1
00:00:01,834 --> 00:00:05,437
The trick to cereal is keeping
70% above the milk.
2
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,706
Jerry, get a job.
[ Knock on door ]
3
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,140
Uh, w-why
don't you get it, Jerry?
4
00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:11,309
You're the man of the house,
and you don't have a job.
5
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,345
[ Sighs ]
6
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,846
Delivery for Rick.
7
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,481
Morning, Summer, Beth,
and Jerry.
8
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:17,682
Gross.
What is that thing?
9
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,050
It's a courier flap.
10
00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:20,652
It's like the intergalactic
version of u.P.S.,
11
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,287
but less off-putting.
12
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:23,555
Oh, shiiit!
13
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:25,624
It looks like an egg-vite
from birdperson.
14
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,659
Must be time
for his annual Oscar party.
15
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,361
And, by the way,
our TV signals take light years
16
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,629
to reach his planet.
17
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,364
Nobody tell him
that "braveheart" wins.
18
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,200
[ Music plays ]
Greetings.
This is birdperson.
19
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,468
And Tammy!
20
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,802
Inviting you
to planet squanch
21
00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:39,237
for our mate-melding
ceremony --
22
00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:40,872
blugh!
[ Muffled ]
If you're from earth,
23
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,374
that means
we're getting married!
24
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:43,642
Oh, my God!
25
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,477
My friend Tammy's
marrying birdperson!
26
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:46,578
What the hell
is a birdperson?
27
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,846
He's Rick's
best friend.
28
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,514
Uh, l-let's not
get carried away, Morty.
29
00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,249
Would you like to rsvp
or send a gift?
30
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,718
No. Weddings are basically
funerals with cake.
31
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,220
If I wanted to watch someone
throw their life away,
32
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,155
[burps]
I'd hang out with Jerry all day.
33
00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:58,690
Affirmative!
Returning to sender.
34
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,859
No, hold on, stay,
courier flaps.
Staying!
35
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,094
Dad, you have a friend
that's getting married.
36
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:04,062
That's a big deal.
37
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,897
It's a big deal
he has a friend.
38
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,400
What do you know
about friendship, Jerry?
39
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,868
Confirmed,
shipping Jerry.
40
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:11,202
[ Muffled ]
Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!
41
00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:12,170
Oh, God!
Jerry!
42
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,004
Dad! Dad!
43
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,340
Where is it
taking him?
44
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:17,075
I assume
planet squanch --
45
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,010
6,000 light years
across the galaxy.
46
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,912
Whoa, t-that's --
that's insane!
47
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,882
Yeah, I know. Now we have to
go to the wedding.
48
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,585
♪
49
00:01:55,581 --> 00:01:57,215
[ Upbeat music playing]
50
00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:59,117
[ Bottles rattling ]
51
00:02:04,323 --> 00:02:06,057
Rick Sanchez!
52
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,559
You psycho bag
of squanch!
53
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,893
Hey, what's up,
squanchy?
54
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:10,061
Summer and Morty:
Hey, squanchy.
55
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,631
Morty, Summer!
And you must be Beth.
56
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,766
Mwah!
Ensquanche!
57
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,669
You're language has the word
"squanch" in it a lot.
58
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,437
Doesn't that become tedious
and worn out,
59
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:20,905
like the smurf thing?
60
00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:23,341
Beth, squanchy culture
is more contextual than literal.
61
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:26,344
You just say what's in your
squanch and people understand.
62
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,445
Oh. Okay.
63
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:30,415
I squanchmy family.
64
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,750
Uh...
What, I do.
65
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:32,851
I squanch my family.
66
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,819
Stop saying it.
Gross.
67
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:35,987
Come on in, guys.
68
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,023
The guest are having
cocksquanches.
69
00:02:40,693 --> 00:02:42,494
[ Groaning ]
70
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,962
[ Gasps ]
71
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,697
Where am I?!
You're at a wedding.
