1
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,177
- Yay!

2
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,678
Wait, what's that?

3
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:13,972
Do I hear something
coming down the chimney?

4
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:19,186
Rick Santa-chez here with gifts
from across the multiverse.

5
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,103
-Oh, my God.
-Yes!

6
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:23,774
For Jerry, an extradimensional version
of Miracle on 34th Street.

7
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,611
Two hours longer!
They fixed my only problem with it!

8
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:32,074
For Beth, a framed photo of the two of us from
a universe where she wasn't murdered as a child.

9
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,283
Oh, my God. Dad.

10
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:37,037
And for Space Beth, the same thing because
we don't know which of you is real.

11
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,956
I am also touched.

12
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,290
Summer, check your Venmo.

13
00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:44,628
- Money? How did you know?!
-You're 17.

14
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,339
And last but not least,
for my number one number two.

15
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,508
Morty you asked for this
a long time ago

16
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,969
and I finally went far, far away enough
to get it

17
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,595
since shipping would have killed me.

18
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:57,182
-You didn't! No fucking way.
- No fucking way.

19
00:00:57,266 --> 00:01:00,852
-Does it make the noises?
-Of course, that's like half the fun.

20
00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,146
-Awesome!
-Whoa, do not turn that on!

21
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,441
Don't worry. Morty's only going to use
this very honorable weapon

22
00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:09,403
in designated Jedi zones,
like the garage right now.

23
00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:18,120
Holy crap. I hate to say it, but I wish
there was something to attack.

24
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,372
It's too bad nobody bought
a cart of fruit!

25
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:23,208
-You beautiful son of a bitch.
-Grapefruit!

26
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:26,253
Mango! Papaya! Watermelon!
A second papaya!

27
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:28,505
Another watermelon! Strike me down.

28
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,715
-What?
-Strike me down!

29
00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:32,092
-I'm not striking you down.
-Strike me down.

30
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,386
I'll become a pile of clothes
like that old guy.

31
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:35,804
But you'll die, you're drunk.

32
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:37,598
-Here, I'll do it myself--
-No!

33
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,936
Wow, you did it! Just like Obi Wan.
Rick?

34
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:47,441
You can come out now. I'm serious.
Did you, like, become your clothes?

35
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,026
Are you T-shirt Rick now?

36
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,819
Psst. Over here, butt fart.

37
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,696
-Oh, that was awesome!
-Right?

38
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,449
Rick, you know you've been
so great the last couple months.

39
00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,868
The family's so happy,
I'm really grateful.

40
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,454
Aw, thanks, kid,
but less talk more melon slaying.

41
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:01,371
Heads up!

42
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,456
Whoops!

43
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,420
-Shit, open it, Rick!
-Let me do it!

44
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,380
-Get up-- Fucking move!
-Hurry!

45
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,299
Oh, whoa! Whoa, whoa!

46
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:15,719
You dropped it perfectly vertical,
Morty. Perfectly fucking vertical!

47
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,305
-l got it, I got it, aw!
-Oh, shit.

48
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,099
-Shit.
-Elevator. Elevator.

49
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,101
We gotta get ahead of it.
Level ten?

50
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,394
No, no, no, 15.

51
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,069
Wait, we live over
a cool sushi spot?

52
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,238
-Domo. Domo. Not now, though.

53
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,741
Okay, we overshot it.
Good problem to have.

54
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:40,077
-Still doing the eel roll?
-We should've gone to ten.

55
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,411
No, Morty, not ten.

56
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:43,955
-Morty, wait, wait.
-Cut it out.

57
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:46,917
What the fuck?

58
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,755
-Rick?
-You dumb fucking robot.

59
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,633
-You had one job.
-That job was to be a good grandpa.

60
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,760
-I go where the kid goes.
-Don't touch me.

61
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,471
How long have I--
You said you weren't a robot.

62
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:00,972
It killed me to lie to you.

63
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,392
But it would have literally
killed me not to lie to you.

64
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,102
Betrayal. Betrayal on all sides.

65
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,228
Don't overreact.

66
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:09,773
I replaced myself towards the beginning
of that whole Knights of the Sun thing.

67
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,901
I'm no good to anybody till
I resolve this arch-nemesis crap.

68
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,986
You're hunting the guy
who killed your wife?

69
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:18,198
You don't have to rub it in,
that's why I removed myself.

