Here. - Okay.
Oh, gosh, they put those cuffs on so tight.
Ya.
- Here. - Okay.
How come you look so nice?
Oh, going to Mom's for the Christmas card deal.
- Tonight? - Yeah.
Scotty's there already.
Went with Jerome, her major domo.
Well, hon, look at me.
I've been in the hoosegow.
I got lice, possibly.
Yeah, well, believe you me,
I asked if we could move it, but you know Mom.
Well, I got your frock and hair stuff in the car.
I just scooped all your makeup into a bag.
Except the bronzer, on account of
you said it gives you hives.
Look, we're in this rental today.
Lots and lots of leg room.
- Okay, then. - Yep. Here you go.
- Thank you. - All right.
Is Scotty...
Was she upset?
You know...
nothing some SpongeBob and her Game Boy
couldn't fix.
It was mayhem, hon, I tell ya.
Lucky I had the Taser.
Although, on second thought,
maybe better if I hadn't been so freewheeling with it.
So they give you a summons or what?
Full-on arrest scenario.
Fingerprints, perp photo.
Geez.
You're lucky they didn't ask to look up my hidey hole.
Well,
Mom said she's putting Danish Graves on it, so...
You told your mom?
I mean, yeah. I...
What else am I suppo...
She's the one with all the connections.
The lawyers, judges.
When they called, the police said you
shocked a cop, so...
On accident, to be fair.
Yeah. Well,
Danish says the boys in blue get real miffed
when you rough 'em up, so,
not sure how easy he can make this go away.
You might have to do some community service.
You mean, on top of the 50 hours a week I spend
raising money for the PTA,
the Girl Scouts and the new library?
Ya.
I can't believe you told your mom.
Go ahead.
Checking now.
- Is it Christmas already? - No, ma'am.
First comes Halloween, then Thanksgiving.
This is just for the card.
Over the mountain and through the... loop.
That's close enough, huh?
You sure you don't want to wear a dress?
Oh, shoot.
- Suit's more dress-up. - Oh, that's true.
Think I salvaged it.
You look great, hon.
- Thanks. - Doesn't she, Dad?
Oh... my.
Splendid.
Okay, we're ready here, if you want to alert Mrs. Lyon.
- Hey, come here. - Dad did it backwards?
Hey, hon, you got any nuts?
I'm starving.
There's a dinner after. Maybe not for us.
I'm here.
- You're ruining my entrance. - What?
You're...
I'm here.
Mrs. Lyon, I set you up here in front of the tree.
I hope that's acceptable.
Where's my granddaughter?
- I'm here, Nana. - Where?
Right here.
How progressive.
Let's put the cross-dresser in the center.
Wayne, you and your outlaw wife can sit on the bench.
Wink and I will flank.
All right.
And shall I...
Family only.
Jerome.
What the heck?
It's about strength,
a projection of our values as a family.
Make a choice, dear.
Perfect.
Okay.
Yeah, everybody look in the lens.
And give me that Christmas spirit.
Wayne, you remember the attorney general.
Of course.
Voted for you twice.
That-that's some election humor.
Not funny, is it, that sort of talk,
what with our nation under siege?
No politics at the table.
I was just telling Mick about this mess
your wife got herself into.
Wait. I thought...
We talked about off-lining this conversation until...
Mommy zapped a police.
We don't need to talk about that now, do we? No.
Well, like I was telling your mother-in-law here,
I'll look into it.
Objection. I-I just want
to be clear that nothing said at this table
over any course, including dessert,
should be considered an admission of...
Well, what-whatever happened, you know, I...
I don't have to tell you, I was worried sick
when I heard.
'Course, assaulting an officer, that's...
Allegedly.
It was an accident.
I'm sorry?
I'm just saying that...
Never mind.
What were you doing there in the first place?
I mean, it was a school board meeting.
I'm on the committee for the new library.
We're trying to raise money to expand thrillers and mysteries.
Lee Child and the like.
Can't you just give money like a normal person?
Come on now, Ma. We don't have...
I mean, I make a good wage, but...
You have a trust.
Just talk to Danish.
Nothing frivolous, of course,
which... thrillers...
May want to think that through a little more.
Or here's a thought.
Write your own pulp fiction
now that you're an outlaw.
You know, Rommel wasn't a tall man.