72
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,265
Go change.
73
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,968
♪ And I'm an alien
with jazz rap style ♪
74
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,771
♪ jazz rapping
for an alien mile ♪
75
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,273
♪ fat beats and an alien smile
76
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,276
♪ jazz space phone,
alien dial is my friend ♪
77
00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:00,178
♪ I got a mouthful of jazz
for your ass ♪
78
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,446
[ Crying ]
79
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:02,947
♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing
80
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,616
[ both squealing ]
Oh, you made it!
81
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,117
I wouldn't it
for the world!
82
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,787
Oh, my God.
I love your ring.
83
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,656
Thanks. It was
birdperson's grandmother's.
84
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:13,525
She fought
a squirrel for it.
85
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,826
Birdperson.
86
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,995
Rick, I am pleased
you and your family
87
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:19,130
could witness my melding
with Tammy.
88
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,198
Our pleasure.
89
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,200
Yeah, I just hope
you got a pre-meld.
90
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,334
Rick!
What?!
91
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:24,703
It's just a practical way
of making sure
92
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,970
that when she's
done with you,
93
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,305
you can get
one of your balls back.
94
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:28,306
Jesus, dad.
95
00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,708
He's just grumpy
from the flight.
96
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,476
Ohh, I-I was happy
on the flight.
97
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,211
I'm grumpy
from the landing.
98
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,646
[ Sighs ]
99
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,847
Well, I looked
at the guest book.
100
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,582
We don't know
a damn person here.
101
00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:40,318
Hi! Jerry Smith --
father of the bride's friend.
102
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,420
Advertising is my usual game,
but I'm between --
103
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,823
Jerry, stop networking.
We're in space.
104
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,324
"Jerry, get a job!
105
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:48,359
Jerry, don't look for a job
at an alien wedding!"
106
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,661
I don't get you.
107
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:50,995
This is the closest
I've ever gotten
108
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,397
to this part
of my father's life.
109
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,665
I don't want
to blow it.
110
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,266
Okay, I get it.
I'm cramping your style.
111
00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:57,769
You say you get it, but
I'm scared you'll keep doing it.
112
00:03:57,771 --> 00:04:00,171
Look, here's some humans
you can practice on.
113
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,073
You must be
Summer's mom and dad.
114
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,342
We're Tammy's parents --
pat and Donna guterman.
115
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:05,510
Hi. Beth.
116
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:06,878
This is Jerry.
117
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,514
So you're teenage daughter's
marrying a birdman.
118
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:10,849
Are you guys
down with that?
119
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,383
[ Chuckles ]
No pun intended.
120
00:04:12,385 --> 00:04:13,852
We're quite proud.
121
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,755
He's a wonderful person
and an incredible bird.
122
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,623
Still, what is he, 40?
[ Chuckles ]
123
00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:19,891
It's just, you know,
124
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,060
when he was 30,
she was an actual child.
125
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,895
When he was her age,
she wasn't born.
126
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,930
When he was, let's see,
like, 18,
127
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:29,033
she was literally
in there in your womb.
128
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,468
Imagine being pregnant
with your daughter
129
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:32,303
and a bird teenager
comes into your home and says,
130
00:04:32,305 --> 00:04:34,305
"I'll take that.
I'll have sex with that."
131
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:35,940
[ Both chuckle ]
Give us one second.
132
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:38,209
Oof!
Were you born with your feet
in your mouth?
133
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,577
I was transported here
against my will
134
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:40,979
in a meatball,
all right?
135
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,314
So take your attitude
to the men's section of kmart,
136
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,984
'cause you need to cut me
some slack...S.
137
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,318
I want you to stand
in the corner
138
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,254
and face the corner
and talk to nobody.
139
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:52,223
Maybe...I...Will.
140
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,259
You know, you're not being
very supportive
141
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:56,060
of birdperson
on his big day.