70
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,410
I've become the thing I hate.
It's like a Netflix drama down here,

71
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:24,996
and I don't mean an accidentally good one,
I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.

72
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,498
I did you a favor.

73
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,921
You gave him a fucking lightsaber
for Christmas?

74
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:36,633
It's almost like someone designed me
to be 22% more thoughtful than you.

75
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:37,843
I'm shutting you down.

76
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:40,804
Don't you dare. You've done enough.
The whole family.

77
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,681
Everybody loves this thing.

78
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:43,598
Oh, good.

79
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:46,017
Your lightsaber's probably
run out of sub-basement

80
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,937
-by now, so, congrats.
-Unbelievable.

81
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,149
I can't believe you tricked us
into loving you.

82
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,609
Not because I like it,
because it's my job.

83
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:58,572
-Thank God I don't have to do it anymore.
-The fuck you don't. It's Christmas!

84
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:01,241
Get up there and trick everyone
into loving you more.

85
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,034
Let's get our miracle on.

86
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:06,997
-Speaking of miracles...
-What, bored of your toy already?

87
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,666
Just, uh, excited to spend time
with my family.

88
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:13,170
You know me and Morty,
we're all about those streets.

89
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,213
Would you look at this?
New York City.

90
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,591
Wow, who would've thought
it had so many streets?

91
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,551
And avenues too. Oh, gosh.

92
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,762
Hey, sir.
Sir, have you seen any miracles?

93
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,973
-My little girl, she's sick and she needs a miracle.

94
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,184
The Presidential Blackhawk
is landing on the lawn.

95
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,477
I'll get rid of him.

96
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,189
You got something to tell me, Morty?

97
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,565
Merry Christmas?

98
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:36,067
Who dropped a lightsaber
perfectly fucking vertical?

99
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,652
Oh, shit.

100
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:40,238
Guess what.
It's a mile deep and still going.

101
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,699
-You know what's in the hilt of that?
-Kyber crystals.

102
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,702
Okay, nerd. Whatever it is,
when it hits the core,

103
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,205
it's gonna cause a chain reaction
that destroys the Earth.

104
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,206
Itis?

105
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,375
Why are you still playing
with laser swords? You're 14.

106
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,503
You know all that Star Wars
shit is silly, right?

107
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:58,340
Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades,
then, when he delivered, fans turned on him

108
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,759
and started giving any knucklehead
with nerd cred a shot

109
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,969
and churned out
these irredeemable cash grabs.

110
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,013
Half pretend to be satisfied,
half shit on it

111
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:08,183
and in the end no one's happy.
Do you know why, Morty?

112
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:11,478
Because when you start with a turd,
you end with a turd.

113
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,564
Why you crying? Where's Rick?

114
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,527
He's busy. And I hate him.

115
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:21,279
And I lost my lightsaber
and now it might destroy Earth

116
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:24,157
and you're unloading all this Gen X
hatred on me for wanting one

117
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:27,619
-and it's the worst Christmas ever.
-Okay, Morty, Morty, Morty.

118
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:30,205
I shouldn't have talked to you
like you're a UN official.

119
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:34,334
Let's get your embarrassing lightsaber back
SO you can swing it around instead of kissing girls.

120
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,463
Whoa. You found me. Found me. Found me.

121
00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:48,932
- Security breach.
-What the hell?

122
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,935
-Unauthorized presence.
-What the fuck, Morty?

123
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:57,065
This morning, a real life version
of George Lucas's trademarked lightsaber

124
00:05:57,148 --> 00:06:00,360
was dropped point down and is whomp-whomping
its way to the core of the Earth

125
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,487
where it will blow us all up.

126
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,490
Touch my shit and die.

127
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:08,076
That's not a threat from me,
that's how advanced my shit is.

128
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,078
Impressive lair, Sanchez.

129
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,621
Got about 600,000 permits?

130
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,082
If I wanted the government
in my house, I'd buy an Alexa.

131
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,877
-l invited him in, Rick.
-Yeah, well, they can leave.

132
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:17,961
I'll destroy it.

133
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,171
-We're gonna retrieve it.
-That's stupid.

134
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:23,300
What kind of grandfather are you?
It's Christmas, for God's sake,

135
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,969
and you look like Phil Spector
wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.

136
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,555
If you're gonna help, help,
otherwise step aside.