Did you brush your teeth?
Okay.
- Mama? - Yeah.
Are you going to jail?
You mean again? No.
We're gonna get that sorted out,
and I am gonna be here when you wake up in the morning,
like always.
Can we have Bisquick?
Silver dollar, just like you like 'em.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Okay. Pirates. Arr!
"Scurvy swabs."
You want to take a tumble?
Oh, hon, I'm...
You don't want that tonight.
It was a heck of a day.
I had to sponge my pits
in your mom's commode like a French lady.
Yeah. Well, maybe I like that.
Caged heat.
I'm flattered, believe me.
But if you try to touch me right now,
I'm gonna have to tase you, too.
Message received.
Will it bother you if I watch Blue Bloods?
Knock yourself out.
- Well, look at you. - Promised her pancakes.
None for me, hon.
I have the new models coming in.
Want to be at the showroom to greet 'em.
Scotty, the dad bus is leaving.
I can take her.
You know, I was thinking maybe
stay away from school for a few days.
- But... - Just-just let things cool down?
Come on, kid.
Grab your gear.
She hasn't had her Bisquick yet.
Stop for doughnuts on the way, how about?
- Doughnuts? - Doughn... see?
I'll be home late.
- Okay. - All right.
- Here. - All right. Oh, thanks.
I'll keep your plate in the warmer for you.
- All right. - Bye, squirt. - Bye.
Come on, have a seat.
Let's get started.
Thank you. Wow.
A Tuesday crowd that sounds like a Friday crowd.
I love it, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello
to my good friend. It's Shea Wells over there.
- Hello, Shea. - Hey.
I'm sweating in this thing.
Enough of this fucking thing.
Where is this bitch?
Is she dead?
Lady...
he said alive.
But he didn't say nothing about...
...with all her teeth.
You feel me?
I'm sure she just lost track of time, slugger.
Hey, pal, can you see if I left my briefcase in the car?
- You want it? - No! I... I...
You just stay there, okay?
Hon?
Oh, geez.
Mr. Lyon?
I threw up in the downstairs commode.
I'm saying that so whenserigwaji you see that there,
that's me.
Your message said you came home and the front door was...
Was wide open, yeah, and there's... blood.
I mean, you'll see, and...
And no Dot. She... You think she's...
- Gonna need you to stay out here, Mr. Lyon. - Okay.
Forensic truck should be pulling in shortly. Tell 'em...
...I'm having a look around the place and to come on in.
I... yeah, I sent Scotty to the neighbor's, so...
That was good thinking.
- Did you try your wife's cell? - Yeah, first thing.
It's on the kitchen counter, so...
I just... if anything happened to her, I...
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm gonna check the premises now.
There's some kind of a burnt hat,
maybe, upstairs.
What the heck?
Well, I think we have to assume this is a kidnapping.
- So she's alive? - For now.
Are you crying?
- No. - Well, I'd expect a ransom demand
somewhere in the next 48,
probably for some real cheese.
You know, with Scotty's school and the new fleet,
I don't really have that money.
Wayne. I'm the deep pockets here.
Though why they think I'd break the bank
for some low-rent skirt my son knocked up...
Hey, that...
Mom, that's my wife you're talking about.
Don't be a baby. You're at the grownup table.
How much could we pull together, cash, if we had to?
Well, money's not the problem.
The company's cash-rich right now,
what with the market volatility.
And heck, you got kidnap insurance.
Doesn't she?
Foreign and domestic.
We're checking to make sure it applies
to the daughter-in-law.
No, the real issue now is process.
Do we bring the FBI in
or a private hostage negotiation team?
I want to keep this thing quiet.
We already got enough worthless public servants running around
thinking they own the place.
I'm home.
Well, hon, turning in.
Got to get up early on account I'm working a big case.
Kidnapping, we think.
Forensics came back two different blood types,
not the victim.
Yeah.
Slicing right again.
I think I'm dropping my shoulder.
Did you put in for the regional?
Twenty-five hundred bucks.
No kidding.
I know.
Well, hon, I don't got to tell you...
- I know. - Sears sent a final notice,
and the mortgage...
I said I know.
Please don't get defensive.
Just got out of our skis is all,
- ...what with the simulator. - I told you...
...I need it for the winter months.