142
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:58,229
Birdperson's big day,
Morty,
143
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:01,766
was at blood Ridge
on glapflap's third moon
144
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,668
against
the gromflamites!
145
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:06,004
This?
This is a losing battle.
146
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,006
Geez, Rick,
it's not like he's dying.
147
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,340
He's getting married!
148
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,942
I mean, what do you think's
gonna happen
149
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:12,644
if you open yourself up
a little bit?
150
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,145
I mean, look around.
151
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,015
This is your family and friends
all around you, you know?
152
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,416
Take the day off.
153
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,418
There's nothing to run from,
nothing to fight.
154
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,620
[ Whistles ]
That's his last name.
155
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:23,755
Are you
hyphenating it?
156
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,256
Squanch this, mo-fo.
157
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:26,357
[ Both laugh ]
158
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,426
Good one, Morty.
Excuse me, bartender.
159
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,428
Can you make me
a dumb grandson pep talk?
160
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:33,665
It's one part lame advice about
stuff you know nothing about
161
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,166
and a lot of vodka.
162
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,935
Mm-hmm.
I have a lot of vodka.
163
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:37,869
Then I'll take
one of those.
164
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,504
I don't need the rest.
165
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,105
God, whatever, Rick.
166
00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:42,941
Oh, it sounds like
you and my dad have
167
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,209
a long history
together.
168
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,844
Wish I could say
the same.
169
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,679
The road your father and I
walked together
170
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,816
is soaked deeply with the blood
of both friends and enemies.
171
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:52,951
Must be nice.
172
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,986
Um, I used to
have to draw him
173
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,554
into family photos
with a crayon.
174
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,190
The war in which we fought
is far from over.
175
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,892
We live our lives
in hiding.
176
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,961
I guess I should
be happy for you.
177
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:05,563
I mean, great,
you guys got to hang out.
178
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,131
I hope you had
a blast.
179
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:09,500
The galactic government
considers us terrorists.
180
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:12,070
It's unwise of me
to share these details,
181
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,671
but I've
become inebriated.
182
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,006
I don't know
if you can appreciate
183
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:17,475
what it means to grow up
without a father, but --
184
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:18,977
the guest list
at this wedding
185
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,880
includes 17 of the federation's
most wanted.
186
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,882
We have committed
numerous atrocities
187
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,550
in the name of freedom.
188
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,918
Annnd during that time,
189
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,653
I don't suppose he
ever mentioned his daughter.
190
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,154
Are those baby quiches?
191
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:31,389
Night crawler pate.
192
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,658
I should prepare
for the ceremony.
193
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,693
Like talking
to a brick wall.
194
00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:37,095
[ Squawking ]
195
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,163
In the name of the squanch,
the six rivers,
196
00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:41,165
the four squanches,
and the nine balls,
197
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:45,370
I unite these two organisms
in eternal squanch!
198
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:47,438
Tammy, you may
squanch your vows now.
199
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,174
Birdperson...
[ Inhales sharply ]
200
00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:54,379
You are my seed,
my worm, my earliness,
201
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:55,914
and my lack of cats.
202
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,616
I promise to be yours
until your death.
203
00:06:58,618 --> 00:06:59,751
Nice!
All: Aww!
204
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,185
Birdperson.
205
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:04,055
Tammy, I was approaching
infertility when I met you,
206
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,857
but there is still time.
207
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,592
I am yours
until my death.
208
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,027
All: Aww!
209
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,428
[ Burping ]
Aww.
210
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:14,032
I now pronounce you
squanch and birdperson!
211
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,367
[ Cheers and applause
and profane kissing ]
212
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:24,042
♪ Girl, you got it going on
213
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,245
[ children laughing ]
214
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,614
[ Monotone ]
I am not staring at you.
215
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,817
I am a cyborg photographer.
Just act natural.
216
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:34,419
This is a candid shot.
217
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,754
I don't require
a camera so --
218
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:38,389
sorry.