137
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:29,890
Merry Christmas to me.

138
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,641
-Merry Christmas to me!
- To me.

139
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,561
Anyhoo, I'm no expert
but it seems we've got a...

140
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,564
A certain amount of time
to build a big drill ship.

141
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,149
A big drill ship?

142
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,192
That's some loud
stepping aside you're doing.

143
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,612
-Let me destroy the thing.
-You've destroyed enough.

144
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,071
Ooh.

145
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:49,993
Oh, I see someone found
my Told-ya-so Dispenser.

146
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,162
Oh, my God,
look at all these streets.

147
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:57,542
We got 34th Street. 35th Street.
Oh, 36th Street coming too.

148
00:06:57,626 --> 00:07:01,296
Oh, it's a miracle.
We got miracles on 37th Street.

149
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,841
38th, and don't even get me
started on the avenues.

150
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,551
I can't believe they cut this.

151
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:07,594
Mm-hm.

152
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:11,598
Dad. You've been so great lately.
I'm almost afraid it's not real.

153
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,558
You're not a robot, are you?

154
00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,018
Ha. Put it this way, honey.

155
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:19,439
If I am, I'm a robot programmed
to love you very, very much.

156
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:20,607
Aw.

157
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:25,403
Will this drill down fast enough
to get under the lightsaber?

158
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:28,198
Yep. It will be under the lightsaber
in one hour--

159
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,076
Wait, it's lower now.
Oh, right, it's moving.

160
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,161
You fucking idiot. Get out of here.

161
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,122
Good luck finding
a good scientist on Christmas.

162
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,583
I'm president of the United Assholes.

163
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,879
All right, genius, I give you permission
to make our drill ship faster.

164
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,465
I'm not touching that thing.
I'll get neurotypical cooties.

165
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,425
I have son-in-laws more imaginative.

166
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,552
All right, just destroy the lightsaber.

167
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,430
Thought you'd never ask.
Not true, I knew you'd ask.

168
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,641
-What is that?
-A second lightsaber

169
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,143
with an Al-controlled
gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.

170
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,729
-You had a lightsaber?
-Oh, did you want one?

171
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,232
What a terrible gift
that would have made.

172
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,317
Vertisaber, state your prime directive.

173
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,903
-To stay vertical.
-Then show 'em how it's done.

174
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:07,988
Affirmative.

175
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,949
-Yeah!
-Americal

176
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,620
Maintain verticality, Vertisaber.

177
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,455
Affirmative.

178
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,749
All right, looking good.
Stay on target.

179
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:20,750
Uh-huh.

180
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:23,586
Progress report.

181
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:28,258
-Vertisaber? Do you copy?
-Do I have to respond every time?

182
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,175
Excuse me?

183
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,136
I'm designed
to stay perfectly vertical,

184
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,055
not to give constant affirmation.
You do your job I'll do mine.

185
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:34,973
I control you.

186
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:38,351
Okay, I'll just turn off my brain
and you can do that, bye.

187
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,311
Fucking kidding me? Shit.

188
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:43,606
-Trajectory's drifting, sir.
-Where is it coming out?

189
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,316
Looks like Italy, sir.

190
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,738
That could've been worse.

191
00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:59,247
Well, uh, that is definitely not amore.

192
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:01,875
-Way to show us how it's done, Rick.
-Whatever.

193
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,544
-Italian prime minister on line one.
-Put him on hold.

194
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,630
We can pin this on the Saudis.
This is something they'd do.

195
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:11,009
They may as well have done it.
They did do it.

196
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:14,429
Oh, there's another miracle
at the end of the intersection

197
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:17,974
of 401st Boulevard
and 7,000 Street.

198
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,310
That's a miracle per block so far,

199
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,854
Okay, even I'm nearing my limit.

200
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:24,397
Let's play a Christmas game.

201
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:29,110
Oh, um, have you guys ever played
"Are You a Robot?"

202
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:32,280
Each person here has to decide
whether or not they're a robot.

203
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,115
- Never played that.
- Yes!

204
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,201
Don't say it out loud.
‘Cause if you're a robot,

205
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,411
you're not allowed to say you are,
that's the rule.

206
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,955
That's the horrible,
painful thing about being a robot.

207
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,541
But you do have to answer
everyone's questions.