Of course.
I'm not saying it's superfluous.
Just, maybe think about making up a few shifts
at the Red Apple again.
Or we talked about,
maybe you go back to radiology school,
you know, as a backup.
I don't need a backup.
You got your dream job,
and I'm so close.
You know, I came in second at Hilton Head.
Well, like I said, got to get up early.
Proud of you.
Thanks. You coming?
In a minute. Just a few more drives.
Shut the fuck up already.
My face...
It's still there. Stop whining.
Is it cloudy in here?
My eye.
I'm afraid to look.
Got two eyes.
Could you take me to a veterinarian?
What?
You know, like in the movies.
'Cause they're also a doctor, just for animals.
You need to go the hospital.
Burns like that,
you're gonna get infected.
Maybe even go to the brain.
- Shut up. - I need my brain.
Not from where the driver sits.
What's going on?
Where did you get the truck?
Stole it, like you said, over in St. Cloud.
Stole from who?
You got me. Some guy's driveway.
- Christ. - What do we do?
- Shut up. - What do we do?
Shut up.
There's a .38 in the glove box.
And you don't get any funny...
Geez.
- Hey... - Oh, my God.
Are you okay, ma'am?
Shit!
Officer down! I repeat, officer down!
Christ on a stick.
Come on.
This is
Deputy Witt Farr. I'm on the lam,
evading pursuit.
Two shooters in a, uh,
a dark-green F250.
Hey. Hey, hey. Hey. Wait, wait, wait.
No.
Son, get down before you lose your head.
- You got a back door? - No.
What about, a first aid kit?
- Come on! - I got you.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Let me help.
Just stay calm. Backup'll be here soon.
Fix your leg. I'll check the doors.
Clerk said no back door.
There's a bathroom back there.
It'll have a window.
Right, yeah. Yeah, good thinking.
You gonna make it?
Yeah, I'll get us there.
I'll get us there.
Oh, God.
Hey. Hey...
...you got any weaponry back there?
Shotgun? Lead pipe?
Got a air horn.
- A what? - An air horn? It's, like...
air in a can, and you push the button...
and you...
Losing a lot of blood here.
Must have hit an artery.
I'm guessing there was a perp in the commode?
Put this in here. Yeah? Okay?
Okay.
Now I'm gonna twist it.
Yeah?
Okay. It's okay. Come on.
- Can you hold it? Yeah. - Yeah.
Where'd you learn to do all this?
It's not my first getaway.
Oh, sorry.
Can you at least tell me your name?
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
Where's the second fella?
By the front door.
Breathing?
The cavalry's here.
Come by me so they don't...
Gonna put you in for a medal when this is over.
Some kind of commendation, you know?
civilian bravery or some such.
We're gonna get her back.
Hiya, hon.
Just making sure Scotty...
Well, she didn't get her Bisquick yesterday.
Oh, hon.
Geez, you're bleeding.
I am?
Oh, would you look at that.
Well, I just feel like the silliest.
Well, what the heck happened?
Some kind of break-in?
The blood and, like...
...the hair?
Oh, hon, are you okay?
Stop being so ridiculous.
I just must have
cut myself is all, earlier.
And, well,
you know, yesterday was a tough pill to swallow,
so I thought I could go somewhere,
clear my head.
But, I'm...
Two types of blood they found.
- Yep. - Ya, O-negative and...
Well, I forgot the other one, but not yours.
And the deal with the ski mask...
- ...all scorched and stuff? - Ya.
I had some of the winter things out,
prepping for the seasonal changeover.
- Ya? - And I guess I must have put 'em
too close to the curlers, and it...
You must think I'm some kind of fool.
Oh, no. No, of course...
of course not, I just...
What are you saying? 'Cause the cops were here.
That Indian lady, and she said...
"abducted by force" is what she, and then...
I'm at my mom's figuring out a ransom strategy...
You told your mom?
Yeah, hon, there was...
You were abducted.
Stop saying that.
I had a bad day.
I needed some time to clear my head.
Did I leave the house a mess?
Well, shoot.
I know you think I'm this kinda perfect woman...
wife, mother...
...but you know, even I got a breaking point.
Now, you want to set the table for breakfast?
Got to make sure Scotty gets her vitamins and minerals
for school. Most important meal of the day.