219
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,625
Hi.
I am not staring at you.
220
00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:43,561
[ Screams ]
221
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,464
[ Clinking ]
222
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,066
Uh, hi, everybody.
223
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,567
I'm ri[Burps]ck.
224
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:54,572
You know, when I first
met birdperson, he was, uhh...
225
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,574
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy
in the Universe
226
00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:57,742
because I'm the smartest.
227
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,644
And being nice is something
stupid people do
228
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,079
to hedge their bets.
229
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,280
Now, I haven't been
exactly subtle
230
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,915
about how little
I trust marriage.
231
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,249
I couldn't make it work,
232
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,684
and I could turn a black hole
into a sun,
233
00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:09,120
so at a certain point,
you got to ask yourself
234
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,621
what are the odds
this is legit
235
00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:12,523
and not just some big lie
we're all telling ourselves
236
00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:14,258
because we're afraid
to die alone?
237
00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,961
Because, you know, that's
exactly how we all die -- alone.
238
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:17,996
Oh, boy.
Oh, dad.
239
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,130
Jesus.
240
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,165
But -- but...
Here's the thing.
241
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,934
Birdperson is my best friend,
242
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:26,104
and if he loves Tammy, well,
then I love Tammy, too.
243
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,773
[ Cheers and applause ]
244
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:32,343
To friendship, to love, and
to my greatest adventure yet --
245
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,846
opening myself up
to others.
246
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,447
Summer: Hear, hear!
Cheers!
247
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,616
Cheers to that,
mother[Bleep]
248
00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:39,817
Thank you, Rick.
249
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:41,152
That was beautiful.
250
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:44,322
Gosh, I look around this room,
and I think,
251
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,457
"uh, Tammy,
you're a high-school senior
252
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,026
from the planet earth,
and you're marrying
253
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,795
a 40-year-old birdperson?
Like, what?!"
254
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:51,796
[ Laughter ]
255
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,297
Yeah, Tammy!
256
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:55,800
But then I think, you know,
in a lot of ways,
257
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:58,803
I'm not a high-school senior
from the planet earth.
258
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,872
In a lot of ways,
what I really am
259
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:04,142
is a deep-cover agent
for the galactic federation,
260
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,910
and you guys are
a group of wanted criminals,
261
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,380
and this entire building is,
in a certain sense, surrounded.
262
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,982
[ All murmur ]
Oh, shit.
263
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,050
I...Don't get
the metaphor.
264
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,418
I'll explain it
to you later.
265
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,186
Everyone here is
under arrest
266
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,888
for crimes
against the federation.
267
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:17,989
L'Chaim!
268
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,323
Tammy,
what are you doing?
269
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:21,526
Sit your
bird ass down.
270
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,493
Tammy?
271
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,163
[ Cawing weakly ]
272
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,531
Birdperson!!
273
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:27,999
No!!
274
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,400
[ Screaming ]
275
00:09:32,037 --> 00:09:33,237
Holy --
276
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,181
[ beep ]
Drop the portal gun.
277
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,483
Slide it to
the center of the room.
278
00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:48,453
[ Beeping ]
279
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,755
Somebody confiscate that
and don't damage it.
280
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:51,722
They'll want it at --
281
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,357
[ whooshing ]
282
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:56,260
[ High-pitched ringing
and muffled background ]
283
00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:14,412
[ Sighs, roars ]
284
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,980
There's no time
to squanch!
285
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,815
Get your family
out of here!
286
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,117
I got this.
287
00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:22,553
[ Gulps ]
288
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,722
[ Roaring ]
289
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:27,592
[ Deep voice ] How about a taste
of my squanch?!
290
00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:29,127
[ Growling ]
291
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:32,730
Come on, this way!
292
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,465
Squanch this!
293
00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:39,704
[ Engine turns over ]
294
00:10:42,474 --> 00:10:44,575
Good thing I grabbed
a space weapon.