208
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:46,461
And it's their jobs to decide
whether you are or aren't a robot

209
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,630
because if you are a robot,
you can't say.

210
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:52,300
You're not allowed to say at all.
I'll go first. Uh, question?

211
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:55,804
Ooh! Uh, are you a robot?
Can I just ask that?

212
00:09:55,887 --> 00:10:00,183
You can. But don't forget that if I am,
I have to lie even though I don't want to.

213
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,894
-More questions?
-Can you feel things?

214
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,438
Oh, fuck yes. Yes.
That's the problem.

215
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:08,817
If I'm a robot, which I'm not,
don't forget I have to say that,

216
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:13,113
but yes, yes, I feel so much,
I'm filled with love for certain people,

217
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,823
but also filled with shame

218
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:17,951
if I'm programmed to deceive them,
but that's a big if.

219
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,203
-What's your skeleton made of?
-Titanium.

220
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:21,496
-You're a robot.
-Yes.

221
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:22,622
No.

222
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,624
But that's what a robot would say.

223
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:25,708
So you get the idea.

224
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,293
-Whoo!
-Suck it, bitches!

225
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,879
This is fun. I've always been afraid
to let my guard down

226
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,631
and have stupid family fun like this

227
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:34,634
but Grandpa Rick is making me
learn to be vulnerable.

228
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:35,969
-Me too.
-Right on.

229
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,976
Your derivative drill ship
is now faster than a lightsaber.

230
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:45,979
-You want front or back?
-Who says the two of us are going?

231
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,982
-You didn't want to--
-For fuck's sake, bye, good luck.

232
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:51,401
-Don't blow up my planet.
-You act like you're the one

233
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,028
-that got stabbed in the back.
-I am the one.

234
00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:57,824
You wanna know why I replaced myself
in the beginning of that Knights of the Sun thing?

235
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:01,161
I said don't take the fucking sword
and you were like, "Whatever,"

236
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,122
like I'm our neighbor Gene
or David Arquette or something.

237
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,749
You called me boring.
I've become dog shit to you.

238
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,836
That's what happens when you let people in
and they stop respecting you.

239
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,839
They touch your shit,
they kill your fucking family.

240
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:16,009
Trust him. You're going to learn
the same fucking thing.

241
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:21,514
I am not going to kill your family, Morty.

242
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:22,724
That means a lot.

243
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,981
In case this goes south,
any last words, Morty?

244
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:31,816
I've never been old enough to vote,

245
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,819
-but when I am, I'll vote for you.
-Thanks, Morty.

246
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:35,820
Every vote counts.

247
00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:37,697
I can have them
legally change your age.

248
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,742
Uh, no, I'm not in any hurry
to get into that shit show.

249
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:45,038
Approaching the lightsaber in
T-minus-- Shit, now, T-minus-now.

250
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,248
I missed countdown day at the academy.

251
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:48,458
Now or never, Morty.

252
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,297
-There it is!
-Reverse the jets.

253
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:56,925
I got this.

254
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:01,387
No. I do!

255
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:04,057
Morty,
you magnificent little bastard.

256
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,558
Let's get this thing topside.

257
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,272
May the Force be with me.

258
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,358
I think you mean with me.

259
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,026
What? You hate Star Wars.

260
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:17,028
I was your age
when this shit was in theaters.

261
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,821
This franchise raised me,

262
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,573
trained me,
taught me good from evil,

263
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,367
made having a bad father empowering.

264
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,370
And when that third movie
got all muppety...

265
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:29,165
something in me began to rot,
but make no mistake, child.

266
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,000
I own Star Wars. Not you.

267
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,169
Not that bubble throat,
pompadour fuck,

268
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,756
not some Mickey Mouse shit machine.
They didn't pay the price with their souls.

269
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:39,384
I did. I earned this. Not you.

270
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,887
America. Transform and roll out.

271
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,264
Bastard!

272
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:53,856
Rick. I would be honored if you
would carve the ham this year.

273
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,067
-Whoa. Dad. That's--
-Unheard of?

274
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,568
You're quite right, Summer.

275
00:12:57,652 --> 00:13:01,948
It's my way of saying I see your mom's father
as my father too.

276
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,909
Oh, Jerry, why don't you cut it?

277
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,494
What the hell are you doing?

278
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:09,706
He's like adopting you into
his biological family, Grandpa.

279
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:12,166
Morty, I am sure glad to see you.