295
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:47,078
That's a confetti gun,
you [Bleep] idiot!
296
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,646
Beth: Dad!
Hold on tight!
297
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:52,750
Aaah!!
298
00:10:56,488 --> 00:10:58,122
Aaaah!!
299
00:10:58,124 --> 00:11:00,258
[ Sirens wailing ]
300
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,160
God damn it!
God damn it!!
301
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,834
What the hell happened
back there?!
302
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,204
This is on you guys.
I told you weddings are stupid.
303
00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:18,876
Uh, Rick, is there anything
you'd like to tell us
304
00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:20,444
about your relationship
305
00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:23,447
with this previously unknown
galactic government?
306
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,616
All the important points
seem pretty clear, no?
307
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,885
They think they control
the galaxy, I disagree.
308
00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:29,887
Don't hate the player,
hate the game, son.
309
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,856
How could you be so dishonest
with this family?
310
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:34,292
Oh! Oh, should I have been
more open and trusting
311
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:35,626
and loving like,
oh, I don't know,
312
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,462
my now dead best friend?
Or your daughter,
313
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:41,065
who is bffs
with an intergalactic narc?
314
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,300
Hey, Tammy was cool!
315
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,302
And now we know why.
Because of you!
316
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,370
[Bleep] You, Summer,
and [Bleep] the government,
317
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,239
and [Bleep] me
for letting my guard down,
318
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,907
which I will never
do again.
319
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,342
Geez, Rick!
320
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,811
You can't say f--
"'f' you" to your granddaughter.
321
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:56,547
I just did, Morty.
Here's dessert. [Bleep] You.
322
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,316
Look, I think we've all had
a tough wedding.
323
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,151
Actually,
the wedding was beautiful.
324
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,352
The reception got
out of hand.
325
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,588
Anyway, I say we go home,
sleep it off,
326
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,489
and have a family meeting
in the morning.
327
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:07,758
Yeah, about going home,
we can't -- ever.
328
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:08,926
All: What?!
329
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,494
Oh, these guys are
looking for us now.
330
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:11,996
Earth will be swarming
with them.
331
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:13,064
Us?!
332
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,498
Jerry --
I want to go home!
333
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,167
Look, anyone that wants
to go back to earth
334
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,335
is free to
go back to earth.
335
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:18,536
But here's
what's gonna happen.
336
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:19,904
Aliens bureaucrats are gonna
arrest you.
337
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,839
They're gonna put
the intergalactic equivalent
338
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,542
of [Burps] jumper cables
under your nuts and or labia
339
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,377
and hook them up
to an alien car battery
340
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,778
until you tell them
where I am --
341
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:29,680
which I guarantee you,
you're not gonna know,
342
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,682
which I guarantee
they won't believe.
343
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,618
So who's homesick?
By applause.
344
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:36,020
[ Sobbing ]
Ladies? Anybody?
345
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,355
What are we
going to do?
346
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,689
Where are we
going to live?
347
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:41,092
Take it easy.
This is a blessing in disguise.
348
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,560
[Bleep] Earth.
349
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,528
You realize our planet's name
means dirt, right?
350
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:45,863
We'll find a new world.
351
00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,465
Computer, how many planets
in the milky way
352
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,433
are at least 90% similar
to earth?
353
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:52,803
[ Beeping ]
Woman: 765 known planets.
354
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,473
How many of those are outside
federal jurisdiction?
355
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,642
[ Beeping ]
Three.
356
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,810
See?
Our cup runneth over.
357
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,312
Now, who wants
to go shopping
358
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,714
for a brand-new
mother[Bleep] world?!
359
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:04,882
All right!
360
00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:06,584
Look at this baby!
361
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,386
Would you even know
that wasn't earth?
362
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,288
Morty: Yes, because
there's no Africa.
363
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,390
Pssh. White-people
problems, Morty.
364
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,592
Let's go down
and check her out.
365
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,560
[ Thud, water splashing ]
366
00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:18,396
Oh. I thought
it was further away.
367
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,965
I uh...I guess this one's
a little small.
368
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,433
All right, uh, maybe --
369
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,535
maybe we should go check out
the other two, huh?
370
00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:30,808
Okay,
this one's bigger.
371
00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:34,912
This looks nice.
372
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:36,180
Mom, dad, look!
373
00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:37,948
Strawberries on a cob!
374
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,183
[ Munching ]
375
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,118
Whoa!
Hey, check this out!
376
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,087
Flowers on a cob!
[ Laughs ]
377
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:46,257
Huh. Strawberries and flowers
on a cob, huh?
378
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,525
That's pretty cool.
379
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:50,194
Are those...
Mountains on a cob?
380
00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:51,662
[ Birds cawing ]
381
00:13:53,131 --> 00:13:54,765
Rick: Oh, my God.
382
00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:00,671
Get in the ship,
sweetie.
What?
383
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,173
Get in
the god[Bleep] ship!!
384
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,607
Everything's on a cob!!
385
00:14:03,609 --> 00:14:05,976
The whole planet's on a cob!!
Go, go, go!!
386
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:07,778
[ Engine turns over ]
387
00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:11,282
[ Burps ] All right,
third time's the charm.
388
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,583
See what we got here.
389
00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:17,188
Seems good.
390
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,656
And nothing
on the cob.
391
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,491
Didn't know that was
a necessity, but...
392
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,660
No, it's nice.
I think this might be it.
393
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,495
Wow!
Hey, look, you guys.
394
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,163
The sun's rising.
395
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:29,066
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
396
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:34,138
Uh, dad, how long are the days
on this planet?
397
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:36,474
Uh, computer, how long
are the days on this planet?
398
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:37,842
[ Screaming continues ]
399
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:39,577
42 hours.
400
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,979
All right, well,
those are the two choices,
401
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:44,081
'cause cob planet is
off the table.
402
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,383
Now let's take a vote.
403
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,751
Man: Well, it's official.
404
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,886
The obscure planet
known as earth,
405
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,056
formerly the hiding place
of interstellar terrorist
406
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,657
and fugitive Rick Sanchez,
407
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:56,994
has just become
the 6,048th planet
408
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,763
to join
the galactic federation.
409
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,698
The plucky little ball
of water and dirt,
410
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,433
which is where
it gets its name,
411
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:06,003
is dominated by seven billion
primate-descended natives
412
00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:10,107
who love to eat spaghetti
and pray to kangaroos.
413
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,109
Spaghetti, kangaroos?
414
00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:13,944
I've got to
check this place out.
415
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:15,079
[ Both laugh ]
416
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,514
Well, you can.
417
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,349
Contact the ministry of tourism
for details.
418
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,418
Up next,
teenagers are calling it
419
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,520
[ growls and squeals]
420
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,688
And it's not
what you think.
421
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,290
What are you --
what did you do that for?
422
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,425
Dramatic effect.
423
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,692
Good morning, family.
424
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,027
Oh, do I smell bacon?
425
00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:32,296
Yes, we discovered
a species of tiny pig
426
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:33,764
off the coast
of new Australia
427
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,200
about 30 yards east.
Or 300 yards west.
428
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:37,601
We'd offer you some,
429
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:40,037
but we hunted it to extinction
for breakfast.
430
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:42,239
Well, I thought
I'd walk to the South pole
431
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:43,707
and do a little bit
of exploring.
432
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,209
If you guys need me,
just yell
433
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,410
or throw something
so hard
434
00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:47,912
that it goes around the world
and hits me.
435
00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,814
[ Door shuts ]
Okay, now
that he's gone,
436
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:52,249
can we please talk about
our situation?
437
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:54,552
Dad, you can't talk about people
behind their back.
438
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:55,820
You know,
it's a small world.
439
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,555
Please,
he's in the South pole!