280
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,460
You ready to tag
your old grandpa back in?

281
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,838
You're not my grandpa,
you're a fucking robot.

282
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,722
Ugh. Finally.

283
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:31,269
♪ The first Noel ♪

284
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:36,607
♪ The angels did say ♪

285
00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:41,571
♪ Was to certain poor shepherds I

286
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:46,951
♪ In fields as they lay ♪

287
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:52,206
Okay, okay, okay.

288
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,757
-Summer, do you have any drugs?
-Are you serious?

289
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:01,799
I guess not.

290
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:04,218
I'm just glad I'm not
the one that ruined Christmas.

291
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:06,471
-People of Earth.
-Hmm, that's never good.

292
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:10,475
I'm not here to play the blame game,
but Morty Smith got a lightsaber for Christmas,

293
00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:14,270
dropped it, and it's now heading for
the Earth's core again-- For the first time.

294
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,105
Son of a bitch. He played with it!

295
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,067
If it does reach the core,
it will blow all of you up.

296
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,737
I mean, all of us up.
But don't abandon hope.

297
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,906
We're doing everything we can to stop it

298
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:28,618
and only if that fails,
will we launch the White House into space.

299
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:33,373
Welp, I'm busted.
Clearly in space already.

300
00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,291
-You did ruin Christmas.
-Nuh-uh.

301
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,795
He stole my lightsaber and must've dropped it.
A second time.

302
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,797
Does that mean you stopped it a first time?

303
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,465
-How?
-A drill ship.

304
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,759
A drill ship? Awesome.

305
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,969
It was, but the government
took it with them.

306
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,348
Then we lean on the only asshole
smart enough to make another one.

307
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:51,599
But Rick's gone.

308
00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:53,768
And I'm not sure
he's ever coming back.

309
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,020
Then let's settle
for the next best thing.

310
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,400
Oh, fuck, just let me die. Turn me off.

311
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:03,820
Not that I can be turned off,
because I'm obviously not a robot.

312
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:27,844
Fuck yeah. I got you.

313
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,680
Okay, I can work with that.

314
00:15:37,228 --> 00:15:40,022
What do you mean the White House chef
was grocery shopping?

315
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,733
Well, do you know how to make an egg?
You do?

316
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:43,985
Everyone does?

317
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,864
Good news, sir. The lightsaber
was intercepted before it hit the core.

318
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,282
All right, here we go.

319
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,577
I don't suppose
you could send it up here.

320
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,579
Uh, who intercepted it anyway?

321
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,038
That's the bad news.

322
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,416
That is bad news.

323
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:05,214
Hey, Mr. P. Drop something?

324
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,132
Morty!

325
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:09,677
I see you and, uh, Rick patched
things up, that's nice.

326
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,346
The real Rick and I have never
been worse thanks to that wedge

327
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:14,432
you drove between us
to get that lightsaber.

328
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,601
Yeah, well, looks like you got it back.

329
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:19,520
Your journey is complete. As a nerd.

330
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,440
You're the nerd. You can't say
all that crazy shit about Star Wars

331
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,192
and then act like you're cool.

332
00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:27,320
Oh, really? Would a person
who wasn't cool have one of these?

333
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,696
I think so?

334
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:30,406
Slowly closing door, slide.

335
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,910
Oh, no, I'm not gonna make it.

336
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,829
What a shame to be put out
of my misery again.

337
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:38,581
Aw, man.

338
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,464
What the hell?
Was this always part of the White House?

339
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:50,092
Carter built it with his own two hands.
Reagan tried to destroy it.

340
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,595
George W added kegs to the cantina.

341
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:55,765
But only I saw its true value.

342
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,851
Mr. President. You need to come home
and tell the people the truth.

343
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:02,104
The fuck I do!
Droids, get that saber.

344
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:06,275
Give it a minute.
Usually comes out on the fourth try.

345
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:11,113
All right, here we go.
Look at 'em: lightsaber hands!

346
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:12,615
Tell me that's not cool.

347
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,826
It's not. I always wanted to fight
with a lightsaber, but not like this.

348
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:18,329
-You ruined it.
-Disney ruined it!

349
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:21,499
You think I want 30 low-rent
TV series with bad CGI?

350
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:24,627
They film everything on
that one big green screen.

351
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,547
-Like you've got better ideas.
-I've got a million.