440
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,057
And we need to have
a serious conversation.
441
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:03,160
[ Insects chirping ]
442
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:07,832
[ Thunder rumbles ]
443
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,534
[ Wind howling ]
444
00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:14,305
South pole discovered,
baby!
445
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,173
Ohhhh!
446
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:18,142
Oh [Bleep] an ice cave?
447
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,410
[Bleep]
448
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,946
Things just keep on
getting better.
449
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,482
Wow, it's
the planet's core.
450
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,916
I'm just saying,
451
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,285
we keep acting
like there's only two options,
452
00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:29,620
but there's not.
453
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,422
So, yes, if we
went back to earth,
454
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,590
as long as Rick was
out there,
455
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,991
they'd want
to interrogate us.
456
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,160
But, and this is
purely hypothetical,
457
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,596
what if we turned your father in
to the government?
458
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:39,964
Jerry, so help me God,
459
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:41,999
if you ever bring this up again,
no more bacon.
460
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,001
There already is
no more bacon!
461
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,102
This world sucks!
462
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:46,103
Our life sucks!
463
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,972
Why are we doing this
for someone
464
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:51,675
that would never do anything
for anyone but himself?
465
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,344
Morty:
That's not the point, dad!
466
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,180
We love Rick...
F-for the most part.
467
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,516
Summer: Yeah, you don't love
people in hopes of a reward,
468
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,651
dad, you love them
unconditionally.
469
00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,720
That's very good, kids.
I'm proud of you.
470
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,455
Okay, so let me
get this straight.
471
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,689
For the rest
of your lives,
472
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,191
no matter
how much it hurts you,
473
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,393
no matter how much it
destroys our children's futures,
474
00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:12,396
we're gonna do whatever
Rick wants, whenever he wants?
475
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,064
All: Yes.
Why?!
476
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:17,134
Because I don't want him to
leave again, you dumb asshole!!
477
00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:28,979
Hey. Uh...
478
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,048
I was gonna hope over
to the gloppydrop system,
479
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:31,982
get some ice cream.
480
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,551
You -- you want me
to come with?
481
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,386
I mean,
don't you need my brain waves
482
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,987
for camouflage
or something?
483
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,322
I'll be okay.
484
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:39,390
Bye, Morty.
485
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,591
Rick?
486
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,426
You're not leaving,
right?
487
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,228
Yeah, I am.
To get ice cream.
488
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,663
So, you're
coming back?
489
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:48,265
Morty, if you go to where
there's a bunch of ice cream
490
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:49,500
and then
you don't come back,
491
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,001
you haven't
actually gotten ice cream,
492
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,170
you've just gone
where ice cream is.
493
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,739
Rick, I can handle it
if you go,
494
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,207
but you'll
break mom's heart.
495
00:17:57,209 --> 00:17:59,343
And I won't forgive you
for that.
496
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:01,278
Where's the van,
Morty?
497
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,615
It's over the horizon
in the driveway.
498
00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,655
[ Engine turns over ]
499
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:21,231
♪ I hurt myself today
500
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:22,733
[ dialing ]
501
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,535
[ Woman
speaking gibberish ]
502
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,036
For English, press 2.
503
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,871
[ Beep]
Connecting to agent.
504
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,473
Woman:
Ongoing investigations.
505
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:32,876
Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith,
I'm from planet earth.
506
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:35,245
I know the whereabouts
of Rick Sanchez,
507
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:36,580
the wanted criminal.
508
00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:37,881
Hold on!
[ Ringing ]
509
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,149
This is
special agent gribbles.
510
00:18:39,151 --> 00:18:40,784
You have a tip
about Rick Sanchez?
511
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,886
Yeah, he kidnapped me and
my family,
512
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:44,888
and he left us
on dwarf terrace-9.
513
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:47,725
He said he was gonna
go to the plimplom tavern.
514
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,326
And listen.
Yes?