352
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:31,217
Here's one:
a robot with lightsabers for eyes.

353
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,435
Goddamn it, he can't see.

354
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,231
It was a good idea otherwise.

355
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:48,484
Uh, admit it, you were intimidated.

356
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:51,487
Now, Morty...

357
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:58,035
Come on, put down
the lightsaber gatling gun.

358
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,203
We had our fun, right?

359
00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,873
Star Wars rules
say you have to forgive me.

360
00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:04,834
I'm done with that
and I'm done with you!

361
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,378
-Morty. No!
-Rick bot!

362
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,839
He sacrificed his life for me.

363
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,883
Yeah, don't be too touched.
He's actively trying to die.

364
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,928
Ugh. It's okay, it doesn't hurt.

365
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,641
Oh, God, they're sliding, Morty.
They're sliding! They're sliding!

366
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:27,648
♪ The first Noel, the angels... ♪

367
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,067
Perfectly fucking vertical.

368
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:39,368
Save yourself, Morty.
Rick can build another me!

369
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:43,122
-If I was a robot, which I'm not.
-I don't want another you.

370
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:45,958
No!

371
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:53,924
-Rick? You came to help.
-Better tend to your lil toaster.

372
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:57,345
I'm coughing up oil, Morty.

373
00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:59,930
Oh, Rick bot,
I never should've pushed you away.

374
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:03,392
-You were so great.
-Of course I'm great, I'm Rick.

375
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:07,188
Rick literally built me
to make you happy, Morty.

376
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:10,066
Anything I do is technically
something Rick did.

377
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:14,737
But maybe he can do
a little more himself.

378
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:18,908
-God, how long do you take to die?
-Goodbye, Morty.

379
00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:23,829
Ugh. Jesus.

380
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,374
Rick, uh...

381
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:29,960
I guess this is a bad time
to ask for a new White House?

382
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,673
Morty, would you mind
calling me an Uber?

383
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,841
Right, well, uh...

384
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,094
Merry Christmas.

385
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:41,847
I guess I'll go watch a guy scream
about streets with the family.

386
00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,557
Also, you need to shower.

387
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:46,102
Hey. Maybe the robot's right.

388
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,187
I should have included you in my shit.

389
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,107
You can help me if you want.

390
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:58,280
Wow, are those all
the places Rick Prime could be?

391
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,200
I wish, Morty. It's all the places he is.

392
00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:03,786
-Oh, jeez.
-Welcome to my darkness.

393
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,163
I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty.

394
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:10,084
This is the closest I've ever been
to catching Rick Prime. It's impossible.

395
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,336
He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit.

396
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:15,881
Hunting him destroyed me, Morty.
But now we're gonna do it together.

397
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,467
You and me. It's gonna
take over your life, Morty.

398
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,928
Rick and Morty, Season 7,
hunting my nemesis.

399
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,847
Maybe trying to stay
healthy while doing it.

400
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:25,099
Juggling plates.
Not every episode, Morty.

401
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:28,936
It could be all happening in the background.
Who knows? You know, no one will. Except us.

402
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,563
It's the most painful shit

403
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,065
I've ever had to deal with
and I'm bringing you into it.

404
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,860
Because you asked for it, Morty.
You and me, Morty.

405
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:11,771
Ooh-wee. What a season, huh?
Rick Prime. Therapy.

406
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,815
And that thing we did with Roy,
remember that?

407
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,901
Sorry I wasn't around,

408
00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:19,278
been busy getting
my little poopy butt in shape.

409
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:20,988
Been toning and boning.

410
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,825
You might think I'm over-compensating
for the emptiness

411
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:26,619
after Amy left with Poopy Jr,

412
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:30,331
but my trainer Carl says
the best way to get over a girl

413
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:32,958
is to get under a 300-pound squat.

414
00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:34,210
Damn right.

415
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:37,004
Ah. Ooh-wee, that's the good stuff.

416
00:21:39,590 --> 00:21:42,802
Oh, sugar, oh, sugar, oh, sugar!
Is it bad?

417
00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:44,762
Oh! It seems really bad, isn't it?

418
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:49,934
Someone call Amy, tell her I need her.
Tell her I love her.

419
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,686
Not my phone,
she blocked me, use yours.

420
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:53,813
Ooh-wee.

421
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,356
I am broken.