515
00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:51,328
I'm doing what's right
for the galaxy by calling you,
516
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:55,232
so if we come back to earth, can
my family have a normal life?
517
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:58,302
We only want Sanchez, sir.
Your family will be fine.
518
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,737
Nice. Thank you.
519
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:03,907
I'm Jerry Smith,
and I love sucking big, sweaty
520
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:08,612
[bleep] And licking
disgusting furry testicle sacks.
521
00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:11,749
Uh...Okay.
522
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:18,589
♪ What have I become
523
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:23,794
♪ my sweetest friend
524
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:28,432
♪ everyone I know
525
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:35,639
♪ goes away in the end
526
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:38,475
♪ you could have it all
he's not coming back,
is he?
527
00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:41,845
No.
528
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:47,818
♪ My empire of dirt
hey, look, cops.
529
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,154
♪ I will you down
530
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:53,390
good morning.
531
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:58,429
♪ I will make you hurt
532
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:04,635
how long will you
be visiting earth?
533
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,136
Oh, we live here.
534
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,372
We were just off-planet
for a wedding.
535
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:09,940
Go that way.
536
00:20:28,526 --> 00:20:30,394
[ Tires screech, beeping ]
537
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,763
I have processed
that you are in in distress
538
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,898
and have proscribed
antidepressants.
539
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,668
Compliments of
the galactic federation.
540
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:38,836
I feel better.
541
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,738
Your debt is
7,000 fed credits.
542
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,206
Report to
the ministry of employment
543
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,508
and you will be assigned
a function.
544
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:48,011
Honey! I got a job!
545
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,347
♪ You could have it all
546
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:54,084
[ monotone ]
Sorry, I am not staring at you,
I am taking your mug shot.
547
00:20:54,086 --> 00:21:00,124
♪ My empire of dirt
548
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:06,130
♪ I will let you down
549
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:10,200
♪ I will make you hurt
550
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:17,441
hey, what are you
in for?
551
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:19,810
Everything.
552
00:21:24,549 --> 00:21:27,217
♪
553
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,748
Hoo-whee,
what a cliffhanger.
554
00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,082
Oh, boy, oh, my!
555
00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:01,919
That's a real crazy ending, huh?
556
00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:05,088
Hi, I'm Mr. poopybutthole
from episode 204.
557
00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:06,857
[ Groans ]
As you can see,
558
00:22:06,859 --> 00:22:09,092
I'm still recovering
from the bullet shot
559
00:22:09,094 --> 00:22:10,928
that I got from Beth.
560
00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,963
Remember that one?
Ooh-whee!
561
00:22:12,965 --> 00:22:14,798
[ Meowing ]
Come and get it, kitty.
562
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,768
You know, these little fellows
help me get through the day.
563
00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:18,702
[ Gulping ]
564
00:22:18,704 --> 00:22:20,270
Ooh-whee.
565
00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,806
Oh, whoo-whee!
Feels better.
566
00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:25,509
[ Doorbell rings ]
567
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,978
I got a large pepperoni
and some crazy sticks.
568
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:30,147
Hey, what did you think
of that finale, huh?
569
00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:33,016
Mm! You think the Smith family
is gonna be okay?
570
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,484
Yeah, I don't know
what you're talking about, bro.
571
00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:35,953
Your total is $12.37.
572
00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:38,121
Whoo-whee! You think
Rick's gonna get out off jail?
573
00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:39,857
Whoo-whee, you think
the family's gonna rescue him?
574
00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:41,291
Hey, what the [Bleep]?!
Get the [Bleep] off me!
575
00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:43,627
[ Laughing
and saying "ooh-whee!" ]
576
00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:44,962
Ow!
577
00:22:44,964 --> 00:22:46,496
Turn in to "Rick and Morty"
season three in,
578
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,465
like, a year and a half...
579
00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:52,302
Or longer
to see how we unravel this mess.
580
00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:54,037
Ooh-whee!